That Guy! Sports Blog

Hi, may I buy you a drink?

2013-09-28T01:40:00.002-04:00

It's been two years-ish since anything has been posted on this blog, and I think it's about time we got back to it a bit. The reasons for the absence are many: marriages, break ups, new jobs, new careers (there's a difference, dammit!), etc. The main one however, was me, going from a job I wanted to a career in the field I was working. That said, I can't promise a lot. What I can tell you is I promise updates from time to time, writing that can be humorous and at times thought-provoking (maybe?), and more drunk Dirk Nowitzki! What will happen though is the more I see post views, the more I will write. When writing for fun, a sense of freedom comes about; that is what I have here. That said, I'd be a damned liar if I didn't say I didn't love site views, traffic, etc. when this site was more.. uhm, vibrant? Give me time to find to my voice, and I'll find time to bang (ha!) out pieces.

Help Out A Family Who Deserves It

2011-06-20T14:05:00.000-04:00

For us to say anything nice about a Yankee, a wearer of pinstripes would probably have to save a busload of children, a school for the disabled, and a senior citizen tour group from terrorists all in the same day. David Robertson is doing the real world equivalent of that. Robertson has started High Socks For Hope, a charity to help families devastated by the recent tornados in Robertson's hometown of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The funds help to rebuild and repair the buildings and lives damaged by nature's incredible power.

Quote Of The Day

2011-06-20T12:15:00.001-04:00

It combines two of our favorite things on earth: sports and White Russians (which I'm sure the five of us who went to Vegas a couple of years ago for spring break drank a swimming pool of that one night in the MGM). After seeing a string of Lebowski things this weekend (t-shirts, bumper stickers, etc.) I figured we'd go with the most famous quote of em all. Enjoy.

Player Wives - Ex-Wife Edition!

2011-06-20T10:45:00.000-04:00

Come on down, Candace Cameron!

Along with Kelly Kapowski, DJ Tanner dominated every fantasy I had when I first started figuring out the whole "Hey, if I do this..." aspect of growing up. Apparently Valeri Bure, who is more famous for being a twin than anything else felt that marrying into my crushes of the 1993 was sound advice. It ultimately didn't work out, but he got to do what every male born between 1984-1990 always dreamed of: fucking DJ.

These Guys Did What Matt Holliday Didn't: Touch Home Plate At Coors Field

2011-06-20T09:15:00.001-04:00

If you are a Rockies, Padres, or hardcore MLB fan the joke wasn't lost on you. If it is lost on you, just know that in Game 162 Holliday ~~may or~~ may not have touched home plate in scoring the winning run that sent the Rockies to the playoffs and ultimately the World Series. Deadspin the other day had a great video of a pair of guys living my dream out of running around the bases at Coors Field. Then a security showed up and then the cops, turning the sweetest of dreams into a relatively shitty nightmare. But imagine the bar stores!

Song For The Weekend

2011-06-17T12:55:00.000-04:00

I am not a hater of the French. They make fun metal structures, make damn fine coffee, and give us delicious potato dishes. You know what else they give us? Phoenix, the band who made mainstream waves last year with their song 1901. But before their commercial success they were making good music and here is some of it, their song If I Ever Feel Better.

A New Contributor, A New Propositon

2011-06-16T14:35:00.000-04:00

We like to open up our blog to the handful of friends we have that can write and did things other than sleep through college. While it may render the heading inaccurate we honestly don't give a shit. We hope you enjoy our new section, That Guy! @ College.

This is my introductory post sharing some of the stories that I had while attending a highly respected university. I use the term “highly respected” in the loosest sense. My alma mater is not known for their academics or prestigious, world class programs rather mainly for partying and sometimes athletics. Somehow ended up graduating in 4 years, but it was a long journey of many drunken nights that provided many good laugh. I hope you enjoy these as much I did living them.

Infamous “Late Nights”

Working at a nightclub in this particular college town was extremely fun. I met tons of people and made money while watching young students get belligerently intoxicated. However, when was our time to party? Since people like to go out on weekends (who knew?) I was always working on the weekends leaving the employees no time to go out and party hard. That changed my sophomore year when we as employees decided to start and take part in “Late Nights”.

"Late Nights" consisted of getting out of the work around 3-3:30 AM, purchasing cases off beer and bottles of liquor from the nightclub, and heading to one of the employee's places to rage until hours of the morning usually reserved for hookers and murderers. Watching the sun come up with bottles of Jameson in our hands was not unusual.

One of my first ever Late Nights was a memorable one. We had just gotten off of work and were trying to get everyone to party. It fell short though as just myself, another male employee, and two chicks decided drinking at 3 AM was sound decision making. Our group headed back to one of our apartments where we began taking shots and bonging beers like it was nobody's business. By 5 AM we were shitfaced. As the sun is starting to come up, me and the one chick were flirting heavily. We had always had a flirtatious relationship but the alcohol helped push this one to the next level.

After some more heavy flirting we proceeded to go up to her room and start to fool around. One thing led to the another; the next thing I know we were banging. She was sort of a kinky girl: talking dirty, doing some things I’ve never done before, and generally being a great time... until she threw the ultimate curveball at me. I was giving it to her from behind (just as she liked it) and in mid-thrust she turns back to me and says “Oh, my God! All I want you to do is BUST in my FACE!” Wait! WHAT!? Holy crap! Did she just say what I thought she said? Is this really happening right now? I thought they only said that stuff in porn! I was at a loss, stuck between shock, excitement, and confusion. I had to have a plan of attack but how to you even plan for something like that our of nowhere? While continuing my business I went back and forth in my head on how I was going to finish the climax (ha) of this experience. I ultimately decided not to fulfill her ~~mouth/face~~ wishes because of a sense of… I guess… I don’t know; I just didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. The end was nearing and I ultimately decided to discard future lawyers, doctors, and astronauts (I assume) all over her back. The landing of the load was met with a truly disappointed, “Oh, man.” I guess she was pretty serious about what she wanted.

By the time it was all over it was 7 AM and I decided to do the right thing by going home and sleeping off my shamefulness. The lesson as always? Give a girl exactly what she wants.

Until next time...
That Guy! @ College

While Playing Tecmo...

2011-06-16T12:15:00.000-04:00

this happened. The glorious part of it? He recovered a fumbled free kick following a Derrick Thomas safety of Bills QB (Jim Kelly).

Play Tecmo Super Bowl Online!

2011-06-15T14:05:00.000-04:00

I'm sure some of you remember Tecmo Super Bowl, the Nintendo game where Bo Jackson and Christian Okoye could intentionally run into people and then send them backwards 15 yards, where a 110 yard pass in their was always an option, and kickers could routinely nail 75 yard field goals. Well you can play it online along with many other Nintendo games. Click here if you want to play Tecmo and run wild using the Nigerian Nightmare or here just to check out a very solid site. Also, Bleacher Report ran an article last year on who was the best of the best in game. The list had the obvious choices and a few others that only the hardcore players would ever recognize.

Player Wives

2011-06-15T10:45:00.017-04:00

Come on down, Danielle Gamba!

Ugh! That smokeshow of an XX chromosome combination is married to Nick Swisher, world renowned asshat. When you type in "Nick Swisher" in Google, our favorite search engine provides us with the following searches:

Nick Swisher girlfriend
Nick Swisher pictures
Nick Swisher haircut
Nick Swisher contract
Nick Swisher news

He's supposed to be a baseball player (he's not very good) but instead is treated more like a D list celebrity. When you type in Albert Pujols Google does the legwork of putting in:

Albert Pujols stats
Albert Pujols espn
Albert Pujols contract
Albert Pujols biography

Yet she married Option A! Fuck you, Nick Swisher.

A Little Midweek Stimulation

2011-06-15T07:00:00.000-04:00

Rise and grind, motherfuckers. It's Wednesday and already our eyes are focused on Friday afternoon. Not that for us it's any different, we still have work on Saturday and Sunday, but at least we can say we're working on the weekend not for the weekend. It's also mid June so schoolsthatarenotcolleges will be getting out and before we start flipping off the little bastards on the roads or getting pissed off that they're creating long lines for the slide at the public swimming pool let us honor them. Reminisce to the days where work didn't exist and a summer's day was a blank canvas. Lesssgoooo!

Quote Of The Day

2011-06-13T11:30:00.000-04:00

Ah, fuck it. We're piling on today!

"In this fall I'm going to take my talents to South Beach and join the Miami Heat."

Enjoy your summer, BJ!

Player Wives

2011-06-13T09:30:00.001-04:00

Come on down, Ingrid Gordon!

When Jeff Gordon isn't riding around in a car at 200 MPH he gets to ride Ingrid, his Belgian supermodel of a wife. Jeff is currently listed at a generous 5'7". His wife? 5'9". However Jeff does is much larger in one area... his checking account. His career winnings on NASCAR's top circuit? 118,469,869. That doesn't include sponsorship money or earnings from other racing circuits. Good for you, little man!

Eyeopener - We Can All Finally Celebrate

2011-06-13T07:00:00.000-04:00

-What was stunning in watching the Dallas Mavericks 105-95 NBA Championship clinching victory in game six wasn't that Dallas proved they were better. What was amazing to see was how mentally and emotionally dead Miami looked in the last few minutes. The margin was large but not insurmountable yet the Heat looked as if they had stopped playing and stopped coaching. Fantastic. Oh. LBJ is a dick.

-Dirk Nowitzki was the Finals MVP. No surprise there. What was a surprise, or at least a departure from what we've come to expect, was Dirk's reaction at the end of the game. He ran off the court with time left on the clock and into the locker room, understandably overcome with emotion and keeping with his modest and humble image. I like him.

-It's a big fall from story one to story two in sports. Jeff Gordon netted his fifth career win at Pocono yesterday. It was win number 84 in his career, moving him into a three way tie for third all time. With Carl Edwards finishing 37th the standings became very, very crowded at the top.

-The baseball map has a chance of becoming very different shortly. What I like about the proposals is the best five teams from each league would make the playoffs instead of current system of three division leaders and two wild cards.

-Stupid offense. Francisco Liriano (he plays for the Minnesota Twins if you didn't know) was six outs away from no-no number two of the season. Then the Twinkies offense erupted for five runs against the Texas Rangers pitching staff keeping Liriano sidelined for a half hour. You can guess what happened next, both in terms of this no-no and the final score.

-The Red Sox have won nine straight and scored 376 runs during that stretch. (Note: all figures are approximate.) Yesterday they hung two touchdowns with the extra points on the Toronto Blue Jays for a 14-1 win.

-The San Diego Padres and Washington Nationals recorded 54 combined outs before a run was scored. The Nats got two in the top of the ninth and that would be the ballgame.

-I really dislike the Empire and their overrated shortstop.

-Mike Tyson, Julio Cesar Chavez, and Sly Stallone were all introduced into the Boxing Hall of Fame yesterday. Tim Dahlberg wrote a nice piece for USA Today touching on how lucky we are to have Tyson alive and very well and he's right. The world is a good place with a healthy and happy Tyson in it.

More Tits In Vancouver!

2011-06-11T00:06:00.000-04:00

The Hockey New's John Grigg (@THNJohnGrigg) posted this picture on Twitter today. Apparently the women of British Columbia show their fan support by showing their breasts sans support. We here support that.

Song For The Weekend

2011-06-10T23:54:00.000-04:00

Here's your song for the weekend, a little upbeat number to carry you through what we're all hoping is a great weekend for you, our faithful (we hope!) reader. It's Passion Pit, a super smart band you really need to be listening to.

Quote Of The Day

2011-06-10T23:48:00.000-04:00

Today's quote is from the week's hot topic, Anthony Weiner's weiner. The quote is from the congressman himself, taken from a sexually charged Facebook chat with a Las Vegas blackjack dealer. The entire quote is (sic). Enjoy!

"you will surely make noise when I take you deep. i will tell you how tight your p**** feels"

Player Wives

2011-06-10T23:07:00.005-04:00

Come on down, Vanessa Bryant!
Kobe cheated on you which has to suck. But look the ring you got out of it! Holy moley! I'm sure deep down, knowing how envious every single woman on earth is of that thing must make you feel good about yourself. Sure he has bajillions of dollars and may or may not have raped someone but... THE RING! Good for you, you smokeshow of a gal.

Google Honors Les Paul In The Coolest Way Possible

2011-06-10T12:05:00.003-04:00

Google is honoring guitar pioneer Les Paul for one more day. Yesterday, June 9, would have been Paul's 96th birthday. To honor him, the Google Doddle was turned into a playable, recordable Les Paul guitar. Due to popular demand, Google has kept it up for another day. Already people are doing some amazing thing with it.

So I urge you to go Google and play away using either your mouse or your keyboard to "pluck". In fact, we even recorded a little melody just for you. Just click here.

Eyeopener - Have You Seen This Boy?

2011-06-10T11:12:00.000-04:00

-Before I rip into LeBron, lets give credit where it belongs. Dirk, Jet, and co. flat out beat Miami last night. They didn't get lucky, they didn't get bailed out by the refs, they just beat Miami. They are the better and I really enjoy watching them play basketball. Their 112-103 victory has them 48 minutes away from lifting the Larry O'Brien as champions of the NBA.

-LeBron knows this isn't hockey and they play four periods and not three, right? Yes, BronBron had a triple-double and his overall numbers were good. Good isn't good enough. He needs to be great, and I don't think he has it in him. For the second straight game he shrank when it mattered most, scoring only two points in the last quarter. And those came with less than 30 seconds left. Miami is slowly turning on him as the begin to see what he really is, a phenomenal boy of an athlete, not a man.

-Apparently Bill Stewart may not have to coach a season with a coach in waiting. Reports out of the backwoods of America (you'll understand the dislike of this place shortly) seem to be pointing to Stewart being out of a job as soon as this weekend.

-Hey, Kenny Britt? Stop being a fucking asshole. You're making our alma mater look bad, not yours. Every single person who writes for this site has a Rutgers diploma hanging on a wall (or stuffed in a drawer) while you don't. What do you have instead? A multi-million dollar contract and the potential to be one of the best receivers in the NFL. Stop fucking up and listen to Derrick Mason when he says to get out of New Jersey.

-Bob Geren is out as the managers of the Oakland A's, the first A's manager to be ousted mid-season in over 25 years. Bob Melvin is not the interim manager further proving there are approximately 45 managers in baseball and clubs just recycle the constantly. If you follow the link there is a great little side anecdote about Mike Sweeney giving a speech in which he is essential Randall Patrick McMurphy and Geren is Nurse Ratched.

-Rain delayed the start of the Yankees-Red Sox game last night by 3 hours and 27 minutes. First pitch was at 10:32 PM and last out was recorded at 1:43 AM. In between there a game was played, some players were plunked, a Yankees lead was established, a seven run Red Sox happened, and the Sox swept the Empire.

-The Phillies couldn't hold a lead last night in the ninth and and it ended up costing them in the eleventh. Tyler Colvin scored the go ahead run on a Placido Polanco throwing error as the Baby Bears won 4-3. It's the eighth time in nine games the Phils have scored three or fewer runs.

-Well that was fun while it lasted, Pittsburgh.

-Can a brother get some run support? Madison Bumgarner is 2-8... with a 3.23 ERA! He picked up loss eight on the year last night, dropping a 3-0 decision.

-Tacos AND wins in Denver!

-Roberto Luongo will be back between the pipes tonight for the Canucks. The bigger question is will he be there at the end of the third period or will the Bruins chase him once more.

-Ay, caramba! Five players on the Mexican national soccer team were banned for using the PED last year's Tour de France champion Alberto Contador was found to be using.

Embrassing Story Wednesday

2011-06-09T13:45:00.005-04:00

It's a day late but whatever. This story is an old one, a time where I had no facial hair and still hadn't touched my first boob yet. It was July 2000, I was 12, and I was in Australia as part of a three week exchange program. This incident took place on our second full day Down Under (sorry, I had to work it in):

Our group consisted of 40 students, four chaperones/teachers, our tour guide Melissa, and our bus driver Graham. We started on the northeast coast in Cairns, home to rainforests and the Great Barrier Reef. While showering for dinner on our second night I swore I heard someone knock on my door. I threw on a towel and and I opened the door only to find no one. Thinking maybe someone need something, clothes, toothpaste, etc. I stepped completely out of my room and into the hall. Now, it wasn't really a hall, more of a passage way. Being in the tropics the rooms all opened onto an open air passage, sort of like how malls in nice weather cities are built. (Here's a link to the resort since I'm doing a shitty job describing it.) Anyway, I turn to go back into my room the door won't budge. It had locked behind me. I was stuck in only a towel, dripping wet and visible to pretty much anyone who walked by and looked up. I immediately become frantic (this experience would help me to prepare for college, a time in your life when being without most of your clothes in public is called Friday). By chance a girl who was staying across the hall-thing from us comes out to head to dinner only to find a mostly naked, soaking me standing there. She clearly does not know what to make of this. I asked to go get our head chaperone, a fierce little lady, which she does in a hurry. In what probably three minutes but felt like three hours our chaperone shows up to let me in, reading me the riot act on how I'm embarrassing myself, our group, and by proxy our country. Remember, this was pre-GWBush so I really was embarrassing the US. She let me in and I dressed in a matter of seconds. As we walk in to eat I was met with a round of applause from my groupmates and chaperones.

Rangers Draft Paralyzed Player (Did It Just Get Dusty In Here?)

2011-06-09T12:25:00.000-04:00

The Texas Rangers, reigning AL Champions made us choke up yesterday and not because they were teaching us how to hold a bat or eliminate our team from the playoffs. No, instead they made us get emotional after drafting Jonathon Taylor in the 33rd round of yesterday's amateur baseball draft. This wouldn't be anything special, Taylor is a .320 hitter with a set of wheels, someone who can cash checks of varying amounts by playing baseball, if Taylor wasn't paralyzed. Taylor, or JT as his friends have creatively nicknamed him, was paralyzed on March 6 of this year after an outfield collision with teammate Zach Cone, the 37th pick in this year's draft, also by the Rangers. Taylor is currently paralyzed from the waist down but is showing signs of improvement and I'm sure his spirits received a huge boost once he received word of his being drafted.

Player Wives

2011-06-09T12:00:00.003-04:00

Come on down, Gena Lee Nolin!

When we do the Player Wives posts, one of us emails me to get it all pretty and posted. Usually the subject on the email is something pretty straight forward, the player's name, the wife's name, etc. No, not today, not for this one. This is subject on today's email, spelling and grammar just as it came to me in my GMail: "Who the fuck is cale hulse". Apparently Cale Hulse made his living playing hockey for 15 years. Also, he is nailing this piece of ass:

Sweet Jebus! Sports are amazing. Cale Hulse was a defenseman who I remember only because of NHL 2002 on the PC. He carved a career as a third pairing guy and he gets to sleep with her nightly. Only in the world of professional sports can someone mediocre get a Gena Lee Nolin. Let me know when your best college professor rolls in with a piece of arm candy like that, I know none of mine did.

Quote Of The Day

2011-06-09T10:15:00.001-04:00

Usually for the quote of the day we turn to words that ring through the annals (ha) of history. Not so for today's offering. Last night Charlie Manuel, the manager of the Phillies who perpetually looks like he is about to fall asleep on the bench, professed his love for Cole Hamels. Whether that love was for the pitcher or the man is still unclear. (Note: We got the quote from the Twitter of Philadelphia Inquirer staff writer Matt Gelb. Matt is an absolute must follow if you care about Philadelphia baseball or just good sports writing in general. Find him on Twitter: @magelb)

A Little Midweek Stimulation

2011-06-09T09:00:00.000-04:00

Rise and grind, motherfuckers.

So it's a day late but when you're pulling your ass through the doldrums of the work week does it even matter? Aren't the days just one shit smear from Monday to Friday? I can see you nodding in agreement. So lets do this, a little something to get you motivated enough to ask the cute girl down the hall out for drinks. Or at least sneak an extra few seconds of creepy leering as she walks by. Lessssgoooo.