Things from the brain of Lindsey Fontaine...

Spoons...

2014-03-31T05:08:00.001-07:00

One of these spoons is an imposter!

I don't know which spoon to trust. One of these spoons is my genuine spoon and one is an imposter spoon who looks like my spoon and I don't know which is which... What a total ruddy nightmare!?

My clock's changed...

2014-03-30T06:05:00.001-07:00

I'm confused... It's like my clock's changed over night!?

In happier times.. just yesterday!

My clock today.

I'm all at sixes and sevens with my clock changing like this. I have been second guessing it all day. The trust's gone.

He said she said - No. 1 in series....

2014-03-27T05:49:00.003-07:00

He Said, She Said...

What do newlyweds in the UK talk about I hear you say?! Yes I did hear you say that. You may think that you did not say that or indeed even think it... but you did and I heard you. So here you are - a glimpse into the conversations of a newlywed couple, who I can confirm are based in the UK area...

He said: Is it weird if I take a yoghurt into work in my pocket if I'm not taking my bag?

She said: A bit aye. A bit weird to carry a bag about with nothing in it but a yoghurt though.

He said: I know. Which is less weird?

She said: Hmmm!?

Well there we have it folks! Quite the dillema I think you'll agree... and in a worldwide exclusive I can confirm that he did carry the yoghurt to work in his pocket.

Andy Bands & the Office Junior - No. 2 in Series...

2013-11-15T07:06:00.001-08:00

Coming soon....

Join Britain's most belligerent boss Andy Bands as he scours the nation for his new Office Junior!

Andy Bands & the Office Junior....

2013-11-08T10:47:00.001-08:00

Introducing Andy Bands Britain's most successful business tycoon and the newest member of his business empire the office junior Pip.

Andy Bands and Pip have an extremely busy time in the office coming up with moneyspinning business ideas....

... and making them a reality!

Keep your peepers open for further glimpses into the business world of Andy Bands and the office junior Pip!

With thanks to @EMcCrindle for introducing me to Andy Bands and Pip.

Ruddy clocks...

2013-10-26T09:45:00.001-07:00

Tonight's the night the clocks go back and as a result chaos will reign!!! What is it about this bi-annual time based mix up that puts the nation at sixes and sevens!?

Twice a year it happens and twice a year the inevitable conversation starts about 3 to 4 days beforehand... "Clocks go forward this weekend.... Forward? No back surely?... Back? Spring forward, fall back, yes they must be going back.... Does that mean u get an extra hour in bed or do you lose an hour?... Well if it's really 8 o'clock it will actually be 7 o'clock soooo... We lose an hour... No we get an extra hour in bed.. Do we?... I dunno." And so on! This back and forth begins to take a turn for the frantic when the deadline is ticking ever closer like the giant clock in countdown counting down to the unveiling of the solution to the countdown conundrum!

The clocks changing sums up Britain pretty well as nobody ever knows what's going on but our main concern at this perplexing time is always whether we get an extra hour or lose an hour in bed! It is never whether we get an extra hour or lose an hour of industry or whether we get an extra hour or lose an hour to spend with our loved ones. Nope. It's always a terrible fear of a whole hour of beautiful slumber being snatched away from us by a nameless, faceless thing by that we don't really understand, that fuels the relentless questioning of the whole changing clocks system. And when we lose an hour in bed by god! Some blame the government, some blame the farmers, I blame the clocks. Tick tock tick tock... on and on they go like mad time measuring bastards and just when you think you can trust them.... They change!

By the way the clocks go forward tonight... No back definitely back!

Bananadrama...

2013-10-24T01:35:00.001-07:00

I like to draw a face on my daily banana then he's like a wee friend in the office... Until the clock strikes 11 then I eat him!

The horror!

The Wonders of Science - No. 2 in series...

2013-10-04T09:36:00.002-07:00

Introducing the Lobana...

Have scientists gone too far?

The Wonders of Science - No. 1 in Series...

2013-09-04T10:58:00.003-07:00

The Crab Apple

Scientists shocked the world last night when they announced they have succeeded in splicing the DNA of a crab with the DNA of an apple to produce the world's first crabapple.

This scientific breakthrough which mixes fruit and crustacean to form a fruistacean has left many shell shocked as they struggle to process the implications of this gamble with nature.

Many politicians have branded the scientists behind the creation of the crabapple as "irresponsible" and slammed their laboratory based antics as "playing god."

One of the leading scientists at the core of the crabapple creation has described it as a "very angry creature."

It is unclear what the next step may be in this DNA tombola. An inside source of the Scientific institute where the crabapple came to fruition has leaked the possibility of the team working to create a lobanana where the DNA of a lobster is mixed with that of a banana.

Watch this space...

Geese Police - No. 1 in Series...

2013-08-26T13:59:00.003-07:00

Have a gander at the newest member of Police Scotland...

Police Scotland are set to launch trials of a new crime fighting strategy that will see squads of angry geese keeping the peace on the streets of Glasgow. As a result of rising crime rates Glasgow's police force has felt under increased pressure to tackle violent and anti social behaviour leading to the recent decision to launch the geese police. There are hopes that this scheme could slash crime figures by up to 53%

The geese will be kept hungry and gaggles of the furious feathered crime fighters will be released at crime hotspots to round up troublemakers with honking, hissing, the flapping of wings and possibly the pecking or biting of offenders.

Critics of plans to police Glasgow's streets with angry geese have labelled the scheme "preposterous." and "bird brained" However, the Chief of the Geese Police - Goose handler Inspector Featherbottom is confident that the initiative will keep potential criminals in check. The Inspector recently enthused "Angry geese patrolling Glasgow's streets is the ultimate deterrent to criminals. The geese will operate a zero tolerance approach to violence and anti social behaviour and will attack those who overstep the law."

A similar initiative "Los Gansos Policia" was launched in Madrid in 2011 and has seen crime rates plummet in the Spanish city. The Geese Police will start patrolling Glasgow's streets later this year.

Cakearma... No. 3 in series - The death of a sweet tooth

2013-06-12T05:14:00.001-07:00

Following a lot of trouble with my teeth (one troublemaking molar in particular!!) and numerous trips to the dentists, despite my dentists being very handsome indeed and the fact that I live in the dawn of the age of DVD goggles, (You can watch a DVD on goggles!!!!) I have decided to abstain from sweets and cakes...and inevtibaly happiness as a result!? I am trying my very best to say cheerio to all my good friends from the world of confectionary and feel very sad indeed that my adventures with my friends from the biscuit tin are over! But c'est la vie.. everything passes so they say!

The Death of a Sweet Tooth

The sun sets and then it rises

Life is short and full of surprises

The only certain thing is nothing lasts

So love what is as all things must pass

Don't fixate on a twix you ate

or hear a wispa from the past call your name

Don't dream I beg of a Cadbury's cream egg

or a lion bar you once had to tame

A macaroon is often gone too soon

A french fancy is fleeting but great

Though the pineapple tart is always in your heart

only crumbs remain on the plate...

The Spritzer Plan - No. 1 in series....

2013-03-29T09:21:00.002-07:00

Beware!! You think Tequila is your amigo....

...but Tequila is dangerous. It can turn on you....

... Join the Spritzer Plan. (Before it's too late!)

Cakearma... No. 2 in series.

2012-09-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

When I find myself in times of trouble

Mr Kipling comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, cake for me.

And in my hour of darkness

Cakes are sitting right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, cake for me.

Cake for me, Cake for me, cake for me, cake for me.

Whisper words of wisdom, Cake for me.

And when the really hungry people

Living in the world agree,

Cake could be an answer, cake for me.

For though they may like savoury snacks there's

Still a chance that they will see

Cake could be the answer, Cake for me.

Cake for me, Cake for me. Cake for me, Yeah cake for me.

Cake will be an answer, Cake for me.

Cakearma...

2012-08-10T04:51:00.002-07:00

And in the end....

..The cake you take...

is equal to the cake you make... (or buy!)

In the Summer Time - A Tribute to a Summer in Glasgow....

2012-08-04T12:06:00.000-07:00

If Mungo Jerry had spent a summer in Glasgow they may not have been so upbeat!?

In the summer time when the weather is... beep,

you can stay in bed and catch up on your sleep.

In the summer time you wear PJs, you wear PJs all the time!

In the summer time when the weather is... bad,

and there's more rainfall than we've ever had.

In the summer time you got roast dinners, got roast dinners on your mind!

In the summer time when the weather is... blarg,

you can't even get from your house to the park.

In the summer time you feel like Noah, feel like Noah in his ark!

In the summer time when the weather is... crap,

and you pray to god that he'll turn off the tap.

In the summer time you take your brolly, take your brolly in your bag!

Tales From the Biscuit Tin - No. 5 in series.... The Empire Strikes Back

2012-07-30T12:34:00.003-07:00

A frightening tale from the biscuit tin this week which tells the story of when the biscuit bites back!

It seemed the the destruction of the empire biscuit community was imminent as one hungry office worker systematically chomped her way through no less than 5 empire biscuits a week over a period of months. This scoffing spree devasted the Empire biscuit population and created a growing resentment amongst those biscuits who had so far survived her ravenous rampage.

This resentment exploded in violence last week when the empire biscuit that our hungry villain had her eye on literally bit back and devoured it's adversary with an appetite in two bites.

Her colleagues later commented "She had a sweet tooth and she just couldn't resist the cherry topped treat. That cherry was a beacon to her. A beacon I tell you!"

The Empire Biscuit community have supported the biscuit in questions vigilante actions and have pledged to carry out similar attacks on anyone who approaches an empire biscuit with a hungry gleam in their eye. So...

...beware when choosing your teabreak snack
that the treat you choose doesn't bite back!
The cherry topped empire looks so appealing
But if it bites you first then you will be squealing
Go for a hobnob or a pink wafer
Although a bit dull a wafers much safer!

The Terrors That Lie Within.....(No.1 in series)

2012-04-25T12:35:00.000-07:00

The Terrors That Lie Within.... The Stationery Cupboard!?!

Beware!!!! Terror and Horror can lie in the most unexpected of places. A quick glance through any accident book in the workplace will reveal the stationery cupboard to be a dark place of danger. Almost 85% of accidents in the UK take place in office stationery stores and I myself have fallen victim to this terrible terrible place.

Beware when opening the Samurai envelope...

In 2010 I suffered a papercut so bad that it reduced my normally professional work place persona to a blubbering wreck. The villain of this piece is an envelope! OMG I hear you say!? Yes a seemingly harmless paper product most commonly used as a carrier for the delivery of letters from one location to another. But what happens when envelopes turn bad!? Unfortunately what happened is too gruesome and bloody to describe in this pre watershed blog so I will let your imagination fill in the blanks. Needless to say I suffered the worst papercut a human being could endure. It later emerged that the envelope in question had been a samurai sword in a previous life and had retained its lethal sharpness in it's new incarnation as office stationery. But how was I to know!? I can only hope that my story will serve as a warning to others to beware of the terrors that lie within.... the stationery cupboard!

... it bites!

Next time we hear about "The Terrors That Lie Within.... The Garden Centre." Where one pensioner recently got more than they bargained for on a trip to popular garden centre Dobbies... Watch this space!

Did You Know....?

2012-04-11T14:25:00.003-07:00

Did you know.... that actor Sean Bean features in every single film that has been made in both the UK and America since 1978? Whether it is a very small walk on part or the lead role Sean Bean will appear. You may not always be able to tell it is Sean Bean as he is a very clever and talented actor. The only tell tale signs that will let you know for sure will be his rugged good looks and gruff northern accent.

See below for some popular movies that you may not have noticed Sean Bean in the first time around but see if you can spot him now....

Two men, a baby and Sean Bean.

Can you spot Sean Bean in the heroin addicted line up of hit movie Trainspotting?

Here he is the usual suspect... Sean Bean!

Sean Bean can be currently be seen in all major motion pictures showing at your local cinema!

Tales from the Biscuit Tin: No. 4 in Series... The Jammy Dodger

2012-03-10T12:57:00.002-08:00

The Jammy Dodger - I wonder if he considers himself at home now he's behind bars.

A crime based tale from the biscuit tin this week with the story of the Jammy Dodger, who was recently apprehended by police for pick pocketing on the streets of London. Upon his arrest it emerged that the Jammy Dodger has been the leader of a gang of criminal street biscuits who have been targeting the pockets of Londoners and visitors to the nation's capital for years. The arrest of the Jammy Dodger followed an undercover operation by Scotland Yard where one of their officers Cadburys Twirl was initiated into the nefarious activities of the criminal gang. The Jammy Dodger was heard to remark upon sentencing "What's to happen to the likes of me? Just trying to make a dishonest living for himself."

But the story doesn't end there... There has been claims of a second shadowy figure in the biscuit underworld who is really behind the biscuit based pick pocket gang. The Jammy Dodger didn't give up this crummy character to the police but an anonymous source claims the biscuit really behind the crime spree is a Mr Fig roll, who instructs the young biscuits to steal in exchange for a tin over their heads.

However, the mention of this villainous fig roll hasn't changed the fate of the Jammy Dodger who has now been put behind bars for his part in this crime caper.

An Excerpt of the recording from the wire worn by the undercover officer Cadburys Twirl...

[DODGER (spoken)]
So, Cadburys Twirl, you're coming with me.

[TWIRL (spoken)]
Are you sure Mr. Fig Roll won't mind?

[DODGER (spoken)]
Mind?!

[DODGER (breaks into song)]
Consider yourself a cookie
Consider yourself one of the confectionery
We'll make a cuppa tea so strong
It's clear your going to get along
Consider yourself well in
Consider yourself one of the biscuit tin
There isn't a lot to spare
Who cares?..all of the biscuits share!

Consider yourself dunked in
We don't want to have no crumbs,
For after some consideration, we can state
Consider yourself
one of us!

Danny Dyson celebrates International Womens Day...

2012-03-08T05:22:00.000-08:00

Supporter of womens rights and self proclaimed feminist Danny Dyson

International Womens Day which aims to both highlight the struggle for equal rights and celebrate the achievements of women across the world has come a long way since it's launch in 1900. It has many celebrity supporters but non more so than celebrity hardman hoover Danny Dyson. Danny stated "I love women. I was brought up by women. My mum was a woman. Women are just a massive thing for me."

Danny Dyson, who has made his name appearing in films as characters that are hooligans and criminals, feels he has been typecast for too long as a hardman. However, he is confident that his next role, playing an abusive serial killer, will change all that.

He said: "I play this serial killer who likes to kidnap women, abuse them and then kill them."

Fontaine says: Happy International Women's Day readers! In all seriousness it is an important day in the calendar and important to remember that although women have come a long way in the last century there is still a lot of work to be done to ensure global equality for women and to put an end to violence against women. To which my blog has contributed exactly nada! Be sure to read up on some proper coverage of this important issue!

The Haymaker Meets His Match...

2012-02-21T13:10:00.000-08:00

Lets hope it is fought in the right spirit when Haye meets Acorah in the ring!

I don't know what all the fuss is about. I for one am looking forward to boxing champ David Haye going head to head with Derek Acorah, well known spiritualist and star of Living TV's Most Haunted. Haye has been haunted by the scenes from last weeks press conference, which ended in a brawl between him and Medium weight Acorah. The controversial scenes shocked the nation and has left boxing fans calling for the grudge to be settled in the ring. Keep your eyes open for this impending fright night as it's sure to be spectretacular!

Danny Dyson's Deadliest Hardmen Hoovers...

2012-02-19T07:39:00.000-08:00

Danny Dyson

Danny Dyson's Deadliest Hardmen Hoovers is a gritty and hard-hitting documentary series that sees Danny Dyson venturing into the dark depths of the British vacuum cleaner underworld and hunting down some of the most notorious and feared vacuum cleaners in Britain today. In this week's episode Danny Dyson meets Henry "the Hatchet" Hoover, whose trademark hatchet nozzle attachment strikes fear into the heart of dust and dirt across the UK. Dyson warns "Henry the Hatchet is not a hoover you want to make a mug of!" He is well known for his violent outbursts which leaves crumbs quaking and cobwebs cowering in fear of his wrath. As Dyson quips"Henry "the Hatchet" Hoover brings a whole new meaning to Shake and Vac."

Henry "The Hatchet" Hoover

Next week Danny Dyson meets Mad Vax the Carpet shampooing strangler whose infamous retractable cord has deadly repercussions for his enemies.

Dreams....

2012-02-13T10:13:00.000-08:00

Fontaine's dreams

As eye patch wearing singer Gabrielle sings "dreams can come true" and my dreams of owning a slice of dual cyclone technology will be coming true when I pick up my shiny new Dyson this Friday! This may seem like a modest dream to some but overhearing (eavesdropping on) some children chatting in the Burrell Collection today it seems that some people dream bigger than others.

Little Girl: If you had a million billion squillion pounds and you could buy anything in the world, whatever you wanted, what would you buy?

Little boy: I think I'd probably buy.... eh.... an iPhone 4S.

Little Girl: I would buy a holiday for two weeks.

Little Boy (realising that he has aimed a bit low in spending the million billion squillion pounds): Do you know what I would buy else?

Little girl: (Lost interest in the conversation crawling under the museum benches)

Little Boy (More loudly): Do you know what I would buy aswell?

Little girl: (disinterested) what?

Little Boy: A Time machine!

Litttle Girl (Awestruck): Ooohh! If you could go back in time to any time in the whole wide world what time would you go back to?

Little Boy (serious face): Buckingham Palace.

Little girl: To see the queen?

Little Boy: Yeah.

This boys wasting his million billion squillion pounds on a time machine when what he wants to buy is a train ticket. But at least his dreams of spending this imaginary fortune moved up a step from an iPhone 4S. I hope this isn't what the majority of children are dreaming of these days. I used to dream of flying houses. And now that the Dyson dream will be realised who knows what I'll be dreaming of....

The Greatest Glove Songs...

2012-02-12T10:00:00.000-08:00

My Endless Glove

Why not treat the other half of your pair to The Greatest Glove Songs album this Valentines day. Featuring hits such as...

My Endless Glove...

My glove, there's only you in my drawer,

I can't fit in any more.

My first glove, knitted by hands for hands,

as snug as once was planned.

And I, I want to share, my glove with you,

No other glove will do.

And my arm it tells me how warm it is.

Oh yes, you will always be, my endless glove.

Two hands, two hands but just one glove.

it can keep the whole world snug.

Forever, I'll wear you up my arms,

I can't resist your charm.

My glove, I'll be a fool, for your wool I'm sure,

You know I don't mind.

Cause you, you mean the world to me.

Oh, I know I've found in you, my endless glove.

And glove, I'll be that fool for your wool, I'm sure.

You know I don't mind.

And yes, you'll be the only glove.

Cause no one can deny,

This glove I have its fine.

I'll give it all to you...

My glove, my glove, my endless glove.

The Greatest Glove Songs album hits the shops on February 14th just in time for Valentines day... That's handy!

Tales from the Biscuit Tin: No. 3 in series....

2012-01-31T13:07:00.000-08:00

Poor Tea.

A sad tale from the biscuit tin this week. Its the riches to rags tale of the biscuit who used to be known as the Rich Tea. Up until recent years Rich Tea enjoyed the wealth and lifestyle you would expect from Britain's most wealthy biscuit. However, the recent expansion and globalisation of the cake and biscuit industry, which has seen the boom times for the chocolate biscuit, has left this biscuit broke and sadly poor tea can now be seen living on the streets in UK towns and cities.

The Rich Tea biscuit in happier times pictured enjoying success in 1948.

Poor tea now dreams of being spotted and given a make over by biscuit and cake mogul Mr Kipling in the hopes of hitting the big time once more!