On a freeway

A moment

2013-10-27T00:53:00.000+05:30

He stood smoking,watching the amber on the tip of the cigarette glow as he puffed in from the other end, his nicotine fix. Zhonlee...a soft but strong voice called and as he turned, again she called out his name Zhonlee. 'It's johnlee' he quickly wanted to correct, but let it go, "Why kill the moment!." I have always been a sucker for the moment. I tell myself I never look for it, but in reality I am addicted to a fine moment. She walked with her head in the cloud and her feet on the ground. A regal walk, I call it; a wave off from the misty sea that could carry off everything that came in her way. I stood talking, never gazing too long into her eyes, fearing my eyes would betray me. The cold pricking wind blew in through the open window as we stood talking. I felt the wind brushing her soft cheeks,her lips as it rustled past her silky hair. Her eyes glowed, and she explained her dreams,ambitions and of love. Do you want me to drop you home? Before I could ask, a voice called out, get a grip. I withdrew. I have a call to make, I excused myself.

Neon Psalm

2013-10-19T16:34:00.000+05:30

As I pass through the shadow of neon glow,
i pray in the safety of the street light.

The Lord is my shepherd. Bizarre.

so far from home
the pasture's turning mire,

the rod and the staff, i lost long away.

I am no shepherd, i am the herd.

It's neon psalm.

Long legs, short dress.
poked needles, squashed bins.

a man, a woman, the shadow grows.

wailing sirens. Patrol or rushing aa'bulance!

It was the dark time. It is the Neon Psalm.

what do i know...

2013-03-01T04:43:00.001+05:30

I no more know what is right,
it's not like that i knew what is wrong,

everyday,everyone,something,someone,

defines right,wrong..

i was not very young,when dad-mon defined
i thought that was it...right/wrong..

then i grew up, i saw things..

now i don't know

who?

the answer i don't know

there is pain..it's for real..there is death..it's true...rest i don't know

Daze.Craze.In a maze.

2012-08-01T19:33:00.001+05:30

In an endless daze,
We seem to move.

running scattered,
burning bridges.

In a mindless craze,
we seem to move.

blotting memories,
scarring emotions.
in jagged places,
of empty spaces.

You belong, to the crowd - A ~~hapless lot.~~

shipwreck nostalgia !

2011-08-01T18:47:00.004+05:30

its been a sea of change,

putting together,
everything..left over,

they called it a shipwreck...
of mangled pieces,crimson-salted bones..
of drowning cries and hopeless dreams

to shores afar we had set the sails,
but beaten down,tossed afar,
now a leftover-pain is all that remains.

Breathing.Waiting.
Surviving.Hoping.
Lost.Praying.
Alone.

I've been to this sea of change,
where you and me and us turn strangers.

shipwrecked- with leftover-pain,
on an island o Bane,i wait to turn insane.

Breathing.Waiting.

Surviving.Hoping.

Lost.Praying.

Alone.

A muse in the evening rain

2010-04-27T23:25:00.001+05:30

It was one of those rainy days...
the dark clouds had brought an early night,
the lazy street lights let out a faded glare,
while a few motor rides made their home in a hurry.

Streets had been washed clean,
Maybe the people too.

A few but still lingered on the street.
A father,mother, their two boys - a family i should say.

And so it was chillness of the rain and the father lit that country smoke.
Hunched he sat, billowing smoke through his nostrils and mouth.
The man seemed so lost in thought, engrossed in world of worry.

I would never have noticed her again,
Had she not called for the boys- soaked in that evening rain.
The dark walls near the sidewalks,she seemed to be a part of it too...

Her red faded sari with borders which once could have been called golden,
now spoke just of a life jaded in sorrow.

With some brutal strength she squeezed the water off the pallu
she whispered a word or two as the boys giggled
While she wiped their heads.

I walked on, thinking of joy and of sorrow and of the evening rain.

As we grew, we loved and we parted

2010-04-02T05:00:00.000+05:30

She was the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. It all started with a dream. In a flowing bridal dress, N was walking along with me,we spoke something and then she laughed. It must be spring cos there were just dry leaves everywhere and then we sat down. There was perfect silence in the air, even the breeze flowed with hushed steps afraid to tread on the moment but then she smiled. It was Sunshine.

I was in the 6th grade then and I didn't understand the meaning of what I saw for a long time to come. N was always the enemy, the one I loved to fight at any given point of time.But now I can see how a part of me used to smile at every fight that I used to have with her cos innocently most selfishly and most truly -- the little boy loved his princess.

The little boy never understood anything for a long time to come, but the fights just kept getting nastier.

Time flew, he was no more the little boy, a few pimple assured him so. It's the 8th class and sure I was discovering myself. It was a casual conversation in one of those free-hours in the sweaty summer days, (B) asked me about the girls in the class, I said they are 'all fine.' I really didn't have a clue what was he hinting at and then came the big question, who was the one girl I like the most? I didn't even need a moment to think, the answer was N,he burst out laughing and then he started checking her out.

I was angry, oh! yes, I was angry--I understood what 'dirty looks' meant? My anger only amused B. That day I went back home a different boy.

Suddenly I had no will to fight her instead I chose to avoid her. No more comments when she answered a question, no more jeering when she scored low in class tests, instead I only wanted to see her smile. It was Sunshine.

Faces,phases,faces,phases.

2010-03-13T16:49:00.005+05:30

Being haunted.
Being labeled.

Liar...

Been fighting the demons.
Night long, and in day.

Was it my mistake.
yes it was.

I took things for granted.

Not its hurting me,
so I am lying now.

They look at me
and i get hurt.

They talk
and i get hurt.

Paranoia...can spin some tales.

I am trying to breath deep now,
telling myself this will pass.
But I am choking too,
strangled by my own thoughts.

There is just hope and there is grace or there was,
but surely I believe "even this will pass."

Funny It Is..

2010-01-15T21:01:00.002+05:30

It just breaks my heart, 

It just breaks it into two.

Leaving jagged spaces,

Empty places,

It just breaks my heart 

right into two...

I have been fighting

I have been hurting

Myself all again.

It never leaves,

the hurt remains,

in the empty places, in the jagged spaces.

All this, but love,funny it is.

bye...

2009-12-26T15:39:00.001+05:30

~~Two moons and a few suns,~~

~~i spend lost from the world with you.~~

~~But now that you are going,~~

~~i have no words to say.~~

~~Goodbye, is heartbreaking.~~

~~And see you soon is far away.~~

~~you sang for me,~~

~~you taught me too.~~

~~you are not mine,~~

~~but i love you too.~~

~~i will be here waiting,~~

~~to be with you once again...~~

~~LOVE~~

love actually....

2009-12-18T01:07:00.004+05:30

I thought i will never write again,
of which i write now...
of love, of hurt,
of a gal, of missin her.

She doesn't love me
nor if she knew.
But i love her,
and that is what i know.

I met her.
we spoke, but i spoke more.
maybe she saw through me,
and lame i am.

It is midnight now.
But i guess i miss her.

I saw her in the crowd.
Like an angel she looked.
But it is midnight now,
I am so lost...

An angel she is,

perfect and sweet
obliging and true.

And I love her.
Is all i know...!!

Tomorrow i will be back again..
tryin to wipe her away...
of love that never was...

Of a fat woman and her lover

2009-12-12T12:43:00.005+05:30

On a busy junction, where traffic stalls,

of a fat woman, of her lover I scoffed.

When the lights turned red, the bike stopped.

I watched the pair, of how odd the look.

I smiled, I laughed. I chuckled hard.

Of a fat woman, her lover,

at the busy place, she hugged him hard,

he loved her too, I saw the Green..

Off sped the bike, the fat woman and her lover..

she loves him and he loves her too..

scoff, smile, laugh you scoundrel...

In loneliness you are fat...

Divisions

2009-11-09T14:07:00.001+05:30

Divisions
Have been a close substitute
of what they call dirty politics.

Divisions
Decide the rulers
his rise and his fall.

Divisions
have been deciding
who will live and whom to kill.

"But change would it ever come?," cries a man sunk in the dark slime.

I

2009-10-20T16:26:00.001+05:30

I is without me
I is within me
I is whether me

Me is without I
Me is with I
Me is whether I

Us is without i and me
Us is within i and me
Us is surely I,me and you too.

Empty It is...

2009-10-10T00:46:00.001+05:30

I've been searching.

Cos' i have been empty.

Empty inside.

Hollow.

Is it god i need

Is it just love.

I don't know.

But i want the hole to disappear.

Like an empty cardboard box.

Taped and set.

But empty it is.

My eyes are dry

and i can't cry.

It hurts and its hurts bad.

And I am Empty Inside....

A Lone Road

2009-09-13T20:33:00.002+05:30

On a dark lonely night,
as shadows grow thick on me,
and faith seems far from me;
i hold on the self that tells me to believe...

The way is lost
and blind i am
Cornered am i, and so lost is the will...

A light blinks and the shadow flickers,
the message of hope, understood i
A wild stride with assured steps,
is the gait to take.

Lost i may seem,
but forever i will know the way..
Like the blind feeling his way through;
out this wilderness will i find.

When nothing remains

2009-08-01T13:27:00.005+05:30

Last night, Ma got a call, after which she cried the whole night, I know that she sometimes cries at night but usually she hugs me and sleeps off in a while. Yesterday was different, she was in other room, where we have the sofa and I think she even wept and slept there.

Evening Ma had made my favorite chicken, with thin sliced coconuts floating over the fat. Then she had send me to the store downstairs to get us a whole family pack of Black currant, her favorite ice-cream.

I don't like the store-owner, we owe him money and he seems to think of us a some ungrateful lowly people. Often, he makes us wait for long, even when there are no customers he takes his own time giving us the groceries and that do reminding us of the approaching date to pay him money or a grunt followed by his lament of how much money we owe him.

But yesterday, I didn't mind standing there cos Ma was happy, she had that secret smile on her face through out the evening and I just was happy thinking of her happy face.

Pa left ma, when I was ten, it was on Chikku's birthday after the party they both had a fight, he didn't come for her birthday party and when he came he was drunk.

That night Ma told Pa to leave the house....since then she's seldom she would let a smile to brush her face..

Everyday after my school, I go pick Chikku from her play school and then I get her home. Ma leaves the key at the neighbours. But today Ma is at home, Chikku rushes to hug her.

Ma takes Chikku in her arms, but her eyes are still red, she has been crying. I want to see that secret, sweet smile back on my Ma's face.

She is on the sofa, she is holding Chikku, she is crying. The phone's ringing, I go pick up the call, it my grandma, she tells me in her secret- plotting-voice to get dressed as she will be coming to pick us up.

I tell Ma, that grandma is coming, we are going to Pa's house, I am happy but Ma is still crying and now Chikku is crying too...

I go to Ma, I am standing there looking at her. Ma looks at me, Your Pa, and she cries out loud...

Muse as it rains

2009-07-23T13:01:00.008+05:30

It is raining...
running, i look for shelter..
a cat, a dog, running too
a shelter, we take..

it is raining...
only few drops at a time,
the cat yawns, a leap...
the dogs shivers and walks...
i look on..........and its raining no more...

pot holes,now puddles..
of rain water, a reflection
my reflection.

Rage...

2008-09-27T21:11:00.006+05:30

Remember
forget not;
the things you faced
the things you saw.

Remember
forgive not;
the things they said
the smiles that mocked.

Remember
mind not;
the defeats that cried
the pains that burned.

Remember
just remember;
the Dykes and Dames
forgive, but forget
never not.....

Child of a broken dream

2008-07-19T18:21:00.000+05:30

There is nothing in me

deep or true,
I am dead.
There is a body

walking out of sight

There is a tree,
There is bus, there is this house
and there is me.

Dim and shallow,
lost and hollow,
is the man who walks alone.

Home, home
is his only cry,

a place to belong
is his only sigh.

I would set him free
I would set him free
Oh! child of a broken dream,
There is hope, there is death.....

One with Good and One with Bad

2008-07-05T14:53:00.000+05:30

Off I went to find my dream,
on to the land of the loosing Sun.

Me and the evil one,
together we hoped to change the world.

So off we sailed through the flimsy seas
And on to the land of ailing dreams.
To find my lost, broken dream.

Me and the evil one,
we passed the Eden green,
to reach His gates to beseech

Tired and tried, we thought of rest
So at the heavens door, we stuck the tents.

The devil yawned and bade me night.
While I sang to the creeping night,
a song of peace, a song of rest.

There we lay, hoping..
For a better tomorrow...
where the evil bids the good
better days and an unending peace...

I miss 'Me'

2008-07-03T11:31:00.000+05:30

Dad works in the Press(printing press, I mean). He leaves early as he has to cycle a long way for his work. I ask mom, why is dad always so angry? Why is he always so rough with me? Why can’t he laugh with me like other kids dad’s do? Mom says, your dad works really hard and so when he comes back from work he has no strength left. But mommy other’s dad also work, they are all nice to their kids.

Last Sunday while going to the church, I fell and there was dad walking towards me. I thought he will pick me up, and yes he did too. He pulled me up and slapped me hard on my cheeks. I couldn’t cry as there were many people around, his hand left a mark and it was still stinging when the worship started. I couldn’t stand the noise but I still stayed on to watch the guy on the guitar. Restless!! I soon slipped out of the church. I ran to the hill close to the church. I went there every Sunday, during the church service and came down before the service got over. Usually I would run around, catch dragonflies and frogs from the well. However, today I was hurt and I wanted to cry. I was angry, I felt insulted....I called dad names, cried, I even asked Yeshu apacha to kill daddy.

I have no friends, only acquaintances. People assume that they know me, whereas I don't care. I was just fourteen madly in love with my cousin.We loved and lived happy, in our own sweet world. I thought that was it, I have my heaven and we would live happily forever...I wrote her name on my arms...We were lovers, we had names. I was possessed, there was no escape....the love still lives on, the scar refuses to fade. I still have the paper clipping it says, 'Youth attempts suicide'.

I"m dead now, I miss "Me."

Another day!!

2008-07-01T14:03:00.000+05:30

Its just another day for me, another boring, sulky day with nothing great to look forward to. Now now there you go..calling me Whiner...am not..it just that the things along with the Sapiens around me are dull. Well, I can't just blame them alone for it..certainly the weather and the place has a lot to contribute- in the making of this infernal hell. Only a backward retarded mind with its dark morbid sense of humour would think of calling this place- God's own CUNTry....
Woh....don't be mad at me..am just expressing my inner thoughts...Right to Speech...remember!!

You would wonder what am I doing here then. You see sometimes life gives you no choice and if you know a bit of swear words..then it's easy to stay alive.Thus Spake Calvin!!!

On the 18 of June, on a damnable hour, a son was born. The firstborn of a diaspora, wrongly placed mallus, he was the child of the wilderness.With an ever growing restless, he crawled, and mauled his steps towards the never ending freeway of life.....He knows and understands that there is actually no purpose in life...if only he had a choice??To be born, never would have appeared on his list...

Now, one time or the other you surely must have come across people like me...yes, we are the pessimists, who always fail to see the brighter side of life..hooohaaa...anyways..going to back to my life story, if my grandma is to be trusted then according to her, I was the ugliest piece of trash that she had ever come across...now don't you make that face...ugly isn't that bad..I love being ugly and bad...a lot can be gained from grotesqueness then the so called beauty in the world.....hoooohaaaa....
That is what she told me when I was a boy....I was just twelve when my daddy threw that glass vase at me, I ducked and the vase was mere shreds of broken glass. Like Calvin , the all knowing genius; I think the grown ups are buffoons and theirs lives, a bluff. Daddy loved mummy, he adored her; but that was before they got married and had us. Mom complains that he is not the same anymore, she thinks he is cheating on her. Daddy comes in late and mom now sleeps with us...
It's Chikoo's birthday, my lil sister would be 4 today, we are all waiting for daddy and I pray to Jesus to send daddy home soon. I tell Jesus also to remind daddy to get Chikoo, the doll he promised. Mom always said that if you pray sincerely then surely God would hear your requests. So I go to my room and on my knees I pray to God. I try to cry, because mom always does so when she is praying, but I couldn't.....

Mom won't believe me, when I told her that I had prayed sincerely, instead she said I must pray harder. Dad didn't turn up for the party and mom went to bed without food. That night, I cried and I called God-a lier.

Welcome!..

2008-06-30T20:29:00.000+05:30

Life's all about taking initiatives. However, it is much easier said then done, say for example it took me almost a year to finally take this step of coming up with my own blog. But yes, am happy now that I have finally done it and am looking forward to keep this blog going. Though currently I've not planned what I should be writing about still you can expect a sincere effort to make it worth through what I present here.....welcome to my blog???