Lovable Hermit

I still haven't found what I am looking for.

2013-11-07T22:48:00.001+08:00

Seems like yesterday I write on my blog, but it is nearly a year ago. (10 more days to 1 year since I last updated my blog). Time flies. People said when you are older, time moves faster. This is certainly true.

The reasons for my neglecting this blog is due to I have nothing to write. Everything is mundane. No joy, no celebration, nothing new. My own career is shaky.

As the song tells it... - I still haven't found what I am looking for....

Job interview and /or dating

2012-11-18T18:12:00.003+08:00

There are two things which I hate very deeply. They are dating and job interview. Although both have two diffrent spelling and terms i really feel there are no differences in them. They are almost identical in meaning and process and set-up 99.9999%.    The only diffrence is that one of them is interviewing for a potential job holder and the other one is interviewing for potential position of boy-friend or girl-friend.

The reasons I desribe as similar are :

1. Potential interviewer that is the boss or manager of the company will not prefer someone is presently unemployed. They have the fear and no confidence to hire somebody who are unemployed thinking that, "well if he/she is good why are they not working now"   Similarly the potential man or woman will not prefer any person who is not attached now. A potential boyfriend will prefer a woman who is presently somebody's girl-friend compard to a woman who is completely single and unattached. It is for the same reasons, if she is good why still unattached. This makes the unattached woman very unattractive for the post of potential girl-friend. Better still or more attractive is that woman is married. Married carries the same weighting or rating as employed and are more marketable. Potential boyfriend will prefer you and regard you as more valuable, other things being equal.

I really hate dating and job interviewing. They are both equally stressfull and very drain of energy. Both of them also makes you feel like a victim and or a suspect being interrogated like hell. These are the reasons I seldom inerview unless very necessary to earn a living.

How blessed are the people who have the have a job that they are suitable and enjoying working with.   Like wise how blessed are couples who are very comfortable and loving towards one another. If there is a choice I really do not want to go through this wicked and suffering process.

My Christian faith journey

2012-10-28T23:49:00.002+08:00

Today, being Sunday, I go to sunday church service as usual. Somehow I felt that today, i like the sermon a lot. Anyway I enjoy the semon since my day one there. When I analyse the reasons why I like it, I guess it could be probably because I like History subject and sermons are mostly like History from the Bible. They are real stories which had taken place in the past many thousand of years ago.

I like and agree with what the pastors mentioned about a few statements ;

1. We are never in control of our life. God is in control. God has the power to give us wherever he likes and He has the power to take them back as well.

2. Destiny is the hand of God.

My instinct tell me that these are true. I cnnot agree more. I have many cases which I believe are all God's plan and God's gifts.

If I knew Christian's believe in fate, destiny and God's plan I would have earlier embrace Christianity. No need to wait till I am so old. What a wasted years.

Sick And Cure

2012-09-27T23:14:00.002+08:00

I have fever for 3 days with temperature around 38.9 C on Sat and Sun nites. This time I do not want to be so stupid to drag until 1 week to admit hospital. Prior to this I did go and see clinic doctor on Sat 22/9/12 but my condition do not improve.

On Monday morning 24/9/12 I check in hospital. I was worried whether it was dengue. However the doctor told me it would be easy if it were dengue. If not it would require further investigation. So a thorough body check up was done on me. Full analysis. Lucky to say that I have clean health with the exception of cholesterol 5.8. Ideally it should be below 5.2.

To cut the stories short, I had food poisoning. Following that I lose few kg till presently 52 kg.

Looking back now, I make some analysis from where the food poisoning come from. A night before I went to CG. I have lots of food there. I really unable to say which one it was from.

I have to be extra clean in all my dealings now. Be it with water, utensils, the food ingredients, towels and the rest. The pain from the fever and never ending toilet visits makes me really very dizzy and weak that day. With severe headache I can't even eat or think or look at anything.

Praise the Lord that I have recovered now completely. The doctor told me no further medicine is required. Only a balance diet, rest and exercise are required.

Cell Group (CG)

2012-08-18T21:59:00.001+08:00

I start going to CG since Feb 2012 somewhere near the Chinese New Year season. We have our CG every week except for first week of the month. As at todate I have not missed any of them

My friends are asking me if I will like to open my place for CG or not. Am still considering because inside my old house, I do not installed air-condition and I am wondering if it may be too warm for them. If the attendance is 100% there might be around 21 persons. I don't really mind much other criterias like my place is the least beautiful compared to theirs. So far I have been to total 8 (eight) houses. Another 2 still I haven't been, schedule to be in the next few months. The venue of the place are by rotation subject to the host's convenience. All of them are big new houses - 3 storeys mostly, bungalow and 1 new condominium. Wow. They really have much blessings from God.

We have many choices of food after the praying and discussions. Each of us bring our food to exchange liken pot luck based on a duty schedule.

Last night the host prepare laksa to treat us all. Spicy laksa which I ate one bowl. This one is also a 3 storey house with electric circuit camera and alarm system installed.

Not that I really enjoy in the CG, somehow these open my eyes and ears to new knowledge. Something I wouldn't know from my old faith.

As at todate not only I have no regret accepting Christ, I regret I have not accepted Christ earlier. The Bible alone gives so much knowledge.

Unfortunately, somehow the questions marks are, there are still lots of mysteries which I am unable to comprehend in life. Mysteries and intense competition /rivalries in almost every sphere of life

Missing something .......

2012-08-14T22:55:00.002+08:00

Some people like me for example has more emotion than the average people. No matter how much I was not happy in that place and that time, I still do miss it sometimes when I think over it. Such as my old working place. Only time may help me to have this sort of feelings fade and gone or maybe until I have a new working place. Gone are the days I stayed back for dinner at the coffee house and chat with colleagues. We talked about topic outside work.

When I visited them it sorts of brings me some memories though it was not a completely happiest one. A place that one time of my life I had spend with. This doesn't only applies to work place.

When I stepped to the old school I also have that similar feelings. I can feel that time has transform so many people so many events. The canteen looked so big in size compared to now though it is remained the same size physically. I got to run like hell to reach the canteen. And now we are all old.

The mystery of life is that I normally prefer what was over compared to the future. I love the past more than the future. Not sure whether this applies to everybody or not.

Can't help looking back and wondering again, "Why not a happier ending?"

Surviving through hard times - comparison

2012-08-14T14:14:00.004+08:00

My mind is never void. It is very active, never ending thinking and wondering all sorts aspects of live. One of the many thinking I am wondering is which of these lossess are most sad.

1. The lost of a husband through being taken away by other woman i.e divorces, or maybe by death through sickness or accident.

2. The lost of a job

3. The lost of a son, through sudden death, accident

4. The lost of a wife , either by following another man or maybe death.

5. The lost of huge amount money through scam investment.

6. The lost of boy-friend /girl-friend through a switch of the heart by the person.

How much we grief about any of them are based on how much we place importance of any of them

Those criterias are the amount of importance we place on them, the amount of love, the amount of affinity we have towards the object of lost. To one woman she may place a career her major importance far more crucial than the lost of a son. A son or child can be borned again if she is still within the fertile age.

Lost of job has a lot to discuss A normal job with a fair wage pay for a fair wage job. In most cases people do not like to resign unless in extreme situation where the person is asked to leave either directly or indirectly. Some will advise that "well it is only a job, maybe it is a blessing in disguise when the person found a new opportunity or new talent in their future job". Or maybe time to retire for good to rest happily ever after. This will depend on the financial standing on the person, the economic and social situation.   In some instances it could be the worry of the next meal, then this will be worse or equal to the lost of a member of a family. Life is normally tough.

The lost of a husband may be found again by replacing someone better in termsn of more caring and more wealthy.   On the other hand she may be happier too if the husband is a sadist or is good for nothing chap always finding fault at home. Or possibly she too has a secret boy-friend behind her husband. These too are all mysteries of life.

However to another person, their family is the first priority, the lost of a husband or son is almost the end of her life. It may takes years for heal to recover her grief. This is more so if she really loves her husband so much and has no intention of living alone and has no potential to find someone else.

So it is all arbitrary. Different people feel differently.   The dept of the feelings is not easy to quanitfied. Like the case of lost of money through scam investment. This too depends on the amount and also the remainder money that that person still has on hand and the amount of risk he/she willing to take.

All in all, they are all loses in various types and down moment of one's life.

Advices from past generation

2012-08-11T00:13:00.001+08:00

I want to document a few advices that I have read and also been informed by people. Few core advices from the olden days chinese are :

1. We must never trust anyone, including your loving wife, your respected husband, (reasons could be infidelities etc), your old serving servant (reasons, unexplainable threat, spies) , sons, daughters that may appear to look like filial externally, (more so when you are their soure of income) your siblings, parents and the list goes i.e. friends, bosses, co-workers, business associates and obviously some further distance away with no relations. eg suppliers, customers, rivalries, doctrines teachers and all others that I missed out.

I think this goes without much difficulty because we normally do not disclose all our information to the same person completely.

2. We never spent all our money that we earn. A certain portion has to be save for rainy days. Because most of the time when we are in hard times, our friends and relatives will tend to be busy and have no time to connect with you for fear of you borrowing money from them.

3. Never regret or feel sorry for whatever bad events that may occur to you, because whatever has happened has to be happened as it is written in the book of God.

4. Gambling is addictives, either you have won or you lose the game. Possibly more addicted if one has won. Eventually you will lose more than you won.

5. Only lend money to people to the extent you are afford to lose because chances are that you will never get back your money. This also applies even if you go through legal proceedings.

6. Take care of your well being as much as you can through proper diet, proper ethical discpline, proper rest and learning to let go of anger and hatred. The reasons is that once you are ill and sick, you will be suffering more than when you are poor financially. Besides medical cost are exorbitant high these days.

7. Our finite mind is unable to understanding everything by intellectual rationing. Even scriptures and religions are unable to explain everything rationally. Therefore most of the time we just got to close one eye or close one ear to our surrounding, less we will be feel more disappointed, resentful and upset.

8. Life is meant not to be taken extremely serious. We do not really knows what will happen say tomorrow, next week or in the future.

So enjoy it while it lasts.

1st Aug 2012

2012-08-01T21:33:00.000+08:00

Today mark the beginning of a new chaper of my life. I shall be very busy cracking and using my brain now. Studying is healthy to the brain and is a brain exercise. Life is pretty boring after so many years of routine.

How I wish i know the future so that i can be better prepare to plan accordingly. Life got to goes on. It is a busy day for me today, running errand to Kedai Telekom, and a few places. Hot weather too, too warm that I fall asleep in the afternoon.

Will see how then. With my effort and blessings hopefully i may smile again one day in the future

A day in July 2012

2012-07-17T10:40:00.003+08:00

So glad to meet up with old acqaintaces who are also not working. They also have quit their jobs due to some unahppy reasons like me. Most working places are like shit. The head or the people are mostly like devils. Some devils are very plain that you can at one instance recognise as devils. Some and a lot are more subtle, they look like angels and normal human being but are devils in disguise. These are more dangerous because it takes time to find out one.

Still I have no regret in resigning. I have told a few people about my hardship and they too agree that the one and only solution is to quit. This fucking work place are not meant for me. They were right, they knew I belong to the type that has high tolerance limit, patient, and multi tasking. Now that I have to run, better run. Not destined to be at this present organisation for long sadly.

Got to start my new life a new. Hopefully with blessing from the above, I can one day say to myself, "Luckily I am not stuck in that terrible place."

Suspicion, Doubt and Uncertainties

2012-07-08T17:32:00.000+08:00

To be suspicous, doubtful and uncertain about annother human is understandable because human is not without weaknesses, fickle-minded, absent-minded, egositics, greed, and anger.

However to have these 3 feelings towards God is something maybe I should learn more about the Book of God more. In today's sermon I learn about the power of prayer. I was told if we work, we work alone, If we pray God also works for us. We as Christian must side a set time for prayers daily.

And the phrases for the beginning of prayers must goes like this:

1. Hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Then followwed by whatever you are asking for.

The ending paragraph is "Nevertherless not my will but Thine be done"

In Nehemiah 1 and 2 , Nehemiah prayed for 120 days before there was any feedback.
It is not to be forgotten that prayer is not so much on getting from God as what we ask but more about taking from God's direction, wisdom and insight as to how we endure in our valley of darkness.

Older woman and younger man or any kind

2012-07-07T19:46:00.002+08:00

I don't really like to comment much about this realtionship because I believe all relationship are fated and destined.

The reasons I describe as fated and destined because if they are fated and destined to be together then definitely there will be a way for them to get to know each other, like each other and find ways to being with each other. From the outside we may not easily understand them, thus I accept them that all realationship are destined be it for short term ie. few months, few years or longer term i.e more than 10 years.

Do you ever think it is easy to love the same person all your life say for 50 years or 60 years. I am in doubt. Unless the other person understands and accept me for that long period of time with complete loyalty, I think I can. Which is near to impossible for such an ideal situation to happen to me. I have never been lucky before. Lucky as the way I want it to be.

Relaxing Saturday

2012-07-07T19:21:00.000+08:00

For the first time after several months, I have the chance to have a relaxing restful deep sleep. No more fearful of what I will be scolded of.

Spending alone at home is peaceful though some may regard me as weird and crazy. No stress and no pressure. I am too lazy to go anywhere because this demands money. And I try to minimise my spending till i have my next job. The cool weather makes me to cling inside the house and stay in this world infinitely. Nevermind if there is no electricity (this afternoon there is no electricity at my area) . I can lie down to nap and dream and fantasise and relax my mind whole year through from young till old. Fantasising about things that may not occur in reality, one can't imagine.

For the next few months I have to slog like hell on something. Something that I used to like a lot and now "re-establish" Wish that I have the brain, good memory, skill in writing and analysis to go through.

In order for it to be more achievable I think I have to forgo my interest in surfing internet, hehe. Surfing all sorts of websites from politics to documentary to facebook to cookery to music.

Too competitive at work place is bad for health. Working fast accurate and meet dateline is very bad for health.

Will see how then. Read from somewhere "God's plan for me is always better than my dream". Wow, if this holds true, I am sold.

1st July 2012

2012-07-01T22:35:00.001+08:00

Six months has passed by in 2012. I shall be starting a new chapter of my life soon. Intend to tender on 4th July. Wish that this another 3 days they do not find fault with me. The reason I drag to 4th is of course due to financial reasons.

I have a mixed feelings of happiness and sorrow. Happy because the stress and tiredness will be gone. Too much workload for me. If i were to really upto date the job, i will have to work more than 24 hrs per day just solely working in the office. 3 persons job for one. And the office environment during closing end month and beginning of the months is more tense then taking public examination in the examination hall. This is very bad for one's health. Got to go.

Being jobless is nothing new to me. I have been jobless a few times before when i was young. However this round as I am older, this is a stumbling block. Shall have anew stress or anxiety. Still I got no choice, I cannot carry on working there. This is fated. Luckily I am usually prudent in my spending and cut off all holidays. To prepare for this raining days.
Mean time I shall be doing something that may exercise my rusty coconut brain. ......something not common for old people like me to be do, to pass time and gain more knowledge.

I appreciate the old chinese people idioms, "The days are not everyday sunny, and the flowers are not everyday blooming," and follow by one consoling one, "One strand of grass sure got 1 drop of dew drops." These are applicable to me now at this point of time.

23rd June 2012 - online diary

2012-06-23T20:50:00.002+08:00

Though I have decided to quit my job, I still work very hard for them. For the past few days I have been working from 9:00 am till 9 pm something nightly. You may say that I am a fool. And I feel that I should do my best with full responsibility trying to update for them.    The mother fucker is so impatient of not receiving my resignation letters yet, giving more additional task to pressure me.

This is really a fucking bullshit world where people are trying to kill one another. In this case it is not by weapons but through a more subtle way. Hopefully next month is my last month with them.

I want to pursue something which i have long neglected due to financial constraint. I pray to God for making my brain still function and with good memory.

Today being a Saturday, of course I am happier, with less stress compared to normal full working day.   Slept like a log in the afternoon. This too is after i decided to call it quit. Prior to deciding to quit I have nightmares and worries that I cannot stleep even at 3:00 am in the morning. Those unnecessaries fears, sorrow and worries are coming to an end soon.

I foresee my weigh may reduce after I am no longer working.   Got to tighten my belt and reduce spending.   I look forward to church tomorrow ecause I like to listen to whatever that is preached by the Pastors. For unexplainable reasons I do not like nor enjoy the worshipping session.

My Instinct Is usually Correct

2012-06-21T22:44:00.002+08:00

My fear has materialised. I shall be not working soon. My boss makes my life very difficult. She asked me to do stock take fortnightly to every 3 days. The norm is once a month for all other organisations. She can't wait to receive my resignation letter, so got to resort to this ill-treated method. Thought I do not know, but I knew almost everything. She wants to make my life more miserable.

The mother fucker wants to protect herself because the food and beverage is too high. These are due to due to wastages and pilferage. The bitch is protecting her own incapability of preventing this, got to make me a scape goat to sacrifice as a failed controller.

How I wish she quickly contracted cancer. I think illness and disease are the one and only method to really tame and make good a person. The rest are bullshit.

I am also extremely happy tonight to hear that one of my old bad boss has contracted cancer back. He was cured for nine years and finally the cancer returns back. Serve him right for being a very conceited, proud, inconsiderate and unfair boss. Sometimes God is fair. Thank you. It is not that I am bad hearted but I was very cruel and shamefully mistreated. This kind of person we cannot feel a slightest pity or sorry for him.

Relationship: Complicated

2012-06-21T22:27:00.002+08:00

Every time when I see anyone describe their relationshop as complicated I feel agitated. Why does it neeed to be complicated?. If it were divorce, just say divorce,, possibly they feel embarassed about being divorcee. Some are maybe they are involve in a relationship with somebody's spouse. And they are unable to publicly say so. And maybe a few are involve with relationship of the same gender, they do feel ashame to say so, therefore got to use the term "complicated".

Actually it need never be any complicate, if you know that it is unwise or not legally to involve in that relationship why makes it so hard to be involve so. Find some part partner of different gender instead of same gender. Find a single persons instead of somebody's wife. They are just being naughty.

No harm admitting if you in love with other people's wife or husband, many billion others are in the same boat. Worse, some are involve with their brother-in-laws or sleep with their sister-in-laws, , etc

My favourite hymn

2012-05-22T22:06:00.000+08:00

Deeply in love with this song. I do not like all the contemporary songs sang in my church.I like only one traditional hymn which i found in You tube.

The lyrics is short and meaningful that I can easily remember it. Have listened a hundred times yet never felt a slightest bored about it.

Lunch For One

2012-02-11T14:58:00.006+08:00

The above dishes are 1. Asparagus fried tau joo with fresh shitake mushroon, garlic and carrot

2. Ikan Keli masak "chuan chuan" (Ikan keli is "toh sat" in Hokkien)

Ingredients for Ikan Keli masak chuan chuan are

1. garlic mince
2. Ginger slices and mince thinly
3 1 no. big onion
4. 1 no. tomato
5. 2 tbs preserved beancurd mashed. Tumis ginger dan garlic. Goreng bawang. 1 cawan air dituangkan ke kuali. Bila mendidih bubuh ikan yang telah dipotong. Renih lebih kurang 8- 10 min. Keluarkan dan hias.

Couple's Photos.

2012-02-08T23:11:00.006+08:00

I can read it from the photos. I can see how their feelings from the photos. This is especially accurate from couple's photos. I can tell how much depth is their love for one another through the picture of them. Not that I brag, i think most people's also can read very accurately from the pictures. The photos show their feelings and emotions of the respective partner's at that particular point int time. A fake smile or a reluctant together taken pictures all that can never hide from me. I have seen some who are so protective over their other halves, some are like out of no choice, some are like being pleased with one another, that is "you are my world' etc.

The saddest is the one that don't even like to take picture with the boy/girl meaning that he/she does not want to be associated at all with the girl/boy, or doesn't like to look close with the other party. All these I can easily understand because I have been around in this world for long period of time.

Why have I been wasting my time? I am qualified to be a part-time fortune teller.

** This short article is write up due to my inspiration by the couple's photos contest which i read from the facebook.

Networking and fellowship

2012-02-05T20:03:00.003+08:00

It is high time for me to interact more with people although I do not like it.

This coming Friday I shall attending my first cell group. In February 2011 I start going to church, coincidentally February 2012 I shall start to attending the church cell group much to my reluctant. The people there are clever enough to put forward to me the benefits of me joining a group. That I won't deny . On the other hand I am very scared. Scared of a few reasons. 1. Whether it may like a workshop or not. 2. Whether they will assess and evaluate me or not (This is confirm is to be).

Still I will try out a few times and I see the outcome. The Lord knew the importance of relationships.

Sick with fever

2012-02-02T21:12:00.005+08:00

Life is nothing without health. Without money one can still struggle to survive. Without health it is worse than death.

I have fever & flu for the past 2 day. Wished that it is just normal fever and will subside soon. Taking medicine seems not enough for me. I use coin to detoxify the ancient chinese style too. That is one use coin to press the veins so as to lower the temperature.

The weather is dry and hot makes it easier to get flu.

And I shall go to sleep early tonight.

My Ideal Life/ Concept

2012-01-30T22:03:00.017+08:00

Ideally if there is a choice, I would have wanted to get married at age around 18 year old. Marry to one good man in character. Easy, simple and not ugly. Then 80 years down the road, both of us still in love with each other, still support each other. Still possess one another. Gazing at each other eyes, knowing in full confidence that we really want one another with full passion. Everything else are secondary and set aside. We don't be bothered about what around us; eg any political turmoil, earthquake, Tsunami, stock exchange crashes, which actor/actress commit suicide or give birth, war etc.

We listen to this song together be it at a candle light dinner or simply at a concert or maybe from the disk as below : "Look At Us" by Vince Gill

The lyrics and the melodies are so soothing to the ears that I like to listen to this song again and again.

Call me a dreamer if you like, but this is truly my idea of an ideal life. Where got life and luck fair to me??.

The Autumn Leaves

2012-01-29T21:35:00.007+08:00

At this time of the year, the leaves are falling down. While I was clearing them, I am very much reminded of this old song of Nat King Cole, "The Autumn Leaves"
** Take note the colourful and picturesque view of the video.

Steamed Chicken

2012-01-29T20:17:00.003+08:00

This is the steamed chicken that I steam for myself. Steaming is relatively easier compared to other method of cooking. The ingredients are :
1/2 no. of chicken
thinly sliced ginger, carrot
cilantro ,
spring onion
light soya sauce
oyster sauce, sugar

Quantity all depend on individual taste and liking. I like to steam it just cooked or preferably 3/4 cook, so that the meat of the chicken is still tender and soft. Usually not more than 15 mins.