Preggo Eggo

Jake Xavier

2013-04-30T22:38:00.002+02:00

Well everyone, I am sorry that I disappeared completely. I see there are so many of you who are still reading my posts and I thank you for it. I now have a five month old son, he is three months old in the picture above. His name is Jake Xavier. :) He is wonderful, so if you are going through some terrible pregnancy dramas now, just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will be delighted in the end.

I was actually afraid that I wouldn't love my baby because I was so miserable and in so much pain during pregnancy. It was to the point that when I was 9 months and 3 days pregnant, one day before I gave birth, I remember having words with my bump and saying "You have to come now, or I might just hate you." I look back at that now and can't believe I even thought that. Nothing could be farther from the truth. He is my sunshine in this mediocre place that I live in.

Pregnancy was no picnic for me, I hope it is better for you. Now looking back on it, I think several things were at play. Firstly, I was super ill and had no energy, Secondly, I had moved to a country that I really didn't like and had none of my close friends around for support and Thirdly there is a general lack of beauty and nature here, the landscape is bleak, flat and uninspiring.

If there is one bit of advice I can give to pregnant women. Unless you know that you love the country or locale you are moving to, and have a support network already there, for God's sake do not move to somewhere unfamiliar when you are pregnant. You feel hormonal and vulnerable. It's just not the time. Stay somewhere safe and warm and nurturing.

This is my 12th country, so I am sort of a seasoned veteran when it comes to moving country, but this one knocked me for ten. I was alone, miserable and in what felt to me to be a totally hostile environment. It didn't help that I had no energy to go and meet people ( in particular expats). I am only now meeting people and starting to enjoy it a little bit. However when I was pregnant I really wish that I had been at home where a bunch of my friends have just had kids,and are fun, warm and charming. I am finding a group here now but it has been really hard work.

The Birth

2013-04-30T22:36:00.000+02:00

The Birth

Ok ladies, so here it is in all it's gruesome glory. The birth. You never know what you are in for until it happens. The questions like What does a contractions feel like? How long will labour last? Will sex be good again? Well I will do my best to answer all this.

I went into labour on a Friday night at around 8 o clock. I was staying with my mother in her lovely house in the country side and had a week of false labour. A week you ask? Yes. Combined with dreadful heartburn, haemorroids and painful kicks to the ribs, I think I didn't get more than two to three hours sleep that whole week and was absolutely miserable. I couldn't do much at all. Walking had become painful, when driving in my mother's car ( which is a horrible sportscar) I could feel literally every single twig that we passed over. It was desperately uncomfortable. The haemmoroids were inches long and exacerbated the pain that seemed to coarse continually through my body. I was terrified of having to push with haemmoroids that were already agonising. However, the one bonus was that I knew I was going to have an epidural and that I hopefully wouldn't feel it.

I had three hours worth of, what I thought were, contractions every night for a week. I now laugh at thinking that they were anything like contractions. They were very mild period pain like cramps. I thought at the time,' This isn't so bad.'' Well, let me tell you, I had no idea what I was in for.

So here we are at 8 oçlock in the evening and it starts to kick off. My mother thought that I would have labours like she had. She had a four hour labour with me and a 2 hour labour with my sister so she was adament that I hot- tail it to the hospital. We went at about midnight and were told that it was my choice whether I stayed or left, but heard all these women moaning in the labour ward, and thought, it was the last place I wanted to be, so I went home.

Twenty minutes after I got home, I lost the mucous plug and then the actual pain started to kick in. It is so sharp, unlike what I was expecting. It feels like something blunt is punching your soft squishy internal organs. When you think of it though, you have the delicate tissue of your uterous contracting against the bones of your baby to push him out.

2 a. m Saturday We went back to the hospital. Ron was sent home until it was time. I was having contractions every 3 minutes. In the beginning I used the TENS machine. It was ok for about two hours. Then it just became annoying. On the low settings I think it was helpful, on the higher settings I think it exacerbated the pain. It got to a point that all I wanted to do was throw it against a wall.

There was one woman in the ward that just said "'Shit' every time her contraction started. I understood. There is no way you can't make a noise. I found myself almost mooing like a cow. It was much more painful than I had expected. Any of these classes you go to where someone says that it's like a pressure that slowly gets stronger, bollocks, it's like someone whipping a baseball bat around your lower intestines. Why the planet is so overpopulated is beyond me. Labour is no fun.

6 a.m. I asked for an epidural. The midwife told me the baby was back to back, which apparently is the most difficult and painful position. The midwives took me to a room and put me in a birthpool, the weightlessness helped a bit and they gave me some gas and air. Now I have always been a massive fan of gas and air, I had used it when I had a bad kidney infection and it worked wonders. Now, it helped a bit, but after a while I may as well have been biting down on a spoon. This panicked me a bit, I thought, if this is not working and I have been in labour for 10 hours already, how am I going to make it through?

The midwives at Basingstoke and North Hampshire Hospital were fabulous, from the time I got into the pool to the time the baby was born, I wasnt left alone for one minute. The midwife talked me through every breath told me to breath in deep at the start of every contraction which were now every two minutes apart, and told me to drop my shoulders, which helped a lot. It got rid of a lot of the tension I was holding in. The pain was incredible, I asked when I could have an epidural. I was informed that the baby hadnt fully engaged and that they couldnt give an epidural until he had or there would be an increased risk of c-section.

Ron was brought in. I wan't sure I wanted him to see me in this state. What if I pooed in the pool? I had heard of this happening. Luckily nothing like that came to pass. But the pain was really getting on top of me. I put my head on the side of the tub and said to the midwife " Ï dont think I can do this." It was horrible.

Saturday 10 am. Finally I had an epidural. A short Chinese man came in to administer it. Now normally this physicality is not my type, but I challenge you not to fall a little bit for your anaesthetist when he takes your pain away. I said to him 'You are about to become my new best friend.'' He laughed. When he put it in I felt an electric jolt go up my left side and then slowly the pain started to get less and less, but was not quite gone, I still had a lot of pain in my stomach, he came back to reposition it and I was in heaven.

Sunday 2 am I don't remember a lot about the next few hours, when I finally dilated to ten centimeters at 2 am on the Sunday morning, I started to push, and push I did for two hours. They said to me, there is nothing wrong with your pushing, but your baby is getting stuck and is getting tired, we are going to have to get a doctor in here to assist you.

Sunday 4.a.m They brought in the doctor. She said to me, we are going to do this by ventouse and I will most likely have to do an episiotomy. I said to her, I specifically requested in my birth plan ( which by the way, I don't think any of these people read - Just put in something brief like GIVE ME DRUGS) that i don't want an episiotomy. She said, well, we are going to try by ventouse, if that doesn't work we will try forceps and then we will use episiotomy. If all this fails we will go for c-section.

Now this sounded like way too much for me. I said to her. I don't want episiotomy because I know that if you tear it heals better and that episiotomies can often cause more complications.

She said to me 'most women don't argue.'

I said, 'Most women don't do the same amount of research that I do. You don't sound confident in your own procedure, If you think c-section is the likely outcome, take me into theatre right now. I don't want to distress the baby any more than I have to. What is your track record of success with ventouse in the room and not in theatre?"

She said, "What,? Mine or the hospitals?"

I said," YOUR track record."

She said "It's very good."

I said "Is it 50%? 60% , 90% ."

She said, "it's good."

I said "Good is a relative value. What is your track record? "

She dodged the question again and said " I don't know if ventouse will work though and I want to have all these options."

I said to her, "' If you are not confident and don't trust yourself with your own procedure and can't give me a straight answer about what your success rate how can I trust you. I want a second opinon." There was a sharp intake of breath in the room as I effectively dismissed the doctor.

However to their credit they got the head doctor in. I asked her the same question and said. "I don't want an episiotomy I would rather tear and I want to do this by ventouse, do you think this is possible?"

She said. " This will work by ventouse. We will do it in the room, and I have a 100% success rate. If I say it is fine here and not in theatre it will work".

I said " Fine. Let's go." And that my friends is how you fire and rehire a doctor in about three minutes ;)

Sunday 4:30 am Now I had been having a ton of break through pain during the pushing because the baby was so enormous. I couldn't beleive how much it hurt WITH the drugs. I felt every bit as I pushed and he came out. It''s like having your internal organs ripped out of you. Awful. And then next thing I knew he was there. Now some people say they have this overwelming feeling of love the second the baby is born. I didn't . My feeling was just being overwhelmed and concerned. Everything felt so surreal and I was terrified because he didn't scream. The cord was cut by the doctor quickly without it throbbing which I really wanted to happen to ensure he got all the good stuff from the placenta, and Ron missed out , which I didn't even realise for many weeks after. This is the only thing I'm still upset about it. He was whisked away to a resuscitaire to make sure he was ok after being born into 2nd degree meconium. They had to ensure he was breathing ok.

Finally after a few minutes he was handed back to me, and I had this baby handed to me, mewing a bit like a cat and I got it into my head what had happened. I had a baby.

The hospital stay. Because after a 32 hour labour he was born into meconium, they were worried about jaundice, I couldn't feel my legs and was on a catheter, they kept us in the hospital for a couple of days. I didn't have the baby sleep in his own bed, we cuddled up together in my hospital bed and were inseperable for those next few days. I actually couldn't sleep for another 24 hours, maybe too much adrenaline. We stared at each other, taking the time to really bond and realised that from this point onwards we would be together forever and it was the nicest feeling in the world.

The Third Trimester has begun!

2012-09-11T13:01:00.003+02:00

Happy Hippo with New and Improved Stomach

I have a new favourite thing i like to do. I call it the Happy Hippo. I run a nice warm bath, get in it and watch my stomach move around all by itself. As I wallow in soapy goodness, I watch little bumpkin do his alien impression. It's weird to see bits of yourself wander around involuntarily.

My bump has definitely taken on a life of its own. The other night I woke up to Ron giggling. He had his hands on my stomach and was saying "Oh that's sooo cute". He was getting thumped from the outside and obviously enjoying having future son-to-be doing his judo routine. Really strange that something that you are cooking in your own tummy oven is awake when you are asleep and going about his daily routine.

In the meantime I have been having these crazy mood swings. Hormones are tricky sometimes to deal with. First happy, then sad, over it, up for it, really tired, exhausted beyond belief, whatever it may be. I am only 9 weeks away from my due date now, and don't feel quite like myself. The heartburn has returned with a vengeance and I haven't slept properly in I don't know how long. It can't help.

Well, I am looking forward to going back to the UK to see all of my lovely girlfriends and settle down in the country side for a bit. I'm not very good at dealing with the general coarseness of the population here in the Netherlands and looking forward to seeing the people I love and relate to once again. It feels like it has been way way too long.

Back Pain in Prenancy - How I got Rid of It.

2012-08-03T19:39:00.001+02:00

BYE BYE BACK PAIN

I had terrible backpain. Pain that wouldn't let me sleep at night, or turn from one side to the other without bolts of electric anguish flashing down my legs. Walking hurt and I was worried that if it got any worse that I wouldn't be able to any more. I have sorted it out. How you ask? The Physio? No - she was pretty useless. Yoga? Nope - haven't been.

These three things did the trick:

http://www.maternitywearguide.com/maternity-pillows/comfortable-pregnancy-with-a-maternity-pillow/

The first thing that happened was that Ron, because he is a fabulous human being, went out to get me one of those long spaghetti pillow things. It's a massive bolster that you curl yourself around so you sleep with it between your knees and then wrap your arms around it and totally relaxes your back muscles. After the birth it serves as a breast feeding pillow and it is mega comfy. For those of you who are boyfriendless or in need of a more cuddly partner, I think this is probably a pretty good substitute ...

The second thing that happened was I got a belly band. It just holds me in place as I walk around. It is seamless and doesn't show under my clothes. I love it.

http://www.motherhood.com/maternity/belly-bands.asp

The third and most important thing MAGNESIUM. What? I hear you say. Yes. Magnesium. Apparently 80% of people are somewhat deficient. A midwife who is a friend of mine in California recommended it. She said take it before the birth and it will make the birth easier and allow for quicker recovery. Many obstetricians also recommend it but not for prolonged usage. Obviously if you are going to take it ask your doctor or health care provider.

Being the geek I am, I researched it. Magnesium is necessary for about 300 functions in your body, and is especially good if you are getting, muscle aches, prone to kidney stones, bleeding gums, cracking nails, split ended hair, constipation, or if you can't sleep. I had the aches, gum problems, bad nails and constipation. So I put two and two together and realised that bumpkin was slurping out all my magnesium.

Now there is some controversy. If you look on the internet there are two camps - Doctors who say that magnesium is very beneficial for the baby and those who say it is not. Do not take it in your first trimester. Magnesium citrate has been classified by the FDA as a grade C which means it may or may not have been tested and that it could potentially cause problems for the fetus . So I went to the pharmacist and asked. The pharmacist gave me Magnesium hydroxide and we looked it up to make sure that it specifically stated that there were no contraindications for this. She told me to take it in 500 mg doses when I had backpain, which is in line with the Recommended Daily allowance.

I told her that before I had read about possible complications. I took one dose of 400 mg ( the recommended daily allowance) of magnesium citrate and it literally knocked out my backpain. This after I had been suffering for three weeks. She told me that my one off dosage of 500 mg of magnesium citrate would be no big deal because it was such a low dosage. However we both agreed that the Magnesium hydroxide sounded like the better solution because it came with a sheet saying that it was safe for pregnant women, and I have decided to only take it when backpain becomes an issue.

One warning however... It is also used as a laxative so make sure if you take one, to drink a ton of water afterwards.

I then talked to my friend Donna and told her about my revelation. She said she had become addicted to Gatorade when she was pregnant and had almost no less leg cramps in her third pregnancy whereas she had a lot in her prior two pregnancies. We then found out it has a ton of magnesium in it.

So the lesson here - Eat foods with loads of magnesium - Brown bread, nuts, rolled oats peanut butter, whole grains, tofu, various legumes, spinach, oily fish and broccoli or get a decent multivitamin with magnesium in it and avoid severe back pain. :)

Obese People, I Salute You

2012-07-24T11:52:00.003+02:00

Obese People, I Salute You

Ok, so what do you get when you cross a hippo with an elephant and make it waddle like a penguin?.......... Me.

I am 24 weeks pregnant and am really not loving being this fat. Getting out of the bathtub is a particular delight. I make sounds like this Uuuuuuuungh. Waddling through department stores and feeling the little heart beats in my toes is no picnic. I am bored of being out of breath because I just rolled up to the deli counter to get a sandwich.

I now look at fat people everywhere and wonder how the hell they do it. Their feet must kill them and their backs must hurt. Mine do. It's really uncomfortable being this large. You sweat more because it takes a ton of effort just to move around. When your thighs rub together as you walk like a penguin it's no fun. I feel like one of those Russian dolls that has a whole bunch of other little russian dolls inside. Well, I have one anyway...

So give the morbidly obese a little bit of respect and say a prayer for them as they order their third Big Mac of the day or knock back a litre of chocolate milk, because every time they stand up and walk to the fridge it's like a gym work out. It's knackering being massive.

Things that go Bump in the Night

2012-07-20T10:03:00.000+02:00

Bump that goes Bump in the Night

I almost 24 weeks pregnant, 16 more to go, and I can't wait until it's over. I am now a massive eater. I went from eating like a normal person at 20 weeks to a rabid carnivore at 24 weeks (I used to be mostly veggie). But, the more meat I eat, the more heartburn I get, so vegetable hunting I will go, and it's easier, veggies don't run as fast and are easier to catch.

As for my Bump he is wriggling a lot, moving around, doing judo practice and jumping jacks. He likes to say goodnight and has an entire calesthenics routine to show off with. I have insane back pain to the point that I can't roll over in bed without lightening shooting down my spine to my legs. The physio is very nice but pretty ineffectual, that seems to go for most of the people I meet in relation to pregnancy here though. The midwives here in the Netherlands are the same and do precisely nothing. They literally take your blood pressure, weigh you, squish your stomach a couple of times and push you out the door. No routine blood tests, urine tests, to measure protein, sugar and dehydration nothing. So they are pretty much useless. I have no idea what they are paid to do other than smile and squish.

If you are in the same position as me, and have ineffectual health care providers, you can ordered your own dip sticks yourself - 100 for 8 pounds ( 14$) from Amazon. Thank God I ordered some, I found out I was really dehydrated. I thought I was drinking enough... clearly not. It would have been helpful if I had known this before because I have only recently had a kidney infection and I really don't need another one.

I have friends who keep on saying they miss being pregnant. I definitely will not have that problem. What is fun about it?

Nesting - Creativity Takes Over

2012-07-16T12:23:00.000+02:00

Making Dresses for the Girls

I had my step daughters here for a few weeks and thought I'd do some fun little projects with them. So, with trips to the library, walks in the woods with the dog, and games being played, I thought we'd do something a bit more creative and out came the sewing machine. Milla wanted to stay with Papa, and Emma needed a bit of one-on-one time, so we made a little adventure out of it, and went to Anne and Max Cafe for iced tea and cake and then on to the Fabric Shop.

She did make me laugh, all little kids like soft things or really sparkly things, so after touching the velour on the way in and saying ''Oooh I love this", like a little magpie she went up to this shiny ( think tinfoil) polyester/ lamee ( I know I spelled it wrong I just can't figure out how the accent works on this keyboard), and said 'Ooooh, this is what I want to make my dress out of.' She was really insistent so,I said, "oh sweetie, we can't use that, it's for... um.... couches." The things we tell kids... I then tried to picture the most gaudy couch ever from Liberachi hell..

However all is well and we ended up with a couple of simple stretch cottons and Emma found a simple rayon material that had a cute flower design all over it. Then she found some lace she wanted to add to it and off we went. She loved watching the fabric being cut out and then said to me, " I want to learn everything from you because I want to be a designer." Too cute.. However I think she may have picked the wrong person as these are the first two dresses I have ever made, and other than slip covers, and a couple of little bits and pieces, I am a total rookie.

We got home and I took a couple of their old dresses and pinned them to the material and cut around them. Doing the seams I really wished that I had an overlocker, but never mind, it just took longer than it would have otherwise. The girls liked being measured, I think they found it special to watch something made for them that they could help to design themselves. Milla wanted a short dress, which actually came out a bit shorter than expected (whoops) and Emma wanted a longer one.

So after a day's work, two dresses and two matching headbands were complete. I took a couple of pictures of them, and with huge grins on their faces they posed for me. Milla started leaping around and posing, so I got a couple of cute shots, until the theme tune of Dora The Explorer played and then off they went to hear all about the baby jaguar who had to find a mountain. Or something like that.

Milla is now saying that she wants to wear the dress every day. I said, " If you wear the same dress every day, you will be known as stinky Milla." she said, " We can wash it" I said, "Ok, but then you will be known as polka dotted Milla, and like batman no one will recognise you without your polka dots on." She didn't seem to mind, and shrugged her shoulders. So for the last three days she has worn it every day and it has been washed every night... haha.

Here is a blanket that I knitted as well. My dog and the kids commandeer it most of the time. I actually strongly recommend that you don't knit a blanket because it takes forever...

How Not To Be An Idiot Around Pregnant People

2012-07-08T12:53:00.001+02:00

Weird Things People Say and Do When You Are Pregnant

The other day I was at a get together, and an older woman was there whom I have met a couple of times before. She asked me if I was pregnant. I said I was. She asked me if it was a boy or a girl, I said it was a boy and she said... wait for it..... "In the Netherlands we say that if you are having a boy your husband is a lazy lover." And then gave a little smile. This was her only comment. What the HELL.

Now luckily I didn't say it, but while I smiled at her, wishing her instant death and for the ground to open up and aliens to come out, ripping the flesh off her body and consuming huge chunks while she watched in horror still alive, before finally slaying her with a double aged serrated blade covered in a mixture of itching powder and poison, and dragging her soul down to an eternal hell, I thought "Funny that, in the UK we just say congratulations." Insulting old cow.

Now I posted this on my facebook page and had a lot of friends comment to say how weird and rude this was, but a couple of them said that they had similar experiences.

One friend who has four really cute little boys, had a woman say to her when she announced she was pregnant with her fourth boy, "God bless you," like it was some kind of curse to have boys, and then looked at her in a pitying way. Nice one. Way to make someone feel good.

Another said, "So you are about five months pregnant?" my friend said yes. The woman said, " Oh I know someone who just miscarried at five months." What a twit.

Another had a random strangers come up and ask to rub her belly ( maybe she thought a genie would come out and she would get three wishes). Christine just said, " I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat, so no you can't." hahahaha.

She said to me, "The thing is, why do total strangers think it is ok to go up to someone they have never seen before and grab their stomachs. If it was the other way around and I grabbed someone's non-pregnant belly, they would call the cops for assault and harrassment. "

So when dealing with a really hormonal pregnant woman who is probably more than a little sensitive. If you don't know her - don't assume that her bump is public property, and if you do know her, ask first. It's really inappropriate to grab people's body parts without their consent. That's what molesters do.

Also, don't say loads of crass, stupid things. Be polite or leave the room. People are idiots, and I have come to expect that. Don't be one of them.

Rescued By The IKEA Angel In MDF Hell

2012-07-05T16:26:00.001+02:00

WARNING: PLEASE MIND THE BUMP

I did the dumbest thing I have done in a while today. I thought, I need a fan, some cloth napkins, egg cups, and a couple of bowls, so I know what I will do. We have one close to us, so I will go to IKEA. Muppet.

What the hell was I thinking? Normally I'm pretty much allergic to the place. I really haven't been into an IKEA for years. I forgot that you had to be a marathon runner to get through it. I don't know if they are all the same, but I think they are, in that there is only one exit, and you have to walk past miles and miles of MDF hell before you get to the cash registers at the other end. Oh, and by the way, guess what IKEA doesn't sell... a fan, cloth napkins and egg cups.

So after bumbling ( I no longer walk) through the entire store to get to the promised land, the cash registers, (signal angels and pearly gates now), and picking up a bunch of stuff I had no intention of buying in the first place: three pot plants, plates, bowls and huge rug, I then realised that one of the plates I had bought was chipped, so I thought, I'll go back and get another one, forgetting that the plates were in the middle of the store about 200 miles away from where I was standing. I turned around to go back, walked in circles a couple of times past the rug section, and finally after finding two sales assistants who sent me off on a wild goose chase, found a nice one who knew the store.

I said 'I need to find the dinnerware section, two of your colleagues have sent me in the wrong direction, I'm really pregnant, I'm really tired and I can't go in a circle again.' She was so sweet and said, 'I get it. I've done it twice, and being pregnant is no time to be in IKEA. I'll take you to the section you need to go to.'

At that moment I think I fell in love with her. My short dumpy, slightly butch, IKEA saviour.

She delivered me like a guardian angel back to the cash registers, I bought my set of crappy plates, cute plants, enormous rug, and made it home. Phew. Very happy to be curled up with my little dog.

I do take my hat off to IKEA though - they understand the meaning of Captive Audience, and know that after 2 hours of walking through a jungle of crap that you are likely to buy something just so your trip wasn't a total waste.

Kids Who Poo Money

2012-07-01T19:30:00.004+02:00

Abracadabra! And Now For My Next Trick.

My step daughter Emma is here for three weeks and she and her dad were upstairs playing. All of a sudden I hear Thump! Followed By Ahhhhh!and then both Ron and Emma marching downstairs. Ron looked a bit panicked and Emma was crying. Emma came, wrapped herself around me and sobbed. I looked at them and said 'What's happened? ' He said, 'Emma swallowed a Euro and I think it's stuck.. It's hurting her throat.' Emma was pretty hysterical by this point in time and I said, 'Ok, if it still hurts we'll take you down to the hospital, but just so you know, I'm not worried and I think that it's going to come out by itself.' Realising she wasn't going to die she calmed down a bit and clung on to me.

Down to the hospital we went, Ron driving a little faster than normal and hitting the bumps, which in turn hit my little wriggling bump and made it squirm even more.

I said 'Emma, out of curiosity, how on earth did you swallow a coin'. It turns out that Papa was doing magic tricks, hiding the coin and then pulling it out from behind her ear and doing basic slight of hand stuff, and then Emma decided that she wanted to be a magician too and to make a coin disappear, so she put it in her mouth, lost her footing, fell over backwards and swallowed it. Haha. "Well", I said, " You succeeded, you are a magician and you made it disappear."

We went to the hospital they gave her some slimey custard and some liquid that looked thick like cough syrup and it slithered its way out of her esophagus and is now being cleaned by the hydrochloric acid in her stomach. We are waiting to see the new and improved Euro soon.

We official now have the only kid who poos money. I wish I could....

GOT THE 20 WEEK SCAN BACK AND IT'S A ............

2012-06-26T13:25:00.001+02:00

?????????????????

Well the jury is in and it's unanimous.... It's a BOY. 100% Here are the goolies.

We are really happy. Ron has two girls already and so is over the moon. I was happy with either flavour but am really excited to be having a boy. Now I can get all set to paint the nursery and get it organised. :)

Here are a bunch more pictures..

Baby on his side

Sucking his thumb

At 11 weeks - the 4D scan. Unfortunatley they didn't do it at the place we went to in the Netherlands.

19 Week Technicolor Hippo

2012-06-21T01:57:00.002+02:00

Happy Hungry Hippo

I knew all about exponential growth, but I thought about it more as a financial term. Obviously I was wrong. Very very wrong. Well my own little wriggler is now happily kicking away - I'm 19 weeks, probably look bigger - I don't know I've never been a great bump gauger. I have gained more weight than I probably should, but weirdly don't care.

I can't believe I have my 20 week scan in four days. Where has the time gone? Ever since I stopped puking like a bulemic every fifteen seconds, the time has flown. I have noticed I am starting to walk differently slightly more like a drunken sailor who has just come ashore in search of grog, games and girlies. Elegance be gone. Fye upon thee.. Or something like that.

So reality will strike, bumpkin will tell us whether it's a he or she, unless obstinately and prudishly crossing it's little flipper like legs.

We will see. I really really like riding my bike at the moment. It makes me feel weightless as i whip around the streets. Because Holland is super flat ( you could literally roll a biro from one end of the country to another with one push) it makes a ride easy and non taxing. It's wonderful. I am like the graceful hippo from fantasia. :)

Me doing ballet

Fine Not-so-Young Cannibal

2012-06-21T00:55:00.000+02:00

Eating Bits of Yourself - Things That Make Me Go Ewwww.

I was looking at a pregnancy site, the what to expect at 19 weeks kind of site, and somehow ended up on the weird part of the internet. I clicked on a link and suddenly was confronted by a car crash of an article. It was entitled "Would you Eat Your Own Placenta." It even has a name, placentophagia. Now this is just too much for me.

I mean, seriously. After you have been huffing, heaving, pushing and squelching to finally have your little one slither out of you, do you really need to consume what follows? There is natural and then there is just gross. I know people who have taken the placenta home and planted a rose bush on top of it to commemorate the whole birthing event ( and then got really spooked when the plant was attacked by aphids and died... yes the sprog is fine and aphid free) and I understand that, but eating it? Yes, I know it nourishes the baby, has iron and hormones and there are all sorts of reasons why you shouldn't cut the cord immediately after birth to allow the placenta to pump out any final nutrients to the infant. But do you really have to eat something that has just come out of your vajayjay?

The article also gave a health warning. Do not eat another woman's placenta. Yeah - no danger there. Seriously. Wouldn't even cross my mind. Apparently it can transfer all sorts of diseases to those not used to the afterbirth of another person's immune system or lack therof. Yuck. Personally I've never really been into Cannibalism. So, What happens? You say ' Oh my that was delicious and for desert I'll drink my urine, or maybe even someone else's.'

Looking into it further, apparently you can get placenta creams ( good for baby rash), placenta pills ( good for iron) and all sorts of other bits and pieces. Honestly though, I think I'll stick to kale and spinach.

How's Junior?

2012-06-14T20:07:00.000+02:00

Which Rugrat?

Raffi - my first baby

My friend called me and said ," How's the little one doing".

I said "which one - cooking one or furry one?"

" Furry."

It does get confusing sometimes. My pooch had a fever and wasn't well over the last couple of days so I've been duping him into eating narcotics by stuffing them into cheese. ( At the moment you could probably do that to me as well.) He's ok with the pain killers - not so great with the antibiotics. If I don't get it right he just spits them out onto the floor.

But interesting turn... I think this is really the first time I am thinking about my little alien as it's own separate entity rather than as a vomit inducing extension of myself.

Actually I've started to notice that I'm no longer calling it my little alien when I'm speaking anymore. It's turning into something cuter. So I hereby christen it Bumpkin - well at least for a few more weeks anyway.

Bumpkin is starting to move around a bit more. I get the occasional wriggle here and there. So I guess it is making itself more apparent. I am looking forward to the 20 week scan so I can stop calling it, well, "It" and it's got a bit more of an identity.

Is That A Tent you are Wearing?

2012-06-12T08:32:00.001+02:00

Maternity Shopping

Me at 18 weeks pregnant

Now that I am officially a happy hungry hippo, my jeans are cutting off my circulation at the waistband and I'm getting the whole double bubble effect when wearing my bras (nice) , I thought, ok it's time to go shopping.

I went with my Norwegian friend Kirsten who patiently sat and watched me try on one monstrosity after another. We gave them names... the first was Oscar the Grouch in Garbage Can. I looked exactly like this only I'm a bit less green and my eyebrows divide in the middle:

Alison, that garbage can is so becoming

The next was Circus Freak, followed by Old Lady. I think Candy the Stripper was my favourite... it covered about a quarter of my boobs. Sort of like this (believe it or not this chick is actually in a wedding dress.. OMG.)

Screw the ceremony, let's just go back to the hotel

and last but not least Homeless Person in Potato Sack.

Oh Alison i almost didn't recognise you....

That's the great thing about pregnancy shopping, you can stand in front of a mirror and laugh at yourself for the ridiculousness of the situation because you know it's temporary, or at least hope that you don't stick that way... kind of like when your mother told you not to make a stupid face because if the wind changed you would be stuck like a mutant for ever. I ignored my mother's advice and actually looked like this for several years :

This is what happens when the wind changes

But - I did it. I bought my first ever pair of mommy jeans, a sweater that was long enough to cover both boobs and bump sufficiently and a comfy bra. They are in the first picture above (no, not the bra you pervert). Then I got home, and after not having any ice cream for months, ate half a Viennetta ice cream cake. Haha. I am now a bona fide pregnant person.

Things That Make Me Go Mmmmmmmmmmm

2012-06-12T01:43:00.003+02:00

Midnight Cravings

I could actually go face down into a whole plate of these right now. It's 1 oçlock in the morning. I really really want these Right NOW...

Ice lolly I love you. Let me count the ways.

This one is definitely Ron's fault oh dutch boy...

I could bathe in a Vat of this stuff... It's so smooth and creamy.

I drank a whole litre of pineapple juice today and then ate a pineapple for lunch.

Ok - that's enough for now... I'm off to raid the fridge.

17 Week Pregnant Zombie - Lethargy Part II

2012-06-08T11:43:00.000+02:00

Tiredness Monster Returns

I have no idea what happened. I was feeling so great for two weeks. No sickness ( almost), no exhaustion, all was well, and now - bang. It's back. I had plans to repaint the bedrooms, sand things down, and basically become a DIY goddess. It's not to be. I've had to hang up the paint brushes and crawl back into my jammies. I'm exhausted, hormonal and pissed off. Ron is away, and all my friends live in a different country. I thought the exhaustion and nausea was supposed to go away by now? Where is the proverbial glow and feeling of wonderfulness and energy? Or maybe it's an environmental thing - the crappy weird weather in the middle of June is not helping. Apparently the signs at 17 weeks that you are supposed to have are:

1. Increased Appetite ( for me - no)

2) Heartburn or indigestion ( yes - or nausea)

3) Headaches ( no)

4) Backaches ( yes and they suck)

5) stretch marks ( Thankfully not yet)

6) Flatulence ( great)

Oh pregnancy is such a joy...I am being an utterly crap mom to my pooch. Yesterday he got a walk around the block because I didn't have the energy to do it properly and it was raining. I am waiting for him to come up to me put a collar around my neck and take me out for a walk to make sure that he gets a proper one. Poor thing. Ugh.

Sense of Humour Failure

2012-06-05T15:52:00.001+02:00

Bullshit Free Zone

This is probably going to get a little graphic - so if that bothers you, look away now. Otherwise enjoy the rant...or don't... whatever. I have always more or less spoken my mind, but I am 17 weeks pregnant now, and find with the increasing hormones it becomes harder to button my lip. I now have no tolerance for bullshit, even less than before.

I have lived here for six months. It is possible that I have just had extremely bad luck and met entirely the wrong bunch of people, but so far, of the 12 countries I have lived in, it comes number 11 on my list, and only because the inhabitants of number 12 may as well have had two heads, gills and lived in a swamp. They looked a bit like this:

This is what happens when you get the hots for your brother.

So what really irks me? The general lack of social etiquette, widespread rudeness, insane busy -body-ness, and total lack of service. I have literally watched two overweight 45 year old men rub stomachs in the middle of a door way coming out of V and D ( the local department store) because neither one could muster the common courtesy of letting one go through first, and sparing that 10 seconds of their lives. Either that or it's how they get their rocks off...

I have seen both pregnant and old people pushed aside by someone who decided that they needed to get to somewhere those few seconds faster, without any thought that the old person nudged may be frail or the pregnant lady easily put off balance. Like getting a specific piece of cheese at a deli counter was reason enough for grandma to loose her false teeth. Nice. This is what she looks like now:

Give me my teeth back biach

When a friend of mine today accidentally broke a glass at the table of a cafe, and we alerted the waiter, the waiter got bored in the middle of cleaning said with a big dramatic sigh,, "That's good enough. I have too much to do", despite the fact that there were still loads of pointy glass shards all over the floor. We said 'dude - that's going to impale someone's foot' No dice and No Service. He didn't care. So we ended up doing his job for him. What a whiney little prick.

And finally, a friend's nosey intrusive neighbour had her lawyer send a letter to the town hall trying to get the planning permission rejected to upgrade a kitchen. The town hall investigated the mater and it was subsequently dismissed. Luckily. God forbid anyone should have something nicer than someone else. Jealous, spiteful old cow.

Even the dogs are the meanest dogs I have ever come across here, because no one can be bothered to socialise them properly. You have those annoying little fluffy rats that howl and bark at any dog who comes anywhere near them.

Sometimes I think if they got rabies and started frothing at the mouth they'd have nicer personalities. What do they say? Like dog like Owner? Exactly. Oh - and if your dog is fat - you aren't getting enough exercise. Put on your tennis shoes Porky, walking around the block isn't enough and maybe why your dog is so mean.

If your dog is fat, you are probably a porker.

Now normally, unless it's so glaringly ridiculous or unless it's about the well-being of a child ( in which case I can really go off on one) , I am able to bite my lip and thank God none of my friends are like that, but at the moment, when something happens I can feel the ire rising and words forcing themselves out of my mouth. I have a razor sharp tongue.

Unfortunately people here seem to think that 'honesty' is the best policy. What they haven't learned is the difference between assertion and aggression. You can say what you want, and get your point across, but it needs a filter. It would be nice if people on the street learned how to crack a smile, but their faces might break. But if honesty is wanted and that's the way to be Dutch...

Screw it, let's have a go...

To the old bat who on her first meeting with me, before she even knew my name, asked if I was the cause of my boyfriend and his ex's split. NO. Thanks for asking if I was a home wrecker though.. Oh and also - Thanks for saying on the second meeting that You Don't Approve of my relationship simply because it was long distance for two years. It's none of your business and your opinion counts for less than crap with me.

To the girl who tried to set up my boyfriend with one of her friends after we had been together for two years. In case you haven't noticed it is not appropriate to try to set up people with already married/ committed individuals. Why don't you try educating yourself or are you just a madam with a bunch of ageing desperate women to pimp out? I don't know who was more aghast - Ron or me.

And to the girl, who in front of 40 people, said that she wished that my boyfriend was the father of her children, and the next morning after the party while hungover, said that I looked better drunk than sober. You can go and screw yourself. You know who you are. And no, Ron's ex- girlfriends aren't jealous of you, as apparently you have said to quite a few people. The reason the three of us, over a 20 year time period, have a problem with you is because you are an ugly little troll who has no boundaries and you have been trying to get your claws unsuccessfully into him for years.

Stop your selfish antics. He is taken and never chose you. Ever. Fact. Normally people who are ugly on the outside are pretty on the inside because there has to be a balance somewhere. Ever wonder why you are 41 and single? Now you know. Any questions? By the way - fabulous performance in Lord of the Rings as Lead Ork.

To the people who think it's ok to smoke joints on the beach in front of other people's kids. You are a bunch of barbarians. Go back to whatever white trash cesspool you came from.

I have never encountered such fake 'spirituality'. No, angels are not talking to you in your sleep - get off the drugs. The flakiness is unbelievable, it's naive and false. You're not 'alternative', you are either covering up some massive insecurity or trying to be interesting. Epic Fail. The - I'm so serene and talk to tree fairies - is nonsense. I could throw up.... and at the moment, do, on a regular basis, so steer clear unless you want your own private viewing of the Exorcist girl.

If I hear one more woman in her thirties go on about how spiritual they are when they are using it as a thin and fairly crappy rouse to try and get into some married guys trousers, I am going to smack them in the face with a chair. We unbelievably know of one relationship that was broken up this way. Disgusting. And the thing that's so weird, is this particular individual looks like a transexual and is bat shit crazy, while the now ex was quite beautiful. So odd.

On a footpath where bikes aren't allowed and dogs are, don't yell at me to put my dog on a leash when he is legal and you are not. Next one who does it gets pushed into the canal to visit the hissing swans. To owners who can't be bothered to clear up after their dogs - I hope you fall face first into a great big steaming pile of it.

Ooooh. That felt better. The one great thing about this is I now realise how awesome my real friends are and how awesome London is. God I miss them, one day we will be back... hopefully sooner rather than later.

Sign of the Times

2012-05-30T20:58:00.002+02:00

Bottoms Up - Pass Me the Orange Juice...

I was just visiting a fun blog A Wide Line and was checking out a bunch of moms who were out on the town to celebrate a friend getting married. They were having fun, a bit blitzed, nothing serious. All I could think was good lord, the last time I got all my friends together between 9 of us, we drank 12 boxes of juice and a third of a bottle of wine.... Hmmmm. It was a lunch, three of us were pregnant, two had recently just had kids, a couple were driving, so abstained, and only two decided to have a glass each.

Now as a bunch of former party animals this was kind of a shock and a little funny all at the same time. I remember all of them in fairly indelicate positions. This was all sedate and nice, the girls were on good form, but it definitely wasn't a big night out or boozy afternoon. I don't think I have been to such a clean lunch since I was about 12, and even then, the parents in attendence had most probably had a couple.

Nice that none of us missed it at all. It was just a nice low key afternoon that could have been spent at our local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Very Funny Desperate Housewives Clip

2012-05-29T14:32:00.000+02:00

Desperate Housewives " Hormones"

Elida sent me through this fabulous link from Desperate Housewives. It is too funny. Just had to post it.

Give Me The Cheese

2012-05-29T12:09:00.002+02:00

Moderation - Don't Let The Experts Freak You Out

I was talking to my friend Elida yesterday. She is 6 months pregnant, so about 2 months farther on than I am. She said " The thing is, everyone says, oh it's so great, you can eat whatever you want, but nothing could be further from the truth."

Here is the list of all the things you aren't supposed to eat - smoked salmon ( which I eat all the time) shark, swordfish, mackerel, tile fish, tuna, shrimp, oysters, deli meats, soft cheeses, unpasteurised milk, fresh juices, anything from a salad bar in a restaurant, any unwashed fruits and vegetables, vegetable sprouts, caffeine, herbal teas and remedies, shellfish, peanuts or peanut products ( which by the way knocks out most cookies) any form of raw meat ( bye bye carpaccio) sushi, some say meat in general, dairy as it can actually suck the calcium out of your bones ( go figure), and alcohol.

Some of these are just stupid. Fresh Juices? Vegetable Sprouts? Herbal Teas? Fish ( yes I know you have to watch out for mercury levels but c'mon) Salad ( I'm sure they wash it) and yes you should wash your fruits and vegetables, but I think this goes overboard.

Now I actually don't feel deprived at all, because there is a very limited assortment of food that my own little alien on board will accept. I stick mostly to fruits and vegetables, toast, pasta and seafood. This however is through circumstance.. If I had less of a picky eater free loading on my taste buds, I have a feeling things would be different.

So the other day at a BBQ, when a very sweet and well meaning friend almost jumped across the table to stop me eating a mushroom stuffed with blue cheese I said, "It's fine, the French have been doing it for years and they aren't known for an excessive number of mutants in their population." She said , " Are you sure" I said, "Look, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't drink coffee, I don't eat many sweets so I am allowed this one little bit of stinky cheese in a tiny little mushroom, it's my first in four months." She smiled uneasily and relented.

Does this annoy me? Of course not. She was looking out for me and wanted to ensure the food that she had prepared wouldn't poison me and sprog to be. Everyone has been brainwashed with so many millions of things that you can't do in case you end up with a two headed version of Spiderman. My own mother was addicted to oysters when she was pregnant with me and nothing particularly disastrous happened despite the warnings that say how terrible they are for you ( yeah, yeah, make your jokes now).

So what is truly bad? The obvious stuff. However, my French friends all drank red wine throughout their pregnancies with no harm to their lovely kids ( obviously not to excess ) maybe a glass every couple of days. There are studies that say an occasional glass of red is beneficial for you. Something to do with the tannins in it and the propensity to lower blood pressure. However, A GLASS, that is the limit. Maybe the experts are worried that the general population is too stupid ,or to addicted to everything, to limit their imbibing behaviour to a sensible and beneficial level.

I have no idea how anyone can smoke in pregnancy. This is not from a moral perspective - this is from a physical perspective. I am better now, but between weeks 6 and 14, if I was 10 feet downwind of it, it would make me violently ill. Same for the smell of alcohol on someone's breath. My poor boyfriend once had half a beer, and I couldn't sit next to him. He was sent upstairs to brush his teeth. Now in my second tri-mester, that has abated.

The experts give you so much to freak out about. ( I haven't painted my nails in the last 4 months because I was told horror stories about the formaldehyde in nail polish. ) Just do what you feel is safe, what is good for you and what your body tolerates.

Will a glass of wine be a disaster - no - but if you polish off a bottle of wine per night, why would you be surprised if your little bumpkin had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome? Will one little piece of stinky cheese cause you to have an alien? No but don't eat a pack a day. Remember with most of these tests they have probably taken some miserable little pregnant rat, drowned it in whatever substance they are testing and then said - See - that's what happens.

So there you go, I am no doctor and obviously this is not medical advice, but moderation is the key. So I'm going to do what feels right for me and have a bit of smoked salmon and stinky cheese every once in a while.

Get a Life and Get a Haircut.

2012-05-27T10:46:00.000+02:00

Not Worth the Squeezing

I notice weird things now that I'm pregnant. Things that I never gave much thought to before. I was sitting on a bus the other, and saw this guy who was clearly a methaddict or something of that description. Super skinny, probably in his mid twenties, a lot of teeth missing with a mangy looking dog, and sitting next to him was a sullen little girl, who I can only assume was his daughter.

Later on that day, we had a guy come and fix our internet connection. I think he hadn't bathed for about a week. He was sporting a really greasy comb over, had big brown pit stains on his yellow shirt and a tummy hanging about 8 inches over his belt. Clearly from the planet Vulgaria.

While Captain Vulgaria was in the house I looked through the window across the street, and checked out our gaggle of neighbours. We unfortunately had a bunch of houses that were left vacant for over a year by a bankrupt developer and so we had a bunch of squatters move in ( luckily we have also just got a court order to remove them). They play their death metal in the middle of the day. It sounds like some poor animal is dying in a fight. They smoke joints in the middle of the street, and sport hair cuts that look like they had an accident with a lawn mower. Their dogs are left to bark for hours and hours on end. They pay nothing for where they live, do nothing all day and devalue our houses more and more for every second they are there. They are the only people who cause a problem on our street.

All I can think when I see these people is the following: Some poor woman carried you for nine months, went through some kind of painful labour, and quite frankly, you just weren't worth the squeezing.

Maybe that's the great thing about having a dog - it can never grow up to be a crack whore.

Riff Raff. I salute you. Now get a life, get a job, and get a haircut. :p

15 weeks and Sickness Be Gone ( Finally)

2012-05-24T12:07:00.000+02:00

The Light at The End of the Tunnel

Ok Girls, there is good news! 15 weeks and my sickness has finally abated. Break open the cranberry juice and fly some balloons. I am celebrating today. A 7 day vomitless stint. My head hasn't swiveled around once, the priest is no longer trying to exorcise the demon, the toilet is no longer my best friend, my dog no longer feels sorry for me. All is well. I am a happy hippo. Or as Ron says ' You are My hippo' Aww..

Last week I had so little energy, that I took my dog for a short walk and seriously thought I wasn't going to make it back home. I did half the walk that I normally do with Raffi ( poor pooch) and had to mentally coach myself to get home. I was thinking. Come on, it's only 250 more metres, you can do it. Ok 100. Take it slow. Breathe. It was unbelievable and really scary. My dog realised something was wrong and when I stopped, sat by my feet, looked up at me and licked my leg.

But a couple of days ago, I felt so good, I met loads of other dog walkers and Raffi made some doggy friends. I feel like my life is returning to normal. Yes I am still mildly nauseous. But I don't mind mildly nauseous too much. I just don't like that continual acidy lethargic sensation. Thank God I think that is over.

To any of you who are still going through this - trust me, I feel for you. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I still eat weirdly ( I had a banana, an apple and a Mango for dinner with no ability to eat anything else) but i don't mind that. Energy is wonderful. I am glad it is my friend again. And so I wish it for all of you too and I am here to tell you that it will come back and I am sending it to you. xx

Pregnancy Nesting

2012-05-22T23:54:00.002+02:00

Get Your DIY Freak On

Ok, I have heard of this nesting urge, and I have got it bad. You see this house above? I found this on a real estate website and just know that it's mine. How am I going to afford it? No idea. However. This is my house. Mine. Miiiiiiinnnnnneeee. I am obsessed by it. It is beautiful and exactly what I want. I want to move in there with my pooch and my boyfriend and make it my home. My house isn't actually for sale, and we have no intention to move at the moment, but still, I know this house is meant for me.

So many things are going through my warped preggo brain at the moment. I want to paint my whole house, sand down the floors, buy new stuff, get rid of anything that doesn't match. Actually i want to add a new floor to the house, and make loads of little tweaks. My boyfriend is going away for a couple of weeks. I have a feeling that in time yours truly will turn into a DIY monster. I am dying to do it.

Normally i hate cleaning anything, my boyfriend is the neat freak ( thank God) now this is changing. I am actually starting to enjoy wiping down counters and cleaning off computer screens. Anyone else with this disease?

Pregnant and Braindead

2012-05-20T11:55:00.003+02:00

Brain Slipping Out of My Ears

I don't know about you, but my brain doesn't work anymore. To the point that I bumped into some neighbours while out walking my dog the other day. I have never been to her house, and she has never been to mine, and she suggested that we get together for cofffee. Lizbet said to me, " What is the number of your house.?" I said "14". She said, "Um, Alison, I live in 14." At which point i said " Oh god, no, sorry, 9". How embarassing. Pregnancy strikes again.

At other times, I will be talking and completely forget what I am saying in the middle of a sentence. Like a thought has been pulled out of my head by some naughty imp. Where does it go? I now understand why the men of the 1950s thought that women were dumb, overly emotional and didn't like sex. If you got married as a virgin and got immediately pregnant - your brain would disappear, you would cry over nothing, and your sex drive would disappear completely. Maybe that's where all this sexism came from. Just a thought.

But other embarrassing things I have done recently:

1) I burned a boiled egg and destroyed a pot. How you ask? I left an egg boiling, completely forgot about it, and it was only once the smell got to me, that I realised all the water had evaporated, and the egg was black, burning and stuck to the bottom of the saucepan. Bye bye saucepan. RIP.

2)forgotten someone's name who I have known for 20 years as I'm in the middle of a conversation with them.

3)) Repeated the same story over and over again like i'm 82. My Grandma used to do this.

4)) Stopped talking because I couldn't remember what the hell I was saying.

5)) Forgot appointments that I had made that same morning

6) Whilst talking on the phone, excused myself for a couple of seconds to answer the front door and completely forget that I left someone dangling on the end of the line. Just the way I like to make someone feel important...

Things friends have done ( I'm not the only braindead one - there's an army of us):

1) Got lost driving down their own street

2) Lost the car in the parking lot of the mall after shopping.

3) Been talking and suddenly fell asleep mid conversation

4) Bought a bunch of groceries, paid and left them at the store.

5) Left money in the cash point machine after typing in a pin number

6) Paid all household bills twice in one month

7) Put ice lollies in the cabinet rather than in the freezer, and then realised only when they had melted and were dripping onto the countertop.

8) Misspelled her own name on a form.