Labamout

Kings House Property is On The Jamaica Real Estate Market

2009-10-10T11:13:00.001-04:00

KINGSTON – The Government of Jamaica is looking to raise capital from all avenues. The latest sacrifice is the 190 acre property housing the official residence of the Governor-General of Jamaica.

This did not come as a surprise to many Jamaicans as majority of the population doesn’t find it necessary to have a Governor General, especially when he occupies expensive real estate at such a economically crucial time.

The Governor General and his staff will move to old King’s House in Spanish Town.

The affidavit in Parliament proposes that the property be sold as is, with the house, or be divided into residential lots. The latter would generate more funds in record time.

The documents also outlined that there are individuals interested in purchasing the nude statues at the entrance of Emancipation Park.

This article is fictitious. It is a satire or a parody.

New Kingston Football Club Captain to Run for FIFA President

2009-10-10T11:00:00.000-04:00

KINGSTON – The Captain of the New Kingston Football Club announced his candidacy for President of the Federation Internationale de Football Association, FIFA in 2010 at a press conference at the Pegasus Hotel in Kingston yesterday.

Trevor ‘top baller’ Williams says that he is very confident about is chances and will submit the necessary documentation to the FIFA executive committee on Monday, October 12, 2009.

Williams says he has the full backing of the presidents of JFF and CONCACAF, his family, friends, and team mates. Sports Minister, Hon. Olivia Grange says that all of Jamaica is proud of Trevor and wish him all the best.

Hotels in Kingston to Have Nude Floors

2009-10-08T19:21:00.001-04:00

KINGSTON – Jamaica Hotel and Tourist Association JHTA announced today that hotels in Kingston will feature nude floors to attract more tourists to the island capital.

Hammered by the world economic crisis and a sharp downturn in visitors to Kingston, JHTA officials call the move a game changer and this will put the hotels in Kingston on par with large resorts in Ocho Rios, Montego Bay, and Negril, which offer similar services.

The top two floors of each hotel will receive a makeover, featuring swanky indoor and roof top swimming pools, flush with white sand and palm trees. The windows on this floor will also be coated with very dark tint.

Special highlights will include a “see and blind” policy among visitors and staff, and a “no standing near the edge” rule.

“I am so excited to see this materialized,” commented the official. “This new feature will undoubtedly set the tone for other hotels in cities like New York, London and Paris.”

We are still awaiting comments from church leaders.

This article is completely fictitious. It is a satire or a parody.

Puma to Manufacture Tires For Ferrari called “Rubber Bolt” in Jamaican Factory.

2009-10-08T19:20:00.001-04:00

GERMANY – Puma has signed a long term contract to manufacture tires for Ferrari formula 1 cars using the same material used to manufacture Usain Bolt’s running spikes.

Dubbed the Sprint factory, the 65,000 square foot complex, sitting on 300 acres of land in rural Trelawny Jamaica, will be the home of Puma ‘Rubber Bolt’ tires. This should bring significant revenue to the yam parish and Jamaica.

The idea came up when officials from Ferrari saw Usain Bolt win the 100m at the Berlin Games in a World record time of 9.58 seconds. They were attracted to his yam colored spikes made from real yam skin grown in Trelawny, Jamaica.

Breakthrough in nano technology was used to combine yam skin with rubber to form a material called yubber.

Ferrari will introduce the Rubber Bolt tires in the 2011 season.

This article is completely fictitious. It is a satire or a parody.

New Grammy Reggae Category, “Best Bad Man Song”

2009-10-08T11:25:00.001-04:00

NEW YORK – The Recording Academy which brings you the annual GRAMMY Awards announce Wednesday that it will add a new Reggae Category to it’s show featuring bad man dancehall songs.

Grammy’s P.R. Manager Mark Thomas made the announcement, citing the great success and impact that this music have in Jamaica and across the world.

Mr. Thomas pointed out that a lot of Americans especially young white college students ‘diggs’ the whole Gaza vs Gully feud with songs from Movado and Vybz Kartel been played a lot in frat parties, taking over from Rock and Hip Hop.

This will increase the Reggae category to 2, the other is Best Reggae Album.

This article is fictitious, a satire or a parody.

Bill Clarke Vows To Buy B.N.S then close it Down

2009-10-03T11:48:00.001-04:00

KINGSTON – Former head of Scotia Bank Jamaica Bill Clarke vows to buy the local banking group and then close it down.

Mr. Clarke is currently in a legal battle with Jamaica most profitable company, after a bitter resignation with it’s case now at the Court of Appeal.

Mr. Clarke disclose that he currently have 90% of the funds to make a hostile takeover, making shareholders an offer they can’t refuse. This he said will close all case.

“With my many profitable endeavors, I should be able to start the process in January 2010”, said the former chairman.

This article is fictitious, a satire, or a parody.

Portmore Mayor asking for City Status to Bid for the 2020 Olympics.

2009-10-02T13:38:00.001-04:00

PORTMORE Jamaica – The municipality of Portmore, St. Catherine, stands a very good chance of hosting the 2020 Olympics if it was a city, says Mayor Keith Hinds.

The mayor disclosed that he will be making a presentation in Parliament in his bid to become Jamaica’s third city. He outline that the completion of Portmore’s hospital is the only obstacle in a what is an inevitable outcome in favor of Portmore.

The mayor continued saying that there is more than enough land and housing to host the Olympics. In terms of funding for such an extremely expensive event, the mayor said that he have no doubt we can pull it off.

This article is fictitious, a satire, or a parody.

(SHOCKED) Prime Minister Bruce Golding Selling Bank Of Jamaica.

2009-10-02T00:28:00.001-04:00

KINGSTON – In a news conference on Thursday, Prime Minister Bruce Golding gave details of a negotiation with the Barbados Government to buy Jamaica’s Central Bank. This he said would raise significant funds needed to fill a big gap in the budget.

The Prime said that the Minister of Finance Audley Shaw and Governor of the Bank Of Jamaica Mr. Derick Latibeaudiere are now in Barbados to finalize the deal.

The Prime Minister explained that we have no choice but to sell the Central Bank because the country is in a deep depression and is gravely in need of cash. He also assured the shocked and surprised journalists that our currency will remain the same.

The Prime is asking the citizens of Jamaica to be understanding as the sale is completely in the best interest of the country.

This article is fictitious, a satire, or a parody.

IMF Wants Jamaica To Present Collateral Before They Can Issue Loan.

2009-09-30T23:47:00.001-04:00

NEW YORK – I.M.F officials are saying that Jamaica needs to present some form of asset to stand as security for the loan the country have applied for.

An I.M.F official who wants to remain anonymous because they are not authorize to discuss the matter, said that the organization will be sending a group of consultants to valuate thousands of acres of land, government buildings and even historical landmarks in Port Royal, and Spanish Town.

IMF officials are worried Jamaica won’t be able to pay back it’s loan due to the depressed state of the economy so they are taking no chances.

When asked for any specific area they would like obtain the official said that after a long meeting and a small coffee break, the Blue Mountains seem like the preferred choice.

This article is fictitious, a satire, or a parody.

About Labamout

2009-09-01T10:24:00.000-04:00

Labamout is a satirical blog with fictitious articles, established in 1974.

Labamout invents name, situations, events and institutions and any reference to real names are coincidental.

The content of this blog is Copyright by Labamout Inc. located in Kingston, Jamaica and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or part without the expressed written consent of the publisher.

Labamout is not intended for readers under the age of 18.

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2009-09-01T10:21:00.000-04:00

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