Free Your Mind

New Location

2011-07-24T12:19:00.000-04:00

I have made the decision to condense all of my blogs into one place. So from now on if you would like to read about us you can find us Here. I will be blogging about our daily life, our home schooling adventures, and my photography journeys. We hope to see you there.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-01T22:36:00.000-04:00

A Letter to my mother

2011-05-09T16:00:00.001-04:00

I will start off by saying Happy “Mother’s” Day to you, but this will be the last time you get this acknowledgement from me. I no longer want anything to do with you nor do I want your lame attempts at being a grandmother to my children. They deserve better, as do I. I am tired of giving you the benefit of the doubt and waiting for your “teenage” years to pass. I realize that you lost a lot of that because you were busy supposedly being a “mother.” Well I have waited over 18 years for you to get out of this phase and I am done waiting for you to grow up and be the mother/grandmother that I was so hoping you could be. I gave up my “teenage” years to raise your sons. While you were out drinking and partying it up I was at home tending to 3 young boys instead of going out and enjoying my childhood. I should have been attending football games and school dances and having sleep overs with friends, but I couldn’t because I was too busy trying to keep our family together while you went out to have your fun because I knew that you had been tied down and not allowed to do anything after getting pregnant with me and then marrying dad. I thought it would last a year or two max, boy was I wrong. This is not to say that a mother should never go out and enjoy herself occasionally because I know that it is important to my sanity to get out every once in awhile with other adults to just have a good time. But, after that fun is all said and done, I come home to my children and back into my role as a mother to them. I was in the same situation that you were in at 16 years old but yet I have managed to be a responsible, loving, attentive mother to my children. I did go out and have fun after I left Ricky in a lame attempt to rebuild our relationship, little did I know that it wouldn’t work. I was so desperate to have a relationship with you, but I was not going to sacrifice my children for it. Our relationship just wasn’t, and isn’t, that important to me. I do not feel that you were EVER there for me. I mean you basically kicked me out after I got pregnant and then as I was giving birth as a newly 17 year old you were “out of town” with John, knowing full well that I was within days of my due date. You don’t think at a time like that having MY own mother there would have been nice? Thankfully Ricky’s mother stepped up to the plate with that. It’s pretty sad that she was more of a mother to me than my own mother and more of a grandmother to Kyley and Dawson than you ever were. For the 1st five years of Dawson’s life he didn’t think that I had a mother and he thought that you were “aunt.” What does that say about you? Not much that’s for sure.

I will not make this letter about all the horrific things that you have put me through because it’s just not healthy for me to relive it. I am finally at the point in my life where I am letting it all go. I know that our relationship failed because of you and your addictions and your lack of ability to love not because of anything that I did or didn’t do. I tried to make things work, I tried fostering a relationship between us and between you and my children, you were just unable and/or unwilling to allow it to happen. I am not sure why, nor do I care at this point because I am done. Completely. I do not want you to ever contact me or my children any longer. We do not want any of your lame attempts at saying that you care because we know differently. Yes even my children know. Do you realize that they place bets on how long you will stay when you drop something off because they know that it is a lame attempt on your part? They realize that your boyfriend who beats the shit out of you is more important than they are. They realize that you care more about grandchildren who you may never again get the chance to see (Hailey and Parker) than you do about them. So I leave you with these parting words from a very fitting song…”Perfect” by SimplePlan, as this sums up just about everything that I have been feeling over the past 25+ years.

“Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
but you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect”

Judgment

2011-04-10T20:59:00.003-04:00

There is nothing more that I hate than being judged for living our life outside the norm. I am not one to make a rash decision. I research and try to find what works best for our family. I never go into anything blindly, at least not when it comes to my children or my family. I do not put my children at risk, whether that is physically, socially or emotionally. So it goes without saying that I am pissed off now that I am being called out yet again for my decisions. Decisions that I did not come into lightly.

The kids' grandfather has yet again bashed my choice to homeschool the children. He is concerned that they are not performing academically as well as their peers. Yet I find it odd that they never bring this up to me. They only bring it up to the kids' father who is not really present in their day to day activities so he has no clue about what they are doing. I wish they would say something to me about it. I have no concerns over the kids academics, I know that they know the same, if not more, than their age-related peers in terms of the core subjects, you know those ones that are only taught to achieve AYP (adequate yearly progress) in public schools. In terms of subjects that public school children are not tested on, they know much more. I am so tired of being called out in regards to what they are learning, especially from people who rarely interact with them. I know that their cousins are never quizzed about their knowledge of what society thinks they should know and I am almost certain that their parents are not questioned or judged about the education the children are receiving in public school. Even when these children are struggling with the academic aspect of public school the parents are never questioned. It seems as if only my choices are condemned because we refuse to "walk the line."

Apparently another concern is the fact that Dawson has never been in school, and probably will never be in school, so to them that means that my children are sheltered and do not have any friends. For those of you that know us know how laughable that is. Dawson is a very outspoken child who loves adventure and has never had a problem making friends. In fact often times we have quite the opposite problem with him. He makes friends where ever he goes. Often times on the playground Dawson has a following of children that look up to him and want to play with him. He will interact with people of all ages without concern. So I do not see how I am socially stunting my children by keeping them home. We belong to a wonderful, secular, home school co-op where the kids are able to interact with other children, and honestly they both have fallen right in with their friends, as if they have been a part of that group for years. We also have an amazing family that we get together with every week so that our children can play and explore together.

The kids also attend classes at the various museums, where they have had no trouble making friends. They each attend a karate school, again where neither of them had any issues blending into group. Kyley takes theater classes where she has made numerous friends as well. Making friends has never been a concern of mine, at least not since pulling Kyley from public school. I will admit that Kyley did have some shyness to overcome in her early years, but during those years she was not home schooling, she was attending the local public school. Since pulling her she has really come out of her shell, so yes let's blame home schooling for all of the social awkwardness in children. I am not doubting the fact that there are some home schooled children who are sheltered, mine however are not. We are rarely home because we are always out exploring everything that our city has to offer.

I really wish that these concerns would be brought up to me so that I could put all of their concerns to rest. I have researched everything that our family does, whether that is the food that goes into our bodies, the medications that we take, or the education that our children receive. We are doing what works best for us and right now not attending public school is what is working best for us.

I am THAT mom....

2011-04-05T22:43:00.003-04:00

I am THAT mom, you know the one that slept with her baby (even in the hospital.)

I am THAT mom, you know the one that put cloth diapers on her baby's bottom and actually found it addictive to buy and/or sew cute little diapers for their bottoms.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that breastfed all of her children until they were ready to wean, even though that was nearly 6 years old for one of them.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that never had a hat on her tiny little baby, unless of course they wanted one.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that never had socks or shoes on her tiny baby.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that wore her babies and barely ever put them down when they were under six months old.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that never fed her baby jarred baby food.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that allowed her baby to eat dirt.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that did not hover and tell her children that they could not do something because they were "too little."

I am THAT mom, you know the one that allowed her three year old son to get a mohawk.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that also allowed her four year old son to get his ears pierced and then gauged.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that allowed her twelve year old daughter to get her belly button pierced.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that took her seventeen year old daughter to get a tattoo.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that does not censor anything in regards to what my children listen to or watch.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that listens to her children's concerns and gives them advice without shaming or instilling fear into their minds.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that allows her children to have a choice in how they want to live their lives, exploring, experimenting and learning from their own mistakes.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that supports her children's decisions even though they may not be in line with her own beliefs.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that refuses to hide behind embarrassment when we discuss uncomfortable topics.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that strives to live a life where I am not controlling my children's actions but often falters due to societal pressures.

I am THAT mom, you know the one that wants to live a peaceful life but often falters and ends up screaming in frustration.

I know that there are many aspects of my parenting that make people roll their eyes, like when my son walks out with shorts on, no shoes and no coat when it is forty degrees outside or like when I allow my children to pierce their bodies at "tender, young ages." My style of parenting definitely does not work for everybody, but it works for us. I am often questioned about my motives or my goals for my children as they grow. My goals and aspirations for them are just for them to be happy, healthy and confident young people who stand up for what they believe and know that no matter what I will love them regardless of their decisions and/or mistakes that they make. I, also, want them to know that they can come to me to talk about anything without feeling shamed and judged. I do not think there is anything more than I can ask for.

I have witnessed parents who push their children so hard, wanting them to succeed in something that they feel will better their children's lives in some way shape or form. A lot of parents push their children so hard that it in turn makes them despise their parents and/or the activity that they once loved. I want my children to want to succeed in life because they are passionate about it, not because I forced them into it. I have always given my children the option to try out anything that they feel they would enjoy. My only stipulation is that if I pay for a semester or season that they do their best and complete it. If after that they don't enjoy it they can opt to not continue. Thankfully my children have been given the freedom to explore and have found activities that they are passionate about and excel at.

Opening Up

2011-04-05T11:41:00.003-04:00

I feel so refreshed today. I opened up to somebody who is damn near a stranger to me, my occupational therapist. I cannot believe that I did, but I can honestly say that it felt good to get it out there. He apparently thinks I should write a book about the insanity that is my life. I have thought about it on numerous occasions, just have never put it into fruition. It is definitely something that I have researched and put much thought into, perhaps one day I will take the plunge.

This is actually a huge step for me, discussing such personal issues with a stranger face to face. I am an open person and will tell you almost anything that you want to know about me, however, most topics don't come up often, especially those that are this deep and personal. I think this experience is part of my attempt to let things go and keep it real.

In order to keep things real I need to come to terms with exactly why I am broken and vulnerable, why I am so closed off physically and often emotionally from the world, and why I struggle with allowing people to love me. I know this is a topic that I cover often in my writings here, but this is a huge part of a healing process that I am going through right now. I want to be free of this brokenness. I want to be able to receive the love that I know that I deserve and in order to do that I have to figure out how to accept love. Real love, not just the sexual "love" that I am used to getting, a true, honest and unconditional love.

My parents broke me. I am not sure if it was one more so than the other, but each of them broke me in their own way. I know that a lot of my struggles stem from the lack of love I received as a child. I received a love from my father that wasn't truly love, it was a self satisfying, warped sense of love on his part, but it was all I knew. I thought that in order to be loved I had to give a part of myself that was my most precious possession, my innocence. My mother on the other hand was so closed off from me and never offered any sort of love. I was never good enough, despite the fact that I excelled at nearly everything that I tried. Whether that was academics or sports, I always excelled. I struggled making friends because I wasn't sure what they wanted from me. I didn't feel good enough to have a friend because my mother never let me know that I was good. There was always something that I could do better. When I topped out on my grades, it went unrecognized, as if the excellence did not matter. I was either not good enough or too good. I think this created a lot of conflict as I aged. My mother couldn't stand that I was better than she was at life, and she still can't. I have accomplished more in my life than she could ever dream of and I feel that it really irritates her, even though we rarely talk.

I am trying to overcome the lack of support and encouragement that I have dealt with my entire life. I have built a wall. A wall that says 'I don't care what other people think of me. Or I don't need your approval. Or validation doesn't matter, because I don't need it.' when in reality I am screaming, 'Please like me. Please tell me I am good. Please let me know that you approve of the way I parent, or the way I write, or the way I photograph.' I thrive when people tell me what great mother I am. I thrive when people tell me what amazing photographs I take. I thrive when people tell me that they love my writing. I want to be liked, but I still don't know how to accept it. I have a horrible time accepting compliments because I am not use to them. When people say something nice about me I often think to myself, 'What do they want from me?' Why can I not just accept that people like me for me, not what I can do for them, or what I will give them. I am a wonderful person. I care deeply for my friends. I would do anything for them. Now if only I could get out of my own way and allow myself to receive the love and adoration that I deserve. It's a work in progress.

Unexpected Conversation

2011-04-03T20:57:00.003-04:00

I feel so refreshed today. I opened up to somebody who is damn near a stranger to me, my occupational therapist. I cannot believe that I did, but I can honestly say that it felt good to get it out there. He apparently thinks I should write a book about the insanity that is my life. I have thought about it on numerous occasions, just have never put it into fruition. It is definitely something that I have researched and put much thought into. Perhaps one day.

This is actually a huge step for me, discussing such personal issues with a stranger face to face. I am an open person and will tell you almost anything that you want to know about me, however, most topics don't come up often, especially ones this deep and personal. I think this is part of my attempt to let things go and keep it real.

In order to keep things real I need to come to terms with exactly why I am broken and vulnerable, why I am so closed off physically and often emotionally from the world, and why I struggle with allowing people to love me. I know this is a topic that I cover often in my writings here, but this is a huge part of myself right now. I want to be free of this brokenness. I want to be able to receive the love that I know that I deserve and in order to do that I have to figure out how to accept love. Real love. Not just the sexual "love" that I am used to getting. A true and honest and unconditional love.

My parents broke me. I am not sure if it was one more so than the other, but each of them broke me in their own way. I know that a lot of my struggles stem from the lack of love I received as a child. I received a love from my father that wasn't truly love, it was a self satisfying, warped sense of love on his part, but it was all I knew. I thought that in order to be loved I had to give a part of myself that was my most precious possession. My innocence. My mother on the other hand was so closed off from me and never offered any sort of love. I was never good enough, despite the fact that I excelled at nearly everything that I tried. Whether that was academics or sports, I always excelled. I struggled making friends because I wasn't sure what they wanted from me. I didn't feel good enough to have a friend because my mother never let me know that I was good. There was always something that I could do better. And when I topped out on my grades, it went unrecognized, as if the excellence did not matter. I was either not good enough...or too good. I think this created a lot of conflict as I aged. My mother couldn't stand that I was better than she was at life, and she still can't. I have accomplished more in my life than she could ever dream of and I feel that it really irritates her, even though we rarely talk.

I am trying to overcome the lack of support and encouragement that I have dealt with my entire life. I have built a wall. A wall that says 'I don't care what other people think of me. Or I don't need your approval. Or validation doesn't matter, because I don't need it.' when in reality I am screaming, 'Please like me. Please tell me I am good. Please let me know that you approve of the way I parent, or the way I write, or the way I photograph.' I thrive when people tell me what great mother I am. I thrive when people tell me what amazing photographs I take. I thrive when people tell me that they love my writing. I want to be liked, but I still don't know how to accept it. I have a horrible time accepting compliments because I am not use to them. When people say something nice about me I often think to myself, 'What do they want from me?' Why can I not just accept that people like me for me, not what I can do for them, or what I will give them. I am a wonderful person. I care deeply for my friends. I would do anything for them. Now if only I could get out of my own way and allow myself to receive the love and adoration that I deserve. It's a work in progress.

The man in my life

2011-04-02T18:42:00.000-04:00

I have a man in my life who I love with every ounce of my being. I have a man in my life who has showed me how to break through societal norms. I have a man in my life who has shown me that it is possible to be true to yourself without concern over what other people think. I have a man in my life who would do anything to make me happy. This man is my son.

My son may be a nine year old boy, but he is an old soul. The way this boy bucks the system without a concern in the world is amazing to me. He has no problem speaking his mind even in a difficult situation. I often wish that I could be like him in this aspect. I have always been a person who speaks her mind, however I would shy away if I felt it wasn't my "place." My son has taught me that it is always my "place" to say something, to stand up for what is right, to stand up for those who are less fortunate, to stand up for those who are broken and weak, to stand up for what I believe. This young boy will stand up to anybody that he feels is in the wrong, it doesn't matter if you are young or old. Some may think this is disrespectful, but I feel differently.

His words may come across as harsh, but that is not his intention. He holds firm in his beliefs and is passionate about them. We recently were put into a situation where a father was being rather nasty to his child and he had the courage to stand up to that man, who towered over him, and call him out on his abusive behaviour, without even thinking. The father looked at him as if my boy was out of line. I am almost certain that he was thinking; Who is this child? Who does he think he is, telling me, an adult, that I cannot treat *my* child this way? My son did not let up on this man though. He firmly stated that the man was wrong for yelling at this young girl, he firmly stated that he did not need to grab her the way that he was because he was hurting her, he firmly stated that there were better ways to get compliance, if that is what he was after. And he did so as he stood there strong and confident. Years ago I would have never even thought to step into a situation like that because it was "not my place." If it was not my place though, who's was it. This is what my son has taught me. If I don't stand up for that little child in all of us, who will?

Don't mistake his confidence and strength for an over inflated ego, because that is certainly not the case. This boy who stands strong, who is confident, who does at times, speak harshly, who enjoys rough and physical play is also a boy who is compassionate, who oohs and ahhs over cute little animals, who loves to cuddle with babies, who is respectful and chivalrous, who opens the car door for me and holds doors open for strangers, who would give up a toy to a young child or allow them to "beat" him at a game so they are not upset. He is also a child who will help out anybody who needs it.

As the parent of this boy who lives his life completely free, I ask you not to judge him. He may look scary to you, with his mohawk and loud voice but he means no harm. So if you see him talking to your child, or lifting them up so that they can climb over an obstacle, don't rush to their aid because I am certain they are ok. He would NEVER hurt them intentionally and chances are he would protect them with his life.

He is persistent and passionate. He tries my patience at times. He will also call me out if I falter in our belief systems. However, he doesn't do it without backing up his reason, which can be frustrating. I find myself testing my own limits and bucking societal norms with his actions and well thought out arguments. For example last night it was cold (35*) and he had on a short sleeved t-shirt and I was telling him, not asking, to put on a jacket, which is usually something that I am lax about, and he kept saying he didn't need one. I found myself pleading with him as we walked into an indoor play area. He finally said "Mom, everybody has different feelings. Just because you are cold doesn't mean that I am." *sigh* He was right. He is his own person, I know this, and most of the time I do not allow society to determine my feelings of worth as a parent, but for some reason yesterday I was feeling the need to walk within the societal norms without bucking the system and allowed that need of mine to get the best of me. After his comment to me I took a look at whether or not that jacket was more important than his need to be himself. Even though this persistence of his works on my last nerve at times. This is the same persistence that enabled him to take the last five years in karate and train hard and earn his second degree black belt.

Before this precious boy came into my life I was broken. I still am broken, but I am heading down the path to being healed. This in part thanks to him. I watch him in wonderment as he lives his life as only he sees fit. It doesn't matter to him what society thinks, only what he thinks. I aspire to live my life with this freedom.

Letting go...

2011-01-23T13:53:00.003-05:00

As I allow the walls to crumble down, exposing my vulnerability and weaknesses, I feel the need to let go of the past. The past is no longer who I am, it has shaped me into who I have become, however I will no longer allow it to control me, or my future for that matter. I have allowed many situations from my past to continually control me in the present, some in a good way, others in not such a wonderful way. At this point I have made the decision to let it all go.

1) I will no longer allow the actions of others to controls my feelings or actions.

2)      I will no longer dwell on the past. What is done is done and I cannot change that.
3)      I will no longer worry about the future either.
4)      I will no longer hold a grudge (as I have so often been known to do.)
5)      I will no longer base my happiness on how others are acting or treating me.
6)      I will no longer worry about money and material possessions.
7)      I will no longer wait to do things that I have always wanted to do.
8)     I will no longer try to control every aspect of my life, and others around me.

As I was writing this blog I stumbled across this wonderful article (it was actually on my home page after I had written out the above) and it basically sums up everything that I am feeling that I need to let go of in this very moment.

http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/most-popular/11-things-to-give-up-in-2011.html

I think that over the next few days I will try to touch on each of these things that I want to let go of and explain a little in depth about how I plan on achieving that, but for now I will leave you with a list of things that I WILL be doing in 2011.

1) I will seek out things that I want to do and do them.

2) I will rid my life completely of all of those that I feel are toxic to me.

3) I will forgive and move on.

4) I will take more time to focus on me.

The walls are falling.....and I will live

2011-01-02T21:52:00.003-05:00

I purchased a desk calendar with insights from the Dalai Lama so that I could utilize it in helping me remember exactly what is important. It’s not that I don’t know, it’s that often times I forget and need reminded or reassured of what is important in my life, as well as my family.

“Don’t simply believe what I say without question, but use it as a basis for personal reflection and, in that way, develop your understanding of the Dharma.” ~His Holiness, the Dalai Lama

The quote above was the one that we started the year with and I find that it has me thinking about how so many people go through life just listening to what others are telling them to do or to believe. I grew up in household where I never questioned why things were happening, at least not out loud for others to hear, which led to me being put into situations that were less than favorable by those that were supposed to love and protect me. I made the conscious decision to never use the words “because I said so” with my children. I always attempt to give them a reason as to why things are happening in the hopes that they will question people who want them to follow blindly.

So as we make our way through life, be sure to question what is going on around you that may affect you directly, or even indirectly. It truly dumbfounds me as to how many people have no clue about the state of affairs going on around them. You cannot believe every word that the media, the government, your doctor, or those in power throw at you, you need to question it. Use as much, or as little of what they say as you wish, taking into account what applies to you and your life and then research the hell out of it.

I recently had a discussion about the fact that I allow my children to question my motives, as well as those of others. People cannot believe that I have allowed my children to make decisions in regards to their lives and how they want to live them. I mean after all it is their life, right? The person that I was discussing this with does not believe that children should have a say in what happens and the adults raising them should call all the shots, which is something that I don’t understand. How is it that just because I am an adult I should know what is best for another human being? I do not know exactly what it is my children are feeling, experiencing or desiring. I can only do my best to guide them to know “right” from “wrong”, not by demanding that things be done my way because my way is what is “right” for me, but by showing them compassion and understanding as they find their way into what feels “right” for them. I assure them that their interests and passions are just as valid as mine, even though they may be different.

I understand that many think that because we, as adults, have experienced life more than a child that we have a better understanding of the world around us, but that is not always the case. Adults tend to see the world around us with jaded eyes. We have experienced pain, as well as joy, yet we tend to focus more on the painful experiences that we have been through, and allow them to control our outlook on life. Is it “right” for us to pass on our jaded views to young, impressionable minds? Or shall we allow them to experience life as they see it, pure and exciting?

Up until recently, I viewed the world through jaded eyes. I have been used, hurt and beat down throughout much of my life and I allowed those times to control the way I was seeing the world. I never felt that I deserved to be happy. I never felt that I was worthy of praise, because no matter how much I did, it never came. I literally felt worthless. I allowed those times to affect the relationships that I have been in because I had built a wall to protect myself from all those previous painful moments. Granted I had no idea as to whether or not the person that I was entering into the relationship with was going to hurt me, but I had to be prepared. I had to protect myself, and my heart. The energy that went into maintaining the wall as my friends, and partners tried to break through, would never allow me to pour myself into those relationships as I should have. There were moments in which I would allow somebody in partially, only to push them away with some unrealistic expectation. It was a defense mechanism. If I was hurting the person, then I could not be hurt.

I realize now how damaging it was and that I needed to change the way I was looking at the world. I have finally decided to allow the walls to fall and just get out there and be me. I am letting go of my past and looking forward to seeing what the future will bring. Thankfully over the years I have begun to question what is said to me, reflect upon it, research it and make my own decision based on what is “right” for me. I only hope that my children can say the same, without having to wait 30+ years to realize it.

And to end it, another quote from a desk calendar given to me by Kyley:

"There is something so beautiful that children do: They charm you and demand that you stay in the present with them....There is something very enriching about trying to live in the moment." ~ Julia Ormond

And live in the moment I will...from this day forward.

The Backyard Farmer

2010-05-24T00:14:00.002-04:00

As most people already probably know, I break a lot of "societal rules." Proudly too! So when the moment occurred to me that I could live out my dream of self sustainability right here in our little, conservative suburb that is nestled right outside of a major city in the northeastern United States, I decided to make it happen. Our neighborhood is one of those cookie cutter suburbs that you see on TV, where each house is the exact replica of the one next to it and the neighbors make you sign petitions to change the look of "their" street (yes this was a battle, which we did NOT win, BTW) and if you don't abide by the code then you are an outcast. Well after moving in I realized just how different my family was from everybody else on the street and we were deemed the FREAKS of our neighborhood and to this day we still PROUDLY wear that title.
My dream of becoming self-sustained began of course with just a small backyard garden and a little window box herb garden, of course over the years the garden grew and grew, now it takes up @ 1/3 of our yard. We absolutely LOVE being able to run out to the garden and grab a handful of butter bibb lettuce to go along with our freshly, made (from the previous years tomatoes) pasta sauce ladled over a bed of freshly made noodles. There is nothing like it in the world. Our children love to watch the seeds, that we plant every Earth Day, sprout up out of fresh dirt that is tucked into an egg carton, and honestly I love it too. We watch for progress as the days pass and turn into weeks and our tiny little seeds have become strong seedlings ready to venture into the garden in the backyard. It is almost like watching a child grow. I have often run across the children talking to the seedlings (while they still reside inside) and even caressing their tiny leaves, willing them to grow big and strong. Our neighbors have of course welcomed our veggie garden with open arms. Who wouldn't?

Our next more towards self sustainability was fruit trees. We opted to got with a less invasive breed due to our lack of land and bought dwarf fruit trees. Currently we have 4 apple, 2 pear, and 1 peach tree that we have planted. We are looking at getting an orange and a banana tree that we will plant in pots to bring inside over the cold months. Again this was something that was welcomed with open arms. I mean fresh, pesticide free fruit....YUM!

(I will have to grab some new pics...because there is so much more greenery on them now)

One of our final steps towards self sustainability (for now) was fresh eggs. We acquired a few hens from a fellow chicken lover and then purchased a few chicks to grow on our own this year. This has been such an amazing experience for the entire family. When we picked up our little chicks they were less than 24 hours old and have grown and flourished since bringing them home on Earth Day. They have now tripled in size and are almost ready to move in with the rest of the flock and we couldn't be more excited about it. The minute the coop was put into our yard we had one neighbor already nosing around wondering what in the heck we were doing now. After some friendly conversation about the weather with the kids, she asked what the house was for. Dawson immediately said CHICKENS!!! I could see her body nearly convulsing at the THOUGHT of chickens in HER neighborhood. I mean after all they were DIRTY animals...and they were NOISEY! She asked why we wanted chickens? Dawson of course thought he should answer....ummmm eggs!!! (doing it in his magnificently, sarcastic laden tone...as he rolled his eyes as if to say, is this lady freaking serious?!?!) Gosh I love that child. To which the lady said, well I hope they are girls because you know they are the only ones that lay eggs. This time Kyley chimed in and said....ummm ya. We know. :) Obviously this step was NOT one that was met with open arms which actually surprised me. I mean who doesn't love a fresh, straight from the chicken eggs. No steroids, no antibiotics.....just a free range, naturally grown chicken egg. Oh well...their loss. Not only are the eggs fabulous, but the chicks and hens are so fun to watch. They also LOVE getting attention. Thankfully because Dawson is ALL over them. SEE!!

Our final step, for now, into self sustainability was goats. Dawson is allergic to cow's milk so this was our next best bet. Not to mention we DEFINITELY would not have room for a dairy cow. Though the kids would LOVE to have one. We recently welcomed 2 new additions to our family, a mama and baby La Mancha goat. We have yet to be successful at milking because mama is still very skittish, but we are working on it. I cannot wait to make some fresh butter, cheese and yogurt from some yummy tasting goat milk. This has actually gone over ok with some neighbors, but not at ALL with others. We have one neighbor in particular that HATES us because of our lack of conformity, but...it's all good and she has called the police on several occasions. Once when we brought home the chickens, and now again since bringing home the goats. Little does she know that I LOVE to research, and I research our township ordinance and by-laws prior to obtaining our livestock...and it is PERFECTLY legal. So I am well within my rights. The neighborhood kids LOVE coming over to feed scraps and grain to our goats and just sit back and watch them playing around. Granted at first there were many comments.....'You guys are crazy. What are you doing, turning this into a farm? My dad thinks you have issues.' Ya know the norm, but I am used to it. After all we are home schooling freaks who let our children play outside in flip flops in the snow. (It was his choice, not mine) You would think after 12 yrs of us living here they would realize that.
We eventually want to get a lamb to go in with our goats for some wool. I am not sure I will spin the wool on my own, or take it to be spun elsewhere, but we are hoping that we are able to obtain one this year. ;)

52 in 52 book 4

2010-02-09T10:02:00.000-05:00

Last week I completed The Tenth Circle by Jodi Picoult at the recommendation of a friend. I have to say that this was a good read. At times it was a little dark, but it was still captivating. The story takes place in a small town in Maine where a young girl thinks that she has fallen in love with the hockey star of the local school. Throughout the story she encounters hurt, tragedy and a feeling of hopelessness, that most teenagers experience. Her parents struggle through her hurt as well as their own all the while trying to repair their broken family.

52 in 52 book 3 review

2010-01-30T22:22:00.001-05:00

I just finished up The Last Song-Nicholas Sparks at the beginning of the week and I have to say that this book was a very easy read. It held my attention and left me not wanting to put the book down. Kyley and I were reading this book together (however she has still not completed it) because there is a movie coming out based on this book, and following the rule of our house we had to read this prior to seeing the movie.

I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised by this book, though I know that I should not have been. Everything else I have read by Nicholas Sparks has been a decent read and The Last Song was no exception. This book is about a nearly 18yo who has been estranged from her father who is being forced to spend her last summer as a child at his beach home with him and her younger brother. Throughout the summer she finds out a lot about the person her father is as well as the person that she is becoming.

52 in 52...Book 2 review...

2010-01-30T22:18:00.001-05:00

I forgot to post a review of I'm a Stranger Here Myself after I completed it. I was not all that thrilled with this selection sadly. This book was a compilation of the faults of the American society written by an American man who spent 2 decades living in England and then moved back to the east coast. While there was some witty humor, I was left unimpressed. *sigh.....

More snow...

2010-01-11T20:18:00.002-05:00

*sigh...I guess that's what you get when you live in NE USA in the winter time, eh? I thought for sure we would be good for the rest of the winter but I guess I was mistaking. Oh well...such is the life. Not too much going on here today, I had a full day of teaching the crew in that went pretty well, a little bit of a rough start this morning, but after we got back into the groove it was great. I was feeling the motivation that I needed to get a lot of things done and I am pretty excited about our new adventure.
I slacked off on blogging yesterday...I know I know...but I have been keeping up with both blogs daily and....it's been a decent amount of work. I still went to dedicate this blog to my lovely hot button topics that I LOVE debating over...so I think I am going to start blogging more of that stuff here. I just need some decent ideas. I have one started on traditions and then another on socialization...so...perhaps I will work on those.

As for pic...I took some today on the pocket camera again...ugh...and it's still acting up when uploading.

Lazy Day....

2010-01-09T22:20:00.001-05:00

Wow...I don't think I did anything at all today. I did my yoga routine on the Wii, hung out with Dawson while Matt and Kyley went to karate, watched some TV, played more Wii and blogged a bit. Sounds super exciting isn't it? lol....not much to report. But I did get pics to work....here are a few catch up from my 365

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

Day 8

(yes I realize this is a cop out picture but I did take it today. lol)

Today's pic....

I think that catches me up...and I have decided that I am not up for doing 365 of me....*sigh...

Snow day.....

2010-01-08T22:58:00.001-05:00

Lots of snow feel here, though I am sure not nearly as much in other parts of the US. The kids enjoyed their time out in the snow and it sure was a pretty site. I took advantage of the kids being outside to rearrange furniture in our "school room" and the kids bedrooms. Tomorrow the rest of the house is in store for a nice cleaning.

My laptop is still acting up so I am not able to get pics yet.....I am hoping to spend more time with my computer tomorrow to get it fixed. Not much else to really report.

A week of Blogs.....

2010-01-07T22:04:00.001-05:00

....well today marks the one week mark. :) woooohooo! Though I don't really have anything blog worthy. Kyley had auditions today and she feels that she did well, she auditions again next week and then parts are given out on the 21st. She is pretty excited about it. :) Though she told me today that she doesn't really want to play the lead.

Matt and Dawson are both feeling a lot better than they were so that's a bonus. Matt even picked up some of the responsibility today by taking Ky to theater and picking her up and taking her to karate, which Dawson skipped because he is still coughing. He is NOT happy though because he hasn't been there at all this week and it is weapons week. *sigh...poor guy.

I had a nice heart to heart talk with my friend today and I am hoping that things will clear up after this. Right now I am still not sure where we stand...mostly on my part, but who knows what will come of it.

Not much else to report other than I still haven't been able to do any uploading, I promise that I am shooting though. I will have all the days I missed up and running. I think I might need a new card reader.....or just a new computer. ;)

I Just Wanna Be Happy.....

2010-01-06T21:46:00.002-05:00

This is a great song that I feel like I am relating to at the moment.....

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose you cant have everything
Don't you take chances you might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain, cause love won't set you free
I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy, but safe as could be

So what if it hurts me, so what if I break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Just I'm just trying be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly just cant let it go
Just trying play my roll, slowly disappear, ooh
Well all these tears they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me outta here
Well I can stand by the side.... ooh no
And watch this life pass me by
Pass me by!!

So what if it hurts me, so what if I break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cuz I'm just trying be happy .... happy ooh

So any turns that I cant see
I'll count a stranger on this road
But don't save it down, don't say anything

So what if it hurts me, so what if I break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about other pain in front of me
I just wanna be happy (yeah) happy, (yeah) happy
I just wanna be ..
I just wanna be happy...
ooh Happy

Drowning.....Day 6

2010-01-06T21:22:00.001-05:00

...in sickness......in stress.....in frustration....in life in general. Have you ever felt like you just couldn't keep your head above water, well that's what I feel like right now. I have been dealing with everything with my gram, despite the fact that I have a more than competent uncle who actually freaking lives there, trying to pay her bills, handle her doc visits, plus make sure that everything that needs to be in place for her is in terms of help and everything...meanwhile I still have a house to run here as well...paying bills, dealing with doc visits, and basic running of the house all while schooling the kids at home and dealing with the teen and her dad drama. (Which BTW on that front, he called today acting as if nothing happened....being nice as pie to her.....*sigh...this is when if messes with her head the most.) So we will see where that goes....

I haven't been able to get back into the groove of schooling, especially with Matt being home all the time....and now he is sick...ugh ugh ugh. He really needs to get back to work so that we can get back into our routine. He really throws things off considering he wants the TV on all the time...it's like his life line...and then Dawson can't seem to focus. So....the sooner he is back to work the better.

I am also dealing with a lot of other things that really need sorted through. I would really hate to lose a very close friend because of what is going on. I hate feeling betrayed and deceived....so...I am not sure what is going to go on.

Anyway.....

again no self portrait...or 365 my camera is not uploading right now for some reason and I didn't have time to mess with it much today. I promise to mess with it and then edit the posts.

Day 5....short and sweet...

2010-01-05T21:43:00.001-05:00

I am tired...and not really feeling bloggy tonight...but here is my token blog. My pics from today won't upload, serves me right for using the pocket camera rather than my good camera today I suppose.

Today was the little man's bday and I am working on a little sentimental piece to post about him, and I also have a few other things going through my head that I need to get out there...which will happen sometimes in the near future, when I am more rested and not dealing with tons of sickness.

Day 4....sick, sick and more sick

2010-01-04T20:38:00.001-05:00

Let me just lead into this saying that I absolutely cannot stand most doctors. I have found, through personal experience, that they are egotistical, power hungry people who think that they are indeed a god-like being and that everything they say should be taken as law. Well I am not the type of person to just lay down and not research something. ANYWAY....with that being said I have been in and out of different doctors' offices or pharmacies or labs ALL FREAKING DAY! OMG I have had ENOUGH!

Everybody in my house is sick, with the exception of myself and I am loading up on herbs to try to keep it that way. Dawson was at the doc this morning, he has a sinus infection, some fluid in his ears, swollen glands/lymphs and then his asthma is HORRIFIC. Ky has tonsilitis and a sinus infection. Britt as a viral infection/cold/laryngitis and Matt has strep and swollen glands. I swear my house is a bacteria factory. *shudder* I have been going around with the TTO like mad.

So I was at the doc this morning with the kiddies and such, then this afternoon I had to take my gram for her post hospitalization check up. She is doing better than she was, but still not 100%. The doc wants to try some new meds to see if they can get her breathing a little better. I am pushing for some PT because I think she needs it. She is having some serious balance/falling issues.

Anyway...enough sickness. Nothing new on our "drama front"....no contact what-so-ever, but the car is still here and the phone is still on....so...who freaking knows.

But I am hoping to get some sleep this evening...I am BEAT.

So here is #4 self portrait ...the girls and I were being silly...it's what we do.

*note...I am really NOT that much taller than them, Britt was on her squatting for some reason. LOL....

# 4 of 365

My princess Kitty!

Day 3

2010-01-03T21:15:00.001-05:00

Day 3 of 365....was.....eventful to say the least. This morning we did a bit of Wii fit, then watched our boys (Steelers) play, then I proceeded to do a little cleaning and reorganizing of the toys while listening to the Baltimore/Raiders game. *sigh....What a disappointment! Oh well there is always next year right.

Anyway, like I said yesterday Brittany informed me that she wanted to cyber school so I told her that she had to propose it with her father, who I co-parent with, and then we could all discuss it. Well immediately he threw it off the table without even listening to a concern from Brittany, which is par for the course. He has a habit of not listening to ANYBODY'S concerns, feelings, or emotions. After screaming at her on the phone about how ridiculous the idea of cyber schooling was because of the lack of face to face contact that is necessary to succeed, according to him. He went on and on about how book smarts isn't anything compared to having social skills. We after he finished screaming, yes screaming...not talking, at her he wanted to talk to me about it. Well before I even said anything to him, he flipped and said...ABSOLUTELY NOT! I do not agree with cyber schooling at ALL! She is not cyber schooling because she needs to realize that there are things that you don't want to do in life and getting up and going to high school is one of them. He went on and on bashing me and my "hippie parenting" claiming that he has made the better/best parenting decisions for her. Claiming that he was the "real parent" where as I was just her friend and that a 16yo shouldn't "rule the roost." While I agree that she shouldn't have the final say, I do think that now at 16 yrs old she should have some say. As the conversation went on, he escalated talking about how she would be a loser because only people who go to cyber schools are losers, and if she ended up cybering he would write her off and not see a dime for college from him. (Mind you he does a lot of pompous ranting....OVER everything) Then as I continued to make points that he had no rebuttal for, he threatened to kill me. He has bullied Britt for the past few years always holding over her the fact that he has money...and she can have anything she wants as long as she goes along with his game plan, which just happens to be doing everything he says without complaint, never questioning him because he is ALWAYS right, and never showing

This is a topic that I have researched in depth and feel that Britt would probably prosper. She is gifted and picks up on things rather easily and cyber schooling would allow her to move at her own pace and graduate early. To which he replied....she doesn't need to grad. early, there is a sequence to how things need to be done. Mind you as it is right now, she will be 18.5 when she graduates, why not make it one year earlier? As it stands now I told Britt to prepare for this to end up in court because he is going to be a complete and total ass about it. Mind you he has NOTHING to do with her education right now anyway...I am the one that deals with homework, grades, talking with teachers, fighting with them about grade changes due to clerical errors etc. It's not him. We will see what tomorrow brings with this situation to determine if his threats were empty or not.

So onto a happier note....

Day 3 of self portrait....

is non existent due to fighting.....sorry...

But here is a cute avatar....

Day 3 Photo is because I took it this morning....

Day 2

2010-01-03T00:12:00.001-05:00

Day 2 is coming in a little late, we have been having Wii Fit Plus competitions nearly all day long. We are addicted...yes all of us. :) At least we are getting something out of it right.

I wanted to let people out there in blog land who aren't followers of my facebook that there is an amazing woman out there who writes beautifully about matters near and dear to my heart. Woman Uncensored is written in a way that really makes you think about matters that most people don't really give a second thought to. I highly recommend checking her out.

Not much else to report other than a SUPER lazy day.

Here are my pics of the day...nothing super creative because we were busy playing the Wii most of the day...but something to show about our day though.

Self Portrait # 2....

Photo # 2

It's a Wii kind of day..what can I say....:)

Starting Week 1

2010-01-02T00:21:00.001-05:00

Read 52 books in 52 weeks....

I am starting out reading I'm No Stranger Here Myself-Bill Bryson. I have only read the 1st few pages and I am not quite sure I am going to enjoy it, but I will push through it. :)