Rabbi Brian's Religion-Outside-The-Box Blog: 77% Weekly

Wisdom and Serenity

2012-05-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

Take a moment to reflect on you.

Think about what’s going on, how you feel, and how it seems life is treating you.

Now, make a list of 5 things that are bothering you.

Just write down (or think about) anything that’s troubling, worrying, or irking you — whatever the case may be.

(For some of you, it should be fairly easy to create this list.)

Five things that are bothersome to me:

(If you can’t come up with 5 items, don’t sweat it, 2 will do just fine.)

Do you have your list? Good.

Pinpoint one of these bothersome issues.

Now answer a very simple question: Can it be changed?

Whatever your issue is — whether it’s something that is happening now, will happen in the future, or took place in the past — can you change it? Are you capable of affecting it somehow? Is it possible for you to alter its outcome?

The answer here is either “yes” or “no.”

Either it can be changed, or it cannot.

Yes or no.

If it’s a “no” and that particular bothersome thing on your list can’t be changed, do you have the fortitude to accept it? Can you tolerate this fact in your life for what it is, whether you like it or not?

I need to take a moment to elaborate. When a loved one dies (or something else majorly bad happens), certainly there is nothing you can do to change it. Accepting that it happened doesn’t mean you have to like it or that you should say, “Hey-ho,” pick yourself up, and get on with life. Accepting means fully acknowledging the reality of what is, even if you don’t like it. Here’s a bit of a lengthy, but thorough definition of acceptance:

Acceptance is not abetting, advocating, agreeing, aiding, approving, assisting, authenticating, authorizing, backing, complying, concurring, confirming, consenting, cultivating, encouraging, endorsing, furthering, liking, maintaining, permitting, promoting, ratifying, reinforcing, sanctifying, supporting, or sympathizing. Acceptance is saying, “It is what it is, and what it is, is what is.”

The question in the above isn’t if you like it, but, if you can’t change it, can you accept it?

Going back to your bothersome issue — if that particular thing in your life can be changed, does changing it from “irksome” to “less irksome” require you to take action? Often, the idea of effecting even a little change is somewhat scary. The follow-up question here is, will you do it anyway?

Now, go through the same process with the other 4 annoyances on your list. For each item, ask yourself if you can change it. If not, are you willing to accept it? And, if so, are you are willing to accept it fully?

I sometimes use the discussion above to introduce the topic of philosophy to middle and high school students. I tell them: Knowing the difference between what can and cannot be changed is the roots of wisdom. By the end of these talks, the students understand that “a love of wisdom” (a translation of the Greek philosophia) is truly beneficial to their lives.

Analyzing problems in this way is really just a step-by-step interpretation of the Serenity Prayer — a beautiful text attributed to theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, who is said to have written it in 1934.

Here’s the prayer (and remember, it doesn’t really matter if you believe in an active, external deity or not — the words of a prayer are about changing the person who prays):

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

A wonderful petition, no?

Spiritual-religious advice: Be wise, accept, and have courage.

Children and Religion

2012-04-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

My son, when he was 3-years-old saw a man standing on the top of a building and asked me, “Is that man God?”

“I don’t think that’s God,” I replied.

“Yes, I think it is God,” Emmett said.

Was I to disagree? I didn’t know.

Would it be wrong to tell him that the man standing on the roof was a repair-maintenance guy, and not God? Would it matter?

This incident reminds me of a question I’m commonly asked. I receive a lot of emails that go something like this:

Dear Rabbi Brian, I understand this idea of questioning God and having an adult relationship with God. I can get behind that. But how do I apply this notion to my children? I want to do the right thing. I want to give them some religious background. But what do I tell them?

I’ll be the first to admit I’m not an expert at parenting. Although I’m working on it daily, I’m not there yet. My kids are young, and I’m still pretty new at this. (My brilliant friend Noa quips, “I was a great parent before I had kids.”)

Even when my children are older, I doubt I’ll be an expert on how to raise them – let alone how to handle the issue of kids and religion.

Although I obtained one Masters in Religion and another Masters in Education with a concentration in the spiritual-religious development of adolescents, this doesn’t mean I’m an authority on the topic. But what I can tell you is this: nobody is an expert.

There are no longitudinal studies giving any solid advice for parents. Although a few studies have been conducted on the ‘typical’ development of God beliefs from childhood to adulthood, there’s nothing in academic world telling us how parenting or different communities affect a child’s religious beliefs.

No one has a clue if having a Christmas tree or not having one, believing in the tooth-fairy or not, or having a Mormon neighbor has any correlation to a child’s ability to develop a healthy spiritual-religious life when they are older. (Studies do suggest that having a weakened or broken relationship with a father lead to a desire to delve into religion, but that’s about it.)

This leads me to suggest to parents: you are the expert. It’s your child. You are your child’s guide. Do the best you can.

Here are my general guidelines:

· Be honest with your child. Tell them you don’t have all the answers, and that any answer must come from inside of them.

· Allow your child to have different beliefs than you at different times in their life. They’ll go through stages. Don’t tell them what to believe. Instead, allow them to explore. Allow them to ask questions.

· Be a model for them. Show them it’s OK to struggle with God beliefs. Tell them “not knowing” is fine.

· Encourage them to ask other people what they think. Inspire them to ask other adults, “What do you think about God?”

· For that matter, I encourage you to ask other adults what they think about God. If you are bold enough, do it openly instead of hiding behind your child. Instead of saying, “Little Jimmy was wondering...” say “Jimmy and I were wondering...” Or better yet, say “I was wondering.” That’s real modeling.

I know as parents, we want only the best for our children. We want our kids to grow up and live in a world where they can clearly distinguish right from wrong, good from bad, God from non-God. We want certainty and solutions, but sometimes this is not possible. With regard to all the impossible questions, there are only different levels of comfort in the discomfort of unknowing.

The worst thing I or any other religious person can do is undermining you as the foremost authority on your child’s religious development. To downplay your own expertise would be a terrible thing.

Spiritual-religious advice: Be the expert for your child, and own your expertise.

I have so much love and compassion for anyone raising children, and for anyone reading this article.

Johnny, Sally, & the Duck: a modern parable.

2012-04-02T04:00:00.000-07:00

(This is article 5 out of 5 about freedom.)

I don’t remember where I first heard this story. It’s a modern parable about setting ourselves free:

Johnny, a little boy and Sally, his older sister, were visiting their grandparent's farm.

As a gift, Johnny was given a slingshot. He immediately ran off to practice in the woods, but found he could never hit his intended targets. Feeling discouraged, he headed back to the house for dinner.

Near the farmhouse, he saw his grandmother's pet duck. Impulsively, he let a rock fly from his slingshot. It hit the duck square in the head, killing it instantly. Johnny was shocked! In a panic, he frantically hid the dead duck, only to discover that his sister was standing not five feet away. She had silently witnessed everything.

After dinner, Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes." Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen."

Johnny did the dishes.

The next morning Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing. Grandma interjected, "I'm sorry but I need help preparing supper." Sally smiled smugly and said, "Johnny told me he wanted to help."

He squirmed, but she raised her eyebrows and then whispered, "Remember the duck?"

Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.

Over the next several days, Johnny found himself doing both his chores and Sally's.

Finally, he couldn't stand it any longer.

He confessed to his grandmother that he had killed her pet duck. She knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing. But because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."

Spiritual-religious advice: Set yourself free.