Funny stuff

Diary of a BMW driver

2009-11-05T00:39:00.000-08:00

This is an extract from the diary of a BMW driver:

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.) Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. (Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?)

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and cruising along at 110mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW!"

How to describe your golf shot

2009-10-26T03:16:00.000-07:00

How to describe your golf shot:-

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker
An Arthur Scargill - great strike but a poor result
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson- somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel very good
An elephant's arsehole - it's high; and it stinks
A sister-in-law - I'm up there, but I know I shouldn't be
A Sally Gunnell - it's ugly but it's still running
A Kate Moss - thinned it
An IRA shot - hitting a provisional
A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole
A Diego Maradonna - nasty five footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems
Putting like a gynecologist's assistant - shaving the hole
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water
A Marilyn Monroe - a fair crack up the middle (aka "A Blondie")
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Robin Cook - just died on the hill
A Michael Jackson - gradually fading
An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
A Tony Blair - too much spin
A Bin Laden - driven out, never to be found again
Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you can't

Why did the chicken cross the road?

2009-04-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

Why did the chicken cross the road?

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN
His was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

Why dogs bite people

2009-04-09T09:25:00.000-07:00

True stories from Emergency Rooms in the USA

2009-02-14T01:27:00.000-08:00

Not for the squeamish...these are all true stories from Emergency Rooms in the USA:

FEMALE SOFA
A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.
eeewwwww.....

PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH!
In Michigan a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had '...a
rat in her privates...' which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an
examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

PING PONG ANYONE? -----
A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened, (no sh*t Sherlock)! causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy we live sheltered lives!)

BLIND DRUNK-----
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! -----
A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

And you thought YOU were having a bad day!

The laws of ultimate reality

2009-01-03T10:51:00.000-08:00

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Pet diaries

2008-12-10T10:13:00.000-08:00

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:

* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite
thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .

Genuine answers on TV/radio quiz programs

2008-10-23T23:50:00.000-07:00

Apparently these are real answers from British TV/radio quiz programs.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What's the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the
Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

BEACON RADIO, (Wolverhampton)
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

GWR FM, (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

LINCOLNSHIRE FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Q: What is the world's largest continent?
A: The Pacific

RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))
Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Presenter: He makes bread. . .
Contestant: Err...
Presenter: He makes cakes . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

BREAKFAST SHOW (RADIO 1)
Chris Moyles: Which 's' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm. . .
Moyles: It begins with 's' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ?
Contestant: Jelly.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'j' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?

QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with T.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, (pause) Doctor.

BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.

TALKSPORT
Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have?
Caller: Two.
Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab...?
Caller: Five.

MAGIC 52 (NORTH-EAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm...
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?

FAMILY FORTUNES.
Presenter : Name a bird with a long neck?
Contestant : Naomi Campbell

Presenter : Name a dangerous race?
Contestant :The Arabs

Presenter : Name something that's red?
Contestant : My Nan's Cardigan

Maths tests for schools

2008-10-04T12:12:00.000-07:00

A: MATHS TEST FOR STATE SCHOOLS

Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name_________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is £40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's £500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackhead wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got £350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends £33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?

B: MATHS TEST FOR 'PUBLIC' (IE., PRIVATE) SCHOOLS

Name________________________________
_____________________________________
_____________________________________
_____________________________________
_____________________________________
(If necessary please continue on a separate sheet)
Prep School _______________________________________________
Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutantes, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce and Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?

Chinese restaurant suffers translation error

2008-08-04T13:44:00.000-07:00

In order to cater for English-speaking visitors, a restaurant in China recently ran its name through an online translator.

They then took the result, and mounted a large sign displaying the English version of their name: "Translate Server Error"!

Men's and women's dictionaries

2008-07-20T14:10:00.000-07:00

The Man's Dictionary ...

"That's women's work." - REALLY MEANS: "It's dirty, boring, thankless and I wouldn't ask a dog to do it."

"Will you marry me?" - REALLY MEANS: "Both my roommates have f****d off, the sink is full and I'm running out of clean clothes ."

"It's a man thing." - REALLY MEANS: "F*** off, its nothing to do with you."

"Can I help with dinner?" - REALLY MEANS: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain." - REALLY MEANS: "It doesn't involve cooking, washing, cleaning, shoes or hair styles so you wont understand."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." - REALLY MEANS: "I need to get some new batteries for the remote."

"Oh dear, we're going to be late." - REALLY MEANS: "You are allowed to drive over 25mph."

"Take a break Love, you're working too hard." - REALLY MEANS: "I can't hear the TV over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." - REALLY MEANS: "F*** me, are you still talking?"

"Darling, we don't need material things to prove our love." - REALLY MEANS: "I forgot our anniversary again."

It's really a good movie." - REALLY MEANS: "It's got guns, violence, fast cars and naked women."

The Woman's Dictionary...

"Fine" - This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

"Five minutes" - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

"Nothing" - "Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) - This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) - this is NOT permission, either. It means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

"Loud Sigh" - This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!."

"Soft Sigh" - Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

"Oh" - This word, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie). Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

"That's Okay" - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

"Please Do" - This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

"Thanks" - The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."

"Thanks A Lot" - "Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong

Steven Wright quotes

2008-06-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said:

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

George W. Bush quotes

2008-06-14T15:33:00.000-07:00

Some of dubya's finest quotes...

1. "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

2. "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."

3. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
-George W. Bush, Feb. 21, 2001

4. "If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!"
-George W. Bush, Bellevue Community College, Nov. 2, 2000

5. "It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas."
-George W. Bush, Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000

6. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

7. "There's no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it."
-George W. Bush, speaking to Catholic leaders at the White House, Jan. 31, 2001

8. "Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment."
-George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

9. "Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."
-George W. Bush, Dec. 20, 2000

10. "They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."
-George W. Bush

11. "We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.''
-George W. Bush.

12. "I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating."
-George W. Bush

13. "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?"
-George W. Bush

14. "I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."
-George W. Bush

15. "If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow."
-George W. Bush, Jan. 2000

16. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
-George W. Bush

17. "When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there."
-George W. Bush, Jan. 2000

18. "One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected."
-George W. Bush

19. "The great thing about America is everybody should vote."
-George W. Bush

20. "There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead."
-George W. Bush, May 11, 2001

21. "I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them."
-George W. Bush, Dec. 20, 2000

22. "First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country."
-George W. Bush, on the Kyoto accord, April 24, 2001

23. "The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants."
-George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

24. "I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure."
-George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

25. "This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end."
-George W. Bush, April 10, 2001

26. "If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all."
-George W. Bush, May 22, 2001

27. "Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican."
-George W. Bush, declining to take reporters' questions during a photo op with Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, April 21, 2001

28. "But I also made it clear to (Vladimir Putin) that it's important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe."
-George W. Bush, May 1, 2001

Housing complaints

2008-05-26T00:18:00.000-07:00

These are extracts from genuine letters, sent by British housing tenants complaining to the council.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.

3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we cant get BBC2.

Real driving test answers

2008-05-19T14:28:00.000-07:00

The following are a sample of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school:

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably sober up a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "Hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Politics for dummies

2008-04-20T15:11:00.000-07:00

Politics explained with the use of cows...

Socialism: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.

Communism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

Fascism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

Nazism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and shoots you.

Bureaucratism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away.

Traditional Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. You herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

American Corporation: You have 2 cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

A French Corporation: You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Corporation: You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide.

A German Corporation: You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A British Corporation: You have 2 cows. Both are mad.

An Italian Corporation: You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A Russian Corporation: You have 2 cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A Swiss Corporation: You have 5000 cows. None of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Chinese Corporation: You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

An Iraqi Corporation: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you and they bomb your ass. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

Counter Culture: 'Wow, dig it, like there's these 2 cows, man, grazing in the hemp field. You gotta have some of this milk!'

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Fatalist: You have 2 doomed cows...

Hong Kong Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.

An Arkansas Corporation: You have 2 cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

An Indian Corporation: You have 2 cows. You worship them.

An Australian Corporation: You have 2 cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go down the pub to celebrate.

Funny web site addresses

2008-04-17T13:05:00.000-07:00

All of these are companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear - and be misread...

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their web site is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

3. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

4. There's the Italian Power Generator company,
www.powergenitalia.com

5. If you're looking for PC remote access software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com

6. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
www.speedofart.com

Questions from potential Australian tourists

2008-04-16T12:41:00.000-07:00

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q. Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________

Q. Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A. Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________

Q. I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks (Sweden)?

A. Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________

Q. Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A. What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________

Q. Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________

Q. Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A. Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
__________________________________

Q. Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________

Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________

Q. Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A. You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________

Q. Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A. No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________

Q. Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A. Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________

Q. I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A. It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________

Q. I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A. Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________

Q. Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A. Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________

Q. Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A. Only at Christmas.
__________________________________

Q. I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A. Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
__________________________________

Q. Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A. Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Double-entendres from British TV and radio

2008-04-12T11:19:00.000-07:00

Twelve of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV and radio.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is a really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford Crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

The International Council of Man Laws

2008-04-06T12:55:00.000-07:00

The International Council of Man Laws.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360. End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

27: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates.
Furthermore, this is only one of two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with friends in the room, the other being when you are 'spit roasting' a woman.

28: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws

Bizarre and genuine holidaymaker complaints

2008-03-18T14:01:00.000-07:00

According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holidaymakers are just never satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer complaints received by the firm in recent years:

1. On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.

2. The beach was too sandy.

3. I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.

4. It rained on my birthday.

5. Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.

6. I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

7. It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.

8. We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.

9. None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn't taste the same as at home.

10. I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.

What a bunch of retards.

Rules for men and women

2008-02-24T14:02:00.000-08:00

Rules for women

1. Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

7. We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!

8. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

9. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

10. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

11. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

12. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

13. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

14. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!

15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

16. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

26. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

27. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

28. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

29. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.

Rules for men

1. Call.

2. Don't lie.

3. Never tape any of her body parts together.

4. If a guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

5. If a guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.

6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."

7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"

8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.

9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.

10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.

12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.

13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.

15. Her cooking is excellent.

16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

17. Soap is your friend.

18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.

19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.

21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"

22. Two words: clean socks.

23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.

24. Burping is not sexy.

25. You're wrong.

26. You're sorry.

27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.

28. Ditto for your discourse on football.

29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.

30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.

31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.

32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.

33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.

34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.

35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.

36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.

37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.

38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.

39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.

40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.

41. Always, always suck up to her brother.

42. Think boxers.

43. Silk boxers.

44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.

45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.

46. Her haircut is never bad.

47. Don't let your friends pick on her.

48. Call.

49. Don't lie.

50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

If men wrote problem pages

2008-02-16T01:18:00.000-08:00

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you, he can only settle for the next best thing — your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too!). Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

If Valentine's Day cards were more truthful

2008-02-12T12:19:00.000-08:00

Source

1978 vs. 2008

2008-01-23T10:14:00.000-08:00

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1978 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up as friends.

2008 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobile phones with video of the fight are confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended, even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings are conducted. The video is shown on six internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1978 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given six of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his dad gives him the slipper.

1978 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.

1978 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2008 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohamed fails high school English.

1978 - Mohamed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2008 - Mohamed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohamed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1978 - Ants die.

2008 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1978 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.