My Journey

Through the fire

2011-03-02T10:41:00.000-08:00

We try to tell ourselves that losing weight is only about the lifestyle change of dieting or changing one's diet and through exercise or getting active. But there is so much more. I have done this for over a year now. Obviously, I have gone through tribulations in the last year. I have been homeless and had other normal ups and downs of life during that time. So, I have proven to myself I have the drive and the motivation. But I have fallen back into old habits starting at Christmas with the emotional turmoil that I talked about in earlier blog posts. I have tried through starting a new program and Pokes for Fitness to overcome this but to no avail. I go back and forth a good day, a bad day, a good week, and a bad few days. What was different? I was liking myself last year. My weight loss and the people I met talking to me inspired me to keep going. But when you have this much to lose, other things, deeper things will come up I guess.

This has to be a total life overhaul not just about my food intake or my workout. Do I love myself? Yes. I did learn to do that last year. But do I really like myself? Not all the time. Like everyone else in your life. You don't always like yourself. And my definition of love is that love is a choice to do the very best for that person no matter the cost to you. I am not good at always making the right choices. How is it that you can love your husband, your kids, your best friends and even total strangers sometimes with so much unconditional love and then not show that to yourself? It's odd how I know that I am not the only one to do this.

I know this takes skills that somehow I never had or have lost along the way. I was raised by one good mother; she wasn't perfect. No one is. She did the best she could with what she had. I held her up like she was the world to me. She was and is my standard for being a good mom and person. I know I will probably never live up to this. At 36, I think I have finally come to terms with this. She had two good parents raise her. I know they weren't perfect either. She has had her own stuff to go through with her parentage. Sure I had a crap childhood until I was 12. I hated myself because of everything. I was to fat. My father had told me this. And I believed him. Still to this day I feel like I will never be normal. It's not the weight. I know after last year I could go and lose the weight. I also know due to the last two months, I could easily gain it right back. It scares me. I feel after a year I should be in better condition. I thought I should be able to do the 3 mile walk and the hour aerobics session that I did last week. But as the doctor pointed it, I am not normal. I am still almost 300lbs.

So, I made it to being a survivor from being a victim. I feel that in my heart. I am a survivor. I know that to the depths of my soul and back. But the question remains: how do you get from being a survivor to living life again? I know that living life includes things like taking care of yourself and making plans for the future and being adventurous and not hiding in the food or video games or relieving stress through an addiction. But how do you get there? I personally don't know the exact answer to that now but just living day to day isn't the answer. So, I woke up this morning with this song in my head: It has not left yet. It is like my soul is crying out to finish this journey. Saying to my heart I love you even if we have to go through the fire and get this all out and start over. Even if I have to start training myself to do simple tasks again. That we all learn as a child but somehow I have stopped doing thinking why bother if no one cares. I shouldn't base my happiness on the scale or if my husband notices my hairstyle or if I smell nice or if someone notices my weight loss. I need to do everything I do because I want to, because I care about myself enough to get enough sleep to properly care for myself or brush my teeth everyday or shower. Yeah I said it. Somethings have fallen by the wayside. I am being totally honest here. How many people let themselves slide if they have no place to go everyday? I know I am not the only one. So, don't say I am. But my point is I still have hope that I will not only lose the weight but start caring again. So, today I started reading a book about solving this. I have read it before or at least parts of it. It's called The Solution by Laurel Mellin, MA, RD. I have gone through two programs that dealt with these issues of the heart and weight loss before but I don't think these things always stuck because I wasn't in the best place to really finish this journey. I'll tell you more about this book later. My post seems to be getting rather long. But for now it's time to start delving into that fire and getting back to learning how to live again not just surviving.

No Matter What

2011-02-26T00:01:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't posted in awhile I keep meaning to come back here and tell you what is going on but things keep getting in the way. I want to start posting more. I have started a new workout program since my weight loss had taken a turn for the worst since Christmas I had to get back on track. So I started Chalene Extreme from the same lady who did Turbo Jam, Chalene Johnson. I just love her. This program is a three month program. I started it 17 days ago. But I have been sick a few days and so has the rest of the family. Then I get back on track and I challenge myself to walk as far as I can on the day I have my hardest workout in this new program. Big, big mistake. I walked 3.1 miles and am so proud of myself and came home to do my regular program. I was scheduled to do a DVD named Burn Intervals and Ab Burner. But I have also been doing Pokes for Fitness on Facebook; which is great. The premise is you do usually 5 of whatever exercise you choose per poke. This was great to get me back on track and it challenges me so much. But I see all these people in the group doing hundreds and hundreds of situps or pushups and I think I should be able to push myself hard. It's like I forget I am still almost 300lbs; which apparently means I am going to sweat more than normal people and end up dehydrated. So I ended up in the emergency room the other day. Doctor says the dehydration led to my gallbladder spasming. I also have two gallstones and a kidney stone. Fun. lol so I have to go talk to a surgeon about having my gall bladder being removed. Figures after I fix my eating habits is when I have problems. Anyway, I will lose this weight, NO MATTER WHAT! I will not be taken out by a few sicknesses and some emotional crap. I am still in this fight to get my weight off.

My husband sent me this pic when we were dating. He lived in England and I was here in the states; 7-8,000 miles away. We had been talking for over 6 months and had decided we wanted to meet in person and found out how expensive it was. We decided that no matter what we would find a way to be together. It did finally happen. He did finally get here and we finally decided to get married. Those words NO MATTER WHAT mean a lot to me. I know if he loves me that much I should and will love myself that much today. I need to lose this weight for me because I love myself enough to live for me, for my family, for him and for my kids. I want to do crazy things like skate again. I don't mean this inline skating stuff the kids do today. I mean real skating...roller derby. My daughter thinks I am insane but I would love to do roller derby and run 5ks or walk a marathon again. I hate that it has to be someday. But at the moment it can't be tomorrow. But no matter what I will get there again.

Vulnerability and Making Connections

2011-01-24T12:40:00.000-08:00

On my quest to loose weight, I have realized that the most important part is to take people along with you or at least join people along the way. People who are positive and know that this monumental task for me is doable and worth the hard work. But why is that hard work? To skinnier people or people who have never struggled with weight, they might think that this isn't that difficult. You just go workout and not eat that much. But if you never find out why you got to this point and sort it out, I know through experience you might lose the weight or a portion of it but eventually you have to be normal and not on a diet or you'll get bored or just let everything in life get you down. And I have a lot in life to get me down. From my past, my childhood and my first marriage, to all those little gripes that everyone has: 1) my kids annoy me by a)not listening to me, b)not doing their chores/homework at all or not well enough; 2) my spouse/SO doesn't pay enough attention to me (i.e. always gaming, not cuddling/having sex enough); and 3) I have worked so hard and yet it isn't enough.

But when we focus on that, we tend to stop doing the work. So today I watched this video on Hope.4.The.Journey

I don't know what someone else will get out of it. It is probably different for everybody; but I truly understand that we can be very vulnerable and not make those connections because we weren't vulnerable enough to talk to people. I can write this blog all day long and post on twitter and Facebook but if I don't say hi because I am too fearful to do it; then I haven't become vulnerable to that. I put my heart out there all the time in this blog and Facebook and occasionally on Twitter. But like I am sure a lot of people we don't bring up everything to our spouses about how we wish it would be because we know what will happen. And we don't say hi in an inbox to a total stranger even after reading their freakinly awesome blog or post because why we might not be answered or they might ask why did you inbox or friend request me. So what?

I think today I realized I won't realize my potential unless I have those conversations. I won't lose anything by most of them. Ok I might make my husband mad and he might stonewall me more. lol I am open to suggestions. Losing the next 100lbs will take awhile so I would like something now that I can use today. But as for talking to you guys, I think it is time to not just talk to you or those other people on twitter and Facebook every once in a blue moon but start doing it daily so it isn't so scary. If that makes me have connections or friends that would be great.

We all need to make connections whether it is for business or just to have a good laugh every once in awhile.It can make our lives richer, fuller and sometimes just down right better. So feel free to comment and let me know how to contact you so we can connect.

Discipline and a Little Teamwork

2011-01-21T13:03:00.000-08:00

This is what it takes to stay motivated. Sometimes it isn't always there and we have to push and try to get ourselves off the floor to do what we need for the day to continue on our journey to heal and be fit. We need to know our why and keep it in mind. I don't want to get stuck and die because I couldn't get through my emotions. I know one way to keep it going long term is to get other people involved in reaching your goals.

How bout you? What motivates you? From this Friday on I want to start something to get to know my readers better. Please post a video that inspires you and put the link in my comments. Let me know if I can post the link and on Sunday or Monday I will post your links. Let's keep motivating each other.

Bleeding Love

2011-01-17T12:16:00.000-08:00

I love this song but it really has spoken to me on a different level this weekend. If you have been following my journey,you know I have been struggling a bit with my feelings with my father. It hit me after a few talks with people and a lot of thinking. Love is like a drug, whether it is love like you love a lover or a parent or a friend and if that love isn't healthy it doesn't mean it isn't real but that you may need to cut that person out of your life not because you don't love them but because it can freeze you emotionally. When people stop drinking or doing drugs, it requires a lifestyle change and cutting out friends that may have them going back to their old life. I had done that with my father. As mean and horrible as it may sound to some, it was the best thing I did for myself. But when my brother contacted me and wanted me to get in contact with my father again, it made me "bleed" love. I do love him and yes he will always be part of my life because he is my father. But if you are bleeding love eventually you freeze and die emotionally. For me that means, I would eat myself into the grave and literally die eventually. This isn't good for me or my kids or my husband.

I am sure not everyone will understand this but that's ok. This is my song that I am dedicating to my father. Doug please listen.. I do love you and I always will. I know you think that I was brainwashed by Mom but I have my own mind always have. And this is still MY decision.

The Script - For The First Time (HD Version)

2011-01-14T07:33:00.000-08:00

I was looking for another video to share with you this morning and I must have clicked the wrong link. This is from a band I have never heard of but I think it is still relevant. I might be weird but I think God talks to me through not only reading the Bible and prayer but through music. My schedule has to change so I can get up earlier. This is good even though I am so not a morning person. But when I get up earlier I can focus on me and have more to give my kids and husband. With this time, I can read my Bible and get back to being a better Christian and make sure my workout gets done.

It's about spending that time with myself and God just like this song talks about. Times might be tough but if we spend the time to get to know each other again it will bring back the feelings of falling in love for the first time. Only through having a better relationship with God and knowing myself better will I be able to get better and focus on healing.

Toto -Hold the Line

2011-01-12T11:09:00.000-08:00

I know what you are thinking. This song isn't about weightloss or healing. But wait let me explain.

The work has gotten harder. I was on such an emotional high going into the holidays and even through Thanksgiving. It was but one day. I was thinking Christmas and New Year's would be the same. But it wasn't. There is all the baggage from years past. I keep telling myself it is over. My mom got smart went on and got remarried. I, as you know, left my ex and now have a good marriage and another child in addition to my beautiful teenage daughter. Life is going good right? Well, don't you know just when life is going good your self-doubts start to kick in. I only lost 53lbs. The guy on the Biggest Loser lost that much in his first two weeks! It took me a year. I started my own home business. Seems like it is going great. I got like 700 followers on twitter, almost 100 likers on Facebook, and a few here on blogger. I have two other coaches that I have personally sponsored and like 7 others that people above me have put under me. But I have only done this like 2 months. Am I seeing the income I want? No, because it isn't a job it's a business. I don't have the finances that some have to start with. So, my husband thinks I am only "playing on the computer" all day as I help others get started on their journey and help keep them motivated. Will it happen? Yes. I can see that all my hard work will eventually pay off for me and my family. So many business do fail in the first year I know but I also see the potential in this business to make me money.

I can't let my self doubt and the nay sayers get me down. I can see things changing in my life. I have accomplished so much. So what if it takes me longer to get to the finish line. Fact is IF I hold the line, keep doing what I am doing, keep pushing play everyday and working my game plan, things will work out. This is life. But I think all to often, we as humans tend to let past failures cloud our thinking even when we have a good thing going. It isn't in the way that you get there, it isn't in the words that people say to you, it isn't in the way you look now. Loving yourself isn't always on time. My accomplishments to date speak for themselves and if I want the outcome, I just have to keep doing what I am doing and not drop the ball. So what if you lose your way for a day or two or a week, the fact is get back on track and hold the line things will happen. It is so hard to see that in a long journey like this.

Things happen. You get sick or don't feel good for a few days. You can't workout for a few days. People think your crazy sometimes and don't think things are going fast enough and that it will never work. The best things in life are worth waiting for.We just have to put in the work. It took me years to get this way; it may take me more than a year to get my body back on track. If you're moving forward that is an accomplishment, whether anyone else sees it or not. to just make sure I continue to invest in myself. It is far to easy to quit when the going gets tough. lol I just thought about how many people do this with their marriages. It's too hard. I can't take it anymore. He isn't who I married. We all change, nobody is who they were when they got married. I know I changed the moment I said "I do" the first time. Man, thank God we can't divorce ourselves. Can you imagine the chaos?

Well, I guess that is my comic relief for the day. Sorry, if I offended anyone with my take on marriage and divorce there. Have a good day and stop by my Facebook page, like me, and leave a comment. I would love to hear from you.

New Year's and Holiday Struggles

2011-01-04T03:39:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! The Christmas and New Year's Eve was tough on my workout schedule with my daughter and my husband home more and getting the house ready. Not to mention the food and the alcohol. Through it all I didn't miss more than a day or two at a time but still that wasn't my plan. I just didn't stay very motivated. I didn't stay contented with my coach or my coach network as much as I should have. But it is a new year, time to reevaluate and get back on track. No worries; took my measurements on Jan 1 and not doing to badly just not as good as I would have liked.

Chest 41.5 in R arm 13.5 in R leg 22.75

Waist 49 in L arm 12.5 L leg 22.5
hips 53.5 in

These are my old measurements:

Chest   41.5"               R. Arm 13"         R. Leg   22"
Waist    49"            L. Arm   13.5"      L Leg   23"
Hips   54.5"              weight 284

So, my measurements weren't great but it wasn't horrible, but that is where I am. I have loved Turbo Jam. I have done it almost 2 months with being sick and the holidays. I am so glad I bough it. I stuck with it longer than any program I have ever bought. But I know after the holidays, I have a lot more work to do on my body (I want to lose over 100lbs this year) and I have more mental work to do to heal. I am so glad I am married to a loving man these days but I would really like to get to that place where holidays don't remind me of horrible memories. I know they are only memories but it has been my life.

I am only 36 but still feel like I have had 3 lifetimes maybe more. One with my dad,mom, and brother before I was 12, one with my mom as a single mom and my brother for part of it, and one with my ex husband which led to running away with my daughter and changing my name and social. How do you integrate these? They seem like such different experiences. Nothing was gradual. Everything seem to end so abruptly, except for the time with my mom. We had some of the funnest times and I did the natural progression and went to college, came home and ventured out on my own. But then I was married so quick. There was so much trauma with my dad and my ex husband and running away from him had such an impact on me. Being that scared for so long is never good on anyone. I have very few good memories with my father or my ex husband. I know there must have been more. The best memories of my father are when I was younger he made vanilla cokes for me and my brother one Saturday that my mom worked. The other good memories I have of him are of him playing guitar and singing. First lullabies and then songs he had written. He is an awesome musician and songwriter. Even had a few songs recorded but like some great musicians he was bipolar and he treated it with alcohol, which didn't make him a nice man.The older I got the worse it seemed to be the longer he was depressed. This takes a toll on a marriage and relationships with children. It seemed the more depressed he became the more he drank and the less we could please him. My preteen years were filled with trying to make him happy and him thinking I was lying or waking me up to practice piano or wash ALL the dishes because one dish wasn't cleaned properly. He lashed out a lot; he spent a lot of time hiding in the bathroom or staying up late to watch adult movies when we finally got cable. Yes, he was abusive. I never wanted my kids to deal with this. I spent my teen years trying to pretend I didn't have a father. I had great Christian men who were like adopted dads to me at church. Thank God for them showing me that men could be loving and not be mean and cruel. My father eventually hit rock bottom after losing me and my mother; he kept a relationship with my brother. So, I tried to have a relationship with him thinking he was fixed. After all he was sober and had become a drug and alcohol counselor. But things never felt right, I always felt like he was lecturing me to not take any medicine even when I knew I needed it or when my daughter needed it. Things really hit an impasse when I wouldn't let my daughter go see him without me. But my job after I left my ex was to keep her safe. I agreed to give him my address so he could send school supplies. Next thing I knew my ex showed up in the town I had escaped to, 3000 miles away. I know in my heart my father gave him my address. This is just such a hard thing. It took me years to deal with the abuse and get over it. I have cut my father out of my life and have gotten together with my new husband since and am happy with my life. But now my brother wants me to talk to him again. I was doing great until my brother told me he listens to my dad cry about his non-relationship with me. I hate hurting people but my life was better until my brother got upset about this. I had moved on. I just don't know how to have a relationship with my brother with all of this. This is why holidays are hard. Families make you feel guilty or create drama. Memories get stirred up that were better left alone. I don't know the solution. I am just writing at this point and hoping I can work this out in my mind so I can get my focus back some. If anyone has any suggestions I am open. I just know I don't really want my father in my life.

To My Sisters Still Living in Domestic Violence

2010-12-24T09:46:00.000-08:00

Today is Christmas Eve, it should be a happy time and for me today with my kids and husband it is. But for me it is bitter sweet. I remember so many holiday seasons living in fear, living on egg shells, just waiting for the last shoe to drop, just trying to keep the peace. I have so many memories of Christmas' past where my family just barely kept it together only to come to a head in January. The worst of which being the year my parents marriage finally dissolved. How I had wished my mother had left my father sooner. How I had wished my father never drank. How I wished my father loved us enough to get sober. But we can't change the past. We can however change our present situation and our future. I understand today why my mother didn't leave sooner. I had to study domestic violence and go through it myself to get it. I still don't understand my father. I suspect I never will. I love my kids enough to live. I love my kids so much that I want to not be addicted to alcohol or drugs or my food. And I love my food. I know it is my addiction. But I am fighting it everyday, not just for myself but for them. They deserve to have a great childhood with a mom that can keep up with them and who is happy. They deserve so much more than my father could give me. My mother gave me wonderful times in between the craziness of my father. I thank God that I had her.

I know now some of the many reasons she didn't leave my father. The biggest of which was probably our religion. I am a Christian. For those of us who are Christians, yes God hates divorce. He hates it because there is sin. With all divorce there is sin, it maybe yours; it may be his,but there is sin. Yes sin separates us from God but through repentance we can be saved and forgiven. There is no sin greater than the next in God's eyes. Divorce isn't worse than that lie you told. We as humans tend to have this hierarchy of sin. Sin is sin. We need to ask forgiveness and move on. God forgives and forgets. We as humans can learn to forgive but forgetting is harder. I always say I can forgive but remembering keeps me safe at least in the case of my ex husband. God doesn't want us to be abused. He created us for so much more. He wants you to live. He wants your kids to live. Don't be a martyr just not to sin.

One of the other reasons women stay ,and this may have been a factor with my mom, is the finances. I personally know that it can be very hard to make ends meet with kids and no husband. But it is far better to struggle than to put your life and the life of your kids at risk. Even if he never has crossed the line and made you afraid for your life, do you want your kids to think this is the way men are? There are great men out there. Men who won't abuse you or your kids. I can hear what some of you are saying "But he is a good father and doesn't abuse my kids." That won't last forever. And even if he never touched your kids, do you think it is ok for your kids to hear you fight. You might think it happens mostly when they are asleep, but I remember waking up countless nights to my parents fighting. Kids hear. They may not show it but it effects them.

Here's another excuse I have heard, but he doesn't abuse us because he has never hit us. If the man says horribly mean things all the time, it is still abuse; verbal abuse. The tapes that have played in my head day in and day out for years wasn't the beatings (although they come up sometimes) but the words that were spoken to me. I have had said to me "you'll never keep a man with those thighs". I have been called "Cow" and been told I would be pretty only if I lost the weight. These things stick with you for an awefully long time. One of the worst things ever said was "I wish you didn't bear my name" and "I wish I had never married you". Now I have forgiven these people for saying this. They may not even remember saying them; but I remember them. I have never forgotten (probably never will). I have learned it is much better for my sanity to forgive them. I would be a bitter old hag had I not. I don't want to be bitter. I want to be happy. So, I live my life away from people like that.

Has that meant being lonely at times? Yes. But I am far happier praying and loving some people from afar than being abused daily. If you are reading this and I have hit a nerve, remember there is life after abuse. You have to choose to live it. You have to decide when enough is enough. Do you love your kids enough? Do you love yourself? Do you love life enough? My chose was life and I choose it everyday with my choses. I am so glad I did . I left my ex with one kid and now have an awesome husband who takes care of me (don't get me wrong money is still very tight), and two beautiful kids. I wouldn't have changed one thing about my life. I am so glad I lived through what I did; for without it I wouldn't have had my kids or met my husband. I hope that every woman can get to where I am. What I don't wish is that everyone go through what I did. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Be blessed take charge of your life. Choose life. It takes awhile for it to work out, but man is it worth it!

Day 34- Year End pictures and What I Have Gained

2010-12-23T01:55:00.000-08:00


5/30/2010 before

5/30/2010 before

12/21/2010 53 lbs down

12/21/2010 53lbs down

Starting out was hard.

Staying motivated was probably the hardest thing.

It is now getting easier. I am happy and have more energy.

I still have a lot to lose and yes that is lose skin on my arms. When you have this much fat lost, you may get lose skin like this. It's ok at least I am healthier. And I am learning to be good to myself. I am not perfect; never will be. I learn things everyday (like how to post these pics). Most of all I am learning to love me. Yes I could have lost more this year. I didn't do my best but I did it. Next year I will do better. But I have gained so much more than just a healthier body. I am gaining mental health. I know now that I am in control of me. My tapes that used to play in my head, I don't hear that much anymore. I am a good person. I know that I can and will lose this weight. I know now that I can get a man to love me for me, not my potential. Being married past the time I was with my first husband, has showed me not all men are like my ex. I am stronger both physically and emotionally. I can't put a price tag on that.

Day 32- Month and year results

2010-12-19T04:03:00.000-08:00

These were my original measurements on Day 3:
Chest   44"                R. Arm 16.75"       R. Leg 27.75"
Waist 53.5"              L. Arm   16"           L Leg 28"
Hips 56.5"               weight 301 lbs

These are my new measurements:
Chest   41.5"               R. Arm 13"         R. Leg   22"
Waist    49"            L. Arm   13.5"      L Leg   23"
Hips   54.5"              weight 284

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile I have been really sick. In fact, at the moment I have a sinus infection. But when I went to the doctor today I made them weigh me. Woohoo! I broke the 300 mark and crushed it. I am now 284. I can't believe it. I haven't got to workout very much in the last two weeks but I have eaten really small amounts because I wasn't really hungry. There were even times I made myself eat because I hadn't eaten or plain wasn't hungry all day. Sickness can do that to you. Funny it never did that before but this is a new chapter in my life. I have officially lost 53 lbs now. So in the last month I have lost 17 lbs and 25 inches. I checked these like 10 times. It doesn't feel right. I have never done anything like this. Life does go on and just seems to get better.

Don't let this fool you I have not forgotten why I get sinus infections. I get these every year. I hate them and I never got them before the attack from my ex. I got them several times a year the first few years after. Now it is down to once a year. It is a constant reminder when it happens of that night when he body slammed me and beat my face into the floor. The doctors have taken multiple x-rays and say their is no permanent damage but I still get these sinus infections. I hope in time maybe I won't get them anymore. But only time will tell. For now I just need to stay focused on my journey. And if I can continue to help others, that is what will help me be happy,motivated and accountable.

So tomorrow I will take pictures and post them on my Facebook page for you. Here's the link to Gabby Wells, my Facebook page. Please come and view them. I would love for you to "like" my page and connect with you there.

Day 20- A Setback and A New Plan to Forge Ahead

2010-12-05T01:17:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday I went to the doctor and got weighed. I wasn't to happy with the results.I now weigh 304. That means I have gained 3 pounds. I have worked hard so this makes me a little mad at myself. So, I took my measurements again to see if they had changed, hoping to find some rhyme or reason for this. Here are my measurements:
Chest   44"            new 43"                 R. Arm 14"          new 15"         R. Leg 24.25"     new 24.5"
Waist   51"           new 52.5"          L. Arm 14.5"       new   14.5"      L Leg 25"       new 25"
Hips   55.25"          new 54"
After looking at this, I am guessing it could be a couple of things. 1) I wasn't that great at calorie control during Thanksgiving and 2) I probably have had some muscle gain.I know it could also be water weight. It makes me a little upset. I have decided that I need to watch my water intake a little better and start weighing my food in an effort to track my calories better. After all I have been doing about the same thing now since March. My body has probably adjusted to my smaller portions and now it is probably time to focus more on my food once again. So, today I went and bought a food scale. Time to rev up my efforts into high gear again. I won't let 3 lbs beat me. I have worked way to hard for this. I go see the doctor again on Monday for my medication refill. I know they will weigh me again. Wish it wasn't so soon. I know how addicted I can get to seeing the numbers. But who knows maybe I will have a nice outcome. My new plan will be to weigh all my food to come up with a calorie count. Track this on my Blackberry along with my water content and my workouts. I may not have a Bodybugg to see exactly what my energy expenditures are but my tracker can give me a rough estimate and do the math. Just in case this is something that you would like to do for your weight loss efforts. You can get a free tracker for your smart phone at SparkPeople.com. I already track my workouts at WOWY through beachbody.com but it does not say what my calories burned are. The thing I do like about WOWY Supergym is that I get a monthly view of what I have done and I get to chat in the cool down chat after I workout with people who are cooling down also. But having a tracker on your phone is invaluable. It is with you through out your whole day no matter where you are. I have used it before, hence it is already on my phone.

Day 19- Follow Friday Twitter style gone Blogging and Dealing with Limitations

2010-12-03T10:09:00.000-08:00

I am always interested in your blogs. So when I saw another blogger I follow on Twitter do this in her blog I thought it was perfect. It is called a blog hop and it is much like Follow Friday on Twitter. If your reading this post your name on the list below so others can find you, including myself. Have fun with it.

As for my journey, lately I have been very busy as I am sure most of you all are with the holidays upon us. I am learning new things everyday. I think the most important thing is I can do anything I set my mind to. There will be good days and bad days. Taking things one day at a time (to borrow a phrase) is the key. Health doesn't come over night. It takes work just like parenting, a business or a marriage. We have to put work into it everyday. We have to make time for it.

We all have limitations. I can worry about my oldest kid but as she gets older I realize I don't have control over what she does. She is thirteen and I can encourage her but I can't make her decisions for her. She isn't the extension of me that she used to be. She is her own person just like my husband. Even with our own bodies as we get older or get injured we don't have the control over the situation like we would like. Yesterday, my heel spur hurt so bad I couldn't walk well. But I pushed through it and got done most of the things I needed to get done for my family. Ok so sure, my workout didn't get done but I am ok with that. It was one day and I can't control my body as much as I would like anymore. Pain sets in and we have to take it easy. I am not taking my eyes off the prize--my health and my weight loss. I simply took a day off to rest my foot the best I could. Today, I will take some pain medication and workout. We all have to come to these realizations. We have limits, whether it is pushing another person or ourselves. It is hard and a struggle to not have control. These are the boundaries we work with though. What we can control is our attitude toward it. I think in the past I have let these limits take over my thinking and hold me back. The worry, the self-doubt, the body image hating all have roots in control issues, limits and boundaries. Once we end our stinkin' thinkin', change our self talk about situations, things can and will start to change. It's all about our prospective. Sure we can't change others but we influence them everyday by what we do. We can't overcome all our medical issues, but we can work to change what we can. It's all in your prospective. Staying positive no matter what. Think it can't be done? lol I would have said the same a year ago but even I learned this during my homelessness. I got upset wanting to blame God, my husband, myself for my situation. But I realized that it didn't matter who was to blame. I had to work to get myself and my family back on track. I also had to realize I could learn from it more than how not to become homeless again. I learned we can get through anything. Sometimes we need to reach out and ask for help. I did and found my coach. Who helped my stinkin thinkin and got me back on track. I started walking and doing strength exercises in the park after making phone calls to get us out of our car and into an apartment. It worked. It wasn't overnight. Nothing ever is. We just have to keep pushing forward. I now have a nice place and a business. Who'd have thought that? So keep pushing forward even if you have a set back. And if you need someone to talk to give you a push in the right direction, whether it be fitness or just life message me.

Day 16- Good Results and Thoughts on Being Human

2010-11-30T04:09:00.000-08:00

This week was a little more difficult in some ways staying on track. For my readers who aren't in the US, it was Thanksgiving, which is a holiday here that includes an incredible feast with family much like Christmas. So, having Turkey and mash potatoes is never great but having a lot of leftovers can be even worse on a diet. I wanted to do two workouts a day to help and try to keep my portions down. Well, I did pretty good with my portions on all the other days, except the actual Thanksgiving dinner. I did allow myself to have a little more but not a lot and no seconds. I even made myself workout before I had my pie. As my other posts this week have pointed at, I did not get two workouts a day in and I had to take two days off. My muscles are sore and heavy which makes working out hard. But I know the more I push myself the better I get. The stronger I feel. my punches are stronger, more precise and my kicks are stronger. I know this workout is kickboxing and not self defense but I know these moves could be used for that.It makes me feel like maybe I could defend myself if I needed to. After all I don't want to ever be put in the positions I have been. I think if only I had known this or that move. If only I had known my ex-husband was cheating on me. If only I had known about, certain things; maybe it would have been different but you know we can't go back and change the past. All we can do is live in the present and plan for the future. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. My ex may get wind of my online presence and come after me, heaven forbid. But if he does I hope all the work I am doing now, will prepare me. Saying that I guess I am still scared, but who wouldn't be? He told me that when I least expected it, he would be there. So, I try to stay vigilant about the safety of myself and my family. I know what he is capable of, even if my husband now says my ex won't do anything because he is here. I know it has been many years but you never forget when you are hurt like this. I have learned to forgive. Some may say how can you? Some things are just unforgivable but you know unforgiveness only breeds bitterness and anger. I don't want to be bitter. I have lived with bitter people before and it is much nicer for you and the people around you if you are not a bitter person. I hear my friends at church say to forgive and forget. My answer is "I am not God. I am human and in my mind it is like it was yesterday. If I forget, then it leaves me open to letting it happen again." You never know what will happen, good or bad. Being prepared for anything is your best option.

Took more measurement tonight.

Chest   43.25"     new 44"            R. Arm 15"          new 14"         R. Leg 25.25"     new 24.25"
Waist   53"        new 51"          L. Arm 15.5"       new   14.5"      L Leg 25.5"       new 25"
Hips   56"          new 55.25"

So, you can see I lost 5.5 more inches. That brings my total up to 15". Woohoo! Got tons more to go. I really do need to go to my doctor and get weighed this week. So excited but even if the scale doesn't say what I want I know my body is changing.

Hopefully, if there is anything that you as my reader can take away from this is you can't control anyone but you. Be kind to yourself; sometimes life doesn't go as planned. Deal with it and move on. If I had done what I have done before, I would have told myself how stupid I was for not doing what I had planned and that I couldn't do it because I had no willpower. It is just too hard. What good did that ever do me? I ended up fatter every time. I ended up unhappy and even more unhealthy. The other thing is I was proving my ex and my Dad right whenever I let myself fail. I don't want them to have that kind of power over me. I want to have power over myself. It truly is mind over matter. Having the will to succeed doesn't happen over night. This thinking took work. I started changing my thinking not with this blog, although blogging does change it in some ways, but this has taken me since I think March of this year. It wasn't over night. It took telling myself these things over and over till I believed them. Now I don't remember the last time I call myself names like stupid or fat. I have blonde moments don't get me wrong. They are just mistakes. I know that doesn't make me stupid. It makes me human.

Day 14- Pushing myself and Being brave

2010-11-27T05:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a great day. Thanksgiving usually is. I got up early to cook most the day. I enlisted my daughter's and husband's help this year with the cooking. It was busy anyway. We ate our feast and I asked everyone what they were thankful for and everyone grumbled "Why does she always do this?" But it was good. We all are very thankful to have the roof over our heads and a table with chairs to eat at. Seems silly if you don't know, my family and I were homeless for about 7 weeks this summer. It was a very poorly planned out move to another state. Not like my husband didn't have a job. And then when we did got in here, we didn't have chairs because our chairs didn't fit in our moving van. So, needless to say we all had much to be thankful for. I had set up some goals for me to get through Thanksgiving without loosing weight. I made sure I had the cranberries, so I got in some fruit. I tried to have more turkey and not as much potatoes and stuffing. And most of all I was going to two workouts before I had pie. No matter what happened I told myself I would not beat myself up if I didn't do some of these things. Well, I met most of my goals. I didn't do two workouts, but I did do an hour worth of Turbo Cardio Party. I didn't want to; not sure why but my muscles just didn't want to move. I hadn't over eaten. I had to push myself to get through the video. But by the end I was happy I had and then I did allow myself a piece of pie. We all will have days like that when we just don't want to exercise, we may not want to but we need to. What we will find in pushing ourselves is that one we can do it and two pride in the accomplishment.

Today, was also a very good day. I did the Turbo Jam 20 minute video. I know I needed to workout. It would have all been to easy with the holiday season to just not do it. I still don't do all the moves right but I am getting better. The more you do it the easier the moves get. My form isn't great but I know with time it will get better. My son even pretended to work out with me. He was really cute with his weighted gloves on and everything.

One thing about having my situation. the domestic violence that was proceeded by years of stalking is the isolation. I have spent years not trusting people, hiding myself away for fear of my ex-husband finding me and my daughter. This meant things like moving a lot, changing our names, never taking the same way home because I could and have been followed. It also has meant no contracts on my cell phone because he found me once through that. I have had to be very protective of my privacy. Going online meant no pictures online and never putting my real city where I lived. Slowly through talking to others I have learned to trust. I met my husband on the internet while I was gaming. It wasn't like I was looking. It just happened and even then I waited six months to give him my phone number. It was the best thing that I ever did. We have now been married three and a half years and have a beautiful son together. Only through his love have I learned to trust others and start to love myself. Without him, I probably wouldn't have started this journey. I would have continued thinking I was doing the best I could under these conditions. It has been through the internet that I have gone to school and finished my education this past year and through the internet that I met my coach. These things have been life changers for me. The internet has allowed me to come out of my shell. So, it was highly appropriate that the final act of self confidence, the very act of being out there and releasing myself from my ex's hold was on the internet. I accomplished this today, 11 years, 2 months, and 3 days after that night that changed everything. The night I told you about in my first post. Today, I took that final act of bravery and posted my picture. It was scary. I did cry and within moments I was met with such wonderful comments from my family and friends that I am so glad I finally did it. Everyone commented on how beautiful I was inside and out. Before I would have argued with them but today looking at myself on Facebook I saw the beautiful woman I had become. I saw how happy I am in my eyes and knew that they were right. I may not be as skinny as I want to be, but beauty isn't about that.

Day 12- A lesson in Strength

2010-11-25T02:33:00.000-08:00

Today was very busy. Work seemed to be never ending and getting house work done was almost impossible. Seems like when my teenage daughter is home from school, my four year old goes wild and it makes it harder to work. I didn't get my workout done until midnight. I really didn't want to workout at all today. But I pushed myself to get up and do the 20 minute workout even though I was supposed to do Cardio Party per the schedule that comes with the system. I was so happy I did that by the time the 20 minute video ended I was still raring to go and started the Ab Jam video or disc. lol I seem so old sometimes. Will I ever get used to new terms and technology? Speaking of feeling old, just the other day on twitter one of my friends asked if anyone remembered wearing leg warmers. Ah, that brought back some memories. I remember wearing legwarmers and headbands. I thought I was cool. My daughter would die. Of course this led to a conversation of old exercise gurus like Jane Fonda and Richard Simmons. I was in really good shape then. I wasn't really fat then. I was a little chubby. I did Jane Fonda during the summer that year and came back to school with a flat stomach but still felt fat. I remember wearing baggy clothes and one day when I dressed down for PE with my best friend she was surprised. She thought I was still overweight. I was so proud of myself. My reasoning for doing it then though was screwed up. I wanted one of my brother's friends, Marc, to notice me. It didn't work. He was at least three years older than me. When your in junior high, three years is a big difference. But I was young and thought that it didn't matter then. The things we learn as we grow is amazing. Now I know I have to finish this battle of the bulge for me. I have to want to live for my family, for my kids, but most of all for me. I don't want to go back to being that fat and I don't want to stay here. I know it will take more time. And more hard work.
There is no easy way to lose weight; no secret to fight the battle of the bulge. As wonderful as it would be if there was a magic pill or surgery, I totally believe now that only going through the hard stuff, all the emotions of why and the discipline of learning how to push through the tough things, is the only way to undo what got me here in the first place. It isn't about just losing the weight. It is about learning to have good self talk and stopping the old tapes that play in my head. Every horrible thing said to me about my weight. All the names I was called and I am fatter now. Wow, I hadn't thought about that. I am not going to cry. That boy in high school isn't here now who called me a cow and would say moo as I passed as he would shove me into the locker. I had my locker moved and still he managed to do it on the bus everyday until we moved to another house. I am going to lose this weight for me and feel good about myself when my 20th reunion comes up. That is what my journey is about learning to focus on me, feeling better about me, and being healthy. As hard as it is to remember these things, I need to feel my emotions and know that it is ok. I didn't then. Back then I went home, I might have complain about what a jerk he was, and had a coke and some chips. Or gone to work and has some fries and a chocolate milk shake (I worked at Burger King then). I would drowned my emotions in food. And yes, I am embarrassed to admit this but at one point I even turned to bulimia, thinking it would solve my weight problem. That lasted a couple years but in the end I liked binging to much. I went to OA for a while and there was a support group for kids with eating disorders at school, that seemed to help for awhile. But I know when my first fiance broke up with me, the first place I went was to Burger King to transfer stores since he worked with me and get my chocolate milk shake. Why because it hurt way to much to talk about it. I loved Steve so much and it hurt more than I could imagine.

But today, I am proud of myself I pushed through myself wanting to quit. That is what matters now. I have perseverance and disciple more than I ever have before. Now bring on Thanksgiving tomorrow. I know it will be a hard day with a lot of food around and lots to do. And as scary as that is I say "Bring it on". Why because nothing can be as hard as fighting for my life with domestic violence. Nothing can be as hard as being homeless. I have so much to be thankful for. I have 2 beautiful children, a wonderful husband who loves me, cherishes me fat or thin and I am proud of myself. I don't need the approval of my dad or my mother or any of my family. I am strong and I can get through Thanksgiving and the rest of my journey into wellness despite all that has happened to me. My name is no mistake. Gabrielle means strong, warrior because of the angel, Gabriel.Oh, that I may live up to my name.

Day 10- Results

2010-11-23T05:00:00.000-08:00

I meant to post yesterday. I really have been trying to sleep more. I know it is late now. I have been asleep on the couch for at least four hours, but I really had to let you know that I measured yesterday. I am really excited to let you know what my results are. I measured a week ago and then yesterday. So these are 6 day results.

Chest   44"     new 43.25"            R. Arm 16.75"      new 15"          R. Leg 27.75"    new 25.25"
Waist 53.5"   new 53"                L. Arm   16"          new 15.5"        L Leg 28"        new 25.5"
Hips 56.5"    new 56"

Woohoo! That's 9 inches lost in 6 days! Most of it a whole 5" came off my thighs. I can't wait to see my results next week.

I know that this week is Thanksgiving but I am determined to keep up my exercise and I want to try to kick it up a notch to make up in case I do want to indulge a little. So, yesterday I did Cardio Party which is a 50 minute workout and then today I did 20 minute workout and Ab Jam, both of which are 20minutes a piece. I am feeling my abs so much tonight, but I know this is all worth it now. I see the benefit of Turbo Jam in these results. I can't tell people enough measure because even when you don't have a scale or the scale won't budge you can always see how many inches you have lost. The other thing is using the tools that your plan has for you. This is why I love Beachbody; one of the tools they have for us is a coach. What an invaluable tool this is. Being able to talk with someone else who has gone through this or is still going through it is the coolest thing. I know I can shoot a message to my coach and ask her a question about my workout or my diet at anytime. This is how you prevent injuries and keep people motivated. This is the person who will let you know it is ok to modify the workout or your diet based on you. Say your knees are hurting, they can ask if you are doing the workout on carpet and tell you that you need to switch to a hard surface. Or help you revamp your diet to better suit your likes and dislikes.
The great thing is anybody can do this. Anyone can be a coach. If you like helping people and are willing to look things up you don't know, you can be a coach . If you want to know about the whole opportunity, here is the business presentation. It really is fun and right now, with the sign up fee waived for the next month it is a great time to get started. And come the first of the year, with everyone wanting to start the new year right and having their New Year's resolutions being to lose weight, if you are an Emerald Coach (that is just two coaches under you) you can qualify for the customer distribution program. That means all those people calling in on those infomercials could be assigned to you and people on your team. Come be a part of my team. Some people come just for the discounts on the product (25%) and some come to make a little money. But whatever your reasoning, it really is a good opportunity to make a little extra money. Wouldn't you want to work for a company that has proven results for their products and believes that you can make it and will give you all the tools and support to do it? You don't have to be skinny or be a fitness fanatic, although if you try the product you will be passionate about fitness. I know I am. I know that I can lose all my weight with Turbo Jam and Beachbody products because it has worked so far. So, what are you waiting for? Contact me at one of the links on the left hand side of this page.

Day 8

2010-11-21T03:56:00.000-08:00

I meant to post yesterday but I must have worked out hard. I did two different Turbo Jams: Booty Sculpt + Abs and Cardio Party. I ended up falling asleep on the couch at like 9 or 10 O'clock. Maybe I should be working out more if it will help with my sleep so well. I only did one workout today and it was the Turbo Jam 20 minute. So far I think that is my favorite. Not because it is only 20 minutes but because it gets you so pumped up. I know I am starting to lose more weight. Unfortunately, I do not own a scale. So, I will have to go to my doctor and get weighed. This works for me because it forces me to see my doctor; something I need to do with my health condition.
I have told you guys and girls about my heel spur. What I haven't told you is that I have had foot problems for awhile. I have had flat feet forever. But with working out this year, I lost the flexibility of my right foot. It was painful to do certain moves at the gym. The doctor found the heel spur because I tore my fascia; so it has been incredibly hard to walk some days. But I have pushed through to find what I can do. Last night I noticed I could bend my foot. I was amazed. I am not sure how but I have my flexibility back. I woke up with my usually back pain and heel pain. So, I stretched as I often do in the morning before I get out of bed when I am in pain. I got up expecting to not be able to walk well and having to limp. To my surprise, I didn't have that much pain and I was walking fine. This was like this most of the day. Maybe getting enough sleep helps that too. Who knows but I think I may have to try to duplicate yesterday, with the two workouts and getting enough rest and see how this helps.

Day 6

2010-11-19T01:36:00.000-08:00

Today was an even busier day. It has come to my attention that I need to not just attempt a to-do list on my phone but actually write it down with an actual schedule and stick to it. My time management is out of control. I can't believe a SAHM even needs to do this but when you run your own business things get crazy at time. I have never been good at this. But my house house isn't staying very clean and my things aren't getting done. I did my workout tonight at like 9:30 pm. I am so glad I did even though about the only thing that is constant in my life and always has been is "my time". You know the time when the kids go to bed and you get to sit and just relax. I broke that rule today to workout. It was worth it but I would prefer not to let "my time" of relaxing go by the wayside every night. As a mom, I totally believe every mom needs that. I have long since given up the bath with a good book and replaced it with the computer and games, which I like but I also miss that long, hot bath with a good book. I may have to find time for both. This may mean going to bed at a sensible time. That is going to be hard with my husband of 49, who thinks a sensible time is like 3 or 4 am. That is all well and good for him he usually goes to work at like 2pm; but I get up at like 8 am. So, I never get enough sleep. Just in time to see my 13 year old off to school and greet the little girl I babysit a few days a week. I work on my business and receive phone calls from various people. And if one of my friends should happen to have an emergency who helps them out but me; which is what happened the last couple of days. If your the type of friend who will drop everything at the drop of a hat, things suffer if you don't have a list reminding you of what you need to do. I am a great friend. No one can fault me for that or say I am a bad friend. lol I am just bad at time management. I always have been. My brother used to joke when we were kids that I held the door open for everyone when God gave out brains and I fell asleep. I know he was just trying to get me mad but it has been true to an extent about me being to nice. So, dedicating myself to losing weight has been good for me. It has instilled some discipline because I don't want to be this size anymore. I now I see that with a little hard work and making sure I stick to my exercise everyday I can accomplish anything.

My workout today was back to Turbo Jam. This time it was Punch, Kick, and Jam. It was hard. My DVD screwed up, which in the past would have been an excuse to quit for the day. But I pushed myself to wait for the DVD to keep going and it did and I finished the 50 minutes. I am starting to do the kicks better. My thighs sweated more than they ever have in my life. I sweated right through my pants! It was great. My skinny workout pants are now loose and I feel it in my abs more every time I do it. I can't wait for tomorrow and to workout again. I know after a week that the more I do this it will work. Having accountability and motivation with my coach and determination is all I need to keep this up right to the end.

I really would like to know what you guys want to know about. Please make some comments. Let me know you are reading this.

Day 5

2010-11-18T03:44:00.000-08:00

Today was a busy day. I was tired most of the day, but I have worked hard all week. I did do Shimmy today. I like it. It makes me feel feminine and young. Like I said yesterday, Shimmy is a bellydance workout on FitTV. I have DVRed most of the episodes now. Although, I am still working on like episode 12 or 13 out of 25 I think. Anyway, I did this for 16 minutes as I couldn't take anymore. My heel spur just couldn't take it today. That is ok. I am just proud of myself for doing 16 minutes. You should never push yourself if it hurts. Now I don't mean soreness; actual pain is what I mean. One thing I have learned is pushing yourself to hard can end in injury. Another thing I have learned is never be to hard on yourself. If you can't work at the high intensity of the workout or you mess up your diet, the worse thing you can do is beat yourself up. What happens when you do that? I know with me, when I beat myself up it just leads to overeating. Which usually leads to more overeating because I tell myself one of two things. One that I will get back on track tomorrow, which maybe the biggest lie ever. Or I get depressed and end up not working out or watching my diet, until the next time I start thinking "ok it is time to really do this".
I know you can probably see, due to the time stamp, it is late. I know I should be in bed, especially since I have been tired all day. In my defense, I fell asleep on the couch at like 10pm and woke at 1 or 1:30am. So, I will go to bed soon. Sleep is very important when trying to lose weight. Our muscles need it to repair themselves. I know from all my biology classes from school that when we sleep our cells repair themselves. And I am guessing with my craving today for protein, the building block of muscles, that mine are craving to repair themselves, which is even more of a reason to get more sleep. I just have never been good at sleep, except maybe napping when I was a kid. As I was growing up, it was one of the few times my father would leave me alone. But at night for some reason, maybe it was his drinking he would wake me up either with yelling, playing music loudly with some other musicians, or just to finish my chores or practice my piano or something. I know sounds lovely. But that is just how it was. But it led to my insomnia issues and my neurologist thinks it led to my sleep apnea which is made worse by my weight. One of the best things about losing weight has been getting off all my meds, except the blood thinner of course, but I am still on the sleep apnea machine. I do think at some point I will feel like I can live without it, though. On that note I will sign off and go to bed. Please leave a note or comment with encouragement or just to let me know you came by. I really would like to hear from you guys and girls reading this.

Day 4

2010-11-17T03:09:00.000-08:00

Today, I tried the weighted gloves that come with the Turbo Jam videos.This is the second time I have done the 20 minute workout. It was easier today even with the weight gloves. I am loving this! Someone on my Facebook page said I have Turbo Fever and you know what I do. When I got done my obliques hurt. I am pretty sure this was due to the gloves. I am so ready for the rest day tomorrow that the schedule calls for. I will probably do some other form of exercise that is a little less strenuous though. That way I am still doing some cardio. If you don't yet know, rest days are a good way to let your muscles recovery. It is like when you go to bed and rejuvenate. But you can exercise, it is just a matter of letting the muscle that you worked have a rest so my arms hurt from all the punches so I will do something that is easy on my arms and obliques. I will probably do Shimmy. It is a belly dancing workout that I have been doing for the last month from FitTV. It is awesome too. Low impact, barefoot which is great for my heel spur. And it focuses on my thighs, hips and belly. I will write more about that tomorrow as it is late and I am tired. One thing I need to work on is getting enough sleep.

Day 3

2010-11-16T02:16:00.000-08:00

My daughter says my legs look smaller! Whoo hoo. She was watching me workout tonight in between talking to her teen friends on Facebook when she noticed. I am so excited. During losing my first 40 lbs I was kind of disappointed because I mostly lost weight across my chest and upper arms. There is a reason for that I know.

Number 1 when doing cardio you tend to loose fat around your heart first. This is usually most disappointing for women for a number of reasons. Our chest is so much part of us. Either we are big and we like that because we think that is what men like so loosing our D or bigger cups is devastating. like in my case. Or I see many women get upset because they were Cs or B cups and are worried that they will be As or flat chested. It is like somehow our woman hood is related to our boobs. We tend to have this idea that men or our husband won't like us if we aren't that perfect size. Or if as we get older or nurse our kids and our boobs start to droop that somehow along with loosing their perkiness we lose some sense of our sensuality or sexiness. But men like them in all shapes and sizes. No boob is the same anyway. Most aren't symmetrical but all they are is fat and mammary glands anyway. But yes they are what they are sex objects and food supplies for our babies. They are sensual, but I don't think that by losing some of the size that some how it makes them any less beautiful or they lose sensation.

Number 2 my arms lost weight and gained muscle because I was lifting weights. I was living at an apartment complex at the time that had a weight room and I took full advantage. Lifting weights makes you burn calories longer than with cardio alone. And women lifting heavy won't necessarily mean that you will gain large muscles. Sure we don't want to lift 300 lbs like men can sometimes. But lateral pull downs at 70 lbs or 80 if you can do it. Go for it. I was doing 70 when I moved a couple of months ago and I don't have huge muscles. But I am strong, which surprises many. I can lift my 45 lb son with no effort. In fact, he is now my bicep buddy. I do bicep curls with him. He loves it. Kids will do what is modeled to them. My teenage daughter isn't into working out ever. I didn't workout when she was younger. I was to depressed. But my 4 yr old son, will workout with me when he isn't running circles around me as I workout or stealing my water.

Being strong to me is important. I felt so weak for so long; still do most of the time. Those moments I feel strong I cherish. I don't want to feel weak anymore. I have felt like a child for so long. I am 36 now and still no matter what I do, say or act; I feel like a child. But when I workout, it makes me feel like a grown up. It makes me feel like I can take on the world the smaller I get and the stronger my muscles are. Like no matter what anybody, any man does to me maybe I could defend myself. I have let myself feel inferior to others. I got good grades in school because my father demanded it of me or there were consequences. I continued after my parents got divorced because it was something I could control. I didn't have to talk to people when I studied. I did enjoy learning because I felt smart the more I learned but when I would talk to others I still felt like they were smarter than me somehow. I know now it was all those tapes playing in my head that made me think that. Thinking that boys didn't like smart girls. And things like no man would like me with my thighs. Ugh Why did I listen to the men who said that?

My coach read day 1 and said she was so proud of me because I had made so much progress since she met me several months ago. She is right I have. I have not only taken step 1 in a lifestyle change, which is identifying what was my triggers to getting fat but I think and I maybe wrong that step 2 is learning to stop those tapes from playing in your head. They may play from time to time but learning to identify the bad self talk and finding strategies to get beyond the lies we have told ourselves all these years is huge.

Ok time to stop my psycho babbling for now and get to reality of where I am. Reality check:

Chest 44" R. Arm 16.75" R. Leg 27.75"
Waist 53.5" L. Arm 16" L Leg 28"
Hips 56.5"

Weight 301

I can't remember where I put my measurements from 6 months ago when I started losing weight; but I can remember I weighed 337 after I had been working out a week or so and my chest was 48". So, I know I have lost about 40lbs maybe more and at least 4" maybe more.
Seeing these measurements does upset me. In high school, I may have been 178 but I remember in jr high I probably weighed 156 and I measured my waist and it was 27". Now my thigh is that size. So not pretty.
Well, this is where I am now; I will just have to workout and lose it.

On a good note, Turbo Jam was awesome today. I worked out for 45 min. doing Cardio Party. The kicks are still hard for me to get the timing right. But as you already know I was a dancer not a kickboxer. I will get it;it just takes practice. The rest was really good. Even with my heel spur I could modify the moves so I could make it low impact when I needed. I drank 64 oz of water during the DVD and sweated for a good hour after. Was sore in my obliques and front abdominals for a bit but it has since subsided.

Day 2

2010-11-14T17:23:00.000-08:00

I am going to try to tell you about my transformation everyday for now. I just finished my 2nd Turbo Jam. I'm not great at all the moves yet but I love it. I drank 64 oz of water between start and the first 15 minutes of recovery that tells you it makes you sweat A LOT! It is so worth it. I know from losing the last 40lbs the more you sweat the more you will lose. One tip tho if you have long hair a pony tail isn't going to be good enough for this workout. You need your hair to be way up to avoid the dripping sweat. Seriously. I really do love this and being on teambeachbody.com and being able to chat after you workout is awesome. It brings the best things of having worked out at the gym with friends with you without having to actually drive to the gym. If you aren't a member there, get a coach and go. It is awesome. I can be your coach and motivate you for free. http://beachbodycoach.com/GabbyWells Just click join. Try it for free have a look around. It will keep you accountable. And having someone that you can message anytime for support, like myself, makes all the difference.

Getting to Know Me

2010-11-14T01:44:00.000-08:00

I am just your average woman, nothing special. I am 36 years old, married with two kids. I am a stay at home mom. I am overweight, but I am working on it. I have had several health problems not unlike other overweight individuals. I have sleep apnea and diabetes. I have had high triglycerides and high blood pressure. My biggest health issue is totally unrelated to my weight though. I have a rare blood disorder called antiphospholipid antigen disorder. Basically this means I have to take coumadin, which is a blood thinner, for the rest of my life.
I took high blood pressure meds and cholesterol meds for a while. And when I wanted to get pregnant a few years ago my doctor took me off the cholesterol meds and exchanged them for fish oil. That worked to get my triglycerides down but I never was able to get pregnant. Since then I am also off my diabetes and high blood pressure meds.
In the past six months, I have managed to lose close to 40 lbs. due to portion control and working out. So, now I weigh 301. I know that is a lot. We all have to start somewhere though. I am totally committed to losing the rest. I feel so much better than I did and I am so excited to see the end of this journey and get on to the next part of my life. It seems like this weight has been a part of me forever. I have always been a little big but never this big. My mom does have picture of me at 4 or 5 that I was normal but I had hormone issues at about age 6 and have been chubby ever since. I started dancing at the age of 6 or 7. I loved ballet and tap. I continued to take dance classes into high school and even started college as a dance major. I wanted to be a choreographer for contemporary christian music videos. I had talent. It was my passion. I got really good grades in school. When I graduated high school, I weighed 178 with 142 lbs worth of muscle. I wasn't skinny but my muscle wasn't defined as I would have like it either. I am 5'3" so I was never happy with the 178. I injured my knee senior year. It was a torn cartilage. My doctor wanted to do surgery but insurance said I had to do physical therapy. So I did and then I went to college. This was hard on my knee. I danced nearly 5 hours a day. I know I must have damaged it more. I had lost weight but I don't know how much. But I didn't have enough money to stay at that college. So, I came home to figure out what I was going to do. Very few colleges have dance as a major. Just before I was to register for classes at the community college I got in a car wreck. I injured my back and was laid up for awhile. Unfortunately, this meant I lost my insurance because it was from my mom and I had to go to school to continue to be on it. I gained weight. I did eventually go back to school but I was floundering. Not knowing what I wanted to do. I was working at Burger King which I had since I was 15. I decided to move and find "the love of my life", an old boyfriend. I was finally excited about something. But that didn't work out and I was wooed off my feet by a good looking, smooth talking man. It was to good to be true. Should have been a big red flag. We were moving to fast. 4 months latter I found myself married. The man who treated me like a queen, never wanting to be away from me suddenly turned into a man I didn't know. He was hiding his wallet and his ID. I found things shredded in the garbage and he would come up with reasons. I bought them all. He yelled at me, he back handed me. I left for the night but I came back thinking I had made him do it. I gained weight; he encouraged me to do Jenny Craig. I lost for a while but when I hit a plateau he told me the scales where wrong there that I was gaining again. Couple months later I found out I was pregnant. We were elated. But then girls started calling the house. He would make up stories that I believed. He had just driven her home. Or she just wanted him but he didn't like her. I believed him after all he was gorgeous. I was young and stupid. There were red flags all over the place. I had the baby; things got better for awhile. I lost 40 lbs nursing. Then the verbal abuse started again. And went on for almost a year before it blew up. He beat me in April of that year for the first time. I was scared. He had hit me in the head with a phone because I tried to call the police. When people at work said something about my eye (I couldn't cover it up with make up), I said I had a fight with a phone and the phone won. He swore he would never do it again. I knew he was having an affair but what could I do? He had isolated me. My car was at some "friend's" house, whom I didn't know and supposedly didn't work. He refused to tell me where. Nothing happened physically for another 5 months but he made me quit my job and work closer to home. He wouldn't let me use his car unless he was home and didn't let me have the use of the phone. I bought my own. He was upset about that and said it was his phone line. One night in September it came to a head again and he backhanded me and held a knife to me. This time he bruised my cheek. I decided I had to leave. I was stupid again and told him I would be doing this in a few months when I had more money. That was the biggest mistake I ever made. That was Sunday by Thursday he started another fight and this time he almost killed me. He told me I better leave. I was getting my stuff together enduring his verbal abuse and I told him I was taking my daughter. He told me I wouldn't leave there alive with her. There was just something in his eyes. I knew he was telling the truth. I knew I had to get her out of there. He grabbed her by the arm and threw her in her room. He sat and watched me get my stuff. Watching her door. Knowing I would go get her eventually. I was waiting for the right time. I made my move and got body slammed to the ground and he pulled my hair, beating my head into the carpet. I remember screaming for my life. Thinking I have to stay awake. My daughter's life depends on me not being knocked out. Somehow I managed to get up and run to the door and grab my stuff. Thinking I would come back for her. He grabbed me, holding me against the door. I screamed into the crack. Hoping someone would hear me. Thinking this is it. I am going to die here. He took my glasses away and my keys off my wrist. And shoved me through the door. And just to finish off the humiliation kicked me in the butt telling me to never come back. Luckily, my downstairs neighbors heard everything. They asked me to come in, told me they had already called the cops. He was arrested. I went to a shelter that night.

Many things have happened since then. But that night, that relationship changed my life. I was depressed for many years. I battled my weight going to Weight Watchers and doing Slim-Fast. It all seemed to work for awhile but I never lost that much weight. I wasn't committed to it. I was in pain when I exercised because of the amount of weight that I was carrying. So, mainly I complained a lot and tried to eat healthy off and on.
Finally, 2010 came I had been remarried to a man now for the length of time I had been married to my first husband and I had a three year old along with my daughter. My life was getting better. I hadn't been depressed in awhile. I decided to make that change that every diet plan had talked about. I started with Jillian Micheals online program. It worked. I wasn't really good at navigating her site but I was losing weight and feeling better. I started following her on twitter and found Chalene Johnson, the creator of Turbo Jam. I started getting these inspirational twitters throughout my day. This spured me on. Then a Beachbody fitness coach started talking to me. She wanted to be my coach. I had never bought any Beachbody products but that didn't matter. I didn't have any money. She didn't care. She just wanted to support me in my weight loss journey. Through her guidance. I got stronger emotionally. Now I am a Beachbody coach and am helping others.
Today I started Turbo Jam. What a workout! I know in the next year I will lose the rest of my weight. Never again will I let it have a hold on me. Thank you Beachbody for my wonderful coach. I pray that I can pay it forward and help people the way she has helped me.