My Empty Arms

Why It Works

2011-04-30T17:50:00.000-07:00

Chris is my boyfriend :D I love him and I know he loves me, but like every couple we have our disagreements. Unlike a lot of other couples, however, our disagreements never become full fledged fights. I hadn't really thought about why until the other day at work.
I was looking at a poster, in a kindergarten classroom. It was about playing fair and it listed a few rules. I found that with the exception of one rule, Chris and I were following these children's rules for getting along when we disagree. I also thought that if other couples could try them out maybe their arguments would be more productive and less destructive.

Rules:

1. Don't use unkind words ~ In grown-up terms.... Don't swear

2. Be willing to discuss the problem ~ Seriously how can you solve a problem if you don't talk about it?

3. Be willing to listen to each other ~ If you aren't listening a simple misunderstanding can tear apart a relationship.

4. Be willing to walk away to calm down ~ This is actually the one I have trouble following... I prefer to solve the problem right then and there, but I do understand that sometimes people are too angry to talk right then, and maybe it's best to back off and talk later.

5. Be ready to make a plan together ~ This is the hard part for a lot of people... Compromise. Talk about what you both want and then figure out a way to make it work. It's not about winning, it's about coming up with something that works for both people.

6. Be willing to apologize ~ Again, it's not about winning or losing. I wonder how many relationships end simply because one member isn't willing to admit that they were wrong.

7. Be able to control your anger ~ Yelling, swearing, throwing things, slamming doors, threats, violence.... none of that is going to solve the problem.

8. Be ready to compromise and meet in the middle ~ This goes back to number 5... which tells me that it's probably the most important and should be self explanatory.

Now I don't claim to know anything about relationships... Actually this is the first relationship I've been in that has a real chance of succeeding. But we love each other, and I think that we can make it with a lot of love, respect, and understanding.

a New Year

2011-04-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I wrote. With the new year things got better, which is kinda funny since my father said he was sure they would this year.
I love my job.m I'm now working in a kindergarten classroom and it's great. I feel really appreciated.
Alex is doing well. He's mouthy, creative, bad mannered, artistic, intelligent and constantly gets in trouble in his pre-k class... all in all he's a normal five year-old boy.
I have a boyfriend!!! Yay!! We've known each other for almost a year, but in the last few months things have started to get serious, and I really love him. He's my best friends too.

So things are better. I still think about Anna constantly. I struggle with what happened. The decisions I made, the pain I feel. Nothing will ever change all of that, but slowly, very slowly, I am learning to live my life.... And it is good.

Christmas

2010-12-21T17:38:00.000-08:00

As I was driving to work this morning I was contemplating the meaning of Christmas and I realized that more than once, God has sent a child to teach a lesson.
He once sent his own son to teach the world about love and in a less grand, but no less profound way, he sent me a child to teach me about love.

Kids

2010-12-05T15:11:00.000-08:00

My son is almost 5. At his recent well-child check-up his pediatrician told me I should make sure he doesn't gain anymore weight "until he grows into his current weight" he's 42 inches tall and weighs 43 pounds. But two days later, his preschool teacher tells me she's concerned because he is so thin you can see his ribs. I think we have become a society so concerned with numbers and statistics that we are not even looking at the individual child. If your child is outside for an hour or more a day and practically crys when it is time to go inside, then he can probably have that slice of pizza or a brownie. If your child looks at going outside as a punishment then maybe skip that extra snack. If parents took responsibility and monitored their child's habits, not just their eating habits, but their playing habits too, then we wouldn't have this problem... and btw the motion sensing video game is not a substitute for going outside and playing tag, or really learning to dance.

But I suppose the real problem is that for a young child to go outside and play, the parent would have to get up and go with them... and aren't we all so busy? Im not, yes I froze my butt off today taking myson outside in the snow, but he's worth it. He's worth not turning on the computer till after the sun goes down, and not watching tv, not talking on the phone. My child is worth getting up and playing with, and yours should be too.

My "Naughty" child

2010-12-05T14:15:00.001-08:00

Alex, for the most part, is a good boy. He doesnt bite, or scream, or steal, or draw all over the walls, but he does seem to have some issues and I am at the limits of my patience with him today.
Sometimes Alex will get upset over things that don't make sense. Today he was determined to believe that his coat wasn't his coat simply because it wasn't where he had left it. What followed was an hour long argument about him needing to put on the coat and him arguing that "the other kid" would get mad if he took his coat. There was no other child that this coat could have belonged to. We were at my father's house, it's snowing like crazy outside, all I wanted was for him to put on the coat. He cried, he screamed, he collapsed in panic. What could possibly cause him to think this wasn't his coat?
I know alex displays some symptoms of OCD and severe anxiety. He once tried to change the empty toilet paper and I later found a whole roll in the garbage that he informed me was messed up because it had torn when he tried to start the roll. My sister told me that she found five unopened cheese sticks in the garbage, he told her that he couldn't get them open so they needed to be thrown away. Just a few minutes ago I caught him throwing out a new pacage of hot dogs because he had tried to open them and the package had torn.
I'm seriously lost about how to correct this behavior.

New

2010-11-11T12:59:00.000-08:00

Well I haven't posted recently. I've been doing ok, just have a serious lack of internet connection. :( Anyways, life is ok, I started working in an elementary school, I think it's been really good for me.

Trying

2010-09-05T16:11:00.001-07:00

I need to move by the 18th of this month. I thought I would be moving in with my sister, but she doesn't seem to be making any progress at finding a place. I'm a little distraught at the moment. I know I will find something, it's not like I'm gonna be homeless, but I'm so frustrated. I just want to have a home for Alex. He's gonna be starting kindergarten next year, and I would hate to move again once he's in school.
My father was getting on me again tonight, he means well, but it all just feels he hopeless. He wants to know why I don't go back to school. It's not that easy I tell him, someone has to be able to watch Alex at night in order for me to go back to school, and although he says he will do it, I know that is not always possible and professors don't understand that my daddy is too busy to babysit. My ability to have a babysitter has always depended on the whims of my family. It doesn't matter if it's for work or pleasure.

I'm trying so hard to get my life in order, but's it's like that old saying, I take one step forward and two steps back. I would love to finish school. To be honest never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that at 26 years old I'd be sitting less than a year away from a teaching degree and completely stuck. Most of the time I work as a teaching assistant or even as a substitute. sometimes I do crisis intervention, other times I do one on one tutoring. I work in education like I've always wanted, but what I am qualified to do doesn't pay all my bills. On the bright side I have great health insurance (as evidenced by my recent surgery). I guess I always thought that by the age I am now I would have a career, a home, and a family. I guess I fell off that path somewhere along the way.

I have some amazing friends right now. I've never felt like people who weren't related to me cared so much. *S* took me to the hospital for my surgery, she stayed for the entire procedure. She took care of me, at her house for the next two day. ~T~ Came to the hospital as well, he also came back to the house and helped *S*. He brought me lunch and dinner, he calls and texts me all the time just to check on me. (V) helped take care of me too, he entertains me and calls me randomly, when I least expect it, just to see if I'm okay. And "C", will probably read this... he called to check on me while I was at the hospital, even though I know he was at work and he had to have taken time away from that work to do it. He also called later to check on me again. He talks to me and keeps me company, via messenger, at night when I am loneliest. I can tell these people care about me and I don't know what I ever did to deserve it, but I care about each of them. I hope they realize that. I've never felt so cared for. It's an amazing feeling. I feel like if I had had friends like this when I had Anna, I would not be as bad off as I am today.

It's hard

2010-08-19T15:52:00.000-07:00

Today it hit me that Anna's second birthday is in three days... I can't belive it's been two years since my little angel came and went so quickly. I called my father, I don't know what I was hoping for, but when I reminded him of the upcoming date, I felt as if he was brushing me off, I know he doesn't mean to, I guess he just doesn't do emotional stuff, or he really was busy with work. I know my father loves me, I guess it's just hard for him. My sister didn't do any better, I guess we just aren't that type of family.
I've cried a couple times today. I just remember her looking up at me, and then her eyes closed and she kinda sighed and then I knew she was gone. I didn't need a doctor to tell me, I felt my heart break in that moment, a part of my heart had left this earth.
I can't stop crying, I need to pull it together, for my own sake, and for Alex's sake. This can't be healthy, but I feel as if I am not quite done greiving.

Sick!!!

2010-08-06T10:38:00.000-07:00

Sooo... I have been sick for a while, but I always think it will go away on it's own. A couple tylenol, and some rest and I'll be all better. This time It really didn't work out that way. My right side was hurting so badly it was worse than labor, my left side hurt, but not that much. This went on for days. I was downing OTC painkillers like they were candy just to get through the day. I went to work on monday. On tuesday I just couldn't get out of bed so I stayed home to sleep. On wednesday I went to work, I took my temperature in the morning, it was 99.5.... high, but not horrible. I arrived at work at 7:15, by 9:00 I couldn't handle the pain, I went to my car with a can of green tea, I took my temperature 101.8... not good, drank some tea... that stayed in my stomach all of 10.5 seconds. I walked to the school office and said I was gonna leave for the day to see a doctor. I went to the emergency room, and well basically after countless tests and scans they determined that I have the mother of all kidney infections on my right side, and a cyst on my left ovary that is so large they cant see the ovary anymore... So here I am laying on my couch a couple days later... the vicodin is making me drowsy, I hope I look better now than I did in the hospital though, A friend told me I looked like a washed cat, tossed out in the snow. I would have laughed if it didn't hurt so much.

I feel better, but life isn't always good

2010-07-27T17:45:00.000-07:00

Since I started this blog, I feel better. It has been wonderful to be able to let all of my frustrations out.
This weekend a friend was killed in a car accident. I don't know that anyone knew we were friends. I mean everyone is friends on Facebook and Myspace, but he really was a friend. We chatted often through messeneger. I found him to be much more likable as an adult than I had in high school. I've lost count of the people I knew personally who have died. I sometimes wonder if I will have any classmates left when it is time for my high school reunion.

None of my Exs live in Texas

2010-06-25T15:52:00.000-07:00

At least I don't think any of them do....

I saw Anna's father the other day when I was shoe shopping with a friend. Who knew after five hours of searching that they would have the sneakers she wanted, in her size (11) at the sears he works at. At least we found the shoes, I really wasn't up for another day of shoe shopping.
Anyways, Anna's father is named Chad. He's something of a manager at Sears, which is where we met when I was working there. I don't have any bad feelings towards him. I do feel bad for him, because he is so unhappy. I've tried to tell him that you can't keep living your life with regrets (now if only I could practice what I preach).
Anna is gone, being miserable isn't going to bring her back. I know that Chad always wanted lots of children. I really think he should find a woman to love, who will love him back, and try making some. I think he will be happy once he does that, unfortunately I also think that being so unhappy is preventing him from doing that. I really can't help him, not and stay sane at the same time.
I hold on to my own little bit of happiness by a thin thread. I need to stay positive to keep moving in life.

Father's Day

2010-06-20T10:16:00.000-07:00

Most people I know don't put much thought at all into Father's Day. I put way too much thought into it.
My father is my only living parent and I appreciate everything he has done for me.

My son, Alex, has never met his father, will probably never meet him. I feel badly about that, a boy needs a father. This year my father attended his school's father's day party, but in years to come will Alex be singled out as "the boy without a father"?
And I think about Anna's father. Is he hurting today like I was hurting on mother's day? Does he even think about her?
I wish I could have chosen better for my children's other parents. But hindsight is 20/20

Another day

2010-06-11T18:27:00.000-07:00

I'm often tired, cranky, short-tempered, and easily upset, but Alex never fails to make me laugh. I know I should punish him for some of the things he says and does, but it's really hard to look stern when I can barely keep from laughing.
I took a shower earlier and in my haste to get dressed left a puddle on the bathroom floor. Ten minutes later my son yells down to me "Mom, I think the F-ing cat peed on the bathroom floor!" (he said the actual word).... What's a mother to say?
He's four. He thinks everything should be done by the time he counts to three. He hates getting stuck in traffic. He's a constant backseat driver. He wants his own laptop (a real one, not the toy Papa bought him a couple years ago). He repeats most of what he hears at the most inopportune moments. He wants a job so he can make some money. He loves to snuggle. He has crushes on numerous girls at school. He eats ketchup with everything, even carrots. He always comes down before bed for a hug and a kiss. He knows what an octagon is, but claims to not know which drawer his clean underwear are in. His attitude and back talking make me want to scream, but then he looks up at me with those big blue eyes and asks for a hug and I melt.

I don't know how I got to have such a child, but I wouldn't trade him for the world.,

Today

2010-06-06T10:32:00.000-07:00

Today I am okay. I've been spending a lot of time with my friends. Life has been mostly ok.
Alex is getting older. In two weeks his Pre-K class is having a father's day party, they want the fathers to come in. I worry about this. It's times like this that it will be obvious to Alex and his peers that he is different, that he doesn't have a father.
It almost brought me to tears when I got the notice about the party. I don't want my son to suffer for my choices. I wouldn't give up Alex for anything, but I do wish I had the ability to give him a father of his own.
I asked my father if he would go to the party, I suppose a grandfather is better than no father at all. I really hope he makes it, I know he's very busy with work. If not my only option is keeping him home that days. I don't want my child to deal with other children who will notice that his father isn't there. I don't want him to have to explain to his little friends that he doesn't live with his dad, or see his dad.
I just want my son to be happy.

Dad

2010-05-28T16:48:00.001-07:00

Dad,
I heard this song today, I think it's called "a father's love" by Bucky Covington. It made me think of you.

"He checked the air in my tires
The belts and all the spark plug wires
Said when the hell's the last time you had this oil changed
And as I pulled out the drive he said be sure and call your mom sometime
And I didn't hear it then but I hear it now
He was saying I love you the only way he knew how"

I know you love me, just like I also know you don't really understand me. I love you to. Half the time I don't understand myself. I know you do the best you can. You've done better than most fathers would have. I know it's been hard since mom died, but you've been there, and you haven't given up on me.

I'm really trying to get through all the turmoil in my life, but it's hard. I never expected to be in this position in life. I never expected for life to hurt this bad.

So dad, I just wanted you, and everyone else, to know that you're important and special, and I love you.

Always,
Denise

Dear Alex...

2010-05-26T18:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Alex,

As "...the years go flying by
I hope you smile
If i ever cross your mind
It was a pleasure of my life
And i cherished every time
And my whole world
It begins and ends with you"

You are my son, my world. I don't know where I would be without you. You make me smile when I am sad, laugh when I am mad.

I know I am not the best mother in the world. I could have done better. I am sorry that I can't give you everything you need, especially a father. Just know that I love you more than anything. Without you my world would stop

I love you baby, I'll try to do better.

Love always,

Mommy

Life isn't fair

2010-05-24T18:46:00.000-07:00

As yet another family tragedy occurs;a family member lost a child late in pregnancy. I lay here in my bed and contemplate how unfair life, an death are.

As I've said before, I don't think my life is any worse than anyone elses, but sometimes it sure feels that way. I have friends who's biggest tragedy for the day is getting into a fight with their mom, I can't even do that, my mom's dead. Some of my friends complain about how much trouble their children get into. I have my son and although he get's into trouble, I thank God everyday for giving him to me and remember the daughter that I wanted so badly and how much it hurt to hold her in my arms as she breathed her last breath. My little sister recently had a baby I know she wanted, with a man I know she loved. In a tragic twist, he died before his only child was ever born.
Tragedy seems to follow my family. As soon as things are going well, everything gets dark again. I used to be a religious girl, as a woman I'm afraid I have given up on God more and more as everything I ever wanted has been snatched away from me. That's not to say I don't believe in God, it's to say I don't understand why things are the way they are... and maybe I never will.
My mother always said life wasn't fair... I now know how right she was.

Me

2010-05-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

It's hard to look at yourself from the point of view of other people, but lately I've been trying to do just that. I have found that maybe I'm too controlling, very negative and just a great big downer to be around. I've spent so much time only being able to see the bad in my life that I have missed out on all the good. I've driven away people who loved me because I was too self absorbed.
It's been six years since my mother died and nearly 2 years since my daughter died, maybe it's time to let myself find happiness...maybe

I wanna help

2010-05-24T16:36:00.000-07:00

Some days I think that I want to help women like myself. I think I would make a great motivational speaker, but then again how can I help people move on in life when I have barely moved on.

There is the part of me that wants to move on with my life. Enjoy life. Enjoy Alex. Get married, have a family. Then there's the part of me that feels it would be a betrayal to move forward. Does moving forward mean I leave my Anna behind? I'm sure it doesn't have to, but I can't see a way forward without leaving the past behind, and I definitely can't bring myself to do that.

Today

2010-05-23T20:21:00.000-07:00

Everyday I fight a battle, most days I feel like I'm losing it. Forming relationships is difficult for me. I find it hard to make and keep friends. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I think I lost my best friend today. It was already a bad day for me, I was angry, I miss my daughter, I just wanted a shoulder to cry on. I got mad at her because she wasn't being that for me. I picked a fight. I know it was my fault. She left and she probably wont come back.

My sadness has caused me to destroy relationships... I don't know how to fix this.

Quotes

2010-05-23T10:23:00.000-07:00

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976,

Children are not supposed to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, iv, 9, 39

Probably the most stressful and anxiety-provoking act in human existence is the separation of a woman from her newborn infant. The response to this, which humans share with most of the animal kingdom, is an overwhelming combination of panic, rage, and distress. - RUSKIN, IN HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994,16

Alex

2010-05-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

Alex is my son. Currently he is four years old. He asked me about his sister today. How do you explain death to a child?
Alex knows that people die. He knows that my mother died in a car accident "cuz she wasn't wearing her seat belt" he knows that his sister died. He knows she was sick. He knows she was in the hospital. Sometimes he asks why the doctors didn't make her better. Why we didn't give her medicine. We give him medicine when he's sick, didn't we want her to get better? I'm at a loss for words to explain that there are some types of sick that medicine can't fix. I tried once and he spent some time being afraid that he would get sick and the doctors wouldn't be able to help. I don't want my child to live in fear like that.
Children that young should live in a world where everything is good and boo boos are fixed by mommy's kiss. But he's smart and there was no way I was getting out of explaining the baby sister that came and went so quickly.
Life is hard, but it shouldn't be when you're four years old. Alex shouldn't worry about things like getting to sick to get better anymore. He should think about staying up late and taking his bike to the park. He should want to know which toys he can take outside to play. He should try to postpone nap time as long as possible. He shouldn't be talking about babies dying and hospitals. He's such a smart child and he asks such simple, complicated questions. Questions that don't always have an answer that I can put into words a child can understand, questions that I don't always want to answer.

A poem By Me

2010-05-22T16:34:00.000-07:00

This is a poem I wrote a long time ago, but it seems fitting.

Life Within Life
Innocence Surrendered,
Purity lost,
pain mingled with pleasure,
too high a cost.

Life within life
making a decision,
deciding for another,
embarking on mission.

Choices to make,
held in a hand
nervous and unsteady,
uncharted land.

Life in suspense
created by chance,
nothing so simple,
this deadly dance.

Babies, Everywhere

2010-05-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

Lately it seems everyone has a new baby. My sister and brother both have newborn daughters. Maybe it's just me, but it seems everywhere I look I see new babies and pregnant women. It has gotten bad enough that my son has declared I should "start making another baby" My aunt was nice enough to point out in front of a large group of people, that I can't have children. People can be very insensitive.
I've been told to "get over it" and that was rude, but I would have to say that the worst thing I've ever been told was "well she was just a baby, it wasn't like you'd had her for long." Why does it matter? Should I have loved her less because she only lived a short time? How should a parent measure their love? Does my father love me more than my younger siblings simply because he's had me longer? I highly doubt that. I loved my daughter just as much when she was a newborn as I would have loved her had she lived years.

I'm not trying to take away from your joy at having a new baby and I know that all the pregnant women and new mothers in the world aren't gloating about their ability to produce, but sometimes it feels that way.

Causes

2010-05-21T17:34:00.000-07:00

My daughter died of hydrocephalus. I thought I should let you all know what that is.

Hydrocephalus is due to a problem with the flow of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF), the liquid that surrounds the brain and spinal cord. The fluid brings nutrients to the brain, takes away waste from the brain, and acts as a cushion.

CSF normally moves through areas of the brain called ventricles, then around the outside of the brain and the spinal cord. It is then reabsorbed into the bloodstream.. Build up of CSF can occur in the brain if it's flow or absorption is blocked, or if too much CSF is produced.

This build up of fluid puts pressure on the brain, pushing the brain up against the skull and damaging or destroying brain tissues

Untreated hydrocephalus has a 50-60% death rate, with the survivors having varying degrees of intellectual, physical, and neurological disabilities.

The outlook for treated hydrocephalus depends on the cause. Hydrocephalus that is caused by disorders not associated with infection has the best outlook. Persons with hydrocephalus caused by tumors usually do very poorly.

Most children with hydrocephalus that survive for 1 year will have a fairly normal life span. Approximately a third will have normal intellectual function, but neurological difficulties may persist.

https://health.google.com/health/ref/Hydrocephalus

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