Raw Stories of Life

What Size Tank for Betta Fish?

2012-07-08T16:17:00.001-04:00

After buying a Betta fish, one of my first questions was how large of a tank I needed. A lot of people on the internet have suggested that you need a large tank 2 gallons or larger, with plants and "fish houses" for a Betta to hang out in.

In the last two months I've had the opportunity to try different tanks for my Betta, who I named "fish" (like everyone else in the world apparently). A friend provided me with a small quart-sized tank which is more accurately a bowl. My fish seems to have ADHD and he's quite a hyperactive fellow. He does an "intimidation move" when you walk up to his tank where he darts back and forth while snapping his mouth open and shut. It's quite hilarious to watch and I try to impersonate him around my friends, to the distress of other restaurant patrons. At first I believed that fish's hyperactive activity indicated that he didn't like his tank and wanted out. He seemed to attack the sides of the bowl and I didn't understand why.

So I moved my Betta to a larger, temporary tank which was actually a 1 gallon iced tea pitcher. He seemed to love this new residence and wasn't nearly as hyperactive as before. After a few weeks I decided to buy him a proper 2.5 gallon tank. Again he seemed to enjoy the new environment, and I even bought a fake plant for him to hide in! Apparently you can tell when Betta fish are happy because they create these "bubble nests" on the surface of the water. One morning I would wake up and find a ton of bubbles in one area of the tank!

Another month went by and I made an interesting observation: Fish always seemed to hang out in one small area of the tank, near the corner. The more time that went by, the more he seemed to reside in this virtual "fish apartment" of only a few inches. He also seemed to completely avoid the plant which I thought he would hide in. I made another observation as well: 2.5 gallon tanks are a huge pain in the ass to clean. I already have major OCD, so the last thing I feel like doing is cleaning a giant fishy-smelling tank for an hour every few weeks. Also, I've had nightmares about the glass tank breaking or falling apart, sending 2.5 gallons of nasty fish water throughout my apartment. I then started wondering if fish actually needed such a large tank!

I therefore decided to move fish back to his old quart-sized tank. I thought of this as an experiment.. If he seemed extremely unhappy then I would revert to a larger tank. It was also around this time that I discovered Bettas like to attack their own image in a mirror. Well the sides of the small fish tank are quite mirrored, and this seemed to explain fish's strange aggressiveness towards the side of the tank. To my delight, after moving fish back into his old bowl he was just as happy as in the larger tanks. He's energetic and loves when I walk into the kitchen to visit him. I tend to overfeed fish because he's just so charming.

Although I've only had my Betta fish for a few months, at this point I don't believe Bettas require a giant tank to thrive in. My friend also has a Betta (for over a year) and she has a small tank as well. She agrees and says that her own fish is quite satisfied with a smaller bowl. I think that a lot of people just assume a Betta needs a large tank to thrive because they are thinking in terms of their own preferences (well we don't live in closets do we?)

Nostalgia is the Strangest Thing

2011-08-06T12:55:00.002-04:00

Nostalgia is the weirdest thing to me. I mean it makes perfect sense... You did something in the past that you enjoyed, and when thinking about it, you want to do it again to get that same feeling.

This sounds great in theory, but in real life is quite challenging to achieve. Most of the time you'll end up getting more depressed trying to replicate the activity. Today I started thinking about an old video game I used to play and how much fun I had. So I broke out the 10-year-old CD (are you kidding me???) and load up the game. Unfortunately the experience is slightly different this time around.

First the game won't load at all of course.. the screen is blank. Oh right, the resolution on computers in 2001 was a *bit* lower than on computers nowadays. 1080p doesn't work so well with Halo: Combat Evolved which was probably designed in the 90's! After resolving this issue I realize that there are about 10 pixels on the screen... Damn, how graphics have improved. The Halo "Master Chief" character looks like he's made up of around 10 pixels. Is that his head or his ass? Who knows!?

Now that I'm through all the technical issues and whining about pixels, I attempt to play multiplayer on the internet. Wow there are actually still servers up. Well that's hopeful. Unfortunately after getting into a server I realize just how terrible the netcode is. People are warping around hacker-style and some ghetto "rockets only" addon is being used. This is not what I remember from playing epic CTF matches on Blood Gulch back in my happy days. I end up leaving the game, frustrated, because the experience just isn't the same. I couldn't even get into a non-full server without some silly mod or with 500+ latency!

Well gaming is only one example of nostalgia. There are much worse examples. I won't even get into thinking about ex-girlfriends because that is probably the most painful (of course you CAN'T duplicate those experiences.) Typically ex-girlfriends aren't really too fond of you after the breakup. They also tend to gain about 100lbs after high school and college.

What this all really comes down to is that as you get older, activities just are not as fun. Life is exciting when you're a kid, but as you age everything just gets more dull. It could just be me, but I have feeling that a lot of people out there would agree about this. Just think back to Christmas when you were a kid. Pretty awesome right? Magical even. After 20 years... not so much. You're probably more worried these days about filing your IRS tax return on time, or not getting pulled over for exceeding the speed limit by 11mph during the drive to work.

Well, I guess all you can do is try to have fun, however you can. Even though life is pretty dull after 20-25, just make the best of it. Try to go on trips and have new experiences. Use the money you make from your boring office job to enjoy life. What else can you really do?

Our Society Makes No Sense... Work, Work, Work, Die

2011-08-06T03:06:00.003-04:00

Ever stop to think about how ridiculous our society is? So you spend the first 20 years of your life "being educated", which mostly consists of being lectured by biased teachers who don't know what the hell they are talking about. Being forced to attend a prison where you need a "hallway pass" just to go to the bathroom. Things have also gotten WAY worse for students since 9/11. At least when I attended school, I had some sense of freedom. No, today schools look like a penitentiary, with security cameras, electronic locks, and even on-site police squads. Wow, way to instill creativity and a sense of freedom into our country's youth.

After all that nonsense feel free to rack up some ridiculous bills attending college. Make it through that and you can hopefully bullshit your way into a job where you actually make money... Oh this is where the real fun begins.

Society then decides that you're going to get paid a ridiculously low sum of money to work on an HOURLY basis at a place of employment. Great incentive to do quality work... Do the bare minimum or work your ass off and you'll make the same exact amount. Brilliant America. Kiss enough ass and you may end up getting a promotion for an additional 5% pay, if you're lucky. Wow..

Meanwhile inflation continues to rise and you'll be lucky to maintain the standard of living you had when you started that job. Oh yes here's $30,000 a year. No here's $60,000 a year. After taxes and living expenses you'll have enough money leftover to get a few drinks at the local pub.

This system is insane.. We all know who's making the money (scumbags at the top) while the rest of us are wasting our lives sitting in tiny cubicles making some manager feel good about himself. We HAVE the technology to make everyone's lives a lot better, but instead we'll waste all our resources fighting among ourselves.

To summarize, people are morons, and it's not getting any better. Sometimes I think I'm from another planet altogether. Do you think people just took so many drugs back in the day that all their offspring went insane? There has to be an explanation for human behavior someplace right?

I'm a computer guy, so I always talk about how technology is the key. However, politics and bullshit holds everything up. Progress cannot happen when the entire system stalls it. How long will it take for society to move forward? I love watching those movies from a few decades ago, where they talk about "Ah yes in the year 2005, when giant spacecraft will be exploring the galaxy, and we'll all be flying around in aircars, etc". LOL yeah right, not on this planet. Instead we'll just pretend that in 2011 our best technology is still the internal combustion engine developed over 100 years ago.

What's The Deal With People Driving Giant Trucks and SUVs?

2011-08-06T02:42:00.002-04:00

OK seriously what's the deal with all these people driving around over-sized pickup trucks, and in a recession of all times? I remember back in the 90's when they started getting carried away with SUVs.. Remember the Ford Explorer? Oh, then we had the EXCURSION, the SUBURBAN, those ridiculous cars that had like 8 seats in them. Why not just buy a bus?

I had a friend in high school who used to make fun of these giant vehicles with me. He told me that they might as well come out with a "Ford Idiot", the biggest SUV EVER! I had a girlfriend with parents who would have bought one of those in a second. I mean these people aren't even using all the cargo space for anything. It's just a giant empty vehicle for them to drive around for no apparent reason.

Anyway, back to the trucks. It seems like everywhere I go some assclown pulls up in a MASSIVE pickup truck and parks so close to me he has to exit via the passenger side window. Then you have those crazy rednecks who need to back into every damn parking space perfectly as if a panel of judges is watching the exercise.

Similarly those tiny cars piss me off as well. The "Smart Car"? Could it look any more ridiculous? The thing looks like somebody put the "Ford Idiot" into a compactor for a few hours. Well people can do whatever they want.. I'm going to continue driving around my boring looking 35mpg sedan because it's sensible. Everyone else can keep driving around massive pickups like they are going to work at a rock quarry. But we all know they probably work in some crappy office just like the rest of us.

Memory Foam Mattress: Sleep Better and Save Money

2011-08-06T02:06:00.007-04:00

Recently I started shopping for a new mattress, after my 12 year old spring mattress started sagging to the floor. It's funny because you get used to sleeping on something, and don't realize how terrible it is. My old mattress squeaked and I could feel the supports of it when laying down... not such a good thing. Most mornings I would wake up with a sore back because my bed sagged so much that it provided no support.

So... off to the mall I went, eager to find this new mattress. I was not looking forward to spending $1000+ on something decent, or to moving furniture all over the place in my tiny apartment. Unfortunately, I was only more confused after leaving the mall... So many brands, so many levels of comfort, and then these new memory foam mattresses to wonder about.. Only $3000+ for the nice ones! Wow!

Fortunately after getting home I did some internet research. I was again overwhelmed and confused,until I found this site, which reviews brands and types of mattresses based on feedback from consumers themselves. Wow, somebody really did their homework here..

What becomes obvious almost immediately when reading sleeplikethedead.com, is how memory foam mattresses are superior in almost every way... I was skeptical, so I found one of the most popular brands (Spa Sensations) and decided to do some more research.

Over to Walmart's website I went, where they apparently sold this brand of memory foam mattress. To my amazement, the product received incredibly high reviews, and even better, the price was astonishing... $200-300 for the larger sizes! That's $500+ off of purchasing a major brand name spring mattress. I made my decision almost immediately, and purchased a California King size memory foam mattress from Spa Sensations (again, sold online at Walmart).

The package comes sealed in a box that one person can carry, and once taken out the mattress expands. This makes it incredibly easy to transport compared to a full sized spring mattress. I've been sleeping on mine for 7+ months, and it supports your body very well.. You won't wake up with creaks in your back or stiff arms.. It's firm and supportive.

So I would highly recommend to anyone to seriously look into these knockoff memory foam mattresses. Tempurpedic may have started the trend, but they overcharge big time.. Don't waste your money unless you're an elitist and have cash to throw away. I'm pretty damn picky myself, and the Spa Sensations memory foam mattress is awesome.. Just give it a try, you won't regret saving $500.

PS - Yes I have to thanks a certain friend here who recommended a memory foam mattress far before I ever did any research. I laughed and told him I would never buy one. Time to eat my words I guess..

How To Get Rid of Junk Mail

2011-06-03T05:34:00.013-04:00

Postal junk mail has really started to annoy me recently. It seems like the volume of it has gone way up, to the point where I have an entire trashcan full every month. Not only is it annoying, but your personal information is being sold and traded all over the place, and when you throw away junk mail (unless you "sanitize" it), you are putting personal information out there for people to use for such things as identity theft. With that in mind, I decided to look into how to really get rid of junk mail, and found this website immediately- http://www.obviously.com/junkmail/ which has a lot of interesting tips. I know that some of you probably receive a lot more junkmail than I do. Sure it's some work to follow the steps below, but in the long run you'll be saving a lot of time, and your personal information won't be passed around like a cheap prostitute.

Here is the method I came up with that I felt was most efficient and effective:

1) Go to the following website and sign up: http://www.dmachoice.org. Click on all four junk-mail categories on the left and follow instructions (basically find the button at the bottom for opting out of everything). The first link goes to a "Consumer Credit Reporting Companies" where you want to opt out, and it will do this for five years.

2) Sign up here: http://www.catalogchoice.org. Basically you want to take every piece of junk mail you receive on an ongoing basis, and search for the company name on the website. If it exists you can opt out using the button (and sometimes a form).

3) If the company does not exist on the catalogchoice website, you can opt out manually by emailing or using the customer service "contact us" form on the company's website. You can also fax them if they have a number (I use faxzero.com). What you want to do is send them a message like this:

Subject: Remove (name) From Mailing List

Message: Please remove the following name and address from your postal mailing list. (Name), (Address). Please do not rent or trade my contact information with any other organization. Thank you.

What's important is that you match exactly the name and address they have written on the spam they sent you. So if they have your name as "Johhny D Cupcakes" put it down just like that in your message. If they sent it to "Current Resident" then use that for the name instead. List your account number or any unique identification number if you can, but most of the time I couldn't find that information. It will probably take a few months before these changes take effect, but in the long run it should be much less work. Good luck!

UPDATE (08/06/2011)...

I just wanted to put a small update here. So far after following the above instructions, I haven't seen a huge difference in junk mail. A few of the really stubborn and annoying places are still sending me spam today, two months later. I'm assuming that they "lost" my many requests to be taken off their stupid mailing lists. Still, I believe the amount of junk mail I receive will lessen over time. It takes a few months just to be taken off of these stupid mailing lists in the first place.

Also there is another angle I failed to mention. Apparently many of these junk mail providers are paying for the bulk of the postal service's fees. So you're actually paying less for mail service because these companies are paying for all this advertising... It's something to think about at least. I still hate junk mail, but would I want to pay $1 to send a letter? Or $20 to order something from Amazon? Hmmm..

UPDATE (07/07/2012)...

Well a year later and I have seen a big difference in junk mail. Only the most stubborn companies are still spamming me! Notably Comcast and financial institutions that I actually belong to such as my bank. However I have almost completely stopped receiving unsolicited mail from everyone else! I'd say the process was definitely worth it.

Life is Awkward

2010-06-25T03:43:00.001-04:00

It seems like every social situation I get into these days is incredibly awkward. People (myself included) just aren't used to social contact or adjusted for it, and when it comes down to the real thing, everyone just sits around playing with their phones and waiting for events to end.

I certainly do this myself. Today I was at an event and since everyone looked "awkward".. "shy".. "bored" or whatever word you want to use, I decided to play TOWER BATTLE on my Nexus One. An awesome game for sure, but it kind of defeated the purpose of going to a social event. The worst part is, I've been single for a long time and can't afford to be socially awkward all the time.

Don't you hate when you run into those people who seem to be experts at every social situation? I always find that Europeans are great at it. It's like they always have something interesting to talk about... epic stories and fun topics. I've been told that English people are very "dry", but from my own observations they always seem vibrant and have a lot to say. It seems like they aren't afraid to have fun.

When it comes to social situations, I always find that I end up either talking to somebody I know and am comfortable with, or I shut down and say a few polite words to strangers before escaping to some sort of phone related activity. Of course nobody else is any better.. Women especially seem to be experts at playing with their phones all the time instead of socializing.

It makes one wonder; what did people do before cell phones were around? Play with their wallets? Stare at the ceiling? Or just force themselves to socialize? It's sad when you see kids, who have no inhibitions talking to everyone in the room, yet all the people past puberty are scared to death to make human contact. Well, that's the world today I guess. Somehow people still manage to meet out there. Maybe it just requires massive amounts of alcohol or caffeine to socialize properly.

Worst Cook Ever

2010-06-25T03:22:00.005-04:00

I AM the worst cook ever. I swear. Everyone else was apparently born with a thorough knowledge of proper meat temperatures and grilling techniques. Every time I try to cook something it burns... bad. If it doesn't burn then I forgot one or more crucial ingredients and as for reading those recipes? Yeah, you can multiply the "preparation time" by about 10.

Today I went to my friend's house, where he effortlessly cooked perfect steaks, chicken, and even hot dogs (well at least I can do that!) I was amazed at how perfect the chicken was. I could NEVER do it that well. Worse is how modest the guy was.. He shrugged off my compliments as if his dog could have cooked the meat to perfection.

Seriously, what is it with men and cooking? Not to bash the women out there, but they typically don't seem fond of grilling. All my guy friends just have this intimate knowledge of BBQ'ing, and come up with recipes on the fly like it's nothing. I couldn't even imagine attempting to INVENT my own sauce. What a disaster that would be.. Just a few months ago I couldn't even cook a pot pie without a complete disaster every few minutes! It took me hours just to prepare the damn thing BEFORE I put it in the oven. I will admit however, that it turned out pretty good under the circumstances (of me cooking..)

If there is a God, and I ever meet him, I'm going to demand to know why I wasn't programmed with cooking skills, and why all my friends were. How come I can take apart a computer with my eyes closed and put it back together again, but I can't even heat up tea without destroying the microwave!

Unhealthy Foods Pictures

2010-06-25T02:59:00.012-04:00

OK my good friend the wench seems to be unclear as to what's healthy food and what's not, so Captain Buck (wait, what's my name on this site?) is going to set the record straight. First of all, if you live in America... more specifically USA, pretty much ALL food is unhealthy. This is because it's an American tradition to eat unhealthy. It's also an American tradition to rack up ridiculous medical expenses due to the effects of eating the said unhealthy food.

There are some exceptions however. Californian's seem to like eating healthy. Vegetarian diets are popular and people LOVE guacamole. I've heard that it's high in "healthy fats". There are probably other parts of the country that like to eat healthy as well, but let's face it: Go outside in most cities/towns and you immediately run into 500 unhealthy restaurants.. There's the ever popular fast food such as McDonalds, Burger King and Wendy's, and then the sit-down restaurants which are even worse! Ruby Tuesday, Chilis, and Applebees are good examples.

Our country makes it entirely too easy to eat unhealthy. If you want to eat healthy, good luck finding something affordable and tasteful on the menu! It makes me sick that in our country a salad costs damn near $10, and it usually sucks! Go to Ukraine or Romania and you can have an AWESOME salad for a few bucks tops! Yes, I've been to both places and I can confirm this.

OK, so let's look at some pictures of unhealthy foods:

Burgers

OH that looks tasty. Well it's also going to kill you. And burgers are one of the most popular meals here in the United States. Fast food places have them, and so do the sit-down restaurants. Beware of the many different forms of the burger that are equally unhealthy: "Cowboy Burger", "Mexican Burger", etc. In fact, if a burger has some sort of nickname it's probably even worse for you!

Ramen Noodles

Everyone loves Ramen Noodles.. OK, everyone at college loves Ramen Noodles. They're cheap and easy to make. Unfortunately for you, they contain enough sodium to turn you into a salt lick. Watch out for cows as they may suddenly find you attractive. Of course most "almost ready to eat" products contain TONS of sodium, but Ramen is at the top of the list.

Soda

Ah, soda... pretty much the only damn thing you can drink at 99% of restaurants! Not completely true, but what else can you drink? Water? Milk? It's the only damn thing you can get more than one glass of without spending a fortune. When you think about it, soda is such a bad idea.. absolutely loaded with sugar, which many people attribute to the worst of health problems. Some even think sugar is the REAL culprit behind heart disease and other illnesses, not fat and cholesterol.

French Fries

Oh, this one's just painful. You'd have to be a communist to not like French fries. Worst of all they are pretty much served with EVERYTHING. Order a cheeseburger and get fries.. order a damn falafel and get fries.. even soup seems to come with fries! And they are the worst.. not only do they have record setting amounts of cholesterol and fat, but fries also have a carcinogen called "Acrylamide" packed into them. Carcinogen is a fancy word for "causes cancer". Great eh? I'm sure we're all guilty of eating too many fries, but what can you do? Like I said, they're everywhere.

Canned Soup

Canned soup, like Ramen, contains loads of sodium. That's not all however.. It also has a good amount of fat and MSG. It's sad because I bet a lot of people think canned soup is a healthy alternative to... whatever it is that is healthy these days.

Well, it's an uphill battle trying to eat healthy in this country. Either you have to learn to cook healthy yourself, eat very simple and boring foods, or go to more expensive establishments that are actually trying not to kill you. Good Luck!

Road Delays & Construction

2010-06-25T02:27:00.001-04:00

I really, really hate when I'm driving along having a nice day, and suddenly run into "road construction". Of course they always make the construction as inconvenient as possible, right in the middle of rush hour.

The worst part is when they post police at both ends of the construction zone to help people "drive safer", when all it does is make idiots slow down to half the speed limit because they are scared to get pulled over! For some reason people on the highway turn into morons and need to slow down to 20mph whenever they see cops, accidents, or rainbows. Come on people, give me a break!

More annoying than that is when they have traffic only going one way, and leave it up to those "flagmen" to decide how long traffic will flow in one direction. Tonight I must have waited 10 minutes because the idiotic flagmen forgot that traffic also goes WEST on Route 30 in Pennsylvania! This is because apparently traffic lights in Pennsylvania have the shakiest power supplies ever. All the buildings have power, but not the traffic lights?! What's that all about?

Seriously why can't the department of transportation plan things out a little better, so that we aren't sitting around idling for half our commute because of idiotic construction. Don't even get me started on police and their ridiculous job descriptions either.. What is it with cops and speed limits anyway? This is the "land of the free", where you get nailed for all kinds of petty infractions on the road. Pathetic..

Lancaster PA: Things To Do

2010-06-23T00:49:00.006-04:00

Lancaster, PA isn't just known for Amish people you know. Here we have the first paved road in the United States (now part of Route 30), and Lancaster is also known for a few inventions! The first battery powered watch was invented here, and the steamboat was invented by a man from Lancaster as well! Well, enough about that. You're here to find things to do in Lancaster in the present day after all. Here's a list:

1) Dutch Wonderland

This lesser known theme park isn't as big as Disney World, but it's a nice place to bring your kids. There are several roller-coasters, a water park area, and even a "monorail" that tours the park! Something tells me Disney wouldn't appreciate that.

2) Strasburg Railroad

Feel like chilling out? Head down to the Strasburg Railroad, where you can ride on an authentic steam-powered locomotive! You can eat an authentic meal on the train as well! Don't forget to check out nearby attractions such as corn maizes and farm tours.

3) Lancaster Outlets

Lancaster is known for its many clothing outlets. Come here to find some great deals. Nike, Nautica, Izod, Gap, and Liz Claiborne are examples of shops at the outlets.

4) Enjoy Local Eateries

For a nicer experience, head to the epic Mexican restaurant (castle) El Serrano or get Seafood and Mediterranean at Gibraltar.

Looking to go cheaper? Why not try Rice & Noodles Restaurant or Spyro Gyros & Salads, both local favorites!

5) Local Breweries

Lancaster has some great local breweries. My favorite is Iron Hill, where you can get the best beer known to man: RASPBERRY WHEAT! Another good local brewery is the Lancaster Brewing Company.

6) Amish Shops

You can find many smaller Amish shops along Route 30 and 340 East of Lancaster. There are also quite a few motels up that direction. Keep going this way and you will see Amish buggies driving around!

I hope you enjoyed my list of things to do in Lancaster, PA, and feel free to comment!

Writing Tense: Past or Present?

2010-06-22T23:21:00.002-04:00

Should you write in the past or present tense? This question really comes down to preference. Most books are written in the past tense. I have found personally that I can't stand reading books in the present tense.. This is probably because I'm not used to it. It is also technically harder to write in the present tense, so that is something to think about.

Movies and TV Shows are of course in the present tense, but they are obviously much different than books. While writing a TV Episode blog recently, I kept finding myself creeping into the present tense. I didn't like the idea of referring to an episode I was reviewing in the past tense. After a while I settled on writing a recap in the past tense, and writing the majority of my review in the present tense. This seemed to work fairly well.. Of course after having an English teacher review it, I was forced to go one way or the other? (was it really that big of a deal? :)

In the English language it's actually technically incorrect to write fiction in the present tense, because the story has already happened. Present tense is more often used in playscripts, which are a set of instructions to be carried out in the future.

However, people will argue with these points. Some like to tell stories in the present tense to cause a more "immediate" effect ("So I'm going downtown in the police car, and they tell me to shut up or I'm going to be locked away!")

Have you ever written a story in the present tense? Or even read one? What did you think about it? I think a majority of people prefer stories in the past tense, and would write them similarly.

PC Wattage: Costs More Than You Think!

2010-06-22T04:18:00.001-04:00

It was a few years ago while doing computer consulting for a private school that I first pondered how much energy a computer really used.. After doing some research I was surprised to see that having just one computer on 24/7 could be costing hundreds of dollars a year! I was shocked.

And it's no joke. Although the wattage of each computer can vary widely, imagine having 100 computers on 24/7 and paying the electric bill! We're talking about $10,000 a year easy! Using your screen saver will not make a difference, as the monitor and computer are still drawing energy.

Therefore I highly recommend you turn off your PC if you are trying to save money on your electric bill. Here at home I run a mid-range desktop, and it certainly adds a good amount to my electric bill. Laptops are far more energy efficient, and Apples are also known for being energy efficient. Older computers and especially giant CRT monitors.. not so much.

It's hard to give very specific numbers when talking about PC Wattage, but there are some factors that can help give you a clue. If you're using a high-end desktop with a nice video card, it's going to use more energy.. This will run a few hundred a year. However, laptops and Apple computers could be as low as $10 a year! Especially if you turn them off when you're not using them.

Speaking of whether it's better to keep your computer on or off, there is a huge debate about the issue and both sides have their points. Some people claim that having a computer on all the time is better for the hard drive and fans, because they don't experience a "cold" startup.

However, people who think turning your computer off is better point out that all moving parts have lifespans, and this is obviously decreased if you let the fans and hard drives in your computer constantly spin. I tend to like leaving computers on, only for convenience, but this is poor practice when it comes to saving on your electric bill. Maybe someday I will learn and follow my own advice.

Electric costs are and should be a factor in deciding between a laptop or desktop. Remember that you're most likely going to save at LEAST in the double digits per year in power costs if you purchase a laptop instead of a desktop. Also, laptops takes up less space and are mobile! Desktops are more for serious gamers and workers these days.

Filters, Noise, and Fans: Reducing Noise While You're Sleeping

2010-06-22T03:44:00.001-04:00

I have found that the best way to mask noise is with a fan. It's not easy to filter out annoying noises such as loud neighbors, lawnmowers, or angry UPS drivers. However, a fan does wonders.

For several years I lived in a house with an overhead fan, and that was a great way to reduce noise while also maintaining a nice breeze. Having a fan on also reduces your AC bill in the summer. I find that 74 degrees is uncomfortable without a fan, but with a fan I can go up to 76 degrees. That's a lot of AC savings! Even a few degrees can make a huge difference. Having a fan on also makes you more comfy in bed, as your covers will "protect" you from the blowing fan, while you are still cooled sufficiently that you are not overheating.

After moving into my new apartment, I did not have an overhead fan and was worried. However, I simply purchased a powerful stand-up fan, and this has worked just as well! It masks noises very well too. Half the time I don't even notice the doorbell! OK well that's not always a good thing, but luckily I can turn the fan down to a point where I will hear the doorbell. I also run the fan during the day most of the time. Sitting at my computer can get quite hot, and computers do put out a lot of heat.

Having a fan is almost hypnotic and adds atmosphere to your bedroom. I absolutely love wind outside (as long as I'm not freezing!) so having a fan indoors is similar. Other methods to reducing noise are using earplugs and playing music. However, earplugs can be uncomfortable while you are sleeping, and music can also keep you awake unless it's soothing new age or nature sounds. I find that a fan still masks noises best. Good luck!

Why Play Hard To Get? Relationships Shouldn't Be So Hard!

2010-06-22T03:28:00.005-04:00

Guys play hard to get. So do girls. What's the point? Aren't relationships hard enough without all the game-playing before they even begin?

I've been wondering about this topic for a long time. I first noticed this phenomenon when I was a teenager and my family visited the beach. I was always nice to the pretty girls, while my brother acted as though he was too good for them. Throughout the entire vacation I would chase these girls around, trying to impress them, while my brother "did his own thing". OK, so he has the looks in the family, but still! It was more than that. I spent a majority of my time being the messenger between my brother and these girls, and by the end of the vacation they were falling all over my brother. I was left in the dust.

Years later, I finally understand (at least much better) this interesting psychological event. People in general it seems just don't appreciate what is "available", but want what they cannot have. If you live next to a beach, chances are you probably won't think much of the beach. Live in Wisconsin however and it becomes a much more valuable commodity. A little kid who rarely gets to visit restaurants will go berserk over even a trip to McDonalds, while an older man who has a car will take restaurants for granted.

So as you can see it's not just relationships that involve this phenomenon. Playing "hard to get" is just something men and women learn to do to attract the other sex. We have all heard the all too common advice of not calling too soon after a first date or receiving somebody's phone number. Society tells us that it "makes you look desperate".

Personally, I think playing hard to get is ridiculous.. Although I will admit women doing this attract me more, I refuse to give into the game. On the contrary, I would rather meet somebody who is genuine. However, this is easier said than done. In fact, I can't even remember the last female I met who didn't play hard to get! It's just human nature I guess.

The best advice that young men and women can take from this article is that you pretty much have to play this silly game in order to succeed in the relationship world. It's sad but true. Don't expect to have a lot of success by being a nice guy or girl. You have to sell yourself. Don't give up your heart easily or you will get hurt. If you do manage to find a good relationship without playing games, good for you! I'd love to hear about it.

Work, Employment, Society: Is It All a Scam?

2010-06-22T01:44:00.001-04:00

Work, Employment, Society... Doesn't it just seems like a scam? Look how far technology has come. We have computers that can do just about anything. Robots can assemble vehicles, computers can do billions of calculations a second easily, and we have the technology available to create societies where people do not need a 9-5 bore-fest of a job.

I saw a documentary recently about a different kind of society, where people did not slave away at pointless jobs for a majority of their lives. I think it's certainly possible. There is no reason people can't at the very least have more options with their employment. Does society really expect a person to live on their meager salary with costs today? Healthcare alone is staggering. Taxes are ridiculous, and prices on most services keep people at bay until they absolutely need them.

The biggest problem with this world is that we refuse to move forward.. We are creatures of habit and do the same stupid things over and over.. Just look at our diets. Every time I go out to eat 9 out of 10 places serve food that's so unhealthy I might as well start digging my own grave. Look at our reluctance to move forward with cleaner energies or more efficient forms of transportation such as high speed rails. It's very frustrating.

It makes you wonder if our society will ever move forward, or whether we will stay stubborn until the very end. Relationships are another area that our society holds back.. "Expectations" are so important... getting married, having kids.. But people don't use their heads! Who really thinks about the future of their kids or what life is going to be like? Who plans ahead? Not many people it seems.. Every time I go into a diner I meet a waitress who has 5+ kids and somehow I don't think she planned the whole thing out very well. People are so obsessed with what's expected of them that they forget to think for themselves!

Someday things will have to change, but will it be too late? I don't think people are happy with the current society situation, at least here in the US. We're so obsessed with all the wrong things, and it's sad. Something is very wrong with the world today.. Was it this way 50 years ago? 100? I have no idea, but I think the world has lost its mind.

Roland Emmerich's 2012: Worst "End of the World" Movie Ever?

2010-06-22T01:21:00.006-04:00

Roland Emmerich's 2012 is an absolute bore-fest. I don't even know where to begin. 2012 was so long I was starting to wonder if the end of the world might actually come before the credits rolled.

First we have John Cusack, a formidable actor playing "Jackson Curtis", who wrote a book. We don't really learn much about this book; only that the important science advisor "Adrian" read it at some point in his life, and therefore it's worth talking about. Curtis runs around the movie surviving every possible ridiculous situation you can think of. If I'm not mistaken I believe Curtis and his cronies survived not one, two, but THREE separate plane takeoff events during catastrophes. In any case, Cusack seems to know he's in a terrible movie, and just goes through the motions to collect his hefty paycheck.

Chiwetel Ejiofor plays the nerdy scientist "Adrian", who has such a noble heart it will either make you barf or throw your TV out the window. During the entire movie, Adrian acts more like a bleeding heart liberal than any kind of scientist I've ever met. He's so worried about saving everyone in the world that he forgets about such "unimportant" things like I don't know.. Science? Planning? And logistics? The most ridiculous part was when Adrian went up against the big bad G-Man "Carl Anheuser", who was the only person thinking straight in the whole damn movie. Of course Emmerich makes Anheuser look like a jerk, but the truth is he was the only guy actually following a plan while everyone else just "followed their heart". Too bad that doesn't work in real life.

Pretty much everyone else in the movie isn't even worth mentioning. We have Curtis' ex-wife and her nerdy husband, a couple of annoying kids, and some rich, shady Russian with two kids who look like shaggy dogs. Oh yeah and the Russian whore with the heart of gold. Wow, what amazing supporting actors we have in this movie. Did I forget anyone? Yes of course, Danny Glover who plays the selfless president. Aside from the fact that Glover has the most annoying voice I've ever heard, he pretty much does nothing useful in the film.

It's hard to even cover all the negatives of this movie it was so bad. It was well over two hours in length for no particular reason. The science in the movie was just ridiculous. The ONLY redeeming factor of this movie was the special effects.. They were good for the most part, but it's a shame they were accompanied by such a dull script.

Sorry Emmerich, but things have clearly gone downhill. Independence Day was a great film, and Day After Tomorrow had *some* magic left, but 2012 is just a stinker. The sad thing is- it probably made more money than the other two movies put together. I really think I should start producing movies because there's no doubt I could make a movie better than 2012.

Test Car Drivers You DON'T Want To Run Into

2010-03-16T12:30:00.011-04:00

Today I'd like to profile different kinds of prospective test car drivers. Everyone has to deal with moronic drivers; even moronic drivers have to deal with other moronic drivers! I'm going to attempt to categorize them all here. Well, let's just get into it shall we?!

1) The "I'm Going To Tailgate The Hell Out of You and Then Go Slow Once I Pass" Driver

Ah, one of my favorite kinds of drivers. You'll be driving along in the fast lane on the highway, probably passing a slow truck or old person, when you get that predictable tailgater right on your ass. WOW, they must be in a hurry! So you do what any decent citizen does and ~~slam on your brakes~~ pull over to the right after passing the slow vehicle.

Suddenly, the person tailgating you doesn't know WHAT to do! I mean they were perfectly comfortable while attached to your bumper, but now they are SCARED. So up comes the next slow vehicle in the right lane, and now you are forced to get behind the idiot in the left lane, who is now going just fast enough to pass the slow vehicle sometime during the next millennium.

2) The Proud Mint-Condition Truck Owner

The Proud Mint-Condition Truck Owner always drives around a.. well mint-condition giant-ass truck of course. I'm not sure what this is all about, but they have probably gone through some sort of child abuse in their past and now maintaining a perfectly shined truck is their focus in life. You can always spot these drivers because their vehicle looks as if it was serviced by Mr. Clean himself. They also tend to drive extremely slow and carefully, and often have 20-50 cars following them on a one-lane road. However the BIGGEST sign to look for is that they park their vehicle backwards NO MATTER WHAT.

I personally think that the Proud Mint-Condition Truck Owner has some kind of mental condition that causes them to always want to park backwards in spaces. It's not just so they have better visibility, trust me. I can see the gleam in their eyes as they do it.

3) The "Apocalypse Is Coming And I'm Getting To Hell Before You Do" Driver

These drivers don't care about rules, don't care about safety, and especially don't care about you. They don't use their turn-signals, don't follow speed limits, don't stay inside their lanes, and will even use the shoulder to pass. They have one mission in life and that's getting somewhere important and FAST. Perhaps they ran out of Captain Crunch or left a briefcase full of cash in a public location. I experienced a lot of these drivers in Kuwait when I worked there once.

4) The "Old Person With Nowhere To Go" Driver

EVERYONE knows this driver all too well. The typical bent-over old lady or man who drives 15-20mph below the speed limit, and is completely oblivious to the world around them. They could care less that you're 20 minute late for work, because they haven't worked in 20 years! The only thing they have to look forward to is the next Bingo game or History Channel Special.

5) The "Boycott Turn-Signals" Driver

This is a very peculiar driver. Perhaps I'm just going insane, but I swear when they switch lanes, they do it in this extremely arrogant fashion and NEVER use their turn-signal. I think that in reality they are doing this on purpose! They want to make a statement that they aren't going to use their turn-signal and want you to know it! This driver doesn't necessarily go very fast, they just make often lane changes to seemingly showoff their lack of turn-signal usage.

6) The Angry Minivan Driver

Another fascinating creature. The Angry Minivan Driver seems to be keenly aware that they are in fact driving a minivan, and not an SUV or other expensive vehicle. Therefore, they want everyone on the road to know that they are pissed off about this and are going to drive recklessly.

Their minivan is typically at least 5-10 years old and they don't have any regard for it whatsoever. This driver isn't as evil as the apocalyptic person above, but they are nearly as reckless. I call this mysterious illness "Angry Minivan Syndrome". If you think you might have this disease, I would recommend you visit your auto mechanic for a smack-down immediately.

7) The "Young, Poor Female With a Junker" Driver

I see so many of these young female drivers, all with cars from the early 90's. There's not much to say about them, except they usually appear to be in some kind of trance while driving, and never move their eyes from being fixed and straight ahead. I'm not sure if they are in college, or working, or what, but the road is littered with them.

8) The Left Lane Loiterer

Oh yeah I'm sure a lot of people were wondering if I would ever get to this one. I'm not sure about where you live, but in good old Pennsylvania we have a law that you should "pass in the left lane", and "cruise in the right". Of course this kind of driver completely ignores that rule, and just cruises in the left lane. They are completely oblivious like the old driver, except they also block traffic.

There is no solution to the Left Lane Loiterer, because they are blocking your path! They like to sit in the left lane, next to a slow-moving vehicle, and go at exactly the same speed. The person in the right lane usually also acts oblivious and doesn't do anything to resolve the problem. Therefore it's a deadlock with dozens of cars piling up behind the left lane driver. Fun!

9) The Big Rig War-Fiends

This is a group of Big Rig drivers who seem to enjoy passing each other at EXTREMELY low speeds. Typically they like to do this going up a hill, so that adequate speed cannot be produced. These drivers take turns passing each other and block all lanes the entire time. Usually the passer eventually "gives up" trying to pass the other truck, and gets back in the right lane. However, this takes about 10 minutes to happen. In the meantime, enjoy yourself!

10) The Abusive Police Cruiser

It's always nice to get pulled over for going 15 over the speed limit, then seeing the officer pull out afterwards and go 90 because he can get away with it. I even got pulled over once for having tint on my windows! The officer said he was worried that I may have been in a "hostage situation" and he couldn't see through the window. Yes, because I'm sure police could identify a hostage situation through a car window. Would that help? If somebody has a hostage it's to ensure the police can't do anything stupid! Argggh!

Adler Personality: How To Deal With a Firstborn

2010-03-16T10:01:00.005-04:00

Today we're going to talk about the best ways to deal with a firstborn. The great doctor Alfred Adler came up with the idea of birth order theory a long time ago! Before we get started I have a confession to make; I'm a firstborn myself. Well actually that's not true. I'm some kind of hybrid. I have an older sister and three younger brothers, so technically I'm somewhere between a firstborn and middle child. I'm also adopted. Is this all making sense to you? OK, great. Let's get started on how to deal with a firstborn:

1) Don't Deal With a Firstborn

The best way to deal with a firstborn is not to deal with a firstborn. You see, firstborns are very hard to deal with. Did I say that already? Avoiding a firstborn altogether will increase your chances of dealing with a firstborn successfully. I would recommend this route unless you are forced to deal with a firstborn. Is this all making sense to you? If not perhaps you should read this paragraph again and take notes.

2) Make Them Think It's Their Idea

Firstborns only do what firstborns want to do, so you can never "convince" them to do anything. Instead, you must make them think every idea is theirs. Let me give you a scenario. We will use the name "Jason" for my imaginary firstborn friend. In this scenario I want to go out to eat with Jason. Here is how it typically goes:

THE COUNT
Hey there Jason! How's life today? So I was thinking, let's go out to Burger King.

JASON
Na, I'm too Busy. Why would you want to go to Burger King anyway? That place sucks and it's unhealthy, You know, you're always eating unhealthy. (Jason then decides to go to McDonald's for dinner).

OK so that didn't work too well. You see, it wasn't Jason's idea, and therefore he rejected it. In many cases Jason will end up picking a very similar place to eat out (but it does have to be different). That way he can come up with 500 excuses for why he chose McDonald's over Burger King. It's not that Jason doesn't want to go out to eat; it's just that he will only do something if it's his idea. While the following solution will not get exactly what you want in most cases, it works much better.

THE COUNT
Hey there Jason! How's life today? I'm pretty hungry, but not sure I feel like doing anything. (walks away as if defeated)

JASON
Hey let's go to Burger King!

THE COUNT
Well, OK. I'll get ready.

This worked much better as you can see. You hint that you are hungry, but then "change your mind" as if it's too much work. This gives Jason the opportunity to make it "his idea". Firstborns LOVE when something is their idea, so 90% of the time it will work. He will gladly jump into the conversation and make a suggestion on where you should go to eat. If you're lucky, it might even be the place you wanted to go!

3) Use a Firstborn's Ego Against Them

Firstborns have enormous egos which require constant maintenance. This is why they are always blabbering on about how great they are. You can use this against them. Public appearances are usually very important to firstborns, so if you manage to make any situation public, they will go from being stubborn to doing what looks best in the public eye.

This method isn't foolproof however. Realize that firstborns are also very manipulative and cunning, and will gladly lie to get their way. If they can sway the public in their direction, it will give them a massive ego boost and you can be sure they will not change their mind on a subject or comply. Firstborns like to use tactics such as leaving out crucial facts detrimental to their cause, or exaggerating facts that make them look good ten-fold.

4) Go Along With The Firstborn and Hope They Lead You To Victory

Giving up is always an option. Fighting a firstborn is extremely stressful and in many cases futile. By just going along with them, they will consider you an ally (in SOME sense) and perhaps treat you better in the long run. Just hope that they have good intentions, or you could be in for a big surprise!

5) Find Another Firstborn to Fight the Firstborn

If you're lucky maybe you can find a more alpha firstborn to battle the bad firstborn! That way you can stay out of the way and let them battle it out! It could end in many different ways. What's certain is that it will either be highly amusing or will make you fall asleep. Just remember that even if one firstborn wins, the other firstborn doesn't lose, because a firstborn never loses inside their own head.

6) Get The Firstborn Drunk

It works on women, so why not try it on a firstborn? They are sure to go into excruciating detail about the many failures in their life they have been covering up for the last decade. Luckily, alcohol works on everyone!

7) Find a NICE Firstborn

Not all firstborns are evil. In fact I have some very good firstborn friends! However, in life I am sure you will experience the bad firstborn someday, whether it's at work or in your personal life. Just remember that these types of firstborns can be very difficult to deal with, and they don't play life by the same rules that you do. Good Luck!

Writing Subjects My Friend Came Up With..

2010-03-16T09:14:00.007-04:00

As a Blogger, you're always looking for more subjects to write about. Therefore I enlisted the help of my good friend "The Wench", who provided me with some outstanding writing topics. Instead of actually making a post about these subjects, I would like to talk about why I WON'T be writing about them.

1) Hoarders

OK I don't care about the stupid show and I have absolutely no fascination with people who are "afraid to throw something away". I don't know what the big deal is. I see this nonsense on Facebook and Myspace advertised on the home page like it's the "BIGGEST THING EVER!" Is this what the world is reduced to nowadays? We've solved all other problems, so let's have a popular show about people who store junk.

2) Tasty Recipes

The Wench gave me this topic, but what she doesn't realize is that I'm about as good of a cook as I am a singer. Yes I made a pot-pie and yes I even managed to make chili. Oh wait, that's the easiest thing on the planet to make and I used a MICROWAVE COVER to drain the ground beef. Brilliant!

I think it's safe to say I won't have my own cooking show anytime soon. Besides I can't stand those cooking shows. They always have some pompous dude yelling out catchphrases while he's throwing more spices in the food. Plus the ingredients are all neatly prepared hours before the show starts, making the whole cooking process look so easy. Then you get home and chopping up an onion takes longer than the length of the entire show!

3) People Addicted to Facebook Apps

Since I already wrote a few articles slamming Facebook for being worthless, I don't think this is necessary. Honestly I just don't care about people who play Gang Wars and Farm Universe or whatever it's called. Yes I don't care about the people themselves, who are "too good" to reply to an actual message from another human being. If you're going to play a game, at least play a good one! This one is even better! OK in all honestly I never played any of those Facebook games but I'm too angry to care.

4) Shaky Leg Syndrome

OH that's real funny Wench! She thinks that because I have "shaky leg syndrome" I should talk about it. Well first of all I have no such thing! Just because the table is rocking back and forth like a pirate ship doesn't mean I have something wrong with my leg! People don't even believe depression or ADHD exists, so how are you going to convince them that that "shaky leg syndrome" exists?? Even if I do have "shaky leg syndrome", why should I admit it when I can blame the table shaking on somebody else, like my friend's wife? It's so much more entertaining.

5) Addicted to Lost

We're ALL addicted to Lost, but what am I supposed to write about that? Can we even call it an addiction? Doesn't an addiction require regular use of a substance? Because Lost only comes on once every 5 years or so. Perhaps people are just addicted to the idea of Lost actually coming on! Or maybe they're addicted to figuring out the 1000 or so subplots in Lost, all of which have been long lost over the last decade. How many main characters does that show even have? Do dead people count?

6) The Weather and its Effects on People

The Weather! What am I supposed to say about that? Rain makes people miserable, Snow makes people miserable, and Hail makes people really miserable. The only exceptions are rednecks with big trucks and auto repair shops. What's more important than the weather is people's effects on people. People make other people miserable, and then make themselves miserable. Does that make sense?

7) When To Use The Words "Effect" or "Affect"

That's a GREAT question to ask Wench, and at just the right time too. I was forced to look it up in an attempt not to look like a dumb-ass in my blog! For all you kiddies out there, listen up, because Professor The Count is going to teach you a lesson today. Go to this here webpage. You can thank me later. I just hope I used it correctly in this post. Now where's my expert consultant fee?

8) What Does Your Favorite Candy Bar Say About You?

WOW this actually inspired me to write this here article. The Wench has either gone insane, or is really messing with me on this one. However, I will entertain the subject, as it is rather interesting once you get by the "retardedness" of it.

I believe if you like any candy, you must be a male, specifically a middle-child or last-born. If you only like very specific kinds of candy, you are either a firstborn, a female, or both. If you don't like ANY candy, then you must be a vegetarian from California. Does that explain it well enough for you?

Why Are Grocery Stores Unorganized and Depressing?

2010-03-14T06:17:00.005-04:00

It seems like every time I visit a grocery store these days I encounter what appears to be a war-zone instead of a business trying to sell me goods. I'm talking about the employees and managers. It's like they are blindsided by the regular everyday activity of people shopping in their store and attempting to checkout.

The first fun experience is finding a parking spot, and attempting to avoid the 50 shopping carts scattered all around the parking lot. I'm sure the grocery store is trying to "save money during these rough economic times", and therefore doesn't bother hiring somebody full-time to organized the carts.

On the way into the grocery store there's almost always something blocking my path; employees having a smoke break and ranting about their miserable lives, shopping carts, or even the grocery store version of a Zamboni which is usually "broken-down" and being repaired by somebody who doesn't speak English.

Once inside I attempt to roll my cart down all the aisles I wish to browse, which is apparently a huge surprise to the senior citizens and employees completely blocking the aisles with boxes and carts. I roll up to them and they pretend they can't see me and continue their activities. I continue to stand there and they finally realize I'm not going away. Then they give me a look as if to say "what are you doing with that cart idiot!" I pass by and hear them sigh behind me since their day is now ruined.

For some reason employees in grocery stores are notoriously miserable all the time, as if God himself enslaved and forced them to work at Walmart on night-shift. Perhaps the world is truly that miserable, but I for one will drink enough energy beverage to pretend it's a paradise.

Next I go to vegetable world and of course there are no bags left to put the vegetables in, even though the store is practically deserted. Instead the employees are wasting time with that Zamboni trying to polish the floor to perfection. Hey guess what?! I don't care about the floor looking like an Olympic Skating Rink! I want to buy stuff dammit!

Finally it's time to leave the store and I approach the self-checkouts, since that's always the only thing open at night apparently. Nearby employees run for the hills to avoid assisting me. The last employee is forced to stick around and they look like a deer caught in headlights. I attempt to process my cart full of stuff, and the self-checkout does not cooperate. It wants me to put items back on the scanner... no put them on the scale.. no put them into a bag. OK it's in the bag stupid scanner. Oh wait now it says I need assistance.

The employee manning the "assistance station" pretends not to hear it for a while, as if the problem will resolve itself, then finally snickers and comes over. Apparently they've never used a computer before because they stand there and punch buttons like a caveman and say words like "interesting". Finally, they call a manager who is probably out on a smoke break as well. 5 minutes later the manager shows up and fixes the problem in two seconds, and laughs as if he should get an award for being efficient. Of course he doesn't show the incompetent employee how to fix the problem for the next suffering customer.

I leave the grocery store but.. Oh wait this entrance is closed now. I go to the other side of the grocery store and leave through the "main entrance" and roam to my vehicle. Apparently I'm the only person that day who puts their cart into the cart area instead of just kicking it down the road. Ah, the pleasures of everyday life.

Fun With Google Product Search

2010-03-13T00:11:00.005-05:00

I'm always looking for entertainment in life, and Google Product Search is a great way to entertain yourself. It gives you insight into what people are searching to buy on the internet. I like to refresh it and laugh at all the retarded junk people spend money on.

Let's start off with the an item no respectable human should be without: A Grappling Hook. Since I'm fairly certain that Navy SEALS aren't buying their equipment on Google Product Search, that leaves the rest of you clowns! Now what are you people going to do with a grappling hook?! What is this, Die Hard 5?

With that out of the way, let's move on to Hulk Smash Hands. You know, 10 years ago when I worked in a toy store, I used to put the Hulk smash hands on and take people down! Shoplifters, employees, and even mall security guards felt the wrath of my ultimate green power! Of course that was a decade ago. Too bad I didn't come up with that product idea because if people are still buying them the inventor must be banking.

For those of you who are a bit "retro", don't forget to pick up a sundial on the net, because all the coolest people use them to tell the time. Who needs a Rolex when you can have a solid brass sundial that weighs 20 pounds?

If you're trying to make a BIG fashion statement, there's no better way than to purchase a Chef's Hat. Be the life of the party with a fashion accessory so unique and cool, Brad Pitt himself would be jealous. Even better, you could purchase a Personalized Chef Hat and get your name printed on it. What do you think, should I go with "C-Dawg"?

If that doesn't impress you, perhaps you can buy an "Explosive-Proof Refrigerator", for the low price of just $5000. I don't know WHAT that's used for but it sounds pretty bad-ass. Who wouldn't want to brag to their friends about having an explosive-proof refrigerator?

Let's move on to my personal favorite, the Megaphone. It's a great way to communicate with people who have less than adequate hearing, such as high school kids. Why wait in traffic when you can turn on the authentic siren and pass everybody? Just be careful around police, who may not appreciate your impersonation attempt.

Looking to become the next world-news sensation? Get yourself a Green Laser Pointer, and the power to blind airplane pilots 5 miles up will be yours! The newest green laser pointers have a range of hundreds of miles, making this task easier than ever! Don't forget to Tweet about your activity in excruciating detail so that the FBI can easily track you down. You don't even need kids or a giant balloon to pull this off!

To quench the "corny" inside of you, it's always a smart decision to purchase an Accordion. What better instrument could you possibly pick to get attention from all the ladies? Most rock stars start their careers with an accordion. Didn't you know that?

Last but not least, we have the Mickey Mouse Toaster. What a brilliant idea! Let's give a device that could burn the hell out of you and probably electrocute you a Disney theme! How about they invent a "Barney Stun Gun" while they're at it?!

10 Things To Hate About Facebook

2010-03-12T10:46:00.098-05:00

If you read one of my previous posts, you already know how much I love social sites like Myspace and Facebook. Well today we will go over 10 things to hate about Facebook!

1) Stupid Groups

Here's the big obvious one. Somebody over at Facebook thought having groups would be a good idea, and in theory it's true. The possibilities are endless! Local groups, singles groups, hobby groups, etc. However, the implementation went.. Well, different than they probably imagined.

I think the first retarded group that got my attention was "I'm going to watch the movie 2012 in 2014 and laugh". I mean seriously. Oh, then somebody figured out how to transfer email spam over to Facebook. Remember the days when you would get an email like this: "Little Timmy can't get a liver transplant until 5 billion of you people forward this to all your friends, and you'll have good luck for the rest of your life bla bla bla". Only on Facebook it's "Join this here group and captain buckwheat will name his firstborn child Megatron." Wow!

2) "Facebook isn't for socializing"

While it's possible this applies to only me, somehow I doubt it. People like to use Facebook for all sorts of things (mostly superficial), but they won't even reply to a message. Whether on their wall or a personal message, it just seems like Facebookers are more concerned with leveling up in their gang-wars game. The younger people are even worse! It's like going to a bar and playing with the poker machine all night instead of talking to people.

3) Let's All Use The "Siblings" Section to Put More Friends

Oh yeah people let's not use Siblings to put our actual brothers and sisters. Instead we will turn it into a "mega-friend tab" and just throw like 20-30 people in there for no reason. Remember everyone "it's cool" to not use something the way it was intended.

4) Tagging People in Phony Pictures

Since college failures and high school punks only have 1000+ pictures of themselves, they are forced to improvise and tag everyone in all sorts of "creative" ways. How about a giant image full of phrases like "the funny guy" and "drama queen". Let's just tag people in these pictures to show how much we care, then when others look through their pictures, they have to endure tons of spam images where somebody is tagged as a phrase. Woot!

5) Single Mothers

Single mothers and new mothers want the ENTIRE WORLD to know how awesome their kids are, by posting no less than 5000 pictures of them. They usually avoid posting pictures of themselves, and even use their kids pictures for their own profile! Argggh! The worst thing is in many cases the single mothers are the best looking, so who wants to look through 500 pics of their kids? I wonder if people are seriously that full of themselves that they think every moment of their kid's life must be on film for the world to see??

6) Really, Really Bad Applications

While Facebook owns Myspace pretty hard, the apps are horrendous. Most of them get obscenely low ratings such as one or two stars, and serve no better purpose than to spam everyone with ads and website links. Applications are all viral on Facebook. Once one person is tricked into installing it, they are encouraged to send it to all their friends in return for crappy little bonuses.

Hmmm, it kind of reminds me of dating sites! Have everyone go through the free signing up part, and then make them think there are tons of active users, when really they're just other people going through the free stage. When you finally get suckered into paying, most of the profiles are ghosts! Nice!

7) Birthdays

Facebook reminds you of people's birthdays, which is REALLY annoying. Especially for us users who log in every day. We have no excuse to miss somebody's birthday when it comes up on the homepage all the time. I am then forced to go buy the person a Subway gift card so that they can "eat smart".

8) Facebook Loves to Remind You That You're Single

From Valentines day to just the plain old "Relationship Status", Facebook is always thinking of ways to remind you that you're single. There are also plenty of worthless applications that try to exploit your singleness to get you to install them. Once you sign up, you'll quickly realize how well online dating works. This isn't the 1990s anymore!

9) Lack of Music Support

If you visit social sites from other countries (like Vkontakte in Russia), you'll quickly realize how bad Facebook fails when it comes to music and media. This is of course because of our wonderful friends in the music industry, who make it practically impossible to hear a song without jumping through their idiotic hoops. Instead, we're blessed with games that let you manage a virtual farm. I'm sure the Russians are jealous!

10. Friend "Suggestions"

The best part of signing into Facebook is getting all kinds of "recommendations" on friends you should add, based on their proximity to your other friends. This is a lot of fun, especially when it starts suggesting I add friends from China and the Philippines. I'm not sure how the hell some of these people get suggested. Some of them aren't even in English! Click them away and they come back the next time you refresh the page or sign in!

So I Was Uploading Music To YouTube..

2010-03-12T10:37:00.000-05:00

A few days ago I came up with the brilliant plan of making "fake" rap videos using a cartoon called "Beast Wars: Transformers" from the 90's, and some of my favorite rap songs. I would then upload these priceless videos to YouTube for millions of awestruck spectators to enjoy!

Only one problem; it seems that YouTube isn't in the business of hosting videos OR music anymore, unless it was made in your garage. Here in the "land of the free", it's now impossible to upload almost any song to YouTube, as background music for any video. Thanks to a new technology that probably cost millions to develop, YouTube and other similar sites now flag pretty much all copyrighted content, then delete your videos, mute them, or block them in certain countries.

In order for me to upload my videos, I was forced to change the pitch of the songs (ruin them) until they sounded like they were being played underwater. You just have to laugh at the resources some companies or even countries will put into such a worthless cause. Until people learn how to load their iPod up with songs from YouTube, I think the music industry needs to get their heads out of their asses and realize that it's free advertising! Some of them have already done this, but YouTube these days is still a disaster. I would say at least 10% of my 200 favorites have been deleted thanks to this wonderful new copyright system.

I know plenty of people who stopped buying music when iTunes came around and you could only download DRM protected music. That was the wonderful (5+ year?) stretch where your iTunes collection was locked down so that you couldn't do anything with your music. Finally a year or two ago iTunes removed the DRM nonsense, and I know that's when I started buying music on iTunes again. At least until they decided to change to that shady price scheme last year.

This latest YouTube bullshit inspires me to once again cease purchasing music from iTunes and anywhere. Of course I would *cough* never condone music piracy. The music industry just keep screwing themselves over by playing this hardball game.. Suing individual people? How pathetic will they get? What was that latest case with the single mother who was ordered to pay ($50 million???) LOL, wow sometimes you have to love this country and the crap corporations and the government get away with..

Sleeping During The Day: Top 10 Reasons to be Nocturnal

2010-03-09T03:39:00.005-05:00

People are always reminding me that it's "normal" to sleep at night and be active during the day, but why focus on that? Today we will talk about the Top 10 reasons to be nocturnal!

1) Everything Looks Better

This principal doesn't just apply to sleeping with unattractive women. Everything looks better at night! Dust, dirt, and just plain bad looks are all minimized by a lack of light. Car dirty? No problem, just go grocery shopping at night! In fact..

2) Go Grocery Shopping at Night!

Sick and tired of the Walmart daytime crowds? No issue here fellow humans! Just visit your favorite grocery store at night. Ensure that it either has self-checkout aisles or adequate staffing to accommodate you. As an experienced nocturnahuman, I can give you good advice on this.

Places like Walmart often have even worse lines at night since they only have one register open. However, if you can find a place with enough registers open, nighttime will still be far better! Also watch out for the people who do their heavy duty shopping at night!

3) Enjoy the Wonderful Serenity of Darkness

Daytime is full of all kinds of nasty things. Lawnmowers, bees, lumberjacks and UPS trucks can all ruin your day with noise and racket. This is why you should invest in soundproofing and light-proofing your home or apartment.

At night you can read, write, browse the internet, or play war-games without all the daytime racket. Tape all your favorite shows and watch them without the commercials at night, while everyone else is having nightmares about the Geico lizard.

4) No Sunglasses, Glare, or Traffic!

Driving around has never been so easy! With the absence of light you don't require fashionably incorrect sunglasses, and you don't have to worry about visors to block out the harsh UV rays that are turning you into a prune.

Traffic is not an issue since everyone is asleep, so you have the roads to yourself. Go as fast as you like! Just watch out for deer and firstborn police officers. Personally, I like to use the cruise control and drive an unsuspecting budget vehicle to avoid confrontations with the boys in blue.

5) Avoid Awkward Social Events

The next time you are invited to an awkward social event, guess what? "You're on night shift". Amaze people by telling them about your important "government computer job" and rant about how hard it is to maintain such a hectic lifestyle. Make sure you tell them about your "10% differential pay" for working nights!

6) Become The Neighborhood Horror Story

Nothing scares people more than a mysterious man roaming around the neighborhood at night. Become a local legend! I would suggest taking long walks through parking lots and hovering around expensive vehicles. To enhance the experience hoist a shovel or axe over your shoulder while exploring the area.

7) Avoid Potential Lovers

Nothing is worse than becoming a victim to the crime know as a "relationship". Keep your hard-earned money and avoid unnecessary drama by staying single. There is no better way to stay single than being nocturnal. Unless you live in a city of course. In that case I would recommend never leaving your residence unless absolutely necessary. If engaged by the opposite sex with eye-contact, remember to look at your watch and whistle loudly while walking by.

8) Save Money on your Cell Phone Minutes

Everyone wants to save money on their phone bill. I can tell you from personal experience that being nocturnal is the solution! Who are you going to call at 2am on your phone? Nobody, unless your friends are all nocturnal as well. All the people who call you during the day will be forced to leave voice-mail messages, and this will filter out the jive-turkeys.

9) Get a Night Shift Job

I wouldn't recommend getting a job unless absolutely necessary.. However if you must, getting a night shift job can be lucrative. The pay and demand is often higher, making it easier to find and keep a night shift job.

By far the BEST part of working a night shift job is driving home in the morning. You get to laugh your ass off at all the miserable people driving to work during rush hour, as you drive towards your comfy home. Soon you will be asleep, and they will just be starting their drawn-out shift at Burger King.

10) Avoid "Important" People at Work

If you did get a night shift job, you will soon see the biggest benefit of all; avoiding so called "important" people such as managers and owners at your company. Typically, these "important" people like to have socially commendable lives, which consist of working 9-5 Monday-Friday, having a giant family, three divorces, and a Blackberry.

Managers are so concerned about their public appearances that they wouldn't be caught dead rolling into work in the middle of the night. That would suggest that they have marital or financial issues, or are just plain psychotic. So enjoy your peaceful shift at work by playing online flash games, sleeping, or leaving work to go do something more entertaining until the morning comes around.