A Mother Always (Being Me)

Sorting out Loose ends...

2012-02-08T15:24:00.000+01:00

Unfortunately until I am able to sell this house and move out with the kids, I will not see the back of my ex. My youngest grows impatient waiting for the move. There are a few hurdles to get over and I will have to use the courts again to clear the sale should my ex create more delays and thwart the orders, in the process.

I am advised to push through and I will.

The biggest part is over, I know I can do what needs to be done next. It's a lot of planning and formulating and meeting with the banks and looking at new homes.

Because of the appeal I believe my ex intends to put through, I still am wary although I'm told not to worry. I've seen his actions translate to whining in the past 6 months on paper and while I'm closer to understanding how the courts read this, I am still going to be paranoid as long as he is under the same roof and looking over our shoulders for the slightest incident to twist and spin.

He is still going to try his damndest to be a thorn in my side but I am going to use the courts and the police for the slightest reason that he gives me to ensure he understands I am standing my ground and that he does not intimidate me any longer.

If you have included me in your prayers, please continue cos it 's not over and peace is the goal for all of us and I thank you.

Finally done....

2012-02-01T16:17:00.002+01:00

I thank God that it is over . The kids stay with me for the most part although of course there are the alternate weekends.
I can move forward on getting a new home, what a relief. The property sale will take at least a few months to settle but at least we are moving.

Most of it is in my favour. So of course the ex is not happy and he claims he will appeal.

Somehow I am less worried about it, because if he intends to display the same insane behaviour, he's not going to make any progress but rather work against himself.

There are complications as to how I going to tackle the settlements but one step at a time, but I'll weather it. It all depends on his cooperation or otherwise if he hopes to delay because of his appeal. I'll just have to use the judicial system to push it.

Thank you Lord, I can finally move forward.

Just thinking .............

2012-01-28T02:54:00.000+01:00

I wrote Keep It Together more than a year ago and as I re-read it I think to myself 'thank God that I have'.

There has been little fair play on the X's part, creating storms of paranoia blowing hot and cold and I have weathered them all thus far. Will he continue? I'll have to wait and see.

Faith has grown deep and my prayer is no longer a wail. And as I wait the final day I feel a sense of sorrow, not panic (not yet) over all that has gone, all that has been invested, these past 20 years.
There is a change in the children too, a kind of strength that is mature and yet sometimes falters.
But it is more present than it used to be.

Time does heal all wounds in time or at least eases the pain.

What does it really mean for them, is still hard to define.
I wait to move forward.

Time to do and think

2012-01-24T06:49:00.001+01:00

It's the Chinese New Year holiday, and while I am not Chinese, I enjoy these holidays because it's the only time when it's a two days public holiday and this year it means a good long 4 day weekend.

I get one day to relax, the last day that is and the rest of it to spend with the kids and the family. At the back of my mind, I am consciously counting the days (7..) to the final court day.

I'm keeping myself busy, planning my son's birthday that's coming up next week and occupying myself and them with extra language exercises that they need. The boys unfortunately have a hard time getting into reading books of any kind. They've both got two years to prepare for major exams one for PSLE(to secondary) and one for the O levels. I'm trying out other methods to boost their vocabulary if I can't force the reading.

An interesting nugget from M Scott Peck's "Road Less Travelled' -
Love is not simply giving; it is judicious giving and judicious withholding as well. I it judicious praising and judicious criticizing. It is judicious arguing, struggling, confronting, urging, pushing and pulling in addition to comforting..................requires thoughtful and often painful decisionmaking.

Loving my daughter the best way I know how...

2012-01-16T16:36:00.002+01:00

The new year has brought with it changes and new experiences and more to come.

I have been nudging my teenage girl to venture out on her own as in getting out into the world of adults and interacting whether it be voluntary work with the SPCA or getting a part time job during the academic breaks. Relevant experience ? Well that's a side benefit but more importantly is the experience of responsibility, interaction and of the unknown that is non-academic and non-familial.

Sometimes I think it's easy to fall into lethargy, Finally she's started to get into it and getting at it.

Not quite an introvert yet not an extrovert either, I feel she needs to push her boundaries and get out of her very comfortable zones She needs to less fearful of trying, sometimes I think she needs to live a little more than she is compared with other teenagers.
Is it a consequence of her nature or a consequence of the family situation that has unfolded, I honestly cannot say, but I do want the best for her and she needs to take those steps for herself.

If there is the opportunity for her to go further away to study, she'll need that experience and some courage for independence.
I suppose I'm trying to ensure she will not have some of the regrets I have over how I lived or was allowed to live my younger years.

Welcoming the new..

2012-01-02T15:31:00.000+01:00

I'm glad 2011 is over, I would not want to relive it again ever.

I'm looking forward to moving away from the old and tired feelings and thoughts. Christmas and the New Year's eve went by with lots of hugs and greetings and it was 85% peaceful, what more can I ask for.

I'm looking forward to what's to come, lots of challenges but then what does one expect when one is beginning anew. A month more to go before the evil X is out of my hair. I can only pray there are no more surprises.

Here's one new area of interest I started on lately, it's got to do with crystals - vibrations, cleansing energy, healing and so on.... . It's all natural, nothing 'woo hoo' about it or supernatural. It's not about diamonds or expensive stones: no in fact, many are not that rare and they don't have to b polished to be effective.

A friend had introduced me to the use of certain stones (black tourmaline, Amethyst) which I took on based on my friendship with her. Initially, she did not explain what they were for but merely asked me to place them near me or in certain places and observe and be aware.

I realized I felt less of those feelings of of fatigue. There used to be a sense of knowing and yet not doing or forestalling and even a sleeping sort of wakefulness but since then I have regained a greater sense of alertness particularly in the house and less of the sluggishness which seems to dog me when I am in the house. I began to understand what my friend was telling me without telling me.
I went to do some research.

All this time I put it down to hormones or age or just work fatigue. So maybe there' is a lot more in the environment around me than my naive mind is willing to consider.

The use of crystals in healing and for protection is grounded in the energy and vibration of the natural earth and it's not a religious concept. So I'm looking at it this way, prayer and faith are weapons but perhaps for my part I can help this battle on another front with the help of natural aids to enhance protection or block the bad energy.
I'm experimenting, and still reading up on this, it's fun and interesting. There is no harm to come from it, if anything there will be positive contribution.

A bountiful 2012 to all, wishing all love and peace.

A new Christmas feeling...

2011-12-23T09:41:00.002+01:00

The chaos within me has abated, I am adapting and learning to deal with the conflicts and the anxiety of having my children's time monopolized and manipulated by my ex. The kids are old enough, they make their own choices. The final decisions will not be made for another month and a half and I am abiding my time.. I have stopped being and feeling defensive to my ex's whining (through his lawyer). The main thing I focus on is what is in the child's interest. I'll do what I need to do then, if it's not.

Now and then, the anger leaks in and I have a momentary lapse of wanting to lash out but it's under control. I've put him and his shenanigans out of my mind. After this year, I have come to realise I depend on him for nothing that is necessary.

Patience, humility, tolerance .. these run top of mind and that seems to help alot but forgiveness, that's not possible yet. I trust that truth will win out.

This Christmas is a new beginning for me. More than ever, I appreciate the family I have and the love that we share and I am grateful to God for his many blessings and lessons.

I wish all bloggers and readers a beautiful Christmas peace and a good New Year ahead.

A Self reflection; learning to live honestly

2011-11-15T02:28:00.001+01:00

The last quarter always sees more family occasions. I realize recently that my attitude to attending events that bring me in closer contact with relatives has changed and for the better – I'm less apprehensive and less calculating in my thoughts of what might be asked and how I might respond where my ex is concerned.

They must have noticed his absence from social functions for many years now. Not strange then, they have stopped asking me about it or him.

I feel more open in my thoughts, there is less or hardly that sense of being imperfect or defensiveness that I used to ‘arm ‘ myself with when going to these family affairs.

I suppose it would be called coming to terms with what has always been and what it will be and what it actually is today.

I want to be the person in charge of me again.

Who am I or was I trying to satisfy, why pretend?

Society is not perfect and as I sat in the living room of my brother's in-laws and the families a couple of weeks ago, I thought, everyone has issues, I don't judge them, why should they judge me.

Why do we love ourselves less and not see our weakness as our humanness that is forgivable by God and yet not by ourselves? Do we set higher standards for being who we should be?

Waiting for Joy

2011-11-02T05:18:00.000+01:00

It's been an exhausting few weeks, mentally more than anything.
I can't wait for everything to be over and to have my X out of my face. It will be soon, looking forward to the joy of living. The children are impatient too but I think they are handling it better than I am. In fact they play the 'game' quite well. They seem almost stoic about their father's behaviour, which is escalating in terms of the show of power and aggression. They do not want me confronting him. I have to wait it out.
He thinks he's winning, well he can have his illusion.

-------------------------------------------

My latest diversion is reading Eric Fromm, it's seriously tough text to follow but here and there there is light on particular subjects of interest. Here's something I want to remember particularly from his discussion....I keep trying to imagine how and what it would be/feel like in this ultimate situation of true Joy.

Eric Fromm writes about the difference between joy and pleasure and that what God wants for us is Joy as a virtue of living in the mode of being. Pleasure is transient, momentary and a product of possessions and the need to have.

Master Eckhart's thinking interprets it such.."When God laughs at the soul and the soul laughs back at God, the persons of the Trinity are begotten..
...when the Father laughs to the son and the son laughs back to the Father, that laughter gives pleasure, that pleasure gives joy, that joy gives love and love gives the persons [of the Trinity] of which the Holy Spirit is one. .................
Joy, then, is what we experience in the process of growing nearer to the goal of becoming oneself"

Why did I not get out?

2011-10-20T17:29:00.002+02:00

I was waiting for a miracle. I prayed for help, a way. I suppose in the deepest deepest part of my mind I had this everlasting hope.

choppy waters, rocks aplenty...

But my prayers were not to be answered so easily or too soon. The abuse, the narcissistic behaviour began a long time ago and I suppose another reason for hanging on was the hope that he would mature and change.

But that was not to be even as I carried my first child. I was treated no better or differently. But still I hung on. I am Catholic and as much as I think myself a grade B- quality type of Catholic, deep down my faith mattered , my vows mattered, the sacrament mattered. It would not be right for the kids. So I held on. Was it cowardly?

Imagine having to hold your breathe on your partner's reactions/response to soup that comes out of a familiar can; because that taste too is your responsibility. 90% of the time, nothing is good enough or well done or right ..
I didn't make it worse, I took on the meek role and stayed in the silence which grew longer and longer each time, but I couldn't make it better. Maybe if I kept the peace long enough, he would see?

After the third child, he didn't change for the better, he got more arrogant and his self-esteem did not improve with respect to me, more tyrannical, using the silent treatment permanently on me as his means for punishment and his physical temper emerged more and more frequently. Sometimes I think he has a brain disease. And still I did not think of getting out. I prayed for wisdom too.

I got the courage to take out the protection order, not for myself but for the kids. When I think back I can't recall what pushed me to take those steps, did I plan did I think it through....
Hoping again that he would see (reality) what he had to do (a chance to try to hold this family together) and consequently would shake him and make him realize he needed help and advise for his behavior that was not right; that he would then attempt to salvage us all as a family unit. But that didn't happen. I once said that hope can be bad thing, this is what I meant.

And so I wondered then what was the answer, I got up the courage to take ONE step, was it up to me to take the next and last resort, to break the vows, was that the way ?

But that was not. In the end, it was he who did it. Why at this time, I can't figure?

But this seems to be that final answer to my problem and repeated prayer.

There are several thoughts that come to mind as I surmise what has passed:
I was meant to have three kids and not stop at one
There is a purpose for their being.
I was meant to take that extra journey of suffering, it made me stronger and to become a different person from the one who started out. My faith is stronger.
I have come to appreciate what normal means in most human natures - my tolerance is that much more for the range of human temperaments as nothing comes remotely close to the evil nature of my ex whom I have had to survive with all these years.
Perhaps this is where fate is meant to take me.
This is where his guiding spirit led me. God does not intervene until you give him permission and so he couldn't give me the miracle I asked for.

Strangely calm

2011-10-17T16:30:00.001+02:00

Whether it's trust in God or just the belief that there is little more I can do, I realize I have been less anxious and less paranoid over the current events and situation. It's like I have decided I have to leave it in the hands of the high court and know that it will turn out for the best. I hope it's faith.

My ex has been filling my middle child's head with lies, intimidating the youngest with his growling and sarcasm and pressing for the sale of the house through the lawyers. He is attempting to solve his own problem where the property issues are concerned by addressing half of the ancillary issue to his own benefit without a solution to my own housing issue. While he flings words such as 'putting me on notice' and the 'uncertain property market' prices etc etc there is nothing for it but to wait for the high court to settle it all that includes my issues.

He is either dense or stupid or just plain selfish if he thinks I will give in and put myself at a disadvantage just to take advantage of property prices ! I feel the storm building around him. He rails at some poor victim over the phone from time to time, I think it's his mother (poor woman),I feels sorry for her, but I am glad he can no longer take out his frustration on me or the kids.

I think he is desperate financially, since he's been attempting to stay in the country to show the court he can work from here rather than have to stay overseas where he has been operating his business for the most part of the last few years.

I know where the kids stand, I hope it's the same place that the court stands.

Gift to Frens

2011-10-08T08:43:00.000+02:00

May the love and warmth of friendship
fuel our being,
our hearts and mind cherish,
every moment of our living;
what all, we bring together
in our meetings, our crafts, our sharing,
in the peace of our laughter
and in the knowing of each other,
We strive
to keep our souls alive .

- HA

Worried, I can't help it.

2011-10-03T16:48:00.001+02:00

Can anyone really understand our situation unless they have been in one like it or faced a scheming narcissist such as my ex. I am worried about the interview with the family court counselor. Will she ask the right questions and will she interpret the answers correctly. Does she understand the context of the situation the kids have lived under for the past many years. Will she get the true picture?

The next 3 weeks are going to be heavy with anxiety.

I pray it will all work out satisfactorily.

Wednesday Solitude: Working on defects

2011-09-28T17:16:00.000+02:00

There were two reflections that stayed stuck to me this past week and seemed to follow me, entering my mind at the oddest times and places.

I have been worrying additionally as events are coming to a head soon, I suppose one leads to the other....

1. A reflection from the 25th week Friday encourages us to be more present, to make good use of the time that is now and not think about yesterday or worry about tomorrow. Essentially offer only the present moment to God and fill it with your worth.

Mat 6:34 "Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day"

Ecc 11:4 "He who observes the wind will not sow; and he who regards the clouds will not reap"

2. In a reflection of 26th week Tuesday reading, I am reminded of CS Lewis's Screwtape's letters, in that our defects are our weakest points through which temptation enters.

The apostles themselves I am reminded were not perfect and Christ was patient and taught them. I am encouraged.

Somewhere in the reflection it goes "progress in our life of piety depends a good deal on our recognition and understanding of our dominant defect. This is the defect which has the biggest influence on our behaviour and thinking."

So it's not the same for you and me, I will have to find my own path to holiness by working on that defect and strengthening the interior life.

Is the World spinning faster ?

2011-09-26T04:13:00.003+02:00

Where did the time go? In a blink, I can't believe it.

Only a quarter of the year to go, September is soon ending.

While I walked was I unconscious

through months, days, hours, only to realize I'm here now.

I still recall the beginning of the year

thinking 'it's going to be a long year'

and yet here I am now.

Work and kids are consuming but Troubles are too,

that's where Time went flying, into a black hole of distraction.

Can I slow it down?

But then it has not been a good year, so let it fly, next year will be better.

I'll have to attempt to be more present.

When I think back, read what is written, lived through, had created along that way,

I am quite glad; there are fruits and flowers, it's not all barren or sad.

There are footprints too, not mine alone.
Where did time go?

Wrestling with deeper thoughts

2011-09-20T04:51:00.002+02:00

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew. - Saint Francis de Sales

Off and on I think..... what did I do to deserve this kind of torment. How naive I was to have married such a monster and lived with him for so many years. Was I that wrapped up in work? Did I so successfully ignore the harsh reality that I survived it all this while and continued to do just that 'survive' instead of being 'alive'.

The wake up call to 'un-zombify' came in two hard knocks (think this is what they mean by God shaking the earth under you). One was my retrenchment from an all absorbing job and the other was the increased sociopathic behaviour of the ex. There was an increasing obsession with 'discipline' and a corresponding suffering of the kids which my senses began to grow increasingly troubled with. Did one lead to the other or did my change of situation lead to the blunt awareness.

... this keeps on circling in my thoughts...

I have never thought of myself as a perfect mother, and being a working one perhaps that had been my crutch. I have never been in the position to not have to work, and so now and then I have these feelings of regret and wish I could go back in time to capture more memories with my kids.

The kids have more because of it on one hand but less of me in other ways. It is my loss.
But then now I am stronger for it too , and in my current situation I have to be grateful for how it had been. Because I know we can survive without him and that is one less insecurity I will face.
and so my internal arguments seem to face each other off.....

I believe that there must be a purpose for the kids, their being brought into this world. [Else if I had been a different person and taken a different path, they would not have come to be except perhaps one] God works in puzzling ways.

Am I making sense.. ...I believe the sum of who I am now is the result of where I have been. And so I am more able to take on and cope with what is happening now.

feelings of guilt and yet... a strong desire to move forward.....

It bugs me that I cannot carry all their burdens, I can try to anticipate to lighten it.

I pray for a little more perfection in the area of motherhood but most of all, I pray that my kids will come to understand it all when they are older and not judge me for the many things they probably will not recall or understand.

Is it because I am a mother that I demand more of myself or is it just me demanding more of me?

What sort of person would I have turned out to be were I not a mother?

Chimes in children's voices

2011-09-14T09:46:00.000+02:00

It's Sunday, and I usually take the dog for a walk in the evening and sit in the playground for a while, usually an hour before sunset. In the past months I have noticed, there are more young children, and from a number of nationalities. It's like a junior UN.

I enjoy this moment when I have it.

It's quite something to watch them interact. They may be strangers initially for about three minutes, but soon they are bosom buddies, screaming, yelling playing catch or hide and seek and chasing each other all over the park. They play together, falling in so easily, no matter the age difference or skin colour or their accents; the more the merrier. Unspoken rules yet they understand the child's world of play.

As I sit there listening, I find myself undisturbed and sooth; there is a sweetness in the voices, a freedom, ..not a care.I'm lulled into this nether world of innocence for a little while as I rest on a park bench amid plants and trees, lulled by voices like gentle chimes.

I wonder, is this an example of what Ericc Fromm tried to describe as the 'Shabbat institution' ( a Sunday rest).."rest in the sense of the re-establishment of complete harmony between human beings and between them and nature."

Managing tension? Add Faith...

2011-09-10T14:39:00.000+02:00

‘Hypertension’ the moment the doctor mentioned that my BP was approaching that level it has kept me thinking. Am I in a state of distress ?. Am I putting myself there?. I have always considered myself calm and patient and yet perhaps it’s being eroded by all the negative things going on in my life for the past year. I just realized it has been a year, since the actual proceedings began.

I’ve moved from acceptance to elation to worry.

Acceptance because I can finally get on with living and not the hollow shell I have been for so long, acceptance because this is where my prayers have led me and this must be the step, the only solution which I am grateful has been taken out of my hands.

Elation because of the liberation from the abusive environment and the hell of my ex’s ill-foreboding ever-presence. Worry over the mischief the ex is

Life - like a carnival

2011-09-05T03:39:00.006+02:00

Stepping into colours and sights,
sounds, smells, noise and wild movement.

Exhilaration and excitement unfurls,

where to begin, what to try, which to sample.

Slowly the atmosphere soaks in, we warm up,
the game stalls beckon,

look at those soft toys, a sigh, not easy, we move on.

Check out the carousel, how many rides,

just get on, let's not get off at all,

round and round, easy and breezy,

round and round, up and down,

Are we free, feels whimsical,

can we toss the worries,

can I stay forever on my white horse.

Cotton candy puffs and popcorn smells, let’s get some.

We’re done, it’s time to get the heart pumping.

Do we ride the roller coaster or the magic carpet?

Upside down or a real fast drop, what a choice, both or one.

We scream at the top of our lungs, breathing hard,

gripping the sides, knuckles straining out.

One more time, now with eyes open

we do it again, the speed demon takes over.

More exhilarated, eyes bright, minds giddy,

we rush on to the magic carpet.

Heart and stomach lost in transit, shot straight down,

we come out and down, happily dazed.

Looking up, there looms ahead a glittering Ferris wheel.

Slowly and steadily, it seems to call.

Let’s get to the top of the world.

Will we ever get there?

Another round, another shot at the top.

Slow and steady, in and out, we breathe in the clear air,
as we make our way.

Finally, we are back down to earth,

and it’s time to take leave.

Goodnight to lights, noise, smells and sights.

We're done now,
childhood, to youth, to grey.

(HA-8/11)

250th Post

2011-09-01T03:15:00.029+02:00

250 posts and crawling.. ... I celebrated 150 posts in October last year, somewhere along the way I hit 200 and didn't celebrate.

I'm still writing, and I am glad. It's been a trouble-filled first half of year for me and a trying one for the kids. My hobby time is seriously compromised and I'm aching to get back to it. But the kids and this drama are taking a toll.

Writing helps, taking my mind off and into other modes of thoughts helps to keep some form of balance ...to be objective and think about what is important. I have been going back over some of what I have written and there are many reminders and lessons that show that time heals different wounds.
In many of them, I seem to be talking to me!

I think a good posting average would be 1 a week, if I can keep up that is. I started in June 2009, so I think I'm doing OK.

http://mothersalways.blogspot.com/2010/03/stand-tall.html

Divorce Coach | A Narcissist Will Not Cease and Desist!

2011-08-29T03:38:00.002+02:00

I came across this blog through's Mandy's blog sincemydivorce.com.. and there's a picture close to my reality..I did marry a narcissist..This is what stresses me out, will he desist?

Divorce Coach | A Narcissist Will Not Cease and Desist!

That time of the month...

2011-08-25T10:08:00.000+02:00

This is a post that only women CAN understand. I haven't hit 50 yet, I keep thinking that instead of getting better during THAT time of the month, it feels worse. .. hormones !!!!
Today this is how I feel, my body feels like it has aged 20years or more and my eyes feel like my brain is squishing down on it and my joints feel stiff and sore (like I'm 90 though I have no idea how a 70 year old feels either). It's like overnight, someone took my body and replaced it with some old cranked up worn down body. That SUMS IT UP.

But thankfully usually and HOPEFULLY, it's over within a couple of days, but it's horrible when you can't take off and you have to sit in the office and work and smile like everything is normal, FINE and DANDY.

The primrose isn't helping.!

Fresh

2011-08-17T09:25:00.000+02:00

I stepped out this morning

the earth smelt fresh, washed,

very little was stirring

even the sun seemed abashed,

hidden behind veils of white,

not a human sound

nor one in sight.

Then, further down the road,

an engine, a gnawing drone

dogs awaken in their abode

I am no longer alone.

The newspaper arrives,

hear the barks come alive.

What news brings the day

houses rouse, raps and thuds,

a cool breeze whispers, leaves sway,

alone, me and my thoughts.

(HA 08/11)

Having and being

2011-08-09T06:15:00.000+02:00

As I read Eric Fromm's book I think about what's happening now, with the children in the middle.

Is my ex's goal to have the kids, to have power over them or is it because he truly loves them? In this phase of 'no man's land' for the kids I have decided that I will do what is best for them (not back away, I can't do that to the kids), but at the same time I will not worsen the tense situations the ex creates.
To him it is about control and power and who wins, that's the way it has always been. There has never been gentleness or compassion before now, yet he displays it now in a very restrained fashion. I read the 'disbelief' in the kids' faces but I know they play a survivor's game, almost like 'keep the brute happy so he keeps calm'.

They have attempted to speak and he walks over them. Soon it will be settled and I have to be patient and so will they. He makes comments to the boys about what he believes I feel or what I'm doing to thwart him. All I'm doing is trying to balance their relax time and outing time. But the ex has strange thoughts that I'm manipulating them, when it is he who seems to be doing that on his time with the boys.
I know this because the boys convey some of these strange statements and comments my ex makes.

He tries to grab as much of the public holiday time and keep the boys out all day. The kids grumble to me but the boys have to speak up for themselves and I hope they find the courage to do it eventually.
It took me years, I cannot expect more from them.

Matt 14:27,31

“Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” ......

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Retreats should effect a positive change for you while not creating new burdens for others.

2011-08-07T05:41:00.000+02:00

Beware 'retreats' that are all about you. Somebody talked to me about attending a retreat a short while ago. The retreat was about clearing one's own baggage, dropping past negatives and finding peace on a straight unencumbered road forward.

Interesting thing about it was that it was not a spiritual or a religious-based retreat but a secular one. But what it also included (one of the many outcomes perhaps) was some form of confession (opening yourself) as part of the cleansing process to someone who had a negative impact on your life. To clear that blockage so that you can proceed to love that someone fully and immerse your self in their lives more fully rather than keeping that distance you came to realise that you kept.

I had heard from someone who had attended this retreat and what struck me, what was off here was, would they be hurting someone else(elders) by bringing up something they( eg your parents) might then be bothered with. Shouldn't it be done without passing the burden, rather to face yourself and put it in the past. Confess for your desired change if you must, speak of it but do not lay the cause at another's feet so it may burden them. If they cannot do anything about it now, why create issues where none were for others. So the handling of that should be delicate too, does the retreat address that or does it just 'sell' the participant to do what is needed for themselves and 'all will be well'.

The outcome of your actions is to work for you but think of the consequences of your actions on others too.