Getting It Right...Occasionally

One Day at a Time

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Sat, 08 Sep 2018 03:29:00 +0000

I was going to write this post on my actual Writing By Gloria website but after reviewing said website, I made the decision to cancel the entire thing and build a new one somewhere other than Weebly.

I would like to say I will make this short and sweet but that isn't possible so if you aren't able to read to the end, please don't even start...it may not make sense if you stop in the middle.

There are several elementary facts you should know before I get started:

I love Kalisha with every fiber of my being. We have been nearly inseparable for 34+ years.

Many people have told me, "Oh I know just what you're experiencing. I was sad when my kids moved out, too. That's empty nest syndrome."

To which I want to respond...Bullshit!! This is not the same thing. I have 4 other adult children. They all moved out for one reason or another; one to get married, one to go to college, one to start an apprenticeship and one just because she was tired of living at home. I am not insinuating I am the ONLY parent who has ever felt this way but it isn't quite the same as an adult child simply needing to move on with their life. This is concern, fear, apprehension, sadness, worry, loneliness and the realization that no matter how much I believed I prepared her for almost all life-skill circumstances...I did not!

Kalisha was scheduled to move into a large house with 4 apartments...3 of which would be for 3 young women (friends of hers) and 1 for the Steward or On-Site Adult. This is CASS housing and I am not going to explain any further. If you want to know more about this innovative living concept, please visit their website: www.casshousing.org The target date for the first house to be completed was Dec. 2018, approximately. Kalisha had originally thought she would be moved into it in June of 2018. THAT DATE WAS STUCK IN HER HEAD. When some unfortunate and unforeseen delays occurred, she still wanted to move by June, 2018. She researched apartments she could afford, Dwight and I took her to look at them and she chose one about 6 miles from downtown Ft. Wayne.

We discussed the pros and cons about a million times. Finally, it was decided to allow her to move into the 1-bedroom apartment. It was near a bus line and would give her the experience of living on her own before she finally would be able to move into the CASS house and it was one she could afford...barely.

In retrospect, it probably was not the wisest decision. We still believed she would only be there 6-7 months and it would all be "swell." The reality is the first CASS home was being built for 3 young men and the next house built would be the large apartment house. (I would insert a string of swear words here but this is a website that might kick me off, so I will just say, I was devastated.) I spent several weeks being more angry and depressed than I could even imagine. However, with the help of Dwight and many prayers, I gained a bit of equilibrium again.

That is the background leading up to Kalisha's move. It was totally her idea...Dwight and I did not kick her out, we did not want her to move so we could move to Florida, we did not ask her to leave. These are all ideas I have been asked about but none of them are true. Kalisha could live with us until we die but therein lies the problem. We ARE going to die and most likely, before she does. Then what??? Wouldn't it be better for her to be able to function on her own rather than be hit by a double whammy...me dying AND now living alone? She does have good social skills for which I am grateful. Society isn't very forgiving of bad social behaviors.

I realize this has been rather negative so far but there have been humorous times and fun times and many, many learning times.

As I said earlier, I thought I did a fairly good job of teaching life skills, and I did, up to a point but there are many things it never occurred to me to teach her. Setting a thermostat...she called one morning and said, "I got cold during the night so I turned my AC up to 95." Yikes!

Turning the AC up that much won't hurt a thing...it just won't run, but if she had turned her heat up that high, her electric bill might have been astronomical. I never, ever thought about showing her how to set a thermostat. (Unless your child is in a new luxury apt, they will undoubtedly have manually set thermostats)

She never had to look at expiration dates on food or even consider if something was spoiled. I always did that. I helped her put groceries away and while adding something to her refrigerator, I came across several 'unidentifiable' items. Some were identifiable but still rotten...a slimy bag of lettuce, moldy strawberries, blueberries dried up to hard BBs, and some leftovers that went in the trash, container and all.

Although she knew how to do her laundry, this was a new experience. She had to add money on to a card which was then used in the machines. Much easier than messing with coins. But...the washer instructions said only 1/8 cup of detergent...no pods. That isn't much and Kalisha has some trouble pouring anyway, especially out of a large jug of detergent. I found a solution and it has worked well.

She can vacuum but has difficulty winding the cord up when she's finished. (Not really a big deal, just something else I didn't teach her)

Scrubbing a toilet is kind of a half-a__ ed endeavor (pardon the pun) but it is getting better.

We did work on changing bed sheets but she still struggles with this task and would rather just skip it but knows she can't.

Plucking eyebrows, trimming toenails and fingernails is not something she can physically do and never will be able to do. My original thought was to have her brows waxed and nails done once a month but her budget is so tight that she can't afford that. We're still working on a solution. (When I'm here, I do it for her but remember...we're acting like I'm not here because some day, I won't be.)

A big thing is loneliness. She has her cat, Tabby, but it broke my heart when she said, "I don't like to eat by myself, Mom." When she moves into the CASS house, I don't believe she will be lonely because even though she will be in her own apartment, she can walk across the hall and visit a friend.

She occasionally gets tears in her eyes when we're on the phone and says, "I miss you so much, Mom. You're my best friend and I love you." Then I want to cry and say, "Just come back home, Kalisha. It will be all right."

But I know I can't, for you see, it would be moving backward, not forward.

She 'face times' me every morning at 9 and every evening at 9. We don't chat long but she can see me and we tell each other good night and I love you.

Transportation is always a problem. The busses don't run on Sundays and stop at 5:30 on Saturdays. Getting to and from church when we aren't here is an ongoing problem.

For a short time, her neighbor lady was being very mean..verbally and all I could think was, 'Here we go again.' But the situation seems to have resolved itself (God was working it out) and they are friends again.

She loves FaceBook and uses it daily. Occasionally, she posts her feelings about missing me. I ask her to delete those posts. Having everyone commiserate with her is not solving the problem and actually exacerbates it.

She has some friends who will send her a note or card once in a while. Usually her mailbox is empty. I know most people's mailbox is empty but it makes her loneliness seem worse. I worry she will pitch important mail with the ads she gets. She is an ardent recycler like she was taught. Every time I see her, she has a bag of recycling for me. (The apt. complex doesn't provide recycling bins)

Some more positives: she has no problem calling the office if something isn't working properly. They are prompt in fixing things.

She cleans the litter box every night before she goes to bed which is a good thing.

She fixes her own meals and washes her dishes. The microwave is her best friend.

Her bills have all been put on auto-pay so she can't forget to pay them.

Her few medications are sent in the mail in individual packets for AM and PM.

She is learning new things every day and has conquered many obstacles.

Some facts: Kalisha does have a waiver which means she gets so many hours of service each month. Her provider is Bethesda Communities and I love them. She also has a BC (Behavior Consultant) who should have angel wings...truthfully. She has been with Kalisha for 8 years and is a good friend. She can persuade her to do or not do something when I have exhausted all my efforts.

She has a very limited amount of hours for her staff to help her with things. She would get more when I turn 80, die or go to prison. Orange is not my favorite color and I have no say in the date of my demise and it's quite a few years before I'm eighty so.....it is what it is.

She volunteers on Tuesdays at a preschool and meets with a group of friends on Fridays. Instead of her needing me to take her somewhere or do something for her every day, we have set ONE day a week for the two of us to spend together. The entire day. We go places or stay home. We usually go to McDs for lunch...her favorite place and run errands, shop for groceries, or just talk.

She is part of a Small Group from church which meets once a month.

As you can see, she doesn't just set at home and pine away. Dwight and I take her with us many times. I'm sure she is better off than many individuals but she is still missing me and vice versa.

Truthfully, this experience has affected me mentally, emotionally and physically. I've been alternately depressed, whiny or just fine. I've gained 10 pounds, I've stopped going some places I enjoyed. If it wasn't for the support of Dwight, I might be a basket case. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done, including getting a divorce after 38 years of marriage.

The ultimate test is coming soon. Dwight and I are going to FL for Oct, Nov and Dec. Kalisha is flying down to be with us for the month of Dec and Christmas. We will still FaceTime twice a day but we won't physically be together for 2 months.

I'm sure you are asking about her siblings and her father. None of her siblings live close except one (she does take Kalisha out to eat sometimes but she's still working every day and has a family too.) Kalisha is not her responsibility and her father has some health problems and is rarely available for her.

You may also ask why we don't help with her finances. What would that teach her? Nothing. She has a problem with spending money she doesn't have sometimes so paying things for her doesn't help in the long run. (Yes of course, we take her out to eat but sometimes she must pay for her own meal.)

All in all, it has been a positive experience for all of us. It is getting better each day. Do I still get upset with her and yell sometimes? Of course I do. We are both pretty obstinate and bull-headed. Those traits are good especially now, but we definitely butt heads many times.

I hope this has not been a 'downer' for you to read. I promised truthfulness and I gave it to you. I believe with all my heart that she is growing in many areas and God is walking beside us every step of the way.

I have a favor to ask: please don't feel sorry for either one of us and please don't tell me what a wonderful mother I am because I assure you, there are times I am not. Just keep us in your prayers. We are continuing to put one foot in front of the other every day.

Thanks for reading this long epistle. You are great!

Getting It Right...Occasionally: The Snow Globe Saga

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Wed, 02 Aug 2017 21:38:00 +0000

Getting It Right...Occasionally: The Snow Globe Saga: I promised I would try to entertain you with the tale of the 'Christmas in July' Snow Globe giveaway...so here you have it. On Jul...

The Snow Globe Saga

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Wed, 02 Aug 2017 21:37:00 +0000

I promised I would try to entertain you with the tale of the 'Christmas in July' Snow Globe giveaway...so here you have it.
On July 21st, Parkview Field had a giveaway for the first 2000 people in the gates. Kalisha was scheduled to work that evening but called in to say she could not. She asked a friend who was going to attend the game to get a snow globe for her. She offered to trade a certain movie that she had (worth $20) for the globe.

Everything was going well until the friend called to say she arrived late and there were no more snow globes. Oh my...Kalisha was now on a mission to find a globe. If you know Kalisha at all, you know it can be a daunting thing when she becomes obsessed about something.
She called everyone she knew who might possibly have attended that game...with no luck.
She sent texts, emails and Facebook messages, all to no avail. She could think of nothing else and therefore, neither could any of us who live with her think of anything else.
We attended a free concert at a local outdoor mall. She went to the restroom and ran into a woman she had not seen for several years. She asked the inevitable question: was she at the game a week ago? No, she wasn't but she knew a person who was in management at Parkview Field and she was willing to call her to see if there was a way for Kalisha to get one.
We also saw my cousin, his wife and their daughter and granddaughter. Kalisha lasered in on their bracelets that indicated they had been at Parkview Field. "Did you get snow globes?"
Them: "Yes, we did."
K: "Can I have one?"
Them: "No. but I work at Parkview Hospital and I will check to see if there is a way to get one for you."
K: "How soon will you do that?"
Them: "When I get back to work on Monday."
K: "You promise you'll call me on Monday and let me know?"
In the meantime, she has put a post on FB pleading with someone to let her buy the snow globe.
I told her to check e-bay. No luck. She called the VP of Operations at Parkview Field (he knows her and was kind but said they were all gone and were not for employees anyway.)
It is now 2 weeks later and she doesn't have the snow globe, despite posting every other day and asking every person she knows who attends games (she knows a LOT of people). The obsession is not waning but possibly intensifying because now it has become a Super-Obsession. HAVE TO HAVE IT
When she worked last evening, she asked some fans she knew as they came past her (she hands out programs) if they wanted to sell a snow globe.
While browsing through all the FB pictures of Tincaps' fans on the night of the giveaway, on the team's FB page, she ran across a picture of a woman with her globe on the table in front of her. Kalisha contacted her on FB and offered $20 for the globe. She met her this morning...

SUCCESS

I realize I enable her and I really try to stop but after a while, it becomes a form of self-defense. I might even be known to pray about her finding one so I don't have to listen to the daily barrage of ideas about how to get one. She is tenacious...I'll give her that.

It is actually pretty cute but I guarantee it will remain in the box, on her shelf. The hunt is over...mission accomplished.

3400 miles...14 Days

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Thu, 15 Jun 2017 20:28:00 +0000

I know our trip has been over for a week or two but I still want to tell you about it and to let you know that Kalisha is a perfect road trip traveler. I was going to add "Only one...'I have to Pee'" into the title, but thought better of it.
The entire 14 days was an extraordinary experience. Our first HOTEL was the home of Dwight's brother, Keith and sister-in-law, Micki, in NC. They had rooms all ready for us. They even rearranged rooms and put a Q sized bed in the room for Dwight and I. We used their home as our 'base' while visiting others in the area.
Micki is an outstanding cook and the breakfasts she prepared for us every day were scrumptious...think waffles, eggs and bacon, and all the other good things you can imagine. Thank you, keith, for having coffee made every morning, too.
She even prepared dessert and coffee one evening and invited some of her friends over because they read the Magnolia books and wanted to meet me. Talk about feeling like a celebrity...I was humbled by the experience.
We attended Dwight's great-niece's wedding and reception. It was outdoors and about 100 degrees but a beautiful ceremony. They did some things I had not seen before, but I recommend if you're planning a wedding. One of those was this: instead of having a 'reception line where you shake hands with people you've never seen before, the bride and groom greeted their guests at the end of the food line. It was perfect. There was time to say a few words but no hand-shaking was needed (your hands were full of food, anyway) and it moved quickly. Perfect.
We spent the next day with Dwight's son, Mike, and his wife, Deb. Their son was visiting for the weekend so we got to enjoy Nick's company also. Deb is another amazing cook.Wow. I think I gained 10 pounds because of these two women.
One more day before we left and it was spent with Dwight's sister, Ruth and her husband, Wayne, at their beautiful home.
I want to add this...all of these good people embraced Kalisha as one of their own. They made everything comfortable for her and accepted her on every level. Deb and Nick even played UNO with her. (She won the most games...HA)

Then we left for Houston, TX. When we arrived at HOTEL SHOCKLEY, it was perfect also. Emily, age 9, had a drawer for Kalisha's clothes and had made room in her closet for hanging things. She had a welcome note on Dwight's and my bed and even had chocolates placed on our pillows and on Kalisha's pillow.
The week went by way too quickly. The 'girls' had a manicure and pedicure

The only casualty was one of Dwight's sandals. The 2 pups that are awaiting adoption decided it was a chew toy. Kari warned us about letting anything lay where they could reach it.

Emily had a tea party for me,

we attended church, we went to a swim meet to watch both kids swim. Grandson Joseph will be in the Olympics one day, I guarantee it.

We went to the Spring Concert of the choir and dance ministry that Emily is part of. It is comprised of homeschool children...probably about 100 of them of varying ages. From very young to graduating seniors. The numbers she was in were, of course, the best :).One was formal wear, one was a sailor number

and another was a cowgirl outfit.

It was truly an enjoyable evening. The last song was "God Bless America" followed by "God Bless Texas." Kalisha knows that song very well and I almost had to tie her in her seat to keep her from singing, clapping and stomping with the group.

Kari is an excellent cook also, and Joseph gets a blue ribbon for grilling.
So...as you can see by the pictures, which are not necessarily in order, it was a lovely trip and over way too soon.

How is Kalisha Dealing With Your Marriage?

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 19:16:00 +0000

I decided to blog about this because I have been asked the question many, many times. Some people are genuinely concerned about Kalisha's reactions, some are interested in case they ever face the same situation and some are just nosy. It really doesn't bother me at all but I thought I could reach more individuals and not have to repeat myself so many times.

I recently married a man I have known for 35 years but we just reconnected last summer. IF you aren't aware of the facts surrounding this event, I will list them:
*Dwight High and his wife and the Doty family both raised goats and showed them at many shows during the summers. Dwight was in charge of the Open Show at the Van Wert Co. Fair in Ohio. At that time, 1983, exhibitors were required to stay with the livestock for the entire week of the fair. Needless to say, all the exhibitors became friends during that week. This was repeated each summer. After many of us no longer showed, we all lost track of each other.
*A few years ago, I saw a comment from Dwight on some post on Facebook. I sent him a message and asked if he was the Dwight High I remembered from Ohio, because now his profile stated he lived in Florida.
It was him and we chatted a bit. His wife had died, he was retired (from the OH State Police) and now lived in FL. I was divorced, had sold the farm and lived in Ft. Wayne, IN.
*Every 6 months or so, we exchanged a few words on Facebook.
*May, 2016, I saw a picture of him in someone's barn. I was fairly sure it wasn't in FL. I messaged him and asked if he was in OH. He said yes he was there for a graduation and asked if I wanted to meet for dinner before he went back home. We did have dinner and the rest is history.
*Kalisha remembered him from the goat shows, so she felt that she 'knew' him and he knew her since before she was born. She immediately liked him.
*The 2 weeks before Christmas, she and I flew to FL to visit Dwight at his house. I felt she needed to see him in his house and environment so she would have a mental picture of where he lived and shopped and ate, etc.
*Dwight put up a Christmas tree for us, he indulged her love of Olaf and bought tickets for a one-day visit to Disney World so she could meet Olaf.

(Dwight was climbing higher on her 'favorite person list' every day.) They frosted Christmas cookies together and discussed many subjects. It was good for both of them, because then he could see a little bit of how she operates also.
*When he asked me to marry him, it was with the understanding that I wasn't moving anywhere until Kalisha was fully settled in her apartment (That move had been in the works long before Dwight entered the picture) and for months after: until I was comfortable with her being comfortable.
*Kalisha and I have been a 'team' for over 30 years and that was all taken into consideration. Dwight truly does love her and tries his best to understand some of her behaviors. He read the book about her: Not Different Enough and that helped, but of course, he still occasionally tries to reason with (sometimes) an unreasonable person.
*Kalisha really wanted to be at our wedding but accepted the fact that none of our children were going to be there and she couldn't be either. It took place in a cabin, on a mountain, in TN and there was only the minister, photographer, 2 friends from TN as our witnesses and Dwight and me.
*It has been a very good mixing of personalities. They have a lot in common...going out to eat being their favorite activity.
Has it been an adjustment for all of us? Of course, but I believe it has been a very smooth one. Kalisha is adult enough to understand married people need some time alone and some privacy (some of her comments could be another blog post but it won't be LOL). In fact, she seems to totally enjoy our being together. I think she is in love with our being in love.
*There have been a few signs of worry that she is going to lose me permanently. If I go upstairs for any length of time, she goes up also; to her room, but still, upstairs. When I come back down, she comes back to the living room. Her BC says that is quite normal and it will lessen with time.
*So...the answers to WHEN or IF we are moving to Florida are not answerable at this point in time. Everything hinges on when the house where her apartment will be located, is purchased or built or remodeled. Until then, Dwight is stuck in the IN weather instead of his 80+ Florida weather.
*I hope this clears up some of the confusion concerning our plans. If YOU get them figured out, please let us know.

*For more information on CASS housing, visit the website, www.CASShousing.org

Would You Like to Come For Dinner?

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Thu, 17 Nov 2016 13:56:00 +0000

It seems I have several posts that need the title, 'Really, Kalisha??' She continues to amaze me, amuse me and almost always entertains me.
As I have written in the past, Kalisha is part of a new (new to IN) housing solution for high-functioning individuals. We know she will be living in her own apartment in the not-so-distant future.
To that end, her Behavioral Consultant and I and Kalisha have been working diligently on her living independently skills. Some times in the past, we have worked on them but then I drop the ball and we go back to NOT working on them.
However, there is a greater urgency now, so she has a chore chart. She is in charge of which chore she does on which day. The little magnet notes are movable, so she can change days if she chooses.

She has been doing an excellent job with no urging from me and no reminding. She just does it. YAY...progress.
Last week, she walked into the living room and announced, "The dishes are all washed, dried and put away, except for the glass pie pan. I didn't know where that went."
"Wonderful, Kalisha. I am so proud of you. That pie pan had stuff really stuck on it."
"Yeah, it was hard to get off, but I used the green and yellow scratcher."

My eyes blinked a little before I said, "The one from the bathroom?"
"Yes. It worked great. I think the red one by the kitchen sink is worn out."
"Kalisha, you do know that green one is to scrub the tub, right?"
"I wasn't sure what it was for, but it looked new so I used it."

I was nearly rolling on the floor. Truthfully, it was new and I had just placed it on the ledge in the shower, but Kalisha didn't know that. You are probably asking if I 're-washed' the dishes from that night. Not a chance. We do not own a dishwasher and I had no desire to wash them a second time. She got them clean...what more can I ask for? LOL
I'm sure you will all be thrilled to accept an invitation to eat at our house in the near future, won't you?

More Is Not Always better

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Fri, 07 Oct 2016 02:45:00 +0000

In the last two weeks, Kalisha has done some crazy things in her shopping adventures. It seems she makes great progress, has all her ducks in a row and then shazamm...things are back at square one.

She recently attended the DeKalb County Fair with her boyfriend and each of their staff people. When she came home, I asked if she had a good time. She said they did and they had a good lunch while there.
"So what do you have in the paper bag," I asked.
"Oh, just some doughnuts for us to share."
"Good. I'm hungry for something sweet. May I have one?"
"Sure," she replied.
I opened the bag and was rather amazed at the amount of doughnuts inside.
"Kalisha, how many doughnuts did you buy?"
"Just a dozen. They looked really good and I thought we could all share."
Right...a dozen doughnuts in a house that tries not to eat many sweets.

So yesterday, I met two friends for lunch. Kalisha wanted me to drop her off at the mall while I visited. When I picked her up, several hours later, she said she ate at Chick-Fil-A. She had a chicken sandwich and fries AND their nuggets.
"Why did you get a sandwich and the nuggets?"
"I don't know. I guess I was hungry."

Later, we went grocery shopping. Grocery shopping with Kalisha is always an adventure. We have been working on her spending and selection skills for-evah...or so it seems to me and probably to her, too.
We each had a cart; I had a large one and she had a small one. She met me and had only 3 boxes of cereal and some grapes in her cart.
"Should I get some of that yogurt that is on sale?" she asked.
"Sure," I told her as she headed to the dairy case.
She came back and her cart was filled with Yoplait yogurt containers.

"How many did you get?" I asked.
"Six of every flavor."
I was doing some fast calculating in my head and even at .39 each, that was going to be a staggering sum because there must be 15 flavors.
"You can't get that many," I told her. "Where are we going to put them all?"
"I don't know but I'll put them back, Mom."

Off she went to put them back. Wouldn't you like to be the one working in the dairy department and having to put them all back in the correct flavor spaces??? It's called job security.

So I expect her to return with maybe 12 or so. No. She only has 4.
"Kalisha, you can get more than 4."
"No, it's okay. I'll get some more another day."

Some day, we are going to conquer the spending "thing."

Cookies? What Cookies?

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Thu, 28 Jul 2016 20:47:00 +0000

Apple I-phone 6s Plus

As you probably all know, Kalisha is a phone junkie. She loves her phones and in case you think she doesn't make good use of her phone...think again.
She rarely uses her laptop; all things are done on her phone. It is her constant companion. She can find anything, watch movies and TV programs on it. She buys and sells things on e-bay on it and she uses social media, especially FaceBook.
Her list of 'apps' is impressive and she has about a million pictures stored.
Now, while that is all good, the bad part is she always wants the latest and greatest new one. They are quite expensive so she has been to the Verizon store to inquire about trading her present phone in and how much they would give her for it. She is quite a 'haggler' or as I suspect, she just talks them to death and they give her what she wants so she will go home. LOL
This time, she has stipulations before she can buy a new phone. Her Behavior Consultant and I (and Kalisha) made an agreement as to when she can have a new one. First, her present one has to be paid for. She pays a certain amount each month toward the balance through Verizon. Her present balance is $249.14.
Sooo, she has to accumulate that much money before she can finance the one she wants: the Apple I-phone 6s Plus.
If you see her, don't waste your breath trying to talk her out of it. She will not be deterred. Several people have told her they like their Samsung phones (what she currently has) better that Apple (which she had before the Samsung). Are you following along here???? It doesn't matter to her what they like; she wants this one and she is going to raise that money if it kills her (and me, possibly)
She has set the middle of August as her deadline because I am going to be gone for a week and she wants her phone before I leave.
So far, she has sold all of her Hello Kitty stuff which netted her around $35.00. She is going to add her paychecks from Parkview Field to the jar. She needs more. So today, she put 2 pair of shoes (really cute and barely worn) on e-bay. Then she put her bicycle helmet on e-bay. She no longer has a bike so why keep a helmet? I was good with all of this as long as she didn't start selling the cats and dog.
HOWEVER, yesterday she comes to me with a list. "I have 8 people already who want to buy a dozen cookies."
Me: "Cookies? Who is selling cookies?"
K: "I am. I'm charging $5 a dozen."
Me: "Really? There are people who want to buy your cookies for $5 a dozen?"
K: "Yes. And I will have more money for my phone."
Me: "Uhhh, how are you going to get the cookies to them?"
K: "I don't know. I haven't figured that out yet."
Me: "Are they all the same kind?"
K: "No. They want all different kinds."
Me: "You realize you will have to buy the ingredients to make them and that comes out of your $5, right?"
K: "Well, I guess so. Or I could use your flour and stuff."
Me: "No. That won't work. Also, where exactly did you advertise these cookies?"
K: " I posted it on FB. I said I was selling cookies for $5 a dozen and I have 8 customers already."
Me: "Do you know the board of health is going to hunt you down. You cannot sell food from an unapproved kitchen."
K: "Well, I just thought I would start my own business and make some money."

You know, some days this 'special needs' girl is just too smart for her own good.
*Never fear, she will have that $249.14 by the end of August, come hell or high water. Determination is her middle name. Of course, there might not be any furniture left in our house....

Remember the "Occasionally" Part

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Sat, 02 Jul 2016 13:53:00 +0000

Before you read this blog post, please take a second to re-read the title of this website. It is "Getting It Right-Occasionally" That refers to me getting it right, occasionally...not Kalisha.
I'm going to tell you about an incident yesterday and it definitely wasn't one of the times I got it right.
Kalisha has overcome many obstacles and grown in many, many areas. She has one habit that is still particularly annoying to me. I realize it should not bother me any longer, but it does. Immensely.
She tends to have a knee-jerk reaction to some things and before doing any processing, she immediately reacts by calling everyone she can reach to get either their sympathy or their opinion. Or she just needs to talk through it. There are several people who handle this very well and some...not so well. I hate it when someone says to me, "Well, it sounds like you and Kalisha had a disagreement again" or something similar.
Even though they mean well, it makes my skin crawl. Yes, we probably did but if you don't know the whole story, just forget it.
We have discussed this and her BC and I have both cautioned her against immediately calling someone for advice. Process a bit first, Kalisha, and then if you still feel the need to talk to someone, go ahead.
Okay, here's what happened:
I returned on Thursday from 5 days in FL. She stayed home alone, knowing her sister and family live a block away and she could call Carrie, her BC, any time, day or night. She did an excellent job in those 5 days. She washed dishes, took care of the pets, emptied wastebaskets, made her own meals...the whole enchilada. AND, she only texted me to say 'good morning' and to say 'good night.'

She was unbelievably happy to see me when I walked in the front door. You would have thought I had been gone for a month. I was happy to see her, also.
The next day, we were having a normal conversation about many things, when I casually mentioned the fact that I had seen (not purchased) some good prices on tickets to fly back to FL in August.
She looked at me and said, "You might go back????"
I told her that yes I probably would, at some point. I thought that was the end of it. Five minutes later, I hear her on the phone, telling someone about how I might fly back to FL and she didn't want to stay alone again...and on and on.
Mistake #1: Yes, I should have given her some time before I mentioned leaving again.
Mistake #2: I should have asked who she was talking to.
Mistake #3: Knee-jerk reaction (she obviously gets this trait honestly)
Mistake #4: I told her I was done sharing anything with her and I was not going to be her friend anymore. I would always be her mother, but not her friend.
Mistake #5: I didn't discuss my anger with her at all; instead we went to do some errands.
I took her to our local bank branch, where everyone knows her. She went inside to deposit some money to her account while I stayed in the car. Our favorite teller came out to the car and told me Kalisha was at her window, crying. She had tried to console her but couldn't make her feel any better.
I immediately went inside to receive my "Mother of the Year" award. Geez.

*Remember, I only get it right-OCCASIONALLY.

I talked to her and hugged her, assuring her I would always be her friend, as everyone in line watched and either smiled or wished we would hurry up. I didn't care.
We discussed this for the rest of the day. I apologized and asked for her forgiveness, which she, of course, granted.
Knowing how much she values our 'friendship' and always says we are best friends, that was probably the most hurtful thing I could ever say to her. I could have told her it was definitely time to move out or anything, except saying we weren't friends any longer.
Am I contrite and beating myself up because I chose to say that? Yes. Will I hurt her again some time? I'm sure I will...I'm not dead yet, so yes, probably.
Mistakes are a part of life and we all hurt people; sometimes unintentionally and sometimes, intentionally. The saying about sticks and stones, is NOT true. Words hurt more than bruises.
Kalisha and I are best friends..we always have been and always will be. Even when either of us says stupid things.

Volunteering To Do What???

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Mon, 30 May 2016 13:28:00 +0000

As most of you know, Kalisha likes to volunteer for various things. You probably know she is also a 'knee-jerk reaction' kind of gal.
Read about it, call for information, volunteer, and THEN, tell Mom.

Several weeks ago, she asked me if I would take her to a specific place so she could pick up her shirt, work gloves and garbage bag. As usual, my response was something intelligent, like, "What???"
"Yeah, I'm going to do the Great American Clean-Up on Saturday and I have to pick up my stuff."
Now we are talking about the girl who isn't real fond of work of any kind and I'm pretty sure picking up litter along city streets would be on the bottom of the list if there even was a list of favorite 'work.'
Being the perceptive person I am (and having lived with Kalisha for 32+ years) I knew immediately what this was about...the T-shirt. Yes, she wanted the T-shirt. It is always a pretty cool shirt. The design includes the city of Fort Wayne in some way and this year the color was neon yellow. I told her she could direct traffic wearing that shirt, in case she ever needed to.
She did go with a group and all was well. I don't know how much trash she actually accumulated in her big black bag, but by George, she has the shirt. Mission accomplished.

Next Scenario: Kalisha tells me, "I contacted the people that run the Colts' training camp and asked them to send the information about volunteering."
Of course she did. We have attended the training camp two separate summers in the past. She has many player autographs, including Andrew Luck's. She has asked volunteers when we are there how they got to volunteer. This year she wasn't waiting around. She was on it.

They emailed the application and we filled it out together. There were many questions about what days, what hours, what groups of people she preferred working with and what jobs she would like to do.
We chose 3 days in a row, the early afternoon session and then came the list of possible duties. She was deciding what she would like the best when she read, drive a golf cart.
Her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. "Yes, Mom, that's what I want to do. Can I?"
It was difficult to answer while laughing. "Kalisha, you've been there. You've seen them. The drivers of the golf carts have to wind around all the people walking. You would mow someone down and then they would need a golf cart."
A few summers ago, her sister, Kaylynn, being a brave soul, allowed Kalisha to drive the golf cart they own at their lake property. Kalisha drove from the lakefront up a hill to the cottage. Kaylynn was in the front seat with her and I was in the back..thank God.
Kalisha eventually made it to the top of the hill and then home but not without lots of swerving and jerking. I had visions of that when she wanted to volunteer for it at training camp.

I did manage to dissuade her from checking that box. Whew. She called Michael Limmer at Parkview Field and asked permission to use his phone number as a reference for handing out brochures since that is what she does at her job at Parkview Field. He graciously gave his consent. When we had it all filled in and scanned and sent back, she immediately called the person listed on the form and asked if it had been received. The lady was very nice and it sounded as though she has the position sewed up.

So...it seems we will be heading to Anderson in August. Kalisha is anxiously waiting for her assignment to be emailed to her.

This should be worth several more posts by that time. Yikes.

Adding a Little

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Tue, 03 May 2016 20:53:00 +0000

I forgot to add a few things to yesterday's post so you are getting 2 in a row.

Several weeks ago, Kalisha was in line to pay at Walgreen's. She noticed the lady in front of her was paying with a card that had Disney Dalmations on it. She immediately asked her a gazillion questions about it. The lady told her it was free and she could ask at her bank.
The next day, we were at our bank to do something. Kalisha went in before me and by the time I got inside, she was already in a little cubicle with a banker. I heard him say, "We will have to destroy your present card but you should receive your new one in the mail in a few days."

Number 2: She has a plastic cup from Parkview Field that she originally bought, filled with pop. She has not been drinking pop for several weeks but uses it at home for water. I heard her talking to someone on the phone about this cup and how the red design was wearing off. She wanted a new one. She was told she would have to buy it filled with pop. That's understandable...maybe when there is a game, right? Oh no. She wanted it now and of course, they told her if she came in, they would fill one for her and they did. The crazy thing??? There is NOTHING going on at Parkview Field today, so some sweet soul had to go to one of the concession stands and get her a pop.

I really don't know why we are voting for any of the candidates presented today. We should vote for Kalisha...she can persuade anyone to do almost anything.

Right Now...Famous Words

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Mon, 02 May 2016 19:25:00 +0000

Kalisha has inherited my "let's git 'er done" philosophy on life in general (although I was separated for 4 years before finally getting a divorce...go figure).
This does not always work in her favor, although sometimes, it does. I could ramble on here for many paragraphs but I will just list some of her latest impatient actions.

She wanted to have an answer to a 'phone' question. I told her I would take her to Verizon the next day. Not soon enough for her. She got on the city bus and went to Verizon. That isn't a bad thing except I didn't know she went and because of the location of the Verizon store, she had to walk across almost the entire parking lot at Glenbrook Mall. (Have you seen the way people drive in that parking lot?) Yowsers.

She filled out her Parkview Field availability work sheet for May and immediately sent it back. No discussing the dates or my availability to pick her up.

She asked if she should sell her Hello Kitty shoes since they were barely worn and she didn't want them any longer. I told her it was okay. I thought she meant e-bay or Craigslist. The next time I was online, there were her shoes. She found an app called 'Let It Go' and promptly listed them.

I opened my FB page and saw a video of Kalisha talking to the people who were commenting to her. Then I saw my dining room flash before my eyes. What the hell? That is sort of what I asked. She said "Oh that's an app I found called FaceBook Time." Really? It would be nice if she would warn me. Occasionally, I make a mad dash from my bedroom upstairs to the dryer in the basement, wearing only the essentials. And we all know, once in a while I say a few words I shouldn't.

She wanted to participate in 'Clean-Up Day' in Ft. Wayne last year but was too late in volunteering. That wasn't going to happen this year, evidently. She already signed up. I didn't even know when it was scheduled.

She is constantly telling me things after the fact. I know you are all thinking that she will be living on her own soon and she needs to make decisions by herself. While that's true, she might want to think about it for just a minute before volunteering or proceeding.

She informed me that the COLTS were looking for volunteers to work at their training camp in August at Anderson College. (We have gone to that for a day a few times) I guess we will be going again because she off-handedly informed me the other night that she was volunteering this summer. I said, "Don't you have to contact someone to find out all the details?"
"Oh, I already did. They are sending me the paperwork to fill out."

Of course they are.

Let's Talk About This...

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Sat, 09 Apr 2016 14:20:00 +0000

I wrote a post on FaceBook last week that began with this statement or similar one: 'April is Autism Awareness Month and if you don't know that by now, you must be living under a rock.'
I meant it in a humorous way, but let's face it...it is a true statement. There is so much dialogue and information and celebrity spots and Facebook postings and 'Light it up Blue' information being thrown at the public, I really do believe a person would have to be in a coma to not know this is Autism Awareness Month.
Is it a good thing? Yes and no, in my humble opinion. Definitely 'yes' to making people aware of the many facets to autism and the individuals that are diagnosed with it. Perhaps 'no' to the overkill of advertising.
It is like anything else; just because you know some facts about a certain subject, does it make any difference in your daily life? Are you kinder and more tolerant of a child's behaviors in a restaurant? (A friend of mine told me they were enjoying dinner with their son at a local restaurant last week when the server told them a couple was being escorted out because they complained about my friend's adult son with autism. ) Does it stop those kind of behaviors? Does it make the social lives of young adults on the spectrum any better? Are their peers any more inclusive of them? Perhaps and perhaps not. It obviously made the management of that restaurant more aware and tolerant. YAY
Until a diagnosis of autism affects you or your family or your friend in some way, it may not make any difference.
That is true of most things, isn't it? We see, read and hear much information about many diseases or situations, but until it affects us personally...does it really change our daily actions?
So....you are asking if I think all the 'Awareness' campaigns are a waste of time and money. NO, emphatically, NO. They are a necessity and if being aware of some facts about autism helps just ONE person to be kinder or more tolerant, then it is all worth it.

Kalisha, my adult daughter who is on the spectrum and has had Asperger's and mild intellectual disabilities with just a smidge of OCD and some seizure issues added into the mix, is employed by Parkview Field (a local Minor League Baseball stadium) to hand out the programs and greet people when they enter the stadium. This is her third summer of doing this. While it may seem like an odd job for someone with autism (since the stereotypical concept is they are all shy and uncommunicative) it is perfect for Kalisha, who is very social and has never met a stranger...seriously.
Recently, I was contacted by a young man from Bethesda Communities in Watertown, WI. Bethesda has a facility in Fort Wayne, IN, also and Kalisha is a client there. He wanted to know if a media coordinator could contact all the media outlets in Ft. Wayne and see if there was some interest in featuring stories and articles about her, her life and her employment at Parkview Field. He asked me if I thought she would enjoy being called a role model for the autistic community.
I seriously had to stifle a laugh about that. If you are a regular reader of this blog, you are aware of some of Kalisha's activities and I'm pretty certain they would not fall under the role model category.
However...I told him, "Yes, I think she would enjoy that."
She is going to be interviewed tonight for an article in the local paper and then later, there will be a television interview with local WPTA/WISE stations (ABC/NBC affiliates).
She is absolutely thrilled by this and I am so happy for her and her chance to tell people and show them that a diagnosis of autism, while devastating, is not necessarily a 'death sentence' for families, I must admit, there is a bit of trepidation on my part when someone puts a microphone in front of Kalisha.

Off To Buy A Lottery Ticket

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Fri, 25 Mar 2016 19:19:00 +0000

Wow. Two posts in two days...not my usual style, but I had to write this short post.

I am going to TX to do a book signing in a few weeks. Kalisha wanted to go along. That was fine, but I told her she had to buy her tickets and have some spending money. When we added it up, it would take all of her 'spending' money for the month plus any savings she had set aside.
She was more than willing to spend it....but then decided she really needed a new portable DVD player as hers had died and couldn't be revived. I suggested she wait to get it until she received her first check from Parkview Field. That didn't fly because that would require a wait and she wanted it to take along with her. Sooo, her choices were going to TX without the DVD player or staying home and purchasing it.

Before she went to bed last night, she told me about playing a contest on the radio. If she won, she could do both; trip and VD player. I agreed she could but told her the chances of winning were 'slim to nothing.'

She won a CD this morning from the same station and her hopes were escalating. After lunch, she came into my office and nonchalantly said, "Well, I guess I can go to TX and get my DVD player. I just won the $105 prize"

"Are you kidding me?"

"Nope. I can pick it up at the station on Tuesday."

"How did you do that?"

"I just kept calling when they said and I saved the 'word' every time and they called and I won. I guess God wants me to go and have a DVD player."

"I guess so. Let's go and you can buy a lottery ticket, okay?"

(She didn't actually buy one, but perhaps she should have.)

That tenacity of hers never fails to amaze me.

Please Tell Me You Didn't....

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Thu, 24 Mar 2016 15:43:00 +0000

The events I am going to write about happened a week ago, but it has taken me that long to acclimate myself to what I already know --- the words, "What the hell...?" are going to be a part of my vocabulary until I die. (Insert a sigh of resignation here)

Last Saturday, I had the opportunity to attend a ACFW luncheon in Indianapolis. My friend, Lynne, invited me and it was a great day. The speaker was informative and enjoyable, the food was good.
Kalisha was busy at home and my grandson was at a friend's house. All was well.
We were about halfway home when I received a text from Kalisha. 'Can we have Little Ceasar's pizza for supper? Text me back.'

My text to her was: 'Probably. We'll talk about it when I get there.'

Thirty minutes later, she calls me and before I can even say anything, I hear this: "I wanted Jacob's pizza but he wouldn't give me any. I begged and wouldn't leave him alone so he took my phone. I got mad and called Dad. He said that was stealing and told me to call 911. So I did and the police came."

Now is when you hear me say, "WHAT THE HELL?"

Those words applied to several things: The fact she called the police, the fact that her father told her to, and the fact that I am in no position to do anything about it at this point. I am in a car on I-69.

Deep breath...I knew exactly what happened and could visualize the entire scenario which didn't make the picture any prettier.

Kalsha gets hung up on food, especially if someone else has some that she loves; like pizza. Jacob had come home and was eating some of HIS leftover pizza from the night before and that was more than she could stand. I should say that he always shares a piece when he has a whole pizza, but this was only a few pieces. I didn't blame him for not sharing.

The next thing is that when she gets in that 'Kalisha mode' she can't always pull herself out and it escalates. I'm sure when he couldn't stand her hassling him about his pizza any longer, he took her phone. (That is her consequence when I am dealing with her, so he thought it would work for him, too)

That's when she called her dad. He probably could have talked her off the ledge if he had tried, but of course, he didn't. His solution was, "Call the police."

AND, of course, she did. Now, we have 3 people in this story. ONE of them is supposedly an adult. I'm going to stop right there, because my blood pressure is beginning to rise as I write this. Let's just say I was NOT a happy camper and 98% of my anger was going to be directed at the OLDEST one.

So, as I am traveling north, I asked, "Did they show up?"

"Yes, but I told them it was all a misunderstanding and everything was okay now and they left after they wrote down some information."

"Kalisha, go to your room and stay there until I get home. Understand?"

"Yes."

She was in her room when I came home. We discussed the entire scenario. Of course, by this time, she was rational again and even told me, "That was like crying wolf and if I ever really need the police, they might remember this time." I assured her they would respond the next time, but she did have the crying wolf idea right.

She wanted to know if I was going to call her dad and yell at him. I exercised a huge amount of self-control...I didn't call. (Are you proud of me?) I didn't think it would do any good. There is a FB cartoon that states, 'You can't fix stupid.'

I will just leave that there.

A Humorous Day At the Hospital

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 19:29:00 +0000

Read about another adventure

Kalisha has been having a toothache and that is putting it mildly. She had 2 teeth removed a few months ago by her dentist and although she has the highest pain tolerance of anyone I know, she literally screamed during the procedure. When she needed another one extracted because of a horrific toothache every couple of days, I was at a loss of what to do.
Her Behavioral Consultant came to the rescue by asking me if I had contacted Dr. Lee, here in Fort Wayne, IN. No, I had not but I was willing to see anyone to get her out of this pain. She missed her volunteering and her Friday morning cooking classes because she wasn't able to go. The pain would subside during the day but recur nearly every night.
I called on Tuesday and wonder of wonders, (it's another God-thing) there was a chance of doing the procedure the next day. This dentist/oral surgeon has a large practice but two days a week, he does dental procedures for special needs individuals and he does them at a hospital under anesthesia. While the patient is sedated, ALL procedures are done at one time: fillings, cleanings, x-rays, extractions. That way there aren't multiple trips to further traumatize the patient who may already be severely apprehensive.
This wonderful man's name is Dr. Steven B. Lee and he is a dedicated, caring man.

Okay, now for the humorous part of our day. The two things Kalisha hates the most are getting up early and not eating...especially breakfast. Guess what? We had to be at the hospital at 7:30 and she could not eat or drink anything. Oh, my gosh. The attitude came on with a capital A. She was not going, I had not discussed this with her, she didn't care if her tooth hurt forever, she liked pain and she really liked laughing gas (which the last dentist used and didn't work) and she liked laughing and being funny and she wasn't going and she was going to tell them she had eaten so then they wouldn't do the procedure.
I listened to this barrage of statements for about 2 hours and then I told her she was going, she was having it done, I didn't need to ask her permission and now, BE QUIET. Yes I know, I need counseling in being a supportive parent. NOT.
By the time we arrived, she was processing the whole thing and asked me to forgive her, which I did. We met Dr. Lee (discovered we knew each other from a previous church) and he talked to her for a long time. Very encouraging and supportive. Great.

Then the nurse told her there was an opening that day and they would be able to take care of her that afternoon. **Did you catch that? Afternoon....
I wish you could have seen Kalisha's eyes when she realized there would be no food or drink until MUCH later in the day, possibly dinner time. She actually handled it pretty well, but when a woman setting across from us in the registration area unwrapped a cookie, I was afraid Kalisha might wrestle her for it. :)
I didn't eat either because I couldn't do that to her, so we were both hungry. They got her ready for surgery later in the day...IV, gown, everything so she would be ready when it was time. At one point, she told the nurse, "I changed my mind. I'm not doing this."
At one point, the nurse was discussing height and weight and physical condition with Kalisha. She asked, "Are you active?"
Kalisha replied, "You mean like sex?"
I thought the nurse was going to slide right down the front of the cabinet from laughing. In Kalisha's defense, I have to say that every time a doctor uses the word, active, it is when they are asking if she is sexually active.

They wheeled her away around 3pm. She came back to recovery around 4pm, looking like she had been run over by a truck; the way everyone looks when they come out of surgery. Dr. Lee explained everything and talked to her too although she doesn't remember any of it.
Okay, now it is time for me to get the car while the nurse pushes her down to the front doors of the hospital. Maybe it was my food-deprived brain or maybe not, but I got on an elevator on the 5th floor and tried to go to the ground floor. The doors closed but the elevator wouldn't go anywhere. WTH? As I am searching for a way to make it move, I read a sign that says, "Staff Elevator...Badge Required" Oh for heaven's sake, now I am hungry, thirsty and trapped on a stinking elevator! As I frantically thought of things to do, I was mentally deciding to use this scene in a future novel. (IF I didn't die on this elevator, of course)
Finally, I got it to open the doors but now I was on a deserted floor somewhere in the hospital. No people, no noises, no equipment, no beds...Yikes. I took the stairs.
I hurried because I knew the nurse and Kalisha were waiting for me. As I tried to leave the parking garage, I realized I had not had my card stamped. It cost me $5 to get out.
We made it home and she is feeling much better today.
Just another day in the life of Kalisha and Gloria...I'm going to miss these adventures when she moves out....well, maybe not.
https://www.facebook.com/Getting-It-Right-Occasionally-186389634739943/?ref=hl

X-Rated....You've Been Warned

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 20:31:00 +0000

I want to give you full warning this post contains some adult words and ideas. If you think you might be offended, please don't read it. You may be asking, why I would write it. Here's the deal. For you to know how Kalisha's brain works, you have to know these things and there are no 'nice' ways to say some of them.
It's still quite humorous but geez Louise, she often says exactly what is in her head. We work on this and she usually pauses for a few seconds before saying things. Also, she has outgrown the need to say everything, and now runs most sensitive things past me first.
This is a conversation we had while driving somewhere last week.
Me: Are you and Paul (not his real name) going to the Valentine Dance on Friday?

K: Yeah. He wants me to go.

Me: Don't you want to go?

K: I do.

Me: Do the two of you actually dance?

K: Yes, we dance and kiss sometimes.

Me: Good. I'm happy you have a boyfriend.

K: Do you think we'll get married some day?

Me: I don't know. Do YOU think you'll get married?

K: Probably.

Me: Do you love him or just like him?

K: I love him but you know how I am...I get really excited about something and then after a while, I'm not interested anymore.

***She is quite introspective about many things and knows herself very well

Me: Well, that's true but you know how you are, so maybe you need to pray about it.

K: Yeah, cause I couldn't do that with marriage. I couldn't just say 'I'm tired of this and I'm done being married because marriage is supposed to be forever.'

***There are a lot of people who should take her advice.

Me: Yes, that's true. Do you and Paul ever talk about getting married?

K: Not really. His parents said he can't get married for a long time yet.

Me: Okay. Do you think he knows what being married means?

K: You mean having sex? Like when he puts _____ his_____ in _____my ______?

Me: Yes...that is an important part...but there's more to marriage than sex.

K: I wonder if he knows about sex.

Me: I don't know and I don't know how you will find out.

***WAIT FOR IT.....

K: I think the next time I see his parents, I'll say, "So, does Paul know all about sex?"

*** In Kalisha's mind, if you want to know something, the logical thing to do, is ask.

It takes a lot to rattle me when it comes to Kalisha, but the scene and the conversation she just described flashed across my mind like a meteor. I continued driving and said, "Honey, I really don't think it would be a good idea to ask that question, okay?"

K: Okay.

I warned you, didn't I?

Another Birthday...Oh My

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Sun, 07 Feb 2016 01:27:00 +0000

Today is Kalisha's 32nd birthday. Yikes. I find that hard to believe but the numbers don't lie, so I guess it is true. She approaches birthdays in her own unique way. She invariably wants a party and thinks of various ways to make that happen.
This year, I first knew she was planning one when I saw the invitation on Facebook.

"Ka li shaaaaaa, what does this invitation mean? When and where are you having this party?"
As she comes down the stairs, "On my birthday and we can have it here."
Me, sighing..."Geez, Kalisha, do you think we might have talked about this first?"
"I'll take care of it, Mom. I will make all the plans and buy the stuff, okay? It's my job."
Me: "Okay. This is your baby. I am not going to do anything. I might vacuum but that's it. If you already made plans, go for it." (What was I saying????)
She changed the date 3 times because the one person she REALLY wanted to come was not available several of the first choices. We did talk about the problems with that and trying to please every one. I suggested she choose a date and stick to it, no matter who could or couldn't attend. Okay, she agreed.

She did really well. She bought the ice cream, soda, and some candy for the treat bags. Speaking of treat bags, I did talk her out of the huge brown paper lunch bags. She would have to buy a bushel basket of candy to fill them. She is using regular party treat bags. She is going to order pizza delivered for the food and she bought a cake mix and frosting, that SHE is going to make.

THEN...(did you think she was done with her plans? au contraire.) she sent me an email. In case you don't know, we live in the same house. She wanted a 'package deal' the local Minor League Baseball team was offering for Valentine's day. It consisted of having the mascot arrive at our house, delivering balloons, card, cake and 2 tickets to the first game of the season. I told her I would split the cost of that with her for her birthday gift, but it wouldn't be on her birthday because it was a Valentine's promotion. She told me she would call and ask them to deliver it on her party day and make it a birthday promotion.
Me: "Kalisha, they are going to be very busy for Valentine's Day. I don't think they are going to change days and celebrations for you."
Kalisha, about 30 minutes later: "Hey, Mom, I called and they said they would come on Monday instead and make it a birthday thing."
I'm pretty sure she missed her calling. I've said it before; she should be a negotiator of some kind.

So, let's recap. She has 5 friends coming. They will have pizza and pop. They are going to play UNO or Sorry, (her choices) 'Johnny' of the baseball team is showing up in my living room and bringing all kinds of stuff with him, they are going to eat cake and ice cream.

Perhaps I will go to the local tavern and have a drink while this is happening; that way I won't be tempted to jump in and "fix" something.

The Rope Is Fraying

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Mon, 11 Jan 2016 00:24:00 +0000

There was a time, not so long ago, when I was arguing with my older children's logic. (Imagine that)
We were discussing the subject of Kalisha moving out and living on her own. Their argument for that was: 'When you die, Mom, it will be extremely traumatic for Kalisha. If she then has to leave her home and move somewhere unfamiliar, that will be a double whammy for her. It would be much better for her, and you, if she moved out while you are still alive.'
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard and understood what they were saying, but...my arguments were: 'I am not going to die any time soon and we have lots of time to discuss this. Besides, this is a big house. It seems like a waste of money and space for both of us to pay to live in separate places and I like having her here. We aren't always together; she does her things with her friends and I do mine. We aren't attached at the hip or anything.'

Then came July, 2015. I wish I could tell you exactly WHAT happened in July, but the truth is, I don't know. Here is what I do know: (If any of this becomes TMI ..too much information...for you, please stop reading)
I started writing a fictional love story.
I believe I inadvertently placed myself in that story
I awakened feelings in myself I haven't had for nearly 20 years. Feelings that told me I would welcome a man in my life again.
That whole scenario led into other things. I began to see my life separate from Kalisha. The cord or rope that bound us together had begun to fray.
Then a housing idea was born by a man who worked at Bethesda. Now he is the Director of a housing concept called CASS. I won't go into the details here but if you follow the link I provide at the end of this post, you can learn all about it.
It is the perfect scenario for Kalisha to live by herself and still be safe and close to friends.
Is it a coincidence that the housing and my feelings happened at the same time? I don't think so. The rope frayed a little more.
One reason I could never even consider the possibility of moving out of state was that Kalisha would lose all her waiver benefits. They do not cross state lines..stupid, isn't it, in this mobile society. She waited over 10 years to get those benefits; I wasn't going to take her somewhere she wouldn't have them.
If she is comfortably established in her own residence, I could move if I wanted or if I met and fell in love with a man from another state.
Now, before you think I am going to dump Kalisha in an apartment and run off with someone, I want you to know...that would never happen. I will never stop loving her. I will never stop wanting to be there for her if she needs me. I will never abandon her for any reason and she knows that. too. We discuss it often.
However, I believe the rope frays a bit more each passing day or month and eventually, she will not need me. Want me in her life? Yes, but not NEED me there.
I will be terribly sad and lonesome and so will she for a while but it will pass and we will grow. I know that in my heart and in my head.
It seems every day there is something else that I think of that will be different. Last week, I wrote some thank you cards. As I signed them, "Gloria and Kalisha" I had tears in my eyes thinking about the time when I will just sign my name.
Will it be hard? YES!!! Will there be days I want to forget the whole idea? YES!!! Is it necessary for her to grow and become an independent young woman who can survive without me? YES!!!
And it is necessary for me, also. In more ways than I can tell you.

www.casshousing.org

Getting It Right...Occasionally: Chasing Little Debbie

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 20:41:00 +0000

Getting It Right...Occasionally: Chasing Little Debbie: I realize this post is going to make some readers scratch their heads and ask what is wrong with me. I get that a lot and I'm used to it...

Chasing Little Debbie

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 20:39:00 +0000

I realize this post is going to make some readers scratch their heads and ask what is wrong with me. I get that a lot and I'm used to it, so it won't bother me at all.
Kalisha and I made a trip to Texas to visit another daughter and her family for two weeks before Christmas. Even though it shouldn't have, this seemed to throw our usual Christmas 'doings' out of whack. We missed the various activities we are usually involved in at that time of year: the lighting of a Santa display downtown, the lighting of a huge real Christmas tree adorned with 10,000 tiny lights and several others.

Being 'out of whack' is never a good thing when Kalisha is involved. She mourned the missing of those things for the first few days we were in Texas and her attitude was not stellar. She did, however, pull it back together and all was good.

When we returned home, it seemed like it was nearly time for Christmas. I didn't put up nearly as many decorations as I usually do, I baked only one kind of cookie...no fudge...and we had not shopped for each other.

She couldn't think of one thing she wanted or needed. We all know her wardrobe is filled with Colts and Tincaps shirts, she only wears a select few jeans and sweat pants. Purchasing more is an effort in futility because she will take them back anyway. She was 'stuck' on Bath & Body products but she purchased all the kinds she wanted BEFORE Christmas.

Soooooo, we agreed we would not buy anything for each other this year. She did want ONE thing...a box of a certain kind of Little Debbie bars. A new kind, made just for Christmas and unavailable in the city of Fort Wayne...almost.

Kalisha started calling groceries, pharmacies, big-box stores, anywhere that might carry Little Debbies. Can you imagine working a few days before Christmas, being beyond busy and having someone call and ask you to check the shelves for a certain kind of cookie?

All totaled, she made 51 phone calls. A few of them said they had the kind she was looking for, but when she got there, it wasn't the right kind. She even checked E-bay. Someone was selling a box of them for $9.98 plus $9.95 shipping. These things only cost $1.19 to begin with. Now she was on a mission and was going to pay that price until I stopped her.

I explained that my time and gas was her Christmas present from me. I reiterated that in very clear term, so she understood. She accepted it. On Christmas Eve afternoon, we located one box at a store I have never been to in my life (and probably won't be in the near future.)
She had her box of Little Debbie bars, I had spent a half tank of gas and several hours, total, and everyone was happy.
Do I enable her obsessions? Yeah, I guess. But when a $1.19 box of cookies is the ONLY thing she wanted......Merry Christmas

Is It Really Christmas Again?

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Wed, 23 Dec 2015 13:54:00 +0000

At our house, we definitely know the real meaning of Christmas and we celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus. However, knowing that does not preclude all the other conversations and traditions that we have accumulated over the years.

Kalisha has the picture in her head of the Hallmark movies' 'shopping' model. She doesn't want to have WalMart bags in her hands. She wants to do the kind of shopping where she goes to the mall and emerges with beautiful bags (and lots of them) in her hands. She wants to buy for every person and friend she knows and she wants to have a Christmas party for her friends.

I understand all of that and I 'get it'...I truly do, but her plans never seem to work out as she sees them. Welcome to the real world, right?

This year, she is hung up on Bath and Body items. She has a bushel basket full of her own and assumes everyone would like the same thing she does. She even likes the B&B bags. You know, the paper bags. She posted on FB asking for anyone's extra bags from B&B.

She had each of her gifts in a cute gift bag but when she had collected enough B&B bags, she switched each one to one of those. I tried to explain these bags were shopping bags, meant to advertise B&B. She didn't care. THEN she wanted her debit card to purchase a $20 pack of these paper B&B bags from the internet. I drew the line there.
I asked "why?" I was trying so hard to get inside her head and figure what allure these bags had for her. She finally said, "I like the colors and the picture of the bears around the bottom."
So, here's what I learned from this adventure:
1) beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder...even in paper bags
2) does it really matter what she puts her gifts in?
3) the real sentiment is that she wants to buy for everyone
4) if you receive a gift from Kalisha, guaranteed it will be in one of these bags this year
5) by next year, she may be infatuated with something else
6) I think B&B should give her an advertising rebate check

I have made a deal with myself to be much more faithful about writing for this blog in 2016. Have a blessed Christmas.

New Material

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Sat, 19 Sep 2015 19:03:00 +0000

I realize I haven't posted to this blog for nearly 3 months. It has been a busy summer, among other reasons. I have many new stories to share with you; involving Kalisha, the romance novels I'm writing, a party and drinking Jello shots, having teeth removed, plans moving forward to move out, hooking up the new cable box and some unfiltered phrases she used, but today, I will tell you about the most recent because I might forget. (What?? No, not me.)
It just so happens that I had a 'date' with a gentleman for coffee last week and I am going to dinner with him on Friday. This is new territory for Kalisha and she is quite funny.
She always sees her boyfriend, Daniel, on Fridays at cooking class and once a month, they go on a date. She was thrilled that she and I would both be 'going out' this Friday.
Then she asked if my friend was my boyfriend. I told her, "No. You have to see someone more than once or twice, to call them your boyfriend." (I understand the term BOYfriend may not be correct, either way, but she identified with it.)
Yesterday, we went shopping at the mall for a short time. She wanted to go, so while we were there, I looked for a new top to go with a black skirt I have.
Our shopping conversation:
Me: I'm going to look in my closet first because I don't see anything I like. But if I come back, I'll make sure you come with me because I need your...
K: ...fashion opinion.
Me: Yes, that's correct. (I realize I'm taking fashion opinions from a person who only wears Colts and Tincaps shirts, but believe it or not, she is very good at saying the truthful opinion about my clothing choices.)
Me: I don't see anything that looks like something I would wear. They all look like night shirts I would wear to bed."
K: Are you planning on going to bed?
Me: What?!? No. That also takes more than coffee and a few hours of conversation.
K: Oh, okay.

This will be a great adventure, I can tell. Stay tuned.

New Phone

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 20:06:00 +0000

I know you have read a dozen posts about Kalisha and her phones; good and bad. She is doing so much better.
She started talking about a new phone a month ago; just mentioning she would like to have one, not insisting. The rule for any major purchase is she has to wait for 30 days before buying something.
Her sister got a new Samsung and said she definitely liked it. Now there was one Kalisha could get her hands on and she did. She liked the larger size, the 'feel' of it, all the things it could do (I thought her I-phone 5C did everything but wash dishes).
I reminded her she did not have the money to purchase one and since we are no longer Verizon customers, there was no upgrade available.
Wellll, the same sister told her about a Verizon plan that has no contract but you pay for your phone over a period of time with rebates on your bill each month...yada-yada.
You know, Kalisha was all over that like flies on well, you know.
She spoke to someone on the phone at Verizon, asked a gazillion questions and with my permission, did indeed order the new phone.

First, she had to wait for it to be delivered. In the meantime, she failed to keep a commitment which is an automatic consequence of "lose phone and computer for 24 hours."
In that 24 hours, she did get on her computer to renew library books and check FB and being Kalisha, immediately told on herself. Okay, now the consequence is you can't have your new phone activated until Monday. Do you know how hard it was to have the phone in her possession and not get calls on it?
When it arrived, it was partially activated: she could call out but could not receive calls. Then came the power outage and I couldn't raise the garage door so she would have had to wait until Monday anyway.
Monday arrived, she got on the bus and went to Verizon. I offered to take her, but she was going to do this herself. Ok.
The young man there told her she would have to call her current carrier to get her account number (that's another story for another day) and then it would be totally activated. She came home, made several calls, and finally was told it would take 24 hours to all be switched over.
Soooooo, my used-to-be impatient daughter has made it through waiting over a week from the purchase to being totally done. No meltdowns, no CONSTANT talking about it, no grumpiness...I would say that is big-time progress, wouldn't you?

Consequences are Such a Pain

noreply@blogger.com (Gloria Doty) — Wed, 24 Jun 2015 18:07:00 +0000

Kalisha volunteers every Tuesday morning at a Christian preschool in our city. She loves being there and obviously, the feeling is mutual. She gets to read to a certain age group and we all know how much she enjoys that.
When she first learned to read, she would read a few sentences and then turn the book around to show the pictures to an imaginary audience of children.

This week, her schedule became unmanageable for her. Her BC, who always comes on Monday at 8:30, could not come until Wednesday at 11:20. Kalisha knew about this change for 2 weeks and was good with it. However, when her staff person who takes her to the preschool on Tuesday, called about an auto problem and could not come until Wednesday, things started downhill.

She agreed to going at 7:45 so she would be home for the second app't. but I should have said, "Why don't you think about this for a few hours before you agree." but I didn't.

She chose to go to bed later than she should have but was up at 6:45 to shower and dress. So far, so good...but not for long. She texted her staff person, telling her she needed to be home by 10:30 (no, she didn't) and making various excuses why she needed to be here.

I knew a train wreck was about to happen and I did not want that at the preschool.

She simply did not go to the preschool (this was agreed upon by BC, staff, me and Kalisha) and waited for her BC at 11:20.

Consequences for not keeping a commitment are loss of phone and computer for 24 hours. Painful, really painful for Kalisha. However, she didn't object; only to ask if I could let it slide just this once :). I did not and before you think I am a heartless person, here is the reason: I have let consequences slide a few times, but I know the next time there are consequences, she is quick to remind me, "You let it go last time."

Yep, not going there. Sorry.