Now What Happens?

The Next Day - David Bowie

2013-05-28T09:00:00.000+01:00

Watching the superb "Five Years" documentary on BBC2 the other night, I realised that I hadn't yet listened to David Bowie's new album, The Next Day. So, here's a quick first listen review!

The cover itself is a re-working of the classic "Heroes" cover. But can the contents get close to that great album?

Title track The Next Day is a straight-forward rocker, which hooks you in with repeated listens.

Dirty Boys has a squawking guitar and sax backing which sounds like it could be inspired by Kurt Weill or Tom Waits. The former is a long-time Bowie favourite, of course.

On track three, the single The Stars (Are Out Tonight), Bowie's multi-tracked vocal stands out for me; along with a beautiful string section and a synth sound reminiscent of Warszawa, from "Heroes". This track took a while to get going, and then finished, just as I was starting to appreciate it.

Love Is Lost feels dark, both musically and lyrically. The whole album has a dark theme to it, so far. Of course, Bowie's work has always been best when it pokes around in the dusty corners of life, fame, love, drugs and music.

Where Are We Now?, the album's first single, is the first slower number. A melancholy ballad which seems to look back on Bowie's time in Berlin. Beautiful. Deservedly his first top ten hit for twenty years.

Valentine's Day didn't have much impact on me. Likewise Boss Of Me, from later in the album. There are fourteen tracks on the album, with three more 'bonus' tracks (is there any such thing as 'bonus' tracks in these download days?) so it's not surprising that there is some thriller.

If You Can See Me is the most up-tempo tune so far and approaches the fringes of the dance music he explored on Earthling, without being too drum'n'bass. I could see myself bopping around the kitchen to it while I cook the dinner.

I'd Rather Be High washes over me, like Valentine's Day, at first. But it has a feel of psychedelia, like something Inspiral Carpets might have released in the 90s, so it could grow on me.

Dancing Out In Space starts off sounding like something James might have recorded in their pomp. That's a compliment. It's a definite toe-tapper. Sonically, it starts moving in unexpected directions which keep the interest up as the tune progresses. Is it a reference to Major Tom? Still floating out in space, looking for a girl to dance with?

How Does The Grass Grow? sounds like a return to the classic Bowie of Scary Monsters era, with an unexpected ya-ya chorus reminiscent of Apache by The Shadows. Odd, but effective.

The past few tracks have lifted the melancholy mood of the album somewhat.

(You Will) Set The World On Fire is a heavier track with a Jack White-style riff.

You Feel So Lonely You Could Die brings us back down to ballad territory. It might be a song about the loneliness of the long-distance spy. But we get an echo of Ziggy's Five Years in the outro of the song.

Heat rounds off the album proper. An atmospheric bass and synth opening, at a very slow pace, very much in the vein of the Berlin trilogy, along with gnomic lyrics. Again, a beautiful track, but what does it mean.

Bonus tracks:

So She - a sweet love song.

Plan - an instrumental. Not one of his best.

I'll Take You There - rounding things off with a celebration of Bowie's life in the USA.

The whole album at this point seems to be Bowie's reflections on his career, and you wonder if he's happy with what he has done over the past 40 years. Well, his fans are happy, so he should be! But maybe the meaning's are more obscure than that.

Overall, it's a brilliant return to form. I can't believe it's been out for 3 or 4 months and I hadn't got around to downloading it yet. Tony Visconti said that Bowie recorded 29 tracks for The Next Day and that more would be included in the next album, due to get underway sometime this year. I can't wait!

Cloud Atlas

2013-05-27T16:09:00.003+01:00

I recently read Cloud Atlas, the novel by David Mitchell. I found it an incredible read. The story starts off in the 19th century, with a trader travelling in the pacific. He sails for home and is befriended by a doctor on board ship. Our hero falls sick and gets more ill as time goes along, when suddenly... It's the early 20th century and we're with a con-man/musician, on the run from dodgy characters and trying to make some money from an ailing composer.

And thus the story continues, every time we reach a crisis point in the story, it jumps forward in time to a new, seemingly unrelated story, until we're in the far, distant future, in a world unrecognisable from our own. And when that story completes, Mitchell brings us back through each world, completing each story in turn until we are back where we started.

It' a brilliant device, and you will have great fun spotting the connections between each story. And wondering which of the chapters is "real" or "fiction" in the context of the stories which come after.

Probably one of the best novels I've ever read.

New Olympic Events

2012-07-18T12:55:00.001+01:00

Less than 10 days to go and I'm really looking forward to the following events which are debuting at this year's Olympics:

British Bulldog - Team GB's big medal hope.
Kiss Chase.
Off-Ground It.
Block 1-2-3.
Conkers - may be stymied by the lack of conkers in August.
Dodge Ball.
Red Rover.
French Skipping - ironically the French aren't fancied this time.
Please Mr Crocodile.

Do please let me know what other events should be considered for 2016.

Heavy Medal

2012-07-05T14:43:00.002+01:00

My workplace is holding a competition to predict the final medal tally for Team GB in the Olympics. I've recorded my prediction (well, guess) below so I can keep track...

Gold = 21
Silver = 16
Bronze = 18

Total = 55

Unfortunately, the cycling, which got us 12 medals in 2008, has been butchered and there are now far fewer medal opportunities in that sport. But home advantage should give GB a chance to increase the overall medal tally since the last Games. I reckon they should surpass the total of 47 medals, but I'm being conservative and predicting an increase of only 2 golds.

It's sobering to realise that UK Sport's official target is only 1 higher than the Beijing games.

Show Me The Body

2012-06-29T14:41:00.001+01:00

Only 3 weeks to go now until Habeas Corpus at the Plaza Theatre in Romsey.

I'm playing Canon Throbbing, the thrusting 'young' vicar, who is engaged (for the past 10 years) to Connie Wicksteed, the doctor's dowdy sister.

Obviously, mine is the main role, even though other people have more lines and more time on stage...!

Read more about the play here.

If you want to come and see it, you'd better get a move on, as tickets are selling fast. No, really, they are.

Buy tickets here.

A Little Socialist

2012-06-13T15:00:00.001+01:00

In this country we drive on the left. Trains go on the left too. When you're walking through the London Underground there are signs everywhere telling you to 'Keep Left'.

I am a good Pavlov's dog and this conditioning has been burned into my brain. Keep left in crowded places to make it easier for yourself and everyone around you.

So why is it that wherever I go - along pavements; through doorways; in shopping centres - I have to continually fight against the stream of dolts all making their way, for no apparent reason, on the RIGHT?!

I seem to be the only person who makes any effort to stay on the right side of the gangway. What is it about the rest of the population which makes them ignore the rules which have been subliminally planted into our brains?

Other people are such idiots!

Markhov

2012-06-12T15:59:00.003+01:00

As the rain has been coming down harder than Lord Leveson on a journalist, I've noticed that people "out there" are bloody idiots with their umbrellas. I've lost count of the number of times I've nearly been speared in the leg, knee, belly or nuts by a carelessly carried brolly. These sub-human morons seem to like carrying brollies spear-like, pointed-end forwards, as if they are cavemen from 1 Million Years BC, rather than supposedly intelligent and civilized homo sapiens. Add to this their inability to walk around without taking their eyes away from the madly flashing screens of their bloody iPhones! You're taking your life into your hands out there, I'm telling you!

Popping Up

2012-06-02T16:39:00.001+01:00

Well, here's the thing. When I said "see you in 6 months" in my last post, I didn't actually mean it. So here we are five months later!

Zachary is now almost 10 months old (in two days time) which really accounts for my lack of activity here.

When I sum up what's happened since I last posted, it's very simple:

Zachary.
Work.
Acting.
Watching telly.

I'm currently rehearsing for RAODS' production of Alan Bennett's Habeas Corpus, a play I directed a few years ago for Ottershaw Players. If I hadn't been an idiot, I could have linked to my Habeas Corpus blog, but I stupidly deleted it a couple of years ago.

I'm playing Canon Throbbing, the randy, but ineffectual vicar, a part which Tim Matthews made his own and into whose Jesus sandals I am now stepping.

Do come along to see it. It'll be great fun and our shows are usually sell-outs so you need to get your tickets soon.

That seems to be all there has been time for (although I'm conveniently forgetting a couple of lovely evenings out with friends Kirsten & Craig to see Jon Richardson and Dave Gorman at The Lights in Andover. Not all at the same time.)

New Year, New Template

2012-01-09T18:41:00.000Z

I've just been reminded that I haven't posted here since the end of August. Somehow, with a new baby, and a job that's been taking up loads of time, I haven't got around to it. But it's a new year, so here's an attempt at a fresh start.

Zachary is now 5 months old. So, to celebrate, here's a picture.

Work has been insanely busy. I've been technical lead on a project to move our company's middleware infrastructure from OC4J to Weblogic. If you know what that means, well done! If you know how to tune Weblogic for scalability, give me a ring!

I've also been doing stuff with RAODS (www.plazatheatre.com). I've got a small part in their upcoming production of Ladies Day and I'm doing sound design for Frozen (which is coming up much sooner than I'd anticipated. Yikes).

And, of course, I've been blogging far too little. Hopefully that will change this year.

See you in 6 months!

Opportunity

2011-08-31T17:34:00.001+01:00

Our lovely new boy Zachary's full name is Zachary William Canaveral Gresham Moore.

People have asked why we called him Canaveral. Well, he was due on 21st July, when space shuttle Atlantis touched-down after its last mission. MLYW and I are huge fans of space flight, exploration and astronomy. Watching a space shuttle launch was an ambition for both of us. One which will now never happen, and we wanted to mark the event in our own quirky (and possibly slightly mad) way.

I've also just been reading about the Mars Rover, Opportunity (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opportunity_rover) which is still exploring the surface of Mars. It originally landed there in Jan 2004 on a mission that was due to last 92 days. 2,682 days later, it's still functioning.

Five days after Zachary was born, Opportunity arrived at Endeavour Crater. At 14 miles across, it's the largest crater yet to be visited by the rover and it arrived after a 3 year drive from its previous destination (Victoria Crater).

It amazes me that this little robot, designed and built 9 years ago, which was meant to cover a distance of around 600 metres, is continuing to do groundbreaking scientific work after more than 20 miles of dusty, stormy trekking on an alien planet.

When I think of its lonely 3 year journey, I feel proud of mankind's achievments and it gives me hope that we can all do something positive in the future.

The Mars Exploration Rovers launched from Cape Canaveral in Florida.

Going Backwards?

2011-07-26T23:10:00.000+01:00

We watched a documentary about the last Space Shuttle flight today and it got me thinking that, in some ways, technological improvements have stalled at the start of the 21st century.

We are so used to things becoming 'better' or 'faster' or 'bigger' (or indeed, 'smaller') as time passes and knowledge increases. I'm sure we've all had the experience of telling a disbelieving child/student that when we were their age there were no computer games; that you had to find phone-box and have a 2p piece to call someone if you weren't at home; that if you missed a film at the cinema you had to wait 7 years until it turned up on TV and if you missed it then, well, tough. Buying music was a totally different experience; it wasn't the mass media, instantly available commodity it has now become.

Yes, we currently amaze our children with stories of how things were different, and to their minds, slightly backward, in the past. But watching the film of Atlantis's last landing, it struck me that in my lifetime I've seen the development, testing, commercial success and death of both the space shuttle and Concorde.

When my soon-to-be-born son is old enough, I will tell him that before he was born, there was no such thing as holographic TV, and you weren't able to teleport a cornish pastie straight to your oven from Greggs' pastie factory in Uttoxeter, and that we had to walk everywhere because hoverboots hadn't been perfected.

But I will also be telling him that we had a passenger plane that travelled at twice the speed of sound and flew to New York and back in 6 hours. And that we had a spaceship which could fly into orbit, help to build a space-station and then return, over and over again. And that, before the shuttle, we sent 12 men to walk on the moon; not because it was easy, but because it was hard.

These things that happened in my lifetime sound futuristic. And it makes me sad because he may not believe me.

11 Numbers

2011-06-24T18:54:00.000+01:00

4 - days til payday.
6 - years today since MLYW and I got married.
4 - weeks until our baby is due.
10 - days of paternity leave due.
9 - months left until the landlord puts the house back on the market.
6 - performances of Damages, my debut with RAODS.
6 - days since our last performance of Damages.
6 - weeks that we rehearsed Damages.
1 - year until I can realistically plan to direct something again.
51 - days until my 45th birthday.
20 - years until I reach retirement age.

Olds

2011-05-12T07:51:00.000+01:00

So, the "news", as promised last Friday. It's not really news at all. More like "non-news". We were going to be moving house - our landlord wants to sell, our lease ends in June, so we found somewhere else and wheels were in motion.

But then, after giving notice, our landlord said that, as we're having a baby in July (and as she's having trouble selling!) she would take it off the market and guarantee our lease until March. Which was nice!

So, the non-news is, we're not moving.

Thank you.

[This riveting anecdote was originally told by Peter Ustinov on 'Parkinson' in 1972.]

Where Have YOU Been?

2011-05-06T20:30:00.001+01:00

Yes, I know that's what you're asking. On 31st December I resolved to post here every day. The next post was on 2nd January (d'oh!) and since then... nothing! What a dolt!

Well, four months ago I was worrying about learning my lines - no change there then. I'm now worrying about learning my lines for a different play. This time I'm performing in Damages by Steve Thompson, with RAODS at the Plaza Theatre, Romsey. It's a cracking play, but with tons of lines, definitely the most I've had to do, so I've really got to get cracking and learn the part.

Anyway - that's just a quick update so that my millions of loyal readers (ha!) don't wonder whether I've dropped off the planet.

In other news... Actually, no. You can wait until Monday for the other news!

Gotta Dance!

2011-01-02T18:29:00.002Z

So much for my "blogging every day of 2011" resolution. Broken on day One.

Yesterday was spent moving a bookshelf into our dining room and filling it with three boxes of plays and theatre-related books. I find it amazing that boxed things take up much more room than the same items on a shelf. I have a very loose grasp of spatial dynamics!

Last night we drove up to Surrey to have dinner with my family in honour of Mum's birthday. It's a birthday with a big, round number in it, but I'm not allowed to reveal the number. We're not yet up to the number of trombones in the big parade though.

A huge curry was consumed, presents were opened (birthday and Christmas) and a good time was had by all. Then we drove back, even though I was, by then, too fat to reach the gear stick.

Today, after some minor domestic chores, I had a rehearsal for Cinderella. I'm getting there with my lines (just about) but I find that I can't remember lyrics and dance steps simultaneously. I can do one or the other, but when I try both, I forget both. Which isn't very helpful for anyone. Extra rehearsals this Friday - I know that I need it!

I want to dig out my script for Outside Edge. I think that was the last time I had to learn as many lines as I have in this show, and that was 7 years ago. Small parts only for me from now on!

Cinderella, produced by Colbury and Ashurst Theatrical Society, on at Hanger Farm Arts Centre (West Totton, near Southampton) 21st to 29th January, 2011. For times, ticket prices and booking information follow this link.

Wallop! Get in!

2010-12-31T14:01:00.000Z

Dum-de-dum! Another far-too-long stretch of time since I last blogged. Well, as it's December 31st I may as well make one of those oh-so-pointless New Year resolutions and say that I will try to blog every day in 2011. Who knows, there may even be something for me to write about?

Usually, at this time of year, I do a round-up of what's been going on in my odd little world over the past 12 months. But the last year feels like as if we've been in suspended animation, waiting for things to move on, and so a full review would be, for me, a teeny bit depressing.

In brief, 2010's highlights were:

My last stage performance with Ottershaw Players in the Farrago (Feb).
My last show with Ottershaw Players (stage manager for And Then There Were None in June).
Joining CATS for Cinderella (Oct).
NODA Summer School (Aug).
Finally selling our house in Aldershot (Jul - Dec).
Moving down into the countryside (Dec).

In between those highlights were lots of frustrations and worries. My Dad's health problems weren't the least of these, but we're very glad that he's now making good progress.

Anyway, hey ho, and all that.

This month, we've finally moved down to Over Wallop, which is in Hampshire, between Andover and Salisbury. My 50 minute drive to work (usually well over the speed limit) is replaced by a sedate 15 minute drive. So that should save me at least £300 in diesel every month. And we no longer have a huge, unaffordable mortgage hanging over our heads. Granted, we also have no savings and made next-to-nothing on the house sale, so I've got no idea when we'll be able to afford to buy somewhere else.

Overall though, we're ending 2010 in a much more positive and happier state than we started it.

Sir Alex and Wayne Rooney Come To A Decision...

2010-10-22T13:57:00.001+01:00

Sir Alex:
                             Wayne:

"You like football, don't you?"

                             "I want to play for that club"
"Manchester United?"

                             "No! I don't like it!"

Back on the Boards

2010-10-10T12:24:00.000+01:00

Since my last post (a ridiculously long month ago) I've had a frustrating few weeks.

The house move is at the mercy of solicitors. We thought we were going to exchange contracts two weeks ago. Now it seems like it might be tomorrow. The sooner it happens, the better, as we need to find somewhere to rent, and the letting agencies won't take a deposit until the exchange has happened. A very frustrating fortnight! But we hope it will be sorted out very soon...

But there's also good news. On a night out at the theatre with our friends Kevin and Ness last week, Kevin asked me if I'd consider playing one of the ugly sisters in the production of Cinderella which he is directing.

So, this afternoon sees me joining CATS and the prospect is both exciting and nerve-wracking. This will be the first production I've done since reluctantly stopping work with Ottershaw Players. Initially it will be hard work; the new group are based in Ashurst, between Southampton and the New Forest, which is around an hour's drive away from home. But the commute down there will be half as long once we've moved.

It's the first time I've been asked to join a production without having to audition, so it's a huge compliment and I hope I can do him, and the rest of the group, proud.

Withdrawal Symptoms

2010-09-05T22:50:00.003+01:00

WDA Festival 2010 Poster,

Lately I've been getting withdrawal symptoms. I last got a fix at the beginning of August. That was OK - a week of really intense, rushing highs. But nothing since then.

No, I'm not talking about drugs, you big silly! It's the whole acting/directing thing, innit.

Because we're selling up and planning to move down to South Hampshire / Wiltshire, I wasn't able to commit to working with Ottershaw Players since our production of And Then There Were None, which I stage-managed. And until we move, I won't be able to find a new group to work with. So I've been in am-dram limbo for the past 3 months.

NODA summer school was great fun, and incredibly educational, as always, but I can't wait to start work on a production again.

In the meantime I've been making posters and flyers for the forthcoming Woking Drama Festival, which starts in only 30 days time. So off with a load of press releases, and spent the day filling in submission forms for event / what's-on websites.

It looks as though, timing-wise, the move (if it works out - fingers crossed) will probably happen at the end of Sept or beginning of Oct, so I don't know if I'll be able to spend much time (if any) at the Festival. I hope I can, because there is always great theatre to watch during the fortnight.

In the meantime, if YOU want to buy tickets - details below:

Woking Drama Festival,

The Rhoda McGaw Theatre

The Ambassadors, Peacock Centre, Woking

5th - 16th October, 2010

Phone 01932 702091 or http://www.wokingdramafestival.org.uk/

101 Ways To Avoid Watching A Gameshow

2010-08-12T16:13:00.000+01:00

Go to the cinema.
Go to the theatre.
Go to a restaurant.
Hang around in the park.
Stand around on street corners.
Volunteer to hand out laminated leaflets in National Trust properties.
Run a whelk stall.
Get food poisoning and go to hospital.
Fall down the stairs and go to hospital.
Ram a fork into your eye and go to hospital.
Emigrate.
Roll yourself up in clingfilm until sight and hearing are impossible.
Hide in your wheelie bin.
Have a bath.
Have a shower.
Have a shit.
Look at pornography on the internet.
Take antihistamines until you fall asleep.
Become a peeping-tom.
Go on the roof and re-seat loose slates.
Take up ballroom dancing.
Count the leaves in your garden.
Watch a DVD.
Build a sandcastle.
Listen to the radio.
Train a dog to open doors.
Polish all your cutlery.
Bake a really big cake.
Get a do-it-yourself tattoo.
Learn to play the saxophone.
Take your microwave oven apart.
Lick the kitchen floor clean.
Make 350 paper aeroplanes.
Deliberately give yourself paper cuts and then mix whisky sours.
Read about World War 2 on Wikipedia.
Go to Scotland and watch the aurorae.
Label the contents of your house with Post-It Notes.
Rearrange your CD collection in order of the artists' dates of birth.
Go to a nightclub.
Lie down on the pavement and see if anyone offers to help you.
Get very, very drunk and repeat item 40.
Count the number of bricks in your house.
Balance your bank accounts.
Lay down and balance pork pies on your eyes.
Read a book.
Listen to your iPod.
Go through all the pens and pencils that you own, sharpen the pencils and throw out the pens that don't work.
Sort out the kitchen drawers.
Lag some pipes.
See if the Christmas tree lights work.
Drive to Hemel Hempstead.
Go to the pub.
Bake some bread.
Clean your bike and check the tyre pressures.
Wash your car and check the tyre pressures.
Clean the windows.
Bid for something useless on eBay.
Sell some stuff on eBay.
Learn how to use Photoshop.
Edit all your photos, replacing your partner's face with that of Louis Spence.
Mix up a batch of mortar: 5 parts sand to 1 part cement.
Learn the capital cities of the world.
Learn the US state flowers.
Learn to sing the Paraguayan national anthem.
Watercolour painting.
Do 300 push-ups.
Lie down in the garden and count how many planes go over.
Write a sitcom.
Join a convent or a monastery.
Build a treehouse.
Go to the garden centre and order a hot-tub.
Steal some chickens and blame it on the foxes.
Visit your parents.
Visit your sister.
Visit your aunt and uncle.
Visit someone in prison.
Report all your credit and debit cards as stolen.
Throw out those old clothes you never wear.
Drive to your boss's house, ring the doorbell, then run away.
Phone the talking clock and have a lovely conversation.
Stand by your man.
Have a game of darts against an imaginary opponent.
Invent a new cocktail.
Go for a swim at the local pool.
Go for a manicure.
Cut the lawn.
Try to buy some marijuana.
Buy a new pair of slippers.
Find out where the stopcock is.
Change the bed-linen.
Make a mix-tape.
Burn the paint from the wooden window frames.
Play British Bulldog with the kids next door.
Play hide-and-seek with the cat.
Have a huge bonfire.
Steam open someone else's private mail.
Paint your hallway in stripes.
Go for a hot-air balloon ride.
Pretend to be a cowboy and lasoo the dog.
Make a really long, pointless list.
Smash the TV screen in frustration

One Day

2010-08-10T19:36:00.004+01:00

I've just finished reading One Day by David Nicholls and thought I'd recommend it to you.

Emma and Dexter meet on 15th July 1988. For the next twenty-odd years we see snapshots of their friendship, and key scenes in their relationships with others, on the anniversary of that meeting. So each episode takes place on subsequent 15th Julys.

If you were born in the mid 1960s, or you ever had a friend who you hoped would become a lover, then you'll love this book. If this doesn't apply to you, you'll still like it. It's funny, moving, perceptive and deep while still being easy to read.

The best book I've read for a long, long time.

On The Move?

2010-07-28T23:43:00.000+01:00

As I tweeted earlier, we've found a buyer for our house.

It's been a tortuous journey so far. We put our house on the market back at the star of May with an internet-only estate agent. Now, being a total geek, I was convinced that this was the way forward. Everyone looks for houses online, don't they? And internet-only agencies have no premises to finance, so their fees are low. It's a win-win situation. Isn't it?

Well, we'd hoped it was. The agency (ClearmoveUK.com - I'm not scared of mentioning them) were definitely cheap. £399 up front and then 0.1% of the sale price. That's at least £3,000 cheaper than the nearest competitive 'ordinary' agency. What could go wrong?

Nothing at first. We had a few viewings. But feedback from those viewings was hard to come by. It was almost as if they'd decided that they'd got £399 for nothing and decided not to bother even trying to sell our house.

Hey ho! After a couple of months of arguments and frustration, we ended up going with a 'traditional' agent. And ended up choosing one which was the most expensive of the local agents - but we had a good feeling about them. Castles, they're called. They're in Farnham and Aldershot. And we can definitely recommend them. Because, five days after signing an agreement with them, they'd found us a buyer.

OK - it's still early stages and there's a chain to worry about, and surveys, etc, which we have to keep our fingers crossed about. But we managed to get an offer close to our asking price and so, with any luck, we'll be moving down to Andover or Salisbury in a couple of months time.

As someone at work said to me: "now you've got weeks of frustration to look forward to". Yikes - it's the start of another adventure...

By Heck As Like!

2010-07-09T16:08:00.005+01:00

I read a news story this morning about the search for 'crazed gunman' Raoul Moat, in which the police, described Mr Moat as having "a Northern accent".

Now, I'm only an ignorant southerner, whose attempts at accents from Cheshire to Sunderland all come out as 'generic Northern', but surely this identification advice from the police is next to useless.

First of all, if a wild-eyed, crazy man jumps out and points a gun at you, I think the best tactic would be to duck, run or pray. You're not going to say "hold on, old chap, can you just say something so I can ascertain your geographical origins".

Secondly, if Moat is elsewhere in the country, trying to blend in (maybe he's wearing a wig, or a Groucho moustache) and he asks you directions, you're not going to know whether it's him or not, are you? "Northern accent"? That's too vague. OK, I guess from the news footage that the guy might be a Geordie. And those in the know can probably discern a Newcastle accent from a Sunderland or Durham or Darlington twang. But for all we know, he lives in the north-east, but was actually brought up in Manchester, or Liverpool, or the Lake District.

Thinking about it, from where I live, a rural Berkshire accent (yes, there is one) counts as "northern".

So - be careful Northerners. Because of the police's slapdash advice, you might be fingered as a crazed gunman at any second. I expect to read reports of Stuart Maconie, Ian MacMillan, David 'Bumble' Lloyd and the Big Brother voice-over man being hauled in for questioning...

PS - Raoul is a funny name for a gunman, isn't it? "Raoul". It brings to mind a camp maitre'd in a Californian restaurant rather than a burly, homicidal maniac. Not that the two are mutually exclusive, of course!

Eine Kleine Match Music

2010-07-08T15:37:00.004+01:00

With a slight sense of shame, I've enjoyed the German performances at this year's World Cup. With the obvious exceptions of their rather lacklustre defeat to Spain last night, and, of course, their win against England, which was somehow both comprehensive and a bit lucky.

In tribute to them, and to Danny Baker's recent "what can't you help saying/thinking when the commentator mentions a player's name" (i.e. Emerton becomes "Emerton, Lake & Palmer") here are a selection of German footballers who may feature in rock songs.

Feel free to join in. Or not!

Parp!

2010-07-06T16:33:00.003+01:00

A friend came home from South Africa recently. He told me that he'd caught herpes from a vuvuzela. He's dyslexic though, so it was probably a zulu vulva.