Clean Jokes and Gags

Q n A

2011-11-23T11:05:00.000-08:00

Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.

Its time

2011-11-23T10:56:00.001-08:00

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

No jobs, no Hopes

2011-11-18T03:04:00.000-08:00

When Americans woke up last month, they suddenly realized:
15 years ago they had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope ... Today they have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope....

Old lady and a cop

2011-11-11T20:29:00.000-08:00

A little old lady walked up to a cop and said, "I was attacked! I was attacked!"
The cop said, "When?"
She said, "Twenty-three years ago."
The cop said, "What are you telling me now for?"
The little old lady said, "I just like to talk about it once in a while."

So Did I

2011-11-05T11:49:00.000-07:00

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

Blonde paint job

2011-10-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

What a woman says and what a man hears

2011-10-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON, blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!

Pay in Advance

2011-10-05T12:43:00.001-07:00

Aunt Aggie went to see her physician. She complained,
"Doctor, I don't know what to do. You've got to help me; I just can't remember a thing. I've no memory at all. I hear something one minute, and the next minute I forget it. Tell me, what should I do?"
Her doctor replied, "Pay in advance!"

Mr Fixit

2011-10-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Good wrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

Run Mister Run

2011-09-30T12:29:00.000-07:00

Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a child trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it.
The man calls out, "Let me get that for you." He bounds onto the porch and rings the bell.
"Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run."

Whose Who

2011-09-28T00:59:00.000-07:00

There was an elderly man visiting a doctor for his check-up. As he was leaving he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his wife. "What's wrong with her?" asked the doctor. The old man explained that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing. The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help but he wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help the doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss. The doctor said "When you get home, make sure your wife's back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results".

That night when the old man opened the door of his home he could see his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door. "What's for dinner?" the old man asked. His wife did not respond so he walks to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. This time he walks up just behind her and asks once again "What's for dinner?" His wife spins around a bit agitated and says "For the third time, Fried Chicken!!"

Plumber Vs Doctor

2011-09-27T01:31:00.000-07:00

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called the plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, repaired the pipe, and handed the doctor a bill for six hundred dollars.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber quietly replied, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

Blessed

2011-09-25T03:00:00.000-07:00

"What are you so happy about?" a women asked the ninety eight-year-old man.
"I broke a mirror," he replied.
"But that means seven years of bad luck."
"I know," he said, beaming. "Isn't it wonderful?"

Two in One

2011-09-23T03:34:00.000-07:00

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked, "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

God's name

2011-09-22T11:02:00.001-07:00

Mary Ames died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter was quizzing the new arrivals. "Before you may enter, can you tell me God's first name?" he asked.
After thinking a moment, Mary smiled and said, "Andy!"
"Andy?" St. Peter replied. "Where'd you get Andy?"
"We sang it in church all the time: 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.'"

Heavy Metal

2011-09-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

Lady: Is this my train?
Santa Singh: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I meant to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Santa Singh: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.

Flee the Flea

2011-09-18T23:55:00.000-07:00

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

Distant Call

2011-09-18T00:53:00.000-07:00

Santa: After buying this new hearing aid, I am able to hear something two blocks away.
Banta: Cool, how much did it cost?
Santa: The time is three past ten.

Mobile bill

2011-09-17T03:00:00.000-07:00

Banta: Excuse me... how much is my mobile bill?
Call centre girl: Sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status
Banta: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL [Electricity bill :)] my MOBILE BILL.

Relaxing

2011-09-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

Santa Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America .
A lady came and asked him, 'Are you relaxing?'
Santa Singh answered, 'No, I am Santa Singh'
Another guy came and asked him the same question.
Santa Singh answered, 'No! No! Me Santa Singh!'
A third one came and asked him the same question again.
Santa Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his
place.
While walking he saw another man soaking in the sun.
He went up to him and asked, 'Are you Relaxing?'
The other man was a lot more educated and answered,
'Yes, I am relaxing.'
Santa Singh slapped him on his face and said,'Stupid,
idiot. Everyone is
looking for you and you are sitting over here!'

Open Sky

2011-09-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

Santa Singh and Banta Singh were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Santa woke Banta up and said: “Banta, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Banta replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Santa said: “and what do you deduce from that?”
Banta replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Santa said: “Banta, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

Double Coat

2011-09-14T02:52:00.000-07:00

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Democracy?

2011-09-13T11:43:00.000-07:00

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

Banta, please concentrate!

2011-09-13T11:09:00.000-07:00

Q: Why did the Banta stare at a can of orange juice for four hours?
A: The can had 'Concentrate' printed on it.

Need a Vet

2011-09-11T08:55:00.000-07:00

“Darling,“ whispered a frail little husband from his chair.

“I‘m very sick, would you please call me a vet?“

“A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?“

asked his wife.

The husband replied, “Because I work like a horse, live like

a dog, and have to sleep with a cow.“