Welcome to my world

Fighting For Joy

2012-01-29T22:03:00.000-06:00

"Something beautiful, something good.
All my confusion He understood.
All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife, but
He's making something beautiful out of my life."
(a song I remember from my childhood that was sung by a speaker named Ann Kiemel)

It often comes to mind when I sit open handed with nothing to give
When I've got nothing, I hand it to the one who takes my nothing and makes it into something...

I want to be writing about how great I'm doing, but I'm just struggling...
Fighting for Joy

I know verses on suffering... I'm not new at this
"All things work together for good to them that know the Lord..."
"Beauty for Ashes..."
James says, "Consider it joy...when you face trials of many kinds..."
2 Cor 4 "...don't lose heart, though outwardly we're wasting away inwardly we're being renewed..."
2 Cor 12 "...My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness..."
Psalm 55 "... cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you..."
...just to name a few

Preaching to myself, yet waiting on the Lord as He is the only one who can give me that peace that passes all understanding. I can't find it alone no matter how hard I try.

In the meantime, counting my blessings...

My dad brought dinner over twice, and he and grandma kept Belle and MA overnight so we could take Abby out for her birthday
My sister brought dinner and keeps me talking instead of retreating
Harju's brought dinner and cried with us on more than one occasion
Terrie brought a plant, GF dessert and some girl time distraction
Molly brought roses, chocolate and then disappeared upstairs to surprise me and help the girls clean up their rooms
Hatfields brought GF Salmon cakes, my favorite pudding and some much needed time with friends (until past 1am)
Tim cleaned my kitchen
Danielle brought chocolate for me and some candy for Andy, but really has been my shoulder to cry on for days now and done a lot more picking up than she has to :)
countless phone calls, texts, emails and FB messages/posts
unexpected, but sincerely appreciated cards to touch our hearts from the Pavola's & Brandon P. and the sweet gal who graciously rescheduled a Norwex party I was supposed to do last Monday
flowers and a card waiting for me by the door at church from the Miles
Dinner and a poem from a new friend... thanks Luke and Amber Olsen
Two Aunties plan to come over and help me clean up
Hugs and a lot of tears at church to mourn our baby with us

My boyfriend...A pair of earrings, several movies nights, getting the girls up and ready for school in the morning and to bed at night, boxes of tissues, a human pillow and permanent arms around me or simply holding my hand... infinitely thankful for the other half of this "two that became one" who has held me upright... even when the tears have turned irritable.

Knowing this won't be easy, but more importantly that I won't be doing it alone...
I've been asked how I'm doing a lot lately.
I can honestly say, "I'm not okay right now... but I will be; although it may take some time."

*What's your "go-to verse" when you're being hit hard? There were many shared on Saturday during Porterbrook, and I wish I would've written them down. I held my breath to keep from breaking down while others shared, so maybe you can help me out and comment here with your verse :)

"Ruthie"

2012-01-25T23:12:00.000-06:00

Many people say St. Mary's is such a big, cold hospital system; but we've often had a different experience. The past couple of days have been extraordinary, and I feel obligated to share it. I must be quicker to give credit when it's due. We're all too often "quick on the draw" when we experience sub par service, but how often do we recognize those who go so above and beyond? Not often enough :)

We were nervous as we headed into the OB department on Monday. I was twelve weeks gestational with our fourth child when I was woken up at 4am with increasingly harsh cramping and some bleeding. We haven't experienced anything like this before, so we weren't totally prepared for the events that followed. My doctor wasn't in yet as I requested an earlier appointment when my cramping and bleeding progressed, so I saw a different one who tried patiently to find the heartbeat, then got us in for an ultrasound quickly when she couldn't find it.

The sweet tech obviously had a pretty good idea that our baby had passed, yet she kindly and patiently recorded the evidence before she noticed the tears streaming down our faces. See, we have a child with a chromosomal abnormality, so we've seen many ultrasounds. We both instantly noticed that the baby wasn't moving and there was no heartbeat. The kind lady stopped and put her hand on me with a heartfelt, "I'm sorry." She was sincere and kind as she finished up quickly and got the doctor. We were escourted in to see my doctor when the sweet, young nurse looked sincerely distressed and offered us condolences when it would've been much easier to show us to the door and sneek away.

We were able to see Dr. Scott Johnson who was just coming into the office that day. We weren't on his schedule, but he took the time to walk us through this uncharted territory. If there was a way to ease our pain at that moment, he was a gift. He is always so sincere and throrough. We'd just been hit with terrible news, yet we needed to make some decisions but really needed some professional opinions along with the sterile options. He was able to work us into his surgery schedule the next day when we opted for a D & C as I was in a good bit of physical pain with contractions trying to pass the baby.

We had a few questions after we got home, from what happens to the baby's remains to needing some pain meds as my contractions were increasing in intensity. I spoke a few times with a nurse Sharon, I think, and she was so sweet. She even called back a couple of times to make sure our questions were answered and I had the pain meds that I needed.

The next day was mostly a blur as we went from expectant parents to mourning our loss in a hospital room awaiting surgery to remove our deceased baby. Everyone was really kind, but there were a couple of nurses and a doctor that really went above and beyond. They took the time to minister to not only my health, but also our hearts. It didn't take a rocket scientist to spot the difficulty we were having, but they chose to stop and take the time to care rather than rush by and attend to their busy schedules.

I'm still unsure if nurse "Ruthie" every really said anything at first. She just came close, took my hand in both of hers as I laid in pre-op, and smiled with a knowing look in her eyes. The tears came as I was so touched by her gesture. She leaned over and gave my husband a half hug too and we shed a few tears before we thanked her. She told my husband that she would be in surgery with me and that she'd take good care of me. Another nurse came by too and squeezed my hand as well and expressed her sympathy over our loss. The anesthesiologist was also a person I had recognized from my last surgery and he too took the time to be extra kind. No one questioned my husband being with me, and even offered him a chair. I know it wasn't optimal in the tiny space, but no one seemed to think twice about it.

Dr. Johnson was attentive as usual and took great care explaining the process. To top off our day that we thought would be sterile and lonely, aside from the plethora of love and support we brought with us via facebook, we were trying to remember the name of that sweet nurse that was in surgery with me. The nurse that discharged me actually went and checked our records to see if she recognized the lady we described under the list of nurses that had cared for me. She came back with "Ruthie." We wanted to make sure we made mention of her kindness to someone because it was so amazing, but almost wondered that she didn't exist, but was a visiting angel :)

I was being wheeled out when I entered the elevator and someone hugged me from behind... With tears of gratitude running down my cheeks I asked, "Ruthie?" She smiled and said, "yes" as she gave me a quick squeeze as we were ushered out of the elevator. All we could say was Thank you. We were so touched by so few words, a kind smile and gentle squeeze. What a gem and a reflection of true heart and caring. During one of our darkest times we were surprisingly touched by hospital staff who took the time to care.

Thank you!
Sincerely,
Allison & Andy Moore

Abby's Purpose

2012-01-16T14:06:00.000-06:00

I found myself tearing as I think about how difficult it is to console/encourage parents who have had a child recently diagnosed with a disability... especially if the child is not yet born. I recently re-posted a blog from a gal called "what I would tell you." It's easier to put that up on my blog and not have to look that parent in the face because I know some of the hardships they will encounter. While the good WAY outweighs the bad, the emotional pain is hard to express in the same breath and not sound gratuitous or fake.

I found myself breaking it down in simpler terms the other day and had to share. We often have to go back to the big picture to get a better look at the smaller ones. While the days may stretch your heart more than you ever thought you could be stretched, you may cry more tears of desperation, anger and happiness than you thought one person could have (often all in the same day), and the private world you esteem may turn into a glass box, what do you ultimately want for you children?

I want eternal life... Heaven. I want them to realize their sinful state, repent of it and receive the free gift of eternal life. Their sin debt has been paid, but they must believe. There is an age of accountability for which Abby won't reach; therefore, she will someday walk and talk with us in Heaven. This is the biggest one and it's covered!

Secondly, I desire for them to glorify God with their lives. I want them to love people, so the love given to them will flow through them and spill onto all who come in contact with them. We all choose whether or not we glorify God with our lives. We make that choice daily to die to self or to live for self. Abby glorifies God with just being her. God uses her, a willing vessel, to touch people's lives all the time! She affects people in ways I just never could... innocent and pure rather than fighting against being self serving.

WOW! wouldn't I want that for not only my kids, but also myself? Wouldn't it be great if I was so in touch with my God that my mere existence pointed to him? Talk about quality of life! Fulfilling a greater purpose without having to set my selfish desires aside every day!

I saw this video from a well known pastor today and it made me think about how often we sell a false bill of goods as Christians. Being "right" with God isn't the absence of pain & suffering. Abby deals with unfair pains that aren't a result of her "not living in victory!" God never promised an easy path, nor does a difficult path equal righteousness (in case you took this to the extreme). God is good, but a victorious life doesn't necessarily mirror that all the time.

Here's that video...

Porterbrook year 2: Living the Cross and Resurrection

2012-01-11T12:46:00.001-06:00

I'm in my second year of this course we're taking with our church. This month started with a loaded question and I'm wondering how to answer it? The question is...How would you sum up the central things that define you as a Christian? I started to list my strengths, but my writing soon took a turn to my weaknesses.
How do I define myself?
How would you define yourself?
What defines me or doesn't define me? I'm sure it will answer this all soon, but I like to foul it up myself before I get to a better answer, so here it goes...
This is what I'd like to be known for. There are glimpses of it sometimes, but I am a work in progress :)

Peace a midst the storms of this life. I walk a world of unknowns and scary realities, but I know the rock that holds me. My life has been redeemed and I know how this game ends... heaven.
Love... sacrificial, unexplainable, laugh-out-loud rediculous. I love based on the love I've been given rather than on merit
My journey marred with seemingly confusing twists and turns. If you understand the path I take than it may be logic or reason, but when I follow the God I love it doesn't make sense. "Yes, Lord" to anything you ask of me... anytime, anywhere... despite the mockers. I hold onto the cruise director and can tune out the naysayers and walk boldly. I've been sidetracked by what others say rather than holding to what I've been asked to do. I want to walk with confidence no matter who spits on me.
Truth seeker and truth speaker. I want to never stop learning. I want to continually be changing and growing in wisdom, but I don't aspire to spiritual obesity where I just take it all; but pass it on as I receive anything. Since anything I take in isn't originally mine, may I communicate with with as much humility as I exercised when I took it in.

I have a feeling this list will soon change, but there it is today...

What I Would Tell You...

2012-01-08T22:04:00.004-06:00

It's not that often that someone tells my story better than I do, but I couldn't have said this better. Get out some tissues and take a few minutes to read this...
http://www.whatiwouldtellyou.com/

Merry Christmas from Abby!

2011-12-27T13:03:00.000-06:00

The following is a video of Abby's Christmas present to us!

I didn't send Christmas pictures this year. It was just one thing I had to scratch off my list of "to-do's". I love getting everyone else's cards, so I did feel bad with each card I received but sometimes it's all just too much. In lieu of a Christmas card I thought I'd post a family pic that I would've sent :)

The main culprit for my lack of energy is morning sickness. Super excited for baby #4, but trying to sit still and keep food down has cast a bit of a shadow on my days. Looking forward to this passing, so we can dream about this new little life... more to come on that later :)

Merry Christmas to you all! Love and blessings from the Moores!

another diagnosis...

2011-11-30T09:40:00.000-06:00

My sweet girl went for a check-up yesterday. I was mostly interested in showing off my happy girl and wanted his opinion on who we should see now that he is leaving. He's one of the best doctors of all time that we've seen! Sure, I had a few random concerns in the back of my head that I compile for when we do visit, but Abby needed her asthma check up plan renewed for insurance reasons and I really wanted to get his reccommendation before he left. I secretly was pleased to show him Happy Abby, as well :) He's walked with us the past seven years and he deserved to see my sweetie, all smiles and giggles... She didn't disappoint!

What we got was a surprise diagnosis...

Her symptoms were so random we thought, but the occurances have been increasing at an alarming rate to more than once a week in the past few months. She's so stinking happy and sweet for the most part that it was hard to explain. It is like flipping a light switch. Out of nowhere, she will start making faces like she's super unhappy or in pain. She looks absolutely pathetic and miserable. This is more often than not followed by vomiting unless she gets to bed right away (a problem if we're not at home). We have a short window and it usually occurs in the evening, so we've just resorted to making sure she's home by six, preferrable five, at the latest. If we're home than all is well as she goes to sleep and wakes 12 to 14 hours later... perfectly fine. We've asked the doctors about the vomiting for years, but they just said kids like Abby do weird stuff... thanks, like we didn't know that! It's always been annoying to have to clean up all the vomit, but she seems so miserable that is is frustrating to not be able to do anything. I was just looking for some more Zofran to stop the vomiting. I thought it was mostly stomach upset and maybe that would help.

pain
squinting
just needs to be in her bed
vomiting
sleeps it off
car sickness

= migraines

I don't know how we never put it all together. We've often wondered about them because Andy gets them so bad, but didn't think too much on them because "one always rubs ones head when a headache presents," right?

not Abby. She's never indicated any sort of pain or hurt by grabbing the area. She just gets agitated, grabby, vomits and wants to be left alone to sleep.

We're charting for triggers, but pretty sure it's stress. She responds to stuff so untypically that it's hard to know. I was telling the doc that she couldn't go anywhere after school during the week or after church on sunday. We've been getting her bathed and ready for bed by six and that seems to help, but really I just thought it was overload, which it probably is, but she responds with a migraine.

Poor honey...

I'll be sad this week (because that's what I do)
Andy will do research (because that's what he does)
We'll feel sorry for her (probably some tears)
We'll feel sorry for us (and hate ourselves for being so self absorbed when she's the one in pain)
Then...
Like healthy people :)
We'll come up with a plan and start trying some meds unless a trigger emerges

"It's okay to cry... as long as you stop"

the road toward contentment

2011-11-23T11:13:00.000-06:00

I've been battling a lot of things in my head this past year, and I haven't had the clarity of thought in order to put it all into words... until last night. I don't usually write until I've "defined the enemy" and could put a label on it as such. I kept thinking my battle was lack of forgiveness, but realized last night that it was rather a lack of contentment. Just because the road we're called to walk is uneasy and perhaps outright painful doesn't mean it is the wrong road. I think He often allows us to walk rocky paths in order to stretch and grow us... as well as those around us. Sometimes we come through our journey beautifully with more grace as we grow, yet other times we settle into the muck and mire as if it were a hot-spring... pretending it is just where we want to be. We struggle against the pain and wonder if we got off track somehow or maybe we even start heading back, re-tracing our steps, in search of where we could've gone wrong? We may even be swayed by onlookers that will chastise and ridicule us because they, like me, didn't see (or feel) the arms that have been carrying me all the way.

He didn't bring us this far to leave us...
He didn't teach us to swim to let us drown...
He didn't build a home in us to move away (Dallas Holm).

Last night I took a big sigh and stopped fighting for my rights. I took a step back and realized this is the right path. It's good. It may even be better if I gave it a chance. We can sometimes spend our lives trying to get back to a time of normalcy and contentment instead of embracing the "new normal". When we fight against where we are, we're just wasting precious time wrestling in the thorns and complaining about getting pricked when all we need to do is take the hand outstretched toward us, get up and move on. There may be some green patches of grass behind you, but there may be full, green pastures ahead! Stop looking behind you and move forward. Shake off the weight that binds you down and take off. Move! Allow yourself to move. Run toward what He has instead of tip-toeing backward mourning what is behind. There is a time to mourn and a time to rejoice. Move on!

When He moves lives are changed, but when I push people to change there is resentment and uneasiness. It's similar in many respects to marriage. I don't want to convict my husband of anything because then I'm a nagging wife, but when I allow the Holy Spirit to work in his life, like he's doing in mine, he's forever changed. I need to look at others in the same way I view my marriage. I can let God work on them, like He is doing in me. It's amazing how powerful it is to just trust Him and walk away.

Maybe this is the road I'm supposed to be on? Maybe this is the place I was supposed to be? It's funny how profound the obvious can seem when I clean the smudges from my looking glass and see clearly. This might not be where I thought I'd be, but the road is indeed a lot smoother. There are less bumps. I can see clearly my Father in front of me leading the way. I don't hear the voices of the mockers today, but have a feeling if I did it would no longer matter. "I fix my eyes on Jesus the author and perfecter of my faith..." (Heb 12:2)

Ahhh...
anger and bitterness are heavy loads to bear...
Expectations I put on myself and others are burdensome...

I feel so much lighter today.

How many times will I have to walk this path again before I get it?
The word on the street is seventy times seven...

5 things you should know...

2011-11-15T08:51:00.001-06:00

I don't often read something I really like and want to reference or re-post, but this parent's blog was so familiar to me as if he expressed their family life as if it were mine. Please take a few moments to take it in For families like ours. Thanks (:

http://www.exceptionalfamilytv.com/blogs/families/michelle/five-things-you-should-know-about-special-needs-family

Halloween 2011

2011-11-13T23:24:00.000-06:00

We celebrated with our missional community on Friday night with a costume party. We challenged everyone to wear a costume or pay a buck. We voted on the best costume and the winner was to get the boot :) The Stepics came dressed as the incredibles and stole the show! It was a lot of fun and a chance for the kids to wear their costumes more than once! Here are a few pics of some of those who dressed up. Somehow I missed some :( ... us :) he!he!

The surgeon

the runner

The Asian princess

The Incredibles... and winners, of course!

MMA fighter?

the jester

queen spatula!

We had a lot of fun this year as it was our first year of trick or treating. We sought out to meet more of our neighbors and hoped at least a few of them so far out in the country would be handing out candy. Much to our surprise we have the best neighborhood! There were a ton of houses all excited to load our girls up with candy! The girls started out a bit timid with the idea of going to a strangers house and asking for candy, but soon they were tumbling over each other out of the van to "see more neighbors" as MaryAlice dubbed this fun game. We met all sorts of wonderful people and had a blast!

some pretty cool stuff

2011-10-28T09:06:00.000-05:00

Some pretty cool stuff...

Abby has the places she goes and isn't so fond of change to the point where she won't even enter her sister's rooms or ours if we don't purposely direct her there. Even with direction, she'll only stay a moment and move to "surer" ground :) On Sunday all of us where in our room watching a football game. Abby was in her room playing and made it quite clear that it was "alone time." When she was ready she crawled out of her room and started toward the bathroom when Andy began calling for her. I joined in and pretty soon she scooted down the stairs that lead to our room, climbed up on the bed and cuddled Andy and I for at least half an hour! It kind of just happened. She consistently looks when her name is called and even seems to follow a simple command on a regular basis.

In school she's joined the Kindergarten class at the beginning this year. She came into the class in the middle last year, so it's amazing how being there from the start has made her more of a member of the class than a visitor. The kids are more determined to connect with her. One little boy after only a week or two of school figured out that if he got close enough to her than she wouldn't pull his hair. See, she often pulls because we're all moving so fast right by her that it's the only way she can stop you and make you pay attention to her. If you're close to her and not talking TO her she's more apt to force your attention. She was pulling Mr. Steve's shirt repeatedly one Sunday, and Andy suggested he put his head down close to hers to see what she'd do. She leaned in and laid her head on him. She just wanted his attention. She also won't pinch anymore if you squeeze her hand... right. There is a certain way- very specific- method of squeezing she likes. If you figure her rhythm, she'll stop pinching you. If you're getting pinched or pulled, you're probably not paying attention enough or squeezing rightly :)

Yesterday Ethel said they were a couple of minutes late for circle time, so she (Ethel) was rushing around to get some stuff together and Abby continued to "her spot" without Ethel when one of the little guys jumped up, took her hand and led her the rest of the way to the group. Can you even stand it? He wasn't even asked, but took care of her without skipping a beat. Another little guy randomly got behind her and tried to help lift her up like we do. He wrapped his little Kindergarten arms around her and was trying to help get her up.

On Sunday one of the boys from her class at school randomly came up to Abby at church and was talking to her... like it was the most normal thing to do. I have no such expectations of kids... especially the ones who has been around and part of our lives for the past few years when we'd encourage them to keep a distance for safety. I don't even know how to teach them to interact, but they're doing it on their own! If you watch her, when a child (more her age) gets close to her she often throws her arms in the air and starts dancing. She does love to be around her friends.

I don't know who this little guy is, but I had to share
this pic from FB

Maybe you can't fully grasp how huge this is, but it's the main goal we have for her... IN LIFE! We want her to live in our world. We want our people to naturally interact and help with her, so she's seen more as a member of our family rather than a sideshow. We want our friends to get so used to her that they naturally interact with her rather than slip out of the way to avoid. her. It's one of the biggest reasons crabby Abby distressed us so much. We want people to get to know her, but when she'd attack everyone (including us), people where kind simply to tolerate her. We had to lower our expectations and adjust our goals, but then Happy Abby reappeared and stuff like this keeps happening!

It's part of who God created her to be. She somehow affects everyone who gets to know her in ways I can't even express. Maybe I can publish on my blog the lessons people learn from Abby sometime. Keep that in your back pocket and start thinking about it because it would be really great to compile. Especially, as I read so much about aborting kids like her for lack of quality of life! Think how the quality of our lives would be diminished without her.

Grab a tissue and check out this story...

HELP!

2011-10-23T15:12:00.001-05:00

I realize I troubleshoot better than most, but more heads might help :) Most of what I learn about caring for a special needs child comes from other parents or caregivers.

amazing bed :) The blanket on hanging over it is a homemade weighted blanket
my family and friends helped make one day! (with all the wetting through we have a couple, but could use more!)
We still need ideas to cover the glass on the windows w/o blocking precious sun up here in northern mn (:

Abby's car sickness and controlling bodily functions have been on the top of my list lately. She's actually making headway on staying dry much to my surprise. We've been putting her on the toilet for at lest four years now. So, if you're complaining about potty training I might not be a sympathetic as you would like me to be. Anyway, it seems like she stays dry if she's made to go every 3 or 4 hours, but otherwise she has no qualms about just going in her diaper. I'd almost not complain if she would consistently stop dirtying in her diaper. We've had stretches where she'd go every night for a month or so and then she'd go back to going in her bed. We've gotten used to cleaning her up after she's fallen asleep, but her newest one is putting me over the edge! She goes during the night or early in the morning when her diaper is already pretty full; thus, making a big stinky mess more often than not. This means changing her, her clothes and entire bedding every morning. Her bed is a godsend as Andy and my cousin built it, but it's downside is the difficulty with changing sheets. The mattress fits to a tee in the area to keep her safe, but it must be lifted in order to change sheets. I've been experimenting with different diapers, but it is also driving me crazy as I get whole bags of worthless diapers. If you've found an effective diaper for a size 12-14 child, I'd love to hear about it!

My other problem in need of assistance is car sickness. Abby has ever changing sensory needs. They range from under stimulated to over stimulated without any warning either way... just unsettled. She used to love to swing, to spin and go on big roller coasters. She would be happy and content for the entire day if we went to an amusement park, but on a special trip we took for her she turned green and that was that. We used to swing her from the swing we installed from the ceiling in our living room at least once a day. We did a "spinning program" (can you believe there is such a thing?) for awhile, but now she can barely swing back and forth let alone in circles. She also would listen to Vivaldi on her ipod and it would instantly calm her until one day she pulled them out and would have none of if from then on. We even tried several different headphones and a myriad of music genres before we gave up on that altogether. Her wheelchair instantly used to calm her after she started walking, but now she's in and out of it constantly. Going on a walk was "money" but now... maybe, depending on the day.

Vomit in general is her answer to a couple different things we're thinking, but yuk... next please! Any help on the car sickness? I've got nothing. We've tried everything I can think of, but I'm out of ideas. We're seeing a doctor in another week or so, but doctors often just troubleshoot along with us as they seem to want me to tell them what we need. Most of our "out of the box" solutions have come from other parents or caregivers. She does seem to puke when she gets too tired also. If she has to leave the house after school at all during the week or if she's not ready for bed by six, she's likely to turn green and throw up.

Arggg.....

On a side note...

She'll play with other colors, but not the new style with all the legs connected

These are all board books. The tigger book also comes in a purple background

Her other favorite is Curly's Friends, but I can't find a pic of that right now

She likes other Usborne "That's Not My _______" books too!

Rainbow Zebra is a cloth book. I've bought the material to make this book
and have had it made too

This also comes in white which she likes as well

This is one of the few items that is still sold in stores, but it's expensive and breaks easily
with her rough play

Singing Larry

The arm bands. I can't often find these ones that have bigger arm holes

old guitars of any kind or nylon strings to re-string the ones she has
She breaks the guitars after awhile, so we try to pic up used ones whenever we can

she loves to be pulled in a sled, but will fall out of normal ones
This is an ice fishing one, but is a bit pricey new

she also likes the veggie tales God Loves You Very Much book

This isn't annoying, but worth mentioning all the same. Abby has a series of toys/books that she likes. SHE DOESN'T LIKE NEW ONES! On occasion she will warm up to a new one, but the priceless look on her face when an old broken toy is replaced with a new one is so worth the effort it takes. We routinely find her toys at Goodwill, savers, yard sales or Amazon because they're all out of date or too expensive to pay full price when she breaks them so quickly. The following are pics of her favorite stuff, so if you happen to have something you're getting rid of... :) Or if you're a yard sale person, maybe you can keep an eye out for some of our things!!!

xylophone puppy... not the alligator or any other one (we've tried them all...

head doubt vs. heart doubt

2011-10-18T09:58:00.001-05:00

My head rarely doubts because I've been so fortunate to have had truth poured into me for years.

My heart, on the other hand,
betrays me all the time

I could debate you on the goodness, sweetness of God in and through the good and the bad of this life.
I could write you an essay on a fallen world that is so marred by sin that it is wracked with despair.
I could create you a playlist of songs that testify of His hope and promise despite the chaos that ensues.
I could give testimony of the miracles in my own life... the blessings...so above and beyond what I could ask or imagine

...yet today my heart longs to feel
and my eyes to see

I've read revelation and know who wins
I know my time on earth is but a moment, a breath, and then will pass
I know that all things work together for good...

But...

Can I get my heart to submit to the truth I know in my head today?
Can I dream of the exceedingly, abundantly when I'm in just barely enough?

I've a glimpse of the promised land, yet I wander in the wilderness
...fearing the Egyptians of my past
...or wondering if the wall of water miraculously separated and held at bay surrounding me will soon be released and cover me
...eating the manna from heaven questioning where my next meal will come from

I despise my doubt

yet I'm powerless today to live in the victory I know
paralyzed in my humanity
trapped in this body of death

on my knees without words
laying my groanings at his feet
as I know not what to ask for anymore
being honest
not pretending
refusing to put on a false face...at least today

letting the healing rain fall
thanking Him that tomorrow is a new day
holding on to the hope until I feel in my heart what I know in my head...

"His power is made perfect in my weakness..." (2 Cor. 12:9)
"Be anxious for nothing..." (Matt. 6:25)

2nd Annual Apple Picking With The Tanners!

2011-10-02T22:25:00.000-05:00

maryalice carrying the empty basket... she didn't want
any help

the picking was a bit lean this year
Andy had to put belle on his shoulders just to get some bigger ones

mama's girl

family pic... you might see this one again...Christmas

This time of year is beautiful!!!! I love going to Bayfield to pick apples. My dad got me into it the first year I moved back as he took me and Belle. We went last year with the Tanners and had so much fun we had to go again this year! It is such a great day and we were gifted with beautiful weather for the second year in a row. We make a point to miss the annual applefest that is held there. We made the mistake of going the week after applefest last year and found a lot of apple orchards closed because they were sold out. This year we wised up and went the week before. We really like the Hauser orchard because they also make their own wine which is a bonus and it is family friendly with a playset and hayride to boot! We also hit the Blue Vista orchard as their stuff is more organic than the others and they have the best cider around!

Our dear friends, The Tanners

After picking we like to walk around town and down by the water while grabbing lunch somewhere. I would have to say we have yet to find a great eating place, but the best I can say about the two we've tried is that we left full. The pier is so pretty! I also enjoy the walk around town. We usually hit a shop or two, but that seems to be it with all the kids.

the pumpkins were huge!

Just hanging out

hayride!

have to get another pic of her talking to the monkey again
this year!

mama's big girl

Abby hasn't been a fan yet, but we are diligently trying to win her over. Maybe next year we'll have the whole "car sick thing" under control. So far we've tried to knock her out with straight Dramamine, but she was just out of it and cranky last year. This year we thought the less drowsy version would do the trick, but no luck. She wasn't as sleepy and cranky, but not happy or herself either. I'd love some tips from anyone who has car sickness. I've also tried zofran & essential oils. She got pretty happy on the way home, though and no puke was a definite plus. We just would've liked for her to enjoy her time a bit more.

GA 2011

2011-09-27T11:18:00.000-05:00

We drive straight through, so sleeping in the car
can be funny!

Kate, Aunt Tara & Michael with MaryAlice

Baby burrito

Abby playing with her big cousin Blake

Chad even stopped by for a visit

Uncle Myron, Brooklyn, Dylan & Belle

MaryAlice was a swimming fish!

Belle would've been happy to never leave the pool!

Belle swimming with her cousin Brooklyn

All the swimming tired my girl out!

Still Abby's favorite is to dump water over her head

Modeling her new suit

The girls cuddling with Dylan

happy in the water!

Aunt Tara & Michael with MA

Uncle Myron takes a turn on the floor playing Abby's xylophone

Uncle William and Aunt Sandra stopped by for a visit
MA decided she liked Uncle William :)

Off the diving board

Our trip to GA this summer was a bit unplanned and kamakazie, but ended up being a great trip! We spent every day packed with family. It was hard to fit all of our visiting in a week, but it made for an action packed time which we all enjoyed!

Incredibly Happy Abby

2011-09-07T10:36:00.000-05:00

I keep waiting to get a great picture that shows my incredibly happy Abby, but she hasn't been cooperating with communicating her extreme glee for the camera! I might have been holding my breath hoping this "unmedicatedly" happy girl might stick around too. She's been pretty good since around July for the most part, but in the past week or two she's been happy... even positively joyous to some extent! Her world has always been on a bit of a non-so-interactive slant with moments of connection, but I think I can say that she's been even giggly nearly every day over something or another (I don't even know sometime). She lets out a giggle nearly every morning when I enter her room and start singing to her. Don't get me wrong, my singing would make most laugh, but that's a totally appropriate response, right? She even seems to be nodding "yes" and "no" at totally appropriate times. I try to balance pushing her to "be all that she can be" with not setting unrealistic expectations, but I must say that this state for Abby makes me hopeful that her communication skills will increase too.

Did I mention that she is so loud? Her noises are longer and louder, which can only mean she is experimenting with sound... or becoming deaf :) I gave up my expectations of speech a few years ago as it is less and less likely the older she gets statistically, but she isn't exactly typical... even for an untypical kid! What would I give to hear her voice turn into words.

Yes, I am crying now...
I've stopped my heart from going there for some time, but the goofy thing is that everyone that has gotten close to my angel has had Abby talking to them in their dreams at one time or another. I know she will eventually talk, but it might just be Heaven :)
I'm truly okay with that and dealt with the loss of that dream some time ago, but all this noise brings it back fresh for me.

She communicates a good bit now. If you don't understand that her throwing her bar at you means she wants you to open it so she can eat it, then... he!he! Going out to the car and banging on it means...? Now you get the idea :)

Andy and I were fighting over her the other morning :) I had her cradled on my lap because she likes to be cradled as if she was a baby. Since I can hold her without losing a handful of hair these days, I'm happy to oblige. She even backs up unto every one's lap now and insists on sitting next to me on the floor in the kitchen while making meals. Mornings are the most fun with lots of hugs and kisses, so Andy walked in the room as I was holding her, took her from me to hold her on his lap. It's funny how one can take these simple things for granted. Even I have my typical talking or singing to her while I care for her as I would any other very large toddler (she's 4'7" & 80lbs now) without too much expectations, but now I feel a ray of sunshine breaking through.

I'm not unrealistic. This could all end today... or tomorrow, but either way I will bask in it while it lasts. There is always a possibility that this will be the new Abby. Maybe this girl will be the one we settle in with... or maybe not. I'll take it while it lasts and be ohhh sooo very grateful for this time we have. I will be encouraged and blessed by this gift we've been given rather than over analyze it :) If I had any earthly idea of why, I would move Heaven and earth to make her stay!

Now if we could only find something else for her to squeeze instead a handful of skin (& fat) we'd be in business!!!! A girl can dream. "We have not because we ask not, right?"

"If You Are Willing"

2011-08-19T00:03:00.000-05:00

I'm in the midst of a Beth Moore study on Jesus... The One and Only. On week 3: Day 4 the title said, "If you are willing." The scripture was Luke 5:12-16. I had to share this story again.

September 2000...
We rode in silence for the twenty to thirty minute trip home. Stunned to say the least. How do we go from here? It was one of those surreal moments that will be etched in my memory forever. Time seemed to stop. We knew from that moment on we would never be the same. We just left the geneticists office where we received the diagnosis for our firstborn... Chromosome 18q-mosaic. We just left the office to stares from the "professionals" as we decided, to their surprise, to keep our baby. I heard about stories like this, but now it was my story. They didn't know much about 18q-, yet still recommended we terminate the pregnancy. We declined just as we always knew we would when we thought about abortion growing up, yet we walked out of the office in shock...

I sat quietly next to Andy and held my growing tummy as I wondered at the little girl who grew inside of me. We wanted to pray but couldn't find the words. Should we ask God for healing? Is it right to ask Him for something different than what he already gave? Should we thank Him? I don't feel very grateful right now. I don't feel the "God gives special kids to special people." I want to hold that perfect, healthy baby. I've always thought... I can't even think straight... I should pray... I can't... I need answers

I sat numb trying to piece together what I should feel or what I should do. I sat in silent prayer because the words just wouldn't come. What do we do? I opened my Bible randomly to Luke 5. The leper came to Jesus and said, "If you are willing, will you heal me?" That was our answer. We would humbly ask for healing because that was the desire of our hearts. We wanted a miracle. We acknowledge His ability to provide it, yet we would submit to whatever He deemed best for us. The pain of asking for something knowing his answer might not be what I want, yet finding it possible to trust anyway. I would say the words if asked, but my heart couldn't understand "no". He said "no". He said no to healing, to the miracle we sought; yet yes to being glorified in her imperfection. He chose to perfect us with her instead of perfecting her. I do get it more now than I did back then, but I wonder at why she must endure so much...

I had a hard time for some time when I heard a story of miraculous healing because it always brought doubts of why he didn't heal my Abby. Why does He heal some and not others? Did we do something? Sin?
John 9:1-3 refutes the idea that all illnesses are the result of sin, but that God may be glorified in the struggle. "The only absolute connection between sin and physical infirmities is that we live in a fallen world" (Beth Moore). Hebrews 4:14 Reminds us to come boldly before the throne with our petitions.

Our life is often a struggle, but glorify God?... Abby does. She can often touch people in ways I never could. I have to submit my will to his in order to bring Him glory, yet Abby glorifies him with her very existence. She doesn't have all the crud that I carry which gets in the way. I realize that she may be disabled in body, but I'm afflicted in mind and spirit. Apart from God, given the right circumstances and the wrong state of mind, we're all capable of anything, and if we could keep it all together without help we'd be so prideful it would be unbearable! Without Jesus we're hopeless...

Jud

2011-08-08T19:02:00.002-05:00

Judson walking with his mom and my friend, Alana

It's been a pretty tough month of highs and lows in the Moore house. We've had some really great times as we took an unexpected trip to Georgia to see Andy's family. We had a jam-packed week filled with family around all the time, which to be honest, is how we prefer to visit. We don't get to see them very often, so we like to see them as much as they can stand while we're in town. We've also had some extreme down times as Andy is still looking for work and we've made a move from the church plant, Arise, back to the sending church, Rock Hill. The trip to GA was a bit of a soothing balm for us... to the point of not wanting to come back. Once again trials bring us to our knees which is where He wanted us in the first place. As always, His call on our lives is fluid (as someone I admired once told me :). It's tough when you pray about something for awhile and God answers in a way you didn't predict. Knowing His ways are better than ours, doesn't lessen the pain. We view church as family, so switching back felt like a separation. Doing what we're called to do isn't always easy, but we follow regardless. He never guaranteed an easy path, but He did promise to be there along the way. We've spent a lot of time alone this summer which is weird for us as our home is usually bustling with friends.

We came home for our church retreat. The retreat included both churches, so while it was nice to see everyone together it was a little difficult as we don't completely feel a part of either right now. If I wasn't sure of His call,I'd probably be a little down after this past weekend; but knowing difficulty doesn't mean wrong direction. Feeling His peace despite the circumstances that surrounded us kept us going. Like I've written so many times, if I hadn't given it everything this would be easier. If I had guarded my heart, this would be less painful. Half-hearted isn't what we're called to. "All in" knowing we may have disappointments or get hurt, yet doing it anyway is what we're called to do. Any change always takes time to adjust, but God is good and His grace really is amazing. It's cool to see God at work, as several people we're baptized, from both churches. Their testimonies were worth the trip alone.

I'm fortunate to have a great relationship with my sister and brother, so when it comes to treating my church family like my bio-family I have a good idea what that looks like. If you didn't grow up with a sister or a brother, you don't have an idea what it should look like. Or worse, maybe you had a poor relationship, so you don't have a healthy track to run on. I have thirty plus years of practice investing in my siblings, so trusting them does come a lot easier.

All this leads to Sunday at camp. I had done a pretty good job of keeping my composure until Sunday morning. I just lost it and the floodgates opened. I sat behind my good friends' son, Judson. Jud is thirteen with a Traumatic Brain Injury. He has some language, but it's limited. It's been amazing to watch him grow and learn in the past six years. He's calmed down so much. It was amazing to see him sit through services now. As I sat in tears unable to control the heartache I'd been feeling, Jud turned around, grabbed my hand and held it to himself. He then switched my hand to his other one and put his arm around me and pulled me in for a hug. He hugged me, held my hand, and patted my arm for the next fifteen minutes or so. It was such a simple act of caring that the tears just poured out. He spoke to my simplest need of just being loved and cared for. He saw my tears and responded in the only way he could. Wow... if that didn't pierce my heart.

How often do we sit and wonder, shifting anxiously in our seats, eyes darting in different directions hoping someone else will respond? Fearing the unknown and not wanting to get involved or send the wrong message we are handicapped in our own world. Handicapped... That's what they call Jud. I just read a book that said, "Wouldn't it be ironic if we got to Heaven and found out they're not the ones who are handicapped, but it is us instead?" They love with reckless abandon. They clap and laugh when they're happy and cry when they are sad. They don't hide their emotions or pretend to be someone they are not. They're not afraid to feel your pain, but turn around in their seats in front of everyone and embrace. They hold on for as long as it takes regardless of apparent appropriateness. Waiting until the emotion fades, absorbing my pain and sharing it with me... if even for a short time.

My Boyfriend

2011-07-13T08:24:00.000-05:00

After fifteen years of marriage I decided to publish who I see him as rather than let a card try to say it...

I loved the "boy" man I married on July 13, 1996 but love and respect even more the man he is today
I love the man of integrity he is... even under fire
I love that he loves God first and foremost... than me. I don't compete with my girls for his affections, but love them together
He can see the bigger picture of God's name as more worthy of being protected rather than his own
His discernment in people and situations amazingly accurate and obviously God given
For such a talker, he truly knows when to talk and when to keep quiet
He constantly pushes me to forgiveness rather than develop bitterness
He loves and assumes the best rather than the reality I'm looking at
He's quick to apologize and slow to accuse
He's the patient father to three unique girls with incomparable differences, and always pursues what is best for them
He's been called to the task of raising the impossibly unpredictable child who will never leave the nest, but does so with enormous grace and strength
He's shouldered our responsibilities often in quiet frustration
He knows his own weaknesses and works diligently on them rather than pretending they don't exist
He seeks the company of like-minded men to grow and be accountable to
He studies and is pliable as the Holy Spirit leads
He adores me in a way that makes me want to be the woman he sees in me
He's loyal and protective
His leadership is of the rarest bread for which I can totally trust his heart... always

To all who have had the privilege to call him friend know these statements as truths. I am especially blessed today to celebrate fifteen years of marriage to my college sweetheart. When all around us may seem to be crumbling, When who we are at the core is being challenged... we'll still have us... and we like us :)

I love you Andy!

Thank you for sharing your life with me...

for being my friend and confidant.

For not letting me grow stagnant in who I am, but striving to be all that God intends me to be

You're an amazing man and I am blessed to be your other half!

To fifteen years of laughter and tears, mountains and valleys, yet by the grace of God our love remains

Your biggest fan and the love of your life,

Easter 2011

2011-06-30T21:02:00.000-05:00

Best family picture yet... closer to convincing myself
that we could actually get a professional pic this year!

Between the chaos of home renovations and being at my parent's house I realized I never posted these cute pics from Easter. I just realized it when Mr. Tim came by tonight (Supernaturally appeared) and we hadn't seen him since Easter. Jesus knew we needed him here tonight :)

Daddy got some cuddle time with his big girl

Belle being patient waiting for MA to get up

close up on the way to church

Belle sporting her new hat she picked out on her date with Uncle Ben

The Easter Lily the Summers brought to us

New Easter tradition... "Pioneer woman cooks" maple cinnamon rolls

New Normal: Summer 2011

2011-06-23T11:42:00.000-05:00

Okay...I've spent a month trying to make summertime what I want it to be instead of accepting what it is and adjusting my expectations in order to make the most of it. Surprisingly enough I'm not referring to the lack of summer weather we're experiencing, but what I want to do with my family to enjoy it. I think of summer as hyper-focsued family time.

Father's Day out to dinner

Staying up late to hang out with friends or cuddling up for a family night
trips to the lake or beach to make sandcastles and splash in the water
more time to work on behaviors and gain a new skill
digging in the dirt and smelling the flowers at the Rose Garden
Canal park to watch the ships come in
parks, parks and more parks
a long drive down south and fun times with cousins we don't get to see very much
freckled faces, bike rides and jumping on the trampoline
picnics
drives up the shore and throwing rocks into the water
Gardening with Grandpa or swimming at Ms Ethel's
Hoping we can soak up enough vitamin D to make it through the winter hibernation (I know it's not possible, but a girl can dream, right?)

Abby has been aggressive, but the past few days we've made some med changes and she seems to be improving which is great! We've started a routine that includes leaving the house every morning. She's been talking (making verbal noises) again, which is a good indication she's happier :) Andy and I have been taking Belle and MaryAlice out without Abby and trying to get used to doing that more as their idea of fun and hers is often quite different. We know our lives can't completely stop when Abby's like this, but how do you turn mom off and not keep doing everything you can until you figure it out?

New Normal

Our goal is still to have Abby live in our world, but it just may look different than I wanted it to. Just because it doesn't meet my expectations doesn't mean I spend the rest of my life sulking in the reality while missing out on other possibilities. Our new normal might be less of her with us, but that doesn't mean she's out. Just because I feel like a failure of a mom to have not found a way to make it happen doesn't mean I miss the bigger picture of having two other girls who need to have a childhood and the fact that Abby doesn't mind (or even know) she's being excluded.

I thought (my hopes and dreams, not hers) that if we had a PCA with us we could include her and do anything that "normal" people do. Sure it's a bit more costly and we get less privacy, but we've embraced the blessing of these girls and focused on what they bring to our lives. They get to see us as we are w/o make-up, spilling tears and yelling at the kids when we shouldn't. We've lived in community and have been about as real as possible with these girls over the years. Now they not only help her be with us as much as possible, but allow us to do things without her more often than not. As Abby's needs have greatly increased so has our lack of privacy. I'm scheduling for twelve hours a day this summer. I can't even make a meal or do laundry w/o someone here. I'm not only okay with someone here but grateful. They can take Abby where she wants to be.

Our goals this summer are to keep her happy and the rest of us safe :) Funny how quickly our goals change. I intended to hit her communication device this summer. We even purchased an ipad for her (and Daddy) to practice communication, but now I'm working on putting her Veggie Tales silly songs and Vivaldi on there to add more ways of calming her down. Potty training and feeding herself have been on the top of our lists for years now, but...

We had one day of Happy Abby and a breath of calm when things fell apart. Molly walked in and told us Mik was leaving for the rest of the summer. Although we are excited about her opportunity to go be a trail guide in SD, I was moments away from a panic attack. Surprising I've never had one, but I think I did the other day as I thought someone was sitting on my chest and I was having a hard time breathing. I'll grieve this as soon as I have a moment to process it, but in the meantime it's been a mad race to figure out what to do as Danielle left yesterday for ten days. I couldn't post my losing it while she was here or I risked letting her enjoy her missions trip to a place she loves. See, I usually start hiring for summer in March so the girls have time to get to know Abby and see if they can handle her for longer periods of time. School help usually only has her for a few hours after school, but summer help has to be able to keep her busy for long periods of time. It's just a good way to train someone in slowly so they're not overwhelmed. I was able to hire someone rather quickly, but the reality of someone new w/o experience is a lot of training one-on-one time with me. I wonder if it's even worth it because by the time she's comfortable taking Abby out, it will most likely be time for her to go back to school. I know I'm being pessimestic, but facts are facts. I could pretend it's all fine, but that doesn't do anyone any good.

Once again this applies, "It's okay to cry... as long as you stop."

Happy Abby showed again this morning, so maybe the meds are doing the trick. We needed a weight suppressant to combat all the hormones, so maybe they were a blessing in disguise because I probably wouldn't have tried them again if we hadn't needed to curb her appetite. With a barrage of doctor appointments we did find out that she is progressing quickly through puberty and she could be done with all the hormones in six months to a year. That would be beautiful!!! We're dealing with her changing body... my baby girl in a big girl body isn't the easiest; but once again it's what is best for her rather than me :) I'll preach that to myself again and again in the next year I'm sure.

I can't control what happens in life, but I can control how I react to it (preaching to myself once again). This isn't what I wanted, but who knows maybe it will end up being the best summer yet? With Daddy home working on projects we are together way more than normal. We'll takes some trips without Abby and focus on the two girls rather than feeling guilty for having fun without her. Belle and MaryAlice have bonded over avoiding Abby and having no other play friends around as we've stayed closer to home which is awesome for a mom to see :)

Attacking Abby

2011-06-18T12:49:00.000-05:00

All the changes started a few weeks before school ended with Ethel headed south for a family event which took her out of school for the last weeks of the year. If the last weeks aren't chaotic and unscheduled enough already, this didn't help. Now that her beloved routine is over, and while the rest of us welcome a later bedtime and more family time, Abby seems to be railing against it. We try not to get negative too soon, but as we're into the middle of June already and she's still not adjusting I'm frustrated. The rest of us like to be outside and off a schedule. Biking, jumping, swimming, playgrounds and playing in the dirt! Andy and I are trying to maintain a sense of normalcy and not get too angry and emotional, but this past week has gotten the best of us. Among the job search and a myriad of other stuff, including but not limited to the death of my grandpa, we're struggling. Thankfully we've maximized PCA help by trying to have someone here all day whenever schedules allow since Abby can't be left unattended at all, but the reality that we can't just be a family ever is making me angry. We used to need someone here so we could interact at functions, but now we need help just to do normal daily activities. Danielle didn't come until eleven today, which is usually not a big deal at all, but I couldn't make breakfast with out being attacked and Andy's temperature was rising before breakfast was half over. Belle and MaryAlice were both in tears from hair pulling and pinching; as well as, Abby slamming a cupboard door on Belle's head while she was getting a trash bag.

We've tried all the sensory stuff we know, but to no avail. We've turned to meds :( Today was the first day of Adderall. We've tried Ritalin and a host of other drugs I don't want to revisit, but may be appropriate. We also need her to slow down with her eating. She eats non-stop and has gained too much weight. We suspect it's all the hormones she's on, but we need to continue them until her growth plates close (maybe another year). They think some behavior meds are in order and the side effect of appetite suppressant might be positive too. We gave it to her at ten and she was asleep by eleven. I guess I should be happy she's out, but I hate medicating her into coma. So... do we hit a new sensory diet of stressful input that is guaranteed to set her off initially, but may help in a few days? Do we go back to the behavior modification stuff that we all endured for months to no avail? I spent a couple of days with that and I'm not sure if she gets it now or not. Either way we need to gear up for one or the other, but I lack the emotional strength today to start.

I pray for wisdom in the choice,
Perseverance for us and the girls who will have to carry it out throughout the day, and...
That I we would want to be around her.

My Grandpa

2011-06-06T21:20:00.000-05:00

(This was the speech I gave at my Grandpa Howard's funeral)

Being surrounded by family, some of whom I barely know, these past couple days made we want to share with you the grandpa I knew,  the man I grew up with.

Grandpa's love language was time... and so is mine which is why I guess we got along so well.
I just liked to be with him and he knew it. Summers as a kid meant visiting him in the garden, pulling weeds or picking fruit & veggies.
I went for long walks with grandpa. I rarely walked with grandma, Andrea did that, because she was always a 100 yards or so ahead of us.
We spent a lot of time in easy silence or quiet chatting. I wasn't one to ramble on and neither was he.
I always loved to go to Grandpa's house because it was easy... it was more like a second home
I spent a lot of days there after school between classes and practice or games.
We had a routine, Grandpa and I...
Grandma usually had dinner on the table shortly after I got "home" from school. We'd sit down and eat together, so "My food had time to digest before the game," Grandma would say. I'd start cleaning up and grandma would tell me to she could do it, so I could go up and rest. Grandpa and I would head upstairs... me in the bed and him in the recliner. We'd chat until one or both of us drifted off to sleep.
Those are the days I remember most...
We talked about everything and nothing

Grandpa & Grandma would come to my games. He would even get uncharacteristically loud if I was getting pushed around. He was a bit protective :)

He liked to talk about the things he was reading in the National Geographic or Sunday's sermon.
He loved Jesus

Although I know the past year has been difficult on Auntie Jan and Grandma as they have shouldered the burden of the extra care, but for me these past few months have been a gift. These times with grandpa were stolen time I didn't think we'd have and more glimpses into his heart.  He chose his words more because they didn't come as easy as they used to. He didn't waste a lot of words either. He stilled played with the girls even though he couldn't get up and tend to them like he used to. I remember Grandma saying that Annabelle wore him out chasing after her a few years back. Grandpa was they player. MaryAlice, my three year old, would talk about Grandpa Owie. She loved to come and visit. She'd say, "Grandpa Howard goes (head shake and sound effects) when I kiss him." or she would ask him to help her take out her teeth as she was trying desperately to copy him taking his out. My girls love grandpa too... just like their mom. Not many people are so fortunate as I am to have grown up with my grandparents, but my girls have known their great grandparents. Grandpa Howard and Grandma Shirley have given us the gift of a legacy of love. Being married for almost 65 years is a treasure and a gift to us. Their love and devotion to each other will forever impact my life and generations to follow.

He would talk about the things that really matter...
About a few weeks ago when he fell and went back into the hospital I had my last conversation with him.  I got home and wept as I recounted Grandpa's words that day. He was saying goodbye.  Grandma & I were sitting by his bed after a walk down the hallway with "Little Mary" (as he called MaryAlice). He reached up and cradled Grandma's face in his hand and said, "I love you... with all my heart. You're so good to me & I love you." He held my hand tight and told me how much he loved me too and how proud he was of me. I will always strive to be the woman he saw in me.

People say the real you comes out toward the end. Some get cranky and let out all the crud they've bundled up inside throughout the years, but for the most part Grandpa would smile at each person who attended him and thank them.

I don't know much about the Grandpa you remember, but you can be sure he loved all of you very much. He talked about you all the time. He would give us updates on you and your kids as if you lived next door.
We got regular updates on Jay & Alex's games,
Amanda's two boys,
Where Ryan was working and how the kids liked their new school,
How Aaron's boys liked and hated the removal of Grandpa's teeth,
Where Ashely was moving and what job she was doing,
How well Sheena is doing at her job and what she was cooking,
Where in the world Bruce, Mary and Ben were working,
Keith and Judy were speaking or singing,
and what delectable treat Jan had made them in the fridge!
Rest assure he was so proud of all of you and loved you very much!

Up until Wednesday he always recognized me, woke up and smiled. On Wednesday we saw what was in his heart more than what he could say. He couldn't talk or interact at all. His eyes would flutter as he drifted in and out of sleep... But for one moment he got out a few words of "Because He Lives" in his sleep
There hasn't been a time that I've visited in the past six months where he didn't want to sing that song. The peace that he had came from knowing that this earth was not his home. He knew that to be absent from his body meant to be present with his Jesus. He had the peace that passes all understanding.

Epiphany?

2011-06-01T09:34:00.000-05:00

I was driving to the store this week with a few girls I love on my heart. As I prayed for their contentment with where they were in life, it occurred to me when I drifted back to my personal prayers that they were in the same as place as me...
"For I have learned to be content..." Paul wrote in II Corinthians
I'm not there

I underwent exploratory laproscopy a few weeks ago to find out I have endometriosis. I had the option to wait a bit longer and get "fixed", but I couldn't do it
I want to feel done or not done, but I just feel confused
We've always talked about adoption, but...
We simply can't do some things
Birthing another?

We have Abby
I birthed her. we birthed her. God birthed her
What if He saw fit to go it again?
Could I go there?
Do I think I could alter His plans?
I've done birth control for years, but not entirely content in that decision either
We've battled that one, but every time we set it aside... new baby

We hang on by a thread often
we accomplish more than we think we can, but...
Today I feel I can breath on some days
I have something to give
I serve out of the overflow more often than not...

Does that mean there is room, or...?

The girls think when they reach the next step in life
job. husband. kids
it will all be good and they'll find
contentment?
not so much
there's always something...
often my flesh robs me of being content?
I say "Yes, Lord... whatever you ask of me. Anytime. Anywhere?"
Am I not hearing?
Not trusting?
Just a battle I must wrestle through?

Don't know...

SPRING BREAK 2011

2011-05-26T22:47:00.001-05:00

note the beautiful mix of snow and ground

Belle is such an amazing big sister

It was a bright day... not just trying to be cool

posing?

So I'm a bit late in posting, but I misplaced my camera. Surprised that I lost anything in the black hole of my house. My goal is to organize this mess as we finish remodeling. Anyway, we took a break from the remodel during spring break week and had a really great week of fun around town here in anything but Spring!

Monday we started with a day of sledding... Yes, I said sledding on spring break! My girls love sledding. MaryAlice actually still asks me if we can go sledding now that the snow has been gone for over a month now! Too funny!

Tuesday we went for a drive up the shore. We hiked for a memorable day at Gooseberry Falls. Note all the photos of us walking with Abby. We celebrate such simple things, but walking and holding Abby's hands is monumental in our world. I don't share it with many because the significance of such a simple thing chokes me up just thinking of it. Something most take for granted, but neither walking nor holding hands for an extended period of time were a given or expectation in our world. Thankful for this day!

Wednesday we headed to Mr. Dan and Mrs Alana's house to play with Jud in the gym and pool. The slide captured MA as much as the pool, but the story of the day was the grouse. Dan spotted it in a tree as I commented on how delicious they are. He barely got "I've never had one" out of his mouth and the crazy bird flew into the house and dropped dead on the patio right in front of us!!! Andy showed Dan how to strip it into meat and they have it ready to eat in their freezer! (Where did my pics with the bird go? hopefully I find them soon!)

Cassie and Rachel (Wyatt)... super cute pic!

Anne & I had an entire day together... we did nothing!!! It was beautiful!!
So miss my girls!!!

Got two nights with Renae! It was like old times...
plus two cute boys!

My cat friend got a dog... nothing like starting small!

Renae and Josh's Dawson... little love

DJ wasn't so sure t-ball practice should just be on the field!

Anne's two boys, Reed and Evan

Thursday Andy & I left to surprise his parents at their 50th Wedding Anniversary in Georgia. Thanks to frequent flyer miles and some extra time waiting for a job and the amazing Danielle and my amazing sister, we were able to take a whole week. Other than the vehicle accident back at home drama we had a wonderful trip! Fifty years is kind of a big deal and so glad we were able to share in the day of celebration! We are blessed by the generations of solid marriages between our two families. We snuck a few days with friends in SC, which was the cherry on top of a wonderful time!