the word

Week 6 Picks: Rally Time

2009-10-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

It's officially rally time.

Midnight. Friend's cabin. A new group of of church sober acquaintances have just arrived late... only you're "making whoopee" to a toilet because you've been drinking... like... 25 beers and a few bowl rips... no... like at least 30 beers a couple shots and some bowl rips... no dude, cause then you've got the ones we drank on that hike... since 10am. It's finally caught up to you. You're on a personal journey of endurance that will have you questioning faith, character, and life. You're dry heavin'.

But you've got a decision to make. I mean, you've been hugging the john for an hour. Where's your head at? Is it time pack it in? You gave it your best shot? Your head is spinning? I mean, since 10am?

Or.

Is it rally time...?

I am the sports fan nearly passed out on the toilet. I had about 72 beers of "winning Rockies baseball comeback hype, light." About nine to nineteen shots of "Romo friendly offense hype tequila." But, of course I was mixing that with god knows how many shots of "there's no way the Broncos win more than 3 games this year hype Tennessee Whisky." Concluded finally with one epic six foot bong rip of "the 'Buffs are going to win 10 games hype kush."

At the time it was a great idea. Pant-wettingly drunk off the excitement and potential of my teams' hype. But with the last solo cup of "winning Rockies baseball comeback hype... light" bringing me to my knees at the foot of my new porcelain master, my personal journey has brought me to the aforementioned two choices. One, swear everything off and live out the rest of my sports season a passed out, buzzkill, misses the rest of an epic night party-pooper.

Or.

Rally time.

Pass me that beer bong of "Denver Nuggets NBA Championship hype," and bump my comeback song on high volume... I'm back in the game.

last week... gulp.. 3-10 ATS
season... 34-41 ATS

I threw all that up too with the "Romo friendly offense." Don't worry about it. Rally time. If my big brother Barack can win the nobel peace prize, so can I.

Kansas Shitty Chiefs (+6) over WASHINGTON REDSKINS

Native American battle! Hoo! Tried to google a famous inter-native american battle so I could name this the "(famous inter-native american battle) bowl." Couldn't find one. So I'm gonna go with "that battle between the Sioux and Pawnee in the movie Dances with Wolves... bowl." The chiefs had a chance to get a coach fired if they could have punched out a vic over the Cowboys.... can they go 1 for 2? It would be delightful... and creates a strong possibility of shaking up the Monday Night Football booth crew. I love sports.

Oh yeah, and I wish the chiefs would have won. Seriously, the 'Boys need OT take care of a win at loserville KC.

THE 'NATI BENGALS (-4.5) over Houston Texans

Pretenders r us. The 'nati comes in hot, at home. And everyone knows they still live in fear because of the "Hard Knocks Curse." The Bengals sold their soul to the devil of the football gods to be relevant again. Sooner or later the devil is going to come a collectin' for his payment. Not now though. They have to be at the top so when they come crashing down to reality, the pain hurts so much more.

Is anyone else getting the feeling that maybe the city of Houston just isn't meant to have a football team?

Which reminds me of Huston Street. What in Christ's name was that?

Cleveland Brownies (+14) cover PITTSBURGH STEELERS

In retrospect, I really have been violating some very core gambling values that I really do keep close to my heart. The most glaring offense looking back would be the absolute truth of not betting on the Spittsburgh Steelers with big spreads. "(-10) against the lions? please. ex-super bowl champions, free money baby!"

Gambling is like going on a temple adventure with Indiana Jones. You gotta watch out for the traps. Namely, every Steeler game with a big spread.

As a man (and recent follower, congratulations) named Pie recently pointed out. Things did not end well for the Steelers last time they lost DE Aaron Smith for the season.

B-more Ravens (+3) over MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Purple is the color of royalty. Behold one of the many money games that gets me jacked up for this weekend.

Has Minny really beat anyone? They squeaked by San Fran and we allllll know what happened against Green Bay. Other than that, St. Louis, Cleveland, Detroit? You kiddin me? Let's just say the Broncos have proved more early on.

Thanks to my sister for reporting on the "Brett Favre" drinking game she participated in. 123 times the Viking quarterback's name was mentioned during the Packers-Vikings game. Proving once and for all, that my sister knows how to drink... and the epidemic that is Brett Farve obsession is undoubtedly more dangerous than the swine flu.

Oh, I'm sorry, "H1N1"

I can't believe Dennis Quaid hasn't released a movie about the H1N1 virus wiping out infants, the elderly and the poor... and that somehow leading to an apocalypse.

I'm tellin' you Mr. President... the virus has made the jump from swine. Do what's right and order the evacuation.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (-9.5) over St. Louis Rams

I beginning to warm up to the idea that this Rush Limbaugh deal was a publicity stunt. It just seems about as contrived as some kid in Fort Collins named after a kind of raptor floating away in a tin foil balloon...

I also warming up to the idea that Jack Del Rio has no idea what he is doing. Play Indianapolis tough, get blown out by Seattle. I think it's an even week so Jax should come ready to play. Plus, the eloquently delivered criticism of the coaching staff and the play calling might prompt the ball in the hands of Pocket Hercules.

Is the jury still out on Stephen Jackson? He has sucked for three years, but it is beyond my reasoning as to whether or not it's because he plays for the worst team of the decade.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3) over New York Giants

Another reason I'm pumped on this weekend of football.

It's tough to like the Giants because everyone from Tiki Barber to Justin Tuck always has to run their mouth. Is Friar Tuck still preaching about Flomax Adams tripping people? We get it, yeah you are real hardcore in your Subway commercials singing opera with Jared and Strahan.

A battle of undefeateds is always fun. And when you find it getting toward the middle of the season, they are like little super bowls. Methinks this is the game everyone and their brother will prematurely give the NFC championship to afterward.

Carolina Panthers (-3) over TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Parity is not truer portrayed anywhere else. Are the Dallas Cowboys and Carolina Panthers not the same team? Shaky, never will be big time, quarterbacks. A dominating runninggame. And presently underachieving stud outside linebackers. (I'm looking at you DeMarcus Ware and Julius Peppers) So why not bet the exact same way as if this was week 1 when the Dallas Cowboys had a similar line?

GREEN BAY PACKERS (-13.5) over Detroit Lions

Greg Jennings is due for a breakout game, as he has not had one in 5 weeks.

Watching Dante Culpeppper anymore is kind of depressing. He just looks so old. It seems like the NFL has been going on for a while, and we haven't seen much of Dante. One year and five weeks from the last time I saw him and he looks fat and washed up, but still tries really hard to make a comeback. Kind of like watching Axel Rose bust out at the MTV music awards with his new band. Awkward.

PHILTHADELPHIA EAGLES (-14) over Jokeland Raiders

Sounds about right.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-3) over Arizona Cardinals

Nuva Ring division alert. Nuva Ring divisional battle alert. I'm extremely uncomfortble right now.

Buffalo Bills cover (+9) cover NEW YORK FOOTBALL JETS

Who doesn't miss T.O. being relevant? I want names. Say what you want about what a clown he is, how rediculous his reality show is, how many dropped balls he has. The league is better and more fun when he is on a team that matters. Hey what can you say you tried Buffalo. Yet another in the slew of feeble attempts to bring a hint of respect for the team and city of Buffalo. Too bad Chicago is waiting for Brandon Marshall's contract to expire next year.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-9) over Tennessee Titans

What a bust Tennessee is. What the 9 point spread should represent is the amount of points down at halftime that forces our favorite tailgater to put Vince Young in the game. As of the end of the game last week. I am self-contractually obligated to not bet on the Titans anymore. What are the odds of them rallying with me?

Chicago Bears (+3) over HOTLANTA FALCONS

The game I'm second most looking forward to. Battle of the young guns. I predict a 4th quarter game winning drive by Jay Cutler.

Do you still wonder Bronco fan about the possibilities of your team if you still had Jay Cutler? Think about it....

keep thinking...

Here's betting you came to the conclusion that you are 5-0 and could be no better than that with any other quarterback, including but not limited to Jay Cutler. Which means Big Mac Josh McDaniels is your man. From now on. Thick or thin.

My bet is you also had a voice in the back of your head that shares my opinion. The Donkeys could be 5-0 and have a legitamite shot at a Super Bowl. That voice in your head does not really believe that Kyle Orton will hold the Lombardi over his head as a starting quarterback. Or does Big Mac's Kool-Aid really taste that good? We'll see.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-3.5) over Denver Broncos

The matchup I am most excited to watch. I wrote that holding back regurgitation. It's just so damned fascinating that the Donkeys are 5-0 and are STILL underdogs. Bronco fan has got to be angry, but think about it, there really can be an asterisk placed next to each of your five wins.

Bengals*.............. *The game is lost. Only with a quarterback with a noodle arm like Orton's could underthrow it weakly enough for it to be tipped 5 yards short, and only a brain like Roy Williams's could take such an aggressively bad angle at the end of a game to allow Brandon Stokely to run so freely to win the game.

Browns*..............*It's the Browns.

Raiders*..............*It's the Raiders.

Cowboys*............*Tony Romo

Patriots*.............*Another conspiracy theory regarding Bill Belichick: Realizing his coaching tree is more like a dying fern, Bellichick only attempts to beat the broncos half ass, not daring to make the obvious adjustments at halftime and continue to give the ball to Welker in the middle of the field over and over again. He does this all for the sake of being able to show people one person from his "genious" turns out alright. My key piece of evidence: Bill Belichick running toward the middle of the field to find his "prodigy," then wandering around like a sad puppy looking for his master for a good 10 minutes, still looking back as he walks toward the locker room, as Big Mac does the fist pump lap of victory. (the fist pump lap of victory was badass) Has Belichick gone soft or just soft for one guy?

These are only semi-jokingly presented. 5-0 is 5-0, no argument about it. But those asterisks keep you in the underdog cellar. It works for the Broncos, they might not want to lose it. The Donkeys are hot right now, but championships and futures are not built in five games.

"How we makin' money on the 'Buffs this week" pick: Buffs (+9.5) cover Kansas

The word likes to keep this interactive. And thanks to all the feedback recieved from 3 people, well, 2 confirmed people, we debut the "three c's section." That's compliments, constructive criticisms, and creole.

Steve said: "well articulated."

Why thank you Steve

"Anonymous" opined: "What a "Bum" this Phillips is. Look at his face! No, Wade, Aliens have not infiltrated your pathetic team. You did this psych job yourself."

"Bum" of course being the comedic play on Wade Phillips dad's name and the slang term applied to the homeless. Too scared to put your name to that Anonymous? Reveal yourself apparition.... Mom...?

Randy wrote: "poor, poor Lance"

Rally time.

I managed to sift through all the feedback and come up with those. Thanks.

NFL week 5 picks

2009-10-07T21:36:00.000-07:00

Pardon me if this week's picks seem... uninspired. Between the Rockies, Buffs, Cowboys, fantasy football, and every other thing that has the misfortune of being encompassed in my "care circle"...it is quite clear that I'm in a slump.

Speaking of slumps.

The Colorado Rockies are not the chumps of the playoffs. Finishing with the third best record in the National League did not happen by accident. And if Jim Tracy is the club's manager from the beginning... are we looking at a 100 game winning team? Eh... maybe not, but give your props... grudgingly... to the Monforts and Dealin' Dan O'Dowd. All but one level of the Rockies organization from Single-A to the majors, has made the playoffs. What I'm saying is, we may have misjudged the Monforts and their seemingly thrifty spending habits. So the Rox can't compete capital-wise with the big spending Yankees, Dodgers, etc. And that's fine. What we now have to wait and see is if the vaunted farm system continues to churn out homegrown superstars like Troy Tulowitzki and Ubaldo Jimenez, and what we really have to wait for, is if the owners will make the commitment to investing in the right superstars long term. What I'm saying is, if Tulo is not the Helton-like face of the franchise until the end of the world, or when he retires, whichever comes first, we will know the Rockies are owned by the same cheapasses we've all come to know and hate. If you don't believe me... listen to Tracy, and I quote:

"It's a lot like where we were in Los Angeles,'' Tracy said. "You can see a nucleus at the big-league level, and you can see the talent in the minor-league system that makes you feel you could be at the start of a six-, seven-, eight-year run.''

Gotta make Rocky fan feel good. I know it makes me downright giddy about the Rockies being at least legitimately competitive for the next decade. What more can you ask for?

But I digress from the slump.

Brad. Hawpe.

If the Rox are going to do anything in Rocktober, it will be because the artist formerly known as all star Brad Hawpe pulls it together already. The artist formerly known as Brad Hawpe's month to month stats:

April: .328 BA, 2 HR, 16 RBI
May: .361 BA, 5 HR, 23 RBI
June: .308 BA, 6 HR, 17 RBI
July: .250 BA, 2 HR, 7 RBI
August: .258 BA, 4 HR, 13 RBI
September: .194 BA, 2 HR, 7 RBI

If you've been following the Rockies since the beginning of the season (here's looking at you bandwagon fan), you remember when the artist was batting cleanup. And you've slowly watched his batting average drop like the value of mortgage backed securities circa 2008.

Now sure, Tulo has managed to carry the slumping bottom of the lineup. But is it too much to have both? If they do the Rox have a top to bottom lineup that is easily better than any in the National League, not to mention the American League. Throw in the new and improved starting rotation and daft if Rocktober does not yield a bonafide World Series contender. Lock it up Hawpe! Only you can bring me out of my slump.

Let's go Rox, on to the picks.

Last week ATS: 7-7
All time ATS: 31-31... I'm just mr. consistency.

Home team in CAPS. Lines as of Sportsbook.com (October 8)

Song du jour... The song that describes my feelings after last week's loss. I'm still in mourning that my football year is already over in week 5.

Dallas Cowboys (-8.5) over KANSAS SHITTY

Psh. I duno who cares.

CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3.5) over Washington Derogatory Native American References

I originally thought the Redskins-Cowboys rivalry was dead. But really it could not be more alive. The two most overpaid, uninspired teams in the league going head to head for most overpaid uninspired team. Not to mention inevitable off-season drama of who cleans house most violently, and who gets Mike Shanahan. I'll save the rest of my rap for when they play each other... but who gives a crap about the Carolina Panthers?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+15) cover PHILTHADELPHIA EAGLES

Boy thank god Saint Tony Dungy is around to mentor, nurture, and make Michael Vick extremely uncomfortable. I never really got this whole arrangement. First off, who decided Tony Dungy was this Gollum looking father-figure to every troubled soul in the League. I mean Vick really only has to not do one thing to keep a job right? So what does he do? You can just see Vick's voice mailbox full of unanswered Dungy calls like:

You have... fif... teen... unheard voice messages.

First unheard message

"Heeeyy Mike... It's Tony. Just wanted to see how you're doing. I guess I missed you again, hope you're not dousing a Labra-doodle and attaching it to a powered car battery! Call me!"

next... unheard message

"Hey Mike! Tony again! Just wanted to call and see how you're doing... remember what we talked about all those nights in prison. Don't start a multi-hundred-thousand dollar underground dog fighting ring! God Bless!"

next... unheard message

"Miiike?... This is Tony. Now I know you're screening my call cause I only got through the first part of the Baha Men's chorus. Hey look, I'm going to be out of town for a couple days and I'm looking for a place to keep my dog. I'll be over tomorrow with my Bible. Remember, Thou Shalt not kill canines!"

etc. etc. etc.

The funny thing is. Not only is it near impossible for him to start another backyard deathpit because the feds are undeniably watching his ass, not to mention every media outlet and Ed Werder. But no one cares! Seriously, all we heard about all summer is how PETA and every red-blooded American will be out in arms protesting Vick, the Eagles, and everything the NFL stands for. Instead... we get this:

No, this is not a picture of the Iranian presidential protests. There are more casual fans in the picture than there are protesters, in a picture of protesters. How come no one is stopping for a sticker? What do we learn from this? This is the NFL, short of being a fascist dictator or engaging in racial genocide, all we care about is our team winning in the League. Damn the NFL kicks ass.

Jokeland Raiders (+15) cover NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS

What's the deal with all these fifteen point spreads? Yeah the Raiders are a joke, but I mean, fifteen? Anyway Eli has "plantar fasciitis" (pulled labea) and might not play anyway. Classic trap game.

BALTIMORE RAVENS (-8.5) over Cincinnati Bengals

I'm undefeated on my Ravens picks. 'nuff said.

Minnesota Vikings (-10) over ST. LOUIS RAMS

The Rams are for sale! How can we not love the idea of Rush Limbaugh as a possible NFL owner. Every missed call can be tied to a democrat or socialist conspiracy theory. Not to mention a public attack on the NFL's revenue sharing program as socialist, it's socialist draft, and its left-wing media spin on the Rams floundering franchise.

Speaking of socialism. What do sports say about individual societies? The most capitalist country in the World, the United States, structures its sports leagues the most socialist way. Our leagues have drafts to make sure everyone is competitive. The revenue sharing among leagues insures every team can pay their players to remain competitive. Salary caps put a limit on how much one rich guy can spend so as not to gain a competitive advantage. So on and So on. Meanwhile, "socialist" Europe structures their leagues as a purely capitalist system. European football (soccer) leagues have no draft. No salary cap. No revenue sharing (to my knowledge). They build their club from internal recruiting and youth leagues, gain their money from sponsorships and marketing, and pay their players however ungodly amount they think they are worth at no thought to the bottom feeders that can't do the same. Is this funny? Ironic? Or do you just not care?

Cleveland Brownies (+6) cover BUFFALO BILLS

Quite possibly the most uninteresting game of all time. Save the fact that I need recent pick-up Jerome Harrison to step out as a legitimate fantasy back. Depressing that my comeback is reliant on some rook clown on the Brownies. I'm in a life-wide slump!

Pittsburgh Steelers (-10.5) over DETROIT LIONS

I am picking way too many away teams... Hey Rashard Mendenhall finally looked like an athlete. Congratulations Pittsburgh.. it's all coming up your way... Rush Limbaugh is calling on an Obama led conspiracy.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (-2.5) over Hotlanta Falcons

Coincidence Michael Crabtree starts talking about signing after I called him out last week? I think not. I estimate from my Adsense reports that there are about 25-50 of you that actually read this.... or like 5 of you that just read this over and over again. I'm just honored to have big Mike Crabtree as one of them. Fuck MC hammer, I'm the one that made this happen.

Houston Hustonians (+5.5) over ARIZONA CARDINALS

These teams are mirror images of each other. Crap shoot pick of the week.

New England Patriots (-3) over DENVER BRONCOS

I hope the donkeys don't win another game.

TENNESSEE TITANS (+3.5) cover Indianapolis Colts

The team I underrated the most so far, going against the team I overrated the most so far. This is a must win for the Titans. And if they lose, the God's go honest last time I will bet on the Titans this season. I swear this time.

New York Football Jets (-2) over MIAMI DOLPHINS

The phins only win when I don't bet on them.... I'M SLUMPIN'!

My Response...

2009-10-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

Most of you have been baiting me for a response to the recent Dallas Cowboy-Denver Bronco game, and unless you have boobs, you probably haven't received one. Here you go.

I am a Cowboy fan in a Bronco world.

3:15 pm mountain standard time (roughly):

It is the end of the first quarter in a downtown Denver sports bar and everything is right with the world. I sit amongst family and friends, and aside from a group of fellow Cowboy fans to my right, it is an otherwise sea of orange and blue. The bar is beautifully quiet, and if not for being balls deep in fried pickles, wings, and assorted beers and liquors keeping my emotions in check, you'd think I'd lost my virginity to Brooklyn Decker the night before... a fantasy night she described as nothing short of amazing.

The Cowboys had come out exactly how I had expected. Tashard the people's Choice off tackle; eight yards. Barber screen pass; twenty six yards. Nick Folk 49 yard field goal... is great.

Orton hilariously incomplete deep. Run Stuff. Penalty. Orton incomplete. Out.

Flair out to the People's Choice; 28 yards. Martellus Bennet; 13 yards. Roy Eugene Williams; 11 yards. Alas the punctuation, Marion Barber III, carrying the weight of a Cowboy nation's sorrow upon his back, not to mention three-quarters of the Donkey defense, punishes his way into the endzone with a downright herculean second effort.

Ten - nothing. End first quarter of regulation.

The Denver Broncos had amassed 30 yards of total offense, while watching the bigger, stronger, faster, more talented, Cowboys run so hard up the ass of their defense, the game would have been stopped and the Cowboys assessed a 500$ fine for violating state sodomy laws had the game been played in Texas.

The happiness would end there. My romance novel night with Brooklyn turned into an itching venereal disease.

It would take only five minutes into the second quarter for tony romo to hold the ball too long for flomax... I mean flozell adams to maintain his block. It would take only five minutes for romo to giftwrap yet another touchdown for the other team. It would take only five minutes for the season to end.

Not seconds after the sixteenth time tony romo attempted a pass to a man covered by Roland Bailey my cell phone lit up like the first morning of the Tet Offensive. 37 text messages. I didn't even know I still communicated with 37 people. Some memorable ones include:

"Dude are you still a Cowboys fan after that game? Yes you just lost to Kyle Orton"

"My condolences to you and your family"

"Suit up Kitna. How many games are you gonna give romo to blow?"

"Kyle Orton"

"Are you ok? Away from sharp objects??"

"McDaniels is for real"

"That's what i'm talking about. Broncos making the playoffs and cowboys in early season downward spiral."

With every text message I opened, the football fan flame in my heart died a little more. Where am I right now? Kyle Orton is the quarterback of a 4-0 football team? Kitna? Bronco fan pretending they expected this, but really just now jumping on the Big Mac bandwagon with delusions of playoff grandeur? I'm going to puke.

I am a confused football fan.

The thing about being a Cowboy fan is that the feeling you have after losses, is completely unique to you. It is utter confusion.

There's a look that you often catch in the waning minutes of every inevitable Dallas Cowboys loss. It's the same look every Cowboy fan has at the same time. It's the look of the U.S.S. wade phillips (so beautifully still captured by Eliot J. Schechter of Getty Images) staring dimly at the scoreboard with only one thought.... wait, what?

tony romo has lost 16 times since becoming the quarterback of the of the wealthiest sports franchise in the United States. Among those sixteen times, only a few times has any God fearing Cowboy fan come away from the loss saying, 'you wanna know what? The other team was just better than us.' The 2006 Eagles beat the Cowboys. 2007 Patriots beat the Cowboys. 2008 Eagles. At every other loss, Cowboy fan comes away feeling like they've been living on a steady diet of uncooked Stag Chili, never really being able to identify a what happened save for the fact that the 'Boys yet again beat themselves. Cowboy fan lives in a perennial state of "if tony romo could just handle a grade school talent show's worth of pressure..." "why does the defense only play lights out for occasional quarters..." ".... wait, what?"

Thirty seconds into the second half, Knowshon Moreno fumbled the football at his own 24 yard line, and every Bronco fan was scared. However, every real Cowboy fan knew exactly what was coming. After gaining a first down, tony romo air mails it to Roy Eugene to bring up third and eleven. Uh oh, pressure situation, Jason Garrett and Wade Phillips would have been better served just taking a knee and kicking a field goal. On second thought, they would have been better off removing romo from the game, and then taking a knee. (Seattle fan knows romo can screw up even the simplest of football maneuvers.) But that didn't happen. What did happen was what everyone was waiting for and expecting. Miles Austin breaks back on the comeback route, leaving Roland Bailey 2 yards back on his heels behind him and wide open for a first down. It is a near impossible route to cover, even for a future hall of fame cornerback who was straight locking fools down. But, it's alot easier when the opposing team has a special olympian slinging the rock. pick. no points. ball game.... wait what?

I am a self loathing football fan.

I've already heard the rap that Romo threw the ball where the route "should have" been run. And that is precisely why he is one of the most debilitating forces known to man. Seriously, this guy makes Cerebral Palsy look like a superpower. Just because the ball "should be" thrown there, does NOT mean you are required under penalty of death to throw it there. It's a game of goddamn adjustments. I watched that play on loop that night as I whacked it and cried myself to sleep. Miles Austin sees Roland Bailey looking to take away the outside, MAKES AN ADJUSTMENT and settles into the inside window to get the first down, and tony romo, who was locked on to Austin since the play was an idea... made NO adjustment and threw it to a wide open ... Roland Bailey. This is how you know sports aren't fixed, you just can't write idiocy of this repeated magnitude. (Tyler Perry might have something to say about that but still) Even if this was Austin's fault, romo has, in legal terms, demonstrated a repeated behavior of choking a big one at the slightest hint of necessity. So by default... blame goes to him. He is the NFL's personification of the boy who cries wolf. I'm just waiting for the wolf to just eat him already.

Maybe it's not all romo's fault though. I mean really, how could one man be responsible for 15 years of NFL purgatory? The Cowboys never made a move toward the top until Bill Parcells came in cracking the whip. He instilled a structure, good draft choices (sans bobby carpenter) on the offensive and defensive lines. Moved to the 3-4 to unleash DeMarcus Ware, did the best with antique quarterbacks like Vinny Testeverde and Drew Bledsoe, not to mention a playoff appearance with a cracked out Quincy Carter. And after one season with T.O., the organization chose T.O.

Perhaps this is the fundamental problem with the Cowboys today. Look at the former assistant coaches that were in Dallas under the big man.

Todd Haley, former wide receivers coach: offensive coordinator for super bowl representatives Cardinals and current Chiefs head coach.

Tony Sparano, former o-line coach/assistant head coach: current head coach of the Miami Dolphins.

And of course Sean Payton, former assistant head coach and quarterbacks coach: current head coach of the undefeated New Orleans saints.

Did Jerry screw it? Yes. But not because he chose T.O. over Parcells. It's because he chose tony romo as his starting quarterback. Jerry screwed it when he signed tony romo to a six year, 67.4 million dollar contract in 2007.

Just as the Barry Switzer team blew up after Jimmy Johnson's iron fist rule, the Cowboys went 13-3 under "coach cupcake" after Stalin Parcells. The only thing that stopped the Cowboys from winning in the playoffs? A romo interception and two sacks in the final drive of the playoff game against the Giants.

Flash forward two years and we have this gem from the Fort Worth Star-Telegram:

"Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is getting a lot of criticism for throwing consecutive passes to fourth receiver Sam Hurd against Denver standout cornerback Champ Bailey on third and fourth down to end the game in Sunday's 17-10 loss. Is is possible that Romo didn't know it was fourth down? Following the final incomplete pass to end the Cowboys hopes, a video caught on KDFW Fox-4 shows Romo seemingly telling his linemen to line back up. He then flashes three fingers to one of the game officials. After hearing the response, Romo screams and walks off field. If true, Romo apparently forgot about the spike to stop the clock on second down."

I rest my case. tony romo is driving the ship right into a massive iceberg and will take every man, woman, and child affiliated with the organization with him.

You know that Will Smith movie "I Am Legend?" Good movie save one critical moment. You already know what it is, after Will Smith's German Shepard and only living friend heroically saves him from the freaky flesh eating zombies, we are forced to endure the drawn out scene of Big Willy tearfully suffocating his best and most loyal friend that has been infected by the zombie virus. Every girl cried, every dude searched their minds like they were trying to lengthen sex for something else to think about so they wouldn't cry..... For a lot of people it completely ruined it's greatness and rewatchability... it ruined something that was otherwise great...That.... is tony romo.

I am still a Cowboy fan.

After letting the alcohol and grease take nature's course and pass through my body, I gave myself a full day to pout and brood over the constant little jabs I was still receiving from non-Cowboy fans of which I never responded to. Then I rallied.

I realized these juvenile little sticks in my side is nothing to really get down about. I'm still a Cowboy fan. My franchise is still better than your franchise. One, two, three, four, five.... five championship rings. How many do you have?

Yes my Cowboys are currently in a 15 year slump. Yes, my quarterback is mentally disabled. You're still a bronco fan. I'm still a Cowboy fan. I get to be arrogant because you've never had a dynasty before. So I'll take your pot-shots, and while I'll admit the Cowboy season is over and I really have nothing to look forward to this season, I'm not stupid enough to admit the Broncos are better.

Oh you're right, the boys haven't won a playoff game in over a decade. How many diamonds does the ring the broncs got for losing to the Steelers in the AFC Championship have again? Please...

So the team is down for a while. On Sunday I wore my Raghib "rocket" Ismail jersey. After signing with the Cowboys in 1999, he was present for the worst run Cowboy seasons in recent memory, maybe in history (1999-2003). The jersey is a representation of the hardship every Cowboy fan tolerates. It's easy to pump the franchise when you win or are in the dynasty, only a true fan can rep their team when times are tough.

In conclusion, I want you to realize this loss will never make me admit the broncos are better. I will never walk out on the Cowboys... especially for an organization that has eeked out two championships in the same amount of time as Dallas. The funny thing is, you all come at me like you just dominated. As I said before, the Cowboys rarely ever outright get beat, the Broncos didn't even play that well. So you're quips are like Ricky Martin lobbing derogatory shots at the Beatles because he won a couple of Grammys. Keep your dated uniforms (sweet pant 'swoosh'), your quarterback,your coach, and keep trying to catch up to the Raiders for number of championships. In the meantime, kiss the rings, and kiss my...

Week 4 Picks

2009-09-30T10:31:00.000-07:00

Another .500 performance, I'm almost starting to doubt myself. But hey, if you're betting right you're still making a little money. right...?

Last week: 8-8
All time ATS: 24-24

This is the best weekend of football so far this season. So many compelling subplots. One super bowl.

Because of this big ass week in the NFL, I have selected a pump up song that should be played at high volume over and over again while reading this column. That song is Chicago's "25 or 6 to 4" Not only will this song get you jacked up as Terry Kath dances up and down the neck of the guitar, but also provides us with some thematic concepts applicable to this week in the NFL. By the end of the song, the anticipation of the weekend coming should be so overwhelming you may need a cold shower, and leave you wanting to search for more jams from Chicago, before you do that though, read to the end.

HOUSTON TEXANS (-9) over Jokeland Raiders

Do you hear that? Yes, that is Chicago's scintillating riff, but it's also the sound of me swan-diving from the Raiders bandwagon. Sure I was only calling 8 wins but still, that probably would have put them in contention for the AFC west. The real question is, is Jamarcus Russell even trying? It seems like every time he goes deep, he's three steps back in his five step drop before he says to himself.. "fuck it."

It should be noted that the Texans were on a four game win streak in 2008 as Gary Kubiak attempted to do his best Lazarus resurrection reenactment and make the playoffs, when they ran into an always mediocre Oakland team... and lost. Here's betting they come out for a little revenge.. literally..

twenty five or six to fooooouuuurrrr

Tennessee Titans (-3) over JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

god damnit... one more ride on the Tennessee express.

Maybe Fisher should spend a little less time perfecting his burger flipping, dog rotation, and beer-brat recipes, and figure out how to make up for the gaping absence of Albert Haynesworth. Seriously Fish, you even threw on the logoed button? Someone needs to get out of the parking lot and into the defensive film room, because someone's team has allowed 34 and 24 points consecutively. Oh hey, and toss me a beer while your up pops.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-1.5) over B-More Ravens

One of the main reasons I could not be more excited about this weekend of football, and that I have DirectTV, NFL season ticket, and three TVs in one room... boom. Is anyone still worried about the Pats? Sure they didn't look dominant, but they definitely looked better, and have gone back to the running game featuring Fred Taylor. Meanwhile, Flacco looks like he's got B-more's offense actually moving down the field. On the other hand, the ravens d doesn't look nearly as menacing as it has in years past. I can't quite put my finger on it, maybe it was that near escape by the Pats in 2007 against the Ravens, but I just can't see them going 4-0.

Seattle Seahawks (+10.5) cover INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

New York Football Giants (-9) over KANSAS SHITTY CHIEFS

And to think... you too could have had Matt Cassel. The battle for worst team in the league rages on.. who is it? KC?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+7) cover WASHINGTON DEROGATORY NATIVE AMERICAN REFERENCES

... nah.. its gotta be Tampa...

... on second thought.. it HAS to be Washington...

The 'Nati Bengals (-5.5) over CLEVELAND BROWNS

... wait... it's the brownies.

Twenty five or six to foooouu ooouuurr ooorrrrrrr!!!! yeah..

CHICAGO BEARS (-10) over Detroit Lions

Could it be more obvious that the one thing holding the Detroit Lions hostage as the worst team ever, was Matt Millen? It would not surprise me to learn that Matt Millen is directly or indirectly responsible for Detroits 22% unemployment rate. Or that he was on General Motors board of directors.

"Mr. Millen, we're looking for a new direction to go with our vehicles... the Prius seems to be doing well which has led our researchers to look into some alternative energy products... but we'd probably have to cut Saturn to keep our company financially sound and profitable... what do you think?"

"hmm... let's go reciever."

And now he has a job as an ESPN analyst. I've said it once and I'll say it again. That 15 man monday night crew was really lacking a sixteenth perspective, if nothing more than for the sake of symmetry. Especially from someone who single-handedly pile drived an NFL franchise into the ground, a pile drive so crushing, it may remain in a vegetative state until it moves to L.A. Behold the NFL retirement home that is ESPN.... this is the crap we are force-fed from the "sports leader"... predictably he was the only one to pick the Panthers last Monday night, all this guy does is screw up, what an analyst. eh... let's go receiver.

New York Football Jets (+7) cover NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

I have bet against both these teams all three weeks of the season, and they have screwed me every week. I think New Orleans is going to cover... so I'm taking the Jets.

Buffalo Bills (-2) over MIAMI DOLPHINS

They fooled me thrice. Goodnight Miami fish. I am contractually obligated not to bet on you this week.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (-9.5) over St. Louis Rams

Just wanted to take the opportunity to point out that Michael Crabtree has a mental disability. Check out this interview of him right after he was drafted... I know... it's tough to break away from Chicago's rock anthem. I'm trying to understand where he is coming from by holding out for the year. It can't be because of the team, they are pretty good. It can't possibly be about the money, Michael, you were drafted 10th, just be happy you're not with the other bay area team. Oh wait, I know why. He's a wuss. He's scared of Mike Singletary. How could you not be? The guy is in a permanent state of "I'm lookin' to jack you up," and when Michael and his high pitched voice come strutting in after holding out for seven months, my gut tells me Crabtree would have more to fear than Singletary dropping his pants again. Just know this Micheal pussy Crabrtree, the last two players that decided to take the year off and try again next year (Mike Williams/Maurice Clarett) are wash outs or in jail.

San Diego Chargers (+6.5) cover PITTSBURGH STEELERS

The defending champs have no offensive line. Ergo, they have no running game and barely a passing game. Throw in that they are missing Hair Polomalu and it would be wise to not take a seven point spread in the Steelers favor until they can prove they can cover it. Hey LaDanian, lets go man.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-3.5) over Green Bay Packers

I've watched countless Sportcenters and checked all major sports websites and can't seem to find a compelling story about this game. Such a shame they put such an uninteresting game on Monday night. What happened to the good ol days when Tony Kornheiser professed his erotic man-desires for Brett Favre in NC-17 rated graphic detail? Or his portrait of the most inspiring female in history Deanna Favre? Man I wish he would come back...

Just hand the ball to the Associated Press.

Dallas Cowboys (-3) way over DENVER BRONCOS

My personal super bowl. yes you should do it, restart the Chicago song, if you're a Bronco fan this is your first test, you gotta get jacked! if not, it's finally time for the donkeys to play a real team! Remember what happened the only time this year the donkeys played from behind? Orton Interception. Orton three and out. Orton losing the game. Sure, only Orton would have made that miracle play at the end of the 'nati game to win it, but that's only because only Orton has the noodle arm to underthrow a 25 yard "bomb"that allowed it to be tipped in the first place.

Say what you want about how "unimpressive" the Cowboys have been. They stuffed the vaunted Giants and Panthers run games (two division winners), and have statistically the best rushing game in the league. Sure, there is always the Romo factor of 1-10 turnovers a game, but when the defense is forcing Orton to win the game, well, lets just say he's only been made to do it once, and miracles don't grow on trees. Plus, Romo can throw further than 15 yards down field, and can hit that once in a while. The donkey d can only hang on for so long. I am taking cases of beer, mary jane, whatever side-bets if anyone is interested.

Which brings me back to the band Chicago. The Broncos are the band Chicago, for every win, or every catchy as hell great song "25 or 6 to 4"... at their core, all they are is "If you leave me now"... see? After listening to the "25 or 6 to 4" I desired more. Man, said I, lemme DL Chicago's greatest hits, these guys are sweet! But they're not. So don't be confused, NFL fan. Just because they beat the state of Ohio, and the jokeland Raiders, doesn't mean they are "25 or 6 to 4," at their core, they can't escape who they really are. oooo ooo oooo baby please don't goo.

NFL Week 3 Picks

2009-09-23T10:21:00.000-07:00

Week two of theword's NFL picks produced some good news, and some bad news.

The good news? Four people, all be them close acquaintances (one blood-related), are comfortable enough in themselves to attach their names as followers to this blog. If I ever go postal, you four will be spared... only you four.

The bad news? The picks got destroyed in the black hole that is NFL parity. The important thing is that we learned something this week. And what did we learn? The NFL is not as lopsided as it has been in years past. Big spreads are probably the devil, unless its against the Browns or Lions. And hence, home field advantage is probably something that should weighed more heavily. I'm feelin' a rebound.

2009 ATS: 16-16

So I'm back to .500. Whatev. So is Pittsburgh and New England. You can't gauge long-term success after week 2 in the NFL. I was only doing my Tony Romo impression...

First, debut of this column's commercial of the weak... yes, the last word is misspelled on purpose.

Today we dissect, the Cialis commercials;

Throwback romantic tune plays over shots of well-aged couples (the female usually pretty hot) dancing, holding one another lovingly in their arms, sending the kids off to college... oh yeah, it's business time.

Voyeur narrator asks, "want to be ready for just the right moment?" and implies... pop this pill so you can pop one.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait one damn minute. First off, aside from the previously mentioned Nuva ring, is there a more uncomfortable commercial on the airwaves right now? We are literally watching our parents half a second away from full on foreplay. I threw up just writing that.

Aside from this most uncomfortable thought, there are some very gaping "plot holes" existing. (I'm even uncomfortable writing the word "holes" now) This entire commercial, and by default, drug, is predicated on the premise of spontaneity. And yet, it's logo and theme is two half-ton bathtub's in the middle of nowhere? As friend and follower Big Ran so eloquently observed, "grab your tub baby." That really sums it up. Nothing says spontaneous like drawing hot water from God-knows-where and filling up the tubs in the middle of a forest thicket, or beach peninsula. Thank God Cialis allows me to be ready whenever I want... well within a 4 hour window. So, if I'm old, I should game plan my four hour window when me and my partner can make it out to the tubs? How am I supposed to do this without having to take an Oxycodone for my thrown back moving these behemoths? Sounds so depressing I'll probably have to take a Cymbalta just to get over it.

Two other points. First, if you have an erection lasting longer than four hours call a doctor... I'm 22 and if I had an erection for longer than one hour I'm calling a doctor.... eh.. maybe not. Second, if you're not healthy enough for sexual activity you should not take Cialis. So, if I'm too fat that my heart can literally pump no more blood to any body part without blowing up, I should not take Cialis... in that case, just give me the Cyanide. Alright, that's it... on to the picks.

As always, lines according to Sportsbook.com as of September 24 and the home team is in caps.

Tennessee (+3) over NEW YORK FOOTBALL JETS

Alright Tennessee, you got me, maybe I believed you were better than you were, and maybe I sold the Texans short, and maybe I made this judgment based on one week of football... All I had to do was stick to the run game... stick with my preseason assessments, but no.. on 1st and 10 I audible to a Crayton out route and throw a pick shortly thereafter.

So here we are, another rookie quarterback finding early success in the National Football League. So what, can any chump hack it in the NFL nowadays? Put me in coach, I'm ready to play... today. Is there more to be said about the preparation, an increasingly talented collegiate competitive pool, or just fresh, young minds in the league? Or in fact, is there something to be said about a game plan based on minimizing risks by running the football and playing good defense?... a game plan used by this year's Jets, and last years Falcons and Ravens... hmmm interesting... maybe that's just how you play winning football.... ROMO... Still, Tennessee can't go 0-3... can they?

B-MORE (-13) over Cleveland

What is going to be/is worse... The new Family Guy spin-off "The Cleveland Show" or the Bill Belichik spin-off "The Eric Mangini show" IN Cleveland? I'd say Cleveland (the city), would say the latter. I said in the opening that I learned to stay away from big spreads. I also said unless it was against Detroit or Cleveland, and if it's at home. Anyway, if the Donkey's can dismantle the Brownies... what are the Ravens going to do?

New York Football Giants (-6.5) over TAMPA BAY

Go back to my preview and read the Giants section. Plaxico who? Mario. Freakin'. Manningham. If you haven't picked him up in fantasy... and if you're in my league you can't because I got him... pick his ass up. Tampa Bay's secondary is softer than a chinchilla fur coat.

HOUSTON (-3.5) over Jacksonville

Jacksonville is my running game. I just feel like I have a good read on them. Good enough to hang with an overrated Colts team, crappy enough to get blown out at home against the Cardinals... and pretty much everyone else.

San Francisco (+6.5) cover MINNESOTA

The best move the Niners made? Getting rid of Mike 'passes himself into unemployment' Martz. This has rushing battle written all over it. And therefore a close game. Plus, don't forget, this is a Brad Childress coached Vikings team. You know Childress has those Wrangler jean commercials on re-run at home and one Saturday night he's going to be watching Brett's tightly sculpted ass sling the rock with a bunch of men secluded in a field rolling around in the mud (gay enough for you?) and send the following text to his man-crush... "bring your jeans, pickup, and golden retriever tomorrow... we're gonna fool everyone and air it out." Don't do it Brad... just hand it to the Associated Press.

NEW ENGLAND (-4) over Hotlanta

Is it possible the Pats are just... old now? I can't say one way or another yet, but I do not like this bet. I'm going against my better judgment and picking them on the rebound, but they are wearing out their welcome.

Washington (-6.5) over DETROIT

Here's guessing the Skins find a way to find the endzone against the Lions... only guessing though. I've got a bone to pick with "legend" Sonny Jurgensen. First off, he sucks. Second off, these modern criticisms from past players are getting old. Honestly, these guys are becoming the stereotypical retirement home residents. "Back in my day... ramble ramble ramble ramble..." Yeah those were great times gramps... this is 2009. More on this in a minute.

Green Bay (-6.5) over ST. LOUIS

Is this another trap? This is literally, pretty much the same bet as last week against the Bengals... one of my other Romo INT's from last week. If they don't rebound this week.. I might never bet on them again.

Chicago (-2) over SEATTLE

Sure, da Bears probably should have lost to the 'Burgh if limp leg Jeff Reed could hit a kick but still. Da 'Bears won how they are supposed to. Good Defense, run the ball, punch in by Cutler. Oh, and Hasselbeck has a cracked rib.

BUFFALO (+6) cover New Orleans

Mark this as the third week in a row I'm betting against New Orleans. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times? bet on the 'Aints next week.

THE 'NATI (+4) cover Pittsburgh

As a Cowboys fan I am required by law to loathe the Steelers. As a betting man my hate has reached "dark side" proportions. Even when the Steelers decide to beat an inferior opponent, it's only on a last second drive to take the lead by three, a safety to win a game, the other team forfeiting. Sure, you might get lucky and watch a Steeler DB take one back to the house to win by four, but screw 'em. I'm tired of them, the ambassador to Ireland, and Mike Tomlin's drug dealing.

OAKLAND (+1.5) over Denver

Ah.. back to the run game. I'm all over the AFC West... and finally, I get to bet against the Donkeys. It feels so good. Honest question though, who is a worse QB, a 6'5" rocket armed athlete JaMarcus Russel, or 5'11" fly-fishing guide Kyle Orton. Sad as it is to say, I'll take the sportsman over the athlete. Make Orton the 31st best QB in the league, until further noticed.

PHILTHADELPHIA (-7.5) over Kansas Shitty

Who could've seen the quarterback controversies coming this early in the season? I mean we all knew McNabb was going to get hurt... we just didn't know the "McRib" would happen this early. And we all knew career backup Matt Cassell probably wasn't going to be that good... but we didn't know his coach was going to start publically verbally bludgeoning him until at least week 5. Does anyone think philthy really looks like a super bowl team right now?

Miami (+5.5) cover SAN DIEGO

Third time I'm betting on Miami. Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me... fool me thrice, bet against the 'Phins next week. ugh.

CARDINALS (-2.5) over Indianapolis

Time to show your true colors Indy. A good quarterback + one good receiver - no run defense - no run offense/ 3.14 = an average at best Colts team.

Carolina (+8.5) cover DALLAS

Interception prone quarterback vs. interception prone quarterback. I'm going back to my pre-season analysis of the Dallas Cowboys. Every Cowboy fan is trying to comfort themselves by saying... "well, we ran the ball right up the ass of a supposed great defense." "Well, our defense stuffed the run game pretty well."

But, that's not what the issue is. For the last four years, Cowboys fan has had reason to be optimistic. The offense and the run game has always been there. The defense has always played well enough to keep the 'Boys in the game. Really, the only question mark as to whether or not this team can be a serious title contender is how the quarterback can handle the big game.

At the turning point of the season last year, the Cowboys went into Pittsburgh, and by all acounts... had the game won. And what happened? Romo was picked off and taken to the house to lose the game. No one snatches defeat from the jaws of victory like this undrafted clown. The point is, in every big game, there is always only one thing separating the Cowboys from winning and losing, and that one thing is airtightness of Tony Romo's sphincter.

This goes back to the Episode III theory, or if you like, the last girl in the bar/party after last call. After fans of an epic franchise become so accustomed to greatness, and then shortly thereafter are fed a steady diet of poop, fans become so desperate for the feeling they once had that they are willing to anoint the next decent product as a return to greatness. Example: Star Wars episodes I and II are so bad, that by comparison, episode III was a good movie. NO! Just because it's better than the previous two, is not a good enough argument to call it a good movie. Likewise, just because Romo is better than the dead bodies of Vinny Testeverde and Drew Bledsoe, does NOT make him a good quarterback.

If you're too cool for Star Wars, it's the same thing as the last chick at the bar. You've been spitting your weak game at chicks all night only to be shut down over and over again. After last call, and being spit on, beer dumped on, and slapped in the face, you're so desperate and equipped with beergoggle version 3000 that the 4'11'', buck sixty-five, "shouldn't be wearing those tight clothes" chick looks like Megan Fox... but she absolutely is not.

And so now we have every ex-Cowboy great who needs his name back in the paper or a paycheck coming out and knocking Romo, and every other part of the Cowboys they think they could make better if they strapped on the pads. Gee, thanks guys, yeah, we remember when we were a dynasty, stop rubbing it in.

Entering the season there were all these questions about the premier sports franchise in the nation. Is Roy Eugene Williams a number one receiver? Did T.O. help or hurt the team? Can the defense stop the big play? Is Felix Jones due to breakout? Is the offense "Romo-friendly?" When really there is only one question that truly mattered. Can Tony Romo just F'n lock it up during a big game?

After getting rid of all the inner team drama, labeling Romo the undeniable leader of the team, Tony Homo showed once again, the answer is unequivocally, no.

NFL week 2 lines

2009-09-16T14:16:00.000-07:00

Week 2 is upon us... hoo! I was 10-6 against the spread last week. Nothing jaw dropping, but I'm in the playoffs and ready to make some noise. Stick with me. We'll be alright. (home team in Caps, lines according to sportsbook.com)

Oakland (+3) over KANSAS SHITTY... I mean city.

Hard to tell whether or not Oakland's D is really that good, or San Diego really sucks that bad. I think it's a combination of both. What I think was clear, is that Oakland can run the ball. In a game where it's really hard to tell who sucks more... pick the team with the better offensive and defensive lines... and that.. is Oakland. I still think people are underrating Oakland.. they will challenge for the AFC West division. The most surprising moment... non-moment.. of the first week?... Tom "the undertaker" Cable not suplexing the head referee after not ruling a touchdown upon review right before halftime. How is Cable not the perfect coach for da Raiders? A history of violence... fat... I really want the raiders to be good again. The NFL is better off when the inbreds from Oakland have something to cheer about.

TENNESSEE (-6.5) over Houston

Trouble in Houston. (How long before NFL anchor "x" drops the cliche "Houston we have a problem"... if not this week then next.. I wish there was an over/under bet for this on sportsbook.) I originally thought that if the Texans would be pretenders this year, it would be because of their defense, and while they did allow 462 yards to an offense with a rookie quarterback, it's the offenses total 183 yards total that is more concerning. Nothing fixes a problem like a road game in Tennessee.. boink.

New England (-3.5) over NEW YORK FOOTBALL JETS

So maybe New England's defense isn't as good as it used to be. Maybe Tom Brady is a little worried his knee might get blown up again in the pocket should Matt not so Light miss a blocking assignment. But the Patriots are still legit, and they showed when they have a reason to go, get out the way. Love me some small Vegas lines with the Patriots involved. Plus... remember what happened last time a player called out Brady and the Pats? two words... Anthony Smith.

GREEN BAY (-9) over Cincinnati

The "hard knocks curse"... I'm tellin' ya. What else could explain that fluke of a loss to the donkeys last week?... nothing. Bottom line, Green Bay is good this year, the nati sucks. It's a big line, but Green Bay at home. Chad Esteban Ochocinco Johnson might not even get an opportunity to get rejected from a Lambeau Leap.

Vikings (-10) over DETROIT

Just give the rock to the Associated Press.

PHILADELPHIA (+1) over New Orleans

Count me as one of the people... maybe the only person... that is not buying in to the New Orleans and Drew Brees hype. One game against Detroit and this guy is all of a sudden the best QB in the league? One game against Detroit and I am the best QB in the league. The line has been moving toward New Orleans since the beginning of the week. This is my pick of the week. Free money baby. Reggie Bush sucks.

Carolina (+6) over ATLANTA

The beautiful thing about betting in week 2 is the overreaction from things that happened after only one week. Yes, we know Jake Delhomme throws interceptions. We've always known that. Daylight come and me gotta delhomme!

REDSKINS (-9.5) over St. Louis

The Rams are the worst team in the league.

Arizona (+3) over JACKSONVILLE

The Cards are fast approaching this year's "do not bet on" team. Is Kurt Warner remembering he's 102 years old? Are they missing Anquan more than they thought they would? Look for a breakout game from Beanie baby. Don't let me down zona.

Seattle (+1.5) over SAN FRANCISCO

Betting on this division makes me more uncomfortable than watching Nuva Ring commercials. Serious talking point... Where are we in society today? I know commercials are far fetched, but the idea of a vaginal birth control ring is so foreign to me, I really don't know if it's plausible that a group of women sit around talking about things they comfortable shove up their hoo hah... I'm getting queezy just writing this.. NFC WEST= Nuva Ring division.

BUFFALO (-5) over Tampa Bay

T.O. always blows up in week two, and if you saw Tampa's defensive backs last week, you will start him, his brother, and his two dumbass publicists... er friends... er... paid friends from his reality show. How did that show get resigned for another year???

DENVER (-3) over Cleveland

I hate myself for picking the donkeys and Big Mac two weeks in a row, but I'm doing it. The way I see it... They are due for a couple gimme wins before they hit the gauntlet and don't win another game the rest of the season. I'm going to go stick my finger down my throat.

Pittsburgh (-3) over CHICAGO

Don't write off the Bears after this loss, they just need to get some things figured out, and hair or no hair, the Steeler D is not who you figure it out against. The line has been -3.5 to Pitt all week until now. It will be close.

B-more (+3) over SAN DIEGO

What we learned last week? LaDaninan Tomlinson is old, and it may have not been the best idea for me to draft him number 2 overall in my fantasy league. It's not that I'm worried about it. I guarantee you he still turns out to be a top 10 fantasy back its just that, against good defenses, I may be screwed. San Diego is perennially the most overrated team in the league, even more than Dallas, speaking of...

DALLAS (-3) over New York football Giants

I never bet on Dallas/New York games or Dallas/Washington games, and you shouldn't either.

MIAMI (+3) over Indianapolis

I am just not on the Indy bandwagon, at all. Barely beat Jacksonville. Miami will get back to basics and not the stupid wildcat every play. Double team Reggie Wayne. Bienvenido a Miami.

Speaking of Monday Night Football. Collinsworth is pretty much the exact same thing as John Madden, but for a younger generation. Madden 2.0. Still speaks the obvious, but knows things that the modern NFL fan deems relevant. Back when Madden took over, not everyone knew what a draw play was, what play action does to the safeties, the difference between a personal foul and something of the five yard variety. etc. Now, chicks even know these things. While Madden would say Devin Hester is fast, Collinsworth will drop a 40 time. It's only a matter of time before we see Collinsworth as the same rambling football icon that Madden was.

Oh, and one more thing. The Kanye West thing was staged. What?? something controversial happened on the VMA's?? I mean this has never happened before!! except for the whole borat/eminem thing.. the madonna britney spears kiss.. eminem again.. madonna again.. anything else you can think of. If you believe MTV didn't stage this, or at the very least allow/encourage it.. I've got a sandbox in Florida that's yours for 10k. I haven't watched not Music Television in 5 years, and I'll be damned if these dumb gimmicks year after year will get me back in. play. music. videos. ass.

I once thought a Big Mac was good

2009-09-11T14:13:00.000-07:00

So I’m stuck in unexplainable I-25 traffic passing Invesco Field when all of a sudden a rogue thought pops into my head. Dude. That big eared son of a bitch Josh McDaniels is a damn genius. Try to follow me on this one.

Following a 3-13 season, and the franchise in a clear state of disarray, the Dallas Cowboys were sold to Jerry Jones 1989. First order of business for the oil tycoon and new club owner? Fire the franchise icon, two time NFL champion, and the only person to coach the team in the history of its existence, Tom Landry. Shock and awe. The legendary fedora replaced by a young, luscious head of hair, University of Miami (“the u”) coach Jimmy Johnson. And Jerry wasn’t done there.

Naturally the toilet deposit that was the previous season relegated the ‘boys to the first overall pick in the 1989 draft, a relegation that the ‘boys used to draft then future hall of famer Troy Aikman. In a second audacious move by new owner Jerry Jones, and in the midst of the 1989 season, the Cowboys traded two time pro-bowl running back Herschel Walker, for well, something like this….

Minnesota gets:

- Herschel Walker
- Dallas’ 1990 3rd round pick
- San Diego’s 1990 5th round pick
- Dallas’s 1990 10th round pick… they had a 10th round back then?
- Dallas’ 1991 3rd round pick
- 20 years of gift baskets from Jerry Jones
- Replica Cowboys Super Bowl Rings

Dallas gets:

- LB Jesse Solomon
- LB David Howard
- CB Issaic Holt
- Minnesota’s 1990 1st,2nd,6th round picks
- Minnesota’s 1991 1st, 2nd round picks
- Minnesota’s 1992 2nd, 3rd round pick
- Minnesota’s 1993 1st round pick
- The rights to then Vikings’ general manager Mike Lynn’s first born son
- 40 acres and a mule
- 3 super bowl championships

The three subsequent drafts following the trade and 1989 season yielded nine, I repeat, nine, pro bowlers and the uniting of the Aikman-Irvin-Smith triumvirate that would bring the city of Dallas an NFL dynasty, and Jerry Jones the right to freeload off said dynasty for the next 13 years. You follwin’ me camera guy?

Now, the legalized rape, trade style, probably would not exist today being how a majority of NFL upper management is well, literate. But the song remains the same.

Flash forward 20 years, the Broncos are unequivocally mediocre. And a brand new coach is hired to analyze the situation, diagnose the problem, and fix it. In the short term, you have a prominent offense, with no running back, and no defense. The problem is, realistically, Jay Cutler is good enough to carry your team to 7-9 and year after year of middle round draft picks.

And here’s where a stroke of brilliant long term thinking, and an acute knowledge of NFL history influences a decision to trade the best player on your team. Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy, and Tim Tebow are in the NFL Draft next year. So you can take it from here right? Trade Cutler, get your extra first round picks in 2009 and 2010, along with your third rounder in 2010, burn one of your first round picks next year to draft Sam Bradford, use the other picks to build the defense, and attempt to win championships with the Bradford-Moreno-Marshall triumvirate. In other words, tank the season to get a quarterback, who even if he is not as good as Cutler, will be pretty damn close, and rebuild your team faster, and younger….. ooo, I'm not feeling so good...

Josh McDaniels lives up to his given name… After 10 minutes of buying into a big mac... I had to take a crap.

Back to I-25, when I finally came down off of my grease high and traffic started moving, I realized how wrong I was. First, the original trade big mac wanted to make was for career backup Matt Cassel. Second, and most importantly… BIG MAC TRADED THE BRONCOS FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICK NEXT YEAR FOR 2ND ROUND PICK CORNERBACK ALPHONSO SMITH THIS YEAR!...... oh man, I think something is wedged in my small intestine.

…The hamburgler would run a team better. Instead of providing method to his madness of bringing in veteran defensive players like Brian Dawkins and pissing off and trading his best players, he rolls up the sleeves on his new hoodie, concentrates on giving cryptic answers to injury inquiries, and taking pot-shots at the quarterback he traded away and whooped his ass. Really Big Mac? the fans were… “more than a 6”… that’s all you got? Say that again when your 1-6 and your stadium is more full of Cowboy, Steeler, Patriot, etc. fans than Broncos… oh god, I gotta go potty..

Nothing says Championship like this picture

This team has so many holes, Sonny’s bullet ridden body at the end of Godfather looks like a pretty good gig. Big Mac will continue to clog the arteries of the franchise until its so embarrassing they move the franchise to Los Angeles, or until its cholesterol level is so high it has to be prescribed a lifetime supply Plavix… er… Bill Cowher. And with the 1st pick in the 2010 NFL Draft… the Seattle Seahawks select… if the Bible wasn’t written 2000 years ago, Josh McDaniels would be the 8th deadly plague... alright I’m done… enough broncos, donkeys, asses, jackasses talk.. I wish I could say it’s going to be a long season for the Broncos… but it’s going to be more like a long five seasons… alright I’m piling on.. I’m done.

NFC Predictions

2009-09-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

NFC North

Chicago Bears; preseason over/under: 8.5

Chicago finally has a real quarterback. Everyone says the receivers in Chicago are not good, ever thought the reason they weren't good is because they had Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman throwing it to them? I'm not saying there's a Larry Fitzgerald on the team, I'm just sayin' Cutler will make it work.

Prediction: 10-6... over

Detroit Lions: preseason over/under: 4.5

One of the many reasons I love football... it really seems that each team really represents what the host city is all about. Pittsburgh; smashmouth, ugly, blue collar football. Dallas;everything's big in Texas, more flash than substance, entertaining football. Detriot; bankrupt and unemployed... football. Poor Calvin Johnson.

Prediction: 3-13

Green Bay Packers; preseason over/under: 9

Everybody and their brother wanted Aaron Rodgers on their fantasy team. Sexy sort of under the radar super bowl team. I'm still not sure about the defense, but can't wait for Favre to get faced up. This is the going to be the most fun division in football.

Prediction: 10-6... over... maybe?

Minnesota Vikings; preseason over/under: 9.5

Vikings end up winning the division, but it's thanks to a fast start, and a late season fade when Farve starts being old. Stacked defense will keep them in it though. Not to mention Brad Childress... the real question for the Vikings is, did Favre get road head from Childress in the back of the car after he picked him up from the airport? "let me know if there is too much teeth Brett." This is the last thing I will say about Favre but, what is the difference between T.O. and Brett Favre? Both trash the ex-teams in different ways, both manipulate the teams they play for. I am going to love to hate the Vikings this year.

Prediction: 11-5... over

NFC EAST

Dallas Cowboys; preseason over/under: 9

Hear me out, but the Dallas Cowboys are still too talented to win less than 9 games. The only thing that changes this team from an average 10 win team to a super bowl contender is the tightness of Romo's sphincter. This is the year we find out if he is a legitimate contender... or not. Here's my theory; its called the Episode III theory, and it goes as follows. A successful franchise, the Star Wars Trilogy and the Dallas Cowboys, experience a lull of horribleness. This comes from episodes I and II in the new Star Wars trilogy, and Quincy Carter, Vinny Testeverde, and Drew Bledsoe with the Dallas Cowboys. After experiencing such... crap... for such a long time, fans of the franchise see the next mediocre thing that comes along, a return to the greatness of the past. Compared to Episodes I and II, III deserves an acadamy award... compared to The Empire Strikes Back?... hogwash. Compared to Quincy, Vinny, and Drew, Romo looks like an MVP... compared to Roger Staubach and Troy Aikman?... JV. So, is Tony Romo the episode III of the Cowboys? God I hope not.

Prediction: 11-5... over baby.

New York Giants; preseason over/under: 9.5

Giants got the Defense obviously. They've got the running game, obviously. The concern? The wide receivers. Shouldn't be. The wide out corps is due to breakout. Hakeem Nicks up for rookie of the year, Mario Manningham to be one of the most popular fantasy waiver wire pickups.

Prediction: 11-5... over

Philadelphia Eagles; preseason over/under: 9.5

Drama, distractions, drama, distractions. Sure Donovan is all happy right now, but let's see how happy he is when he goes through the predictable midseason benching, and the world starts clammering for Vick. If he can get benched for Kolb, he can definitely get benched for Vick. Late season fade here we come.

Prediction: 10-6... over

Washington Redskins; preseason over/under: 8

This could be another sleeper team no one is talking about. Additions of Orakpo and Haynesworth scare the poop out of the division... mainly Andre Gurode. It all comes down to Jason Campbell. We'll see.

Prediction: 7-9... under

NFC SOUTH

Atlanta Falcons; preseason over/under: 8.5

Down year for the division, sophopmore slump for Matt Ryan. But he'll pull out of it in the end.

Prediction: 9-7

Carolina Panthers; preseason over/under: 8.5

What's the difference between Tony Romo and Jake Delhomme? Both throw interceptions in the playoffs, one has gotten luckier than the other. Anyway I don't think the Julius Peppers thing is over. He wants out, and at the first sign of trouble he might shut it down. Still, I'm on the theme of a down year for this division.

Precition: 8-8... under

New Orleans Saints; preseason over/under: 9

I am really not buying the New Orleans Saints like everyone else. Sure the offense is there, but I don't see the major defensive acquisitions that can hold the opponent to under 20 points a game. New Orleans scores to quickly, giving too many opportunities to the other teams. I'm just not with Drew and his 'down home cookouts.'

Prediction: 8-8.... under

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: preseason over/under: 6.5

Yikes, my pick for worst team in the NFL this season. A return to true Tampa Bay form.

Prediction: 1-15... over...wait

NFC WEST

Arizona Cardinals: preseason over/under: 8.5

Everyone is sayin' the Cardinals are going to fall into the Super Bowl losers carry over... I don't see it. None of the other teams that lost in the Super Bowl came back with Larry Fitzgerald and upgraded at runningback with Beanie Wells. There is no one in the division as talented as this team. Playoff birth immenent.

Prediction: 10-6

San Fransisco 49ers; preseason over/under: 7

Mike Singletary has this team headed in the right direction, they just need to get a new quarterback. Pound the rock.

Prediction: 6-10

Seattle Seahawks; preseason over/under: 8

Comeback season for Seattle, but barely. Matt Hasselbeck is too bald, and Julius Jones is too sucky. It will be nice to have Housh, but, thats it. Mediocrity on the way.

Prediction: 8-8.... moot

St. Louis Rams: preseason over/under: 5.5

Spags is gonna have this team ready to go. Just not this season. The guy the Broncos should have hired is gonna put a little discipline in the team, and hopefully get Stephen Jackson going.

Prediction: 4-12... under

NFC Playoff ranks:

1. Vikings
2. Cowboys
3. Cardinals
4. Falcons
5. Giants
6. Bears

Playoff Predictions

Wild Card Round: 6. Bears over 3. Cardinals; 5. Giants over 4. Falcons
Divisional round: 6. Bears over 1. Vikings; 2. Cowboys over 5. Giants
NFC Championship: 6. Bears over 2. Cowboys

SUPER BOWL: Pittsburgh Steelers over Chicago Bears

And now to this weeks game lines: (all according to sportsbook.com)

Titans (+6.5) over Steelers: Steelers win
Broncos (+4) over Bengals: Broncos win
Vikings (-4) over Browns: Vikings win
Texans (-4.5) over Jets: Texans win
Jags (+7) over Colts: Jags win
Lions (+13) over Saints: Saints win
Cowboys (-6) over Bucs: Cowboys win
Dolphins (+4) over Falcons: Dolphins win
Ravens (-13) over Chiefs: Ravens win
Panthers (+2.5) over Eagles: Panthers win
Redskins (+6.5) over Giants: Giants win
Seahawks (-8.5) over Rams: Seahawks win
Cardinals (-6.5) over 49ers: Cardinals win
Packers (-3.5) over Bears: Packers win
Patriots (-10.5) over Bills: Pats win
Raiders (+9) over Chargers: Raiders win

Best. Season. Ever.

AFC Predictions

2009-09-08T22:49:00.000-07:00

This is going to be the best football season ever. Seriously, are you kidding me? Favre going against his first team. Romo to prove something in best sports facility in the world. McDaniels destroying a franchises hopes and dreams. Cutler's got a defense. Tom Brady is back. Pittsburgh and New England go head to head with their best players to determine the team of the decade. I can't freaking wait.. here's how I see it.

AFC North:

Baltimore Raves; Preseason over/under: 8.5

Model of consistency, the Baltimore Ravens. Honestly, as long as they have Raylew and the majority of the Big D, they can't go less than 9-7, especially with the AFC West on the sched. Of the two breakout rookie QB's last season, Flacco comes out of it sans a sophomore slump.

Prediction: 10-6... over

Cleveland Browns; Preseason over/under: 6.5

And so the Brownies are back with a new Belichick assistant, a new quarterback, and the same overwhelming scent of underachievement. Along with being in a murder division, the Browns have to take on the NFC north, but catch a break with the AFC West. While there will continue to be questions about the quarterback, whether or not Edwards can catch the rock, at least they don't have soldier Kellen Winslow. Still, the curse of Cleveland sports and the Browns is near Chicago Cubs severity, it cannot be lifted, especially with so many questionmarks. It's plausible to see the Browns take 3rd in the division over the Bengals, but it won't happen.

Prediction: 5-11... under

Cincinnati Bengals; Preseason over/under: 7

I've developed a theory... the "hard knocks" theory... if you will. It's pretty simple, if your team is on the HBO series hard knocks, you're not making the playoffs. Don't get me wrong, it's one of my favorite shows, but the last two teams didn't, and one of those teams had super bowls aspirations. Chad Esteban Ochocinco Johnson will have a moderate comback year, Chris Henry will have a breakout year, and Rey Maualuga is gonna be legit, but Marvin Lewis is still the coach... oh yeah, Andre Smith is a fat piece of crap... it's a hard knocks life.

Prediction: 7-9... moot

Pittsburgh Steelers; Preseason over/under: 10.5

So who's it gonna be? who's the team of the decade? Steelers? Patriots? Steelers still got the D. And they're still the Steelers so they'll drop the occasional "what the?" game when the offensive line decides it's not important to play and BR gets sacked 8 times. It feels like the only thing that can stop them long term is the conviction of Mike Tomlin for money laundering, and illegal arms dealing.

Prediction: 11-5... over

AFC EAST:

Buffalo Bills; Preseason over/under: 7.5

Tough call here, the only thing really stopping this team is the offensive line being simply, offensive. It's pretty clear T.O. isn't taking his new job seriously, but I finally can admire a quarterback not going out of his way to kiss T.O.'s fat ass... ego... Tough division, no huddle offense to come which may cut down on T.O.'s bitching.. or increase it...

Prediction: 8-8... over.. wouldn't bet on it.

Miami Dolphins; Preseason over/under: 7

It's a Bill Parcells coached team whether Sparano is there or not. Parcells doesn't finish lower than 9 wins.

Prediction: 10-6... over

New England Patriots; preseason over/under: 10.5

My one worry with the Patriots this season?... the loss of Josh McDaniels... nope! Whether or not the Patriots overcome the losses on defense will determine how far they go this season. The offense is too prolific for the defensive problems to show themselves in the regular season, and Belichick will cheat in the playoffs so...

Prediction: 13-3... over

New York football Jets; preaseason over/under:7.5

New coach, new quarterback, not in a weak division. I think they will be decent, the coach is going to be fine. Sanchez will start to pull it together at the end of the season.

Prediction: 7-9... under

AFC SOUTH

Houston Texans; preseason over/under: 8.5

Everybody in the world's sleeper pick to bust out like the bottom button on a fat man. Still issues on defense, but it really comes down to whether man of glass Matt Schaub can stay healthy.. if so? good for them, if not? sexy rexy grossman... boink.

Prediction: I'm buyin'... I'm still goin' 11-5... over... i think..

Jacksonville Jaguars; preseason over/under: 8

This is my bust out team to the basement. Del Rio's team is falling apart, the loss of Fred Taylor, David Garrard is not very good no matter if he has Big Game Holt or not.

Prediction: 5-11... UNDER

Indianapolis Colts: 10

Another bust out team to the basement. New coach, and Joseph Addai looks pedestrian. Peyton needs the running game and D to step up big or its going to be a long season. Did anyone realize the Colts struggled last season? They are on the down people, trust me. Manning still has some left in the tank, but he can't carry this team without a serious influx of talent.

Prediction: 7-9.... under

Tennessee Titans; preseason over/under: 9

Lendale White and the running game baby. Best secondary in the game. Big time running attack. They might stumble tonight, but don't be suprised by the upset. Titans will be around well into the season and beat up the division.

Prediction: 11-5

AFC WEST

Denver Broncos; preseason over/under: 6

Should have bet the under on this back when it was 7.5, because that was free money. I still take it though. Josh McDaniels may have the next "new big thing" when it comes to offensive strategies in the NFL. But, he has yet to realize that you need talent to execute it. That, coupled with a nightmare schedule against the AFC North, NFC East, and the Patriots and Colts to boot. Still free money.

P.S. It’s really time to go back to the old school orange and light blue unis and old logo. The current digs are stuck in the 90’s, Marky Mark Wahlberg isn’t a rapper anymore, class it up a bit.

Prediction: 3-13... UNDER

Kansas City Chiefs; preseason over/under: 6

Not sure this team is that different from the one above. Honestly bringing in career backup Matt Cassel? Have fun with that franchise QB, or not. Still, new coach, just fired offensive coordinator. This division is a joke.

Prediction: 3-13

Oakland Raiders; preseason over/under: 6

I'm gonna catch grief for this. But this is my sleeper pick of the '09 season. Say what you want about the head coach droppin' assistant coaches like Mike Singletary's pants, Al Davis eating his own feces. They have a staunch running game, and a good defense in a crappy division. Capable of pulling the occasional upset because no one is going to be jacked up to play them. You heard it hear first.

Prediction: 8-8... over

San Diego Chargers; preseason over/under: 10

Comeback year for LT. Darren Sproles is a one year wonder. Norv Turner still sucks.

Prediction: 11-5... over... barely... don't bet on it... NORV TURNER

AFC PLAYOFF RANKS

1. Patriots
2. Texans
3. Steelers
4. Chargers
5. Titans
6. Ravens

Wild Card Round: 3. Steelers over 6. Ravens; 5. Titans over 4. Chargers
Divisional Round: 3. Steelers over 2. Texans; 5. Titans over 1. Patriots
AFC Championship: 3. Steelers over 5. Titans

Fly Away Hawk

2009-09-08T11:59:00.000-07:00

It’s division I football, it’s the Big XII, this ain’t intramurals brother.

Originally this statement was a program rally call. Finally, someone to put the program back on the college football map. You know, there were times when the University of Colorado was considered a perennial contender for national championships. They played historic games against big time programs like Michigan and Notre Dame. Colorado-Nebraska and Colorado-Mizzou rivalries meant something.

Now this statement symbolizes what CU football has become… all hype.

When Dan Hawkins was named the head coach, he came in preaching a return to national prominence… and then he won two games.

The next year he promised improvement, and actually delivered a glimmer of promise with an upset of undefeated Oklahoma… and then a bowl loss to Alabama.

The year after he heralded an influx of quality talent to the University and an improvement on the foundation that was built the previous year, and we have yet to see savior of CU football Darrell Scott become the feature back, or turn in a record above .500.

My world is flipped turned upside down. Left is right, up is down, Favre is retired, csu has a better football program than CU.

I wish I could sit here and in good honesty say the University lost to the state’s second university because of a lack of pass rush, and an unexpectedly decent opponent. But that’s not why csu won for the sixth time (2 against Hawkins) in the last 26 years. They won because of Dan Hawkins.

Hawkins had two big decisions to make this offseason, and one statement to make the first game of the 2009 season.

1. Name a starting quarterback.

By all indications, the offseason battle was a dead heat between son Cody Hawkins and Tyler Hansen. Both passed for similar yards and completion percentage. And everyone foresaw the University utilizing at very least, the talents of both quarterbacks. If this was the case, if all the spring and summer stats published were not validated by Arthur Andersen, why wouldn’t you give the edge to Hansen? A taller (by a couple inches, I’ve stood next to him and am still taller… I’m only an honest 5’10”) more athletic quarterback? I know, disregard the fact that we are in year four of the Hawkins regime and still haven’t recruited a quarterback that can ride a rollercoaster, we’ll get there later.

If these are truly the two best QB’s (and by if Hawk is the evaluator, I’m beginning to wonder if they really are) why would you give the edge to the shorter, less athletically gifted quarterback? I guess the intangibles of being able to lead a division I football team to a two win season, the innate inability to throw the ball farther than 15 yards, and the life choices to drink milk instead of booze at college parties are things that don’t show up on the stat sheets. So now instead of seeing Hansen, or at least a two quarterback system, Hansen is redshirting?

Note to all females attending the University of Colorado. Stop freaking out about Cody Hawkins, or until they win a game any CU football player for that matter, showing up at the party you are at. Without his dad, he is nothing but a decent looking douche…wait, he’s nothing but a decent looking douche with his dad. Look I’m just saying, how many girls are warming up to the average English major in the corner sipping on some Royal Crest because, “he doesn’t drink.”

2. Develop an offense that can hang in the Big XII

Hawkins preached a grassroots Big XII movement, a rushing attach that would rival the Bill Mac years of Heisman trophy winners and big time bowl appearances. I mean, the University does have a stock of runningbacks and an offensive line that averages 6’8” three-hundo. I’m sold.

And then Cody Hawkins threw the ball 40 times against CSU.

I said before the game that CU needed 300 yards of total rushing to have a serious chance at competing in the Big XII this year. By controlling the clock on the ground, we would be able to limit the number of offensive possessions that the wide open spread offenses of the conference use. And since pass happy teams generally need all the opportunities they can get, sounds good to me. And then the Buffs rushed for 29 yards.

The buffs handed off to … Demetrius Sumler?... the most of any Colorado runningback.

What is Dan Hawkins' fetish with untalented, undersized players at the skill positions? Last time I checked the Buffs signed a 6’1 225 pound, all time SoCal leading high school running man-child. Speaking of…

In games that Darrell Scott is handed the ball at least 10 times the Buffs are 4-1. This stat should horrify buff fan in two ways. First, I think five games is enough to determine a direct correlation to number of wins and DS production, why is he not the undeniable feature runningback? Second, DS has only touched the ball at least 10 times in only 5 games… Jigga What? And further! Go here for the stats, pay particular attention to number of carries, yards per carry… http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/player/gamelog?playerId=379060&year=2008

3. One statement.

The last time the Buffs lost to the rams they went 2-10. What reason to we have to believe this season will end any other way. This was the opportunity to show that the Buffs were in fact moving in the right direction. Every team in the Big XII (minus a Bradford-less Oklahoma) won by double digit margins... even Iowa State. At the beginning of the Hawkins Era, the Oklahoma State Cowboys had a worse record than the Buffaloes, now they are in the top 10. Instead walking the walk, Hawkins has done nothing to show he can even crawl the crawl.

These aren’t the only two decisions that have the buffs in the garbage… but it’s becoming a trend. It’s also the little things, the handoff to the smallest runningback on the team on a 4th and 1, the run/pass distribution, that is creating an all-hype culture at CU.

It really still feels like we haven’t gotten over the “rape” scandals under Gary Barnett. So instead of getting someone that is looking to truly reshape the program and bring us home a national championship, we’re looking for a happy face.

And no one has a happier face than Hawk. When he came to the Buffs I was sold, I stuck through the loss to Montana State, and this is how I am repaid. Yeah he took Boise State to the top 25, and without him they are perennial BCS busters. Here's the thing, we don't need anyone to tell us it's going to be alright anymore, we need someone to make it so.

It’s time for Hawkins to put up or shut up. I’m tired of hearing what the Buffs are going to do, who we are going to have, who is going to step up. I’m tired of his life philosophies, his “it’s all going to be ok-isms,” his high pitched voice.

Short of a miracle 9 win season, it’s time for Hawkins to fly himself out of here.

This ain’t intramurals brother, coaches at big time programs get fired for far less than this, this is the big XII, this is division I football. Get the fuck out.

What do CU and csu students have in common?

2009-09-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

It’s the fundamental question that creates such a rivalry between two polar opposites. I mean can’t we all just get along?

I mean… we were both born of a woman.

Of course it’s the choices we make after exiting the vaginal canal that defines who we are.

The most popular majors in Boulder (down to 5% of student population according to collegeboard.com):

- Business/Marketing: 15%

- Social Sciences: 15%

- Biology: 11%

- Psychology: 9%

- Communications/Journalism: 8%

- Engineering: 8%

- Visual and Performing Arts: 6%

- Foreign Languages and Literature: 5%

The most popular majors in fort collins:

- Business/Marketing: 14%

- Family and Consumer Sciences: 9%

- Biology: 8%

- Social Sciences: 8%

- Engineering: 7%

- English: 7%

- Parks And Recreation: 7%

- Agriculture: 6%

- Engineering Technologies: 5%

- Psychology: 5%

- Visual and Performing Arts: 5%

There are the results of our choices. Sure, the business students are a dime a dozen… or are they? (see business school rankings) But it's supposed to be what we don't have in common that makes the rivalry.

Boulder "social scientists," aka underprivileged baby savers, educators, stoners, vs. fort collins “family and consumer scientists,” aka… uh… baby makers?

And while fort collins raises with our friendly 7% Parks-and-Recreation-camping-party-buster major, Boulder calls with the 8% Communication and Journalism students who report about it, and re-raises with a 5% Foreign Languages and Literature. fort collins of course calls with the 6% Agriculture. That’s 13% each. Show your cards. I see a pair of educated smokers to a pair of educated hicks. Who wins the money?

I mean… we both live in top ranked cities.

But while Boulder ranks among the top places for singles, (and remains an amazing store of wealth) fort collins ranks among top places for families. (which is nice for baby makers.. er… family and consumer scientists)

fort collins drinks in a place described as old, Boulder drinks at a place identified with a pearl. Look I’m not sayin’… I’m just sayin’.

high tech research facility pulled from csu website. yes, this is a smear campaign

Most importantly, I mean… we both play football.

And we both play annually play each other Labor Day weekend. We both get trashed. And we both want to win. But again, too much uncommon ground for a rivalry to not exist, because….

Boulder fan usually wins, and fort collins fan usually loses.

The all time rocky mountain showdown record is a pant wettingly hilarious 58-19-2 in favor of the flagship university. I know I know, its tough to count games that were played before black people were allowed to play, so in that case… since the showdown was resurrected in 1983 (didn’t exist between ’58-‘83), colorado state university has won… five times. 25 years and state is still on one hand.

This year seems to be particularly unfair. While both team wear gold, one boasts an NFL sized offensive line, returning starting runningbacks, quarterbacks (bet it all combined 8 feet of them), and defensive backfield. One coach has put a season goal of 10 wins forth, another coach has called his quarterback play “the worst I’ve ever seen.”

I mean, we both love the rivalry.

And that's why it is ridiculous the game is not played at Invesco every year.

Boulder fan pretends to care, but really just looks forward to start the season off feeling good about themselves and the school you chose to attend. fort collins fan pretends not to care, gets shitfaced, gets angry, and engages in intellectual debate fit for C-span justifying why they like csu better than CU. God I can never find a parking spot! It’s cause it’s an actual city, not a suburb. Those dirty hippies smell bad! I find cows smell worse. I mean yeah if you want some dumb California blonde sorority girls…yes please.

When its all said and done it comes down to perception. See? I’ve come up with a couple things we have in common, we really aren’t so different you and I fort collins fan.

I think you guys are hicks, aren’t you? You think we’re rich stoner hippies, aren’t we?

You think we are arrogant, 59-19 er… 20-5 doesn’t earn us the right to be?

You find our sarcastic references to you as Colorado’s Second University low class and unfounded, I find your penis jokes and fight songs… mainly fum’s (youtube it)… uninspired, jealous, and outdated.

One team has the Nike contract, one team had the russell athletic contract.

It’s not our fault your stadium only holds 35,000.

Of course there is really only one thing that makes the rivalry so intense. And it’s the same overriding thing that students at the two universities have in common.

What do CU and csu students have in common?

They both got in to csu.

42-3

Buffs.

Finals Observations

2009-06-15T10:34:00.000-07:00

A couple surprises in a predictable end… pretty much sums up everything you’ll hear Magic’s Johnson, Stuart Scott and espn say for the next fortnight… Instead, a few reflective finals observations:

The finals MVP award continues to be the “U-10 soccer league end-of-the season trophy” equivalent.

You know. Everybody gets a trophy, because even you, slow fat kid, are a winner. I’m not sayin Kobe Bryant is the slow fat kid. While he was probably the most talented player on the court throughout the finals series, the Lakers won because of Pau Gasol. It was Pau who was the best go-to-guy near the end of the close games, It was Pau who was giving Dwight Howard hell on both ends of the court. In other words, not only was he an option the Magic proved to have no answer for at the end of close games, he neutralized the best player on the other team. But, Kobe Bryant deserved it.

Say it Kobe. You know you want to. Raise your middle finger to the camera, and mouth the words “fuck you Shaq.”

This is where I wish we could really let our athletes be more candid without soccer moms freaking out about how role models should act. You know he wants to say it. You know every time Stuart “mad eye” Scott asks him why this championship means a little bit more than any other, you know it is, if only a small part, because he does not like Shaquille O’Neal. First off, I’m frankly starting to agree with him. If you have to “tweet” to stay relevant, you are indeed… irrelevant. That goes for twitter in general if you ask me. Second off, stop asking Kobe Bryant the question if you are going to crucify him for the truthful answer.

This is a media phenomenon that happens all the time. It’s baffling. Media person “x” approaches athlete “y” and presents two options. Athlete “y” can either “a” lie or “b” keep it real. Let “p” equal the athlete’s public opinion.

_______(p) = e^a x 1.1
----------/
x-->y = p
----------\
_______(p) = e^-b x 0.9

I call this the “ed werder effect.” The theory and equation are still in obvious preliminary stages, but it is loosely rooted in valuing derivative options and meant to mathematically display how desperate story whore media types like ed werder do business, and how ed werder is partly, if not wholly, responsible for the demise of the 2008-2009 Dallas Cowboys. More on this in the future.

“Damn” was the word du jour for the playoff coaches.

Swearing was this year’s hot new summer fashion for 2009 NBA playoff coaches. From George Karl’s emotional “ya know… I think we’re a damn good basketball team” after the Nugs beat the Bugs, to Phil Jackson’s “I mean this Aaron Brooks kid is a good player… I mean give this kid some fuckin credit man… for real” after the Lakers got beat by the Rockets. To my personal favorite, “look I’m not trying to be an ass” by Stan Van Gundy after being dropped like Mike Singletary’s pants in five games. “Bad” words really tell the tale of the emotional state of a coach, but let’s not water it down guys. Let’s make this more of an iPod trend than a pet rock.

Lamar Odom only plays when it’s important.

I’m convinced the reason the Lakers seem to rip the heart out of every team in a must-win situation is because Lamar Odom only plays when he feels like it. I can’t figure out why he isn’t one of the best players in the game. Athletically and even based on skill he can do things most other players can’t, but he’s still coming off the bench. Must be nice when you're making multiple millions to only play for a couple games a year. This is the reason every team honestly thinks they had a chance against the Lakers this year in the playoffs. Because when Lamar Odom doesn't play like he wants to, the Lakers are indeed beatable. When he does, the door is shut.

Should Lamar Odom’s nickname be Lamar’s Doughnuts or Sugar Ray Odom?

You tell me.

Why can’t all sideline reporters look like Erin Andrews?

It’s been 45 years since a sideline reporter told us anything valuable. I’m uncomfortable looking at a person dripping in sweat and attempting to choke out a cliché answer between heavy breaths to a ridiculous question. So either do away with these obnoxious and pointless interviews, or give me something good to look at. This is the entertainment business for Pete’s sake.

Go easy on Dwight Howard

WE KNOW! Dwight Howard only has one move, it’s predictable, and it was exposed in the NBA finals. It’s not his fault. His entire life he has been bigger than everybody he has played against. The drop step and dunk is a pretty unstoppable move when you’re Dwight Howard. The thing is, even if he never develops a jumpshot, or a go-to move, by defense and rebounding alone he will always be one of the most dominant players in the league.

I don’t buy that they lost the series because Howard didn’t have more than one move. The Lakers were top to bottom a better team. They can play three seven footers at the same time if they want. I’m sorry. It’s not your fault Dwight.. no seriously, it’s not your fault… it’s not your fault… it’s not your fault. It’s. not. your. fault.

Plus, he’s 23 years old! Cut him some slack, he’s got time. “I mean give this kid some fuckin’ credit man… for real.”

Jeff Van Gundy’s commentary is weak.

Between all the forced jokes and yelling, I really don’t think Jeff Van Gundy’s analysis is anything good at all. He completely failed to remain objective by going off on Jameer Nelson for not fouling when 'brother the fatter' told him not to. The only thing he is good at, is literally yelling the obvious. KOBE BRYANT IS A GREAT BASKETBALL PLAYER... AND I DON'T HAVE ANY HAIR!

I don’t know, maybe it’s just that I constantly picture Mark Jackson holding JVG back like… well you know… in the booth while JVG goes on one of his tangents that I cannot take him seriously.

Kobe overacted

No academy award too Kobe, sorry. I thought your acting in the latest Spike Lee joint about a fictional basketball player playing against the San Antonio Spurs was truly the start of a promising career, but the sophomore slump apparently exists in acting too. I mean it’s got to be hard to act excited when you knew it was over after game one but still… the biting of the finger nails was a bit contrived. The man-hugs were a little too close for comfort. I think Derek Fisher was even a little wierded out.

But of course this gets at the core of why I prefer Kobe Bryant’s Lakers to Kevin Garnett’s Celtics. I’ll watch hours of nail biting and underbites and borderline homesexual contact over one more viewing of KG’s “anything is possible.” Hands down the single most embarrassing sports moment of all time.

“Look who’s back on TV!!!!”

Saw a commercial for the new can’t miss premier of the new “original” comedy/drama/horror picture show “cougar town.”

“There comes a time in every woman’s life when she steps back in the mirror and says, ‘what the hell is that?’ Let’s face it, life isn’t the same for a divorced middle age woman. And it’s time someone got back in the dating game. Join us as we find out what it means to love, live, and grow in ABC’s ‘taking the plunge’ drama “cougar town.”… And you’ll never guess who’s back on TV… (Courtney Cox is shown revealing her tight aging body in lingerie) … Courtney Cox!... just be careful.. IT’S A JUNGLE OUT THERE!”

Put it away already CC. When you have to be “back on TV” this many times, I think it’s time to hang it up … wait…

“New and coming this fall to FOX Sundays. A drama proving that the NFL isn’t just for young men anymore. Life isn’t the same for a washed up middle age quarterback. And it’s time someone got back in the game. Step over youngster’s with promising futures, prepare to be wowed by an old fart. Join us as we find out what it means to love, live, and grow in FOX’s new lobotomy, “Won’t Go Away.” … and you’ll never guess who’s back on TV! (Brett Favre shown revealing himself shirtless in his football pants)… Brett Favre!!... just be careful.. IT’S LIKE A FOOTBALL GAME OUT THERE!”

Lakers will be back.

Get ready, the Lakers aren’t going anywhere. And they are not losing Ariza or Sugar Ray either.

let's get this bitch interactive. email me-------------> middleamericanbias@gmail.com

Finals Preview.. a day late

2009-06-05T09:23:00.000-07:00

(I know i know.. bush league i posted this after game 1.... was busy.. swear i wrote this before.)

When breaking down the NBA finals, too many ‘could be’ situations exist for the Magic to win the NBA championship. Everyone, including myself, really wants this to be a competitive, all-time classic series between the perceived best team in the league, with the best player in the league, against a ‘now coming into their own’ young gunning team. I want it, I really do. I just don’t see it happening. Here’s what needs to happen for the Orlando Magic to take down the Los Angeles Lakers:

1. Contain Kobe Bryant.

Could be… Mickael (isn’t ‘Michael’ a perfectly fine way of spelling the name? Why fix something that’s not broken? I don’t get it) Pietrus’s length and athleticism enables him to limit Kobe’s touches, pester him with physicality to the point where he gets in his head, and feed him a steady diet of hands in his face until Kobe starts shooting on his own basket to get his points.

Won’t be… it’s freaking Kobe Bryant. Limit his shots; that’s when he plays his best. The Lakers are undefeated when he takes fewer than 25 shots. Kobe Bryant is on a mission. He’s too proud, or too arrogant depending on how you want to look at it, to go his entire career without winning a championship on his own terms. He knows much of his reputation is on the line here… and fairly so. Shaq was taken out of LA because it was to be Kobe’s show, and Kobe threatened to leave after two years of “no help around him.” He is the best player in the league, and for him to be considered the best of all time, there is no way he can’t win the ship this time, and he knows it. Watch games 5 and 6 of the Western Conference Finals, in the words of George Karl… “some of those shots… even Jesus couldn’t cover him.” Not sure how much time JC had for ballin’ between carpentry and bearing the sins of the human race back in the first century, or even what his vertical jump was… probably pretty high I guess… “don’t bring that weak polytheistic jumpshot in the Lord’s kingdom Kobe… you go strong to the holy cup in His name… or you don’t go at all!”

2. Thriesta

Could be… the Magic magically keep shooting over 40 percent from the three point line, and keep making the average 8 threes a game. Lake show is forced to constantly double team Howard, leaving shooters wide open from beyond the arc. The Lakers have no answer three point shooter except a guy who’s first name is all of a sudden unisex (sasha) and who’s last name sounds like a sneeze (vujacic… bless you).

Wont be… Lakers athletically matchup better than any team Orlando has played yet. Derrek Fisher, Kobe Bryant, and Trevor Ariza have the athleticism to step our on shooters and are big enough to affect the shot. But more than anything, are you really comfortable living by the three point shot against the international melting pot of talent the Lakers have? Really?

3. Dwight Howard Dominated

Could be… Dwight Howard continues to tear up frontcourts like it’s his job… wait.. it is. Howard out muscles the finesse of resident racist Pau Gasol, and remains too talented for a young Bynum and sugar high Odom. Howard averages 30 and 12 and neutralizes the inside scoring advantage the Lakers have had throughout the playoffs.

resident racist Pau Gasol (third from right)

Won’t be… This is the first time all series Dwight Howard has to play against multiple offensive threats down low. Kendrick Perkins just roughs people up, and the Cavs don’t have a big man. What happens to the Magic when Howard picks up three fouls in the first half? Is the offense really going to run through Marcin Gortat?

There really isn’t much to say that hasn’t been said already. Those aforementioned three keys have to happen for the Magic to win, not two of three, not one of three, they need all three. And I didn’t even bring up the disparity in the two benches.

When push comes to shove, and reality finally sets in, we will all realize that the real NBA championship was played last week between the Nuggets and Lakers. The eastern conference is still JV. The eastern conference championship is nothing more than the NIT equivalent. Sure, you may get the occasional one-hit wonders (Celtics), but a conference where you can make the playoffs without being above .500 is what it is.

So it could be the Lakers continue to struggle against less talented teams, it could be this turns out to be an epic final series everyone will enjoy, it could be the Lakers win in 6 or 7…. But it won’t be… Lakers in 5.

Slaughtering of the Fattened Calf

2009-06-01T14:45:00.000-07:00

I still have as many NBA championships as Lebron James.

Do not be shocked by the way James left the court after the game six stomping, it was the perfect incarnation of who the “king” is.

Honestly, thank you Lebron, I couldn’t have written it better myself.

"It's hard for me to congratulate somebody after you just lose to them," he (Lebron James) said. "I'm a winner. It's not being a poor sport or anything like that. If somebody beats you up, you're not going to congratulate them. That doesn't make sense to me. I'm a competitor. That's what I do. It doesn't make sense for me to go over and shake somebody's hand." –black jesus

Actually a good point, except that the post-game/post-series handshake is part of the game. Further, it’s part of sports period. Everybody, everywhere, in every sport, at every level has experienced the post game hand shaking ritual from a losing perspective, no body likes doing it, but it’s part of sport. Think back to your own personal experience; your team up by 2 with 2.5 seconds to play, when the ball bounces to the retarded kid, (who’s last name rhymes with a body part, and is only playing because four other kids fouled out) hits a turnaround fadeaway corner three with four hands in his face, sending his team into a “the angels won the pennant”-like frenzy, and your team mocking the special olympics. Or, your team finds itself gravely overmatched, by the third quarter your down 35, the remnants of flem is still wet on your face from a curse lain lecture by your embarrassed coach, one more touchdown and he’s takin it out team managers, moms, children, and the dog.

Anyone who has played sports has been there. And everyone has begrudgingly entered awkwardly into the handshake line despite your embarrassment, anger, and hatred. Did you generally try and fake it and say good game to everyone? Did you do the half-ass hand slap while looking the other way? Did you close the fist so the opponents didn’t have enough time to adjust to your rebellious fist pound? Did you show everyone some love except skip the asshole who was covering you all game? Whatever you did, were you generally excited to engage in this? Did anyone on your team really want to be there?

But you did it. Because it’s part of playing sports. Because it’s an organized fight, not a real fight. You don’t shake the hand of the guy who stole your lunch money, because you didn’t want your lunch money stolen, you didn’t sign up for it. You want to play sports, there is no game without two opponents. The post game hand shaking is as much a demonstration of your appreciation for the game as a whole as it is for your opponent. Plus, half the fun of winning is being on the flip side of the situation. Mandatory acknowledgement of your superiority from the team you just displayed it against makes winning all the sweeter.

To put yourself above this ritual, is to put yourself above the game. No surprise Lebron James did it then. Now, I understand if he’s so completely against it all together. But in that case, don’t chest bump the other team before tip-off, hell, don’t even shake the hands of players you beat, it makes as much sense as shaking hands with the team that just beat you. If you’re a “competitor,” if that’s “what you do,” don’t be one only when you lose. Most Valuable Pussy.

Of course not only did he blow off the Orlando Magic, he blew off his boys in the media too! Come on James, they blow you all season, the least you could do is return the favor… and would it hurt to say you love me once in a while?

The media blowoff to me is telling. What exactly did you not want to talk about? What questions did you not want to answer?

I can think of two.

(Of course they wouldn’t be phrased this way, but my DNA makeup has rendered me physically incapable of ass-kissing, even if it is to prove a point.)

1. “Lebron, did the Cavs lose because of you?”

And a valid question indeed! Because of course, if Lebron James IS the team, and by all implications from himself and (before they lost) everyone else, he is, that means they lost because of him… right? His nick name is the KING! And the “king” did score a Most Valuably Pedestrian 25 points in the Game 6 loss against Orlando. But hey, I’ll give credit where credit is due, he was a freak in this series, and averaged near 40 points per game, which means….

2. “Lebron, did the Cavs lose because of your team?”

What a poignant and resonating inquiry! Hate to say I told you so… read my fist article post… teams win championships. TEAMS!!! The funny thing is this, the Cavs won 66 games this year. That’s a lot of games. Sooo the team was good enough to have the best record in the league… but now it’s their fault they lost in the conference finals? Or was it Lebron is good enough to win 66 games, but it’s his fault that they lost in the conference finals? That’s pretty rough, and quite a paradox.

In this year's playoffs, James was in essence, gift wrapped a trip to the finals. Home-court advantage throughout, a Kevin garnett-less Celtics, an Orlando Magic team sans their starting point guard, a matchup with an expectedly tired Lakers team that had to battle in every playoff series in the western conference (quick finals prediction Lakers in 5)… and still couldn’t get it done. Still… haven’t won a thing.

The team was good enough to earn James this situation; you deserve a gift-wrapped road when you win 66 games in one season. But still, somehow, it’s not King James’s fault the road ended earlier than expected.

What improvements are left to make? The Cavs are a team of shooters built around Lebron James. What else can you do? Would another post player clog up the lane for James’s drives? Didn’t Mo Williams get elected to the all-star game? No matter who Cleveland adds to the lineup, won’t the gameplan still be give it to Lebron and see what happens? And hasn’t that, for the sixth year in a row, proven to be a failed system?

At what point is this guy going to deserve any criticism at all? Think about how many players in the NBA could have gotten away with how James acted after the game. Ron Artest? Ha! Carmelo Anthony? Questions of his maturity would probably arise...again. I feel even Kobe Bryant would have been skewered had the Nuggets taken them down, and Kobe ran away and pouted like a punk.

He is NOT Jordan. It is because he chooses to practice his half court shot, over his mid-range jumpshot that he’s not Jordan. It’s because he does more calling into studios to talk about game winning shots than actually making them that he’s not Jordan. It’s because he chooses to wear number 23 instead of something his own, that he’ll never be Jordan.

When it comes down to it, James’s post game sums up how full of himself he is, and how he can get away with it. Bypassing his opponents and his homeboys in the media says loud and clear that he thinks… “hey, they didn’t beat me… it ain’t my fault.”

At some point it has to be your fault. Most Valuable Pretender.

Countdown: 1 - more season to for Cleveland to win a championship before Lebron James ships to New York.

The Ghosts of Nuggets Past, Present, and Future

2009-05-15T10:06:00.000-07:00

George Karl before the 2008-2009 NBA campaign:

George Karl: “Look, Larry, I know this may seem a little sudden… we
did just trade away the defensive player of the year for cash considerations, AI looks kinda washed-up, and lord knows my frontcourt can’t play more than 20 games without tearing a labia… but I’ve given it a lot of thought: You’re the thing I’ve been waiting for my whole life, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.”

(holds up hand)

“… PLEASE!... let me finish…
I’m crazy about you. I’ve never felt this way about anything. You make it so easy for me to tell you my innermost desires. (chuckles) Listen to me! I feel like a schoolboy again!.... a schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you.”

(Larry O’Brien trophy walks in from the bathroom)

NBA championship Larry O’Brien trophy: “were you talking to someone?”

(George Karl nervously laughs)

George Karl: “Larry?... I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy…”

NBA championship Larry O’Brien trophy: “…Maybe I should be going now…”

George Karl: “No, no… that’s not what I meant. I meant… I really like you, Larry. I like
you a lot.”

“I’m gonna ask you something flat out, and I want you to answer me
honestly: what do you think the chances are of a girl like me, and a guy like you ending up together?”

NBA championship Larry O’Brien trophy: “that’s difficult to say. I mean we hardly—

George Karl: “come on, I asked you to be honest Larry, I broke off an all-night binge
drinking session with Don Nelson and two asian hookers to come see you, the least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?”

NBA championship Larry O’Brien trophy: “not good.”

George Karl: “you mean not good, like… one out of a hundred?”

NBA championship Larry O’Brien trophy: “I’d say more like one out of a million…”

(wait for it)

(wait for it)

(wait for it!)

(WAIT FOR IT!!)

George Karl: “…. So you’re telling me there’s a Chauncey….”

(HOO!)

Yeah… the nuggets got a Chauncey… they got a Chauncey to win it all.

Hold up though, let’s not get carried away. Take a step back, Nugget and non-nugget fan alike, and look how far them Nugs have come. Times of success too often force us to look to the future, without acknowledging the past, and blinding us from the present.

It is the past that separates Nuggets fan from most every other fan in the NBA. It is the past that keeps them hungry, it is the past that makes them human. It is in the past where Nuggets fans have learned the patience of Mother Theresa, the tolerance of the good Dr. King, and the endurance and perseverance of one of those freaky Kenyan Olympians.

Oh the horrors you have seen Nuggets fan. 24 years since the last appearance into the Western Conference finals. I wasn’t even an idea yet. Bill Hanzlik was a professional athlete, that’s how long ago that is…. (serious question: how does Bill Hanzlik still have employment? He can’t even look at the camera for more than 30 seconds without checking his ‘notes.’ What ‘notes’ do you have? How hard is it to memorize Carmelo’s stat-line? What are you even looking at? Why are you still stuttering? You’ve been doing this for 10 damn years and you’re as nervous as a nazi on judgment day. I’m just sayin’ I know there’s someone out there, anywhere, who could do a better job… like this chair that I’m sitting on, or maybe that broomstick in the corner… that broomstick’s got charisma) …. The nugget fan has seen heroes English, Dikembe, and Antonio never get over the hump. The nugget fan has endured the pains of keith van horn…and Nikoloz … motherfuckin…Tskitishvili.

(typically this is where I would go off on a tangent about Tskitishvili and the chump gm who brought him in.. you know who you are. How the nuggets passed on Amare Stoudamire, how it set the franchise back years, how the only thing the nuggets got out of him was eduardo najera… who I hate… but of course I’m over it. No tangent necessary…)

It is the past, that also allows nugget fan to truly enjoy the present. Think about how far we’ve come. George Karl is wearing a tie. We actually know what Stan Kroenke looks like. (I always thought he was the banker from deal or no deal) Nugget fan is watching basketball after May 1st. Nugget OPPONENTS are complaining about officiating. The Nuggets have an altitude advantage all of a sudden. There’s a nugget bandwagon? The LAKERS are the emotionally unstable team in the playoffs.

It’s the smaller things in life one should really appreciate. The laughter of a child, smile of a girlfriend, a parents’ pride, Mark ‘more like Haitian’ Cuban pushing a camera man, birdman sending weak ass shit into the first row. It was not too long ago when Tim Duncan was going entire playoff games without earning a foul, when Kenyon wanted to go fisticuffs with George Karl, when Carmelo Anthony and company ‘quit.’

Slap Hands! I like you!

And because of all this, we can now look to the future. George Karl will make sweet sweet love to that trophy. If not this year, then next. Even the casual NBA fan can see the power change happening in the league. Boston was a one hit wonder of old guys tryin to make it one last time; like velvet revolver, audioslave, and the latest ozzy osbourne band. The Spurs are too old, and the Pistons don’t have Chauncey anymore.

Who wins championships? Teams do. And who is the best TEAM right now? The Nuggets. When I say “team,” this is what I mean; if an opponent is able to take away your main offensive option… say… LeBron James, do you have the resources available to find another way to win? I’ve seen Carmelo semi-neutralized in game 4 of the hornets-Nuggets series, and NeNe and Chauncey took over. I’ve seen Chauncey held to 6 points a couple turnovers and 2 assists, and Carmelo and JR Smith took over. I’ve seen Carmelo, Chauncey, NeNe, and Kenyon struggle to score any points at all, only to have JR Smith, Birdman, and Anthony Carter each reach double digit scoring totals to win the game.

The forward-thinking side of me foresees a potential spurs-like dynasty. Because when you look at it, the Nugs are a younger and more athletic spurs. The forward-thinking side of me foresees Denver becoming a basketball town (the Broncos sucking will help that out). The forward-thinking side of me foresees the new great championship rivalry as LeBron v. Melo. Luckily, my forward-thinking side is my good side.

The point is, Furious George and the Nuggets wouldn’t be where they are today, just as Nugget fan wouldn’t be as passionate today, if it wasn’t for the trials and tribulations of the past. When a franchise has never won anything, how does it know how to win? It learned that you need a complete team, starters to bench, to be a good team. It learned that having multiple ball-hogging superstars on the court at the same time doesn’t win in the playoffs. It learned not to draft European foreign players. It still hasn’t learned that Bill Hanzlik keeps Altitude Sports and Entertainment JV. But, it truly learned that stalwart defense foremost, with touch of dominating offense…wins championships.

Look, I’m not sayin’ everything I’ve said is a lock to happen… I’m just tellin’ you there’s a Chauncey.

*note: Nancy Pelosi said she didn't "know" about CIA interrogation tactics until 2003, just like A-Rod only took steroids from 2001-2003. I believe both of them for sure... Awaiting the Pelosi-Madonna sex scandal to be exposed in the near future.

free jay cutler

2009-03-19T10:06:00.000-07:00

Did I miss something, or is jay culter a franchise quarterback? It really isn’t a question, it’s a fact. The only reason I state it in the form of a question, is that it seems the overall sentiment is that cutler is being a whiny bitch; that he should just shut up and play football for the millions he’s being paid. That he hasn’t accomplished anything so he has no right to be doing this. That football is a business, so he should learn to deal with it. This is why the broncos organization, and its fans, suck.

I know it’s a generalization, stereotypical dissenting bronco fan and cutler supporter, but it’s the same as saying black people are more athletic than white people, that men are stronger than women. Some white people are more athletic than some black people… and then there’s the nba. Some women are stronger than some men… and then there’s the wnba. ‘nuff said. The most of you, and the organization, aren’t defending your only good player without a criminal record, which makes you either a) dumb or b) arrogant, and both are sucky attributes.

So I, a man who dislikes the broncos and would enjoy nothing more than to bathe in the tears of their failures, would like to rebut on behalf of jay cutler.

It really all comes back to pat bowlen and the organization’s misunderstanding of their situation. Whether anyone wants to admit it, the broncos weren’t a good team last year, they were a rebuilding project, no one expected them to make the playoffs, so stop it. At one point, the starting running back was white. (I don’t want to hear how good peyton hillis is, he doesn’t play a down at tailback on any other team in the league. Believe that. If you don’t, kindly remove yourself from the gene pool by trying to hug the next oncoming bus, we need more common sense in this world.) The point is, Cutler was sent out week after week with a relatively new offensive line, a white runningback, a t-mobile phone salesman, a defense about as tough as paper mache, and a pretty good receiver who enjoys getting suspended so he has more time to play “smack the bitch;” and still ended up as the number 2 ranked offense in the nfl.

And people call this guy overrated? People ask what he’s done? How bout going to the pro-bowl with the trash that surrounds him. How bout obliterating the lord and savior john elway’s franchise single season passing record. Yes, the donkeys hilariously choked a 3 game cushion to miss the playoffs, and this is where the arrogance of the organization comes in; it’s not like the broncs were the Dallas Cowboys. The hands down most talented football team on paper. That’s a team you need to blow up, that’s a team that underachieved, that’s a team where you can point to the quarterback and say, “we lost because of you.”

But apparently broncos nation doesn’t see it that way. I honestly don’t get it. The defense was downright insulting, so bring in an offensive coordinator? And further, a patriot?!? I thought you stood for something! You’re supposed to hate the pats! When has it ever been a good idea to bring in a belichik assistant anyway? Last time I checked romeo crennel doesn’t have a job, Charlie “the fat man” weiss is driving notre dame into the ground (thought: funny how cutler has diabetes and Charlie weiss does not), and mangini got fired, am I missing anyone? Has anyone been successful? But the only question anyone asks is, what has cutler done? My question is, what has mcdaniels done?

I’ll tell you what he’s done, created a rift between his best and most important player and himself. It seems to me it’s an early look at a 32 year old coach with no experience who doesn’t know what he’s doing. Big mac (mcdaniels= mcdonalds = big mac… I think this works on multiple levels. Both are cheap, fill a void, leave you thinking “that probably wasn’t a good idea,” special sauce? I dunno ask belichik.) anyway, big mac was only willing to trade cutler for career backup matt cassel. I would like to repeat that. Big mac was only willing to trade cutler for career backup matt cassel. When asked if they would trade him for draft picks (something that would make sense if you’re rebuilding a team) he said no, it was only for cassel. Sounds like cronyism to me. And it says to cutler, I don’t think you’re good enough to build around. And yet, the criticism goes to cutler. Craziness.

Put yourself in cutler’s situation. From the moment you were drafted, the team around you has gotten steadily worse. Your owner fires a coach that you trust, and promises the offensive staff remains in tact, which it doesn’t. Now your new boss comes in and instead of getting that team around you better, he wants someone better than you. And after all you’ve had to put up with you’re cool with this? cutler’s competitiveness is being misunderstood as “whining.” The guy knows he’s good, and wants to win, and doesn’t see that happening in an organization that doesn’t have a clue. The fact is, how many jay cutlers are there in the nfl? That is, pro-bowl quarterbacks under the age of 26? Ummmm, matt ryan, aaaannnd, oh yeah jay cutler, aaaannd.. no one else.

Oh shut up, it’s a business!!

If it was a real business, employees (players) would get to chose where they play, nothing about a draft is business like. On the contrary, it is the broncos to which this phrase applies. Jay Cutler is proudly raising his middle finger at the broncs and saying, “sorry, you messed with me, now it’s a business.”

When it comes down to it, I just don’t see how cutler is being the “bitch” in this situation. Eli manning was a bitch when he refused to play for san diego for no good reason. Cutler wisely observes the organization nose-diving at mach 5, meanwhile career backup matt cassel is getting paid more than him (meaning the broncos would have to pay more for him), so why not just bail?

We are coming to a transition period in the nfl. The Manning-Brady-Favre era will eventually come to an end. The next era is coming, so far it’s the Roethlisberger-(blank) era. Who comes out of the cutler-romo-manning the lesser-ryan-rivers group and becomes big time. My vote goes to cutler or ryan, crazy how one of the two is unwanted.

Somewhere, somehow, the broncos forgot what it takes to win a ship. Elway needed TD before he could win a couple. Great players need other great players to win. Now that I think about it, maybe they just got lucky those two times, I mean they never gave him a big time runningback before, and finally lucked out with TD. When its all said and done, the broncos will NOT get any better by getting rid of cutler. bring in mike vick or cassel or draft some clown if you want. have fun with it

All I can do now is pray; pray that jay lasts one more year in a broncos uniform, becomes the fall guy again, and reunites with shanahan in dallas in 2010. Cutler belongs in a cowboys uniform. Leader, outspoken, prototype pocket passer. I would kill a man for a romo-cutler trade straight up. All it would take is romo “gunslinging” a ball into double coverage in December for broncos nation to realize how good they had it. On second thought… peyton hillis as 2009 starting broncos runningback!

lbj = leblack jesus?

2009-03-04T08:48:00.000-08:00

"I don't need too much. Glamour and all that stuff don't excite me. I am just glad I have the game of basketball in my life." - Lebron James, savior of Cleveland Basketball

Lebron James...the “King” James…. “The Chosen One.” Jesus is black, and he was born in Akron, Ohio. The amazing bit of irony that we all seem to overlook, is that he really hasn’t done anything to merit this anointing. I mean, I guess if you call lighting up the Knicks for a triple-double (allegedly), turning water into wine…winning a gold medal with the United States vs. Pau Gasol, resurrecting from the dead on the third day…

Fact is, the only reason we see him as the greatest, is because we say he is the greatest. Take a moment to reflect. Right now, who is more famous the Lebron James? At 6’8” 250lbs, he is arguably the best pound for pound athlete in the world. Women want him, men want to be him. Referees prematurely blow their whistle load if he’s within 20 feet of the hoop. Sportscasters spend wasted hours coming up with clever Lebron-isms. And yet, I can’t figure out what he has done to garner such reckless worship. Which is why he will be referred to by his last name, just like any other NBA player, from now on. Lets do a little work.

2004: “The Chosen One” wins NBA rookie of the year, finished with 20.9 pts. 5.5 rebounds, 5.9 assists per game. Team finishes 35-47, does not make the playoffs.

NBA ROY runner-up: Carmelo Anthony. Finishes with 21 points, 6.1 rebounds, and 2.8 assists per game. Team finishes 43-39, good enough to make the playoffs and mark the largest single season record turnaround in NBA history. (+26 games)

I didn’t know assists counted so much. Now this is not saying that Carmelo Anthony is better than Lebron James, even though that’s exactly what it’s saying. What I am providing you with, is the first example of unearned recognition given to the “king”. Wait what? Carmelo had a better team? James had Carlos Boozer on the team that year. And further, they played in the L“eastern” conference where a team can go sub- .500 and make the playoffs. And even further, LARGEST SINGLE SEASON RECORD TURNAROUND IN NBA HISTORY. On paper, ‘Melo and the king are pretty much identical. Their age is separated by one year, making what James did at 18 not much different from what Melo did at 19. What you can say, is that in this particular situation, one player made his team better than another player who made his team better, and that doesn’t matter. Which leads me to my next point.

Allen Iverson has taken his fair share of criticism. Especially lately. The question everyone is asking, or should be asking, is whether AI’s style of play is conducive to a championship basketball team. History, it would seem, gives a deafening “no.” To which I inquire, what is the difference between AI and lebron’s game? Personally, I see no difference. Check the stats. I’d throw the data into Excel and do a little regression analysis for you but all it would say is that james is 8 inches taller than Iverson, and because of that, he plays small forward, and because of that, he averages more rebounds. And yet, Iverson is seen as the ultimate “me” player, and you would be hard pressed to find anyone who will say he will retire with a championship. Meanwhile, it’s assumed James will be the greatest of all time. The point is, James plays with a similar style and attitude as Iverson. They are feared scorers because either of them can get to the cup whenever they want, then the jump shot opens up, and when you’re taking 30+ shots a game, you might catch fire; and here comes 50. Anyone watching the game or looking at their numbers should be able to see it. But because he’s everyone’s wet dream, and hasn’t allegedly killed a bitch, gotten a DUI, or been photographed ripping a bong, these issues are pushed under the rug. So we can look at the same type of player and say to player A; “we respect how hard you play, but your game is selfish, and you’ll never win a title.” And we can say to player B; “ya know… I give great head.”

If you have a reading comprehension equivalent to that of a five year old, you might be able to pick up on a writer’s bias. And congratulations super sleuth, you’d be correct. I do not like Lebron James. I do not like him in a box, I do not like him with a fox, I do not like him here or there, I do not like Lebron James anywhere. But I don’t think it’s his fault. It’s your fault. They say perception is reality. I say that’s bullshit. Generally speaking, isn’t that why everything is fucked right now? Homeboy doesn’t earn enough to pay his debts, but we give him a loan and call him a homeowner. The closest james has gotten to a ship is a four game nationally televised punking at the hands of the Spurs, but we call him the king. But he is the ultimate sports cliché, so he eats it up. So everyone is cool with James shipping out to a “big market,” in New York or Brooklyn, without any good reason. Forget about how the Cavs have tried their darndest to give him everything he wanted, how he is from Ohio, how he would probably join a team no more talented than the one he is on. Forget loyalty, humility, respect for the game, all things sports movies drill into our heads as athletic “take-a-way points.” King gets what king wants.

"In the next 15 or 20 years, I hope I'll be the richest man in the world. That's one of my goals. I want to be a billionaire. I want to get to a position where generation on generation don't have to worry about nothing. I don't want family members from my kids to my son's kids to never have to worry. And I can't do that now just playing basketball." – black jesus in a 60 minutes interview.

Nope. You can’t. you’ll have to rape and pillage basketball in Cleveland, and whore yourself out to any ad campaign that comes your way. (aside: can anyone explain to me the lebron james state farm commercial? Who are these two chumps with him, who’s cd is that actually, why is ‘bron ‘bron dancing?) Look, I’ve got nothing wrong with making lots and lots of money. But it’s the principle of the matter. At what point is it ok to sacrifice the spirit of competition for your own financial gains?... and be celebrated for it. At what point do you become nothing more than a sports cliché? He wont bail because he wants to win a championship, he’ll bail for the sake of pushing his own brand. Selfish on the court, selfish off the court.

When its all said and done, I think James is a really good player. I mean real good. Hes a badass. But I also think that the NBA is a league that has proven over and over that the best TEAMs win championships, not individual players. Together Everyone Acheives More… remember that kids. James plays for the Cleveland Lebrons. If he moves, he’ll play for the new york Lebrons. Hes your scorer, rebounder, point guard. When your team is dependant on one player, you don’t win. That’s why James wins maybe one or two championships; not matching whatever Kobe ends up with, or sniffing his highness air-Jordan’s six. Dan Marino had some of the greatest stats in the history of the game… and never won a thing… do we call him the greatest of all time? All I’m asking for is for him to conquer something. All I’m asking for is for him to earn his title. And maybe I’m completely wrong. But until then, he ain’t my king.

i don't blog... i weblog

2009-03-04T08:46:00.000-08:00

by the encouragement of a few friends, increasing boredom, and lack of self-worth i've decided to post my sports related thoughts on this website. i acknowledge the implied arrogance that comes from starting this, that is to say, thinking that people actually care about my opinions. but i also acknowledge that you all have facebooks, myspace pages, eharmonys, so the implied arrogance is shared. what really chaps my ass is the constant east-coast or west-coast biases you hear or read. also adhering to grammatical rules. i say out with the old-hag approach to sports fanship. i believe the modern-fan likes teams that may vary outside of geographical regions. i believe the term "small market team" is used in a condescending way. i like my athletes with drug habits, DUIs and personalities. because they are people, and just because we watch them play on tv, doesn't make them any more a "role model" than your dad that has a couple drinks and drives home. michael phelps is better now because he whooped the world's ass and smokes weed. real sports fans like american football and the world's football. i enjoy the mental sweat that comes from a lively debate, argument is more fun than agreement. i'm not expecting anything, just tryin to have a good time.