Ramblings of a Madman.

So, it's been awhile...

2010-10-21T13:26:00.004-07:00

Hi.
Yeah, I'm still here.
No, I didn't die.
Yes, I'm sure.
No, I understand that I look like the living dead today, there's a story behind that and I don't really want to get into it right now. Possibly ever.
But speaking of a story. I've got one.
It needs to come out and I'm going to give it the chance. With the blessing and encouragement of those closest to me, I have committed (I like that word) to write a novel in the month of November.
Yes, this November.
No, I'm not cra..... well OK, I might be crazy. I didn't get my psych degree so I can't really tell ya for sure. How about this; you read my work then tell me?
Sound like a deal? Fair?

Linkage to the synopsis soon...

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
122 deg 14'W 47, deg 17' N Alt: unknown

Prompt [Breaking Down]

2009-12-05T17:29:00.003-08:00

"SHiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! OhGodOhGodOhGod!"
"Damnit Jerry, if you don't shut the fuck up I'm going to put you in the trunk with our friend!", I screamed at him. I should know better, Jerry's not all that stable since that job in Sacramento.
"Shit! I'm sorry Davey, but that scared the shit outta me. You know how I am about being shot at.", Jerry whimpered back at me.
"But we're not being shot at dip-shit, the tire just blew out."
"I know that, but it sounded just like a shot, didn't it?"
I wrestled the Buick off to the side of the road, realizing what we had to do, to get to the spare. A dust cloud billowed up from the tires as gravel was spat out from the tires. Skidding slightly to a stop, I leaned back against the headrest and thought about how we were going to get this body out to the desert before is became more pungent than Jerry. Banging my head against the rest to sort things out. How the hell do I keep getting back in this mess? I was supposed to get out. I paid Mr. Green the debt I owed, twice over. But 'the life' just pulls you back under, like an east coast undertow.
"Awlright Jerry, lets get this done and get back on the road before some Goodie Two decided to help up and we're putting two in a hole instead of just the one."
The old doors creak as we get out and circle back to the trunk. Before I open the makeshift coffin, I glance around. Dry and barren, this way and that, though apparently we are 300 feet or so from the "Friendly town of Kasperville." Fucking great. The trunk opens like gigantic baby bird waiting for another juicy worm. Christ I hope this stiff is still stiff and not juicy.
"Jerry, grab the head."
"Oh shit! I'm gonna yak!"
We heave and yank on the roll of carpet wrapped around another schmuck that zigged when he should have zagged. Fortunately, he's still stiff. As the bundle of misfortune flops to the gravel, Jerry tosses up his cheeseburger, fries and strawberry shake all over his end. I should plug him right here and now, just to put us both out of this misery.
"DAMNITALLTOFUCKINGHELL!" I scream. There's no spare. What the hell is this? What do we do now. "Shitshitshitshit!"
"What Davey, what's wrong?"
"There's no fucking spare in this trash heap. Who's car is this anyway?"
"Dunno. I lifted it about an hour before you knocked off Mr. Krinsky."
"Wait, you know this.. this is a hot car? We're driving around in a hot car with stiff in the trunk, with out of state plates? Are you trying to get put away?"
"Well no. Mr. Green said to get my car, and this is it. This week."
"Jerry, so help me God I'm going to shoot you myself before this is all over, now grab Mr. Krinsky's puke covered head and get him back in the trunk."
After a heavy lift, we got the package back in the trunk, and headed off to see how friendly Kasperville really was.
It's only days into the new year, and lo and behold I've broken all of my new years resolutions and I'm going to commit my fourth felony.
I'm not off to a good start.

(This is a writing exercise from Writer's Digest Nov/Dec. Pg. 10)
Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
-122.27/47.19

What's your point of sail?

2009-03-13T01:54:00.002-07:00

They say "Life is like... " a lot. I find this funny, though I have been know to spin a philosophical tale as well. How can life be like something else when everything all combined is life. Or maybe I just don' t know what life is like. Or what life is. Or something. Whatever.

It does seem to me, of late, that a lot of people I know are not happy with life no matter what we say it is like. Whether this is just me opening my eyes to the world around me or just how things are now, I'm not sure. Of that, I'm certain. That I'm not sure. I think.

Life is like...
being out to sea.

Being out to sea can be calm peaceful at moments, rough and unpredictable at others. Beautiful and dangerous. Alluring and frightening. (It sounds like I'm talking about a woman, and perhaps that is why the ocean steals many a mans heart.) There are assumptions that we can make, patterns that we can recognize, yet there is no certainty. We can look at our charts and weather forecasts, we can watch the wave tips and telltales, we can feel the subtle shift of the breeze on our face, or we can hear how the wind rushes over the sails. The ocean will not an can not be tamed. It's all we can do but to make the best of what we know and what we have. At the same time, it's important to know that we have the ability to change course. To change our sails. When the sea is still and there's barely a breeze, we drop the jib and hoist the spinnaker; when the ocean is volatile, we reef the main, secure our harness to the life line and plot the best course we can. We don't control the wind or the sea, but we can adjust our sails and course. Control what you can, and understand what you can't control. What is your course, how are your sails set?
What is your destination?
When do you want to get there?
How will you know when you have arrived?
When you get there, what fantastic things will you find there?
What resources, (crew, boat, charts, experience...) can you call on to get you there? How can you put those to their and your best use?

What can you do RIGHT NOW to begin the journey?

Maarburg (dreaming of the sea)
Current meatspace coordinates:
Lost at sea... for now.

Dog or Hydrant?

2008-12-18T15:48:00.004-08:00

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant! - Unknown

After struggling for years with insomnia, (with a brief cure provided by an experiment with Polyphasic Sleep) I seem to be on the flip side of the curve. I am "sleeping" more, and feeling less rested. Not even sure where to go from here, try to sleep less? back to PolyPhasic for a few weeks? Double doses of Melatonin? For the last few weeks, I've averaged 7hrs of sleep a night. One would think that this multi-hour increase would give me a bit or respite from dragging ass all day.

Could very well be stress related, or diet, or lack of training, or worse yet, a combination of all of the above. (Too many commas? Yeah, I thought so too.)
Stress reduction.. might not be feasible at this point, yet the other two I could certainly do something about. Wish I had the energy to give a damn. Maybe this is one of those horsey/cart cart/horsey things...

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates: n21 18.845 w158 1.085 alt 17m

----------------
Now playing: Tool - Pushit (Live)
via FoxyTunes

Head Scratcher

2008-12-16T17:33:00.004-08:00

Do m/m couples have the "Toilet seat up/toilet seat down" argument like m/f couples do?

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
N21 18.763 W157 51.506 Alt 41m (give or take 48m)

Book Review: the dip by Seth Godin

2008-12-06T15:48:00.000-08:00

-cross post from my WordPress Page--

This book is a quick 80 pages that explains Seth's take on the what separates the superstars from the mediocrities. That is the Dip. If you are satisfied with being mid-pack, average, and never achieving your (or your company's) potential, then skip this one. 'the dip' is for the few among us that strive, that believe that we are capable of truly great things.

Quit the things that hold you back, and commit to those that will allow you to be the best in the world.

Since the book is short, this review will be short as well. It's a good read, with immediate applications to your life.

I'll give it a 10/12.

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates: N21 22.497 W158 1.584

I’ll start tomorrow

2008-12-05T15:46:00.000-08:00

I often make jokes about how I should start a Procrastinators Club, maybe tomorrow. Procrastination is often one of those simple things that stands between where we are, and where we want to be. Perspective, being one part of overcoming a stuck behavior pattern, is often the best place to start.

Words
The words we use, in thought and speech, are considerably more important than we tend to realize. Our choice of words, not only explains our perspective on things, is often shapes that perspective as well. If you’ve had problems with motivation and/or procrastination, take a moment to examine the words you use to define the problem.
Do you use use phrases like “have to” and “should” ? Most of us do. Let’s take a look at these common phrases and I’ll tie the perspective the provide/create and how it interacts with procrastination.
“Have to” is such a commonly used phrase that we might miss how dangerous it can be. You don’t have to do anything. When we say that, we are somehow taking the task and removing our acceptance of it. It ends up feeling like it’s forced on us from someone else, someone that has power over us. That power, that choice, to do something is yours, and has always been so. There are consequences for not doing things, yet the choice is yours. You don’t have to go to the gym. You either want to, or you don’t. Strip that phrase out of your speech patterns, and replace it with ‘want to’ and ‘choose to’ or if you’re adventurous, ‘looking forward to’. On to “should”… Says who? Who exactly are you letting choose your values, and direction in life? Who is telling you what you should do? Silly me, I thought you were in control of your life. Interesting.

Focus
I find my procrastination takes hold when the task is too large for me to see all the parts. In fact, there are a ton of things that I’ve put off doing, simply because I couldn’t see past the next big decision. One of the most important lessons I took from David Allens’ book Getting Things Done, is that the first step, is actually asking what is the next possible action. What is the next thing you can do? Slice down big projects or problems into smaller easier to manage pieces.

Expectations
Right behind changing your focus from the monstrous, to the minute, is redefining what you think success means. The higher the expectation, the more pressure you are putting on yourself. This often leads to “have to” and “should” sneaking into your language. You may or may not be familiar with the Pareto Principle, named as such, but you’ve surely heard of the 80/20 rule. I spin on this principle is that the closer you get to 100%, or perfection, the more time/effort/resources are needed to gain every percentage point. It is considerably easier to move from a 59% perfect project to a 60% perfect project than it is to get from 95% to 96%. Step back and look at what is really necessary for the project to be a success. Reassess how vital this project is, and to whom. Seek the perfection in the smaller slices of the project, and you will often see a better overall project.

Fun
Life - by it’s very nature seems to indicate that we will end up doing things that we would rather not. Bouncing back up to “have to” vs “choose to”, remember that you have the choice. If you’re going to do this thing that you’d rather not, you might as well try to make the best of it. Have fun with it. Name your files after characters from a movie, anthropomorphize the project or parts of it. Whatever you can do to smile while you’re working.

Sorry.. my rambling didn’t produce a nice little mnemonic for remembering the steps. I could go back and change them, but I’m not.

Maarburg- meatspace N 21 18.759 W 158 1.072 Elevation 35m

Got the time?

2008-11-13T16:36:00.000-08:00

Take a few moments.

They are yours for the taking. That itself is the point.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? George Carlin

All the time is yours. You might be trading it to your boss for pay, or sharing it with your friends, or keeping it to yourself; but it is all yours.
Are you making the best of it? Are you giving it to people/events that is not returning a dividend?
If so, stop pouring time into something that you don't want. It makes no sense and it is maybe the greatest source of frustration and unhappiness in your life.
It is time to change from "going through life" to "growing through life", and lack of time is the worst excuse.
Do it.
Do it right now.
Make that decision.
Move forward, and remember this mantra: "The question is not 'Can I do this?', but rather 'How can I do this?' ". That distinction will allow you the freedom to dream great things. It's time to be the hero of your own story.
Decide it. Dream it. Do it.

Invite me, I love adventure.

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
N21 21' 18.7 W157' 51.5 Elevation: 340ft

The Next Step

2008-11-07T14:23:00.005-08:00

In the last Post, we left off with, “what are you going to write now?”
Have you given that some thought, or are you comfortable in your hamster wheel? What are you going to write next?
What? You don’t know?

I see a lot of people that are sleepwalking through life. I guess, if that’s OK with you. It is not OK with me. Not any longer.
There is something special about life, precious. Our time here is short, yet we act like we are immortal. This shining moment, twinkling brightly only to fade. Life is like a snowflake, melting in the palm of your hand. Beautiful and briliant and short lived. Too many people fail to see that shining star for what it is and then only when its near gone.

Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life. -Bertolt Brecht, The Mother, 1932

It would almost be a crime to stand there with that perfectly formed crystalline structure in you hand, and be staring off at something else as it melts to nothingness.
Now is the time to look at the dreams you might have had, or even dreams that you currently have and decide if they are worthwhile. Are they? Are you worthy of those dreams? Are you willing to stand up and claim those dreams as your own. Will you put behind those dreams a plan, an unwavering drive? Are you willing to commit? There is no tomorrow, if you postpone these dreams, you risk them melting before you. Action is required. Now. This step from dreamer, do achiever takes less effort than you think. Do something different. Choose a change. I know, I used the word ‘change’. Big word. Lots of people toss that one around too. Here’s a little something to ponder. You can either act, or not act. Either choice is yours, and the outcome is what you’ve effected. The story that you’re changing is yours.
Got that?

My dreams are worthless, my plans are dust, my goals are impossible. All are of no value unless they are followed by action. -Og Mandino

Good. Since we’ve determined that what we can do is change what we do now, how do we go about doing that.? It can’t be as easy as it sounds, can it? Like most good questions, the answer is ‘Yes’ and ‘No’. Sorry to all those rigid black/white thinkers out there.

Let’s take an example and play with it.
The Job.
Let’s pretend (another word for practice), that your job is lame. It’s not what you want. For whatever reasons; the pay, the work itself, the boss, the cow-orkers, un-fulfilling etc etc.
For me personally, changing jobs is terrifying. When we have to make a change of that magnitude, it’s easy to take the easy way out and decide that the change itself is more terrifying than the reasons that caused you to consider the change in the first place. It’s easier to choose the evil you know over the fear of the unknown. That is the absolute best way to write a boring and disappointing book. So what do you do? You need to find out what will work. What will make you happy? The same mechanism that you used to determine that the book you’ve been writing isn’t the book you wanted to. Feelings. Feelings are emotional responses, and most times they’re a good indicator. Listen to them.
Use your feelings, and a little imagination to see what will work. Think about yourself doing a different job. Doesn’t matter if you think you’re qualified for it, but try to have some sort of reality check. If you’re 6’7” and want to be a Horse Jockey, you might need a reality check. Imagine yourself, first person, doing this new job. How do you look, act, how does it make you feel. Does it feel right? Imagine telling a new acquaintance what you do for a job, does it feel good to say it? Can you tell people what you do with a sense of pride and accomplishment?
If so, you have a new chapter to write. If it doesn’t feel right, then it simply is not. Remember, Wrongness can be defined by anything that is Hard and or Ugly. (Credit) If it’s not right, move on. Try this technique over and over till you find something that fits. When you find that thing, be it a job, or a person, or a hobby, new car, new home; whatever, you will know that you are on the right path. You will know that your book is going to be a better read.
Something you can feel proud of.

The reason most people never reach their goals is that they don’t define them, or ever seriously consider them as believable or achievable. Winners can tell you where they are going, what they plan to do along the way, and who will be sharing the adventure with them. -Denis Watley

In absence of clearly defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily acts of trivia. -Unknown

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
N21 21’ 18.7 W157’ 51.5 Elevation: 340ft

What did you write yesterday?

2008-11-06T14:32:00.002-08:00

I would like to invite you, dear reader, to take a moment and take an honest look at your life?

Are you happy?
Are you moving, consistently towards a goal?
Does your life have meaning?
If you were to die in six months, would you be proud of the life that you've lived?

Did you answer "No." more times than was comfortable?

Faber est suae quisque fortunae / Every man is the artisan of his own fortune. (Appius Claudius Caecus)

It is easy to forget, and I will even propose that some of have never known this simple truth.
We, individually, are authors. Everyday we write. Sometimes this writing is simple and clean, leaving both author and reader with a sublime feeling of satisfaction and achievement. More oft, the writing is at odds with itself, the surroundings, and even author and reader. Both are left confused, frustrated and wanting something else, anything else. This story, this Book.. is your life. Every moment you are creating another line in the book that will become the story of your life.

Take another moment right now, and look at what you wrote yesterday.

Read it aloud, how does it sound?
Do you feel happy with it?
Are you feeling proud?
Do you feel that, through the course of the day, you accomplished something?
Or was today simply the same characters doing the same thing they did before, perhaps despising it just a bit more? That gnawing feeling of apathy squashing the hope that was once there.

You are the author of your Book.
You.
Not your mother.
Not your father.
Not your church.
Not your boss.
Not your spouse.
Not your friends.
Not society.
You and you alone, write every word. Even when you hand the pen to someone else, it was you that made that choice.

Not happy with that? Not happy with how your life is? Look to yourself first, as every word was written by that pen in your hand.

Now, since you've written this all in pen, no eraser is going to change the plot as it has developed so far. I have investigated, quite thoroughly, the option of time travel. Not finding any reliable sources that can provide time-travel guarantees, we need to cross 'fixing the past' off our options list. Compounding that is the whole "Grandfather Paradox" that has me a bit concerned. We very well can't undo or redo the things that have happened. The future is out as well. Since it is not yet here, it cannot be changed. That leaves you with the now. The only thing you really have is right now. This bright moment. Right now, decide if you liked where your Story is going or you want to change the rest of your Book. You hold the pen in your hand right now, wet ink slowly pooling at the tip. The question of the day, the question of your life, is "What are you going to write now?"

Things to ponder:
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back. -Turkish proverb
I have smelled death and stared it in the face as the last glimmer of consciousness faded from the eyes of a man whose head I held in my hands. My greatest fear in life is not death, but waking up some morning ordinary and predictable. -Jeffrey M. Deuel
In absence of clearly defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily acts of trivia. Unknown
It's not how much you have, but what you do with the time you have....Gandalf in Lord of the Rings
Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives. -A. Sachs
Rage, rage against the dying of the light! Do not go gentle into that goodnight! -Dylan Thomas
Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. -Ferris Bueller

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
N21 21' 18.7 W157' 51.5 Elevation: 340ft

Ready for a Challenge??

2008-09-23T09:19:00.003-07:00

I love a challenge.
Sometimes, I bite off more than I can chew, and that's fine too. I would rather attempt something beyond my abilities and fail, than to sit idly by and sleepwalk through life.

I'm contemplating a challenge that most certainly is on the far side of a stretch for me, and that makes me want to do it all the more.

I will be out of the country for most of October, but November happens to be National Novel Writing Month. What the Hell is that, I can hear you mumble... well, it's an attempt to write 50,000 words in one month, hopefully a novel. The time constraint of attempting to do this in one month puts the focus on output, rather than quality. Funny enough, this type of constraint can be very helpful to overcoming barriers that we sometimes impose upon ourselves.

I'm still not sure that I'll be participating, but certainly the concept is enticing.

What say you? Wanna play?

For more info: http://www.nanowrimo.org/

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
Latitude = 35.1370, Longitude = -106.5889

Right Now

2008-09-18T09:29:00.001-07:00

It is incredibly easy for us to get caught up in the 'day to day' of
our lives and forget that each moment that we have is precious. It's
precious for the single reason that it will never happen again. Whether
you sitting on the bus on the way to work, in your bosses office on the receiving end of a negative review, holding your six month old baby, or
landing that contract that will put you on top of the sales dog pile
this quarter; each of those moments are only there.. for a moment.
Then
they are gone.
Sure, we can hold on to memories of these moments, we
are particularly good at holding on to the rotten ones. In doing that,
in looking back, we are ignoring now. Ignoring the moment we have now.
It will never be here again.
When you are talking with your boss, are you really paying attention to what they are saying, or are you trying figure out how to get our of their office as quickly as possible?
When you are with you spouse, are you fully present, or are you thinking about what's on TV?
When you are helping your child with their homework, are you still at work?

Attentiveness is the natural prayer of the soul. -Nicolas Malebranche, French priest, theologian, and philosopher, 17th century

Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero - Seize the day, put no trust in tomorrow.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. Ferris Bueller

Be
open to your dreams, people. Embrace that distant shore. Because our
mortal journey is over all too soon. -David Assael, Northern Exposure,
It Happened in Juneau, 1992

Like I said, this is an easy trap to fall into. Our lives have become every more complicated. We are trying to accomplish more things in less time. My question here is whether or not you are doing justice to the things that you are trying to do by splitting your attention.
Be here now.
Pay attention.
This moment is tenuous, and fragile.

Now.
It's about now.

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
Latitude = 35.1369, Longitude = -106.5888

The Conspiracy

2008-09-13T20:13:00.003-07:00

I awoke to find myself asleep in my hotel room. Seems I failed to make it to the bed, and spent the night in the chair. It also seems that this is not my room. I mean, it looks like my room but its all wrong. Looking over the room, things looks almost normal. My suitcase is on the end of the bed, where I remember tossing it. But that's not my suitcase. It's close, but it's not the same. Event he empty mini-wine bottles on the table seem, almost right. There are pages missing from that notepad that the hotel leaved by the phone, and the pen! Then cap is missing from the pen! This isn't my room! I look, and can tell that this is all a charade. Someone's fing with me!
When I try to stand, my legs seem unsure, unused. The fail me and my knees crash hard onto the floor. I fall forward into the bed.
Pulling myself up, I gain my legs again underneath me. My clothes are strewn on the floor. With desperate speed I ball my clothes up and raise myself back up.
Slowly and arduously I make way to the door. I have to find my room. Not this, this copy cat. This sly and evil misdirection.
Who is doing this? Who would do this to me? It's of no matter. Once I'm in my room, with my things, then I can start to figure out who is behind this.
Through the door and out to the hall, the maid stares at me with shock.
"Help me find my room!", I implore to her.
"But Sir, that was your room.", she replies.
"No! That's a copy of my room, not the same at all, don't you see?"
"Sir, that was your room. You are confused. Please Sir, go back to your room."
I scowl at her. Frustrated by her inability to believe me, I turn and run down the hall.
I must find my room.
MY room.
Not this fabrication. Not this deception.
Down the hall I run, clothes in my arms.
No one..no one will believe me.

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
Unknown.

A Parable of Priorities

2008-09-12T15:44:00.002-07:00

The Business Man and the Mexican Fisherman

An wealthy American tourist was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The tourist complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."
The tourist then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"
The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs."
The tourist then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."
The tourist scoffed, " I can help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You could leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you could run your ever-expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman considered this for a few moments then asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
The tourist replied, "15 to 20 years, with my help."
"But what then?" asked the Mexican.
The tourist laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions?...Then what?"
The American smiled broadly and replied, "Well, then you could spend your days doing exaclty what you want to do!"
The Mexican seemed to ponder this for a long moment and finaly replied, "I already sleep late, fish a little, play with your children, take siesta with my wife, stroll to the village in the evenings, sip wine and play your guitar with my amigos."

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
Latitude = 35.1369, Longitude = -106.5888

On My Mind

2008-09-11T09:13:00.001-07:00

Recent google searches I've made:

congestive heart failure
congestive heart failure more:alternative_medicine
vascular dementia
vascular dementia more:condition_treatment
hospice
blood clot
deep vein thrombosis

G-ma visit.

2008-09-03T21:54:00.001-07:00

Went to see G-ma today at lunch.
She had just come back from her own lunch. I could tell almost instantly that things were better with her. Kellee drove me, and I brought her in to meet G-ma, who she's heard much about. Looks like the new hospice, Bee Hive, no has the pain med schedule correct, so she was not in any pain.
She was still unable to identify what day it was, or remember how to use the phone.

All in all, she looked and seemed much better, not that I have illusions that she's getting better, but she looked better.

Update

2008-08-29T08:03:00.002-07:00

As many of you know, my Grandmother's health has taken a turn for the worst. She has been moved to hospice, but has been in pain since she was moved there.

I've flown out to try and spend some time with her.

This Sunday, we will be moving her to another hospice facility with, hopefully, a higher level of care.

Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life. -Bertolt Brecht, The Mother, 1932

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
long: -106.6 lat: 35.1

There must be a reason that life is a four letter word.

2008-06-25T13:18:00.002-07:00

I'm beginning to think that there is no balance, and no equilibrium. Security is certainly a myth.

I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
-NIN

Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis. -Martha Beck

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
21 18'44.41N 158 01'04.66W elevation 225ft

Limits

2008-05-06T03:49:00.003-07:00

Limits.
I think it's important to have limits.
Restrictions.

Sometimes, those restrictions guide us in our behaviors. Remind us of right and wrong. Something to hold society accountable for. These are good things, for the most part. There are even times when we can use restrictions to force our minds to come up with a solution in a different way. These 'creative restrictions' help to force us out of the norm, the expected. Perhaps I'll write on that one day as well.

Some limits are of a more tenuous nature, those that we set for ourselves. Some are so ingrained into how we think, that we don't see them. Fear can be the seed from which these grow. It's much simpler and far less frightening for us to say "I can't do that.", than it is to take a risk. Risk failure. Truth be told, most people never take the time to find out what they are capable of. Where their true limits are, for certainly there are limits. Pretending, or supposing, to know where they are, can be a mistake. How do you determine if a particular limit is a self imposed limit, or a real limit? With in the bounds of common sense and safety, the only real way to know, it to test.
Challenge a limit.
What are you capable of? Do you know? How hard have you pushed yourself? Most people don't bother. These are the Sheep. Willing to let other people think for them. To busy trying to fit into a mold that the collection of Sheep deem most appropriate. Usually this means blending in with the other Sheep. Moderation in all things, they say. Bah. Rubbish. What does moderation give you? Safety or Boredom? Cage or Freedom? Moderation tells you to sit on the couch and stuff Funions in your face. Don't push yourself too hard, you could get injured. Be safe. Stay home. Don't challenge yourself. It's not worth it. Moderation is at the core of our societies mediocrity!

You don't really want to know what your potential is, do you? “But”, you say, “It's too hard to reach that goal.” Yes, it might very well be. Then again, that goal might be closer than you think. There seems to be a balance in this world (leaning ever so slightly towards entropy, of course), and perhaps you've heard these before:
*Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
*Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat. -Theodore Roosevelt
*I believe that one of life's greatest risks is never daring to risk. Oprah Winfrey Are you chasing your goals? Challenging yourself? Growing? Or have you stagnated. Unmoving like brackish pond water, breading disease?
*As I see it every day you do one of two things: build health or produce disease in yourself. -Adelle Davis
Sometimes it just seems so damn hard to get any closer to your goal. Too many obstacles, too many roadblocks. Or are there? Really? Could some of these things be of your own creation? I now that for me, that's more often the case. Fear, that nasty little toad, creeps in a creates a nice big challenge.
A brick wall.
*Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want something badly enough. They are there to keep out the other people. -Randy Pausch
Or a door that needs to be overcome with skill, wile, or cunning. (Or perhaps a Magic Key). I like the gate analogy the best of all. Oft times, you can see the goal, right through the bars. It's out of reach though. Most just shrug and give up. Over the last few years, I've taken to pushing myself. Searching for some of my limits. I have been surprised, on almost every occasion that what I had thought was a limit, was simply a gate. A brick wall to keep other people out of where I wanted to go.
One of those limits I tried to find had to do with sleep. Having suffered from insomnia for over 10 years, I wondered about how little sleep one really needs. On August 20th of 2007, I decided to try something called Polyphasic Sleep. The short version is that I was taking 20-30 minutes naps, six times a day. SleepLessBlog For 40 days I averaged 3.7 hours of sleep, sometimes getting as little as an hour and a half in a 24 hour cycle. (Hard to call them days when you don't have a core sleep to break up the day from the night) Most people, if you ask them, “Could you live on six 20 minute naps?”, they would most fervently say “No.” I did. I took up yoga, and wrote more in those 40 days than I had since college! Does that make me some genetic freak? Alien? Or simply an adventurer of life, willing to see what I'm capable of. I leave that as an exercise for the reader.
An ongoing challenge that I seem to be involved with is long distance cycling. “Long Distance” be a relative term, mind you. On May 3rd of 2008, I rode 126.4 miles, by myself. Took me almost 12 hours, including pit stops. To be perfectly honest with you, dear reader, I had serious concerns that this attempt would more than likely end in me calling for a ride. You see, the longest ride I'd done so far in the season had been 54 miles. You really don't know where your limits are until you push. Is 126.4 miles in one day my limit. Hardly. What is my long distance cycling limit? I haven't the foggiest idea. Could I ride 200 miles. I think so. 500 miles? Um, sure. I really don't know, and I certainly don't want to put a limit there that doesn't need to be there. I might find my limit. I might not. But I can tell you that it is something to behold when you walk (or cycle) right past something that seemed like a foreboding and enormous wrought iron gate, only to find that something as simple as doubting it's solidity allowed me to walk right through, as if I held a Magic Key.
*When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
What are your limits.
What is holding you back from what you want?
Challenge it.
I'm handing you a Magic Key that unlocks that gate.
Now, are you a Sheep content with mediocrity, or an adventurer of life willing to take a bit of risk to see what you're truly made of?

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates: Unknown

There's less magic now..

2008-03-19T18:08:00.003-07:00

CNN is one of the participants in the war. I have a fantasy where Ted Turner is elected president but refuses because he doesn't want to give up power.

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.

New ideas pass through three periods:
- It can't be done.
- It probably can be done, but it's not worth doing.
- I knew it was a good idea all along!

I don't believe in God but I'm very interested in her.

The greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion.

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

- Arthur C. Clarke 12/16/1917-3/19/2008

Factoid: Though most popularly known for this novel turned motion picture "2001: A Space Odyssey", he is also credited with the concept of geostationary orbit, sometimes called Clarke Orbit.

Mr. Clarke, you will be missed.

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
N21 21' 18.7 W157' 51.5 Elevation: 340ft

Sweet Lovin'

2008-03-05T17:21:00.001-08:00

In a break from the mental work that I like to write/think about...

A little tear just rolled down my cheek, that was so beautiful.

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
N21 21' 18.7 W157' 51.5 Elevation: 340ft

Headshake of the day.

2008-02-29T16:44:00.003-08:00

Think if a goal you have.

What is that goal going to give you?
And what is that (the answer from above) going to give you?
Keep repeating the second question until it becomes difficult to answer.

Chances are, you are left with a feeling. That goal breaks down to feeling a certain way. Loved. Proud. Sense of accomplishment. Feeling capable. Feeling in control. Needed or wanted. Admired. Appreciated. Security.
Or simply feeling happy.

But, you knew that didn't you.
Where do emotions.. these feelings come from. Are they simply electrical signals interpreted by the brain? If so, we are determining, by choice, the things that will trigger the feelings we want. What is stopping us from short cutting that process and feeling those feelings now?

Want to be happy?
Feel Happy.

Yes, it really can be that easy.

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
N21 21' 18.7 W157' 51.5 Elevation: 340ft

Ch-Cha-Cha-Changing...

2008-02-29T04:32:00.001-08:00

Few house keeping changes. Hope you like the new look.

Today was an odd day, to be sure.
Couldn't wait for it to be over. Unfortunately, time is a cruel, malicious bitch. The good times fly, and the drudgery and pain linger. Distracted and befuddled, I continue. The idiot box provided a brief distraction as did a nice strap torture session. (That there folks, is about as funny as I can muster ATM)

If you are going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
21 18'44.41N 158 01'04.66W elevation 70ft

Things I like 8222

2008-02-22T15:43:00.001-08:00

Links:
Nature will always win.

Music of the day:
Am I Evil? Metallica The Complete Garage Days...

Quote:
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink. --G.K. Chesterton
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --Anonymous

Maarburg
Current meatspace coordinates:
N21 18'43.98' W158 01'06.29
Elevation: 12ft
(accurate to within 11ft)

Things I Like 8219

2008-02-19T10:04:00.004-08:00

Links:Don't stand between me and my Coffee
Deep Purple (in Japan)
SnowGlobe!
PC Guitar Hero?
Beef Recall

Quotes:
It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. -Charles Darwin

He who hesitates is a damned fool. - Mae West (1892-1980)

Maarburg the Mad
Current meatspace coordinates:
lat=21.29; long=-157.84