Shaken Not Stirred

New Diggs..this place is closed

2010-03-24T14:48:00.000-05:00

I have a new life and new diggs. You are welcome to join me there if you so choose.

Saving Grace

I won't be blogging here anymore so you will have to readd me. I am sure I will lose a lot of readers due to my "life changes" and that is ok.

Blessings,
Stacy

Ain't got shit

2010-02-19T15:01:00.000-06:00

Nothing to say worth talking about besides the fact that it is sunny here today and our daffodils are in full bloom and the tulips are up as well. YAY.

Oh and I posted some new shit over thar at my photoblog and junk.

Go check it out you lint lickers!

btw....the link is on my profile for the dummies out there.

Yeah, I called ya dummies...eh bite me you biscuit eating bulldogs!

Stop it, I'm in a mood. How dare you cuss me? Pfffft.....

Bitches it's all a Super Bitch has!

2010-02-11T03:49:00.000-06:00

So, I am back to the blogosphere. Yay, me. I have been back for quite a long time. We finally got paid and I paid our internet bill BUT, I had no desire to write here. Call me crazy but I just did not have it in me to spill it all here. I mean, why come back here and spill it here? There isn't anyone listening besides maybe Carlos. Carlos, you are a truly great man to listen to my drivel. I love ya for that. I have contemplated closing shop here since in reality, I do not have much of an audience...however, I write for me so if I write to a blind audience who cares really?

Anyway, life has been much the same as it has been in the last several months. Xmas went well and I am glad it is over with. The New Years came and went without so much as a bang. I must have died and came back as a 90 year old woman. I owe that to my husband who is 31 going on 101.

So, basically what I am saying is, I am Bored out of my mind.

I am not particularly sad but Mama ain't so happy either. Mama is just dealing. What else in the fuck can one do when in my position?

Well, I leave with that. It ain't much but bitches, it's all I got.

I think, pretty sure, I am still hanging on...

2010-02-11T01:00:00.002-06:00

Yep, do not be too sure, but I think I am still alive and functioning on a fairly normal/sane level. OMG, so much has been going on and quite frankly, I don't give a rats ass to share it with anyone. I have tried many of times to come on here and peck out a distress call....oh, shit, why bother? Ain't anyone listening anyway.

from now on, the gloves are off, the niceties, the manners, morals. etc....are out the fucking wondow. Ain't noone else here who is paying attention anyways so I am writing for me and NO ONE else anymore. Itg ain't alway gonna be pretty but it will be true so take it or leave it.

The Bitch is back.

Deal.

Oh and BTW, this is what Lola and Dudley have been doing to pass them time and to drive me FUCKING crazy. Jack Russell's are a pain. in. the. ass.

Multimedia message

2010-01-21T17:23:00.000-06:00

FW:

2010-01-13T19:42:00.000-06:00

Dudley says " I am the Evil Emperor muahahahahahaaaaa...well that and my Mom is a whackjob!!!"

Multimedia message

2010-01-13T14:28:00.000-06:00

Yeah, ok, go ahead and laugh. You KNOW you want to be as cool, eh hhhem, bored as me!!!!!!

2010-01-13T13:56:00.001-06:00

Crazy shit going on around here. I have rekindled my love affair with the library since I have no tv or internet. I went

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2010-01-09T11:30:00.001-06:00

So, life has been pretty crazy around here lately. I have plenty to update you with once we can afford to have the inter

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2010-01-08T20:32:00.001-06:00

I have no internet right now. Dont know when I will be back.

Stacy

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Fuck It

2009-12-17T01:45:00.000-06:00

If I haven't left a comment in last week and this weeks posts, I am sorry. I have been reading but last week was seriously busy, the weekend was crazy, and this week I have been the PMS Queen from hell. I mean deep down, fiery pits of hell. I've become a complete lunatic this week. Anyway, I will be back after I bleed or someone else bleeds ( I might kill someone soon) but I will be back.

Yeah I know one of my 1.5 readers must give a shit if I come back or not. The rest of the blogging world can kiss my fat white ass.

Word of the day?

Fuckitalltohell.

Hows this for S.A.D.?

2009-12-15T19:44:00.000-06:00

I wonder if this shit has anything to do with my failing mood? I am pissy/moody/sad/tearful/depressed today.

Rain

49 42 Showers

Showers

48 42 Showers

Showers

49 43 Showers

Showers

49 39 Showers

Showers

46 38 Showers

Showers

44 35

Our forecast for the next 7 long ass days. No wonder I just drank 3 beers in 10 minutes. Fuck.

Fuckitalltohell.

On a more serious note...

2009-12-15T14:35:00.000-06:00

....I would do almost anything right now to know a family law attorney for free advice.

See, my step son Porkchop was just put on an antipsychotic/bipolar/autism/asperger/depression medication. I am not big on medicating children unless absolutely needed for their own safety.

I do NOT see the reason for him being medicated and the worst part? His mother hasn't kept us in the loop until after the fact. My husband was never asked for his input nor was he invited to any and all appointments when he was tested or diagnosed. He was just told Oh By The Way...I took him to the Doctor after he got in trouble at school for beating up a kid.

My husband has had custody of his son since he was about 4-5 but he has lived with his Dad since he was about 2 or smaller. I have raised him since he was 4. We have had his kids full time since I have known them until last November when my husband gave them to their mother, along with custody, because we lost everything and went to Texas to look for work. It was a decision that haunts my husband every day. Both kids are miserable living with their mother because they hate their step-dad and they think their mother is self absorbed and cares more about her husband than what they think or feel. They have repeatedly asked to move back with their Dad and earlier this year in counseling his son lied to the counselor and told them something that wasn't completely true and when asked why he lied he flat out told the counselor that he would continue to lie and act out until he can go live with his Dad. He told the counselor that his step-dad put him up on the roof and left him there. That wasn't the exact truth but he knew it was something that could have him taken from them and placed with his dad because they were not fit parents. After that little fiasco, they took him out of counseling and isn't putting him back in it. In my humble opinion, they won't put him back in counseling because there is something moire going on in that household and they don't want anyone to know. They also know that both kids will tell the truth about them and the mental abuse going on.

The entire time we had Porkchop in our care he had his issues. He could be out of control, he did have outburts, he did have an angre problem to a certain degree. Nothing out of the ordinary for a kid though. Yes, sometimes it got bad but in all honesty, it was rare and he was pretty good. With my husbands youngest, Bear Boy, having ADHD and loads of mental problems, and me having thought he had a slight case of Autism/Aspbergers, I had him evaluated and I did an assload of research. I was correct on the ADHD and he is now on meds, in a special class at school with only one other child. I am pretty sure that if Porkchop had any red flags I would have been the first to recognize it. I never saw any of it. I can see the possible ADHD to a certain degree but not bi-polar or anything else. He didn't act like this until he went to live with her a year ago. The child is so unhappy there. We both see it. We would like the opportunity to talk with this Doctor. I do not believe she told the Doc any of the history, only what she wanted him to hear to get the kid under control. I think we should have been addressed seeing as how we have been his day to day caretakers for at least 6 years. Am I wrong here? I am actually pretty upset and I think we should have done what was right for Porkchop before giving meds as serious as Resperidone. I think he should be in some serious counseling, the mother should pull her head out of her ass and listen to her kids needs, spend more time with them and listening to them, and put their step-dad last. She refuses to give custody back to the hubby even though both kids have asked to move back. She is making the kids no longer trust her or like her. They feel as though their needs are of no concern to their mother and they feel betrayed by her. They have told us this verbatim.

It is disheartening to know this, see this, while trying to help them, and we are in NO position financially to help them. Right now we have no room for them and not enough money to support them. Even when we get back on our feet we do not have the money to take her to court. Opera girl will be 12 in May and we are hopeful she can tell the judge what is going on and that she wants to be back with us. Porkchop will only be 10 in Feb. and that isn't old enough to tell the judge and he is the one who needs our help the most.

Sigh...see our predicament? I need a free attorney. I am so sad about all this and I see my husband suffer emotionally every day worried about his kids, knowing there isn't jack shit we can do about it and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart when my daughter tells me this weekend that she no longer trusts her mother or her grandma or aunt. She told me she wished her Mom was like me. She told me she wished I was her Mom. She told me she is hurt and angry that her Gramma used to tell her all the time that when she was 12 she would get her and attorney so she could tell the judge she wanted to be with her momma and now when she tells her Gramma that she is going to tell a judge she wants to be with her Dad, her gramma told her that's not going to happen you will be with us forever. My heart breaks for these kids and my hubby who has no means to stop this maddness.

Sigh, my hands are tied and I just do not know what to do anymore.

Quirkiness

2009-12-14T16:16:00.000-06:00

Little known facts about me, your highness:

I am facinated by natural disasters. In particular, tornadoes and hurricanes. Call me crazy, but I looked forward to my first hurricane party in Texas. Yeah, crazy huh?

I spent most of my childhood in a V.F.W or a tavern.

My childhood hometown was much poorer than I remember. It wasn't until I got much older that I realized I came from very humble mid-west beginnings.

My family comes from the Ozarks. I can remember going to my Mom's Aunts house as a child and walking on dirt floors.

I was born and raised in a Mill town where the air was damned stinky and the houses had a burnt orange dirty color from the mill.

My second toe is longer than my big toe. I hate my toes. They are long and crypt keeper like.

I used to be skinny. Oh how skinny I was. I was told in highschool that I had a heartshaped ass. LOL

My Grandma came from Kentucky and called black people colored, said she was borned in Kentucky. Borned LOL yeah, humble beginings.

My family is still pretty racist. I am glad to have moved away and learned to not be racist.

Somedays I fantasize about being wealthy and living like the Princess I really am.

I love snowflakes.

I have an absurd love for pork rinds.

My dream home would be an old victorian style farm house on a lake or creek, with loads of weeping willow trees, tire swings, wrap around porches with porch swings, loads of roses and wisteria trellises, fishing docks, canoes, paddle boats, firepits, with huge garden plots, clothes lines out back, screened in back porch with rocking chairs, loaded with antique furniture, huge fireplace in every room including one in the kitchen to cook over with gorgeous wood mantles, all full with love and grandkids someday.

I miss living in a sports town. I remember being a child in the bleacher section watching the St. Louis Cardinals with hotdogs and popcorn.

I love the Southern mentality. I actually miss living in Texas.

I learned to adore southern cooking, hot sauce, crawfish by the pound, cajun food and fried foods.

I want to go deepsea fishing someday.

I want to swim with the dolphins.

I long to go to Alaska. I dream about a cozy little log cabin stocked full of food, booze, music, firewood, bear skin rugs, candles, and a blizzard with no way out for a week. Sounds so romantic.

I love to travel and would love to go to Ireland, Australia, Jamaica, Rome, Italy, but most of all Poland to find my family.

I have NO fashion sense and I know jack nor shit about interior design.

I am going bald on one side of my head in front. I can see my scalp. Whoa, never saw that one coming.

I want to have a backyard with my very own icehouse by the pool with a palapa roof, cantina style with an old time jukebox, mexican blanket stylepainted wall, palm trees (loads of them) with loads of antique beer signs, tropical beach motif decor, margaritaville style fun.

I have come to realize we will never own our own home. Somedays I am ok with that and other days I take it really hard.

I am obsessed with having my nails done and my toes too. I feel manly without my fake nails.

I want to get another tattoo. A portrait of my grandparents on their wedding day framed in roses and a rosary. Then I want one with my kids names and birthdates.

I used to have my nipples pierced and am thinking about having it redone.

There you have it, a little about me. I'll leave it at that since the last one should give you something to think about for awhile ;)

Totally Random Bullshit that runs through my pea sized brain...

2009-12-11T15:10:00.001-06:00

Just a bunch of random bullshit for you since I can't seem to gather my thoughts enough to post a "real" entry.

Let's see...what has been going on in my little fucked up world? Hmmmmm.....I'm lost on it all. Thinking, thinking, thinking...wait, wait. for. it. ;) it's coming people...

Random thoughts... in no particular order because thats how I roll people.

How Webkinz boy got his name:

Seriously, that is only 1/18th of those damn stuffed animals that he owns. We made him put an entire box of them in storage since we have to share a room with him and there simply is no room. Besides, sex with those creatures in the room staring at me is creeeeeepy. Sex has been delegated to during the day when he is not home.

Can we say SUCKS?

Webkinz boy had his party last weekend and in the midst of opening presents he grabs another to open. This is when I almost peed my pants. The kid can be pretty funny when he wants to be. He grabs this present that is the shape of a jewelry box and blurts out "He went to Jareds"!!! Jareds is a company here in Oregon and the commercials are about as stupid as can be. Everyone of them has some dumbass nitwit showing off her ring, jumping up and down screaming "HE WENT TO JARED". Ok, so um yeah..you needed to be there to find it funny. But, it was. Trust. Me.

I would rather have my genitalia cut off than attempt this weeks feat. Read my lips.... I. DON'T. WANT. TO. QUIT. SMOKING. I just need to for me, my kids, my wallet, my skin, my pride....need people: not to be confused with want. This sucks ass HUGE ass. So far I went 5 days without smoking and then jumped right back on the cancer stick. It's kicking my ass. 5 long fucking miserable days and I go back? WTF? Really? I am a weak muthafucker. Sigh. Cigarettes can suck my dick.

The weather has been colder than a witched titty here. We decided to pick last weekend to go to storage simply because for once...the rain stopped. So, instead of getting all wet and shit I froze my ever loving ass off for 5 long ass hours pulling everything out just to put it all back in...all that hell to have this:

My comfortable squishy yet puffy, cloud like slice of heaven bed! OMG, it was better than sex the first night back in my million dollar bed!

We also got our couches and our big screen TV and our coffee table aka project "I'll Do It Later".

ahhhh an oldie but a goodie.

Christmas isn't complete without the afgan my gramma made me. When I pulled it out of storage it still smelled like her house as I got it when she died 2 years ago December 5th. It had been wrapped up and stored in a wardrobe I inherited when she died. It felt like "home". It brought tears to my eyes.

My dog has the most fuckered up ears I have ever seen in my life. DUDE, pull them back in a ponytail alright? You're going to poke someone's eye out with those things!

He loves me. Like really loves me. Like lick you all. the. fuck. over. likes me! I think he thinks he is human and I am his mistress. I know he is secretly hoping I will leave Big Daddy for him.

Husband and I are laying in bed the morning after we put our bed together from storage. We both were stuffy and wind burned from the moving in sub tempature debacle and I rolled over to kiss him good morning. I sneezed, suck my snot back in my nose (ya quite a visual huh?) and he looks at me all stuffy and says "It must be the altitude". HAHAHAHAHAH yeah fuck you, I thought it was funny as shit. I mean we had just spent the last 2 weeks sleeping in the livingroom on an air mattress from hell...down on the ground. Our bed is so high the kids have to scale the side of Mt. Bederest just for a kiss. So, yeah, the altitude. heheheheh I still find it funny as fuck.

I have decided to make Hot Buttered Rum the official drink of my holiday.
O. M. G. ~~I love them, want to fornicate with them~~ they are so good.

Oh great. Freezing rain, sleet, and snow mix tonight. I love me some winter clusterfuck driving.

So excited to have the kids this weekend. Excited as in need some booze to deal.

Hey laundry, do yourself. I no likey you.

I have turned into Betty fucking Crocker lately. Just about everything i cook is from scratch now. Earlier this week I finally made some banana bread with the bananas on the fridge that were the color of soot. Yeah. They were dead.

Did I mention that cigarettes can suck. my. big. hard. dick? if I had one anyway.

Ok my random bullshit is done for now. I'm all thunked out.

I made that word up cuz I liked it and that's how I roll bitches.

Frightful, delightful, let it effin' snow.

2009-12-09T19:50:00.000-06:00

Just so you know...

The weather outside is frightful. Cold as fuck. Everything is frozen through...

My mood is de *light *ful....

I wish it would snow, snow snow....since I have no place to go :)

In case you are wondering, I am alive and well. I found me some mistletoe, holly, and ornaments...

... they are shooting out my my ass right now. ;)

It's Only The Biggest Game In Oregon History!

2009-12-03T13:11:00.003-06:00

It's BIG!

It's the Civil War game of all time!

University of Oregon

VS.

Oregon State University

You gotta watch this video. Some students actually made this and then got in trouble for using the duck which is property of Disney....however, now they are getting calls from ESPN and it might be shown at the game tonight. BTW, they are playing in Eugene at Autzen Stadium. Home of the DUCKS!

This is history in the making people! This has never happened in the entire history of Oregon! Our local rival teams are playing each other ( not new, that is a yearly thing ) BUT we are playing for the Rose Bowl baby!

I smell me some roses bitches!

Everyone is going crazy around here. We live literally, in between both towns. 20 minutes from Eugene and 20 minutes from Corvallis. Everyone in Liam's 5th grade class are Beaver fans. Everyone at my work are Ducks fans. Our family are Ducks fans! We are going to some friends house instead of staying here or going to the bar. This town and every town around the state will be crazy insane tonight at 6pm.

WOO WOO I am excited as fuck LMAO

The Oregon Ducks are ranked #7 in the US! We are gonna be eating some Beaver stew tonight and then?

We be smelling some roses...cuz that's how we roll bitches!

Weeeeeeeeee!

GO DUCKS!

WARNING * Rant Ahead*

2009-12-03T01:37:00.002-06:00

I have to get something off my chest. I am a littler perturbed right now. Well, A LOT actually.

See, today my son Liam turned 11 years old and my Mother never called him. He actually called her at 8 pm tonight which is 10 her time. She told him that last year I told her his birthday was on the 3rd and that she wasn't sure which day it was! Um, excuse me but....

WHAT THE FUCK?

Ser. ious. ly?

What Grandma doesn't know what day her grandson's birthday is on? Now, trust me when I say that if it came to my oldest son she would never ever forget. She worships the ground my oldest walks on. It has been my belief as well as others, that she loves Jake more than Liam. She makes is abundantly clear and I know Liam feels it. It pisses me off to no fucking end.

Am I right here or am I right? I am seriously peeved to no end. God forbid we forget her birthday or any other occasion without a phone call from her about how we don't love her, being a kid is no excuse to forget, blah blah fuckity blah.

This is the shit that drives me crazy about this woman.

I want to write her an email telling her how pissed I am but I know I will get the brunt of that. I can do no right for any reason but she can forget his birthday? Um, I think not.

I am going to tell her what I think. How dare she? When my kids go a little long without calling her they get the whole guilt trip phone call and the whole you don't love me bullshit and THEN I get the whole you raised your kids terribly and to not care about people...you're a worthless piecef shit daughter. Gahhhhhh...I cannot imagine why the hell I am so fucked up in my head. She is in my head 24 hours a day, 7 days a week telling me how worthless I am. She does it to my kids too. They see it, call her on it to me, but they love her so they forgive her mental abuse. She's not quite right in the head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, just needed to get that off my chest. Today was Liam's birthday. I baked him homemade from scratch: fried chicken, mashed potatoes, biscuits ( they were not hockey pucks), and corn. :) We took him to see New Moon.

Yes, New Moon. Secretly it was for me ;) I just about fainted when Jacob took his shirt off LOL. I'd like to fuck the living shit out of that man. ( sorry honey, but dayuuuum ).

And, because I am so fucking emo, I got teary eyed at the end when Jacob ran off all butt hurt over Bella's decision. Man, who could blame him? The bitch led him on only to break his heart. Sigh....I am emo. LOL Who cries at this shit? I really do think I am on the verge of a mental breakdown.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. My oldest called me today all sortsa sideways with his step mom. He is thinking about moving home with me. Who saw that coming? That ice queen mental case is controlling as hell. That, and she is a raving bitch. I guess we will see what happens with that.

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Tomorrow is going to be an edge of your seat, scream out loud, exciting as fuck day! It's the Civil War and it's GAME ON BITCHES! Holy crap, I cannnnnot wait!

UofO vs. OSU! Whoever wins goes to the Rose Bowl! It's gonna be beer thirty at about 4 tomorrow and we all will be sporting our green and yellow. Ducks vs. Beavers. Oh, and my son Liam is a Beavers fan so this is going to be even more fun!!! We were going up to my work to watch the game with everyone on the big screen in the bar but I want to watch it with Liam so we are staying home the second half with him.

O. M. G.

I am so stoked!

!!!!!GO DUCKS!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, so, I actually listened to some xmas tunes today.

And, I didn't even vomit a little in my mouth.

I even watched my favorite xmas movie of all time.

Rudolph the Fucking Red Nosed Reindeer!

Ok, so I am not shooting holly and mistletoe out of my ass...

But it's a start alright?

So, ummm, yeah....

2009-11-30T21:12:00.000-06:00

...that holiday is over. One more to go and I can breathe.

I have always thoroughly enjoyed this time of year. As a child, I adored Thanksgiving and Christmas. I lived for it all. year. long. Now? Yeah, not so much. Now, I dread the holidays. I have lived away from home since I was 16 when my mother kicked me out and shipped me off to Oregon to live with a father I barely knew but knew enough to hold much resentment towards.

* sidenote* my father moved away from me when I was around 4-5. He abandoned me to marry a woman who has hated me my entire life simply because A. I am alive and B. I am my mothers daughter. Because said woman hated me and my mother, she made him move 2000 miles away from us. Insecure much?

I don't remember much about my Dad before the age of 4. I know he went away to Vietnam when my Mom found out she was pregnant with me. He came back, hadn't seen me yet, and got high with some friends instead. After a very short period of time he took my Mom to a hotel, fucked her, then got up and said "I don't love you anymore, I want a divorce". So, yeah, I don't remember much. All I know is what my Mom told me. He had drug problems and that was that.

Anyway, at 16 I was shipped off to live with him because to her I was out of control and pretty much worthless. Ask her, she will tell you. From an early age I was incorrigable, unloving, rude, spoiled and overall...a piece of holy terror shit who has never cared about anyone but herself. Yeah, just ask her. She will tell you this. Yes, I have issues. I cannot imagine why though. ;)

Back to why I hate the holidays....

I am now 38 and since I was 16 I have been away from my family. I miss them terribly. I cannot remember when was the last time I was "home" for the holidays. Every year I wish I was there with all my heart. There is so much more to this story but that will come another time. After some time being away I sort of pulled away. Call it self preservation if you will. Now, I don't know them Like I did; like I want to now or did as a child.

My Dad and I now have a very solid relationship and he is living back in Illinois for the first time in some 30 odd years. My brother lives about 2 1/2 hours away but he has his head so far up his finace's ass that he can't seem to find the time for us.

My Grandfather died back in 2000 and my very BEST friend in this entire world, my support, my heart & soul, my Grandma passed away 2 years ago this December 5th. The last time I spoke with her was 2 years go this Thanksgiving. When we spoke she no longer remembered who I was. It broke my heart into a million pieces. The one person who loved me, cherished me, and accepted me for who I am unconditionally now forgot who her grandaughter was. She loved me. Now, she is gone. She was "home" to me. I now have no home. I no longer belong to my own family. I am detached, severed from all that has meant anything to me in my life and my Mom? Well, I texted her on Turkey day telling her Happy Thanksgiving Day I love you and I never even got a response.

Every day I try to understand why I am so bad. whatever I did must be pretty bad. I know I have screwed up my life but damnit, am I not worth their love?

So, yeah. I hate the holidays. I hate hearing songs I sang as a child with those who held my heart in their hands. I hate remembering my Grandma and Grandpa. I hate remembering my Mom and her Elvis Christmas album. I hate the fucking holidays.

I hate fucking Bing Crosby and his "I'll Be Home for Christmas".

Bah Humbug fuckers.

One holiday down, another one to survive.

Make It Stop

2009-11-25T13:55:00.000-06:00

Please people, stop posting so much! At the rate you clowns are going, I will never get caught up.

I. AM. TOO. SICK. to laugh even so stop being so funny as well. Sigh. I do not plan on getting out of bed till Saturday when I have to work.

Carry on lightly, without me.

It's Here

2009-11-24T11:05:00.000-06:00

Have. The. Crud.

Be around later.

Hmmmmm

2009-11-20T22:28:00.000-06:00

chardonnay+squirt+raspberry vodka= a very happy Stacy.

Carry on folks.

Because I can't think...

2009-11-20T15:05:00.000-06:00

I haven't had anything to say these last couple of days. Not one word. So, back to random shit.

it's rainy, windy, and chilly outside so therefore, Lola refuses to go to the bathroom. yet she scratches at the damn door every 5 minutes. I take her out freezing my ass off in the rain and she will NOT go. To say I am frustrated would be an understatement. Pfft. I put her ass in the kennell.
I slept till almost noon today. I think the bottle of wine knocked me out. I needed some sleep badly so I only feel half guilty about it. I blame it all on the dogs. They were cuddled right up to me and didn't while to be let out so we all slept in.
I made some ~~hockey pucks~~ biscuits from scratch yesterday. Ummm, yeah. That's all I can say.
I am thinking about starting a cooking blog called Cooking For Dummies 101. Of course, only the recipes that turn out will be chosen. Like my enchilada crockpot meal last night.
I am scared about where we will live come the end of the month and if we are able to stay in this ~~one room shack~~ duplex how will we pay for it? Without unemployment our resources are very limited.
Somedays I feel like the worlds worst mother.
Yesterday wasn't the best day for me emotionally. I had this overwhelming desire to cry. I held it in.
Todays word is pensive.
I don't feel like packing up this entire place tonight so we can get our stuff in here only to have to turn around and move if we can't stay here.
Today is one of them days. The kind where all you want to do is run away. Or kill yourself. It's doom and gloom for me and I am soooo depressed today. I feel numb inside. I just feel like giving up.
I feel jealous for those of you out there that have homes and cars and jobs. I hate admitting that. I feel like white trash.
I have been missing my Mom. There is no reason elaborating there. I just miss her even though she gave up on me a long time ago. I miss having a Mom.
The holidays are coming which is never a good thing for me. The older I get the worse the depression gets. Holidays are th e absolute worst time of year for me. There have been a couple that were so bad I tried to commit suicide. I am fearful that th is year might just break me.
I live in the past because it is the only thing I can hold on to. The good parts that is. I would rather have a past than nothing at all. I have no future to hold on to and look forward to. God, I can feel the tears swelling up. I HATE this time of year. This fucking rain and gloomy weather is not helping.
I try to find one thing every day that I am thankful for. Lately, that has even been a chore.

Yeah, maybe my random thoughts weren't such a good idea. Sigh... It's bad folks.

All the blogs I visit are always so happy and funny. They are positive and some even have rainbows and sunshine shooting out their asses. If I were a betting woman I would bet that like me, so many have their demons that they do not share. I have had an online journal for 5 years now. I started journalling because I had a voice that needed to be heard. I needed to say the things that were inside me and eating away at me. I needed some random person outside of my little world that would listen and understand me. I needed to hear other people talk about their struggles and help me with mine. There are things I say here that I cannot say to anyone in my life. There are things I say here that have never left my own mind let alone my lips. I say here what I can't say to myself or anyone else. I say here the simple unadulterated truth. The good, the bad, and the very ugly. I have to have a place to let it all out. I am a pretty unstable person. No, not as in a crazy lunatic, just a person who has all these demons and feelings that have been locked away and now as I put them out there, I am trying to put the puzzle together. I feel like a puzzle. Even I don't know who I am or why I am the way I am. All I know is I hurt. I hurt down to the last bit of my heart. I hurt. I feel shame, guilt, sadness, longing, so many things wrapped up and I put them in a cocktail glass. Shaken, not stirred.

Set Me Free

2009-11-18T16:14:00.001-06:00

Just a song I love. I so feel it. Like today as I worry my head off about being homeless at the end of the month. Sigh....today is one of them days. Yup, doom and gloom all around me and in me.

It hasn't always been this way

I remember brighter days

Before the dark ones came

Stole my mind

Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead

Fighting voices in my head

Hoping someone hears me crying in the night

And carries me away

Set me free of the chains holding me

Is anybody out there hearing me?

Set me free

Morning breaks another day

Finds me crying in the rain

All alone with my demons I am

Who is this man that comes my way?

The dark ones shriek

They scream His name

Is this the One they say will set the captives free?

Jesus, rescue me

As the God man passes by

He looks straight through my eyes

And darkness cannot hide

Do you want to be free?

Lift your chains

I hold the key

All power on Heav'n and Earth belong to me

You are free

Casting Crowns Set Me Free

*it's on my playlist if you want to hear it.

Starving Dogs....

2009-11-18T12:42:00.000-06:00

...will eat anything!

Ok, they are far from starving. I mean come on, does Fat Bastard look like he is starving?

Starving dogs don't sleep so contently or quietly nor do they look so big and fat. We are on day two of no dog food. I have the money to go get some I just need the hubby to take me into Eugene. My DL expired while I was in Texas so I have to schedule a time to go take the test..both of them! A mere $73 later and the written and driving test later and I will be legal again.

Anywho, I am feeding them so don't go all Dog Whispering Animal Cop on my ass ok? Matter of fact, they are eating better foods than their actual Petco brand of Nutro. Yesterdays menu consisted of a mixture of dog treats, cold cuts, raw eggs and the shells, cheese, apples and carrots. This mornings breakfast consisted of bowls of fresh apples, mozzerella cheese, ham, and then their Brewers Yeast and Garlic supplements. So, yeah, they are being fed well. I do not usually feed my animals any human foods but most of our animals have been on the BARF diet which is all raw food. I am actually in the process of converting these two completely over to raw. It is so much healthier for them and their coats and poop show the difference. Yeah, I said poop!

So, the only human food they get from me ( my DH is another story) is raw fruits and vegetables, raw eggs, cheese and meat. The brewers yeast and garlic helps keep the shedding down, fleas don't like it, and it makes a beautiful shiny coat...plus it helps the skin. Jack Russells are known for having allergies and skin issues. Our dogs are not on any kind of flea meds and they rarely have them on them.

Can you tell I am a little into my pets? I try and be the best pet owner I can be. They are my family. They better be damn it because I just gave them the rest of my apples, my lunch meat, and all of our eggs LOL I will go without just as I would with my human kids. I seriously am going to the store today.

The sun is shining outside and I am going to enjoy the living hell out of it because another storm is moving in bringing loads more rain and high winds. I am going to try and take the dogs for a walk down to the river today before the weather gets ugly. I just have a shitload of crap to do.

I do have a bit of good news. Now I know, I know, calm down...you cannot believe that came out of my mouth but I really do have some good news. SHUT up people, I do occassionally have days where it's not all doom and gloom! I swear. No, realllly.

I got a muthatruckin'job bitches! Can you believe it? Now I don't have to ~~sit on my fat ass doing nothing all day~~ stay at home by myself all day anymore. Ok, so it's not that great of news because it is only going to be 2-3 days a week waiting tables down at the Outfitters Bar & Grill. I can walk to work and it will only take 5 minutes tops. It won't be much money at all but honestly, I will take it. Any money will help out PLUS my husband can sleep better at night not worried about the gun in the room killing his bitch ass. I need out of this house for my own sanity. I need to feel useful. I need to meet people in this town since I know not a single soul. That and it will be so nice to get off of work, go into the lounge, and have me an uninterrupted drink before I get home! Cuz we all know how much the hubby hates for me to drink and have a life. Well, he wants me to have a life just not one that includes alcohol or going out with the girls on any kind of a regular basis. Like I said in my last post. I love him. He is my life, but, on some days I hate the bastard. Like this morning for example. Yeah, wanted to kill his bitch ass.

Anyway, I took the orchids from the Youngster and I photographed them yesterday. It gave me a good reason to get behind the lens. I do love flowers of any kind but these in particular are my favorite. I am not the best at taking pictures and my camera sucks complete ass but who really cares if it makes me happy right?

Momma gotta be happy or the whole world goes to hell in fucking handbasket.

Feel free to check them out on my photoblog. The address is on my profile.

Oh and one last thing. Did you happen to see my new banner I made myself? I decided to rename this blog and I quite like the name.

I feel shaken every day. As in my brain for instance.

Yes, I know, I am unstable. I kinda like that. It adds to my mystique and charm.