Whispers and Wishes: a little window into the world where i create

Book of Days and other such things...

2012-01-21T11:24:00.000-06:00

Ah, well... i'm finding my groove with Book of Days... making the time to make some art a few days a week and to journal... to touch base with me. Taxes are filed... don't hate me because me I'm fast and ahead, know that I've only done it this quickly because of the ever looming threat of loosing my house...

I've had some fun experimenting with some new techniques and playing around. The good thing about art journals is that when your attempt fails, you can keep it to see what went wrong or just cover right over it with something not so "mistake-ish"-- Me, I keep the mistakes, because I'm a firm believer in learning from failure. But here are some of the pages that have really turned out the way I hoped...

What a blast. If you haven't taken a look at Effy Wild's Book of Days project, I encourage you to take a look. It is a no pressure art journaling project that will last for a full year. Effy provides you with videos, feedback via a facebook page and emails. She's a ton of fun to learn with. I've paired up with her to offer a HUGE discount on The Planet You workshops as well as at the Planet You Shop. For access to the discounts, you just have to register for Book of Days (which is totally free.)

Life has been the same kind of crazy for me.. too much going on at work, too much drama at home and a general sense of malaise. I know that once the tree finally finishes shaking and I figure out if I'll be able to keep my house the rest of my world will also settle down. Until then, I'm just hanging on and doing my best to enjoy the ride-- though I'd be lying if I didn't say that some days, all this shaking makes me really unhappy and uncomfortable. As I work on my process of "coming back up" I am reminding myself to be gentle with my failures, to try not to lash out when I am feeling threatened and cornered, and to do the best I can with what I've got. It is not always easy to have those days when the best I've got is really not so good. But that's part of the art of surfacing... coming back up is hard work, and long. I'm not a patient person, so the "long" part is not my favorite. But here on Planet Kaere, I know that the way things are are the way I choose to see them... so I keep choosing to see them as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,
Kaere

2012... who knew?

2012-01-14T10:01:00.000-06:00

right, so... how many times have you heard "a new year, a new you?" How many times have you then succumbed to the sales pitch that followed... and proceeded to have a NOT NEW YOU? or worse, didn't succumb but sat around feeling guilty and worth less because you weren't ALREADY that you? Yeah... everything from Get rich today internet marketing to lose 100 lbs dieting... all aimed to tweak us right where we are weak and vulnerable and aimed, really, not at giving you a new you and a deeper sense of self but at your wallet. And the thing is... who doesn't want a bigger bank account, a slimmer body, a healthier lifestyle? Lord knows, I'd be right in line... if it were really about change. But the truth is, I don't really want a new me. I like the me I am. It took years to find her, to discover the paths she wanted to walk and get her moving on them, but I like her. Most of you know that I teach journaling workshops centered on the idea of talking to the "real" you... I believe that there is less a need for a "new you" than there is a need to discover and uncover the "real you." There's been a lot of talk out there about your "word for the year" (Much thanks to Ali Edwards for bringing her personal project into the world.) I chose the word "Surfacing" this year... a year long concentration on both the coming back up aspect as well as the clearing down to. For each of us, and for each moment and thing, there is a choice, somtimes with many options, sometimes with just a black and white option and sometimes it's a choice that doesn't feel like one-- option A. bad, option B. worse. I've spent a lot of time in the past year with many of the latter kind of choices... not much fun, but not powerless. So in this coming year, I am focusing on the necessary pairing down and the critical emergence from the muck. I have been working on the new Planet You workshops and am so excited about the new classes. I have been tagging along on Effy Wild's Book of Days project and am really enjoying the community of art-ers/ists and journalers. I am fighting my way back up-- and though the surface is still not clear, I am looking forward to breaking through again. You can sign up for the newsletter for Planet You and the Planet You shop by clicking the button on the right. Have a wonderful new year, and hey... let me know what word suits you this year.

a shift in focus...

2011-12-31T16:59:00.001-06:00

Well... hi. Same old excuses, and I'm as tired of them as you are. So I'll skip the list. I'm sitting here at my desk with my brand new desk calendar (50 cents on clearance at target :) ) and thinking about the things that I believe i will face in the coming year... very few of those fill me with joy or peace, but there will be the new Planet You workshops, which I'm happy to say have just about pushed their way out of my head and onto the page... there will be days of art and writing, challenges met, laughter shared and all the wonderful things that come about with day to day living. And there is still the opportunity for a miracle... I've been hopping about facebook and websites today trying to find out where I signed up for an organizing your workspace workshop--- I deleted the email, have yet to receve a follow-up email, and have no clue where it came from--- yeah I need the help organizing :) And I'm seeing so many conversations about Word for the year... and while I'm never opposed to picking a point of focus, I'm thinking that what if, for a change, this time it's not so much about what is ahead but what I am leaving behind. That perhaps, New Years Eve should not be spent in anticipation of the coming year but rather in reflection on the closing of the previous one. I don't know about you, but 2011 was a hell of a ride. I redeveloped some old friendships, I met new people, I discovered my love of teaching art, I launched Planet You, I returned to making books and art. It has been a year of turning within to better enable me to reach out. I have set clearer limits on what I want and need in my life physically, financially and emotionally. I have asked for, received and given help. I have had my heart touched a million times in many small and large ways. This past year has been a soul defining time for me as i have made my way through the mess of every day life. There are still decisions to be made, roads to be walked and joys to discover, but wow... there was so very much accomplished this year.

So... really, it's not that I don't have a focus for the coming year, but I'll happily share that with you tomorrow, when it is 2012. Today, take a few moments to grab your journal and make a list of the things that made 2011.

the only person you can't kick out of bed...

2011-12-03T18:38:00.000-06:00

Life is... what it makes of you. Really. It isn't a well thought out plan, it may not even have a mapped direction and it is going to happen no matter what. I've been busy of late, with a lot of things, some important, some trivial, some just plain necessary, some good, some not so good. In the fight to keep my house, it does look like I'm going to lose, but I'm going to continue to try. I'm going to keep making art and going to work and getting up each day to be the best me I know how to be because... you know... the only person you can't kick out of bed in the morning is YOU. And whether I like it or not, this is the me I chose to be. While I clung stubbornly to the faith and hope that everything was going to somehow work out, I failed to be as careful and protected as I could be... so if this is what comes to pass... I can only say that I've had other choices for a very long time and didn't chose them. I have my reasons, excuses, and in some cases, no idea at all why, but the thing is, that while I am scared and sad, I am still the same me I've been busy becoming my whole life and it's time to remind myself that this fear and sadness are in the way-- I'm not getting the new Planet You workshops written-- they are percolating in my head, but I'm not writing yet. I'm not cleaning up in the house, nor thinking about christmas nor getting my envelopes ready and mailed for a swap I'm participating in. I'm not thinking about getting a christmas newsletter put together, or mailing Christmas cards. I'm avoiding my studio at all costs. I'm not being "me" with the people I care about and I'm being a bit casual with my own sanity and safety. These are all the ways I am busy telling myself to get over it and get on with it. Today, I think, might just be the day I listen.

Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,
Kaere

November 30: What did you learn from doing NaBloPoMo

2011-11-30T18:34:00.000-06:00

No big surprise here... I learned that I love to write... that when I get caught up in an idea, the words just come and come until I have to make myself stop... that sometimes writing feels like work and others it feels as natural as breathing...
I learned that I do have the discipline to show up every day, even when it's the last thing I want to do and that when it is the last thing I want to do, doing it often makes it feel like something I DO actually want. I was able to relearn that I am not afraid to tell my stories. I was able to find other bloggers that I really enjoy. Writing every day, about something other than crafting, making art, or Planet You reminded me that I have so many other things to say, and to talk about... not that i don't love those three subjects... but that there is so much more of me to share.

thanks, every one, who came along for the ride...
Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,
Kaere

November 29: What is the last thing you do before going to bed?

2011-11-29T19:20:00.000-06:00

I sort of have a list of last things... I read before bed... every night. I write in a journal, many nights, but not every night. I check my alarm, every night, I tell my son, even if he is already sleeping, "Good night, I love you." I have a difficult time being a parent... for many it seems to come easily, but I really struggle with making time to be present with my child. I haven't a four year old sense of the world... I dislike repeating myself... I take no joy in playing Dinosaur Fights or having stuffed animal races... and I hope that he understands that no matter how hard giving him the "me" he wants can be, that I love him, love him, love him.

November 28: Describe an heirloom that has been passed down in your family and what is its significance to you?

2011-11-28T18:20:00.000-06:00

Oh... well... this one is another doesn't really apply to me prompt... I'm adopted... so my family herilooms, and while there are plenty, are part of a heritage I do not share... I will say though that one of my mother's ancestors came over on the Mayflower, and we have his shoes... and i love those shoes... I even wore them once, to give a presentation on the MayFlower...

November 27th: another prompt free day

2011-11-27T14:53:00.000-06:00

So... life goes on, right? It does. And it does whether we are having our way with it or it with us. These days, life is having its way with me more than i with it, but still... it goes on... and here's where the magic is: I'm not keeping score. There are so many adages that apply here, but truly it comes down to nothing other than the choice to be willing to decide what is important and what we are willing to live with and/or without. My decision, and no, it is not always easy, is that being here to be a part of this great big beautiful mess we call life is what is important. And I am willing to live with and or without whatever it takes to be here.

November 26: waiting for something that never comes

2011-11-26T18:34:00.001-06:00

Today has been one of those days where I long for the ability to yell with abandon; "Do Over" I've had a headache that won't let go, despite an extra mega dose of ibuprofen, and a nagging twitch in my stomach. I am irritable and tense. I kept checking the Blogher site for the writing prompt... totally forgetting that it was Saturday... and prompt free writing day... which spun me around to thinking about the time we spend waiting for things that never come. We all get stuck there, waiting for the right moment, or the next time, and somehow, those moments and times never seem to actually arrive. It is easy to set a destination but not always so easy to follow the course that brings us there. Me-- I'm easily distracted... a magpie flittering from this shiny thing to that... collecting experiences like baubles and getting myself all bogged down with ideas and memories and plans and not actually moving. I have these great ideas for projects in my head but I can't bring myself to get anything done. I want to reach out to a pretty amazing artist and talk to her about working with her on an online class-- I think our styles mesh well. I want to be free of being terrified about my house. I am one of those people who has the amazing ability to have faith even when things are really rotten. I have hope, even when all the facts point to hoplessness. I believe that there is nothing so sad as the loss of hope, except perhaps for the loss of faith... and so... here's what I know.... that while waiting for things that never come, other things maybe have the chance to come along instead... and if you aren't so focused on the thing you are waiting for, perhaps you'll be amazed by the things that come along in the meantime. The world is full of amazing people and opportunities... and it really is just up to us to reach out to them and for them. So as I've been talking about the things I need, people have been responding to those needs in whatever ways they can or feel the need or desire to... there have been wonderful messages, comments and emails of support, people have used the donate button, and I've been put in touch with someone at the SBA who might be able to help me with my situation there. When you reach out to someone, you never know how far reaching your touch may be. You never know how valuable your gift of kindness may be... nor how deep it's effects may go. So I wanted to take a minute to remind myself that the smallest act of kindness can be the most meaningful thing in the world to someone else. I wanted to give myself a few minutes of silence to ignore the headache and twitchy guts and be blessed by all of you that have allowed me to give freely and who have, in your own moments, given your kindness to me. I am awed and honoured to be a part of this amazing life. So I need to remind myself to stop and be silent, be thankful for all that I do have, and all that I am able to give, and all that I have received.
Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,
Kaere

November 25th, Do you like to buy presents ahead of time or when you need them?

2011-11-25T19:37:00.001-06:00

An apt Black Friday question... I was so tired today that I actually left early... I thought that working thursday night and this morning at five am wouldn't be quite so difficult... but my brain shut down at about 8:30 am... by 10:30 I was bloody useless... I used to handle the lack of sleep much better than I do now. But back to the question... I tend to make gifts versus buy them, though I will purchase something when I see it and just "know" that it is the right thing for someone. I very rarely do any "last minute" shopping, and I simply don't understand the Black Friday madness--- there is nothing i need or want that would entice me into those crowds at those hours to fight with anyone over the last anything...
I hope those of you who celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday had a fabulous day. I hope that those of you who did brave the madness today to shop, enjoyed your day... and as a retailer, I would like to say Thank You to all of you who made it point during your shopping experience to thank your sales people, to be polite, and to pass on your words of kindness to us. Whatever your job may be, stop and think about how you would feel if you were treated at your place of employment the way people treat those of us who work in the service and retail industries. We are real people with real lives who have chosen this industry because it suits our needs or skills or a combination of both. I spent well over a decade in the restaurant industry before switching to retail and nothing would aggravate me more than being treated like I was stupid or incompetent because I was a waitress or a bartender or even a restaurant manager. I'm really good at what I do... and I truly appreciate those of you who take the time to stop and chat for a minute, to say thank you, to respond when we speak to you. When i was bartending in New Orleans during Mardi Gras we were allowed to wear non-uniform shirts during parade nights and days. My favorite non uniform T shirt read "Server, Not Servant".
The way you talk to people touches their lives... remember that when we stop to make eye contact and say "Hi, how are you?"
Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,
Kaere

November 24, 2011, do you prefer to be alone or around other people

2011-11-24T23:40:00.000-06:00

Now... this one is also a bit of a sticky one for me... because, while I enjoy people and love to talk, I'm somewhat shy, and i deserately crave silence and time alone. I work in retail, and am a manager, so I have to interact with people on a daily basis on both a personal and professional level... and while I enjoy all aspects of my job, there are times, even during my work day where I simply have to walk outside and get away from the noise and the people-- and nothing has to be wrong to trigger that, just my need to create a little cushion of silence.... So I would say that the core of this is that I prefer to be alone... but I do enjoy time with other people when I can control the amont of time i have to be in that environment... and don't get me wron, it's not just staff and clientele, but also family and friends that I still need to separate from and get some down time. I'm a better me when I get time alone.

november 23: write about a piece of music that changed your life forever...

2011-11-23T20:20:00.002-06:00

Oh, well... now this one is hard... for a few reasons-- I don't think any piece of music changed my life forever, but I also really love music and have a strong attachment to much of it... Music has always een able to change mymood, whether deepen the one I'm in or lighten me out of one i need to get out of. It allows me to feel a catharsis that I don't seem to find anywhere else, even in making art. The musi that comes to mind as life changing for me... Pat Benetar's Hell is for Children, Pink Floyd's Wish you Were Here and the Final Cut, Live's Run to the Water, Tori Amos' Crucify, Bob Geldof's I don't like Mondays, Depeche Mode's Blasphemous Rumours, Neil Young's Sugar Mountain and Helpless... hmm... Sugar Mountain... yeah... that perhaps is the one i would pick if I had to pick just one... it still brings me back to being twelve, to finding my voice the first time, and learning that even when everything was not okay, everything was going to be okay... I have the dubious honor of having had more than one song written about me and more than one written for me, and No, you've likely never heard any of them (unless you happen to be from the Boston Area and catch the local music scene towards Providence).
Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,
Kaere

november 22, what is the luckiest thing that ever happened to you and why

2011-11-22T19:08:00.001-06:00

Heh... this is really going to be a bizarre thing for some of you... but the luckiest thing that ever happened to me was being raped when I was seventeen. It changed my life, and though some of how it changed me, for a time, was really not lucky or pleasant, or healthy or even safe or sane, a lot of how it changed me, and how I changed because of it are some of the best things that have ever happened in my life. I directed the play "Extremities" in university, perhaps as a direct response to having been raped, but also because having spent four years working with and for the theatre department, I needed to dispell the myths I had about directing and directors. Had I not been raped, I'd have not likely chosen that show, and not then met my best friend and same-brain mentor. Had I not been raped, I'd have never walked completely away from the small little place where I grew up, became a city girl, became a someone not afraid to leave places, people or things. All the changes might have happened in other ways or by a different catalyst, but it was the catalyst I had and i consider myself lucky to have had a life changing experience that I was able to learn so much from and lose... only so very little in comparison. There's a lot more to say about this, but I'm just not finding my groove this evening... though I think I may have to revisit this post at a later date and give it a fresh write.

Make somethuing beautiful with your heart and your hands,
Kaere

November 21: Do you have a passion project?

2011-11-21T18:37:00.001-06:00

Well... I was going to sit and write this morning but the day got all turned around and now I'm sitting on some really bad news and just don't feel terribly passionate about anything at all. But, of course, for those of you that know me, and those of you that don't, The Planet You is my passion project. Writing the curriculum, filming the video (which was really scary for me) interacting with the course participants--- that is all really amazing and it feeds my soul in an unbelievable way. I just can't get my heart around writing tonight though... For those of you that know me... you know I survived hurricane katrina-- the actual storm. I was in St. Bernard Parish, right outside of the lower ninth ward and twenty two feet of water came in. We took a disater loan with the SBA that has been on a hardship deferment for quite some time and that has now ended... and my payments have just been increased again-- to the point at which I cannot afford my home. I am saddened by this and scared about all the changes that it is likekly to bring about. Life here was just beginnng to make sense... Today, I am trying really hard to remember that this is part of a plan that I simply cannot see yet.

Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,
Kaere

November 20, The Thumper Rule

2011-11-20T15:07:00.000-06:00

Right... so, on prompt free weekends, I let my hair down a little and write from Planet Kaere... which these days, is a cluttered, jumbled up mess. And that's okay. I survive clutter, and chaos, and lack of sleep and a million demands on my time, skills, and whatever other spare or essential parts I have laying around. But what I don't deal well with is the stubborn refusal to learn anything and move forward. I don't deal well with those I refer to as "stuck on stupid" and yes... that's exactly how I say it. Or I ask the question "Who flicked your stupid switch?" and you know what... that's not really very nice of me. What it is is that I'm surrounded by people who want to ask a question instead of do the work to obtain an answer on their own. I think I've had to walk out of my building at least once a day ever day for the last two weeks so thatI could say, outloud, "I should not have to think for you, ffs, think it through and arrive at an answer, then ask the question 'Is such and such the way to deal with this?'" So... I'm a bit frustrated... because the people who are being paid to do the jobs that require thinking are not thinking, and my job, which requires planning and physically doing, is being interupted all the time to think for someone else. And that would be all well and good if for every minute I lost to thinking for them, they spent a minute doing for me... but it doesn't work that way. I just get further and further behind. So the thing is, that I often have to just call the Thumper Rule... "If you can't say sumpin' nice, don't say nuffin' at all." And it saves my sanity a few times every day. Because I get really angry at the questions that could be answered by walking ten steps and looking, or that I answered for you yesterday. Okay... so I'm a smart girl, and I tend to overthink things, but that doesn't mean that every one around me gets to stop thinking. And I work while I'm thinking, and if I get lost in the thinking only then do I get some help. So... the Thumper Rule... is one of those things I have to keep in my life because I can get down right nasty when I'm feeling pressured and one more person asks me one more question that is only being asked because someone else doesn't want to do the work to arrive at an answer. So when I sound exasperated when you ask me one more question, understand that it's not that I don't want to help you, but that I want you to help yourself-- and exasperation is much better than me saying what I'm thinking at that moment, which is something along the lines of--- oh wait... Thumper Rule.

Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,
Kaere

November 19-- prompt free weekends!

2011-11-19T09:45:00.001-06:00

So... as I've been focusing on keeping up with NaBloPoMo, my blog has lost a little of it's former direction, and gained a bit of a new direction... good things come from creating, and change always... well... changes things. I make art, but I call myself a crafter-- most of what I do is alter pre-existing things... I love to paint on journals, I love to make books. Long before I considered myself a crafter, though, I fell in love with words and language and the stories we tell. I think that many of us don't write because we are afraid of the reactions to the stories we tell... because we value our privacy or the illusion of us that we strive to maintain. I write because the me I wear is not always the me I am, and sometimes, the costume gets heavy. I write because I believe in records, I believe in leaving a footprint. I write because, as much as I'm most likely to be the girl in the corner who says nothing, I actually have a lot to say. I like being heard. I like making an impact. I like making a difference. This past summer, the idea to write The Planet You workshops kinda fell out of the sky and crashed into my office with meteor-like force. It grabbed me and shook me up and sat me down and said "you've got to do this." So I did. And i hemmed and I hawed and I asked for a lot of support from a lot of people... and out of their corners they came, to help me focus, to encourage me to go on. To help me with the technical aspects of putting together an online classroom, edit video, prepare myself to be someone a bit bigger than the me I am in my own head. It is easy, when things are tough, to forget that we have amazing talents and skills. It is easy, when things are hard, to think that we are alone and that no one really cares if we succeed or fail. It is easy, when things are scary, to think that we are too small, too unimportant to have enough strength to face the world. The easy thing has never been my way, though I'm as prone to moments of self-pity and sadness as the next guy. What it is, though, is that I believe that who I am is worth everything I have been through to be her, to be here. Even when "here" is a great big slippery mess. Even when "her" is struggling and hurt and angry and exhausted. Life is what it makes of you, not the other way 'round, but You are what you make of life. Love is everything. And I never in eighthundredthousandbazilliongajillion years thought I'd be the girl who not only believed that but also said it outloud, for everyone to hear. Love is the reason we are here, and I'm not going to the first person to say it, but perhaps, this will be the first time you hear it in your heart: If you don't love you, all the rest is pointless. I don't claim to be anything other than this girl who has "been there done that and lived to tell," and in many cases, more than once. But as I've been there and done that, I've taken a lot of notes, and learned a whole lot. The journey to you begins with a simple step... the same simple step many times... ask yourself a question, and tell yourself the truth. If you're looking to start that walk, or want some guidance and company on the way, I'd love to have you join me for The Planet You journaling workshops. View the introduction, free mini-course, and register here.

Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,
Kaere

November 18: describe your happiest moment

2011-11-18T18:03:00.000-06:00

ummm.... I can't. I have this brain block thing when it comes to happy... it's just not a word I use or really even understand. I get love, joy, peace, settled, comfortable... all kinds of "nice" things, but happy... I just don't get. Sorry... today's blog post, while it exists, is a bust.

November 17, list your crushes, pick one and describe him/her in detail...

2011-11-17T18:09:00.001-06:00

Yeah... so I'm not going to post the list... because, well... I don't know you... and I've actually managed to keep quite a few of them to myself... but as I thought about this list, there is one for whom the details are everything, but it's not the details you'd think... Yes, he is beautiful, strong, gentle, but the details that matter are that when I first met him, he walked into the room and spoke to me as if he knew me. He asked questions that were about how I thought, not how I felt. He said the "right" things--- not about how I looked or what he wanted, but about how the world felt. How he could feel my place in it, and how it shifted to make room for him. It's that he's the first person who went away when I said I'd had enough, and came back when I said I was wrong. It's about how he accepted that I loved him and wanted nothing from him. It's about how he showed me that I could accept that he loved me and wanted nothing from me. It's that he never asked a question he didn't actually want the answer to, and that he held me accountable for my answers. It's that he was willing to care even when my own personal brand of crazy was enough to drive everyone else from the room. It's that he saw the me I wear to protect the me I am, and could make fun of me playing me. It's that he was willing to cause the me I wear pain to force the me I am out into the world. It's that he was willing to call me on my bullshite without telling me I was full of same. It's that in the moments when I truly believed I was not anything enough, he let me stew in it so that I learned how to pick myself up from it instead of needing someone else's strength to do it. It's that he didn't ask me to love him anyway, he just loved me and let me get there on my own time and terms. It's that when he said "I love you" it didn't hurt, or feel like a cage. It's that all he ever wanted was that I became all I ever wanted... and that he knew that I had a crush on him but never used it to his advantage, or my detriment. It's that long before I knew how much he would matter to me, he already mattered... And hey... if you're he, and you stumble across this... Thank you... for being you.

Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,
Kaere

November 16, what is the moment you leave childhood and enter adulthood

2011-11-16T17:46:00.001-06:00

While this prompt begs a few hundred witticisms (and I'm sure there are hundreds of blogs posting at least one) it caught me in a more pensive mood and so I'll leave the humour for someone else. As an exact moment, for many, there isn't one, it is a transition that takes place over time, but if I had to give a universal defining moment, I'd say it is the moment when you realize the consequences of your actions are as important as the actions themselves. As children, we truly believe in the "Do Over" and that a mother's kiss will solve any hurt, and that "I'm sorry" makes everything okay again. The thing is, that while many of us start over (at least once, and for some of us, many many times) you don't get a chance to "do over" You can't unring a bell, and when what is done is done, all you can do is move past it, or hunker down behind it, or stay stuck in it. A mother's kiss will lose all of it's magic (if it even ever had any for you) the first time your hurt is bigger than your faith that someone else can take your pain away. And "I'm sorry," unless used in the form of sympathy, rarely is ever even enough. In my house, we don't really even say it, because my response to it is "good for you" you being sorry doesn't change the fact that you hurt someone else, or that you lied, stole, cheated, abused, ignored, were careless... whatever... you being sorry is about you... not about being responsible for whatever it is you have done. So, yeah, I think that there is a moment that all of these things coalesce and we become adults... at least in our thinking, if not yet in our actions. Now, trauma will change a child into the semblance of an adult at any age-- but it's rarely a fully fnctioning adult. There is a moment in our lives that we recognise ourselves as adults, but I think that the change in the way we understand the way the world responds to us is what really makes the difference.
Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,
Kaere

November 15, Describe a favorite place.

2011-11-15T19:14:00.000-06:00

When I read this prompt this morning at 4:00 am, I immediately thought of my beach. It is my favorite place, though I've an affinity for many places, this place always makes me feel calm and centered. The susurration of the waves calls to me like voices from a long forgotten past. The crisp smell of salt in the air covers, but not completely, the dank smell of seaweed, shells abandonned by their inhabitants , and the layer of natural clay. The cry of seagulls, a piercing call, seems to have music that is just beyond my understanding. It is a New England beach, the coastline more covered in rocks and shells than sand.

I take my son there once a year, and it brings me a great sense of joy to know that he is also in love with "my beach."

Day Fourteen: Have you faced your fears and conquered them?

2011-11-14T18:40:00.000-06:00

Well that's kind of a big question... no... no kind of about it-- that is a big question. And my answer is so squishy... I have two really common fears-- heights and public performing. I deal with the heights thing pretty much every day at work, climbing 20 foot ladders,but the public performing thing? Yeah... not so much. One of the hardest things about doing the Planet You workshop was putting my face and voice out there with my ideas... it just makes me nervous. Public speaking... even when I'm teaching a small art class to people I know, or reading a newsletter aloud at work, makes my voice shake... my knees shake, and my stomach takes up semi-permanent residence in the bottom of my throat. ButI can make myself do it. I can talk myself into it. Now... what I still can't do is sing in public. I have a good voice, and thogh I struggle sometimes with being a little flat, I tend to sing well. But I am terrified to let you hear me sing. So much so, that I can't really sing when I think people might hear me. I end up all flat and all over place. In those moments, you'd think I couldn't sing. But so here's the thing... I was on location for a job in Vermont... little town outside of Quichee Gorge, living a hotel for about a week. The bar had nightly Karaoke... and my team of people would all meet up in the bar for dinner and a drink and then, Karaoke would begin... and for most of my team, it was just a good time... hanging out, singing, with gusto, with some passable voices, and some even downright poorly but having a blast... and me... couldn't do it. Nope. Not a sound would come out of my mouth. Now... Let me tell you a bit about the job i had at the time, I led a team of people who literally went door to door advertising for local retailers. We knocked on over a hundred doors a day, talked to every person we could find and gave them our sales pitch... yeah... me, the girl who can't speak in public. And at the start of most days, I was responsible for giving a small motivational speech-- many of which I focused on "getting past your fear" because let me tell you, knocking on doors is a scary job. So one night, my guys said "Hey... you talk to us every day about conquering our fears... and you sit here too scared to sing in an empty bar... you sing, or we take the day off." Well... I found a song, closed my eyes, and shook all the way through it... but I did it. And they were so proud of me and so unsure of why I was afraid, because the thing is, I CAN sing. I'm just terrified. So... our last night in town, we head down to the bar only to find that it is full... like 100 people in there... and here we are wondering WTF when the Karaoke DJ says... to me... I'm glad you came, we're having a contest... you should sing. And I said No... uh uh no way. And So my team put my name in... And the next thing I know he's calling my name. I sat on the floor, under the bar, and sang Killing me Softly so sweetly it brought tears to a few eyes. I missed a note or two, couldn't get my voice to stop shaking until the second verse, but still... I did it. A hundred people. When I finished, the DJ said "good thing the contest was over or there would be a whole lot of locals who were disappointed"... I smiled, blushed, walked away and believed, for a moment, that perhaps, fear really was just a silly waste of time. Faced? Yes. But conquered? no way no how. I'm still afraid. How about you? What scares you?

On the subject of things we keep...

2011-11-13T00:00:00.001-06:00

I have a battle with clutter... not just stuff, but ideas, memories, people.   I keep things... and it might even be fair to say that I horde them. The thing is, that like many people, I have some identity attached to things. I have a life full of symbols. Though I have less of the symbols now, post Katrina, than I did, and I have changed the way I keep things, I still am someone who reaches for an item to evoke a feeling, memory, place, time. Here's the thing, though-- I believe that we all have our own particular brand of my crazy and one of the ways I keep my particular brand in check is by NOT being painfully organized. When I allow that part of my crazy to come through, I end up being incapacitated by the slightest bit of disarray. I cannot leave a room with the pictures not hanging straight on the wall, I cannot just put my jewelry in the catch all tray.   Yeah... I know... bat shite crazy... so I've tended far off in the other direction where I lose hours a day to trying to find something I just put down. And I cannot for the life of me find a happy medium. I know that in the middle... i'm plesantly surrounded by the things that matter to me, that my art supplies are well tended but not necessarily always put away for the night. I know that in the middle, my work clothes are clean and pressed where I can find them in the dark predawn hours that I get ready to go to work. I know that there in the middle, I gain some control, and some of that precious time that I swear I haven't enough of.    But I have to confess that every time I finally decide, again, that I can't stand the clutter and the mess and the losing of things and the lost hours that when I begin the task of decluttering and organizing I get so caught up in the details of making things perfect that I end up positively hamstrung at the process of going forward. And as i said, I'm attached to things, so I have a really hard time throwing out those remainder pieces of scrapbook paper that remind me of the perfect page I made, or the canvas I used the paper on... I have a hard time throwing away clothes that I no longer wear or like or even want because I might NEED them. And... memories... people... ideas... if I can't throw away a scrap of paper, how really am I ever going to let go of that spark in my heart that is the first boy I ever loved, who I no longer even know, no longer can recall his taste or smell or the way he said my name but darn if tht spark doesn't just make ME burn a little brighter.
So... I know that I'm doing myself a disservice by not battling my clutter and finding my way back to middle. I know that if I allowed my particular brand of crazy to rear her formidable ever so perfect head and take over for a few days (okay--- weeks) that I'd be happier, more at peace with my surroundings, less anxious all the time and I'd have the hours back that I've lost to looking for things. I know that if I went back to keeping an idea book for the projects and writing ideas in my head I'd be less bogged down in my brain with the ideas I'm afraid of losing, or the ones I can only half remember and so will never start anyway. I'd feel less pressure to create when the ideas occur, which then sends me into a different panic because I don't have a clean square foot in any of the three rooms in which I make art and write.   I know that if I kept my calendar up to date and my checkbook balanced, I would stop being late with things that I need to take care of. I would stop being surprised by the passing of time and wonder how, when I had five weeks to prepare for something, it is all of sudden tomorrow and I've done hardly any of what I've planned.   I know that if I treated my personal time as I treat my workday time I would find better balance in my heart. What I don't know is what will initially tip me over the edge of willing to be living like this to willing to face my personal crazy to get to a place where neither is the way I live.   Heh... that was more than I expected to say, but for those of you that read me regularly, you know that once I get going, I usually get caught up in it... Because I thought, really, that what I was going to write about was that what is funny, in all of this, is that the things I don't keep are the ones that cause pain. I don't hold grudges, hang on to the hurtful things that others have said or done, or even the things that I have said or done that are hurtful I accept that pain is a part of the process but it is a step along the way not the road that we are meant to walk.   And okay, sometimes it's a million steps along the way, but there's still plenty of other road.   I believe that we are meant to experience pain-- that the lessons it teaches are invaluable, and often unlearnable in any other fashion. I believe that pain is an intrinsic part of being, but not an intrinsic way of being.
Bad things happen. Really bad things happen. Really bad things happen when you are most vulnerable to them, or when you are least expecting them or when you have no skills for which to cope with them. But they are still only just a moment in time. They are still only an opportunity to learn something else, to see some other way. And yes... I know that that is hard to see when you are down in it, or when the bad thing is something that causes not just pain but also sadness. I know that it is sometmes easier to hold onto the yucky stuff than it is to move forward... and hey... wait a minute.... isn't that what I was just saying about my clutter and messes and disorganized life? And um... since when did I ever choose the easy road? So... now that I've written my way around to the guts of what keeps me stuck, I have a clear and present choice to make: stay stuck where it is yucky but easy or do the work and get back to where things can be hard but better.   And hey... if this sounds like you, too... I have two things to say-- the Burn This Book writing workshop will walk you through the thought processes to get the junk in your heart on the page and out of your heart--- help you get back to the place where you get to CHOOSE what you keep and why. And you can register for the workshop here and have immediate access to the whole three week curriculum.   And the second thing is that whether you join me for Burn This Book or not, perhaps you'd be willing to join me and choose something in your life it is time to live without.
Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,
Kaere

Weekends are "prompt free"---

2011-11-12T07:25:00.001-06:00

So on this journey of NaBloPoMo, we don't get a writing prompt on Saturday and Sunday...   and that works out just fine for me today... because I have been thinking about a few things that need to see the light of day instead of hanging out in my head or heart.   Over the last year, I have participated in a few online workshops that have been fabulous and enabled me to break through some personal barriers with making art, talking to people, setting limits, and setting goals. Strangely, breaking through any personal barrier is really the same "work" despite what the barrier is. Define the barrier, define the things that keep it in place, decide which side of the barrier you want to be on, and then begin removing the things in the way either by redefining them or getting them gone. And, no, I don't mean that it is easy, but it is doable. And discovering that within me (within you) lies the ability, the power, to be the you you want to be is a really awesome experience. Even when it happens once a week, or every day. Our inner life, that voice within is ready and willing to awe us each time we let it be heard. So, yeah, life is better now that it was, I'm more "me" than I've been for awhile, and I find that that is a journey I take every few years or so-- the one back to me. Because I'm the kind of girl who has big ideas, and big dreams and I solve problems. I rarely look at any situation and say "okay... we're done. We can't fix this, or move past it, or come up with another way to get it done." Though I don't always enjoy solving the problem or doing the work, I LOVE rising to the challenge, using my creative energy to come up with another "way," getting something solved, done, fixed.
I'm the kind of girl who knows that out there in the world are a bazillion ideas and things and people who I absolutely need to know, even if I don't then choose to keep them in my life.   I fear rejection like the next guy but I know that if I don't reach out, the answer will always be a closed door, an empty space where You might have been. I recently attended a webinar with Jonathan Mead, hosted by Cara Stein, and while I was disappopinted to find that what was supposed to be a two hour webinar was not much more than an hour and most of it a sales pitch, Jonathan presented the idea that instead of making a "to do" list, it might be time to make a "to stop" list. And that really hit home with me. Because I get myself stuck in the "I don't have time" trap all the time... yet I've been up for an hour this morning, and done nothing other than play a few games online and write this blog post.    What would that hour have been worth in terms of "time to do" if I hadn't gotten my cup of coffee and sat down at the computer?   What would each and every hour mean if I stopped before doing and thought for a few minutes about what I will have accomplished, gained, taught, or removed before I give my time to the task at hand?
I've been giving a lot of thought to the idea that all the answers are "out there" and we just have to learn to listen.   That we need to learn to be still, quiet and not just hear, but listen.   I know that the power of community is a powerful and altering thing-- that when we work together to accomplish something we are stronger than when we work alone. I know that we get stuck feeling small and helpless and that our one voice cannot make a difference, our one small action cannot matter. But it does. Every time we reach out to someone and offer our genuine support, love we are making a difference. Every time we turn off a light we don't need we are making a difference. Every time we choose to shop locally, buy handmade, or even to do without, we are making a difference. As I've been writing more about the real world realities of my life, and not just about Planet You, or making art, or any of the other little wonders in my life, I've been so overcome by the responses of those of you who have stopped to listen. I have been awed by your support.    You make a difference in my day and in my world, and it is so wonderful that you stopped to listen.    I believe that when you reah out, there will be someone with a returning hug. We are here to make connections, foster bonds and forge ahead. So I will tell you this... don't be afraid to tell your truth, ask to have your needs met, be honest, give your kindness, feedback, support, help when you are moved or called to do so. The world is ready for you-- we are ready for all the fabulous gifts you have in your heart that you have been afraid to share. And we need you.
Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,
Kaere

11-11-11 Make three wishes...

2011-11-11T14:07:00.003-06:00

Well... hello... so used to not being here so often that this stretch of blogging daily is beginning to feel a little like a habit... I'm liking it... though it often feels like reaching a hand out into the darkness, unsure of what is there.   One of the things about blogging that has always left me feeling a little hollow is that I can see that traffic-- I know you came to read... but there is so little feedback.    I love reader comments-- not just that validation that it provides, but the opportunity to meet other bloggers, get exposed to other ideas and styles, and the sense of community that it helps build, as in "I am speaking to you and you are responding to me."   the internet is great for opening doors, but it has fractured our communication to soundbytes and footprints.   I'd rather know my visitors by their words than the technical footprint that tells me someone was here.   So for my first wish: I wish that everyone who stops by to visit here leaves a comment. Even just a "hi, I stopped by" is plenty.
My next wish is is big and personal so I guess I need to give some back story-- I live in northern Louisiana these days, but was in southern LA when hurricane Katrina blew through. I lost my home, my pets, my lifelong accumulation of things that mattered (or that I just couldn't throw out, and to be fair, it was probably an even split). We found ourselves in Monroe, being housed by relatives of mine i didn't know I had, and the struggle to rebuild our lives began.   I changed careers, found a job I love but was the only one of us able to find work. I had a baby, who is now my beautiful four year old boy. We bought a house, never really thinking that the years would pass without my partner being able to find sustaining employment. We have a disaster loan from the SBA that has been in hardship deferment for many years, but that has now ended and my mortgage payments have doubled as a result. So for the second time in less than a decade, I face losing my home.   Despite the facts, I remain hopeful that things will work out, and that perhaps, this challenge is just where I am meant to be right now.   those who don't know me well enough to know the details of my life woud never know that I am struggling to keep my house. Even with all of this going on, I took on the creation of the Planet You workshops and mixed media art supply store because I believe in Planet You, and the power of our words and of our inner voice and of our collective voice and actions.   I love teaching the writing workshops but I'm woefully ignorant about the marketing aspect of all of this.   Wish number two is that Planet You finds it way into as many lives and hands as it can possibly reach. (if you're just getting to this blog for the first time and want to know more about Planet You, click here)
Wish number three is that I continue to learn and grow by listening to the world and the whispers within.
So, help me out with wish number one and tell me what three wishes you make today?    Belief is a powerful thing, and if you are willing to believe, you will begin to see the changes you hope for.
Make something beautiful with your heart and your hands,
Kaere

NaBloPoMo Day 10 what is your secret (or not so secret) passion?

2011-11-10T17:09:00.000-06:00

Now.... there's a prompt i can sink my teeth into... because... well... heck... passionate pertty much defines me... though I'm not terribly certain that this isn't more aligned to "guilty pleasure" I'm going to veer off into another direction. Not so secret passion-- words. I don't read books, i devour them. as many as five a week, but the sad thing is, since i got mommy brain, i read them, and then remember absolutely nothing about them... until I begin rereading one something finally strikes me as familiar. I am creful with wiords-- I say exactly what I mean, i mean exactly what I say, so when i question you, it is not because i'm being difficult but rather because I'm making sure that you mean what you are saying. Another not so secret passion-- chocolate... preferrably with caramel or mint, but any old chocolate will do. I make chocolate sandwiches-- warm toasted bread with melted chocolate... oh goodness... yum... best on crusty french bread... Another not so secret passion-- music. I love music. all the time, though i occaisionally crave silence, it is usually only from voices. I spend my day working retail, and i raise a four year old, so there is noise around me all the time... voices voices voices... and it's not that i don't want to hear ou, but sometimes I'd like you to be quiet. Or need someone else. Another not so secret passion, but only recently really awakened in me is that I love to watch your soul get wings. It gives me great peace and joy to watch as someone discovers/uncovers the voice in his or her heart. As for a secret passion... well... if i told you, it wouldn't be that anymore... So... tell me, what sets your soul on fire?