Short Funny Jokes and One liners

Misc. Jokes

2012-12-25T04:40:00.001-08:00

a) Most interesting line written
on the front of T-shirt of a

girl,
.
.
.
Excuse me !
My face is above.;-)

b) Marriage:
It`s an agreement in which a

man loses his bachelor degree

and a woman gains her master

c) I have lots ofjokes in my inbox,But I can`t send you all of them,It will take a lot of time,So I`m sending u just1 joke"You areso beautiful"

Husband and Wife

2012-12-23T23:41:00.001-08:00

Wife:yesterday-night I saw a dream, that u were sending me Jewelry and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill !!!

Stock Market Blues..

2012-12-23T23:39:00.001-08:00

A recently fired stock trader said ...

"This is worse than divorce...
I have lost everything and I still have my wife..."

Santa jokes

2012-12-23T00:51:00.001-08:00

Teacher to Santa Singh: Complete this sentence.

"Early to Bed , Early to Rise ".

Santa Singh : This man has no interest in his Wife

Accidental English-Indian Style

2012-06-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

My Father run fastest

2012-06-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

Three kids are in a schoolyard, bragging about how fast their fathers are.

My father runs the fastest, says the first. He can shoot an arrow, start to run, and he gets there before the arrow!

My dad has yours beat, says the second kid. He can shoot his gun and get there before the bullet!

Sorry, but my pops is the fastest, says the third kid. He's a civil servant. He gets off work at five and he's home by 3:45.

Are we poisonous?

2012-06-24T12:38:00.002-07:00

Two snakes are slithering around one day. One snake suddenly stops and turns to the other.

"Are we poisonous?" he asks.

"No, why?" replies the other.

The first snake says, "'Cause I just bit my tongue!"

it happens only in india

2012-06-13T01:02:00.001-07:00

f*****g bronco

2012-03-29T08:49:00.000-07:00

hence proved

2012-03-11T01:32:00.000-08:00

Fast and Furious

2012-02-14T12:11:00.001-08:00

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!

Happy Valentine's Day

2012-02-13T12:12:00.001-08:00

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

Can You Read This?

2012-02-10T01:57:00.000-08:00

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U717, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

HOP3 U C4N R34D 7H15?.

Week Days

2012-02-06T05:01:00.002-08:00

After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!

Where is God?

2012-02-05T00:53:00.000-08:00

A School teacher of preschoolers was worried that his student might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understand that the birth of Jesus happened for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand energetically, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a reply. The teacher was totally at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"

Gold Rush

2012-02-04T00:27:00.001-08:00

In a bar, a guy asks the bartender totally stuffed the toilet that tells it with "at the bottom, left and right." The guy goes there, opened the door and there, stunned, he sees the toilet in GOLD! The enjoyment was at its height and the guy decides to package ...
The next day, the drunkard meets one of his friends and he says he shit in the toilet of gold by specifying where the coffee. The boyfriend does not believe too, but decided to go to the bar to check. Comes before the bartender asks: - Where is your gold toilet?
The bartender turned his gaze to the other side of the bar:
- Hey Richard, I found one who shit in your saxophone.

Thank you God

2012-02-03T01:45:00.000-08:00

A young boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a true excellent time like I am!"

Who's Speaking?

2012-02-02T22:20:00.000-08:00

John was frantically in love with Kate, but couldn't get up enough nerve to pop the question face to face.

At last he decided to ask over her on the telephone. "Darling! He revealed out, "Will you marry me?"

"Of course, I will, you silly boy," she replied, "Who's speaking?"

Smartest People on earth

2012-01-31T22:00:00.000-08:00

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Unexpectedly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remain.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Q n A

2011-11-23T11:05:00.000-08:00

Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.

Its time

2011-11-23T10:56:00.001-08:00

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

No jobs, no Hopes

2011-11-18T03:04:00.000-08:00

When Americans woke up last month, they suddenly realized:
15 years ago they had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope ... Today they have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope....

Old lady and a cop

2011-11-11T20:29:00.000-08:00

A little old lady walked up to a cop and said, "I was attacked! I was attacked!"
The cop said, "When?"
She said, "Twenty-three years ago."
The cop said, "What are you telling me now for?"
The little old lady said, "I just like to talk about it once in a while."

So Did I

2011-11-05T11:49:00.000-07:00

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

Blonde paint job

2011-10-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."