the TURNER report

Seven Christmases

2013-12-27T00:51:00.002-05:00

Left to walk down an empty lane, snowbanks towering against weathered green pines and a soft crunching of snow underfoot, progress is made in an empty space as I walk to the warmth of a fire and a home. The dimming lights of the cabin barely peak above what piles of white snow envelop my base of existence.

Its Christmastime again and the excitement of celebration only seems to be heightened in such an otherwise savage and dangerous landscape. If these mountains could speak, if these trees could give me advice, they would only laugh at my romantic impression of the death represented by such a ruthless manifestation of elements. Yes there is even an angry howl in the winds as the pines creak in agony, all seeming to tell me that I too should be feeling the pains of such a bitter cold. Beast and fowl have deserted the scene as not even such savage and hardened creatures could survive in what is my ideal perception of what my feelings want to indulge themselves in. Perhaps this is why the wind is so angry; by exhibiting winter's angry force it has extinguished all hope, save that of a creature not really fit to survive its bitter tentacles.

Seven times yes seven years the fires of hope have been burning in such times. Yet one at hand exists in yet another plane, such may not be counted as real or feasible unless perhaps some future occasion will lend itself to such an ideal format.

One was taken by surprise as the small apartment nestled above the crowded circle of buildings revealed sights of many spirits lighting the windows of neighboring places of festive manifestations. Silently watching from my hole in the edge of the house I stood overlooking the water slowly rippling across the glassy surface. While I don't think fish know anything about holiday cheer, perhaps they are somewhat curious about the many colors of bright stars shining down around them. Maybe their little world is somewhat enchanted by what is going on around them.

A heart, a will, and a bow tied to the grill of my truck. Youthful vigor in its finest is will always be held on the highest pedestal of memories. Nothing to loose, yet proving everyday that a man is standing in the body of where a boy once only dreamed of achieving a name. In the white sleigh cold pieces of metal were lifted on the shoulders of dreams. It snowed that year, it snowed early. Baseball diamonds were a distant thought for all except me and those dependent upon the funds such an installation would provide.

Shane didn't think the bow on the grill was something fitting for a macho country boy's truck so of course he laid into me about it. I got him back good though by installing it on the back of his trailer hitch when he wasn't looking. I'm sure as he drove away he was curious about the smile on me and Trenton's face. Such a proud and noble truck with a pretty red bow fluttering in the wind behind it was a sight to behold and one I will laugh about even on my death bed. Needless to say he didn't have much good to say about it the next day. I wonder if his friends in macho country land made fun of him when he went home, I only hope they laid into him good.

A small tree was all we had and times were good.

Seven was a momentum in the baton speed as I seek to vigorously instill good memories into those who will follow after me. Oaken slats shaded natural and brown, steam bent and straight, create a weapon of fun and cheer, reminding me of my ideal format. The ground weeks prior was graced with a white blanket which led to an early Christmas present. Heavy rains tried to melt the spirits of my clan, but they only got away with the snow. Grasping onto a musical tradition, Scrooge graced my living room as emotion of joy poured down through my hearth screen. Blu Rays shone clear and bright and poked at our hearts when memories revealed themselves and mortality became a manifest reality.

Things don't have to be perfect and being so may disguise what really takes up the space we share and removes us from what we are really trying to seek. Twenty bucks is all I spend and such a tree may be misshapen but I know that its real. None of our decorations match but I would have it no other way. Little sparkling crafts handmade in the spirit of the season gracefully make the light radiate into the deeper caverns of my heart, seeming to bend the light around the hard shielded surface.

As hard as it may be for my light to stay bright, it must continue to shine into the hearts of those I love the most. Standing still while the tide washes across my soul, my gaze is perhaps the strongest element of restraint keeping my feet from slipping farther away from the place I am trying to go. I know that once washed on the sandy shores the force will return and wash me home to the joyous place of rest.

Four may be in the middle but not one bookmarked so easily in the pages of my thoughts. What about a little cottage painted red, with a lake outside the tiny living room window? Sound just about like the ideal spot for such festivities. This is were I thought feathers would be the ideal way to surprise my bride. It was a cold place and the tiny house was just about as drafty as a coat made of lace. No, feathers won't work with a poor man's wages but synthetic fibers will suffice for a warm night's sleep. What about the coats of sheep, who with its warmth and protection can outlast a bit of the cold. Sounds like the perfect way to dress the feet of my bride. Is this where I got my favorite green shirt? What a stress it was to be laboring at a place where all ambitions were counted as vanity in the face of impossible expectations.

So for two I would share my cheer with my kin. For such was the path I took as my youthful path was changed into that which I have yet to make sense of. Is this really what you guys wanted? I loved it wen I was poor and content to be so more than anytime which has ever been stored in my reference files. It was a start over, it was almost an admission of defeat, but yes it was my own choice in part as the winters of times stretched out over a vast season of years.

Six was the time Dixie met my heart in the Appalachian mountains. Perhaps the best tree to grace my home as the warm hills of southern kindness provided a romantic nesting grounds for evergreen life. It must be good to be a tree in Dixie as the people move among them with perhaps the same grace and heart as they themselves stand firmly rooted in the rocky jagged subterranean world where roots press between hardened boulders not seen by the aged landscape gracing the forest floors with green thorns and weeds covered in bloodsucking creatures dug deep into the flesh of living hosts.

The air was still and the quiet home was perhaps the most warm and inviting we have ever known. White patches of silk covered in silver cold against my weeping flesh, I lay in agony gazing at the lights casting bright circles of color on an oriental room. Passing in and out of the water I couldn't understand quite what the beavers were trying to build in the colorless lights shining from above the mantles. But it was a cup of cold pine flavor sprinkled with tastes of bark and snow, a perfect representation of what I wanted to experience with every sense overwhelmed me in what seemed to be reality.

Three was where I want to be again someday. Poorer than I'll ever be we simply couldn't even think about the indulgences we longed for but really don't mean a thing. Just a simple real tree was all we could afford, but taken home in such a noble beast it was the best foliage I've ever purchased. No people really don't find me amusing, but all that food made for a good party for me and Alyssa. I really don't have many friends who seem to think it worthwhile to go out of their way to spend time with me. I guess I just don't immediately satisfy the desire of a human stroke to the soul. But you get to know me and I'll take you face to face with my soul and you can see for yourself that there's a fires warmth to be had.

No one came to my party. Big deal. I only invited all of my college friends and planned for at least a dozen visitors. Oh well, nothing new and there's nothing you can do when people really just don't find you amusing enough to be around. I really wish I would've taken that pink chair with me though.

In two years I would have my own house, a green tribute to my hard work. I love the enchanting feel of my 18th century handmade home. A bit drafty yes, but nonetheless cozy and well connected to the most convenient town in the world. Yes they came to my party that year and what a fun time that was. I guess some peoples eyes still have a twinkle in them when they look right through mine and see something in common from another place in time. Cowboys in the house and Chesney brought a tapping toe to the boots of at least two when he foretasted what six would bring: Christmas in Dixie. I worked hard for that place and I lost when the told me to get lost. What a blow to a young man who worked so hard for so long for one thing. I planned on staying there in my green house for years to come, perhaps to ten.

No, never has a tree been in one home more than once and perhaps this is the tide that hits me now. But I will strengthen my gaze and wait, for not even another year will likely hold the same home for a tree.

I think I'll go inside the white hobbit hole and sink into my leather armchair. Jesus, only you could cut through the tentacles of razor swords, thousands on every nerve. We lay ourselves at your feet and rejoice in your presence. Every step I take pulls me closer to you and my home will always be a place where we dwell together. You have a home in me, and I have a home in you. But where can I lay me head? My head is not in my heart.

Coins

2013-11-14T13:07:00.000-05:00

Do you ever pull a few coins out of your pocket when you’re bored and examine them? I usually don’t use cash anymore, but over the past week or so I’ve had some that I’ve been using at random and have once again found change starting to buildup in my pants pockets. Today I took out a handful of change and lost myself for a moment examining the dates on the coins. I happened to have a penny which appeared to be brand new, but was minted in 1983. In a moment my mind went back to all those family photos taken prior to my birth and I began to ponder on the fact that this tiny coin had been floating around since then. Unlike so much else in the world, including its value, the physical attributes of this coin had remained virtually unchanged.

There’s a corner gas station not far from the Lilly jobsite I’m working on now. Quite often I will go over there for lunch just to get a change of scenery. Across the road from the gas station there was a 6 story industrial building which is now in its final stages of demolition. I’ve been able to watch the progress as various pieces of construction equipment have hacked away at this massive, cast in place, concrete structure. Now all that remains is pile of mostly concrete debris which is being sorted out by several excavators. This building demolition project reminds me of the demolition job I did last year in North Carolina. I’m reminded of how difficult it can be to remove something intended to be permanent. Despite the fact that the waste water plant I demolished is now a field of grass, somewhere, in a landfill, there will always be a scar of what once was.

I often think about the law of conservation of energy which states that energy, or matter, cannot be created or destroyed, it can only change forms. As I gaze upon the massive pile of concrete chunks which once was a building, I’m reminded of this law in a simple way. I think about all the effort and stress which went into the construction of such a massive structure. I think about how probably almost a century ago there was a guy like me who was running around franticly trying to make sure that the construction proceeded according to plan. That guy is probably dead now.

Just like that building, someday I will be as worthless as a pile of concrete rubble. For some strange nostalgic reason perhaps my body will be preserved and placed in a box, but this won’t change the fact that it is a decomposing corpse returning in form to dust. Just like the building, my body has been created to serve a purpose and it will be abandoned once the purpose is complete.

It’s hard trying to relate to people while living in a world where many appear to not have considered their mortality. I believe that most people think about the reality of life at some point, but I think most choose to ignore the fact that they’re dying.

The symbolism of the created universe represents so much more than I can begin to comprehend. Everywhere I look I seem to encounter yet another scenario which reminds me of some attribute of the Creator. To me it is almost humorous the way everything was put together; the universe is so much more complicated that we could ever fathom, yet it is comprehendible to every level of intellect which calls it home. Unless presented with an unusually extreme circumstance, most living beings never reach a point where we simply can’t figure out how to live because we don’t understand our habitat. An ant has enough knowledge to figure out how to survive; a bird has a survival program which lets it know when to fly south; my dog doesn’t understand that my house isn’t a chew toy but her intellect astounds me.

I’ve always had a fascination with running. One of the things I like about running is the repetitive nature of the sport. Every time you run you are essentially faced with the exact same challenge. I also like the extreme nature of the challenge and how every time I run hard, my will is stretched to the limit which allows me to understand a little more about myself. I’ve been running 3.1 miles (5k) about three times a week for over a month now. Every day I run, I log my time in a spreadsheet. I have a “sample” row in which I can play out my ideal scenarios. I really want to run 3.1 in under 20 minutes, but I can’t. Every day I imagine how cool it would be to break 20 minutes the next time I run. However, when I hit mile 2, all I can think about is stopping. I practically have to beg my legs to take every stride; it sucks. I really don’t enjoy the physical act of running, in fact I kind of hate it, but I find it is a quick, relatively easy, and somewhat profitable way to really examine what I’m made of. I get to gamble my dreams against my strength and will, and I almost always loose.

I’m painfully aware of the fact that I have no control over the creation or destruction of matter and energy; I can’t even make myself move a few minutes faster over a relatively short distance. When I consider the size of the universe compared with the size of myself, running seems rather silly. But even sillier is the fact that there are particles so small that a contrasted grain of and would seem like a universe. God has to just be humored at the contrast of it all; if I created something large out of things so small I would find a great deal of pleasure in my ability to think through all the details. So I’m left wondering sometimes, am I really significant or not? Well, with my worldview this is a stupid question. To God the smallest particle is so relevant to the big picture that if it was to release all of its energy it would pretty much destroy everything in its path. All we did was split a few atoms and we leveled a city, how much more energy would be released if smaller forms of matter were subject to a change in form?

Despite my fascination with contrast in size, perhaps there is no relevance to our perception of what’s around us. After all, God is not subject to a physical reality, so to Him perhaps a particle is perceived in the same as a galaxy. I feel like I can say with reasonable certainty that the size of the universe in no way prohibits God in any way. However, to say that God is as big as the universe somehow seems to be unbelievable if you consider His fascination with small things. I pretty much come to the conclusion that the closest comparison between the universe to God, is something like what an idea or a dream would be to me, but obviously the parameters are much different.

The very act of stringing together a line of words to represent a thought or an idea is in itself an action requiring such a depth of achievement that it makes me almost lose my mind. Without even realizing what we are doing, every day we navigate ourselves through something we really don’t even understand. The variance between the smartest human being and the least intelligent is a band which is insignificant when compared to the vastness of knowledge which was required to create what little I’m even aware of. I almost lose touch with reality when I consider my intellectual insignificance.

Perhaps the realization of insignificance is what led Solomon to declare that all pursuits under the sun are meaningless. I’ll admit that I’m struck with the realization of my insignificance every day. An ant understands the reality of life enough to manipulate energy and matter in such a way that it will survive. While an ant may never consider its intellectual insignificance, somehow it manages to make significance of its existence. The very ability to be made up of the stuff of this world is significance in itself; to be a part of the will of God to create that which was not, is to be significant.

Beyond the incomprehensible scope of creation, there is another attribute of God which we can fully understand: the knowledge of good and evil. The confusion which persists when I ponder the complexity of the universe might be similar to the confusion my dog possesses when pondering good and evil. I don’t know what exactly happened when Adam and Eve ate the fruit in the garden, but it was almost as if they entered into a realm of knowledge which was never intended for them. Had they not eaten the fruit would we just not even be able to understand what it would be like to not be evil? Is the very depth of the knowledge of good and evil something we were not created to deal with? Were we simply not programmed with the ability to control ourselves in such a way as to avoid evil? Would it be like cutting an ants arms and legs off and still expecting it to store up food in the winter time? I wish I could think of a better analogy but I can’t.

Through the sin of one man sin entered the world. The species of man has become one which is evil because of its defiance of its creator. Through our awareness of evil we find ourselves unable to avoid it because to do so would require the possession of a skill which we will never have. We were created to live within the matter and energy around us, not to punch a hole through the side of the matrix by having the ability defy the logic of its laws.

When I begin to think about sin and how it relates to everything around me I start to understand a little bit more about the creation I live in. Many sins I can think of seem to have no real affect to the makeup of my surrounding, but somehow they do. My having a less than loving attitude to my neighbor seems to have no effect on the course of the earth’s movement, but somehow it does. Perhaps greater than any individual sin I commit is the fact that I even exist. Just by simply existing I have already defied the creator because I am programmed differently than I was intended to be programmed, no amount of sin avoidance can change this fact. Despite the fact that I may sometimes do the right thing, every thought that goes through my head is processed in a way it wasn’t designed to be processed. I was made to glorify God in a way that I don’t really even know about because I don’t fully know what it was like to be Adam before he ate the fruit. I am incapable of doing anything fully the way I was intended to.

What if sin entered the world through dogs or ants? I know such an idea is a bit absurd, but nonetheless would it have had the same effect? Are we the only ones who were given the chance to defy the creator, or does everything defy the creator simply because we once did? Perhaps the very fact that we are made up of the same stuff as everything else means that everything created is in defiance of the creator. After all, the basic building blocks of matter and energy which define the attributes of my fleshly being are no different than that which defines my dog or the ants walking around. Matter and energy have been corrupted.

Did death exist before sin? Was it unlike anything which had come before? I don’t know, but it didn’t exist here. Death in itself is an interesting concept which I don’t fully understand. Do things like molecules and energy themselves experience a death? If left alone long enough what would the devolving universe look like? Does the life I possesses, or my dog for that matter, constitute the only definition of life? I think not. I think death itself is different than just a description of what happens when my body stops working. Death seems to be a byproduct of the defiance of our creator. It’s like puncturing a whole in a container which contains liquid and watching it all drain out. The life is slowly draining out of this creation and we are part of the container. What would happen to the container if it was left alone for long enough? Can the container exist without water? Does it already exist without water?

It is mind blowing to think of how Jesus was inserted into this creation. It blows my mind to think of how the son of our Creator was subject to the design of the creation. In what seems to me to be another defiance of the laws of creation, an individual not in defiance of the Creator was subject to death.

I cannot begin to understand what the reversal of death actually means for creation as a whole. It seems to me that all which has been corrupted by defiance must be destroyed. This means that every molecule in existence must be purged from existence because it has already started to die. However, there is a part of me that has been made alive. I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

Sometimes I’m confused as to which part of me is alive. Does only Christ live in me or is there still some of the old me left? What part of the old me will be left when the rest of me dies? Is it the very life and awareness which defines me that which has been made alive? How can an object of defiance contain and object of perfection? Am I a kind of Christ now since it is Christ living in me? It’s hard to try and comprehend all of this when I still have a mind which has been subject to the effects of death.

I wish I could live by the spirit more. It’s like I have the opportunity to catch a glimpse of what it is like to have the mind I was supposed to have. In order to do this I have to live by the spirit, which is in defiance of the corrupt programming of my fleshly mind. I don’t even have the ability to decide to live by the spirit; I must rely on God to help me live by the spirit.

Do you believe any of my observations to be true? Despite how new everyday may seem, your building will be torn down and reduced to an insignificant pile of dust. Just take out a handful of change and begin to understand that entire lives have been lived while a single unchanged coin has continued to change hands; soon you will have left your legacy on that timeline. Go out and see if you can run 3.1 miles in 10 minutes and realize just how powerless you are to change who you are.

You see, this is what it means to me to be a Christian: it is not just a ‘religious belief’, it is everything and beyond.

a year in the south.

2013-04-08T22:29:00.001-04:00

Officially one year has past since we have made our home in the south land. Last year after being here a few months I posted a rather negative post about my initial perceptions of the south, a year later now, I'll give an update.

In typical Steve fashion I've positioned myself as an inquisitive observer of southern culture, not wasting any opportunities to glean facts and develop a more accurate analysis of what this place is all about. I've taken part in scores of business meetings, I've hung out with rednecks drinking moonshine, I joined a rugby team, and I've made a few deeper friendships. All in all I've tried my best to bring you a more accurate summary of what southern culture actually is.

Throughout the year I've become more and more confused and perhaps my submersion in the culture has weakened my ability to discern properly (and no I'm not talking about moonshine.) I think I would probably have to leave and realign myself with my roots again before properly assessing the situation.

Right off the bat I'll admit one thing: I've drank a lot of sweet tea in the past year. Rarely a day goes by where I don't have at least one glass of sweet tea. I've always loved sweet tea and they do it really good down here so I've taken the opportunity to really develop a taste for what I like in a tea.

So, as far as the culture is concerned, I think my initial observations were fairly correct and it has been interesting to stumble across countless examples which substantiate my claims.

I said that it would be hard to break into the social realm. So, in church for example, over the past year we have not once been told what it would take to become a member. For awhile I thought I was going to get to play music in church until I was shut down because I'm not a member. Instead of telling me what it would take to become a member, I received no additional information. I've decided that since the church has taken this stance that I'm not going to even ask about membership until someone in church leadership makes it clear what steps I need to take to become a member. I'm pretty stubborn and I'll sit in my pew as long as it takes.

Even after a year I stumble across information which is quite entertaining about the culture. In hushed tones in a restaurant I was recently informed about all the different regions of the county in which I reside. Apparently I didn't pick the best region to rent a house in. Living on one side of a river could make all the difference when it comes to your social status.

Perhaps one of the most distinct patterns I have noticed in the culture is the need to project a positive self image. Granted not everyone is this way, but the backstabbing seems to be almost worse than in the north. Ok, so there are a LOT of lazy people in the south. Sure everyone hates the union but the union guys I know could work about three circles around the best workers I've seen. The laziness is almost across the board. The perception of one's work ethic is determined not by the amount of work accomplished but rather by the perception of your attitude towards work; this lends itself to a lot of hot headed people who like to yell only because it makes them look better. They really don't know what to do with me who loves hard work but doesn't really care what people think of it; so they gave me the nickname "gung-ho".

Hand in hand with the laziness is the lack of innovation. From what I've seen people don't look at situations and desire to make them better but are rather content to just leave them the way they are and complain about them. I feel like in the north more people were innovators who were always looking for ways to break the mold and make a better widget. There are numerous statistics that can point to the south as being a bit too preoccupied in not changing to be on the cutting edge of anything. Nine out of the ten poorest states are in the south. This statistic may seem alarming or even sad until you actually understand that the people of the south simply aren't really motivated enough to make enough of an economic impact to put them on the production map. Sure there are a lot of factories in the south, but almost all of them are here simply because of the cheap labor, they didn't invent anything.

Lack of motivation probably comes from the deep roots. The culture is simply so much more important and requires so much human effort that there appears little left over for things like thinking. When you've got a whole mess of people who have generations of support and family life, doing something different becomes like swimming upstream. In the north people are a lot more independently minded and seem to care more about personal achievement over being part of a larger culture and in a sense this seems to make up northern culture.

All this negativity being said, I have really come to enjoy many aspects of where I live. I really feel like I have become part of one huge family. I feel like there are less threats to my safety and to the safety of my family. People seem to have their heads screwed on straight from a moral standpoint. You will rarely meet someone who doesn't claim to be a Christian or who doesn't at least know there is a God even if they say they are going to hell. I'll admit that I feel quite at home in this environment and sometimes feel like the town I live in is just an extension of myself; a feeling many others probably have.

So in conclusion, I cannot either recommend or denounce the south. There are some serious negative aspects along with some serious positives. All in all it pretty much equals out for me at this point.

ramble on

2013-03-12T22:58:00.000-04:00

Hardly a day passes when I don't consider what it would have been like to be here in America before it became domesticated. Sometimes I struggle with understanding the purpose behind what I see everyday as I observe what this world has become. I'm convinced that few people even give much thought to what their purpose is and they definitely don't understand themselves.

Sometimes I sit and watch my children doing what they do and wonder what they will be like when they grow up. My heart seems to be connected to them and I find a sense of fulfillment when they look at me and smile. I couldn't imagine anything bringing me more joy in life than my children. It has become apparent to me how much their world revolves around me and Alyssa, it gives me a feeling of purpose as I seek to help them see how I'm just a kid myself. Sometimes I feel more like a big brother to my kids and our real father is in heaven. When I hold either of my beautiful daughters or when I take Jesse on some open ended adventure I wish the world just stop for awhile so I could take it all in. Perhaps the greatest joy of all is sharing smiles with all of them. When the tiny faces of my partial resemblance smile back at me with meaning, a true joy is shared that cannot be purchased.

If I could I would remove myself and my family from the constraints of the world. Its not that I don't like people, its just that I've grown ill of dealing with the cultural norm. How is it that people can spend their whole lives without understanding who they really are? I'm simply amazed at how people allow themselves to commit spiritual suicide on a daily basis by making believe that they can somehow fill the void in their heart with earthly pursuits. If it weren't for my total admittance of failure and my reliance on Christ for everything of value, I would likely be the most torn apart and wrecked person. I sometimes question weather I would even be alive.

Perhaps the reason unbelievers haven't checked out is because they desire to somehow find meaning; perhaps it also stems from a fear of the unknown. I know that in Christ I become more and more free spirited and even reckless everyday. As I become more enamored with eternity I care less about the things of this world and practically have to chain my feet to the ground. But I look at my wife and my children I catch a glimpse of eternity and somehow my yearning for heaven is partially satisfied.

I took Jesse for a Sunday afternoon bike ride and bought him a rainbow flavored ice cream cone. I sat and watched him as his plaid jacket turned into a coat of many colors. Then after an eternity of eating he used a napkin to wipe himself off although his chin seemed to get missed. We looked off into the river and hardly said anything, it was the best money I've spent in awhile. As people walked by I heard them talking about things which seemed important to them but it all seemed so trivial compared to the ice cream cone. Why would I want to worry about anything besides enjoying the blessings of God? I worry about my children growing up to love and fear the Lord but then I remember that perhaps it is worry itself that creates most of the parenting problems. How difficult it would be to show them the truth if I didn't completely find fulfillment in God myself.

I don't have any direction or point in this post, I just thought I'd share a thought or two.

Sometimes it seems like the harder I fight to move up in the world the farther back I end up. Occasionally it occurs to me how strange I am and how it may seem like I don't even care about my work. I was practically told the other day that I would have been let go if it weren't for producing one of the highest profit margins in the past five years. It has becomes clear that others are living off of credit that I don't really care about but that they stole from me. When I think about how much work it would be to make others even realize my contributions it makes me wonder what the point is of even having a career. I sometimes wonder if the strange looks I get stem from the fact that I have been fairly successful. Its as if they see your lack of worry and it makes them mad. I'm convinced that God will guide me to make profitable decisions so I really don't worry that much about failing at work. The only thing about my job that leaves my scared stiff is that my fate seems to be in the hands of 'normal' people.

Is there really any way to please people? The more people I know the more I realize how impossible it is to get along with people who are living for themselves. I almost have to beat my head against a wall in order to remember that image matters at work. I try not to talk about my feelings about work on this blog but I've been really depressed about it lately.

On the bright side, God is on my side so no one can stand against me.

People give me a look like, "wow you're crazy" when I talk about my kids. The more important the person in a company it seems the more immature I seem to be in their eyes. The very fact that a seeming majority of people view children as a nuisance just proves how screwed up this world is. There's so much emotion in me when I think about how people hate the idea of children and it about makes me cry when they view me as being immature for having them. It's like they hate the only thing in this world that has meaning to me.

God has blessed me in my work though. In two and a half years I've been a key decision maker for jobs resulting in over a $1,000,000 in profit. I've never lost money on a job and I can show you on paper the result of decisions which have turned jobs from red to black. Sometimes I feel like God just likes to make people mad by making an unlikely immature 'idiot' like myself be successful. Even though I've received none of the profit I've made for anyone, it seems like no one wants me. I guess some things are more important to people than even money and I'm not sure what it is.

Land of My Sojourn

2013-03-12T21:10:00.002-04:00

And the coal trucks come a-runnin'
With their bellies full of coal
And their big wheels a-hummin'
Down this road that lies open like the soul of a woman
Who hid the spies who were lookin'
For the land of the milk and the honey
And this road she is a woman
She was made from a rib
Cut from the sides of these mountains
Oh these great sleeping Adams
Who are lonely even here in paradise
Lonely for somebody to kiss them
And I'll sing my song ~ and I'll sing my song
In the land of my sojourn

And the lady in the harbor
She still holds her torch out
To those huddled masses who are
Yearning for a freedom that still eludes them
The immigrant's children see their brightest dreams shattered
Here on the New Jersey shoreline in the
Greed and the glitter of those high-tech casinos
But some mendicants wander off into a cathedral
And they stoop in the silence
And there their prayers are still whispered
And I'll sing their song, and I'll sing their song
In the land of my sojourn

Nobody tells you when you get born here
How much you'll come to love it
And how you'll never belong here
So I call you my country
And I'll be lonely for my home
And I wish that I could take you there with me

And down the brown brick spine of some dirty blind alley
All those drain pipes are drippin' out the last Sons Of Thunder
While off in the distance the smoke stacks
Were belching back this city's best answer

And the countryside was pocked
With all of those mail pouch posters
Thrown up on the rotting sideboards of
These rundown stables like the one that Christ was born in
When the old world started dying
And the new world started coming on
And I'll sing His song, and I'll sing His song
In the land of my sojourn

In the land of my sojourn
And I will sing His song
In the land of my sojourn"

Construction Summary: Forney

2013-02-06T10:12:00.001-05:00

For the past 5 months I've been working on a small project north of Charlotte, NC. As of right now we are done with pretty much everything and are in the process of moving out. The project has been a really good learning experience for me especially because I was pretty much in control of the thing from start to finish. This was a smaller project which meant that most of the company management had bigger fish to fry and didn't really think it necessary to involve themselves as they normally would. At my previous place of employment I was placed on massive long projects where I never got the chance to see a project through from start to finish, much less keep my head above water.

The project consisted of the demolition of a waste-water treatment plant, including some minor re-routing of piping to a new facility. Demolition is not something that we usually do which presented some unknowns and a few scenarios that could have gone better.

Without posting the entire project specifications, I'll attempt to explain the process a bit. Below is the original project schedule which somewhat represented what actually happened.

Before I get into the project specifics I'll explain how I ended up with this project.

I was working in the estimating department all of last summer. We were bidding jobs like I've never seen before, sometimes 4 each week. Given there was only 3 of us, we all had to pull our own weight. I was assigned with estimating this project in its entirety given that it was simple and I'm not a very experienced estimator. We had two bids going in on the same day from the same engineer and the bid time was staggered by an hour. The lead senior estimator, a guy only a couple years my senior, had the first project. He lost his $250,000 bid by only $1700. Spurred on by competition and by worry of a similar fate, I cut my project to the bare bones to make sure this didn't happen to me. I was excited to get word from the bid runner that we won the bid but my excitement was quickly squashed when my boss found out I left $90,000 on the table on a $500,000+ job; I guess I cut too much. Immediately the bid room turned into a review room where everyone involved in estimating, including the company president and the electrician company's president sat down to tear apart my work. In North Carolina you can retract a bid within 72 hours if you can prove you had a mathematical error. After a few hours of intense review we could only find minor errors and we later found that my estimate was nearly identical to the competition except I had found unit pricing on the sludge pressing that was a third of the competition's.

I washed my hands of the bid and my boss turned it over to a building project manager who had been with the company 30+ years. A few weeks into it he decided that the project went over his head. My boss was quite frustrated with this and the project ended up sitting on a table in the bid room for a few more weeks.

Calls kept coming in from the engineer about permits and other preliminary paperwork. Because no one else was doing anything and I felt like I was the most educated guy on the project, I started doing all the preliminary work. At the same time I was starting up a project in Spruce Pine NC while continuing to estimate so I was fairly busy. Eventually the project started and at this point I somehow was running the pre-construction meetings and putting together all the contracts, schedules, etc, simply because no one else was.

At some point in time my boss had a closed door meeting with me. Understand that my boss is a country boy from Virginia who blares southern rock in his office all day everyday, breaks the unwritten dress code by wearing jeans and sandals, and basically goes against the grain of the refined southern environment of our office. He basically told me he saw right through me and knew that I wasn't an office guy and that I belonged in the field as an eventual superintendent. He was going to send a new hire superintendent down for the first 3 weeks and then the project was mine to finish. I was a bit shocked as I thought I'd done a good job looking like the office type. I was wearing pressed dressed pants and golf shirts to work everyday on top of sporting a neat haircut and shaving everyday. I think my blue truck somewhat gave it away though and it wasn't long after being hired before I had the nickname Big Pipes. However, based on the fact that he said he valued field guys over office guys, I really didn't take offence. So, over the course of this project I have slowly morphed from an office guy to a field superintendent, and I'm loving it (I absolutely hate paperwork).

Yesterday I received a call from my boss and he said that they had let some people go and he was sending me to finish up a distressed project after I'm done here. I could think of no higher compliment than to be the guy that is called in to clean up someone else's mess. I'm super excited about being that guy and a little nervous given my only 4 months of field superintendent experience.

Now on with the project...

The project had 4 phases: pre-demolition, removal of sludge and cleaning of structures, demolition, and final grading.

doghouse manhole

First we were required to install a doghouse manhole over an existing 30" pipe so as to re-route the building sewer (the building remained). A diesel backup pump was to be installed at an existing pump station which required some new piping and a few core holes. Once these items were approved, the plant was shut down and phase 2 could begin.

almost done

done

diesel backup

During phase 1 we encountered a couple problems. First off, our suppliers were about a week late in getting us a manhole. Secondly we encountered serious groundwater while excavating for the manhole. We used 3" trash pumps to drain the excavation but this definitely caused a delay and some extra costs.

The sludge removal phase is where we had the most difficulty. From our review of the plans at bid time, we determined we could use the existing pumps at the plant to transfer all the sludge to a sludge holding tank where our sludge removal subcontractor was set up to press the wet sludge. This bold idea proved to be entirely worthless. First off, the plant tanks had no drains, and secondly the consistency of the sludge was so thick and had so much trash in it that there was no way they would have drained had there been drains.

Birds eye of the sludge press setup

Before we even got to the thick sludge however, there was the problem of the existing water in the tanks. We inherited about 1.5 million gallons of dirty water. We could discharge into the sewer system at a rate of 300GPM with a solid content of no more than 1000PPM. This meant that before any sludge could be transferred to the press equipment we must first get rid of the water through a process which was going to take much longer than we originally anticipated. We quickly educated ourselves in the operation of waste water plants and made use of the existing plant to achieve the required solid content and remove the water in one shot through decantation. The water removal took longer than we anticipated because we were under the impression most of it would be gone before the plant became our responsibility.

Once the water was finally drained, then came the problem of the sludge. I was at a loss for a good redneck solution and given that the tight schedule was falling behind I called in the vacuum trucks. Using several vacuum trucks, we removed all the sludge in about 2 weeks at a cost of about $30k. It was a painful thing to do but it was a super critical task on the schedule that simply could not afford to take any longer than it did.

Vacuuming the sludge

We recovered most of the lost schedule time by vacuuming the sludge and by stacking the subs. We had a pressure washing contractor clean all the concrete as required by the specs. This was another issue: the pressure washing guys had no means of removing their own wash water. As a result we had to have the sludge removal occur at the same time as the pressure washing which really made the washers mad. If I could have I would've canceled the pressure washer's subcontract and done the work myself in a more efficient manner, but in the south hard feelings don't go away and they simply don't do things like backing out of a contract (we had valid grounds to do so).

Once we finally got the tanks clean Phase 3 began: Demolition. I was hoping this would sail along smoothly because we had a decent demo sub doing the work; I was wrong. Everything seemed to go well for the first week until production seemed to stop. The demo guys just weren't working hard and had numerous equipment failures. I waited until their contract time was near an end and had lunch with the demo project manager. I told him point blank that all liquidated damage charges would go to him according to the contract dfor the amount of time they went over their schedule, if the project went over the scheduled time. The very next day more equipment arrived on site and new crew supervisors put the whip to the horse. It still took them a few more weeks.

finally demo begins

Removing a clarifier

During this phase I made a strategic move which saved us lots of money. All existing piping underground 8" and larger was required to be filled with concrete. This process is extremely taxing, expensive, and to be honest I don't think our bid quite covered it all. It would require that a cap and a vent/fill line be placed on either end of the pipe which as you can imagine is quite extensive given that the 1/2 mile of pipe was in rather short segments. The concrete then must be pumped. Ok, so you're talking 3 weeks of prep work minimum on top of pumping costs, piping costs, and concrete cost.

I suggested early in the project that we simply remove all the piping given the complexity of filling the vast network of pipes contained in a wwt plant. This idea was shot down by management. I then suggested we fill the pipe with foam instead of concrete. This idea would cut the costs considerably and would be easier to do; they bought this idea.

It took some time, but I also sold the county and the engineer on both the pipe removal and the foam. So at this point the concrete method was history; victory.

However, over the course of the project I continued to press my idea of removing the piping. No one liked the idea, but when I made a spreadsheet which contained a list of all the piping along with the estimated scrap value and depth, the tune began to change. I estimated over $5000 in scrap which would cover the rental of the machine, making the pipe problem in effect cost nothing, saving us all the money we originally intended to use on the concrete process.

the pipe removal proved to be very beneficial

No one wanted to remove the pipe, and I didn't know how to operate an excavator. However, given my lack of direction from management, I decided to rent the excavator, learn how to operate, and accomplish the task myself. I was several days into the operation before my boss discovered I went ahead and started. He seemed quite pleased when he arrived on site to find several large piles of pipe laying around.

It took about a week to finish the pipe removal. I struck a deal with the demo scrap folks and secured bulk pricing on the pipe scrap. We made nearly $8000 on the pipe scrap and I now know how to operate an excavator like a pro, in fact one guy told me I was the best he had ever seen.

Another advantage to the removal process was the lack of over-site from county officials. Had we done the concrete fill method they would have been able to keep track of everything in a manner that would have likely cost more time and money. With the removal method the ball was in my court and additional time only meant additional money from scrap. Also, I was able to complete this task at the same time as the demo whereas the concrete fill would've probably had to take place before or after the demo sub was complete.

Earlier in this phase I had to overcome another problem. We inherited 800 gallons of 25% liquid Caustic. The original plans stated that we could deliver the chemical to the new plant where they use it for the same purpose. However, in a revised set of plans which we didn't review, this option was eliminated in the fine print. The plant operator refused to receive the chemical. I had all the caustic removed from the tank and put in 250 gallon totes. I made many calls trying to find someone to take the material but had no success as I couldn't prove it was not contaminated. Finally I contacted the person who sold the material to the plant and after a series of inspections they determined the chemical was pure and took it off my hands for free. (I tried to sell it with no success)

Caustic Tank

It was quite a relief to finally get rid of the caustic. I had several other redneck solutions up my sleeve but given the fact that the stuff will literally melt human flesh I was quite glad I didn't have to handle it myself. Had I been in Chicago I'm sure there would be a much greater market for body disposal fluid.

Another activity which occurred in this phase left me with injury. There was a flow diversion box at the head of the plant which diverted the sewage flow between the old and new plants. This structure had 2 inlets and 2 outlets with a divider wall. The divider wall needed to be removed, the old plant outlet capped, and new inverts poured to allow the free flow of sewage from both inlets to the one outlet. The operation required a bypass around the box. I set up a 4 day plan to do this work. The rented diesel backup pumps would have to be installed (1MGD Flow), the wall removed, the concrete poured and cured.

Flow diversion box

I removed the top piece of the diversion box so I could easily access the floor about 16' below ground level. Everything was going according to plan until the middle of the concrete pour. The pipe plug which was holding back the backwash from the pump discharge failed. The resulting explosion blew wood and concrete all over me knocking me to the ground, settled all the concrete I had formed by hand, and created a mess with sewage flowing into my concrete. Despite being covered in concrete and sewage, I managed to sandbag the open pipe and finish out the concrete in less than ideal conditions. A job that otherwise would've taken an hour took three + hours. The exposure to concrete in such a wet environment caused 2nd degree chemical burns on the front of my legs and rashes on much of the rest of my body.

2nd degree burns

I received severe scoldings from management about not calling off the operation when the plug failed. However, I had three yards of wet concrete washing away as well as 2 expensive pumps working to bypass all the sewage 24/7 from a significant part of the county. In my opinion quitting was not an option. There was too much liability at stake to let the unfinished concrete wash away and cure in the wrong spot. And besides, I had no idea that I was going to get concrete burns at the time or believe me I would've done things different. Anyways, I completed the tedious operation on time but with injury.

Completed flow diversion box

The final grading went fairly well except some serious schedule lag. I couldn't for the life of me get the grading subs on site on time. Once they did get on site they left, and once I got them back on site they completed the work quickly but without the accuracy I would have liked. I quickly learned how to operate their dozer (with permission) and fixed the drainage problems as best I could. Next time I'm probably going to do the finish grading myself because I like to be in control of the schedule. I could have met the project deadline had I done the grading myself.

So, the project is now complete. The grass will be growing in a couple weeks and the contracts will be closed out. We went a month over schedule but thanks to some iron clad contracts I can pass a the liability to my subs.

The biggest thing I've learned from the project is that you've got the upper hand if you can keep the cards in your own hands. Do everything you can to be in control of every aspect of the project. For me the easiest way for this to occur is to do the work myself. I can call the temp agency today and get a crew of guys tomorrow but trying to get another company to do work often times proves to be very difficult.

A money saving lesson I learned at Thieneman is to have project supervision do as much work as possible. Construction companies charge supervision to a different line item than general labor. Therefore if you simply have supervisors do all the work then you save tons of labor money. Sounds a bit like cheating but almost every job has a full time superintendent. I was the superintendent and project manager at this project so there was plenty of non labor money to charge my time to. This messes up the historical data somewhat but saves money if you are a supervisor willing to work. At the Deerfield project in Chicago I used this to my advantage to save thousands. The superintendent and I had only one cheap apprentice with us for most of the project. At this project we had only one general laborer for about a third of the project.

I try to follow two general philosophies at this point in my career as found in the following quotes:

"Don't fall down in front of the grandstands" - My Dad

"Improvise, adapt, overcome" - Clint Eastwood

Hope you enjoyed hearing the tale.

Before

After

The Interview

2013-01-09T08:10:00.001-05:00

On the radio this morning I heard about a Harvard study which found that job interviews are the single most important factor in landing a job. I've found the interview to be extremely important in my personal experience as well. Even though we have experience and degrees, this doesn't mean much because the job market is flooded with people who have experience and degrees. We have but one chance to set ourselves apart and this occurs in the interview. I lost only one job opportunity which I had a face to face interview for, and this was the one that I tried to ‘wing’. The people on the radio seemed surprised about the Harvard statistic and found some of the basic interview questions strange like this one: ‘how do you deal with conflicts in the workplace’. Obviously these folks are uniformed because online there are scores of possible interview questions which you will need to know and have an answer for before going into an interview.

I remember speaking with my bro. in law years ago when he was making a strategic career move. What he called the X-factor has become my golden rule for interviewing. The X-factor makes you the guy that goes above and beyond the call, the one who through self-motivation sees problems before they arise and creates solutions that work; the guy that takes ownership without really needing any supervision; the guy who calms the storms and acts as a rock for everyone else. Before I interview I always try to make myself believe that I invented the X-factor.

Here are a few rules that I try to abide by in interviews:

1: Come prepared. Have an answer for every possible interview question on the planet. Study the company and its history, as well as the job description. Fabricate yourself to fit right in with what’s going on.

2: Don’t be too humble. Interviews are not the time to be modest or humble. Lay it all on the line. Be courteous and polite but show them that you take a lot of pride in what you do and that your work is extremely personal to you. Go ahead and explain how you go about your responsibilities with a sense of purpose and brag a little about how you work to make everything come together as smooth as possible.

3: Prepare a speech. In my 2 career interviews (the two that have had to do with construction management) I have prepared speeches. I usually wait until about ¾ of the way through the interview after all the basic questions are done and the interviewer is running out of gas. They will typically give you the floor at some point, asking if you have anything to add. At this point I delve into my speech. Both times I have done this I have the undivided attention of the interviewer. They don’t interrupt and they usually don’t ask questions, they just look shocked. I tell them of my background and of my philosophy of work, in round about ways I let them know that I’m the man they've been looking for. I usually talk for about 15 minutes or so. I know the speech thing may sound ridiculous but from my point of view it gives them something to remember me by and probably sets me apart from most of the other candidates. Also, the speech will set the tone for your employment, as in my case right now I've hardly spoken with the powerful individuals who interviewed me since employment. Now they see me as a quiet worker who doesn't talk much yet they remember who I am.

If you are anything like me you do not do well in a one on one confrontation with the tall guy behind the desk; it makes you nervous and uncomfortable. However, you must respectfully show ownership over the interview process. I’m a terrible speaker when I’m unprepared, but when I’m prepared I have no problem communicating in a way that’s understood. So, if you want the job make an interview plan and practice, practice, practice. The interview is more important than anything else you've done to prepare yourself for the job. Present yourself as a James Bond, refined and polite, but with an arsenal of weaponry and knowledge that will make short work of even the dirtiest jobs.

Textbook America

2012-12-10T22:29:00.000-05:00

I've been enjoying watching man vs. wild with my family. If you are not familiar with this show it is about a man named Bear who gets dropped off in the middle of nowhere and shows viewers what they need to know to survive until rescue comes. Having spent a fair amount of time in the wild myself this type of show is intriguing to me. Bear claims to have spent time in the British Special Forces and has climbed Mount Everest so most people would probably agree that he's in the best category for chances of survival the civilized world has to offer. This is the problem however, he's the best the civilized world has to offer.

Now I'm not going to claim that I'm better than Bear at surviving in the wild, because I'm not, however, there are people who are. In one episode Bear parachuted into the Sahara Desert. After spending a couple of days there it became apparent that he was about at the end of his rope. The Sahara Desert was almost too much for him to live in, and it would likely be too much for most of us. On the verge of dehydration, Bear stumbles across a small hut built underneath a tree in the middle of nowhere. Inside this hut a family of nomads was happily carrying out a successful existence and they happily offered Bear some much needed water.

The contrast of the situation was striking: on one hand you have the best our culture offers yet he is taking a life saving drink of water from someone who probably doesn't even know how to read. To me this is a prime example of what's happening now in America.

In the construction industry things are no different. It astounds me how incompetent most of the people I've met are at what it actually takes to get work done. The people who have a knack at building things are retiring everyday and are being replaced with kids who went to college yet have know idea how to build anything.

My boss has said to me that if I really want to be successful I need to be a Superintendent. There are so many kids going college for construction now that hiring a project manager is like going to Walmart and picking one off the shelf. However, finding someone who has the skills it takes to put work in place is fast becoming an extinct species of individuals.

I'm not saying college is necessarily a bad thing as it has helped me get where I'm at (unfortunately), but the skills I learned working in construction cannot be learned from any educational institution. You have to be able to read and understand a situation and improvise, adapt, and overcome. There are no textbook situations here and the better you are at overcoming unforeseen conditions, the better you will be at building what's on the plans. In 10-20 years from now, people will be kissing my dirty old boots and giving me whatever I want because we will be so few. My situation in construction is not unusual, it has become the norm.

We have found ourselves at a point in America where we think education and textbooks are the answers to a higher societal evolution. In the process we have fell out of touch with what is real and with the fact that we are dealing with a creation that is much more powerful than paper. We have abandoned God because we think we have outsmarted Him to the point where we no longer have need for him. Atheism becomes easy now because our education and textbooks seem to make us believe that everything can be explained without a God in the picture.

As I think about this whole situation I realize that one of the driving forces in my own life is to get away from the new cultural norm. When I see those nomads living in the Sahara I'm struck with the realization that I probably couldn't survive; they have one up on me. Not that I want to become a nomad but there's a fundamental problem with how far from the basics we have strayed. My generation, and those who follow, have to culturally swim upstream in order to grasp even a strand of what the nomads have. Its beginning to get so bad that people don't even have the basic instincts needed to do something like construction work. I say instincts because this is what it takes because like most occupations you are dealing with something which is ultimately controlled by natural law. When I'm digging I can read the soils, when I'm using a saw I can feel what's happening to the wood. These are traits you don't learn in school but you can't do this kind of work without them.

So I've used the example of myself and the nomads, now for the doctors.

My wife and I have always wanted to do a home birth and with our most recent child we finally did it. I have to say that it really was my wife who wanted to do it and she ended up convincing me. To most it makes logical sense to have a baby in the hospital because they are set up to deal with any problem that could go wrong. However, this is partially flawed logic based on our textbook society. Most people aren't going to understand why I think it is safer to have a baby at home so I'll explain.

God created the woman's body to give birth and he did a better job at it than we would. That being said, just like I have to develop a sense of the workings of the natural world to do my job, you need to be able to understand the natural process of childbirth in order to do it right. The woman's body is fully equipped to give birth but textbook doctors have no sense of how to read and understand what nature is doing during childbirth. OBGYN's think they are smarter that the woman, but no one is smarter than God. That being said, its like having a bunch of college grads come and build a multi-million dollar project who have never acclimated themselves to construction, they've just read about it. Its also like sending out our best survival man into the Sahara and watching as he gets showed up by a bunch of nomads. When you look at it from this perspective you might understand why I don't want a doctor leading my wife through childbirth, I want God to do it through the natural process he's put in place. Midwives have a much better sense of how to read the woman than textbook doctors, they've developed a sense for it. You couldn't go to med school long enough to become smarter than the woman's body. We've abandoned God and have declared ourselves more intelligent.

The sad thing about child birth is I feel almost criminal having a child at home and I guarantee there are those who would like to take our children away because they don't think we care about them.

Rush Limbaugh has said some things I agree with during this last election cycle. After Obama was re-elected, Rush was ranting about how horrible the state of affairs are in this country. He dubbed Obama Barack-O-Clause as he represented a form of Santa for so many. I kind of agree with him. However, previously I've posted about his disdain for Ron Paul. Obama and Paul represent to me the two sides of the fence we are going to be dealing with in future generations. Obama represents security in our present textbook way of life, and Paul represents a return to personal liberty and responsibility. I consider Rush to be a little out of touch with reality for not seeing Paul for who he was and the hope he represented for future generations. There are scores of young people like myself who are deeply concerned with what's going on now and many are starting to swim upstream in the nomad direction. We feel that if we keep loosing touch with what is real that we place ourselves in the most vulnerable of positions. If we surrender our future to what universities have to offer then we might as well throw in the towel right now. Those on the other side of the fence buy into the textbook America hook line and sinker. To them liberty is necessarily sacrificed because historical data has proved liberty could be harmful. In other words, we're all so stupid we have to have everything spelled out for us in order to survive. We are so out of touch with reality that Suburbia has become a Sahara to some; we as a society don't even know how to survive with all of our modern conveniences.

Part of the American dream has always been to provide a better life for your children than you have now and I think this is where part of the problem is. We have progressed to the point where we can progress no further. What those who hold to the American dream don't understand is while life may be better for the children, they won't enjoy it because they don't know any different. Keep doing this generation after generation and pretty soon you end up with a group of lazy ungrateful people. Personally I want my children to have it harder than I had it because I want them to learn what it takes to live, I want them to be real.

Why are we always striving for I higher form of life? When will we reach as high as we can? Should we just go ahead and start building a tower to heaven? Will we ever be content with having food, clothing, and shelter? Maybe then we could have stronger families. Maybe in the quiet simplicity we could understand God better. I think the first pioneers in America were seeking just this: an opportunity to be free and live a simple, real life. We don't have this anymore.

Faithful

2012-11-30T09:07:00.001-05:00

While I was on vacation last week in Indiana I visited one of my all time favorite churches. I love this church because of the honest and simple faith of the people who attend. The church is made up of primarily African Americans and is located in downtown Indianapolis in a neighborhood which might make some uncomfortable. One thing I could always count on when I attended this church was leaving with a more humble heart and a greater desire for God.

There was a testimony time last Sunday where people were invited to give thanks to God for what he had done in their lives. One woman spoke of how she went out and spent a whole bunch of money on food for Thanksgiving but forgot that her stove was not working. Letdown at first, she then decided to give it a try. The stove ended up working all weekend long. The story aroused a chorus of shouts and amens throughout the congregation.

The story of the stove humbled me a little bit. For her she was able to praise God for something so simple, something that I would probably just write off as a coincidence while continuing to be angry and fearful of my stove going out again. Or, since I have the resources, I would probably just go out and buy a new stove.

I'm reminded of the verse in Luke which says those who are faithful in little will be faithful in much.

Last post I spoke of hope and how I've struggled with having hope. I think too many people, myself included, moan and complain about how dismal their lives are without realizing we are being rebellious to God. Even if you turn on the Christian radio station your ears will be filled with mournful melodies of how people are struggling to 'hang on' as their lives fall apart. When I think about the music i'm listening to it disgusts me; the only time we should be complaining is when we examine how stupid we are and this should be a cry of repentance. Our pitiful rebellion has to be disgusting to God.

How many of you like me have thought the Israelite were a bunch of morons when they complained about eating meat that God sent down from heaven? How many have thought they were idiots for not making it into the promise land the first time? Every single day we do exactly the same thing when we complain about our situations or complain about how hard our lives are. Joshua and Caleb had a hope and faith that God would conquer the mighty enemies but everyone else acted as though God was powerless.

The greek word pistis can mean both faith and faithfulness in English. So then what happens if you replace the word faith with faithfulness in some key passages? Hebrews 11: 1, Now faithfulness is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen. Kind of gives it new meaning right? What about faithfulness, hope, and love?

I know in the past I've always thought of faith as more of a conclusion that something is true whereas faithfulness is an action where you take care of and stand firm behind something.

I think the reason I lack hope sometimes is because I refuse to be faithful with what God has already given to me. God gives me something I've hoped for, like meat for the Israelites, and after a relatively short period of time I become dissatisfied with it. I am not faithful in the little things he's given me so then I loose hope, but its all because I'm a rebellious individual. Hope without faithfulness lacks any substance. No wonder why so many people feel empty and lost, its because they are not faithful.

So, its easy to see how you can get stuck in a rut in life. Since God basically said He's not going to allow you to be faithful in much unless you are faithful in little, you're going nowhere until you learn how to first be faithful with what you have. You will loose all hope because our sinful nature wants more and more and is not satisfied with being faithful in little. We think God should be handing us the world on a silver platter yet we refuse to be faithful and hopeful with what we have. We loose all of our desire when we can't have it all because we are not faithful.

I'm challenged to be a more faithful man; faithful not in just the big things but faithful to take care of every little thing that God has given to me. To me this seems like a monumental task because I have so much! However, I want my life to have substance and it will have lots of substance if I learn to be faithful with all that I have.

How many times have you heard someone say that they've lost all hope for something? Try being faithful. What about a spouse who states they've lost all hope for their marriage? Perhaps they should try being faithful. What about someone who says their work situation is hopeless? Perhaps they should try being faithful. Too bad there are so many lazy people in this country because faithfulness is the only way to restore hope in America.

I'm not saying there aren't times where hope will be tested. Job repeatedly said that there was no reason to keep on hoping but he never quit being faithful. In the end he had way more than he had in the first place. God drained him down to the point where many of us would break and quit being faithful. I mean I would probably break if my truck broke down. We are a disgusting people.

Alyssa and I have challenged ourselves to start enjoying the things we have. This means treating what we have like they are the best things in the world. I've already noticed a difference in how much happier we are as a family. How many times have I hoped for what I have when I didn't have it? But how often when God gave me what I hoped for have I become dissatisfied? Time to go back and start being faithful to the things I already have like the woman who was faithful to praise and thank God for the old broken stove.

The missionary lady which used to come pray with my mom, which I have previously mentioned on this blog, would get so excited about the littlest things. I remember when I was 4 or 5 I had helped my mom make some blueberry muffins. I was pretty excited about them and offered some to the missionary lady. I remember vividly how she went on and on about the smell of the muffins and how wonderful they tasted. She was passionate about this little blessing that God had made available. This is the way I want to be: so filled with joy and thankfulness for something so small as a muffin that there's no time in the day when I'm not happy.

we are not as strong as we think we are

2012-11-27T13:35:00.003-05:00

In this song Rich eloquently speaks of some of the struggle I was talking about in my last post.

Well, it took the hand of God Almighty
To part the waters of the sea
But it only took one little lie
To separate you and me
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

And they say that one day Joshua
Made the sun stand still in the sky
But I can't even keep these thoughts
Of you from passing by
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

We are frail
We are fearfully and wonderfully made
Forged in the fires of human passion
Choking on the fumes of selfish rage
And with these our hells and our heavens
So few inches apart
We must be awfully small
And not as strong as we think we are

And the Master said their faith was
Gonna make them mountains move
But me, I tremble like a hill on a fault line
Just at the thought of how I lost you
Oh, we are not as strong as we think we are

And if you make me laugh well I know
I could make you like me
Cause when I laugh I can be a lot of fun
But when we can't do that I know that it is frightening
What I don't know is why we can't hold on
We can't hold on

When you love you walk on the water
Just don't stumble on the waves
We all want to go there somethin' awful
But to stand there it takes some grace
'Cause oh, we are not as strong
As we think we are

Hope

2012-11-27T11:33:00.002-05:00

^{1 Cor. 13: 13}And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love

We've all read this verse many times, mostly in the context of love. I had my dad read this passage at my wedding because love was on my mind. I'll admit however, that in my infatuation with love, I've overlooked the first two attributes of God's grace in this verse: faith and hope.

From Hebrews 11: 1 it can be understood that faith and hope go hand in hand. My interpretation is that faith is the reality of what we hope for. Its a pretty deep concept for an imperfect mind to understand but my takeaway this time is that hope is something that I have often swept under the rug as being irrelevant even though it is much more important than I imagined.

If faith is the substance of things hoped for, then faith is pointless if we have no hope. What good is it to be a faithful man if I never hope for great things?

As a believer I have high hopes for eternity and I have faith that it will happen. However, do I have high hopes here on earth? Does my hope stop at the doors of the church and cease to function in the real world?

It is easy to grasp the fact that love is not to stop at the doors of the church because love seems much more practical than hope. It is easier to love someone than it is to hope for something in a culture that promotes realism.

Realism is where many of us place our faith because being hopeful can seem dangerous and careless. However, the very gospel of Christ is so far from realism, which is the foundation of our faith, that it astounds me that so many times hope for real life stops in realism.

For clarity I define realism as the daily grind of life from a point of view that excludes Christ.

I have been fairly discouraged the past several years of my life when it comes to the daily grind. I had so many hopes and dreams as a young man and many of these dreams have become reality in miraculous ways. However, I recently realized how hopeless I've become. Being in a world that has nothing to hope for but realism, the pounding words of the culture have permeated into my being and have changed how I view myself fitting into a life that should be filled with hope in the promises of God.

I think America as a whole is suffering from hopelessness. For so many generations we have ridden on the coat tails of our forefathers dreams of a nation founded upon freedom. To them it was a place where we would be free from the oppression of tyranny, a place where we would be free to let our hope abound into reality. Perhaps our lack of hope was why the original campaign of Obama meant so much to so many people, the only problem being that it wasn't clear what we were hopeful for. I think the country has lost sight of what it was we were hoping for, perhaps because it was achieved and the original hope was never redirected. In an effort to continue a life of normalcy, hope has been abandoned and we have returned to a life of tyranny under the oppression of an unrealistic government which attempts to keep the original hope alive without hope.

As I have reached the point where my hope needs to be rekindled and adjusted for the next phase in my life, I find myself instead resorting to hopelessness. My faith in Christ is unwavering but I find myself looking at death as my next realization of hope instead of hoping for anything else good from this life. I have found myself carelessly ignoring what good could come from the rest of my life as I have abandoned hope. I have refused to participate in the grace extended from God into this world which applies in everyday life.

I know that one man who possess strong hope can ignite a mass of people, but such a man is hard to find, especially one who remains in contact with the world for a long period of time. Perhaps this is why pastors have such a hard time igniting a congregation because those in the congregation have resorted to hopelessness springing from something a pastor has not experienced.

As a result of my thoughts on this topic I'm considering ways that I can practically rekindle hope to my life.

Keeping my head in the clouds. By this I mean having a stronger relationship with Jesus. Christ is the foundation of my hope, and without the promises of God there is no reason to hope for anything more than the world has to offer. I have to be in daily communion with God to keep any sort of hope alive.

Keeping my feet on the ground. This is hard for me. The career position I'm in makes it extremely difficult for me to apply my hope in real life (and nearly impossible at my last place of employment). I want Christ to bless the company through me and I want the whole place to be filled with a Christ based hope for the future. I want my job sites to be a place where men can work and go away knowing that God is real. I want to spread the gospel through my work. This however, is a seemingly impossible task for a little man like me in a large corporation and as a result my hope for such things is squashed on a daily basis. The only way I can spread the hope of Christ at work is by keeping my head in the clouds. I have to pray and believe that this will happen, and it will if hope for it and have faith. People might call me crazy but when God shows up and makes a difference they will know He is legit. Normally I just subscribe to the world's way of doing business and leave all hope at the office door.

Keeping my senses alive in Christ. By senses I mean physical senses. I need to partake in the revealed blessings of Christ with a passion. This means I need to be more passionate about the things I see, taste, touch, smell, and hear. In my state of hopelessness I've found myself not even caring about the blessings of God that are all around me. I've quite seeking out the best sunsets, music, food etc. that I can find. In a way this is a slap in God's face because I've given up on finding joy in Him here on earth. I've given up hope that there is anything good here on earth.

Giving hope to my Children. Alyssa and I both grew up in households with similar amounts of hope. It seems that my parents had given up much hope in a similar fashion as I have. I don't blame them for this but as I watch the way my parenting sucks all hope from my children it makes me sad. I feel like a slave driver sometimes who disciplines my children into submission without giving them any hope for doing right. I teach them not to do wrong but I don't show them the joy in doing right, giving them no hope for anything good coming out of a life of righteousness. I need to lead them in the blessings associated with Christ and give them hope for this life.

As a child I read a lot of books, and much of the hope that got me where I'm at came as a result of these books. In particular Little House On The Prairie had a profound impact on my worldview. I probably read the series 10 or 15 times growing up and the vision of Mr. Ingalls to carve out a decent and wholesome life for his family inspired me to do the same thing; it gave me hope. I think he struggled with settling down and altering the direction of his hope in the same way that I do. The books don't talk a lot about this except that he often had a longing to move on to yet another uncharted wilderness after achieving his dream in South Dakota. I guess my focus needs to change from conquering the wilderness to conquering daily life, which means enjoying what has been given to me at this point and nurturing the dreams which have become reality as if they really are actual gifts from God. If God showed up today in physical form and handed me a child I would definitely think this child special, but how is this any different from what actually happened? If God showed up with a pack of ribeye steaks you better believe I'd take my time grilling them to perfection, but how is this any different from what actually happens every time I buy a steak?

I think it all ties in with our sinful nature which demands that we are never satisfied with what we have been given. Like I stated a few posts ago about how we struggle with covetousness, likewise we loose hope when one dream is realized because we want another bigger one realized. I become dissatisfied with steak after eating a lot because I want an even better steak that doesn't exist. Likewise Adam and Eve were not satisfied with the fruit they had been given but instead sought out a forbidden fruit. In my opinion it then becomes a sin for me not to enjoy steak because it is good and it is what I have been blessed with. It is a sin to squander my hope away on account of my sinful nature. I need to instead hope for another steak and take just as much pleasure in it as I have ever other steak I've eaten. Unfortunately hope is a discipline and we hate discipline, but I have so much to be hopeful for in the repetition and of the blessings I already have.

showing God to others

2012-11-09T09:50:00.001-05:00

Last post I talked about how difficult it can be for someone to actually believe God is real and that the gospel is true. My conclusion is that God reveals himself to different people in different ways and ultimately its going to be a different set of circumstances for every person.

2nd generation Christians have a different set of problems to overcome than 1st gen. I know that basing your faith on an experience isn't necessarily a good thing but I would venture to say that a majority of us do. 1st generation Christians more than anyone probably know that God is real based on a huge initial conversion experience. They had been living in sin for such a long time and clearly understood the hopelessness of being apart from Christ. When they finally came to believe I don't doubt there was a serious change that was real to them. I have listened to many 1st generation testimonies which include a strong conversion experience. 2nd generation Christians are often lacking this strong conversion experience.

For me, I've been exposed to the gospel since birth. I've always attended church and my parents always read the Bible to us at home. In such an atmosphere it can be easy to take for granted the blessings of being part of a Christian family simply because you know nothing else. I never experienced a significant freedom from the chains of darkness simply because I never had the chance to be involved in too much darkness before believing.

So, since 1st generation Christians base their belief on the working of the Holy Spirit through conversion experiences then 2nd generation Christians are going to have a weaker belief unless they are somehow exposed to the power of Christ in a similar fashion.

The electrician at my job was describing the joy and peace that he felt when he became a Christian. He is actively involved in witnessing in his community and said that he often wishes there was a way you could give people a sample of the joy and peace found in Christ, kind of like the way there are samples of food at Sams Club. However, this is not easily possible, or is it?

I spoke in the last post about what it took for me to really believe. It was more or less God revealing himself through prayer, scripture, and through the testimony of saints. It wasn't one thing for me and its not going to be the same thing for everyone else. As a second generation Christian I think it takes more than just a conversion experience to make the gospel click in a way that it is your consuming passion.

I attend a church right now that is similar to the one I attended growing up in that it has a heavy emphasis on theology and doctrine. There are a few members in the church who are so excited about the studying of theology and they seem to eat up every moment of teaching. To them is seems as if their belief becomes stronger through making sense of it all. The logical conclusions that are reached through the studying of God is enough to make them believe and the Holy Spirit works though this effort in their lives. The pastor is gifted in teaching and these guys eat it up. My experience and the experience of some of my friends was different in that we had been exposed to theological teaching all of our lives but we weren't wired the same way as others.

The point is, its going to be something different for every person. Even in looking at my siblings it is clear that our exposure to God effected everyone in different ways. My older brother seems to have a strong faith which was reached through Christian discipline. I am much different. My other brother seems to have not really have had the experience he needed. Anyways, we all had pretty much the same experience but a vastly different outcome resulted.

So, as a strategy to reach more people, including our own children, I think its important that we expose God in as many ways as possible. I for one probably wouldn't be attending church or living an active Christian life had it not be for exposure to God other than the church I grew up in. How then can we bring different exposure to the table and what does it look like?

Well, this is a complicated question with many different solutions.

The first step is recognizing that there is no magic formula. Not knowing what it will take is a more challenging point of view, but I feel more secure accepting this idea than I do about adhering to a magical formula. This means I'm going to have to be more in tune with my children and other people I meet and seek to understand what it is that makes them understand and believe things. And to be honest, the way I process information may be completely worthless to someone else, so it might be someone else that influences my children or other people more than I do.

For one child, they might become a strong believer by observing nature. This is perfectly understandable as God's natural revelation might be a direct line to their brains. For another child it might be studying theology and I am not the one to do that because I don't come alive when I'm reading a commentary. For another it might be being involved in ministry on the mission field. Being able to touch the lives of others and see how God changes them in a real way. Anyways, I need to give them as much exposure as possible.

This brings another topic to life: using you spiritual gifts to display the spirit of God. There has been a lot of strange teaching about spiritual gifts in the past century but regardless of you stance on the issue you can't deny they aren't real. I'm not going to attempt to define the spiritual gifts or make a list of them so you can put yourself in a box. However, I believe that when the spirit of God works in our lives, he can reveal himself through us when we do the things we are good at doing.

My wife says that when I play music at church the room seems to have a different feel. I have had people in conservative Christian circles come up and tell me that I have an 'anointing' when I'm playing. I don't know anything about this because when I play I just totally zone out and let everything happen and when I listen to my cheesy youtube recordings I wonder how it is possible that I minister to anyone. However, God is obviously revealing Himself through my music and certain people who watch go away with a stronger belief in God. I can't deny that it is a gift from God because I don't really work that hard at it. I took lessons for like 3 months and never made it past the level 1 book, it definitely is a gift. I'll admit that when I'm by myself and I play music for an hour or so I can feel the same joy and peace that I felt during the prayer meetings I mentioned last post. So obviously this is a gift that I need to be using to reveal God to others. Does this mean that I need to become a professional musician? No, I really don't want to. I have a job, a tent making skill, and this musical gift is a way that I can expose others effectively to Christ. The last thing I would want to do is exploit this gift for my own personal gain and pride. However, I need to look at music as one of the gifts God has given me to most effectively be in ministry.

Ok, so I'm going to take this discussion one step further in an attempt to tie up some loose ends.

Let me throw in a little scripture here.

¹³You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh^[a]; rather, serve one another humbly in love. ¹⁴For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”^[b] ¹⁵If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

¹⁶So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. ¹⁷For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever^[c] you want. ¹⁸But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

¹⁹The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; ²⁰idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions ²¹and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

²²But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ²⁴Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. ²⁶Let us not become conceited,provoking and envying each other.

The part of this passage that I want to focus on is the fruit of the spirit. Far too often this passage is mistakenly applied. Many, including myself at times, think that the fruit of the spirit is a discipline. The fact of the matter is, there is nothing in us that can truly display these qualities. I don't think that a lot of people really even understand what the fruit of the spirit even is. I've heard many people say that they need to work on being having more joy, peace, etc. but they are missing the mark. When I was at the prayer meetings I mentioned in the last post, I experienced the true fruit of the spirit and it wasn't a result of any self discipline, it was a result of the Holy Spirit. The next day I would feel a strong urging in my spirit to display these qualities and it was because I was being led by the Spirit. The negative qualities in verse 20-21 are just as prevalent in the church as anywhere else primarily because we wrongly try to do good things through our own power and it backfires. We are completely incapable of creating any of the fruits of the spirit on our own.

When unbelievers look in the church and see a lot of people fervently displaying the qualities in verse 20 they are completely turned off because they are seeking the true fruit of the spirit having tasted enough of the negativity in the world.

So this deepens the idea that we are powerless to reach anyone, including our children. However, if we let the Spirit of God manifest itself through us by using our gifts, then the result will be the true fruit of the spirit. Some people are exposed to the fruit of the spirit through my music. Others through God's natural revelation. How many of you feel a joy and peace while looking at a beautiful sunset? I know I have. How many have felt the same feeling listening to a truly gifted preacher or teacher? I have. How many have felt this listening to an amazing prayer warrior? I have. When I listen to Rich Mullins or Keith Green I partake in the fruit of the spirit.

So I want my children to be exposed to the fruit of the spirit so they can know that he is real. I can't create the fruit of the spirit, but I can try to let them be exposed to it by letting the spirit work in me and by allowing them to be a lot of other situations where the spirit of God is being revealed.

This is a radical idea, but one I think I may implement. I adhere to no denomination. I've attended regular services in seven or eight different churches with different theological backgrounds in the last ten years. I've been exposed to a lot of different emphasis as every church seems to have its own flavor. You can't say that any one of them is right and its been helpful to my own faith and belief to understand that God is alive and well in more than one denomination. Anyways, I've been thinking about attending two churches instead of just one (every other week) so that my children can be exposed to God in more ways than just one. I would like to find a more spirit filled church to attend one week, while going to the theological church the other. Of course there are some things that need to be set in stone regardless of my radical idea. There are some doctrinal issues and convictions that must be prevalent in both churches. However, I know that it would be good for my children to see God from multiple viewpoints. I said before that I wouldn't have very strong beliefs were it not for a different exposure than the theological church and the way my kids are wired might be different than the flavor of the church I'm taking them to.

I'll end there for now.

3rd generation Christians

2012-11-05T10:52:00.003-05:00

There are many like me who are raising another generation of children whom we hope will turn out to be dedicated Christians and contributing members of society. As a second generation Christian I have a completely different mindset than my parents.

I feel that my parents, and many of the parents in circles that I grew up in, were a bit over paranoid about their children making the same mistakes they did. In a frantic attempt to play the hand of God, drastic measures were taken to shield their children from anything that had to do with their own failures. While I understand their fears to a degree, I think their actions were more based on fear rather than Biblical principles.

I'm going to attempt to analyze this to the best of my ability.

If I had to put a percentage of success on the Christian parents I grew up with in their ability to transfer their faith to the next generation, I would give it 60%. Many would probably disagree one way or the other, but based on what I've seen only 60% of the kids continued on to be faithful to Christ in the same way their parents did.

First of all we must determine weather 60% is good or not. Personally I don't think it matters but it seems pretty lousy. In my opinion parents are holding themselves accountable to something that is ultimately not in their control. This leads to another point: fear based parenting doesn't work.

Christians can be some of the most fearful people you'll ever meet despite the fact that actually believing in what the Bible says would make you be the least fearful of anyone. I feel many first generation Christians were so afraid of their pasts that they did anything they could to cover it up which leads to a second point: Deception. A way of life was created that wasn't real and hid anything that was real.

So, the two greatest mistakes I think first generation Christians make when raising children is 1. Fear and 2. Deception.

A few nights ago Alyssa and I were talking about our children and suddenly realized one fundamental difference between our lives and the lives of our parents: we don't have much to hide. Being married at 20 meant that we virtually eliminated the phase of our lives that our parents tried to hide from us. We both have been faithful to each other since marriage and never had any inappropriate relationships before marriage. We immediately had children and have worked hard to provide for them ever since. Being married with children while in college meant that there was no time for us to get into trouble, we spent all of our energy putting food on the table and it was a huge sacrifice.

I don't doubt that I'm going to make mistakes parenting, but I know that my children will see that my faith is more than just a cover up of my past or an attempt to create a more favorable outcome. To me the most important thing that they learn by being under my care is that what I believe in is real. They're going to have to make choices when they get older and I want my life to be an open book displaying the grace of God and how He provides for them that trust in Him. When my children are of age and get to the point where they have the choice to go to church, they will remember how their dad drug them to church every Sunday. They will remember me sitting in the back row not caring to make a scene, arriving on time but being one of the first to leave. They will remember how I sat myself under the preaching of the Word every Sunday because I believed it was real not because I wanted them to be better children. Sure I want them to believe as well, but they will be much less likely to believe unless they know that I believe. You can lead a horse to the water but you can't make him drink, likewise you can teach you children about God but you can't make them believe; I think the best way is to show them by actually drinking the water as if you believe.

So I've sufficiently puffed myself up, but in retrospect, the good things in my life to this point have been because of my trust in God. Now I want to talk a little about the last generation.

I understand that many first generation Christian parents have pasts that they cannot change which in itself handicaps their success as parents. Many from my parents generations made drastic changes is short periods of time in order to create an environment they thought was better for their children. In many ways this change was one of the only things they could or knew how to do, however, in many cases this created an air of hypocrisy. Also, I think many of these parents lacked the spiritual maturity to behave consistently with their new found faith. In an attempt to distance themselves so far from their past lives that is would be forgotten, they went to extremes to create a facade of Godliness. All righteousness is as filthy rags though, and because these parents created children who were more familiar with the tenants of the Christian faith than they were, the facade was interpreted as an inconsistent faith. In most cases we don't even know half of what our parents did when they were young, we just know it was bad and that they tried everything to cover it up to us. In some respects the facade was interpreted as a way to deceive us instead of being true and sincere conviction. So, some of us second generation Christians partially dismissed our parents as role models because of inconsistency.

In some regards many children of first generation Christian parents felt as though they were mere accessories to their parents faith. It was as if having Godly children rectified past sins and "cemented" the idea that they had changed their lives. Being insecure about their faith and not fully accepting the forgiveness of Christ, having a family that appeared Godly provided a sense of assurance of salvation. Their insecure faith needed the assurance of peers to prove that they indeed had changed their lives. Unfortunately, many of the children brought up in this environment weren't aware of their parents struggle and couldn't understand that the facades were really based on fear and insecurity. Many of us felt used to a degree, used to make our parents look good.

First generation Christian parents also have trouble trusting in God. I'm not sure they fully understand that while they screwed up, there's nothing they can to to make it right; I've seen them struggle for assurance of salvation, and struggle to understand that ultimately God is in control. I want my children to be faithful to Christ and to be saved, but I can only lead them. There's nothing I can do to save them or myself from sin, so even making it appear like there is anything in me that is capable of pleasing God only pushes my children farther from the truth. The only thing I can really do is show them that I believe in God and I trust him. I must show them that I am obedient to Christ not because I'm trying to gain favor but because I love Him. My salvation is solely based on the work of Christ and my obedience is a fruit of His working in my heart. As for me, I'm just as worthless as the worst sinner. Instead of trying to convince my children I am a good person, I want them to know I'm a bad person; that the only reason there's anything in my life that's worth being proud of is because Jesus worked in my heart and helped me make choices that were truly edifying.

I'm not sure if anything I've said really makes sense or helps you understand the points I'm trying to make.

We are in control of nothing. God is ultimately the one who leads us to make the right choices for the right reasons. As parents it all starts with humbling ourselves and trusting in God. Trusting that the Word of God is true and is the means by which we should base our life decisions. We must become less, and we must show our children that God blesses those who fear Him. We must become fearless with regard to anything besides the Lord and show them that nothing really matters to us except what God says. We must submit our children to God and ultimately trust that it will be Him that draws them to himself and that we are incapable of creating Godly children. All that we can do is seek the Lord and pray that he would create in us a clean heart.

Who am I to say anything about raising kids when you don't even know if I'm successful? Well, I'll tell you already that I'm a complete failure. I'm a failure because I'm a sinner. So no, Steve Turner will never have any credibility when it comes to raising successful children no matter what the outcome may be. The only thing I can do is point to the cross; success is knowing Him.

we covet

2012-10-27T19:50:00.000-04:00

There are some of the ten commandments that get more attention by Christians than others. The big ones like killing, stealing, and even honoring the Lord's day are easier to follow to a degree than some of the others. One commandment in particular that flies under the radar is this: Thou Shalt Not Covet.

It was about this time last year that I purchased a truck that I had been coveting for years. After spending most of my savings on a down payment, I flew to Wyoming and picked up what I had been coveting. The very next day the truck was totaled in an accident completely out of my control. I know this whole event could have been a complete coincidence, but I think God was teaching me what it really meant to store up treasures on earth. I am thankful he loves me enough to change my heart while I'm still young. I was pretty upset about it at first but now looking back I see just how stupid it is to want something so bad which has no lasting value. The truck itself was not evil but I had made an idol out of something crafted by the hands of man. I'm thankful that God took the truck away from me because it has changed my heart. Some people probably don't fully realize what I learned until its to late. Many realize on the other side of the grave that what they coveted and worked so hard for in life cannot be taken with them.

Jesus taught that there was more to the law than the basic nature of the command; the law can be broken by the heart. What does it mean to covet with the heart? The more I think about it the more I begin to think that we in America have created a way of life where covetousness is critical to societal evolution. Our whole economy is built on covetousness. If you look in the church you won't find much difference from anywhere else.

Alyssa and I realized something last night; to some our house probably is horrific. Almost all of our furniture is either a hand me down or was bought second hand. Our couch is falling over, I have an office chair from the 1960's acting as a critical seating component in the living room. Nothing matches and to be honest nothing at all makes much sense. After thinking about this for awhile we came to the conclusion that perhaps some of the people down here are abhorred by what they see. In the south people care a lot about how their homes look, where we were from our decorating scheme was quite normal. Even poor people down here go to great extent to make sure their homes are in tip top shape. I'm not saying that people in the south are more covetous but rather the cultural change has made me realize that what may seem normal to you may actually be a critical flaw of the heart in the form of covetousness.

I'm amazed at how many Christians base critical life decisions around desires that are not eternal. Just like when I bought the truck I coveted, we make decisions based on greed and then shroud the guilt under an excuse that makes us think we were supplying ourselves with a basic need. The furniture in our house is probably embarrassing to some but if you spend anytime in our house you will see that it is all quite functional.

The thing that really bothers me is how Christian parents teach their children that it is not ok to live life without greed. We teach kids that God is not to be trusted to meet our needs. Consider the following passage from Matthew 6.

²⁵“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]?

²⁸“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

You might as well take this passage and rip it from the pages of your Bible because it is not adhered to by the church. We hold on so tight to our expectations of life that we are not willing to settle for what God has to offer. I think we all know deep down that beauty and riches God is talking about will not meet the covetous desires of our hearts so we use any number of excuses we can to justify our worry and pursuit of material possessions.

How many people hold off on marriage or children because they don't think they can afford it? This is total BS. How many people don't help or love others because it conflicts with the evil desires of their hearts? I can't tell you how many times people look at me like I'm crazy for having three children at 25. I garner almost an instant reputation of being a reckless thoughtless father who isn't thinking about the well being of my family. People shake their heads and laugh at me when I say I plan on having more children. Some try to calculate the costs and how I simply won't make it financially. Really it is these people who are fools. When I am on my deathbed the last thing I will regret is my children. The thing I will regret is the time I spent chasing after things that have no eternal value.

The more you think about covetousness, the more radical your outlook on life becomes. After awhile you may just quit caring about the future and start living life selflessly. It makes me quit caring about a promotion at work and care more about the lives of those working with me. It makes me quit wanting the house I've always wanted and causes me to think about giving more of my money to those in need. After all what difference does it really make if I live in a shack? It makes me care less about the big truck I always wanted and care more about identifying with people who can't afford such a luxury.

We all need to do a little more self examination on this issue. Perhaps there is no greater stumbling block in the advancing of God's Kingdom than the evil and selfish desires of our hearts.

The Mountains

2012-09-08T00:50:00.001-04:00

I love the mountains; there’s something mysterious, almost otherworldly about them. If you have ever been to big mountains you know that the height and the terrain creates a climate and an environment all of its own. On several occasions the rugged nature of the mountains have led me steps from death.

I have a terrible fear of heights but there’s something about the adrenaline associated with my acrophobia that continues to put me in terrifying situations. When I went on a solo trip to the bridger wilderness in Wyoming, I remember being humbled by a large 13000’ mountain. I hiked to the top, blazing my own trail, and had trouble remembering my route on the way back down. I remember climbing around a narrow ledge and peering over to see where my next step would be, but there was no step below. There in front of me was a 2000’ drop. Suddenly the grit under my shoes seemed to be pulling my feet over the ledge. In my mind it was as if the ledge was suddenly made of ice and there was nothing I could do because the ledge was sloped to the edge. I sat down. I had been in this situation enough to know that the best thing to do is to relax and clear my head so that I can move about in a rational manner. So I sat there for probably an hour with my feet practically dangling over the deadly edge. Despite my discomfort, life seemed to make more sense on that ledge.

I’ll be the first to admit that I struggle with finding a sense of purpose in what I do. There are very few things in life that seem to bring satisfaction to my restless spirit. We recently went through the book of Ecclesiastes in church and I again found myself identifying with the bleak and pessimistic words of this book of wisdom. I find much comfort in these words. It’s as if the author answers a question that I would otherwise spend years justifying my answer to. Indeed, the pursuits of man are meaningless.

I often sit down with friends and discuss what I would do if I suddenly became a billionaire. After we spend a few moments fantasizing about the cars and real estate we would immediately purchase, we generally end up somewhere back at square one doing something we are already doing. I usually wind up owning a construction business doing exactly what I’m doing now only with a greater focus on the quality of life. Eventually I begin to realize that the things that I want the most cannot be purchased with money and could be achieved where I’m at right now.

Sitting there on that ledge I remember thinking about the things that were important to me. I began to think of my wife and my son. I remember thinking about my career pursuits and just how meaningless they were in and of themselves. Not that my career was wrong, but sitting there next to death I realized that I would never regret putting my family first. I would never regret standing up for what is right. I would never regret giving the shirt off my back to a friend. I would be happier in a homeless shelter than in a mansion with a compromised life. If I were to die for a friend I wouldn’t miss a thing.

The mountains to me represent the life that we chose not to see. The mountain I was on was not evil, but the path I chose led me close to death. Sometimes I find myself lingering next to a mental ledge of death as the pursuits of the lust of the flesh seem to crowd out the beautiful view of the mountain I’m climbing. The mountains I climb are full of dangerous situations and the higher I get the more likely it is that I will fall to my death. But then when I just turn around and look at what’s around me, the open skies and the valleys below, I realize it’s the view that satisfies me the most and the satisfaction my appetite for the wild receives. The higher I climb the more impressive the view becomes.

So the things in life I achieve, they are meaningless in and of themselves. I didn't create the mountain so I can't ever fully take credit for standing on it. If the goal becomes a stance higher than others then I will attempt to take credit for something that I never could have made possible which is a meaningless pursuit. But when I look back and see from a higher stance the things that God has made and understand them from a greater perspective my heart can worship Him with greater sincerity.

When I look at my new daughter who was born only 2 weeks ago I see something incredible that I’m incapable of achieving by myself. It is a beautiful view.

So if you're wondering if you are on the right mountain don't really beat yourself up about it. Climbing mountains is a meaningless pursuit. Turn around and sit for long enough to be fully in awe of the view and then get up and seek a better view.

I’ve climbed higher on my mountain than other young men and likewise I have more reason to worship the King. I want to climb even higher so that I can see more beautiful things. I pray that my focus will be on enjoying God and understanding his wonders. I pray that my deeds will be righteous so that the fog will clear away and leave me doing the only thing that matters: standing in awe.

steadfast faith

2012-07-12T13:19:00.002-04:00

Perhaps I was a bit strong in my last post when describing my perspective of the summer mission trip. I have nothing against the mission field; in fact I find stories of missionaries quite inspiring. If there’s a mission report at church with a real life long missionary I’m the first one to clear my schedule so I won’t miss it. There’s nothing like listening to the story of someone who has such a strong faith in God that they go live in some third world country for their entire life and spread the word of God to the ends of the earth. Stories like these strengthen my faith and inspire me to be more sincere in my daily walk.

What I don’t like is how missionaries are sometimes held in higher regard than others who have trusted in Christ and have held fast to the faith unto the grave; like a man who has lived a normal life but held fast to the faith, raising his family strong in the Lord, and then going on to be with God. These are the missionaries who rarely have any stories told about them. How rare is it to find such a man?

My own father is such a man but you wouldn’t know it. It was difficult to understand dad when I was a teenager. I even had thoughts a few times that he wasn’t being enough of a Christian because he wasn’t “living out his faith”. After being a father and a husband for a few years I now understand that he is much greater than I ever thought he was. He lived his life quietly, often never letting his left hand know what his right hand was doing. However, he was unwavering in his faith. I’m pretty sure he read the word every day; I say pretty sure because he wasn’t one to flaunt around the fact that he was doing what Christians should normally be doing. Looking back, there is no question in my mind that my dad was sincere about his faith, in fact, I know of few other men who I can say the same about with sincerity.

The amount of men I know who I consider real men could be counted on one hand. Some of these men are Christians and some of them haven’t yet acknowledged Christ as their Savior. These are men that stand firm upon their principles and are unmoved by the raging storms of life and by the gentle breezes of seemingly sweet demoralizing change. They willingly take responsibility for their actions and commitments while making whatever sacrifices necessary to provide for those under their care. The greatest thing about these guys in my opinion is they are faithful because it is the right thing to do not because they want to be seen as good men. It is so hard to find a faithful man because there are so many that are faithful only to the extent that their faithfulness is visible by others.

All of this being said, while missionaries are heroes, there are other men that should be given the same amount of accolade as missionaries. The idea of being a faithful individual should be held up as being the ultimate goal, missionary or not. The church seems to hold up a different standard for living, as if faithfulness to God and his commands are secondary to impressing Jesus (which really means impressing others).

If when I get to heaven Jesus asks me the famous evangelism question, “why should I let you in here with me,” my reply will be this, “because your blood has covered my sins and has made me clean in your eyes and because of you I am worthy of your fellowship.” Some Christians live as though they will be submitting a resume to Jesus, as if they will be saying, “Jesus, gimme my crown! And it had better be a big one.”

“My only crown is knowing You and to be found in You my only glory”

You might not be a Christian if you are not ok with Jesus receiving all the glory and yours truly receiving none.

One thing that I’ve learned in my career thus far is letting your actions rather than your words speak about your character is the only way to build a good reputation. In business it’s all about the money, and if you can’t make a profit on a job then you’re most likely going to get fired. People don’t care about who you are, they care about what you can consistently perform. Companies would hire robots if they could. It is so annoying to run into someone while doing business who thinks they are God’s gift to the industry. I’ve determined that faithfully doing my job consistently is the best course of action.

There is a disconnect from the real world when you step into Christian circles. The measure of a life well lived is not about who appear to be but rather about what you’ve done. Faithful missionaries and faithful fathers and mothers who follow their callings to the grave, glorifying God for no personal gain: this is a life well lived. It’s not about me, it’s about obedience to God in whatever it is he calls me to do. People in the church brush over folks like my dad because he has nothing to say about himself. Instead those who are able to fabricate words in the proper way often find their way into leadership. The disconnect is that words in the church seem to mean more than actions.

As Mr. Doug Row said in a comment in my last post, young people in the church too often seem to have a very poor understanding of salvation. I agree and in my opinion the church too often trains our children to be measured by words rather than actions; image over obedience. I have a feeling if you took away any prospect of personal gain, most people wouldn’t even be in church.

My advice to myself: be that man. Be that man that my kids will see 40 years from now and will be able to say, "there is a man that was was faithful and obedient to Christ all his life knowing full well it wasn't going to satisfy any fleshly desire. Because of what I see in that man I know that there is a redeemer."

mission VACA

2012-07-10T14:51:00.000-04:00

It is always humorous listening to church reports of kids that go on mini mission trips. The season for summer mission trips is now and things are no different in my new church here in North Carolina.

I had the privilege of going on one such mission trip when I was younger and I had a great time. If it were up to me at the time I probably would have sought a permanent position in the mission field. However, life took a few turns and I ended up advancing the kingdom from an office.

The typical life changing report from a mission field amuses me in that it proves that parents and church leaders are doing a poor job educating kids what life is really about. First of all it seems that most kids have never really worked in their lives as they tell tale of the rigors of their vacations with a mission. Secondly these kids usually seem more confused about which direction to take their lives after the mission vacations.

My advice for young men and women would be similar to the advice of one of my role models: go and be an adult. Do everything in your power to become independent. Buy a car, buy a house, work hard, get married, have kids, and have the confidence to only look back on your past as mere historical data.

Too many people have an adulterous relationship with safety. Helmets on kids, car seats for teens, insurance for this, insurance for that, and so on. Likewise we encourage our children to be safe and make the cautious choices that won't in any foreseeable way cause them hardship. News flash: nothing is safe.

If you don't learn to fight then you won't get far. I've come to realize the things most people use to make themselves feel secure are perhaps the very things that keep them from being secure. Security is not in a beautiful home or a perfect job but rather in flexibility and the willingness to work hard. In construction we have a saying that we always plan what we want to achieve and then back up and do what it takes to make it happen. One of the keys to being successful in construction is the ability to look at the final product and not get caught up in the mundane difficulties. Put one foot at the end and drag the other one along behind.

General Patton was one of the most successful generals in WW2. One of his successful tactics was always being on the move and constantly beating down the enemy. He once said, "Whenever you slow anything down, you waste human lives." Patton was not thinking about the horrors of war when he led his men, rather he was thinking about victory. Why not train our children with a similar mindset? We should encourage our kids to not get stuck in the trenches but to constantly be moving forward. I consider life to be a battle and whenever you get too comfortable or scared then you open yourself up for failure. Your will to fight is your only security.

Back to the kids coming home from the vacations with a mission. Rather than viewing a one week trip to an area of extreme poverty a mission, life needs to be a constant mission. We should never become so comfortable or secure that we are no longer sacrificing ourselves for a higher purpose. There will always be an enemy to fight as long as there is sin in the world; until I die life will be a constant mission of good over evil.

In my opinion the excitement of kids over a summer mission trip is like some soldiers who found some brief comfort in a fruit tree along the path to war. The pleasure of victoriously eating the fruit becomes a pleasurable distracting memory laced with confusion when the real battle starts and the final goal is not understood. It's not wrong to grab an apple but the tree itself provides no security when it will likely be destroyed by an advancing enemy. The final goal of glorifying God is the only security. This is the mission and the battle.

Even The Dogs

2012-07-02T09:10:00.000-04:00

Wrote this song for Faith Baptist Church in Valparaiso, IN the last Sunday before we moved to NC.

generations

2012-06-29T14:59:00.001-04:00

I’ve been thinking lately about the impact of different generational mentality on everyday function in our lives. While I’ve read many articles on the subject, most have been descriptive articles without really connecting the dots in a way that helps me understand the significance.

When you graduate from college and/or enter the workforce, you enter into the world of your parents. Whatever generational rebellion was possessed is now only going to work against you as the authority structure is run by people in your parents’ generation. Having been a recent entry into a work world run primarily by generation X and the baby boomers, I am beginning to understand that unless I learn to fit in with the previous generation, I’m going to have a hard time succeeding. My bosses have waited a long time to be able to put their mark on the workplace of previous generations and they’re not going to be accepting of the idea that Y is next.

Before I go too much further in this conversation I probably need to clarify what the generations are.

The Greatest Generation (born 1901 – 1924)

These are the folks which fought in world war 2. They probably remember not having a car and they probably died using a computer. The greatest generation was responsible for making the United States the superpower that it is today. The experiences of the war shaped the mindset of the entire culture. Young heroes returned from the war with a strong feeling that what they had done was secure and cement the idea that the United States is the best nation on the face of the earth. They strived for economic greatness and achieved it.

Perhaps it was the euphoric feeling and the post traumatic state of mind that caused many of our grandparents to live their posts war lives in somewhat of a dreamlike state; as if tomorrow would never come. It seems as if they made decisions without really weighing the long term consequences and recklessly passed on a state of confusion to the next generation.

The greatest generation is considered to be the most selfish generation ever. Perhaps they felt like society owed them the finest life possible because of their sacrifice for world peace. Nevertheless, they went into debt for the purpose of luxury like no other generation before and this mentality has affected every generation since.

The greatest generation is also blamed for much of the economic crisis that is happening today. It’s easy to see the connection between the selfish nature of this generation and the recent economic crisis. After all, our grandparents went into debt for a home so why shouldn’t we?

Perhaps the worst thing the greatest generation did is drop the ball when parenting. The selfishness of the parents and the hands off parenting approach left the baby boomers in a state of mental chaos. I’ve heard countless stories of how baby boomers never really had any sort of personal relationship with their parents.

The Silent Generation (1925 - 1945)

This is kind of a lull generation between two of the most defining generations. They set the stage for the cultural change of the 60’s.

Baby Boomers (1946 – 1964)

My parents and many of the parents of my generation fall into this category. This generation played a primary role in shaping modern culture. There was a departure from the cultural norm which informalized the expectations of our social culture. I don’t think that all the members of this generation were completely comfortable with the change they brought. As a result it seems like some retracted to become more like previous generations while others seemed to suffer from a severe identity crisis as they really had no one to compare themselves with. You see a lot of people from this generation riding Harleys as a way to identify themselves with a group resembling what it is they were trying to achieve: freedom from social formalities and deceptions, even though this association is mostly deceptive.

Generation X (1965 to 1981)

These guys are one step above my generation and are likely to be the ones that I directly report to in the workplace. I would say that this generation cemented the change of the previous generation. This generation fully accepted the idea that the social deceptions of the greatest generation were just that: empty deceptions. Fewer from this generation suffer from an identity crisis because they didn’t create the rebellion. Bosses are more likely to create a workplace that is much more informal without the same structure that was once accepted as the norm.

Generation x is similar to the silent generation in that they took a hiatus from dramatic change. It seems as though radical change skips generations.

Generation Y (1982 to 1999)

This is my generation. We are very different that anyone that has come before us. Many of us were born in the pre computer era, so we have an understanding of what life was like in the old school; however, we were still young enough that when the computer revolution took place we were able to fully adapt and understand how the technology could be utilized. We took the digital age and made it what it is today and will pass on a new legacy to future generations. We look at things from a much more skeptical point of view because we have all the information we need at our finger tips. We don’t respect or trust people because of who they are or what they say, it’s not that simple anymore; we demand an explanation and will do the research to see if you are legitimate or bluffing. We’ve had several generations of social change behind us and this idea is not new to us, it is simply a way of life. The greatest generation makes no sense to us and it seems strange that people once placed such a high regard on status and outward appearance because it seems to hold no value.

While generation y may be extremely different that the greatest generation, they do hold one thing in common: both were born before the implementation of a huge technological paradigm. For the same reason that the greatest generation was considered great, we will probably be considered great by our children because of the vast amount of change that will take place as a result of technological advancements.

During the past 2 presidential elections individuals from generation Y have looked at the election of a president from an entirely different point of view. It’s only a matter of time before our vote begins to count as the majority. Many voted for Obama because he represented a change from the old fashioned way of politics and many made this voting decision based entirely on the idea of change, without really considering what the Obama change represented. This time around young people have rallied behind Ron Paul who is a night and day difference from Obama. Ron Paul is a mixed bag of radical ideas; older generations consider him too radical but his policies make sense to us and represent the kind of change that we will likely achieve when we finally take over.

Because my generation doesn’t care about outward appearance or status, we will likely negatively affect the role of the United States in the global scene. We don’t have the same anti-foreign views as our grandparents and seem to view everyone in the world as being equal. I’ll admit that I sometimes wonder what the point is of maintaining the status as the greatest country on earth. Being the greatest country on the earth seems kind of pointless when doing so has seemed to drive us into extreme financial turmoil. Also, many before us seem to think that it is the US Government that has made this country great, but we have lost our faith in the US Government. NASA isn’t going to space anymore; it’s the private billionaires of our generation that are. Personally I feel like I’m all alone when it comes to my future. The government doesn’t have my back; I’m definitely not going to trust my retirement to the market; and I’m definitely going to have to take healthcare into my own hands. I feel like the United States is my more a corrupt enemy than a friend and I feel like the generational mentality of previous generations is dangerous or unachievable. As a result of the current state of the nation many from my generation will be less patriotic than any previous generation. Patriotism was different when there was something to be proud of. When I watch a 4^th of July fireworks show I often find myself wondering what about this country is really worth celebrating these days when it seems all the government does is corruptly squander the freedom of its citizens and promote socialism.

People of my generation are also less likely to be affiliated with religion. Those who do choose to be religious are more likely to take it more seriously than those in previous generations. Fewer people go to church just to go to church and more and more are studying theology unlike many from previous generations.

Generation Z (Post 2000)

Many consider that this generation will be similar to the silent generation which came after the greatest generation. They will likely proceed to implement the ideas that we leave behind and will carry the technological ball forward.

Discussion

Originally I was delving into a discussion about how younger generations have to understand their parents in order to successfully be seen as mature by them. The workplace has nearly always been controlled by those members several generations behind the current time. As a result, the social structure of the workplace mostly resembles what the popular culture looked like in our parents day. My past 2 bosses are from Generation X and the Baby Boomers respectively.

My previous company was run by management consisting entirely of generation Xers. The environment that they created was extremely relaxed. There was no dress code and we were allowed to work in whatever manner we wanted as long as work was being accomplished. They also liked to party and the company had no problem with post work hour drinking and had a very relaxed drug policy. I never felt like I fit in very well with this group as my parents were much different. These were the EX rockers of the 80’s who have a lifestyle like the hippies without any guilt. I found the environment to be a bit reckless and chaotic though it was a lot of fun. My family values received little to no respect and I was instructed several times to tell my family that they would see less and less of me.

Now I work in a company which is run by Baby Boomers. The environment is much more formal and retains a bit of the professional façade developed in the greatest generation. I feel as though I understand the environment much better because those in charge are similar to my parents. What I wear to work and how I go about my work still matters here. Technology is provided to us but not fully embraced by those in charge. They understand the value of technology but don’t have the skills that us young guns have. When I display a hard work ethic and other values of the greatest generation I find that my superiors are impressed; they probably feel at home and sympathetic to these types of ideas. They are also sensitive to family because they were from a generation where family was not placed first; they have a tender side for parents who are committed to their families.

Anyways, I’m a bit tired of typing. I have written enough on this topic to get you thinking. Think about your life experience and analyze how your major life events have been affected by generational differences.

Observations About Southern Culture

2012-06-21T12:39:00.001-04:00

'...likely you will just be a weed struggling to grow on the heavily shaded forest floor' myself

It has taken me awhile to begin to understand the vastly different culture that I am now a part of having moved from Indiana to North Carolina. I’m probably a bit hasty in making any judgments as I have only been here a few months. However, I’ve already arrived at a few conclusions thus far.

To say that the social structure of the south is complicated is a massive understatement. While I’m just familiar with a small section of North Carolina I’m frequently assured that things are much different in other parts of the south. So, in defense of those in other parts of the south my analysis might not be representative of whatever flavor of the south you are from. From pieces of information I’ve put together I understand that there are at least 3 or 4 different regions of North Carolina, each with their own separate social complications.

Now for my observations:

The roots go deep… deeper and deeper way down.

This is not an area where people flow through, fit in, and leave. People for the most part seem to have long and often dark histories with large and complex family trees. The deep rooted nature of most of the people greatly affects the social structure of the culture, I’ll go into this more in later observations. In a nutshell the concept can be summed up in this statement: if you’re not connected to the root system than you’re basically not part of the enchanted forest. Maybe if you’re lucky you could be a fruit producing wild berry bush of some kind that could be used as a food source, maybe in a fruit pie, but more than likely you will just be a weed struggling to grow on the heavily shaded forest floor.

Different Country Influence

I guess I didn’t see this one coming as much as I should have. Around these hills, country folk really don’t have much to do to make money so the rednecks are a bit more white trashy than those from Indiana farm country. This affects almost every area of the social complex.

In Indiana the country influence is much different; when you think country you probably think farming. Farming is a respectable business where the entrepreneurial spirit of self-achievement abounds. Here in western North Carolina there are no farms. Country people are “mountain people,” who really don’t have any trade or occupation to be associated with. Sadly, in many cases country folk are financially poor remnants of a bygone era, they struggle to cling to a way of life that is not compatible with what it takes to be “successful” in this day and time. Not wanting to prune themselves from the forest, most of these type simply give up trying to achieve anything.

I find there is a cultural divide between those who are poor country folk and those who are trying to avoid being seen as poor country folk. Those in avoidance try to do anything in their power to maintain an appearance of wealth and shun anything that represents being poor. I find it a bit strange that the poor rednecks actually have an influence on the entire culture, but it is a defining aspect.

Personally Bashful

Everyone says that people in the south are extremely nice. I say that people in the south appear to be extremely nice. You have to be careful because you never really know what people are thinking. Granted you will probably find out because people like to talk and word gets around, but never will anyone say anything negative about you to your face. Taking it the other way, people are also very inwardly bashful about what sort of deep feelings they share with other people. I find it very hard to connect with people in a deep level, especially those who are trying to maintain an appearance of wealth.

I think that this inner reserve of people is the hardest aspect of the south for me to get used to. A few years ago I probably wouldn’t have been able to see through people’s false fronts but I’ve matured enough now to clearly understand when the appearance of pleasantry is just a deception. I would much rather have someone tell me what they think and be completely honest rather than to harbor negative thoughts.

The harboring of negativity and bitterness seems to be another defining aspect of the south. It seems that most people have a secret reserve of bitterness that controls their life. Rather than dealing with issues as they arrive, the sore of bitterness festers for years, even generations. Because negativity has nowhere else to go than under the surface, I feel people are more cautious when it comes to revealing who they actually are, resulting in a bashfulness of sorts.

One must understand that while people in the south may seem nice, you actually know nothing of who they really are. Here I thought I was a bashful person but it turns out that I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Bible Belt

Christians from the north often view the south as being such a Godly place filled with dedicated Christians. While there may be a Baptist church on every corner, and the culture is heavily influenced by the Baptist tradition, this doesn’t magically mean people have higher morals. The Legalistic Christian influence in the Bible belt is just another social complication that causes people to deceive. We attend a PCA church which teaches reformed theology. The church seems to be filled with ex-Baptists who are extremely bitter towards their legalistic upbringings and who are hungry for theology which makes logical sense.

Almost every day I see a reference in the form of a bumper sticker which blatantly reminds me that if I’m not reading the King James Bible then I’m not reading the words of the Lord. Every time I see such a sticker I just about loose it. This is another discussion entirely but if you think that the politically influenced King James Version translation of the Bible is inspired then I just don’t even want to be your friend; there’s going to be so much intellectual disconnect between us that I’m just going to nip the relational bud right when I see the ass end of your car.

Anyways you can clearly see how by itself the false ideology of legalism so prevalent in a culture would make it almost unbearable to live in. The one thing in life I will hold a grudge against until I die, is the idea that we can please God with our own righteousness. I flee it with everything in me to the point that I’m offensive to legalistic people and perhaps it’s sinful to blatantly take advantage of the freedom I have in Christ in front of others. You want to hear how Jesus saved my life? Come over for a beer and a cigar and I’ll share my deepest feelings about how I’m helpless and hopeless without the blood of Christ.

Back home I grew up with a group of people who were affected by legalism; I know how it works and I can’t stand to be around it. Down here the entire culture is affected by confused versions of Christianity.

Outsiders Are Outsiders

The fact that outsiders have a hard time breaking into the culture of the south is a culmination of all my other observations. While you might think that it would be easy to move into the land of “nice people” and fit right in, you will find this to not be the case unless you are a shallow person incapable of detecting honesty. I honestly don’t know what other people think of me but I’ve hit up against a cultural social wall that I can’t seem to penetrate. When we moved from Indianapolis to the Chicago area we had no trouble fitting in with new people. In less than 2 years we had more friends than we had in our hometown, at any point in time there was about 10-15 people I could call up to hang out with. As of right now I only have 1 friend that is on the “stop by for a visit” status.

If you understand the first 4 points I made then you can clearly see that the south is not the place to be if you are planning on making a lot of new friends quickly. On top of everything moving slower here there are serious unwritten social rules that prevent fast deep friendships. In fact I question whether or not some lifelong southerners even have deep friendships, the environment is just not conducive for deep relationships

Conclusion

I’ll admit I’ve been slightly disappointed with the south. I was one who expected the apparent niceness to be more genuine. However, understanding the differences in cultural patterns is the key to being able to develop a survival strategy. I’ve pretty much reached the decision that I’m not going to stay here for life. I miss the Chicago thug attitude where people are blunt and forward; at least you know what you are dealing with. You have to do a lot more in depth analyzing to figure out who people are in the south and what they think; you just can’t take their word for it.

I believe that all people are basically created the same. That being said, I think that there are just as many nice people in the south as there are in the north. I have no problem with the people of the south, I just find the cultural complexity depressing and stressful.

intern

2012-05-22T01:05:00.003-04:00

Today I was introduced to my summer intern. I didn't realize he was coming until today and I didn't realize he'd be working with me until the end of the day. I must say I'm looking forward to the following weeks as it's nice to have someone to work with.

The kid seems promising, he just finished his coursework at ASU and this internship is all that stands between him and graduation. This is almost an identical situation to last summer when I had an intern at Thieneman.

Anyways, this guy has never before worked in the industrial construction business. I spent most of the afternoon teaching him what the business is all about. I remember my first day and I wish someone had told me what I was in for.

I don't think the intern was originally going to be working under me, after all I'm the low man on the pole. However, since most people don't seem to like working with people who know nothing, and after my boss heard my 3 hour diarrhea of the mouth to the intern, I must have seemed like a good solution to the rookie problem.

So, the following weeks will sail by with ease. My workload will decrease dramatically as I delegate.

I know I know, I've talked about it many times... how I love to efficiently utilize labor... This time however, something clicked. I like to teach, and most people don't. Most bosses I've had expect me to pick up on things and never teach me how to do what I'm supposed to do. Come to think of it I've only had 1 or 2 bosses who actually take the time to explain things to me until I feel comfortable with what I'm doing. I surprised myself today when I found that I was extremely enthusiastic about explaining everything I knew to this new kid. So, it clicked that my personality type teaches well. The fact that passing on information is enjoyable must mean that I'm wired slightly different than the other guys who turned down the opportunity to have a lightened workload. I'm an analytic, I love analyzing things. All the information I've gathered since I started in the business I'm eager to pour out. Others probably think about the intern from an entirely different point of view.

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to have another person's brain? I guess I really didn't understand how different people could be until I was married. At first it almost offended me that Alyssa didn't think like me. Then I began to realize that I was probably more strange and offensive than she was. It's easy to forget that 'thinking about something from someone else's perspective' means to process a situation in a way that is completely foreign. It cannot be done in and of itself. You almost have to write a mental algorithm to process the perspective based entirely on historical data. I think some people are harder to perceive than others though. Women especially are very much a mystery. There's something entirely different going on in their heads.

That was kind of a rabbit trail... but most things in life are.

the kid at jack in the box

2012-05-11T16:25:00.000-04:00

Today I was at Jack in the Box in accordance with my semi-routine lunch break. While deciding on a sandwich I made another decision; the young man behind the counter would make an excellent employee. This young man has been working at Jack in the Box for a couple weeks now and I’ve been carefully examining his performance/attitude. This kid stands out because he is not exactly socially acceptable. He’s overweight, buttons his top button, walks funny and probably doesn’t have a lot of friends. What most people would overlook I look at as a low risk hire.

The good part about this kid is his overachievement and initiative. The kid’s all over the place: he’s washing tables, he’s carrying out the trash, he’s bringing meals out to people, he’s running the cash register and he somehow is filling bags with orders all pretty much at the same time. He takes orders with such detail and care you’d think he was serving the president. I’ve observed him carrying out these tasks with great speed and a spring in his step, as if working at a fast food restaurant is his dream job.

As I’m watching this kid I’m envisioning him working under me in the office. He probably knows nothing about construction management and I assume he’s probably not going to quickly be able to pick up on the process. However, if I stripped the tasks I would have him perform down to the most basic form, and if he applied the same fervency I’ve seen, he’d be one of the best workers in the office.

Someday when I’m in a position where I have some weight behind which employees get hired I’m probably going to take a vastly different approach than most people. As is standard I will try and get a feel for the knowledge and intelligence of the employee but I won’t stop there, I’ll try and figure out the personality of the individual. A decision will be based on a combination of the two. An intelligent individual with a bad attitude is just as bad as a retard with a good work ethic. Matter of fact I’d rather have a hard working retard than a stuck up know it all.

For example, with my fencing business a mentally handicapped kid with a positive attitude would likely carry out fence boards to and from the truck all day long for years on end without a single complaint. I’ve seen self-proclaimed geniuses struggle to do the same task while complaining about it every step of the way. All the while the geniuses honestly believe they are God’s gift to mankind but strangely enough they always seem to have a long history of untimely lay-offs which are never their fault. The added benefit of the hard working mentally handicapped kid is the fact that he’d put everyone else to shame which would likely improve the overall work ethic of the workplace. Plus you’d have one employee which wouldn’t be adding to the typical social complications of the workplace.

I probably wouldn't seek out mentally handicapped individuals to work in the office as there is not enough work to do at their level but I would carefully make selections based on my perceived analysis of their ability to work hard with no drama. If I was assembling a team of 3 individuals to run an estimating team I would look for 3 different types of individuals.

Man no. 1 – I want a guy that knows how to estimate; 15+ years of experience. This guy will cost the most and be the hardest to find. He’s got to be able to be a commander. He’s got to be honest. He’s got to be a leader. He and the other guys will be rated by 3 main factors. Man no.1 must meet the following requirements.

90% intelligence

90% work ethic

90% personality

Man no. 2 – This guy’s going to be doing most of the actual behind the scenes work and needs at least 3 years of experience. He’ll be easier to find.

50% intelligence

90% work ethic

90% personality

Man no. 3 – This guy’s job is going to be to assist the other 2 guys and alleviate the pressure of the environment. Knowledge is not very important as he will quickly learn everything from the other guys. The guy from Jack in the Box would be a good starting point.

10% intelligence

90% work ethic

90% personality

I would continue to add more no.3’s as necessary (up to 3 before more no.2’s)

The only factor I would ever take a risk on is the intelligence factor. I would never risk hiring someone who I thought had a bad work ethic or a nasty attitude.

So, in my present position I find myself in an estimating department filling the role of man no. 3. Man no. 1 and man no.2 are both top shelf employees. Now I just have to make sure I’m filling my role as man no. 3 in the most effective fashion. While, the man at jack in the box could theoretically fill my position if this was my company, I think I can provide more insightful assistance (higher intelligence factor).

Several factors I need to work on to make sure I’m more valuable than the minimum wage kid at jack in the box, and with the mentally handicapped kid carrying boards:

Shut up and do my job

Though I have a strong opinion about almost anything that can be analyzed, I’ve got to learn to give my opinion if and only if I am asked. In the meantime I can continue to analyze silently and be a better resource when I am asked.

Be attentive to the needs of the superiors

If I’m asked to perform a routine task once, then I should be looking for the opportunity to perform that task again without being asked.

Do not get involved in hushed conversations

This is the south… and while everyone is polite to your face, don’t assume they like you. I’ve never seen so many closed door/hushed conversations in my life. At least 5 a day go on in within earshot of my desk. I should have nothing to do with them. I’m here to do my job and I have no place judging any other employee unless absolutely necessary. Being as I am always observant to human behavior I can easily add fuel to a fire without really even caring.

Don’t talk about me

So far I’ve done a pretty good job of this. I understand that people down here think I’m an arrogant yankee, so I’ve made sure to only talk about myself and my history when I’m asked or if it’s being used to compare how great the south is to the north. To be honest people really don’t care about no.3’s life story. Let another man praise you not yourself…

Be positive and energetic

My old boss always commented on how I always looked half asleep. (I appeared this way most times because I was scared to death of him, seeing his car sent shivers down my spine.) While I’m not a naturally exuberant person, I’ve got to learn how to add energy to the environment I’m in. People will begin to rely on the energy that I bring to the workplace, bringing more value to me than is in my job description.

Communicate effectively

Given my position I have very limited windows where I can display my intelligence, however when the time comes to do so I need to do it effectively. No one here has really been telling me what to do so I usually just select a job on the bid schedule and start going to town. Last time I did this I was unexpectedly called into a meeting by no. 1&2 to explain the entire job to the president of the company. So I took the plans and went through them page by page explaining what the scope was and what I presumed the risks were. Wow, talk about a golden opportunity… proceed with caution and uncover the details.

I could think of several more areas I could improve on but I’ll stop there. I think being in my position is probably one of the most difficult to succeed at. Seeing as I have little value and am easily replaceable, I have to make sure that the only image I paint of myself is a positive one. Since my work goes largely unnoticed by superiors, I have a very small canvas to paint on.

It is exponentially more difficult to paint a detailed portrait on a small canvas than it is a large one. It takes a lot more time, a finer brush, and likely a magnifying glass.

success

2012-05-09T10:12:00.001-04:00

The concept of getting back up after falling down is an idea that most of us humans wind up having to fully grasp in order to survive.

I remember having a discussion with one of my daredevil friends a few years ago. He was big into motorsports, you name it he’d done it and probably had the recreational machine in his garage. Being somewhat fascinated with extreme motor sports, I always tried to get a feel for what it would take to do the insane things he told tale of. Motorsports does not require the same skills as most sports. Motorsports and other extreme sports are more mental than physical. A skilled poker player might have better luck as a dirt biker than a football player. When you think about the physics behind these sports, everything needed to complete the task is usually built into the machine; the only thing that stands between you getting 40’ of air on a motorbike is your mind.

The reason I am not really very good at extreme sports is because I have a normal fearful reaction to dangerous situations. This fear prohibits any sort of gracefulness as my mind is worrying more about survival rather than technique. As I am fully aware of my fear problem, I am always seeking advice on how to control my fears. My mom would tell me to follow my fears. While this might be good advice when the subject is doing a 100mph wheelie, it is not good life advice in general. I may not want to do a 100mph wheelie, but I do want to have that kind of control of my mind.

So, I asked my friend what it took and he offered me the following advice:

“When you fail, get back up and try again until you succeed; do this even if you are covered in blood.”

The theory behind the statement is this: if the last memory you have of an activity is one of miserable failure, then the next time you do that same activity you mind will not allow you to do so effectively. If however, you don’t let the bad memory sink in, but keep on going until you achieve success, then your mind won’t be a stumbling block in the future. The more time that elapses between the bad memory and the next attempt further cements the negative memory into the brain.

When I ruptured my spleen snowboarding, I was doing about 50mph down a very steep incline. This was the last run of the day and the season. I’ve never been able to go fast on a snowboard again. Even if I try I’m so shaky that I usually wreck. After I broke my collar bone in a similar fashion on a jump, I have never successfully hit another jump on a snowboard. I’m never relaxed enough to gracefully land a large air and more often than not I wind up on my ass.

Fear is crippling in so many respects. While the effects of fear are likely more clearly defined and more easily measurable in the example of extreme sports, I think it can negatively affect all areas of life.

One of the reasons I decided to give construction project management another try is because of the advice my friend gave me. I’m tired of giving up on things after falling on my ass; I want to succeed. Rather than to get back on a tricycle, I want to try to ride a bike again.

In our culture people are not encouraged to overcome their fears but rather to accept them and pass the blame. I’m a firm believer that any one of us has a much greater capacity for achievement than we know about. Too many of us let the negative thought patterns in our minds cripple our ability to achieve our full potential. I know that a lot of times I feel like I’m on the brink of just letting it all go. I have so much mental baggage to overcome I wonder how I even get out of bed some mornings and I know I’m probably better off than most people.

Even though there are likely a lot of people and circumstances you could point a finger at when it comes to your problems, passing blame will only waste resources and further cement negative thought patterns. I don’t think any of the people who have impaired us in the past are going to come running back to help us work through our issues. More than likely these folks have just as many or more problems than we have. The key then is to do what it takes to change the way we think about what we can do. Unfortunately I don’t have the answer on how to exhibit such mental control; if I did I would already be a retired self-made billionaire.

Even though I’ll admit I don’t have the answers, I know that getting back on the bike is critical to further fear impairment. I also know that my flesh can be my worst enemy and in this world true success will never be achieved as I am incapable of separating myself from my sin nature. Also, in the grand scheme of things success as is defined in our culture is over rated. Success according to scripture starts with placing your trust in Jesus. However, scripture doesn’t stop there but lays out clear guidelines about how we should live our lives. Don’t think that there is a separation between what’s in the Bible and real world life skills. Even to an atheist, the book of Proverbs would contain extremely valuable advice on how to navigate through life.

Ultimately, when you travel far enough down the intellectual path of what it takes to be successful and lead a meaningful life, you will arrive at one of two conclusions:

A. Knowing the truth will ultimately set you free from what binds you

B. everything is ultimately meaningless

I choose choice A; there are those who choose B and I don’t know how they have any sort of motivation at all. There are still others who are hanging in there and don’t really think about these kind of things.

As a Christian it ultimately goes so much deeper as you understand that truth is actually part of who God is.

more about NC

2012-04-30T09:21:00.001-04:00

I really never paid much attention to the Appalachian mountains before now. In my mind they were always just those short mountains in the east that are more hills than mountains. Being the type of guy that likes to go big or stay home, any trip I took for the purpose of exploring mountain wilderness took place in the Rockies. Now that I find myself living at the base of the tallest mountains in the east I have begun looking into what these mountains next door might have to offer me.

Yesterday Alyssa and I drove (and hiked) to the top of the highest mountain east of the Mississippi. At an elevation of over 6600 it provided a great view of the surrounding area. The thing about these mountains that make them seem large, is the fact that the elevation of the surrounding areas are closer to sea level than the areas around the Rockies. Denver, for example, is called the mile high city but is not in the mountains. The mountains around Denver are in the 13000 range. So you get a drop of 8000’. My town and the towns just east of my town are at around 1000’ or less above the sea, yielding a drop of about 5000’. Putting this into perspective you get some fairly impressive mountains. Not quite the Rockies but still mountains nonetheless.

I never really put the pieces together that I was moving to a mountainous region until I first visited the place. I guess when I thought of North Carolina I wasn’t thinking mountains. My relatives all live in the eastern part of the state and never made much mention of the mountains. Needless to say I am excited about the possibilities of what the region has to offer.

Another surprise was the art scene in western North Carolina. Asheville, about an hour west of where I live, seems to be the headquarters of the North Carolina Appalachian art scene. They have their own style of art, specifically music, which is vastly different than what you might find just a few hours down the road in Nashville. It’s a mix of bluegrass, blues, and southern rock. A public radio station plays commercial free local music and it happens to tune in just fine on my back porch. I’m excited about learning more about this style of music and perhaps playing a bit myself.

One of my favorite bands, The Dave Matthews band was formed in a small town up in Virginia and definitely has musical style that was influenced by the Appalachian music scene. I never quite understood what made his music style different than traditional rock bands until I came here. You can hear it more in his earlier albums, which is all I listen to from them since their later albums strayed too far into the unoriginal over engineered territory.

Appalachian music is laid back and warm with a definite rhythm but still surprising; it is a great medium for expression and originality but it cannot be forced. It’s a reflection of the general attitude of the region and the wonderful people that live down here.

I look forward to learning more about the region and absorbing in the feel of the region. I’ve felt so at ease and relaxed here that it will definitely be hard to leave. It’s like the whole area is one big family who is content to live at peace and enjoy life. The difference from Chicago is mind blowing. In Chicago it was as if there was a constant agitation in the air and you were forced to breathe it even if you didn’t want to. You know that feeling you get in your gut when you are overwhelmed, stressed and angry? I pretty much always felt like that when I was there. Not to say I didn't have good times, but there seemed to be a poison in the air.

the TURNER report

Seven Christmases

Coins

a year in the south.

ramble on

Land of My Sojourn

Construction Summary: Forney

The Interview

Textbook America

Faithful

we are not as strong as we think we are

Hope

showing God to others

more on the 3rd gen topic

3rd generation Christians

we covet

The Mountains

steadfast faith

mission VACA

Even The Dogs

generations

Observations About Southern Culture

intern

the kid at jack in the box

success

more about NC