The May or May Not Have Mom

porch woes

2019-10-09T09:30:00.000-06:00

I sit in carline every day for about an hour. Could I come later? Sure. Could I spring from 3 streets over with a toddler in a shitty diaper to get to school by the time the bell rang like I may or may not have done once or twice? Sure. I could do that too, but I prefer the take an hour to listen to Barbie: Secret Door for the 432nd time and play on my phone. I can take a vacation whenever I want to and you can’t stop me. Also, something about being at home - I can’t relax. I can sleep and I can work, but I can’t just sit. In carline, I HAVE to sit AND I can write. Don’t mind if I do.

Some of you might have seen the picture on Facebook, but the other day we received a surprise when we went to the front porch. Apparently if milk is given the opportunity to get really hot- like Colorado in September directly under the mountain sun hot, the milk separates and the dinky little milk top is no match for the gasses that build up. The top of that milk jug went up like star link and my front porch looked like somebody fed a kettle of hawks Taco Bell and directed them to the facilities on our front porch as the only suitable landing zone for their doo doo butter. We weren’t lucky enough for that though. I’m nearly positive that scenario would have been less aromatically assaulting. Instead of doing literally anything else, I spent the heat of that afternoon on my hands and knees with a steel brush scrubbing coagulated 2% off my porch, siding, brick, rocking chairs and ego.

I also had to empty the 2 curd jugs and put them back in the box because we had to return them. In hindsight, I doubt seriously Jerry would have ever given me an ounce of guilt if I had put on my hazmat suit and tossed those bitches into the outside garbage can. But, I didn’t do that. By God’s grace alone, I hesitated before I took the not exploded milk jug into the house to clean it. I turned back and opened it on the front lawn. Have you ever done the mentos experiment? If not, google it. I got about .0001 mm of the plastic fastener off the jug before chunky milk shot up like old yeller raining down whey in the wind.

Globs of milk in my hair. Globs of milk on my clothes. Globs of milk in the roof. Globs of milk everywhere.

It was then that I realized that if my milk box didn’t have a lid, I would have spent my day scraping stalactites off my porch ceiling. Small blessings. 24 hours after the incident and several showers later I could still smell it. It’s now been a month and at least 4 scrubbings and there is still milk splatter paint everywhere.

can’t stop. won’t stop.

2019-10-08T14:42:00.001-06:00

I spent my entire day cleaning and now I’m sitting in car line for the next 48 minutes— like I ain’t have nothing better I could be doing with my life. I mean. I don’t. But, I totally could have something better to do.

While sitting here and being a super creeper staring at folks, I saw a lady walk by like she was trying to make the qualifier round for Olympic race walking. She was holding her baby like a greased football and her 2 older boys were practically sprinting to keep up with her. But. Like. Why did I know exactly what was going through her head? Carry on with your crisco coated potato baby, momma. It gets better eventually.

Lots of things have changed since I last blogged and published. A few people asked me to start a blog, but little did they know I have had one for several years. I won’t dare to try to catch you up on everything, but I will mention that we’ve moved like 18 more times and we have at least 2 more kids. That’s noteworthy.

Update: I’ve needed to pee for 30 minutes, but I’m having to trust my bladder more than I trust a priest right now. Once you’re here you can’t get out of carline to do your business. If I leave, I’ll lose my spot as lead car and if you’re not first, you’re last. 26 more minutes until I can pee... not that I’m counting. I have had too many kids for this.

co to ga day 3574

2014-01-11T22:38:00.001-07:00

where to start? where to start?

I suppose the beginning is as good a place as any.

we were scheduled to be packed out Wednesday and Thursday with our stuff going on a truck Georgia bound on Friday.

Wednesday the movers arrived at a little before 10am and stated they'd be able to complete the packing in one day. we rejoiced. angels sang. and we were mostly really excited that the 5 strange men that came to our house would only be there one day.

I wasn't sure why they arrived at the house so close to 10am when every other time I've ever had movers, you better have donuts and coffee because they are arriving about 45 seconds after you roll out of bed and put on a bra. but I digress.

at 230 on packing day one, I guess they decided they weren't gonna finish so they packed up and left. thanks for that sweet 4.5 hours of work, guys. 1 of those 4.5 hours, I know, they spent hoarking down $50 worth of pizza we ordered for them and smoking. there were a considerable other number of smoke breaks, so I'm thinking they put in roughly somewhere around 45 mins of actual work. but im gonna go out on a limb here and bet they billed unca sugar for 8 hours. day 1 of packing our tv got unhooked and all of our bedding got packed... save 1 comforter, 1 sheet, and 3 pillows about as thick as rice cakes. so we had no entertainment and only enough bedding for 1 bed.

when they left at 3, they said they'd be back a little earlier the next day. I assumed they'd show up the next day with 5 people again. nope. Thursday morning at the ripe ole hour of 930, two lone packers arrived at my house. they were as nice as they could be and worked hard from 930 to 545. a definite plus. I thought things were looking up for this move for sure as they rolled out of town in their penske truck chariot.

and then Friday happened.

I might mention that 4 3/4 people sleeping in a queen bed is about as conducive to sleeping as trying to catch a few winks at a black sabbath concert. the 3rd time I got a foot to the face I got up and headed to the couch. c followed. so rather than sleep in the queen bed with daddy j, j, c, and me, I slept on a couch with c. way better. or not.

Friday morning, daddy j had to outprocess and left me at the house to wait for the truck driver who would arrive between 9 and 10. so, I waited. and waited. at 930 daddy j called me and told me that the truck driver had been shut down for the day and that he wouldn't be arriving until tomorrow. say what?

I'll spare you the details here but I called the coordinator at the trucking company and tried to be like Paul Harvey and figure out the rest of the story. after a game of phone tag hither, thither, and yon, it was determined that the truck driver was 6 hours away. so I was super stoked he realized he was 6 hours away 30 minutes AFTER he was due to arrive at my house. I'm no logistics expert, but I'm guessing he knew he was 6 hours away before he was 30 min late. bad news isn't wine. it doesn't improve with age, folks.

so after a bit of crying, I decided if call my liaison on the army end. he was super nice and i was super nice. I explained the situation to him and told him that if the driver was really shut down for weather, i understand. however, finding out at 930 that he was 6 hours away seemed like his timeline had more holes than Swiss cheese. and I bet he had some wine with his cheese the night before. or maybe a little too much wine. or maybe a whiskey on the rocks party in his tummy. the liaison agreed. they actually have us $100 towards a hotel and meals for our inconvenience... which to a 36 week pregnant lady who'd slept on the couch with a toddler for 2 nights was a mighty fine and appreciated gesture.

we ate out for supper, went and got bathing suits for the kids (since I forgot to pack some), swam a little at the hotel, and slept. started today with a fresh, happy attitude.

today the driver was supposed to arrive between 8 and 9. he rolled up to casa Drew at 856 and when he got done playing mrs. packman with his truck all up and down our street and finally parked it was about 915. he was alone with no help in sight. thankfully they showed up a few minutes later because I was getting the truck packed today and I had no plans of hulking up and down the stairs with boxes.

as soon as we got in the house and downstairs the driver said "how much weight are you allowed". I answered. he responded "nope... you're going over that" which made me think that he was purely asking to find out how many bricks of cocaine he needed to load on his truck to make sure we had to pay $ for our shipment as payback for complaining about him the day before.

the rest of the packing/loading day went smoothly. except, the driver said we'd be done at 2pm and we were done at 445pm. close-ish. one problem here that will present itself later is mostly all of our furniture is exactly the same color and they made no denotation of which beds rails came off of or which furniture pieces came off of-so that should be fun to sort out later.

the movers finally left at 445 and we were gonna head out to Raton, New Mexico for the night but we couldn't find one of our cats. we got to spend the next hour canvassing the neighborhood only to find her behind one of the drawers in the basement.

finally! we could leave!

I cried like a baby leaving the house. we had so many memories in that house. I think daddy j may have taped me crying talking to j which will need to be destroyed later but that's a task for another day.

we finally got on the road at 6pm. the van was driving horribly with the tow dolly and the car behind us. we couldn't figure out what was wrong, but we made it to the nearest major cross street from our house before we realized that our towed car's tires were smoking. in our haste to leave Colorado, we had not put the car in neutral or taken off the parking break. so cheers to that. daddy j got to jump out at the traffic light and fix that while getting honked at constantly by someone who was really desperate to make a u-turn-- probably in an effort to make it to the marijuana dispensary before they closer for the weekend. so thanks for all that honking, Coloradan.

next up we needed to stop by daddy j's office building to have his leave form signed. he let the non-runaway cat out to go pee at which time the cat did pee... on him. just another feather in our cap.

we finally got on the road for real, for real at 645. we made it 1.5 hours before we decided to call it quits for tonight. we stopped at a best western in "the next town we see" and are now laying in our beds in the hottest hotel room on the planet.

the heater is currently set to "off" but is running full blast. the room also comes equipped with a lovely window unit that's running on high as low temperature wise as it can go annnnd the window is open. yet, we are still slow roasting in a human oven for the low low price of $120 a night. what a bargain!

im just hoping that I can cool off enough to fall asleep and praying that tomorrow is a better day.

tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow.

so that's the story. better me than you, eh? :)

screw santa claus

2014-01-01T14:33:00.001-07:00

ok. i know that i am really talking about me here since technically i am the one who brought all the toys into the house, but screw santa.

turd

ever since the jolly fat one rolled up into my house on christmas eve with his sack-o-chinese consumerism, there has been a real air of entitlement getting sucked down around here and this mommy is not a fan.

the kids have not been their usual sweet selves. they have been "i wanting" and whining and talking back and just generally having some real B-R-A-T moments. i am appalled. (if you've never called your kid a brat before and are upset with me, i have opened a complaint line: 1-800-idontgiveadamn. call away.)

like i said above, i know that i am santa and, therefore, i take the complete blame for overindulging my kids, but i know for a fact that i am not the only person that has done this. we all want our kids to have everything their little hearts can desire... and even a bunch of stuff they didn't even know they wanted yet. but y'all.

come on. don't we think christmas has gotten a little out of hand?

i am guilty as charged of being the first one to put every single thing my kids do on facebook/instagram/twitter. hell, i'd probably put it on myspace too if that hadn't died somewhere in the first half of the 2000s. on christmas day i saw a bevy of pictures of overflowing christmas trees and piles of presents and happy kid faces. but can we all just be honest for one minute? didn't the novelty wear off somewhere around hour 2 of present opening and the kids were just like "whatevs" and tossing stuff aside. it's ok, you can tell me. and don't we think our kids would have been just as happy with a few presents they really wanted? and lastly, at some point don't we think that presents just for the sake of more, more, more is kinda sorta teaching the wrong thing to our kids? huh? don't cha? don't cha?

well, i do. and i certainly learned my lesson this year. it doesn't help that my son's birthday is 4 days before christmas so he opened literally every single present of his for the entire year in the span of 4 days. dude was rolling deep in discarded wrapping paper ala scrouge mcduck in his money vault. and yet, he didn't think he had gotten enough. #mommyfail. i don't even know really what pound signage is about, but mommy fail deserves one. i'm certain.

i wanted so much for this time to be special for him and c, i lost sight of the real meaning of christmas. there, i admit it. but, i am paying for it dearly now. i just want my sweet kids back.

i usually only make 2 or 3 resolutions a year that i know i will see through and they're usually always the same from year to year. this year, i am making an additional resolution to NOT go overboard with christmas next year. that's a resolution i am really gonna have to concentrate on because i start getting excited about the kids' faces christmas morning about 22 seconds after i pack up the halloween costumes. i will stick to it. i encourage anyone else (i know you are out there) who has been less than pleased with their kids behavior since the man in red popped in to do the same.

why are you winking at me, bro? that just ups your creepy factor.

so i guess it's not really screw santa, but more of a screw this idea of more is better. i mean, i really want santa hanging over my kids' heads all year so they'll act extra nice. however, he needs to keep his bag contents in check and don't come stepping to me with more than about 3 presents per kid next year.

and i'll also mention that it does not help that these kids are running around sugared up little messes from halloween until the last of the christmas cookies are gone. my kids are the type that could eat their one piece of chocolate from their advent calendars and i'd be like "who gave them chocolateeeeeeee!" because they were fully acting like nuts. their sweet little brains misfire on too much (re: any) sugar.

p.s. has anyone ever really had the guts to give their kids a lump of coal when they darn well deserved it? i salute you if you have.

i'm up. you're sleeping. what's new.

2013-12-28T04:01:00.001-07:00

i have been asking myself this question a lot lately : "at what point do you just say eff it and turn on hgtv or an adam levine for proactiv infomercial instead of even bothering to go back to sleep?" tonight's answer is 2.5 hours after tossing and turning. adam levine, i can't wait to see your pimply teen years #tbt pictures for the 5th time this week.

you have stolen all my joy, 15 year old Adam Levine.

i haven't blogged at all since we have been showing the house. life has been crazy and keeping a house reasonably clean 24/7 is a lot harder than it looks. especially when you are elephantesque and running around picking up after two people a 3rd your size but 3x as smart as you are. we've had 6 showings which basically amounts to 2 per week or in other words, just enough time to really get your house good and messy before you have to clean it up again. it's been decided that if our house doesn't sell before we leave, we will just open it up to hobos and squatters and take the tax deduction-- i mean we have to heat the damn thing anyway to keep the pipes from freezing. if we are lucky, maybe a hobo will build a bonfire on our carpet and just burn the place down. i'd be sad to see that fine pool table go, but by then it'll probably be covered in hotdog juice and possibly urine, so it's probably not that much of a loss. or maybe i'll give it until the end of january before i open it up to squatters. decisions. decisions.

as for christmas, we had a wonderful time (even if admittedly j and i were a smidge homesick). it's way more magical to watch your kids open presents from santa than it ever was to be the opener. if the state of my den floor yesterday morning when the realtor called about a showing (to which i responded a whispered "shit") is any indication of the fun that they had on christmas day, then i'd say it was a good one.

they both got bikes this year. they requested them after tooling around goodwill one day like peewee herman on the used ones in the store. what's hilarious to me though, is that in the store when they were trying to escape one very red-faced, angry mommy they were riding around like evil knievel leaping over scary porcelain soulless teddy bears from the 1970s, but the minute we put them on the street in their helmets and appropriate protective gear suddenly they only know how to peddle backwards...aka brake.

i don't think she quite understands that bike means sweet, succulent freeeeeeedddom.

the kids got lots of other things they liked a lot. another big hit was the karaoke machine. i actually have been considering this gift since about july, but couldn't commit unless i found a ibuprofen delivery service. oddly enough that doesn't exist. surprisingly, the kids singing at 8000 decibels and even the disco light show coming off the front doesn't bother me in the least. baby j is a LOUD TALKER anyway, so really karaoke j isn't that much different. the thing that does bother me that i didn't even consider is the awful, awful squealing noise that the kids make when they get too close to the machine with the microphones. it's like edward scissorhands' nails on a chalkboard. j and c are completely oblivious to the noise, which either means a. i was a dog in a former life or b. they both need their hearing checked.

they also got legos this year. i can confirm that any house that contains legos should be osha regulated.

so that's what is happening in our neck of the woods.*

(*i am sorry i stole your catch phrase al roker).

our house

2013-11-21T12:45:00.001-07:00

our house... which is not in the middle of our street, but rather situated nicely at the top of a little hill (great for sledding)!

please share with anyone who you think might be interested, isn't interested but lives in Colorado Springs, doesn't live in Colorado Springs but may live in Colorado Springs sometime and wants a great investment property or heck, share it with someone who might know someone. I'm ok to go all 8 degrees of Kevin bacon on this.

see? not in the middle of our street.

bedroom 1, view 1. you like dinosaurs? I'll totally leave that stuff if it'll sweeten the deal. c'mon, everyone loves a trex.

bedroom 2, view 2

bedroom 2, view 1.

bedroom 2, view 2

laundry room. where you gets your clothes so fresh and so clean, clean. I just went too far right then, huh?

master bedroom, view 1.

master bedroom, view 2

master bedroom, view 3- that door leads to the bathroom.

stand-alone shower. acoustics: great for singing. privacy toilet room aka poop closet to right.

big ole tub. big enough for a 7 month pregnant woman and 2 preschoolers to fit no problem.

double vanity. I only use half of that so basically the other half is brand new.

walk-in closet. you could totally hang up way more stuff if you didn't have a $10 goodwill chest of drawers in there to hold all your Army ~~crap~~ stuff.

den picture 1

den looking into kitchen. that cut out is excellent for keeping and eye on your kids/yelling at them.

another view of the den

and yet another because why not?

looking into the kitchen from the cutout.

kitchen view from eat in area

kitchen looking towards eat-in. you'll note the mini kitchen/ aka "C, GO COOK IN YOUR KITCHEN AND GET AWAY FROM THE HOT STOVE!"

kids' bathroom, view 1

kids' bathroom, view 2. "heeeeyyyy, arm! welcome to the party"

downstairs kitchenette/ in-law coffee preparing area/ popcorn popping area for movie night

playroom

you bet your pool shark backside that pool table stays with the house. see? don't you really want to buy the house now?

there are 2 more bedrooms and 1 more bathroom in the basement that I didn't take pictures of because my battery was at like .002% and why come look at the house if you get all the pictures upfront. you see, I'm a lady of mystery and intrigue.

share it! share it, please!!!

to the future owners of our home

2013-11-19T20:57:00.001-07:00

a friend suggested to me that we write a letter to the prospective buyers of our house. I thought it was a great idea and happily wrote one. this is what I came up with:

p.s. I do appreciate any input/feedback you may have. I want this letter to help us stand out among the crowd.

future owners,

we are the Drews. there are 4 (and a half) of us. we moved to Colorado Springs and this house in 2010 when the Army assigned us here.

we were attracted to this home initially because of the safety of the neighborhood, the layout and the proximity to a grocery store, target, and walmart. and we've grown to appreciate the closeness to several restaurants on the nights when we're just too tired to cook. some of our favorite things now about the house are the master tub/stand alone shower, closeness of our children's rooms to the master, laundry room on the main level, kitchen cut-out to den, and the pool table!

we bought this home in November 2010 from a precious elderly couple who had made the decision to move to a retirement home. when we moved in, I was 4 months pregnant with our now 2.5 year old daughter (who I delivered at St. Francis-- the hospital one street up off of powers) and our son was 11 months old.

during our time in this house, we've celebrated 2 first birthdays, 2 second birthdays, a 3rd birthday and soon a 4th, brought home a beautiful baby girl, endured a year long deployment, enjoyed 3 Christmases, "hiked" the back plain area, rocked babies for endless hours, sledded down the front lawn in winter, watched countless movies in the den, hosted tons of friends, cooked thousands of meals in the kitchen, and, of course, shared so many happy memories.

although we are sad to leave our home for the last 3 years, we are excited about our new adventures- and new addition (another daughter in early February)! it is our hope that you love the home as much as we do. we wish for you that you have many firsts here and even more happy memories than we could imagine.

thank you for taking the time to read this letter. we can't wait for you to make this house your home.

-The Drews

pinched getting on my nerves

2013-11-14T20:09:00.001-07:00

strange things happen to pregnant people, but extra strange things happen to people who have Michelle duggar floppy uteruses and carry 6 weeks ahead.

every pregnancy, starting around 8-9 weeks my back gets all weird and sometimes makes it where my legs won't work right.

the first time it happened this year is when we had a bunch of friends here for 4th of July. I was laying on the floor and j jumped on my legs, which sent my back to a not nice place. I pretty much screamed like the you are not a Christian crazy lady and our very sweet friends took all the kids downstairs while I got pulled up off the floor and, consequently, slung together some language that would get me the lead in any Quentin Tarantino movie.

even though I stay at home, I (up until today) had not had my back get thrown out while I was home alone with the kids.

I've been doing a lot trying to get the house ready for staging. yesterday my back really hurt me, but it wasn't until I got stuck on the toilet and daddy j had to drag/carry me to bed that it started acting up. thankfully the day was done so I went to bed, woke up, and all seemed well today.

this afternoon I moved a few Tupperwares up from the basement and that must have been the straw that broke this elephants back. I sat down on the floor with c and got stuck. completely stuck. my left leg was completely numb and my back was acting a fool.

thankfully, i was still formulating a plan for how to care for the two small children in my charge from the floor when daddy j let me know he was on his way home. I managed to kinda scoot myself on one buttcheek over to the couch to try and use it to pull myself up. no dice.

I informed j and c they had to be on their best behavior because mommy was stuck on the floor. apparently that translates in kindnese to take advantage of the situation because within 60 seconds they had pulled a chair up to the pantry and retrieved down a 2 gallon ziplock bag of candy and were in a sugary free for all. opportunist.

they were kind enough to bring me one piece or so every 6 or 7 they ate themselves. I had about 5 if that gives you any indication of the amount they ate. I appreciate their ingenuity, I didn't particularly a appreciate their sugar high, but what was I to do?

daddy j got home about 35 minutes after my initial realization that I was stuck and came and helped me right up. I figured he appreciated the fact that I was fully dressed unlike the night before with the toilet situation.

I had asked him this morning to go on his lunch break to get me a heating pad. fortuitous. after he scooped me up from the floor, I have the old heating pad a spin around the couch. thankfully it's feeling much better.

I still have 4 closets to clean out tomorrow, so I'm considering grabbing an extension cord and a belt, strapping myself and my heating pad into a rolly chair and Charlie Mike (continue mission). Apparently Colorado weather doesn't care if you only have 5 days to prep for a yard sale, the winter weather comes whenever it wants. Saturday garage sale it is.

school pictures: j edition

2013-11-12T13:25:00.001-07:00

one of my kids is truly a photobug.

this one:

I want to climb into the picture and kiss his face. he's a doll. gah.

j is my little pumpkin. he is just the most laid back (99% of the time) little man. he is friendly and sociable and just all around a great kid. that's not to say c isn't. there is no sweeter child on the planet than c when she is being nice. none. however, when c is in a mood (be it silly, determined, mad, or sad) you'd better saddle up to a cold one because you're gonna need a drink.

the photographer doesn't know my kids from Adam. literally. and somehow this man captured my daily life without having a clue as to who he was dealing with. I think this guy might just be a psychic or genius.

so there you have it. school pictures 2013.

I can't wait to see where m's personality fits in with these two larger than life characters.

school pictures: c edition

2013-11-12T09:39:00.001-07:00

y'all. I cannot take it. cannot.
school pictures were last week. the photog delivered them this morning. he had them stacked with the best individual one on top, the class picture on bottom with two other individual rejects? I think.

this was c's main page:

look at that cutie and cuties...
reject one:

I love her. love her so much.
reject 2: ...wait for it...

OMG! OH MY GAWWWDDD! OH MY GAH. oh my gosh.

she is so my child.

is there an awkward school photos site? if not, this needs to happen.

moms shaming moms

2013-11-04T20:09:00.001-07:00

today at c's ballet class I witnessed mom shaming at it's worst and it's been gnawing at me ever since.

c takes a ballet class for 2 - 4 year olds. when she started she was about 2 years and 1 month old and all knees and no "listening ears." thankfully the teachers were really patient with her and helped her learn the routine inside the classroom. it only took a few lessons for her to catch on and have herself a grand old time.

similarly, c's class got a brand new 2 year old in it last week. last class was their halloween party so sweet little a (we shall call her) was only in class about 10 minutes of actual dancing and off they went to party. she did fine last week, but this week she was a little distracted. I certainly wouldn't say a was being bad, but she was wandering off from the group and kinda doing her own thing. the teacher seemed completely unshaken and would gently remind her to come on back to the group. no.big.deal. a's mom was getting frustrated though as, obviously, everyone wants their kid to behave. she was going to the door and telling a "get back in line" and "be a good listener" but with such a tone that the underlying message was a "GET BACK IN LINE OR I'M FIXING TO TEAR YOUR BOTTOM UP!" a's mom was stressed.

there are about 6 chairs in a row outside the classroom. I was sitting on the far left, a's mom was in the middle, and ahole mom (not to be confused with a's mom) was on the far right.

ahole mom took a's moms meltdown as an opportunity to pat herself on the back but underhandedly insulting a's mom. loudly. for all to hear. ahole mom said "I'm sooooooooooo glad we waited to start e in ballet until she was 3 years old. I just feel like she could listen soooo much better because she was a little older. I'd just die of embarrassment if e was the one causing distractions in class. I'd.just.die" and then she giggled her post-nasal drip little giggle like she was the funniest person on the earth.

hold up, ahole. hoooolllddd up. first of all, you're a bitch. straight up. second of all, I'm pretty sure if it was baby baryshnikov train-ups and they were worried about distractions they wouldn't let 2 year olds in the class. there is a reason they let 2 year olds in with 3 year olds and it's certainly not to distract from your child's obvious auditions for Annie on Broadway that we all didn't know was going on during the same class where 3 year olds are hovering in corners pooping in their pants. get friggin' real. little girl a isn't disturbing, she's being a 2 year old... which incidentally could be your 3 year old just being a 3 year old next week. I may sneak e a pixie stick and some Mountain Dew before class just to ensure it is her kid so she can see what it feels like. so there.

poor a's mom was all "maybe I should have waited til she was a little older" and I said to her "this is only her second class. C was a complete spazz when she started, it takes some getting used to. she'll be great! you totally started her at the right time" in an effort to undo some of the ugly that was spewing from the nasally voiced ahole trying to make her feel bad.

I don't know if I made a difference in a's mom's feelings this morning but I am seriously still appalled at ahole's straight-up mom shaming. she wasn't even trying to hide it. she just let her bitchy all hang out. that's worse than putting glitter on a pimple. bold ahole. bold. it was obvious to anyone with half a brain (which I can neither conform or deny that ahole has) that a's mom was already having a hard time and was upset. why not kick a lady when she is down?

I don't know if you can tell but I got pretty fired up by this whole thing. I do not, can not, won't not understand why moms can't just flipping be supportive of one another. there is no reason why this lady needed to chime in with her two cents. the only purpose of her unsolicited commentary was to make a's mom feel bad. which she already did. talk about rubbing salt in a wound.

can't we moms just freaking support one another?

ahole served herself up a big ole dollop of karma today. I just pray that the target gods have a's mom wheeling around the corner right when ahole is eating the big shit sandwich she fixed herself today and scooping Madame perfect 3 year old up off the floor... you know because magically at 3 they no longer pitch fits, right? if I just so happen to be at target then too, I totally wouldn't mind and I could probably manage to have my iPhone handy for photographic evidence.

but really! can't we support one another? moms are just doing the best they can. I can say that pretty much goes across the board. if you have to be the constant winner of a competition (by putting others down intentionally) that nobody even knew they were participating in, you might need a shrink. if you think it's appropriate to say that anyone else's child's behavior would literally cause you death right in front of their mom, you might need a shrink. if you think it's funny to hurt people's feelings, you need a shrink and Jesus. but definitely get with Jesus first. he doesn't have a copay.

weekend happenings

2013-11-03T12:20:00.001-07:00

I started out the weekend with a sweet 4 hours of sleep on friday night. fortunately... or unfortunately? that's higher than my average sleep a night as of late. the couch is quickly becoming my best friend. my hips sink down into it and I have support for my back. it's just about the only place I can get comfortable anymore. only 3 more months of couch sleeping to go before she gets here. yay?

once i got my caffeine iv, we were up and getting dressed for the Army/Air Force game. it has been 8 years since my last forced Army game attendance and I thought I'd never see the day where I voluntarily spent my time and my money watching Army football take a big steaming dump all over the second half of the game. Yet, somehow, I found myself doing just that yesterday. I should mention that we spent the least amount of money humanly possible on our tickets and, thusly, were seated at the stadium in the Heavens. By my best approximation we were somewhere between Jesus and Mother Theresa at the right hand of the Father. I am certain we climbed at least 67,000 +\- 1000 steps to get to our seats and upon reaching the summit,
I was really hoping to see a paramedic with a supplemental oxygen tank. there were none to be found. they really dropped the ball on that one.

Mother Theresa ran to the bathroom, but I promise you she was up in the Heavens with us.

The kids were more interested in eating than they were watching the game and that suited me just fine because from where we were sitting I had a hard time differentiating between the teams uniforms and I have 20/20 vision. Somewhere between the hot dog and popcorn course of our football field meal, we decided to move down closer to our friends. I told Daddy j that if we got kicked out of the bleachers where they were, we were leaving the game as there is no way I was ascending into the Heavens again without Jesus coming directly down to Earth and offering me an escort.

The game went pretty quick until the 4th quarter when the kids were about half past naptime and Army completely forgot where they were and what they were doing. I signaled to daddy j that I was ready to roll out. the way I see it, i was forced to watch Army lose enough games when I was a cadet... at least then I didn't have to wrestle overtired little humans in addition to watching my alma mater football really embarrass themselves. again.

once we left the game,
we walked around USAFA and headed home to take a nap.

the kids woke up and we were off to ChuckECheese with some friends to celebrate J being potty trained. finally. 100%. I ain't buying diapers no more potty trained. this last leg of the fight has been roughly a month. I just so happened to be buying pull-ups (like taking them off the shelves) when j said he wanted to go to ChuckECheese. I said "oh honey, mommy can't afford to take you to ChuckECheese if she has to buy pull-ups. when mommy doesn't have to buy pull-ups anymore, you can go to ChuckECheese". that was the last pack of pull-ups I've bought for him and they sit unopened in his closet. I guess it just took me a while to figure out his currency.

we had a great time at ChuckECheese with friends. my favorite part of the night is when C hit the jackpot plus bonus on one of those silly kid gambling machines. (I really don't know what else to call it) that she kept stealing tokens to climb up on and play. the machine spit out about 300 tickets at once and c's eyes were as big as saucers. it was the best.

I don't have a problem. I can stop anytime I want.

that's it. I'm taking this kid to Vegas.

after ChuckECheese we ran to the mall to get me a new pair of boots. I have had the same boots since 2005 and had them cobbled 4 times. the last time I had it done they were beyond repair. I wore them anyway until just recently when I wore them to a pumpkin patch and came home with like 3 inches of dirt on my feet. I reluctantly retired them and finally got some new ones. what can I say? I like what I like.

heeeeeelllloooo, lover!

this morning (after 3.5 hours
of sleep) we had family pictures. there is nothing. I repeat nothing more stressful than prepping 4 people for family pictures. the outcome is always worth the trouble but the getting ready is just a straight kick in the lady bits. aside from the fact that j immediately jumped into a big dirty pile of leaves messing himself all up and c busted her lip (she kindly waited til pics were almost over), I think our friend got some good ones. I can't wait to see them and share them with you. im just glad my kids will know what I look like in pictures besides selfies and iPhone pics I snagged random non-English speaking tourists to take where at least one of us is always fuzzy. the international language isn't English or French, it's iPhone.

we're off now to visit my cousin and her husband north of Denver. the cherubs are sleeping in the backseat and life is good. I really can't remember the last time I had this good of a weekend.

trick or treat

2013-10-31T21:15:00.001-06:00

even though daddy j was deployed last year, his Midtour leave fell over halloween and he got to trick or treat with us. I'd have much rather had him home over Christmas or Thanksgiving (closer to his actually MIDtour, but daddy j didn't wanna leave his peeps hanging). oh well, pagan holiday FTW!

since we were in Pennsylvania, it was buttnasty cold, and there aren't exactly a plethora of walking distance neighborhoods, we drove from house to house to people we know. the year before that, we went to boo at the zoo. so, this year was really the first year that the kids had the "true" trick or treat experience.

we got everyone dressed in their costumes (daddy included who was someone from Star Trek. j called him Star Trek all night like Star Trek was a character that dad was playing or something which was pretty hilarious in and off itself)

Star Trek, Indian, Cowboy

we left the house about 630 and headed off down the street. the first house we went to we reminded the kids what to do and j said "a little bit of trick or treat!" when the lady opened the door. she seemed confused, but gave him candy anyway. when he got his candy and screamed "THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!" right in her face at decibels that were far more frightening than any decoration I've seen to date. at least he's enthusiastic about gratitude?

"a little bit of Trick or Treat"

we stopped at probably 20 houses. I had previously thought we'd only make it to about 4. obviously, j and c had a blast.
probably my favorite part of the whole night though is when j walked up behind a little girl dressed as Ariel and said "heeeeeeyyyyy girl! you look goooooooood!" the little girls mom immediately doubled over with laughter-- which is good because her other course of action could have been to punt him right in his sackful of candy.

we got back to the house, did lite "candy investigation," I felt pretty safe about the candy the kids got tonight because the average age of the candy handeroutters ranged somewhere between AARP and nursing home. We investigated it anyway for good measure and let the kids pick out 3 pieces of candy to eat tonight. they both ate their 3, except for the York peppermint patty that j took which he immediately regretted one bite in, and they also both got poprocks from our personal collection. freaking hilarious.

I saw a few slutty [insert person, thing, or animal] tonight. I know my blood is a little thin since I grew up in Mississippi and all, but I think 45 degree weather calls for a costume more substantial than slutty Popsicle stick or slutty teapot. (slutty Popsicle stick was a joke, but slutty teapot? that totally happened) I don't know at what point in time halloween morphed into the lingerie holiday, but I hereby solemnly swear that even if I lose all baby weight plus 50lbs, I will never ever wear anything resembling a secret even Victoria can't keep.

slutty teapot (not a dramatization but a reinactment). the slutty teapot I saw had on fishnets, stripper heels, and on a wing and a prayer granny underwear.

up until today, slutty Chinese takeout was the most ridiculous costume I'd ever laid eyes on.

beef lo mein, you just got served by a teapot. or something like that.

I already can't wait for next year. I have a guess about where we will be, but you never know where for sure the Army will send you. I've already started racking my brains for costume ideas. I know for sure m will be a bear of some sort for her first halloween (in keeping with Drew family traditions). now, I have 364 days to come up with costumes for force the rest of the family into to go along with hers...

Happy Halloween

photographic evidence

2013-10-27T20:07:00.001-06:00

remember THIS POST?

after ~~stalking him~~ following him into the bathroom with my camera every time he went, I finally got it!

you know what you think is happening there? it is what's happening.

peep that ridiculousness.

daniel tiger

2013-10-26T15:39:00.003-06:00

we are headed to another halloween event tonight. if i had to wrangle j into his cowboy costume again tonight, i was going to cry and/or not take them. who knew chaps were so friggin' difficult to get on and off?
i asked j and c what they wanted to be for this evenings festivities and i was going to wing it out of the dress-up clothes. c requested doctor. easy. j decided he needed to be daniel tiger.

we DO have a tiger costume, but it just so happens to be the costume he wore when he was 1.75 years old. (he turns 4 in december).

i told him if it still fit, he could wear it.

i think i should have defined "fit" a little better for him. surprisingly, it's not to short in the legs or the arms LENGTH wise, but i am pretty sure he is going to lose his pickle tonight-- at the very least. but really, the whole fruit basket might go depending on how long he's in this costume. i told him repeatedly that it looked a little tight through the groin area and he insisted that it wasn't. oooooooook buddy.

here is a picture of the tiger heading out tonight.

i hope we come home with all the same appendages that we left with. (i'm looking at you, pickle)

right now I'm in bumper to bumper traffic waiting to get in. it's slowly stealing my soul.

we did see a "reindeer" so the good news is my kids think they've already been to the zoo.

you and walmart are really jumping the gun on this Christmas stuff, guys.

off to get candy!

and today all my dreams came true...

2013-10-25T13:27:00.001-06:00

i have always, ALWAYS, always wanted to take pictures of c in my wedding dress. i saw it on pinterest when c was about 45 seconds old and have been hanging onto the idea ever since. i got bored and needed a little cheering up today, so i broke out my backdrop and got to work. c got her hair rolled for the first time and she thought she was tres elegante. i asked her if she wanted to dress up in a pretty white dress and she said that she thought she might like to get dressed up and marry daddy. "and then i can kiss him" she said.

here is the end result of our little mommy/daughter photoshoot:

gah! she kills me dead.

i think this one is my favorite

a girl has got to have pearls. only wearing one set at a time is for the proletariat.

i'd curl her hair everyday, but then i'd probably only have time to be able to wash mine once a month.

or maybe this one is my favorite

sometimes she can't even take how cute she thinks she is... humble, this one.

and just so you know, i definitely gave my kids a smart ones meal for breakfast and let them eat it in front of the tv because i didn't have energy to make a real meal and i wanted them to leave me alone while i ate my smart ones meal for breakfast. between the pictures of c and the cuisine de tv, i am going to call today a wash on the +/- suck at parenting scale.

i hope everyone has a great weekend.

that damn toilet

2013-10-23T20:19:00.001-06:00

hi. my name is meagan and I'm really shitty (pun intended) at toilet training.

my son is 90% trained. my daughter oscillates between 0 and 50% depending on what kind of mood she is in.

***as I type this I hear "EVERYBODY OUT OF THE TUB AND INTO THE SHOWER! GET INTO THE SHHHHOOOOWWWWEEERRR" which could only mean one thing. we've got a floater. c said "I'm having a poopoo bath" what! and not 5 minutes later my son handed daddy j a cup full of his teetee because why not. I really cannot make this stuff up.***

and so that puts us at a 0% for c today. and for j who obviously thought it's never too early to start practicing for future Army urineanalysis. awesome.

anyway, I'm not writing about my kids' toilet training today. the above was merely an update to illustrate a point.

I've been working on potty training the kids since June. it's October (late October) and I'm still buying pull-ups, y'all.

so yesterday (and you really have no idea where this story is going even if you think you do-- hang with me), c comes into the den shouting "mossy is on the potty!"

Moscow. kitty, 1 each.

life with 2 under 3s is FULL of tattling, so we assumed that was what was going on. all day long it's "mossy is on the table!" "mossy won't let me hold him!" blah blah blah.

daddy j just happened to look into the bathroom where he saw what appeared to be our cat peeing in the potty. he said to me "I think Moscow just peed in the toilet because now he is covering his scent" which made me look and I saw him scratching at the toilet seat. suspicious but not enough evidence to confirm allegations that the cat relieved himself in the toilet. I watch enough law & order to know better.

before you ask, no. we didn't buy the special litter box that you set down in the toilet to try to teach him this. IF he indeed did pee in the toilet, he learned it all on his own.

fast forward to tonight.

we get home from picking up the van and eating supper and I hear peeing coming from the bathroom. I had forgotten all about the cat incident from last night and I come tearing down the hallway ready to praise the Hell out of whoever owned the mini firehose.

you guessed it. it was the cat. if I had not seen it and HEARD it with my own 2 eyes and ears, I would not believe it. he's looking at me like "what? you've never seen a cat pee in a toilet before?"

of all the times I didn't have my cell phone on me... I ran back to the kitchen to fetch it out of my purse and caught him scratching his scent off the bowl again.

I guess he isn't afraid of the dark or dangling his cat privates over a hole where things disappear.

so now. people. literally the ONE creature in the house who I did not potty train is potty trained. my cat. a cat. a non-human. the rest of the humans--not so much. I know what this says about me.

I've been working with j and c for 4.5 months. MONTHS. and my cat? he just goes in and starts using the potty like that's what he's always been doing his whole life.

I think God is trying to tell me something.

if you've never seen a cat go in a toilet before, well... then you must lead a normal existence. congratulations. i hope to be normal one day too. but for now I'm just going to go relish in my potty training victory that I had absolutely nothing to do with. winning.

insomnia and nightmares fear factory

2013-10-22T19:37:00.001-06:00

baby growing gives me insomnia. when i am up in the middle of the night, i turn to my dear old friends facebook, google, and of course pinterest.

last night pinterest gifted me with a picture from Nightmares Fear Factory in Niagara Falls. Nightmare Fear Factory is a haunted house inside of what used to be a coffin factory. the coffin factory part is scary enough, but add a haunted house to it-- forget about it. apparently it's so scary that they have something called a "chicken list." if at any time you yell "Nightmares!" someone comes and escorts you out, but you have to sign the "chicken list." the information i found on the chicken list said that there are over 100,000 names on it. yep, sounds about right.

anyway, the picture on pinterest led me to NFF's Flickr page (where they post every picture they take inside). The Flickr page led to hours of laughs.

Here are some of my favorites:

do you think this is what this dad does instead of grounding his kids for punishment?

girl in front just found out she's going to meet harry styles.

what's this ninja in his cable knit sweater fixin' to do?

i don't know which middle schoolers are going to be more horrified by this pic: the two bros in the front holding hands or the two in the back that would rather stick their head up someone's rump than look.

it's a toss up.

using a kid as your shield- that's a pretty sweet move, dad.

velociraptor defense. classic.

play on, playa. looks like as perfect an opportunity for a boob grab if i have ever seen one.

this lady just straight up quit life and went fetal position with it. i can respect that.

i really don't understand what the pee on a fire hydrant pose does to protect you, but these ladies love it.

justin beiber has never looked so good.

either they're really scared or they're singing r kelly. hard to say.

if you are wondering what they are looking at-- it's a car that appears to come crashing through a building at right at you. the headlights are the camera flash.

i hope this made y'all laugh as much as it made me. :)

it's a... girl!

2013-08-02T06:37:00.000-06:00

i was sooooooo emotionally drained after finding out what the gender (GIRL) of our next baby would be that i could barely stay awake last night. not bad emotionally drained, but just anticipation over a course of 3 days emotionally drained. i went straight to bed after rocking c to sleep and was out in a matter of seconds.

i couldn't stay asleep though. i woke up a bunch of times throughout the night thinking about our new daughter and if she was indeed really a daughter. confession: you are supposed to be 14 weeks to go get your ultrasound done at the private place i went to. by LMP (if you don't know what that means, you're gonna have to google it), i was nearly 15 weeks. by my first u/s dating, i was nearly 14 weeks. i woke up at 330 and decided that i just had watch the video again to make sure that the lady was right since i wasn't exactly 14 weeks- in theory.

i first looked back through my ultrasound hard copy pics. i saw the picture that said "GIRL!" but i couldn't figure out what the hell i was looking at. with c, i distinctly remember seeing 3 lines that very clearly were girl parts. i could not see these on this picture... at all. i mean, i trust the lady doing the u/s because this is pretty much what she does all day every day, but i wanted to see for myself.

alright, if you say so... and that exclamation mark makes me think you are pretty emphatic about this

i remembered during the u/s that she pointed out something that i couldn't really see on the screen on the wall and that to her it screamed girl. luckily, she sent me home with a video.

i had to watch about 2:30 of video and then there it was. hellloooooooo, baby girl.

you want fries with that?

you see that thing the arrow is pointing to? it's kinda hard to see the line down the middle but those are 2 very distinctive hamburger buns. girl it is.

now i am fully convinced that there will not be any 20 week ultrasound surprises or c section surprises in our future. hooray for little girls! i get the feeling that she will complete our family, but hey- nobody can really be sure about these things, can they?

i will not be sharing her name on here since i don't share anybody's name on here, but her initial will be m.

if you are wondering how the kids reacted... well, i am just gonna be glad that i don't have video of that. c just kinda stared at the big screen. she is s l o w l y coming to the realization that she isn't the baby anymore. what?!? and j cried. yup, we said "it's a girl!" and he sounded off with a big ole sobby siren of "but i don't want a girl, i wanted a boooooyyyyyyyyyy!" not much to be done about that now, is there? we later explained to him that he would be now having all of c's one year younger friends hanging around and that when he is a senior in high school, m's freshman friends will be hanging around. he promptly said "ok, i change my mind. i really wanted a girl!" okie dokie then. i didn't really think that logic would work, but apparently it did.

so now we have 2 kids who are very excited to be getting a sister. j says "i am going to be the best big brother to two little sisters!" and c just says "its a girl!" she'll get there.

the roundhouse church

2013-07-22T08:31:00.002-06:00

first of all, i am sorry i haven't been posting much. party hat is making me 1. sick, sick, sick and 2. exhausted. posting usually takes a little more brain power than i have to give to it. i've been asked a couple of times if i was sick in the first trimester with j and c. the answer to that is an emphatic NO. people who don't know me have been saying "maybe you're having the opposite of what you already have since you're so sick this time!" while well intended, um... what exactly am i having then? a toaster? an alien? an angry gordon ramsey who will accept nothing less than exquisite cuisine?

but that's not why i wrote today though. i wrote to tell you all about what i have affectionately named the roundhouse church. i don't mean round like shaped like a circle. i mean roundhouse like the show that used to air on Nickelodeon where all the people danced at the beginning. let me jog your memory: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpKXfa3fZ8o -- Clarissa explains it all usually followed. 2 thumbs up for quality-ish television.

last week i re-posted this article on facebook: http://www.faithandleadership.com/node/3653 with some commentary about how this movement away from traditional church has made an impact on my family. my experience with the roundhouse church is my most obvious example of why this model just won't work for everyone. before i get into my roundhouse church experience let me say this: i know that some people enjoy churches that are far more laid back than what i like and that is AWESOME. i am so glad that they found a church that makes them feel at home and that they are having their needs met at that church. hooray! what the article above is cautioning against is that every church is turning into a roundhouse church in an effort to attract youth/young adults and that particular model isn't for everyone, thus they are alienating a faction of the young population that doesn't feel comfortable in that particular model.

now on to my experience at the round house church.

when daddy j and i move we always make it a priority to find a new church. it usually goes like this: we visit all the catholic churches praying that one will have a nursery. none do. we decide we don't want to wrestle with our kids for an hour and stuff them full of snacks because we could just do that at home without disturbing the peace. literally. then we take a couple weeks off to recover from the trauma and we visit a few methodist churches. we go to the service that best fits our needs of starting between 930 and 11. we get there and somebody whips out a fender guitar and we start getting the cold sweats. the sweat drips more and more and more as we awkwardly sway to the music that we don't know the words to- until the explosion of uncomfortable happens when we all come together at the end to hold hands with strangers and say a prayer/blessing that we don't know but can't read because our hands are currently slipping and sliding all along the palms of strangers. and then i grab my purse and we run away as fast as we can. we do that until we find a church in any church denomination that doesn't have a contemporary service but we don't necessarily like and we just go there because we are so exhausted from looking. and eventually i am so grossed out by it that i start out looking for a church again.

that's how i found out about the roundhouse church. it wasn't too far from my house and they looked super inviting. i got gussied up one sunday, kissed the kids and daddy j goodbye, and headed off to figure out if was a church we would be willing to come back to and bring the entire gang.

i got there right as the service was starting. they had a count down on a huge white screen at the front of the church. i got there with like 20 seconds left and when we got to 10 -- the speaker system started making a booming noise like a rocket ship getting revved up and everyone started screaming 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3!!!, 2!!!, 1!!!!!. i should have taken that final 3, 2, 1, like the countdown to the hundred meter dash and gotten the Hell out of there but i was literally paralyzed with curiosity of what was going to happen after the countdown.

and thats when things got interesting. right after the countdown, the indoor laser light show started. i literally feared for the health of my retinas. seriously. colors were darting all around the room and this heavily miked-up guy came running out on the stage like he was about to light the torch at the Olympics. i later ascertained that we was the music director which explained why he looked like justin timberlake (before the suit & tie years) in concert. as soon as justin timberlake jr was in place on stage, the singing started replete with backup dancers. BACKUP DANCERS. like kevin federline- hip hopping and crumping and doing things i don't even know what to call them all over the stage. at this point i thought that if i needed to leave, i was going to need to back away so as not to startle the swaying participants on my flanks. except their wasn't an opportunity to leave for a while.

the next Jesus jam after the crumpers was a slow-ish tune that had about the same speed/twang as a line-dance. apparently since i was new, i missed the memo that this was the cue for everyone to exit their rows and dance in the aisles. everyone was doing this kinda kick, step, step, wave your arms, bounce up and down twice, wiggle your butt for a count or two, repeat deal. they weren't necessarily doing it in unison, but they all were definitely doing the same choreography. i can only imagine that it was called something like the Jump for Jesus or Grind for God, but let me tell you... if swaying to music is out of my comfort zone, Grind for God put me practically on the moon. there wasn't an opportunity to leave during this song either because every avenue of exit was occupied with grinders. the fire marshal would not be pleased. after the song ended, there were some lingering line-dancers and these vested ushers came along to shoo them back to their seats. another lost opportunity for escape.

once everyone was seated, the longest continual prayer i have ever witnessed began. i wasn't looking at a watch but i'd guess it was at least 25-30 minutes. and i wasn't going to leave during a prayer. i wanted to leave, but not bad enough to be rude. in the last 3 or 4 minutes of the prayer, the music in the background started to pump up the volume, pump up the volume, pump up the volume, jam!jam!. when the preacher/spiritual leader person was done, the music really got to going full-blast and everyone was boogieing down while the backup dancers secretly auditioned for christina aguilera's back to basics tour circa 2006.

and just when i thought it couldn't get any weirder and i could make my great escape... remember those vested ushers? they busted out of the back doors of the church and came running up the aisles clapping their hands and being like party starters for everyone to hop up on chairs and start jamming. i was quite surprised that they weren't carrying little test tubes full of water that was about to be turned into wine to really get the party started. when people started getting up on the chairs though, i had a clear avenue of approach for the door. i grabbed my purse and ran out. it wasn't until i got in the car that i realized i forgot the bible i'd brought on the chair. i chalked it up to a loss as i decided right then and there to never go back to that church.

so that's my story of the roundhouse church. again, that kind of church is obviously for a lot of people (as it was PACKED) but it isn't for me. it was a culture shock extraordinaire. the important thing to take away from this beside the fact that they should really issue protective eye wear if they are going to lasers inside is that we continued to look and found the church for us. those people at the roundhouse church had their spiritual needs met, so that's awesome. and going waaaaaaaayyyy back to the article above, not every church has to be a roundhouse church. i love the fact that we were able to find one that met our very boring 30 year old couple spiritual needs and that there is a church for everybody.

responsibility for your own crap

2013-07-08T11:48:00.001-06:00

j crapped in his pants.

I know he did it.

he knows he did it.

he knows that I know that he did it.

And, I know that he knows that I know that he knows that he did it.

waiting for him to take some responsibility...

I feel like this is a metaphor for life. Shouldn't we all just take responsibility for our own crap?

crunchy granola

2013-06-24T19:49:00.001-06:00

actually lets don't talk about granola. it'll make me puke.
I've mentioned my nausea a little on Facebook but haven't dedicated a blog post solely to the inter-workings of my stumosh. (translation: stomach in boratnese). that streak ends now.

party hat kept me in bed all day yesterday. you know that feeling that you have right before you throw up where your jaw is all tingly? yeah? I felt exactly like that from 630 yesterday morning until 1030 last night. it was terrible.

I felt pretty good this morning and so I got some pictures printed and went to Walmart. I must have been feeling guilty from staying in bed all day yesterday because I got the kids a tie-dye t-shirt kit. stay tuned. I'm sure that'll be a blog post in and of itself tomorrow.

my feeling good ran out about the time I had to take c to the ER because I was sure she'd broken her leg from climbing the dining room chair like it was scaffolding and having it fall over. (she didn't, thankfully!) the burly nurse (probably 6 foot 5 and 300lbs) brought her "a red Popsicle to match her pretty red bow" (his words) and I thought he was gonna get a pile of pretty puke at right at his size 17 skis.

once we got back from the hospital, the kids went straight down for a nap and so did I. Jerry got home as soon as we woke up and went to supper. supper was not a good experience and I decided that he was stopping by whole foods on the way home so I could get something to help.

when I was in El Paso, I went to an acupuncturist. enter: crunchy!

when I got slightly nauseated with j and c he gave me a special "Bach flower" concoction. I keep saying "I wasn't this sick with j and c" but I also had dr. a's magical elixir from the word go. when I started feeling bad, I squirted two drops under my tongue and- whamo blamo- I felt better.

at whole foods I found the goods to make dr. a's elixir! God Bless you whole foods. amen.

I don't know what mimulus is, but I love it.

put them together and what have you got?

like American Express- never leave home without it.

it might be psychosomatic, but I swear after 1 use I feel a million times better.

in case you're wondering: I probably am happy to see you... but that's definitely just my magic elixir in my pocket.

knight in shining tetanus

2013-06-21T21:43:00.001-06:00

remember this? http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/

the bloggess does have a point. you never know what you're gonna run across at homegoods. tonight I found this little beauty:

(don't worry about my 4 chins. I've got 7 more months of chin growth. it's gonna get a lot worse before it gets better.)

I seriously wanted to buy this little guy, bring him home, and just put him on the front porch and wait. and wait. and wait. and videotape people's reactions.

we have an owl on our front porch with the weird head that bobs and swivels in the wind to keep the birds away. mostly, we just have an owl with the weird head that bobs and swivels that's covered in bird poop on our front porch. I can't imagine what the birds would be thinking if they saw this golden statue of pristine shitlessness. and the face mask looks like an excellent future fortified little birds' nest.

I kept thinking how awesome it would be to get and how hilarious it would be. but my friend (the one who took my picture) did me a solid and told me not to get knight in shining tetanus. although he was only $69.99. ugh... bargain!

we ran over to target really quick after we checked out and did not purchase the KIST. when we got back to the swagger wagon what did we see?

these people need better friends. or an excellent financial advisor. or both.

someone was buying one! seriously, someone in Colorado Springs bought a knight in shining armor from Homegoods. I almost wanted to follow them home just to see what they did with it. like... maybe they have a yearly haunted house and they needed a piece that helped scare the kids and get parents their money's worth from the DTaP vaccine. or maybe they work for the manufacturer and are trying for some job security. can't say I blame them.

when i got home, I'd been thinking I was the quirky one in the family. buuutttt I came home to j and the kids watching Rudolph the red nosed reindeer. in June. and here all this time I just thought Christmas music after Halloween was overkill.

and lastly, clararella got some new glass slippers:

they make me ridiculously happy. somehow I think, though, we will be getting her a nice little pink cast sometime in the future since they have the teensiest of heels. she sure does love them though.

thinking of seeing monsters u this weekend. I'm in it for the popcorn. has anyone seen it? will it hold the attention of a 3 and 2 year old? I just need it to keep their attention long enough to devour a jumbo extra butter popcorn complete with a drippy butter beard. I'm thinking 15 min. what say you?

three's a party

2013-06-20T20:35:00.001-06:00

y'all might have noticed that were expanding. its mostly my butt and my waistline, but expanding we are!

party hat is due to join the family on February 3rd +\- a few days. who knows. I think party hat may end up a January baby, but I think the zodiac sign will be the same so at least I know a little about what I am getting ahead of time.

everyone in the family thinks party hat is a boy, but c. c says sister.

I have had some strange cravings. no pickles and ice cream or unicorns and glitter. but, Mexican food and cheese sticks (simultaneously) are pretty common. right now, I want corn pops and Lima beans. not like in the same bowl but at the same time.

which brings me to the subject of grocery shopping. no pregnant person should ever be allowed to go in a store that sells food. not a grocery store, not a target, not a Walgreens, not a circle k.

tonight I went to target to pick up a prescription and some unisom. I walked out with: Corn pops, frosted mini wheats, 15 grain bread, orange juice concentrate, twizzlers, sausage biscuits, peaches and push pops. ooookkkkaaaayyy?

also, I have now figured out why women get a nice little pooch (FUPA) after kids. that's just Gods way of protecting future offspring from their big brothers and sisters. party hat's cozy little home has been kicked, jumped on, rolled onto, you name it. for once, I'm thankful for my gut and the extra cushion it provides. never thought I'd ever say that.

big sister and big brother are really thrilled. they got to come to the ultrasound. I'm only 7 weeks 3 days, but we saw the heartbeat. the kids were fascinated. prior to the ultrasound they were jumping around all over. when the magic wand showed them the baby they were as still as statues and so excited.

we aren't planning to find out party hat's gender until eviction day, but baby j is trying to wear me down. he keeps saying "we need to know who the baby is, mommy". we will see. I always promised daddy j after we got one of each we could have a "surprise".

I guess y'all now know extra reasons why c had to get off the boom and get sleep trained and both get potty trained. I bet most of you weren't even surprised. :)

dare I say it?

2013-06-16T21:17:00.002-06:00

I think we've turned a corner on potty training. maybe not a sharp, buck 20, two wheeled turn...but probably an 85 year old with cataracts turn into a church parking lot turn. hey, I'll take what I can get.
j had no accidents (or purposefuls) today. yeehaw! c had one but it's because she was playing in a laundry hamper and we didn't get her out and to the potty in time.

I'm not saying the kids are "trained" but they're a heck of a lot closer to it than they were last time I wrote. we are even venturing out of the house tomorrow. challenge accepted.

In all of this though, I've decided that someone needs to write a real book on the subject. Jenny McCarthy took pregnancy and did it justice. I'm waiting for the real deal book on postpartum with a title that reads "it's ok if you don't want to stare at your new baby all night and you really want a martini" and definitely one about potty training. title: "trust your instincts and your kids are gonna be real turds- pun definitely intended"

I have read A LOT of books on the subject of potty training. lots. most are 50 plus pages and they repeat themselves over and over and over. I think that a true potty training book could be written in 5 pages or less and that includes the works cited.

here is an excerpt from the imaginary book I've been writing in my head all week:

you know how you feel when you've been looking forward to your favorite meal at your favorite restaurant? you know...the meal that you get every single time and you can literally taste it? now imagine you go to the restaurant and they give you the old "so sorry. we are all out of your favorite meal. here are our other fine selections. if you like your favorite meal, your love my favorite meal." but you're thinking "Hell no, bro. i will not" yeah? well... that's how your kids feel about crapping anywhere but in their pants. you might think the potty is awesome, but they just want to keep doing what they know.

so what do you do when they tell you they don't have your favorite meal anymore? you more than likely order something else. are you disappointed? yes. are you sometimes pleasantly surprised? yes. but not before you've pouted about it (and you're an adult). if you were two or three or four would you probably throw your menu to the ground when they told you that you couldn't have what you wanted? Hell yes you would.

so put yourself in your kids' shoes. they haven't had 30 years to practice that sweet thing called self-control. you just told them that 1. they can't keep doing what they've always known, 2. they have to stop what they're doing (playing) to do it. 3. they now have to hover their naked private parts over a hole where things disappear. um. no thanks.

so, let me be the first to tell you. you're kids are gonna act like real turds about the whole kit and kaboodle. if you drink, you'd better stock up. if you pray, you'd better set up an alter. if you stress eat, you better hit up a hoho factory. you're gonna need it. it might last 3 days, it might last 3 weeks. heck, it might even last 3 months.

these little angry nugget geniuses want some control back. they're gonna try to get it if they have to break every glass item in your house and pluck your sanity from you one teeny tiny strand at a time. and don't even get me started on all the places you're gonna find human waste. buy some latex gloves and carry on, soldier.

let me reiterate. if you consider calling a priest at any point in time- that's normal. totally normal.

you can read all the books that you want on this, but when it comes time to train- just trust your instincts. obviously you gotta cover the basics like actually taking them to the bathroom to go. put them on the big toilet, a small toilet, let them pee on a tree. you can wait for them to tell you or set a timer and make them or catch them and move them. whatever approach you think your kids will respond best to... do that. it doesn't matter if someone with a phd in pottyology doesn't endorse it. do these fools know your kid? no. no they do not. you do. trust that. do you hear me? trust yourself!

are your kids coocoo for coco puffs? then, get the kids some damn coco puffs. do you always tell them no to new stickers, bubbles, gummies, pickles, anime figurines, iPad time, TV time, more Barney? whatever they're always nagging you for and not getting-buy that/ do that/ give them that. it doesn't matter if your neighbor swears she trained her 17 foster children using exclusively m & ms. if your kids' currency isn't m & ms you're wasting your energy. dude. I promise. learn your kids' currency, exploit it, and reap the benefits.

indoor skating fashion show currency? yeah. why not?

it's gonna take some time. your currency might change. how much time doesn't matter. how many times your currency changes doesn't matter. what matters is your resolve to carry on. if your friend is gloating about training their kid in one hour and they never had an accident. give them a cookie. preferably peanut butter so it gums them up a bit. it's the old saying "every kid is different" blah. blah. blah. well guess what folks? they are different. they're really different. personality has a lot to do with training these small people. maybe the kid that got trained in 1 hour isn't going to be a contender on american gladiator like your shiny nugget. some kids are just STRONG WILLED. they're gonna crap their pants til they run out of crap. don't be alarmed. clean it up and just remind them that one way or another they.will.not.go.to.college.in.diapers.

The *May* or May Not Have Mom