Self Strong: Being Authentically You

What is the "Baker Effect" and how do you fix it?

2015-05-19T18:50:00.000-04:00

This is likely the first of several posts about things that used to make me feel inadequate only to find out that I'm not weirdo. But there is a reason that I (and many others...thank god I'm not alone!) do what I do and it is not my fault!

By the way...the "I do" up there in the image is hopefully not a time that the Baker Effect strikes. That would be embarrassing!

In all seriousness, there were in fact several things that I experienced growing up and throughout my life that were different than what others experienced. Or I was clearly less skilled at something than others and I consistently wondered what was wrong with me. Well, if you've read any of my other posts or have extrapolated from the title of my blog you've probably guessed that feeling this way does not lead one to feeling good about one's self, and thus less likely to live authentically.

So. One of things at which I am quite terrible is remembering people's names. It seemed as if no matter what I did I could not reliably remember the names of people I just met, whereas others who after having met me for five seconds (I may or may not be exaggerating) several months later could remembered my name, the name of my cat, and what I was wearing. After a enough of these experiences I finally came to a conclusion about my inability to remember other people's names: I just didn't care. That didn't feel very good.

Turns out I was partly right about "not caring." Enter the Baker Effect.

So what is the Baker Effect?

We can remember faces pretty well but names tend to be more difficult. Our brains are just wired that way. Also, when we're around people we are not terribly likely to ever see again we simply may not care enough to try to remember.

The Baker Effect says that if you tell someone that your job is a baker then we have all kinds of mental associations to being a baker that helps us remember the idea of being a baker. We think things like "Oh! they must have access to all the frosting they can eat!" or "I bet they break out a huge stick of butter and slather it on the rolls as soon as they come out of the oven...I want to be a baker."

Basically, we create little stories that goes with this type of information about the person. If, however, someone says their name is Baker there are usually no associations that pop up that go with someone's name since names are random. Our brains require one piece of information to be linked to other pieces of information in order to have a better shot at remembering it.

Here's the link to a Huffington Post article and video that describes name forgetting further.

The good news is there are pretty easy, straight forward strategies we can use to remember people's names.

How do I thwart the Baker Effect?

Turns out it really does take effort for most of us to remember names of people we just met. We really do have to care enough to work at it. Those of you who are good at remembering names may recognize many of these tricks and have already been taught how to use them or naturally developed them out of your own desire to avoid that awkward moment when you're supposed to introduce someone whose name you can't remember to someone else. [That happened to me at my own wedding reception. Awkward!].

Here are seven strategies further described in a video by AsapTHOUGHT here.

Pay attention (ask them to repeat it)
Use their name and repeat it often (Hey Joe. Pass the salt Joe. What time is it Joe. You get the idea...Joe)
Make associations (e.g., who do they remind you of, who else do you know with the same name)
Word play (mnemonic devices) (e.g., alliteration, rhymes)
Spell out their name (ask them do spell it or you can imagine it being spelled out on a type writer or piece of paper)
Help them remember your name (give them an association between your name and something else)
Introduce someone else you do know (and hope the other person offers their name on their own!)

If you struggle to remember names like I do. Try not to beat yourself up and worry that there is something wrong with you - maybe that's just me. Either way developing an understand about why you do what you do can be exceedingly helpful. And learning that there is a reasonable explanation for it can help free you up to focus energy on things that help you grow and live authentically.

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Yesterday and Tomorrow

2014-03-11T14:11:00.000-04:00

Ignore the Past and Forget About the Future!

Yes, we can learn from our mistakes and we can make plans with the future in mind; however, how often do we actually live in the moment? How often is each moment filled with past and future concerns?

Consider "tabling" fears, regrets, and worry for another time. Concentrate on what's going on right now, right in front of you. If you do that, you can certainly learn quite a bit about yourself including whether or not you are doing what you want to be doing.

I often encourage my students to seriously contemplate the existential idea of living in the moment with death on your shoulder. If you knew you would die tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...would you still be doing what you're doing now? If not why not? Are those things worth eliminating from you life? Or at the very least, changing?

The exercise is not meant to be a morbid one, but to encourage each student to understand that their time is finite and that they do not know when the end will come. Living each day with this understanding and awareness will nearly guarantee you will only including things in your life that are necessary (i.e., having a job) and that you want. And even the necessary things can be reconsidered in terms of what you want from life.

Do you really hate your job? If so, why not actively look for something new? Is going to college really a good fit for you? If not, what would be a better fit?

If I knew I had months or even just a handful of years left I would probably keep working. I like what I do and it fuels me psychologically. I also have a decent chunk of time off (I'm a university professor) so I would be able to use (and I do!) that time for whatever I want. There are other things, however, that I would immediately get rid of. At this point, I want to fulfill my commitments, but the things I know I want to get rid of will be gotten rid of as soon as I can...and they will not be replaced. And when "opportunities" like this are offered to me in the future my plan is to answer the questions "Is this how I want to spend my time? What will I have to give up to do this? Is it worth it?"

This is, in my opinion, a highly useful but not necessarily easy exercise. It can help you stay connected to each moment as they are happening and forget about the past and the future.

Here's to the here-and-now!

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I'm Back - I Think.

2014-03-05T10:30:00.001-05:00

It has been a long time since I've published a post. For those of you who have enjoyed my posts (thanks for that!) and have been wondering when the next would be published, this one's for you!

I don't have anything terribly profound to say this go around as I've got to reconnect with the blog mentally. I'm happy to say that I have been attending to things that are important to me and that I have enjoyed. However, there have also been a few things that have required a lot more of my attention that I don't particularly enjoy or want in my life any longer. These things have an expiration date and I plan not to renew!

I am still learning when to say no to things and I am still learning what truly makes me happy - what I mean by that is there are things I take on that I think will contribute to my overall happiness only to find that I was wrong. That's okay. That's part of the process. But it can be frustrating, especially when these things involve a lengthy commitment.

This blog is as much a reminder to readers to remain true to one's self as it is to me. I'm a lot further along on this journey than I ever have been, but I've still got some travelling to do. I'm not sure there really is a final destination. As long as we remain open to the voice inside us that has some ideas about what we want and don't want in our lives we'll keep travelling and we'll keep learning.

As for me, right now, my plan is to be sure I've got time carved out for this blog. I really do enjoy writing for it and sharing my ideas. Thanks for sticking around and as always please comment below or send me an e-mail (doctorchristineselby at gmail dot com).

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The Truth About Developing Self-Esteem That Others Won't Tell You

2014-01-15T13:43:00.001-05:00

Does The Truth About Self-Esteem Have To Do With Perception?

The caption for the image on the left is "self-esteem and perception." And as you can see embedded in the image itself is "What matters most is how you see yourself."

Hmm. Really? Is this the truth, the secret, to developing self-esteem?

I like the idea of picturing what you want to become or what you aspire to be. In fact imagery and visualization for this purpose in sport is highly effective. However, you have to be visualizing something that is within the realm of possibility.

Can a cat really become a lion? No. If I wanted to could I become the next 26.2 mile (i.e., marathon) world champion? I don't think so.

Am I selling myself short? Am I being defeatist and not allowing myself to contemplate my true potential? I don't think so. I am a distance runner. I have completed a marathon, but I wasn't even close to winning that local marathon let alone posting a time that would make world class marathoners take notice. Probably what would be realistic would be to imagine myself posting a time that would allow me to qualify for the Boston Marathon (not just anyone can pay their money and enter that race - you have to be fast enough).

So, no. Perception is not the secret to developing self-esteem.

If It's Not About Perception, Then What?

There is a lot, and I mean A LOT, of information out there on self-esteem. I entered "self esteem" into the Google search bar and was told that my search generated "About 42,500,00 results in 0.46 seconds." That's forty-two and a half million results in less than half a second. First of all, wow. That's a lot of results. Second of all, wow. That's really fast!

There is no shortage of advice and lists. You can throw a feather and hit some advice on self-esteem. But they're all missing something really important. No, I didn't check all forty-two and a half million results, but here are a few examples of what is typical.

PsychCentral.com has an article that lists things to do to raise your self-esteem: Get sober; practice self-care; identify triggers to low self-esteem; slow down personalizing; stop and take notice; acknoweldge reaction; choose response; accept impulse; and develop skills.

Another article via PsychologyToday.com encourages us to develop self-compassion rather than self-esteem.

And this article from Psychology.About.com reminds us that phrases that mean the same thing as self-esteem or mean something similar are: self-worth, self-respect, and self-value.

No bad. Pretty complete. But missing one key element.

What Are All Of These Articles Missing?

I do not fundamentally disagree with the things that are listed or discussed in these articles. But they all assume one very important thing that may or may not be true for you. And that is what they are missing.

What do they all assume but do not discuss?

That you already have a sense of who you are. That you already have a well-defined self.

What if you don't? What if you're not sure who you are?

The truth about developing self-esteem that others won't tell you is that you have to have a sense of self first. Then, and only then, can you develop self-esteem.

To put it another way: You cannot develop self-esteem without having a self about which to be esteemed!

Additionally, there is the issue of whether or not your self is your true self. Is the self-esteem you believe you have based on who you truly are. Or have you crafted a savvy and/or well-like self that is actually a false-self. It looks good. People like it. But is it really you?

Just like you can't develop self-esteem without a sense of self, you also cannot develop true self-esteem based on a false self.

If you have a well-developed sense of who you are (i.e., you are being the most authentic version of yourself you know how to be) then by all means, read some of these articles to which I've linked above and other articles that are out there. There are, after all, forty-two and a half million to choose from!

But before you do, ask yourself: Do I really know who I am? Do I know who my true, authentic self is?

If the answer is "no" or "I'm not sure" I highly recommend working on that before putting time and energy into liking a version of yourself that is incomplete or false.

For a few places to start you can read about self-awareness and choice, the language of your true self, and self-talk on this blog.

Once you figure out who you truly are and live as authentically as possible, you may find that self-esteem is not an issue because you've already got it!

What Do You Think?

Do you think self-esteem can be developed before knowing who you really are? What other things might be important on your quest to develop self-esteem? Let me know in the comments below. I'd love to hear from you!

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Being Self Strong = Being Mentally Tough

2014-01-05T23:09:00.000-05:00

Being Self Strong means you are mentally strong.

There are a lot of articles out there on mental toughness - what it is, what it isn't, how to get it. Much that has been written about mental toughness is from the perspective of developing and using this skill in high performance situations. Usually that means on the athletic field, in Fortune 500 board rooms, in theaters on Broadway, in surgical theaters and in wartime theaters. The reality is we all need mental toughness. We may not be trying to win a long-shot wild card game in the NFL, or perform an opera flawlessly, but we all must perform in our lives. There are just fewer spectators of our performances.

What is Mental Toughness?

Being mentally tough means you are able to perform at your fullest potential no matter the circumstances. For athletes that may mean pushing through physical pain, making a good play just after making a serious mistake, staying focused despite fan and opposing player taunts, etc. Being able to turn things around even when things look like "it's over."

For parents it may mean performing (i.e., making good parenting decisions) when your kids are screaming at you, maybe even hitting you, certainly making your life hell. Having your buttons pushed (kids find your weak spots very easily it seems) but making the hard decisions anyway - i.e., not letting your kids manipulate you and following through on consequences.

You're able to perform despite distractions. When you become distracted you are able to recognize that quickly and refocus. Some might even suggest that those who are mentally tough are "in the zone" more often than not.

Parents or athletes. Ballerinas or school teachers. Maintaining one's mental toughness is not easy. But how do you develop it to begin with? I believe it starts with knowing who you truly are.

What Does Being Self Strong Have To Do With It?

First of all, for those who may be new to this blog let me briefly let you know what I mean by being "Self Strong." This refers to knowing who you are. Who you truly are, and expressing who you are unapologetically. Knowing who you truly are, who you authentically are, is not necessarily an easy thing to figure out. I've blogged a little bit about how to figure it out here.

Being Self Strong means that you know what you value, and what you want and what you don't want from life.

When you are Self Strong you are able to make decisions and enact choices that reflect who you truly are. This means you will be confident in your choices. You will be much less likely to second guess yourself when your decisions have unintended or negative consequences.

Mentally strong people do not dwell on mistakes or missed opportunities because they know the decisions they made that led to that point were made from a place of strength and authenticity. That doesn't mean such folks are immune to regret, frustration or even anger. Self Strong people can make mistakes. They may come to realize that their values and desires may have changed which may mean that some decisions are no longer a good fit. What they will do next is stop to figure out what went wrong and adjust. They may use self-talk like this: "Now that I know that, I'll do it differently next time."

I firmly believe that we all do the very best we can in each moment of our lives. And in turn, each moment of our lives can teach us something about ourselves and the world around us. The more we remain open to full awareness, the more Self Strong we can become.

Be Mentally Tough. Develop Your Self Strength.

If mental toughness is something you have wanted to develop, I recommend determining how well you truly know yourself and how well you are able to be you. Knowing who you truly are and living your life based on that knowledge will never be an act. You will never have to remember what you're "supposed to do" or how you're "supposed to act."

You'll just know because it will just be you. And you will be mentally strong.

In my opinion, being as self-aware as possible can be liberating. It means that the expectations of others can be viewed with interest and perhaps even acted upon, but knowing who you truly are and being Self Strong means you do not have to be beholden to who others think you ought to be.

After all, aren't you the one who knows you best - or are, at least, in the best position to figure it out?

What do you think?

Share your thoughts, ideas, disagreements in the comments below. Have I captured what it means to be mentally tough? Do you think developing self-awareness is important? Is being mentally tough important? I'd love to hear from you!

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How To Make New Year's Resolutions You Can Achieve: Guaranteed!

2013-12-31T00:30:00.000-05:00

Yes. Seriously. Guaranteed. Well, almost guaranteed. I certainly don't have any say about what your New Year's Resolutions are, how you go about achieving them, and how serious you really are about achieving them; but, what I can offer is a way to approach your Resolutions so your chance of success is much greater than it would be otherwise - practically guaranteed! And, as an added bonus, they are more likely to reflect who you truly are and will therefore be Self Strong New Year's Resolutions!

Some people declare New Year's Resolutions because "everyone else does" and they kinda think they have to have one but don't really care either way. Some people declare their New Year's Resolutions because they really want to have one and they really want to achieve it. Still others are ambivalent about whether or not to declare one and if they do, whether or not they want to achieve it.

Do you know which one you are? If you want to set and achieve a New Year's Resolution, even a little bit, then this post is for you. If you don't want to declare a New Year's Resolution because they've never "worked" in the past - this post is for you too.

New Year's Resolutions often reflect our hope for the future. We hope to be better in some way, or to make the world a better place. Basically, the idea behind New Year's Resolutions is that we can leave behind what we didn't like about the previous year(s) and embark on a path that will lead to greater happiness and overall satisfaction. Philosophically, New Year's Resolutions are a really nice idea. The problem is most of us make really bad New Year's Resolutions. I don't mean to suggest that what you are striving for is "bad" but the way in which you declare your Resolution almost guarantees you won't reach it.

Despite the pomp and circumstance, and lore surrounding New Year's Resolutions they are nothing more than goals. Yup. Your New Year's Resolutions are goals and most of us embark on our New Year's Goals on January 1st with hope but not much else. What follows is a description of how to set effective goals. I'll keep it in the language of New Year's Resolutions, but make no mistake, we're talking about goal setting and there is much the field of psychology (and in particular sport psychology) knows about setting effective goals. So, if you'd rather keep your New Year's Resolutions in the realm of the ethereal, it's probably not a good idea to read any further. I'm going to pull back the curtain, take away the mystery and awe, and provide step by step instructions on setting effective New Year's ~~Resolutions~~ Goals.

So, how do you set achievable New Year's Resolutions? They need to be SMART. Nope. I'm not yelling at you. "SMART" is an acronym to remember several important elements in setting effective goals. So to begin...what is your New Year's Resolution? It is useful to have your Resolution in mind as we go through this. If you're not yet sure, come back to this post when you have decided on your Resolution and go through these steps to make sure your Resolution is a SMART one.

Making SMART New Year's Resolutions

1. Specific. Your New Year's Resolution needs to be specific.
It is common for people to declare Resolutions that are murky, muddled and non-specific. While Resolutions like "Lose Weight" or "Study Harder" or "Be a Better Person" sound specific, they are not. This criteria will help recraft your Resolution so you can achieve it this year. The "Specific" step encompasses much of what will follow with the other four criteria, but considering these things up front will help as you hone your Resolution throughout the remaining steps.

When crafting Specific Resolutions, it is useful to consider the questions that often show up on party invitations (and a few that don't):

Who? Does your Resolution only involve you? Does it require anyone else? Or do you
need help/support from anyone else to help you achieve your Resolution? Do you need a
Resolution buddy - someone with a similar Resolution and/or who can be a cheerleader for
you?
What? What, specifically, do you want to accomplish with your Resolution? Do you just
want to put in more hours studying or do you hope to earn a specific GPA?
Where? Okay, yes, on earth. But where, specifically? Does working toward your
Resolution only occur at home, at work, at the mall, all of the above? Knowing this can help
you plan and adjust when necessary.
When? I don't think most people think in terms of "over what period of time" their Resolution
will take place but it is useful to do so. Is this an ongoing Resolution - i.e., does "becoming
a better person" go on forever? Or, is your Resolution achievable in a specified period of
time - i.e., 2 weeks? 3 months? A few days? Establishing the time-line is critical to setting
effective Resolutions.
Why? Why this particular Resolution? Why is it important to you? The "Why" question gets
at your motivation for the Resolution. As you think about your answer(s) to this question, you
may find that your reason(s) for setting your particular Resolution are not sustainable,
especially if your reason(s) have to do with someone else - i.e., to get someone else's
attention, to make someone do or be something different. Be sure your Resolution is
something truly meaningful to you and something you really want to achieve.

2. Measurable. Your New Year's Resolution needs to be Measurable.
When something is measurable it means that you can quantify it in some way. Being able to measure your Resolution allows you to know when a change has been made - and ultimately, when your Resolution has been achieved. This part of SMART Resolution building means that you need concrete criteria for how you're going to measure your progress.

Saying that you want "more" or "less" of something, or to be "better" at something is not measurable (nor is it specific for that matter). More or less than what? Better than what? How will you know when to stop? Or when you're better enough? For example, a common New Year's Resolution is to "Lose Weight" (I'm not a fan of this one for a multitude of reasons, but it is a common one nonetheless.). How much? You'll know when you lose weight, but will you know when to stop? How will you measure this? By a number on a scale? By how your clothes fit? Which clothes? When are you trying them on or when are you weighing yourself (our weight fluctuates throughout the day)? Regardless of what your Resolution is, you need to figure out how you're going to measure it so you have a clear picture of your progress.

Having a concrete way to measure your Resolution helps to guarantee that you'll not only know whether or not you're headed in the right direction, but when you've achieved what you Resolved to achieve.

3. Attainable. Your Resolution must be something you can Attain.
There is some overlap between this one and the next; however, this one captures the notion of "how." How are you going to achieve your Resolution? What steps do you have to take to achieve it. So you want to "Study Harder." That's nice. How are you going to go about doing that? Do you need to attend class more frequently? Read the book and complete the assignments? Find a more quiet place to study? Are these and other things you are willing to do? If not, your Resolution is not achievable or attainable.

4. Realistic. Is your Resolution Realistic for you?
Have you set a Resolution that is realistic for you? Are you able to do what needs to be done in order to achieve your Resolution? This criteria focuses on your capacity to reach the Resolution you've declared. Do you have the skills and abilities to achieve your Resolution? Have you set a time frame (see #5 below) that is realistic for you to achieve your Resolution? This criteria may require some brutal honesty from you or someone else you trust. If you have never earned an A in a class in your life, is it realistic to Resolve to get a 4.0 for the semester? Maybe it genuinely is a realistic Resolution - only you know know that. Maybe you know you've never taken your studies seriously and have never put in the time and effort to reach your fullest potential in this way. On the other hand, if you have consistently worked really hard in your studies and have never earned an A, it is likely that a 4.0 is not realistic...but another GPA might be.

Take stock of who you are and what skills and abilities you have. Check these out with someone else who cares about you and whom you trust. See if they agree that you are capable of achieving your Resolution. If they hesitate - enlist their help for how you might make it more realistic. The cool thing is, if you change your Resolution to something seemingly more realistic and you find along the way that the original Resolution is in fact achievable...you can change back to that one (see Final Thoughts below)!

5. Timely. Your New Year's Resolution should be Timely or have a Time frame.
Your Resolution needs a time frame. How much time do you need - overall and for each step (see #3 above) along the way? Not giving yourself a specific time or date of completion allows for procrastination. You can just keep putting it off until it is "too late" (not sure when things really are too late but it can feel that way). This criteria can also help you determine how Realistic your Resolution is. Sometimes we bite off more than we can chew when it comes to setting due dates for ourselves. We mean well, but haven't really thought through if we can realistically accomplish what we think we can given everything else going on in our lives. If you know something requires 40 hours to complete and you think "That's like a work week. I have a week off from work right now. I can make that happen." Really? Is that what you want to do during that week. Were you hoping for more down time? Will your kids/spouse/friends/family support this? Perhaps it is realistic; but, again it is important to be honest with yourself about your time frame and due dates.

Final Thoughts About Making Achievable New Year's Resolutions

SMART Resolutions are not nearly as exciting as setting Resolutions the good old fashioned way. Setting Resolutions like you're used to is a lot playing craps. You declare your Resolution then roll the dice and see what happens. Maybe you'll achieve it. Maybe you won't. That can be kind of exciting. You don't know what will happen. But if you want to have a better chance of predicting success, work your Resolutions in a SMART way.

Two final thoughts that are not directly a part of SMART goal setting but are also important: 1) The Wording of Your Resolution and 2) Flexibility.

The Wording of your Resolution
Goals and Resolutions tend to be more effective (i.e., achievable) when they are worded in
the affirmative. That is, worded in terms of what you want do rather than what you don't
want to do. Saying what you don't want to do sets a more negative tone and depending on
the Resolution can immediately set up a sense of deprivation - "I am not allowed to do this
any more" - which usually does not feel good. So instead of "I am no longer going to eat
any chips or sweets" (that one is a recipe for disaster anyway) a more effective Resolution
would be "I want to eat more fruits, vegetables and lean meats." Note that the word "more"
needs to be defined so it is Specific and Measurable.

Flexibility
If you, in good, faith work with your New Year's Resolution to make it a SMART one and you
find that it is not working out, you can change it! We so often think, although I don't know
why, that Goals and Resolutions are set in stone. What if you learned something about
yourself or your situation that you didn't know up front (or couldn't face)? Why should you
torture yourself by spinning your wheels trying to achieve a Resolution you now know you
can't realistically achieve, or don't have what you need right now in order to achieve it? Or
what if your Resolution wasn't challenging enough? You thought it was, but found that you
want to push yourself further. There is no reason you cannot change your Resolution
to reflect the current reality of your life.

So there you have it. A 5 step process and a couple of additional pointers to help you set Self Strong New Year's Resolutions you can achieve (almost) guaranteed! Here's to your SMART Resolutions. And Happy New Year!

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Do You Hate People?

2013-12-28T14:59:00.002-05:00

So. Do you hate people? This question is one that is often asked of introverts. And the assumption by others, often extraverts, is that they do hate people. Nothing could be further from the truth.

So, what we're talking about here is a set of concepts (introversion and extraversion) developed by Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung. Jung suggested that many of us are aligned with one or the other, but that ideally we'd be able to live comfortably as either/or. That is, that at times we'd need and want to express our extraversion and at times our introversion.

So what do these two things mean? They refer to the ways in which we are oriented to the world around us or to our inner worlds. And, they refer to the ways in which we are energized or become recharged. Extraverts are oriented to the world around them. They thrive when they are able to interact with people and situations around them. Introverts on the other hand are oriented to their inner world and thrive when they are able to direct their energy to their thoughts and ideas. Practically what this means is that introverts need time alone. They do not do well when they are around people consistently. They are drained mentally and physically. The fix? Time alone to read, think, meditate, whatever. But the key is that they take time to be alone with their thoughts. There are other features that characterize introverts and extraverts which you can find here.

Introverts are often misunderstood creatures. Since somewhere in the neighborhood of 75% of the population are extraverts and much of our daily lives revolves around interacting with others, there is often confusion on both ends of the spectrum on why being alone is preferred or even necessary. So when introverts close their doors, leave the room, or directly ask for time alone the reaction often is something along the lines of:

"What's wrong? Is everything okay?" or

"Are you mad at me?" or

"Why don't you like people? Do you hate them?"

Since extraverts can't fathom the appeal of time alone (because time alone with their thoughts and feelings is as equally draining as time around people is to an introvert), they often think something is wrong. And because introverts might not understand what's going on, they often think something is wrong too. Thus, introverts can be left feeling confused, like there must be something wrong, and wonder if they really do hate people. So in the spirit of clearing things up, let me provide the answers to all of those questions above:

"Nothing is wrong. I'm fine. I just need some time alone." and

"No I'm not mad at you. I just need some time alone." and

"I do like people. I just need some time alone."

How do I know so much about this? Well, I've studied it, I teach it...and...I'm an introvert. It took me some time to fully understand that what I was experiencing was introversion, and that it is okay. I'm okay. Prior to that, I pretty consistently thought there was something wrong with me because I really didn't want to be around people as much as my friends seemed to. Somewhere in my late twenties/early thirties I more fully understood what being an introvert meant and that it is just different than being an extravert. Not worse or better than being an extravert. Just different.

I work with people in my private practice who think about this like I used to. They think there is something wrong with them and are relieved when they are told that what they need (i.e., time by themselves) is normal. The hard part can be convincing others in their life that it is normal and that time alone is not a rejection of the other person, nor is it an indication that something is wrong. Being alone in this way is not about kicking people out of our lives. It is simply about recharging our batteries so we have the energy to be the quirky person you know and love.

Although my husband says he believes he's become more of an introvert over the years (yes it is possible to "switch sides" and in fact Jung suggested being able to engage fully with one's external and internal worlds is ideal) it took us some time to work out how I expressed my introvert needs, and how he understood them. We had our fair share of arguments that went something like:

Me: <heading to a room where I could be alone>

My husband: "Is something wrong? Are you okay?"

Me: "I'm fine."

My husband: "Are you sure?"

Me: <starting to feel angry at being asked again> "Yes, I'm sure."

Now, when this conversation happens, I can say something like: "Something's about to be wrong if you keep asking me!" We both smile and laugh a little and he knows what I need is my "introvert time." Nothing more. Nothing less. But critical to my well being.

So, introverts:
Learn to recognize when you are close to being overwhelmed by others.
Learn to ask for time alone.
Learn how much time alone you realistically need.
Learn how to negotiate this especially if you have small children who require A LOT of time.

And, extraverts:
Respect your introvert's need to have time alone.
Learn how to not take this personally by telling yourself it is not personal.
Help negotiate how their time alone can be managed given the realities and demands of
your life together.
If you feel like your introvert is taking too much time alone (i.e., you miss them) learn how to
respectfully ask if more time with them is possible (and introvert...be honest with yourself and
your extravert).

Introverts and extraverts can peacefully coexist. It just takes understanding one another, and honesty about each needs. And, in my opinion, the most important thing to remember is that neither is better than the other. These are just two different ways of interacting with the world and ourselves - there are pros and cons for both.

Coming Next: "Making New Year's Resolutions You Can Achieve: Guaranteed!"

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The Journey - A poem by Mary Oliver

2013-12-18T09:44:00.001-05:00

The poem below by Mary Oliver is one I hadn't seen before. It was published today in the Writer's Almanac and sent to me. I will not attempt to offer a description, explanation, or anything else that may fall woefully short of Ms. Oliver's poignant words.

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice—

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world

determined to do

the only thing you could do—

determined to save

the only life you could save.

"The Journey," by Mary Oliver, from Dreamwork. © Grove Atlantic, 1996.

Self-Strong Lyrics

2013-12-05T16:00:00.001-05:00

Greeting faithful readers. It has been over a month since I've posted anything. The month of November was simply more chaotic than I anticipated. I believe I'm back on track to being able to post more regularly!

I have been thinking about a number of post topics including things like introverted and extraverted people, ways to remain Self Strong this holiday season, and the differences between "cat people" and "dog people." Another one that had been rolling around in my head for quite some time are song lyrics that reflect Self Strength.

Music can be quite powerful. Music preferences, however, are decidedly individualistic and quite personal. What moves one person emotionally to tears might evoke anger in another because they can't stand the melody or the sound of the performer's voice. What may be more universal, however, are the lyrics. One of the newer songs to make it to the radio (although I think has been out for a month or more by now) is "Demons" by Imagine Dragons. The lyrics to this song paired with the melody (and the video is quite powerful too) usually leaves me tearful. The lyrics remind me of the transformation that began within me when I was an undergraduate student and the poignant realization that there are some not so great things that reside in me; things I have endeavored to extinguish altogether, or things that I've recognized can be tamed and lived with.

There are other songs that seem more oriented to Self Strength specifically. Some of these songs are joyful, whereas others are defiant and angry. Below are the lyric to three such songs. They are listed here because they are on my play list (which means I also like the melody) but are, by no means the only songs that inspire one to be one's self - no matter what that is, and no matter what other's may say.

"The Middle" by Jimmy Eats World

Hey, don't write yourself off yet

It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.

Just try your best, try everything you can.

And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, you know they're all the same.

You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.

Live right now.

Yeah, just be yourself.

It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.

It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.

Just do your best, do everything you can.

And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

"Numb" by Linkin Park

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertone)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertone)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertone)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertone)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

"Brave" by Sara Bareilles

You can be amazing

You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug

You can be the outcast

Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love

Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do

When they settle ‘neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,

Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy

Fallen for the fear

And done some disappearing,

Bow down to the mighty

Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in

Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence

Won’t do you any good,

Did you think it would?

Let your words be anything but empty

Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

I'd love to hear in the comment the names of songs you find inspiring on your journey to Self Strength. Please list lyrics, parts of lyrics, song titles, performer names, or a description of any other art form that captures the spirit of living authentically.

Dance Like Nobody's Watching!

2013-10-24T09:20:00.003-04:00

***The link that I originally included no longer works. I've updated the post to include a working link to the video. Enjoy!

Holy smokes! If you haven't seen this video yet you are in for a treat! I've watched it several times since it came across my feed on a social network yesterday. I smile and laugh out loud every time. This little girl seems to be having a blast expressing herself. And, she's not following the prescribed routine...at all! Well, maybe a little bit, but she's dressed it up with her own flavor.

At any rate, I count her among the seriously Self Strong and hope she does not lose her uniqueness and joy in expressing herself just as she is!

Hope you enjoy this video as much as I have. And hope you can think of ways to dance like nobody's watching in your life!

(Just in case the video didn't load for you, here's the direct link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXowYIZpYpo

What Language Does Your True Self Speak?

2013-10-21T23:32:00.000-04:00

The following is a quote from a NY Times blog post published on-line:

"How is one to know which aspect of a person counts as that person’s true self?"
(here's a link to the article http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/06/05/in-search-of-the-true-self/?_r=0).

This is an interesting question. How do you know? How do you know when you declare something out loud or to yourself that you have expressed a part of your true, authentic self? How do you know when you dive into a pursuit of any kind that you are on an authentic path?

If you've been socialized in the way that most of us have been, it may be very difficult to know for certain what is truly you and what is what other's expect of you. If that's the case then your True Self is likely buried under layers of expectations, "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts", and "what will others think?"

What I mean by all that is from a very early age many of us were taught to keep our feelings to ourselves, especially if they might hurt someone else's feelings. Think about it. How many times have you seen/heard a kid do or say something that was an honest-to-goodness authentic expression of who they were, what they were feeling, or what they were thinking only to be told by an adult something like "You don't mean that" or "That's not okay. Take that back" or "You should be ashamed of yourself." I'm sure many of you can make a rational argument for when these comments may be appropriate; however, what I'm referring to are the times when what was said by a child simply made an adult uncomfortable. There was nothing really wrong with what the child said or did but it caused discomfort in someone else - and that is what was deemed to be not okay. Instead of teaching the child how to say what they were thinking or feeling in a way that is more kind (or tactful), or letting them know that perhaps that is something that is better kept to themselves (i.e., not EVERYTHING has to be said out loud for goodness sake!) the child is told that their experience is not okay.

At this point kids do some pretty complex psychological arithmetic.

If that was what I was really feeling. And I was told that what I was feeling is not okay. Then, it's not okay that I was feeling that. Which means I'm not okay.

Yup. Kids really do that. Not quite that deliberately or consciously. But kids have a knack for seriously personalizing most things.

Throw on top of that your very typical (and seemingly innocuous) admonitions like:

"Put a coat on, it's cold outside."
"But I'm not cold."
"Yes you are, put a coat on." or "I don't care, put one on anyway."

and, thus, begins the questioning and second-guessing of our authentic experiences and the beginnings of the disconnect from our True Selves.

Lest I get annihilated by parent readers, let me say that I am a parent of two boys. I'd love to say that I am the first in the history of parents to be a perfect one...but, alas, I am not.

*Moment of silence.*

I imagine I'm messing up my kids in ways I can't see right now, but one of the things I have been seriously sensitive to is what their experiences are. We have had really interesting discussions around the dinner table about things as simple as food preferences and that we all have different ones. That doesn't make us weird or strange...just different from one another. I think my kids are tired of hearing it from me, but they are now pretty fluent in the idea that different does not mean anything other than different. Not better or worse...just different. So when my kid says "I'm not cold" as he's running around the house in shorts and no shirt during the winter and I'm wrapped up in a sweater and an afghan, I assume he is in tune with his body and knows exactly how it feels - because I've tried my best to not interfere with his interpretation of what his body is telling him. And btw...when my boys were younger and insisted they didn't need a coat to go outside in 40 degree weather, out they went coatless only to come back inside 5 minutes later asking for their coat. I never said anything other than - "Here it is honey."

So...back to the original question. How do you know when you've landed on something about yourself that is truly a reflection of your True Self rather than a creation of someone else's idea of who you should be? In my opinion comfort and contentment meters are excellent barometers of true self expression.

My kids and their coatless adventures quickly resulted in discomfort from the cold. Their bodies told them what they needed and so they fixed it. They didn't need me to tell them. This is precisely what I try to do for myself. I'm pretty much all set with the coat thing, but when it comes to other matters like: What do I want to do with my day? What path do I want my career to take? Do I really want to start a blog? I try my best to anticipate what my realistic options are and contemplate what each one might feel like.

Granted I can't base all my decisions on how I feel - there's a lot of necessary stuff that wouldn't get done if I did. But, my feelings and preferences are absolutely an important part of the equation. I'm still trying to figure out all of the nuances of how to spend my time each day such as: Do I sleep in or get up and exercise? Do I grade these papers now or watch my favorite show? What I have come to realize about myself is that I like how I feel when I'm fit so I try to maintain a regular exercise routine. I also like to not have grading hanging over my head day after day so I try to get it done as soon as I can. I'm not always successful at these things. And when I'm really unsuccessful at them I'm reminded why what I'm doing isn't so great and is therefore not a good fit for me. I feel less energized and sluggish when my body is out of shape, or I feel the constant stress that comes from having a stack of papers that have gone ungraded for days or weeks.

Both my body and my mind know when they're uncomfortable and when they're content. It is my job to listen. They're both really pretty smart. They've both got a lot to say if I just listen. At times, though, I'm pretty sure one or both are speaking French. I know a little bit of French but I am far from fluent. I get bits and pieces but can miss huge chunks of the message. So I have tried my very best to learn the language that my body and my mind are speaking. That can take an enormous amount of time and energy. Sometimes I really feel like I don't have it. But when I do, I dive in and try to decipher what they are trying to tell me. And when I really listen, and understand the language they are speaking I hear loud and clear that they are telling me precisely what I need to know in order to live a happy and contented life; a life that is authentic and that reflects my True Self.

I really do, after all, know exactly what is best for me. I've just got to listen.

What language is your True Self speaking? Are you already fluent, or do you need lessons?

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Are You Hearing Voices?

2013-10-19T12:08:00.000-04:00

I've blogged a bit about how others in our lives may have a negative effect on our comfort with expressing who we truly are. But what about ourselves? How much do we get in our own way? How much time and energy do we spend talking ourselves out of being who we truly are? How effectively do we weaken our resolve to be Self Strong?

What I'm referring to is "self-talk." Self-talk is the voice inside our heads. The voice is our own, but can certainly be mimicking what we've heard other's say. It can be positive, negative and sometimes neutral. It is a running commentary on how we're doing. Sometimes the self-talk thoughts we have get uttered out loud. As a sport psychologist this is something that I address with athletes who are struggling to perform at their very best. If you watch any sports at all, especially televised sports, you will often see athletes or coaches utter something to themselves after a play. Even if you can't hear what they've said you can often tell if the self-talk was positive or negative by their body language.

Self-talk is also an issue, however, for most of us just trying to live our lives as productively and satisfactorily as possible. The most damaging and defeating type of self-talk is, of course, of the negative variety. When I work with people in my practice as a psychologist I often ask about what they are thinking - in that particular moment or at the time something else happened. Sometimes my patients will tell me that they don't know what they are thinking or that they aren't thinking anything. Although I typically take what my patients say at face value, this is one of those instances where I wonder if they are right. I believe that they are absolutely telling me the truth of their conscious perception of the situation (i.e., what they are aware of); however, I also think there is a good chance that their self-talk has been going on so long it is now like background or "white" noise. It has been tuned out - as if it is not happening. They no longer "hear" it.

I usually call attention to the idea that they may not know what they are thinking because the thoughts are automatic, repetitive, and they are so used to the thoughts they don't know it when the self-talk starts up. I also suggest that I could be wrong, but encourage them to see if they can catch any of the thoughts the next time a particular situation occurs.

More often than not, a patient will tell me that they hadn't realized how much they were thinking. And, unfortunately, many of those patients also say something like "I had no idea how negative my thoughts are. I'm really hard on myself." We then discuss the nature of the negative thoughts. For example are the thoughts negative because they are intended to motivate? If so I ask if the patient feels motivated as a result of the thoughts. Usually the answer is "No." An alternative to negative thoughts intended to motivate are negative thoughts intended to berate and ridicule. This type is seriously damaging. I usually ask for specific examples of what they tell themselves to get a sense of just how nasty their thoughts are. Usually, they are pretty nasty.

At some point we discuss whether or not these are things they would EVER say to someone they care about. One hundred percent of the time the answer has been "No." When I broach the idea that they may not, then, care about themselves, a common response is a justification why the berating is necessary and that they shouldn't care about themselves as long as ______ (fill in the blank) is going on.

My next tact is to ask them to imagine themselves as the 5-year old version of themselves. Sometimes they close their eyes and picture themselves exactly as they were at 5-years old. Then I tell them to imagine saying to their 5-year old self exactly what they are saying to themselves now. This usually results in a welling of emotions. I then ask: "Does (s)he deserve that?" One hundred percent of the time the answer has been "No."

In my opinion, it is certainly okay to question our behaviors and even to wonder "What on earth was I thinking when I did/said that?" But I've yet to hear of a situation that requires being nasty and cruel to one's self when a mistake has been made. ~~If we make mistakes~~ When we make mistakes, it is useful to consider what we would have liked to have done differently. We can learn from that and work on finding ways to remember our new strategy the next time around.

We will keep making mistakes. Kinda the nature of being a human being. In my opinion it really isn't about the making of mistakes as it is whether or not you recognize them when they happen and fix them or repair the aftermath. As a parent I think the single most powerful thing I can do with my children is to acknowledge when I've made a mistake and to apologize to them for having done so. My apology does not negate their behavior. If they did something that requires a consequence then they still need to have a consequence. But if I doled a punishment in a way that was disrespectful or that was too punitive I admit my error and correct my mistake. And I apologize.

We can apologize to ourselves too. There are a fair number of memes going around social media that have to do with apologizing to ourselves for how we're treating ourselves. It is worth considering if you owe yourself an apology. If so, for what? Can you write the apology out in a letter to yourself? Can you look at yourself in the mirror (looking yourself in the eyes is expert level btw!) and tell yourself that you're sorry for the way you've treated yourself and the things you've said?

How liberated will you feel to say:

"I'm sorry I've been so mean to you. I'll do my best to be more encouraging and
supportive. You're pretty amazing - no matter what I've been telling you."

How Self Strong would this make you?

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Be Your Own Minister of Magic

2013-10-13T19:32:00.001-04:00

Someone recently contacted me to ask how I decided to settle on "Self Strong" as the tag line for my blog. There are a couple of reasons.

First of all, when I was thinking about this blog and on what I wanted to focus, I knew I wanted to talk about ideas related to the self and identity. It didn't take too long for me to get to the importance of being authentic. The problem with using "authentic" or "authenticity" as a part of my primary tag line is that use of those words is not always done in the context of who we are as individuals. I wanted to be certain that those who came across my blog knew that I was talking about identity and the self.

As I thought more about what comes to mind when I think of someone who is authentic I thought things like: "They really know who they are." "They aren't afraid to show who they are." "They're proud of who they are." "They will protect who they are." Etcetera. In other words their self is solid, strong.

The other thing that was going on as I was developing this blog is that I was re-watching some of the Harry Potter movies. I know a lot of people really don't care for the books and/or the movies; however, what I really like about the stories is the character development. The main characters are complex and evolve in really psychologically interesting ways throughout the stories.

In my conversations with my husband, who is also a psychologist, he said that he thought the entire story is a metaphor for the self and that Harry Potter (and all those on the "good" side) struggle against powerful forces that try to annihilate them. Of course in real life we don't deal with that kind of annihilation, but we do regularly deal with forces around us that seek to crush our sense of self. Advertisers do an excellent job reminding us that if we don't use their products we aren't good enough. Some of the people with whom we directly interact subtly and not so subtly let us know when we're okay and when we're not.

So whether you agree with that analysis of the Harry Potter stories or not, it was the opening scene of the Deathly Hallows, Part I that solidified for me the idea of strength of self and being Self Strong.

The scene itself, indeed the movie itself, begins with an extreme closeup of Rufus Scrimgeour, Minister of Magic, who is addressing the evil that is growing and how they will take care of it. Here's a link to that opening scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnwO9fZaNo0

Here is the transcript of that scene:

"These are dark times, there is no denying. Our world has, perhaps, faced no greater
threat than it does today. But I say this to our citizenry: we, ever your servants, will
continue to defend your liberty and repel the forces that seek to take it from you! Your
Ministry… remains… strong!"

When I listen to that scene now and with the idea of being Self Strong in mind, this is how I would translate that scene:

"These are dark times, there is no denying. Your Self has, perhaps, faced no greater
threat than it does today. But I say this to your True Self; I, ever your servant, will
continue to defend who you truly are and repel the forces that seek to take your True Self
from you. Your Self...remains...strong!"

(Spoiler Alert!) Yeah, I know this Minister of Magic gets killed. Perhaps it is a bit of a stretch to translate that scene into the language of being Self Strong; however, the conviction of that speech is what really fits. He is pledging to do whatever it takes to protect that which is good and to destroy evil. He, without equivocation, says that those who are in a position to do that kind of protecting are strong and will get the job done.

That is what it means to be Self Strong. You know what is good for you (people and situations that allow you to self-activate and are supportive of you when you do). You know what is bad or evil for you (people and situations that do not allow you to self-activate and that may try to destroy your self when you do). You will do whatever you need to in order to protect your self.

None of that is easy to figure out. None of that is necessarily easy to accomplish. But the fight is worth fighting. You are worth fighting for. You deserve to have the kind of forces within you that have courage of conviction and some measure of strength to defend who you truly are. You deserve to be Self Strong.

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Self-Awareness + Choice = Happiness

2013-10-12T23:19:00.002-04:00

One of the benefits of developing self-awareness is the availability of self-honoring choice. Self-awareness in and of itself does not guarantee happiness or contentment; however, implementing what you know about yourself just might. Self-awareness will allow you to choose or make decisions that accurately reflect you, who you are, what you value, what you want.

When we do not know who we are or what we want for ourselves we either avoid making choices altogether or decide what we'll do based on the expectations of others. Neither of these options typically leads to happiness or contentment. We end up acting in ways that are best for others - not ourselves.

Of course it is just as possible for us, despite our self-awareness, to make choices that do not reflect our true selves. We may deny ourselves and our desires for fear of the consequences we believe may be waiting for us: being ridiculed, ignored, shunned, even oppressed. If we've self-activated (i.e., make choices based on who we really are) and were ever ridiculed, ignored, shunned or oppressed as a result then the consequences we fear aren't simply imagined. They really happened. That can certainly make it more difficult for us to take a deep breath and forge ahead with expressing our authentic selves.

Part of the journey, then, is to learn when it is safe to self-activate. Literally, when. But also around whom - mostly that. Even if you pick an inopportune moment to self-activate if you do so around those who appreciate you they'll have your back - or at least won't throw you under the proverbial bus.

I'm fairly certain that the process I went through to reach my current version of being as authentic as I can, is similar to that which I recommend to those who are working with me in my role as a psychologist. When we find those whom we want to let into our lives, we should do so slowly and with small, less important, parts of who we are. That way if that part of us is rejected it won't be nearly as painful as if we had expressed larger parts of ourselves. Each of us alone can decide what are the "big" things and what are the "little" things. But often our preferences for things like music, food, movies, favorite colors, etc. may be a place to start. If we reveal our preferences in these areas and are ridiculed or rejected, we can be pretty sure that more important, sacred parts of ourselves may not be treated with respect either.

If, on the other hand, our preferences are accepted for what they are - our preferences - then we can share more important parts of ourselves with that person and see what kind of reception we get. Still accepted, or something else?

When we express our real selves and not the version of us we think others want to see, we can be more certain that those who accept us truly accept WHO WE ARE rather than some facade we've created. If on the other hand we've only shown them a gilded version of ourselves then what? It becomes even more scary to reveal our true selves. What if they don't like the REAL me?

We make choices nearly every moment of every day. How often are the choices you make a reflection of who you truly are? If you are not deciding/acting authentically, do you know why? Is it that you don't really know who you are? Or is it because you don't trust those around whom you spend most of your time.

There are only a select few people in my life who really know who I am. Others don't necessarily get a gilded version of me, but they don't get a truly authentic version of me either. Why? Because I know I can't trust them, I don't need them in my life, or I don't know them well enough yet to let them in.

Most of my decisions about what I do and how I act are on purpose. Not ALL of my decisions, but most! I'm a happier person because if it. Happy all the time? No. But what I do know is that I decide if I reveal who I really am. And I decide when not to reveal my true self because I'm protecting myself. Either way, I'm being true to myself.

Maybe I'm talking in circles at this point (it all makes sense in my head!) but I hope you get the gist of all this which is: develop your self-awareness so that you can consciously and authentically make decisions that are best for you. You'll be happier for it!

Be a Yellow Rubber Duck

2013-09-28T12:07:00.003-04:00

I would love to take credit for the idea of being a Yellow Rubber Duck because it is fantastic; however, this was a post that came through my personal facebook feed and was attributed to "Adidas (Auckland Marathon)."

It goes like this:

Runner, from now on you are a yellow rubber duck.

You cannot be crushed. You cannot be broken.
You bounce back.

You will always rise to the surface.

Repeat after me: 'I am a yellow rubber duck.'
When it hurts: 'I am a yellow rubber duck.'
At 17km: 'I am a yellow rubber duck.'
When your blisters burst: 'I am a yellow rubber duck.'
When you hit the wall: 'I am a yellow rubber duck.'
When you complete the marathon: 'I am a very happy yellow rubber duck.'

I imagine many of you may get where this is headed. You don't have to be a runner to be a Yellow Rubber Duck. Of course people do get crushed or at least smashed a bit. We may get broken or cracked. And we may not always be able to bounce back. Oftentimes these things happen because we have lost sight of who we are. The Yellow Rubber Duck? The Yellow Rubber Duck doesn't know any of that. It can be stepped on and it will return to its natural Yellow Rubber Duck state. It can be forced under water and it will simply explode back to the surface. Why? Because it is a Yellow Rubber Duck and it is made that way. It cannot be anything other than that. It is what it is. It will never be Gumby or GI Joe or Barbie for that matter. And...it doesn't have to be. Bath time wouldn't be the same without the Yellow Rubber Duck. We need it to be exactly what it is.

Same with you. You are who you are and the world needs you. You can try to be someone other than who you are, but that will weaken you and make it easier for you to be crushed or broken. When you are not who you authentically are, it is easier to get lost under water and you may not be able to find your way back to the surface. When you know who you are and you unapologetically express your authentic self - you will be as tough as the Yellow Rubber Duck. And you'll be content.

When it hurts, you will be able to determine the source of your pain and whether or not the pain is warranted (i.e., is someone else trying to make you feel badly for being you?). When you hit a wall you will be able to look inward and wonder any number of things: Who constructed this wall? Me? Someone else? Can I go around, under, over, through it? Can I simply push it over? You'll know what to do based on who you truly are and what you are truly capable of.

You will be strong, content, and certain. Getting there, however, requires that you know who you truly are. It is not easy to figure that out sometimes, and you certainly don't have to figure it all out now. One of the best things about pursuing authenticity is that if you are open to the process you will continuously learn new things about yourself. Some of those things may not be so great, but they will be worth knowing because then you can decide what to do about those not so great things: accept them, change them, figure out how they make you even more uniquely you...the list is endless. And, when you learn things about yourself that you think are kinda great you can nurture and protect those parts of you. And you can look for people who like those things about you too.

Next time you hesitate when expressing an opinion, thought, idea that is authentically you, picture yourself as a Yellow Rubber Duck. Some of those who are listening to you may step on you. But, you can bounce back if your allow yourself to. And you may find that someone else speaks up either in your defense or sometime later tells you that they agree with you - they will help you bounce back if you let them.

So be you. Be a Yellow Rubber Duck. Bounce back and rise to the surface. The world is not the same without the authentic version of you. Just like bath time is not the same without an authentic Yellow Rubber Duck.

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What Kind of Body Do You Have?

2013-09-22T21:57:00.000-04:00

Various forms of this particular meme have made the rounds on social media. I think it is fantastic. With so many companies/people trying to tell us what we need to do in order to GET a bikini body (or just a plain swimsuit body) this is a breath of fresh air!

Another post that came across my feed referred to not having a runner's body, but having the right mindset/heart for being a runner and that this was good enough. Well...how about this: If you have a body and you run then you have a runner's body? What's wrong with that? Why do we think we have to apologize for not looking the "right" way in order to be allowed to do certain things or wear certain clothes, or think certain thoughts? Why can't we just say "I'm a runner." "I'm going to wear a bikini.""I AM WHATEVER I DO, NO MATTER WHAT MY BODY LOOKS LIKE!" Yes I was yelling on purpose.

One of my areas of professional focus is on eating disorders and body image concerns. The straight jacket in which many of us (men and women) live is seriously tight. We are bombarded by a slew of messages reminding us that unless we look the exact right way, then we should not do certain things or wear certain clothes. Or what? The fashion police will issue a citation? Make an arrest? Well, a lot of people have deputized themselves as officers of fashion and/or of behavioral law and order. They go out of their way to point out what we're doing wrong despite the fact that what we're doing has NOTHING to do with them whatsoever. They don't like it so you shouldn't like it. And if you do, you should feel like crap about it.

What is wrong with people?!

Why on earth can't we leave each other alone unless we are offering care and support? Of course some deputies believe that is exactly what they're doing. "I'm saving them a lot of embarrassment. So...what I'm doing is a good thing." Bullshit! Butt out and mind your own business! My apologies for the rant, but this is one of the things that really gets my blood boiling.

What we can do to combat this is to not let others dictate what we do and how we feel. We get to decide. I'm suggesting that it is necessarily easy to brush off the comments of others. It can be really difficult, especially if those comments come from those who are important to us. But we still get to decide whether or not such comments stop us from doing what we had intended on doing all along.

I would like to challenge you all to do what my students (I'm also a college professor) have been recently challenged to do. As part of my course on eating disorders, they have been challenged to think of things they do not do because of how they perceive their bodies - and then do it anyway!! This is not easy especially with all of the self appointment pseudo law enforcement officials out there. I haven't met with them again to know how it went, but I challenge you to do the same. Consider what you have not done or are not doing because according to others you don't look exactly right. Is this something you WANT to do? Then, in my opinion, I think this is precisely what you ought to do. You're allowed to wear a bathing suit, or to wear fitted/tight clothing if you what to even if your body is shaped in a way that makes you or others say "You know. You really shouldn't wear that." Again...BS!

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We're all allowed to pursue this. Feel free to look away if you don't like the look of my post child bearing 42-year-old bathing suit clad body. I'm going swimming!!

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Playing Hide and Seek With Your Inner Child

2013-09-20T12:00:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I know. The term "inner child" is really overused and so overplayed. However, I guess what I'm really talking about is being childlike which is not to be confused with being childish. The biggest difference between the two is is that being childlike invokes the more positive qualities that children have: innocence, playfulness, joy, unconcerned with the opinions of others. Being childish on the other hand usually refers to the not so great qualities that kids have: tantrums, disagreeableness, overall lack of maturity. What tends to happen to us as we get socialized and "grow up" is that we not only become more mature

and (hopefully) don't have tantrums anymore but we also leave behind what is so great about being a child. We leave these things behind as if being an adult and being playful are mutually exclusive. Where's the fun in that?!

There's a really great commercial out right now for a well-known bottled water company that shows adults looking at their reflection on a store window - their reflections, however, are of themselves as babies. So the adults start dancing or moving around in silly ways. The baby reflections move in kind. What is also shown is how much fun the adults seem to be having.

Where is your inner child - the childlike quality in you? Can you find her? If you can't and you want to...just yell "Ready or not, here I come!" and starting running after her.

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"Be Yourself; Everyone Else is Already Taken"

2013-09-19T21:44:00.002-04:00

Oscar Wilde has some pretty awesome quotes attributed to him. My absolute favorite is the title of this blog. The quote to the left I think reflects the spirit of being yourself as well. When we really love someone, we get to know who they really are in a way that no one else will likely ever know. We see and experience their uniqueness - the fact that they are who they are - unlike any other. There is no one like you - there never will be again. That's a pretty cool thing.

It seems to me, however, that a lot of people work really hard to be like someone else. We try to look like them, act like them, think like them, etc. Part of that desire certainly comes from the pressures around us - most commercials are well crafted to remind us that we are not good enough but that they can sell us the thing that will get us there. Yeah right. Sometimes we hear from family and friends that we need to change. That sucks too. Sometimes those we are aspiring to be like are really good people about whom others might even say "Who wouldn't want to be like him/her?" The problem is that it is not possible. So we are automatically setting ourselves up to fail. Not good. We can certainly aspire to be kind, caring, funny, audacious, irreverent, shocking, whatever - like someone else. But each of us will have our own unique flavors of those things. We will do these things like no one has ever done before, or will ever do again.

When you have a moment, if you so choose, contemplate in what ways you are trying to be like someone else and think about whether you're asking something of yourself that is impossible (I was a teenager in the "I wanna be like Mike" era...not gonna happen). Or when you end up slightly or a lot different than expected perhaps you are just that blade of grass that isn't bending in the same direction as all the others and you are bending exactly as you are supposed to. You are being exactly who you are supposed to be.

So, sing your song, dance your dance. Be you!!

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No More Guilty Pleasures

2013-09-14T22:16:00.001-04:00

Do you have any guilty pleasures? You probably do. Most people probably do. Favorite shows you like to watch that you watch alone because you don't want anyone else to know? Music on you mp3 player that you have stored on a secret play list? Love to read a particular book genre that you aren't supposed to like because you're a man, a woman, or the wrong age?

So why do we feel guilty about these particular pleasures? Why should we hide the things that we like? If they provide us with a source of entertainment, or pleasure why on earth do we feel like we cannot possible let anyone else know that we like these things? Well, because other people have a way of tormenting or ridiculing us for things they think aren't quite "right." They may do so in a "joking" way - meaning that they hurl an insult at you while laughing or follow it up with "just kidding!" But does any of that really negate the original comment? Do we feel any less picked on? No. Not really.

What if there were no more guilty pleasures? What do you think would happen if you unapologetically declared what you like - without shame or guilt? You don't have to go out of your way to make an announcement about your hidden pleasures; but, what if the next time someone says "I can't believe anyone would actually listen to/watch/read/spend money on/etc. that!" you responded with "Well I do." Imagine the worst case scenario. Would that person laugh at you, ridicule you, bring more people into the conversation for the purpose of humiliating you even more? Any of that would be pretty awful without a doubt. But ask yourself: Is this person someone who really cares about me? Are they a friend? Family member? Someone else who says they care about you? If so and they respond to you like that are they worth your time? I'm not suggesting you cut them out of your life completely but perhaps intentionally limit the amount of time you spend with them - and put them on the "I can't really trust them with who I am list."

There are others out there (hopefully they are in your life now) who might respond to your self declaration with "No. Really?" Then realize that you're serious and say something like "Oh. That's cool," or respond with their own guilty pleasure confession. In other words, these are the people who respect you for who you are - non-mainstream preferences and all. These are the people who are solid enough with themselves that they can accept you for exactly who you are without feeling threatened in any way.

So the next time you think of something you like as being a guilty pleasure I challenge you to think of it as simply a pleasure. Period. Nothing more. Nothing less.

BTW - I love the Harry Potter movies. I have ABBA on my playlist. And my idea of a vacation is a hotel with room service and really good cable tv. Oh. And if I can buy something in pink...that's what I'm buying.

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Play YOUR Game

2013-09-12T22:09:00.000-04:00

I'm also a sport psychologist and one of the things I see sometimes in my work are athletes who are not playing their game. They're playing someone else's game. Playing at someone else's pace, on the defensive when they're better at being offensive, etc. Whether they are trying to play like someone else or they are pushed outside of their game in the course of a competition they are not playing their game. The game of life is no different.

On a daily basis we are bombarded by commercials, images, and indeed messages from friends and family telling us how we should be and what we ought to be doing. Some messages are intended to get you to spend money other messages are intended to keep the sender of the message comfortable. A not quite so serious, but humorous example of this is some version of - parent to child - "Put on your jacket - I'm cold!" The idea of course is that the parent's experience trumps the child's (And no. I'm not talking about a child going out in freezing temperatures without a jacket). Regardless of the intent, these messages ignore one of, if not the most important elements: YOU!

If I tell you that you need my product in order to improve your looks, your intellect, your ability to get a date I have to rely on my ability to get you to believe that you are lacking in those areas and offer you a solution to your problem. I have no idea who you are or if you even need what I have to sell, but I'm bound and determined to capitalize on your insecurities so you buy my message and eventually my product (there's a reason the diet/beauty industry is a $60 BILLION a year industry). Likewise, the people in our lives do the same thing. They're not usually trying to get our money, but they are trying to get you to believe that you must look, act, think, and feel certain ways or you are not acceptable. They will "help" you fit in/belong. If you don't follow through, you won't be allowed into the "club." You won't be loved. You will be rejected.

Some of us may be able to more easily see through marketers and laugh at their transparent attempts to get us to spend money on useless products - or products whose less expensive counterparts are just as good. We tend to be less adept, however, at ignoring friends and family when they give us messages that we are doing something wrong. "You're not supposed to believe that." "Our family doesn't act that way." "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." "Don't eat that. You don't want to get fat do you?" "What's wrong with you?" And on, and on. Most of the people in our lives don't realize the impact that their messages have. Some communicate directly, others with body language or other non-verbals (including the "silent treatment"). Regardless of the manner in which these things are communicated, we get very good and figuring out what they want and how we're supposed to act. Because we also realize very quickly we may lose the relationship if we don't conform. If we don't play their game.

Play your game. Do so with respect for those around you; but, whenever possible try to resist the messages that you're not okay just as you are. If you think or do or feel something that ultimately is not true to who you are, you'll figure that out because it won't feel right but not because someone else told you so.

Playing your game is liberating. It allows you to feel a type of confidence that you cannot otherwise feel when you're pretending to be someone you are not.

Play your game. Your game rocks!

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How Much of You is Really On Social Media?

2013-09-09T19:40:00.000-04:00

This post isn't about misleading comments or images designed to make yourself look "better" than you are (Better is in quotes because there is no need! You're just fine as you are!). This post is about what you don't say for fear of backlash - either on-line or in real life.

I hesitated before I hit "post" on a facebook post today. Why? Why on earth can't I simply, easily post what matters to me? Well, because I knew it might "offend" some of my extended family members. The post itself did not include profanity or in any way denigrate any person or group. I just knew that I was taking a clear stand on something that was in opposition to that which many of my family members believe.

My stand was not "in your face" - unless of course you think that posting an opinion is "in your face." I thought about referencing "family members" in general in my post but thought better of it. There was no need. This was not about them. This was about me, my beliefs and how they fit into my life and that of my immediate family members (husband and children). None-the-less I hesitated.

I'm glad I hit post. I'm glad I posted what I wanted to despite whatever reactions I may get (including being blocked or hidden). I believe in what I posted. The content reflect that which is important to me. It reflected me. And I'm glad.

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Why me? Why this blog?

2013-09-01T13:01:00.000-04:00

The idea of "identity" is something that has intrigued me for as far back as I can remember. Of course I didn't know "identity" is what I was thinking about when I was a child. As I got older, learned more in school, about the world around me, about myself I immersed myself into the idea that who I am matters. And more importantly, who I wanted to be, whatever that happened to be, really mattered.

I was fortunate to have a mentor during my undergraduate years who taught me by example and through complete acceptance, that I could be whoever I wanted to be and would not be rejected or judged (more on that another time...I fully tested this!). He was an existentialist fully aware of what it means to be a human being. I always had the sense that he wasn't pretending or looking for a reaction from others when he'd say something shocking. He was just being Larry. This was poignantly confirmed when he was dying from cancer. His wife told me that even when he was in a great deal of pain and knew that the end of his life was near he reached out to her with words of comfort: "It's okay. This is all part of the human condition."

I was pushed and pulled in all sorts of directions growing up. By friends, peers who weren't friends, family, co-workers, employers. You name it. We all experience this. I figured out quickly what others expected of me and goose-stepped my way in line. Figuring out when others changed direction so I wouldn't be out of step. That worked for awhile I suppose but guess what? I wasn't very happy.

Somewhere along the way I desired happiness. Somewhere along the way I realized one of the most important things I could do for myself was to be me. Period. Happiness followed.

Am I happy all the time? Of course not. Life has a way of reminding us that we don't always get a say in things. However, I get to decide how I'm going to deal with what life hurls at me. I get to decided. Period.

So, there's more to my journey. More to my quest for authenticity and being Self Strong and that's what this blog is about. My journey and the journey of those who intersect with my life.

Here's to you and being Self Strong!

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