The Real Life of a Red Head

This Baby

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 20:06:00 +0000

We named this baby Luke.

Lucas means bringer of light.

He certainly has been the light in the midst of our darkness.

He has brought healing from the loss of Joshua.

And now he has brought light to the darkness of the situation with my dad.

What a blessing he is.

Waiting with Expectation

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 19:01:00 +0000

I received a phone call this morning from my mom.

She was in tears with news about my dad.

We are now entering into the "Waiting with Expectation" phase of Dad's cancer.

What does that mean?

It means he is coming home today.

It means a hospital bed in the living room with oxygen to help him breathe and medication to keep him comfortable.

It means Hospice has been called.

It means that the time is coming nearer that I will have to say good bye to my Daddy.

It means that once again, I will watch someone I love die- my love, my mom's love, my children and husband's love...not enough to save him.

It means letting go when its time.

It means finding a new normal once again.

The mass in his lung has grown. It has cut off oxygen and has blocked a major artery.

He has weeks, possibly a month left.

He's not strong enough for chemo.

The cancer is progressing too quickly.

There is nothing left to do but love him and let go.

My heart is heavy.

First my son, now my dad. All in less than 2 years.

I've been trying to write a letter to him for the past 4 weeks.

The words won't come.

It's scary when the words simply aren't there.

Words have always been my way of coping.

There is nothing to do now but wait. Wait with expectation that God has my daddy in the palm of His hands. Wait with expectation that He will give us the strength to endure this. Wait with expectation that God will give my dad comfort and peace in his final days. Wait with expectation for the glorious day that my daddy will go Home and meet Jesus face to face- what a wonderful day that will be for him.

I wasn't ready, but I'm glad it's over.

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 19:51:00 +0000

Caleb: "Mom? What did you do with Joshua's body after he died? Did you bury him in the ground in the parks with the statues?"

Crap.

I have dreaded that question for over a year.

Caleb has been thinking a lot about death and sickness lately, and I knew that it was just a matter of time before that question came up.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

We have always been open and honest with our children about Joshua. They have seen us grieve and they know that they are always free to grieve however they need to. They know that it's ok to cry or to ask questions. They also know that we will always tell them the truth about life and death.

Today was no exception.

"Well. When people die, sometimes they get buried in the ground. After a long time, their bodies start to rot, like a piece of fruit that has been sitting on the counter for too long. After their bodies rot for a while, they turn back into dust. We were made from dust, and after we die, we turn back into dust."

"But Mom? Did you bury Joshua? Is he dust in the ground now?"

"No sweetie. We didn't bury Joshua. We cremated him. When you cremate someone, it means that their body goes into an oven and that makes them turn into dust much quicker than when they get buried in the ground."

"Joshua went into an oven? Did it hurt him?"

"No, remember? What was inside him, his soul, is in Heaven. His body is dead. He couldn't feel anything because when someone dies, their body doesn't work or feel or breathe any more. He didn't feel the heat in the oven at all. Joshua's dust is right there on that shelf. Do you want to see it?"

We pulled the box down off the shelf and showed him Joshua's ashes.

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

Why does this stuff have to be so hard?

I know life isn't fair, but I struggle to find the fairness in having to explain death to a 5 year old and 3 year old.

This pealed back a whole new layer of grief for Caleb. He's starting to be old enough to understand and he is asking some tough questions. It would be so easy to lie to him and fluff over these questions, but Shane and I both feel strongly that it's important to be truthful and to help him learn how to deal with the truth. I wish there was a manual explaining the best way to deal with this stuff.

I wasn't ready for that question. But, whew...I'm glad it's over.

Sweet Joshua,

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 16:08:00 +0000

I miss you.

A LOT.

Changing How I Pray

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:28:00 +0000

I remember during the early days after receiving Joshua's heart diagnosis, I didn't know how or what to pray.

Of course, I prayed for a miraculous healing. Of course, I prayed for Joshua to live. But, I also wanted to pray for God's will to be done.

I know the Bible tells us to ask God for the things that we want. I asked God for healing for Joshua and I asked for him to live. But at the same time, I asked for God to do what He was going to do and to give me the grace to accept it- even if I didn't understand it.

I find myself questioning what to pray for again.

I have asked God for a complete healing for my dad. I have asked Him to give my dad pain free days and years left with us. I have asked for Him to reach down and take this cancer from him.

But I have also asked for God's will to be done.

I KNOW that God can heal my dad completely from the cancer. I know He can take it all away with a single breath. But if He doesn't, I will accept it and trust Him.

The pain will be there, just like it was with Joshua. There will be days that I am angry with God, just like there was with Joshua. There will be days when I want nothing to do with God, just like there were with Joshua.

But my faith is deeply ingrained. My faith is part of who I am. It is the core of my being. I can scream and yell at God because I know He can take it. I can worship and praise God because I know He loves me, no matter what.

Instead of continuing to ask for the things that I want, I have changed the way that I pray.

I don't understand why we keep getting hit with crisis after crisis. I don't know why God keeps asking my family and me to walk through refining fire after refining fire. But I do know that He has something great in store for us.

So I've changed my prayers from asking for me, me, me to boldly asking God to make it extremely clear what we are supposed to do with all of these struggles. I've asked God to specifically and very clearly to SHOW me what He wants of me. I'm not asking for understanding or fairness. I'm simply asking God to show me His will for my life and for my family's lives.

I continue to cling to the promise that God works for the good of all who love Him. I know He has a purpose for all of this suffering. However, I'm getting tired- physically and spiritually exhausted. I can't keep walking blindly through the pain and suffering. I NEED Him to show me what He wants me to do with all of this. I need Him to show me how He is bringing glory to His name. I need Him to give me something tangible to cling to.

I'm not sure if this is the right or wrong way to pray, but I feel like God has been working on me...again. I also feel like the Holy Spirit is nudging me to pray this way, instead of for healing and for the suffering to stop.

Small Victories

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 15:31:00 +0000

I have a huge goal to lose 80-100 pounds in the next year.

I have the right support in place to help me succeed.

But while I keep my eyes on the ultimate goal, I know that it's extremely important to focus on the small victories that I accomplish along the way.

I am not this 255 pound person that I've become. My life has been out of control for a long time, and while God has taught me that it's OK to surrender the things that I cannot to control over to Him, my weight is not one of those things.

He has not created me to be 255 pounds. He has not given me food so I can over indulge and try to mask the pain of these past few years. Food has become part of my way of coping with the hard stuff, and I refuse to do it anymore. My dependance needs to be in Him and Him alone.

So, today I celebrate the small victory of beginning to work out again.

I'm not doing anything special or fancy- in fact, I discovered that we have a copy of The Biggest Loser Wii game.

It's amazing what a 28 minute ~~torture~~ workout session can do for a girl's confidence. Even though it was difficult, and 3 years ago, the work outs I'm doing now would have been cake, I'm proud of myself for pushing through it and getting it done!

So, today, I celebrate the small victory of working out again. Tonight, after I weigh in, I celebrate a smaller number on the scale- even if it's just a pound.

I'm so excited to get back to the woman God created me to be.

(On a much different note, we are also celebrating the small victories of my dad's recovery. After discovering more tumors in his femur and hip, he had to go in for surgery to place a rod in his femur to prevent it from fracturing. 3 days post surgery, he is walking again and working on sitting up for longer periods of time! We are hoping to get him HOME very, very soon!!! Continued prayers for his recovery is much appreciated!)

Fear

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

Fear is not from God. Only God's perfect love can cast out that fear.

Friends, I have been living in extreme fear these last few weeks (really, who am I kidding? I have been living in fear these past few YEARS!).

Today, I was reminded that only God's love can take away that fear.

God loves us no matter what.

It's ok to be afraid because that is when Christ's power is made perfect in our weakness.

He is with me. He will guide me. And He LOVES me beyond measure.

When I am afraid, I have to come to Him and lay that fear at His feet.

1 John 4:18 says: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

Over the past 3 years, my life has been pretty scary.

A pregnancy in which I hemorrhaged through. A devastating heart diagnosis for our unborn baby. Multiple open heart surgeries on our newborn baby. A foreclosure/short sale on our house. Many financial issues. 2 pregnancies in 2 years. PTSD. My dad's diagnosis of Stage 4 lung cancer.

I have lived my life these past 3 years in constant fear of "what is next?"

But, God's love is enough. The pain is there, but His love takes away the fear. There is Hope for a future without pain and suffering. His blood covers me.

I refuse to live in fear any more. I have no control over what is going to happen next. I refuse to be controlled by this fear anymore. God's love is enough for me and makes me perfect in Him.

255

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 15:00:00 +0000

Can you guess what that number is?

It's a number that makes me cringe every time I see it.

It's a number that represents a few years of being completely out of control.

It's a number that only I can do something about.

It's a number that I need to make smaller- for me, for my children, for my husband.

I'm sure you can guess what that number is.

I'm putting it all out there in an effort to keep me accountable. (and hopefully inspire a few of you to join me in becoming less.)

Yup. You got it.

255 pounds.

GASP!!!!!!!! I just publicly put my weight on my blog. YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Deep breath.

That number is going to be lessening. It HAS to become smaller.

This is not a New Years resolution for me. This is not something that is going to fade away in the next month.

I'm ready to fight that awful number. I'm ready to become healthy again.

For me. For my children. For my husband. But mostly for me.

This past Tuesday night I started Weight Watchers.

I participated in the Weight Watchers program 2 years ago, before I got pregnant with Joshua. I had a huge success and lost almost 50 pounds!

I remember how I felt when I lost that weight.

I felt confident.

I felt energized.

I felt healthy.

But not now.

I am embarrassed to be in my own skin.

I don't like being out of breath or struggling to get off the floor when I play with my kids.

Honestly, I'm embarrassed about the number of points that I am allowed to eat every day- they are based on my height and weight.

But no more.

I'm going to change this. That number is going to start dropping.

I'm going to find the confident Jill again- the Jill that loves herself just as God made her.

This is not about achieving a certain weight. Ideally, I would love to lose between 80-100 pounds. But as long as I'm feeling healthy and confident, I really don't care what size I am.

I'm doing this for me. I constantly give, give, give. Everything I do, I do for my children and my husband. I do nothing for myself. This is for me. As selfish as this may be, I need to do this for ME!

I'm 255. Hopefully next week, I will be a little less. Good bye 255!!!

I feel like I'm drowning.

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 16:07:00 +0000

I have been silent lately. Writing is so therapeutic for me, but the words just don't seem to come.

It's not because things have been good. Just the opposite.

I have no words for what is going through my heart and my head.

Dad's cancer is treatable. Not curable. But treatable.

The treatment can give him a few more years instead of just a few more months.

That is great news.

But, as we received this news, I stood before God like a spoiled brat stomping my feet.

Unthankful, ungrateful, and bitter.

God is giving my daddy a few more years of life. Why coudln't he do that for Joshua?

Why can't God give him a long life so he can see his grandkids grow up, see my brother get married, grow old with my mom?

Did you know that I hate the word miracle?

What defines a miracle?

Curing someone from illness? Death that takes them away from suffering? Where is the miracle in my dad's cancer and Joshua's heart defect?

Are these last few years of my dad's life going to be filled with sickness, worry, and pain? Is that a miracle? Or will the miracle come in the form of death- freeing him from all of the pain and sickness and nastiness that is growing inside his body.

Where was Joshua's miracle? Was it in the surgeries that left him drugged, swollen, and suffering? Or was it in his death- once again, freedom from the pain, more open heart surgeries, and a lifetime of medical treatment.

Where is my miracle? I'm so tired of the pain and suffering. I'm tired of the unanswered prayers. I'm tired of not understanding why these things continue to happen to us.

I'm bitter. I hate to admit it, but if I am going to be honest with myself and you, I will openly admit that I am extremely bitter.

The cancer that my dad has is mostly found in smokers. My dad is not a smoker. So why? Why did he get this?

The heart defect that Joshua had happens to 1 in 10,000 children. Why did my baby have to be the one to get it?

How does a good and gracious God allow this stuff to happen? This has been 3 years of these questions and this pain.

I'm tired. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the suffering. I'm tired of watching the people I love become sick.

I feel like I'm drowning in hopelessness.

I know God is there, but I can't help but scream out in the darkness "WHERE ARE YOU IN THIS?"

"Where is the miracle?"

"In what form will we see Your mercy?"

I just want rest. I want comfort. I want to be carried. But it's not happening.

I don't need to be preached at. I know what Scripture says. I BELIEVE what scripture says. I'm having a hard time clinging to it. I'm having a hard time trusting. I'm having a hard time seeing and understanding the bigger picture.

I'm not sure how much longer I can hang onto this thread that I've been clinging to. I'm getting tired and becoming weak. I'm desperate for help and refuge, but I don't see that coming any time soon. I don't want to drown. I want to be that woman with unwavering faith, but in all reality, I'm not. I'm struggling. I'm failing. Worst of all, I'm hurting.

Daddy Update

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 22:20:00 +0000

It's been a while since I've updated on my dad. There are so many of you who are praying, and I can't thank you enough for that. He (and we) feels your prayers and knows that God is working- even if we can't quite understand it.

He is still in the hospital. He has been moved to the continuing care unit- which was a rocky transition. The lack of communication between doctors, nurses, and my mom and dad was frustrating to put it mildly. After a few days of my mom making call after call after call, she finally got the answers they needed. They have placed him in Palliative Care- they are no longer treating his diabetes other than insulin shots to keep his blood sugar under control (it's been high due to one of the medications they put him on and is currently being weaned off of). He is not on a restricted diet any more and can eat whatever he wants when he wants. That has been a huge comfort to him- he was getting tired of the food that he had to stick to so having choices again has been a good mood booster. He also has been given different pain medications to help keep the pain under control. He currently has a pain patch that is running continuous medication through him which has helped to significantly lower his pain. Because his pain is better under control, he has been able to start physical therapy 2-3 times a day. He is able to walk with a walker, sit up in a chair for 20-30 minutes at a time, and very carefully walk up and down stairs! These are all such huge improvements from where he was 2 weeks ago and we are hopeful that these are all signs of moving in the right direction.

Today was dad's last radiation treatment. He will return to the radiologist in 6 weeks for another MRI to see if the tumors on his spine have shrunk. In the mean time, he is going down to Indianapolis on Monday for a consultation with a specialist. After fighting insurance, Mom finally got them to agree to pay 75% of the cost for an ambulance to take him down to Indianapolis- there was no possible way that dad could sit in the van for that long of a trip. Coincidentally, the specialist he is going to see is the same doctor that treated Lance Armstrong!! We are confident that he will have some treatments that will prolong dad's life for hopefully a few more years.

Right now, we are hoping to get him home by the end of next week. However, he will need assistance. There is a local cancer service organization that has provided dad with a hospital bed, bedside commode, walker, wheel chair and shower seat for use at home for as long as he may need it. We are so thankful for organizations like this who are so willing to help. God sure has been providing.

We are in good spirits. We all have our moments of sadness and shock, but we are hopeful. We realize the reality of what we are facing and sometimes words like "terminal," "life expectancy," and "palliative care" are hard to deal with. However, despite those words, we are taking one day at a time and making the best of it. We are leaning on the generous prayers and love from others, and we are rejoicing in the small triumphs along the way.

Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and support. They truly do mean the world to us.

On the 54th Day

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 14:21:00 +0000

On the 54th day, we said goodbye for the very last time.

On the 54th day, we listen to the coos from the baby who is light in the midst of our darkness.

I don't understand it, but my heart rejoices for both sets of 54 days.

Not sure what to name this post...

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 15:14:00 +0000

I cannot express how thankful I am for all of your love and support over the past week.

I have received email upon email offering support and love. I have been humbled at your love for a complete stranger. Thank you.

I hesitate to write how I'm really doing. My parents sometimes read here, and the last thing I want to do is add to their burden. I don't want their focus on me and how I'm doing- it needs to be on dad and getting him well again.

However, this is my place to let it all out. It always has been and it always will be.

Truthfully, I'm really struggling.

I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm exhausted- both physically and mentally. All I want to do is sleep.

I'm struggling with Joshua being gone- this was our 2nd Christmas without him.

I'm struggling with seeing my dad in a hospital bed in too much pain to even sit up.

I'm struggling with keeping things up at home. I don't have any desire to clean, cook, or do laundry.

I'm struggling with Luke- he cries, A LOT. I've figured out that he seems to have a dairy sensitivity, so I've cut out all dairy from my diet. He's been doing much better since I've cut it out, but it's hard. It's worth it to me for him to get the breast milk, but I'm struggling with giving up my favorite foods. Every meal and snack that I have that has no dairy in it is a small victory, but it's frustrating.

I'm struggling with feeling lost and alone. I don't want to burden my mom and dad with my grief. I don't want to bug my brother about it. I don't know when my offer to help crosses the line of being overbearing and trying to control the situation. I'm exhausted and need a break from the kids- but I hate dumping them on other people. My parents have been our main support with the kids, and now even that is gone.

I am still, very much in caretaker mode. It's hard for me to step back and let my mom do it- not because she isn't capable of it. Just because I know what a heavy burden it is to carry, and I hate seeing my mom have to go through it. I just want to see my dad well again- something I may or may not see again.

I'm frustrated with God. I struggle with being angry with Him again. Why would a good God, who loves us beyond measure, continue to let us struggle like this? He could have prevented all of this. He could still reach down and heal my dad. But He hasn't. Where is He in all of this? My dad says it's a blessing and an answer to his prayers (in a weird way), but I'm having a hard time finding the blessing in all of it. All I know is that I'm struggling with the grief all over again. I'm still grieving the loss of Joshua and now I'm in the beginning stages of grief all over again with my dad. It hurts, and I'm exhausted.

I have made the call to see a counselor. I'm just waiting to hear back from them. I'm hoping that some sort of support will help me get through this. I don't know what else to do.

Please just continue to pray for our family. Pray for my dad to have some relief from the pain and discomfort. Pray for my mom to have the strength to continue caring for him. Pray for my brother and myself as we continue to process the information that we are receiving. Pray for God to make Himself evident through it all.

Diagnosis

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 14:48:00 +0000

My mom called me about 8am this morning.

The Oncologist came around this morning and had a diagnosis.

My dad has Stage 4 Lung Cancer.

It isn't good news, but it's what we were expecting.

Apparently, the doctor has not seen a case of lung cancer this bad when the patient isn't a smoker. Gee, thanks- that's comforting....

For right now, the plan is to finish radiation. After today's treatment, he has 7 more treatments.

Once the radiation is done, he will start chemotherapy.

There is a doctor down in Indianapolis who specializes in this type of lung cancer. My dad will be headed down to him in a few days for a second opinion and to see if there is any other sort of treatment that he could go through that wouldn't be offered here in Fort Wayne.

For right now, he has a couple goals.

1.) Go Home. In order to go home, he has to get his pain under control and be able to move around by himself. He is currently working with physical therapy to get his strength back and to work on simple tasks like walking, bending, and balance.

2.) Go back to work. Once he is able to move again, he wants to continue on with life. He wants to go back to work, attend family functions, and just go back to living normally. There is no reason he can't do these things if he can get the pain under control. Once he starts chemo, he can do the treatments as an outpatient and if he's feeling well enough, continue on with life as normal.

3.) Fight, fight, fight. My dad is only 56 years old. He wants to fight this. There is no cure. This will eventually take his life. But if his body responds well to treatment, it could give him another 1 to 5 years. He wants to live as long as he possibly can. He wants to see his grandchildren grow. He wants to experience life. He is not ready to give up just yet. He still has a lot of life left in him, and he's going to make sure he can live it!

As far as we know, the doctors have not given him a specific amount of time left. It's not good that the cancer is so far advanced. It's not good that it has spread as much as it has. He could have 6 months left or he could have years. He's got a lot of good things going for him, but the cancer is severe. We are trying to remain realistic about it, but also trying to hang on to hope. We are loving him with everything that we have and will support him and love him until the end.

Once again, thank you so much for your love and support. Thank you for your prayers. We are feeling them, and they are giving us strength to continue on. Please, continue to pray for the doctors as they are caring for him, pray for our family as we are making decisions, and pray most importantly, pray for my dad- for the pain to subside, and for his body to respond well to treatments.

Quick Update...Again

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 01:50:00 +0000

Sorry that my posts have been about nothing but my dad. His sickness has taken up a lot of my time over the past week.

Here is a quick update.

We were supposed to find out the results of the biopsy today. We waited, and waited, and WAITED....still no answers. It's a bit frustrating having to wait so long- he has been in the hosptial since Wednesday and we still have no answers about what exactly he is dealing with. His oncologist was thinking about sending him home today as long as he was a little more mobile. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with him coming home though. He is still very unsteady on his feet and it will be extremely tiring for him to travel back and forth for his radiation treatments every day.

Yesterday, he was able to sit up in bed and get out of bed to sit in a chair. He is very stiff and his back is extremely sore, but he was able to move around some! We got him into a wheel chair and took him down to the cafeteria for a little bit. It was good to see him out and about.

Last night, after everyone left, he got up to go to the restroom. He lost his balance in the bathroom and fell. Thankfully my mom and 2 other nurses were able to pick him up and get him back to bed. They took him down for x-rays to make sure he didn't further damage his back. Thankfully there was no more damage and he seemed to be ok.

Today, he took a step back with his pain management. He couldn't even sit up in bed without extreme pain. We think most of his pain is due to the fall and we are hoping he will be feeling better tomorrow. Today, he is thankful for big doses of Dilaudid and Percocet.

He seems to be in good spirits. We've had some extremely difficult conversations as a family, but we haven't let any of that bring us down. He has been surrounded by family since Friday and that has been extremely comforting for him. He has also been receiving cards, phone calls, and numerous messages, emails, and comments. He has been deeply touched by each and every one of them. He has been blown away by the amount of love and support that friends, family, and complete strangers are showering him with.

I'm still struggling with the shock of it all, but I'm at peace. I know that no matter what happens, God is still good. There will be tears and frustration, but that is to be expected. I'm continuing to boldly ask God for a miracle, but I'm also trusting in His plan no matter what.

Thank you all so much for the texts, emails, and messages. I haven't had much time to respond to anyone, but I have read every single one. I appreciate the outpouring of support, encouragement, and prayers.

We are hoping to hear the biopsy results tomorrow. Once we know, I will give you another update!

This Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 03:04:00 +0000

This Christmas is not at all what I had planned.

It's actually one of the most depressing Christmas' I've ever experienced.

Quite honestly, this Christmas just sucks.

I am home. Alone.

My husband and children are in the Chicago area celebrating Christmas with Shane's family.

My grandparents, uncle, and brother are in town, but staying at my parents house.

My mom is still at the hospital with my dad who is dying from a cancer that, just a week ago, we didn't even know he had.

I'm home with a very fussy baby, looking at a half lit Christmas tree, thinking that this very likely could be my last Christmas with my dad.

There are no presents under our tree.

There was no Christmas Eve service.

There was no special meal, family get togethers, or candle light service.

There was nothing "festive" about today. Nothing at all.

As I am sitting here typing this post, I'm on the verge of tears. There are so many unknowns. How long will my dad live? How will my mom survive? What will our family look like with him gone? Will he be sick? How do we tell the kids?

But as I sit here, I also have been forced to really think about what Christmas is and what it truly means to me.

It all hurts so very much. The grief of Joshua's death is still so fresh. Now there is a new grief added to the mix. I'm losing my daddy. I'm watching my him suffer- the very man who provided for me, protected me, and loved me unconditionally. I'm watching my mom and my brother suffer and grieve as they face the reality that they will eventually lose him. I'm thinking about my children who could very likely grow up without their grandfather in their life.

As I sit here, alone, on Christmas Eve, I can't help but think of the Baby that was born so long ago. The very Baby who came to this Earth so that the suffering of this life would not be the only life we have. I have been forced to face the fact that the baby that was born in a manger is our only Hope for a future.

I have chosen to follow that baby as my Savior. I have chosen to put my trust in Him and allow Him to work in my life. By choosing Him, I have put my life in His hands- even if I don't agree with how my life is going.

He never promised easy- these past few years have been anything but easy. He never promised that following Him would make me perfect in this life. He never promised that I would never feel pain again. But, He has promised an eternal life. He has promised an eternity without suffering. He has promised life through His blood.

This Christmas, I have cried many, MANY tears. I have cried out to God. I have shaken my fists at Him and asked Him why. I have boldly asked Him for an Earthly healing for my dad. I have screamed four letter words at Him. But, I have also rejoiced that He sent that Baby to be born in the manger for me, for my dad, and for my family.

This Christmas, it truly is not about the gifts. It's not about fancy family parties, midnight church services, or pretty decorations. This Christmas it's about a baby who came to save us. It's about a Savior who loves us. It's about trusting that He is carrying us. Most importantly, it's about rejoicing that His blood covers us.

This Christmas is like no other.

Waiting

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 20:34:00 +0000

No new news on dad's prognosis.

He started radiation yesterday to try and shrink the tumor in his spinal cord. He will have 10 radiation treatments total. Today was his 2nd treatment. He will take tomorrow and Monday off and continue treatments on Tuesday.

We are waiting for the results of the biopsy. Once we get those results, we will know what kind of cancer we are dealing with and the course of treatment after radiation is over. We probably won't know those results until Monday or Tuesday.

He has had some relief from the pain in his back. He is able to sit up a little more and bend his knees. He is also able to turn over and transfer himself to the gurney when they come to transfer him to the other hospital for radiation treatments.

He is in good spirits. He is overwhelmed by the amount of love and support from family, friends and complete strangers. The support is what is keeping him going.

My family has all come in- my brother, my grandparents, my uncle, my aunt, and cousins. We are here and we are together. We are going to celebrate Christmas together- Christmas dinner in the the cafeteria. Nothing sounds more perfect than that at this point.

We continue to trust that God is here, even though I, personally, can't feel Him. I still wonder why all of this is happening and am frustrated with Him for allowing yet another trial to plague our lives. But, I trust Him. It hurts. It's frustrating. I don't understand it, but I trust it.

Thank you again, dear friends, for your love and support. It means the world to us.

Update on Dad

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 13:48:00 +0000

Just wanted to give a quick update on my dad.

We found out yesterday that he has 3 large masses in his body.

2 of the masses are in his upper left chest area. One of them is 7cm in diameter. The other is smaller but is in his lung.

The 3rd mass on his spinal cord between his shoulder blades.

There are also multiple little masses all down his spinal column.

They are going to do 2 things today.

First, they are going to do a biopsy of one of the masses. They have not said officially what these masses are, but they are fairly sure it is probably lung cancer. (Surprise, surprise, you don't have to smoke to get lung cancer...)

Second, they are going to start radiation on the mass on his spine. They don't want that mass pressing on his spinal cord. If it started to put pressure on the spinal cord, it could cause paralysis. We don't want that.

If this does turn out to be lung cancer, they are saying it is most definitely stage 4. (The very worst kind.) There is no cure for this type of cancer, but it can be treated to hopefully prolong his life.

Their very first goal is to get his pain under control. He is still in a lot of pain. He can't move and can do nothing but lay flat on his back. He's pretty miserable.

Thank you all so much for your prayers. I have been reading dad all of the comments here and on facebook. He is shocked at all the love and support that is surrounding him.

We are all hanging in there. Family is surrounding him. We are all shocked and devestated at the diagnosis, but I know we will remain strong for each other.

Please continue to pray.

Clinging to Him

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 15:59:00 +0000

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9

My dad is still alive.

He is in a great hospital with fantastic doctors caring for him.

Other than the cancer, he is in relatively good health.

My God will NEVER leave us. He is with us every step of the way.

I am tired- So weary. But Jesus himself promises rest.

Luke smiled a real smile for the first time this morning.

I'm focusing on these things, along with the hundreds of other things we have to be thankful and praiseworthy for.

I'm sure the weeping will come, but I HAVE TO keep my eyes on Jesus. He is my only Hope. He is my dad's only Hope. He is the great Healer- whether that is here on Earth or in Heaven.

God has taught me to simply be still and trust. I have no control. I'm trusting in Him. No matter what.

Prayer Warriors Get Ready for Battle

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 04:00:00 +0000

It's with an extremely heavy heart that I am writing to ask you again for prayers on behalf of our family.

There is no beating around the bush.

We found out tonight that my dad has cancer- and a lot of it.

Over the past few weeks, he has been struggling with soreness in his back. Over the past week, the pain has become unbearable. He has had multiple trips to the ER and has been given some extreme pain medication. Just yesterday they discovered that 2 of his vertebrae are fractured.

The problem is, is there was no trauma to his back to cause the break.

Today they performed an MRI. He was in so much pain, he couldn't get off the table. After a brief review of the MRI, they found masses in his spine. However, the cancer did not originate in the spine.

He has been transferred a larger hospital in the city just east of us for more testing. They need to first find out where the cancer is and where else it has spread.

Please.

I'm begging you.

Pray for our family- my mom, dad, and brother. Pray for his doctors.

Just Pray.

I'm absolutely devastated. My dad and I are extremely close.

I'm not sure if I can handle another loss. I'm not sure if our family can handle another loss. I'm not sure if my faith can handle another loss.

I find myself asking where God is in all of this. Why does he continue to allow our family to face the trials we have faced? Why does he allow this type of suffering? When is it going to end?

Please. I'm begging you for your prayers.

Insanity!

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 13:56:00 +0000

My life has been complete insanity over the past few days.

Luke is extremely colicky and seems to be growing. He has been nursing every hour or so for the past couple days. Nights included.

According to Hannah, Clifford's birthday happens to be tomorrow (he's turning 4) and she's planning a HUGE birthday party. I got put in charge of helping her get all of her tiny pets ready for the party. (you know, the party that I somehow got suckered into making treats for....all for a stuffed animal....) How do I get involved in this stuff?!

Caleb has been puking and pooping his guts out. Last week he was hit with the flu. Then came a sinus infection that I've been trying to avoid going to the doctor for (I don't want to pay the $35 copay and then $10 for the prescription). I keep hoping it's going to clear up, but I think I'm going to have to suck it up and take him to the doctor. Then, last night, he started puking and pooping again. It was a long night of helping him stay comfortable and cleaning up his messes.

Shane was hit with some sort of sickness yesterday as well. He has a sore throat and his body is extremely achy. I've quarantined him to our bedroom in hopes that Hannah, myself, and Luke will not catch whatever he has.

I continue to try to keep the house up, calm a screaming baby, work on "ABC's" with Hannah on a somewhat consistent basis, keep Caleb from trying to marry and kiss Sophia, and try to maintain some sort of sanity for myself!

I'm overwhelmed, but in a good way. This is the stuff of life, and I'm thankful for it. But I am looking forward to life calming down a bit in the near future.

Getting Married

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 14:19:00 +0000

Yesterday, I caught Caleb trying to sneak something into his backpack.

When I asked him what it was, he gave me a shy look and a goofy smile. He responded that he didn't want to tell me.

Like any good mother, I continued to press the issue- asking what he was trying to sneak to school that he shouldn't be.

Finally, he gave in.

He pulled out a Ziploc bag with a (cheap) ring from my jewelry box.

When I asked him what it was for, he gave me a goofy look and said he didn't want to tell me.

Once again, I kept pressing...I was determined to find out what he was up to.

He finally gave in and whispered in my ear, "Mom, I'm going to ask Sophia to marry me!"

WHAT?!

I kept my cool and asked him why he was going to do that. His response? "She's so cute!"

WHAT?!?!?!

After talking about it some more, we finally asked him what it means to be married.

His response? "To KISS!!!!!!!!"

NO!!!!! NO!!!!! NO!!!!!!

The only one he is supposed to love and kiss is ME!!!!!

I thought I had a few more years before this love stuff started!

"Excuse me Ma'am..."

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 12:00:00 +0000

"Ma'am! Come back! You left all of your bags at the register!!!"

Yup.

I paid for all of my groceries at the self check out

and proceeded to walk out of the store without a single one of them.

Sleep deprived much?!

I Was Convinced He Was Dying.

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 15:21:00 +0000

Last week, I wrote about how I was struggling with flashbacks again.

Since writing that post, I've had some extremely severe anxiety.

I had this PTSD under control. I knew how to control the flashbacks when they came. I was able to keep my mind from going there.

But not lately.

Luke is such a blessing, but I'm not going to lie. I am ready for him to get a little bigger.

His noises, expressions, and movements are proving to be too much for me at times.

Last Thursday night, Luke was crying uncontrollably. His belly was distended and he was sweating.

I was convinced that he was dying. I was convinced he was in heart failure or had a blocked bowel or something and he was not going to live through the night. I couldn't function. (Reality was the fact that he just needed to poop- once he did, he was fine.)

I was flashing back to Joshua coding. I could see him blue in my arms. I pictured myself trying to get the mobile off his bed so the doctor could work on him. I pictured him dead. Once again, I couldn't function. I thank God that Shane was home that night and was able to take care of him and let me get myself together.

After I came out of it, I wanted to do nothing but rock Luke. I didn't want to go to bed, I didn't want to watch TV, I didn't want to talk to Shane. I just wanted to rock my baby to make sure that he was ok.

I'm really struggling with all of this. When Luke chokes when I'm feeding him, I remember Joshua choking. When Luke holds his breath when he stretches and his face turns red, I remember Joshua changing colors because of lack of oxygen. When Luke cries a certain way, I remember the way Joshua was crying the morning he died.

I had the flashbacks under control. I was able to stay away from certain triggers that caused the flashbacks. I can't just walk away from Luke. He HAS to be taken care of. I WANT to take care of him. I want to be the very best mom that I can for him. It's not his fault that I am struggling.

I talked to my doctor this week. I really don't want to medicate. I'm breastfeeding and don't want to pass on anything to Luke that isn't completely necessary (even if it is considered safe).

We've decided that I'm going to go back to counseling. I have to get this under control, and I know that I can. I also know that once Luke gets a little older and a little bigger, it won't be such a struggle for me. The triggers will be gone and I will be able to control it again.

At this point, it's a mind game. It's a matter of reminding myself that Luke is healthy. It's a matter of reminding myself that what I experienced with Joshua was extremely traumatic and I still have a lot of healing to do. It's a matter of convincing myself that Luke is NOT dying and that it's all in my head.

A Letter to my Children

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 12:00:00 +0000

Dear Caleb and Hannah,

As I've been thinking about how blessed and lucky I am to have you as my children, I wanted to write to you to tell you just how truly important you are to me.

Over the past few years, life has been a struggle. Our family has struggled in just about every aspect of our lives.

My priorities as a mother in your first few years of life were mixed up. I chose work over you. Any chance I had, I would dump you on your daycare provider, your grandparents, and even close friends. I was young, exhausted, and overwhelmed.

Your daddy and I were struggling financially. We fought about money, household chores, and everyday responsibilities. Our early years as a family were rough.

After 6 years, your baby brother, Joshua, came along. He changed the very essence of who our family was. He changed me, therefore changing how I mothered.

Joshua taught me what precious treasures you are.

After Joshua died, Caleb and Hannah, you guys became my lifeline. You became my reason to get out of bed every day. The two of you kept me afloat when I was sinking into the deep and dark pit of despair. Your innocence and joy were contagious. You gave me reason to laugh when I felt like there was none.

That is a heavy burden to carry- the burden of giving your mother strength, when you yourself were confused and sad. That was a heavy burden to carry when you truly didn't understand what was going on. I'm sorry that you had to do that for me.

In fact, I'm sorry for a lot of things that I have done to you. I'm sorry that my priorities were mixed up at the beginning of your lives. I'm sorry for the times that I didn't see you as the precious gifts that you are. I'm sorry for choosing myself over you, time and time again. I'm sorry for not loving you like I should have. I'm sorry that it took the illness and death of your brother to finally open my eyes to where I was failing you. I'm sorry for the mother that I was.

Caleb and Hannah, I have changed. Joshua helped with that, but ultimately your unconditional love is what helped to change the way I love you. Now that baby Luke is in our lives, my love for you has grown again. I watch you as you love him and care for him. As I watch the 3 of you lay on the floor, talking to each other, playing games, and just being together, I am overwhelmed with a sense of pride in who the 3 of you are and I look forward to seeing who you will become.

Caleb and Hannah (and Luke too) I love you. Sometimes that doesn't seem like enough. I know I still fail you, but I want you to know that I will NEVER put anything before you again. You are a gift to me. You are treasured and loved beyond measure.

I love you so much,

Your Mommy

Our Family According to Hannah

noreply@blogger.com (The Real Life of a Red Head) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 12:00:00 +0000

Hannah drew our entire family on Post It notes.

To help you interpret- the scribbles on top of everyone's heads are NOT hair. They are brains.

The scribbles on the sides of everyone's heads are cheeks and NOT ears.

And most of us don't have mouths.

Enjoy!

Notice how skinny daddy is.

Can't get it to turn the right way.

I asked her what the scribbles on her grandpa's face were. Of course, it was his beard! Pretty good!!!

Baby Joshua apparently has 4 eyes...or 4 noses...or something....


Grammy apparently has LOTS of brains.


Couldn't get it to turn the right way either.

When I asked her where Mommy was, she looked at me like I was crazy, pointed at me, and said, "You are right there, silly!" Well DUH!!!

And every family wouldn't be complete without this:

And that, my friends, is our family according to Hannah!