Just Sayin'...

It's That Time of Year Again.

2014-12-01T22:29:00.000-05:00

My mind & body are enduring what can best be described as a hostile take-over. Don't worry gents, this isn't a post about women things, it's a post about S.A.D., an abbreviation for Seasonal Affective Disorder, and it is real. Every year, it is VERY REAL.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (or S.A.D.) is a type of depression that in most people who suffer from S.A.D. arrives in the Fall, and in most instances doesn't leave until the Spring. S.A.D hit me like a ton of bricks on Sunday. I have been feeling great lately. People ask me how I was doing and it is a wonderful feeling to say "Good!" & mean it. This year I didn't even see this wretched creature coming, but I know these feeling all to well to deny what they are.

I woke up on Sunday morning and immediately wanted to go back to sleep, but my neighbors are way too loud and were jamming out to some type of Grupera. I am almost thankful for this because I probably would've slept all day otherwise; however, I didn't actually get out of bed until 1 p.m. ( I am seriously mortified writing this tid-bit, btw). It was now time to join society and be amongst the living. So, I tried to be active, but I couldn't. I wanted to bring out my Christmas decorations, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I couldn't get myself to turn off Game of Thrones (which I have seen a few times...who wants to see that smoky demon thing coming out of the red chicks vag again anyway?). I couldn't get it together; that is until I heard Hoobastank's "The Reason" coming through the floorboards and then Adele. Are you kidding me? Why not just put a pillow over my face with that music selection?

I quickly got in my car and drove.

At this point I know exactly what I have to do to keep from slipping too far into a place that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, part of the reason I got my 2nd job is to keep my mind busy throughout these dreadful months. As an anxious person who suffers from depression, the mind is a terrible place to be stuck. Irrationality taking over can often ruin relationships, start fights with the most beloved people in ones life and add to existing anxiety. Keeping busy is key. PUSH YOURSELF!

Meditation is another way to try to get out of ones head. Of course, meditation (dhyana) in it's most organic meaning is fabulous for the mind, body & spirit if you can do that. Many can't. Meditation takes practice, don't give up. I like to run and consider it a form of meditation. Running connects me with my breath and takes me out of my head. For some it may be a group exercise class, yoga or even free weights, but whatever it is find it and PUSH YOURSELF!

Surround yourself with people, not just any people, but people who make you feel good. People who you know will cheer you up. Socializing is so important, although very hard to do when you're feeling your most wretched & vulnerable, but so key. If your honest with the people closest to you about what's going on they tend to understand and are much more patient when you have those little episodes of irrationality, mood swings, or woe-is-me moments. I've learned that if these people who claim to care about you are anything other than supportive then they weren't a good friends anyway. Judgement is not something you need when you are feeling the lowest of the low.

Four months out of every year is a struggle, but every year I battle and survive. I SURVIVE!

Underdogs or Heroes?

2014-05-12T21:22:00.002-04:00

I originally wrote this on May 1st, the next day I was told some disheartening news about Kevin. The night after the event of this post took place Kevin was robbed by a group of area kids. The end result was not good. There seemed to be a bit of a scuffle, Kevin is 5'1"-5'2" and he was by himself; he ended up pulling out a knife and well, let's put it this way, no one is dead, but Kevin is in county jail where he will remain until bare minimum his arraignment at the end of the month.

I believe in every word that wrote about Kev, I know that he has the potential to be a great human being.

"I am a big fan of the misunderstood, the vilified,

the underdog, the breaking of myths." - Dominic Monaghan

Over the weekend one of my son's friends contacted me. He asked me if I had time to help him with a resume. My first thought was that it has taken me a long time to find a job, are you sure that you want my help?!? Of course I was willing to lend a hand.

A little background about this particular friend, Kevin, he was never a huge hit with the other parental units among Bryan's crowd. He is quiet when he doesn't know you, which may make him come across as shady and untrustworthy. He is always wearing headphones tuning out society and loathes authority. He is generally bearded and wears gauges in his ears. He seemed to mix with the wrong people and trouble repeatedly found him.

I try not to judge people, especially teenagers and young people, mainly because they are in this stage for such a short time, trying to find where they fit in. Some make really bad decisions, but Kevin was always respectful of me and my home and I have a soft spot for the underdog. After all, someone has to help these boys become the men they are meant to be.

One day, this young man decided he didn't like having to alter his brain every day to feel something or nothing, (I suppose is a better way to put it). Kevin was taking a huge step; he wanted to change, wanted a chance, so he took it. He is just about to finish his first semester in college, so when I heard he needed help with a resume I was so excited.

He came over on Monday night, as planned, with a ginormous back pack on his back filled with school books and a laptop computer; while I booted up my laptop he gathered the resume information. As I looked over the information I asked Kevin, who Ralph was, (it was all Ralph’s information in front of me). "A guy I met on the corner.” he said. Well, my neck spun around so fast, I am surprised I didn't have whiplash. WHAT? Seriously, was this a joke? I went from proud to heartbroken within a matter of seconds.

It turns out I did not need to be heartbroken, but heart-filled. Ralph is not a dealer (& I am ashamed now to have even thought that), but a young homeless man who was distributing a newspaper written and distributed by homeless people. Kevin had been donating to help out Ralph when they started to delve a little deeper in conversation. Ralph was looking for a job and Kevin offered to help.

Ralph's information was extensive; this was an educated young man. His resume proved that he was educated and could hold a job. He was descriptive and had a plethora of skill sets. Why was this young man handing out papers? I'll never know, but if I can be a small part in helping Ralph get back on his feet the way so many have helped me, please let me.

I am so proud of my son's friend. Kevin doesn't get applauded for much or ask for it, lately he has been flying under the radar, doing school work and generally trying to lay-low; however, I could not let this go unnoticed. I am proud and thankful that he came to me to help and I am also honored to say that I think of Kevin as another son. I hope and pray that Bryan and all of his friends create an amazing path for each of their lives. It would be outstanding if they all chose to help others while their doing it.

Series of Unfortunate Events

2014-04-28T21:20:00.000-04:00

With out question, it has been a rough few months. I know, I know, the winter was crappy for everyone who lives in the Northeastern United States, the weather was treacherous. We barely went a week without a snow or ice storm, praying the electricity wouldn't go out this time. Pot holes are plenty as well as the flat tires that come along with the trenches on the roads that have gone for months without being addressed.

Unfortunately, I am writing about more then the weather. I was laid off from my full-time job in October of last year. I worked for a title company that was "bought out", leaving almost everyone jobless. "Don't worry", I said. "At least I have my 2nd job", I said. I can just pick up more hours at job #2, it won't be that bad...until I found out the truth about just how ridiculous the government is.

I applied for unemployment compensation the day I was laid off, normal stuff for the unemployed. I eventually heard back through snail mail and when I opened the envelope I realized that my 2nd job was pretty much useless, at least for the next little while. The letter stated that I was only allowed to make just a little over $100 (before taxes) per week at job #2 while collecting unemployment?? WHAT??? How was I going to live? How is this allowed? I worked at least 15-20 hours at my 2nd job and those hours were cut DRAMATICALLY!! I needed to work. I wanted to work. Every little bit of hope that I was trying to see was getting snuffed out by some suit & tie who actually has a job. "Don't worry", I said.

I was diligently searching for a job each and every day. I would set my alarm, just as I would if I was going to work. Hours in front of my computer sending resume after resume. No one was hiring. OK, well that is not entirely truth. I did find many jobs that I was just not qualified for. For instance, the Cocoa Bean Coordinator position; when people you tell you that you need a college degree to get a good job, LISTEN. I didn't qualify for this lucrative job for that reason alone. I couldn't even apply if I wanted to.

Must have a 4 year degree.

Then, there were those job descriptions that were so backwards and antiquated, that I wouldn't work for a company so belittling. This is in fact 2014, not 1950.

Poor English & sexism; not for me.

Everyday, I was going through so many job boards and listing, I thought I was going crazy, cross-eyed, or just plain delirious when I saw this next post. Again, I wasn't confident in applying until my best friend and got together and I realized just how qualified I (or we) was(/were), hell, I wonder if the job is still available?!? Tina, I'll fight you for it.

It's a bit easier to joke around about it now, but through out the last 6 months I definitely had some very low points. I had received a call to start a 2 week temporary job (with potential for a permanent position) just a few miles away from me in the next town. Sure! I was in and they loved me (of course they did!!) and decided to keep me, until I reported to my first day as a full-time employee. Don don don...I was told that over the weekend on a conference call that they had decided not to keep me on. HELLO??? Why wouldn't you call me? I was crushed. My whole demeanor changed.

I handled getting a speeding/erratic driving ticket (erratic because I was avoiding a pot hole) and having a car accident within a month of each other, putting my dog down, and now getting let go from a job I was filling paperwork out for 2 days prior. I was done for a bit. I was tired at this point. Although I knew that none of these things that happened to me were terrible or life-threatening, I knew that many people had it worse than I did, and that this pity-party was indeed a party of one, I mentally shut off.

I prayed a million times a day. I had others praying, I was trying everything that I could do to stay positive (at least in public), I cried a lot (in private). Everyone knew I wasn't myself. I had been quiet, secretly trying to keep it all together when I was on the brink of falling apart every second of every day.

The next few weeks were almost unbelievable. I think that if I didn't post to Facebook as things happened people wouldn't believe me; the string of unfortunate events has been sad. Again, no one's health was or has been at risk and I do believe that I am blessed, but the hole in my ceiling and stream of water pouring on to my bed was just another reason why my appointment with the psychiatrist was imperative. I rent my apartment so my landlord was quick to patch up the roof; however, the ceiling is still awaiting their inspection. (I'll be reminding them soon, I don't really want a bat in The Attic again if I can avoid it.)

I also got a flat tire while driving home from dropping my son off, I was able to make it to Pep Boys on the flat (no rim damage - thank goodness!) and I was only with out a car overnight; reason being, my tire is an unusual size. Still under this gray cloud, I plowed on. "Don't worry." I told myself. Words and support from family (especially Pop) & friends have meant everything to me. Encouraging words don't cost a penny, but when people remind you of the good things, your finer qualities; that it is never our plan, that it's His plan, you get lifted & it matters.

My car is back to me & that very night I received a message from an old friend; she was moving on from her job and her company was looking for a replacement and was I interested? UMMM...HELL YEA. I was interviewed and offered the job on the spot & I could suddenly see the light.

Although I owe many people money and favors (get your mind out of the gutter, I meant baby-sitting, etc.), I know that this time of being unemployed has been a time of reflection, which I used to realize that I will never again take having full-time employment for granted. I will never take the supportive people in my life for granted and I will pay-it-forward every opportunity that I have.

I am now ready to work on putting the pieces back together, getting my life back on track, and soldiering-on just like I was meant to.

P.S. Today when I picked my son up from his job, he said, "how was work?". Those words never felt so good!

Leo, my puppychops.

2014-02-13T16:10:00.000-05:00

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”

― Will Rogers

Leonardo DiCaprio Puppychow Heek Boyer (Leo), our dog, had been in our family for 14 years.

When I was married my ex-husband he was never very interested in having a dog, not that he doesn't like dogs, he just thought that we weren't ready for it and it wouldn't give us the freedom to just get up and go.

It was the day after my husband had told me that he didn't want to be married any longer, that he just was never in love with me, that Kelly, my then neighbor, along with Bryan who was 5 years old and her son Mitchell who was 3 and a half, took a trip to the mall. Kelly wanted to get me out of the house, to focus on anything other then reality, being February there wasn't too much to choose from, so window shopping it was. Since, the 2 boys were with us they naturally gravitated towards the Kay Bee Toy store. I had been in another world, pacing toward the front of the store, just numb from my world getting turned upside-down, when a young girl came in holding puppies, her name was Asia. She said that the puppies were up for adoption. Her grandmother's dog had given birth to a litter a few weeks ago and they couldn't afford to care for them for much longer. I took her number, went to my mom for advice & took the night to think about it. It didn't take too much convincing or thought to decide that a puppy was exactly what Bryan & I needed. After all, Bryan was at a great age to start learning responsibility and I couldn't really see a downside. I phoned Asia and met her the next day, she had one male left and we were blessed with our first dog. Leo was only 7 weeks old so I had to spoon feed him baby cereal and take him to get his shots. The veterinarian gave us a clean bill of health and so began our journey.

I had never had a dog before much less a puppy and I had literally no idea what I was doing. It was a bit if a rough start for us, I had NO IDEA the work that goes into having a new born pup. I quickly caught on (like any puppy-mother does) and figured out that all they really want is love. Leo became Bryan's best friend instantly. Leo was very willing to be wrestled with, tackled, chased and used as a pillow. He was always so happy when visitors came over, because they were obviously there to see him. (DUH! Why else would people be over?!?) He was an attention hog and jealous as all get out. He was always in everyone's business and ready to give you every toy or half chewed up bone that he had upon your arrival.

KISSES ALL OF THE TIME!! The kisses that once annoyed me I will miss the most. He was so loving and loved to give kisses, to the point where I had to correct him when he went to town on certain people (others could fend for themselves! that, or it was just funny to watch...). Look at me. Look at me. I will give you kisses anywhere until you acknowledge me; arm pits, jeans...just pet me you fool.

Leo kissing my niece, Hadley. Hadley saying "NO MORE!"

Leo was so full of energy. I actually had to warn people about his high energy. He wouldn't think twice about corning someone and demanding to be pet. He really was quite hospitable (on his conditions) OH! Let's not forget that ALL food was up for grabs, along with tobacco of any kind, it didn't necessarily have to be legal, alcohol, Chapstick, lipstick, prescription medication, or really anything that might be in your purse or jacket draped over a chair, but it wasn't his fault that we didn't know his rules. Learning his rules had led to many ridiculous, memorable and some embarrassing stories. I am so thankful for all of them. We enjoyed this craziness and by craziness, I mean CRAZINESS!!! up until last year when it came to a screeching halt. Leo had slowed down immensely.

One of Bryan's friends who was over recently said, he went really hard for 13 years and now he's just so tired; another nicknamed him "The Lone Majestic Wolf". They all loved him as much as we did.

Unfortunately, this weekend I had to make a decision that no one ever wants to make. I had to decide that it would be more humane to euthanize our family pet then see him suffer everyday. UGH!!! The day had come and I had to put my big girl pants and put what was best for this precious animal who I loved like family, first. Breaking the news to Bryan was heart-wrenching.

Leo was a part of us and it is going to be hard, but I know he had a good life. He stole our hearts and became the perfect fit for our tiny family and has been through so much with us. Bryan and I didn't have an easy start, but once I committed to Leo, I was all in. We may not have been rich, but that's the thing with dogs or any pet, they don't care about any of that, rich or poor, fat or thin, it is all irrelevant; what they want is completely free.

Leo, you will be missed more than I ever thought possible. You are forever in our hearts. R.I.P. my friend.

Leo Boyer, (January 3, 2000 - February 12, 2014)

“Such short little lives our pets have to spend with us, and they spend most of it waiting for us to come home each day.

It is amazing how much love and laughter they bring into our lives and even how much closer we become with each other because of them.”

― John Grogan, Marley and Me: Life and Love With the World's Worst Dog

Twenty Years.

2014-02-08T22:26:00.000-05:00

Confession: I originally wrote this 2 weeks ago, I haven't pressed publish until today because I was scared. I was scared that it was too personal, what would people think? Then I was reminded today, at my part-time job, of today's date, February 8th. It's a day that I will never ever forget. It's a day that changed my life forever and since when do I give an eff what people think?

As I was sitting in the waiting room of my gynecologist's office this morning I realized that it has been 20 years that I have been going there. This February will be 20 years since I found out that I was pregnant; 20 years, but I remember just like it was yesterday.

The winter of 1993-1994 was endless. I was working at Little Caesar's Pizza inside of the Warminster K-mart, I rang the new year in with my new-ish boyfriend, Dan, at a New Years party (Dan wasn't much of a partier at the time. Me? I was always a partier), it was going to be a fantastic new year, I had just started a new semester at Bucks County Community College; everything was perfect and normal for this 18 year old.

It was so cold, ice storms, snow storms and blizzards made the weather just miserable . I remember being able to go sledding down the William Tennet High School's hill what seemed like every other day. I was still a kid, doing kid things and loving every minute of it.

[This is where it gets personal...continue on, but don't say that you weren't warned!]

Then, I had mentioned to Dan that I hadn't gotten my period in a while, but I wasn't "regular" so I had not been freaking out. (COMPLETE DENIAL.) He was freaking out though! We went to a random pharmacy in the area that week and picked up a test. It wasn't long before we found out the results. I was sobbing, and unfortunately they weren't the "happy tears" many of my friends experience today; so many thoughts were going through my head, but I was grasping at straws and still not convinced. Maybe the UTI that I had had faltered the test, (COMPLETE DENIAL.) so I made an appointment with my primary physician where they took blood work.

I received a phone call from the doctor within the next couple of days, which I was lucky to intercept. Keep in mind that I lived with my parents and siblings, there weren't cell phones, so it was imperative that I be the one to answer this call. The nurse simply stated that the pregnancy test came back positive and that I should make an appointment with an obstetrician, then she said something about my "bun in the oven" and I didn't hear a word after that. F&@K!! All of a sudden I was a adult, making adult decisions.

I had to figure out how to tell everyone and by "everyone", I mean my parents. I am still here to talk about it, so obviously I survived, but it was THE MOST TERRIFYING experience of my life. They wanted answers that I couldn't provide. How are you going to do this? How is/that going to happen? Is he going to stay with you? Screaming ensued. I was a scared little girl, who was already 8 weeks pregnant with her new-ish boyfriend's child. I was 18 years old and Dan was 17 years old. It was the rest of our lives we were planning, there were way more questions then answers and I barely had any answers.

My parents calmed down and when Bryan was born they loved him more than words could express. It turns out that my new-ish boyfriend stuck around and became a great father; as a teenage mom I had no idea what I was doing, I felt like "mom's" should know more than I did and thought how was I going to teach a kid when I was still learning?

I found out that if you ask for help people will help you. God has placed some very significant people in my life and on my path. I am so grateful for EVERYTHING, no matter how great or small. Everything matters when you're in need. God saw that I needed great friends and delivered. It really does take a village.

This September Bryan will be 20 years old and I have been blessed enough to raise this outspoken, opinionated, honest, and one of the most loyal guys that I have ever met. He is ridiculously confident and funny, and he's easy to talk to. He's had his share of shenanigans, but he wouldn't be our child if he didn't.

20 years ago, I had a decision to make, I thank God everyday that I made the right one.

2013, SEE YA!!

2013-12-31T18:28:00.000-05:00

2013 WAS A RUTHLESS BITCH; from the beginning to the end. Some years are like that, life lessons, growing stronger...yes, I get it. Well, I am over it! Turning lemons in to lemonade, I know every positive thought there is, trust me.

Maybe it is odd numbered years that I struggle with? I am a bit OCD.

I am looking forward to 2014. Realistically, I know just because you hang up a brand new calendar it doesn't necessarily mean things will change. I will make them change. I will take the shit that was handed to me in 2013 and turn it into sugar. I have a faithful God who is looking over me and is giving me opportunities. He has blessed me so much thus far, I can hardly lose faith now, not when I need it the most.

I have enjoyed some of it, I won't lie. It started off a bit rocky for Bryan and I, if you recall. I love this person more than I could ever imagine, unconditionally; this year taught me that. I don't know if people actually realize this until something threatens their relationship with their child; illness, circumstance, what-have-you. Of course, I have always loved Bryan unconditionally even before he was born, but when there is a real chance that you may lose that relationship "that love" changes into some unexplainable love. It was such a struggle for me to let him grow; it sounds so natural, him leaving home and becoming more independent; it's not. At least not for this Momma Bear. It was losing control, worry and anxiety. Letting him go was the hardest thing that EVER had to do in my life. (I surrendered to therapy and started feeling much better, by the way.) He doesn't agree, but I think he has grown as person. I hope 2014 brings him wisdom and he sees the opportunities life hands him and takes advantage of them.

Also, I have seen so many people that I love having an amazing 2013 and as I said before, seeing my friends and their families flourish makes me happy; their gorgeous children, other halves and friends having geniune fabulous times. I appreciate their happiness, it has become a realization that life is too short to not appreciate the little things. Cherish every detail, every memory and keep posting because I know that my happiness is right around the corner and in-the-mean-time, I'll cherish yours.

So, see ya 2013...Here's to a FABULOUS 2014! Making memories, living life, laughing, loving & cherishing EVERY SINGLE MOMENT.

MOM

2013-12-20T17:22:00.004-05:00

Mother

[muhth-er] - noun

1. Someone who will love you unconditionally, till her last breath.

Today is 2 years since my mom passed away. December 20th is always going to be hard.

I am selfishly missing my mom this year, more than last. I say selfishly because I am a believer in the afterlife. I believe that my mom's spirit gets to hang out with EVERYONE that she cares about on Earth all of the time, and at the same time if she chooses. She is finally reunited with her parents, aunts, uncles and best friend from high school who passed away just a few months before her.

In Heaven's perfection I know that there is no more pain, no more stress and all love. I said selfishly because if we know that there is this place, this plane, this dimension, so close to Earth why wouldn't we want the people who have crossed over to be there? So close to us that sometimes we can literally feel them, but far enough to live in perfection.

I selfishly want to celebrate Christmas one more time with my mom. I want to wrap my arms around her and tell her how much I love her. I want to say bye; then I reflect (as I do - A LOT) that my wants don't matter, God knew what he was doing. He knew that I didn't have to say bye because she is here, she is celebrating and she knows that I love her.

There is this "new normal" way of doing things; without her they seem weird and a little awkward perhaps, we're still getting used to them. It's going to be OK because it's all part of His plan; time and the love of family and friends, heals all wounds.

My Christmas Angel Forever

Life is Too Short to be Stubborn

2013-12-10T21:09:00.000-05:00

Wow, this month is really proving to be a tough one for me, the icing on the cake for 2013.

I have been very open about all of the things that I have been going through this year. It took me a bit, but it was a definite rocky road that I have traveled, and the saga that continued. It is what it is and I made it through another year. Stronger & of course, smarter.

My relationship with my son is good, I have been able to spend more time with Pop, so I am looking at the positive aspects.

BUT...

Next week it will be 2 years since the sudden death of my mom and for some reason this year is even harder than last year.

I have almost forgiven myself for the status of our relationship when she passed away. It was a ridiculous reason for why we weren't speaking; I am stubborn and was trying to prove a point.

Point is, life is to short to be stubborn.

I have been working on forgiving myself and just a couple of days ago I saw a Facebook status from Pope Francis and immediately knew that it was time to put my guilt behind me:

"You can't spend your life in the graveyard of guilt dealing with the corpses of the past. Know when things are dead, know when to release them and bury them. If you continue to work with the dry bones of dead issues, you too will begin to decay. No amount of work will resuscitate a corpse. Sign the death certificate"

It is happenstance that this quote is actually about death and the subject which with I have been dealing, but the words rings so true in so many circumstances and relationships. I believe that this is a sign that I need to move on and remember the woman she was, the relationship and closeness we had all throughout our lives, not just the last few months. She is not coming back, she knows how I feel and I hope she knows how much it has eaten at me and my remorse for wasting those last precious months.

Moving on has brought tons of tears everyday so far this month. My mom brought so much to Christmas; she had so much joy in every aspect: decorating the house, the tree, shopping for gifts and the satisfaction that she received knowing that she got just the right gift for just the right person. She loved every Christmas special and every carol that was sung.

She is missed. She is loved & finally I am letting myself mourn her instead of dealing with the guilt that I have been holding on to.

Love Thy Neighbor

2013-12-07T01:07:00.004-05:00

"Treat Others the Way YOU Want to be Treated"

I was in high school when Nelson Mandela was released from prison. Apartheid. Segregation; these are words from another era. An era that we hear our grandparents and parents speak of. It's not supposed to be something that I remember seeing on the news, but it is. Mandela, being such a peaceful man, held no animosity for those who imprisoned him, only love.

He is quoted as saying that “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

People must learn to hate? That is sickening, but as we all know there are still people who are teaching this by their actions. I am so thankful that I didn't grow up with that hatred and I am proud to say that my son does not have that hatred. In fact, I made sure that he grew up in a house where accepting people was the only option. Everyone was welcome in my home, unless there was an extenuating circumstance (e.g. being a brat) proving otherwise. Another public issue that Mandela wasn't afraid to address was AIDS, he was personally affected by the epidemic when his son passed away from the disease, this was a man who knew that he wasn't above the issues, but made sure that education and awareness were abundant to those willing to listen and learn.

I also just had a similar conversation with my brother after seeing Dallas Buyers Club over Thanksgiving weekend. WOW, what a movie. Outstanding performances!! Everyone should go out and see this movie.

After the movie my brother, who is 8 years older than I, were discussing AIDS in the 1980's. He obviously remembers way more about the emerging of this disease into society then I do. The first time I remember hearing/seeing the word AIDS was when I was standing in line at the ACME supermarket and on a People Magazine was a headline about Rock Hudson dying. I asked my mom, who I was with at the time, who Rock Hudson was and what was AIDS? A normal question for a 10 year old. I don't remember what my mom's explanation was. I am honestly not sure if she or anyone who wasn't in "medicine" knew for sure what it was. I do know that it was essentially considered a death sentence in the 80's; then in 1991 Magic Johnson announced that he was HIV positive. He has lived for two decades with the disease and is an advocate through The Magic Johnson Foundation, educating people each and everyday, because although HIV can be controlled with medication and a healthy lifestyle, it is important to enlighten people about how important prevention and early detection can be.

In Dallas Buyers Club, one gets a taste of what it was like for gays in the 1980's. I cannot believe there was a time when people shunned homosexuals with such hatred simply because of who they decided to love or people in general because they didn't have the same skin color.

I, myself, have so many different types of friends that I can't fathom anyone treating them with anything but respect. I know not everyone shares that view, my eyes are not covered with rose-colored glasses, but I am so glad that I live in a time where it is becoming more acceptable to be who you are and love who you want.

Feeling Like a Rockstar

2013-12-02T21:12:00.000-05:00

Sarah, In the time that I have known you, you have been one of the brightest people I've had the pleasure of meeting. Your can-do attitude, bubbly personality, and ability to care of others even when you need taking care of yourself is what sets you apart in this world. Although I've known you for only a year or so, I idolize you. You have taken care of your son alone, and he has grown up to be an amazing young man. You started the Bee's Knees, which has raised thousands of dollars to help people with Myeloma. You have kept a positive attitude whenever working late nights at D-- or all day on the weekends, which is hard to do when you're bouncing from one job to the next. Although you may not see it, these, and many more, are the things that will allow you to succeed. I know four years is a big commitment, but there will always be people here supporting you, and we can get through this together! I know you said people have been saying "when one door closes, god opens a window," but I think a better saying would be "when God closes one door, He opens a gate." Windows are small and hard to get through (and no one really wants to go through them), but gates open wide, and after you get through college, I know your gate will be fully open, allowing you to take on opportunities you never imagined possible. I am so proud of you, and I truly believe that people who persist, have a passion, and stay humble and compassionate are the ones who get the farthest in life. I have no doubt in my mind that you will succeed in college and beyond!

I received this email in response to a blog that I wrote regarding my decision to go back to school after 17 years. It was written by one the young ladies that I work with at my part-time job.

I keep going back to this message not only because I miss the heck out of all of my kids who are away right now, but because I cannot believe that she is writing about me. The first time I read it my eyes filled, I could hardly get through the message because I was so choked up.

This young woman goes to school in up-state NY, she is brilliant, and has such a bright future ahead of her and lets not forget she's completely adorable!! How could someone who I admire so much for being young in this effed-up world that we live in idolize me?!?

I can admit this is the biggest compliment a person can receive. It must be what rock stars feels when the audience is singing back to them or wants their autograph or a quick picture with them. Yes, that is how amazing I felt, no exaggeration. If we live our lives inspiring just one person in it, haven't we done our jobs? Inspiring a girl, a teenage girl is an extraordinary feat. Remember back to when you were a teenager?

I know that I brag all the time about my friends and how awesome and supportive they are (because it's true!); to know that I have the support of people who are currently in college and learning who they are themselves makes me want this even more. I am inspiring people who inspire me!! It's like a warm hug.

I haven't taken my role in these young men and women's lives lightly; each have a significant place in my heart. Remember when you first read that quote which states that people are placed into your life for a reason, a season or a life-time? I thoroughly believe that this is true. I only get to work with these young people for a short time because well, my part-time job is a temporary stop on their life's journey, but the wealth, knowledge and support that I attain from them makes my job fulfilling.

“Life is a bowl of cherries. Some cherries are rotten while others are good; its your job to throw out the rotten ones and forget about them while you enjoy eating the ones that are good! There are two kinds of people: those who choose to throw out the good cherries and wallow in all the rotten ones, and those who choose to throw out all the rotten ones and savor all the good ones.”
― C. JoyBell C.

Reflect and Be Thankful

2013-11-28T12:41:00.000-05:00

It's Thanksgiving!! All over the United States Americans are reflecting on the things that they are most thankful for. It isn't a secret that 2013 has been a struggle for me and that I have absolutely had some up and down, but as I reflect this year I am thankful for so many things.

First of all I am thankful for my relationship with my son. I am so blessed to have him in my life; being a young mom hasn't always been easy, but Bryan's existence has made me a better person. It has weeded out people who shouldn't be in my life and he has brought people into my life who I can't imagine living without. Bryan is teaching me all the time. I hope that we never stop learning from each other and only become closer and he grows into and embraces his fabulousness even more (if that's possible!) and becomes the young man God created him to be.

Then, there is my Pop. My darling father. Jim Burns is my inspiration and an all around remarkable human being. If you are ever blessed enough to meet him, then you are one lucky person. My father is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for 17 years. He has been battling cancer for close to 5 years; he is literally in pain everyday, but I never hear him complain. He lost his wife, my mother, close to 2 years ago. He is still fighting each and everyday and had such faith that everything is just as they were meant to be. I am thankful for my conversations with him; he is so insightful. We don't always agree, but always hear each other. He loves sports, westerns and loves to make people laugh. He is truly on of my best friends.

I am thankful for our 14 year old dog, Leo AKA Leonard DiCaprio (da Vinci if you ask Bryan) Puppychow Heek Boyer. He has been through thick and thin with Bryan and I and still loves us. Leo is sweet and annoying and as handsome as can be, recently he has been having some health issues, but it makes me appreciate him even more and what an important part of the family he has been.

I don't know how to put into words how thankful I am for ALL of my AMAZING friends. I know that everyone thinks that they have the greatest friends and that is a blessing if you can express that, but I am here to say that I am blessed each and everyday with the privileged of knowing the kindest people ever. The Lord has been so gracious to have placed these people in my life; some for decades, some more recently, their loyalty is unwavering. I am forever grateful for them.

I am thankful for those men and woman who voluntarily join the Armed Forces; also for their families who also have to sacrifice so much for them to be the brave people they were destine to be. Thank you. There aren't enough thank yous for your decision to protect us.

As I sit here typing this blog I am thankful for my tiny apartment, "The Attic". I am thankful for the heat that is pumping through the radiators. I pray for those who are homeless and aren't able to find shelter.

Losing my job just a few weeks ago has opened my eyes to what could disappear SO easily and what many Americans have lost. Everything that I am looking at in my home right now is because I have been blessed, but when you are knocked down a few pegs these things are just things when you don't have the love, support and positivity of the people who you surround yourself with.

I hope everyone takes the time to reflect on all of the things in their lives, everything that has lead up to this moment and has made you who you are. If you are blessed enough to spend time with your family on holidays and special occasions, pray for those who spend these same days alone.

Mindfulness

2013-11-11T20:37:00.000-05:00

“The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it.” ~ Thích Nhất Hạnh

Recently, I picked up a Women's Health magazine in which I found a fascinating article linking mind and body. We all, of course, know that our minds and bodies are heavily linked; how one treats ones body affects ones mind and vice-versa, obviously not news to us.

This article jumped out at me because I found it so on target with things that have been going currently in my mind and being. The author wrote about "mindfulness". According to the article, "Mindfulness is a full awareness of precisely what is happening in the present."

Many of us find ourselves in a burned-out, stressed and anxious state, always worrying about the past or what is going to happen if; to be still and and to clear the chatter going on in ones head. Sounds much easier then it is, at least for me. Mindfulness means NO OVER-ANALYZING and NO OVER-THINKING; letting what will be, be and letting your thoughts flow fluidly with out picking them apart.

How much time have we all wasted only to be let down when one's plans don't come into fruition? We cannot constantly be worrying about what the future will hold and feeling let down when "it" doesn't happen the way we planned "it"; if we live in the present chances are we will not miss our kids growing up and all the wonderful things that are happening around us right now.

I was recently laid off. I am scared, but I have to look at the possibilities of what I can do with this crappy hand that I was recently dealt. I am determined to get myself back to school and graduate with Bachelors degree; before I read this article I was thinking of putting this huge step off until I found a job. In my head, I needed the financial stability to get started, but after speaking with many recruiters and after reading this article I was reminded that there is not a whole lot that we can control about our futures. I may be out of work for some time and thus putting off my dreams even longer. I can't let this opportunity slip through my fingers worrying about the bill after I graduate when I haven't even taken a class yet.

Can I be mindful enough take that leap-of-faith and live in the present? Things will work out if and only if I apply myself now. I know that I am setting myself up for a much brighter future whatever it brings.

When God Closes a Door, He Opens a Window

2013-11-05T21:34:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe that I have only written 9 blogs this year. Pathetic. I have had so much to say.

A few months ago I had been dealing with my anxiety, my very horrible anxiety that lasted throughout the whole entire summer. Alas, I surrendered and got the help that I needed to get myself in check and start to feel like myself again.

Now as most of you know for the last two plus years I have had 2 jobs. I like to keep myself busy and more importantly out of my head. At the end of this past September, things changed suddenly at my full-time job. I came back from lunch and I found out that one of our biggest clients was closing its doors; over the next few weeks there were meetings upon meetings and lots of ideas being tossed in the air to try to keep the doors of the office, which seemed like home to me, open. Unfortunately, my bosses had to make some very difficult decisions. They had no choice but to lay myself and most of my co-workers off.

This has been especially hard because this is a job that I liked a lot. I left for a couple of years, but was offered my job back, so without hesitation I found my way home. This particular job has had many highs and lows. I have met so many amazing people who have been an incredible help to Bryan and I throughout my 11 years knowing them. I have cried when life got hard and they cried with me and laughter GALORE!! We yelled at each other and made up. They embraced me and held my hands, never leaving my side when I got the news that my mother died suddenly. I was meant to be around people who loved me.

There are the people who I was in contact with daily. The other people who filled my days with laughter. My favorites who were now out of work as well. I miss their voices. We worked like a well-oiled machine together. I was glad to have them in my life.

October rolls around and I am job hunting. My full-time job has become finding a full-time job. It is exhausting. I am explaining to people my current situation and they are uber-positive that I will be employed in no time. "When God closes a door, He opens a window" they say. I have been hearing this phrase in a variety of different way for weeks now; all true, but I need to find this window.

I do believe life gives one opportunities and one can either waste them or cultivate them. I can't sit at home and waste my brain on day-time TV, so with this opportunity that God presented me with I think I will be going back to school. A four-year college is in my immediate future and I am scared. It has been 15 years since I took my last class at community college and EVERYTHING has changed. EVERYTHING!!

I am a notorious commitment-phobe in every aspect of my being. It is the scariest thing ever for me, so committing myself to a four-year college is huge, but this is a subject for a different blog.

Don't worry I will still be job searching; I have an interview suit ready for when I am able to land one and I am excited to get back to work. I had to peek out this open window and see what this other path offered...apparently life has other plans for me.

Have you ever wondered?

2013-09-03T23:33:00.000-04:00

Since my anxiety has been so terrible lately, I have stopped taking my group exercise classes that I love so much at my local YMCA. DON'T FRET, I know that exercise is a key to curing my over-whelming anxiety, so I have been focusing more on running, which is like mediation for me and can connect to my breathing in such a way that it calms me.

As most people know, when one exercises at the gym they often listen to music. Everyone is walking around with their MP3 doing their thing. This brings me to my question, have you ever wondered what other gym-goers are listening to? My iPod is quite the eclectic collection; I know, most people say that, but it is the truth. There is so much going on on my iPod I don't really know where to start.

I know that when I am at the gym I like it hard & fast, my music that is. The faster the tempo, the more focus I have; with that in mind, I also like dance music/hip hop. Fast moving music is what I need to get moving. OBVIOUSLY!!

I did a little bit of research on the topic and here are my results:

Quite a few of my friends listen to same kind of music I do (birds of a feather...), whether it be rock, metal or punk; fast beats seem to be popular and they also like their hip hop.
Another popular thing to listen to is Pandora radio. I love that idea! I am going to have to try that route.

I also found out that no one listens to pod casts, & some don't listen to music at all, they prefer the quiet (not sure what gym they go to, but mine is hardly quiet). Some people at my gym even plug their head phones into the TV an just listen to that.

Music therapy has become more popular then ever, it is helping people get through work-outs each and everyday, but it also can be soothing after a break up, or death or bring you to a place you haven't been for years. My iPod may be eclectic, but most of the songs come with a memory or story, so if you see me smiling while I am at the gym, I may be thinking of that time when that happened & this song was on...

Tell me what you love to listen to at the gym or while you work out!!

Anxiety

2013-08-26T22:58:00.000-04:00

I am still struggling through a weird year. I know that it could be so much worse, but what I am feeling is real and I am going to share it with you:

I have been off the radar for a bit recently, especially on places that I usually will "status update" like it is second nature, but a few months ago I had a paralyzing feeling, not physically paralyzing, but mentally and psychologically paralyzing. I have been dealing with ANXIETY.

Sounds simple, right? I know that many of you can relate and I am not the only one walking around with this psychological burden. At times I have felt crazy and unsettled. I have been forgetting things, normal things like working the ice machine when getting fountain soda at a restaurant or not knowing where I am on my way home from the gym that I go to at least once a week. Some of these instances have been super scary and overwhelming, but mostly I wake up anxious and go all day feeling like I am having a never ending panic attack, which in itself is exhausting. If I am having a stressful day (cause we all have stressful days) to a normal person, I am feeling like I am going crazy. I often think that someone is going to see right through me trying to be "normal" and commit me to the looney bin immediately.

I am having a hard time liking the person I am lately because this anxiety has given me a short fuse; making even the littlest things that people do annoying. Sounds weird, but I don't like being around people. Yes, ME! On a good day I love people, I love being in the midst of everything and everybody. I love making people laugh and hanging out. Not lately. I make excuses not to; I have turned in a shitty friend.

In the beginning of the summer I went to my primary care physician, I didn't want to increase the medication that I am already on (come one, most of you are too), because I've done that before and I can't walk around in a fog, that is only masking things and I need to be myself, so when the doctor admitted that there wasn't anything more that he could do for me he suggested that I make an appointment for a psychiatrist. I had a lot of research to do, reviews to read and questions to ask. When I called my top picks a make an appointment they said that they weren't taking new patients. THAT WASN'T MAKING ME ANXIOUS AT ALL. Finally, I found someone who would see me, but I had to see a therapist first to be evaluated before I could make an appointment for a psychiatrist; this was turning into a project, imagine if I had a mental issue on a grander scale, this system was seemingly f*cked-uped, but I made the appointment. The therapist was Ken, he was nice at first, but ended up being a dick. It turns out that Ken was very presumptuous and condescending (but that's a whole other blog).

My appointment for my psychiatrist is this week and I feel like a kid waiting for Santa. I have been waiting almost 3 months to "get fixed", to start to feel like myself, impromptu singing in my office and having 30 second dance parties at random. Do I know where this stemmed from or what caused it? Not really, not yet. My serotonin levels are off and it may just be a matter of my meds being changed up, but only time will tell that.

I already have another appointment with a therapist, don't worry, it's not Ken. I feel like this whole summer has pasted by and I have been an anxious mess, but I am determined to use this as a learning experience and hopefully whoever reads this will understand why I have been M.I.A.

I hope that others who are experiencing the same thing won't feel alone. Everyone needs help, no one can live this life alone. Just ask for it.

Alluring? Not so much.

2013-08-26T21:33:00.000-04:00

I have to get something off of my chest, maybe someone can help me with this.

I am all over social media. Yea, that's right, I admit it and I have no intention of giving it up anytime soon. However, there are a few things that I will never understand. One of these things is girls sticking their tongues out in pictures.

I know a lot of young ladies; these girls are both smart and beautiful and almost all of them have pictures posted on their social media sites with their tongues out. I am not trying to judge, I am just wondering when this became alluring or popular?!?

When I was younger, sticking your tongue out was something that you'd "tell on" your brother or sister for. It was certainly not meant to be anything positive.

There is one picture and one picture only of me with my tongue out. Bryan was young and we were being silly, goofing around with our cool "new" digital camera.

Clearly not meant to hot, attractive or seductive. So, what happened to make this so commonplace now? Does this mean I am getting old? How can this be an attractive look?

Next maybe someone can explain the "duck face" to me, and NO there will never be a picture of me doing that face, joking around or not.

Facebook. If you don't like it...

2013-06-20T23:29:00.001-04:00

Earlier today while I was perusing through Facebook I noticed a very specific status update. This person was complaining about people checking into their gyms on a daily basis and how annoyed they were by those "friends" who did this. One of the people who commented on this person's status stated that this is not what Facebook is for, she went on to say it was for catching up with "friends"...WOW, how naive.

As the day went on I pondered on this status (the office is clearly much slower then normal. ha.) and what annoys me about Facebook; what I came up with is that what annoys me most about Facebook is when people complain about what other people post.

Seriously, people post what is important to them.

I go to the gym on a semi-regular basis. Do I check in? Yes. I do. (not lately though, I haven't been bringing my phone) Why? I think checking into the gym is a way for people make themselves accountable. I know a lot of people who are very passionate about fitness and leading a healthy lifestyle. If you can't stand when people post about their well being and making the extra effort to get to some place that may be a struggle to get to for them, then hide them in your news feed.

Many, many, many people post pictures of food. I still can't wrap my head around this, but I am not passionate about food. I don't judge my friends who are and do post pictures of food. They often deserve to post pictures because they are super talented in the kitchen. Once again, maybe your "friends" are posting their meals to keep themselves accountable for what they are putting into their bodies. Many people who are watching their weight post pictures for moral support. If you can't get on board with that then hide their new feed.

Most people my age are now posting about their young children. They post A LOT about their young children, like when I say A LOT, I mean A LOT. I love my friends and their kids, so I am not annoyed by this usually, unless they're discussing potty training or ANY THING that is expelled from their children's bodies. I am actually happy by how in love my friends are with their kids and laugh at what they have to expect, cause I've been there. I often ask myself, how did people figure things out about parenting before asking all of your friends on Facebook what to do first? Hey, it's takes a village and I know this from experience, but if you're annoyed by these gorgeous little humans that are our future, then you can always block their news feed.

How to deal with "Negative Nelly" postings on Facebook? Well, first keep in mind that EVERYBODY has bad days, but if a "friend" is consistently posting negative statuses maybe it is a call for help. I am not a negative person, but I am real, I will absolutely write a blog that isn't always peaches & cream, so the same goes for my Facebook statuses. If you don't care enough to reach out to those people who may really be asking for help behind these statuses then hide their news feed and call it a day.

During the past few years from January through April I post a lot about my charity 5k. I know for a fact that people/my "friends" get annoyed with my incessant begging for their money for the cause that is SUPER IMPORTANT to me. I have had people come out & tell me how annoying I can be...sorry if I don't give an f*#k. You can simply hide me on your news feed.

The bottom-line is Facebook is annoying. It's annoying because their are SO MANY different personalities coming through on your feed. Probably hundreds. In one day, Facebook can be political, religious, a comedy show, a networking group, a self-help group, a cookbook, a greeting card, a travel guide, headline news, fundraising efforts & a sounding box. That is part of the fun of it, right? There is something about your "friends" that keeps you coming back. I know how interesting my friends are, I bet yours are just as awesome behind all of those annoying posts.

Surviving motherhood (so far!!)

2013-05-07T23:12:00.001-04:00

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed. ~Linda Wooten

I know that this is weird to say, but this year is the first year that I have finally felt like a mom. Weird, yes I realize, considering I've been called that name for years now.

I have always been very close with my son; having him at such a young age, you can't expect otherwise. When Bryan was young I was the only one of my friends with a child. I had no clue what mothering was supposed to feel like, I didn't discuss feeling or emotion of motherhood on social networks (they hadn't been created yet), I knew I had to do the best for him by using common sense; putting him first and keep him alive seemed logical.

I looked at it as survival I suppose. I worked A LOT and went to college (although it was briefly, I still went). I came home and spent time with Bryan & did it all again the next day. As he got older, I ran around to different events he was involved with, after school activities, etc.; quick dinners and short showers are how we existed.

When Mother's Day rolled around, I never thought that the holiday was about me, after all, like I said, I never thought of what I was doing as mothering, but surviving, adapting to the ever changing, and often fatiguing days. If I got through another day of fighting to do homework or sitting at the table until his plate was clean it was a win. EVERYDAY that we got through without killing each other WAS A WIN. Sounds familiar, huh?!?

It wasn't until this year, his 18th year that I felt like, HOLY SH*T, THIS MOM STUFF IS FOR THE BIRDS. Yes! I said it. Some days this how we (moms) feel. Shitty of me to write it for the world to read, oh well. If you haven't felt that way you're a better person than I.

This year I lived it. He was causing sleepless nights, not like when he was little, these sleepless nights were not due to feeding schedules, bad dreams or cleaning up vomit (one might call that mothering), but my sleepless nights were now spent thinking: is he going to get in to school? If he does, where is the money going to come from? Then it flipped to...he has to find a job? When the HELL is he going to find a job? Get off your ass and find a job, please, for the love of God?!? OK...if I ask him to move out, where would he go? Is he going to hate me? Will it sever out relationship?

All those sleepless nights made for VERY TERRIBLE days. My whole demeanor had changed. I needed to be a MOTHER and this is the hardest mothering months I had to face in 18 years. Mainly because most of these things that kept me up at night were out of my hands. I could only do so much and leave the rest to God.

I sleep now. I see my son on a pretty regular basis, my heart is not heavy and my thoughts are more clear, more positive. This person whom the sun rises and sets on for me; this kid who I love to the moon and back is now surviving by himself (for the most part).

Could motherhood be seeing your better self making decisions, good or bad, surviving in today's world? I guess we should add that to the VERY LONG definition of the word treasured by so many.

107 and counting...

2013-04-28T19:25:00.000-04:00

“Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.” ~ Marilyn Monroe

One of the girls at my second job is collecting shoes for Soles 4 Souls; this is an amazing organization who collect worn shoes and give them to people in dire need of footwear. People who are literally wearing soda bottles on their feet, so their feet don't get infected from the sores already there.

One of of the co-workers from my full-time job did this as her senior project at Temple University a couple of years ago. This is the first time that I heard of.this organization, so when I knew I could help again I was more then willing, plus it's about the time of year when I pull out my spring/summer footwear anyway.

Yes, I said pull it out, meaning I have to store them away. This year I realized that I may have a problem, a problem my mom pointed out decades ago, but I have NEVER admitted to. I am addicted to footwear. There I said it. I am an addict and my drug of choice is so attainable.

SHOES. They are so justifiable. When you gain weight your shoe size doesn't change, when you lose weight, there are your shoes, still the same size.

Special occasions and new dresses all need that new finishing touch!!

While going though my plethora of footwear, and while I was trying to donate I decided to count my shoes. It couldn't be that bad. My mom, she must've been exaggerating, but she wasn't. I know that she was probably looking down at me counting right along with me. 1, 2....20, 21...50, 51...89, 90...94 pairs of shoes. Oh, and this wasn't including the 13 pair that I am donating to Souls for Souls.

I suppose there could be worse things to be addicted to then accessories. You don't want to even get me started on handbags...

So what? I'm crazy.

2013-03-31T14:45:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I am crazy for posting less-then-positive things in my blog, so what?!? Not today...

As I scroll through today's Facebook posts I am reminded how truly blessed I am to have very happy friend. I agree, most people only post happy things on social media. Today, I am thankful that I have so many people who know that they are blessed and share that with the world.

My son is grown, so I very much miss the Easter egg dying and family traditions that hold true when children fill a household. I, on the other-hand, and completely reveling in my friends happiness.
Of course, they all go through their struggles. Some huge, some small, all making them stronger people as they handle each individual struggle with grace and their heads held high and still basking in the happiness that is their family and friends.

I swear my friends have the most precious kids with the most angelic faces. They publicly cherish EVERY moment spent with them by posting pictures and stories. How could anyone reading and browsing not appreciate the love that they are displaying?

Please heed my advise; soak in EVERY second. Keep posting and enjoying the good and bad. The ups and downs. They are lessons being learned by you & your children alike.

My loved ones are happy and even I am truly blessed to be surrounded by the contagious happiness that they are exuding. Some of my closest friends are dating the loves of their lives, some buying new cars, others are being blessed with new babies or engagements, other are showering in the contentment that they already share with their families...either way, like I said I believe 2013 is going to be glorious year. I can see this through them, my friends and family who mean so very much to me. Keep proving me right, I love every second of this!

I Lost Her a Long Time Ago.

2013-03-24T22:12:00.000-04:00

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” - Norman Cousins

I am little anxious tonight.

This past week my aunt passed. She was 61.

My aunt was 15 years younger then my uncle (my mom's brother). I remember being in their wedding when I was 4 years; they got married in Illinois and I was their flower girl. I thought she was super awesome, after all she had an original Led Zeppelin II album (still my favorite album EVER!). When we visited, I loved talking to her. I'd ask her a million questions and wouldn't leave her side, she was easy going and obviously one of my favorite relatives (not that I ever had that many to choose from).

She wasn't able to have children, so she and my uncle adopted my cousin when she was about 6 years old. My cousin completed their family, they/we were so happy to have her in their lives.

It all changed the day that we shared the news with them that I was pregnant with Bryan. Her reaction was selfish; that quickly I was not someone they wanted to have in their lives anymore. She said I was a bad influence on their now teenage daughter, but what it boiled down to was jealousy. I had no control over the situation; I have forgiven her a long time ago. She continued to choose to no long be a part of my life. My family, of course, stood right beside me, but my mom lost her brother that day. No one has had much contact except for when my grandmother passed for a split second, then things went back to silence.

"Forgiveness is the final form of love." ~Reinhold Niebuhr

Tomorrow we are burying my aunt. I will make the trip to bid my farewell. I will do this out of respect for my cousin who has to say goodbye to her mother, which I know is one of the hardest things anyone has to go through. I will be there for her just as she was for me.

I was blessed to have had the times I did when I was younger with my aunt, but I am MORE blessed that I now have a relationship with my cousin that I missed out on for so many years.

Certainly...A Rocky Start

2013-03-19T23:24:00.000-04:00

I cannot believe that it is the middle of March and that this is my first post of the new year, but I am excited to get back in the saddle.
How did my year start off? Why the rocky start? Well, how do I put this? I hate negativity. Recently, a friend said to me that "only crazy people put negative personal stuff on the internet", I am about to show you how crazy I can be, I am writing about life and let's face it, it's not all peaches and cream. Please be prepared for an honest and real post.

I found out that being a mom of a teenage boy (or teenagers in general, I suspect) is A LOT. A LOT of rejection, A LOT of anxiety, A LOT of fear, A LOT of frustration & the list goes on and on. All of a sudden EVERYTHING changes.

As most of you know, Bryan started his college career this past September, while he was there he proved Bloomsburg's reputation of being a party school to be completely accurate and during his stay had a couple of bumps with the law; because of this, he lost financial aid for the following semester and he had to make the decision to withdraw and end his time at Bloomsburg University.

I was besides myself. I now loved my privacy, enjoyed my freedom and here comes my only son, my pride & joy, putting an end to everything that I had learned to relish. However, this was not my only concern. I wasn't receiving child support anymore, Bryan had turned 18 and payments ended a month before his birthday in September. I couldn't afford for Bryan to live with me without a job and a way to contribute.

I had made a list of rules that Bryan would have to abide by if he was going to live with me. I would have loved if he would've gone to community college, but he decided to put college on pause. I was heart-broken. I also required Bryan to get a job, not a surprise, obviously he wasn't a student, this had to be a no-brainer. I gave him a month to find a job or he'd have to move out.

The hardest thing I had to do was ask him to leave. He had gotten in more trouble and as much as I love him, I couldn't support this or the way he was choosing to live. I miss him, its been 2 months, but I tell him all time that I love him. When he drops by to visit it lifts my heart to levels I didn't know existed because he is visiting by choice, not because he lives here.

That was a rocky start to 2013...but everything was out of my control, so I "gave it to God" and I refused to let what was going on with my son get me down. I still believe 2013 is new, with lots of fun, blessed & probably more trying times ahead. (but we'll give them to God too.)

I have started planning The Miles for Myeloma 5k walk/run , you remember my team, The Bee's Knees? It's that time of year again and fundraising is my middle name. My goal of $4000 is staying the same even though I don't have Bryan's funding raising graduation project to bring in the big bucks, so I applied for a grant through my 2nd job and found out last week that we, The Bee's Knees have been awarded $2500. I feel continuously blessed working with the Philadelphia Multiple Myeloma Networking Group and The Miles for Myeloma 5k. We are helping so many patients and families find hope.

In my very last post of 2012, I wrote about my unwanted guest, the mouse in my house. This past weekend, I finally was able to say good riddance to him. Here's hoping his friends & family are sealed off and their long stay is over.

So, as you can see, things are already starting to look up and become brighter.

There but for the grace of God, I go.

The Uninvited Stranger

2012-11-24T00:50:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago an uninvited stranger moved into my home. Leo, my dog, & I saw him at the same time. It caught us both off-guard.

This stranger that I speak of is of the furry variety, a field mouse has takes residence in "the attic" (that's what I call my home), as I said this mouse is of course, unwanted, at least by me. Leo, however, has made friends with the vermin. At first I went out and bought a trap that gets loaded with bait and it is supposed to trap the critter; seemed perfect. I set it that night, the trap was empty in the morning, when I returned from work the trap was gone. What the heck happened? I searched all over only to find it in our bathroom?!? The dog moved the trap; that's right, the dog moved the trap in hopes to save his new furry best friend.

It is now two against one & totally unfair, so I bought more traps. The last thing that I want to do is see a gross mouse smushed to it death, but I can't handle a live mouth on a glue trap either. Crap!!

Why is this happening to me?? I picked up a fancy glue trap devise that said it traps the mouse on the glue and I wouldn't be able to see it once trapped. This was just up my ally. Only, the mouse ignored the traps.

I have finally moved on to the good ol' fashioned "snap" mouse trap. I set it up with peanut butter, careful to keep it out of the way from Leo (if he tried moving these traps it would certainly be bad, painful business for him). Again...FAIL. What does a girl have to do to evict a rodent? NUTELLA.

How could I have forgotten that along with everyone one who lives in this house, he must think he is fancy? I switched up the peanut butter with Nutella and went to bed. It was as I was reading when I heard the snap. This is the moment that I had been waiting for & dreaded at the same time. I stalled getting out of bed to see what exactly had happened. I got a broom and bravely went to the trap, flipped it over and NOTHING! NOTHING. That little bastard had escaped my efforts once again.

I am not a murderer but I do want this rodent dead. I won't get a cat, trust me everyone has suggested it. (I am terribly allergic!) This mouse has worn out his welcome.

So the saga continues...One thing I do know is that unwanted visitors seem to love it at The Attic.

He hasn't forgotten about me.

2012-11-19T22:38:00.000-05:00

When my son left for college in August I honestly didn't know how I would be able to live without seeing my only child, the love of my life, everyday. It was one of the hardest days of my life dropping him off at Bloomsburg University. I got through it, not without a bunch of tears, but I was able to get through it.

The tears? I guess most mother's cry when their kids leave home for the first time. I am not generally a crier, but it felt like someone ripped my heart out that day. Not only because I knew I'd miss him, but because I felt like he would forget me. Sounds crazy, I know. Sounds irrational, I get it; but I also know my son. Has my prediction come true? I have spoken to Bryan on the phone I think three times total since he has left, he texts me when he needs something, mostly funds or to tell me that he is coming home for the weekend. The first weekend he came home I saw him for 20 minutes total, his bed wasn't even slept in. (Boy, did I voice my opinion about that!!) The next & only other time that he came home I actually had a meal with him. Progress!

He hasn't forgotten about me. I have come to realize this. What HAS happened is that I have raised an independent young man; from the time he was 2 weeks old I have had to leave him to go to work or class. He has learned from a very young age that I would always come for him & that he was never abandoned. The first day of kindergarten he barely waved good-bye when he was getting on the bus. He'd spend weekends with his father and I knew he was safe; now, I can only pray that the values, the ground work that I laid was enough.

Why would I think college would be any different? This time he was leaving me.

How have I fared? Actually, I am doing really well. Working two jobs and going to the gym whenever I can certainly has helped to keep me busy.

My house is clean. Bryan comes as a package deal. His friends are always with him, bare minimum 5 guys on a quiet night. Now, as one knows young men are freaking gross (no offense guys)!! My toilet paper cost alone has been cut in half. My shower head is always adjusted to the right setting and I know when we run out of something because I was the last one to use it.

I miss my baby boy more than anyone can imagine. I am glad he will be coming home in just a couple of days for Thanksgiving break, but now I know that when he goes back I will be just fine,
he will be just fine and we will be together again at Christmas break.

Veteran's Day

2012-11-12T23:36:00.002-05:00

I work with some amazing young women at my second job. Today I am writing about one in particular.

Today is Veteran's Day, a day to uplift & honor ALL of those men & women who have served or are still serving. Without all of these people who voluntarily give their lives to our country, our sons, brothers, fathers, friends would be called to war & deployment. These fearless people put their lives on the line for American's everyday.

There is a 18 year girl that I work with who honors and thanks the armed forces for their bravery every single opportunity that she has. She asked my opinion the first time she approached a soldier; "do you think I should thank him?", before I could say "yes", she was right there. She has since made this a habit, a habit all of us civilians should practice.

It is so nice when you can learn from the young, and I am so blessed to know outstanding people like this one. It's refreshing to know that these kids are our future. Some are truly inspiring.

God bless our Veterans everyday.