Clean Jokes and Gags

f*****g bronco

2012-03-29T08:49:00.000-07:00

hence proved

2012-03-11T01:32:00.000-08:00

Fast and Furious

2012-02-14T12:11:00.001-08:00

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!

Happy Valentine's Day

2012-02-13T12:12:00.001-08:00

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

Can You Read This?

2012-02-10T01:57:00.000-08:00

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U717, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

HOP3 U C4N R34D 7H15?.

Week Days

2012-02-06T05:01:00.002-08:00

After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!

Where is God?

2012-02-05T00:53:00.000-08:00

A School teacher of preschoolers was worried that his student might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understand that the birth of Jesus happened for real. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand energetically, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a reply. The teacher was totally at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"

Gold Rush

2012-02-04T00:27:00.001-08:00

In a bar, a guy asks the bartender totally stuffed the toilet that tells it with "at the bottom, left and right." The guy goes there, opened the door and there, stunned, he sees the toilet in GOLD! The enjoyment was at its height and the guy decides to package ...
The next day, the drunkard meets one of his friends and he says he shit in the toilet of gold by specifying where the coffee. The boyfriend does not believe too, but decided to go to the bar to check. Comes before the bartender asks: - Where is your gold toilet?
The bartender turned his gaze to the other side of the bar:
- Hey Richard, I found one who shit in your saxophone.

Thank you God

2012-02-03T01:45:00.000-08:00

A young boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a true excellent time like I am!"

Who's Speaking?

2012-02-02T22:20:00.000-08:00

John was frantically in love with Kate, but couldn't get up enough nerve to pop the question face to face.

At last he decided to ask over her on the telephone. "Darling! He revealed out, "Will you marry me?"

"Of course, I will, you silly boy," she replied, "Who's speaking?"

Smartest People on earth

2012-01-31T22:00:00.000-08:00

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Unexpectedly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remain.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Q n A

2011-11-23T11:05:00.000-08:00

Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.

Its time

2011-11-23T10:56:00.001-08:00

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

No jobs, no Hopes

2011-11-18T03:04:00.000-08:00

When Americans woke up last month, they suddenly realized:
15 years ago they had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope ... Today they have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope....

Old lady and a cop

2011-11-11T20:29:00.000-08:00

A little old lady walked up to a cop and said, "I was attacked! I was attacked!"
The cop said, "When?"
She said, "Twenty-three years ago."
The cop said, "What are you telling me now for?"
The little old lady said, "I just like to talk about it once in a while."

So Did I

2011-11-05T11:49:00.000-07:00

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

Blonde paint job

2011-10-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

What a woman says and what a man hears

2011-10-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON, blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!

Pay in Advance

2011-10-05T12:43:00.001-07:00

Aunt Aggie went to see her physician. She complained,
"Doctor, I don't know what to do. You've got to help me; I just can't remember a thing. I've no memory at all. I hear something one minute, and the next minute I forget it. Tell me, what should I do?"
Her doctor replied, "Pay in advance!"

Mr Fixit

2011-10-02T00:07:00.000-07:00

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Good wrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

Run Mister Run

2011-09-30T12:29:00.000-07:00

Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a child trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it.
The man calls out, "Let me get that for you." He bounds onto the porch and rings the bell.
"Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run."

Whose Who

2011-09-28T00:59:00.000-07:00

There was an elderly man visiting a doctor for his check-up. As he was leaving he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his wife. "What's wrong with her?" asked the doctor. The old man explained that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing. The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help but he wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help the doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss. The doctor said "When you get home, make sure your wife's back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results".

That night when the old man opened the door of his home he could see his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door. "What's for dinner?" the old man asked. His wife did not respond so he walks to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. This time he walks up just behind her and asks once again "What's for dinner?" His wife spins around a bit agitated and says "For the third time, Fried Chicken!!"

Plumber Vs Doctor

2011-09-27T01:31:00.000-07:00

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called the plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, repaired the pipe, and handed the doctor a bill for six hundred dollars.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber quietly replied, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

Blessed

2011-09-25T03:00:00.000-07:00

"What are you so happy about?" a women asked the ninety eight-year-old man.
"I broke a mirror," he replied.
"But that means seven years of bad luck."
"I know," he said, beaming. "Isn't it wonderful?"

Two in One

2011-09-23T03:34:00.000-07:00

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked, "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"