Exploring my World! - Measuring God's patience since 1986!

Realization

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 00:50:00 -0500

You realize the world and you realize you.
And you know that neither of these can be changed!
And you know that you can blame neither yourself nor the world!
But also you don't know why it still hurts

No Title!

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 14:59:00 -0600

It deeply reflects the oddity in the mirror of my eyes
Even when I try hard not to look at that circle through my spectacles!
Its more than agonising for me to keep my eyes closed
And didn't you dust me aside for insanity when I keep it open?
Ah! - pity you 'blackhole'!

- believer of Kripssmartism

In its own soul!

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 11:29:00 -0600

But the heart knows that this evening

is also part of that spiral - the windings,

that can be hard at times to peer inside.

..and your shadow would sit beside -

to share a pensive moment of that silent thought.

A trip of questions!

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 11:58:00 -0500

When I get so tired of this world

My mind goes for a retreat

And then I get so tired of the excessive loneliness there

That makes me so crazy ||

********************************

It’s a trip of questions

I tend to be curious

I search for every possible meaning -

And it falls on interpretations..

You’ve much to interpret.

And the light falls on it as you go

On your way – sometimes

In silence or in shadows

It’s a trip full of questions

And most of those unanswered

But only at the end of one’s curiosity

You will get to realize - that

It’s only the journey

That can remain counted ||

Then I realize that I’ve lost myself

While I searched for answers..

The true thing that I could have

Found deep inside me!

But you know, that you took a lifetime

To know this and that’s the prefect rhythm

Where you can tune yourself to –

To remain aligned with infinity forever ..

********************************

When I get so tired of this world

My mind goes for a retreat

And then I get so tired of the excessive loneliness there

That makes me so crazy ||

ENTE MALAYALAM!

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 23:30:00 -0500

Vanaprastha!

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 00:19:00 -0500

Every responsible parent (especially in a culture I came from) wishes to get their children married in their 20's. Why? Many factors.. Self happiness, Social status, Mental stress release etc etc...

I mentioned about stress here.. Now, why is the father/mother getting stressed or feeling unhappy when nothing is wrong? (something which children can't understand).. And new generation has many answers to this…

When I analyzed it a little bit, I felt it interesting and thought of posting it here and it goes like this..

A father is responsible because he has some responsibilities to be fulfilled in this Earth. When he finishes that he can enter into the next stage ie Vanaprastham. (Humans have four stages of life. Balya, Yuva, Garhasthya, Vanaprastha.) Though everything is important, I think of all these stages the most sacred and pure one is Vanaprastha when he/she tries to find all the answers to attain the truth.

What we (children) do? We inherit the knowledge from them by being born for our father and mother and gain more and more knowledge as we go.. as we live... as we think more (just because of good luck and good fortune). Though the child's thoughts are valuable and even if I can understand what my parents are up to, I unknowingly commit a mistake by procrastinating my father or mother from entering into Vanaprastha when I don't get married on time!...

Now here comes the stress and unhappiness because they are not allowed to find the truth (which by itself brings the eternal happiness), when they are not allowed to enter into Vanaprastha when naturally confusion and unhappiness prevails.

No one put a curb on me from entering into my Balya or my Yuva. But when I don't enter into Garhasthya, I am making someone else from not entering into Vanaprastha! (it’s because of the formation of a bond called 'birth'!)

But if I see humans around me then I can only see them always worried on X or Y or Z reason whoever it be... So if we think more on that then no one actually enters into Vanaprastha... right? Then they are cheating themselves and the one who entered Garhasthya too! Isn’t it actually so complicated? but interesting.. isn’t it? Is there an answer for all these? Let me find it out from my own life…

Happy Planet!

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 01:16:00 -0500

If you say that you are not happy at a particular moment then something is wrong… or in spiritual words something is wrong with your guna!

Most of my introspections originate from myself and if I watch me carefully then I will be able to see a mood swing taking place in the inside of me each and every moment. Everything happens all of a sudden whatever it be - happiness or loneliness or what not! But at that point of time, it’s very difficult to do this kind of an analysis with the three ‘gunas of life’!

The scientists of old age India (saints) has elaborately mentioned, described and taught us about the three gunas of life namely tamo guna, rajo guna and the last one satva guna.

From the name itself we can say that ‘tamo guna’ is having a negative meaning where as ‘rajo guna’ is having somewhat a positive meaning and ‘satva guna’ the purest of all. But the fact is all these gunas are very important for our existence no matter positive or negative. I will say the reason also…

Tamo guna is something that induces sleep in human being and so it’s very essential. (If you don’t have enough of this guna you may end up in my shoes! ;))… So deprivation of tamo guna is really bad. But what happens when you are influenced by too much of this guna? Naturally more sleep! (Well I can only think of my Hyderabad roommates now! That house resembled a hospital ward… some or all of my roommates will be in sleeping shifts 24X7!) …which leads to lethargy and loss of interest. Eventually this takes us to something called a sad state of mind. And an excessive amount of sadness is what we refer to as ‘depression’. Now we can notice this guna taking a serious tone here! (Depression - an astounding 20% of Americans suffer from this disease - a state of mind which needs a medicine to treat it!) And it goes into the most serious stage – suicidal tendencies! So let me conclude it like this… ‘too much of tamo guna is destructive to you!’.

Now Rajo guna goes in an opposite direction. Everything… your ability to do anything is because of Rajo guna. You walk, you talk, you act, anything… its all because of Rajo guna. So it’s very very important to us without which we are just another dead body. A typical example of a person who has had Rajo guna out of control is Megha. (She is for sure gonna kick me in heaven! if I also go there!!). Yeah… so too much of Rajo guna means restlessness. You are bombarded with so many thoughts, you are getting irritated, you are indecisive, you are impatient – all these are symptoms to too much of Rajo guna! If you ask me I will say that it’s really fun to watch such a kind of person. You will not at all get bored! But it’s not funnier any more when this guna takes a serious tone - the next stage of which is anger and aggression leading to violence! In short you will become an unpredictable walking volcano! So I will conclude this guna as ‘destructive to others!’.

Neither can we eliminate tamas nor rajas because without these two you can neither sleep nor act!

So what we need to do and which most of the time we are unable to do is to keep a balance between these two which in effect leads to ‘Satva guna’. Now the important point is how can you gain more satva guna in you? In effective words the motto is 'be simple' :) .. Well, if I get to it strategically then I can say three easy steps that you can do for yourself to achieve this…

1. Just sit back for a moment now and close your eyes.

2. Relax your body.

3. Train and teach your mind to meditate.

You will naturally feel light weight... Live happily... and lets make a happy planet! :)

PS: I am none to say this. But still as far as possible try to be a vegetarian :)

RIP

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 00:08:00 -0600

He came to me... came so close to me that I found it uncomfortable even in breathing. I averted my eyes and I am sure he understood that I want him to take back his steps. But he was deterministic and I was the fool. He knew my entire flesh inside out and started squeezing me like a deadly black serpent. His eyes were so intense that it demanded to give him the way. I resisted… resisted like a new born child… suffocating and hardly did I breathe. Still he was so deterministic and stood there right in front of me… I could breath his breathe. His love was so pointing that his words started tearing my heart into pieces. Now I realize the innocence that I had then for I am not innocent now.

Did I yield or he made me yield to him? The serpent started crawling upwards reaching to spit its poison on the very inside of me that the virgin me won’t allow a man to see. Its hissings made me wake up from the half-asleep state… and I said myself ‘you are not late’. Releasing myself from its oily clutches, I threw it away onto the trash bin far away. Patting and coughing I ran as fast as I could. A crystal drop paved downward and I tasted salinity. He shouted and I closed my ears with both the hands as hard as I can and still running. Those hisses still give my nights a deadly touch.

I can’t run anymore… I can’t. I stopped there to take a deep breath which gave me some moment to think, to chew away the salinity, to regain the spirit bruised by the deathly weapon. Why did I run than fighting back? Why did I yield than beating back? Why didn't I come out of its clutches long back? All these ‘why’s’ asking questions and I sat there silently for some time. ‘Hisssss’ , yes I heard it again then and I couldn’t control my wrath for I was blunt to allow him spoiling my innocence, for I was blunt to allow him stripping me, for I was blunt to allow him view my inside, for I was blunt to allow the killer weed grow on my food.. I burst out...

And still he is there trying to prove to someone that I did the worst job of running away.. that I am a coward... But I never care! because he is ignorant.. he still can’t understand that it was the only way through for me to get some breathe. I don’t want to hate him cos the innocent me treated him as a friend once and gave him some space in my heart. Yes, you still have that same old space but never ever hope that I will let you know about it .. for I don’t want to see you again … never ever. Years flew away but still these marks… these bruises… I know.. I know it will remain there in my heart for ever and at times I hate myself for not forgetting that!

Aranyakam

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Tue, 9 Mar 2010 22:04:00 -0600

I was talking to a friend and suddenly a movie came to my mind from nowhere. Movie titled ‘Aranyakam’ – a Malayalam movie from the 80’s I think. But something in that movie still clunks me onto it. The heroine of the movie is a kind of bubbly character whose real name I wasn’t knowing of till some days back and this friend helped me in knowing her name. And don’t worry I am not attempting for a film review here and I am none to review also! But just thought of spreading a good stuff that I found in the movie.

The script of the movie can be considered as a sort of enlightenment during the 80’s period. I am not so sure if that film will make you feel like watching it over and over again. But surely I do feel so and it’s particularly because of the heroine character in the movie - a very vibrant dynamic young girl. The theme of the movie is all about feudal system that existed (and still exists in certain parts of the country) - the way how landlords treat poor landless peasants. The rage or the anger that was steaming inside the hearts of these peasants made them attack the feud’s family with an aim to destroy him. But tragically the hero - a cute looking young Vineeth - was caught in between and he couldn’t survive that moment.

Basically this is the concept of the movie which tries to teach something good out of it. But what made me find this movie interesting is the way how the script twines in a classic love story between. Though I never used to rattle that much about love or love life, I really appreciated the young hearts of the characters in this film. The hero, Vineeth, is coming from a very well to do family - another zamindhar family in the neighborhood of our heroine. Saleema, the heroine, is staying with her uncle and family as her father, Devan, took up a travelling life after his wife’s early death.

Like most of the Bollywood movies in the late 90’s, the director of this film portrayed it as a triangle love story which I think was very uncommon to find in a Malayalam movie at that time. And the character assumed by Parvathi, finishes the triangle. Parvathi is Saleema’s cousin or the landlord’s daughter. The feud’s family was planning to arrange Parvathi’s marriage with Vineeth who returns back to the country after a foreign study. Similar to the K-series sequels in Star-Plus, the script was trying to give a tinge of negative role for Parvathi who mostly can be found quibbling with her almost same aged Saleema. But it’s fun to watch though.

The story takes a U-turn as the hero finds his love in Saleema instead of Parvathi just opposite to what both the families arranged. No wonder and I won’t be able to blame the hero as the heroine’s intelligent talks and character at times impressed me also! (ahem!) Saleema loves books a lot and was very knowledgeable about a wide range of topics and was brave enough to express her opinion to anyone. The story mainly focuses a forest with all those beautiful trees and flowers, lakes and birds and all those lovely natural creatures. And it’s this place which can be referred to as a kind of secret place where Saleema likes to spend alone reading and writing and chatting with nature. Isn't it so beautiful even to imagine?

‘Aranyakam’ in Malayalam points back to forest and hence the name of the movie. And it’s at this secret place in the forest which the hero traces out one day by following Saleema silently, where he expresses his love to her. Now when the love story reaches this climax, on the other side the fight between the peasants and the feud breaks out. And unfortunately the story reaches a tragic end.

A mix of original classic love with a wonderful message and that makes this story, the cast and every character in it so dear to me..

Sick!

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Tue, 2 Mar 2010 17:56:00 -0600

I am sick today.. fragile and easily broken. something of a sharp instrument which started from the brain I think and it drifted down towards my chest and is standing there right in the mid-way blocking my olfactory nerves! Now this is not a new experience for me. I am undergoing an emotional trauma! - which in effect makes the half of me feel that 'I am good for nothing' - and that's why the other half feel like killing it! I sit all day alone - all I can hear is my own breathing, my own insecurities reverberating against the walls echoing inside my skull, my own thoughts of freeing myself, freeing the 'world'! Trust me these thoughts... they add oil to the fire.

Ok... accepting that I am as such fallen behind in a land of dead war.. invaded by evil spirits. A severe back pain. Eyes are finding it very difficult to look into this white screen in this dark room. I am hooked up here. I am my own prisoner.. prisoner of my own mind, scratching at the walls, screaming at someone to let me out of this. Asking myself again 'am I totally insane'?

I am sick... sick of what? Sick of everything.. not the one to be born ever! .. Get me out of this hell...

A note from a friend..

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 17:58:00 -0600

"Nammal kandittu 2 varshamayi innu.
Ormayundo aa divas amJ"

.. It took me back to 25 Feb 2008. Beautiful memories filled my ‘otherwise almost rusted’ mind…
Sometimes… I find it really difficult to convince my mind that I am not missing anyone…

Emptiness...

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 23:10:00 -0600

Though I go alone ...

kissing every flower that I see

bubbling through this gleaming white silk

smiling with that hidden tinge of love

Though I go alone ...

absorbing that shiny crystal colorful glass!

somewhere.. I feel that emptiness -

a conscious or unconscious choice

Though I go alone ...

Where life is taking me to...

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 17:27:00 -0600

I still don't know! Even don't know if I am too late to know the answer now...

Journey continues...

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Thu, 4 Feb 2010 02:02:00 -0600

And finally the loafer came out of Chicago O’hare International airport just to say her brother that her checked in bags are stuck somewhere in London. All the way from India to Chicago and now left with only one cabin bag! As a laptop and some other craps could never meet even the basic clothing necessity of a person I could consider that bag also as another useless burden! Not sure if my mind did now want to see everyone again, I turned back just to see the glass sliding door written “Arrival”.

**************************************************************

I would have changed my position the tenth time hoping to get some sleep the night before. I adjusted the curtain by my side to avoid the intriguing yellow neon street lamps from peeping in. Without finding any luck, I sat up on my bed to see the hours left for me to catch the 5:30AM flight. I searched for my cell phone which I intentionally switched off and threw somewhere away. I couldn’t restrain myself from some of those weird thoughts which like to haunt me almost every night. I drank a sip from the water bottle kept beside me (as I already knew that I will be in need of it that night!). The honking air-horns of Trivandrum city are silent now, just the twittering of some birds that stay awake during the night to give me a company. Though my nights were the same no matter which city I am in, that night pressed me a little bit extra.

I reached Trivandrum airport at 3:30AM with amma & appa. As usual, just like paatti’s chanting, they both started feeding my ears from both the sides. I kept on listening to it as usual and didn’t forget to keep a facial expression as if this is the last dose medicine with which I could become the ‘extra neat’ as how Sundar anna is or as how Anju akka & Ramesh anna is! And as a conclusion my amma said ‘Chammatha iru kettaya!’. I looked at my wrist watch and said them “I will have to leave now! Will give you a call when I am done with the security check”. My mom was sounding more like having a block struck in her throat now. Is she about to cry? I never wanted my parents to behave like Meera’s when they left her at Hyderabad! I felt it more dramatic in that case when the whole family started crying all at once! Thinking of it, I felt that’s the time for me to leave. I walked through the pavement into the door which was written “Departure”. Don’t know why I didn’t turn back to see my amma & appa once again then! Maybe they would have also wondered! Don’t know.

**************************************************************

Almost after 24 hours of sleeplessness, I reached N-150 Cardinal Court with my brother at 3:30AM in the morning. Though I was tired, I wasn’t feeling sleepy. Not sure if that was the ‘cold’ summer night that was chilling me or as usual the ‘tug-of-war’ between my mind and nidra devi! My brother fished out a cell phone from his pocket. And that was to inform Megha that we are waiting outside. She came downstairs in a white kurtha sort of something with black slippers which was having a white flower cut stitched in it between the big toe and the second toe. Her spectacles as big as her eyes and I noticed an unwanted uneasiness in her! She never looked into my eyes even when I greeted her! And my mind was unnecessarily doing commentaries from inside me when I noticed her shyness in looking at me! I shushed my darling mind knowing that it’s my first meeting with her and with whom I am ‘planning’ to stay here.

She has already prepared rice and rasam and something else for us. I should say the truth that there is a good cook ‘sleeping’ inside her! She forced my brother to take more rice, who assumes himself as the next generation ‘Salman Khan’ with a psycho statement in his mind. Throughout the life just by having these rice,sambhar,rasam etc has sucked away all the nutrition from his body it seems! And so being a weirdo and the one who don’t appreciate such ‘affectionate’ dramas that much, my brother sweetie frankly said a ‘no’ to her, and obviously she looked shocked at his prompt reply!... because that’s how a Brahmin should be as per the ‘rules’ who should not say ‘no’ especially to food. And I bet all through her 24 years she would have never ever said a ‘no’ for anything by being herself! Moreover I felt that she is the only one following the ‘Go Green’ slogan inch-by-inch, when even after finishing the dinner I saw her putting some rice in the oily ‘thovaran’ pan mixing it up to eat, so that she could not waste the remaining last drop of oil in the pan!

The very next morning, even though it was a Sunday 7:30AM, our studious Megha set out for college after all those fidgeting to catch her bus. She was in off-white Salvar Kameez and she looked like a perfect 40 year old ‘Brahmin mami’ with her hair fully soaked in oil and especially with those spectacles of hers. Who said a Telugu Brahmin can never equal a Tamil Brahmin. I bet when she will reach 40 she could perfectly come one-to-one with any ‘mami’ in my family! If my father was there, then he would have proclaimed by this time that she was the one who he wanted to be as his daughter and somehow I chanced in! I also used to wonder which programmer coded everything for God for the program is so garbled and full of ‘errors’ like this!

**************************************************************

My appa is the most perfectly ringing alarm clock in the world as far as I know. If there is a time like 5:00AM, don’t know how, he will wake up and even I don’t know why, he wanted the whole house to wake up then. When he realized that waking up someone in the morning is the toughest job, he devised new strategies. Before 5:30AM, our milk cooker, which I hate the most, will start whistling like anything. And that’s my amma’s job to turn it off! And that would be the time when I would have won over with my n-number of cranky thoughts and just slipped in to cut short a 6 hours sleep to 2 hours. The next task in my appa’s chart sheet is to take a bath and you will find three grey rows striped across his forehead to do his daily poojas. From somewhere there will be a cassette crying suprabhatham loud enough even to wake the neighbors! And for my surprise, don’t know if it was my appa’s influence or if that’s something in the blood of every ‘Tamil Brahmin’ family to play such a sort of cassette in the early morning, you will hear a music competition emerging out from every neighboring door. When I found it far too no-way for me, I started locking my bedroom, though I over-slept more than a couple of times and missed my first hour attendance in the college. But my deterministic appa dearest, who is always worried of his ‘Oashakoyukkattai’ daughter, didn’t give up that easily and started knocking my door shouting and scolding me as a morning dose!

I found all these ‘perfect’ characteristics strikingly coining with our Megha in the very first day itself! Miss.Perfect will be the title that my appa would have given to her and would have asked me to learn from her also if he has gotten a chance to see her ever. Thank God! He didn’t create an opportunity for that. And that was the time of Ganesh Chathurthi when I unfortunately started staying with her. She, her mom, her dad, or maybe even her nerd brother would have insisted me to wear a sari that day to celebrate Ganesh Chathurthi! Even in my slightest of memories, I don’t know when I last celebrated Ganesh Chathurthi, than amma and paatti preparing vadai/koyukkattai/mothakam at home and me finishing it off!

**************************************************************

My alarm rang at 6:00AM, and I sprang out of my bed though I wanted to snooze it off or to throw it away! But after exchanging a kind of mild smile of mine for a doubly strong sharp glance from Debbie White for becoming late by 10 minutes for my work at Burger King Cash counter the last week, I am not feeling like becoming tardy again. I sat on my bed for a while just reordering everything that I need to do that day. Mostly all my days will start with planning and scheduling, calculating and re-calculating in mind how much I will earn that month and how much I need to pay for my expenses. Usually the only mirror in the house, which will be foggy because of the hot water that comes out of the left tap of the yellowish wash basin, will become the notepad for me to calculate as I brush my teeth. The re-calculating comes in as it’s always a human tendency wanting to reduce the zeros on a large number especially when it comes to a 4-digit college fee!

And that would be the perfect time when my cell phone will be ringing with my amma/appa at the other end just with the thirst to know if the ‘Oashakkoyukkattai’ has woken up or not?! And I will have to give all the same answers for all the same questions every morning. At times Debbie’s face making me even to raise my voice to ascertain what I have just said (when the question answer session will start all over again) to make them disconnect the call fast -without dragging it like forever. I will be getting out of the house at 00:41 past grabbing a bun or bagel if anything is left in the house, to catch the 00:43 bus.

After me shifting to O-163 with Shekhnoza, my life started getting more tightly packed - mostly tightly packed because the apartment resembled more of a thatched hut bird’s nest with three people sharing it and the third person being my roommate’s husband. I am twenty-four years old - little more than a child for a world-wise adult - and for a child old enough to be excluded from his magical world. All these obviously would have made me to think more, making me feel like watching a ‘Discovery Channel’ whenever I came across a ‘kid’ of my age who study with me! For them even they don’t know what all they just wanted to show off or flaunt about!

Done with all these craps when I will be back to my bed at night, it will just take some nano-seconds for my mind to start displaying all the rest of channels on the inside of my eye-lids in the best possible way it could show!

**************************************************************

PS : In one way or the other all the creatures named as ‘human’ will be put into a particular clan/tribe/caste by birth! Absolutely not his/her choice or decision! And that’s your fate because you are born as a ‘human’! And your life starts there, letting that as the first chance for someone else to take a decision for you! Even though nothing is being agreed, at least I can assure that all religions agree upon one thing that ‘he will go to ‘hell’ if he is an atheist’!
I wish I had a remote control in my hands? - With just one button to erase all sort of discriminations, barriers, rules, inherent complications… from human mind? from the face of this World?! Couldn’t a relative logical thinking based on the already existing empirical or statistical data provide you with a new dimension of knowledge? I wonder if rotation of Earth is somehow leading us towards a ‘Scientific world’ where we may eventually see confused mass of human matter lay stranding here and there without knowing what actually is to be done! J

... journey continues...

forever!

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Sat, 5 Dec 2009 01:29:00 -0600

Your speech will live forever Dr.Pausch.

$$$ I said "23" $$$

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 15:09:00 -0600

***

Taking my eyes off the ‘Daily Vidette’ looking out through the window pane I wiped off a part of mist from it which was blocking my vision as the bus crossed South Main Street to pick up two others from the next stop. As they got in they gave me a big smile and were seated just opposite to me. They would have found it funny seeing me winter struck, cheeks ruddy, shivering inside the bus! When I returned my courtesy to them they got me involved in a conversation. Though it was a tough time for me to compile the slang of the black* man, I continued with the conversation; the white* lady sitting beside him repeating it again for me at times. When he switched the topic to Thanksgiving and started asking me more questions about ‘turkey’ (which I came to know what a ‘turkey’ is just a few days back), I said him that that is going to be my first thanksgiving. Then he exclaimed on that saying something like this “Oh! Swo Th-Ii-ss ish you’ first thansgivin’?”. It took a couple of seconds for me to catch it and as I answered his question with “yes”, he asked me where I am from. I said “India”. Every single person in the bus looked at me when I said this even including the driver! It wasn’t that they were unaccustomed to seeing one from India, but not someone showing interest in talking with native English people especially a black*.

For the next five minutes of my journey I only heard of ‘turkey feast’, ‘turkey roast’, ‘turkey dressing’. He taught me all from the time a turkey comes to Earth to the moment when that turkey goes to his stomach! And I kept on listening to it as if I am going for a ‘turkey test’ tomorrow (which was again a hard time with his slang)! When he finished with his ‘turkey’ he asked me ‘How old are you’! Knowing that everyone’s attention is on me, still with a question in my mind ‘unwillingly’ I said “23”. Suddenly the lady next to him voiced “She is not the right one for you! She is so small”!!!

God! Not so sure if my blood started draining down but I was sure that my cheeks were becoming pale this time. I don’t know if I started feeling uneasy when all others including the man, that lady and even the driver in the bus found it funny and started laughing on her comment! Anyway, without giving more time for my ‘embarrassment’ to take me away I came back to the present and gave that man a smile as the bus reached ‘Driving License Office’. Don’t know why but each and every single person in the bus waved me a hand when I stood up to get down at that stop. As I crossed the road and started walking, my mind was totally obsessed with only one thing - “The intricacies of human mind”. Striking the right chord in a relation often proves a hard nut to crack. Isn’t it?

It never matters if it is ‘Matrubhumi’ or ‘Daily Vidette’. From the place where there is always news about sexual and mental harassment, where there is always a racial discrimination, where always people are forced to follow the ‘rules’ (which only God knows who made!) – It is the same kind of people everywhere. As the fog from my mouth covered my specs it started blocking my vision again!

***

*Color: I would like to quote something here which Britney (a Black girl) said me last day – “They won’t care how you are! They only consider three things – if your skin color is ‘black’ – if your hair is something curly or primed like mine – if your lips are like this (showing her lips), then you are considered as an African American! No matter how hard you try to show case yourself!”. It was the intense feeling of ‘some’ pain fuming inside her which Britney mentioned in simple words like this!

$$$ It breaks… Still never! $$$

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 09:10:00 -0600

9:00PM in one part of Earth, 10:00PM at another part of Earth and 8:30AM in an entirely opposite pole of Earth. All these timings could get together when my amma/appa, I and my brother do conference call on my Saturdays. I am talking and talking without any full stop about almost everything that I could talk about under the sky. In most of our phone calls the silent one is appa, not because he is a reticent person but mostly because he will not get a chance to talk when it comes to the other three! J I am discussing about my future plans of getting a “dosa pan!” as like a business executive planning to launch a new software methodology! Suddenly my amma’s voice, “you could get that when you go to Phile. Ganesh is having a large dosa pan with him which he has kept in the pooja room doing Saraswathi pooja with it!”. I don’t know what I did that time to receive a counter retort from Ganesh on amma’s comment which said, “She will not even be able to lift that dosa pan. Oashakoyukkattai. She is not good for anything other than breaking that old cup and saucer!”

Just like a token of appreciation ‘cup and saucer’ is a token of “something” being appended to my name plate from some day which I even don’t know when? I will have to face this ‘cup and saucer’ ball bouncing back at me from someone (mostly my brother) in the family for almost every single thing which will say, “Oashakoyukkattai, you will screw this up also just like that cup and saucer!” or “You have no voice in this. You only know how to break cup and saucer Oashakoyukkattai!”. Anyway either in the beginning middle or end “Oashakoyukkattai” was also added as a logo! It won’t be just stopped with the mere mentioning of ‘cup and saucer’, and then some other one will start from the very beginning elaborating and at times exaggerating the story which I could say like this:

The following morning the usher in the dining room served us a plastic tray with several little compartments full of food along with a tray of 4 cups to serve ourselves with coffee. The cups were perfect crystal and it was creating a wonderful color effect with the rays being reflected from the light above us. (From the vague picture of a 4-year old, I remember that it wasn’t a crowded restaurant. Still I could see some two three dining here and there.) With all its fantasy, my eyes remain locked on the cup and saucer in front of me! ‘Sathan’ started playing his game with me as usual! :D My hands were able to reach it out and I was insisting in having my coffee myself that morning. Merely like any other child in tantrum, I started pulling away from my amma who was trying to threaten and warn me in almost one and the same breath when the cup fell out of my little hands almost at the same time! As it should, it broke into several little crystal pieces which again attracted me towards it - but this time my attraction was almost engulfed by my appa’s stare at me! Everyone in the room stopped eating and turned to stare at us as the sound of the broken cup and saucer ringed and remained echoing in the room drawing each and everyone’s attention. The hotel manager rushed towards us with an ear-to-ear grin fitted in his face as he had a 1000 watts bulb as his breakfast that morning! Of course he did soothe up the ambience by encouragingly saying that – “It do happen with kids. Don’t worry… its replaceable! “. But that time I didn’t know that the grin of the manager could get my appa a ‘huge’ pay for the so-called expensive cup and saucer at the time of vacating the resort! Anyway from that time onwards I am being served with ‘this’ cup and saucer each and every time when someone feels like doing so! :D

I was pulled back by amma’s usual funny complaints which said, “You both are the same… Don’t know why both of my children became like this! You will never listen to what I say! And I said that day itself not to handle that cup and saucer!” (My amma could never stop saying this :D..) If I am not avoiding my ‘reticent’ appa at this situation then he would have continued to walk me through his same old sayings and probably would have advised some more (because now I am also a cashier in Burger King capable enough of breaking some more ‘cups and saucers’ if I screw up something in the cash counter). May be I am hearing all these stories for the thousandth time today! But the incident that happened long long back during a vacation trip to Ponmudi and the token of which was added to my name, everything remain there still anew! The story which once irritated me is the one that I loved the most to recollect and visualize again today!

Even now almost after 20 years when I hear this same complaint from my amma again I could relate myself thinking and taking everything in a different perspective. From the time when she told me about the cup and saucer till the time when she is mentioning about our “future”, I could relate the same complaint for all the cases! And at this point from 4 to 24, I wish I could go back to that 4-year old where there was only one vision, one thought, one life, and above all only one perspective. Now when I woke up at this 4:00AM because of terrible thoughts and dreams, I truly wish I could go back to that 4-year old breaking that cup and saucer again, fracturing my elbows again, puncher -ing my forehead again, fighting with boys again!, above all sleeping worry-less again at least once!

$$$ Colorless tears $$$

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 02:32:00 -0500

Sitting in my veranda, through that grilled wooden frame door, I used to notice ‘Pichandi’ roaming around in the street. Bare footed Pichandi with a long stick in his hand always covered up in rags…almost half naked. But the little eyes in the street always looked at him in terror and mine was also not an exception – sheer after effect of terrific stories being injected into little minds by elderly women in these families! A black cow tied up at the other end of the street always having a clumsy face with its eyes always wet. The whole picture is in gray-scale with certain patterns in black and yellow. The patterns are separated using purple margin. They are shapeless, formless; but they never touched together.

Drums started beating. Its rhythm sounded unparallel for me. I closed my eardrums to let those sound waves die down by itself in the air without reaching me. I couldn’t help myself and I started walking in the other direction closing my eyes. I longed to see at least the ghost of that lost sailor.

On my way, those old mango trees gave me a smile. But my smile was feeble then. Of course how could it not be so – confused mind searching for the truth! The river flowing silently for years taking away the sands from beneath my feet and I felt – ‘am slipping’!… My grips are not firm for I don’t know whether to follow my overflowing mind or to flow with the wind! Flipping through my pages, I noticed that the grayness of that gray-scale picture is reducing slowly! I skipped a couple of my heart beats and suddenly opened my eyes… just to see the blades of that rotating fan above me chopping the light from the chandelier, again creating black and yellow patterns!

Nothing changed. Pichandi is still in gray-scale. That black cow is still tied up at the other end of that street… color less tears… color less tears of that dumb black cow!

new big house!

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Wed, 9 Sep 2009 14:55:00 -0500

Location: Cyber Pearl, Hyderabad.

I said "I will come to see your amma when she will be back home in good health"

All smiles...

*** 2 weeks ***

Location: Vellore Hospital, Chennai.
Date: 09/07/09

Maneesh said "You will not be able able to see her! She is there in her 'new big house' in the mobile mortuary"

only silence...

2 things!

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Thu, 9 Jul 2009 04:05:00 -0500

- either your wish is beyond your reach... or something is not done in the right way! Just think back & see how life is flowing... Always keep both the aspects & plan for both - wht if it does happen or doesn't... So we always have two options open to play with... Then both will be your wish...

-- I love it when you said it to me!

When did I...

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 15:11:00 -0500

…become the one that I am now? I was all the same from the time I could remember. But still somewhere I fell out of track. Not sure where or how! When it taught me many things, I sat there like an obedient student. But still don’t know where I lost my confidence; I came back searching for it in the deep sea. I was unaware that I can find it inside me myself if I can spare some time searching for it within me!

All familiar faces, but all are having grim expressions. The only one who smiled at me was that lonely star. I can see that winking at me. I remember seeing it when I went through this path before - letting myself to be stolen unknowingly. When the words were buried down - where the waves were all still - where even the wind wasn’t hissing. I tried to slide myself out of its clutches - to reach nowhere!

And here when I stand looking back at those dried maple leaves, I felt that same sand drifting out from beneath my feet. I looked at each of those recognized but unrecognized faces. I was able to see the clouds moving apart paving the way for the sky to pour out its mind. It transferred that cold love it carried for all the way long down to me. But I realized that grip was strong enough to make me turn to face the path in front of me.

When it locked my eyes with hers - I pushed myself forward to see the same kind of human being inside her. Like a kid having a new doll, my mind laughed and laughed and laughed. She moved the curtain aside to show me the other world – the other little world – that I always wished to see. Not sure if it will always laugh, but sure even my tears will be laughing then in this world. Not sure if the waves are enough to make your feet wet, but sure they will never be dead again. Not sure if the wind is blowing in the right direction, but I am sure it will never forget to hiss again - never ever!

Mistakes are never mistaken!

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 13:33:00 -0500

This is a small travel description made by a girl who - even at her 23’s - doesn’t exactly know what the five letters of ‘world’ sums up to! Now read on…

Pride, arrogance, haughtiness and what not - a blend of everything - not a bit less of anything… To say it, it’s always one scoop more with me! Somewhat head strong, I was adamant in showing up myself for my classmate’s marriage ceremony.

Train No 6127 Platform No 5 and I have got enough time with me now. Early in the morning at Chennai Egmore railway station with a black leather bag on one hand and a Bisleri bottle on the other. I counted from S7 backwards but it stopped when it reached S5. Next bogie said UR and the last one SLR. I reluctantly looked inside the SLR bogie. My PM would have become happier if he ever gets a chance to see the resource utilization happening over there. It can’t be S3 - my eyebrows raised up to see people struggling to get inside! I took my ticket out and got inside that, not allowing my mind to think any further. The ticket left me with a sight of 4 people sharing my Seat No: 38.

I unknowingly understood that all the eyes in that compartment are now fixed on me. Not sure if I resembled a wild monkey just out of the bars but sure those eyes were making me feel uncomfortable at least for some time! One old lady sitting in Seat No 38 made me to sit somewhere there in the middle of some 2-3 gunny bags! Another lady who sympathized at me even asked me to take the upper berth! I took a look at the so called wooden ‘upper berth’ - even though it was dumped with some grungy lug gages I felt it more comfortable to sit there!

In a minute’s time I found myself sitting above everyone in that compartment. I heard a fight going on in the next compartment - a lady shouting at some others! I couldn’t restrain myself from thinking about that 2-tier AC travel that I made from Hyderabad to Chennai. “Man! Is this the sleeper class ticket that I booked? How will I travel like this for the whole day from Chennai to Trivandrum?” - I tried to relax myself. Looked at my wrist watch, I still have 30 minutes left for the train to leave the station. Pulled my leather bag and got down of that train. I would have skipped one or two of my heart beats while I headed straight to the other end of the train - reading out “S7... S8…S9…” Took a second for me to regain my self in finding S3 there in the middle of those soap boxes!

Newspaper… Tea… Coffee…everything passed by me. 15 more minutes left for my train to leave the station. If there is ever a ‘World’s stupidity day’ - then I should start it with this! I had a coffee as I went on studying more about my ‘stupidity’!

****************************************************************************

Train reached Nagercoil station when the family in my compartment got down leaving me alone there. 10 minutes, I got over it somehow. Well, I have 2 more hours left for the train to reach Trivandrum. Made an unnecessary call to my ‘appa’ (: father) in order to while away the time.

I know appa can never live in peace having a daughter like me! And not surprising my amma & appa were eating away each of the clock ticks there at home! If I am letting my appa to speak now, probably he would have said like this:

“She never wakes up early! She never gets to her bed on time! She never takes food properly! She never gets out of house - always digging up something in her room! She doesn’t even know how to take a bus properly from Thampanoor bus stand! Always ending up in her own world of ‘stupidities’ but never ever accepts that.” J

If I can paraphrase my appa then I am the fool’s fool ever known to him! J - And to say it, I can’t deny that as well!

In my amma’s language I will be the “Oasha koyukkatta” of the family! And I have successfully monopolized that gifted position in the family ever since! J

I lodged myself back up to the upper berth just as I became a bit afraid of the lonely night time train journey! I saw one old man sitting with his eyes arrested at me from his side berth in the next compartment. Let me say you that he was so determined with his stare that I even wondered if ever he has heard of a word called ‘bore’ in his entire life! But I ignored him completely just after some time. Two more hours to sit along with a drooping down fan and a dusty CFL lamp! I lay down there for some time recollecting some more about amma & appa. The train has now regained its pace again. Still I saw that old man sitting in the same position with his legs folded; with his eyes locked at me! I am not sure how long he would have continued with that eye exercise of his! He is looking at me sharply as if he can see some more through my clothes! After all what he has studied with this examination - I just felt like asking him this question before the train kicking me down at Trivandrum Central! J

I may be the biggest wuss in the world but I truly felt good with the journey! I always wanted to be free - to live to its fullest - with true friends - in a lovely world! Fortunately or unfortunately nothing happened in the way I always wished it to be! I still do love it when I unknowingly entered the General compartment where I saw people implementing Darwin’s theory of “Survival of the fittest”. I still do love it when I caught a local train to Chennai Egmore from Park Station. I still do love it when I somehow managed to find the subway in front of Chennai Central station with the help of a traffic police! I still do love it when I got a fright on seeing ‘Hijadas’ in my compartment! Nothing less - I still do love it when that old man kept on staring at me when it made me think more about the insecurities of a life! I still do love my mistakes when they are never mistaken!

Oasha koyukkatta : Koyukkatta is a sweet prepared in South India. If that becomes stale, then one can call it 'Oasha koyukkatta'... Sada huwa koyukkatta !

Incomplete Picture?

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Mon, 25 May 2009 10:50:00 -0500

Heart is beating faster.. Can't make a decision. Is this state called 'confused'? It's nothing better than any other complicated railway system! Scream of a child from somewhere deep inside. The child is trying to pull herself from the train coming 'roaring' in her way. Why can’t she run? What is holding her up? This is a motion picture and the train appears to be near to her but still it’s not! Looks like it’s stuck! Again… Did I take the ticket for an incomplete picture?

Letters are looking blurred.. May be because my eyes are flooded up with the rich flow of water! If I want to run… Why can’t I? Better question will be where will I? Which direction? Everywhere it’s black! My favorite color – Still it’s making me cry! To sob inconsolably like a little kid…Then can’t I get inside the train again? I recollected – “Only streaks of red, strains of pain!" I awarded that world as a ‘hell’ and got down of that long back. But why it’s still behind me?

That kid was alone, frightened, horrified, and still trying to be herself! Still not allowing her mind to say that she is weak, she is losing her strength, she is fighting all alone…Where is she trying to go? Why can’t she just be happy as the other millions around her?

Or all others just 'acting' in their usual platform? Umpteen questions without answers... It's my mind - conveying such piercing thousands of impulses every moment! Still... my heart is beating faster... faster than ever before...

SSS... Through my spectacles! ...$$$

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Sun, 24 May 2009 03:14:00 -0500

In the frame of a wide spectrum, I thought of defining ‘Religion’ as the way to live life - a means by which the unknown truth can be found to fill in the knowledge gap of ignorant people in the world just because man is not a finished creation.

But how does the new era look into this sacred word ‘Religion’? A provoking question from a respected “teacher” made me search for the new level of definitions for this word. That was a fine Sunday morning when I received a call at 07:40AM from my Math Sir! For an instance, my morning sluggishness was startled on seeing ‘his’ name in the incoming call. I sat up suddenly and attended the call. By greeting me with a ‘Hello’ he suddenly jumped into a personal question. His question was seeking the religion that I belong to! As anyone else, I was wondering what has indulged this person to ask me such a question at these wee hours. But as I politely replied his query, he posed the next piece of cake for me! - He was in his full swing for the next two seconds and after giving vent of all his so called “partisan” mindset he disconnected the phone. I was still sitting in my bed spread with my mouth wide open trying to unmask myself from the half-asleep state and to understand all that has happened in the past 3 minutes.

What on Earth would have made this person pounce upon me like this? Well, the issue was all about my cell phone caller tune! For that my “Sir” even dared to say me that if I am not a follower of “Our” religion then I will have to consider this as the last conversation with him! I wanted to answer the question in the same way as Albert Einstein would have said “I am a deeply religious nonbeliever - This is a somewhat new kind of religion” . To say more about it, I really can’t understand the relation between religion and caller tune!

I would like to thank the great thinkers whose words made me accept the definition of ‘religion’ in this way. It is more a question of fact that we will have to analyze and find in our own souls. We have to understand it and realize what is understood and that is religion. Let me put it up like this. If one is sincere and really wants to reach the truth he will go beyond the books and forms making his spiritual inner sense strong enough to take higher steps. Serious debates or arguments can never prove the question of whether there is God or not! Instead if there is a God, He is in our own hearts. What you say?

When eminent personalities examine the strengths and weaknesses of India to inspire us to show the road map of a developed nation, the other half reveals the same old outlook of ‘modern’ era! When there are far more serious economic, educational and social problems crying for attention do we really need to waste time on a temple or a mosque or a church?

My spectacle is clearer than ever before I guess

$$$ That was also a Journey… $$$

noreply@blogger.com (kripssmart) — Fri, 15 May 2009 14:20:00 -0500

I was more than excited on that morning not just because its a Friday but also that after so many days I got my vacation to visit my home town that evening and that I will be attending Meera's marriage. As I was somehow managing to get my heavy backpack to the office that day, I was not just bothered of being five minutes late for the office but also about the remaining work that I need to finish off before the end of the day. By around 12 noon, I received a call from Remya, to inform me that Meera has not yet reached office. We five Remya, Meera, Sini, Vrinda and me are room mates. It will hardly take 15 minutes for us to reach the office and Meera left the home five minutes before me and all these thoughts started filling my mind when I received this call from Remya. Even though Meera's cell phone kept on answering 'unavailable', I kept on trying for her when at last I heard a male voice from the other end. The voice answered me that Meera met with an accident that morning and that they are at the hospital now. For an instance everything went blank for me as I thought of Meera's marriage fixed next week. I wanted to be on my even keel at that moment to think of everything and to make a decision. I gave the house address to the one who answered my call to bring Meera back home. Swiping out of the office, I fled for home to see Meera in an unconscious state lying in the back seat of a car with her leg fully plastered. To add to the grieve she was also having a walking stick.

It was not an easy task to take her to the apartment in the seventh floor of the building. Having her lie down comfortably, I was sitting there beside her for a while when all my roommates came home hearing the news. No one was in a psyche of uttering even a word after seeing Meera as everyone's mind was only obsessed with Meera's marriage that's to happen next week. After informing Meera's parents about this, I started organizing everything in my mind. Meera is having a ticket to fly to Trivandrum, the next day and we all are having our tickets booked for this evening. Two options in front of her. Either her parents to catch the next flight to come here and take her back or some one of us to cancel our ticket and to get her to Trivandrum. Time is already 3:00PM and we will at least have to catch the 3:30PM bus from our place to reach the airport on time. It became an ice breaker when we noticed Meera regaining her consciousness back.

Decisions started focusing into a single point in the next half-an-hour. Lot many things to do! I decided to go with Meera. Want to cancel out my Fridays' and Meera's Saturdays' journey. Need to get two air tickets for a flight from Hyderabad to Trivandrum the very next day itself! With all these in mind, I again went back to office with Maneesh (he accompanied me that morning as he heard the news) as there wasn't a way for us to access net from home to book the tickets. I need to get the Guinness record for the maximum usage of two words in a minimum span of time... Confirmation & Cancellation! Even Nizam wouldn’t have planned this much while building the marvelous Hyderabad city! “That was also a journey...” I said myself as I reached Trivandrum airport on Saturday!

**********************************************************************************

November 30, 2009 :- Meera's marriage on December 3rd ... not with vipin... but with Karthick.