DISGRASIAN™

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Elle Magazine's "Best Hair In America"

2009-07-17T14:44:00.000-07:00

Dozens of rats nest coifs to showcase Elle Magazine's "Best Hair in America," and the closest thing the editorial staff can offer in terms of Asian reprzentasian is Jessica "I can kind of mix" Alba??

Hunh. In fact, Penelope Cruz and Halle Berry are the only other women of color to round out the fold.

Sure, she's hot! But Asian... she is not.

Um... Jen and I can't stop shaking our thick, black, straight, split-end free manes of hair in disappointment.

Best locks in the States and we don't see one with an Asian face? HA. We beg to differ.

[Elle: Best Hair in America]
[via HuffPo]

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Dan Choi Fills Us With Joy

2009-07-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

Standing behind the Poitier building on the Sony lot in Culver City last night, I reminisced with pride about the calm, cool manner in which I once met Sidney Poitier. He shook my hand and I somehow avoided squealing, then followed up with charming conversation and gentle laughter, holding in my excitement for the first moment he wasn't within shouting distance. An hour later, I totally fucking freaked out and called everyone I could think of to brag. But the running phrase in every call was: "Well you see, I tend not to get starstruck, so I..."

Mid-flashback, I spotted Dan Choi, one of DISGRASIAN's favorite Amazians, who was in Los Angeles last night to present the press screening of Brave New Foundation's latest installation of the In Their Boots series: "Silent Partners." "Partners" is a documentary short (watch a preview here) about the same-sex partners of three American service members whose lives are shrouded in secrecy because of our military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy--heartbreaking and difficult to watch, but important and incredibly beautiful.

Simply over-choi-ed

I immediately turned into a bumbling idiot, gushing over Choi's awesomeness and DISGRASIAN's deep (and clearly very clunky) admiration of his good work. Witnesses have told me that I barfed out words like "flurferful" and "prowb," possibly even referred to myself as "Dinana." Whoops.

Still, despite my semi-creepy enthusiasm, the wondrous (and completely adorable) Dan Choi humored me. He even spared some of his early West Point knowledge, teaching me how to properly salute (this actually took awhile):

The smooshed chin is not part of the salute...

Until I got it right:

...but the Lieutenant is!

Basically, if I could take back the "flurferful," I would. But in the meantime, I'll just keep celebrating Choi's good work and hope he forgives DISGRASIAN for the bungled remarks of one truly starstruck blogger.

[In Their Boots: Silent Partners]

Thanks, Abe, Cate and Jake!

Next Thing You Know, They'll Be Shaq-ing Up

2009-07-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

Sure she can gyrate. But what about that bikini wax?

Something tells me this is what Tila Tequila would be up to if she REALLY LET HERSELF GO.

[via Yahoo! Sport UK + Ireland]

Source
Thanks, Jasmine!

The Hipster Grifter Is in Hell

2009-07-16T13:51:00.000-07:00

The Hipster Grifter is in a particular ring of hell. And that hell has a name: Utah.

Last week, Kari Ferrell was charged with felony counts of identity fraud and passing bad checks in Salt Lake. So what, right? She did the crime, now she's gotta do the time?

True dat. But the thing is, the Hipster Grifter's hometown doesn't get her. Nor, I imagine, does she get it, which maybe explains why she fled the state as soon as she ~~stole enough~~ was able in order to seek refuge in Philly and Williamsburg with like-minded people, i.e. other people with giant tattoos, cool record collections, and a charming way with words.

When she was charged, the Salt Lake City Tribune reported:

"Kari Ferrell, who has been referred to by media outlets as the "Hipster Grifter," was charged Thursday..."

"Who has been referred to by media outlets as the Hipster Grifter"? "Media outlets"? Did my dad write that sentence in-between grumpily grading exams? This is the kind of prose you lay on the girl who coined the term "mouth-handjobs" and dubbed herself "Korean Abdul-Jabbar"???

Then, of course, there were the reader comments accompanying the Tribune story, the quality of which Gawker highlighted (the most offensive one has since been removed):

Sigh. Utah just don't get you, Hipster Grifter. Once the legal dust has settled, go back to New York. You make sense there. You need it. And it needs you.

[via Gawker]

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! M.I.A.

2009-07-16T13:19:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to Mathangi "Maya" Arulpragasam, aka M.I.A., who turns 34 Friday! The past year has been a busy one for the British-Sri Lankan singer: she started her own record label, got nominated for an Academy Award, killed at the Grammys while 9 months pregnant, had a baby boy and became "Mamma M.I.A.", and got voted one of the world's 100 Most Influential People by Time magazine. And all that transpired after M.I.A. announced that she was retiring from performing. Which reminds us, please don't do that to us again, girl. We need you around to shake shit up, give it a groovy beat, and paint it in Day-Glo colors for many more birthdays to come.

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The Facebook Movie Puts the zZzZ's in Zuckerberg

2009-07-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

Does anyone really care about the Facebook Movie? Or, for that matter, Facebook? Sure, Facebook currently boasts 250 million users, and Mark Zuckerberg had his official coming-out party as a mogul on Oprah a few months back, but all that really means is that your Mom is now on Facebook, sending you Growing Gifts once a week, trying to friends your friends, forcing your guilty conscience to take down your many stoned pics, while you take refuge more and more on Twitter, where you're safe for now, where your Mom'll only migrate to in a few years once she's figured out its goshdurned lingo ("Twitted...or tweeted?"). So I guess what I'm really asking is, does your mom care about the Facebook movie? And will she actually spend $14 on a movie ticket to see how the most popular social networking site came to be?

These are the questions I had while slogging through Aaron Sorkin's 162-page first draft of The Social Network, aka The Facebook Movie, based on Ben Mezrich's book, The Accidental Billionaires, that was written without Zuckerberg's cooperation and came out this week. (Mezrich also wrote Bringing Down the House, about the MIT blackjack team who stole millions from various Vegas casinos, which became the movie 21.) Facebook reps have declined to comment on the book, and employees were reportedly sent letters months ago telling them not to speak with Sorkin.

p. 114

One reason Zuckerberg and Co. might not care about--or rather, care for--the Facebook Movie is that, contrary to reports that the script makes him out to be an "obnoxious nerd," The Social Network does him one worse: it makes him into a dull one. He spends a sizable chunk of the script's 162 pages sitting in a deposition room, talking to lawyers, getting sued by two different parties. There are a few scenes in which he is either seen writing code or...wait for it...talking about writing code. HTML code, people! Other than getting laid by an Asian chick in a bathroom stall at a "nice club in Cambridge..(playing)...thumping...house music"--whatever that means--Zuckerberg's life comes across as a rather joyless verging on meaningless grind.

From p. 131, right around the time when Zuckerberg's first CFO, Eduardo Saverin, is getting phased out of the company, and replaced by Napster founder Sean Parker, the script's wild man:

"Coding tear"?

Even Sean Parker, who was anointed the "rock star" of The Social Network in another script review, isn't a particularly interesting Silicon Valley bad boy. We're supposed to believe that he's some kind of 22 year-old visionary iconoclast, but he comes off more like a mid-level Hollywood douchebag.

He orders lacquered pork and foie gras and appletinis at a trendy Tribeca eatery (p. 102)!

He dates a Victoria's Secret model (p. 121)!

He goes to a sorority party and makes a phone call explaining the significance of picture-sharing while a 17 year-old girl sprinkles coke on her boobs nearby (p. 154)! Then gets busted!

Scintillating stuff, right? David Fincher seems to think so. And maybe, just maybe, your Mom will, too. If she hasn't moved on to Twitter by the time the movie comes out, and isn't too busy figuring out what the deal is with RT's and #'s.

p. 37

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Not Just A Hobby-Hob, Robots Need A Jobby-Job

2009-07-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

Pay. Me. Sucka.

The NY Times has reported that Japan's robots are now facing a devastating rise in unemployment, due to the economic slump of our current worldwide recession.

What does this mean for American robots? OH MY GOD, WHAT WILL ANN CURRY DO!?!? IS SHE GOING TO BE OKAY!?!???????????????????????? ANN! BABY! IF YOU'RE READING THIS, CALL ME AND I'LL START PUTTING MY FEELERS OUT FOR NEW GIGS. WE'LL FIND SOMETHING. EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT.

[NYT: In Recession, Japanese Lay Off Robots]

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Thanks, Eliza and Pete!
Sorry, Phil!

Heavy Petting

2009-07-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

Word on the street is that China is experiencing a massive pet boom: skyrocketing numbers of folks toting around their furry friends, millions of dollars worth of increased dog food consumption, and an explosion of animal specialty stores across the country.

In the States, Jen and I live in LA, and we are both happy/obsessed dog owners in a land of frivolous dog ownership. We're surrounded by stores like "Puppies and Babies" and "Bitch and Hound" and "K9 Loft" that babysit dogs with mounted webcams and offer designer doggy athletic shoes and animal raincoats (for less than $400, wow!).

I live for animals in outfits. I adore animal mohawks. I actually think that many of our pet friends truly enjoy having a hoodie if their owner has a hoodie, a pedicure if their nails need a-trimming, doggy yoga if they're not feeling centered, a cashmere sweater if they're a skinny little thing that gets shivery.

But this shit?

It's really fucked.

Really, it would be kinder to eat the poor little fuckers.

[via Best Week Ever]
[Financial Express: Pet Industry Never Had It So Good in China]

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Thanks, Jasmine!

ROCK OF ASIAN: Twisted Sister

2009-07-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

I happen to enjoy the fact that Twisted Sister is making strides towards a comeback, even though they were never really at the top tape of my bin (They were kind of a "Pontiac Firebird" band, and I always felt more "Chrysler LeBaron Convertible"). Dee Snider actually entertains me quite consistently as a droopy-faced older gent with a bag full of memories and VH1 sound-byte commentary--much more so than the droopy-faced, garish loudmouth he was in his youth.

When director Ben Kim told us that he and D.P. Jonathan Yi (Ed. note--Two almond-eyed men bossing people around from behind the camera? Yummers!) had helmed a hot of ze presses music video for Twisted Sister's newest track, "30," we were pleased as punch.

We really just kinda love their straightforward approach--Simple setting, clean concept: A dramatic dusting off of Marshall stacks and a sweet-ass drum kit. Old metalheads giving it another go.

Fucking great.

And the fact that two of our peeps have the mettle to shoot metal in HD? Even better.

[YouTube: Twisted Sister - "30"]

Thanks, Ben!

BABEWATCH: Professional Billiards Player Yu Ram Cha

2009-07-14T15:41:00.000-07:00

Name: Yu Ram Cha, aka "Little Lightning"

Age: 21

Hails from: South Korea

Occupation: Professional billiards player

Why She's a Babe: Is there anything hotter than a woman who knows her way around a pool table? And while we're on the subject, what is it about Asians and billiards? Of the top ten female billiards players in the world, four of them are members of the tribe. Yu Ram has only been playing professionally for one year, but already she's ranked sixth, right above the Original Smokin' Hot Billiards Babe Jeannette Lee. It's women like Jeannette and Yu Ram who snooker people into thinking that all Asian ladies know how to, um, rock a pool stick. And that's a stereotype we can definitely live with, especially since, between us, we really really suck at the sport.

[Yu Ram Cha's MySpace]

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Rinku Singh Keeps His Eye on the Ball Instead of the Ladies, Gets Historic Win

2009-07-14T13:48:00.000-07:00

Gulf Coast League Pirates pitcher Rinku Singh made history Monday by becoming the first India-born player to record a professional baseball win in the U.S. (The GCL Pirates are the rookie developmental team of the Pittsburgh Pirates.) You may recall that Rinku and his countryman Dinesh Patel made history before when they signed with the Pirates organization last November after placing first and second in an Indian reality-show contest called The Million Dollar Arm, thereby becoming the first India-born players to ink a professional sports contract of any kind in this country.

So how did Rinku get his first win? Did he manage to bring up the velocity of his fastball from the low 90's? Did he paint the outside corners of the strike zone? Did he introduce something nasty and unhittable to his limited pitching repertoire?

My theory: he started keeping his eye on the ball instead of the ladies.

I kid, I kid! (Rinku, if you're reading this like you did that other time, where you thought I was calling you a perv when I was really calling you a babe, know that this is what we call in America "giving you shit.")

Then again, he only had to strike out one batter to get the win, so I'm not going to get my panties too far in a bunch over this "historic" moment. (Yes, Rinku, still "giving you shit." See also "heckling.")

[DISGRASIAN: Babewatch: Rinku Singh]
[Rinku's blog: The Good - The Bad & The Ugly]
[Deadspin: Rinku And Dinesh Are Not On The Babewatch!]

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This Kid Is Fast As Lightning

2009-07-14T11:42:00.000-07:00

Now that the sacreligious Karate Kid remake (grrrr...) has been relocated to China and cryptically re-titled The Kung-Fu Kid (It's almost like a brand new movie! Kinda like how Can't Buy Me Love grew up and got an urban makeover for the new millenium, called Love Don't Cost a Thing! Virtually unrecognizable, save for the uh, similar plot points!), maybe it's actually been developed and re-thought. Perhaps it actually has a shot at being AMAZING!

The Kung-Fu Kid stars Jackie Chan and Jaden Pinkett-Smith.

Then again, you know, maybe not.

[via Screen Rant]
[SlashFilm: The Karate Kid Remake Officially Retitled The Kung-Fu Kid, Begins Filming ]

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Thanks, Jasmine and Jonathan!

They Must Call It Big Brother Because You Want to Steal Its Dirty Mags and Then Punch It in the Spleen

2009-07-14T00:46:00.000-07:00

Shooting Stars: The effervescent cast of 'Big Brother 11'

I worked in reality television for four sordid years and never watched an episode of Big Brother (Dear God, I hope my former jefe isn't reading this!). Instead, I studied the format on paper, religiously researched cast members and memorable conflicts, allowed myself to be fascinated by the number of cameras apparently mounted around the house, met frequently with the show's multitude of producers, and believed--without ever seeing an act--that I understood Big Brother's point. The ultimate fish bowl, everyone called it. Pure genius, they described. A landmark achievement, one exec mused.

Lie.

LIE.

LIE!

What a Crock Pot of shit all of that was. Seriously.

I finally saw my first episode of Big Brother last Sunday (Mind you, we're now amidst an ungodly Season 11) during periodic glances away from a lively game of Blackberry Sudoku. I can't exactly tell you what was going on, but I did understand that the group had been divided into "cliques"--Oh, you know, like "Brains" and "Athletes"... and, ehrm, "Offbeat" cliques. (Gosh, I feel embarrassed just typing those words on the page.)

Problem is, based on pure instinct, I instantly found myself rooting against every single person in the house. The offbeat freaks were all poseurs, the brainy nerds awkweird and creepy. And the jocks, as always, spent so much time kissing their dumb muscles that I began to simply hate life.

But I didn't just hate them for their cliquey leanings. Flaky blonde chicks that have never had a real conversation with a dork sporting a crappy adult faux-hawk are people, too, and I get that. But honestly, I racked my brain for minutes--MINUTES!--and could not determine a reason for a self-respecting human to immerse themselves in the sick, sad, exhibitionist world of Brother, for days on end with a house full of fairly unattractive and dull nobodys.

Okay, one reason. How great would it be to eventually see oneself on the small screen, juxtaposed with brassy, sassy host Julie Chen in one of these saucy numbers?

Yowza!

But that can't be enough of a reason, can it? Back to the real issue! WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE THESE CAST MEMBERS?

[Uncomfortable silence]

Sigh. Apparently, people actually watch this dung heap. Check it out: moving right along, the douchebags in the house ultimately stirred up lots of trouble (and buzz!) after three of the castmates got into an awesomely lame argument that took a dark turn when Braden--a semi-ugly white dude with with decent abs and chicken legs--vented his frustration with Kevin--a blasian--by repeatedly calling him a "beaner" (1:16 of the video below)

Braden's follow-up jab to the beaner tirade and resulting yellfest? "Hey, go back to Burbank." (1:46)

[Stunned pause while blogger chokes herself]

Hunh. I guess that kind of people.

[via Reality Blurred]

Source
Thanks, jRu!

SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Thank You Football Gods, i.e. Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo Are No Mo'

2009-07-13T15:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Football Gods,

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

To those heathens who say that the Football Gods don't exist, I say, "I pity the fool."

To those blasphemers who would call Tony Romo breaking up with Jessica Simpson two weeks before training camp "coincidence" rather than "divine intervention," I call bullshit.

To the non-believers who think that Romo breaking up with Jessica Simpson one day before her 29th birthday was stone cold, I think...damn, that was kinda cold, dude. Ouch.

But having ice in your veins and winning championships go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong, so I realize this is all part of your Great Plan, Football Gods.

So I praise you and I say...

So long to Bad Fuck Charms! Bring on Super Bowl XLIV! And Hallelujah, bitches!!!

[People: Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo split]

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Stephen, The MMA and Jiu-jitsu-Trained Asskicking Attorney

2009-07-13T14:42:00.001-07:00

In April, Stephen, a Korean-American attorney who lives in the Financial District in New York City, was assaulted on the street in his neighborhood. Here's his story of what happened, as told to Angry Asian Man:

I was out getting some ice cream late at night at the corner store when I was approached by a big drunk guy who asked me if I was Korean. He went on to tell me that his wife is Korean so he “knows all about Koreans”. I tried to humor him and nod but he started getting offensive saying that Koreans get pushed around all the time but never fight back. Then he started telling me all Korean parents are insane.

At that point, I told him I didn’t want to continue talking to him and left the store. He followed me out onto a dark street off of Wall Street and started getting in my face. I told him to take a step back and he socked me in the face. I used to box in college so I responded with a pretty brutal set of punches that put him on the ground and told him the fight was over.

As I walked away, he got up and followed me into my apartment building at 63 Wall Street. I tried to get the doorman to call the police but he refused because apparently the guy lives in the building. The drunk guy then came at me again and hit me in the mouth, breaking one of my front teeth off, and called me a chink. We ended up fighting on the ground where I subdued him using Brazilian Jiujutsu and MMA. I held him in a chokehold and told him I’d kill him before the police arrive if he didn’t stop struggling and clawing at my eyes.

The whole incident was caught on security camera, which Stephen got a hold of when he successfully sued his attacker and the building (Stephen's in the red parka):

Sad thing is, Stephen's attacker was Indian. We can't help but think that this incident plays out like some weird variation on one of Newton's laws of motion: For every amazian, there is an equal and opposite disgrasian.

Sigh.

[via True/Slant via AAM]

Thanks, Irwin!

Jon Gosselin's Douchewear Endorsement Deal

2009-07-13T11:20:00.000-07:00

Three weeks after his wife filed for divorce, Jon Gosselin took a weekend trip to St. Tropez with his 22 year-old girlfriend Hailey Glassman (not this one, this one), daughter of the surgeon who performed Kate's tummy tuck, where they spent an afternoon on "designer" Christian Audigier's yacht.

But the weekend wasn't all about fun in the sun for DISGRASIAN's favorite Puff Daddy, who's reportedly working out some kind of endorsement deal with Audigier, the man behind Von Dutch, Ed Hardy, his own eponymous line, and those giant billboards around L.A. mourning the loss of Michael Jackson.

As next career moves go, Jon Gosselin shilling for an overpriced--the tee he was snapped wearing in St. Tropez, above, retails for $187--eye-assaulting douchewear emporium sounds just about right.

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Guaranteed Not to "Sour" Your Weekend [AWESOME VIDEO]

2009-07-10T12:58:00.000-07:00

You may have seen this music video ("Hibi no Neiro," or "Tone of Everyday") from the Japanese band Sour already. If so, we're guessing you want to watch it again. If not, we're sure you'll want to watch it again and again.

The cast of the video are fans from around the world who participated in its making via webcam.

[Sour official website]

Thanks, Ken!

DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Dr. Li-Ann Thio, Visiting NYU Law Professor

2009-07-10T12:04:00.000-07:00

Dr. Li-Ann Thio hates gays.

In 2007, as a member of Singaporean Parliament, Dr. Thio argued against repealing a statute that criminalized gay sex. In her arguments, she said, "You cannot make a human wrong a human right" and "Diversity is not a license for perversity." She also likened anal sex to "shoving a straw up your nose to drink." Today, gay sex in Singapore is still illegal.

Dr. Li-Ann Thio is also a law professor, who has been invited to teach a course at NYU this fall in--don't snort so hard that that straw falls out of your nose--HUMAN RIGHTS LAW. NYU has said that Dr. Thio will add a "valuable contribution" to intellectual campus life. And Dr. Thio defended her own hiring by saying:

"I think certain Americans have to realise the fact that there are a diversity of views on the subject and it is not a settled matter; there is no universal norm and it is nothing short of moral imperialism to suggest there is."

Ahh, now we get it. We don't have enough ~~gay hate~~ diversity of views in this country already, so we have to import it from Singapore. Thanks for the educasian, Dr. Thio!

Oh, and fuck you very much.

Watch Dr. Thio's arguments before Parliament on YouTube where she asserts that legalizing gay sex will "subvert social morality, the common good, and undermine our liberties."

[via Above the Law]

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Thanks, Joyce!

Asians Number One on College Campuses...at Being Racist

2009-07-10T10:49:00.000-07:00

A NY Times story this week cited several recent studies that show how having a college roommate of a different race can improve racial attitudes. One study at Duke found that white freshmen students were more likely to develop diverse friendships as a result of an interracial roommate sitch, another at Ohio State discovered that black freshmen with high standardized-test scores got better grades when paired with white roommates, perhaps because having a white roommate helped black students adjust more to a predominantly white campus.

So, basically, having a roommate of another race makes you less racist. Unless you're Asian. The Times piece noted that one study, conducted at UCLA in 2004, found that not only were Asian-Americans the most prejudiced group, but we actually made our roommates more prejudiced. Yikes.

We. Are. Here. To. Make. You. Into. A. Racist. Prick. Don't. Be. Fooled. By. Our. Pretty. Smiles. And. Shiny. Hair.

But here's the upshot. We beat out whites, blacks, and Latinos to be the most racist! We're number one! Once again, we dominate the college campus! We rule!

WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Psst...Is that racist? Really?)

Okay, then, I guess there is no upshot.

[NY Times: Interracial Roommates Can Reduce Prejudice]
[via Gawker]

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Thanks, Jasmine!

Body Modificasian is Cool and All, But This Makes Us Want to Die a Little

2009-07-09T12:17:00.000-07:00

I remember when bunches of my friends started going to raves. They'd get tricked out in giant JNCO jeans and fluorescent, furry vests, with pacifiers lassoed around their torsos and candy necklaces tightly wound against their struggling tracheae. Suddenly, everyone was getting pierced to shit. Giant bones through the septum. Silver balls poking out of the cheeks. Clear tongue rings. Pierced beauty marks. Giant, jillion-gauge, coke-can-sized rings inflating the soft flesh of the ears.

Everybody that delves in body mod is making a statement, whether that statement is "I actually want to look like a lizard" or "I dig tribal shit /love dancing to Kylie Minogue" or "It's time for me to come out of my shell" or "I give great head" or "My parents didn't love me enough." And that kind of vociferation I totally respect.

But this not-even-really-new trend that's apparently picking up steam in Japan (according to Bizarre Mag), which involves sculpting saline injections in the body for one-night's worth of looking super kri-zazy...

...seems to make only one statement. "Meds. I need some meds."

[Bizarre Magazine: Body Inflation]
[via Tumblr]

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Thanks, jRu!

Switching Geres

2009-07-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

Richard Gere debuts his new film, Hachiko: A Dog's Story, in Japan:

"We're not exactly sure where the little furball came from
...but boy does it look TIRED."

[photo via Splash]

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Cute Wars

2009-07-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago, my boyfriend and the cutest dog in the world (see above) were approached by his DISGRASIAN female neighbor, who had one burning question she wanted answered:

"Who's cuter? Me? Or the dog?"

I don't have a photo of this chick on me, but let me tell you. I'm not convinced she would've won this competition with a cactus (ZING!). The answer, which she didn't like, was a stunned: "THE DOG."

Point is, humans can't really contend with the cuteness of animals. It just doesn't work. We don't have the huggy softness of pandas. We don't have sad, round, kitten eyes. We don't employ a tiny frolic like the baby pudu deer. We don't have wet, little, puppy noses.

Few people have a shot against a cute animal. And I will argue that when it comes down to it, we've really only got one secret weapon against our animal kingdom pals: the Asian baby.

"Pandas, you don't have a prayer."

My GOD, our babies are so damn cute that their cuteness could melt glaciers.

So if a teeny-tiny Asian baby dukes it out with a tabby cat (like in this photo competition we just discovered via Buzzfeed)...

...we honestly don't know who has the upper hand. Probably the kid. Probably.

[BuzzFeed: Asian Baby vs. Garfield]

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Thanks, Jasmine!

BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN! Jessica Simpson

2009-07-09T09:54:00.000-07:00

Birthdays are nice, because sometimes they force us to say something pleasant to or about people we're not usually all that nice to.

This week, that person is Jessica Simpson, who we've historically been, y'know, less-than-forgiving to (Note to Ms. Simpson below the pic):

HELLO Jessica Simpson, and happy birthday! You're 29 and ~~it shows~~ wow, ~~you've never looked better~~ it's awesome to still be able to say you're in your twenties and unmarried and loving it, right? We'd like to wish you a great year ~~and, for your sake, the ability to find some kernel of real talent within yourself so that you might actually become somewhat relevant in the public eye again~~. Party hard, lady! Maybe you can keep the birthday cake in your own mouth this time (see above for memories)!

xoxo
DISGRASIAN

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Sam Yoon for Mayor of Boston!

2009-07-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

Boston City Councilman Sam Yoon is currently running for mayor. A Democrat who was born in Seoul, moved to the U.S. at 10 months old, and became a citizen at 10 years old, Sam is the first Asian-American to hold elected office in Boston. Bear in mind that Boston is one of America's oldest cities, almost 379 years old. To be the first Asian-American elected official in the city's storied 379 year-history is nothing short of amazian.

We sat down recently for a Q & A with Sam about his campaign. We not only learned of his stellar qualifications--Princeton undergrad, Harvard grad, community organizing--we also discovered something completely unexpected about the 39 year-old politician. As they'd say in Boston, Sam is wicked funny.

Over email, we discussed some of DISGRASIAN's favorite topics: Hardass Asian Parents, math, advanced degrees, hot dogs, and, of course, the Boston Red Sox.

Why did you decide to get into politics?

Because it was the one career choice that would completely befuddle my parents.

When you decided to pursue a career in politics, did your Asian parents try to convince you to go to law school instead? Were they worried you wouldn't make enough money as a public servant?

After my parents paid for a very expensive college education at Princeton, I became a teacher. After my brother graduated from Yale, he pursued ministry. We were going into the two lowest-paid professions. My parents got used to it.

You taught math in New Jersey public schools after graduating Princeton. Are you good at math? Are you good at math because you're Asian?

All of the above. I'm a proud Asian math geek.

So studious! So Asian!

How many musical instruments were you forced to play as a child?

Two: piano, then the flute. My immigrant parents didn't know how much cooler it would have been had they chosen the saxophone. Or trumpet.

We understand your wife Tina has a doctorate in biology from MIT. Do you ever call her Dr. Yoon?

Because she got her graduate degree from MIT and mine’s only from Harvard, of course she makes me call her Dr. Yoon. Truthfully, sometimes we get wedding invitations addressed to "Mr. and Dr. Yoon." Which isn't humiliating at all. Really.

When people say, "An Asian-American mayor of Boston? Really? I never really pictured that," what do you say?

I don't blame you. Look at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_mayors_of_Boston

But then try scrolling down this list: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Us_presidents

Sam finds another Asian at the St. Patty's Day parade! w00t!

What issues will you focus on as mayor of Boston?

Check out my website samyoon.com and while you’re there please donate $500.

The Bruins went to the Conference Semis this year. The Celts won the NBA Finals in 2008. The Sox won the World Series in 2007 and 2004. And the Pats have won three Super Bowls this decade. What's in the water in Boston these days that's making its sports franchises so great?

Steroids, obviously. I'm looking into whether or not this is legal.

If you could play any position on the Red Sox team, what would it be?

Pitcher, because I’m sure any Korean could be at least as good as the three Japanese pitchers we have already. Not that there's any rivalry between Koreans and Japanese or anything.

If you were a Red Sox player, what would be your at-bat song?

"Mr. Roboto" by Styx.

How fast is your fastball?

Faster than Dice-K’s these days. [Ouch! But true. Sigh.--Ed.]

What's your favorite food at Fenway?

Truth be told, I’m a huge hot dog fan; the Monster Dogs are good.

Hypothetical scenario: You have the choice of saving either a Yankee player or your political opponent from a burning house. What do you do?

Save my political opponent, because I want to beat him.

Reaching new Orient Heights, indeed!

[Sam Yoon for Mayor]

Source

ROCK OF ASIAN: Judith Hill, "Heal the World" Singer

2009-07-08T11:19:00.000-07:00

The only time I cried Tuesday during the Michael Jackson memorial was in the middle of it, when I went back to sleep after an awful night of tossing and turning and dreamed that I was crying, uncontrollably, that hiccupy, face-contorting, ugly kind of crying. It was unclear in the dream why I was crying, but I remember being surprised by my tears. And then I woke up and watched the rest of the memorial service, which I had recorded, dry-eyed.

There was something so chilling about mourning a man in the most public of ceremonies whose great tragedy was that he had never had a private life. Even in death, there wasn't any way for Michael Jackson to walk--or be driven in a casket--down the street unnoticed.

And the memorial service itself, while undoubtedly providing fans some kind of catharsis--and entertainment, searing into our brains one last time this notion that Michael was the consummate entertainer--felt strangely like an awards show and not a funeral, an awards show with a peculiar dress code: black clothing, sad faces, choked-back tears. (Except for Mariah, who, god bless her, adorned her mourning garb with a Farrah Fawcett-worthy hair flip, cleavage down to there, and sequins.) Everyone who eulogized Michael was so famous, chyrons identifying them to the general public were dispensed with by and large.

Perhaps that's why I found Judith Hill's performance of "Heal the World" towards the end of the service so moving. Hill, who's half-black and half-Japanese and whose parents met in a funk band in the 70's, was scheduled to be one of Michael's backup singers during his shows in London, and was, until yesterday, a complete unknown. Hours before Rolling Stone identified her, our friend Raymond, cofounder of URB magazine, Tweeted her identity and website (I don't know how he figured it out, he's just brillz that way).

Every time she sang the line "heal the world," I thought she might actually do it. There was joy tempering the pain, and unlike so many of the other performances of the day, hers didn't feel produced--in the sense of "lights, camera, action"--for an audience. Hill's rendition of the song Michael once said was the one he was most proud to have created wasn't transmitted through this thick static of celebrity, performance, apology, legacy-asserting, and possibly fake-tears. Which is why it almost brought me to real ones. And I think I might have cried if I knew what exactly I was crying for, unlike in my dream, where I cried and cried for no reason.

Would I be crying for him? Me? Those lost moments of childhood, jumping on my bed, singing every line that I could make out in Thriller, believing there was no greater happiness?

[Judith Hill Music]
[Judith Hill MySpace]

Thanks, Raymond!