Andy and Brian's Adoption Journal

Finalization and Our Final Post

2016-09-05T12:51:00.003-07:00

It's been a while since we've posted, so this post is long overdue. Amazingly, life with two kids is much busier than just with one!

Now that it's been 4 months since our last post, Ariel is 4 months old (math!). A lot has changed as Ariel has gotten older, Dominic has gotten used to having a baby sister, and I feel like I've gotten a +5 bonus in multitasking.

Over the past few months, we've been in great contact with Ariel's birth parents and their families. They've been very proactive about staying in contact and we've seen them several times since we brought home from the hospital. While it will be tough to meet as often with Andy and I being back at work and life going back to normal with less time at home, we're definitely going to be keeping in close contact.

On the other side of things, we really hope to be able to see Dominic's birth parents again soon. While we've tried a few times to meet up and give them a chance to see Dominic and to meet Ariel, it's been a challenge to get things lined up. We'll have our fingers crossed that we can get together soon.

Finalization

Family photo at finalization with the judge

Similar to Dominic's adoption, bringing Ariel home from the hospital wasn't the final step. Finalizing Dominic's adoption took place several months after he was placed with us and we brought him home. During those months, the adoption agency had follow up meetings at our house, the counselor wrote up a report, our lawyer also drafted some paper work, and then a court date was finally scheduled.

For Ariel, all of that process took a little over 4 months and we were able to go through finalization just last Tuesday! In effect, this milestone marks the end of the adoption process.

Looking Ahead
While this represents our last post on the blog, the fact that both Dominic and Ariel were adopted through open adoptions means that we will continue to be connected to their birth families for the years to come.

There will also be a lot of fun watching these two grow up together.
She's already giving him judging looks from her car seat during car rides!

After starting our process in late 2011, it's been an eventful 5 years to reach the point where our little family is complete. Thanks to everyone that has read the blog during our journey and provided so much wonderful feedback and support!

Ariel Claire Magee

2016-04-29T22:34:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been an absolute whirlwind. On Wednesday morning shortly after 11 while I was at work, I got a call from Andy that we had been chosen. Luckily, I was working in my main office that morning and was right next to Andy's building. I popped over to his office and we were able to sit together for 'the call' with one of the counselors from OA&FS, Delphine. It was exciting, joyful, and nerve-wracking all at the same time to realize how much our lives could change during that time.

This is what you get when you search for 'exciting phone call at work.
Not totally what I was going for, but it's about on the same level of crazy!

Compared to our previous path to adopt Dominic, this case was a last minute placement. With Dominic, we got 'the call' about 6 months before he was born which left plenty of time for everyone to get to know each other beforehand. For a last minute placement, everything is accelerated. In this case, this compressed our first meeting, getting to know each other, ensuring that everyone is still comfortable with moving forward, setting the framework for the open adoption agreement, having an entrustment ceremony, and then finally departing from the hospital in the span of about 24 hours!

First Meeting
After getting the call, Andy and I rushed to handle logistics to make sure Dominic would have someone to watch him that evening (thanks Uncle Matt!) as well as figuring out what each of us would do with our jobs. Effectively, we went from being active employees one hour with loads of responsibilities to telling management that we were about to be out on leave...immediately. We always knew this would be a possibility over the past 2 years, but it was still a challenge for us to shift gears so quickly!

Once we sorted all of that out in a mere 60 minutes, we drove directly to the hospital to meet the birth parents and little Ariel. While we only first met them on Wednesday afternoon and spent time with them through that day and again on Thursday before we all left the hospital, both Andy and I found ourselves talking again and again about how they are amazing people. They're caring, genuine, and loved by so many people. I feel lucky that they not only chose us to parent Ariel, but that we'll be able to continue a long-term relationship with them as we all see Ariel grow and develop over the days, weeks, and years ahead.

The Choice
One of the key questions many adoptive families have once they're picked is, why us? Not long after we met the birth parents, we got to hear some insights into this. Among these were that we would likely get along well together in the long run, we had similar values and goals for an open adoption, and that Dominic would make a great older brother for Ariel.

Andy and I with Ariel at the hospital

Every birth family has a different reason for choosing an adoptive family, so it's always interesting to hear these sorts of things. One key thing I enjoyed hearing from the birth dad was that he wished he could give a baby to every single adoptive family he looked at. Again, just a really kind and caring example of the type of guy he is.

Wednesday Night and Thursday Morning

Andy holding Ariel on Wednesday night

We had the great chance to stay at the hospital and care for Ariel overnight while the birth parents went home for some much needed rest. Andy stayed there with Ariel. A key difference for this experience compared to when we were preparing to be placed with Dominic was that we already had a child that needed to be taken care of! With some key family and friends out of town or departing town first thing in the morning, I drove back home to relieve Uncle Matt and make sure someone would be home with Dominic. After that, I energetically (hah!) threw together some baby items and attempted to install an infant car seat and then reinstall Dominic's car seat from the middle of the backseat to the side. Being rather exhausted at 11:30pm, that was way harder than it likely would have been otherwise!

In the morning, I took Dominic in to day care. We would have loved to have brought him down to the hospital to meet Ariel's birth family and friends, but caring for him for that long of a time would have taken away the focus from those that really needed it for the day. I know we're all looking forward to having Ariel's older brother meet everyone soon.

Thursday Afternoon
The afternoon was a bit long because Ariel couldn't leave the hospital until she passed a continuous 90-minute test while being restrained in a car seat. We waited to do this until some final members of the birth family stopped by to meet her and us.

During the test, we were all crowded around Ariel. Delphine walked the birth parents, Andy, and I through the entrustment ceremony. All of us were very informal about it, but it was a key event as we talked about our hopes for Ariel and our feelings. It was quite moving.

The decision for a birth parent to entrust their child to someone else is a powerful thing. It is not a decision that is made lightly and it has the ability to affect the lives of everyone involved in a very profound way. During these final hours at the hospital, I wished that I could do something that would free the birth parents from any feelings of anguish and sadness, but there really were no special words or actions that would do so.

Thinking back to Dominic's favorite movie, Inside Out, one of the lessons is that while society always tells us to put on a smile and be happy that it is ok to embrace sadness as well. The ability to feel sad about something means that someone truly cares and may feel a sense of loss. Building on this, Inside Out also shows us that sadness and joy can coexist in transformative moments of our lives. For myself, the entrustment ceremony was exactly one of those moments. Despite the sadness I know we all felt that afternoon, I feel joy knowing that both Andy and I will be the best adoptive parents for baby Ariel that we can be and that we will be able to help her birth parents see her grow and develop.

(Full disclosure: Inside Out is easily one of my favorite movies as well for this and many other great reasons!)

Dominic meeting his baby sister for the first time

Like I noted in a post the night we brought Dominic home, today's goodbye will become tomorrow's hello. Already today, we have been trading texts and photos of Ariel with her birth parents. Compared to past times when closed adoptions were the norm and this would never happen, I am truly happy that we are able to have open adoptions for both of our children.

Approaching the Homestudy Update

2016-04-17T07:57:00.000-07:00

Life is moving along these days and it's already mid-April. Since our last post, we've continued to accrue more adoption waiting pool "experience" on our way to the two year mark. From our earlier post on our adoption experience to date (back in February), the big item on the horizon for us was our homestudy renewal.

Since December, we've been waiting to get a new counselor. Since February, we've learned that our agency was having some challenges getting a new counselor on board. Rather than having a new counselor work with us to do our homestudy renewal, we'll be working directly with a former counselor who is now the regional supervisor for the local office. On one side, it will be nice to work with an experienced counselor. On the other side, knowing that we'll likely have a minimum of 4 counselors over our wait does represent a level of inconsistency in our course through the process.

Now that we know who will be doing our homestudy, we do have a meeting setup with her to do all of our interviews in one go. During that time, she'll get to see our house, conduct one-on-one interviews with Andy and I, and then collect any other info she needs to update our homestudy report. For us, it'll be an opportunity to connect back in to our process and feel like we're doing something active during our wait.

Admittedly, the wait has been getting tougher over the past few weeks. Just recently, there was another urgent screening email which needed a reply in under 90 minutes. After an urgent call between us during a morning at work, we opted to say yes. On my end, I then promptly lost most of my work focus during the day and had my fingers crossed. It was still a long shot, but every little chance we have to be chosen just feels more magnified. Of the 17 families that joined the waiting pool in the 3 months after we entered, only 4 remain. There are still 19 families who have waited longer than we have. Collectively, I know all 20 of us are likely very anxious and ready to be chosen.

When we began the process for our first adoption, one segment during our pre-adoption seminar was all about managing grief. We touched on these in our summary posts, but from our perspective there was very little grief to manage. As a gay couple, we never have had an opportunity to control our process to building a family. That was a basic expectation. We were just thrilled to be at that seminar and take the first step. However, I think that topic is applicable to our status now. Being unable to control our process, our role has been to wait while time ticks by. As that time goes by, Dominic grows older, we grow older, and not much effectively changes for us with respect to an adoption. Just the same as it was when we entered the pool, we could be chosen 5 minutes from now or 5 years from now despite having 22 and a half months go by.

In the meantime, we're focusing on keeping busy. Just today, Dominic had a fun trip to the park to get out and enjoy the nice weather. He's a happy little guy who has changed so much over the past few weeks and months.

His independent, smart, and adventurous spirit helps keep us active and on our toes.

Both Andy and I are training for a half-marathon in May. We've each run races before, but never a half-marathon together. With some luck, we'll both manage to drag each other across the finish line in decent time. While we may have no control over the finish line in our second adoption, the finish line for our race is one we can cross under our own power...and hopefully in under 2 hours!

21 Month Update

2016-03-06T21:37:00.001-08:00

Hello again!

Now is a great time for an update after a busy February. First up, Andy and I had an amazing trip out to Hawaii. Similar to how we took one last big vacation before adopting Dominic, our week Hawaii was a great time to get away, recharge, and enjoy a rare opportunity. Someday, we hope to take Dominic and a future sibling there for a vacation that all of us will enjoy.

Going to Hawaii was also a way to take our minds off of our longer than expected adoption wait. Of course, we even got another screening email towards the end of our trip marking #18. Overall, there was a significant amount of activity for OA&FS in February which resulted in 9(!) separate placements. For an agency that has typically averaged 41 placements a year, this is a huge spike for a short time period and coincides with our jump in recent screening emails.

As we are up to 21 months in the pool, now is a good time for a fresh round of statistics on our waiting pool/wait:

As a final update, we took Dominic on a trip today. We got to visit his birth dad Jason, play at the local children's museum, and then enjoy lunch afterwards. It was great to connect again, and we'll be looking forward to a future visit his birth family!

Adoption Process - What Does Our Experience Look Like?

2016-02-14T08:26:00.001-08:00

Time to check back in after a few busy weeks! Just recently, we have received a big jump in screening calls, work has clicked into a higher gear, and I was also somehow able to make time to meet with some friends in the adoption waiting pool or currently exploring the possibility of adoption.

Just sitting down to talk and think about the process of adoption got me thinking. When we first started our journey, one of the things I found the most interesting and engaging were the stories from adoptive parents. Their direct experiences represented a real connection to what Andy and I were signing ourselves up for.

Our first adoption with Dominic went very quickly. That was great for us, but it also meant that we had a completely different experience compared to our time for this second adoption. In fact, now feels like a great time for a refresher on the overall process to compare the two.

Typical Adoption Process
Looking at the basics, the adoption process after entry into the waiting pool distills down to a few key points for every adoptive family.

Everything starts out with a splash into the waiting pool on Day 1.
At 12 months, adoptive families need to sign a fresh yearly contract with the agency and some other minor paperwork.
Next up is the average wait time for adoptive families at 14 to 15 months.
At 21 months, families still in the pool will approach a decision point and need to update their homestudy to remain in the pool after 24 months. Many families opt to update their materials at this time as well.
At 24 months, families will again sign the yearly contract and redo paperwork.
This process will then repeat in two-year intervals (aside from pool entry) until adoptive families are either selected or leave the pool.

Our Experience
With Dominic, we barely made it into the chart above before we were chosen (just 2.5 months). On this go around, there has been a lot more to document! Building on the base chart, I've overlaid several key elements during our wait:

Current Wait Time - 20 months
Material Updates - 1
Screening Emails/Calls - 17
OA&FS Counselor Changes - 2
Dominic's Birthdays - 2

While our experience isn't done yet, we are rapidly approaching the stage where we will begin a new homestudy. We will hopefully have a new counselor soon who we will team up with for that effort and to help review a refresh of our family letter and book given that a lot can change in a year.

Until then, Andy and I are looking forward to a break away from thinking about adoption and work as we are taking a brief vacation out to Hawaii. We haven't been there since our honeymoon over 5 years ago, so it will be fun to get away for a few days and recharge!

Kicking Off 2016 - OA&FS Holiday Party

2016-01-23T15:07:00.002-08:00

While we're nearly to the end of January, the Seattle office for our adoption agency held the yearly holiday party today. Understanding that the holidays can be crazy busy, it's really helpful that this event is always planned during a quieter time when many of the adoptive families and OA&FS staff can attend.

Face painting + Cookies!

We got to talk to so many great people from OA&FS. It was great to reconnect in person since the last time we saw everyone was in August. Our original counselor, Katie, was there. We also got to chat with Heather, Delphine, Megan, and Maria. Since our most recent counselor, Alissa, has moved on recently, it was very helpful to reconnect in a bit in person while we're in transition.

Dominic especially enjoyed the party. Even though he was a bit shy to start out, he broke out of his shell and got in a few laps running around, loading up on sugar, and having a grand time. He even got his face painted like a gorilla/monkey!

For Andy and I, we enjoyed being able to chat with some of the other adoptive families. Being able to trade war stories and cute updates about our current kids is always a treat. Personally, talking with the OA&FS staff was good for me. It was exciting to hear that our letter was just sent out in collective books to potential birthfamilies just this week. While that doesn't mean anything direct, it's heartening to hear that there are opportunities for birthfamilies considering adoption to get to know us as a potential option for their child!

18 months? Time to put hats on cats.

2015-12-05T18:13:00.002-08:00

Today marks 18 months in the pool. It also marks the day when we're finally getting around to making our yearly holiday cards. While we're a bit behind, that didn't mean I didn't have fun doing it. I drug out an old "elf" outfit from when Dominic was a newborn and tried to work out some photo magic with our cats, Alex and Sybil.

In addition to feeling time pass by as we hit the 18 month mark in the waiting pool, time also seems to be passing by on the work front too. After several years (six!) of being in leadership positions with my company's young professionals group, I have now stepped back to let others take the reins. Moving to an advisor (past president) position definitely has me feeling that my life is transitioning into a new phase. There were a ton of things I will continue to be proud of from my work with the YPG the past few years, but now I'm starting to consider what is next on the horizon. In a way, it's an odd place to be as I'm beginning to shift away from the "young" part of my career while I have always envisioned myself as having kids during that "young" stage of life.

Quite some time ago, I had it set in my mind that an age difference of 2 years was ideal between Dominic and a little brother or sister. As I'm feeling less young and Dominic will now be at least 3 years older than a sibling, managing the wait is getting to be a bit tougher.

Looking back on the past 18 months, now is a good time for a brief set of updates in relation to our experience with round two of our adoption process:

Pool Entry - June 5, 2015
Current Wait - 18 months
Average Wait (Per OA&FS Annual Report) - 15 months

Total Families in the Waiting Pool - 83
Families Waiting Over 18 Months - 32 (39%)
Families Waiting Less than 18 Months - 50 (60%)

Families Entering the Pool After June 5, 2015 - 77
Families Chosen Between June 5, 2015 and Today - 27

Screening Emails Since June 5, 2015 - 12

In general, there won't continue to be any major updates to share for a few months unless if we chosen by a birth family. However, we will have to renew our homestudy and many other items in less than 6 months (late Spring 2016). If time continues to tick by, we will share a post on what that means. (Hint: It's more money, more time, and more paperwork.)

In the meantime, Happy Holidays! I hope you all find some time to enjoy some fun distractions while keeping in the holiday spirit...like dressing up your pets in ridiculous outfits.

The Near Miss

2015-11-18T21:57:00.002-08:00

Whether you're actively waiting in a pool to be picked for an adoption or you know people that are, that means that you have likely found yourself at one point asking/answering the question "Have you heard anything new?"

After being in the waiting pool for over 17 months, our highlights of that period have been limited to responding to the occasional screening email, updating our materials, and getting a new counselor. Effectively, we didn't have any updates that got us any closer to an adoption than we were on Day 1 in the waiting pool. On Monday, we had a case where that changed, albeit briefly. That day, we got a high priority phone call for a screening. In this case, it was for a last minute placement which meant we had to call back with our answer in less than 2 hours.

Just like all other screenings, saying yes to the situation only meant that our profile would be presented. However, the unique situation with receiving a phone call from a counselor about a case where a baby girl had already been born was much more real (in comparison to the typical screening email). Andy and I talked through the situation and said "yes" to being presented.

When I called the counselor back to say "yes," I also learned that a relatively small number of families were being contacted. Being the engineer I am, the situation made it even more of a realistic possibility that we could be selected within hours out of a small group of adoptive families.

After months of waiting, it was tough not to daydream about the possibility of being chosen. I found myself filling out a FMLA form for work, looking forward to spending time with a newly expanded family, and trying to pick out favorite baby girl names off our list despite telling myself that the odds of being chosen were still well under a 50-50 chance. The sheer change in perspective from waiting indefinitely to possibly being chosen in mere hours or minutes was transformative. Unfortunately, it was only temporary.

By the end of Monday, Andy and I had not gotten "the call." We assumed that we were not chosen. Tuesday morning, the counselor that had originally contacted us was very kind to follow up by email. This sort of follow up rarely happens for screenings, and it was helpful for us to have some level of closure to know that another family was chosen.

Moving forward again, this doesn't really change anything. We are still one adoptive family among many others waiting to be chosen to parent a child. However, for a short time, we were able to experience clear optimism, excitement, and hope. These sorts of feelings remind us just how much we've invested into having a second child and how much we still hope for that to someday happen.

OA&FS Annual Report

2015-10-12T15:26:00.000-07:00

Every fall, our adoption agency releases their annual report which gives a great rundown of all the activities over the past year, stories of successful open adoptions, lists of volunteers and contributors, and also a summary of statistics.

If any of you are interested in taking a look, here is where they have it available online.

While I like the background and stories, I've got a mindset that has me skimming to the end to see the numbers. Those numbers hold a lot of interesting pieces of information for us as we're waiting to be chosen. Here are some key data points which compare the most recent fiscal year (July 2014 to June 2015) to the previous year:

Overall, there aren't too many differences of note. The average wait time is 15 months which ticked up slightly. (This is based solely on the adoptive families chosen during each 12 month period.) If Andy and I were chosen today, we would just be slightly above the average as we are over 16 months in.

There are a few other fun numbers in here which can at least partially relate to the numbers from our last post showing statistics on selections from the waiting pool for all families joining after us in the window from June 5, 2014 to June 5, 2015.

Day 457 - Stats of the Pool

2015-09-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Labor Day Weekend everyone! I've been eagerly looking forward to a slightly longer weekend away from work, college football, and the impending availability of pumpkin spice flavoring.

Aside from all of these things, I have also been tinkering with data on the OA&FS waiting pool for the past several weeks. It's been a while since we've had an update on the statistics, so a holiday weekend seems like a great time to put this together and try to come up with some relevant conclusions based on everything we have on hand!

How Has the Waiting Pool Changed Since We Joined?
Back on June 5th of 2014, we joined the waiting pool. After joining the pool, more families entered. Over time, some of those families were selected to by birth families while others like us continued to remain in the pool.

This table shows how families continued to enter the pool after we did. By the end of 2014, 30 adoptive families had entered the pool. As of today, 68 families have entered the pool since we did. Of those 68 families, 23 left the pool and 45 still remain in the pool like us.

Building on the table, this chart provides a clearer visual. The gray bars show the increasing number of families entering the pool over time. Green and blue lines show the split between families leaving the pool and remaining in the pool over time. One interesting thing to note is how the green and blue lines cross. This illustrates how the majority of families entering the pool between June 5th and Dec 31st have already left the pool (green).

Composition of the Waiting Pool
Given that the waiting pool is quite sizable, it is interesting to break it down into more manageable groups. One of the easier metrics to track is orientation.

The chart above shows how the composition of the pool at each of the dates previously used above specific to families entering the waiting pool after we did on June 5, 2014. The immediate takeaways show three interesting facts:

There have been very few lesbian families entering the pool since we entered. While this is odd on the surface, it may just be a coincidence of timing.
The proportion of straight families in the pool has consistently risen over time (7%)
The proportion of gay families has shifted slightly and dropped up to 6%.

Rate of Selection

The data above on orientation is mainly surface level. Digging a step deeper, we have enough information to clearly depict the rate at which each group is being "selected." Here, I am using the term "selected" as these adoptive families may be selected by birth families or leave the pool due to personal circumstances without being chosen.

Tracking the rate of selection, there are two clear trends. One is that straight couples typically accounted for 86-91% of the selected families. The other is that gay couples accounted for the remaining 9-14%.

Why were the lesbian and single rates 0%? Of the 68 families entering the pool after us, only 3 are lesbian/single which lowers the odds of selection and makes it difficult to establish any trends.

Can we make any broader statements on the rate of selection? Based on this data, I would say yes. Above, we established that straight couples were being selected at an 86-91% rate. Meanwhile, the chart on waiting pool composition shows that straight couples routinely account for 65-72% of the waiting pool. This means that straight couples are being selected at a rate higher. Conversely, gay couples are chosen by adoptive couples at a lower rate.

What Does This All Mean?
To date, we can establish that it is likely we will have a longer wait in the adoption pool because we are gay parents. This was something we were told by OA&FS our first time around and it makes sense as some birth families may feel more comfortable choosing what they view as a normal family for their child. While this difference in rate of selection between straight and LGBT families may be narrowing, I think we can say that it still exists.

Also, we can note that our wait time is higher than our immediate peers who joined the pool right after us. Between June 5, 2014 and Sept 5, 2014, a total of 17 families entered the pool. Only 6 of those families now remain (35%).

Looking Ahead
Soon, OA&FS will be releasing their yearly report which reviews the past year spanning from July 2014 to June 2015. We'll be looking forward to seeing if their data aligns with ours and to see if they note any expected trends in wait times, locations of birth families, etc. On the adoption front, we just received the monthly bulletin on Friday highlighting. Over the past month, two families entered adoption planning and three families welcomed new children into their lives. Very exciting to see great news for others as it's a great reminder to us as well that anything can happen at any time.

Day 436 - Life in the Pool

2015-08-15T16:08:00.002-07:00

Today marks the 436th day in the waiting pool for us. Since our last post in July about updating some of our adoption materials, there have been some general items in life that have kept us busy as well as some things that have kept our waiting status at the forefront.

OA&FS Contract

In mid-July, we got a notice that we needed to update our contract with the agency. It was a necessity and a reminder that the paperwork never ends.

Speaking of Paperwork...

On July 7th, we got a notice that we needed to fill out new DSHS forms, have new fingerprints taken for FBI background checks, and also get our doctor checks renewed. While the forms were easy, getting new fingerprints done and doctor checks renewed required setting up specific meetings for each of us. If we don't get picked soon, it's going to start feeling like we're filling out an endless stream of TPS reports!

Screening Emails

I last gave a rundown of these on our One-Year Pool-versary post. At that time, we had received 8 screening emails. Since then, we have received 2 additional screening emails. While we can't share details, I can say that one came in on a workday near 3:30pm and an answer was needed by 5:00pm! The other screening email luckily wasn't quite as urgent. In the end, we opted to have our profile presented to one out of the two. I'll admit that I did get my hopes up on the one we said yes to as I'm getting more and more anxious as time goes on.

Work

In mid-July, I got thrust into a new role at work that has me doing far more management and coordination tasks on a high profile project rather than being in a position to do the design work. It's been rather hectic representing an entire design team on a design-build project for a local light rail job, but I am managing to learn a fair amount. Even with the opportunity to develop and learn, I'll be happy when the construction on this project begins to ramp down and I can take on a role with reduced responsibility and stress.

Vacation

On the plus side, we did get in a brief family vacation to start out this month. For the first time since Dominic was a couple of months old, we took a real road trip!

It was exciting to get beyond our local area and go down to the Oregon coast to see someplace new. Dominic loved playing with seagulls on the beach and visiting a number of state parks on the drives.

He also got a memorable experience from a t-rex at a store in Lincoln City which both enthralled him and scared the crap out of him. It was one that was setup with a motion sensor and would roar and move its head up and down anytime someone entered or left the store. Just getting this photo took a lot of convincing!

We also stopped at the Tillamook Factory and had some fantastic cheese! Dominic tried several cheeses, had his own grilled cheese sandwich, and we picked up a nice mug with a cow on it to bring home.

I'll admit it was a nice bonus that I got to stuff my own face with cheese too :)

OA&FS Picnic

Earlier today, we went to our agency's yearly picnic. It was a nice event to bring together families and local OA&FS staff. There was also a face painter and about 10-15 bunnies to pet and cuddle with which Dominic really enjoyed. While I didn't get nearly as much time as I would have liked to chat with the other families, it was still a good experience to see so many people together.

New Materials!

2015-07-02T20:52:00.002-07:00

Today is like going shopping for that new outfit and bringing it home. Except shopping for that new outfit took nearly 3 months, you tried on 30 different things, went to 1 store, then found out someone thought everything in that store looked horrible on you, went to 3 new stores hundreds of miles apart, and eventually got your snazzy new outfit, took it home, and waited a week before posting selfies online. In case that was a bit vague, our online OA&FS profile has been updated!

Now what does it mean that our profile has been updated? Really, we revised our entire library of materials that potential birthfamilies see when they are looking at adoptive families in the waiting pool. It may not be a big deal, but it's really the biggest thing we've done since entering the waiting pool.

Item #1 - Family Introduction Letter
The Family Introduction Letter is the core of any adoptive family's profile with OA&FS. It is your 2-minute elevator speech. (It's a long elevator ride) In one page, you get to introduce who you are, what your jobs are, where you live, who is in your family, your likes and dislikes, and your hopes with regards to an open adoption.

Ours hasn't changed significantly since last time, but it's a document that we still put a lot of thought into as it needs to be focused, informative, and yet personable. Remember, we're engineers and communication is hard. To get around that, I cheat the system. For example, this morning I took donuts in to work just to remind people that I am awesome and they should like me. Sadly, there isn't a similar parallel to speed up getting picked by a birthfamily...but I'd do countless trips of Top Pot if that was different!

Anyway..... when you look at our updated online profile page, this is all of the text that shows up. OA&FS offices also now have hardcopies (hundreds) of our letter as well that is slightly different with images we built into the layout. While we still need to work with OA&FS IT staff to make sure the bullets display properly in the online version, all of the content is now in place.

Item #2 - Photos
Admit it, when you look at anyone on anything like Facebook, the first thing you look at is their profile photo. These photos are critical in projecting an image of who you are as an individual or as a family. We have 2 photos in our Family Introduction Letter and 4 photos that can be viewed in our online profile page. It's tough to choose the best photos that represent your family amongst the thousands that you can have on hand these days. Luckily, we had it easy because even after going through all of our hundreds of photos, we still picked 3 of our 4 photos from the work of our favorite photographer :)

Item #3 - Family Book
This was the toughest task for us to finish. Technically we could have reused much of our old family book and just updated a few photos to show the passage of time now that Dominic is well over 2 years old. Instead, I got overambitious and wanted the "fancy" outfit.

On the right side of our OA&FS profile page, there is a link to view our "Personalized Book". While it displays and was printed in hardcopy through Shutterfly, we built the entire book outside of that website to provide a clean, visually impactful, and cohesive identity. In short, I've spent way too much time with marketers at work.

I'm really proud of this though since it is completely unique from any other family book I've seen in the adoption pool and may even be more memorable.

While we want a birthfamily to choose us because they like us, it doesn't hurt to have a little professional touch that makes it easier for them to read our family book and get to know us!

With all of this up, now what? Well, we keep on waiting! (Just keep waiting, just keep waiting, waiting, waiting waiting) At some point we'll make it over to P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney, but it may be a longer wait/swim until we get there.

We're nearly 13 months into the waiting pool (as of July 5th), so that means my optimistic prediction of being chosen after 13 months and adopting a baby girl will be the next prediction that passes by. However, that means Angie is up next! She guessed a wait of 14 months and a baby boy. Angie, I'll have my fingers crossed that you're right. If not, you might owe us donuts :)

Day 387 - A New Milestone, Culture Shifts and Celebration

2015-06-27T15:43:00.001-07:00

This weekend marks many good things for us. First, the major news on the Supreme Court ruling is one that we cannot simply pass by. While those of us in the State of Washington have been able to marry for many years now (since Dominic was a mere 3 weeks old), the hard work and sacrifices of many dedicated people have brought equality to the US. Not too long ago, it would have been unthinkable for Andy and I to be adopting children and expanding our family. Today, families like ours are rapidly becoming...normal. Even though that makes life a little less exciting, it's a great step forward.

This ruling also coincides well with Pride weekend here in Seattle. While we didn't spray paint Dominic's short-lived mohawk into a rainbow (we're terrible parents!), it is great to realize that Dominic will be growing up in a world where Pride will an occasion of celebration and fun rather than a struggle for basic human rights and recognition.

Now, on to the lighter stuff as this is a blog all about our adoption! Today marks Day 387 in the waiting pool. It also marks the day where we've submitted updates for all of our outward facing adoption materials!

Sneak Preview - Pg 1 of our New Family Book

Back in April, we began the semi-herculean effort to update our family book, letter, and online photos from scratch. Technically, we could just throw some things together and call it good. However, I'm an OCD engineer and I nit pick on every single detail, sentence, layout, and photo.

As part of our process, we've had one photo shoot with our amazing friendtographer Amy, dug through literally thousands of other photos from the past few years, and then written and rewritten content over countless evenings, nights, bus rides, plane flights, and random musings in the shower. (You know those times when you shake yourself out of your thoughts and realize you've been standing there in the shower doing nothing for 15 minutes?) Suffice it to say, this is a big milestone and I'm thrilled to be at this point.

Pretty soon, we'll have a new update to post once OA&FS makes the content update to the website official. Not quite the same as an announcement of being chosen, but it's still a pretty cool accomplishment given that I'm really digging our new formatting!

Managing "The Wait" - 1 Year

2015-06-05T06:52:00.002-07:00

As of today, we have been waiting in the pool for a full year (our waiting pool-versary?). In essence, we've spent a lot of time with Ginger.

Ginger, our "waiting" pool giraffe

Given that it's been such a long time (for us), Andy and I have adapted to manage the wait differently. I think we have both been busy with Dominic, with work, family, friends, and various projects. On top of all of that, it's hard to dwell too much on the wait for a 2nd child.

For me personally, I've been starting to get more and more anxious as we've neared this milestone. Dominic is now over 2 1/2 years old and we have started the process of updating all of our adoption materials because life changes quite a bit in a year. Also, if we are still waiting at this time next year, we will likely be updating all of our adoption materials again and redo-ing our homestudy.

Looking back at our post reviewing everyone's predictions on gender and when we would get picked, I think it's been proven that we have a lot of optimistic family and friends. Out of 10 guesses, only 3 estimate the wait at longer than 1 year. At present, my prediction of 13 months is currently on deck and will quickly be followed by Angie and Andy's guesses. Everyone else....stay away from Vegas :)

From talking to our new counselor (Alissa), the average wait may have shifted down closer to 16 months, but there are still a large number of families waiting to be chosen. As of today, we are one of 90 families in the pool.

Speaking of the pool, the OA&FS website lists families in the order they joined the waiting pool with the families waiting the longest showing up first. When we joined the pool a year ago today, we were the last family on the list. Today, we are 51st on the list out of the 90 families. As of today, 50 families have been waiting longer than 12 months and another 39 families have been waiting less 12 months. (There have also likely been several families that joined the pool after us and have already been selected which would influence these final numbers.)

While we haven't been picked yet, we have had a recent uptick in screening emails which has kept things interesting. After 2 early screening emails last summer, we didn't have another until January. In total since we joined the pool, we have now had 8 screening emails.

Looking ahead, what's next for us? Well, we still need to finalize our family book updates to reflect fresh pictures of Dominic, ourselves, and a slightly revamped presentation of our book. I'm definitely more inclined to tinker than Andy is (sorry Andy!), but this is definitely one way I'm managing the wait and feeling like I'm still managing some level of control in the process.

Thanks to everyone that has been so supportive over the last 12 months. As we move forward, we'll have our fingers crossed that someday soon we'll have good news to share with all of you!

OA&FS Annual Report

2014-10-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

So a couple weeks ago, our adoption agency sent out their annual report. Being the numbers geeks that we are, Brian and I pored over all the updated statistics they sent. Nothing major has changed, but I thought it was a good opportunity to talk about what some of these items mean for us.

The updated average number of placements per year is now 41. (I'm not sure how far back that average goes, or if it just means there were 41 placements last year.) At the time I'm writing this, there are 97 families waiting in the pool. You don't need complicated math to see that there are a lot more folks waiting for placements than there are placements happening! At the same time, those numbers are fairly consistent with what they've been over the past few years, so there's not much of a surprise there.

At the same time, the average wait time between entering the pool and placement is down slightly to 14 months. So at least that metric's moving in a good direction! There seems to be a bit of a fluctuation with this one over the past few years, though. When we first starting working with OA&FS a few years ago, it was 10 to 12 months; it increased a lot the following year, and now it's back down again. It'll be interesting to see how this continues to change.

I was surprised to see that 23% of placements are last minute, meaning that adoption planning begins at or after birth. By comparison, a few years ago this number was at 7%. When we adopted Dominic, we had the benefit of about seven weeks' notice to get everything ready. But while we've always known it's a possibility that our next placement might have less time for preparation, this drives home how common it's becoming!

It was nice to see this report and get a chance to mull over some numbers, since that's how Brian and I tend to process a lot of this. We've been waiting for about four months now, and while that's a lot less time (so far) than most people wait, it's already almost double what we waiting before Dominic arrived! Who knows when a placement will happen, but I'm enjoying finding ways like this to stay engaged with the waiting process.

Day 101

2014-09-13T14:20:00.000-07:00

Time for another check in on the blog! Continuing the trend I've been on in previous posts by tracking the total days in the pool, I'm actually enjoying being a dork and tracking our wait in measurable numbers. Seeing the numbers add up make me feel a little validated. The way my mind works, when I undertake something big, I like to see continual progress rather than listless stagnation.

Of course, my mind knows that each day that passes also brings us closer to having two kids in the house. At times, parenting one child is a handful! Parenting two will be daunting at times. I still remember when Dominic first came home with us and we became hermits for a few months. With some luck, this won't happen to us after our second placement:

As another way of passing the time which both makes the possibility of a second child both more real and front-of-mind is that we're continuing to educate Dominic about how he will be a big brother some day. He still doesn't understand the concept quite yet, but he is now frequently pointing out babies when he sees them out in public. He also happily points out every "bus" too, but we're making progress!

Waiting Pool Stat Update

We were out of town for an awesome wedding at the start of the month and missed the usual waiting pool stat update. Pending a more involved update in the future, here are a couple of highlights for the moment:

Total Families - 96 (100 in Aug)
14 new families in the pool since we entered on June 5th (14.5% of the total pool)

79 Days - Entering New Territory!

2014-08-22T06:41:00.002-07:00

Today, August 22nd, marks a special occasion for our time in the waiting pool. Our first time around in the waiting pool lasted a shockingly short 2 1/2 months -- or more precisely, 79 days. We still feel very lucky to have been picked by such a wonderful birthmother so quickly and to now have such a great little boy in our family.

This time around, we're gearing ourselves up for what matches up to a more "typical" stay in the waiting pool. That effort to develop a mindset of moderately optimistic realism is validated today as we have now officially been waiting 79 days.

Looking ahead, this means that we actually have to be proactive about mentally managing our wait in the pool. One thing we have on our side is Dominic's endless supply of energy! He's always moving, excited to explore new things, and read new books which certainly keeps us busy as well!

Leaning against a tree at the park

Occupying 3rd base

Taking a break with Papa on a walk

In addition to all of our regular activities with Dominic, we recently got in a visit with Dominic's birth mother, Carly. We all had a great time hanging out together playing at a combo playground-sprayground. Dominic loved the water, play structures....and the mulch. To recharge after all that playing, we all made an impromptu (and tasty) stop by a Dairy Queen for blizzards. I'm really glad that Dominic enjoys seeing Carly and that we all have fun during these trips. It is even better now that Dominic is eagerly saying names these days and can easily say "Carly" before he runs and gives her a hug.

Dominic showing his birthmom Carly how to play with mulch!

For us as the adoptive parents, we have the regular need that typical parents have for personal time on top of the background need to manage our wait in the pool. Besides taking care of Dominic, life at work, and things around the house, we're really trying to focus on things that keep us active and happy.

Andy recently gave me the thumbs up to go get a kayak. It's something I've talked about doing for years and finally did! So far, I've been out on the water twice, and it's amazing. The ability to be out in the kayak free from responsibilities and meeting the needs of others is refreshing. It also makes for a good workout too!

The view from my kayak on Lake Washington

So... we're now 79 days in with potentially many more to go? Who knows! We won't know how many days are left until we get the call. It could be today or it could be a ways down the road.

Just for fun, the earliest prediction from our prediction post was November 12, 2014 (Elise). While today is #79 in the pool, Nov 12th is day #161. Strange to realize that we're only at the halfway point to the earliest prediction!

A lot can happen in life over 79 days. With our next semi-milestone in 82 days, there will likely be plenty more things that mark the passage of time. While I know I will still continue to keep one eye on the waiting pool and our ever increasing time in the pool, we already have a wedding to celebrate, Halloween outfits to prep, and a 2nd birthday to plan for. Whether we're consciously trying to make it happen or not, our life is helping us manage the wait.

Managing the Wait + August Stats

2014-07-31T21:18:00.002-07:00

When you're expecting to wait days, weeks, months, or even years for a single call, how tough is it to manage the wait? For us, we have already waited 56 days. Two months have gone by pretty fast, and it's strange to realize that over 50 days have gone by already. Of course, there are occasional reminders that bring the wait to the forefront with thoughts like:

"I don't want to go to work today... it would be awesome if we got the call!"

Some of the thoughts like this are silly and make me smile. Other times I catch myself dwelling on it more than I should. Especially because dwelling on it won't change anything. Time is starting to add up for us, but we have still waited a relatively short time. Managing the wait is a huge topic for adoptive families. It's one that our agency really focuses on as for many families, it can be tough to wait day after day for any sort of news about being selected. Eventually, most families are picked. It just takes time.

August Statistics
It's been relatively quiet in the pool. The total number of families is the same and only 2 new families entered the waiting pool with 3 leaving and 1 returning.

Since we entered the waiting pool on June 5th, 9 other families have joined.

Looking back from today to January, 32 families have entered the pool since the start of the year and none of them have left the pool. In total, that's a minimum wait of 7 months. While this doesn't mean we're automatically going to wait 7 months, it does provide some perspective as to how we should be managing our wait.

25 Days & Counting

2014-06-30T20:54:00.001-07:00

Ok, we're technically not counting, but it makes for a good title!

Amazingly, it has only been 25 days since we entered the waiting pool. June has been a really busy month for us, so it's seemed like we've been in the pool much longer. We aren't getting anxious, but it was a good reality check when I added up the days!

One question we've gotten a few times has been if we've had any screening calls. Andy may post more on this later, but we have gotten 1 screening call so far. It was a fun surprise when we got it the day after entering the pool! I remember last time around when each screening call (really it's a screening email) would give us an immediate adrenaline rush, cause us to drop everything, run around in circles, and do some research. This time around, I felt like a pro since we took our time and then gave our answer. We can both already tell that this will be a more relaxed time in the pool as we have bigger fish to fry between work, taking care of Dominic, and our large array of other activities.

Is anything else new? Of course! We never really sit still. The blog has been pretty active. Earlier this month we posted a prediction pool on some fun baby possibilities and then put up a summary post over the weekend. Earlier tonight, I posted the latest Waiting Pool stats which show that the waiting pool is up to 100 families for the first time this year.

Since we have plenty of time left to go until we're picked (November at the earliest by the predictions), we'll have lots of other fun posts to put up and things to share. If you have any requests or topics to suggest, feel free to post them in the comments!

Waiting Pool Stats - July

2014-06-30T20:45:00.001-07:00

After 6 months of posting statistics on the waiting pool, we are now officially a part of those statistics! These graphs will take on a little extra meaning now for us.

Total Families in the Waiting Pool

Since I just put together a more substantial post here, this entry will just be about the basic nuts and bolts of the numbers. As shown below, there is a clear upward trend in the number of families that are in the waiting pool. For the first time this year, the number of waiting families has hit the 100 mark.

Compared to June, there was a net gain of 2 families. However that only tells part of the story. In total, 8 new families joined the pool while 6 families left the pool.

Next up, our ongoing stats by orientation. Even with 6 families leaving the pool and 8 new families joining, there were was minimal change with each group changing between 0 and 2 families total.

Prediction Roundup

2014-06-29T14:37:00.003-07:00

It's been a couple of weeks since our last post asking for predictions and we had quite a few predictions come in. Just for fun, we put together a little chart that summarizes all of the guesses!

The top entry for "Average Wait" represents the low end of the average wait time for our agency. We don't have up-to-date numbers, but this is likely 18-24 months. Compared to this, everyone is very optimistic for us, so we appreciate your happy thoughts! :)

Baby Predictions!

2014-06-14T09:21:00.000-07:00

We've officially been in the pool for over a week now! It's been a great week as there hasn't been any adoption homework or need to obsessively keep tabs on our pool entry process. I know eventually that I will get anxious about a placement, but for now it's really nice just to settle in and to wait for things to happen.

While we're settling in, it's time to repeat something we did for our first adoption! We put up a prediction thread letting everyone guess some basic things about our placement. There was even one guess that got Dominic's exact birth month and year right!

Last time around, it was really fun with tons of predictions, so we're going to do it again here! Just leave a comment here on the blog with your guesses for each of the entries below. Whoever gets the closest wins a massive Super Deluxe Luxurious Grand Prize*!

Prediction Categories

Placement Time: Month and year
Gender: Boy or Girl
Birthfamily's Location: Washington, Oregon, Other, or a state/region of your choice

*Super Deluxe Luxurious Grand Prize may include a mention on the blog and a contractual obligation to provide 18 full years of babysitting. Thanks in advance! :)

Waiting Pool Entry!

2014-06-05T18:41:00.000-07:00

Andy and I are officially in the waiting pool as of today! This means that we are essentially "pregnant" but with an unknown due date. With OA&FS (our agency), an adoptive family can be selected at any time once they are in the waiting pool. There is not a set amount of time to wait until we have a placement.

So on average, what is our expected wait time? In our last post about waiting pool stats, I noted that there were 98 families in the waiting pool at the start of June. Our agency has about 35-45 placements each year. Assuming 45 placements per year, it would take over 2 years for every family in the waiting pool to get selected. For us, we're assuming an average wait time would be about 1.5 to 2 years.

This means we likely have plenty of time to splash around in the waiting pool. A couple of years ago, we splashed around with Charley, the happy adoption waiting pool whale. This time around, I think we'll hang out with Ginger, the glamorous waiting pool giraffe. Considering that this time around, we'll likely be waiting much longer, I've upgraded us to have a slide and a fountain! (It's entirely possible I might have to buy us one of these now that I've found it online...)

Ginger, our waiting pool giraffe

Waiting Pool - June Stats

2014-06-02T06:45:00.003-07:00

While we're waiting to get word that we've entered the waiting pool, it's time for a fresh round of statistics on our adoption agency's waiting pool. This post holds extra meaning as it essentially represents the baseline for when we enter the pool!

First up is our ongoing chart that tracks the total number of families in the waiting pool. Ever since the start of 2014 in January, the waiting pool has expanded in size from 89 families to 98. If we count our family as #99, that makes for an increase of about 10%.

For every family in the waiting pool to be selected for placement, it would take about 2 years and 73 days. This assumes an average of 45 placements per year and that no new families join the waiting pool. (Unrealistic on that last one, but it provides some perspective.)

Next up is families by orientation. All groups of adoptive families have held mostly steady since January. The biggest increase taking place in Straight and Single-parent families.

The last chart is one that I first created in April. It shows the waiting pool breakdown between adoptive families that have children already and those that do not. Aside from being a gay family, we feel that this is one of the other big categories that a potential birthfamily would use to sift through the waiting pool which is relevant to us.

Since April, a total of 6 families were selected or left the waiting pool. Of these 6 families, 5 did not have children and 1 family did. This doesn't provide enough data for any conclusions, but the rate of selection for adoptive families with children comes out at 1/6 or 17%. In April, the percentage of families in the waiting pool with kids was 18%.

So, what does all of this mean? It means that I'm a total dork. No more, no less. I just like to track stats, and it helps me make sense of a process that is completely beyond my control. Also, it will give me something to do in the upcoming months of waiting for a little baby boy or baby girl to join our family!

Approaching Splash Zone

2014-05-28T18:17:00.000-07:00

After months of preparations, we're nearly in the waiting pool! In total, we have provided all of our materials to the agency and checked off every box on our list as of Thursday last week. The only thing left is for OA&FS to handle the internal paperwork before we're in the waiting pool. I have my fingers crossed that this will happen by the end of May (this week), but it could potentially be further out than that.

How could it take so long to process our paperwork after months and months of prep? If you're asking that (hi mom!), you're probably not alone. I have that thought crop up from time to time, but then I remember what the agency's priorities are. Getting families into the waiting pool is very important to them. However, many of their staff and counselors need to drop what they're working on when placements happen. Speaking from past experience, when we went through Dominic's placement, that was the time that it mattered most to have support from the agency! The engineer in me wants a hard and fast deadline for pool entry, but I keep telling myself that it'll happen when it happens.

A freakin turret!

In the meantime, May has mostly been a month filled with various projects and the relief of not having adoption "homework" hanging over my head most nights after work. We have made a lot of fun trips to the park with Dominic now that the weather is getting nicer. I've been training with actual consistency for a half-marathon next month, and we have also been working on Dominic's new bedroom! Eventually, Dominic will move to the bedroom next to his and his room will switch over to the baby room. (We might have decided it was easier to redo an entire bedroom for him rather than take apart the crib.) One of things we did for that new bedroom was to make an IKEA run to get some shelves and bins for the closet. While we were there, we bought lots of frivolous things that seemed like fun: a mini-chair and table set for Dominic, lingonberries for me, and a turret. Yeah, that's right. We bought a freakin turret! Best $20 we ever spent.

For now, no other notable updates on the adoption front. We're still at a similar point to last time, but I need to drive this story into the ground like I'm a one-man-CNN. BREAKING NEWS - ALMOST NOTHING NEW HAS HAPPENED! But seriously, something is about to happen. When? Who knows. I'm tempted to speculate on it....but I won't. You will all just have to look forward to our next post :)