Maladaptive Midwest

I am married to a passive aggressive cat

2013-08-13T04:28:00.000-07:00

The post title requires a little explanation, but you won't get any of that until later. Because I believe in narrative suspense and shit.

It's the little things that drive people to horrific acts of murder.

For instance, waking up and finding a bowl full of partially eaten home-made curry in the sink.

It was sitting there in my kitchen sink, all the sweet potatoes and spinach pushed to the side on a lovely bed of brown rice like a mute accusation: you tried to make me eat vegetables.

Clearly, I am going to have to have the, "Dude, vegetables won't make you grow a vagina" conversation. Again.

I am also going to have to be very drunk. Mostly because tequila makes me hit like a girl, and I don't want to end up accidentally busting his pretty face for leaving the curry that I made FROM SCRATCH in my whoring KITCHEN SINK. Seriously, there is a trash bin literally ten feet away. If you're going to spurn my cooking, at least have the decency to hide it under a McDonald's bag like the rest of the civilized world.

And this is why I believe I am married to a passive aggressive cat--because leaving a half eaten curry where you can find it is totally a cat move. It screams, "Fuck you, I hate this. Now clean it up." It also illustrates why I am now opposed to marriage. Because unless you look something like this....

I don't want to deal with that shit. You are just not cute enough. Also, I need to take new pictures of my cat. He's like twice as big as when this was taken. If I write again soon, you'll know I didn't kill my husband. Best get ready for work.

And now for something entirely different.

2013-08-11T19:53:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting in the bedroom I share with my husband, my cat and a pit bull. There's a glass of box wine sitting next to me, the air smells like dog farts, and I am trying to figure out if drinking wine in bed with no pants on while writing a blog is an alcoholic thing to do or just a fucking brilliant example of multitasking.* Also I am trying to figure out what to say.

Over half a year has passed since last I wrote in this blog beloved and read by millions. It's surprising how time flies when you're alternating between states of near transcendent irritation and anxiety with a good heaping of a work schedule that could fell an ox and a pay scale that, until recently, made McDonald's employees shake their heads in pity and wonderment.

A lot has happened in the past seven months. Most of it fits into that whole crippling anxiety/irritation category of human experience. For instance, I was working for a while there as a substitute security guard at a high school, and if that isn't a bucket of fucking chuckles I don't know what is. Also, I spent a few months dropping by the animal shelter in tears to not visit my goddamn cat because apparently that whole being visited in cat jail thing just confuses them. I don't know why I was so upset about an animal that I am fairly sure would have eaten my face in my sleep were the rapture ever to come, but there you have it.

Some of what life dealt me, however, was good. My cat was rehomed, likely because the shelter people were sick of dealing a deranged woman crying in the hall outside of Witzie's room. I got a new job that doesn't make me want to reenact Leaving LasVegas. And I joined a roller derby team. Because nothing works for crippling anxiety quite like careening around on a goose shit slick track at breakneck speeds.

I love it.

So that's all the writing I have in me right now. You can go away. Unless you were reading this blog for the clown porn. In which case, sorry. I just put that in the labels to screw with people googling clown porn. It seemed funny at the moment. I don't actually have anything on clown porn here.**

*Answer: It's a fucking brilliant example of multitasking, of course.

**Please don't send any. I was raised Catholic, y'all. Not that I believe in that shit. But guilt is just like radioactive waste. I'll be dead ten thousand years and still feeling guilty about something I said when I was fourteen.

Episode 2: Peter Carey and the Chemistry of Tears

2013-01-10T06:05:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year: My First Vlog

2013-01-02T15:20:00.000-08:00

Making Changes, Celebrating Accomplishments

2012-12-09T06:47:00.003-08:00

Well, the whole "document my Nano Journey" thing went down in flames, although the important bit, the novel, did not. That is a good thing, to channel Martha Stewart. I managed to finish a major goal without giving in to several illnesses, a truly frustrating job search, the pressures of holidays with family, and a hefty teaching load with a bunch of students who truly want a boot up the bum. Hurrah to me, and if the smaller goal of documentation fell to the wayside, then so what?

I learned a lot both about writing and about myself this November. I learned that I thrive with a clear creative project underway. I learned that the real complexities of research only present themselves during the act of writing. I learn that being honest on the page isn't as easy as it sounds. I learned that I have dwindling patience for sad-sack excuses from young folk who spend their entire day socializing and pissing around in the commons instead of reading and working. Now what to do with all that knowledge....

1) The Novel Itself: I'm letting it lie fallow for about a month, just for mental health purposes. After that, I'm going to tuck into some of the research problems, plotting messes, and messy honesty stuff that made the end half so painful.

2) I am going to keep writing daily: This month the goal is 500 words a day, and save for yesterday's day off for knitting Christmas presents, I've kept to it moderately well.

3)Work: I'm starting to look outside teaching for career options. Objectively, I know I am fairly talented as an instructor, but right now the work balance seems to be falling towards life taking. I need some kind of work that a) pays the damn bills, and b) doesn't leave me depressed at the end of each day.

On several unrelated notes, I am working on transitioning to a Vegan lifestyle. Mainly this is for ethical reasons; even casual research into factory farming reveals a level of barbarity impossible to accept. The transition is going fairly well. I have managed a week without slipping, and I find the food is enjoyable and my overall energy level is just a lot better. Of course, not working myself half to death on a daily basis likely has something to do with that as well.

Also, last night I made my first t-shirt necklace. Rather early this morning. (There is a snorer in the house. Best not to talk about it) The results were satisfactory; though the shirt I chose was old and brittle in the seams and could not be stretched quite as vigorously as one would prefer. The concept of recycling old clothing to make new things really appeals to me. Why should so much stuff end up in a landfill just because its original purpose has been fulfilled? It's just wasteful. I am thinking of keeping these projects up. Maybe selling them. Anyway, here is a picture of my first shot at a t-shirt necklace:

Day 16: Burning Up My Safety Cushion

2012-11-16T16:24:00.000-08:00

Today is a logistical nightmare. In addition to my writing, I DM for a bunch of crazy cool friends of mine. Anyway. This Friday we are kidnapping a friend who is moving out of town and introducing her to the wonders of Dungeons and Dragons. This meant that I could only do the bare minimum of writing. So much for being ahead of the curve....

Day 15: Eye of the Tiger

2012-11-15T19:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was nearly a complete loss with tutoring students, grading, choir, and attending a gallery opening for one of the hubbie's employees and a former co-worker of mine. I managed to get about eight hundred words done, but not much else. Today was better despite my still hefty grading load and low energy level. I managed to cross the mid-point of the novel and add a bit of padding. Huzzah. The plot bunnies are still creeping in from time to time, but I am satisfying them with the promise of attention after November. All right. Ciao for now.

Day 13: Body Count Helps

2012-11-13T18:52:00.002-08:00

Today was the Tuesday Write in at Barnes and Noble, and it was pretty productive. I love the DeKalb Wrimos; they always put a smile on my face. I am still in the mid-novel doldrums, but I killed off one of my stock characters in a disgusting yet spectacular manner. It was fun, and that kind of gave me a second wind, but I have a crap ton of grading to do, and my students seem to be slacking off a lot, so grading is an unusually large energy suck. Any tips from those of you in a similar situation? How do you get back in the flow when doing a lot of tiresome work projects?

Day 12: Crossing the Midway Mountains of Madness

2012-11-12T19:00:00.003-08:00

It's about that time again. Those of you out there who have been keeping up pace with your word count will be somewhere approaching the mid point of your novel. And if you are anything like me, you are about to bash your head in with the nearest laptop. I do not know if there is really a way around the doldrums of mid-month, but I know what is getting me through this week. Wine. Lots of cheap box wine right after I finish my daily grading and writing. Speaking of cheap wine, I am done writing this evening and still lamentably sober. Need to fix that up right now. Good luck folks, and do not let go of the bucking mustang that is Nanowrimo. This bronco bites.

Day 10: On the Mend and On the Ball

2012-11-11T15:12:00.002-08:00

Today's writing adventure began with me stealing a little bit of writing time at church. Yes, I am aware that it is odd for an Atheist to go to church, but, hey. My husband is a choir director and I a first soprano. Our associate pastor, a lovely woman who embodies the best spirit of the Reformed faith, is leaving for Indiana today, so I wanted to be there. But that did not make my writing obligations go away.

I managed to hit 20,000 words at our Sunday write-a-thon, which will allow me to tweak an exam I need to give on Wednesday and attend Pastor Karen's farewell dinner this evening. On the good news front, that chihuahua who followed me home on Friday is back and safe with his peeps. He didn't even have to spend the night in doggy jail. Happy day.

Day 10: I'm still standing

2012-11-10T16:03:00.001-08:00

Well, I have manage to exceed my word count requirement today, despite the fact that I am still sick and oozing phlegm. I did eat way into my word count pad over the past two days, but I am starting to build it up again the only way I know how: sheer bloody mindedness. On Tuesday's write in, I said something to a fellow wrimo, "Writing is a game that rewards the stubborn." At the time, I was just saying that to be witty, but this ongoing November illness has taught me the truth of those words. I have discovered that a good deal of this novel writing business really is cultivating terrier tenacity.

Anyway, I want to get a few hundred more words knocked out tonight. Have a good night, all.

Day 9: Making the Best

2012-11-09T19:42:00.001-08:00

Today really did not work for writing. I am still sick, and my energy levels are sort of spiraling the drain today. So mostly I wrote at the teaching center, and

sunny Wal-Mart. This was while I was waiting for my bus. I had planned to do a bit of writing when I got home, but the Fates were not looking out for me. A little stray Chihuahua came bolting out of the shrubbery and followed me home. I used my energy walking around and trying to find his people (unsuccessfully). Well, he is in animal control's hands now. I will be checking in to make sure he gets into a home. Never fear.

Day 8: Diseased and Asking for Monies

2012-11-08T15:33:00.001-08:00

Day 8: Late last night, I started feeling a wave of achyness crash over me, my sinuses began burning, and my nose began leaking. This will be my second illness this month. My first was a short bout of stomach flu on Saturday night. Somehow, I am still keeping a bit ahead of the curve, but not by much.

Now on to something different. In a moment, I am going to put a fund raising widget up for Nanowrimo, and I would be most grateful if you would donate. This isn't about just a bunch of nerdy adults living out their dreams. Nanowrimo does a huge amount of work in the public schools, and when they have left-over money, they give that away to support literacy and whatnot. It's one of the best non-profits that I know.

Day 7: Too Much Work, Not Enough Writing

2012-11-07T19:38:00.001-08:00

Day 7: DeKalb Public Library

As you might be able to tell from the expression of pure joy on my face, today was not the best writing wise. I managed only two hours of sleep last night, and today's teaching load was particularly heavy. Consequently, I managed to pound out only a little over a thousand words. Ah well, there's always tomorrow. So how do you all manage to push past a serious hump? Any tips?

Day 6: Still Ahead of the Curve

2012-11-06T15:45:00.000-08:00

Well, it's day 6 and for some weird reason, I am still ahead in the word count. Though my plot bunnies are still hopping out from beneath the couch, they are content with being jotted down and kept in day care, so huzzah. I did my writing at our local B&N after having voted, and managed to knock out 1600 words with relatively little pain. So, I am going to get back to work and hopefully get another 1,000 before I go to bed. Good luck to all of you fellow Wrimos and happy writing.

Attack of the Killer Plot Bunnies

2012-11-05T15:19:00.002-08:00

Day 5: Me at the Kishwaukee College Cafe

It's going well so far--this whole novel writing business. I am consistently hitting my word count goals and even exceeding them. None of my characters make me want to punch them in the face, and the plot is developing. But the first real challenge has arisen: Plot Bunnies. Plot bunnies are random ideas for stories that creep out of the wood work unbidden. They are particularly drawn to working writers. For those of you new Wrimos out there who are thinking of dropping your novel for one of those cute, big eyed little shits, I have one bit of advice: don't. Plot bunnies are assholes. They will sucker you in and leave you high, dry, and behind on your word count, until another one comes into view. The problem is that plot bunnies nag for attention like a four year old nagging for candy.

So the question remains, what to do with the plot bunnies? My response is to putter with them a bit in the notebook, to promise them some room in the limelight come December. It works for me, but I am interested in what works for you.

2012-11-04T12:40:00.000-08:00

Day 4 at the official Ream of Writers write in: Barnes and Noble. Doing well. Somewhat ahead of schedule, and that makes me happy. But I feel like I am getting sick. Not good. And Monday I have two sections of Writing with assignments due. Sigh. Grading and writing.

Nano: What Once Was Lost

2012-11-03T10:22:00.003-07:00

Buster "helps" me write

So, this probably goes without saying, but I am an idiot. Last night my husband and I went out to pick up a present for a friend's wedding and some hosiery for yours truly. Anyway, guess who left her manuscript at the store? If you guessed this blond bombshell, you guessed right. Anyway, I was so mad at myself that I refused to go back to get the manuscript and stayed up late making up for lost time. (It doesn't make sense to me either) Fortunately, the good people at Ross's kept my MS safe and sound, and now I am going to be quite a bit ahead of schedule. The moral of the story? Don't bring your MS shopping.

Nano Day 2: The Sugar Rush has Crashed

2012-11-02T16:19:00.001-07:00

Here's me at the beginning of my day, taking a writing break at work and only 200 measly words into my quota.

Here's me at the end of the day: where I need to be regarding my word count, but a good 446 words away from my quota. Oh the pain!

So, out of curiosity, how is the month of writing dangerously going for you all?

Nano: Challange accepted. Goal met. Now where's my sugar?

2012-11-01T13:48:00.000-07:00

Here's me about to celebrate meeting my daily word count with a tasty butter finger. Oh yes, victory, even in small doses, is sweet!

Nano fabulous

2012-11-01T05:46:00.004-07:00

This year I've decided to record my Nano journey in photos, to record the glory and the agony. Every new place, every writing session will get its own photo.

This was me in my office just a few minutes before the pumpkin dropped Nanowrimo kicked off. I managed to knock out 193 words before the siren song of sleep became too strong. Look. I'm still smiling and in my Halloween costume

Susan B. Anthony on so-called believers - Imgur

2012-10-26T05:09:00.001-07:00

I loved this one and just had to share. Happy Friday to all you wage slaves.
Susan B. Anthony on so-called believers - Imgur

Just Because I Love it: Comedy Of Chicago: Tony Hawk interviews Louis C.K.

2012-10-20T09:53:00.001-07:00

I don't usually re-blog other people's stuff. It feels a little lazy, but I am hung over and I really like this blog, Tony Hawk, and Louis CK. So if you haven't found it on your own, go! Go and listen and be amused.

Comedy Of Chicago: Tony Hawk interviews Louis C.K.: Ha! Tony Hawk (Skating Legend) interviews Louis C.K. (Comedy Legend) Why? Who cares it's funny and informative. If your a comic/...

We're Not Young: A Shoutout to the Under and Unemployed

2012-10-12T14:54:00.002-07:00


St. Melinda of the Minimum Wage Meditating on the Pointlessness		of Her	Degree

It's a cold world out there, ladies and gentlemen. As one of the estimated 12.1 million underemployed Americans, I can say that with a fair amount of confidence. 12.1 million is an unseemly number of adults to be scraping by with temp jobs, contract work, and minimum wage, and it seems like altogether too many of we the underemployed are in possession of one if not more college degrees.

A recent article in the Atlantic claims that 53% of recent graduates are either unemployed or underemployed. That is only the tip of the iceberg. A lot of my friends and acquaintances have been out of school for years without ever scoring a real, career-type job. We don't have the experience, or suddenly we're finding a Master's degree is the new minimum when a few years ago a BA and some internships were the real requirement And it ain't just the Liberal Arts weenies (myself among them) who are feeling the pinch. It's the business majors, the computer science geeks, and the OMIS people too. It's getting bad enough that the mainstream press is beginning to ask whether College is worth the investment.

So this begs the question: are things ever going to get better for us? Will all of the degrees and internships and work experience ever result in gainful employment that pays the bills? I hope so, but I am interested in what y'all have to say. I am also interested in hearing some of your stories. But while I'm waiting, enjoy this clip from SketchY Parody. It seems to sum up things rather nicely. And please don't shoot yourself. It would be messy.

Holy Crap, My Cat's a Wino and Other Events of the Day.

2012-10-10T20:04:00.003-07:00

Pets can be...odd at times. Over the years, I've caught his nibs doing some downright peculiar things--licking my dog's butt, using his body as a fur coated bowling ball to knock over beer bottles, systematically opening all of the doors and drawers in the kitchen like some sort of deranged specter from the 6th sense, whatnot--but there used to be a clear limit on what he would meddle with. And that limit was people food and beverages---until tonight, that is. I was reading an interesting article on the rise of secularism in American Protestants over a nice little glass of CardBordeaux, looked up, and found my fluffy little attitude engine face first in the glass of wine and sucking it up like there's no tomorrow. And now he won't leave the hooch alone. So I ask you, gentle readers, what the hell? Why on earth after three years would my kitty just decide to take a shine to the ol' thunderbird? Is he just trying to piss me off, or do I need to find a kitteh AA meeting?

So many questions. Ah well, I have to get some sleep. A full day of grading awaits.