The Bright Side

T'is the Season

2012-11-21T17:30:00.001-08:00

As the holidays are already here knocking on the door. I can not help but feel even worse than I already had. I am pathetic for even saying so. There are so many others that have a harder life than I do. If I am so thankful for what I have then why am I so depressed all the time? I guess that is a question that, for the time being, will go unanswered.
There have been some events in my life recently that have be really negative. And without going into any type of detail what so ever, it sucks. Taking a stand and choosing to teach my children the correct way people should treat each-other seemed to leave others feeling off balance. I will do what I feel is right. However, no matter what I do, no matter how right it is, its all in how it is perceived by others. I recently discovered that I do care way to much what other people think of me. This should not be the case at all. As long as I am setting a good example for my children, and doing right by them and myself, that should be all that matters.
I think the fact the people take the recent events so lightly is silly. For those of you who know about it think about it this way, What if that happened to Rory or Alicen? What if someone was treating them that way? I bet you would be pissed and want to kick that persons ass. I know I would cause I am their mother and want to protect them. And If Myles was acting that way? I would have a serious talk with him in hopes he would improve his moral. Just the fact that you can not picture someone doing something, does not mean they are not capable of doing it, or haven't already.
My life keeps sinking further and further down. and I am struggling to keep my head above water. Sometimes I'm scared.
I am trying the best I can, I love my children.
I think I am a wonderful mother and I just want to do right by my children.
I need some time to think long and hard about things

Drowning Out at Sea

2012-10-01T20:44:00.002-07:00

With everyone and everything in the world voting against my every move, I still have found a way to keep on going forward...strong. With every breath, and every step I have chosen to move forward into the direction I have felt would be the best one possible for my 3 loves and myself.
Shoved out to sea, certain I was going to drown. But then I became so sure of one thing, that I would succeed in being someone my kids would be proud of. Not letting myself drown, but finding the way up for air.
Now it is me that feels like I am holding myself underwater. Starting to make the wrong decisions with my life. Swimming into the deep instead of up towards the air. Putting myself in an unhealthy place where people are free to walk over me. To push me further into drowning.
My better judgement has been a thing of the past for some two to three months now. That is not the type of person I want to be. That has not been my goal. What I wanted in life has been so clear. So how did it all of a sudden get so fuzzy? How come things have to be so complicated? I know its time to start putting what needs to be done first again. I want to breath again. No one and nothing is going to look out for me and pull me back to the surface, but me. Its time to step back and re-asses every situation and every aspect of my goals and start heading towards those again. In a healthy way. Just for myself and my children.

Most Important Goals:
1. My children- making sure they have everything and everyone that is most important to them in their lives. If some people are going to chose not to spend time with them, or chose not to be apart of it then that is their loss. I need to make sure I am who I need to be for them first and for most. If that means giving up things for myself, then so be it. That is what being a parent is all about. The minute that plus sign appeared I gave up everything for them. And that is the way it has to be, its the way I want it to be. Everything is for them. And they deserve a parent who genuinely wants to be with them, and there for them. Not someone who wants to be paid to be with them. Someone that WANTS to spend time with them and with them every second of every day. That's way it is going to be....always.

2. Myself - making sure I am healthy and happy. Striving towards goals that are going to be the best choices for my children as well as myself. If when I die I can say I was able to support my children and be the best mother I could possibly be then that I have met my goal. My head stone does not need to say "great business woman" "nice friend" or "loving wife" it only needs to say "upstanding mother who loved her children.". If I fail at everything in life, if that is the road I have been handed then that is alright with me. As long as I do not fail at being a mother.

Its really that simple.
(As long as I keep it that way.)
Now time to focus on what needs to be done. Set aside all the bullshit and start living my life for my children and myself.

Everyone will take this blog how they will. I know some of you who read it are going try and turn it around as a negative thing. If that is a vindictive thing you wish to do, then go for it. I am tired of people lurking my blogs and all my other accounts trying to find something, anything turn it into a negative. People who do that are just pathetic. So from this take what you will, try and destroy what you can. I wont even hope or wish one day that someone will come along and do what you have done, purposefulness, to my children and I to your own family.

Good Thing I Like Lemonade

2012-09-17T21:26:00.001-07:00

Ever stop and wonder how exactly your life got to where it is today? Well I used to all the time until I started to realize that I actually know the answer. I guess I have all along. I wish sometimes that I could take everything back that I did wrong, however I hurt people, just take the negative away and start over. The thing with that is, taking away past negatives, will alter the present and future positives and you can NEVER start over. As hard of a life I feel like I have had, and how many struggles I have faced. I am not quite sure I would change anything. These struggles are what is making me trump today. These negatives are molding me into this amazing person that I had no idea that I could be. And never thought I would want to be. I am happy with myself for the most part, and I feel like that shows. I would be lying if I said I didn't still hurt sometimes, and have bad days. Or that sometimes I feel over whelmed with difficult situations and wish things were like they used to be. But all the good in me I feel like is starting to shine though. And I want everyone to see it. It isn't just that I dropped 65 pounds, although that helped significantly. I just feel like I am a more genuine person. More understanding, stronger, and willing to fight for the things I need and the things I want. I know what I want and what I am going after in my life. What I feel is best for myself and , most importantly, my children. The question is, are those things actually in the cards? Regardless of the answer to that question... I will never stop fighting, chasing, for everything I want in my children and my own life.

Stop Fucking Eating & Boobies

2012-06-11T22:12:00.001-07:00

just <br>

You are going to be mad, I dont care & boobies for the bros.

2012-06-04T20:41:00.001-07:00

People will continue on with their bad behavior as long as their is someone around that "supports/encourages" them in their choice to make those decisions. Honestly, think about what you are supporting.....is it a just reason? are you supporting something that you would be ok with if it happend to you? I understand that friends want to show support to each other. But I would much rather have a friend that doesn't put up with bull shit and stands up for what they believe in. I would rather have a friend that lays everything on the table then to be a push over and "support" me when they know its a bad decision and know in the end it is going to affect me badly. that is a true friend. Someone who is not going to just stand by me and "support me" as i self destruct. Also. A lot of things bother me. And I am just going to lay it out. I think its fucked up when people fuck other peoples husbands. I think its fucked when people think it is ok for their BF or GF to cheat on them I think is fucked that people this its ok TO cheat at all I think it is fucked how men think they can treat women I think it is EVEN MORE FUCKED UP that the people in my age group have a serious lack in morals. Seriously. they act like they have no brain at all and know concept of right or wrong. Also, i think its bizarre that every guy i ever talk to EVER at least twice tells me they need a back rub....are you telling me this so i will offer? or is this just a random statement? cause 4.... yup 4 guys told me they needed on today lol Think about it IF YOU WOULDN'T WANT IT TO HAPPEN TO YOU, THEN DON'T FUCKING DO IT TO SOMEONE ELSE!!!!! also before you allow and accept other peoples actions or decisions and "support" it think about WOULD YOU BE FUCKING OK IF THAT WERE TO HAPPEN TO YOU?!?!?!?!?! if no then FUCKING STAND YOUR GROUND AND DO WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT I'm getting irritated lately that people are such push overs. Sometimes your "support" as a friend is making the unacceptable acceptable also, if your going to get involved with someone who is married and has kids....even if they are still married but separated....or divorced....what ever. Make sure you know what your doing, because the kids mother is not going anywhere. She is ALWAYS going to be around. ALWAYS kids don't die when they turn 18.....so there's always going to have to be contact between the parents, and they have to be able to co-parent...its for the kids best interest....get the fuck over it. oh yeah. I'm sorry i thought we were supposed to be grown ups here? Am i seriously mistaken on this statement? Because part of being a grown up is even if you don't fucking like someone but you have to see them a lot be fucking respectful. don't constantly be an asshole and then wonder why the fuck the other person is being a bitch back are you that stupid. "I'm going to treat you like shit and you have to be ok with it" seriously...........? fuck you bro fuck you ok i feel better now <3 hope everyone has a lovely night and for the boys like i promised

husbands, milfs, and soda

2012-05-27T21:54:00.000-07:00

Life has been good. I finnaly have things working out the way I want them too and I feel like I am making some great accomplishments. :))) So today someone made me realise how much I shoudl thank my husband.......so here is my thank you to him Husband of mine , Thank you so much for walking out on me. If you had neverdone that I would have never realised how happy I am without you. I would have never realised how I can accomplish anything I set my mind too. I would have never gotten out of my shell and become friends with many, and started doing things I never thought I would. I probably would not have lost over 50lbs either. Thank you for calling my every name in the book and saying how I would never amount to anything and how no one would or could ever want me. Well Challage accepted! And I believe I have come out on top. I thank you for leaving cause now I don't have to worry about how I never was good enough for you or if you were cheating on me or not. Cause now that you are at least its not on me! You leaving was the best thing that has ever happened and I see that now. Someone else can deal with your crap because I no longer have to anymore. I don't have to listen to you complain, or yell at me. And I don't have to walk on egg shells anymore. I don't really wish you the best but Good luck with your life.....your going to need it with all the stupid decisions you make. Sincerely, Julie (regretably and unfortunatly your wife...still lol) That made me feel so much better All you single MILFs out there...keep chugging along. Doing right by your kids and yourself. Life is hard but not impossible <3 And your kids are always worth it Also I like Pepsi more than coke

Where do I even begin?

2012-05-06T21:01:00.000-07:00

Just these past 3 weeks have been so crazy high and low. one second its up and everything is great, and the next second its down, and i feel like im losing my damn mind. most of you probably have no idea what has been going on, and while i am tempted to just blog about everything i wont. It would be disrespectful to the parties involved. and i dont wanna be that kind of person. I have had to make some tuff choices in my life. And am proud to say that i feel like, in these recent situations, that I chose to make the right decisions. These decisions that i felt were the right thing to do did make some people have a disliking for me. but you know what, fuck them. seriously fuck you. i did what i know is right, and thats all that matters. I think its fucked up how people can sit back and see or be a part of these fucked up situations and just keep their mouth closed. Why? because you dont want to be involved? well guess what...knowing about it fucking makes you involved. so you can either chose to be a good person....or not. its as simple as that. black and white. there is no gray. you either do the right thing or you dont. fucking simple. I don't think people will ever understand what i gave up exactly to do this right thing.(partially because im keeping it hush hush lol) something i worked hard to gain back. like really hard to gain back. and it fucking sucks to lose it. but i would rather be known as the person who stood up for what she believes in and knows is right.... than someone girl who is fucked up. No one truly understands any type of situation unless they have been though it themselves. and even then its hard to understand because every situation is different based on the people involved. true fucking story right there. I have very very few people i ask for advice from.... i can count them on one hand... total of 3. and each of those people i respect and think very highly of and each of their opinions and advice sparks and sticks with me in some way. and when all things are meshed together from all 3 people plus myself...then it just clicks in my brain. Katie Robey, Rachel Campa, and Rikkilee Carter. These women are amazing people. and They really do not get enough credit for how much they put into a friendship. Katie Robey- this lady has so much class. She shows every single person respect, even if they dont deserve it. She is younger than me but the things that come out of her mouth sound like poetry. Not only is she beautiful on the outside, but her insides are like looking at the sun. Rachel Campa- This girl has been my friend for soooooooooooooo long. Even though we are both in very different places in our lives we still have this amazing friend ships. when i need her she is there and when she needs me i race to her. How she views the world and life amazes me and i wish some day i can learn to be a little more like her. I have no doubt in my mind that she will do great things in her lifetime. Rikkilee- I havent known her for that long actually. but she, again is an amazing person. She sticks up for her friends, even if its against another friend. she does what is right and is so down to earth. i needed someone like that in my life. someone to get my head out of the clouds. and this gril does it. caring, respectful and fun to be around. It seems like everything she does, she does whole heartily. and i wish i could see her more often actually. Life isnt what i expected it to be, is it horrible....? at times. Is it hard....you bet your ass its fucking hard as hell. Do i have some regrets...? yes, but nothing major. but i look at my life and see three beautiful faces smiling at me and love me always.....well until they turn into teenagers. "no body said it was easy, no body said it would be so hard" however, life is worth fighting for, its worth seeking out goals and accomplishing everything you want. get out there and get what you want. and do what you feel is right in the process and you cant go wrong <3 love everything you do.

on my mind...do you really wanna know?

2012-04-03T23:32:00.001-07:00

yeah so that would be bodes.....goood looking ones.
apparently im super shallow, pin pointed by a friend of mine. and sometimes personality doesn't even matter as long as the person is attractive. wow im a bitch lol
and this is probably going to be so inappropriate but i really don't give a fuck. I don't know if all women are like this or if its just something wrong with my brain. but i seriously think about sex 75% of the time..... weird right..? i don't know. lovin, porn, those silly craigslist adds (those make me laugh so hard i could pee my pants) like yeah.
and i have been watching a lot of jennamarbles lately and that bitch it amazing. loved the video about how people should stop playing games and be straight forward. like say "hey i like you and would like to hang out with you sometime soon" and if they turn you down then fuck them. right? easier said than done i guess because i cant get shit to come out of my mouth. blahblahblahblah im a ditsy girl blahblahblah. really now? whats wrong with me. why cant i act normal. i dont act that way. jesus. uuhhhhhhgggggggg LIFE is complicated but AMAZING. and i think the complications are just something i am putting in there that done even really need to be in there lol. god im such a female. klsjdflkjahsdiufhehfeiuhja;oijskjhdlkfjh
(wonder what it would be like to have penis...? just a thought.)

so my life as been CRAZY lately. and in a very good way.
i love it

this shit.....amazing

annnnnnnnnd there is more that i really would like to say but i cant because i risk destroying something that probably doesn't even exist. BUTTTTT lets just say i over think everything in this particular area and it drives me nuts.

im being driven wild.

my life
in a nut shell
is
beautiful
amazing
happy
full
hot
confusing
messy
frustrating
satisfying
lovin

only one thing lacking and that's passion
oh god do i need some passion

ok my ramble is over
end

scattered highs :)

2012-03-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

My world seems to be getting better. Every single fucking day I feel it. Happy to be here, lucky even. You can't even imagine the Shit that has passed through my head since November. And there is no way I want to relive anything like that.
I am a completely diffrent person now. And I LOVE who I am now. And if you don't then I seriously don't give a Shit. I love me, and I haven't in over 5 years.
I am doing things I never would have, spending time with people o normally wouldn't have, letting go of certain fears and actually living my life. And I feels so good. I feel so good.
Let me just share this I am happier now alone and without Brian. It's as simple as that. IAMFUCKINGHAPPY. I have my moments where I miss certain family things, or miss certain private moments. But all in all o don't miss him anymore. I miss another person being here but that feels better when anyone comes over. Shit, I have a dog come visit and that void is filled.

Ok so I'm talking everywhere cause I feel like I can't calm down at night :)
Point of this, I'm happy, im proud of myself, I'm amazed at how my life has taken an unexpected turn in a positive direction, I am extreemly thankful and feel so lucky to have the friends I have in my life, and I have my 3 amazingly wonderful babies to wake up to everyday. They are what keep me going and make me want to be a better person. I want them to be proud that I'm their mom.

I just have one downfall that I need to work I'm and get rid of. I am an attention freak. I crave it, eapecally from men. My counsler said that since I had been talked down upon for sp long that I got all the negative ideas about myself stuck in my head. And now that I started getting attention from various people and they are making me feel positively about myself that I want more of that because it makes the negative things said by that one person false because so many others are saying otherwise. But I don't want to have to thrive on attention from others. So just something I have to work on. :)

Lately my head has been very scattered with thought, probably shows in how I'm writting.
so sorry if it made it difficult to read.

Blessings

2012-01-22T18:20:00.000-08:00

No one's life is perfect. And no one person is perfect. But what counts is if you have the ability to look through all the shit and see all the wonderful blessing you have. Right now is a hard time for my family. But I have been sitting here literally counting my Blessings
-3 wonderful beautiful amazing children that are super smart and outgoing.
-Brian, who is taking care of us and making sure we have everything we need. and who is alwasy going to be there for us.
-some of the most amazing friends a person could ever ask for
-family that is their for us day or night
-a nice place to call home
-a car that works and has never broken down
-some awesome neighbors
- and so much more....

sometimes i feel like i cant get out of the suck, but then i realize that's not exactly true. everyone has some bad moments, but those wont last forever. they are just moments in time that will pass soon. and if you invest all your time and energy into the blessing that you have, then you don't have time to be in the suck.

Finding True Definitions

2012-01-18T20:21:00.000-08:00

Some things I have been thinking about

mis·take- an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.

jeal·ous- characterized by or proceeding from suspicious fears or envious resentment: a jealous rage; jealous intrigues.
inclined to or troubled by suspicions or fears of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims: a jealous husband.

think- to have a conscious mind, to some extent of reasoning, remembering experiences, making rational decisions, etc.

ra·tion·al-having or exercising reason, sound judgment, or good sense:

heart·break- great sorrow, grief, or anguish.

trust-reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. confident expectation of something; hope.

re·spect-esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability

love- 1.a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.sexual passion or desire.
4.a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

di·vorce- to break the marriage contract between oneself and (one's spouse) by divorce: She divorced her husband.

there were more but i thought this was enough for one blog

You Can't Always Get What You Want

2012-01-08T20:35:00.000-08:00

so that saying isn't something I am not familiar with. Especially at this point in my life, it is a very true saying. And I think I am ok with that. Coming to terms that I can not alwasy get what I want. If I did I would be one spoiled bitch. lol. But wants and needs are so different. and a lot of people don't realise what is a want vs. what is a need.
needless to say, i cant always get what i want. but what i need will alwasy be provided.

This goes for everyone. A lot of people dont get this concept at all. Always focused on "i want this","i want that" whine whine bitch bitch moan moan. like seriously?! what is wrong with people these days?! i guess i really have no room to talk actually. lol . I am constantly thinking about the things that are going on in my life. what they mean, what direction they are going on, what i should do, what others should do. and what i want out of it or from it. and its all because i want something that i cant get. but now that i am coming to terms with that. and realising that maybe that is something i dont actually want. Why would i want something that hurts me so badly? why would i want something that doesnt care about me? why would i want something that lies to me all the time? but then again thats a want....and there are so many positives that i dont say. im not sure why i dont say them.
but that is another subject entirely.

im learning to take control but to also take a step back. if that makes scene...well it does to me. I NEED to do what i NEED to do to make sure i have all the NEEDS of my family met. people can call me what they want, but i cant be a push over anymore. i need to stop and truly put the NEEDS before anything.

your nagitivity is not helping the situation

2012-01-06T12:59:00.000-08:00

Its no surprise to anyone that the last few months have been hard for me. Actually, the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with. I am learning to pick myself up again. And every day I feel more like myself. I didn't realize that over the past few years i had lost so much of myself, and now that I am getting her back i feel SOOO much better. I feel like myself, I am happier, more confident, and outgoing. Even tho this situation is not ideal... i actually hate it. i hate my situation, but i am learning to embrace it and learn from it. I've realized how many mistakes I have made over the years, how i wasn't always the nicest person to deal with and I was just super judgmental . I had all these "issues" that shouldn't have been a problem. I made things bigger than what they needed to be. I didn't trust people, and felt like I couldn't rely on them. Especially Brian. Why...? I have no idea.But i, thankfully, and not that person anymore. I found this new me who i love. and everyone should get to know this new me because it makes me happy.

on another note:

Its easy for most people to judge and put in their opinions and ideas for what i should do, how i should handle everything, or say negative things about Brian or myself. But there is just one problem with that. No one truly knows Brian and mines situation but us. And that's the way it should be. No one needs to know every in an out of our relationship together. So i would just advise that I will no longer tolerate anyone speaking badly about my decisions, Brian's decisions, how i am handling things or anything about this. Unless i ask you for advice, and i wont. then just stop. I would rather not talk to anyone who is going to be only negative. I don't need a bunch of that in my life right now. its not going to help anyone. And all anyone is doing is hurting me and possibly hurting Brian. Right now, he is still my husband and i will trust him, believe him, and try my best to be a good wife to him. even now that we're separated i will still do that. Why? because no matter what, I still love him, and want him to be happy. people say i need to say when enough is enough...well I'm saying it, enough is enough. but not for my marriage but with everyone else and their negativity. Every negative comment, remark, or judgment that someone else says about this only pushes Brian and I further away from each other and further away from you. I'm not saying we will ever get back together or anything, but I am my own person, and i will decide what i do, how i do it, how i deal with things, and what is right for me.
end of story.

I said "NO!!!"

2011-08-14T20:46:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up and said "no" to anxiety. no I will not let it take over my life anymore. no i will not fear everything. no i will not cry every day. and no i will not do this anymore.
It is going to be a long hard road, but I see the end of the road already. Baby steps of facing my fears to overcome this disease that has controlled my life for 3 years and that has surrounded me for longer than that. I don't want to live like this anymore, i will not live like this anymore!!
everyday i will wake up and say "oh no, not today anxiety" i will make my life better, and enjoy it from now on. my life is worth living and i want to start living it and not be held back by this anymore!!!

GO ME!!!!

Cheers to Realization

2011-07-20T13:31:00.000-07:00

Just because its not a big deal to me, doesn't mean its not a big deal to someone else. I learned this through this past week. And while I have learned this, from numerous events that have happened this week, I'm not quite sure the people I love have figured that out as well. But I'm just considering things said the past few days. Everyone is so wrapped up into #1, including myself, they cant see what its doing to others around them.

The main factors in my life is
not to judge
not to assume
forgiveness
and honesty

I'm not judging anyone, please don't judge me. I wont assume anything about anyone, so please don't assume anything about me. And please there is no need to be upset about anyone being honest about their feelings, even if you are admitting something to yourself.

so close yet so far away

2011-07-15T23:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I say I don't want something as badly as I really do, because I don't wanna set myself up for failure. But I want it bad. I have such s hard time being motivated. I want to lose weight and tone up. I want to pay off our car early. I want to have a big savings account as a back up. I want to buy a second car and I defiantly want to buy a home for my family. I need to stop being selfish, stop being lazy, and turn in my atm card so I don't spend any money. I think if I just set the budget and pay the bills I can let him just follow the budget and then I can't be a shop-aholic anymore. And then when he goes shopping he has to follow the list for the budget and no snacks it junk or soda will be on the list. It's a win win situation. I just need to get in gear and do what healthy and best for our family.
What do you all think?

that feelings just a feeling

2011-06-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

It's really hard to stay out of things that are not my business.

on the other hand, i am still learning how to function as a wife and a mother of 3 children. It's easy in some ways and in others is really hard. I have a lot of help actually, but in some ways I feel completely alone. I know this time I was certain I would have the help and support of my friends...but I soon realized that was not the case. I know some of them are REALLY busy, but I cant help but get my feelings hurt. And I know this blog will make people think this is about them...and it might be lol. BUT i'm just writing it to make myself feel better. Feeling alone, as a lot of people understand, doesn't mean I am alone. It just is a feeling. and sometimes it makes me sad and feel left out, that's all.
anyways I feel kind of better getting that out.

upnderstand ?

2011-06-14T09:25:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry that I can't always be there. And I'm sorry I don't call a lot. To everyone. But, I'm busy I have a lot of things to do...a lot of responsibles. Life isn't just about me anymore...or just Brian and I. Most everyone I know just has themselves to take care of. I have 5. I know its hard for people to understand my choices, but you don't have too. I just ask everyone respect it.
Sooner or later I will be able to be more involved with my friends and acquaintances...but for now, unless your truly invested in our friendship and take the time to contact me to make plans then we probably won't see one another often. I just am too scatter brained and when I blink the day is over.

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tired

2011-06-14T09:16:00.001-07:00

I'm so tired all day with little burst of energy. But its not enough. If I stay pregnant for the next 4 weeks and don't come early, and stay this tired then I'm going to need some help for sure. I feel like a bad parent to my kids that I have NO energy to take care of them 100% its only like 85% :((((((((( Jesus I hope this baby comes early, like anytime after this Tuesday is fine by me.
I can handle no sleep, or hardly any sleep, but whatever this is that is causing such exhaustion sucks.

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Doing It alone...or am I?

2011-05-17T10:36:00.000-07:00

I expected to have my friends close by my side this time around...but it didn't happen.
I've been trying to prepare but I feel not ready but ready. I have so much laundry that its driving me crazy!!!!!! As far as the baby coming I am prepared for her to come, I just wish the laundry was done lol.
i'm tired tired tired
feeling very moody and very insecure.
Thank goodness that since everyone is pulling away from me, that my family has been moving in closer. It has been a big help to have their support and love, especially since I feel like I don't have it from anyone else. I may...but I just don't feel it.

Ready or not any day

tired

2011-05-11T15:38:00.000-07:00

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11

2011-05-04T15:37:00.000-07:00

11 days of feeling the most empty yet hurt I think I have ever felt. Its the weirdest combination I think I have ever heard of, let alone experienced. I wish things would go back to the way they were 12 days ago. But you cant look back, cause you can never go back. You have to make the best out of every situation and I thought I was doing that, but now I am not so sure. Its hard to tell sometimes I guess. I was raised on "forgive and forget" but how far can that go? what is the cutoff circumstances? It seems to be a blurred line between what is alright and not alright, and what is right and wrong. or maybe it is because people morals and values have changed SO much?
Things that were wrong 5 years ago, are no longer wrong. why? And you cant use the excuse "evolution" or "the world is a different place now"...if evolving into a more unmoral future is what everyone has in mind then I don't think I want to be a part of it. I hope I can raise my children to be wholesome, and upstanding individuals that are loving, kind, respectful, and independent.
anyways, I will just have to dig down deep in myself to decide what I want, what is best for myself and my children. What is right.

complaining 101

2011-05-01T01:48:00.001-07:00

so since im ranting on and on tonight....my pelvis hurts, im tired from never sleeping, im hungry...again, i have a headache, its hot, my hands and feet are puffy, im really thirsty...again, one eye hurts from being so tired, pregnancy gave me dark circles under my eyes that make me look like the grim-reaper without make up on, my toe nails look horrible since i tried to paint them and cant reach, there is nothing to watch on tv in the middle of the night, i have like no friends again, im super grumpy, my shirts don't cover my belly anymore, my hubby breaths to loud in his sleep, i need my car washed.....idk i just felt like complaining lol. cant wait to go back to sleep....and hopefully sleep in?????? annnnnd have a great day with the kids!! I love Rory and Myles and the new baby girl

Oh Boy

2011-04-26T10:05:00.000-07:00

I have had a very stressful few days. Especially my Sunday was not pleasant in the beginning. I don't want to go into depth about it, or actually say what the problem is at all but I know something has to be done. Even if i don't want to do anything about it. I'm going to set some rules and boundaries that I feel need to be set.

I am also making a 1 year plan for myself so I am capable of taking care of myself and the kids if need be. And if I never have to be on my own, then the extra income will be lovely for when Brian's job is not doing so well.

I wish I had someone to talk about this with. But I don't. No one would understand my position. I'm on my own with this.

what it is

2011-04-17T14:59:00.001-07:00

I have been thinking about a lot lately. Seeing all these people come together for a single family. Literally feeling and seeing all this love and support has been amazing. I was apart of it to be a good friend, but I had no idea this would soon become another family to me. I let my gard down in so many ways, opened myself so to many people. When normally I wouldn't have.
It's just made me think, about a lot. If something bad was to happen to me would I have the same outcome? And honestly I think not.( I know my immediate family would be there of course) I have been assessing my friendships with different people, and our relationships and they are just not all that strong. I barely even know who they actually are, and none of them know me at all.
I know someone might read this and get all upset. But it is, to me, true. Maybe I have a different definition of friendships than most people, I'm not sure.
All I know for sure is that I am so glad to be able to be there the best I can for the people I love. And I am so glad I have grown closer, and stronger towards certain people.
I feel my life, my friendships, and my outlooks changing...for the better, and in a direction I know will be better for not only myself but for my family.

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