To Love And Be Loved

My New RVs

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 01:36:00 +0000

I love to travel. I have a dream to travel around the world someday. I bought the new RVs to accompany me while traveling. The room in my new RVs is spacious and complete. It made me feel comfort when I traveling with my whole family. Hum, I will bring my RVs to travel every where. I am sure that's will really fun!

Mommy Bloggers

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 02:55:00 +0000

This morning I found a unique bloggers community on the internet. Its name is mommy bloggers. This community is a website that connects women bloggers, including mom bloggers, product reviewers, fashionistas, techies and others, with the public relations and marketing professionals who issue the news and promote the products that women care about most. Hum, you should join to this community if you are women ;).

You will have to join on Beezmap if you have high creativity

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 13:59:00 +0000

Collage

Avatar

Wardrobe

You will have to join on Beezmap if you have high creativity. Beezmap is a multi-media SOCIAL CONTENT site. You can create online collages, avatar and wardrobe, communities and blogs, and feel free to add media such as mp3, video and image there. You can also share your creation from this site to your favorite social sites such as Facebook and MySpace. Do not miss it! That site is really fun!

Finally, Vita and Erfan got married!

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 16:13:00 +0000

Finally, Vita and Erfan got married! I attended to their wedding reception last week. The wedding reception is extremely interesting packed. The guests were entertained with dances, country wedding music, various foods and pre-wedding video from the bride and groom. Och, they are so romantic and really make me jealous :p. The atmosphere of their wedding reception were really full of love.

The Kreio Outerwear

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Sun, 17 Oct 2010 07:45:00 +0000

Cool...finally I see quality outerwear hitting the fashion floor ^o^

I just ran into my friend who is a fashionista and picked out a luxury Kreio outerwear piece made out of Piacenza cashmere. She was all decked out in Kreio fashion last night.

She picked up Kreio at Neiman’s and loved all the different colors and different styles. She loved her Kreiotreo ;).

She had to pick up a ski style as well. She actually looked thinner and sexier in the KREIO outerwear. That's incredible!

The Kreio brand is hot and all the outerwear is like a second skin or a women’s blazer.

Throw out the sweaters most of them are insulated too with Thermore! Kreio is super luxury and the cashmere collection for Kreio is like butter!!

Kreio really out did themselves with that cashmere quality. The Kreio outerwear fit is killer!

I don’t feel like the Michelin man walking down the street anymore!! She was decked out in Kreio style last night in the city, so I was a little jealous and went to Neiman’s and picked out a Kreio outerwear piece like her!

My blogs ^o^

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 09:18:00 +0000

Semua blog dibawah ini, terindikasi kepunyaan hanya satu orang! :p

Siapa dia?

Jreng...jreng...

Dia adalah Angelina Kusuma alias Enjie wkwkwk =))

*Busyet deh, ternyata gue udah 'nyampah' segitu banyak di Internet ye :p

1. City of Enjie @Multiply
2. Angelina Kusuma @Blogspot
3. Daily of Enjie @Blogspot
4. Anime Storage @Blogspot
5. Fesyen Gaya @Blogspot
6. The Best World of Love @Blogspot
7. The Side World @ Blogspot
8. 1 Corinthians 13 - Love @Blogspot
9. City of Enjie @ Blogspot
10. Eenjiee @ Multiply
11. Enjie Anggie @Friendster
12. Ide-ide Wirausaha @Blogspot
13. Info Beasiswa Populer @ Blogspot
14. Angelnet Ponorogo @Blogspot
15. City of Enjie @Vox
16. Enjie @Otofriends
17. Angelina Kusuma @Comeze
18. Fesyen Gaya @Wordpress

Tapi ga semuanya blog itu up date seh. Dari segitu banyaknya blog yang gue bikin, Cityofenjie @Multiply and Angelinakusuma @Blogspot adalah 'nyawa' utamanya. Yang lain-lain, iseng doang ngisinya :p.

Dulu pertama kali gue nge-blog, bikinnya di Friendster. Trus kenal Fay alias Fifi Sunari yang punya seabrek-abrek blog, gw jadi ikut-ikutan punya banyak blog juga deh :D.

*Kayaknya si Fay punya lebih banyak blog dari gue deh. Lha, gue aja yang 'anak buah'-nya punya 18 blog, apelagi 'suhu'-nya yak? wkwkwk.

Ada yang inget alamat blog-blog gue yang lainnya? Laporin ke gue ya! Mungkin ada yang kelupaan gue tulis di daftar ini hahaha =)).

Erkin Bekbolotov

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 02:39:00 +0000

I like jazz. This music makes me feel relaxed and peaceful. After working for a day I usually listen to jazz while resting at home. A jazz harmony always makes my tired gone!

I'm looking for information about the latest jazz on the internet once a week before deciding to buy a jazz album that I desire. And today I found "It Amazes Me", a solid jazz album with a mix of traditional and post bop. Well, it seems so nice.

The discovery of this news made me read the article more deeply. The album "It amazes me" by Bob Mover was produced by Erkin Bekbolotov. He is a music producer, businessman, and philanthropist. Wow, I think Erkin Bekbolotov is also a great man.

He Said-She Said: The Desires of Your Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 04:53:00 +0000

Cliff Young & Laura MacCorkle

EDITOR'S NOTE: Each He Said-She Said column features a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness, please click here to submit (selected questions will be posted anonymously).

QUESTION: I keep coming across Psalm 37:4 that says, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." I am 43, and I did not have the desire to be married until I accepted the Lord back in '05. From that point on I have wanted to be in a Christian marriage with a God-fearing man. I came to the conclusion that it was not God's will for me to be single, and I have asked him to make his desires for my life my desires and to take away the desires I have that aren't his will for me. It's been two years since my last relationship, and I'm still single with that same desire for marriage—only it is stronger than before. At what point will I know if this desire is from the Lord or my flesh?

HE SAID: This is a great question and one many of us have probably pondered or asked ourselves at some point in our lives—"How do I know if the desires I have are from the Lord or from my flesh?" I go to church, study my Bible, seek wise, godly counsel and pray, yet, at times, I still can't distinguish what the origin of my desire is.

As we search for answers, we can sometimes make the mistake of reading into a situation thinking it must be God's will since "it" hasn't happened yet.

If God wanted me to be happy, I'd be happy.
If God's wish for me was to be healed, I'd be healed.
If God's desire for me was to be married, I'd be married.

Don't fall into the trap of living your life as negative "absolutes" (or the "Eeyore syndrome"). This is part of the enemy's plan to distract us, discourage us, and not live our lives focusing on the goodness of God.

In our search for a biblical perspective to this and other questions, we must be careful to always read a passage as written and in context. Psalm 37:4 does not say, "He will bring you the desires of your heart so delight in the Lord," but rather, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

It's easy to skip to the latter part of this verse since that's where the "good stuff" is—when WE receive the desires of our heart. However, oftentimes we never get to that part because we are searching with the wrong wants and motives and not living for him.

Preceding and following Psalm 37:4, the Bible says, "Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper" (verse 3); "Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him and he will help you." (verse 5).

These are conditional statements. Trust and do, then… Commit, trust and (then) he will…. We must be obedient to his Word (period) and he will decide the rest. I used to read the Bible as a contractual partnership between me and God. If I do this, then he will do what I want. He (and "it") doesn't work like that.

The Bible says we are to trust him, do good, delight ourselves in him, commit everything we do to him, then we will live safely and prosper, then he will bring you the desires of your heart, then he will help you.

When I look at my life and think, I'm not married, my response is not "God wants me to be single," but rather God wants me to still do something—I need to trust him more, I need to do more good, I need to commit more of what I do to him, I need to be more obedient, I need to learn something, maybe my future spouse needs to work on herself or God is protecting me from something at this time.

He has given me the desire to be married since I was young and I don't believe he gives a desire, takes it away and then maybe gives it back. He is not a wishy-washy God.

I believe most Christians probably want what God wants for them, but often in their own time frame and as long as they have final approval. However, if we learn to be more obedient, love him more, love others more, we will grow closer to understanding who he is and begin to discern what his desires are for us.

If we focus and live our life in order to delight in the Lord first (instead of ourselves), our desires will be in line with God's desires, which will be his unimaginable best for our life.

SHE SAID: Finally. An easy question to answer! (Just kidding. Really.) This is a tough one, and I don't think you are alone in asking it. I think many of us have wondered if a particular desire is from the Lord or is just something of our own making.

I believe that if we are seeking God's will for our lives, that he will shape our desires and direct our hearts toward what he wants us to yearn for, to be excited about or ultimately to do in our lives (Proverbs 3:5-6). But when it comes to timing, it's a bit of a mystery, isn't it? God works in ways that are many times not expected and other times are just not very understandable at all to you and I (or to our family or friends who may be praying right along with us for whatever we are desirous of in our lives).

When I think of someone in the Bible who greatly desired something and prayed and waited and waited and waited, I immediately think of Hannah (1 Samuel 1). In this case, while her desire was not for marriage but for a child, I think we can still learn from her example.

What made Hannah's circumstances difficult was the fact that her husband Elkanah was married not only to Hannah but to Peninnah—and Penninah had children, while Hannah had none. I am sure this must have been frustrating for Hannah to see a picture of motherhood right in front of her day after day after day. Also, the Bible tells us that Penninah "kept provoking her in order to irritate her." So, imagine that, if you will. What if you had a close girlfriend (or a sister or another female relative) who had recently gotten married and not so kindly kept reminding you of the fact that she is married and you are not? How would you feel? Would you be disheartened? Would you give up?

Hannah's suffering at the hand of her rival continued, year after year. Her husband even tried to comfort her. "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" We also read how Hannah poured out her heart to the Lord in the temple. And then later, we see that Hannah did conceive and gave birth to a son named Samuel whom she dedicated to the Lord (just as she had promised she would do).

So what can we, as singles, take away from Hannah?

She had a strong desire, and she didn't discount it or ignore it.
She endured suffering and didn't retaliate.
She continually brought her requests to the Lord.
She poured out her heart, she wept and she was honest.
She gave what she wanted (and was given) right back to God for his purposes and his glory.

Just like wanting to have a child, marriage is a wonderful thing to desire. It is natural, it is healthy and it is created by God (purposed not for our "happiness" but to refine us and to glorify him—Ephesians 5:21-33). But while holding on to this desire and seeking God's will for our lives, circumstances might not always be the best and people might not always be kind or sensitive or considerate when you desire something in your life and have not yet seen it come to fruition.

I don't know all the particulars of your situation, but I would be surprised if you were not surrounded by other women who are either already married or are engaged or are at least in promising dating relationships. This can be hard for single women who also desire marriage to be amongst other women who have seemingly easily attained what you desire. It can also be discouraging when those who are married may not be sensitive in their interactions with those who are not. "Why don't you try this?" Or "This worked for me, so you should do it, too." Or how about, "You'll never find a man if you don't ________." Ever heard any of those "suggestions"? Whether they are meant to "help" or to provoke, they can be hard for a single woman to hear and to receive graciously. (And I imagine that infertile women—and/or their husbands—who desire to have children and must endure insensitive comments or invasive questioning might feel the same way, too.)

Again, I'm just speculating. But as one single woman to another, I imagine that you might have also experienced these things or have felt this way, too. Also, in our day and age, if you are not married by a certain age (say, sometime in your mid to late 30s?) then people start to wonder. "What's wrong with you?" "Have you worked through your issues?" "You're too picky." "You have to put yourself out there." "Why don't you ask him out?" "You're not getting any younger." "Your options are only dwindling." And so forth.

The flip side of this could be comments like "You should stop focusing on what you don't have and count your blessings!" Or "At least you're not in a loveless marriage!" Or maybe "Marriage doesn't equal happiness and won't solve all of your problems!" Yes, those are all very true perspectives. But wouldn't it be nice to have someone just give you a virtual hug by acknowledging your suffering and validating whatever loss you are feeling in your life? That's the kind of friend I want when I'm hurting and feeling discouraged—someone who might say:

"I know this must be hard for you to have such a strong desire to marry but are waiting for what seems like forever on God's timing and it's hard to understand what he is doing. I want you to know that I'm here for you, and you can cry on my shoulder. I will continue to pray for you that you will be encouraged and will trust in God and that he will comfort you when you feel alone and give you peace in the midst of your struggle."

Amen? You know, I read in one commentary that during Hannah's time, it was seen as a curse from God if a Hebrew man's wife could not conceive a son (as in, who would carry on the family name?). Also, it was seen as a curse when a woman was barren. So it sounds like Hannah was feeling the societal and cultural pressures that you might be feeling as well. And like you may be doing today, she grieved for something she wished she had in her life, too.

How long, oh Lord? How long?

I don't know "the point" when you will know. But whether God keeps this desire for marriage in your heart or whether he dissipates it, or fashions it into a new desire for something else, you must keep your eyes focused on him and you must be honest with what is going on in your heart (don't ignore it, don't negate it, just give it to God).

"Father, I desire to marry and at times feel discouraged about it. But for now, please show me how you want me to live today. What do you want me to learn? How can I make a difference in the lives of others? Show me how to give my life to you, so that you may use me for your purposes and your glory wherever you have positioned me today."

Believe me, I know that keeping a perspective like that is not easy. You don't just pray one prayer and … poof! … you no longer ever struggle or question or feel bitter about something you desire for your life. We must daily turn our minds to Christ, yield our lives and ask him to help us focus on him and not our circumstances.

One final note: For further reading, may I recommend John MacArthur's Twelve Extraordinary Women? The chapter on Hannah ("Hannah: A Portrait of Feminine Grace")—in addition to the other 11 that explore the lives of some amazing, faithful women of the Bible—are encouraging, enlightening and will hopefully remind you that you are not alone in your questions, your situation or your desires in this life.

Your Brain in Love

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Sat, 22 May 2010 04:30:00 +0000

Whitney Hopler

Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Dr. Earl Henslin's book, This is Your Brain in Love: New Scientific Breakthroughs for a More Passionate and Emotionally Healthy Marriage, (Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2009).

Although many couples simply expect passion to fade out of their marriages, that's not an inevitable fate. You and your spouse can experience lasting passion together if you understand how each of your brains work, and how to use that knowledge to keep passion alive in your relationship.

Here's how you can experience lasting passion in your marriage:

Recognize that your brain affects your relationships. When your brain is troubled, you tend to sabotage your relationships as you struggle with challenges like moodiness, anger, and inattentiveness. But when your brain is working correctly, you tend to invest well in your relationships through qualities like thoughtfulness, caring, and reliability.

Refuel your brain with the chemicals of love. Combining sexuality and spirituality - enjoying sex as a sacrament - floods you and your spouse's brains with hormones that make you feel more in love with each other. When you make love as a holy act together, your brain chemistry strengthens your bond as husband and wife.

Bring your best brain to your marriage. Both you and your spouse should try to balance your brain chemistry in healthy ways to make your marriage the best it can be. Consider getting a brain scan done by a qualified neurologist who can explain the results and suggest treatments. But you can start by observing behavior patterns that you and your spouse often notice each other display, and identify what emotions lurk behind those behaviors. If you can normalize your emotions by balancing your brains, your marriage will be much stronger than it would be otherwise. In fact, the problems that you may be seeking marital therapy for now may evaporate, making therapy unnecessary.

Heal if you're a scattered lover. A scattered lover (one with high amounts of energy who is often absent-minded) may be suffering from brain problems in the prefrontal cortex. Some possible treatments: Eat frequent meals and snacks to help you focus throughout each day. Use fish oil supplements. Get intense aerobic exercise for 30 to 45 minutes daily. Try to avoid distractions whenever possible. Make a daily to-do list. Give yourself a lot of extra time to get ready to go to appointments, and develop strategies that help you be on time. Allow time to rest between activities. Limit your screen time (on the computer, watching TV, etc.). Notice what time of the day is easiest for you to concentrate, and plan to use those times to have significant conversations with your spouse.

Heal if you're an over-focused lover. An over-focused lover (one with controlling thoughts) may be suffering from brain problems in the cingulated gyrus. Some possible treatments: Eat some carbohydrates to get extra serotonin (a relaxing neurotransmitter) to your brain. Take a supplement like St. John's Wort. Ask your doctor about prescribing a medication that increases the amount of serotonin in your brain. Talk to yourself in soothing ways, reminding yourself to relax and let go. Do some type of physical activity (like walking) to break up thoughts that loop around your mind and help you shift to a happier mental state. Regularly remind yourself of the good that your spouse has brought into your life, and let your gratitude help motivate you to forgive your spouse when he or she hurts you. Breathe deeply. Broaden your visual focus on what you see around you, since that will broaden your perspective on your circumstances, as well. Take a mental vacation to an island for renewal. Every day, tell God that you're giving up your own agenda and welcoming His plans for you.

Heal if you're a blue mood lover. A blue mood lover (one who is sad or depressed) may be suffering from brain problems in the deep limbic system. Some possible treatments: Do some meaningful physical labor, preferably outdoors (from gardening to working on your car) to elevate your mood. Eat frequent meals and snacks to keep your blood sugar levels steady and your energy up. Take a supplement like fish oil. Ask your doctor about prescribing antidepressant medication. Go outside each day to get some natural sunlight if possible, and consider using a therapeutic lamp indoors. Laugh as often as you can. Make love with your spouse regularly. Create an environment that fosters bright moods, such as by playing joyful music while you do household chores and decorating with colors that make you feel cheerful. Make your home, workplace, and car as attractive as possible, since being around beauty will elevate your mood. Avoid making any major decisions (especially in your marriage) until you feel better, since depression seriously skews your perspective on people and situations.

Heal if you're an agitated lover. An agitated lover (one who is easily angered or irritated) may be suffering from brain problems in the temporal lobes. Some possible treatments: Ask your doctor about prescribing appropriate medications. Take a supplement like fish oil. Avoid sugar in your diet as much as possible, since it leads to low blood sugar, which leads to aggressiveness. Play classical music to calm down. Go dancing with your spouse, because the combination of movement and music calms your brain. Get seven to nine hours of deep, restful sleep every night. Use a biofeedback device to manage your stress. Take anger management classes. Celebrate the good memories you have each day to turn negative thoughts into positive ones.

Heal if you're an anxious lover. An anxious lover (one who is panicked or fearful) may be suffering from brain problems in the basil ganglia. Recognize that you have the power to control your anxiety through techniques such as adding something familiar to an uncomfortable situation to make you feel more comfortable. Turn your worries into prayers. Question your anxious thoughts, asking yourself: "Is there another way to think about the same situation that might be more true, kind, uplifting, or positive?" Focus your attention on the area of your body that feels most anxious, and imagine a warm, healing light melting it away. Talk through an issue that's bothering you with a friend. Consider adopting a pet, since studies have shown that they help people reduce their anxiety levels. Exercise. Take a bath. Get a massage. Drink some hot tea. Use calming nutrition and supplements, and consider anti-anxiety medications.

Practice key behaviors toward your spouse. Show your spouse kindness, patience, forgiveness, and honesty as often as you can. When you make these behaviors habits, you'll fuel the flames of passion in your marriage.

What Do Men Think of Modesty?

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Thu, 20 May 2010 03:59:00 +0000

Kristin Chesemore

Kristin: Two weeks ago, we began our series from 1 Timothy 2:9-10 by considering the attitude behind the clothes we wear. Fashion that honors God comes from a heart of "modesty and self-control," and modesty is humility expressed in dress.

As for the appearance of the modest woman, we learned that she is to "adorn [herself] with respectable apparel." Not that it is wrong to look attractive! We learned that the essence of our desire to beautify actually comes from God. However, seductive, ostentatious dress is dishonoring to our Savior.

Today, we continue to focus on the appearance of the modest woman and one reason why it is so significant: it protects our brothers in Christ from temptation and sin. As my sister Nicole wrote in the book Girl Talk:

"Women are sometimes ignorant of the effect of their bodies on the eyes and hearts of men. But, for the most part, if we're honest, we'll admit that we know exactly what we're doing. We enjoy the attention of guys. As a pastor-friend of ours once remarked, ‘Guys lust and girls want to be lusted after.'"

To instruct all those who might be ignorant, and to remind the rest of us, I want you to hear from the guys themselves. Here are two young men sharing their struggle with lust. Let's call them "Kevin" and "Jack." I know they speak for the majority of godly men today.

Kevin: "Each and every day is a battle—a battle against my sin, a battle against temptation, a battle against my depraved mind. Every morning I have to cry out for mercy, strength, and a renewed conviction to flee youthful lusts. The Spirit is faithful to bring me the renewal I need to prepare me to do war against my sin, yet the temptation still exists.

"Sometimes, when I see a girl provocatively dressed, I'll say to myself, ‘She probably doesn't know that a hundred and one guys are going to devour her in their minds today. But then again, maybe she does.' To be honest, I don't know the truth—the truth of why she chooses to dress the way she does. All I know is that the way she presents herself to the world is bait for my sinful mind to latch onto and I need to avoid it at all costs.

"For the most part, the church serves as a sanctuary from the continual barrage of temptation towards sin. However, the church's members are not free from sin yet, and there are girls both ignorant and knowledgeable of men's sinful tendencies. I must confess that even church can have several mines scattered about."

Jack: "The one place where I might think I wouldn't have to face as much temptation is at church, but this is not always the case. When ladies whom I'm friends with dress immodestly, it definitely has a negative effect on our friendship. When a woman dresses immodestly it makes it difficult to see her as a sister in Christ. There is a constant battle going on as I'm talking with her. Communication becomes more difficult as I'm trying to listen to her, because I'm trying to fight temptation."

Here's what these young men say about women who do dress modestly. Hear the appreciation in their words:

Jack: "I am so grateful for the friendships that God has given me with the ladies in my church. I am so appreciative of the sacrifices that these ladies make to glorify God and to serve and care for the guys. I heard of one girl who went shopping and really liked the shirt she was trying on. But then she thought, ‘No, I can't do this to the guys.' That was the first time I had ever heard of anything like that and it made me so grateful. It is such a blessing to have friends who care for me enough to be selfless and sacrifice what might look attractive in order to help me and other guys with sexual lust. When ladies dress modestly, it's attractive and makes me want to hang out with them more. I think modesty is so attractive in friendships because it makes it easier for a friendship to be centered around God and for fellowship to be unhindered."

Kevin: "To the girls who don't follow the pattern of the world: thank you a million times over. You are following Scripture's commands and helping your brothers in the process. Despite all that godly men are doing to defeat the sin of lust, they still need help, and they need you to provide it."

The appeals of these young men striving for holiness pierce my heart in a unique way. Perhaps it's because I'm the mother of three young boys—boys who will become men someday and will undoubtedly face the same temptation to lust.

So, ladies, let's take to heart the temptations and pleas for help from Jack and Kevin--to serve the men today, and the young boys who will become men tomorrow.

Should You Get Engaged?

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 04:06:00 +0000

By Dave Gudgel

Thirty-two years ago I asked the question before the question. Recently my two sons did the same. Every year 2.3 million couples ask the same question. Though the question can be asked in as little as four words — "Should I get engaged?" — the potential impact is huge. That's why if you're currently considering asking or answering the "Would you marry me?" question, you need to be absolutely sure you're ready before you get engaged.

When I faced the question before the question, I wasn't completely sure if I was ready for engagement. So I asked one of my pastor friends if he thought I should ask Bernice to marry me. He was the pastor you went to when you needed some expert fatherly advice. And he knew Bernice and me both very well.

Jim's answer to my "Should I get engaged?" question was direct and simple. "Dave, you'd be crazy not to ask Bernice to marry you."

Shortly after that, I did pop the question. And in a moment of weakness, Bernice said "yes." I guess her answer was a miracle for me and a moment of insanity for her! Looking back I'm so grateful I popped the question.

Unlike others who also popped the question, but have lived to regret it.

Some years ago Ann Landers reported the results of an informal poll she took among her readers. She asked, "If you had it to do all over again, would you marry the same person?" Shockingly, 70 percent of her readers replied no, they would not marry the person they had married. To me that's tragic, but it's also preventable by carefully considering the top five signs that will help you determine if you're ready to pop (or say yes to) the question.

Would You Marry You?

A dating or engagement relationship, or ultimately a marriage, is only as healthy as the individuals in it. Relational health is vitally connected to individual health. It begins with you. That's why you need to first ask yourself "Would you marry you?" before you ask "Will you marry me?"

When my son, Brent, was contemplating his personal readiness for marriage he wrote, "It's a huge question. Would I marry myself or want someone to marry me? Am I ready to get married? 'Cause if not, I need to know now and I need to figure out how to get ready."

According to Jesus, your personal and relational health is vitally connected to the health of your relationship with God, others, and yourself (Mark 12:30-31). If your vertical relationship with God is healthy, your life will be surrendered to doing His will. If your horizontal relationship with others is healthy, your life will reflect acts of sacrifice. If your inward relationship is healthy, you'll see signs of stability in your mental and emotional makeup.

Shortly after I finished high school, I made an intentional decision to take a year to focus on getting my act together. Academically, I wasn't achieving my potential. Vocationally, I needed to determine the career path I would pursue. Socially, I needed to make some firm commitments to the relational standards and values I was going to live by. Suffice it to say, my personal life had several rough edges on it that needed focused attention.

Now as I look back, I'm so grateful for the decisions and changes I made during my freshman year of college. I began moving in the right direction toward becoming a better, healthier person. In fact, the year following my personal makeover work, Bernice and I began dating which eventually led to a great marriage.

Healthy marriages are built on healthy individuals. Not perfect individuals (we all have issues!), but individuals who are moving in a healthy direction. If you can't say, "I'd marry me" then you need to start getting your life together before you get engaged.

Are You All Dated Out?

If you get married before you're done dating, you'll be susceptible to past and future dating dangers. You can be burned by an old flame or fall into a new fling. Marriage is meant to be a one-man-one-woman "till death do us part" unconditional commitment — for life! Without this kind of lifelong commitment, you could find yourself with regrets like Trisha.

Three months after Trisha married, she told her mother, "I wish I wasn't married. I want to be able to hang out with my friends and meet new guys. I feel like I made a big mistake marrying Rick and now I'm stuck."

Unfortunately, Trisha's statement reflects two common dating dangers. First, the view that dating is all about me. To gratify my desires. To fulfill my wants. My needs. And without a dating focus shift from me to you, you can fall into a second dating danger — endless spousal shopping. Stuck in the belief that somewhere out there is a perfect person who will satisfy you, you keep on shopping. You keep playing the game and looking for the "perfect" person.

If you, like Trish, are a person who still enjoys the whole meeting-flirting-dating scene, you may need to examine your motives and reasons for dating. Anyone who is truly done dating is ready to make a selfless commitment to one person for life.

Do You Make A Good Couple?

The idea of a couple marrying because they complement each other isn't an insignificant sidelight. It's an essential consideration and legitimate reason for marriage. In fact, it's at the heart of why God created a man and woman to enjoy life together.

From the beginning of time, God said, "It's not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" (Gen. 2:18). God created a man and woman to complement each other — in body, soul and spirit. Together they can do more and be more than they would if they lived life alone. Their differences and similarities mold them each into better people.

As I look at my life over the past 30 years, it's obvious I've needed a "helper." Just ask my kids and colleagues. My life has been so much better than it would have been had Bernice not been my wife. To this day, I know I owe most of my accomplishments in the home, work and community to God's incredible work through Bernice and the many ways she has complemented my life.

When I work with couples who are considering marriage, I encourage them to think about the ways their similarities and differences could add or subtract from their relationship. Core values, personality differences, likes and dislikes, spending habits — these areas and more are essential factors in relational harmony and success.

The Prophet Amos made this point when he asked, "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" (Amos 3:3) The obvious answer is no. This truth was at the heart of why Sharon decided to break off her pre-engagement relationship with Chad.

Sharon told me she realized if she married Chad, she would end up resenting him because the kind of life he wanted was so different from what she wanted. He wanted a very traditional, ordered life, but Sharon's life was very non-traditional. She loved variety and change and adventure. Chad wanted stability, sameness, predictability. When Sharon realized that God had created her and Chad with very different values and passions, she realized she couldn't marry him.

Are You Spiritually Connected?

It's not by mistake that when Paul wrote about selecting a prospective spouse, the one thing he chose to focus on was the spiritual connection. Paul clearly said that a follower of Christ must marry another follower of Christ. As he described it, the other person "must belong to the Lord" (1 Cor. 7:39).

Having been raised in a home where I saw firsthand the effects of spiritual disharmony, I'm in complete agreement with Paul. If you're a follower of Christ, marry another follower of Christ. Otherwise your life and your home will suffer from your differing spiritual beliefs. Take it from Stephanie who learned this the hard way.

"I know I should have never married him," Stephanie blurted out. "I knew what the Bible said about marrying an unbeliever, but I ignored it. I just figured it would all work out. Well it hasn't. I'm so frustrated. It's gotten to the point in our marriage now where he doesn't want me to go to church on Sunday. He says it's the only day we can have together as a family. But I want our two children to grow up in the church. So Pastor Dave, what should I do?"

As you can imagine, there's no easy answer to that question after you're already married and spiritually mismatched. You're better off making sure you have a strong spiritual connection before you get engaged. I'd urge you first to consider if you both have a relationship with Christ, then also take into account each other's spiritual beliefs, practices, and commitments. Each of these vital areas will have a huge impact on your marriage.

What Does Your Heart Say?

If you're considering getting engaged and your heart feels heavy, tense, confused, uneasy or pressured, you need to find out what's wrong. Something isn't right and it needs to be checked out. It's in your best interest not to ignore those feelings.

Peace will keep you out of a marital accident. Not just peace relationally, but peace emotionally. It's obvious you as a couple need to be at peace with each other. You need to get along. But internal emotional peace is also necessary. It's one of the key ways God reveals His will in our lives.

Colossians 3:15 says, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace." When Paul used the word rule, he had in mind an umpire in athletic games who was the final authority. His point? Peace must be the final authority in your heart. Without it you could be making a mistake to play on.

I could hear the pain in Mark's voice when he said, "Not going through with my plan to ask Kim to marry me was the most difficult thing I have ever done." After 18 months of dating Kim, it looked like Mark was going to ask her to marry him. Everyone was expecting it. But instead, Mark ended up dropping a "we need to break-up" bomb, even after he had already bought the engagement ring.

When I asked Mark what his final determining reason was for not popping the question he said, "It really all boiled down to one thing. I didn't have peace about asking Kim to marry me. Even after I bought the ring, I felt like I was making a mistake, like it wasn't the right thing to do. I just didn't have peace about going through with it."

In addition to Mark's "trapped" feelings, there were several other factors that contributed to Mark's lack of peace. His friends and family weren't fully supportive. His finances were a mess. And when he considered whether or not marrying Kim was God's will, he had no clue.

Mark's lack of peace was more than just last minute wedding day butterflies. Having performed hundreds of weddings, I can say from experience that anxiety, sweaty palms, and even nausea are very common "last minute" subjective feelings. After all, getting married is a big commitment. You're going to feel something!

My concern is for the person like Mark whose lack of peace has been building over time and is directly connected to other objective factors. Negative feelings like these that are producing a lack of peace should not be ignored. I believe Mark's decision to not ask Kim to marry him was the right decision even though it was excruciatingly painful. He was smart to let the final authority in his heart make the final call.

If your heart is at peace about popping, or saying yes to, the question, I'm excited for you. It may be the final indicator you're ready for engagement and marriage.

Trust God to Turn Ugliness into Beauty in Your Life

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 14:49:00 +0000

By Whitney Hopler

You'll experience all kinds of ugly situations in this fallen world. But the more you learn to trust that God is in ultimate control of what you're going through, the more you'll see beauty emerge from the ugliness.

Here are some beautiful gifts that God will give you if you trust Him to transform ugly circumstances into something beautiful in your life:

The beauty of courage. You can always count on Jesus to help you overcome your fears. He doesn't come to get you out of the pain of life; He comes to live in you through it. Trust Jesus to empower you to handle even the worst situations well. Be confident that He is with you and you can rely on His strength to help you.

The beauty of brokenness. You can actually serve God in more powerful ways by being open with others about the brokenness in your life than you can by striving for perfection. Admit your weaknesses and mistakes, and ask God to use them to help others recognize Him at work as He helps you grow.

The beauty of transparency. Face the reality of what's true about yourself - including all the sin you're tempted to try to hide - and be honest with others about who you really are. Remember that God already knows everything about you, and He chooses to love you deeply. As you share your pain with others, bonds will develop between you that will draw you all closer to each other and God. As you trust that God truly loves you as you are, you'll be able to follow Him to amazing adventures.

The beauty of waiting and being present. When you're waiting for God to answer your prayers about something but don't see anything happening to encourage you, choose to trust that He is at work behind the scenes. Don't put your life on hold while you wait. Instead, live each day to the fullest, with the bold confidence that God still has good purposes for you to fulfill while you're waiting. Trust that God will answer your prayers in the right way at the right time.

The beauty of crying out to Jesus. When you feel as if God has abandoned you because He hasn't answered your prayers in the way you'd expected, don't despair. Choose to believe, no matter how your situation appears. Believe that God is poised to do what only He can do, and that He will help you do what you can do, to improve the situation according to what's best. Remember that God has designed you to live by faith and not by sight. Be honest with God about your pain and expect to do what's best from His perspective.

The beauty of seeing. Realize that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make God love you any more or less. Right now, just as you are, God loves you completely and unconditionally. Trust that God's love - expressed through Jesus' sacrifice on the cross for you - is all you need to face any situation.

The beauty of a quiet trust. Nothing done in Jesus' name is ever wasted. When you do acts of kindness and mercy that other people don't notice, God sees and treasures what you're doing. Trust that all God wants is your heart - a heart that truly loves Him and expresses it by living faithfully.

The beauty of taking a step forward. Don't worry about trying to do something well on your own. Instead, for each challenge you face, rely on God's unlimited power rather than on your own limited abilities. Trust that God will empower you to do anything that He calls you to do.

The beauty of forgiving. If you're harboring bitterness in your soul toward God because He has not made your dreams come true yet, choose to trust God's plans. Ask God to show you whether or not your dreams reflect His dreams for your life, which are sometimes greater than you can imagine. Decide to pursue God's dreams for you rather than just your own agenda. Trust God to make His dreams for you come true in just the right timing. When you let go of your grudges against God and pursue forgiveness, you'll discover the freedom you need to pursue His dreams for your life.

The beauty of a last chance. No matter how many mistakes you've already made, God will meet you where you are with forgiveness and the grace to grow when you turn to Him. It's never too late to place your trust in Him, as long as you're alive.

The beauty of giving your all. Trusting God is risky and costs a lot sometimes. But it's always worth it. Ask God to give you the strength you need to follow wherever He leads. The spiritual rewards you'll gain will far outweigh the sacrifices God asks you to make.

The beauty of a pilgrim. When God calls you to let go of what's familiar and move on to a new place or situation, be willing to trust Him enough to do so. Shift your focus from where you've been or where you're going on your journey of faith, to who you're becoming as a person in the process. Remember that what matters most isn't what assignments God gives you or how well you complete them, but what your heart is like in the midst of them. At the end of your journey on Earth, you'll have to give an account to Jesus of how you lived your life, why you made the choices you made, and what you held in your heart that only He could see. Trust Him fully in each day that He gives you, since that's what He cares about most.

Gentleness Isn't Being the "Nice Guy"

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 14:35:00 +0000

By Paul Coughlin

When Christian men hear or read about the virtue of gentleness, they often substitute this virtue with the vice of niceness. This is especially the case for younger Christian men, and the results can be deadly when it comes to love, marriage and fatherhood.

What is niceness? Niceness in many ways is a perverted form of gentleness. What does true gentleness look like? Genuine gentleness brings needed force into a situation or relationship, but it is a force that is moderate and kind in its presentation. Gentleness is respectful, but respectful enough to be truthful and at the same time gracious.

Niceness is often disguised as gentleness, but you can see the difference if you look closely. Mere “niceness” brings no redemptive power to a matter at hand, whether with a spouse, co-worker, or obnoxious coach who belittles and exasperates a child. The apostle Paul admonishes fathers not to exasperate their children (Ephesians 6:4). Christian men who focus on niceness try hard to fulfill this requirement but in many situations fail since a father’s lack of power frustrates and angers his children. Nice Christian men also fail to stop other fathers from exasperating their children because correcting another, may seem, well, not very nice. Due in part to their spiritual training, nice Christian men often double-exasperate children.

In many ways, the unstated goal of niceness is to say or do something without saying or doing anything truly meaningful. It favors manners over truth. Niceness is the drowning of force, the unwilling to use any. It is the state of being that has been defined for ages as "weak."

The understanding that a gentle man still wields force - albeit moderately - and with it power, is an eye-opening revelation to many of the Christian men at my conferences. Their spiritual training has them believing that gentleness means using no force at all - like niceness. This revelation often propels them into a better, though uncharted, direction.

When Is It Okay to be Forceful?

Learning to use the appropriate amount of force in any given situation takes time and a cultivation of virtue. Yes, the moderate use of force for redemptive purposes is a virtue, but please understand that it can also be a vice. Some situations in life demand setting aside even gentleness, requiring more than moderate levels of force. For example, a police officer who only uses moderate force may be a dangerous imposter when greater force is necessary to ensure peace and protection. By the way, if you trace the origin of the word virtue, as Dr. Henry Cloud has in his beneficial work Integrity, you'll see that one of its meanings is "force." Virtue brings energy and force to a situation. Niceness refuses the task, usually because of fear of rejection.

A man’s need to cultivate virtue brings us to another point: If the goal of Christian life is to imitate Jesus, then it’s important we have an accurate picture of Jesus. It's important we knock down, whenever possible, the anti-biblical and false idol of Pleasant and Mild Jesus, who we foolishly try to emulate. True, Jesus was gentle. But he was not always gentle, thank God. Moderate force cannot save us from wickedness, evil, addictions, the devious plans of others, or our own convenient rationalizations that bring numbing comfort but not true security. Sometimes the best thing a good person, or God, can do for us is to give the gift of desperation--something gentleness is ill-equipped to perform and something niceness never does.

I receive many letters from wives of Christian Nice Guys, explaining how heroic they’ve behaved in order to help their husbands be more involved, connected, and protective of their families. Yet no change has occurred. Sometimes the gift of desperation is the only option that works.

When you think about the people who are only gentle (or worse nice) in your life, how much do you trust them? Be honest. We trust people who know how to wield force and power in appropriate measures. Someone who is always gentle doesn’t do this, and we know this truth in our gut: 24/7 gentle people are not trustworthy of the more precious portions of our lives. This is another reason why when we worship God that we thank Him for giving us a good Savior, not a 24/7 gentle one.

The Necessity for Boldness in Family Life

Many Christian men entrust their spiritual advice to a band of men who are gentle but who also do not possess boldness and courage. I did this for a long time, and the advice I received during pivotal times in my life was earnest but only partially true. When the pressure’s on, earnestness isn’t good enough, and is far from wise counsel.

Let's make it more personal and less theoretical. Many Christian Nice Guys had gentle fathers, which was a blessing in many ways and a cursing wound in other ways if this is all the power they were willing to wield. We needed them to produce more force than what they were willing to produce on our behalf, as well as for our moms and siblings. I say "willing" instead of "able" because I believe that every man possesses the ability to create more assertive and aggressive acts of force but that these abilities have been perverted or have obstacles in their way. When the men in our families failed to be more than gentle, we were far more vulnerable to attack, misunderstandings, and disillusion regarding authority since one of our most intimate experiences with authority let us down.

Men like novelists Tobias Wolff and Donald Miller show us the neutered life of those who grow up without a father’s power because they had no father. They contain gripping accounts of male drifting, fecklessness, even wanderlust. A lack of male power can be just as wounding to women and children as a perverted or overabundant use of power - a wounding that radical feminism promotes today.

When men receive clarity regarding the difference between gentleness and niceness, they see that God gives them permission to be more forceful than they currently realize. Depression often lifts. Hope fills dry souls and spirits are enlivened. But then a fundamental question must soon be answered: Will I wield it for selfish gain, or as a warrior of light? The answer reveals what we love, and where we store our treasure.

1 Corinthians 13: Wisdom for Choosing a Good Spouse

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 15:51:00 +0000

By Kathy Collard Miller, D. Larry Miller, Larry Richards, Ph.D, Authors

Genesis 24:4 But will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac.

This story of Abraham, his servant, Rebekah, and Isaac is a beautiful account of a father who wanted the best for his son, a servant who honored his master and prayed for direction, a woman who was willing to go on an adventure, and a son who received the gift of a wise wife that his father provided. Each person trusted God, facing the challenges that came their way.

In his old age, Abraham sent his servant to find a bride for Isaac from among his relatives in the city of Nahor in the land of Mesopotamia. When the servant arrived there, pausing at a well, he prayed for God’s guidance and immediately met a very helpful woman named Rebekah, who offered to water his camels from the well. To his delight, he discovered that she was Abraham’s great-niece – the granddaughter of Abraham’s brother, Nahor. The servant proposed marriage to Rebekah and her family on Isaac’s behalf, and she left her family and country to become Isaac’s wife. When they were united, Isaac quickly fell in love with Rebekah.

How Others See It
David and Heather Kopp

“Isaac and Rebekah went on to have struggles in their marriage, mostly over their children. This doesn’t mean they were wrong for each other. It simply reminds us that even a marriage “made in heaven” must be lived out day-to-day on earth – with and in spite of our human shortcomings.”

The story of finding a wife for Isaac can also be viewed as an analogy for how God makes his children a bride for Christ. God the heavenly Father sent his Holy Spirit to the church so that it would become the bride of Christ. In like manner, God wants to guide each of his children to the spouse of his choosing.

Love Barometer: How Does Your Beloved Measure Up?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

If you’re wondering what kind of spouse you’ll make or whether the fiancé or financee you love will be a good spouse, check out the wisdom of God’s basic description of love. He characterizes love in such a way that you can evaluate whether you’re giving and receiving true love.

How Others See It
William L. Coleman

Sometime when you are asking yourself what kind of a partner you will make, read 1 Cor. 13: 4-8. It is the world’s greatest description of love. Take a brief survey of what love does and apply it to your coming marriage.

Mary Welchel

Remember that when our emotions are involved in a situation, it’s very easy to lose perspective. Someone once told me, “Emotions and feelings have zero IQ,” and I think that’s a good thing to remember. You cannot trust your emotions. They’re dumb sometimes! Those juices get flowing, those romantic notions start whirling around in your head, and you can lose perspective in an instant.

“Love is blind,” someone once said, and actually, it’s true. When we’re dating and falling in love, we tend to overlook the characteristics of our loved one that could potentially create difficulty in our future marriage. We might think:

”Oh, they’ll change and become more patient.”
”It can’t really be bad to be jealous, can it?”
”He seems so insecure at times, but my love for him will overcome that.”
”She sometimes overreacts to my suggestions, but she means well.”

If negative characteristics are deeply seated in your spouse-to-be, you may be in for very difficult times.

If we’re wise, we will diminish the “love is blind” syndrome by comparing our potential spouse’s behavior to the characteristics of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Take each characteristic of love named in that passage and rate your future spouse on a scale of one to ten, with one being negative and ten being positive. Be aware: Assessments like these are difficult when struck with the love bug. You will need to think clearly, so pray beforehand, asking God to help you be honest and fair.

1 Corinthians Love Test

Love is patient

Love is kind

Love does not envy

Love does not boast

Love is not proud

Love is not rude

Love is not self-seeking

Love is not easily angered

Love keeps no record of wrongs

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres

Love never fails

If you rated your beloved a whopping 120 points, grab that person and run! If he or she scored between 84 and 119, you’ve got a great person. If your potential spouse’s score falls between 60 and 83, talk these weaknesses over with someone you trust – you could be heading into some struggles. If you rated your sweetheart 59 or below, you could be dealing with a very immature future spouse. Putting your relationship on hold so that you both can grow in maturity and wisdom would be a good idea.

If a single area is 5 or less, consider that this weakness will not improve by getting married, and it may even grow worse since we all are on our best behavior while courting.

This is not intended to be a scientific test; rather, it is a general indication of whether the love-is-blind syndrome is clouding your perceptions of your potential spouse. You can also use this test to reveal some areas you might want to work on before you tie the knot.

God desires the very best for you. Consider getting wise counsel in order to discuss these issues before you marry. Engaged people should be honest about the weaknesses they see in their potential spouses. The heartache of a broken engagement will pale in comparison to the agony of an unhappy or failed marriage. God will strengthen you to do the right thing as you seek him.

Every year in the United States, about half of all marriages end in divorce. That’s a staggering number that might be diminished if men and women more carefully chose their marriage partner.

8 Characteristics of Mr. or Ms. Right

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 15:38:00 +0000

By Julie Ferwerda

Do you ever wonder if the person you’re dating is God’s best choice of a mate for you but the answer isn’t clear?

Determining the person God wants you to spend the rest of your life with is a critical decision, one that requires putting put aside personal agendas and desires, in order to consider the most important thing: What is God trying to tell me about this relationship?

Below are some characteristics that I believe are consistent with the kind of person God would provide for you to spend your life with, assuming you are His best for someone else. It works both ways. God will not give you His best if you are not already His best for someone else. So make sure to measure yourself against these criteria as well.

PASSIONATE

Ask: Does this person seek out God willingly and eagerly on his or her own? When it comes to growing spiritually, does he/she read the Bible, pray, and go to church even without me? Does this person have a passion for God?
Remember: God’s best will have a growing relationship with Him that is genuine, fresh, and intimate in a way that is noticeably working out in their life consistently. In short, he/she won’t be able to leave God alone with or without you.

PRAY-ER

Ask: Does this person pray regularly? Does he/she easily pray with me or in front of others? Does he/she talk about personal prayer concerns and answered prayers?
Remember: A marriage without prayer is like a light bulb with no electricity. God’s best will be someone who is conversing with Him on a regular basis to obtain direction in life, intimacy with God, and to invest in the lives of others.

PURE

Ask: Is this person determined to wait until marriage to have sex? Do his/her actions match his/her words when he/she tells me he/she wants to be pure and honor God before marriage? Does this person work hard to avoid a physical relationship, avoiding the limits and demonstrating a commitment to honoring my purity above his/her own selfish interests?
Remember: I believe a great ‘barometer’ of a person’s walk with God is whether he/she tries to entice you into sexual sin or not. If he/she truly loves God and wants to be obediently set apart for Him, there won’t be any excuses, playing with fire, or compromises. This person will honor God above his/her own selfish desires, and because of that he/she will honor and love you enough to protect your body until marriage as well.

TEACHABLE

Ask: Does this person ask for help? Does he/she admit when he/she is wrong and say “I’m sorry”? Does he/she seek out godly counsel? Does he/she respect God-given authority in his/her life? Is he/she repentant and obedient in matters with God?
Remember: If a guy/gal is teachable with you and others, he/she will likely be teachable with God. There is no greater security in marriage (especially for women in the matter of submitting to their husbands) than trusting a mate who is teachable before God and seeking His will above his/her own. A man or woman who is living to please God is someone you can trust with important decisions. Also, someone who willingly gives permission to others to speak truth into his/her life is a very wise and teachable person.

HONEST

Ask: Does this person tell you the truth even when it’s hard? Does he/she communicate openly about his/her feelings, struggles, past, and failures? Does this person take responsibility for his/her actions (own up) when he/she does something wrong or hurtful? Does he/she ever twist the truth or minimize to get out of trouble or make himself/herself look better?
Remember: Counting on your partner’s word in marriage is vital. In a dating relationship, there should be all the signs of honesty and openness. The person you are dating should be willing to open up and talk about the hard areas of his/her life, he/she shouldn’t try to hide or twist truth, and he/she should take responsibility when he/she does something wrong. He/she shouldn’t even be afraid to admit when he/she messes up.

WHOLE

Ask: Does this person place his/her hopes, expectations, and emotional needs primarily in God? During difficult times does he/she try to fill up holes with the emotional support of other people (especially me)? Does he/she seem generally at peace or does he/she struggle with restlessness, addictions, or bad habits (alcohol, food issues or eating disorders, porn, drugs including prescriptions, over-spending, T.V., computer, sports, etc.)?
Remember: The person you marry cannot depend on you to make them happy, or to be there for them all the time. Watch what he/she does with pain or boredom. Does he/she avoid it, stuff it, or deal with it? Is he/she afraid to be quiet and still? You should be able to see him/her go to God with his/her emotional needs and hurts. Placing too much hope in each other or turning to anything but God with pain and boredom will eventually doom a marriage because only God can fill those “black holes.” Only God can give true comfort, hope, and security.

SURRENDERED

Ask: Is this person stubbornly pursuing his/her plans and goals, or does he/she frequently offer up his/her life to God and His plans?
Remember: If the person you marry is living for himself or herself, you are not going to have the marriage God intended for you. Someone who is surrendered to God will open up doors for a great marriage adventure in God’s plan!

FORGIVING

Ask: Does this person forgive and get over things easily? Does he/she treat people kindly who have hurt him/her in the past? Is there any area of bitterness or unforgiveness from his/her past that he/she has not dealt with that is frequently coming to the surface?
Remember: A person who can’t forgive likely hasn’t connected with God’s forgiveness toward him/her. This person will bring bitterness into your marriage which will affect you, too. People who are forgiving recognize that God is ultimately in control, which frees them up to let go of offenses and be at peace. This will work in your favor when you have marital conflict!

If, after reading over this list, you find that these traits are lacking in your own life, I encourage you to begin seeking to build these into your life. Getting into the Word and prayer daily, reading Christian help books, getting counseling if necessary, joining a Christian support group, and finding someone to encourage you or hold you accountable are all ways to get started on the path to change.

If you’re in a serious relationship where you and your significant other are both more often than not characterized by the above traits, and you still can’t determine God’s will for the future, try these steps.

Ask for input and prayer from trusted godly advisors. These could be your pastor, parents, close friends, accountability partners, Bible study leaders, or a pre-marriage counselor.
Pray and/or fast for answers. Setting an agreed upon time away from each other for prayer and/or fasting could be very helpful in giving you wisdom and discernment. For a great resource on fasting, read God’s Chosen Fast, by Arthur Wallis.
Pay attention to your spirit. If you can’t say you have abiding peace about the relationship, pay attention. Peace (or lack thereof) can be one important way God is trying to tell you something.
Wait. Perhaps God is not ready to reveal His plan for your relationship yet.

Smart Love

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 15:23:00 +0000

By Staff eHarmony.com

Everybody loves Love. The notion of being carried away by romantic passion is one of the most common storylines of film and literature. It feels good to be swept up in a rush of love and euphoria. Life looks different. Flowers smell sweeter. Food tastes better. We walk with a spring in our step.

These reactions to a new relationship are the result of chemical processes deep within the brain. They are important to relational bonding and have a powerful impact on our ability to think and make rational decisions.

In fact, love, like other primary emotions such as fear and anger, can easily overwhelm us and cloud our judgment. The key to creating a relationship that lasts past the initial "falling in love" stage is falling in love with your smarts intact. Relationship experts Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott coined the term "Smart Love" to explain the ways that singles can begin a deep emotional relationship with their eyes wide open.

Smart Love seeks a good match—Smart Love knows that for a relationship to have a good chance for success, both partners need to be similar in the important ways. The Parrotts point out that couples well matched in age, educational ambitions, intelligence, and physical attractiveness have a better chance to resolve whatever differences do occur during their relationship. Their common ground binds them together.

Smart Love pays attention to values—Smart Love carefully observes a person's actions. Discovering a person's value system is priority number one. How do they treat service personnel, like waiters? How do they treat their family? What makes them laugh? Do they often see themselves as the victim? Most people are on their best behavior while dating, and these questions are great litmus tests to reveal their true values.

Smart Love doesn't try to change others—One of the worst and most common relationship mistakes occurs when one person decides they will "fix" their date. They are aware of the flaws in their partner and decide that with enough time and "love" they can repair them. These people are often so desperate to be in a relationship that nothing can convince them that theirs is untenable. The Parrotts explain the simple proposition that, "What you see is what you get, and your chances of changing it are very slim."

Smart Love doesn't play games—The list of supposed dating rules is a mile long. Don't call her the day after you meet her. Never talk longer than ten minutes on the phone. Never accept a date for Saturday any later than Wednesday. On and on they go, turning dating into a game of cat and mouse. The best way to explore a person and consider them for a long-term relationship is to be real.

As the Parrotts say, "Games are meant to lure, even manipulate, another person into seeing you as someone you are not." The only way to build a successful relationship is to have the other person fall in love with you as you really are.

Smart Love doesn't run from conflict—The first fight of a relationship is often a cold, harsh awakening. Ever since the first date you have both been on your best behavior, smiling, flirting and basking in the glow of new love. At the end of that first serious disagreement, it is common for both parties to wonder if they should even be in the relationship. Smart Love knows the value of a good, fair, loving argument. During the heat of battle, people often reveal their weaknesses and sore spots, allowing for great growth. In fact, couples that practice effective, heartfelt communication after an argument are the couples that build successful long-term relationships.

Smart Love knows the bottom line—Smart Love has a set of personal guidelines to which it adheres, no matter what it is "feeling." Smart Love thinks through dating issues before a relationship starts, to determine its position on things like seeing other people, common courtesy, and the degree of acceptable physical expression. The Parrotts explain: "The point is to know what you want from a dating partner and where you are willing to bend, and where you are not."

The Parrotts' Smart Love concepts are about taking control of a potential relationship and not leaving things to chance. Smart Love works at building successful partnerships on a consistent basis, with firm guidelines and faith in the permanence of love. It accounts for the ebb and flow of attraction, and helps couples to anticipate change and make it their ally.

Finding True Love

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 05:03:00 +0000

By Whitney Hopler

Your girlhood dreams of becoming a princess may have become grown up dreams of finding a prince to marry – a man who’ll make you blissfully happy. But no such man exists, because no human being has the power to make your dreams come true.

That doesn’t mean you need to stop dreaming, however. You do, indeed, have a prince waiting for you. And if you discover Him, you’ll experience the greatest love of all.

Here’s how you can devote your heart to your true prince, Jesus Christ:

Don’t settle for a broken heart and shattered dreams. Even though this fallen world is full of sin that can disappoint and even destroy you, it’s also full of hope. Don’t assume that you’ll never meet a man you can trust, who’ll treat you with dignity and respect. Pass untrustworthy men by while you wait for one who’ll treat you right. Refuse to lower your standards for relationships. Pursue only the best – all that God wants for you. Don’t sink into depression when your wait takes longer than you’d like. Instead, use your time to live to the fullest, growing as a person and enjoying all God has for you while you’re single.

Place your faith in Jesus alone. Realize that it’s futile to expect a man to fulfill your deepest desires. Don’t put pressure on any man to rescue you from your circumstances and make your dreams come true. Instead, make your relationship with Jesus your top priority, and expect to see everything else in your life fall into place as a result of that relationship. Trust Jesus alone with your hopes and dreams.

Make Jesus the foundation of your life. It’s not enough to try to fit Jesus into your life; you need to fit your life around Jesus. If you just utter some quick prayers occasionally and don’t hear any reply, that doesn’t mean you need to figure life out on your own. It means that you need to deepen your relationship with Jesus so you can discover His great plans for you. Commit to wholeheartedly pursuing a relationship with Jesus – the Prince who made the ultimate romantic gesture by giving up His life to save you. Just as He gave everything for you, decide to give your all for Him, out of love. Make Jesus the center of your existence.

Turn your heart into a sanctuary. Set your heart apart from the world and guard it to become a sanctuary for the Holy Spirit to reside. Ask God to show you the trash that’s lurking inside your heart and needs to be removed to prepare a proper place for your Prince to live. As He reveals the kind of trash you need to remove – from small lies and unhealthy compromises to traumatic memories and deep bitterness – write it all down and pray about each piece of trash specifically. Don’t allow any sin to clutter up your heart. Take action to remove it however God calls you to – from apologizing to people you’ve hurt or disrespected to throwing away items that fostered sin in your life (such as seductive clothes you wore to attract unhealthy attention from men, or CDs of music that celebrated impurity). Examine your heart again regularly, making trash removal an ongoing process in your life. Whenever you notice that you’ve allowed any wrong habits to creep back into your life, or whenever you encounter a situation or relationship that needs to be made right, take action as God leads you.

Kick out other lovers. Don’t allow any person or thing in your life to take away time, thoughts, energy, or devotion that you should be giving to Jesus. Take a hard look at what you’ve been pursuing – romantic relationships, popularity, comfort, material possessions, achievements, and more – and honestly consider how your pursuit of them may be keeping you from pursuing Jesus wholeheartedly. Then eliminate activities that distract you from growing closer to Jesus, and change your goals so that your life is truly focused on Him. Don’t worry about feeling deprived by cutting out unhealthy attachments from your life. Once you pursue intimacy with Jesus above all else, you’ll discover that your relationship with Him will actually enhance every part of your life.

Change your lifestyle. Ask God to show you what practical changes you can make to your life so you’ll be better able to develop a closer relationship with Jesus – from waking up earlier each day to pray more and watching less television, to tackling a service project and making more an effort to share your faith with others.

Embrace God’s dreams for you. Be willing to give up your personal agendas in order to embrace God’s better dreams for you. Trust that God, who created you, knows what plans are best for you. Pursue His dreams for your life rather than your own.

Set your heart apart for your future husband. Make a commitment to keep yourself sexually pure as a gift not only to God, but also to the man you may eventually marry. Ask yourself: “Am I truly set apart for my future husband? Or am I just doing the bare minimum for him by putting up a few physical and/or emotional boundaries in my life?”, “Do I seek male affirmation through flirting, hugging, touching, etc.?”, “Do I draw guys’ attention by showing off my body?”, “Do I casually offer my heart, mind, emotions, and body to guys by jumping into short-term flings?”, “Do I allow my mind to fantasize about guys I’m attracted to?”, “Do I offer too much of myself to guys, even in friendships?”, “Am I willing to sacrifice pleasure, attention, affirmation, and temporary fulfillment to live a lifestyle of lily whiteness for the man I will spend the rest of my life with?”, “Am I willing to allow my faithful Lord to bring a love story into my life in His own perfect time and way?”, and “Am I willing to hand over the pen of my love story to Jesus and trust Him completely?”. Write your future husband a letter to solidify your purity decisions, and read that letter whenever you struggle with purity. Ask God to forgive your previous sins of impurity, as well as to help you heal from whatever sexual sins have been committed against you (such as through abuse). Also ask God to help your future husband live a life a sexual purity himself.

Protect your intimacy with God on a daily basis. Be alert to any and every sin that tries to encroach upon your inner sanctuary and lessen your intimacy with God. Every day, pay attention to what you’re thinking, saying, and doing, and consider whether or not that pleases God. Repent immediately of whatever doesn’t reflect the love you should have toward your true Prince.

Overcome temptation. Although you’ll often be tempted to sin, you can always resist temptation if you don’t give it an opportunity to grow in your mind. At every crucial moment of making a decision about how to respond to temptation, say “no” to it. Then the temptation will have no chance to grow, causing it to lose its power over you. Read the Bible often, and study, memorize, and meditate on its words so you can absorb its truths into your mind. Whenever you encounter temptation, the Holy Spirit will then remind you of biblical truths that will help you overcome the lies temptation tries to tell you. Don’t hesitate to pray against all forms of evil that are enticing you to cave into temptation. Identify the areas of your life where you’re most vulnerable to temptation, then use the spiritual authority you have as a Christian to pray for deliverance from evil that’s trying to harm you in those areas. Create boundaries for your behavior to protect yourself from unnecessary temptation, such as refusing to watch movies that tempt you to engage in sexual impurity or avoiding nightclubs where impure behavior surrounds you. Ask yourself: “Are there voices I need to start ignoring?”, “Are there shows or movies I need to stop watching?”, “Are there places I need to stop going?”, “Are there people I need to stop spending time with?”, “Are there certain clothes I need to stop wearing?” and “Are there songs I need to stop listening to?”. If any friendship, activity, or influence tends to draw you away from Jesus or keeps you from reflecting His purity, create a boundary around it. Guard your relationship with your true Prince, no matter what the cost, knowing that it’s always worthwhile to do so.

Don’t compromise your standards in romantic relationships. Value the high standards to which God has called you (for your own good) more than you value romance itself. Ask God to help you be willing to live a set-apart life out of love for Him, even if you never find a man who’s worth marrying. Set yourself apart for your true Prince no matter what happens in your future. Making that decision will give you the confidence and strength you need for every circumstance you’ll ever encounter. It’s better to remain single than to settle for a romantic relationship with a man who doesn’t treat you as God wants you to be treated. But be assured that many worthwhile men do exist. Look for men who enjoy intimate relationships with Jesus and show integrity, compassion, courage, and selfless love – men who will help you protect your inner sanctuary. Pursue a romantic relationship that draws you closer to Jesus, while avoiding those that draw you farther away from Jesus.

Cultivate ongoing intimacy with God. Your relationship with God doesn’t have limits. There’s always more you can learn about Him, always more to worship in Him, and always more to experience with Him. Develop a lifestyle that helps you constantly grow closer to God. Study the Bible often. Write your prayers down in a journal, like personal letters to your true Prince, and write down His responses to your prayers. Read great Christian literature to learn how to deepen your relationship with God. View every challenge as an opportunity to grow closer to God and every triumph as an opportunity to praise God.

Delight in God. Learn how to notice God’s constant presence with you, and delight in Him moment by moment. Ask Him to help you speak and listen to Him no matter where you are or what you’re doing. Develop a quiet mind. Cultivate a heart of worship. Meditate on the Bible. As you walk through each day with God rather than just representing Him, you’ll experience unshakable peace and strength in every situation.

Pursue healing if you’ve had your heart broken. It’s crucial to heal from a broken heart before you can be ready for true intimacy – both with God and with your future spouse. Ask God to reveal what mistakes you made in the broken relationship, and to help you learn from them. Forgive yourself and the person who hurt you. Ask God to give you His perspective on what you’ve gone through, and to help you see yourself as He sees you – someone who is extremely valuable and deeply loved. Find some people you can trust to talk through issues and encourage you as you deal with pain while going through the healing process.

Build spiritual oneness with a potential romantic partner. Don’t rush into romance with any man, no matter how promising he seems. First, savor a season of friendship, getting to know each other well without the pressure of romance. Keep an open hand, refusing to hold on to the relationship too tightly. Trust God to do whatever He sees fit with the relationship, remembering that He wants the absolute best for both of you.

When the Princess Is Ready, the Prince Will Appear

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 03:35:00 +0000

By Dr. David B. Hawkins

We are all familiar with the story of the lovely and kind young girl, Cinderella, who lived with her step mother and two, not so lovely or kind, stepsisters.

In the story, the King and Queen, anxious for their son to marry, arranged a Ball, inviting all the eligible maidens from the kingdom to attend. With such a variety of maidens to choose from, surely, one of them would catch the Prince’s eye!

The invitation arrived at Cinderella’s house causing a flurry of excitement. But Cinderella’s excitement was quickly doused by her stepsisters’ snide remarks.

“Cinderella,” they said with disdain, “what are you so excited about? You can’t go. What are you going to wear? That?” With an audible sniff, they turned and walked off..

Days passed, and finally the evening of the ball arrived. The less than lovely stepsisters paraded around in their over-the-top finery, taking great delight in taunting Cinderella. They flounced into their coach and off to the ball, leaving Cinderella behind. Although her disappointment was great, her spirit wasn’t shattered.

Enter one fairy godmother, who, after quickly assessing the situation, transformed Cinderella’s rags into a knock-your-socks-off designer gown, complete with perfectly formed glass slippers. The magic continued as the Fairy Godmother transformed a pumpkin into a golden carriage. Cinderella stepped into the carriage offering a dazzling smile of gratitude and a hug. With a quick reminder that the magic would end at the stroke of midnight (an effective curfew technique) Cinderella was off to the Ball.

Cinderella was enchanting, and quickly caught the Prince’s eye. They danced and danced, caught up in the magic. The chime of the clock announcing the arrival of midnight, broke the spell, and Cinderella quickly fled the Ball before she was transformed back into her rags. The prince chased after her, but found nothing but a glass slipper, the only clue to her identity.

Dejected, he set out to find the owner of the slipper. Visiting every home in the kingdom, he tried the delicate slipper on the foot of each eligible maiden. He finally arrived at the home of Cinderella and her two less than lovely stepsisters. Of course the shoe did not fit either of the step sisters, as you can only imagine that their feet were less than lovely too. Cinderella approached the prince for her turn to try on the slipper. Filled with fear that the shoe might fit, the sisters knocked it to the floor, shattering the only clue to the future princess’ identity. The Prince was filled with a combination of anger and loss, but Cinderella, gently touched him on the shoulder, and pulled out the mate. She slipped her foot in, a perfect fit.

Don’t you just love a good fairy tale? Certainly, this could never happen in real life, you say. Not so quick. There are some important considerations for us in this tale.

Cinderella had taken a lifetime to ready herself for the opportunity at the ball. Each of us is in the same situation – those times when preparation meets opportunity. You may initially scoff at my suggestion that if you make the proper preparations, your prince will come. “It’s just a fairy tale. These kinds of things don’t happen in real life.”

Now I understand that the story of Cinderella is just that – a story. That does not mean, however, that we cannot learn from it. You, too, must find a way to convert your weaknesses into strengths, failures into successes, challenges into opportunities.

Any rags, pumpkins, or stray mice lying around?

Let’s look together at the preparations you must make. And by the way, you, too, have a protector – the Holy Spirit – who will help you make the necessary alterations.

Preparing Your Attitude. What is the necessary attitude needed to become a princess? You must have the conviction that you deserve a prince of a man.

It surprises me how many women have attitudes of discouragement and pessimism.

You must believe that you can find a good man, that you deserve a good man, and that you can attract a good man. You must make yourself available and take the risks necessary to attract your prince. If you are not at that point yet, don’t despair. You simply have some work to do.

Preparing Your Expectations. Unlike Cinderella, you have no magic wand. Your preparation must interact with God’s timing. That means you must guard your expectations about timing. It may take time, and testing, before you are ready for your prince.

It is important to expect a man who will work on the relationship with you, who will strive to deepen his emotional and spiritual life, and who will commit himself to you completely and faithfully. Too many women settle for too little from their men. Consider raising the bar. Settle for nothing less than a relationship filled with zest, emotional warmth, spiritual integrity, and, yes, commitment.

Preparing Your Presentation. A princess is not overly demanding, arrogant, or critical. She is elegant and classy. She has a way of insisting on what she needs and being clear when expressing her needs and desires.

Katherine, a client of mine, is a woman in her 50s. She has an air of confidence and a bold, spiritual depth. Previously married, Katherine has grappled with painful aspects of her divorce. She suffered as people within the church said hurtful things about her. But she always carried herself with dignity. She survived the divorce and gradually moved into dating.

Katherine shares about her experience.

“After my divorce I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. I was bitter, angry. I had lots of resentment toward my ex and toward men. Even after I started dating, I didn’t put my best foot forward, and attracted the wrong kind of men. It took me really forgiving myself for the failed marriage and allowing God to heal my hurt. I changed my attitude and my wardrobe, and that’s when miracles started to happen.”

Katherine married recently, having met a minister who had been widowed several years earlier. Today they enjoy a vibrant and dynamic ministry.

Preparing Your Vision. After you’ve prepared your attitude, clarified your expectations and honed your presentation, you’ll need a firm vision. A firm vision is a picture you carry in your mind of your prince.

A client named Joan shares her vision. “I want a Christian man who is loving, tender and kind. He needs to be athletic, love children and be interested in travel. He needs to be compassionate and have a heart for the hurting and less fortunate in the world.”

Studies show that the more clearly and precisely you describe your vision, the more likely you are to achieve it. Envision the kind of man you want. Prayerfully share with the Lord the dreams you have and let Him help you with the rest.

Preparing Your Heart. Having prepared your attitude, expectations, presentation and vision, you must make sure your heart is right. The scriptures encourage us to “Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4: 23). This is a huge challenge, for it seems we either allow our hearts to be battered and bruised, lock them in a vault, safe and secure from any possible intruder.

The task is to take healthy, discerning risks. If you have learned from experience, made corrections to your attitude, spent time in the Word, listened to God’s voice through the counsel of healthy friends – you can take calculated risks in your dating life.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).

When the princess is ready, the prince will appear. Is that a gilded carriage I hear approaching?

What a Man Brings to Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 03:09:00 +0000

By Cliff Young

We often focus on what we will get out of a marriage relationship: Is this person my soul mate? Does she speak to me? Does she affirm me? Do her strengths compliment me? And so forth.

Perhaps it’s time to start focusing on what we men can bring to a marriage relationship and to start working on these areas right now in our lives, so that we will have something to bring to the table (a man’s dowry, if you will) before making a lifelong commitment.

“It is painful, being a man, to have to assert the privilege, or the burden, which Christianity lays upon my own sex. I am crushingly aware of how inadequate most of us are, on our actual and historical individualities, to fill the place prepared for us.”

— C.S. Lewis from God in the Dock

As men, we are expected (by society) to be cool, dress fashionably, make a lot of money, drive a sports car, have chiseled looks, and have it all together in order to be “marriage material.” As Christians, we are to be God-fearing, prayerful, seminary scholars on the path to eldership within our church. Since most of us fall short of these so-called expectations, what can we do to bring the most to our marriages and where do we start? We can begin by delving deep into the following passage.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25).

How did Christ actually love the church? Simply put, through sacrificial and sanctifying love.

Sacrificial Love

As a single adult, the term sacrificial is not at the forefront of my thoughts. My day usually revolves around me, my needs, my wants and my desires. However, for me to prepare to be the best husband I can be, I must begin now to incorporate sacrificial thinking into my daily life.

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh (Ephesians 5:31).

Jesus so loved the church that he gave himself up for her through his death. If we are to love our wives someday as Christ loved the church, we must be prepared to die to ourselves in many ways that are a part of our everyday lives. As two people become one, individual freedom, time and desires should be replaced with (or at least negotiated) with marital goals, obligations and activities.

Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me? (Acts 9:4).

Persecution of the church caused pain deep within Jesus’ soul as indicated by His response to Saul. Christ chose to suffer with His bride; husbands must be willing to share in the struggles of theirs. It is not only a commitment, but also a sign of love. Her problems, disappointments and losses become yours; mine and hers become ours.

I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them (John 17:9-10).

Jesus spent His time on earth, including his last moments, praying for Himself, for those closest to Him and for the church. One of the most intimate things a couple can do is to pray together. It would only follow that one of the most precious acts that a husband can do for his wife is to pray specifically for her. Don’t just make it a “dinner time” prayer, go off each day and fervently cover your future wife in all areas of her life. If you are currently in a relationship, ask how you can pray for her and do it.

I don’t know what it will be like to be married someday, but after all of my years of living single, I recognize that I will need to die to myself in many areas of my life, be prepared to share in both the triumphs and the struggles of my wife, and pray fervently for and with my future mate.

Sanctifying Love

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word (Ephesians 5:25-26).

Marriage under Christ is a relationship that will bring two individuals closer to Him and cause both to change for the better, making each more holy. It is the responsibility of the man within a marriage to help lead the couple closer to holiness, towards sanctification.

The head of every man is Christ, the head of a woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God (1 Corinthians 11:3).

Today, we have a mixed message of what true leadership is. Is a leader someone who scores a basket or a touchdown and beats his chest drawing attention to himself? Is a leader a politician who uses their position not to serve but to self-serve? Was Adam, our first male role model, a leader by following his wife into sin instead of standing up for what he knew was wrong?

The movie We Were Soldiers, starring Mel Gibson, depicted the life of Lt Col Hal Moore during his service in the Vietnam War. His motto was, “We will all come home together.” His men fought for and alongside him so diligently because he led with integrity, by example, and with love. That is true leadership.

To be that kind of leader, who leads a marriage closer to sanctification, we (men) must first place ourselves under the Lordship and authority of God. Only through our relationship with Him can we learn how to live out His Word in our heart, exemplify His Word in our actions and follow His Word in how we love, which will all lead to holiness.

Lead with Integrity

For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health…till death do us part.

— Common wedding vows

With the divorce rate hovering around 50%, I often wonder what happens to these vows that are made when a couple says, “I do.” A wedding is one of the few times in life where a person makes a public vow in front of God and witnesses, and chooses to enter into a commitment of marriage based upon love, not feelings.

Love your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind (Matthew 22:37).
Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you (Hebrew 13:5).
Do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony (Matthew 19:18).
Keep the oaths you have made to the Lord (Matthew 5:33).

Leading with integrity in a marriage means memorizing and living out verses like these. If we truly love God and love others according to Scripture, we will honor our commitments and God’s commandments will live deep within our soul. When we reach that point, we will lead our marriages with integrity, grow closer to God and to each other.

Lead by Example

In everything you do, stay away from complaining and arguing, so that no one can speak a word of blame against you. You are to live clean, innocent lives as children of God in a dark world full of crooked and perverse people. Let your lives shine brightly before them (Philippians 2:14-15).

When God returned to the Garden of Eden after Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Life (Genesis 3:8-20), he called to Adam and asked, “Did you eat fruit from the tree from which I commanded you not to eat?” His response was not that of someone who was leading by example. Adam’s first words were, “You gave this woman to me…” God calls us to take responsibility for our actions, confess our wrongdoing, and repent.

Marriages need that kind of a leader, one who is willing to admit his wrong and one who is leading under the Lordship and guidance of the Lord. Leading by example doesn’t mean bringing attention to your achievements or telling others what they should be doing. A husband can pray in solitude, help his wife without asking, spend time with the children, and show love to his wife through his actions. Whether married or not, we can all lead by example.

Lead with Love

Love is patient, love is kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

I have heard these words spoken at almost every wedding ceremony that I have been a part of and I wonder if anyone really considers what this verse is saying. Love is patient affects almost every other emotion or reaction in a relationship.

A patient person is less likely to be jealous, boastful, proud or rude
A patient person is probably less demanding
A patient person is probably more forgiving and understanding.
A patient person is more likely to listen first before reacting (and not react emotionally)
A patient person is more likely to wait on God

If love is patient, then patience is probably one of the most important traits a leader can have, especially if he wants to lead with love.

Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it….In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they love their own bodies. The man who loves his wife loves himself. No one ever hates his own body, but feeds and takes care of it. And that is what Christ does for the church (Ephesians 5:25, 28-30).

Jesus’ message for us is clear. We are to love our (future) wives as He loved the church, in a sacrificial and sanctifying way; we are to love her like we love ourselves. It seems simple enough and it can be if we learn to take our eyes off of us and our personal desires. If we place our eyes on the Lord, we will learn to live more sacrificially with our lives, our time and our prayers. As we do, our lives will become an example of integrity and love to others. This is what we can bring to a marriage.

So men, besides that ugly chair you can't get rid of, what are you bringing to a marriage?

What a Woman Brings to Marriage

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 14:12:00 +0000

By Laura MacCorkle

As we make our way further into the twenty-first century, the term hope chest is becoming fairly extinct. In fact, many of you reading this may have no idea what I’m talking about.

Also called a dowry chest or a glory box, a hope chest is a box—usually made out of wood and sometimes decoratively painted or intricately carved—in which unmarried women would place objects that they hoped to bring with them to marriage one day. These could include linens, dishes, silverware, household items or perhaps family heirlooms.

While I was growing up, there were still some visible sightings of hope chests being recorded. I made note of a few of them myself in my friends’ bedrooms (they were usually positioned at the foot of their beds). If their fathers were handy with woodworking, they would have crafted them for their daughters (or grandfathers for granddaughters). The boxes might have also been passed down to them in their families or purchased at furniture stores.

I didn’t have a hope chest, but I did collect a few items to bring with me into marriage one day: an apron, a silver-plated, commemorative, bicentennial server and some tablecloths, among other things. These were all given to me by one of my grandmothers—but when I received them, I didn’t think they were such great gifts (I was young and really just wanted a Lite-Brite, some Luv-It jeans or a Barbie doll instead). So, I said “thank you” and stored them away somewhere in the back of my closet.

Many years and multiple moves later, I now cannot find any of these objects. But honestly, it really doesn’t matter to me that much—for I know that it is really the intangibles I bring to a marriage that are most important. And I must carefully (and continually) add to this trove of “gifts” while I prepare myself for marriage.

As of late, I have thought about these qualities a great deal. Of course, the Proverbs 31 woman is a natural go-to model of the “perfect wife,” and I have been encouraged (and overwhelmed) by reading through the verses that describe her way of living.

But recently, it dawned on me that the ultimate example who should inform my life is Christ. His relationship with his Father, his interactions with others, his choices, his words reflect so well what I hope to bring to my marriage and to my future husband. …

A Humble Heart and a Submissive Spirit

When Jesus walked the earth, he did so in humility and in submission to his Father.

“For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all that he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day” (John 6:38-40).

Imagine, if you will, had Jesus not done the will of his Father. Had he not walked in humility. Had he not submitted. Had he not followed when being led by the Spirit. Everything would have been thrown out of whack. He wouldn’t have been raised on the last day, and we wouldn’t have eternal life. We would have no way to the Father and no relationship with our Creator. Jesus knew that there was an important plan in the works and a purpose for God sending him to earth. In obedience, he humbly submitted to his Father.

Now, in considering how a woman brings a humble heart and a submissive spirit to her marriage, she would also upset God’s design of the husband and wife relationship if she did not follow this same example.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. … And the wife must respect her husband (Ephesians 5:21-24, 33b).

When we follow Jesus’ example, we begin to realize that our choices really shouldn’t be made on our own. We are here to do the will of the Father, and to submit to each other out of reverence for Christ. It is not about us. It is about God working through us—empty vessels willing to be used by him.

When a wife respects her husband and submits to him, he naturally responds in love “just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” He is submitting, too, and is devoted to caring for her in a way that will make her holy. And when she feels loved, she naturally respects. As it says in Ephesians, “this is a profound mystery.” But it’s the way God designed the husband and wife relationship, as we mirror his relationship with the church. It is awesome and beautiful to behold, and it just works.

A Desire to Nurture and a Proclivity to Provide

While on earth, Jesus spent a great deal of time discipling, teaching and listening to and caring for others. Yes, there were times when he took some time to rest, but by and large his life and his schedule were open to whoever needed him. He was constantly reaching out to others.

He told the crowd to sit down on the ground. Then he took the seven loaves and the fish, and when he had given thanks, he broke them and gave them to the disciples, and they in turn to the people. They all ate and were satisfied (Matthew 15:35-37a).

“I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty” (John 6:35).

Jesus poured his life into people. When they left his presence, they were edified and encouraged. He filled their cup. He fed their spirit. He stirred their soul.

A woman has the same opportunity to nurture and provide (practically, spiritually and emotionally) as she tends to her husband and (one day) to her children. She can choose to give life to her family and be one who offers them “healing” and caregiving. She can provide a safe haven for her husband, encourage him in his leadership role and be his confidante. Likewise, her children will feel secure under the protection of her wing. They will benefit from her training, as she speaks into their lives and carefully monitors their upbringing.

Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life … Her children arise and call her blessed (Proverbs 31:11-12, 28a ).

A woman’s outpouring will reflect the nature of her relationship with Christ. As she grows closer to the Lord and hides his Word in her heart, her life will be changed and those around her (first and foremost, her husband and children) will be nourished by the fruit of the Spirit that is produced in her life (Galatians 5:22-23).

A Noble Character and a Permeating Influence

Jesus’ reputation proceeded him. Wherever he went, people were drawn to him and large crowds followed him. People were amazed at his teaching, and lives were changed as a result of his influence.

Others, because he was so compelling and his words so powerful, left what they were doing, gave up everything and followed his example.

Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people. News about him spread all over Syria, and people brought to him all who were ill with various diseases … Large crowds from Galilee, the Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan followed him (Matthew 4:23-25).

“Where did this man get this wisdom and these miraculous powers?” they asked. “Isn’t this the carpenter’s son? …” (Matthew 13:54b-55a).

“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men” (Matthew 4:19).

A woman's character can add to her husband’s reputation and not subtract from it. Her sphere of influence in her husband’s life is far more powerful than she realizes (some would even argue that a woman can “make or break” a man just by her words). Just as Jesus’ example convincingly shaped how mankind viewed God, so can a woman's example help determine how others view her husband and his household.

A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones (Proverbs 12:4).

Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land (Proverbs 31:23).

When Boaz spoke with Ruth for the first time (Ruth 2:8-12), he commented on her reputation: “I’ve been told all about what you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband—how you left your father and mother and your homeland and came to live with a people you did not know before.”

And later, when Ruth asked him for protection as her kinsman-redeemer, he said: “You are a woman of noble character” (3:11). Not only did Ruth rightly influence (not manipulate) Boaz in his decision to fulfill his kinsman obligation, but she also offered the invaluable gift of character (her reputation had proceeded her!) to her soon-to-be husband.

A Servant’s Mindset and a Sacrificial Love

It is interesting in Scripture that Jesus always points out that his agenda is not his own. It is his Father’s will that he serve and not be served. As the ultimate servant, he gave his life for us without complaining, “But this is my life!” Jesus kept serving without reservation and loving unconditionally, even when rejected.

“Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:26b-28).

In the same manner, and in fulfilling the command to love one another, a woman should be ready to serve her husband and not enter marriage so that she may be served. Or be made comfortable. Or happy.

Just as she offers herself as a living sacrifice to God, she knows that her life—her body—is not her own. And in marriage a woman offers all that she is to her husband, as they now belong to each other.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:1-2).

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).

These days, it’s considered countercultural or antiquated for a woman to focus more on giving and serving in a marriage (seen The Oprah Show lately?). In fact, the world seems to be doing everything it can to encourage spouses to live separate lives instead of becoming one: “How does he/she make me happy? Protect your interests and keep your money separate. Why should I have to give up [fill in the blank] for him/her? What’s best for me? This is my time!”

In author Gary Thomas’ Sacred Marriage, he offers a different point of view:

“What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? … Marriage calls us to an entirely new and selfless life … Whether it is delightful or difficult, your marriage can become a doorway to a closer walk with God, and to a spiritual integrity that, like salt, seasons the world around you with the savor of Christ.”

That’s radical. But it’s right. The Bible encourages us to focus not on ourselves, but on what and how we can give to someone else, as two become one (Genesis 2:24). A woman must practice daily dying to self, as she is fused together with her husband in marriage. And her example can be a witness of greater sacrificial love (the love of Christ) to others.

Following Christ’s Example in Marriage

As a wise woman is motivated to bring the qualities that Jesus exemplified to her marriage, she also knows that she will not take the place of primary importance in her husband’s life.

She is a co-laborer in the cause of Christ and a sister in God’s family. And she should do all that she can to help point her husband to Christ first, so that he is the center of their marriage and the primary focus of their relationship.

And the intangibles that a woman packs in her hope chest? They will hopefully bear forth Kingdom-minded qualities that she will one day offer her husband in marriage.

Surely he will be blessed and will praise her as they begin their marital—and spiritual—journeys together.

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD (Proverbs 18:22).

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised (Proverbs 31:30).

Men, Make God's Dreams for Your Life Come True

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 13:53:00 +0000

By Whitney Hopler

It’s natural to want to be and do something great, since God has wired you to pursue a significant life. Those dreams stirring in your soul can come true if you embrace God’s plans with passion.

Here’s how you can make God’s dreams for your life come true:

Ask God to help you see clearly. Don’t let your own agenda or other people’s expectations cloud your vision of what God wants your life to be like. Instead, choose to let God decide what’s best for you, since He – your Creator – knows you better than you know yourself. Realize that God’s ultimate dream for you is to become more like Jesus. Understand that God wants to use your current reality (not the fantasy of how you wish your life would be) to move you toward His dreams for you. Expect Him to use your struggles to accomplish good purposes. Rather than running from reality, let God bring glory through it. Exchange your own limited vision for God’s unlimited, much more powerful vision. Instead of fighting God’s process of making His ultimate dream for you come true – transforming you more into Jesus’ image – accept the discomfort, conflict, loss, and pain involved. Trust that going through anything God deems necessary is worth it, because He is accomplishing good purposes in your life that can’t be accomplished any other way. Constantly stretch the borders of your growth by praying regularly for God to continue changing you. Surrender every area of your life to God and eagerly anticipate how He will help you grow as a result.

Pay attention to what you’re leaking. Realize that your character qualities leak out into the lives of the people around you – for better or for worse. Strive to leak less sin and selfishness that stinks and leak more holiness instead. Know that God wants you to be visibly identified with Jesus in a way that brings Him glory, pouring out hope into the lives of people with whom you interact. Be faithful to God’s call to represent Jesus, even when others reject the Gospel. Be available for God to use you in any situation, and depend on the Holy Spirit to help you live out your faith with integrity. Study Jesus’ life to imitate how He interacts with people. Invite God to refine every part of your character, holding nothing back from His work in your life.

Be humble. Know that God has declared that you are important to Him, and He has approved your mission, so you’re free to be humble. Understand that you have nothing to prove. Ask God to help you be content with yourself, to desire recognition only from Him, to trust Him with your station in life, to refrain from threatening others, to be at ease with the weak, to be easy for people to embrace, to not feel any need to get credit from others, and to refrain from competition with others. Strive for influence without ego. In conflict, choose reconciliation instead of retaliation. Pass up power for yourself in order to increase God’s influence. Submit to God’s plans versus presuming them. Freely notice others. Empty yourself instead of holding onto a sense of self-entitlement. Be willing to humbly obey God’s purposes. Wait for God to honor your efforts in His time rather than trying to force results yourself. Be willing to exchange: comfort for discomfort, flattery for faithfulness, status for service, harshness for graciousness, titles for treasures in heaven, and safety for suffering. Don’t forget how important God and other people are, and keep your sense of your own importance in perspective. Learn all you can from Jesus. Focus on Him more than on yourself. Reach out to others in service as God leads you, humbly sharing God’s love.

Serve others. Instead of seeking to have others serve you, seek to serve them. Realize that power and prestige aren’t what make you a truly great man; what distinguishes you is your willingness to serve. Remember that when Jesus came to Earth, he didn’t choose to be served, but to serve. Ask God to help you reach out beyond your family and friends to strangers who are different from you and even make you uncomfortable. Don’t place any borders around the scope of your service; be open to following God’s leading anywhere. Every day, try to make decisions that help you serve others rather than just yourself.

Make sacrifices. Be willing to give up whatever you need to in order to become more like Jesus. Understand that if you’re willing to sacrifice now for God, you’ll experience the joy of your reward later. Expect that God will honor your faithfulness in His time and in His way. Know that every one of these sacrifices you make for God is an opportunity to bring Him glory: an attitude, a behavior, a response, a comfort, a right to strike back, a feeling, an impulse, a chance to control, a grab for power, a portion of your time, a pattern of your old life, a financial bonus, a freedom, a way of doing something, or a golden opportunity. Trust that God’s glory is more important than anything you give up for Him.

Don’t run from suffering. Recognize that suffering can build your character in powerful ways, and that God often uses the suffering you go through to accomplish good purposes in your life. When suffering comes your way, accept it and ask God to help you endure it for the cause of something greater than yourself. Pursue Christlikeness over comfort. Ask yourself honestly how much you’re willing to endure for Jesus in your times of pain, or whether you tend to seek your own safety. Trust in God’s ultimate control of all that He allows to happen to you, and know that through your suffering, you will grow as a person and become united to Jesus.

Discover and do God’s will. Know that it’s crucial to find out God’s will and commit to following it when making decisions. Let God’s unconditional love for you give you the confidence you need to be free of worrying about other people’s acceptance or approval. Ask God to give you the courage you need to pursue God’s priorities for your life with great focus. Cooperate with God to fulfill His purposes in your life. Pray each day for the ability to do less of your own will and more of God’s will for you.

Experience the joy of being God’s child. Embrace the special connection you have to your heavenly Father as His beloved child. Be assured that, through Jesus, God has adopted you into His family and anointed your special relationship with Him. Regularly seek a special revelation from God concerning your life. Be authentic with Him, knowing that you can’t hide anything from Him, and that He loves you completely, scabs and all. Share private conversations with God through prayer every day. Rather than seeking validation from other people, live to please God alone and don’t worry about other people’s opinions. Learn to trust your heavenly Father intuitively and implicitly.

Be compassionate. Understand that God wants you to be strong and secure in Him so the compassion of Jesus could flow freely through your life to those who need your touch. Acknowledge the reality of the situations around you and work with it instead of running away from it. Be willing to be undignified in order to meet the needs of others. Don’t give into apathy when you encounter other people’s pain. Instead, respond right away to urgent situations. Allow yourself to see, feel, and act like Jesus in the face of pain instead of dismissing needs. Ask God to help you become tender and fearless when confronted with pain.

Dig down deep. Don’t settle for superficial relationships. Instead, learn how to discern people’s deepest emotions and concerns, and respond to them. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you know what lies inside the heart of each person with whom you’re relating – hurts, fears, insecurities, sin, mixed motives, lust, wounds, abandonment, shame, pride, loss, anger, etc. Ask people thoughtful, caring questions to help reveal the issues behind their thoughts, words, and behaviors. Learn how to recognize the differences between appearances and reality, public images and private struggles, anger and hurt, pride and fear, good and bad intentions, right and wrong agendas, and healthy and unhealthy spiritual patterns. Pray regularly for the ability to see yourself and other people more clearly.

Express God’s grace. Know that while you may hate sin, Jesus calls you to love sinners – just as He does. Pray for the courage you need to affirm people apart from their sin. Remember that Jesus died for every person; ask Him to help you see each person you encounter as someone He loves and wants to help. Let your gratitude for how much grace God has given you motivate you to express grace to others, even when you disagree with their attitudes or behaviors. Ask God to help you overcome pride and engage other people without walls, giving grace to them as freely as you have received it yourself.

Embrace reality. Avoid fantasies that deceive you and accept reality as it is – not as you would like it to be. Be committed to the truth, even when it hurts. Invite Jesus to shine His light over the dark places in your life – morally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually – and expose what you need to deal with so you can grow into the person He wants you to become. Let truth guide your actions. Speak the truth. Encourage others to face the truth. Accept responsibility and evaluate your own shortcomings. Seek constructive feedback from others and embrace consequences. Acknowledge and deal with negative emotions instead of swallowing them. Make the hard and better call in situations early. Grieve losses and hurts rather than hiding from them. Don’t blame others to cover for your mistakes. Don’t seek affirmation to compensate for insecurity. Speak up with others, to them, and for them when the Holy Spirit leads you to do so. Pray for the ability to seek life as it really is and to trust God for how it will be.

Fight evil. Pray for the courage and strength you need to fight spiritual battles. Remember that you can count on the Holy Spirit to help you overcome evil with good. Be filled with the Holy Spirit and memorize the truths of Scripture so you’ll be prepared to quickly and effectively resist Satan’s attempts to tempt, distract, or destroy you. Have the confidence that God will help you win every time to engage in battle. Realize your place as God’s beloved child. Respect Satan’s tactics and power to influence lives. Revere truth so you can spot twisted manipulations of it. Respond decisively when you encounter evil. Rely on the Holy Spirit for spiritual insight. Rest in grace. Make choices for good over evil every day, such as by forgiving someone who has hurt you instead of attacking him or her, saying no to unhealthy appetites rather than feeding them, and encouraging people instead of criticizing them.

Say “no” to temptation in order to say “yes” to God. Realize that your time here on Earth is just a temporary layover on your way to your final destination – heaven. Keep heaven in mind when you make decisions every day, doing your best to live in a way that pleases God and will give you no regrets when you meet Him face to face one day. Rely on the Holy Spirit’s help to flee whatever temptation you encounter.

Finish well. Let your exceptional destiny drive you to continue to live faithfully until the end. Ask God to help you stay committed to serving Him in all aspects of your life. Know that discipline in your commitment to living out God’s dream of Christlikeness will far outweigh the regret of getting to the end of your life and wishing you had. Ask God to remind you of your personal mission, help you be consistent with your spiritual disciplines, keep learning, manage your time well, and live to please God instead of other people.

He Said-She Said: Praying for Specific Qualities in a Spouse

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 05:36:00 +0000

By Cliff Young & Laura MacCorkle

QUESTION: Is it wrong to pray specifically for those things we want in a spouse and for how we want a spouse to look?

HE SAID: When I was a teenager, I was encouraged to start formulating those attributes I would want in a spouse, like a "Top 10" list. I was told if I didn't know what I was specifically looking for, I would never find it. Since becoming a believer in Christ, I have been taught to "pray fervently, constantly and without ceasing, and I will receive the desires of my heart."

I have sometimes wondered how this relational logic and continuous prayer relate to one another as I pray for my future spouse.

I think you're essentially asking the same thing, "Do these two lines of thought coincide, if so, how?" Furthermore, "What can do we do to maintain our sense of hope in the midst of our singleness?"

First of all, we should have definite things we are looking for (and not looking for) in our spouse and we should be incessantly praying for them. However, when it comes to praying for the "specificities," we need to be cautious how meticulous we are scrutinizing over our own desires and with the people we meet.

As Christians, our primary requirement of a spouse should be one who shares the same spiritual convictions as our self. Our belief, trust and faith in Jesus should be the foundation for our life and for our marriage. This has to be a non-negotiable.

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14)

Beyond a common faith and being "equally yoked," the Bible does not explicitly denote any other "musts" believers should share in a relationship.

Some may prefer a person who comes from a large (or small) family, grew up in a Christian home, is a college or seminary graduate, is taller (or shorter) than you, comes from the same area, has specific hair color, is of the same ethnicity, works in a specific profession, etc., and many of these things can be influential in a marriage.

However, these are preferences, many of which a person has little or no control over. When compiling a list of desires in a future spouse, we should consider the qualities of a person's character and values that guide their life, before the circumstances of their environment or what "genes" they have inherited from their family (although we do need to be attracted to the person).

We are bombarded by every form of media telling us the "things" we should be looking for in a spouse and the "ways" we can get that spouse. These "things" are predominantly not "of God," but "of men." A better place to begin searching for the qualities and traits to focus on (and pray for) is in Galatians 5:22.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Along with determining the characteristics we desire in a spouse, we should also be cognizant of God's plan and desire for our life. After many years, I have discovered I don't know everything there is to know about God or his methods (surprise!) and I have learned not to try to figure him out anymore. His ways are not my ways.

Many who may not have fit perfectly into my earlier "list" may be the exact person I need to complement my strengths and personality. I may think I know what I want, but only God knows what I need.

Establish those characteristics and values you want most in a spouse, lift your prayers and desires to the Lord, minimize your pre-conceived parameters or notions on whom, how, when or where you will meet your future spouse, step out of your comfort zone, take advantage of all opportunities, place your hope in him, trust in God and look for him to work in some amazing ways.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).

SHE SAID: Is it wrong to pray specifically when it comes to any matter in our lives?

Should we not pray about healing from a particular disease? About a job we are interviewing for? About a familial squabble that needs resolution? About whether or not we should go back to school? About believers undergoing persecution in a certain country across the globe?

I think not.

God's Word simply—and plainly—instructs us to bring our requests to him:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6-7).

The danger, I believe, lies in this: if we don't truly give over our requests to God and trust that he will work it out according to his plan, then we will worry and be anxious. We will be fixated on our circumstances and on these issues in our lives. We will be wasting our time (as Christ's ambassadors) here on earth. And we won't be any use for what God wants to do in and through our lives for his Kingdom.

There is nothing wrong with asking God for specifics when it comes to a spouse (I don't know of any verse in Scripture that prohibits this). However, know that all of us form and fashion our own ideas of what we think we need in a spouse. But ultimately God knows best who and what will be suitable for each of us. That can be a hard pill to swallow. It means giving up control of who you think you should marry.

But you may be thinking:

I don't want to marry someone I'm not attracted to. I don't want to marry someone who doesn't make me laugh. I don't want to marry someone who's not making x-amount of dollars per year. I don't want to marry someone who doesn't fit in well with my friends or family. What if God pairs me with someone who is boring? What if God pairs me with someone who is overbearing? What if God pairs me with someone who doesn't understand me? What if God pairs me with someone who doesn't seem interested in what interests me?

Hey, I'm right there with you! I don't want to be matched with someone who I don't think is right for me either. But the older I get, the more I see myself trusting my Father in this area. And the more I have seen my list of specific qualities that I desire in a mate become shorter and shorter.

I think I've narrowed it down to the most important ones now. Yes, there are a few "must haves" and also some "deal-breakers," but I've also seen how the Lord has changed the desires of my heart and caused me to be interested in people who I never would have considered perhaps five or ten years ago. In fact, if I showed you what used to be on my list of "spouse specifics," you would probably laugh. I had some very narrow-minded notions—right down to height, hair color and very detailed personality traits. (Okay, truth be told, the "height requirement" is still on there. But a tall gal's gotta do what she must do.)

As I have grown deeper in my faith, I can see myself letting go of these old notions and embracing whatever God has in store for me. Bottom line, it is a matter of trust. Do I trust in myself when it comes to determining the right spouse for me OR do I trust in the Creator of the Universe? The Master Designer who knew me before I was born. A Heavenly Father who knows the exact number of hairs on my head. The One who knows better who is right for me should he desire that I marry.

So I join with you in presenting my spousal requests to God. And I hope that we will both approach our Father accompanied by heart attitudes with thanksgiving, as Paul says in Philippians. I don't think it matters as much what we request, but how we are bringing our desires before the Throne of Grace ("I need, I want, I have to have" versus "I desire this, Father, but your will be done, as I know your ways are higher than mine and only you know what is best for my life").

God is bigger than our requests when it comes to a spouse or the emptiness we may feel in a present season of singleness. And he will form and shape our hearts to accept and receive whatever—or whomever!—he is bringing our way.

We aren't promised understanding, but when we give our requests to him, we are promised his peace that will embrace us, guard us and free us from the shackles of ourselves (our selfishness, our anxiety, our worries) to seek God's kingdom and his righteousness (Matthew 6:25-33).

Become a Hero, Man!

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 05:21:00 +0000

By Whitney Hopler

Men are meant to be heroes. Even when life's disappointments leave you feeling unfulfilled, you still have a heroic spark inside you, waiting to be set aflame. That's because you've been made in the image of the Great Hero - God - and called to live a heroic life.

Here's how you can become a hero:

Grow upward. Learn more about God and ask Him to empower you to reflect some of His wonderful qualities in your own life. Since God is the Creator, use the creativity He has given you to bless other people. Since God is your heavenly Father, forgive your earthly father for his mistakes and reconcile with him if he's still alive. Since God wants to have a face-to-face relationship with you, pursue face-to-face relationships with other people that allow for truly close bonds to develop between you. Since God protects you, guard against the ways that the world, your human selfish nature, and Satan try to attack you by praying and asking others you trust to pray for you. Since God has integrity, ask the Holy Spirit to empower you to live with integrity and ask a few other believers to hold you accountable to live with integrity every day.

Since God is in control, release your own agenda and pursue God's dreams for your life. Since God is faithful, rely on the strength He provides to overcome sin and love others faithfully as He calls you to do. Since God has always existed, ask Him to give you an eternal perspective on the situations you face. Since God is wise, seek His wisdom before making decisions so you can choose well. Since God is love, ask God to help you see yourself as He sees you - as His beloved child - and to make your life a conduit through which He pours out His love into other people's lives. Since God promises to always be with you to help, trust God to empower you to do whatever He calls you to do - even when it doesn't seem possible.

Grow inward. Learn more about the man God wants you to become and grow to be more like that person. Rather than running and hiding from God when you blow it, run toward Him to confess, repent, and receive the grace He generously offers you. Don't define yourself by what the culture values most: power, prestige, and possessions. Instead, embrace your identity as God's beloved child, whether or not you have what the world values. Remember that your faith isn't just about making good moral decisions; it's about inviting the Holy Spirit to live inside of you and transform you.

Realize that, because of Jesus' sacrificial death on the Cross for your sins, God sees you as righteous when you trust in Jesus, and when you see yourself as righteous, you'll be less inclined to sin. Look for real friends - people who love you enough to tell you the truth, even when you don't want to hear it - and be that kind of friend to others. Let go of regrets and shame over your past sins. If you've confessed and repented, God has forgiven you, and you're capable of moving forward into a better future.

Since God isn't angry at you, don't be angry at yourself or at other people. Ask God to help you forgive those who have hurt or offended you. Live as a free man, realizing that you're under grace rather than a set of external religious rules. Since God has loved you extravagantly, pass that lavish love onto other people by extending grace to them.

Abide in Christ, following His guidance daily about what's most important. Ask God to bring people into your life who can disciple you in the faith, and to bring others who you can disciple, as well. Accept your mission from God to share His love with others at all times and in all situations. Worship Him in every part of your life so that every activity becomes a sacred adventure. Make spiritual disciplines like prayer, solitude, silence, Bible reading, fasting, and getting together with other believers regular habits. Ask God to show you how to pray according to His will, and to use your prayer time to transform you so that you'll grow to want for yourself what God wants for you.

Grow outward. Use what you've learned about God and yourself to join God in His work in the world, helping to make it a better place. Recognize that your life's story is an important part of the greater story of God's work in the world. Read the Bible often and live by its principles to play your part in the greatest story of all.

Worship God, connect to others, and serve your community through your local church. Pray for the strength you need to be the best husband, father, or single person you can be, making the most of the time God gives you during your current season of life. Break free of the clutches of commercialism and materialism by pursuing the true treasure - Jesus - over everything else. View your money and possessions as simply tools you can use to advance God's kingdom work. Stick to a budget, get out of debt, and give generously to your local church and those in need. Thank God for the job He has given you, and consistently give your best effort to it, remembering that you're ultimately serving God through your work.

When you suffer, understand that you're suffering isn't in vain; God will use your experiences to make you more like Jesus. When other people suffer, listen to their stories and pray for them. Resist the temptation to view pornography. If you're already addicted to it, get counseling and pray for the strength to break free. Regularly share the Gospel message with people you know who aren't yet Christians. Fight evil every day by praying for the spiritual strength to overcome it.

Don't give up the faith, no matter what challenges you may encounter. Keep running the race of faith your whole life long, knowing that Jesus will be there at the finish line to celebrate with you!

Adapted from Hero: Unleashing God's Power in a Man's Heart, copyright 2009 by Derwin L. Gray. Published by Summerside Press, Bloomington, Mn.

1 Corinthians 13 - Love

noreply@blogger.com (Admin) — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 03:21:00 +0000

Love is never tired of waiting
Love is kind
Love has no envy
Love has no high opinion of itself
Love has no pride
Love’s ways are ever fair, it takes no thought for itself; it is not quickly made angry, it takes no account of evil; it takes no pleasure in wrongdoing, but has joy in what is true
Love has the power of undergoing all things, having faith in all things, hoping all things

...Love has no end!

1 Corinthian 13:4-8