Saya Yang Ayu

That Fateful Night

2012-01-28T03:40:00.000+08:00

I still have nightmares over it. Scary point in my life.

Last Saturday, I went out with some close friends and relative - celebrating their 30th Birthdays. It was nice. Great food and great company. It was awesome catching up with them. The dinner restaurant was quite far from my house. So I had to drive to my friend's place in Sg Buluh and car pool with them. Yeah go green. Besides it beats driving alone to a place with limited parking.

After the dinner, and birthday cake - we continued the party to a Karaoke launge. It was almost midnight and I was far from home, but since I already told my father I was coming home late - it was okay. I was with good, trustworthy company. It was great hanging out, catching up and enjoying ourselves.

We ended the session at about 2 am. On the way home, we continued our conversation. Trying to stop me and my roomate talking is a hard task. We can go for hours. About simply anything and everything. Once I reached her house, she asked if I wanted to stay over, since I wasn't sleepy I said I'll drive home.

They guided me to the main road. Yeah her husband understand me to well - I get lost so easily. The road was free. Very little car. I have to admit I was driving rather fast. Definitely above the speed limit of a Federal Road of 80-90kmh. But it wasn't too fast.

I reached to a place where I always hangout and checked the time. It was 3.10am. And I thought I'm almost home. Then at a tricky curve, something happened. I tried to slow down and press the break pedal but my car won't slow down but went out of control instead.

I asked out loud - am I going to die. Then something flashes before my eyes. It was part of a dream I hold so dear to me. It was part of a dream after I prayed Istikharah prayers last Ramadhan. It was me holding my daughter's hand - being absolutely happy. Knowing that hasn't happened yet - I told myself, today is not the day I die. In trying to find the right prayers to recite - I only managed to say Bismillahirahmanirahim, just before the car hit the wall (of a wall from an elevated lane) and my car eventually stop twirling.

I was from the fast lane but ended up at the adjoining road's lane facing the other direction. The engine was still on when the car stopped. I was still in one piece. Alhamdulillah. I saw a couple of motorcycle, too afraid to get out - I reversed the car, made a turn and drove very slowly and painfully home. The alignment totally went off. It was so hard managing and controlling the steering wheels after the hit.

When I reached home, parked my car and switched off the engine - I was relieved beyond words. Alhamdulillah. I could've easily hurt myself or worst die. When I get out of the car, I was horrified. The whole front bumper and plate and the spot light GONE!! The tyre totally flat. I guess that was the problem!! And that was 3.20am.

I tried locking the car but I couldn't, I guess the alarm system was broken. I suppose noone was going to take my battered car, so I went inside. Washed up, prayed Isya'. Watched newly downloaded Grey's Anatomy to take my mind off the horror (I kept seeing myself hitting the wall everytime I tried to close my eyes). The eventually fell asleep. That was probably 4 am by then.

Since I knew my parents would want to drive my car to the Surau for Subuh prayers, I texted my father, "Don't drive my car, it's broken." Woke up for Subuh and fell asleep again. Then at 8am my father knocked on my door to check on me. He asked me, what happened and if I hit anyone. I told him that I think the tyre was punctured, and I lost control. He asked me how come I didn't call him. I said, I was in one piece and too near to disturb anyone, and I just want to get in bed. And I asked him to accompany me to the incident place to pick up my car bumper and plate which were probably still there anyway. So we did, my mother followed us too.

Alhamdulillah, the mechanic that we usually go to was still open, well for half day only. It was good enough. They took my car in and kept it safe in their garage. Since it was the Chinese New Year's holiday I probably can only expect my car at the minimum a couple of weeks time.

All I can say was Alhamdulillah. Nothing else mattered. I can always find money to repair my car or even buy a new one, but no money can get me another full functioning body. Eventhough there was no scratch on me, the whole body was aching. The impact was hard I guess. But still Alhamdulillah. And maybe I definitely shouldn't go Karaokeing and driving alone late at night again.

Alhamdulillah I'm okay. Still reliving the trauma, but I'm thankful I'm still alive. And maybe make better effort and more prayers into making that particular dream come true. Insyallah.

Awesome

2012-01-20T22:30:00.002+08:00

It has been a roller coaster. I miss Tommy always. Dreamt about cats and kittens almost every night. This is harder than I thought it's going to be.

And I learnt a lot too. I am not as patient as I thought I am. I am not a visionary as I thought I am. But I know I do think too much. Until headaches are all that I can feel.

I haven't fallen in love with my job yet. Give me 3 more months and I'll let you know how I feel then.

Yes, turning 30 this year. Excited a little bit actually. I've accomplished a lot. Alhamdulillah. Allah has showered me with lots of Love and Wisdom.

I now know I have the capacity to love so much without forgetting to love myself. I think in a lot of cases, people love others painfully. Like staying in a abusive relationships, it may be physical or even mental or emotional abuse. People forget that the ultimate Love comes from Him. Allah Almighty.

I've lost my way a little. The stress and getting over some emotional pain is a lot. I do tend to take it out on people who are closest to me. I need to learn to control that. To count to ten when I'm angry. I really need some chill pill sometimes. I wish it's an actual physical pill. I'm sure they do come in other forms as well. But a legalised & halal pill is what I need. But remembering Allah is all it needs.

Something to remind myself, Allah is always consistent. His Love is endless, and I do literally mean Endless. It comes in many shapes. A cat, a smile from a stranger, awesome conversation with awesome people, A mothers cook, A fathers sms, food on the table, oxygen to breathe, beautiful sunrises and sunsets, hugs from loved one, and a lot more. Just open your heart to see the Heaveness of Allah's Love.

Hope is a wonderful thing. So let us just hope and pray for amazing things, and have faith in Allah that He knows what awesomeness to make true. Insyallah they're all come true.

Redemption

2011-12-31T20:33:00.000+08:00

noun. deliverance from sin; salvation. atonement for guilt.

Most of the time when others have wronged us, it is not the "I'm Sorry"'s we were looking for. It is redemption that we want. It is how others make up for the sins/wrong done. The 'making things right' is what we want. Not just sheer lips service of "I'm sorry". And then repeating the error.

This is exactly what Taubat does - redeeming ourselves from our sins to Allah. Realising and reflecting on all of our misjudgement/wrong actions and knowing we should always be and expect better of ourselves and promising Allah just that. To be and do better from that point forward.

31st December - a day of reflection. What the year it was, what good we've done and what bad we've done.

1st January - day of promisses. The start of the redemption chapter, hoping that by year's end we'd be guilt free and a better person. A day of hope - for so many better things to come or so many bad things to end.

2011 has been awesome. So many changes - amazing changes happened. So many dreams and goals came through and fulfilled. I've done so many amazing things myself, alhamdulillah. Allah has made things come true. The same big question asked multiple times, by multiple people. A year of being hopeful. Realising that Allah is always consistent. Closer than ever to family and loved one. All in all a great year.

I've done some pretty stupid things too, obviously. I'm not perfect. But I get to learn from them. So that is always the silver lining. And hope to be better.

Loving myself even more. Knowing my worth. There's always improvement to be made. Building up the esteem and confidence. And I actually think that I look better then 2011 than any years before. Perception changed what I see everyday. So alhamdulillah. At the end of the day, I think and feel that if you feel better inside you look better outside. So I'll keep on working on bettering the inside. Hopefully I'll be even prettier next year. ;-)

I spend a lot of time with my dear Imah. So I like to thank her for being ever so loyal to listen to my stories. To support everything that I'm working on. You're my Lucky Penny. Insyallah 2012 will be even better for you. Ameen.

Alhamdulillah for everything that has happened. Desired and nondesired alike. All brought amazing silver and gold linings to my life making it more meaningful and precious. Allah has truly graced my life. With my wonderful Tommy. My angel. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.

Hoping that 2012 will be bigger and Awesomer.

Happy New Year to All.

Angel of Mine

2011-12-26T21:02:00.000+08:00

He came at the time when I needed him the most. In the beautiful month of Ramadhan. It was a month to gain Allah’s grace and barakah. He was a gift from Allah. He was my angel.

I have always wanted to adopt a pet cat. I even went to choose one at the SPCA, but fell in love with the one that cost RM150. So mama said NO to that. And then I begged for people to give me one. I even advertise for someone to give me a cage. I got the cage. Just waiting for the occupant.

Then in Ramadhan, there he was laying at my doorstep. He was so small and thin, and he looked injured. He looked so cute though. I went over and pet him. For once a kitten didn’t run away when I tried to pet him. Most strays are afraid of people. It definitely made my morning!!

I went to work, and told my father that if when I get home he’s still there I’ll keep him. Then when I got home, he was still there (since mama fed him milk and keropok - any cat would!). So I went to JJ to buy some cat food and litter box and bowls. Put up the cage I had, and he just entered the cage. Like he knew it was meant for him. Then I said to him, "Yeah, you’re home now".

I tried to call him Comot, coz he has that comot face, but my father wanted to call him Tommy, after his favourite cat who died in an accident in front of the house many years ago. So yeah, we called the cat Tommy. A few days later, when I arrived home from the office, Tommy was bleeding. I was worried. I knew there was a bump on his back, and it burst. Some sort of a bisul.

I took Tommy to the vet, the very sweet vet took care of him, shaved his bloody area and gave me pills and cream to give Tommy everyday. And of course, Tommy had to wear the Cone.

The cone was so much bigger than him. And yeah, the vet told me he was about 4 months. And asked me to bring Tommy back in 2 weeks time to look at the healing process.

So I brought him back, and he looked fine. He was healthier, eating like a champion and gain one whole kg in 2 weeks. Amazing baby.

Then Hari Raya came. My brother and his family was in town. They were excited about the new addition in our family. Tommy was a hit. He was so manja. And he would just go up to my brother to be pet. My brother ever so willingly, succumbed to his cuteness. My nephew absolutely loved him. Everyone was happy to see Tommy. It was a wonderful raya.

Tommy brought so many luck to us. A lot of people came for raya this year. People who never did in the past came too. Everyweek we had mini open houses. It was a celebrated month. And Tommy would be the centre of attention. Although he was afraid when there were children. He would run away somehow. Children always squeeze him, that's why I think. LOL.

Then he got better, and we took off his cone. And A Happy Kitten He Was.

We all love his nose, adorable feature to his cute face. And look at his hands - he's wearing mittens. And Socks too on both legs. Simply adorable.

But somehow three days after - he was bleeding again. And it was bigger this time - the injury. The vet said it's probably already in his system. Nothing much to be done. Just to let it dry. And yet again he was wearing his cone. And a lot more medicine to take home.

But he was still happily jumping around and playing with his toys. I bought three mouse for him. And a ball, and so many other balls we had at home were given to him to play with. And mama found a very cute and minute sock on her way home from mengaji, washed it and gave it to Tommy. And instantly became his favourite. He would play with it for hours until he gets tired and falls asleep.

He was a very happy kitten. And manja too. He would follow me to my room sometimes. The first time he entered my room, he jumped on the bed and sit like he wants to rest. How cute. So smart. So from then on, I took with him in my bed. We would take naps and sometimes sleep at night too. He would move everywhere around me. Adorable.

Sometimes (okay I have to admit - a lot of times) I would take out his cone, and wash it and let Tommy play and run around freely. I would also massage his neck - the cone was getting smaller for him coz he was getting bigger. Big boy. He would be very happy when I free him. And when it was time to sleep, I would put it back on and he would give me his saddest look and make me feel so guilty. Especially since I would keep him outside at night. It never fails to break my heart. I would kiss him many times and tell him I love him - I would feel better and he'd look better too.

At his naughtiest hour. I can't remember what he was chasing after. Jumping from one sofa to the next while I was teaching. My students love him by the way. And he would always disturb my parents when they're praying. He loves to sleep on the sejadah when it's being laid out. My father would wake up early everyday for some sunat prayers, would open the door to feed Tommy, and then pray. Tommy on the hand would eat and jump in the house to sit on my father's lap while he's doing in tahiyat akhir and reciting doas.

So my father called him, his Doa partner. The one who helps him say Ameen. And there was once I took him upstrairs with me when I was praying and reciting the quran. He does the same thing, laying on my lap and legs.

See he's sleeping on my legs in my telekong still. While I was reciting the Quran. And his hands were massaging my legs. Comel kan.

Tommy is famous too. He would always have two constant visitors - One male who looks exactly like Tommy and the other a female who always eat Tommy's food. We think the male one is his father. And we call the female one his mother - we don't really think so but they're friendly to each other. So mama would put extra food for his friends too. And there was once, a mice ate his food, but Tommy did nothing. Ever so friendly kitten. He thinks all animals are his friends. Good Boy he was.

Then last Tuesday, while mama was reversing her car to pick me up at the LRT station, she hit Tommy, heard Tommy screamed and quickly move forward. Tommy ran crazy fast before she could do anything. So she decided to pick me up and deal with Tommy later. So when I arrived home, I looked for Tommy everywhere, called him. But he never showed up. I went upstairs and got washed up. Then later I heard mama screamed.

I ran downstairs to look at Tommy. He looked fine, but very week. He was in pain. We checked no broken bones or tail. it's probably his stomach area. He'd walk a little and stop and meow some more, then walk again and stop and meow some more. It was heartbreaking to see him. Then he started to vomit, and poop in pain. We knew it was serious. After isya' prayers my parents took him to the vet. He stayed there that night.

The next day the vet told my dad the bad news. It was his bladder - it ruptured. His Urine has mixed with his blood. If we do nothing he'll die. If he goes under, he'd have a chance although very little and no guarantee. I was heartbroken, I was crying. Mind you I was at my office's end of year Karaoke do. i went out and couldn't contain myself. I prayed and waited for my dad to pick me up. We went to see Tommy that night. He was so week, under drips. His sad eyes, broke my heart. I pet him and told him I love him, kissed him and said "Good Bye Tommy, Get well soon, Be strong okay. I'll see you tomorrow. I love you sayang"

After paying the surgeries and treatment deposit of 2000. We went home. I couldn't sleep. I was so anxious. Waited by the phone the next day. The surgery went okay. The vet managed to sew his bladder, but also found that the injury on his back ran deep inside - it was not just skin deep. But they didn't do anything for the fear that Tommy wouldn't wake up under long hours of anesthetics. I was calmer. But three hours later my dad called to tell me Tommy didn't survive.

My father took him from the vet and laid him to rest at the field near our house.

No words to describe. Allah sent him to us - to love and to cherish us. He made our home a happy home and full of love. We all loved him. I still couldn't sleep. I was crying and crying so much. I couldn't eat. Everyone was just sad.

But life has to go on. I knew mama was still in shock and couldn't deal with Tommy's stuff. I know she feels guilty. She have always refrain me from having a cat coz she couldn't stand to see me cry when the cat dies. So I guess it was harder for her, coz she sort of killed Tommy, and I blamed her a little bit too when Tommy was in pain. I knew it was hard for her. So today, with a very heavy heart, I folded his cage, put all his toys and bowls and put them in his vet carrier and put them in the store room. It was very hard, but it was also therapeutic - definitely something that really needs to be done.

He came when I needed him the most. Everyday during that Ramadhan I thank Allah for giving me Tommy to adore. Thank Allah for giving me something I can love unconditionally. And I am still thanking Allah for that wonderful gift.

I love you Tommy Always and Forever. You were really a gift from above. Save me a spot in Heaven okay sayang...... Sweet dreams my love.

The Slutty Pumpkin

2011-12-13T21:38:00.002+08:00

Excuse the title. It's actually a fictional name used in the show How I met your mother. Its how Ted was waiting to get to know who the real girl behind the Slutty Pumpkin costume for 10 years, and finally finding out who she is. But things didn't work out well at all. They tried, both of them tried very hard. But it didn't happen. It wasn't meant to be.

And how I tried. It didn't work out. Allah has bigger plans for me. And the things is - Allah is always consistent. Whatever He promises, will Be. He will never break His promises. I simply don't know how to explain it. But all I can say is, all the events that lead to what happened during the weekend and yesterday and maybe even today, made me realise that - I can only plan. I've known that, but sometimes I just forget.

We can only plan, and say it out loud what we intend to do and what we hope to be or happen, but only Allah can say "Kun Fayakun" - Be! And It will Be.

It was a hard way to say good bye. To my dreams. Mashallah. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I tell my heart my mind and most of my friends. That won't change Allah facts about His plans.

I cried today, after I can't remember when was the last time I cried. I cried because Robin found out she can never have children. Although that was what she never wanted ever, but finding out she can never have them was harder. And Ted cheering her up with all the Christmas lights. I cried even harder.

I probably get too emotional and attached to TV shows, but they're all based on real life. When things in my life is hard, these are my escape - to find creativity in solving my issues. My emotional journey. To help me understand people more. To enhance my empathy. To be more empathic to myself. To feel whatever it is that I need to feel. Not to escape from reality, but to embrace it and live it. Live through the pain. Not just ignoring them.

I am done. I no longer need my toy. I no longer wish to have a toy. I no longer plan to keep my toy. My toy was awesome, just the way it was. It was one amazing ride, while it lasted. Although I say this with a heavy heart, "It would make someone else very happy. And that person would be very lucky indeed".

Allah the Almighty. Please forgive me for I have sin.

The unexpected

2011-12-07T23:41:00.001+08:00

We have strength beyond our control. Seriously. When we are faced with something we fear or never imagine we would have to face, and turn out awesome in the end - we know, we experience the unexpected strength inside. Of course strong belief system and support helps tremendously. Without His grace we are nothing. Seriously Nothing.

My next point. We can acquire this beyond our control and knowledge kinda strength. How? Believe in Him. Believe that He would always protect us. Believe that He would always plan for the best. For nothing beats Him. Absolutely Nothing!!

We desire simple things in life actually. Basic necessities the ones that we can't see nor measure - love and happiness. Whatever thing we attached to it, doesn't really matter. Because the ultimate aim is that. What we define as happiness may not be the true happiness we should seek but nonetheless, it is always what we would seek and work towards. Whatever kind of love we're looking for.

True Love lies in Loving Him. Unconditionally without doubt. True Happiness is in just doing that.

Something happened today. Something hurtful. I hurt myself. Emotionally. It was stupid but I did it anyway. I went back to the past - visiting the painful past. Seriously there's no point to that. Unless there are things I should have learnt that I haven't already. But that was not the case just now.

As I sat pondering over the past and reliving the pain, I reminded myself that nothing is EVER going to change the PAST. It has passed. So I look at my present. This is what Allah has presented to me, for me. I just need to work with what I have. And develop on that. So that is the lesson of strength today for me. What I have is more that enough, more than I can hope for. Allah has planned this for me. I shall live it to the best I can. Although sometimes I tend to cross the line, I'll keep reminding myself to always be a good person.

Insyallah. I shall try and be my best. I am happy. I have love in my life. I have happiness in my life. Alhamdulillah.

We simply don't have all the Answers.

2011-11-25T13:14:00.001+08:00

Are we living or are we merely surviving? Life is for the living not surviving. What are our aims in life? Wealth? Fame? Power? To change the world? Love? Food? The afterlife? Jannah? I guess at the very minimum we want to have it all and achieve all we can, simply because we don't know when it'll all end.

Are we sinking to the bottom of the sea? Are we barely floating in the middle of the sea not knowing where we're heading - just following where the wind and the waves will take us?

To know how to swim, we must learn how to swim. To know where to head, we must know the directions. There are so many things we need to know to live. And so many things to learn from. Are the books we're reading giving us values? Helping us live for now and forever? Are the things we watch on telly appropriate to achieve our directions in life? Are the things we eat good for us? our health and well-being?

Are we copying the right idol to live by? Are we mirroring the version of us we want the world to know? Are we being the best version of ourselves? Are we being the best daughter/son we can possibly be? Are we being the best mother/father we can possible be? Are we being the best wives/husbands we can possibly be? Are we being the best employees we can possible be? Are we being the best partners we can possibly be?

And to me the ultimate question of all - Are we being the best slaves of Allah we can possibly be? The ultimate truth is that We are all slaves - our task is to worship Allah. The best we can. Are we doing the best at that? Following His every Instructions? Not doing anything and everything he prohibits? At the very least, let us all be VERY AFRAID of Jahannam!!

We simply don't have all the Answers. But we can try. Hopefully we will all get it. The right answers.

Life is a journey that Allah has pre-planned for us. We are merely living it. Every seconds of it. When in doubt just have faith and believe that Everything He does, is for the best. He always gives His best. And No one can beat His best. So just smile and know that.

The New Year is coming. To me it has been the best year so far. I have achieved more than what I have set myself to achieve. And for that, millions of Alhamdulillah - for His graciousness and endless love. It did not come without challenges, they are constant. But to learn from everyone of them, are true gifts. To be stronger, braver and smarter after every challenges is the pinnacle of life.

To know that with every year that comes by, we love the people we already love a little bit more (maybe even a lot more). And we always will find new people/things to love. It simply shows that with every second of life, we are gaining love. Isn't that just simply amazing? Masyallah.

It has been a blessed year. May next year be even more amazing. Happy New Year. If we can, let us fast the first ten days of Muharram.

Bismillahirahmanirahim

2011-11-23T09:08:00.001+08:00

May today be a better day. Ameen.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.1

My Demon

2011-11-22T22:52:00.001+08:00

I have found my ultimate demon. It's all about the driving. I did something horrible just now. I screamed and knocked a car (i was a pedestrian) because he was blocking the road. Once I got into my mums car I continued screaming and showing off unflattery gestures at him (not the finger but the action showing he has no brains). He looked shocked and confused. I even hated him coz he was fat. Like really fat. Mind you he was in the car I didn't even know what size he was. But from his round and chubby face I already made a conclusion that he's a fat idiot and I hate him. Astaghfirullahalazim.

It's probably everything I hate about myself. I'm a stupid driver. Seriously I dont know how to parallel park. How I pass my driving license is still a mystery to me. And yeah as much as I hate it. I am fat. Yeah the gym's weighing machine would definitely agree with that.

I made a promise to Allah to be a better person. That's why I fast two days everyweek that I can. And I have been doing it since April. Although I acknowledge that I am more aware of my being, I know I still have long way to go. And I pray to Allah constantly that he show me my weaknesses so that I can improve myself.

I tell you these two weeks I have been awful. Last week, was impossible. I was in this needy state that I couldn't even handle myself. But I got better alhamdulillah. Tried to think outside the box. Thanks to friends who helped me along.

And this week, with the driving. I know i'm not awesome. But I have just moved on to completely awful. And not to mention the fat thing.

My demons are scary. They seriously need to be put on leashes. I will try so much harder. I just hope I dont have to see the guy ever again. Worst yet, have to work him. Worst still ending up being in his family.

Seriously, astaghfirullahalazim. Semoga Allah terus membuka ruang for me to be better.

Sangat P2. P3 tak kick in fully yet.

I hope I dont repeat last week's neediness. M8 you'll be my guiding star okay.

Oh yeah, on top of these craziness I have manage to be firm to someone. Probably these built up anger was because I have been bottling it all up all these while. So once the bottle is broken, Everyting is spilt out. And I everything is very scary.

When the mind and the heart tak sync, implementation go haywire. Have to continuously cleanse the heart.

Dear guy, i'm really sorry I was awful to you just now. I made myself looked bad in front of you and all the other cars. Seriously sorry.

Change is hard. Understanding the depth of what needs to be changed is the scariest of all.

Ask forgiveness from everyone before I sleep, forgive everyone before I sleep. And most of all forgive myself and be truly thankful to Allah for showing me my awfulness so that I can change it to awesomeness. Ya Allah please forgive me. Ameen.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.1

The sharp corners of life

2011-11-15T13:01:00.001+08:00

Yes, as many times as I have mentioned, our superpowers are limited to simply just planning. The actual doing and making things happen is out of our control. It is His divine powers that create things - all things, everything.

I work and try very hard to be happy. It is choice. Nothing else matters. I just need to focus on all the positive things in my life and I'm there. So many things to be grateful about- Alhamdulillah, Thank you Allah.

But sometimes I forget to look out for sharp corners - things that would change the course of my vision from what I had planned. Allah knows best. Open my heart to accept them gracefully. It is a process, still walking the emotional and mental journey to get to the destination - gracefully.

What I want and what Allah has plan for me are two very different things and courses. If they happen to overlap and made happen, it is all in His grace. All I can say is Alhamdulillah. If it does not, I'd still say Alhamdulillah. For the test of patience, the hidayah that I receive along the way, the things I experience and learn in not having things exactly the way I want it. There are true beauty in that. Patience and the ability to calm myself down and to search for the silver linings - always. The true gift, is when I can do it real fast and be truly happy and at peace for whatever the outcome may be.

Very recent incident taught me a very important lesson. I've tried my best to please my family. They are the closest to me. Their acceptance and "redha" for whatever I venture is what I need to achieve Allah's blessings. To me that is the most important thing. But when my friend ask me to not tell my parents some things that is about to happen in my life. I find it peculiar. This is yet another test. My family are there to protect me. I am bound to them through the blood running in my veins. I will do no such things. I will try my very best to not do such things.

I was even asked to talk to some other people who would be able to tell my father not to send me and pick me up from the office. Just so that, guys won't be intimidated by the fact. Again, the depth of this request, I'd find less and less welcoming. I know this friend has the best intention. Wanting me to be happy and able to find suitable man who would want to date me and eventually marry me. I get it. But life is so much more that this.

First of all, my father picks me up and sends me to office - it's more like a carpool. I have my neighbour carpooling with us everyday. And sometimes when my father doesn't have enough cash for petrol, that's where I come in. It would be weird if he ask me for petrol money and I still have to find my own way to work when he'd be driving my car to his work.

I do not want nor need to go around my parents just so that I can go for dates. And I do not want to date even. Not anymore. I've let that one go. I'm not dating anyone in particular nor do I want to. I'm friends with everyone. I'll go on dates with my husband when I'm married. Thank you very much.

I'm trying very hard to pray and do as what I'm praying for - to avoid from doing wrong things (mungkar), defamation (fitnah) and vice (maksiat). I pray that Allah will protect me from all this.

Don't ask me to go behind my parents. For as long as I'm not married, my taat is firstly for Allah, then Rasulullah and then of course my mother and my father. Not my friends or any guy. Priority is key. I do not need to follow any worldly expectations nor rules (which I have religiously in the past). I need to follow what's right and wrong according to Islam.

Allah have mercy on me. May I be stronger everyday, have more patience everyday, be more knowledgeable everyday - to be a righteous woman. Ameen.

I am wrong. I am at fault

2011-11-11T13:22:00.001+08:00

In everything that we do, sometimes we'd get appraisals and sometimes we'd get negative feedback. The purpose of what we do is not about getting appraisals, but simply to get the job done (whatever it is that needs to be done), and ultimately to serve Allah.

It's by making whatever we do as part of our daily Ibadahs. Ensuring that our NIAT is align to what Allah wants from us. For example: going to work - working to feed the family, accumulating earthly wealth to be able to give more to others who are less fortunate, making sure we don't do anything against the teachings of Islam in our workplace. And when we do feed the family and give out to those less fortunate, we need to always be reminded that it is not US who is giving, but we are merely the tools for Allah to provide. Because Allah is the ultimate provider. Don't boast around thinking that we are in the position of power and able to provide thus others should be thankful to us and worship us. It is Allah that people should say thanks to above all.

And when after we have given, we get negative feedback - usually we'd easily say "Ungrateful A@#!". Angry that instead of Thanks that we thought we should get, we're getting curses and angry slurs. Again, if we take deep breaths and be open about it - we'd realise that every comments/feedbacks are gifts - they are there to improve us. They are there to test our patience. They are there to remind us who we are really working for - them (the people) or Allah? Who's appraisal do we need really - them (the people) or Allah? We'd learn soon enough that we can't please everyone. It is an impossible task to do. And at the end of the day, people don't give us life, Allah does.

We then enter the "I don't care anymore" zone. Too tired to want to fight the negative feedbacks. That is just it. We don't fight it. We embrace it. Feedbacks are gifts. They give us the sense of what are expected of us. Sometimes we're just too fixated about making things done that we ignore how they are suppose to be done. So with feedbacks, we'd get a better idea what is expected. We can always improve. That should always be the motto of our life. So when people give negative comments or feedbacks say thank you. They are actually helping us be better.

True, trying to impress everyone is impossible - but it is worth the try (at least the ones around us). Why? Because we should always please the ones around us, closest to us. Without their blessings, life is not worth living. We should always take care of them, give them the best of what we have. Because when we die, we don't magically crawl to the grave. These are the people who are going to pray for us, going to carry us, going to put flowers on our grave. So it is always important to take care of them, listen to them and their feedbacks. No matter how painful it is, just listen first, then think. Talk back later - much later.

When things get to hard, remind ourselves of our initial intentions, aims, purpose and niat. Ensure that it is always to serve Allah, done sincerely and whole-heartedly FOR Him.
“And Allah created you and whatever you do” (The Qur’an, 37: 96)

This verse clearly implies that everything we experience or think we do for ourselves at every point in time is in fact created for us. It reminds us that we have no power to bring anything into being or to create anything.

Believing that, hopefully Insyallah whatever the outcome (appraisals or negative feedbacks) of our actions/works we will be at ease and at peace. Knowing that our actions are governed by what Allah has already set/plan for us, the outcome too - comes from Allah. Open our hearts, and embrace every lessons that comes our way.

Sorry and thank you.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha

2011-11-06T11:25:00.001+08:00

This year I'm in Manjung for Raya Korban. Different feel. Homey all the same. Of course lots of food.

Selamat Hari Raya Korban to all. Insyallah soon, we'll have the means to perform Hajj in Mekah. Ameen.

s.a.y.a.~.g.a.y.~.s.a.y.a.~.o.k.a.y. PART III

2011-11-05T17:12:00.002+08:00

The hiatus over homosexualism in Malaysia is out and about again. The so-called-gay-parade. No parade though. I actually liked watching gay parade. The London one was a very long one. It was fun. Most of them dressing like women. Maybe I'm a hypocrite. Yeah, maybe so. I still find it hard to be indifferent to people who are gay (or lesbian). If they're in my life I'd love them just the same. But of course I'd try to push them to the other side. I'd try but whether or not I have been successful, only Allah knows.

Anyways, I found this draft entry from earlier this year.

*************************************************************************
I've been talking a lot about my entries on Homosexualism. I talked most to Nan-Muslim since they're the people around me everyday. One of the point one of them brought up was that homosexual people can easily live with heterosexual people, since there'd still be continuity of life (by the heterosexual couples), no need for me to hate them. First of all, I do not hate homosexual people nor am I homophobic. To me homosexual people are like everyone else who chose to be that - living in sin, just like it is a choice to commit zina. There is no sex out of marriage in Islam, any kind of sex for that matter - but in Islam the only valid one would be between a man and his wife, consensual and out of love, care and respect (for Allah, for the religion and for each other). That is what making babies should mean - a beautiful masterpiece that is made out of love and respect.

I've known some atheist with very high moral values. I would applaud them for having these believes, even though they don't believe in 'the higher power'. In many ways it reminded me how much I should be grateful that I was born a Muslim. Every value has reasons behind them. Saying things like you shouldn't question Allah's rule is not totally right, you shouldn't question the validity of those rules/ values (for whatever reasons - geographically or time/centuries), but you should always ask why it is so. Digging deeper into it and understanding those answers would make you understand why it is so, and why the Quran is what it claimed to be - timeless.

Surah an-Nisa' 4:1 states that men and women are created from a single soul (nafs wahidah). One person does not come before the other, one is not superior to the other, and one is not the derivative of the other. A woman is not created for the purpose of a man. Rather, they are both created for the mutual benefit of each other [Surah an-Nisa' 4:34] - from Wiki.

O mankind, fear your Lord, who created you from one soul and created from it its mate and dispersed from both of them many men and women. [Surah Al-Nisa' 4:1]

And after talking to these people about the topic, they come up with more 'westernised' ideologies to back their arguments against mine. How heterosexuals and homosexuals can live in this world together - basically if the homosexual couples wants to have children, they'd find a surrogate or sperm donor. With the advancement of genetic engineering, a lot of things are possible.

Which reminds me, my favourite character in HIMYM is Barney, and in real life is gay. Married with babies. I guess that shows how the western has accepted the union between same sex individuals.

I guess in many ways this particular organisation that we're talking about is trying to make people aware, and accept that lifestyle. But that is just it, All region in the essence do not accept homosexuality. But over time, somehow there've been Gay churches (gay-friendly churches) that would accept it. And I've read in Britain there's a Gay Mosque (or maybe just a Gay Imaam) that would perform nikah between man and man or woman and woman - to be officially a union in the eyes of Allah. It troubles me to read about that. British gay Muslims seek Islamic weddings.

If we have forgotten what happened to the homosexual people during the time of Prophet Lutt, we'd easily be persuaded by the article to actually believe that it is in fact acceptable. Please be reminded that Allah does not accept and in fact curse the Homosexual way of life.

Please take care of our children. Monitor their behaviour and who they mix with. Ensure that we teach them the appropriate sex roles. Make sure each child has the right model to grow up to be. And most importantly, the right model to grow up to love. Women - the source of comfort and nurture. Men - the source of protection.

Let's try harder. Not just for the sake of our own children, but for the rest of our Muslim family. Let's help each other to Jannah. And let's help each other go far from the Hell fire. We need to care..... for Allah.

Cinta & Perkahwinan

2011-10-06T12:45:00.001+08:00

As requested. According to my most favourite list.

1) Mengendalikan hubungan suami & isteri - Dr Nasoha Saabin

2) Tentang Cinta - Pahrol Mohd Juoi

3) Untukmu Wanita - Zaharuddin Abd Rahman

4) A-Z Tentang Munakahat - Tuan Hj Dr Zahazan Mohamed

Perlu dinotekan, I didn't buy the first book for my own pleasure but as wedding gifts (I bought the last two copies - and somehow couln't find it anywhere else after that). But once I started flipping through, I couldn't stop. And I decided that I want to read it again later in the future and keep it for myself. And the other one I gave my AFHM since she's getting married soon.

Jom jadi wanita yang sollehah so that kite insyallah dapat lelaki yang solleh as suami and semoga kekal hingga ke syurga. Ameen.

P/S - Yang nak kawin and yang dah kawin I promote the first book.

Yang sedang bercinta and baru putus cinta and cinta life terlalu complicated I promote second book.

Yang memang bercita2 nak jadi wanita2 sollehah I promote book 3.

And book 4 is for everyone so that you tahu hukum-hakam munakahat.

Lets smile

2011-10-04T13:23:00.001+08:00

And be our ambitious self of ten years ago. To be worthy of our own dreams and vision. To smile and know that we've come so far and achieved so much. It wouldn't be possible if Allah doesn't show grace, mercy, and abundance of love on us. ALHAMDULILLAH.

Lets work on being our future awesome self now. The future begins now. Let's do it for Allah, to continuously be in His grace and barakah. Heaven is the rightful destination, lets work hard to achieve that. Insyaallah.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Qada' and Qadar

2011-10-03T13:20:00.000+08:00

I've finished reading Tentang Cinta - which is also another amazing book. There's two types of love, the one that will bring you near and opens the door to Jannah (Heaven) and the other will bring you near and opens the door to Jahanam (Hell). Do not love love more than you love the creator of love. So choose wisely.

I have in the past advise some friends who were at cross-roads; to choose the one encouraging them to be near to Allah. But me myself, have yet to be successful, at the particular cross-roads.

Allah is All fair. He will give you what you need and not necessarily what you want. It is only in His grace that what you need and what you want are the same things and thus He shall grant you that. We are only human and our super powers are just as powerful as planning, the actual doing, creating, developing, making are all in His Almighty's power and grace. Allahuakbar.

The fact that there's no ring on my finger, is a constant debate that I always tend to lose. People (married friends and family) come up to me and ask the usual questions, "When are you getting married?". The thing is, NOONE would like to be at the end of that question when the answer is "I Don't Know". It is painful to be asked such questions. As if we're not trying hard enough, or too stupid to know how.

There are other similar questions too, with the same impact -
"When are you going to have children?",
"When are you going to have another baby?",

Most of the time when I'm asked the former question, I'd answer, "Please pray for me", or "Insyallah, soon". Those are the best answers I can find and give without feeling like stabbing the one asking. Most of the time, I'd be calm and cool since I know it's coming thus have prepared myself to it.

But I would like things to change. Seriously, for all the questions above, I think instead of asking, people should pray more. Raise both your hands together and say, "I pray that you'd marry soon to an amazing person who would bring you happiness here and after. Ameen", "I pray that you'd have beautiful babies who would turn out to be solleh and sollehah. Ameen".

Asking those questions, is technically to show that you care and that you love, but most of the time they usually backfire. Especially if you see that person every year and you keep asking the same thing hoping for a different answer. Einstein quated, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". The only thing you can go repititively, hoping for a different answer is pray - even then, sometimes it requires variety and different levels of intensity.

I feel that if these friends and aunties who constantly ask these questions would actually show their love by prayers, it will bring everyone closer together. We don't ask Allah when we're going to die, we simply pray to Him to prolong our stay on earth so that we can do more good, and collect more barakah from Him.

Questions would break people apart - because there's only one answer everyone wish to hear and wish to be able to answer. But prayers is to show the humility of self - it shows that you know we are merely living things, living the course that Allah has set for us. And in order to get what we want is through repentance and prayers. He is the All-Giving, All-Merciful.

So keep praying and intensify your prayers, and definitely less questioning.

When you've been so wrong in the past, you'd figure the right answer is in the Quran. When you've failed many times in the past, you'd figure that the way to success would be written in the Quran.

learning curve

2011-09-25T20:24:00.001+08:00

Learn to accept before you expect.
Learn to give expecting nothing in return.
Seek first to understand before you're understood.
Learn to smile while you're crying.
Seek to be kind always.
Forgive everyone everyday.

Be faithful only to the One. Always say Alhamdulillah for the good, the bad, and the ugly. Allah is forever beautiful.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Empowering

2011-09-16T16:37:00.000+08:00

So many of my friends have started wearing tudung (again). I'm very happy. Mama is very happy. Mama has been sharing the right way to dress booklet. Honestly I'm way too wrong most of the time. Have to try extra harder to dress properly. I've been wearing tudung since Dec 1997. That was the 1st Ramadhan of that year.

Ramadhan has always bring changes. It is a beautiful month. A cleansing month. I miss it already. One of my Ramadhan wish this year would have to be to lose more weight so that I'd look proper and presentable. Buying a whole new range isn't going to be cost effective. Dieting and fasting would be. Wish me luck okay.

My aim is to dress like one of the women in the booklet my mum keep passing to my friends. Kept hearing my brother's words, "Menutup aurat tu tak sama dengan membalut aurat". PEDAS!!

And yes, I'm reading a wonderful book. Sadly I bought the last two copies the bookstore had. I'll try to find more and give it as presents for my friends who are about to get married soon. It is the best book about husband and wife's responsibilities in a Muslim marriage that I've ever read. Memang rasa nak kawin after and during reading the book, provided dapat husband yang awesome like the one in the book lah. Ameen. Insyallah, let's work on becoming solehah first.

Selamat hari raya

2011-09-06T09:49:00.001+08:00

It's been an amazing ramadhan. I achieved the things I set to achieve. And I got so many confusing things to think about. But when I seek His wisdom to show me the way, He always give me the same answer. And I also learn that the almighty is always consistent. Never has He made something bad for us to be the cure or the solution for Illnesses or problems. It is our duty to always find the right (halal) solutions. These are the test of our iman. There may be many solutions or cure to our problems or to achieve our goals. Always find the one that is approved by Allah. Always ask Him when you're in doubt. Always seek His blessings in every decision that you make. That is the source of your confidence. That is the key to success. Like I always said, our super powers are only limited to planning, to make things happen- only He can do it. Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Away

2011-08-23T12:27:00.001+08:00

Al fatihah to those who have left us in this beautiful month, and to those who left us much earlier. When those we love and cared for leave this world, there might be things left unsaid. Usually its words of 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you'. We take people for granted. We take time for granted. Death will happen, that is a promise; when, on the other hand is Allah's secret. Believe in His promises. The remaining days in Ramadhan should bring us closer to Him. Solat is the pillar of Islam. Not performing our solat when we are able to is as good as not being a Muslim. Let us all continue our hardest to be in His grace. May we all meet and be neighbours in Jannah. Let us work harder to find Lailatul-Qadr; it's better than a thousand month!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Sahabat

2011-08-18T14:45:00.001+08:00

I love my friends. All of them. All of you. Semoga mendapat rahmat unggul dibulan mulia ini. Jangan tinggal solat. walaupun Hidup seribu tahun kalau tak sembahyang tak ada gunanya. Give your life meaning. Pray to Allah, tawakal to Allah. He is All giving, All forgiving, All merciful.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Transformasi Ramadhan

2011-08-17T17:09:00.001+08:00

Assalamualaikum all. A beautiful cleansing month mirrors a new fresh phase in life. I'm moving on. Moving on to better things, professionally and other parts of my life as well. If you remember what I said about the picture a year ago, well i've changed it. And if you remember it can only mean one thing- that i'm moving on. Alhamdulillah this amazing month has given me the courage to make the change. I've kept the truth from my friends, I think they still know what's going on. Me in denial. But like I said, i'm moving on. Please help me if I fall okay. I remembered what I said once. Love is a two way street. I've failed to see others who love me, too busy trying to proof to myself that the one I love, loves me back. That is call blind loyalty. So first of all I'd thank beautiful sheila for making me see things through. And I thank the rest of you for all the support and faith you have in me. And specially to ainur, i'm sorry I forgot to listen to my own advise. You're right, I believe you. Happy Ramadhan to all. It is indeed a month of clarity. Thank you Allah for the sight.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Fireworks

2011-08-08T23:53:00.004+08:00

A friend of mine is now one-eye blind because of a random 'mercun' which exploded in front of his eye. He was at the stadium watching the Malaysian vs Singapore match 2 weeks ago. The game hadn't started yet, it happened right after the Negaraku was played. It is definitely a life changing incident. His wife is due to give birth their first daughter within days. Everyone in his life is in total shock.

I've brought him everywhere with me, this friend. My cousins know him, my girlfriends know him.Most of you reading know him. Matjie or Jie is what we all call him.

Attached is a story written by his friend who was with him that night - Rustam Muhamad.

Assalamualaikum,

I feel like sharing with you guys the actual situation that took place during the incident.

(Jazimin (Jie) and I have been friends since in Matriculation and in UKM).

I was sitting right next to him on that very night. In truth, to watch the match together wasn’t in my original plan, but God has a way of His own - we bumped into each other and I decided to join him and Azhari (another friend) then and there (as I couldn’t get ahold of other friends in that chaotic stadium). Before the match started, I asked him a couple of times “Would u like to switch places with me?”.. He replied “It’s alright, I’m fine”. We munched on “kuaci” (sunflower seed) and joked about the possible match scoreline before we rose to sing the National Anthem. Right when “Negaraku” ended, he grabbed my hand. Turning to face him, I remember saying “ Ya Allah, what happened Jie??” and he said “I don’t know!!”..I could see blood trickling down his cheek from his right eye. What worried me even more was that I could see not only red, but white and black fluid oozing as well. I immediately told Azhari (the other friend), and we walked out of the stadium. The stadium was flooded with spectators up till the staircase area. Alhamdulillah, they cooperated by making way for us. We looked for ambulance as soon as we got out of the stadium. When we were inside, Jie could still walk by himself to get out of the stadium. But, he could barely walk when we were outside...I could still remember vividly, he called my name up “Tam! Help me Tam!” while his hands tried to seek for us (either me or Azhari) to help carry him. We were still looking for the ambulance, when, with God’s grace, there was a guy (maybe committee) with a walkie-talkie contacting an ambulance. Jie was about to pass out. Thank God we managed to grab him and leaned him against the police van. Soon enough, St John ambulance arrived and gave Jie basic treatment to stop the heavy bleeding. We were then brought to Malaya University Medical Centre (MUMC). On our way to the hospital, Subhanallah, the pouring blood seemed unstoppable. I used up one and half stack of serviettes to wipe the blood up. Jie asked me to inform his wife. Without knowing how to tell a due-to-deliver-in-2-weeks wife, I was just hoping that I could inform her in the best possible way without making her worry too much. Jie said then that his eye felt so painful. The other friend, Azhari, has started to inform other friends about the incident. As soon as we arrived at MUMC, Jie was rushed into the ICU. His brother and sister reached awhile later. The first doctor that came to look at his eye said that the explosion did not hit his eye ball. However his nerve may be affected. Doctor also mentioned that there was a big cut, but not at the eye ball. We could only pray back then, hoping nothing serious will happen. He underwent a 5 hours surgery at 4 in the morning.

Friday, after work, I went to visit him at MUMC. Nonchalantly, he said that he had lost his right eye. Subhanallah. I almost broke into tears. He also said that his good eye was the one that he just lost, as his other eye suffers from heavy glare. “This is a big test”, he claimed. Thinking of his wife who is about to deliver their first baby makes him sad. I can only pray that he will be strong to face his fate.

I must say that Jie is a strong person. As far as I could remember, from my observation, not even a tear was seen coming out from his eye.

But God loves him very much, as can be seen when so many people turned up to visit since the day of the incident.

Lend our hand to help him by any means that we could. Pray for his happiness and fast recovery.

**Azhari (the other friend) may have his side of story about the incident**

**Apologies if wrong facts are written**

Assalamualaikum

In this beautiful month of Ramadhan, I hope all of you would want to help him in any way you can; prayers, well wishes and so on. For those who would like to contribute financially,

Maybank account number: 164548078671
Account Holder Name: AHMAD JAZIMIN BIN MOHD JALALUDIN

Thank you so much for reading on.

Selamat Berpuasa.

Ramadhan

2011-08-01T18:23:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah, Ramadhan is here. It's a special month. I'm very ambitious this year. I wish to finish reading the whole Quran by month end. I started a week earlier since we all know we don't really have 30 days worth of fasting (and praying and reading the Quran). So far I'm doing okay but not great. Will try harder. I'm on my 6th Juzh now. Will push myself harder.

Big ambition requires big sacrifices, so please don't in anyway feel neglected or ignored by me; it's not about you, it is about me having bigger fish to fry. If you love me, you'd understand and push me harder to achieve my goal.

May this Ramadhan bring us all more peace and happiness. May all our prayers be answered. May all our sins diminish, May our rewards grow exponentially. May we have the courage to Ask Allah all the questions we have inside, and May Allah give and show us all the answers.

It is a month with where all the syaitan are being tied down. It is just us and our desires. So be strong and refrain ourselves from succumbing to our naughty desires. Be strong and choose to perform all the extra prayers this month has given us the right to perform. Collect all the reward we can, simply because we don't know when our last day will be, and because this may be the last Ramadhan we will get to see.

Be grateful for everything that we have. Be grateful for everything that we don't have - there is beauty in there; for Allah knows what we really need and what is good for us when we know neither. Alhamdulillah for this beautiful month.

I wish you all, all the best. May success be with us. Ameen.

Special Dedication

2011-07-24T21:19:00.002+08:00

Congratulaions buat sahabat paling lama and rapat saya, AFHM.... I am so happy for you.... Next step kene update saya okay (at least 3 months in advance).... I love so much sweetheart....

And thank you so much for all your support... I wish you all the best....