Fubar'ed

2015-04-29T21:26:00.001-04:00

I've spent most of the last month rebuilding http://www.raymondrodgers.com from the ground up; I expect that all of my future general purpose blogs will be posted there instead of here, so scoot!

An Open Letter to Titus Young Sr.

2013-01-24T10:09:00.000-05:00

I intended to just send this to you on Twitter, but it was impossible to say in just 140 characters. So, I'm resorting to something a little broader, and, sadly, less likely to be read. If you read it, I hope you take it to heart, if not... Well, whatever.
First of all, thank you for what you did do as part of the Lions, that benefited the team. You are an excellent receiver and were a dangerous receiver to ignore. Whenever Calvin was being double or triple covered, you were a prime target for Matthew's throws, and, more often than not, you made the reception and picked up the yards. Hell, I'm still amazed by that hail Mary last year that you caught tipped off the other players and scored on! So let me say again, thank you for what you did do for the team.
But you obviously have some problems accepting that you're part of a team, not the star of it. Some teams are built around individual players and their abilities, some are ensembles of stars that work together to perfection, and some are just patchworks that barely function at all. I watched, along with the rest of Detroit and the nation, as the Lions fell from the second one to the third as injuries took their toll and some players just decided to piss their careers away. Guess which one you were?
I didn't get up this morning with the intention of writing this letter. In fact, the Lions weren't even on my mind until I stumbled across an official Lions post on Google+ that was discussing your tweets from earlier this week. Until then, I had been reasonably indifferent about your situation; I had hoped that you and the team would work out your differences and that you'd return in the Spring, Summer and Fall,and everything would just go on. This isn't the first time a NFL team has had a problem with a player. So I visited your Twitter feed to see what you had been saying for myself, and while I didn't see the tweets mentioned by Mike O'Hara, the ones I did see inspired this response to you. So, here's the real meat of what I wanted to say to you...

No Player Gets The Ball Every Time

In the text of my original tweet to you, I was going to say that even Barry Sanders didn't run on every play. In his time with the Lions, there were two great receivers as well, Herman Moore and Brett Perriman, that set records of their own. Even when Barry was in the back field, he was often used as a decoy to open up the receiver corps as he was to actually run the ball. But I decided that while that spoke to my point, it was better to use terms that are more pertinent to your situation.
Calvin Johnson was, by far, the best receiver of the 2012-2013 season but even he wasn't thrown to on every single play. There were games in which he was only thrown at 5 or 6 times, while you or another teammate picked up the slack. Some say Matthew should have always thrown to Calvin, regardless of how many people were covering him, but that's not how you play the game. You more often than not play the percentages; if Titus Sr. has fewer people covering him, he has a higher chance of success, so throw to him instead. And that happened a lot. That's the advantage of playing as an ensemble: when the "star" isn't available, the others on the team are capable of making up for him. In the case of football, that means that the team has a better chance of winning because they can put the ball into the hands of their other stars, such as yourself. You were a promising part of the team, and I was just as happy to see you catch a ball as I was Calvin. Actually, probably more because that meant we actually had a team, not a few stars playing with a team.
But then again, you started lining up for routes that weren't yours. Passes that were thrown to where you should have been went uncaught or were intercepted. You weren't playing as part of the team, you were playing for yourself. I saw someone on Twitter call you selfish, and that was true. You did get to be selfish and started acting childish. I don't even know why you started lining up in the wrong place when you were being thrown to more than Calvin... That just made no sense. Ultimately, you benched yourself. The coaches don't want a player that's not going to play as part of a coordinated team. You should know this by now! How many years have you played football? Years in college certainly, and I presume the same in high school... So why are you not understanding that the team comes first? Are you suffering from a Messiah complex? Do you think you can single-handedly save the Lions? I think the only person that stands a reasonable chance of doing that is Jim Schwartz, but even then, that's not a high percentage chance in my book...
The team was really looking good at the start of the season, but through injuries and a lot of heartbreak, it fell apart towards the end. Ironically, some of the best teamwork of the season was in the last few games where heart mattered more than the score. You weren't there because you put yourself out. You could have made the difference in those games, but you were too busy thinking about how great you are. You are good. You were Calvin's Perriman to his Moore, but you really don't deserve to play with him any more. As badly as the team did last year, you don't even deserve to play for the Lions any more. We --- the fans, the team, the City of Detroit --- believed in you, and, at least for now, it seems that was misplaced. You decided you didn't need to be a team player, a part of the ensemble. So for now, I wish you luck in finding that NFL franchise that will build a team around you and your abilities; I wish you a lot of luck and success. As for me, I want a team built on an ensemble, exactly what Schwartz had built and is continuing to nourish. Right now, I can't see you being a part of that.
Barry Sanders isn't remembered because he was given the ball on every play; he's remembered for what he did with the ball the few times he did get it, and especially for his humility. I suspect Calvin will be remembered in the exact same way. You could learn a lot from them.

Perhaps it is Time to End

2012-12-18T13:16:00.001-05:00

I wouldn't exactly call myself pessimistic. I'd say pragmatic, usually, with a hint of optimism. While I always look at the negative aspects of any situation, it's more a matter of trying to figure out what pitfalls we may need to avoid before we get to them rather than thinking and expecting that everything's going to go south. Call it a proactive problem solving and preparedness tendency. I prefer smooth sailing, and so I look to anticipate the troughs and be prepared for them, even if I can't avoid them. It's not always possible or achievable, but it's my outlook. I want the easy, happy days just as much as anyone else, but I know those days are few and far in-between.
There are those beautiful days, when no one kills another person, when no one gets shot, stabbed, or robbed, when the government is actually interested in its citizens, and those citizens are actually good to one another. There are those beautiful days when children look up in awe at their parents, thinking they're as perfect as anyone could possibly be, and those very same parents are looking back at their children in utter amazement, thinking the same thing. There are those days when two people, regardless of gender and sexual orientation and race and religion, look at one another and realize that they don't want to be with anyone else in the world. Ever. There are those beautiful days when enemies find common ground and can laugh together at the same joke, because deep down, they both know they really want the same things.
But those days seem to becoming even more rare than they already were.
Early this year, I was inspired to write a short story that I haven't yet finished. My original attempt at capturing it didn't feel right to me, and so I've been searching for a way to rewrite it for much of the year. The premise is that one man is charged by God (regardless of the reader's particular religious beliefs) to determine whether the world should go on or end. If he decides that it should end, the end begins immediately, no waiting. Oddly, I feel as if this burden has shifted to my own shoulders.
I started writing this story back in April, long before the Batman shootings in Aurora, Colorado, and long before the stabbings in China and the shootings at Newtown, Conneticut, but I was certainly thinking of incidents like those that my main character had to weigh against the beautiful days like I mentioned above. I had long since tired of the political campaigns that have raged over the last 18 months, when our leaders thought the best way to prove their worthiness to run our nation was to cut one another down, when it was easier to come up with lies and negative spins than it was to come up with solutions and offer to work together. I had long tired of those smiling faces dancing in front of the cameras to get our votes because they wanted to be in the history books rather than legitimately trying to fix the problems our nations face, the problems that our people deal with on a daily basis. Isn't it odd that people care more about money than they do about the health and well being of other people, especially their fellow countrymen? How shallow they seem when they then rush out to start charity drives and raise donations for emergency relief when a disaster strikes, but during the other 99% of the time, they don't give a damn if those people live or die...
The problem with the people in this world is that they are increasingly self-centered, with little or no regard to how their actions affect other people. People simply don't care what happens to anyone else any more. Reality shows propagate that even more; most of the time the "stars" of these shows are put in contrived situations to see how they react, and most of the time they try to do the most outrageous things possible to make themselves into celebrities. The worst part is that people watch these shows and propagate that behavior even further, and because those are "reality" shows, people think they're real, and that that's how life really is.
As much as I hate to think it, let alone say it, I'm really starting to believe that people, especially the youth in America, are losing sight of the difference between true reality and the fiction of reality shows, "found footage" films, viral videos, and video games. I've fought against that argument for many years, because I thought you'd really have to be an idiot to not know the difference, but it seems to becoming a bigger issue all the time. I'm not going to link these mass shootings to any of these things, but every time one occurs, people bring that up... Perhaps it's true... Perhaps these people think that people will simply respawn after some cooldown timer expires...
So, in a round about way, this brings us to the mental health issue. I just finished reading an article on CNN, "Anarchist Soccer Mom Cries Out For Help", which discusses a blogger that is afraid of her son and recently had him committed. The article points out that people are both supporting her and attacking her for her decision, but the fact of the matter is that we don't do enough in this country to support one another's physical well being, let alone mental well being. Any time someone brings up universal health care for American citizens, people start screaming "socialism!" and acting as if the world is about to end. Well maybe it should end. If you can't care about the people living on the streets of your own city, state, and country, then maybe we don't deserve to have that country. When this country was founded, admittedly on the backs of slaves and across the bodies of the indigenous populations, those founders looked after one another, seeing to the health of all of those in the [accepted] communities. That was a socialist tendency. Get over it! Until World War II, the United States had a socialist party, and essentially the only reason we despise socialism so much today is because of the examples that came about 70+ years ago: Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union, countries that were or became our enemies. Instead, we cling blindly to the belief that capitalism is better; that it's better to work hard, feed the military industrial complex, the oil companies and the insurance companies, and scream that these things make us better!
What made us better was that we were willing to look out for one another. We were willing to join together to overcome our problems, to find solutions, and even just share a meal. People weren't willing to just let others in their community go without because they had no money. People were willing to bend over backwards to help one another. But that time has passed. People don't want to make sure that there's a roof over every American's head unless there's a profit in it. People don't want to help a sick person get well unless they can get a dollar out of it or demonstrate how charitable or generous they are on television. And no one wants to help the mentally ill or those that could just use a few hours a week speaking to a mental health professional because of the stigma involved.
Liza Long did the right thing in committing her son; there's no way around it. I wish Adam Lanza had gotten the help he needed. I wish James Holmes had gotten more help. I wish my countrymen cared enough to stop bitching about socialism and start giving a damn about their fellow countrymen; perhaps enough to see to it that we all get healthcare and education. People have said in the past that we're the richest, most prosperous and most powerful nation on the Earth, but, if that's still the case these days, the reason is because this country is full of selfish assholes crying over profits. The Republican party likes to scream over the national deficit that we're leaving behind for our children, but they say nothing over the deficit of compassion that's being propagated through our society as people are left to struggle to survive let alone stay healthy. Generally, their idea of making the country better is to enrich the rich, make the corporations powerful, take away women's rights, restrict the minorities' right to vote, and let the middle and lower class fight among themselves for survival. I'm surprised they haven't proposed the return of gladiatorial combat, allowing the non-rich to fight to the death for scraps of health care and education... Shit, I should delete that before they introduce a bill on that idea...
With a deep breath, I apologize for delving into politics. I didn't want to go there, but I feel it was necessary since "liberals" like me are always screaming about "entitlement programs" and healthcare. I just think this country is morally bankrupt when we start talking about the economy making this a great country rather than the principles that this country was founded on. The founders of this country didn't particularly want anyone to suffer. If they were around today, I guarantee you that each and every one of them would be in favor of better healthcare and education for all Americans.
As it is... I don't know... I'm at a point where I think that this world probably deserves to end, that I almost wish that the doomsayers that foolishly believe the world will end this Friday were actually going to be right... I'm not going to do anything to try to bring that about, but despite the promise that our people, all people, have, I really don't see any good reason why we should go on. Maybe God will bring about a new plague, one that wipes out all the world's adults, sparing the children and, through His grace, allows them to grow up to be better people than we are.
Perhaps it is time to end.

Apple, Microsoft, Google & Others: END THE PATENT WAR NOW!!

2012-07-02T14:03:00.001-04:00

Look, we get it, each company wants to be successful and ultimately be the dominant player in the mobile phone arena. Microsoft, you've got Windows Phone which showcases your ideas on what a smartphone should be. Apple, your products have always been innovative and well thought out and well implemented. Google & the Android camp, you've got the momentum, the ability to rapidly improve and adapt, and the open source movements to bolster Android devices. And all of you, Microsoft, Apple, Google and the Android army are all doing one thing extremely well: pissing all of us the hell off!!

Patents are a key to maintaining intellectual property and protecting its enclosed ideas. We outsiders understand that and recognize that without patents, a lot of the advances we enjoy every day might not have been possible because there might be too many competing technologies on the market to enable advancements based on them to develop. But that can hardly be the case with operating systems, mobile or otherwise.

Face it, you all have stolen or borrowed ideas not only from one another, but from your predecessors. And I'm especially aiming that comment at Microsoft and Apple! But what you guys are doing right now isn't about protecting your business, it's about hurting the other guy. This patent war is barely accomplishing even that! What you don't realize is that you're hurting your customers! Most of what you are suing one another over is prior art, common sense, or the reasonable evolution of an idea that likely didn't even have its origin with your companies.

What it's mainly doing is pissing off all of your current and potential customers. Apple and Microsoft: you make many consumer products outside of the smartphone market that you're probably hurting your own sales of those products as well future smartphone sales as you alienate Android enthusiasts. While most Android manufacturers simply tout their product and try to keep to themselves, others, like Samsung, have taken an aggressive stance in their advertising campaigns deliberately targeting iPhone users. While it's hard for me to paint Android as an antagonist in this war, simply an entity defending itself, it's obvious that some of the things that Android developers and manufacturers have done have been deliberately provocative.

Then again, isn't that the whole idea of competition in the capitalist market? Anytime someone implements a similar feature is implemented in Android, lawsuits start flying. Never mind that the same features have been implemented in desktop OSes or in iOS and Windows Phone without triggering the same lawsuits. The bottom line is that rather than competing and relying on the superiority of your implementation, you unleash a team of lawyers.

Give the people you claim you're serving a break, and stop this damned patent war!!

Update 7/9/2012: I'm not exactly the only one thinking this way... http://www.tomshardware.com/news/patent-lawsuit-judge-Richard-Posner-patent-system-broken-reform,16220.html and http://www.bbc.com/news/technology-18736415

To Write or Not To Write

2012-06-05T09:47:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I stumbled across an opportunity to write for a website that's just starting up. The site's subject is something I'm reasonably knowledgeable about and I happen to have written blog posts on the subject. The problem, at the moment, is that the position wouldn't be a paid position unless the website gets to be successful.

I can do this theoretical job, easily, and probably be one of their best writers, but the question is do I want to divert my desired career path long with the hopes of getting paid when I have no income and plenty of free time to write as I please? This job could lead to cash a lot sooner for me and represents additional experience I could use, but then again, the website could utterly fail...

Decisions, decisions...

So... That's Done...

2012-05-03T13:20:00.001-04:00

As of this past week, I'm a college graduate with a Bachelors in Cinema Studies. What this means is that I'm now qualified to formally analyze films in terms of mise-en-scene, themes, style, narrative, and other filmic elements. Oddly, this has little to do with my desired career as a filmmaker, let alone as a screenwriter.
But the tools I've acquired can and will have an effect on that career. I fully intend to apply them to my own work, in-progress and afterwards, to improve the quality of my work, and ultimately improve the quality of the pictures you see.

Dodge Dart sighted?

2012-03-14T08:55:00.001-04:00

Once again while driving to Oakland University I spied a vehicle that isn't exactly commonplace in American society yet. What was obvious from a distance was that it was a Dodge vehicle but I couldn't spot any model name on it as we drove north on I-75 towards Chrysler's headquarters.

I wasn't sure if my eyes were playing tricks on me or not, then I remembered the new model introduced at the North American International Auto Show in January: the Dodge Dart. I promptly looked it up after I parked at OU and I'm about 95% certain that I saw one of the new Darts on the road, not even in the eye irritating camouflage that Chrysler has used for other pre-release vehicles.

Does this mean the Dart launch is imminent?

April 6th: King Julian Day!

2012-03-14T00:26:00.001-04:00

Celebrating the world's most famous and beloved noble, King Julian Day is nearly upon us once more. The traditional method of honoring his royal lemur-ness is to act silly and sing "I Like To Move It" at the top of your lungs, even if you only know the following lyrics from the song:

I like to move it, move it
I like to move it, move it
I like to move it, move it
I like to
MOVE IT!

Beyond these requirements, you are only expected to make the best of your day and be friendly to everyone, especially those jealous of your awesomeness. So spread the word and joy that King Julian Day is nearly upon us once again!

Lions vs Packers 2011 Round Two

2012-01-02T11:08:00.001-05:00

Ok, yesterday, on New Year's Day, the Green Bay Packers beat the Detroit Lions again. There's no way around that fact. It's immutable. The final score was Green Bay 45, Detroit 41.

So far, however, people in the news business aren't really commenting on a couple key points of this game.
They all point out that Green Bay's backups beat the Detroit starters, and that Green Bay outscored Detroit, but none are really pointing out that the referees completely blew a call that would have resulted in an additional Detroit touchdown in the second quarter: Titus Young successfully caught the ball in the end zone with one foot down already and dragged his other foot in-bounds before falling out of bounds. It was a touchdown. The home audience saw it. The play-by-play reporters saw it and called it as such. Both coaches saw it, but the refs decided that it wasn't a touchdown. Oddly, a few plays later, a Green Bay reception under similar conditions was ruled a catch. That play alone would have made the difference in the game, but was completely neutralized and unchallenged.

The refs in general seemed to be biased against Detroit in the first half. On two separate occasions to the the "touchdown that never was" a Detroit ball carrier who was obviously down by contact had the ball come free, and on both occasions it was ruled as a fumble by the refs. Coach Jim Schwarz was right to challenge both of those calls, but only one was overturned even though both were obviously not fumbles: the carrier had been down, and the ball came free after he was down.

But you know what? I'm not going to whine or complain any further about the officiating. At this point, I want to remind everyone that yesterday, the Detroit Lions nearly beat the previously 14-1, defending Superbowl champions in their hometown. More or less the same team that finished last year with a 6-10 record, came up a few points shy of beating the theoretically best team in the league. The Lions scored more victories in this season alone than they did in the prior three seasons combined! Green Bay was expected to win yesterday's game by everyone, but they were nearly beaten by a team few expected to have a winning season this year.

Much is being made of Matt Flynn's record setting day yesterday, but what about Matthew Stafford's? Not counting the failed touchdown throws (which would have tied and exceeded Flynn's 6 on the day; lets not forget that Calvin Johnson dropped what would have been another wide-open pass for a touchdown), Stafford threw for 5 successful touchdowns which was a Lions' record if I'm not mistaken, and 520 yards in a single game — a definite Detroit record! Yesterday's game set all sorts of records for the NFL and both clubs, but only Flynn seems to be getting recognized for his efforts. Stafford threw for more yards yesterday than Flynn did, but the difference is that Flynn won and is a backup quarterback, where Stafford lost and is the starter. You know what? That's bulllshit! It doesn't matter if you're the starter or backup in the NFL, a killer game is a killer game, and should be recognized whether you win or lose. Once you factor in that the defending Superbowl champions' backup is as good as any starting quarterback in the league, then you have to drop the idea that their "backups" beat the Detroit starters.

The raggedy Detroit Lions nearly beat the superbowl champions. Period. No it doesn't really matter that it was a close game as far as the stat books are concerned; a loss is a loss, and a win is a win, but all the official sports news reporters really need to look at it for what it was: the Defending Superbowl Champion Green Bay Packers Nearly Lost to the Detroit Lions!

A Busy Summer

2011-09-01T23:56:00.000-04:00

This summer, I got a job for OU's radio station, WXOU, redesigned their website, participated in 6 films including one of my own, won a screenwriting competition, edited my film and submitted it to Sundance, and submitted my winning screenplay to a film production company. What have you done? :)

"Right and Wrong" Screenplay: Contest Winner!

2011-06-25T01:33:00.000-04:00

In April, Dr Kyle Edwards, director of the Cinema Studies program at Oakland University announced the 2010-2011 Writing Competition. The contest was divided into two categories, screenplays and essays. I entered the screenplay I wrote in my Screenwriting class during the Winter I had just finished.
Although I had moments of self-doubt, I had a feeling from the moment I submitted it that I'd win.

I found out on Friday, June 24th, that's exactly what happened: I won first place in the screenplay side of things! Interestingly enough, a friend of mine won second place in the essay portion! God I love writing!

For the interested, the short story version is available for about $1.00 on the Kindle and the Nook!

Untitled

2011-05-01T10:12:00.004-04:00

也许爱的希望破灭，
永远是真实的。
然而，无论是成本，
我是真的爱你。

A Thousand Steps A Day, A Thousand Days To You

2011-04-22T23:32:00.000-04:00

Some days are easier than others. Some days I only need to see your smile to feel fulfilled, sustained. Some days, I only need to know that you're out there, and that you might be thinking of me. I know we haven't yet discussed our future, but on these days I can feel that we have a future.
Then there are other days, those like today. While it's true that we've exchanged kind words this day, it has been fairly difficult for me to make it through this day. Today, this moment, I could use your company, but you're far, far away.
There are a thousand steps in each day. A thousand problems. A thousand difficulties. A thousand struggles. Each day, I make my way through these things, doing the best I can to solve them. Most of the time, the battles I fight are simple ones: solving problems, doing homework, getting to class on time. Then there are the big battles: the ones where I wonder about you, who you're seeing, what you're doing, and whether you care about me the way I care about you. I fight the battles of self-doubt daily, and I try to assure myself that if you didn't love me, you'd have told me to leave you alone. Sometimes I win those battles, sometimes I don't.
Either way, I endure those battles, those steps, one at a time, a thousand times a day.
Each day, I want to point you out, and make it clear to everyone that it's you I love. Each day is in itself a step towards the future, a step closer to the earliest day I can see you again.
Each day, each filled with a thousand steps, gets me closer to you. It's already been more than a thousand days since I last saw your smiling face in person, and it feels like it'll be a thousand days until I see it again. But I swear to you, that unless you don't wish to see me, that it will be less than 100 until that day arrives.
Each day is still a thousand steps. Each day is a thousand battles. I will endure them. I will fight the battles. I will win where I can, and I will suffer where I can't. But I will see you again, and we shall see what we shall see.

Going All In

2011-04-14T17:07:00.000-04:00

I don't know if I mentioned this before, here at least, but a short script I wrote for the OU Filmmaker's Guild was selected for production. Next week we'll be holding auditions, and shooting in the second half of May. I hold no illusions that this will make me rich — there's no money involved in this at all! — but it's a good start towards what I want to do professionally. I'll let you know more as it happens, but I've set up a blog specifically for my insights of the film making process at http://allin.anevilgeni.us.

Know Thy Heart

2011-04-03T23:41:00.001-04:00

"To thine own self be true" Polonius said to his son Laertes in Hamlet meaning that one should always be honest to him or her self. One can interpret that to mean to be true in your dealings with yourself as well as others, but I choose to simplest, and perhaps most honest, interpretation: to know and understand myself.

I long ago pledged to be the best me I could be. Many times I've chosen honesty over lies even when the outcome would not be favorable to myself. Many times I've stayed true to my word when I could have gotten away with breaking it. I would be a liar indeed if I swore that I've always done these things. But I have managed to maintain the scales in such a way that I have done more positive, more honest works in this world than I have done negative, and I will continue to do so.

I do it not because I desire to be better than anyone else. I'm not, and never shall be. I feel temptation and darkness just as everyone does. But I choose to try to do the right thing because it's right, and not for any reward. I choose to be a better me because it's what I want.

I know my heart, and I encourage you to know yours.

Hold Faith

2011-03-24T11:15:00.000-04:00

There's a lot going on the world right now. Wars, recovery from multiple earthquakes and tsunamis, "everyday" problems, and a lot of it seems bigger than life right now. There are positives and negatives at war in my own life, and in those of my closest family and friends. I can't solve everything, and often I feel like I can't even solve anything at all, but I'm holding faith that God will fix it all. God is almighty, God is all knowing, God is all merciful. Keep the faith, people! Keep the faith!

Right and Wrong

2011-03-14T11:27:00.000-04:00

My post at AnEvilGeni.us says it all!

8.9 Quake in Japan

2011-03-11T11:23:00.001-05:00

My thoughts and prayers go out to Japan in the wake of this massive earthquake and tsunami, and to all others affected and will be affected by the tsunami.

Good News for Me

2011-03-10T22:26:00.000-05:00

This is generally meaningless as it pertains to me, but it gives me hope about the career path I've decided to pursue. As you might have guessed from my previous post, I want to be a screenwriter. Well, my screenwriting teacher apparently just sold a script! The part that makes me a bit giddy is that she really likes my work...! So, get on with it! Throw me some freelance work!

Freelance Screenwriting

2011-03-09T22:25:00.002-05:00

Ok, since I have financial needs that aren't currently being met and I want and need experience, I'm making myself available as a freelance screenwriter. I'm not limiting myself to any particular genre, topic, or anything else and I'm willing to either do scripts solo or collaborate. If interested, please contact me via my An Evil Genius web site.

New Life

2011-03-06T10:09:00.000-05:00

When my marriage ended, I stopped believing that I could or would want to be in another relationship for the remainder of my life. A good part of me felt that because I gave it everything I had the first time around, that I couldn't find myself getting just as invested in another relationship. Or that I wouldn't want to. I more or less resigned myself to being alone, just as I had been before I met my ex.

While I've been surviving that way for the last few years, I can't honestly say I've been alive during that time. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not perfect, and one of the areas in which I'm weak is actually building relationships of any kind with other people. I'm a paradox: I desire strong bonds with others yet I'm somewhat incapable of building those bonds except with a relatively small group of people. That's why my friends are the best friends anyone could ever want, but also why I have so few. It's not that I'm not an easy person to get along with; I have a lot of acquaintances and people that I'm on really good terms with, but there are few with whom I share that critical bond. Knowing that, how could I possibly find another woman with whom I could establish that and an even stronger bond?

There's also my anti-social tendencies. I can't go any further without mentioning them. It's very rare for me to be mean to anyone, or even to just show my anger or dislike, but often when I'm in public I'm fighting an urge to get away from everyone around me. There's a strange kind of pressure that I feel in public that makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. This pressure seems to grow disproportionately to the size of the crowd; in a crowd of thousands, I can blend in, but in a group of a dozen or two, I feel like I stand out and that everyone is aware of me. And not in a good way. It makes me want to crawl into a shell and hide. So can you imagine how I feel one on one?

I said that to say this: if I feel like hiding in an average sized group, and I really, really feel uncomfortable in a one on one situation, how could I possibly find the strength and courage at my age to date again? To go out and find that special woman that I could spend the rest of my life with?

That's been the crux of my expectations that I would be alone for the rest of my life. Yes, I know these are some serious psychological issues, and I've been aware of them and working on them myself (by myself) for decades. As anyone can see by the fact that I have been married, I have lead a fairly good life in public, and that I am getting ready to head into my senior year of college (nearly 20 years late) that I am capable of overcoming my weaknesses and failings. Having the strength to do so is sometimes a challenge, but I do it regularly. So why did I doubt that I could do it again for something so important?

I was tired. I looked to the future and saw myself declining in every way imaginable, and I couldn't see myself getting strong enough to overcome my issues enough to find anyone else. That's not even counting how a potential mate might see me, so I was ready to give up on that part of my life. Now, in the interests of full disclosure, that doesn't mean I actually did give up: I joined a dating site or two, and I've made some good and important friends at Oakland University, but there wasn't and isn't a single woman among them that I thought I might have a future with. I could still be wrong, the future is ever shifting, but at least at the moment, it doesn't matter.

The reason it doesn't matter, is that God had other plans for me. Out of my past, a young woman that I had established a strong bond with, came rushing back into my life. It wasn't a conscious act on her part. Or mine really. I started dreaming about her regularly, and though we had already been friends on a social site or two for years, I found that I couldn't stop reading her posts.

This last week, things shifted between us, and I find that we are now walking together towards a future that could be very bright and what each of us has needed and wanted. We haven't formally declared our relationship yet, but it's abundantly clear to me that she cares just as deeply about me as I do about her. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I'm embracing this new life as full heartedly as I can. Maybe it will last, maybe it won't, but I'm taking it day by day with love in my heart.

Too Much Energy or My Pointless Rebellion

2011-02-27T14:34:00.000-05:00

Today I'm digging myself into a hole for no good reason. I should be studying for a midterm tomorrow, but I really don't feel like it. I could be critiquing stories for another class, but don't feel like doing that either. I could even just be working on a super short story for yet another class, but it keeps bringing me back to Ms. M., with whom I've been in touch over the last few days. In truth, I really feel like a stalker right now, and I'm not ashamed of it. :-)

I haven't been out of her life because she didn't want me in it, we were just not available to one another at the time. Now, though... Things have changed, and something keeps drawing me back to her. After my open letter last year, I had managed to get her off my mind, and I did manage to get over her at long last, but these last couple of weeks have put her back on my mind, and I can't help but think that God's hands are at work once again, and some of the things that M. said... Well, let's just say that I believe God is at work here. M., if you're reading this, I think you're my angel!

Today I find myself too easily distracted by the possibilities of doing something else, and I'm doing nothing but digging myself a hole with regards to school. Maybe it's because I think that no matter what I do today, I'll come out all right. Maybe it's that I think I'm in love, and have been further encouraged by a few simple words. Maybe I just have too damned much energy that I should go burn off at the gym... I don't know, but I know I should be more concerned about the immediate, the midterm I have tomorrow, than I am. But it's irrelevant.

P.S. Remind me of that when I'm repeating this course... ;-)

Missing Life

2011-02-23T16:56:00.001-05:00

Some might argue that I'm preparing for life by going back to school. Some would say that it's the right thing for me to be doing in this economy. Usually I'd be saying these things myself, because they're logical and carry wisdom. But today, I just can't stop thinking about the parts of life I'm missing, and wondering about paths not taken, and a woman I left unkissed.

KillZone 3

2011-02-04T02:11:00.001-05:00

In case I fail to make it clear elsewhere, the KillZone 3 beta is awesome! If you own a PS3 and you like first person shooters, grab the beta and check it out!

In all likelihood, I'll be posting a review at HTTP://anevilgeni.us before the weekend is out.

AnEvilGeni.us

2011-01-19T13:01:00.000-05:00

I've been quiet about this site until now because I had hoped that it would grow into its own without blatant plugs elsewhere, but that didn't happen. Now I'm taking the site in a different direction, and I'm being a lot more active with it, so I urge anyone that happens to visit my blog here, to checkout AnEvilGeni.us!