101 Reasons to Kill All the Lawyers

# 101 They cannot relate to children

2011-12-10T11:02:00.001+10:00

“To present to your peers is stressful but to present to your teenage daughter’s peers is up there with death and moving house” Paul Brennan

SPEECH TO THE CLASS OF 2011, VALEDICTORY DINNER,

IMMANUEL LUTHERAN COLLEGE

A teacher wrote in my Annual School Report, “Lazy, talkative and notable”. I thought “notable” did not sound too bad until I realized it was “not able”. They were the days before parent rage stalked school halls and teachers would give their unrestrained opinions. Today, they give students like me a more subtly insulting “You must be very proud of him”.

Some people say that teachers do not have a sense of humour. I do not know where they would get that impression. In fact, all teachers and school staff have a wonderful sense of humour, they just can’t let students and us parents in on it. For instance, you cannot find the books you look for in the library, the librarians have convinced you that it is your fault as you do not understand the Dewey Decimal system. In fact, there is no Dewey Decimal system . The Head Librarian, Mr Smith comes in every night and moves the books around. He thinks it is funny.

To be a student with a passion for practical jokes may feel pretty good but to be Head of Senior School with a passion for practical jokes is out of sight. Now there is something to aim for.

Never, never, never lose your sense of humour. Your parents and teachers will tell you that there are many days in life when you will need it. There is one coming up very soon. The day your final examination results arrive. Before your parents launch into their usual tirade, having for your entire life brushed over their own school academic record, as I have done. Remind them that many of our greatest Australians did not get a good final exam result either. For instance, Ned Kelly, Mr Squiggle, Dorothy the Dinosaur. In fact, watching question time in our Parliament, it is clear that the country is being run by C students. This may seem wrong to you students but believe me it will give your parents great comfort and is the only thing keeping some of your teachers going, it gives them hope.

In a moment, I am going to ask all to stand as I wish to propose a toast to the teachers and staff of this the greatest school on the Sunshine Coast and I am not saying that because you lot are leaving. The toast shall be the words of Tina Turner “simply the best”.

Paul Brennan

Sunshine Coast, Queensland, 18 November 2011

(Edited version)

(c) Paul Brennan a lawyer practicing on Queensland's Sunshine Coast

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Are lawyers really unpopular? A four year study

2011-11-05T20:40:00.001+10:00

There is only one reason left to go before I reach number 101 in this blog.

Four years ago, I started the this blog when a report was released concluding that judges enjoyed their work. Frankly, they could have fooled me. Now there is a study to suggest that lawyers in general are very happy with their job. However this was a UK study. Lawyers in the UK are known to be exceedingly happy whereas as you may be aware the rest of us can struggle.

I posted the next reason when I saw lawyers in suits bravely fighting riot police in the streets of Islamabad, Pakistan. They were prepared to risk injury defending the independence of judges, even if an Economist report suggested that in another part of town, other Gucci clad lawyers cynically had photo ops in police vans.

After that, one reason followed another, intermittently. I decided on 101 reasons as I didn’t want to depress the entire legal profession by having 1,001 reasons.

I examined at length why lawyers and the law are still not fulfilling clients’ expectations.

I covered the general failings of some lawyers such as scruffiness and being dull based mainly on the observations of my own wife. I was soon looking back to when I started as a lawyer to explain that young lawyers can be a little bit full of themselves while conceding even the older ones are difficult to live with. I urged young lawyers to be more sensitive especially during the mandatory visit to the cells immediately after a client had received a prison sentence.

Complaints ranged from lawyers being too busy and ignoring clients to lawyers not being aggressive enough or even that they irritatingly tried to talk clients out of suing people rather than just getting on with it. But, basically it boiled down to the same 12 issues which have dogged lawyers for centuries, The Twelve.

By 2009 I had a strong suspicion that it was all the judges fault , although, I felt that legal receptionists needed to bear some, if not most of the responsibility for the supposed unpopularity of the profession.

I became convinced that many legal issues could have been avoided if clients could be directed away from situations which have so often have adverse legal and social consequences, such as:

I suggested new forms of trial and innovative legal practice business models. I explained that procrastination by a lawyer was not just an inconvenience to their clients but to the other lawyer in the transaction.

In a desperate effort to try and keep the readers’ attention, I turned to sex - obscenity, disgusting filth and my limited experience defending alleged Chinese brothel keepers in a tastefully written piece entitled “The Copper with the Golden Chopper”.

Also, I managed, as most lawyers do, to squeeze in a few of my own small successes such as my first appearance at the Old Bailey, my dispute with a lady over a car parking space and my fight with my own neighbour. I took the opportunity to defend my own record, yes one client did fall asleep when I was pleading for his liberty, but only once.

I came to five conclusions:

Certain classes of people had an irrational bias against lawyers, such as those married to them and I decided (quite some time ago) that their opinion should be ignored, or at least heavily discounted.
People generally liked their own lawyer – one man had four of them. Expressions such as clubbable and like an old Labrador were not uncommon.
Everybody seemed to dislike other peoples’ lawyers, government lawyers, trainee lawyers and understandably law students.
No one dared make a comment about legal receptionists or legal journalists.
There was a strong dislike of in-house lawyers or anyone else receiving stock options mainly by private practice lawyers.

We lawyers are far more popular than we thought and it may be safe to encourage our own children to become lawyers, after all.

# 100. They do not outsource work overseas

2011-10-23T12:29:00.000+10:00

Outsourcing Legal Services

The main benefit of overseas outsourcing is that legal work can be processed at a much lower hourly billable rate.

For what clients would normally pay for 5 billable minutes will give them at least 3 hours or more of telephone advice.

The client no longer has to chase their lawyer, they receive regular calls from the overseas outsource legal resource (“OOLR”) who is always ready to call back at a less busy time say, in the evening and, even at weekends.

The OOLR may not be that certain of local law, or law in general, however with a full three hours to address a 5 minute legal issue they and the client can usually work it out.

In fact, at these rates a client can afford more than one lawyer and often have conference calls with several OOLRs to address a legal issue.

Some clients have had to add a further person to their staff or in a few cases a department to deal with this cascade of generous legal advice.

Legal outsourcing will change the entire legal industry and there have already been instances of clients telling the OOLR that they are too busy and even putting the phone down.

Obviously, taking advice from an overseas resource can have risk but provided that the client does not follow the advice then he should be in no worse position than usual.

Extract from "How to Make a Funny Legal Presentation ....... and other things that they did not teach you at law school" a book by Paul Brennan to be released shortly. Click here for books, eBooks and CDs by Paul Brennan.

# 99. They make some questionable submissions

2011-10-05T15:56:00.000+10:00

The Diarrhoea Defence

If we lawyers do seem occasionally wistful it may be because our moment of fame has eluded us.

In my case, a client had been charged with failing to supply a sample of breath. His car had been stopped by the police, he had tried to run away and during a struggle with a police officer had had an attack of diarrhoea.

Suspected drunken drivers often fail to provide sufficient breath and are routinely convicted unless they have a reasonable excuse. An attack of diarrhoea seemed a good reason for not doing any strenuous blowing, or at least it was in my book. We entered a plea of not guilty.

The cross examination of the police officer began tastefully enough, given the circumstances. But soon descended into unnecessary detail. The failure to control bowel movements seemed further evidence of my client’s bad character and the officer did not want to leave anything to the imagination.

The magistrate remained throughout the evidence with a pained, constipated expression. She seemed unable to step over the diarrhoea part of my submission onto the firmer ground of the legal principles behind the defence. She convicted my client with what seemed to me indecent haste.

My footnote in legal history was snatched from under my nose.

(c) Paul Brennan is a business and property lawyer 'deals and disputes" on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Both "Deals and disputes".

# 98 They stick around

2011-08-31T17:12:00.001+10:00

Close encounters

This year, my 29th Wedding Anniversary was on a Sunday. The Friday before, I had flowers delivered to my wife and went home early from work. By the Friday evening, we were not speaking to each other.

It is best to start anniversary preparations early to allow for cooling off periods.

We had met 31 years before at a New Year’s Eve Party. She was at Law School and I had just returned from Canada. At the stroke of midnight, we kissed, she was stunning but it being midnight, we being strangers, we parted without saying a word.

I was under the mistletoe with another attendee when I sensed someone was interfering with my trousers. I looked down and there she was again tugging at a piece of wool which was attached to my zipper.

Her woollen dress had somehow got caught and, as I had moved away, we remained connected by a long strand of wool which unravelled from her dress. She was trying to retrieve it.

Of course, in those days, if this sort of thing happened you were expected to marry.

It is the best thing that I have ever done and once we were speaking again, I told her.

# 97. They lack social skills

2011-08-07T14:45:00.002+10:00

As subtle as a Judge

I was in a case in a state Supreme Court and half way through the morning the Judge asked “Will all those at the Bar Table join me for morning tea?”. It dawned on me, and the other Solicitors, that we were at the table behind the Bar Table and the invitation was to the barristers in the case only.

In the 1970s, my brother, after time as a British expatriate tea taster in India and Ceylon, was posted to Melbourne. On the first weekend he had been invited for drinks at a friend’s house in the country. He hailed a taxi and sat in the back.

The taxi driver turned around and said to him “Well, you are an unsociable bastard, come up and sit in the front with me”. It is still not uncommon for Australian passengers to sit in the front seat of taxis.

Not understanding the local custom, my brother very reluctantly sat in the front passenger seat. After a long silence the taxi driver asked “And where would you be going on a hot day like today?”. My brother felt that the driver was being a little over familiar but said “Actually, I am going to friends for drinks” to which the taxi driver replied “Well, it is so hot, I think I’ll join you” and he did.

None of the Solicitors in our case, including me, seemed prepared to tell the Judge that we would join him or accuse him of being unsociable and therefore we trooped down to the Canteen.

Recently, the Economist said that everything about Australia was wonderful except the politicians. However, if the truth be told it is not all beer and skittles in the courts, for instance, Australian Judges can be just as scary, insistent and occasionally, forgivably tactless as anywhere else.

# 96. They hate parents

2011-07-31T11:33:00.010+10:00

Parents not coping with finances

Dear John

My parents are getting on and I am concerned that they are no longer able to exercise their usual prudent financial rigour to the assets that they have amassed. This is of particular concern to me as I have inherited only “Right Brain” artistic type genes and money has not really interested me up to now. But I would be extremely distressed if it stopped short.

Should I take on some of the burden of managing my parents' finances?

Worried Daughter

Dear WD

Most children believe that their parents are well meaning but a little daft, or is that just my children? Parents are not to be trusted with decisions concerning your inheritance as the consequences of a wrong move can have serious implications for you. They could go completely gaga and spend it! Therefore you must get involved. Once you start applying estate planning principles to your parent’s money rather than your own it becomes a fascinating subject.

# 95. They are never happy

2011-06-05T11:36:00.002+10:00

John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page.

YOUR LEGAL QUESTIONS ANSWERED

Dear John

My lawyer has nagged me for years about making a will. He said it is one of the cheapest legal things that I can do. I finally gave him instructions but he expressed no joy at my change of heart. He then charged me like there was no tomorrow.

What's going on?

TN, Mauritius

Dear TN,

In the past, there was always an unspoken understanding that a client, having made a will, would do the right thing and promptly fall off the perch. Now, even clients who have every intention of pegging it, seem to hang on.

Medical practice has changed. It used to be three score years and ten and that was your lot but now doctors seem to go all out to keep people going. Losing a few patients, here and there, no longer seems acceptable to the medical profession. Doctors say that they are just trying to meet the elevated expectations of relatives as a result of hospital dramas.

Worse still, clients are being encouraged by well-meaning financial planners and others in the finance industry to make wills long before they have any intention of dying at all.

Therefore, will prices which have traditionally been based on a quick turnaround, have had to go up. Some firms keep prices down by offering an Early Bird Discount to try to attract the more serious players who although dying still find it hard to resist a bargain.

Try saying that you haven't been feeling well that may help.

Send your legal questions to john.fytit@lawanddisorder.com.au

Warning:

Relying on legal advice from a fictitious cartoon character although cheap is imprudent. However your own lawyer is always available as a poor second.
John will try to deal with your question in this eZine. As John is a two dimensional cartoon character it will not be possible for him to enter into personal correspondence with readers.
John like some other lawyers is not to be trusted with serious legal questions.

Click here for the relaunched "John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page". Extracts also appear on this blog.

# 94. They can ruin your wedding

2011-05-14T15:08:00.001+10:00

Younger sisters as bridesmaids

Dear John

I am worried that my younger sister will try to upstage me at my wedding. Legally, how can I stop her?

C.M. Berkshire, UK

Dear CM

Younger sisters can be selfish however, rather than causing family upset by barring her from the wedding, a Deed of Indenture would allow you to stipulate such things as how many times she can bend down to pick up your train and a minimum bridesmaid weight requirement to prevent excessive dieting. A provision for a weigh-in the night before the wedding can be quite fun.

So too, the Deed can provide appropriate standards for the bridesmaid’s dress and a carefully worded Undergarment Clause can ensure firstly, that underwear is utilized and secondly, that it is sensible such as knee length bloomers and a cotton vest.

Finally, the Deed should grant her a licence to attend the wedding which can be withdrawn if she ignores her legal obligations and she can be deemed to be a trespasser. As a trespasser, your sister could be removed from the wedding using reasonable force. In the event of any resistance on the part of your sister, call the police immediately, as if you did not have enough to do.

The removal of your sister from the wedding in handcuffs with appropriate use of the Taser (only if necessary) may be distressing for some of the guests. However, your restraint in the use of a Deed rather that an outright ban would demonstrate that you at least were prepared to turn the other cheek.

(c) Paul Brennan 2011. All rights reserved. Extract from John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page. Now written on this blog

For merchandise bearing this cartoon visit our Lawyers in Love Shop

# 93. They can procrastinate

2011-05-01T16:45:00.000+10:00

Procrastinating Attorney Inactivity Nuisance Syndrome

Dear John

Is there any way that I can speed up my lawyer? The only thing that he did promptly, during the present transaction, was to go on vacation half way through it.

CB, London

Dear CB

I assume we are dealing with months, rather than years or, in some cases, decades. Generally, except in the case of legal issues arising at 4.50pm on Friday afternoon, a lawyer’s pace does not alter. They tend to show their form early on and like race horses it is best to quickly get rid of the back markers.

It can be a recognized disorder, Procrastinating Attorney Inactivity Nuisance Syndrome (“Pains”). Over the years a Procrastinating Attorney (“PA”) develops coping mechanisms which can make it hard to spot. Such as, he will insist on written communications only, his being intermittent. When pressed he will claim that he was waiting for instructions from his client which may be a surprise to that client. He will call for careful consideration of legal issues while doing little or nothing himself.

If you finally decide to change lawyers the PA will insist on being paid. To avoid argument and further delay, seek donations from the other party and lawyer to the transaction; they may be more than willing to contribute as they have suffered too.

Alternatively, turn to one of the many associations and organisations who are willing to help. Here is an extract from one such organisation’s website:

• Are you afraid to upset your lawyer for fear he will delay even more?
• Do you make threats, such as, "If you don't get a move on, I'll leave you"?
• Do you have money problems because of your lawyer’s delay?
• Do you tell lies to cover up for your lawyer?
• Do you think that if your lawyer stopped delaying, your other problems would be solved?
If you have answered "Yes" to any of these questions, Clients’ Anonymous (“ C-Anon”) could help you.
How will C-Anon help me?
In C-Anon you will meet others who share your frustration. It has expanded not only to include clients but other lawyers, partners, spouses, employees, judges and others who have been affected by the delay of a Procrastinating Attorney (“PA”).
How does a PA affect others?
PAINS is a progressive disorder and only the PA can stop the delay however they never seem to get round to it.

We focus on them, where they are, we try to control their delay, we do their work for them. We take on the blame and guilt that really belongs to the PA.

I hope that this helps.

John Fytit is the name of the central cartoon charter in Law & Disorder cartoons which started in Hong Kong in 1992. He is from the fictitious Hong Kong firm Fytit & Loos (pronounced “Fight it and Lose”). A very unsuccessful name as people read “Fytit” as “Fit it”. The International Problem Page started in 2005 and was merged into Paul Brennan’s blog. But, not before John Fytit started to receive real legal questions from various parts of the world.

# 92. They are lousy driving instructors

2011-04-10T17:30:00.001+10:00

Fathers, teenage driving lessons and the law

Have you ever wondered why parents usually give their children driving lessons at night?

I took my son for his first driving lesson in a deserted housing development. I think I must have said “turn left” as he turned hard right, bumped over the central reservation in the road, then up onto the pavement, carried on driving up the grassy knoll, still gaining speed, over a smallish tree, stopping only when he collided head on with a portable toilet which fell over.

Who is legally responsible? The teenage child, being behind the wheel, probably has to take some responsibility; however unfair this may seem. Also, the parent as supervising driver has a duty to act prudently. For instance, he should pay for a driving instructor and stop being so tight. Also, he should stop watching folksy Disney movies, which encourage him to interact with his teenage children by purporting that it may be fun and a bonding experience rather than extremely stressful, or as in this case, terrifying.

Any parent who finds themselves unwittingly involved in a criminal enterprise with their child, be it, dangerous driving, criminal damage or shoplifting, will be torn between showing the right example and doing a runner. In this case, I righted the portable toilet cabin, adjusted the bowl which had escaped its mountings and accepted that being covered in it, was a natural part of parenting, only the quantity and source changes.

Within days, my son had learnt enough about driving, to correct a few of the bad driving habits that I had spent a lifetime acquiring and with this constant supervision, I must say that my driving has definitely improved. To his credit, he listens to me more, especially when I am crying, screaming and covering my eyes.

Paul Brennan is a business and property lawyer on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Both "Deals and disputes".

Click here for books, eBooks and CDs by Paul Brennan.

# 91. Property lawyers suck

2011-03-12T17:35:00.000+10:00

Why Property lawyers suck

Property lawyers are a little like your mother; they wish you to find a home and live happily ever after but delight in pointing out flaws in the one that you have chosen.

One trainee lawyer acting for a purchaser conducted his searches against the office address of the vendor's lawyer. His principal commented that this approach was far too cautious.

During my articles in the UK, it was the usual residential conveyancing practice for the purchasers' lawyer to make written Pre-Contract Enquiries about the property to which the answer usually was "No, but the purchasers should rely on their own enquiries".

I may have been a little over zealous in my questioning on one occasion and received the following responses to two of my Pre-Contract Enquiries:
Q. Has the house ever been burgled?
A. No, not unless it was the perfect crime.
Q. How often do you inspect the plumbing?
A. At least once per day and more often during the winter.

Recently, I asked an audience of about 25 business owners two questions:

Who has experienced legal issues in property transactions?
Was I acting for you at the time?

Five people put their hand up to the first question and none to the second. A small survey but instructive.

(c) Paul Brennan is a business and property lawyer on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Both "Deals and disputes".

# 90.They can be deadly

2011-02-13T17:04:00.000+10:00

Death of a solicitor

Many people ask me what is the difference between a barrister and a solicitor. Well, they are both lawyers but the main difference, in my view is that only one practicing solicitor has ever been executed.

Rather than turning on his own clients as some would expect, he attempted to poison another solicitor in a conveyancing matter which had turned sour. His first attempt was to invite the solicitor to tea; scones laced with arsenic. The other solicitor became ill, but survived. He then sent chocolates which caused a family member of the other solicitor to be sick, but she survived too. Numerous further invitations to tea followed which the other solicitor understandably avoided.

The solicitor’s undoing was that he was buying increasing quantities of arsenic from the local chemist who was the father in law of the other solicitor. The matter was reported to the police who during their enquiries dug up the solicitor’s deceased wife and found an unusually high concentration of arsenic in the body. He was charged with murder. He claimed he was devoted to his wife but police investigations revealed that although she was described in the local press as popular very few people attended her funeral. They concluded that she was domineering and often acted in a crazed manner but this was no lawful excuse for murder (husbands please note).

The solicitor continued to maintain that the arsenic was for his dandelions until his execution in 1922. Since then the Dandelion Defence has lost popularity especially among devoted husbands.

# 89 They make poor spouses

2011-01-26T18:28:00.001+10:00

Intestacy - the dead end

Dear John

My elderly cousin is dying and it looks as if I am the closest relative. He will not make a will as he hates lawyers-he used to be married to one. But he says that he wants me to inherit. He is worth a few bob and his property is in various states and countries.

DT. Sydney

Dear DT

Clearly, your cousin has been traumatised by his choice of spouse. This is not uncommon.

There is a certain pecking order where the deceased does not leave a will. It starts off with spouses and children, then often parents, brothers and sisters, nieces, nephews and finally government coffers. But, it is a list, like a shopping list and if you are not on the list however deserving your claim may be in your view, you lose out.

What happens if you are illegitimate? Whereas illegitimate children are usually quite acceptable these days, illegitimate cousins are unlikely to make the list.

Some countries or states may not recognize the right of a cousin to be in the pecking order, at all. This could mean that you would not inherit property located in that state or country.

Therefore, it is important that you research where the assets are located and encourage your cousin to sell any inconveniently located assets. Your lawyer can help you with this paperwork.

It may be necessary to relocate your cousin to a more convenient jurisdiction which fully recognises your claim. If he is awkward and dying rich relatives can often be particularly miserable, it is best to leave the transfer to the last minute in order to minimise any unpleasant scenes.

What happens if he dies in transit? Well, it depends if anybody notices.

J.F

# 88. They engage in games

2011-01-16T16:34:00.002+10:00

The Perfect crime

Anyone who has seenThe Wire will know the day to day difficulties of dealing in drugs. Once, I was instructed by a client who was arrested for selling heroin just four days after he arrived in the country. There was cast iron evidence of him selling drugs to two undercover policemen. The police had achieved a result which could usually take a whole season or at least 2 episodes of The Wire.

This was part of a police operation in a drug hotspot. The police had set up cameras in strategic places to record the drug sales.

My client told me that he had been brought from Nigeria to sell heroin. If true, the local criminals had “outsourced” the solution to the police crackdown by importing my client and others like him to carry the can; thus allowing the local criminals to get on with their other felonious little plans.

The police rather than feeling suckered seemed delighted by the guilty pleas and prison sentences resulting from the strong evidence.

Police and other regulators, if left to their own devices, tend to choose the “low hanging fruit” to quickly produce statistics and avoid anything too hard e.g. shoplifting rather than fraud, speed cameras rather than anti-social behaviour. Often it depends on the strength of evidence or if the suspect admits to the offence.

So, when you are being investigated e.g. turning right at a no right turn, admitting your guilt is more likely to result in a prosecution rather than you being let off. This may not apply if you are an attractive, possibly tearful, young thing but if you too inhabit the world of the bald-headed, overweight and middle aged as we lawyers do, then certainly it is best to follow the advice of Ronan Keating and say nothing at all.

(c) Paul Brennan is a business and property lawyer on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Both "Deals and disputes".

# 87. They struggle to communicate

2010-12-12T16:19:00.000+10:00

Advice to Bill Gates

Recently, I was asked to appear on Channel 7’s “Sunrise” breakfast show to talk about Bill Gates who had decided not to leave most of his $56B to his three children. Could they challenge the will?

Here is what I wanted to say:

In Australia and most of the rest of the world, there are three ways that such children would be advised to challenge the will:

That your Dad is nuts. This is increasingly popular.
That you are still dependant on your parents. This seems to work at any age, your parents never seem to make adequate provision.
That your Dad’s lawyers messed up the terms of the will. This is an argument that we understandably, try to discourage.

Allegations of frequent loss of car keys, forgetting names and having no idea of where a car is parked are dismissed by most judges as normal behaviour. However, I suspect that trying to convince any judge that someone who gives away as much money as Bill Gates is entirely rational would be an uphill struggle, especially if he tried to maintain that his wife encouraged him to do so. I sometimes feel like a walking financial provision application myself.

Claims against rich people alive or dead have always been fairly common as long as I can remember and like Tiger Woods you never know what is coming out of the rough.

What is adequate provision? Well, $56B would do it but anything less may be the subject of a challenge.

I suspect Mr Gate’s children would prefer the whole inheritance neatly divided three ways as most of us do.

Rather than leave my own children locked in expensive and divisive litigation I have decided to take the advice I normally give to my own clients and spend it before I go. I shall leave a note explaining that it was for their own good.

Click here for what I managed to say:

Click here for other ill-fated TV appearances

# 86 Accountants laugh at them

2010-12-05T11:53:00.001+10:00

Accountants have sense of humour – shock….lawyers make them laugh

After years, of receiving polite applause or even stunned silence to mark the end of my legal presentations, I was surprised to receive the following testimonial:

“From our members feedback - Interactive, informative, interesting, dynamic, entertaining, enthusiastic, started at 1450AD and kept moving, no slides, kept us awake and felt dizzy - it makes it difficult to believe that this was a presentation on Intellectual Property law”

Institute of Chartered Accountants

If I had to put this positive feedback down to any one thing I would say it was - free grog. As in the early days of the Navy, accountants are press ganged into attending continuing legal education and given free alcohol to make it bearable. On the evening of my legal presentation, no one fell out of the rigging but such was the joyous atmosphere, I think that they are making a big mistake conducting their accountancy practices sober.

The biggest laugh of the evening was when I showed them my cash flow forecast.

Click here for information about booking Paul as a speaker or MC including a clip of him in action.

# 85 They put inheritances at risk

2010-10-03T18:08:00.002+10:00

Gifts. The importance of giving correctly.

Dear John
My elderly, rich, uncle is dying but has such a dislike of lawyers he refuses to make a will. As his closest and dearest relative I am naturally concerned about this crazy notion.

Dear RL

When you say dying, my experience is that once people reach 55 they seem to spend a lot of time dying or at least mentioning signs of decline. Rich people can be the worst offenders often outliving caring neighbours only to make a Will decades later in favour of the 50 something blond across the road. It is important to make sure that they are definitely on their way out and not just tyre kickers.

His verbal assurance is of no use, you need it in writing. It is often difficult to find the right time to bring this up but, would it be too much trouble for him to give it to you by way of gift, before he goes? Of course, this would probably cause tax issues for you, but it may help him to know that you are ready to make sacrifices too.

There are three requirements for a gift:

An intention to donate. His hatred of lawyers does sound odd. But by exposing him you risk the gift being set aside due to a lack of intention caused by his mental state. Most uncles are crazy but as they are often the source of unexpected windfalls it is seldom mentioned.
A sufficient act of delivery. As in preparing Wills, a DIY approach to documents evidencing gifts especially large ones can end in tears, as polite words such as “I wish” or “I would like” may be interpreted as future intent rather than immediate intent e.g. “I HEREBY transfer”, so involve your lawyer before hospital visits.
Acceptance of the gift by you. I assume that you have this covered.

Without all three other beneficiaries could fight you for the money and worst of all your uncle in a lucid moment could ask for it back.

# 84. They don't like lawyers either

2010-09-19T17:50:00.001+10:00

First, let’s not insult all the lawyers

I recently attended a lunch with the Australian FederalAttorney-General Robert McClelland("AG") and several other lawyers. A national newspaper had reported him as saying that anyone using a lawyer to resolve a dispute was "well and truly up the creek without a paddle". In fact,he had been misquoted and the AG had only nice things to say about lawyers.

When asked why lawyers were unpopular the AG explained that they were like politicians, clearly that explains it.

He complained of the isolation of being a politician, “the divorce rate is 80%”. Only politicians seem to find this surprising. He blamed the many hours away from home. I suggested that in the case of some politicians this may help, but no.

He said that Australian lawyers compared very favourably to US and UK lawyers in terms of their fees which after an initial feeling of euphoria made us all feel depressed. He added that Australian lawyers were ahead in terms of value too but the thought that we were charging less and doing more made us even more depressed.

He said that in dealing with constituents today he asks them the same question he asked clients when he was a lawyer in private practice which is “There are two ways that we can play this, what you want to hear or honest advice?”. Surprisingly, his clients and his constituents have always picked the “honest advice” option. I wondered if Labor has tried this in Queensland.

(c) Paul Brennan 2010 is a business and property lawyer on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. However, he attended this lunch as an occasional correspondent for the Hearsay section of the Australian Financial Review.

# 83. They give advice which can divide families

2010-09-11T12:49:00.001+10:00

Legal message to fathers

After years of striving to bring home more and more bacon, fathers realise that however much bacon is brought home, there never seems to be quite enough. For instance, daughter's wedding costs are adjusted to suit the money available as are demands for shoes, tops, foreign holidays, new cars etc. Many fathers react to this by adopting a simple Buddhist-like life style knowing that any extravagance on their part may trigger another round of spending by the rest of the family.

However, it does not need to be this way. Fathers who turn to their lawyers for a solution have been advised to channel monthly family income to the lawyer’s trust account and allow their lawyer to deal with requests for finance by family members. Such is the saving that there is soon enough money to accommodate any sensible request by the children. Lawyers ensure that rather than the usual handouts, money is given to children by way of documented loans. In some cases, it has been possible to reclassify previous handouts, as loans thus increasing the family's capital base.

The debts are immediately factored out creating a fund which can be the subject of further loans or just saved. Factors rather than parents will pursue children for repayment thus reducing family contention. Indeed, if children fall behind in repayments, parents have the funds immediately available to bail them out by way of further loans. Children soon learn the value of money and some even stop approaching their parents for money, at all.

Fathers can soon easily afford the gardeners and tradesmen to undertake the jobs that they tend to avoid doing each weekend.

Fathers will finally be able to afford the Harley Davidsons, Hawaiian Shirts and gold chains which make their life a little brighter.

With the help of their lawyer, fathers can forsake their unfulfilling and impoverished existence to become once again the fun loving, generous people they once were before they had children.

(c) Paul Brennan 2010

#. 82 They don't explain things properly

2010-09-04T10:17:00.000+10:00

Disgusting Filth

At a Formal Dinner on the other side of a large round table sat a young lady who caught my eye and said “I love your column”. She was referring to my newspaper column. We got talking across the table. She had written a manuscript which lay unpublished in the bottom of her bedroom wardrobe. She refused to tell me what it was called. I told her that I too was trying to write a novel called “Filth”.

After the Dinner, she came over and quietly told me that her novel was to be called “Disgusting” and then left. I did not get the opportunity to tell her that in Hong Kong, FILTH was a common acronym for “Failed in London Try Hong Kong”. My novel was a comic story about a London lawyer etc., etc.

Even the surest set of circumstances can turn out to be completely inaccurate. For instance, a person who repeats gossip only to find out that despite the reliable source, it is untrue. The legal action commenced on the basis of facts which later are proved untrue by expert evidence. This is why before commencing court action your lawyer will wish to engage in expensive enquiries to check the facts that you know to be true. The consequences of not doing so, can be disastrous.

It took me 15,000 words to discover that my intended novel was dull, a quite acceptable standard for law books but not for novels, so I stopped.

Recently, in a bookshop I saw a book called “Old Filth” about a lawyer who failed etc. It had been shortlisted for the Orange prize. I felt no interest in purchasing it or even opening it. Whereas I suspect “Disgusting” could develop quite a following, if it ever came out of the closet.

# 81. They hate mothers-in-law

2010-08-15T15:59:00.001+10:00

Dear John

My mother-in-law (MIL) is an interfering old harridan, you know the type.

She has just written a book entitled “My son married a prize bitch”. Her publisher says that it will be a best seller.

Can I sue?

Dear VL

Many MILs have a tense relationship with their DILs despite having once been DILs themselves. However, with the arrival of grandchildren MILs usually manage to contain their animosity to gain generous access and in return provide financial support together with baby-sitting services. To sue would risk losing these benefits.

It is better to maintain a close relationship with your in-laws while at the same time implementing a Wealth Early Transfer (WET) strategy, such as:

Debt Assistance

In-laws may be prepared to guarantee your outstanding debts especially from a failed business venture. This will enable you to increase your spending but it is usually accompanied by unwanted advice.

Joint Business Venture

It is easier to involve your in-laws in the business venture itself from the beginning. Think big and you may be able to persuade them to sell their home and move in with you, ideally in accommodation accompanying the venture. If the business flourishes then you will find yourself able to put up with your MIL but if it falters then you can throw a tantrum and lock them out. Place the business on the market and if you have chosen wisely, the sale could take years.

Looking at school fees, foreign travel and all the other expenses of having children these days it is inadvisable to fall out with, let alone sue your in-laws.

Looking on the bright side, the royalties of her new book could be yours, one day.

(c) Paul Brennan 2010. Extract from John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page. Now written on this blog

# 80. They cost money

2010-08-08T12:59:00.001+10:00

When you should speak to your lawyer?

A good gauge of when you are ready to speak to a lawyer about a legal issue or dispute is that you are awake at 3 in the morning thinking about it.

I know you will say it is alright for people like me who are married to lawyers. However, we have done the hard yards. Besides, anyone who has been married to a young lawyer will know they can be very grouchy if they are woken up at 3am. Although, admittedly we older lawyers are usually just flattered by the attention.

If you are concerned about the money that a lawyer may charge you, I suggest that you plan ahead. The next time you decide to change your spouse or partner, (for some of you the decision may be thrust upon you), consider choosing a lawyer as a replacement, believe me they are not all bad. Even if it only lasts a few months he or she will be able to help with your divorce and or property settlement which can be a big saving.

(c) Paul Brennan 2010 practices on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

# 79. They do not take death seriously enough

2010-07-27T17:45:00.000+10:00

The Grim Eater

Dear John

I was very distressed to hear lately that in New Zealand, Funeral Directors noticed that a quiet, respectable looking man in his 40’s and wearing a suit was attending up to four funerals a week. Some reported that he had plastic containers and took away food. Newspapers reported that the “Grim Eater” was eventually taken aside by a funeral director and given a stiff talking to.

Surely, this can only serve to drive up the cost of funerals for we senior citizens.

Sydney

Dear JB

Dishonestly taking funeral refreshments belonging to another without consent is theft.

This is not an uncommon problem especially where the deceased was unpopular and the relatives are desperate to get bums on seats and do not carefully vet attendees.

If you are unable to vet the attendees, I suggest that you avoid general invitations to mourners such as “You are all welcome to join us for refreshments afterwards”. This is implied consent and a defence to a charge of theft. It is probably better to say nothing as choosing the right words can be difficult. Words such as “Will friends of the deceased…” could exclude many attendees especially ex-spouses.

A refreshment ticketing system often used at accountants' funerals is ideal and particularly useful in the event of a tax office audit.

Another argument used by sandwich stealers, especially great aunts, is that the sandwiches were left over and therefore could be taken away. A small tasteful sign saying "Food must be consumed on the premises" is useful evidence. But, legally if the sandwiches were to be thrown away it could mean that they belonged to no one which is a defence to theft. In the case of left over sandwiches, it is difficult to get the Funeral Director to give evidence that they would have been re-circulated at the next funeral. Therefore a "doggy bag" clause in the funeral contract would be further evidence that the sandwiches were not abandoned.

A trespasser once discovered can be asked to leave and ejected with reasonable force. If forcible ejection is necessary it is best to have the trespasser dragged rather that lifted up onto the shoulders to avoid any claim for injury against the estate from over-enthusiastic mourners or from the trespasser him or herself.

J.F.

(c) Paul Brennan 2010. Extract from John Fytit’s International Legal Problem Page. Now written on this blog

# 78 They can be difficult neighbours

2010-07-08T11:56:00.000+10:00

Fight the Good Fight

In writing the Ten Biggest Legal Mistakes I put fighting with a neighbour near the top of the list. It can lead to you moving house, I advised.

However, against my own advice, I once punched my own neighbour in the mouth.

I had just moved to the Sunshine Coast. My son was playing outside in a noisy way and my neighbour swore at him. My son told his Mum and she went outside to reason with my neighbour.

By the time that I had got outside my wife and neighbour were arguing. I had never spoken to my neighbour but he was as usual holding a beer can in his muscly hand and wearing a white vest with little tuffs of hair growing on top of his shoulders.

I tried to steer my wife indoors, but as we moved back, the argument continued and he pressed forward in a sort of menacing drunken manner. Eventually, he raised his fist and motioned to me that he was going to hit her. He seemed to expect me to support him. He kept moving forward towards us and I hit him. He shouted that he would “sue” and then changed it to “kill” me which I felt was more appropriate in the circumstances.

The next morning, the police arrived. However, they decided that I was entitled to defend my wife in these circumstances.

Therefore, I have revised my advice to - if you cannot resist attacking your neighbours, rent.

For those of you who long to prevail in hand to hand combat, against overwheming odds, in defence of your loved ones, my wife’s verdict was “You didn’t hit him hard enough”.

(c) Paul Brennan 2010