So Good It's Awesome

Best Movies of 2015

2016-01-02T19:08:00.001-06:00

I haven't felt like using this blog in almost a year. Reviewing movies with a backlog so big that it stretches back to early 2014 just isn't practical or fun, mostly because I'm going off of year-and-a-half-old memories to review these movies, most of which I didn't like very much in the first place. Maybe I'll eventually pick it up again. I've toyed with the idea of starting a YouTube channel. I've also toyed (more successfully) with the idea of not starting one.

But... I figured the least that I could do for this dying blog is apply pressure to the wound a bit. Let's prolong its painful death for a while, shall we?

I saw 65 movies this year, 22 of which were released theatrically in 2015. Here they are, in order of release:

Jupiter Ascending
Fifty Shades of Grey
Kingsman: The Secret Service
The DUFF
The Lazarus Effect
Cinderella
It Follows
The Divergent Series: Insurgent
Avengers: Age of Ultron
Mad Max: Fury Road
Insidious: Chapter 3
Jurassic World
Ant-Man
Vacation
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation
The Visit
Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials
Crimson Peak
The Last Witch Hunter
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2
Krampus
Star Wars: The Force Awakens

There are a couple of 2015 movies that I haven't seen yet that I really want to, and ones that would probably make my list (if the hype and my knowledge of my own tastes are any indication), like The Gift and The Martian, off the top of my head. This is just my opinion as of the beginning of 2016 and will certainly change as I see more movies from this year.

5. Avengers: Age of Ultron

Age of Ultron is certainly not Joss Whedon at his best. As a die-hard fan of Whedon's well-constructed characters steeped in familiar, but interesting lore, his big-budget affairs leave a lot to be desired. These are not the kinds of films that I want Joss to be making, but I'm glad that he's the one in charge of them, if that makes any sense. Ultron, like it's predecessor, shine with Whedon's trademark wit, even if it is a bit forced at times. This movie feels very inconsequential, sure, but that isn't unique to this film. The superhero genre has been stagnating for years now. But it takes a talented writer and director to make something so pointless seem so fun.

4. Krampus

I won't lie -- I mostly loved this movie because of Adam Scott. There are some actors that are so sublimely wonderful at playing "the straight man", and Adam Scott (along with Jason Bateman) makes it onto that list easily. I could watch him react incredulously in literally any movie. It just so happens that this one is a darkly comic Christmas horror movie involving a Germanic demon with a long, droopy face. Krampus isn't as clever or memorable as director Michael Dougherty's previous film, Trick 'r Treat, but it does walk the fine line between characters that are annoying and characters that are human. It's a dangerous line, but it does endear us to the characters, making the evil cookies, twisted elves, and demon jack-in-the-box all seem a little bleaker than one might expect, which was an interesting place to take the film.

3. Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

I'm just going to tell you right now -- Mad Max: Fury Road did not make it onto my list, and it's because Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation satisfied me in every way that Fury Road failed. Instead of a plodding repetitive script that focuses far too much on world-building, the newest MI installment instead plays to its strengths: the likability of the lead actors, increasingly ridiculous situations, and a wonderfully charming sense of humor to tie both together. This is a huge action movie full of setpieces, much like Fury Road, but make no mistake -- this script is funny. These actors are funny. This movie is by no means under the impression that it is anything other than what it is: a good time. And come on, if you don't like Tom Cruise, you can stop being my friend now, please. Also, go ahead and take your time machine back to 2005.

2. It Follows

I'm not easily arrested by horror movies. I love the genre, and there is a lot of good to be found in it (some I've yet to find, I'm sure), but there aren't very many movies that I would call truly unsettling. But, from beginning to end, It Follows... just works. The 80s atmosphere echoing John Carpenter, the fantastic group of unknown actors, the slow-burn, and the frightening concept all coalesce to make this one of the best horror movies I've seen in a long, long time. It does indeed follow. It wants you dead. And it has all the time in the world. So it's just going to calmly walk towards you for all eternity. That's terrifying.

1. Star Wars: The Force Awakens

You probably saw this coming. I don't have anything to say about this movie that hasn't been said a million times already. It made me feel like a kid again, and that's something that so few movies are capable of. Like many people my age, the original Star Wars trilogy made a huge impact on my childhood. It made me wish that heroes like Luke Skywalker existed; it's what got me into fantasy in general. I owe a lot of my personality to A New Hope, and this glorified remake is exactly what I wanted from a continuation of the original trilogy: more of what made the originals so endearing and memorable. More lovable characters, more impossible odds, more tragedy, more excitement, more magic. For someone that has spent years trying to avoid become an adult, movies that vindicate that misguided choice are always welcome. Plus, BB-8 is a little cutie.

I don't know when I'll update again. Maybe I'll check out this "YouTube" thing and see what all the hubbub is about. Maybe I won't. I'm not very good at New Years resolutions.

Divergent (2014) - Review

2015-03-27T15:07:00.001-05:00

The Hunger Games ignited a new type of Young Adult novel adaptation. Something more dangerous than Twilight, the stakes much higher and the trauma much more realistic. Dystopian future stuff. Cautionary tales about a world that has destroyed itself because of pointless wars. And it’s not just a Battle Royale rip-off, although there are a lot of similarities. For a kids’ series, it’s actually pretty daring. So of course it stands to reason that there would be a few knock-offs as well. Enter Divergent.

Divergent isn’t strictly a rip-off, it just has a lot in common with The Hunger Games. There’s a strong yet deeply troubled heroine, a twisted regime to topple, sections of people with different cultures (called Factions here rather than Districts), and of course, a tepid love story. But where The Hunger Games can back up most of its generic plot points with good actors and an interesting aesthetic, Divergent remains middle-of-the-road in all accounts.

The actors are fine, but there are no standouts at all, unlike the wonderful J-Law, Woody Harrelson, Elizabeth Banks, Stanley Tucci, etc... I do really like Tony Goldwyn though as the dad. The plot is serviceable but not exceptional in any way. The gimmick in this film rather than death games are intense and surreal dream sequences that pose as tests to determine what Faction you belong to. Each Faction represents a certain personality trait, and those that could potentially belong to multiple Factions is considered Divergent and a threat to society. So basically if you’re a normal human, then you’re totally boned.

While I feel like there are interesting points to be made about the government, eugenics, “Factionless” (this world’s version of bums), and more, this film doesn’t delve into anything in a very interesting way. Instead it clings to a fairly typical blockbuster structure without caring enough to go any deeper.

It’s frustrating when you can see good ideas under the surface of a very average film. But ironically this film is just as one-dimensional as the characters from each Faction. Better not let them have more than one personality trait! That’s too confusing.

Mamma Mia! (2008) - Review

2015-03-25T14:00:00.000-05:00

Oh Mamma Mia... here we go (again).

While I’m unfamiliar with the musical and am not a fan of ABBA by any stretch of the imagination, I thought this could be alright. I like Amanda Seyfried well enough – her voice sounded lovely in Les Mis. But this movie... wow. In a midst of cartoonishly over-the-top acting, terrible songs, and a barely plodding storyling, this movie just drowns under the weight of its awful.

The songs. Oh God, the songs. We get the single good song in the movie right at the beginning (Honey Honey) which was kind of nice of the writers, I suppose. There are a couple of other decent ones like the title track and Dancing Queen, but most of the songs are either complete garbage, or just plain bizarre. Sometimes both.

The one I remember the most is The Winner Takes It All, which is maybe one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard. From a jarring chord progression to lyrical gems such as:

The winner takes it all
The loser's standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

Here’s a free tip, songwriters: never use the word “win” in a song. I don’t know what it is, but it always sounds childish and stupid. Muse does it a lot.

Besides the songs we have some awful acting. None of the main cast, they’re all fine, it’s mostly the two friends of Meryl Streep. I get that they’re comedic relief, but Jesus Christ they act like they’re in a 30s serial. I just wanted them to die, but maybe I had already been tainted by these torturous songs.

The storyline is pretty standard: woman has three suitors and she’s gotta choose just one. Hardly the depth of Les Mis or Sweeney Todd, now is it? It wouldn’t be so bad if we cared about any of the characters, but while most of the cast is alright, nobody elevates the script enough to make you care about anyone.

And that sums up Mamma Mia pretty well: I just didn’t care about any of it (other than when I was being bombarded with godawful music).

Penelope (2006) - Review

2015-03-24T14:00:00.000-05:00

As it has shown a bit in other reviews, you maybe can tell that I’m not a huge fan of kids’ movies. I’m of the opinion that you can treat a kid like an actual person instead of resorting to lowest-common-denominator comedy like so many children’s films tend to do. Luckily Penelope is refreshingly quirky, heavily stylized, kind of adorable, and above all, not stupid.

While this isn’t exactly a kids’ movie per se, it’s innocent enough, has a low rating with nothing really objectionable, and plays everything rather safely. It’s got a princess of sorts who must go through suitors until she finds her one true love. It’s all very fairy tale. Luckily the stylization of the movie works in its credit helping push the fairy tale aspect to the forefront and ultimately make the film more interesting because of it.

Christina Ricci is completely adorable as the titular Penelope even with her pig nose. Oh yeah, I didn’t tell you? The main character’s problem is that she has a pig nose, which in the grand scheme of things is not that bad. Our dashing hero trying to win her this evening will be played by James McAvoy, who does a good job in just about everything I’ve seen him in, and this also stars a pre-Tyrion Lannister, evil Peter Dinklage as the bad guy trying to expose Penelope to the world.

Still pretty fetching actually.

The only issue with the movie is that it gives off a pretty weird message to kids. Spoilers: she doesn’t keep the pig nose – it disappears by the end of the movie. Yeah, don’t worry kids, if you feel okay with yourself, then all your deformities will go away! And it’s kind of weird that the couple doesn’t get together until after she’s super pretty Christina Ricci again. Sure, he kisses her while he still thinks she has the pig nose... but it’s still a bit confused.

Other than that, Penelope is a pretty charming film with a charming cast and is much more appealing than most of the modern kids’ movies you’ll find.

Ender's Game (2013) - Review

2015-03-23T14:00:00.000-05:00

Not much to say about this one. I suppose I could go into a rant about how Orson Scott Card is a complete piece of homophobic human garbage that deserves to be throttled with spiked dongs for the rest of eternity. Or I could do my usual “this is an average movie” thing. Or I could compare this to Starship Troopers. I wish this movie had made me mad or something. I hate giving average reviews to completely middle-of-the-road movies. The ones that really shine are the glowing reviews and the lowest of the low.

Alright. Ender’s Game. Little kid named Ender is chosen by – oh my God, Orson Scott Card is trash. Just total trash. Hold on, let me find some quotes from this asshole.

· “The dark secret of homosexual society — the one that dares not speak its name — is how many homosexuals first entered into that world through a disturbing seduction or rape or molestation or abuse, and how many of them yearn to get out of the homosexual community and live normally.”

· “There is a myth that homosexuals are ‘born that way,’ and we are pounded with this idea so thoroughly that many people think that somebody, somewhere, must have proved it.”

· “No matter how sexually attracted a man might be toward other men, or a woman toward other women, and no matter how close the bonds of affection and friendship might be within same-sex couples, there is no act of court or Congress that can make these relationships the same as the coupling between a man and a woman.”

Oh and there are more. Waaaaay more. That’s a special kind of douchebag there. If you seriously hold those beliefs, then just go kill yourself and do the rest of the progressive world a favor.

One day, YOU will be Indiana Jones, son, not Shia

Oh yeah, this is a movie review. It’s whatever. Nobody cares. Just go watch Starship Troopers instead. It’s got a similar human VS. bug concept, but injects everything with incredible levels of satire and over-the-top jingoism. Everyone is having a great time and it’s actually nothing like this, I guess. Starship Troopers is fun.

No one here is enjoying themselves. Harrison Ford still gives a good performance, but this role doesn’t exactly give him that much to do. Literally everyone else is unmemorable and I didn’t care about any of them. I guess the main kid looks like a young Rivers Cuomo, so that’s kind of cool. Let me know when he busts out a verse from Say It Ain’t – I’m sorry, I can’t get over how awful Orson Scott Card is.

Don’t support Orson Scott Card in any way. This movie is alright, but don’t watch it.

Thor: The Dark World (2013) - Review

2015-03-22T14:00:00.000-05:00

Non-Avengers Marvel films tend to be not especially great. There are some exceptions of course, but for the most part, it always seems like they’re just building up to that next huge tentpole movie. For the most part, I’m okay with that. Let Joss Whedon do his giant action movie with witty dialogue thing and leave the setup to the other guys.

Whereas Kenneth Branagh helmed the first installment in the Thor franchise, this one goes to Alan Taylor, a TV director who has done a lot of HBO work along with several Game of Thrones episodes. That’s good enough for me! It’s pretty. I think. I don’t really remember, to be honest. Asgard is an interesting looking place in its inspirations, but there’s really no focus placed on the aesthetic or anything.

No, these are pumped out to the masses, so it’s gotta have enough of everything to keep even the dumbest people entertained. It does that fairly well, I suppose, with a new villain race that at least is a cool concept: dark elves. That’s all there really is to the story – evil guys want McGuffin, good guys don’t want them to have it, etc.

Whoa, he can smile!

The action sequences are so forgettable that I... well, I forgot about them. I don’t remember anything cool happening, other than Zachary Levi looking awesome in the Asgard scenes. The cast is fine. Chris Hemsworth is Thor to a tee and a great actor to boot. Same goes for Natalie Portman and Tom Hiddleston, minus the part where they’re Thor. Everybody else is whatever, except for Kat Dennings. She sucks.

This movie is fine, because it was structured to be fine. It was made in such a way that everybody could enjoy it but nobody will love it. There’s nothing wrong it with other than it is perfectly unambitious and content to do nothing interesting.

Frozen (2013) - Review

2015-03-21T14:00:00.000-05:00

Controversial opinion time! Frozen is a bad movie. Not just a bad Disney movie, but a truly bad movie. I’m sure it doesn’t help that everyone fawned over it for a year about how great it was before I finally got around to seeing it. I was, needless to say, not impressed. But I don’t really think I have much of an argument against it. Well, maybe a couple.

First off, the songs are bad. Yeah, you heard me. Let It Go? That’s a terrible song. For the First Time in Forever is a generic “I want moooooore” Disney Princess song (but not half as interesting as Part of Your World or I Won’t Say I’m in Love), and don’t get me started on Fixer Upper, which is one of the worst Disney movie songs this side of Princess and the Frog.

Of all the musical numbers, only Do You Want to Build a Snowman and Love Is an Open Door make an impression, both being catchy and cute. Kristen Bell has a lovely voice, but there’s something about the twangy upper register of Idina Menzel’s that rubs me completely the wrong way. She sounds like Dolly Parton, which is not something you want in any circumstance.

I'm just as surprised as you Anna.

Hm, positives, positives. Let’s see... Alan Tudyk has a minor part, so that satisfied my Whedon itch a bit, but he doesn’t even sing. What a letdown. That’s the real reason this movie gets two stars out of five.

The animation is also a bit suspect – it looks kind of plastic-y. It’s basically the same style as Tangled, but that movie got away with it due to the stellar cast, likable characters, and decent songs. The characters in this are... just ugh. Elsa is not only utterly selfish but also a complete idiot. Anna is fine, but they had to pair her with a complete lunkhead? And that’s not even touching the sidekick snowman character, Olaf. Oh jeez.

If you’re looking for a new-ish Disney movie, stick with Tangled or Wreck-It Ralph. Neither are as good as Disney’s heyday (in my opinion, they peaked in the 90s) but they’re far better kids’ films than this. Or you could be a good parent and show them The Lion King instead.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - The Freshman - S04E01 Review

2015-03-19T14:00:00.000-05:00

THE FRESHMAN
SEASON 4 EPISODE 1

Oh man, Season Four is finally here! This is where the show started to lose a lot of people, as it begins to focus more on darker themes (not that the High School Era didn’t have plenty of darkness to go around) and split the Scoobies up to some degree. Everyone is sort of off doing their own thing, which is a shame in some ways because it means that a lot of the group dynamic is less prominent but it’s cool to see who the characters are outside of their friendships with each other. With that out of the way, let’s get started!

We open up in the graveyard in traditional Buffy fashion where the Buffster and Willow are simultaneously waiting for a vampire to rise and trying to choose college courses for their freshman year. While they’re talking, the vampire crawls out of the ground behind them, notices it’s the slayer, and runs away in comedic fashion. After the credits, we get Buffy at orientation and... jeez, UC Sunnydale is incredibly disorganized. They group people together by folder color? And have no other system for telling them besides yelling at small groups ineffectually? She also hears some protest groups and nabs some party flyers from some creepers. That’s definitely not how college works.

She finally runs into Willow and Oz and realizes that they really shine in the college situation, whereas Buffy feels completely out of place. I feel like that pretty accurately represents how I felt in college (before I started my online degree). I basically kept my head down and never talked to anyone the entire time just because I felt so uncomfortable there. Buffy catches very few breaks this episode; Oz and Will don’t even laugh at her jokes, which are pretty funny! I hate when people don’t laugh at funny jokes. GRRR.

On the way to the (way too beautiful for the size of the school) library, Buffy and Willow talk about our missing cast. Giles is unemployed and apparently loving it, and geographically challenged Xand-Man is on a road trip to visit all fifty states. Then they head to the book store, where Buffy drops an uncomfortable line:

Buffy: I can’t wait until mom gets the bill for these books. I hope it’s a funny aneurysm.

There’s a big arc in Season 5 which will explain why that’s so foreshadow-y and almost certainly on purpose, seeing as how this episode was penned by Joss himself. Buffy (literally) runs into the obligatory new love interest now that Angel’s gone. This bland hunk of a man is none other than Riley. Lots of people hate Riley. He’s fine, he’s just not very interesting is all. I gots no problem with him. Turns out he’s the TA in their new Psych class so we’ll be seeing a lot more of him.

When Buffy finally gets to her new dorm, she’s greeted by her roommate Kathy. Kathy is really annoying, but this is on purpose and will be resolved next episode, so don’t worry about her. Also, I never lived in a dorm room, but this seems really huge. The next day, in Buffy’s pop culture class she gets yelled at by the douchiest douche professor in Douchonia. I’ve never had a teacher that acted like this, but it seems like he would be very lowly rated on RateMyTeacher. For some reason, this is one of the most uncomfortable scenes in the whole series for me.

She gets to Psych and we meet Maggie Walsh, who will be important later, but for now is mostly just there to exposit metaphors to the audience for a few episodes. She goes on about how Psych 101 is a hard class. No, it’s really not. Later that night, Buffy gets lost and runs into a guy named Eddie on her way ba—wait. Is that Pedro Pascal? It is! Oberyn Martell himself! Weird. Despite him having a couple of odd line readings, I think they have surprisingly good chemistry. Sadly he’s killed as soon as Buffy leaves by our villain of the week, Sunday. No, that’s not a dumb play on words, her name is actually Sunday.

The next day in class, she looks for Eddie, but can’t find him and finds out that he “took off” but left the novel that he talked about at great length. She knows something’s up. Why the vamp gang took everything except that book, I do not know. Man, these vampires are annoying. People always comment on this villain of the week in a positive light... she’s awful. Not to mention sidekick vamps fatty girl and stoner surfer guy. Spoilers: they all die this episode.

Buffy goes to Giles and finds a British woman named Olivia wearing just one of his shirts, yikes, Giles gets laid! Creepy! Buffy freaks out in the cutest way about seeing them post-coital and eventually she basically gets rebuffed by Giles when he says that she doesn’t need him anymore. That night, she finds a vamped-out Eddie and kills him, then gets beaten up by Sunday and her gang. This is supposed to signify that she’s out of her element and less powerful because she’s on her own, but mostly I just wonder why she can’t take this bitch. Buffy’s arm gets sprained and she runs away to avoid being eaten. More really annoying banter between Sunday’s gang. Ugh.

Buffy heads home where she discovers that her room is being used for stuff from Joyce’s gallery. Do you get it?! They’re stripping everyone away from her so that she can come back bigger and stronger. A little on the nose, but hey, it works. Ooh, here’s a fun thing: Buffy gets a phone call at her house and answers only to hear silence on the other line. This is paid off in the first episode of Angel where he calls her and can’t find the words to say to her. I wish they had done more tie-in stuff like this, actually.

She gets back to her dorm to find that all of her stuff has been pinched by the gang. So she heads to the saddest place in the show: the Bronze! She wanders around for a while before she runs into Xander, who is back from his failed road trip. Then he gives her a really sweet speech (and says Avengers Assemble, which is funny in hindsight) about how he’s always looked up to her and would gladly help her in her time of need. There are always these sliver of romantic feelings between them that I wish were delved into a bit more, but alas it’s not meant to be.

They do some research and find the location of the gang’s hideout and decide to go do some recon. Xander goes to get Oz and Willow and they all head to help Buffy. Buffy climbs up on the roof to get a better look, but falls through the glass right into their living room. Sunday then breaks her class protector umbrella, making Buffy mad enough to fight back. The gang busts in and kill annoying surfer vamp while a couple get away, and Buffy finally kills Sunday. Giles shows up, feeling bad about not helping the Buffster and re-stakes his loyalty to her.

One of the vamps that got away sneaks through the woods but is then tased and dragged away by a couple of army guys, and then credits!

I’ve got to admit, this is not one of my favorite openers. I do like the Buffy/Xander stuff, but for the most part not a lot happens despite Sarah Michelle Gellar giving a great performance throughout. The main arc for this season isn’t the best, but it has some fantastic episodes just like any other season.

ATM (2012) - Review

2015-03-18T14:00:00.000-05:00

I don’t even know what to say about this movie. It was that boring.

Hmm... synopsis, I guess? Does anyone really care though? Fine, whatever. Three co-workers go to an ATM, then they get locked in by a mystery man in a fur coat that tries to kill them for 80 minutes.

You’ve got your ten minutes of character “building” setup, 79 minutes of boring thriller wankery, and a last minute twist that means nothing.

You know what? This movie sucks so much that I’m going to spoil the twist. Alright, so the killer frames the last surviving guy for the death of the other two characters (one of whom is a skinny Josh Peck). Then the last scene shows the hooded man go back to his warehouse or whatever and we see that he has a bunch of other plans for more random attack like this.

WOW! What a twist! Actually no, that doesn’t mean anything to me. Is it supposed to be spooky because this kind of proves that it’s a completely random attack? Well it’s not, because this whole movie is so vapid and dumb that I wasn’t caring about anything. I was just hoping for someone to deliver dialogue poorly or overact or something. There’s not even much of that though. Yuck.

You lost the weight, but you'll never find a good film! MWAHAHA

I can’t be bothered to spend more time on this than I have to, so I’m not going to look up the budget. But if it was over like a million dollars, then... come on, guys? What are you doing with your lives? Who wrote this and how did you get this crap greenlit and actually made? Because it’s a piece of garbage and I want to make a living writing shitty movies too for next to no effort.

Sorry Josh Peck, better luck next time.

Carrie (2013) - Review

2015-03-17T14:00:00.000-05:00

Chloe Grace Moretz is amazing. She takes this completely unnecessary, and plainly inferior remake that treads way too closely to the original film and manages to almost save it. Granted, it’s still an entirely average film in most ways, but Chloe is totally mesmerizing as the titular Carrie. She’s simultaneously adorable, creepy, and pitiful, knowing exactly when to emphasize one over the other. She is the reason this movie works as well as it does.

Nobody quite measures up to Moretz in sheer intensity, but Julianne Moore does her damnedest as Carrie’s wacko mother, and Judy Greer does a respectable job as the one friendly teacher in the school. The problem with this film is that most of it simply treads too much of the same ground as the original without bringing anything new to the table.

The one exception to this is the climactic prom scene and the aftermath, which does expand a bit on the carnage and Carrie’s complete and utter meltdown (SPOILER, but not really). This scene, despite the cheesy CGI, is at least marginally interesting and provides a different avenue than the all-too-similar first and second acts of the film.

I suppose it wouldn’t have been as noticeable if I hadn’t watched the original only a few days earlier, but there’s really only one reason to watch this version over the original: Chloe Grace Moretz. As with most remakes, or reimaginings, as they sometimes prefer to be called, this winds up feeling totally unneeded and ultimately a bit pointless, despite the fact that it is indeed well-made.

Before the movie came out, I remember reading an article in which this movie was described as an origin story to a twisted Carrie superhero series. Now that I think I could be into. But that’s such a weird concept. That’s like saying “OK, we’re remaking The Shining, but it’s going to basically be the pilot for our new hotel sitcom!”

Jack Torrance: I’m not gonna hurt you – I’m just gonna bash your brains in!

*audience laughs*

TiMER (2009) - Review

2015-03-16T14:00:00.000-05:00

This might come as a shock to you, but I love Buffy. I love just about everything about it, including its excellent cast. I love Emma Caulfield. She’s cute and funny and adorable. That’s the only reason I watched TiMER on Netflix. Let it be known, Emma Caulfield sells tickets! Put her in more movies (and better ones than Darkness Falls).

TiMER is one of those weird, high-concept movies that just presents you with this bizarre conceit and asks you to roll with it. In this case, it’s a matchmaking device that can predict with accuracy exactly when you’ll meet your soulmate. It’s an interesting premise, but not one that really makes sense. Kind of like any time travel movie where it says “we know time travel isn’t possible, but just go with us for a minute, the rest of the science will make some semblance of sense).

You're not gonna do better than Xander, babe.

Without giving too much away, because this IS a movie worth seeing, this is a surprisingly poignant tale about doomed romances. What would you do if these actually existed? If you and your loved ones got timers, and you found out that you were dating or married to the wrong person? Would you still try to make it work or would you submit to fate?

I personally don’t believe in fate, nor concede to the idea that such timers are possible, but it does pose an interesting question. Just how foolproof are these things? I like to think that I would say “Fate be damned, I want what I want” but I don’t know.

But it’s just cool that this movie got me thinking even that much. Asides from those core questions, there’s some really sad and funny stuff littered throughout this otherwise typical rom-com. It’s definitely better than the more standard fare, and come on, Anya being nice is weird and cool to see.

Silver Linings Playbook (2012) - Review

2015-03-15T14:00:00.000-05:00

I may have something wrong with me. Some kind of mental illness. Whether it’s depression or bipolar disorder, or one of those less popular ones that involves a heaping helping of anxiety and mood swings but none of the truly crazy stuff like schizophrenia. Regardless, there’s something a little off in my head and it makes me sad and that’s okay sometimes. Sometimes it’s less okay, but that’s neither here nor there.

This is a film about two messed up people finding love in the world. That in itself is pretty sweet. But hey, when you add in the fact that it’s J-Law and Bradley Cooper, well that’s even better! I feel like this movie is actually kind of standard for such an Oscar-filled movie, seeing as it got eight nods, but at its core it’s just a beautiful romance with a dash of character study.

I’m not that familiar with David O. Russell’s work. Three Kings is pretty good, I hated The Fighter, and I haven’t seen anything else he’s done. I noticed that this retains some of the stark, open shots that the previous two films contained and it works in the film’s favor to showcase Pat’s (Cooper) illness as we see his illness as well as what triggers it. The direction implies a lot of “unknown, outside world” which I feel integrates well into the two lead characters that are looking so inwardly in self-loathing.

Speaking of, Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper kill these roles completely and utterly. If this movie doesn’t convince you that Cooper’s a fantastic leading man, then I don’t know what would. And this is J-Law’s meatiest role to date, and she’s knocks it out of the park with a volatile yet vulnerable edge.

While there is a running sports theme that I can’t identify with, I can relate to the overall feeling of obsession. Finding that thing that you feel comfortable with, that thing that keeps you grounded so you don’t burn the village down. That’s the only thing that has really gotten me through rough patches, and I imagine it’s what will get me through those still to come.

For me, media is my escape. Movies, TV shows, video games, music... I get lost in the sea of things that make me feel feelings. Silver Linings Playbook is one of those things. You made me feel feelings, damn it.

Cinderella (2015) - Review

2015-03-14T14:00:00.000-05:00

I’ve said this before, but I have no love for Cinderella. It was made at a time when ridiculously simplistic plots (which are somehow still unbelievable – I’ll never know who this girl is by her face... only by this slipper!) was A-OK, but that’s really no longer the case. No matter how good the new Cinderella remake looks, and it looks damn good, you can’t substitute gorgeous visuals for a lack of interesting story.

First, the good things. Kenneth Branagh (yes, that one) is a wonderful director, and this is an incredibly well-shot movie. Everything looks gorgeous (including our two lead actors, man that’s an attractive couple!) and Branagh does his job well. It’s just too bad that screenwriter Chris Weitz couldn’t put in the same level of effort. This is a simple retelling of Cinderella. No frills, no expansion, not much of anything new, really. If you were wanting the cartoon, except put it in live-action, then you’ll be very pleased.

CGI'd waist or incredibly unhealthy diet? You be the judge!

There ARE vague attempts to humanize some of the more shallow characters like the Prince and the stepmother, but they are mostly half-hearted, and the weight falls to the actors. Luckily, the acting is very solid – but the standout goes to Game of Thrones alum Richard Madden. The guy’s a great actor, and single-handedly carries the most emotional scene in the film (his dad’s death) with subtlety and vulnerability. It also helps that, despite not sharing the screen with each other for long, he and Lily James have good chemistry together which helps to solidify a relationship that’s tenuous at best.

Unfortunately the movie is mostly just pretty boring. It’s nice to look at, but there’s not much underneath the spectacle. To remake something, you really need to put a spin on it, and it seems that the “spin” was simply doing the same movie in live-action, albeit toned down slightly. I mean, the mice are still anthropomorphic and still basically talk, but don’t literally speak English. So, slightly.

But these days slightly isn’t good enough. Don’t remake a film if it’s not going to be different than the original (our buddies Vince Vaughn and Gus Van Sant taught us that). And I personally don’t think Cinderella is a thing worth retelling. Especially over. And over, and over, and over.

The Host (2013) - Review

2015-03-12T14:00:00.000-05:00

Say what you want about the Twilight movies, but they’re really really funny. I (thanks to Goodwill) am even now a proud owner of the Twilight board game! The Twilight series is incompetent in just about every conceivable way. It’s easy to pin a lot of that blame on the author of the original work, Stephanie Meyer, and after having seen the adaptation of her other movie, The Host, I’m inclined to agree. Either way, it’s clear that whoever had their hands in this movie had no idea what a three-act structure is, because this is a bizarrely terrible, meandering mess.

A quick trip to IMDb has told me that this was written for the screen and directed by Andrew Niccol, who brought us Gattaca and Lord of War, plus he wrote The Truman Show. That’s not a bad lineup actually, so I’m tending to lean towards Stephanie Meyer just sucks, but I haven’t read the book, so the jury’s out on that.

It’s not like the actors are helping. To combat the alien “menace” (which is another problem I have that I’ll get back to) we have several unknowns. The only actor I even recognized was Diane Kruger from the National Treasure series and Inglorious Basterds.

"Please God, get us out of this awful mess!"

Well, I take that back, Adam Milligan from Supernatural was also in this - he’s okay actually. Saoirse Ronan, our Shailene Woodley for the day, doesn’t do terribly most of the time, but there are several weird scenes where she has conversations with herself in her head (which only makes marginally more sense in the film) that are really forced and embarrassing to watch.

Okay, here’s my bigger problem with the plot: yeah, the aliens are basically killing all the humans. So what? From the scenes that show the aliens interacting with each other, I don’t know why we shouldn’t let them. They function much better as a species with much more compassion and understanding for each other than humans do. Just let them take over, because all the humans in this movie are annoying as hell.

The biggest issue with this movie is that it’s not funny. It just isn’t. The acting is fairly bad, the script is beyond terrible, and the pacing is a total joke, but I’m not laughing. Twilight has awkwardness to hang its hat on, but this can’t even do that right. It may have been the worst movie I saw in 2014. If not, it’s at least Top 2. Steer clear.

Spirited Away (2001) - Review

2015-03-11T14:00:00.000-05:00

I’m still a newbie when it comes to Miyazaki, having only seen Howl’s Moving Castle and today’s review. I know, I know, I’m missing a ton of classics, and I DO plan on seeing them at some point.

Because let’s be honest: even having only seen these two movies, I can tell that what Miyazaki does is something special. As much as I adore Evangelion, even it can’t cram so much emotion and expression into a single frame as a Miyazaki film.

I’m not even going to try to explain this film’s plot – there would be no point. The movie is drenched in symbolism and insane (and at times, quite creepy, much like Howl’s Moving Castle) imagery and I haven’t seen this enough to do a real analysis.

I don't get it either, just roll with it

I don’t know what exactly it is about Miyazaki movies that are so enthralling but the way that he is able to infuse so much emotion into character design and nuanced animation never ceases to amaze me. This amazing direction is bolstered by a very good dub and fun characters, although not quite as good as How’s Moving Castle’s. In regards to Howl, I feel like this is not only a more complicated experience, but also one that doesn’t quite resonate with me in the same way.

If you’re only going to watch one Miyazaki movie, I’d say make it Howl’s Moving Castle. But... if you like what you see, then give Spirited Away a watch because it’s an interesting, charming, and occasionally intense experience that’s quite unlike anything I’ve ever seen before.

The Starving Games (2013) - Review

2015-03-10T14:00:00.000-05:00

What else is there to say about parody movies that hasn’t already been said? Probably nothing, but I’m going to retread it again anyway. This particular gem is a Seltzerberg production, the guys that brought us Date Movie, Meet the Spartans, and yes, even Epic Movie! If that previous sentence didn’t steer you away, then allow me to be perfectly clear: THIS MOVIE BLOWS. But you knew that. Everybody knows that parody movies suck (not to be confused with the terribad Twilight parody Vampires Suck).

Wow looks almost as good as the real thing.

If you’ve seen The Hunger Games (and a handful of other blockbusters) then you’ve seen this. There are no laughs to be had, although the lead actress does a pretty solid Jennifer Lawrence impression. She has none of the talent or likability as J-Law, of course, but she kind of looks and sounds like her, so TWO THUMBS UP.

This movie has an “Annoying Orange” spoof in it, for the love of god. If you know what Annoying Orange is, then you should know how grave of an offense this is. If not, then please for the love of shit do NOT look it up.

I don’t really have anything else to say about this movie. I hate it. And I hope you read this, Seltzerberg. Your movies suck, guys.

Extract (2009) - Review

2015-03-09T14:00:00.000-05:00

Saying you like Office Space is like saying, “Why yes, good sir, I do enjoy comedy. And humor, too.” It’s one of the most classic films from the 90s and holds up pretty well today. Idiocracy turned up the “humanity is stupid” dial that, while certainly present in Office Space, was toned down to an acceptable level. Idiocracy was fine, but it lacked a certain subtlety that Office Space had in spades. And, well, I can’t say anything good about Beavis and Butt-Head or King of the Hill.

Cut to Extract, which came out just a few years after Idiocracy. I feel like this is the movie that fits most, at least tonally, with Office Space, in the Mike Judge oeuvre. Instead of focusing on white-collared jobs, Extract focuses more on blue-collared ones, as well as a great many other things such as extortion and adultery, using the same sardonic lens that Judge so masterfully used in his seminal classic.

And now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything...

It helps that the cast is fantastic, albeit a bit starrier than Office Space (seriously I get excited when I see Ron Livingston in a movie nowadays). Jason Bateman, one of the best straight men out there, gives a wonderfully restrained performance amidst some really crazy ones by Mila Kunis, Ben Affleck and Kristen Wiig.

Office Space had a very specific purpose, and unfortunately Extract is nowhere near as focused or committed to its ‘message’, but that doesn’t hurt the movie too much because classic Judge humor is here and the actors make it work brilliantly. Its biggest foe is actually Office Space itself, as nothing in Judge’s filmography will ever touch its combination of acerbic humor and mundane setting. But for what it’s worth, Extract gives it a run for its money.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Season 3 - Review

2015-03-08T14:00:00.000-05:00

SEASON 3

Ah, the last of the high school years. This is definitely the most mature season before the shift towards college in Season Four, and I feel that it both thrives and suffers due to that. If you ask me what I think about this season, it tends to vary wildly depending on my mood. On the one hand, it has terrific standalones and, on an episode-by-episode basis, some of the strongest in the series. However, the main arc leaves much to be desired and comes off to me as kind of a letdown after the stellar arc from Season Two.

First things first: the villains. Let’s face it, they were never going to top the double header of Spike/Dru in the first half of Season Two, and Angelus in the latter half. It was just never going to happen. So they went a different route entirely. The Mayor is this looming force over the entire season (and even a bit in Season Two as well, almost certainly in setup for what was to come) and rarely comes into contact with Buffy himself. This makes him a much, MUCH less personal villain than Angelus was, therefore Faith was needed to fill that gap. She does a good job as being the personal villain while doing it in a different way than Angelus did, and that’s to the shows credit. Where the arc fails is when it comes to showing Faith’s decline into evil. It has always felt sort of forced to me. After she kills the deputy in the alley during Bad Girls, she kind of just switches to “Yep, I’m super evil now” mode, and that always rang false to me, and this season gives little closure on that. It is handled much better in Season Four and Season One of Angel, but it’s a pretty dangly loose end for this season to leave.

The main characters get quite a bit to work with, luckily, and even the secondary characters (both new and old) get good material. While I’ve never liked how everyone handled Buffy’s leaving and return to Sunnydale, at least it gives her some emotional baggage which doesn’t really get resolved until it comes out that Angel has returned from Hell. The tryst between Xander and Willow always felt very natural to me and luckily got Xander and Cordy set on their path, as well as developed Oz more as a character. Giles gets to play around with being fired from the council and also dealing with his betrayal to Buffy in Helpless. Of the main characters, only Cordy and Angel feel misused, and this probably attributed a lot to them both migrating to another show, where they both flourish more than they ever did on Buffy (Angel’s stint as Angelus notwithstanding).

Whereas Season Two is literally full of highlights, I feel like the best episodes of this season are much more defined. My top five for this season are: The Zeppo, Dopplegangland, Amends, The Wish, and Earshot. The Zeppo is one of my favorite episodes of the entire series, and the remaining four (exempting maybe Earshot as just a great episode and not a near perfect one) are definitely Top 20 material.

There aren’t a lot of below par episodes this season but I feel like they clunk a lot harder than Season One or Two. They don’t have fun cheesiness to fall back on and episodes like Dead Man’s Party, Beauty and the Beasts, Revelations, Gingerbread, and Consequences don’t hold up as well as “bad” Season One and Two episodes. I of course say this with the caveat that there are no bad Buffy episodes, and even the worst episodes of the series are better than most television.

Overall, Season Three is very good, but feels like a bit of a disappointment after the emotional highs of Season Two. I’m certainly biased because the previous season is my absolute favorite of the series, but removing that from the equation, this is still one of the better seasons of the show objectively, it just might not be one of my favorites. If that makes sense.

****

Paranormal Activity 4 (2012) - Review

2015-03-07T14:00:00.000-06:00

After a string of super successful, super low-budget horror movies, Paranormal Activity 4 finally broke the proverbial camel’s back. People were NOT feeling this one, and I can see why. The scares are weaker, the conceit of having a camera in every room is pretty ridiculous, and... no, that’s about it. Other than that, it’s pretty much exactly like every other Paranormal Activity movie.

Paranormal Activity 3 was my personal favorite of the bunch, but this one isn’t nearly as bad as some people have said. In fact, I think it’s better than the second installment (and probably better than that terrible-looking Marked Ones that only made it fifteen minutes into) due to a strong cast. The two leads are actually really good, especially for relatively young actors, the creepy kid is creepy, and the parents are fine despite their characters being complete idiots that you actively want to die.

The movie’s missteps lie in its script, which does little to justify the film’s existence. This should have really ended at two. Okay, three is a prequel, I can dig it, but four? This movie is just kind of pointless and retcons things from Paranormal Activity 2 to a point where the whole series is needlessly confusing now.

I feel slightly pervy right now.

The gimmicks in this one are also pretty lame. While I loved the moving camera in PA 3, the Kinect angle here is just not very effective, and of course the movie (like all of the others) suffers from a severe case of Rushed Ending Syndrome in which everyone is unceremoniously killed off so we can hurry up and get to the credits.

Overall this is not a very good movie, but there are some surprisingly strong performances and it’s thankfully pretty short. If you’re already this deep into the series and still mildly enjoying it, then you might as well go ahead and sit through this one too, whatever.

We're the Millers (2013) - Review

2015-03-06T14:00:00.000-06:00

Nothing is worse than an insipidly unfunny comedy. This movie is about 95% that, and 5% genuinely humorous moments, almost all due to the likable personality of Jason Sudeikis. He gives an entertaining performance in this when nobody else is really trying. He might not be trying all that much either, but his charisma definitely shines through, and he sells a lot of the moments with sarcasm. Plus he kind of reminds me of Max Bemis, and that’s never a bad thing.

The other three leads are just bland. I used to kind of like Emma Roberts (when I only knew her from Scream 4) but she impresses me less and less with each passing role, and I’ll be completely honest... I’ve never liked Jennifer Aniston. The other kid, Will Poulter is okay but nothing special.

The plot might give some stoners a grin, but to anyone with even a fleeting memory of 90s comedies, this will be all too familiar in both its setup and its execution. You know what this reminds me of more than anything else? Bubble Boy. It’s a dumb road trip movie with a lot of wacky, over-the-top characters along the way and a likable lead actor but little else.

Bye!!! See you guys in better movies!

The main distinction with We’re the Millers is that there’s an out-of-place quasi action scene every once in a while to add some “weight” to the events. Of course, it’d be boring if these people just delivered their cargo with no questions asked, so let’s let ‘em get hassled by goons at every turn. Mostly this just bogs down the film, and even when this isn’t going on, the movie is lazily plodding around with bitten on the dick jokes, creepy other family run-ins, and sad attempts at character development.

While there are a couple of times where I grinned a little bit, this is one of those movies that makes you hate yourself for managing to find something in it funny. It’s definitely not the worst comedy of 2013 (there are much worse parody movies abound), but maybe the worst original comedy of the year.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Graduation Day Part 2 - S03E22 Review

2015-03-05T14:00:00.000-06:00

GRADUATION DAY PART 2
SEASON 3 EPISODE 22

It may have taken two years, but we’ve finally reached the end of Season Three! I hope you weren’t TOO attached to the high school conceit, because next season brings something a little bit different. Still awesome, though.

We pick up exactly where we left off, with Buffy still on the rooftop and we get a time cut to the Mayor showing up at the trashed apartment, frantically hoping that Faith with be okay. Opening credits! Back at the library, Giles and Xander are studying and share some mild banter. They are one of my favorite combinations that you don’t get to see too often. When they’re in a group, Giles usually ignores or outright berates Xander’s jokes, but when they’re alone together, he’s usually much more playful. Too bad Cordy had to show up and ruin it, whining about Buffy firing Wesley. Don’t worry, their quasi-romance will not be going further than this episode.

At Angel’s, Will is taking care of him while Buff is gone, and there’s an awkwardly funny scene where he tries to lament his love to Willow, thinking it’s Buffy. I feel really bad for Angel here – you don’t see him this vulnerable very much. Buffy finally comes in, looking all defeated. She shoos away Oz and Willow, and then goes in and makes Angel feed off of her after much resistance from Angel. I always thought this was a really uncomfortable scene to watch. Lots of weird sexual imagery.

Angel rushes a dying Buffy to a hospital... the same hospital that Faith was taken to, and the Mayor is getting the bad news that she’ll be in a coma forever, right next door! What a coincidence! Sunnydale really isn’t that small for all these coincidences. The Mayor overhears the doctors and goes over to strangle Buffy, but is thwarted by... Angel shoving him? Also, no one gossips about the Mayor trying to murder some helpless girl. He still just gets to be Mayor and go do the commencement speech? Okay, then.

Xander takes some verbal jabs at Angel when he learns that he fed off of Buffy and Giles is super pissed, although he doesn’t really say anything. It’s not really his fault, guys. Then Buffy has a weird dream involving Faith and some cryptic dialogue that actually pays off.

"Little Miss Muffet counting down from 7-3-0"

Pay attention to what happens in 730 days, aka two years, aka the Season Five finale. This is also some good practice for Joss for the Season Four finale, Restless, which is 90% weird cryptic imagery and dialogue. But we’ll get there. Dream Faith tells Dream Buffy to prey on the Mayor’s human weakness – that’s the key to beating him. Buffy comes out to the gang to reveal that she’s ready to take down the Mayor.

Cut to ominous music (which I can pinpoint as the music from the DVD menus due to watching them a million times) before fading into the library for a “battle plan” scene. Of course, we don’t get to hear the actual plan (a technique also used in the same way in the series finale). We also learn that Xander is the main piece of this strategy! Woo! And they’re still falling back on the Halloween episode where he learned soldier stuff. That’s weird – it’s been a year and a half. Whoa, Angel is in this scene? Good hiding, bro! Wesley shows up to help, too! The gang is all back together!

Wesley and Cordy finally release their weird sexual tension with a disgusting kiss and their relationship is all over. Oh well. See you guys on Angel! Xander and Willow round up a lot of the B-listers like Harmony and Jonathon (and C-listers, like Percy and Larry) for their secret... plan. It’s explosives, okay? Then Oz and Willow have sex again in a van, some hoppin’ sex bunnies they’ve turned out to be!

Back in the library, Buffy and Angel have one final talk on the show (until she visits the sister show and vice versa). Poor sad Buffy and Angel. It’s okay, I will ship them forever, I don’t care HOW the comics turn out! Anyway, it’s finally time for the graduation, which Will and Oz show up late to due to banging. The Mayor gives a speech, but it’s cut short by an eclipse and a weird, plastic-y transformation. And... oh my. I know you couldn’t afford good CGI since you’re a really low-budget show in the late 90s (and good CGI is hard to come by, even now) but... that’s a fake-looking giant snake. The design itself is pretty cool, but the textures are like Nintendo 64 level. It’s charming and fun, but it does distract a bit from the menace. Also, this thing is big, but it’s not like dinosaur big. It’s like two stories tall – that’s not even as big as the Titanoboa, a real creature that actually existed!

The vamps show up to kill the kids while the Mayor feeds, but then we get the big reveal: the entire school already knows about the ascension and has weapons ready to fight. It’s corny, sure, but it works really well, largely because of the swelling music. I don’t know where they got flamethrowers... but that’s neither here nor there. Oz gets to shoot flaming arrows at vampires, so that’s pretty cool. Then Angel and Wesley show up with another unit of people to fight off the vamps. Wesley is knocked out immediately – pretty hilarious.

Now it’s time for the revolving door of secondary characters getting killed off! First is Larry, who gets his neck snapped by the Mayor/Olvikan. Then Principal Snyder gets eaten. This one is very cartoony and I don’t like it. He’s standing there, just yelling impotently at the giant snake that this is “unacceptable”. It’s a bit too broad and silly even for a show that delights itself with broad and silly. Finally, Harmony gets bitten and killed. Other points of interest: Jonathon straight up tackles a vamp, and Cordy makes her first and only staking on the show!

Now that they’re alone, it’s time for the Buffy vs. Giant Snake, mono a mono. She taunts him about stabbing Faith and then runs, getting him to chase her into the high school (taking out the entire wall as he does) and into the library, where she dives out the window and he finds the giant pile of explosives. And then, I kid you not, the giant snake says: “Well gosh.” Boom. Best line of dialogue of all time. Then an actual boom, as in an explosion that kills him and takes out the entire high school.

Now for the wrap-up. Wesley gets taken to an ambulance, comically. Angel flitters away into the fog as Buffy watches him leave. Giles shows up to congratulate Buffy, and he actually dug through the wreckage to find her diploma. Aww.

Final scene time! Buffy heads over to Willow, Xander, Oz, and Cordy to close us out as they share a final reminiscence of high school. Then they walk away, on to adulthood, as we pan down to a charred yearbook and then slowly fade to black.

I think I take back what I said during the previous recap – I like this episode more than I thought I did. It closes out the season really well, sends off the leaving characters with dignity, and bridges the gap for a new season: the college season! Everything is about to change. But more on that later.

The Watch (2012) - Review

2015-03-04T14:00:00.000-06:00

Who enjoys Edgar Wright? I know I do! I haven’t seen a movie of his that I didn’t immediately love. Now, who enjoys Edgar Wright-lite? Or simply Wright-lite for those that enjoy conciseness and sick rhymes. Wright-lite like The Watch may not have the nutritional value as classic Wright, but it’s pretty good fun in and of itself.

The Watch is a fairly simple comedy with some sci-fi elements thrown in. Toss in some aliens and you have something that’s fairly similar in tone (although not as effective) as something like The World’s End. The major difference between this and true Wright is that the jokes are a bit shallower here and aren’t derived from the characters, which are always very strong and even relatable in Wright films.

The Watch is something altogether simpler, but don’t let that deter you from “Watch”ing. I should erase that, but I’m not going to. The real reason to watch this is to see the lead cast shine. Ben Stiller plays a great straight man, as always, and Jonah Hill is always good fun.

But the real standout here – and forgive my shock – is Vince freaking Vaughn. He tears this movie up; he’s really funny in a way that he hasn’t been in like a decade. I miss you, classic Vince! The only slight misstep is Richard Ayoade, but he’s not terrible. He just doesn’t gel very well with the seasoned comedians.

If you aren’t a fan of any of these guys, then don’t watch the movie, because certainly nothing else about it is going to win you over. It’s a pretty standard sci-fi comedy that lacks the true finesse of an Edgar Wright film, but for what it is, it’s enjoyable. Don’t expect a new Cornetto film though, because that it certainly is not. Regardless, you should give it The Watch it deserves. Okay, I seriously might delete that one (nope).

Cry-Baby (1990) - Review

2015-03-03T14:00:00.000-06:00

John Waters is one weird dude. He’s infamous for the pretty heinous film, Pink Flamingos, which if you don’t know, does involve a transvestite eating real dog crap for several minutes. Like, the actor actually ate feces that came out of a dog. But then he’s also known for more family-friendly fare like Hairspray as well as genuinely funny spoofs like Serial Mom and today’s affair: Cry-Baby.

Cry-Baby is basically Grease if Grease knew that it was totally ridiculous. It makes fun of 50s culture, something that a lot of movies do, and in some cases (like Pleasantville) do better. But this is one of the earlier movies that I’ve seen that does this. Whereas Pleasantville has very distinct and frankly poignant messages about racism and sexism, Cry-Baby chooses to go the traditional John Waters route of over-the-top comedy, and here it works really well.

And a single manly tear rolled d-- what? Oh God!

Essentially the plot is that a “good” girl falls in love with Cry-Baby, the bad boy greaser played by Johnny Depp. Cry-Baby gets sent to juvie and then must win her back! The story itself is standard, but the way it’s executed is pretty clever – everyone in this universe is totally aware of how ridiculous the movie is and are playing it to the rafters. Everyone, that is, except for Johnny Depp, who gives such a hilariously straight performance that it’s easy to see why he was such a mega star for such a long time.

Depp’s performance combined with the ‘wink, wink, nudge, nudge’ writing makes for an entertaining, if mindless watch.

Also, there’s a character nicknamed “Hatchet-Face” in the movie, and that’s just great.

The Lone Ranger (2013) - Review

2015-03-02T14:00:00.000-06:00

Ugh, this is the worst kind of movie.

Disney’s take on the old show (that I have never seen and have no desire to ever see – I have no fondness for TV Land, most old shows actively get on my nerves) isn’t a terrible movie, technically. Depp and Hammer are fine, the villain is very dark and kind of daring for a kids’ movie, and there’s nothing outright horrible about this film.

But oh my sweet hot damns is it boring. You know what, I take it back. There is something technically very awful about this movie, and that’s the pacing. Three people worked on the script, which is not a good sign, and two of them worked on the Pirates of the Caribbean films. Ah, so that explains the incredibly bloated and meandering run-time.

Most of this film is spent with Tonto, because make no mistake, Johnny Depp is the star of this film. The bookends involve him and most of the gags center around how wacky he can be; The Lone Ranger himself is just a reluctant “hero” along for the ride. But come on, Johnny, you’ve got too many wacky characters. Some of them work, like Cap’n Jack. Most of them don’t. This one doesn’t. The film simply isn’t funny or charming or in any way interesting.

This is funny because he's staring down a horse.

By the time things actually DO start to happen, around two hours in, it’s already too late. Yes, the last action sequence on the train is pretty fun and rousing, but you could cut literally half of this movie and not even realize it was missing. That is not a mark of good filmmaking. I’m all for world-building, just make it interesting. And, you know, actually build your world, instead of just showing Depp doing a corny accent.

I blame the aforementioned Pirate sequels for trending the ‘overly long kids’ blockbuster that aren’t actually any fun’ thing and running it straight into the ground. And The Lone Ranger is just another nail in the coffin. At least it bombed, so there won’t be a sequel – kind of sad when that’s the silver lining in the situation.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Graduation Day Part 1 - S03E21 Review

2015-03-01T14:00:00.000-06:00

GRADUATION DAY PART 1
SEASON 3 EPISODE 21

Finally, the two-part finale of the third season has arrived and high school is drawing to a close. There comes a time where every teen show must do this, but at least they don’t linger on high school too long like more inferior shows like Smallville (yep, I totally believe that Tom Welling is a fourteen year old freshman that just happens to be six foot three and have a twelve pack). Buffy is determined to exit high school with a bang!

We start off with everybody getting a bit of graduation fever. Xander and Cordy go from talking about graduation outfit color and casually seguing to dying horribly, Willow and Harmony have a bonding moment, and then Buffy calls her out on it, noticing that everyone is getting nostalgia except for her. Don’t worry, Buffster, I didn’t have any nostalgia when I graduated either. I was just ready to not have to wake up at 6AM every morning. I totally agree that graduation is a fairly pointless ceremony and would rather just have my diploma and not have to endure the several hour borefest please.

Anyway, Xander drops by to announce that the Mayor is the graduation’s commencement speaker, so Buffy gots to go so she can kill him. Cut to a really brutal and unpleasant scene of Faith murdering a college professor on the Mayor’s orders. I forgot how uncomfortable that was. The next day, Faith comes out in a sundress that the Mayor picked out for her for the big day. She actually looks adorable. The Mayor gives a speech about how proud he is of her, and scenes like these are the best part of the villains from this season. There’s no way they were going to top Angelus, but this father/daughter dynamic is interesting enough to carry it, even though the Mayor himself isn’t a very interesting bad guy. The only problem with that is that Faith is kind of too evil for me to care about her right now, so much of the backstory is kind of just “Alright... well she’s still a bitch, so I don’t really care”.

In class, Anya asks Xander out on a proper date, and aren’t these two adorable, folks? Xander lets slip that the ascension is coming and it turns out that Anya has actually seen one. She talks about how pure demons are something altogether different than any they’ve seen before. Oh, so they’re Great Old Ones. Also Giles and Wesley fence. Buffy talks to Giles about not wanting to kill Faith because she doesn’t kill people. This will come back in a certain episode in Season 5 where she kills several humans (and the show doesn’t even mention it – it’s weird).

Then the Mayor just shows up in the library to taunt everybody, especially Buffy. Giles will have none of this, so he stabs him with a fencing sword. This doesn’t kill him of course, but it’s pretty badass. Anya then bails (and asks Xander to run away with her but he has a sense of honor, so he declines) because she’s not a fully-developed character yet, but don’t worry budding Anya fans, she shall return! At Buffy’s, she packs her mom a bag and tells her to bail too. She resists but eventually Buffy guilts her into it. Seriously, she should just listen to Buffy at this point.

Willow and Oz get down to biz-nuss and have sex finally. And that’s all three of the main kids down! Finally got there, Will, good on you! At the professor’s crime scene, Buffy is looking for something that would link him to the Mayor, and Angel stumbles in and trips a bit. I’m not describing it very well, but it’s a really subtly funny scene. Usually Angel is so sneaky, it’s just really nice to see that he can be clumsy sometimes too. His excuse is pretty great too.

“I think they were mopping in the halls.”

They get some evidence to take back to Giles, but get into a bit of an argument on the street. Then, out of nowhere, Angel gets shot in the shoulder with a poison arrow by... who else? Xander! Nah, it’s Faith. They take him back to the library, where they learn that the professor was excavating a large carcass which turned out to be the same kind of demon the Mayor is going to becoming, meaning he can be killed in his demon form. Which begs the question... why become a demon? That sounds awful. Just be an immortal and invulnerable human. I don’t get the motivation to become a giant snake creature. Then Angel collapses and it’s sweet to see how Buffy, Giles, and Wesley rally to help him out.

Wesley is unsuccessful in convincing the Council to help, so Buffy basically fires Wesley and quits the Council for good. See you on Angel, Wesley! Buffy learns that the only cure for the poison is... slayer blood! DUN DUN DUN! Buffy quickly decides that she’ll just kill Faith. Good! I don’t like the whole moral quandary of “Oh she’s a human, however could I kill her? I don’t kill people!!!” If she’s a bad person, and you have the power to kill her... then do it. It’s not really different than killing a demon or vampire. That’s also a big part of Batman’s persona recently. Kill the villain. It gives the audience satisfaction!

Buffy gets Faith’s apartment address, puts on her leather fightin’ outfit. God, Faith says “wicked” a lot and it’s wicked annoying. Now comes the Buffy vs. Faith showdown that the season has been building up to for like eighteen episodes. It’s one of the shows better fight scenes, although like most fight scenes, it’s easy to spot the stunt doubles. They crash through a window and out onto the balcony of the building. Eventually Buffy guts Faith with her own knife but she falls off the building onto a moving truck so that she can’t save Angel.

And that’s Part 1! While I feel like the build-up in this episode is pretty great, I’m not quite as fond of the actual payoff. It’s certainly not bad, but I see this two-parter listed as some of the best episodes of the series and I don’t agree with that. It’s great, but not top ten material.