mommy monologues

From the heart of a girl who lost her mom

2016-03-11T12:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been putting off writing for so long. Because life didn't allow me the chance it seems. It's crazy to think how my life has changed in the last 10 months. I re-read a blog post of mine from when mom first got her diagnoses, actually I quickly skimmed over it and stopped, because it made me tear up a bit. It instantly took me back to when we first heard of mom's news. We were scared. We were clinging to the time we had together as a family. We were hopeful. We lost friends. Gained new ones. We lost mom.

It was a blessing to have mom with us, especially over those last two years. She did her best to put on a strong, beautiful, happy face...and she did. So well. She mothered us, her four grown adult children, our spouses and her grandchildren. When she was there, she was present. She moved quietly through the last two years of her life on earth...knowing what her future held, and also given the chance to see what our own futures held...and it was ok. She knew what she needed to do. She chose to move from her home of 35 years, in to the home she and dad had started to build a year before she was given the news...I always think it was to get the family in something new, and unfamiliar, and unattached from years of family memories. She carefully led us through those two years, always staying positive, and always taking the time to support us through our lives, growths, set backs, victories. She was selfless and loving. We spent weeks at her side while she was in and out of the hospital. I was fortunate enough to make two trips down to Phoenix while she was going through her treatment. I met the people she and dad adopted in as family. The hotel where they stayed became their home away from home, mom and dad both felt comfortable there. The staff became fast friends with them, because you know, it's mom and dad, and they make friends everywhere they go. It was like a semi retirement for them to spend time as a couple, although nothing quite like retirement for most. There was no golfing, no travelling around...there was rest for mom. Every afternoon, she would rest. Dad would spend time with the hotel staff, or other people staying there, or he would get groceries, do the laundry, maybe call us kids on the phone...
Mom really did enjoy herself down there, which is so great, and they were lucky enough to have friends from back home staying near by. They had visitors come from all over to check in on them. Life was very different from what they had previously known, but like I said, I feel mom had a bigger plan than we knew.

As I was preparing her slide show for her memorial service, I found it hard to find recent photos of her over the last two years. I realized it was because she wasn't always here, she wasn't able to come and watch t-ball, or dance recitals, or Christmas Concerts, so those moments and occasions were never captured in photos. There was a definitive distance put between us already, almost like a slight ease in to the life we were about to have, where we couldn't just speak on the phone everyday, or drop over for a visit, or a sleepover. It was gradual, this change, and she made it that way. To lessen the blow of life after mom? Maybe. Or maybe to show us in subtle little ways that we actually could do things with out her being there. Maybe she was enabling us, as mothers do, to be able to adjust and carry on and move forward. She wore the face of strength so that when we thought of her after she left, that strength is what we remembered.

The following months after we moved them in to the new house showed us, gently, what life was going to be like for us, and for mom. It forced us to connect more, to share our thoughts, to talk frankly about life. This is still a work in progress, but the closeness we acquired as a family throughout this life change has been really, really good. We spent at least a week every month in the hospital at mom's side during her frequent stays there. We brought the kids often and for Halloween, birthdays, whatever the occasion. If mom was in, we were there. She loved seeing them smile, hearing them giggle, and even getting climbed on the odd time so they could lay in the bed and move it up and down. She was incredibly patient with them, and she adored their art work that was always displayed on the walls of the her hospital room. A lot of healing went on in mom's hospital rooms. She was a healer. Her room always felt warm, and comforting, even in the last days...as hard as they were. She was our home. So it didn't matter where she was, we just felt good being near her.
I can't explain the loss when you lose a parent. My loss if different from yours, from my dad's, and even from my own siblings. I can tell you that losing the first soul that your own soul was connected to, leaves you feeling lost. Like you're in a small vessel at sea. You ride the waves, up and down, your spin, your go under, you come up. You're constantly in search of the ship that once carried your vessel. You're misplaced. In the storm of your life. Some days are rough, scary, foggy, cold and hard. Some days are sunny, beautiful and calm. You have no choice but to ride the waves.
I can explain the gratitude I feel to have had my mom in my life. And to have gone through her journey by her side. She made us who we are today, gave us wings, and as we all teetered on the edge of the nest, wondering what to do, wondering where to go from here she quietly took flight. We are now left with nothing but our own wings to get us through. We have to trust ourselves. Our wings were gifts from our parents. They enabled us to grow. And as much as it hurts, now is a time for growth.

I can tell you that I am an incredibly lucky person to have my dad, and my three siblings to go through this life with. I can tell you that my heart bursts at the thought of my incredibly supportive family, countless aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. Mom was blessed. And therefore I am blessed. She had incredibly supportive friends show up often at the hospital. We filled that place with noise, laughter, happiness...so much in fact, one time mom asked us to be quiet. We did...but it didn't last long. It's hard to keep us quiet, especially during crib games, or talking about growing up together, or making fun of each other, or laughing and crying about our memories, celebrating the many baby announcements our cousins told mom. She was so happy to hear of all the new babies, and she would smirk knowing that she was one of the first ones to hear about one in particular, she loved that it was a secret at that time.

We talked a lot while she was in the hospital. It's all pretty cloudy, because you're entire being is consumed with whats going on that you really don't spend much time thinking about anyone or anything else.

My sister and I had many conversations with her about life after death. And how she would be able to help us reach goals, dream big, and be happy. She enjoyed those conversations, she would smile and nod, and had this knowing look on her face. We were looking at our Angel, we were talking directly to her, and she was talking back.

The time we spent with mom was spent as best we could. As best she could. And I feel like I have no regrets...other than, of course, I wish mom didn't have to leave us so soon. As a young mom, who lost her own mom I want to tell you how incredibly hard this has been. It's heart breaking, gut wrenching, short of breath every day, pain. Us daughters who have lost their moms are going through something so surreal and difficult and its so hard to put it in to words.
The days leading up to mom's passing were scary. I wished with ever fibre of my being that I could stop time, reverse it, take it back to when mom was so healthy and full of life, love and laughter...She had all those things even while in the hospital, but her energy was focused more inward as she was moving towards her next stage of life, a life that we won't know of until we get there.
The day mom passed, was a blur. I was numb. As was every member of our family. The dozens of people who were scattered in the hall outside her room, I remember having so many people around us during those weeks mom was in the hospital. They were there to love us. And mom. My dad. My siblings. Our children. Each other.

After I watched mom take her last breath, I whispered "She's gone." I remember wanting to scream it. But as the words came out I almost felt this sense of relief knowing that she was now not suffering. She had a beautiful smile on her face. The feeling of relief quickly turned to panic, fear, shock, disbelief and heartache. I reached for family member after family member hugging, crying, consoling, saying we did so good and mom was so proud and lucky to have us there. We connected more than we thought we would, I know we are a strong, good family, but I didn't realize exactly how lucky we were to have each other in that time. And still to this day.
That afternoon, we met at my sisters to have tea and be with each other. We talked small talk. We cried. We leaned on each other. I don't really remember what else, but I know we were all in shock. That feeling of tension, anxiety in my chest and the lump in my throat definitely stand out. I believe we laughed and shared a few stories. But I can't place much else. I remember the fear I had when I dialled my husband on the phone, my hands were shaking, how was I going to tell him that this woman he loved so much was gone? We knew it was coming. Yet it was still so shocking. The fear and heartache amplified as I came to my little boys, and had to tell them that their grandma, their best friend, the woman they loved so much, was now in heaven. I couldn't comprehend that. How could I expect my little boys, these babies, to understand that? It still rips me apart knowing that they lost one of the greatest people in their lives.

That night, I remember feeling the previous weeks catch up to me. The countless, sleepless nights, spent in the hospital watching mom as she rested, the back and forth between home and mom. Spending hours on end there with my family and our friends. We were so lucky. Constantly surrounded by people who had our best intentions in their hearts. I laid on my bed. Crying uncontrollably, as I had been for weeks before, I checked my phone out of habit, seeing if anyone had text an update on mom. I woke every hour. Checked my phone again and again. My husband held me and barely let go. I was restless. Exhausted. And very lost.

The next morning, was the first morning I woke up as a motherless daughter. I didn't actually sleep that night, I pictured mom's face every time I closed my eyes. My heart was racing...and still, ten months later, it does. My mind was blurry. A fog. I was numb and in shock. My kids needed me and I felt like I was failing them, because I could barely get through a single moment with out crying. My phone was flooded with texts, calls, emails...it was overwhelming. I was lucky to such a large support group, but part of me wanted to throw my phone out and be left in silence. Without the constant ping alerting me of a mother message. The messages helped to a degree. But hearing that she lives on in our memories, or hearts, or whatever, didn't make me feel good in that moment...because at that point, the memory wasn't there yet. She had just left. And thinking about her was confusing, scary, and extremely hard. Months later is when I learned that her memory would be comforting, and that I would eventually learn to smile at the thought of mom.

The shock stayed for weeks. I would be out in public - something I used to enjoy, now became something I dread. Getting groceries was something that took the life out of me. Cooking was hard, because I used to cook with mom. Going to the Co-op was hard, I went there with mom before. Driving was hard, I couldn't focus on anything but mom. Seeing my hands on the steering wheel, and noticing that they looked like moms hands. Every little thing reminded me of mom. Everything drifted to mom. And it hurt. It still does. Constantly. I felt I needed escape. There was this desperation in me that I never knew existed. I would cry in public as someone made eye contact with me, and started to approach me, I knew they were coming to say "I'm so sorry about your mom." Suddenly, this person who I loved so incredibly much became a topic with fear and hurt around it. Not the joy, laughter, and happiness that I know existed. Somewhere.

I would say it took weeks for the shock to wear off. Maybe six weeks? Who knows, really. I felt like I could breathe in a little deeper, with out that constricted feeling and shortness. I cried daily. I talked about mom as much as I could even though it hurt like hell. I talked about her to my kids. I learned that I had to be compassionate with myself. Give myself those crappy hard days. Give myself really good days...without guilt. I learned to allow myself to smile a little more. Sleep slowly came back to normal, although there were still plenty of nights where I would wake up thinking I needed to leave the house and head to hospital to visit mom. I eventually left my cell phone out of my room, as I found I woke in the night to check it for updates on mom.

I learned that I could call my sister, or my brothers and say "I'm having a bad day" and they would drop what they were doing and we would talk it out. I learned that I can cry over using that last bit of mom's homemade crabapple jelly. I learned to smile again, and laugh. These were some of mom's favourite things to do, and I know she wanted to see us smiling and laughing. I started to have people over more often, so our house could be loud, full of people, visits, laughs. I found great relationships in talking truthfully, honestly and raw about mom. I learned that real friends wanted to hear how I was doing, they constantly dropped me a text, or popped in to visit.
As the weeks went on, the constant stream of people wore off. It was gradual, and I remember one day thinking "Where is everyone?" So many people contacted me while mom was in the hospital, and after she passed. They were dropping off cards, little gifts, food, flowers, meals...then one day it was all sort of gone. Life went back go normal quickly for everyone else, naturally, and it should. But for me, it's all so strange, and different, and hard, and I long for the days when I could call my mom and talk about the funny things my kids have done, or something that has been bothering me, or to plan our next family dinner. What I've learned is now I can call my dad and tell him about his grandkids, and plan get togethers with him. I can share goofy kid stories with my brothers and my sister. There is still people in my life that want to hear about our days as much as my mom did, they may not be soft, gentle, loving and peaceful as mom was, but they are still people in my life who matter and who care. And they deserve to be in our lives and we deserve to be in theirs.

The day of her funeral was a very strange day. I was scared. Nervous. Not ready to see hundreds of people. I remember showering, and picking out my outfit, doing my hair and make-up. As I looked at myself in the mirror I started to cry. I was getting ready for my mom's funeral. I was curling my hair, carefully putting on mascara that I knew would wear off from tears hours later. I was shaking. I felt light-headed. It was such a strange thing to do. I had no idea that getting ready for my mom's funeral would impact me so much. It took a long time to do, I was trying to put it off. I stopped over and over and just sat and stared in the mirror. Looking for signs of mom in my own face. Listening extra carefully, wishing I could hear her voice telling me "It's ok, you can do it." I didn't hear her. I couldn't see her.

We were fortunate enough to have so much help setting up and taking down for her funeral. We did it exactly as she had planned. We had native drummers and singers from her reserve come, their songs pounded through the chests of the members of the funeral. It brought so much pride to me to hear the songs of our ancestors, knowing that they were singing of her journey, encouraging her, supporting her, loving her. We felt strong in our roots as we walked with her to the front of the arena. We felt weak in our hearts knowing that this was the last time we would physically see her, in front of us. We allowed the children to move around, up and down, and later run and play with each other. Mom wanted that. We laughed as the officiant of the funeral, a close friend of my brother, talked about how mom wanted to honour her brown side and her white side, he talked about mom as a Noble woman, and she really was. My cousin, Ray stood and spoke a few words, said a Cree prayer, and made us laugh and laugh. Mom's grand babies blew out candles at the end of the service, we played music and watched the slide show. We showcased mom. We honoured her. We handed out funeral flowers to her friends and family who stayed until dark to visit and clean up. If there could ever be a perfect
funeral, it was hers.

To this day, I still feel lost, I still look for mom. The person who brought us all together in her home is now gone. And we don't have that home. This summer, we will have it back, and we have already started to plan our family reunion on my dad's side there. And we have started to plan mom's party as well. Thanksgiving will be at the farm this year, in mom's house. Life will almost feel a bit closer to what it was when she was here. We will have our home again. Her home. I feel like that house is our beacon, no matter what life throws at us, we have always had that home to go to, to gather in, to be with each other in. It's something that she loved so much and was so proud of, and I can't wait to be there again. I know mom is guiding me there, I know she wants us there and can't wait for that day to come. I know it won't fix anything, or change anything, but it is home. And that is enough for me.

Life has thrown some pretty wicked curve balls at us over the last few years, but we were raised by people with clear minds, big hearts, giving spirits, and strong wills. And I know we can still have a beautiful life, it just might look and feel a lot different than what we had imagined. One day, I'm certain I will be able to sit here with a happy heart, and an ease in breathing when I think of her, and share stories about her. She was one of the greats, and she didn't even know it. It's rare to find some as real as mom was. There was nothing two-faced or fake about her. When she saw you, she was genuine when she asked how you were doing. And if you told her something, she didn't go behind your back and tell someone else. She was whole-heartedly one of the kindest people around, not a jealous bone in her body. Even with what life tossed her, she was happy and content, and she loved herself in a way I admire, and hope to be able to love myself that way. She was accepting. Loving. And let go of things in the past that didn't serve her. She is a great role model, and I am sad that my kids don't have those footprints to follow. And some days I am very hard on myself for not being just like mom, although I try. I hope to find clarity in the following days, weeks, months, years. And as time passes I know that I am one day closer to her. I used to look at time as being farther away from her, from the last day she spoke to me, from the last day I saw her and soaked her in. Now I know that time actually isn't relevant and the amount we have here on this earth is nothing compared to what lies ahead. So we have to make the best of it even on the days where it feels like we are being swallowed up. We have to find the strength that mom had every day, and use it to move forward. And to not feel guilt in doing so. Every mom has only ever wanted her children to be happy, so why wouldn't we try to be?

About Mom

2016-02-25T13:16:00.002-07:00

My last post was about my mom, in 2013. This post will be about my mom. She was born July 28, 1955 and passed away on May 1, 2015. She was our everything.
I've been working on this post for weeks and weeks, started then deleted, then started all over again, walked away from it, came back. There is no right or wrong way to explain how I feel, or how I have experienced life growth, set backs, more growth, or death...trust me, although I am living, I have experienced death in one form or another. What I would like to do is share my own experience, so that, when the time comes for you, you have some sort of guide or grid or common place with whatever is going on. Something to connect to. I didn't have warning as to what I was about to experience. I had people say "It will be hard." or "Keep her memories close." or "She lives in you." And some days I wanted to scream and cry and tell those people that they had no idea what I was going through. Some days, I wanted to sit with those same people and have tea or coffee and talk and laugh and cry.

I'm defintinetly not trying to be down in the dumps, or sad, or depressing...but I really want to talk about grief. And mourning. There's a difference between the two. A big difference. And we are all going to be faced with each of these things over and over in our lifetime on earth. We can't stop it. We can't pretend it didn't happen. But we also can't live in fear of it. We have no warning as to when we will lose someone we love. Sometimes, like in my case, we do have warning. What was shocking to me, was that when my mom told me at the age of 14 years old she was sick with Hep C, was that I was suddenly scared of death. Scared of losing my mom. And like the rest of my family, I started to grieve her. Grief is what you feel inside. It's the emotional roller coaster that is attached to the idea and actual act of losing someone you love. But how can you grieve someone who is still standing right in front of you? I don't know. But I did. And I didn't really know it until now.

My mom was really good at living life and making it the best it could be. And she didn't do that with flashy purses, designer clothes, the newest vehicle, or extravagant trips. My mom was humble. And she was adored by a lot of people. She was grounded. I still get told by friends that my mom was an amazing role model for them. Friends who have amazing families and great values, and great goals, and they still found a desire to be more like my mom. Mom did enjoy travelling. She was very blessed to go on trips with my sister and her awesome little family to tropical destinations. Trips with us where she made memories with our kids that they will hold in their hearts forever. She enjoyed ski trips, golfing, fishing trips up North, road trips across Canada and the States, gardening with her friends and family, and just being home. She was a farm wife who worked her butt off, baked thousands of buns, made tens of thousands fresh home cooked meals, she was strong and could haul pails of feed, pull start the skidoo, run a chainsaw to cut wood, fix a dishwasher, pulled calves in the winter with dad, and even enjoyed wrangling the odd 4-H steer. She was fearless. She was an awesome athlete growing up and had this freakish competitive streak in her. She was so damn good at everything she did. She wore the face of a warrior whenever she was tested or put up to a challenge. She was soft and loving, she was hard and determined. She was literally the greatest friend her family and neighbours could have had. She was wicked in Scrabble. But was a terrible singer. Sometimes, not the best driver, she ran over a lot of cats, deer, Dexter when he was a pup, and even hit a cow. But hey, you can't be good at everything.

She did everything with a smile. Well...not the hitting animals with the Suburban part...she was probably screaming and had her eyes closed.
Point is...she was good. She was what people should strive to be like. Her idea of success was exactly what she had...and she was happy. Happiness equals success. Not "things". Items we have in our homes are meaningless in the long run. I love the things I have. I loved the things my mom had. There's some sort of memory attached to everything in her house. But now that she is gone, I don't really want those things. I have a few of her things. Blankets, mostly. And my kids adore those blankets. They say they feel like Grandma is hugging them when they snuggle up in those blankets and watch a movie.

While she was in the hospital, we asked her if she needed anything from home. She had her usual items with her; some slippers, warm pyjamas, a robe, her toiletries. She said she didn't need anything. As time went on, people would bring flowers and little gifts, and she would acknowledge them and was very grateful. She loved flowers. Near the end though, she didn't notice the flowers anymore, or the pictures on the wall that her grandkids drew. She changed a bit, shifted, and she noticed when someone walked in or out of the room. Again, I asked her if she needed anything from home, something that was comforting for her. She smiled, and said "No, I just need my people." That hit me. And it stuck with me. And sometimes I get really emotional thinking about that. Because that is all mom ever wanted. Was to be surrounded by us. Her friends. Her family. Her grandkids. She was the glue that held everyone together. She called the people she loved every week or two and connected with them. She brought people together. She had dozens of people around her near the end of her life. There was family, friends, neighbours, people from our community who wanted to come by and show her and her family support. I was overwhelmed with the number of people who came. Some came for their own reasons, but most came just to be near mom because that is what made them feel good. That is what she gave to people. The feeling of belonging, the sense of family, that connectedness that some people weren't lucky enough to feel in their lives. And they found it in her. She loved "stragglers", the friends of ours that would come to our home for holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter...she opened her door, arms and kitchen to so many of our friends who weren't able to get home for holidays. My mom was competitive, yes, but was never in competition with people when it came to being a good friend, host, role model. She didn't even know she was a role model to so many people.

The grief I felt and still feel, started years ago. And it will be with me for years to come. Until I meet mom again. She was the first soul that my soul was connected to. How do you ever replace that? You don't. You learn to work through the mourning. The emotions that come with loss. The sudden tears that appear without warning. The anger. The hurt. The fear. The denial. The sadness. The depression. The laughter. There is happy times when moving through grief. I laugh about things mom would say, like how she pronounced "croissant" with a french accent. Or how she would torture my ears with her singing in the vehicle, she didn't care that she didn't know the words, or couldn't hold a tune, she just sang.

Grief is hard. Mourning is harder. It was easier for me to feel and keep everything inside. The first time I actually let it out, and bawled my eyes out or screamed in to my pillow was hard. It left me feeling exhausted and achy. My head hurt. But there was this feeling of being lighter. I learned some ways to release my anger, and I practiced them. Journalling, doing a bit of yoga, or physically whacking my pillow down on to my bed over and over helped. My cousin told me to try that to release anger, because I had talked to her about feeling so mad. About wanting to yell. But not wanting to scare my kids. The first time I did it, I ended up scream crying. Thankfully, my kids weren't home, neither was my husband, and I felt so good afterwards. It may sound crazy to you, but if you haven't experienced a loss similar to mine, then you just won't understand. I like to educate myself. And I would much rather release emotions than hold them in and become ill with them. Grief and mourning are two very difficult things to work through, but I jumped right in and started. I read about the stages of grief. I thought I had an idea of what I was going to face. But I had no clue. I had no idea what grief was going to do me. To my husband. To our relationship. To my kids. To their schoolwork. To my relationship with my kids. But I did know that the best way to deal with something was to put on that face that my mom wore whenever she was faced with struggles or challenges, and I armed myself with knowledge, I let go of expectations - especially the ones attached to my husband - and I powered through, and still am. We have to be like buffalo...and walk headfirst in to the storm.

I learned that grief can drive a wedge in between me and my husband, I've also learned that we are stronger than that wedge, and together we picked it up and moved it. I learned that my expectations of him were unrealistic. That he couldn't be the one person to pull me out of this. I learned that he lost my mom too. That he misses her so much every day that it distracts him. I learned compassion. I learned that my little boys miss my mom so much, and have lost that same amazing woman that I have lost. That my dad lost. That my siblings, their kids, and their spouses have lost. That my aunts and uncle lost. That my cousins lost. That my parent's neighbour have lost. I have learned that mom reached out to so many people all the time, and now that she is gone, they don't have that phone call, that Facebook comment, that Scrabble game. In loss, we tend to turn inward. We want to be alone somedays. We can't bare the thought of going to a grocery store. The beginning was hard. The kids wondering if grandma was coming back was hard. The reality that she was not coming back was hard.

But it has also been beautiful. The new connections we have made. The talks we have had. The realization that life is messy, and thats ok. The extra long cuddles with my kids. Watching them grow and learn, and work through their own grief and mourning has reaffirmed that we are good parents. That even through times of struggle, we are an awesome, tightly knit little family that can have real conversations about life and death and our fears. We have found a new respect in stepping back and letting each other work through our own things, and then coming together again to move forward. With death comes so much growth. New found strength. And all that hope and wishful thinking I had way back in 2013 is still there, it just maybe looks a little differently now.

My mom mothered us all the way to the end. She gave us a to do list. Just like when we were young and she had us do chores. Her list wasn't written, and some of it wasn't even verbalized to us. But she enabled us to live good lives. She gave us a good example. She fully expects us to keep living life the way we want, to be happy, to laugh our asses off like we did when she was here, to get together and have big, loud, messy meals. To go on little road trip adventures. To pop in to have tea with friends. To spend time at the farm. To spend summers down at the river. I asked her what she would think if Jesse and I moved in to her and dad's house on the farm, the one I grew up in, and she smiled, and said "Oh, that would make me so happy!" And we will, this summer. She wants it, we want it, my kids want it. She wants us to be patient. With ourselves. With everyone. She wants us to be happy. She wants us to move forward, always. Never hold back. To live. To love again. And to be happy to love again. The last thing she would want would be for any of us to feel sad, lonely, down. She would be the first to encourage us, stand us back up, dust us off, and get us going. Seek new friendships. New relationships. New beginnings. She warned that people will be quick to judge, but no matter what, they aren't experiencing what we are. And we can't let other's opinions bother us. Do what makes you happy. Its a sad reality, to know that someone suffering such a great loss will be judged by the very people who are supposed to be there to help them. Loss isn't easy. Grief is lonely. But if you are given a chance to be happy and feel a little better about day to day life, shouldn't you take it? My mom would be the first to tell you yes. Life is too short to feel bad.

We will always do the things that make her proud and happy. We pulled off her memorial service exactly how she wanted it to be. In her community that she loved so much. With the Native singers and drummers walking her in and out. With music she loved. The slideshow she wanted. With her best friends. With her grandkids and all the little kids in her family running around. (That was a rule, we were not to ask the kids to sit still...they're little, they love to run and laugh, and she loved to hear those laughs, so let them be.) And Halle, our little spitfire, walked up and down the aisle clicking her "high heels" on the concrete of the arena and a big smile while she wore her beautiful dress, she eventually joined the rest of the kids while they all ran around chasing each other, laughing and smiling. It was everything mom wanted. And exactly what we needed. We received hundreds and hundreds of hugs, shed tears, shared smiles, laughs, memories, and heartache. We really were blessed to have her. And we will be honouring her again.

July 16th, 2016 we will return to the Hillmond Arena, just as she asked us to, and we will have all of her people, all of our community gather there. She never drank, but she loved a good get together and a little two-steppin', so we booked a band. We will have some food and drinks, share laughs and memories, make new ones and we will celebrate. She wanted to give back to her home, because they gave to her. She was so grateful for the fundraiser our community put on to help four of its' families in need. And she was worried about not being able to pay them back. So this is what we came up with. We will put together this party for her, we will put up a silent auction, and we will give the money raised to the Hillmond Arena. She wanted that. And we have to do what she asked us to do, because she was the boss! And we love our home, and couldn't be more proud of our community, or thankful for their love and support. Mom was a giver, not a taker, and was never one to be the centre of attention - unless she was winning a dice game... point is, she loved to have fun and loved seeing people happy...so thats the theme.

If you want to join us, please do, we will be putting out more info as we get closer to the date. Any ideas for silent auction items are welcome.

I hope that this post brings you some sort of comfort, or maybe a little guidance, or a little different view on grief and those facing it. It isn't easy, and no matter how many people we are surrounded by, it is lonely. And it is something we can only get ourselves through. Its about learning how to be ok without your mom, your spouse, your child...whomever your loss was. Your loss looks and feels different from mine, and there is no time frame on when to "get better" or recover...we will never recover our losses. We will just learn to live without them. It will take years. There will always be reminders of them, always moments where we wish they were here, and little moments where we realize they still are here. They will always send us signs to show us they are with us. It might not get any easier any time soon, but it will slowly get better. Being with someone for your entire life and watching them move through their journey is beautiful and scary. I watched my mom slowly move farther away from me, I saw the signs for years, and it took a long time for her because she was strong, she was determined. She taught us so much in the last two years with out having to say a word. We learned so much from her, about life, we learned about our family and how strong our relationships can be, we learned that when faced with an barricade we will be able to get through it together. We learned that we are strong. As individuals. As a family. We grew so much closer to each other in that time we spent at the hospital. We broke down. We stood up. We really came together. Families are an incredible gift, and we really did luck out. We had family and friends from all over come to the hospital. They brought food, magazines, coffee, we played crib out in the hall, they spent hours in the room with mom, with us, we took over the kitchen and made waffles and bacon, we gathered together because of mom. And we will always do that. Because that is what she wants.

My Momma

2013-11-13T11:50:00.001-07:00

My mom is my everything. She is my rock. My support. My biggest fan. I love her with the deep, unconditional love that I love my children and husband with. The kind that burns in your chest, and leaves you breathless. I have always admired her. When I was little, she was home with us kids, and that left such an impression on me. A lot of my friends were lucky enough to have their moms at home with them, and some had moms who worked very hard out of the home. When I was little I knew I wanted to be like my mom. I may not be as sweet, kind, and soft spoken as she is, but I am able to be at home with my kids...just like she was for us. I do the same things she did with me, with my boys. We bake, clean, make experiments, play outside, cuddle for movies...and so much more. Mom was always there for us, and if she needed some quiet time, she told us. She would send us outside to play, which on the farm, was the best. We would jump bails, ride bikes, walk along the top rail of the wooden fence trying not to lose our balance, we would dig tunnels in the snow-filled ditches, go tobogganing, mow grass in the summer, play in the corn in the garden...and she would be busy cleaning, baking, making supper, or maybe she would sneak in a quick rest. She did pretty well at managing four kids.

It's always a shock when you are told someone has been diagnosed with a disease. The shock stays with you for days, even weeks, maybe it never goes away. I think the shock is intensified when its a parent. In September, we were told mom has a tumor on her liver. We were told that it was connected to the main artery in her liver. We were told that it was inoperable. We were told that after six months her health would start failing. We were told that mom would be put in palliative care. We were told that mom was removed from the liver transplant list. We were told.

Well, if you know our family, we can't be "told" much. We are pretty strong-willed, strong-headed people. And we didn't like what we were being told. We felt let down. how could five or so doctors sit around a table and read over mom's file, and discuss for hours if she had any options, and then come out with nothing? Well, except this pill...but it didn't really guarantee anything other than a lot of pain, and countless other side-effects.

We had a family meeting. We discussed options. Options OUT of Canada. We were lead by family friends, to a doctor down in Phoenix, AZ. And I am so glad we were. Mom and dad called him and filled him in on our situation. He wanted to meet with them immediately. So days later, they flew down. They were greeted with open arms, they were instantly being put through tests, scans and, wait...a biopsy? A biopsy! How wonderful, after all, biopsies tell you exactly what you are dealing with!
We didn't get the chance to have a biopsy done in Edmonton...they didn't particularly see the need for it.
What we learned, was much better news than what we were told back home. We learned that yes, mom had a tumor on her liver, but it was NOT attached to the main artery. We learned that she IS OPERABLE, we learned that there ARE treatments available.
We were given HOPE.

As you can well imagine, this has been a rollercoaster ride, and we are well aware that this is just the beginning. But we are so hopeful, grateful, ad staying as positive as we can.

It is hard. It is hard knowing that mom has cancer. It is hard knowing that she will be going through surgery to have a transplant...when? We don't know yet. But we are hopeful that it is soon. It's hard knowing that my parents have had to uproot themselves from their beautiful home, and leave their old farm dog there, to be miles and miles away from all of us. It is hard to know that my little boys and my three little nieces won't be seeing mom as often as they all need to over the next weeks, months, whatever it will be. We will be doing our best to go down and see them, be with them, and just enjoy each other.

But this, this will all be worth it in the end. Imagine, a new liver, a new lease on life, a new energy that will come to my mom! She will be here to see her grandbabies, she will be here to grow old with my dad, she will be here to have US cook Christmas dinners, Thanksgiving dinners, Easter dinners for her...we will learn all her tricks in the kitchen and perfect her bun making skills, we will still have HER. She will be the matriarch of our family in the same way her mother was...always a quiet, calm, strong force in the room, always on the verge of a laugh, always ready for a hug.

I can't tell you the state of shock we all went in to after having this news put on us. For days, I cried. For weeks, I barely talked to anyone except my family, just trying to process it. And it was that quiet, sad time I needed to get moving. To get to being POSITIVE. Am I nervous? Yes. Am I determined? Yes. And for those moments where others don't feel "up for it" I will try to pull strength from within myself and give it to them. I will try to uplift them. I will always look to the positive.

We have learned an approximate cost on receiving a liver transplant, and it is beyond our means as a family, although we will still do whatever it takes to get this transplant for mom. We humbly signed up on www.youcaring.com/annsliverforlife and started a donation site for mom and dad. With in the first ten minutes we had $1200 and I looked at mom and started crying. She cried. We were speechless. We found a new hope. The amount keeps going up, bit by bit, each day. And we have a ways to go, but we feel we will get there.

It was heart-wrenching to learn that a price was basically put on mom's life. But we have an incredible back-bone of support from our friends/family/community and they are bound with determination, love and support for our family. Any time someone in our community has been in need, we have gotten together, had fundraisers, shared laughs, tears, memories, and have made our sense of community that much stronger. I love my small town of Hillmond, Saskatchewan. And the neighboring communities surrounding it, who also reach out and help people in their times of need.

I would like to thank all who have supported our cause thus far. Whether it has been through positive thoughts, hugs, smiles, sharing the link to our donation page, setting up events, and donations of money, your support does not go unnoticed. Thank you for showing us you care, it means the world to us. Every single ounce of support helps.

Love to you all.

If you'd like to read more on mom's story, and keep up to date on her progress to health, please go to: www.youcaring.com/annsliverforlife

Words I never thought would come out of my mouth...

2013-04-10T13:57:00.001-06:00

As a mom of boys, you know that you will have to repeat yourself over and over, you know that you will have to raise your voice over the noise of two ninjas battling it out just so you can say "Supper is ready!". You know that you will have to wipe pee off the toilet...lid, seat, floor, wall (yes, wall...while potty training I made them sit to pee just in case they needed to do a number 2, and well...they forgot to "point" down. Haha)
You know that you will have to deal with stitches (sometimes on your sons' 4th birthday), bleeding noses, ridiculous hair cuts from their father, small fingers banged by a metal dump truck, eating sand...and countless more.
But somedays, I am literally BLINDSIDED by the words that just came out of my mouth. I gasp and think "Did I seriously just have to say that??"

(During bath time) "Boys! Do not fight each other with your penises!!"

"Get your finger out of your bum!" Boy yells something barely audible and I reply: "I don't care if you like that little hole. Finger OUT!"

"Stop eating your snot."

"Do NOT pee on the trampoline!!!" While naked boy jump naked and peed on the trampoline.

"Do not pee on your brother!!"

"Why are you both sitting on the toilet and peeing? Wait...How are you doing that?"

"Why do you stink? Is that...is that paper towel in your nose? How long has it been up there!?"

"Seriously? Do not eat the dog food. It's called DOG FOOD."

"Look at me...is that poop? It is. Isn't it."

"Good brothers don't punch each other in the face."

"Don't touch the dog there."

"Stop flying that helicopter in to your brothers head!"

"Do NOT ski down the stairs!"

These are just a few of the things I've said that made me think "Wow, I really did just say that." But there are countless more, and there are even more things I get to say everyday to these two munchkins...although the days get hectic, sometimes they feel long, sometimes they blow by so quickly; I will always take the time to tell them how much I love them, to the moon, stars, and back. How proud I am of them. How they are turning in to such bright, strong, loving, caring, funny young men. And even though we can all have bad days, it doesn't mean I love them any less...it just means there was a speed bump and we got over it together, and the next one will be that much easier. We are a team...always will be.

Keeping the Peace and the Pieces together.

2013-03-20T13:33:00.000-06:00

Trying to keep the little men occupied, busy, happy, comforted...while daddy is away working. These are the times where I need to be strong. Supportive. Encouraging. I need be focused and be the glue that keeps these boys; their hearts, their minds, their souls and spirits together, vibrant, golden. I need to be the spark in myself to get up each and every day and spill goodness and strength, overflow with joyous love for my kids, my husband and our lives. I need to encourage my husband, so that he can get through his 21 days of work, six hours away from us, in a camp. I know he feels solitude some nights. He lays there and feels the longing in his chest to be at home with us. I know, because I feel it too. I feel it for him, for myself, and for our boys. Night after night, day after day, I explain why daddy works away...not because he doesn't want to be home, because he does - and very badly. They need to be told that daddy doesn't want to miss out on things like birthdays, play school, swimming lessons...but he has to sometimes, and no matter what, if he is here or not, he is always very proud. And I send him pictures all the time, even though he doesn't see them right away, he always tells the boys how happy he is to see them doing so many fun things. There are days when the five minutes of FaceTime is just not enough. They are craving real hugs, kisses, and wrestling matches in the living room, they want to clean his work truck with him, hold his hand in a store, show him their crafts from the day. Sometimes that quick five minutes is a god send, where Jesse can magically pick up all the pieces of a day that spiraled out of control with tantrums, time outs, spats, and a haggard mommy. I do my absolute best to keep positive. To walk tall and proud and get all my chores done. When really I'd like to fall apart and cry into my pillow and release the stresses of parenting alone for weeks at a time. I wish for those moments where Jesse would be home and I could go have a bath or shower uninterrupted...where I could actually finish a cup of coffee before it gets cold, or spilled. A day where I could go, child-free, to the grocery store, or a hair appointment.
I have had days where friends or family have popped over unannounced and I have been mortified because I hadn't yet cleaned up breakfast dishes, combed my hair, or gotten the kids dressed. And I feel judged. Although, I'm sure they aren't judging...but I always assume I'm under scrutiny. Those days where the boys are acting up...and I instantly think that they see me as a spaz of a mother who's bad attitude is washing over her children. That's not the case. The truth is, you walked into our home in the middle of a long, three week shift where we are all tired, missing daddy, and feeling down. I am a little annoyed at people who presume that my kids are acting up because of me and my actions, and yes, I know 100% that parents affect their kids. But so does solo parenting. The lack of a father around the house causes more pain than you may know. And it affects MY home in a HUGE way...my husband is a devote father and husband, who rarely takes time for himself. Aside from the odd beer with friends, he does nothing. I bought him an ice-fishing shack for Christmas and its still in wrapping paper. I've told him, begged him, encouraged him to go on a trip with his buddies...he won't. So when someone who is such a positive reinforcement of love & discipline is gone, it hits us hard. The boys fall to pieces for the first four days after he's gone, as I try to get a home that had a whirlwind of a week with daddy home, back in order. When daddy is home it is all about him and the boys...we do everything together. Every. Thing. There's not much alone time for him and the kids, or for myself and him, or for just me, or just him...
The weeks he is gone are long, we struggle, but we look at it day by day, and get through it, sometimes barely, sometimes with flying colours. We have days where we excel as a little team of three, and days where we don't. Days where they boys listen and act perfectly, and days where they don't. Days where I am patient and days where I'm not. And boy do I ever feel bad when I'm not. I always feel like I'm not quite good enough...like I'm not quite doing the job and being the best mom my boys could ask for. This is where Jesse comes in...he always has the right words to say to the boys. I feel I can't quite word things the way he can. I guess that happens when you are constantly trying to talk the little people up, teach them to be kind, solve their little (big) arguments, and are working around the clock. I know that these years are short, and I try to relish in them, and take pictures, and remember funny stories they tell me, and feel their excitement, and hope that their sweet small voices will forever be etched into my memory...I try so hard to answer all the questions and pleas; why do we grow up, why do we die, where do we go, will we come back, I don't want to grow up, I always want to be your little boy...it's exhausting...and fulfilling. But that stuff takes two. I need that support, where when I'm slipping and feeling a little overwhelmed, I need that extra little push, those small words of encouragement that take a stressful, gloomy day and turn it around and make it a bright, happy day. I need to feel like I am not doing this alone. I know that I'm not "technically" doing this alone...but three weeks at a time gets lonesome and discouragement creeps up out of no where. It's overwhelming to think that I am the soul person caring for and in control of these little men, that every move, word, and step I take are plowing the way for these two little boys. That everything I do and say is moulding them into the grown men they will one day become. It is such a bright and glaring light to look in to. Every downfall and mistake I make burns me, makes me feel like I am doing them such an injustice, that they won't excel in certain things because of me, and what I couldn't provide for them. Because of what I lack. How do I teach them things that only a daddy can teach them? I feel like they are missing out on so much because I am one singular person and can't possibly be spread so far thin. And some days that is how I feel...and I have to try so hard to shake that thought, that I am not good enough. And that I deserve a break. And that I deserve to feel good about that break. I feel like I shouldn't leave their sides when Jesse is gone, because it's unfair that their daddy is gone away, so why should their mommy be away too? I went on a five day trip in February and I felt guilty the entire time. And I still do. I know how sad they are that their daddy is gone away for work, and I have to scoop them up and make them feel good about it.
I need to find some balance, and I will find it. We have been doing this for seven months, and can continue to do it. I just need to know that I have been doing this as best I can, and tripping and stumbling is normal, and its easy to get back up, wipe the dirt off and go on. I will continue to give hugs and kisses every day, I will sooth sick, scared little boys at night, I will go through days of little to no sleep, days of cleaning, grocery shopping, play school, play dates, swimming lessons, and I will do it all as best I can. And I will try not to feel an ounce of guilt when I need to picked up, dusted off and sent on my way. Being a parent is the absolute, hardest, most rewarding job out there. And if you don't have kids, you really, really will not understand. So be soft on your judgments. Be kind to little kids who are having a bad day because they cried at bedtime for their daddy to come home...they aren't bad kids. They aren't being brats. They are sad. They feel lonely for their daddy. They don't need a time out, or a spanking. They need a hug. They need to be told that its ok. That daddy will be home soon. And that they are good little people. It breaks my heart when my kids are acting out because they don't know how to express how much they miss their dad. And I have to try and remain calm, keep my frustrations at bay, and calm them down, while teaching them how to properly show emotions. That its ok to cry, it's not necessary to be mean, and that talking is the best thing you can do when you're sad. Then reaffirm all that with hugs and a long cuddle. Kids are so delicate. Why do we want to harden them?

My boys have their calendars marked for the day daddy comes home. They stand on a chair, get a pen and make an "X" and tell me its almost time. All the while, I try to make it enjoyable, productive and comfortable for them. We build forts, paint pictures, do crafts, tell stories, they have chores, we clean up, walk the dog, and just BE. We try to keep things as normal as we can while daddy is gone. And we try not to be sad that he is working away, we try to stay positive. (Not easy, but we try.)

My New Year's Resolution

2013-01-10T20:19:00.001-07:00

Its been too long since I last blogged...not sure why. Sometimes life gets away on us, and it reminds me to slow down. Take some time. Reflect. Soak it all in.

Over the holidays, I tried my best to keep the gifts down to a minimum. I have seen so many people spoil their already spoiled children. I'm not saying they are "bad" kids or "bad" parents for doing so...it just gets a little grotesque.

My kids are far from perfect. And I try my hardest to deal with poor behaviour properly and constructively. However, my kids would NEVER hit, bite, or scratch an ADULT. They haven't even done that to other kids - minus the hitting part. I get that kids hit. But it needs to be stopped. Ellis and Jenner are both firecrackers. They are both busy. They keep me on my toes. They keep me on edge. They keep me sane. They keep me. In their little hearts. That's where I am. And I try everyday to wade through my own BS and show them how to be good people. And some days I fail. Some days I want to give up. But most days, they are good, kind kids. I will never forget whe Ellis raised his voice at me in front of my closest friend, and she turned around and said "Don't you speak to your mother like that in front of me!" And that little bull-headed four year old raised his voice at HER. Well, that was it! As stubborn as he is, she kept at him CALMLY and would NOT be pushed around by a child. And I intervened when I could (I was driving) and reaffirmed what she was saying. And I had to ask him several times to apologize to her. He forgot how. And I kept on him, and so did she. And finally he said sorry. And he meant it. He loves her. She doesn't take any shit from any kid. And my kids STILL love her. This goes to show, that even if you don't spoil your kids until your house is cramped full of toys, that they will still love you.

We can buy our kids anything they want. But we DON'T. Because that is not the point of LIFE.

Life is about learning. Loving. Growing. Respect. Exploring. Playing outside. Cuddling. It's about PEOPLE. Family. Friends. Quality Time with those you love.

I am putting this out to the universe. I do NOT want more TOYS for my kids. I will get them toys for their birthdays. ONE toy each. I might get them clothes. And Christmas, Santa is the one who puts gifts under our tree. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, friends - save your money. Do not dump toys on us. I feel like toys are useless gifts that get played with for five minutes and fought over for three.

Up until Christmas morning there was no gifts under our tree. Every single person who came to our house asked "Where's all the presents!!??" Astounded that there were none.
I said "Santa brings the presents".

And on Christmas morning, he did. And there were TEN. Four for each kid, and two to share. There was clothing, a couple toys and play dough. And the damn playdough is my saving grace EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Have you ever been at home with your kids, and one of them says some rude remark that a smart-ass adult would make, and you actually catch yourself having a little chuckle? Now, has that same child ever said that same way-too-old-and-cheeky-for-a-child-remark in front of another adult? Have you ever noticed that adults reaction?

I really don't that our generation, and the ones following us, are actually putting in the parenting time they should be. A lot of us use sitters, nannies, day homes - and that's absolutely fine because its a necessity that both parents work in most households. I know there are damn good people out there who watch our children for house. But there are also low quality caregivers. There's even low quality parents. I just can't fathom being a parent that doesn't use time outs, or doesn't use some sort of discipline. And I don't mean the biting or hitting them back kind of parenting. Because THAT is not parenting, that is bull shit. That teaches them nothing. Well, no, it teaches them revenge. I have seen so many parents say "Do you want me to do that to you?" and then they do. And every time, I bite my tongue. Biting your kid doesn't make them stop biting. Giving your kids toy after toy after toy, doesn't make them less spoiled.

Say no once in a while. Put them on a time out. Allow them that time to reflect on their errors. If they don't understand it now, they will later. They will be better little people for it. Consistency. That's was they need.

We need to respect our kids, we need to give them the skills to be GOOD, honest, hard-working people. Not little brats that no one wants to be around. My kids will tell me if there are kids they don't want to play with. And it's because of their behavior. If my four year old and two and almost three year old can see that some kids aren't the type of kids they want to be around, what do you think other adults will think of them?

I really hope we can all open our eyes soon and see that we don't need to spend money on our kids for them to have a good life. I hope I have the strength to do that. How easy is it to buy a little toy car just to make your kid happy while you're trucking around a cart full of groceries at Superstore? Why not let them have their fit, and talk to them, explain to them that there is a difference between wants and needs. We NEED these groceries in this cart, so that we can eat and be healthy. We WANT that toy car because we like things that are shiny and new, but we already have ten different versions of that car, so we don't need it.

My kids have TWELVE flashlights. Twelve. I've never bought them one. They have more flashlights then I do, because I figure I don't need any, since they have more than they need. I can't even begin to guess how many toy cars they have. Or stuffed animals. Or holiday socks. Or clothes.

I like productive toys - like colouring books and playdough, or puzzles. But we have MORE than enough of that stuff to last us over the next three years.

So what do my kids need?

Love
Affection
Encouragement
Understanding
Support
Self-Worth
People Skills
Manners
Confidence
Strength
Pride
Humour
Balance
Humility
Dignity
Knowledge
Will
Obedience
Respect
Faith
Experiences

That's just to name a few. Not one "thing" was on that list. And I hope to keep it that way. And it is going to be SO hard. And there will be days that I know I will eat my words. But I am going to try as hard as I damn well can to stand by it.

Over the next little while, I will be picking through the boys stuff with a fine-toothed comb. Items that are duplicates, useless to them, or they no longer use will be donated.
I will also be implementing a no-buy rule for family and friends. A gift I, myself, will be giving to my children, nieces, and friends' children, will be money. Five or ten dollars for their birthdays. And that is something I will accept for my kids. But NO MORE.
They can let their little bank accounts grow. And when they head to college they can have access to it. Or if they want to buy themselves a used vehicle one day.

I am going to give my kids experiences and create memories around TIME SPENT with family, as opposed to MONEY SPENT on stuff.

Welcome to 2013, a big shift is coming, in more ways than one. And it is going to be awesome!

Gravity

2012-03-28T14:53:00.000-06:00

In life, we have constants, that one person who is always there...sometimes quietly in the background, sometimes cheering us on loudly. That one person who pulls, or pushes us in the right direction. That one person who you look towards for strength, support, advice...or just that silence. You know, the silence that is so calming, so relaxing...so full of love.

In my life, I have a large group of these "constants" ... my parents, siblings, grandparents, and friends.

This past Monday night, I lost one of the most constant in my life.

For almost 32 years, my grandpa was my buddy, my neighbor, my hero. He will always be my hero...and a nation's hero. I can proudly say, that this man passed peacefully, the way an old soldier deserves to. With dignity, with peace, with comfort...in his sleep. And you can guarantee he was dreaming of his loving wife, his partner for over 67 years. The woman he vowed to love, till death do them part. And he did, with all his might. They were an amazing team, raising a family of four children, struggling through life, the victories, the losses, the injustices, the celebrations. They lived long, they lived healthy, they lived true.

They vowed to do everything together, and that they did. They are the finest example of love. The finest example of marriage. The finest example of friendship, strength, and devotion.

I grew up in the same yard as grandma and grandpa, and I truely feel every child should be that close to their grandparents. My sister and I would walk down the little driveway leading directly from our house to theirs. We would go in for visits and have juice, grapefruit...and I always made sure to sneak a handful of peppermints. They were my favourite, and grandpa's too...he even had a little container that he kept in his car for those drives in to town every Friday. Sometimes our walks down would turn in to day long visits, and lead in to sleepovers, where they would pull out the bed on the settee in the living room, just so we could fall asleep while they watched tv. In the mornings, we would wake up when they did, and the table would already be set for four. Each place had a plate with a bowl on top, fork, knife, spoon, and a glass for orange juice. Special K was the cereal, and grapefruit with sugar was the fruit. I will never forget those times.

Life was so good. So simple. Grandpa looked after his love as best he could. He made a life for her in Canada, and she is so proud of him for it.

My grandparents met on a blind date and have been together ever since. Young love, a war bride from England and a Canadian Soldier. We literally would not be here right now, if it wasn't for them.

I gush with pride. My heart is aching to see my pops again. He was at every music festival, every Christmas concert, every 4-H Expo I was involved in. He was a constant, like gravity, he grounded me when I needed to be, he straightened me out when I went of track, he told me countless stories of WWII, he taught me how to play crib, he held my babies, he laughed with them and always sang Amazing Grace to them. He has no idea how important he was to me, and how highly I spoke of him to others. He was my hero. My friend. He was my Pops, and I am so happy that he helped make me who I am today.

He was an honorable man. He was a truthful man. He was a gentleman. He had such a great sense of humour. All the way until the day before he passed.

He had been in the hospital for a week and one day before he passed. And my sister and I made every effort we could to see him, to either take grandma there, or back home. The day he went in to emergency, I went in to visit him. The second I walked in he should his head, wearing his little smirk on his face, and said "You're the last person I wanna see!" and he gave a good chuckle. I laughed and gave him a kiss on the cheek, and he bullied me away with his arm as usual. He was such a good guy, always joking and teasing. He asked how I was and how the boys were. He loved seeing his great grandkids.

He and I had this little thing we have done for years, where we make a fist and stick out the knuckle of our middle fingers as far as we could, and we'd knock the together...he used to do it hard to me, and it would hurt! But I would always make out like it didn't. Every time I visited him this past week, we did that. Because that's what we did. Even the day before he passed, I stood by his bed, stuck out my knuckle and said "Wanna give me a shot old boy?" and he said, "I'll give ya one last go." It was a hard one, and I really acted hurt, his eyes looked as though they felt bad, and he said "Did I hurt you?" I laughed and said no, and asked if he was hurt, his reply, as he shook his head was, "Nope, you can't hurt me!" He was beaming, had that little spark in his eyes. Even though he was 12 days shy of his 91st birthday, he was young at heart. That's what kept him going. He was an incredibly healthy man until the night he passed. Just a few things over the last year that slowed him down.

After a long life of hard work, he really deserves his rest. I know that he will be here, watching over me, the way he'd watch my sister and I play in our yard on hot summer days. From a distance...

I love you Pops. You were a good man, and there aren't many like you around. I'm sad to see you go, but I promise to look after Grandma the way you did. She deserves to be looked after.

Rest peacefully. At ease.

Remembrance Day

June 2010
Grandpa Harold with Jenner
the oldest Noble and the youngest Noble, 89 yrs between them

Grandpa Harold, 19 years old

December 5, 1944

February 2011
Photo Credit: www.pictureitperfect.me

There it is...that little twinkle in his eyes and smirk on his lips.

September 24, 2011 down at the river, celebrating Ellis & Addy's birthdays
He spent the day beaming.

Singing to my baby Jenner on his first birthday.♥

January 2012, Halle's birthday...these two are such good sports!

Gramps was wrapped around Halle's finger since the day he laid eyes on her.

This one makes me cry...knuckles...what you can't see is his smile.
What you can't hear is his laugh as he does it. I miss you so much Gramps.

Love, Tears and Bobby-pins

2011-09-07T00:04:00.001-06:00

Big G

My Grandma Clara passed away on August 5th. As hard as it is still, I am happy for her. She has been "ready to go home" for at least a year now. It's hard to picture the rest of my life without her, as she has been such a strong presence in it for almost 31 years. But, I will try to do her proud and let her spirit live through me.

I am going to miss her smile, hugs, jokes, long talks and walks. She was such a strong, beautiful woman; unbelievably proud and overflowing with love.

She led an honest life, accepted others as they were, never passed judgement, never raised her voice, and always made you feel as though you were important.

Our family has had an ongoing joke for years, where we all say "I'm her favourite". And she would say, to your face, "You're my favourite." And if you were to look in every single birthday card of every single family member, it says, "To my favourite Grand Daughter" or grandson, or whatever you were to her. It's such a simple little thing, but it made us feel awesome!! And still does.

Big Grandma (who wasn't big physically, but had the biggest heart ever) was the head of a family of over 100 members. She left a legacy behind her. She set a fine example for each and every one of us. She had an extremely special relationship with each and every one of us. And she made all of us feel as though we were the most important, special person in her life. The moment she saw us, her eyes lit up, her smile lit up and her hands came out to cup your face as we gave her a kiss. "I love you" were always the first and last words from her mouth when we visited. I still hear her soft voice. I miss it. And over and over, I tell myself, this is life, things change, people come and go, and all you can do is cherish each moment.

I think of the many losses she had in her life. Years and years of losing her loved ones. She out lived children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, her husband, sister and many friends. She always found comfort in knowing they were with God. And she missed them dearly, but looked forward to the day she would reunite with each and every one of them.

She was a devoted woman. Devoted to her husband, Grandpa Gerry, who had passed away over 30 years ago. Never did she love another man. She was his wife, and only his. I couldn't imagine how lonely she must have felt. But she surrounded herself with so many good people, came to every family function, felt the joy in holding a new baby and allowed these things to fill the void. She was amazing. She really was.

I have hundreds of fond memories of Grandma...spending the night at her house, baking bannock, picking berries, feeding chickens, getting eggs, feeding horses...everything was so simple. It was all so fun, so happy. I don't remember every feeling sad when I was around her...I don't remember fighting with my siblings or cousins around her. She had this calmness and peacefulness around her and there was no need for negativity.

The morning of August 5th, I woke up with a strong feeling that I needed to go see Big Grandma. She had been in the U of A hospital in Edmonton since the day before because of a broken hip. I just had that sinking feeling. I knew that this was it, as I'm sure many of us did. I called my dad and said I wanted to go see her, he said he'd come with me later on that day. While we were on the phone, the other line beeped and he was told by my mom that she was going. She wasn't strong enough for surgery and had suffered a severe heart attack earlier that morning.

My dad and I ended up traveling together to the city to be with her, my mom and aunt. This was it. We had a good trip, and just kind of let the fact that Grandma was going sink in. I caught myself tearing up a few times and praying "Please wait for me Grandma, please wait." I had so much I wanted to tell her.

We pulled up to the hospital and walked in to find her in her room. I had a very nervous, uneasy feeling...I was scared, and didn't know what to expect.

We walked in to her room, I saw my mom and asked "How is she?" she came towards me with tears and said "Not good." We cried and hugged, and I said firmly, "It's OK, this is OK."

I sat by Grandma's bed, held her hand, hugged her, kissed her, told her I loved her, told her I was so happy she got to show my babies how much she loved them, told her it was ok to go to heaven, told her I was so grateful to have her as my grandma.

I took a deep breath, and that familiar sense of calm and peace came over me. I didn't let go of her beautiful, soft, hard working hand. I started to sing to her. I sang "Angel" by Sarah McLachlin. We spent the next couple hours trying to keep her comfortable. We talked and laughed and let her know we were with her.

I grabbed her hand one last time and started to sing "If I Needed You". She squeezed my hand, and before I was finished the first verse, she went. So peacefully.

Minutes later, more and more family members came in to the room. They has all been traveling as quickly as they could to get to Grandma. We all just wanted to be there for her as she had been there for us. We ended up having an apple juice toast to her, her beauty, her strength, her courage and legacy. We really did celebrate her life.

I am so blessed to have been at her side when she passed. It was such a beautiful experience. I hope to be there for as many people as I can when they go. I think it as just as important to let someone go out of this world with open arms as it is to welcome them into this world with open arms.

Death is a beautiful as birth, because it's a rebirth. I find comfort in that.

That night, the sky was black, it seemed as though there would be a storm coming. And we began the 2 1/2 hour drive home. We pulled in to a gas station off the highway to fuel up. I drove mom, and my dad drove my aunt. We were all so exhausted and commented on how dark it was out. We headed back towards home and almost instantly the Northern Lights came out and literally lit the highway all the way home. It was pretty incredible. We new it was Grandma looking out for us, as she always has.

Over the last four weeks I have cried on and off. I have spent hours and hours curled up in one of the many blankets Grandma had made. I feel her around me. I feel that calm. That peace.

I've also noticed bobby-pins. I've found about six. And i makes me giggle...Grandma always had a little bobby-pin in her hair. I've found them at the top of my stairs, on ein my bathroom, one at the mall entrance, Jenner found one under our coffee table, and even one in my key bowl.

I like that she keeps leaving me little reminders of her. I hope she continues to do so. I hope to visit with her in my dreams.

I love you Grandma Clara. Thank you for being such a big part of my life.

After this short little walk last summer, she came upstairs and had tea with Jesse and I.
We talked for hours about the old days.
One of my most favourite memories.

Father, Husband, Best Friend

2011-06-19T21:41:00.001-06:00

It's been almost a month since my last post...I've been soaking up the outdoors daily with my boys, tossing them in the chariot and going to bike rides. My neighbor and I have gone together, and my sister along with her girls. Best exercise ever! There's nothing like pulling over fifty pounds of toddlers behind ya to get the old heart rate going!

We have been spending so much time outside, the weather has been most favourable...excluding the last week...rain, rain, rain. But, I love it! Everything looks so lush and full!

Watermelon, kiddie pool and sunshine. Need I say more?

Over the last few weeks we have also been spending lots of time with Josie, Halle and my sister. The kids love it. We enjoyed a day at Bud Miller Park where there was face painting, bounce houses, obstacle courses, wagon rides, balloons, miniature horses pulling chariots, train rides...it was awesome!

We wore the kids out, Jesse even had the day off to come and join us. It was a blast!

Halle was so adorable getting her face painted

Pretty flower!

Bounce house heaven

Puppy and E-Man ready for the train ride!

Snack time!

That's right, a kick-ass day, makes for a kick-ass smile!

Snacks and a rest!

Weeeeeeeee!

Potato Sack race! This girl rocked!

Babies, grass, and sprinklers!

Mommy's make up...

All of these pictures make me smile, they warm my sometimes cold heart, they remind me of summer as a kid, they remind me of the ridiculous amount of love I have for my family.

I am enjoying every get together as much as possible, I love spur of the moment trips to the park or visits from friends. Summer is so good!

Another thing I am enjoying more and more is my husband. (Now don't get your minds in the gutter, here!)

In three days, we will have been married for four years. We will have been together for nine.

It seems so crazy to me, that the man I met nine years ago in Calgary is now my loving husband, and adoring father to my children. Still, to this day, we will sometimes look at each other say "How did we get here!!??" Not in a bad way...just in a bit of disbelief, that we turned our lives into this...this awesome thing. Where we wake up every day and get to hang out with these two cool little dudes. Where its not the just the two of us anymore, its the four of us. Where we would give anything to make sure our children are happy and loved.

I look back over the last almost-decade and think of the highs and lows, and I don't regret one thing. I don't regret my mistakes or his. They have made us who and what we are today.

Watching you grow and change has been pretty impressive...from the care-free to the responsible one. Your priorities and role in life have shifted to father of two and husband. I adore you. I adore how the boys look up to you. Every day, when Ellis gets up from his nap, he says, "Yook mommy, I dus like daddy!" as he struts out of his room with his shirt off. I listen to how he talks to Jenner, with such gentleness, telling him he can climb on to the couch, saying "It's ok buddy, you can do it!"

I love how you are so encouraging to them and myself. I love how you are their biggest fan. And I love how you are still my best friend.

I honestly, truly meant it when I repeated my vows to you at our wedding. From the bottom of my heart...and I know you did too, even though we kept giggling at each other and our J.P. had to remind us that "this is a wedding". You still make me laugh.

I loved our Palm Ceremony. I wish I could upload the picture of us looking at each other's hands...

These are the hands of your best friend

Young and strong, and vibrant with love.

These are the hands

That will work along side of yours,

As together you build your future,

As you laugh and cry,

As you share your innermost secrets and dreams.

These are the hands that will hold each child

in tender love, soothing them through

Illness and hurt; encouraging them along

The way and knowing when it's time to let go.

These are the hands that will love you

And cherish you through the years,

For a lifetime of happiness.

I loved that, and still do. It has held so true. I could not picture my heart in someone else's trust. I never want to think of the day where we will not be together. I want to stay just as we are, with our boys, always laughing, always hugging, always there.

You have amazed me, you have shown me a part of my heart that I never knew existed, and as the years go on, I find that my heart seems to grow, I feel more.

Thank you for being a great father, husband, best friend.

Thank you for sharing your heart with me.

Happy Father's Day, Happy Anniversary.

Thank you for this day...

And this day...

And this day!

My heart will be your shelter,

My arms will be your home

We will walk together through life

As partners and best friends.

As it is...

2011-05-22T11:28:00.000-06:00

So, I have been unbelievably confused, torn, up and down and all around regarding WORK. I am at the point where I feel I need to get out of the house...some days it's like if I leave the house, I will need to be drug back in kicking and screaming.
And some days, I can't stand the thought of leaving my children. Not even for a second.
We have all been there, as parents, we have all struggled, especially as mom's. We want what is best for our babies. So, in my eyes, what is best for my kids, is me...being there, present, ever present in their lives. There for every bed time, bath, snack, story, movie, popcorn making, hot chocolate, owie, kiss, hug, tantrum...all of it.
For our home, daddy is working. All. The. Time. He rarely gets more than two hours a day with is boys. And it is hard. So I feel that one of us should be a constant in their lives. I also feel that a little time away is good...you know, a date night or weekend, where someone comes to our house and looks after them, in their home. Especially at the age they are at right now. When they are older, they can go have their sleepovers at their grandparent's, with their cousins or a friend.

I set myself up, in a way...I was so ready and positive and willing to back to work...and the second I started I felt un-easy...but still happy. Its hard to explain.
But you know when you have days where you are working and cleaning and trying to get caught up at home and dealing with grouchy kids and everything seems so hard? Add that on to a work day...and it just wasn't for me. Not yet.

I had a great conversation with my sister and cousin...who are all stay at home mom's...my cousin, who was a teacher before, now runs a day home out of her house. And power to her, because I could never do it! I chose to have two children, because that is what is manageable and enjoyable for me.
My sister is the same way. Although she can handle it, it is not her preference.

So what do you do when you feel you need to contribute financially? And what is more important right now?

One...my kids. They are always at the top of the list. If they need me, then I will be there.

Our conversation was about just that. This is our life, right NOW. THIS is where we are at, and where we need to be. THIS is temporary. And in a few years it will all be different. But for now, lets just settle in and enjoy our children. Enjoy taking them to the park, swimming, having them in activities...this is the most important time, and it is so short, and we have to make the best of it and mold our little people into well rounded people. When they are older, I hope they will share the same fond memories of being at home with mom. My mom was there for us, we learned so much, had so much fun, spent our days baking, playing, doing yard work, cleaning and helping neighbors do all of their work too. I remember spring cleaning, when my mom would have Aunty Gail and Aunty Marie come over and in a day or two the whole house would be sparkling and smelling so fresh and clean. They would wash walls, carpets, floors, above the kitchen cupboard where all the old tea pots and bowls were placed...there wouldn't be a spec of dust. Not a spec. And over the next several days, off we would go, first to Aunty Marie's house to clean floor to ceiling, then over to Aunty Gail's to do the same for her. What a system that was! They had so much fun doing the spring cleaning. I think my sister and I should do that together with a couple other friends...after all, we had a blast painting our house!

My mom always says that when we were little we "lived within our means, we got what we needed, not what we wanted." I am going to try my best to do that...yes I want to work, yes I want pretty clothes and nails and nice hair...but I need to be home with my boys, I need to fulfill their needs, they need me, I need them and Jesse needs us. So here we are...firmly planted, and very happy. I could spend hours thinking about things I would love to do, butt hen I would miss out on the things I get to do with my kids, my friends, my husband.

There is plenty of time in my life to do everything else, and I will do it when I can!

I am so grateful to Sarah and her family at Home Hardware for allowing me to test the waters and see what daily life would be like if I went back to work full time. I learned fast that my boys don't like to be rushed in the morning by a hectic mom, with make up applied to one eye, while drinking coffee, and cleaning up breakfast, and pulling pieces of porridge from little hair, and saying "Hurry up! We gotta go!"
They love their laid back mornings; momma sipping coffee, enjoying the beautiful sunshine on the deck, music in the background, playing peacefully, eventually having porridge and toast...and sometimes a sweet treat of hot chocolate with a little handful of marshmallows.

Why would I take that from them? Better yet, why would I ever, ever take that from myself??

Life throws you curves balls and teaches you lessons and gives you amazing gifts such as children...how on earth could I ever miss out on the sweetest little years of my babies lives? I go to sleep at night (So grateful that I get the chance to rest) but the last thought in my mind and the first thought when I wake up are my boys. I can't wait to hear Jenner bouncing up and down and squealing and laughing while he waits for me to open the door to his room, shedding fresh morning light on his sweet little, puffy-eyed, fresh from slumber face. His hair is always ruffled up over his ears, his big, somewhat toothless smile and sucked-in-threw-his-throat squeal of excitement when he sees me just about floors me. I melt as I reached of the crib to scoop him up, while he scrambles for Horsey and a soother....there's gotta be a soother here somewhere...and he leans into my neck and I give him the best hug I can give him before he squirms out of my arms and runs away saying "Hey-ooooo!" which is his version of 'hello".
All the while, he anxiously awaits the sound of his brothers little voice coming out from behind his bedroom door, "Mommy, where ahhhhhh you!?"

We wake up, we play, I get them milk, we eat breakfast and play some more. Some days we rush so we can get groceries or go to the park, but why would I rush that? Everyday?
Not for me. I want my boys to know that you don't always have to be in a big rush...being rushed is stressful. (Note to self: being rushed IS stressful...so no more rushing Jesse!!)

I love my life.

Huh...imagine that...I really, truly do love my life. Just as it is.

So honestly, thank you Sarah. Thank you so much, from myself and my family, especially my boys. You helped me, and allowed me to see the importance of being there for my boys, my husband, and myself. It taught me to see the beauty in my life...as it is. ❤

And now some pictures I took in the greenhouse at Home Hardware, an equally beautiful place to work...or just stroll around in and smell the flowers.

This new house is beautiful for people to go in - Ellis Smith, Age 2 1/2

2011-05-03T11:41:00.000-06:00

I agree with the title 100% and am thankful Ellis feels that way!
We've basically been in our house for a month now...it's been nothing but wonderful! We've had so many friends over, BBQ's, and Jenner's 1st Birthday! Its been everything we've hoped it would be! It truly s the perfect home for us and our family.
The boys have settled in nicely and have already made their own little routines...waking first thing in the morning so they can head out and play on the deck in their pajama's while I make breakfast. They run and squeal and jump and climb, I swear, they are the only kids in the neighborhood out that early, making that much noise! I'm thinking we will be having lots of breakfasts, lunches and dinners out on the deck.
When I was little, all we ever did was play outside...eat outside...everything was outside. And I have heard stories about Jesse eating breakfast on the front stoop of his parents' house in Thunder Bay, just waiting for other neighborhood kids to wake up and come out to play. I'm glad the boys love it out there...I can not wait to plant some trees, flowers, and make a little play area for the boys! We just need to finish the fence on either side of the house first!

Jenner's birthday party was awesome, we had over 35 people in our house...and it felt awesome. It was squishy, but cosy! It was loud, children were squealing and laughing, they were outside, downstairs, upstairs...it was perfect! I can't wait to have more crowds like that again! And can't wait for our Thunder Bay family to come visit again!

The awesome cake our friend Dani made. LOVED IT.

The birthday boy (always with a soother) clapping for his cake!

Since being in town we've spent some time at the park, which we all love. One day we met up with my sister and her girls, and we went on an adventure! It was so fun! We found Easter Bunny poop. For REAL! Josie was so incredibly excited that she came running through the path and out of the tree s and screamed "Ellllliiiiiissss!! It's Easter Bunny pooooooop!! Come seeeee!"

Here she comes!

Rolling down hills is, by far, the absolute most fun thing you could ever do! EVER!

Up and down, up and down, up and down!

We blew bubbles...the excitement in a child's face when they blow bubbles is so sweet to look at!

Brave Halle...showing us how to climb a rope ladder!

They did this countless times!

Our adventure! Follow the leader!

Jenner enjoying sand!

All of these pictures have made me think about my childhood, how much fun we had. How much love surrounded us. How stress-free life was.

I've been thinking so much about the past...never wanting to change anything, otherwise life wouldn't be what it is now. But I have just been relishing in it. Relishing in the way Jesse and I came together. Relishing in the lives of our little boys and our nieces. I can't help but open up the computer and look through the over 8,000 pictures I have and remember each moment as if it had just happened yesterday. I remember everything so clearly, every photo brings joy to my heart. I have hundreds of videos of the kids. I was just watching videos from when Jenner was first born, and I am so grateful that women were given the gift of growing and nurturing a child within ourselves. I only wish we possessed the strength to get over that hump, the six weeks after labour, and get our hormones back so that the darker times are few and far between. I remember staring down at Jenner and feeling so much love and joy but still some sadness. I don't know what about, or for what reason, and I don't care to know. I and just so pleased that I have gotten over that, moved on, and have been in absolute, heart throbbing love with my boys. All of them. My husband and our babies. (We have our moments, but I don't want to ruin this moment by thinking about them!)

I hope to spend years in this house, really make it our own. At first we figured it would just be a stepping stone to the dream home we've always wanted...but I have been having some pretty big dreams fulfilled in this house...and am seeing more come to life as the days go by. So maybe, we won't settle, but we will flourish in this house, just as we are.

And now, I'd like to bless you with our first family picture in this house...it's most flattering! And quite typical of us...

Also, a few more of my favourite pics from our new home so far....

Grandma Lil, squishing her face on the window, getting giggles out of Jenner

faking it

2011-04-13T14:22:00.000-06:00

OK, so some people have told me that they think I have my sh*t together...and to them I say thank you...but yes, I am faking it!
The times I actually have all my household chores done and sleeping children and time for relaxing are rare...but when they happen...you can bet I am posting that as my status on facebook; proudly showing off my abilities to be a good mama and wife. However, the other days, when I am run ragged, exhausted, makeup from the day before still pasted on my face (and pillow) I do not talk about it. Unless its to my friends. Anyone else must think that I have it all together!

Some days I don't get in a shower, let alone a washroom break. Some days I leave all of the dishes in the sink until bedtime, when I can fire them into the dishwasher, which I am in LOVE with! (I have never had a dishwasher)

Some days I can be a sweep-it-all-under-the-carpet kinda gal. Not necessarily a good thing, because I will apply that to every thing in my life. My feelings, my thoughts, laundry, etc...I will avoid it. But we all know how that goes...it builds and builds and builds until there is nowhere else for it to go but OUT! And boy, does it come out.

I am so fortunate to have a husband/best friend who understands me in that way. He always asks how I am, how my day was, and I attribute that to his awesome parents. They are the kind of parents who sit at the kitchen table with you during supper and have a conversation. An actual conversation. They joke around, debate, go back and forth...and after all is said and done, your plates are empty, your stomach and heart are full and you have no idea where the time went! It's so great to sit and be in their company. They believe in getting it all out on the table...no pun intended. They believe that if you have an issue you talk about it, sort it out, and move on. Don't dwell on it!
They are such great people and I find myself luckier and luckier everyday to be a part of their family. They are so similar to mine, that life with them involved is so natural.
My little men are very lucky too.

It's family like ours who make it easy to fake it. They are incredibly supportive and encouraging.

So thanks family...

mish, mash, mosh...a blog about lots of stuff

2011-04-13T10:31:00.000-06:00

Laura she gets me every time. With out fail. Knows exactly what I am thinking or needing. It must be the whole work-at-home-mom thing...
It seems no one understands the daily struggles we face, unless they too, are at home, surrounded by babies, laundry, dishes, hand prints on windows, food stuck on carpets (that were FRESHLY steamed) or the high pitched screams...oh those screams. Which are not always sad or hurt, but mostly from excitement. Still...they hurt my ears.

A few days ago, I needed out. Just for a while...just to breath. So at 8:30pm I went tanning (so did Laura), I went to Wal-Mart to get ideas for Jenner's first birthday. And I can not believe my little baby is going to be one. Sigh. One!! He acts like a 15 month old...stomps his feet when he wants something. Lays down, very slowly, rolls over and fake cries, or when he "falls" which is really just sitting on his bum quickly, he looks at me for a reaction...for a "Jenner! Oh no! Are you ok!?" It doesn't matter what reaction he gets, because if I so much as make eye contact with him, for a split second after he falls, he cries. Its' really quite humorous. The first time...the forty times afterwards...it gets a little old. And he also says "No-ee, no-ee, no-ee" All. The. Time.

Little monkey.

So anyways, I am out and about. I am kid-free, husband-free...I am feeling good! Then I get a phone call, with a wailing child in the background...a child who should have been put in bed. I think, no, I know, that my husband was trying to hint to me to come home and deal with it...but, man, cell service is crappy in those big stores! So, my phone cut out, and I kept on strolling around.

In Superstore, I met a nice lady...who was also an escapee for the evening! She was so bubbly, and happily packing groceries, and the second we saw each other, she smiled...and said "I haven't been home for five hours!!" I kind of laughed, then she said "I just got my hair done! I went shopping, then I came here! My husband is going to think I left him!"

A few days later, I got my hair done...NICE! So nice to just sit there, talk and be pampered. I have even gone tanning a few times since!

The boys are growing and enjoying our new space. We have been busy visiting with friends, running errands, doing laundry and dishes! The usual...but it has been really lovely.

The snow has melted, we are outside a lot, and I am dreaming of the moment I can get my hands on my yard! Well..not so much excited about picking up the neighbor's dog's poop...but I am excited to landscape it...plant trees, flowers...put down stones. So excited!

I am also very excited to be returning back to part-time work. The first week of May I will start at our local Home Hardware which is such a beautiful store. You can check it out on facebook! They have devoted themselves to making that store what it is today! It has the nicest garden centre in Lloydminster, and that is the truth! I can't wait to start!

Anyways...the boys...the apples of my eyes! And the bags under them...I love my boys!

These two are starting to play and squeal and LAUGH together. Its the sweetest little sound...I recorded it. But couldn't upload it! Grrr!

Every weekday morning, Ellis perches himself on the couch and watches for the school bus...he yells "Loooook mommy LOOK!! The fool bus! Hello fool bus! How are you today!? Ah you taking da kids to fool? Can I ride you when I am a beeeg boy?"
Then he waves and says "Bye little geeyoos and boys! Have a good day!"

Heart melting. His little voice and fuzzy little hair...

Then we go downstairs, to the secret room, and pay school.

This little guy has done so well with the move. He misses the farm. A lot. He talks about poppa's tractor, about the big trucks, he told me the other night that this house was not our home...it's just our new house...and that our home is at the farm.

It made me tear up, it kinda broke my heart...so the next morning we headed out to the farm for a visit. And just played outside with Josie and Halle. We payed in a puddle, and being the sweet little soul he is, Ellis asked me to help him make a stream so he could "set the water free". So we did. We dug with his shovel, and made a stream, and tried to empty the little puddle.

We did this for about forty minutes. He was so happy, and so muddy. It made his day. He still talks about it.
Like every boy he loves puddles...he tells me to drive through them..then he says "Uh oh! Now we gotta go to the cah wash!!!"

Hmm...this could get expensive.

But that day..I went through that puddle, I went through every puddle I could find and there was mud on all of the windows of the truck...and I had to go to the car wash.

Ellis LOVED it.

Jenner screamed in fear.

After supper, the little men had a bath...and later ran around naked...which they do every night after the bath...

I had to post a picture...because Jenner's little belly was so full! He looks like a little pot-belly piglet! Pink, rosy and chubby!

Don't worry...the picture is tastefully done!

See? Pot bellied pig syndrome.

A couple days after the visit to the farm, we went and picked up my Grandma Clara and brought her over for tea, supper, dessert, and more tea.

She was so happy, and loved watching Jenner run from room to room...while Ellis napped the afternoon away!

Jenner teases Grandma, just like his big brother does. He would run up to her, smile, then run away laughing, then circle around just barely teetering on one foot due to the speed of the turn, and he would run right back to her and rest his head on her leg. The second she rubbed his sweet little head, he'd shoot off again!

Grandma loved how his hair was stuck over his ear like this.

Yes. These boys keep me busy. And each other too. I am so glad they are starting to play together more. I always tell them they are best friends. And Ellis says "Yes. I luff Baby Junnah, and I luff mommy, and I luff doddy...we are all best fwends"

And we are.

a house becomes our home

2011-04-07T19:44:00.000-06:00

We did it! We bought our home. We moved in. And we couldn't be happier. Seriously...I don't know HOW we could get any happier...maybe the lottery? This place feels so good. It's so bright and lovely. I just want to run in it. Well, no, the kids want to run in it! I want to decorate it!!!

From the outside our house is plain-jane and looks somewhat small...but on the inside? This place is like a palace to me!! Before, it was brown inside....blech. Brown, taupe, dirt colours...not my thing! SO I repainted, with the help of great friends and Tim Horton's! It took four days to clean and paint the upper level.

First of all, the cleanliness of this place was not up to par. Anyone who saw it would have agreed. The previous owners did squat to clean it, which was depressing, because I just wanted to come into a clean, fresh house! After two days of cleaning...washing food off walls, removing the disgusting amounts of dirt from under the stove, fridge and even on the tops of the walls where the ceilings are vaulted, I felt better about it. The carpets were...um, well...I could have puked. They were filthy! So we paid $200 to get them steam cleaned and sanitized. Well worth it! They came out looking two shades lighter! Next time...if we ever buy a used home, it will be in the conditions that the places gets professionally cleaned. Our city has really let that slip. In any other city the houses are be expected to be spotless. And speaking to my friends who have bought and sold, bought and sold...they are. I think Lloydminster needs to step it up.

Anyways...after the grueling hours of cleaning, came the grueling (but entertaining) hours of painting. We went through countless coffee's and teas from Tim's, and spent time (probably more than we needed) standing around visiting! We got it done! And then, we moved in! My family rocks. And my husband's family rocks...and would have helped IF they lived near us!

So here we are...in our new home, Jenner in his OWN room and sleeping wonderfully! Ellis keeps saying "I like my new house!" Or when he sees the school bus (which stops right in front of our place) he says "Looooook!!! The Fool bus! I can ride it when I am a beeeeeeg boy! Right mommy!?"
Yes, baby Ellis...you can ride the fool bus. He's so cute.

These two boys have not stopped running! They have adapted incredibly well to our new surroundings! But mu husband...who was born and raised in the city, had a few sleepless nights, worried about whether the doors and windows were locked or not. He is sweet like that. He slept with Ellis the first couple nights...I think daddy needed that more than Ellis!

Slowly but surely we will get this house perfect...to say exactly what we want it to say about us...once I clean the dog poop off our lawn it will be better. Much better.
Did I mention we don't have a dog?

Anyways...here is the onslaught of before and after photos...

Kitchen before

Kitchen after (but before we moved in)

Entrance before

Entrance after

Master Bedroom, partially wall papered

My sister and cousin painting the family room

The kids favourite spot...

The Hideout, under the stairs

Life is good. Our family is happy. We've already had so many laughs in our home and are ready for more!
We are also looking forward to all of the company that is planning to come over the next months. It's going to be awesome!!

Good night. I have a wee man who wants to go to bed.

a wack of a good week!

2011-03-21T21:14:00.001-06:00

I still haven't started packing. But I have a really good excuse. It's my family's fault. We get possession in nine days! I still haven't settled on my paint choices, but have it narrowed down...I might as well blame them for that too! We have been having so much fun this week that I haven't just started packing, and decided on paint. Oh well!

I'm not feeling anxious about all of the work anymore, so thats good, I am just looking forward to moving in, settling in...and having family come over.

Our first gathering will be Jenner's first birthday, and I am so thrilled about it! I have a friend of my brother's who is going to bake Jenner's cake. (This is a huge deal if you know me...I love to do the cakes myself, from scratch, using my mom's recipe...but, I won't have time, so I am letting Dani work her magic!!)
The second, will be Easter. And if you are my family reading this...then here is your invite. Come to our home for Easter.

We've been so busy lately, Jesse has been working nights for a few weeks now, we've been visiting friends, and I purged out the baby stuff! Most of it sold, and the rest was donated! Big sigh of relief!

the morning of dad's birthday

we took the boys out on the sleigh

two cuties

jenner watching daddy

big brother pulling baby brother

mmmm, wiener roast on a beautiful winter's day

proud of their snow man

ellis and i made st. patty's day cupcakes

after all of the weeks' activities, it was necessary to fall asleep on daddy for an hour

This past week, we've had three birthdays we celebrated: Jesse's, dad's, and Grandma Clara's 90th! The weather has been a touch nicer...so we've been getting some fresh air, playing in the snow, all of the things we haven't been able to do because of the cold weather!

For Jesse we went out to Boston Pizza with our immediate family, usually, we have a big supper at home and I bake a cake, but somewhere amid the business of doing I-don't-know-what and Jesse working nights, I just didn't get it done. Next best thing...a restaurant. No cooking, no cleaning but we still had great company! Next year will be different handsome husband, I promise!

Dad's day was a great one...my sister came out with her family and we were outside enjoying the sun for a couple hours. We almost had to kibosh the wiener roast...as dad and my brother-in-law FAILED miserably at starting a fire...and once I saw the gas can come out...I took matters in to my own half-breed hands and started a nice little blaze in the other fire pit. Success. Wieners, marshmallows, hot chocolate, giggling children, and SUNSHINE made it an even greater success!

I spent the next couple days going through that baby stuff, sorting, organizing then selling and donating. I made a good enough amount to head to the city and spoil myself and the boys, and I bought all new dishes for the house! I went with a girlfriend of mine, with out children, and it was marvelous! We needed that...we had countless conversations where the only interruptions were our ridiculous laughter, cackles, snorts, etc. So fun. We felt so awesome, we hit the mall, went and ate, then headed to Ikea. We had our agenda, we stuck with it, and we got everything we wanted and more!

The day before that was Grandma's birthday, and it was such a good time...so many kids, so much family...mom's house was overflowing with the sounds of laughter, catching up, squealing from the kids and of course the amazingly delicious smell of the food...oh the food. Food is such a big deal at our family gatherings....it. was. a. feast.

I'm still full.

Although there was only a handful of us there compared to the usual family gatherings, Grandma was still so pleased. She was surrounded by most of her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and one great-great came. She is so lucky. She tells us that she is so rich because of all of the little people she has been blessed with in her life!

I see what she means.

All I can do is look back at this week and think how lucky I am to have such an incredible family. We rule. No really...we do. In a big way.

coming of age

2011-03-09T16:34:00.000-07:00

In the beginning, we are all just a thought.

Just a dream of someone's yearning for something new...that little twitch in the heart that tells you now is the time for change.

We are built by the hands of some higher power, someone watching over, carefully, so that we are constructed just the way we are meant to be. Our blue prints drawn out by our parents, we are masterfully manipulated in to the tiny little person who will carry our soul and spirit over this earth. And over 40 weeks, clenched in the tender grips of our mother's womb, we are protected, fed, nourished and loved until we make our first appearance, our first breath, our first hug, our first gaze into another's eyes. And from that moment on, we grow. We learn. We change. We evolve in so many ways...physically, emotionally, mentally. We grasp at the good and try to let go of the bad. We try to hold true to what has been instilled in us by our parents. We try to rationalize everything.

I am seeing this in my boys. Each as his own individual. Jenner, wandering around after his brother, but not a follower in the least. He is full of determination...the kind that all small children have. He exudes it in grunts and smiles. He is always taunting Ellis...grabbing at any and every toy Ellis places his hands on. Then they both squawk and squeal and get angry with one another. No matter what, one is crying in the end. We try to explain to both the importance of sharing, and try to interest them in other toys. But then the fight is on again...

Ellis, like every other two year old out there...he is adorable, compassionate, sweet, endearing, then show's you his "crazy eyes" and turns into a little rat. He will brush right up against Jenner, almost knocking him over. This is beyond frustrating. But this is how kids are. You take the good with the not so good. So, time outs are what we use. We take toys away. We show him the consequences when he is bad. Praise him when he is good.
He is also at the age where he is quite capable of doing certain things himself, but insists we do them. Like "I need Puppy. Go get him!" I say, you can go to your room and get him Ellis and he shrieks back "Nooooo, you need to go get him! I can't!"

Our days are filled with so much love and laughter, but among all that there are tantrums, there are moments where my nerves are all twitching...and among all the tantrums and twitching nerves are moments where I need to remind myself that I AM THE ADULT. They are the children. I gather my thoughts, direct my negative energy in to cleaning, and I talk to my kids. I try to explain to them how this is going to work. It is not fun to fight all the time. There has to be happy times. We can share toys, we can run and play, we can read books, and if we are tired and grouchy then we can nap.

When I think about life, nine years ago...it was so different. I had just ended a bad relationship...bad all around. I moved to Calgary. And that same day, Jesse had moved to Calgary. Both of us were basically running from what our lives were. And we happened to run right in to each other. We met. We spent every day together after that. And have been together ever since. We did the whole jump-in-with-both-feet thing, we didn't care about anything else, just spending time with each other. It was all so new. So exciting...so freeing. We moved in with each after about a month of knowing each other. It doesn't work for everyone, but it was in our cards, and it worked for us.

In the last nine years we have grown. My, how we have grown. Together we have created a life that we knew we always wanted. It was like building a spider web. We started on the outside, working our way in, joining each aspect of our then separate lives together, and forming them in to one. We had to work around obstacles, sometimes change paths, but in the end what we have made is beautiful.
And it has stood up against winds and storms.

We have an incredible support system, our family, our trees and branches that have guided us to take shape in the way we have. We have grown in ways I never thought I could. My heart throbs with love when I look into the eyes of Jesse and my boys. How incredible it is to see the little faces we have created. Jesse and I perfectly divided in to their looks...it makes us both grin to see. What an amazing addition to our life together. Everything is perfect.

Everything is as it should be.
Everything is in it's place.

From this point on, there is nothing to do but go forward, together, as one unit. We will all grow, age, change, and live in each other's lives for as long as we are allowed. And in the time granted, I hope that we can flourish and spend as much time with our loved ones as possible. I hope to have all of the amazing people that have surrounded each of us in our lifetime, surround each of our children in the same way.

I hope that we can weather it all together, like an old farm building in the country, on a hillside, still standing after years and years of pounding rain, blistering winds, harsh cold and soothing sunshine. Sturdy. Strong.

pass it on!

2011-03-08T15:35:00.000-07:00

OK, OK...perhaps I was a little harsh on myself in the last post...I wasn't hoping to seem that way, but I did!

I received a handful of messages and phone calls about it...and you all made me feel very good.

My beautiful friend Jules sent me a very sweet message this morning and I have been on cloud nine ever since...you really know how to make a girl feel special! And I have to share it...because I feel that all women should read what she said to me, so here it is!

"I'm not saying this just to be nice. You are one of the most stunning, naturally beautiul, perfectly shaped women that I know! I hate diets because they take the focus off lifestyle, and become something else.. something hard on self esteem. Eating healthy should be about eating good food. Wholesome, delicious, "doesn't taste like I'm on a diet" food. It hurts to hear a friend being hard on themselves. You do not deserve that!
In the last year, I've been trying to cook things that are new to my tastebuds, and I always find.. friends are the best people to ask about recipes and food! (A good friend) told me about a great blog called Dinner With Julie (and she's a Calgarian!!! No wonder I like her!). She's fantastic, hilarious, and makes a lot of no-fuss, great tasting, wholesome meals.. shares the recipes and the most mouthwatering pictures!
I recently tried this one.. and since you mentioned the "no white stuff".. I thought you might want to add it to your supper table one night. This came out of the crockpot, and I ate it for a week!

PS Love your blog. I think you should write a book, and then someone will make a movie.. like they did with Julia & Julia!

CrockPot Turkey Chili with Apples

1 each: onion, carrot and celery stalk, chopped
2 cups each: apples, cored and chopped and butternut squash, diced
4 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1 lb (454 g) ground turkey, cooked
2 tbsp chili powder
1 tbsp (15 mL) ground cumin
1 tsp (5 mL) dried oregano
¼ tsp (1 mL) each: salt and freshly ground pepper
1 can (10 fl oz/284 mL) undiluted chicken broth
1 can (400 mL) light coconut milk
2 tbsp (25 mL) tomato paste
1 cup (250 mL) canned black beans, drained and rinsed
cilantro, for garnish (optional)

Combine everything in your CrockPot and cook on low for 6-8 hours. Garnish with fresh cilantro, if you like."

I love her...she is wonderful for saying this, for sharing the website, and for reminding of my own beauty....which I sometimes forget about...like most stay at home moms!

So, now I can move forward...and try new recipes!

Oh, and as for moving...I am proud to say that I have one box packed. HA! That's one more box packed than yesterday! I have also gone through my baby stuff and have two boxes set aside, ready to be sold in a "Bye Bye Baby Stuff" sale next Thursday! I can not wait!

I still feel like I am standing in front of a mountain, but at least there's lots of sunshine! And lots of friends standing there with me!

Thanks for the support!

And pass it on! It always helps to share meal ideas with friends...so here's a few of mine...very normal...but still, I'm sharing!

Beef stir-fry (no rice)

Yummy breakfast! Scrambled eggs topped with salsa, steamed asparagus and fresh veggies!

Lemon pepper pork, steamed carrots, rice, and spinach salad with pecans and mandarine oranges!

Myself...no make-up, bags and all, but still feeling beautiful thanks to amazing friends.

it's all happening...

2011-03-06T13:20:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, taking a breather, from the very hectic, hair pulling, high stress day. It seems that no matter how much laundry I do, I cannot keep up. No matter how many dishes I do, I cannot keep up. No matter how much I try to please my two children, I cannot keep up. I wash the floors twice a day, but still...can not keep UP!

The next four weeks are a huge, daunting mountain, standing before me, casting a shadow. I am ever grateful for what is to come, but terrified of the amount of work.
In the next four weeks I must go through baby stuff, as we are quite happily done at two, and I am going to sell it at a local "Bye Bye Baby Stuff" sale. Yay! So glad to have the chance to sell it, instead of give it away! It all cost so much, and used for so little time, that some return (other than baby use) will be made!

Right now, my Ellis is on the deck, playing in the mild, sunny winter's day...and little Jenner...ten months old, is walking around like he's been doing it for a long time...he stands at the window, waving and cooing and screaming at Ellis out of sheer excitement.

It's nice, considering how this day has been going, to have a break...where everyone is happy, doing their own thing.

Now, I got sidetracked a little...my list. My giant, never-ending, scary, once-was-little list.
I need to start packing. Like, yesterday...even thought our current place is small...it is jam packed full of STUFF. Ugh. Stuff. Some will be sold, some will be donated, and the rest will come to our new home. Our new home. That feels so good to say. Our first, real, grown up home. Where our children will flourish and grow. Where I will have a room....a beautiful master bedroom without a crib, and WITH a husband. My man will sleep WITH me, where he should be...instead of with Ellis or on the couch. (He can't sleep in the same room as Jenner, they both wake up)
We will have five bedrooms...so even when daddy comes home from working nights, he can go downstairs, to a quiet room...or even stay in our own room, and I can play with the boys in the kitchen, then downstairs, so he can sleep in peace.

I will have kitchen...where the carpet of my living room will not be spattered with chunks of food that Sir Jenner is casually tossing around. It will all remain in the kitchen!

My living room...once the boys are a little older will be transformed into a wonderful, adult place where I will sip tea with my family and friends...or drink wine. Which ever, it doesn't matter! On my feature wall, I will have two comfy, beautiful chairs framed with a beautiful picture on the wall, a small table between them...perhaps a lamp. I can not wait. Can. Not. But have to.

My bedroom will become a sanctuary, where Jesse and I will have conversations, morning kisses, late night snuggles...and just time. to. be. together.

The boys' rooms will be comfy, casual and playful. They will spend hours upon hour playing, sleeping, reading, jumping, running, squealing...and being little boys! I have material picked out for Roman blinds that hopefully my sister will make for me. I have paint colours picked out. I am just so excited to make them each their own little room, that suits them as individuals...that will help them grow and evolve.

Our basement will have, which I have seen a number of times now, a playroom under the stairs...I am going to paint it bright green and blue, put the foam squares on the floor and also put some chalkboard paint on the wall. It is going to be a place where they, with their friends and cousins can go crazy, scream, run, play...do whatever...it will be the kid cave.

Then, Jesse will have his area, the big screen tv, the leather couches, the poker area...what ever he dreams up, I don't care...I just want him to have his own place! (That he can share with us, of course!)

Now, the other thing I am dealing with, is my baby, walking around...holy smokes! Two kids, just in the way when I need to get stuff done! HA! Of course they are not in my way...but you know what I mean...so I have to save organizing for nap time...the time I would love to crash! But I most likely won't. I need to get boxes, organize things, wrap them up, pack them up, store them somewhere, decide what to keep, what to donate...my mind is spinning. Spinning, spinning, throbbing...clouding over! Maybe I am overwhelmed!?

And the other thing I am dealing with...is a diet...why, at this point in time would I choose to add yet another stress?? Maybe so I learn that high stress doesn't mean I need to snack...or whatever. I usually eat as I am feeding the boys...and I feed them very healthy foods. But, this diet that I am on, sees these foods as bad. I see them as nourishing, tasty, lovely foods.

I am not a junk food addict. I am a milk addict. Seriously. Milk. It's ridiculously delicious. And that does not help me lose weight. So, I read the Four Hour Body, and am doing the slow-carb diet, where you can lose up to twenty pounds in four weeks, just by omitting dairy, fruits, and white foods (i.e. pasta, rice, potatoes, etc.) And you must increase vegetables, water, legumes...and eat organically where ever possible.
This is all fine and dandy. But today, I feel as though I am missing something...my head is not clear at all. I have already had so many typos in this blog. So now I am thinking, is this realy for me, at this time? Or should I wait until all of the stress is gone...or should I do a combination, and just lower my intake of dairy and pasta...but still allow myself a little.
And once I am in town, I will be, WILL BE, getting a membership and working out. Three times a week is all I need.

I just want to feel normal, while all of this abnormal stuff is going on. Our little world is going to be turned upside down for then next month and a half...Ellis, who is very territorial, will be missing his things. And these things will be in boxes, some to be taken to the new house, others not. I will be dealing with a little man who will be asking about his stuff...over and over, because this child, does NOT forget.

So...today is a very confusing day...I feel completely overwhelmed and stressed...and cloudy. I really am feeling cloudy.

Perhaps I will trek on with this diet...which, by the way, I am not a yo-yo dieter. I have never tried a diet...I have worked out and seen results. And I know that THAT is the way to do it. And I will do that...once we live five minutes from the gym.

Well...it is nap time. The boys are grouchy...I need to go tend to them. Then call a friend. I need to know that IF i decide to continue my NORMAL healthy eating, or stay on this diet, which I really think will work...I need to know if I am making excuses, or being lazy...and I know exactly which friend to call. Leanne...have your phone ready, and you ears open!

Please...let me know if you have struggled with this...which as a mother, I know you have at some point.

(If this blog is not making sense, I really do apologize...I really am foggy, kind of confused feeling!?)

the greatest rewards

2011-02-23T12:38:00.000-07:00

So, a couple girlfriends and myself have been emailing back and forth about life with kids...how incredible, rewarding, intimidating it can be. We are currently on the subject (one of many) of basically self-respect, self-acceptance and what we want to put forward to our children.

We want what every parent wants...for our children to be strong, independent, respectful, compassionate, helpful, confident, to "teach the child to be giving but not to give away the essence of self" (to quote my friend).

She is absolutely right. We have to try and teach our children to be all of these things, with out jeopardizing their SELF.

As parents, we know what it is like to give, give, give, sacrifice life as we used to know it...because basically, for the next X number of years, we serve our children. We dedicate morning, noon and night to them...and as I said in my previous blog, we can lose our personal relationship...with ourselves AND our partner.

So as we work, work, work we must set aside time for ourselves, for our partners, for our children, for our friends, for our family members. We must try to enjoy one on one activities, get involved, get our children involved.

When I cook or clean, I try to have Ellis help...he is two and a half...and loves to be included. This gives him such great pride...the look in his eyes is incredible...he relishes in any activity we do together. We also try to include Jenner...but being ten months old, he's a little tough to wrangle! He goes from one thing to another in a matter of seconds!

Ellis has helped me do laundry, scrub floors, wash the bath tub, shovel the deck, do dishes, bake cupcakes and cook supper. He helps me grind the coffee beans in the morning and gets Jenner his yogurt. I want him to know that he CAN do these things. I want them to be second nature to him. I want him to know that HE. IS. CAPABLE. And I am also instilling in him that all who live in a home together, nurture that home together. Everyone has shared responsibilities. We all make the home work together.

We were taught this growing up, and are continuing to show it to our children...we include them, they include each other...

Helping to water flowers

Baking with Grandma (while her kitchen was being reno'd)

Waiting for laundry to be done!

He loves watering flowers!

If you help make a mess, you help clean it up!

Decorating cupcakes...he picked green icing!

Baking buns with Gaga, Jenner is helping too!

We are team Smith's! When my boys are older, you can bet that they will be telling me and Jes to sit back and relax while they make supper together. My siblings and I did that for our parents, and they appreciate it. It's one less thing to do in a day.

I am pretty pleased to have both sides of my family involve one another in everything. It's awesome...my Thunder Bay family loves being a part of each other's lives...there is always time for tea together, there is always a big family supper around the table, there is always good conversation that everyone is involved in. Many stories have been told in that little house...Suesue and Papa G's house...Ellis always talks about it. And it is because they have created cherished memories in it for him! He knows that every time we go there he will play with them, watch movies with them...and you can bet he will tell Papa G to "bring me my suppoo" while we sit downstairs together.

I absolutely love involving my kids, I love teaching them responsibility...but not too much right now...they are kids of course! So there is lots of time to play, read books, colour, etc.

We have many years of "real responsibilities" ahead, so I don't want to rush them right now.

Both sides of our family nourish the spirit. We compliment one another, give each other a pat on the back when needed....we make sure to let each other know that we are doing a good job.

I like to think that I have always had a good head on my shoulders. Sure, I've made some mistakes, but I don't regret them. They have made me who I am. I can look at myself and feel good about who I am, where I am at in life, and I can say that I have no regrets.
I think that is a great, positive way to feel. I hope my husband feels that, I hope my friends feel that, and I hope my children feel that.

If you are living life with a positive outlook, an open mind, an open spirit and not laying so much importance on things like looks, how "much" you have or how much money you make, then you will be a happier person.

We live within our means. If we can spoil ourselves a little here and there, then we will. We do what makes us feel happy, good. We do what makes us feel beautiful. As a whole. And when something is thrown in our way, we work at it together, and get by it. We don't need a lot of things in life...we just need to be able to look in our childrens' eyes and see happiness, confidence, honesty, pride, and spirit.

That is the sweetest reward.

revitalized!

2011-02-20T16:58:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh!
I feel refreshed! (But still a little tired!)
The hunny cam home finally! This week went by
so
slowly.

I am so glad to have Jes home. It's like the missing piece of the puzzle was found! The boys little faces were lit up with joy and excitement when they heard daddy's voice...and saw the little surprises he brought home for them.

After a long couple weeks for all of us, yesterday and today were great for our souls!

I headed to the city to pick up Jesse, but before I met him at the airport I had supper with my cousin. We had such a great visit and supper at the Outback! Mmmmmm....Aussie Cheese Fries! We cackled, laughed, caught up, cackled more, looked at pictures and videos on my cell of the boys....and laughed even more.

What release. What an amazing way to revive yourself! It perked me right up! Got me out of the slow, grumpy groove I was in. I love how a little bit of girl time does that for me! While we were eating we made plans to go out. We went and picked up Jes then went and booked a hotel. Jesse, who was exhausted and hungry after a day of traveling, was excited to get showered and gussied up in the new clothes I had bought him. So, he ordered in room service, layed on the bed and watched tv and waited for his food. Stace and I laid on the other bed and talked and talked and got lost in our conversation, as we always do!

The food came, Jesse ate, then we all decided we were to tired to do anything, and basically we went to bed!

The next day, we got up, got ready, went for breakfast and went shopping together! I was so grateful to have some time to spend with just Jesse. JUST US. It was so nice...we walked around the mall, holding hands, he spent lots of time outside stores on the bench waiting for me...
We spoiled ourselves, nurtured our spirits, joked around...and just had fun. We laughed and joked and enjoyed being in the company of one another.
Don't get me wrong, we always do...but it's extra special when there are no interruptions from our little men!
Funny thing was, we spent most of the time talking about the boys...the silly faces they make, the funny things Ellis says...it made us miss them!

We know the importance of having alone time...we try our best to make it happen, but we just don't get it enough! Jes works...a lot. He has missed countless family functions, and he feels bad...but that's life. Work is kind of important...but when your family is asking if you even exist anymore, it might be time to cut back on the hours! Right?

Anyways...what I am getting at, is that we were so care-free...just roaming around, at our leisure, talking about when we first met and how crazy it is that we have ended up here.

Here being married, with two kids, and now waiting (impatiently) to move into our new home. Our first house!

We are elated. We are anxious. We are finally real adults! Haha!

As I have said before, I am learning to become a more grateful person...not one that takes others for granted.

I am so thankful that I had time to spend with Jesse alone. It took us back to a place...a place where fun, flirting and free spirits roam!

I think we are going to have to make that a weekly thing. Just the two of us, out from our four walls...

We feel uplifted. And appreciate our kiddies that much more. And we appreciate all who have helped us along the way...and today, we are thankful that my mom was watching the boys. (Don't worry Smith's...your days are comin')

So, have a look at your calendar, pick a day, book a sitter and take your man or woman out on the town...whether its just to go shopping or a supper date, it's amazing how revitalized you can feel! Especially after a week of not seeing each other.

Have fun lovers...remember, it's not just one day out of the year you need to make special! It all of the others too!

mama said there'll be days like this...

2011-02-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

Well...the lovely flu finally caught us...kicked us in the butt, worked us over, chewed us up and spit us out. After a whole winter of escaping it, we got it. It has been just over two weeks. First the stomach flu, then the horrible cold, then the horrible cold mixed with the stomach flu, then just the lovely cold on it's own once again.

I am sick of bodily functions of every sort. The snot, filthy diapers, washing of bedding in the middle of night...

UGH!!! Fed. Up.

I know it will pass. I know this. But the amount of whining, tears, outbursts, tantrums and frustration from my children wore off on me.

I know you are to be compassionate with your wee ones when they are sick...but I was sick as well...and for every single time my little guys crawled to me, clung to me, pulled at my pant legs...I wanted to go to my mom and do the same.

I don't get sick all that often. Maybe twice a year. And holy crap, did this one ever hit me hard. It didn't help that my husband was working crazy hours and feeling just as bad. There was literally no down time. Even at night. Poor Jenner was fevered, I was on the phone with HealthLink, I phoned the doctor's office EVERY MORNING to be put on the wait list.

But, we got over it. We ate healthy, drank plenty of fluids, and beat it.

This is an example of how these little men were affected.
I took them to town, (we currently live half hour out, but are moving in to town end of March) so we could visit my grandparents, who are now all in a home. (Heart-breaking to me, but necessary for them)

Picture this, we stroll in to the home, my brother Robin came with us, so I could have an extra hand, and my boys were the centre of attention...which they love. The residents of the home were waving, smiling, and watching the boys.

We walked down the corridor to go see my grandparents and met them on their way to eat lunch. So, we walked with them back to the cafeteria and sat down.
Well, the adults sat down. Ellis did not. He proceeded to take of his boots and socks and took off RUNNING down the hall where we just came from. So I handed Jenner to Robin, and ran after him. After finally catching him, I knelt down in front of him and talked sternly to him. He didn't give a rip. He continued to run and scream and laugh.
I could have throttled that child!! (joking here, remember I like sarcastic humor)
So, off we walk, hand in hand...well, I walked, Ellis hopped and tried to escape my kung fu grip. Once we were closer to the cafeteria I could hear that all too familiar wailing of Jenner. Sigh. He spazzed out once he saw me take off.

Like, what were all the residents thinking of me and my crazy children at this point!!?? I am certain that hearing aids were being turned down. Women must have been thinking my children would have NEVER acted that way! Men must have been thinking bring that boy over here so I can give him a whippin'!

Then comes lunch. Ellis sat, like a little prince, and ate very nicely.
Jenner....did not. Since there are no high chairs there, he was on my lap, squirming, twisting, yelling, crying, pushing the spoon away, getting food on me, on him, the table.
My Grandma Clara said "My, he's a busy boy!"
Ya...that usually means your child is CRAZY! Contain him! Do something!

Meanwhile, Sir Ellis finished eating...and went wild. Again. Uncle Robin was awesome and did his best to contain him. But, despite his best efforts, we left. I barely got to eat, but did not care.

We dropped off Uncle Robin and seconds later the boys passed out. Sleeping angels.

I was glad Robin was there with me, it helped me keep my cool. We all know how frustrating this kind of situation can be...the screaming, the running, the whole I'm-not-listening-to-you-mommy! attitude. Oh the attitude. Why, how can such small beings throw down such immense attitudes? Jenner....ten months old...has it perfected!
He can throw it better than anyone!

Exhibit A - Ellis has a toy he wants...

Oh yes, these are the days, my friend...where the simplest little thing can spark a tear. Well, in our case, a meltdown!

I should give these two little men more credit...they are great kids. But daddy is gone to Atlanta for work and will be back late Friday night, just in time for him to snuggle up next to Ellis and sleep for the night. Jenner will wait until Saturday morning to see him. And he will be excited! He loves his daddy...claws at his face, pulls his cheeks, loves. his. daddy. And boy does daddy love him. It's just that they don't get to see him very often...with the long hours he works, and the time that Jenner goes to bed! Their schedules never seem to work!
These two little guys miss their dad so badly, that they just don't know what to do!
Ellis keeps telling me he has do go help daddy with the welding truck, or help daddy wash his work clothes, or he tells me daddy is gone to work and "he be riiiiiiiight back!"

So this lat week, I am going to chalk it up to that. Jesse is gone. They miss him. And they don't know how to tell me, so they act wild.

They have been going after each other...Ellis pulls at Jenner, Jenner pulls at Ellis...when one is sleeping, the other tries to wake him up. But, when one is sleeping and the other does not wake him up...the one who is awake is playing nicely, peacefully and letting me do my work. Jenner is at the stage where he thinks he doesn't need two naps a day...sometimes if he naps in the morning he won't nap in the afternoon and is very grouchy, and goes to bed at 6pm. Then wakes up at 5am.

It's a vicious cycle!

One day, I know...all these little grouchy, red, i'm-so-sick-of-this faces will be happy again...just counting down the hours...

Until then...you can laugh at these pictures...because in the end, all we have to do is laugh it off!

the other 364 days of the year....

2011-02-13T09:24:00.000-07:00

We all love Valentine's Day...right?

Me and the Loverboy

No. Most people loathe it! Most people think its pointless, but there are some of us who love it...who relish in it...who expect to be showered with giant, over-priced gifts, smothered in bouquets of flowers and gorging ourselves on chocolates! It's the one day of the year where our partner must profess their love to us...where restaurants are booked solid for romantic candle lit dinners, wine glasses over flowing and hearts bursting with love and joy.

One of the most popular days for a man to drop down on one knee and propose to the one woman that they want to spend the rest of their lives with!

Oh its exciting! It's wonderful! It's pure bliss to be shown how much your lover loves to love you!

It's also a great way to be boastful of what gifts you were spoiled with...oh how loved you are to receive such fortunes!

Didn't we just finish breaking the bank at Christmas? Didn't we just do this? Didn't we all just get so sickenly spoiled by materialistic things!?

My, we are ever so deserving!

Why? Why do we need to blow our hard earned money on this day? It's like a rule that your man has to get you flowers, then this, then that....then whatever else...and if you don't get whatever it is you want, you are hurt?!

I'm not a hater of Valentine's...I just think there is way too much hype for one day.

Did I get gifts? Yes...Jes is out of the country right now, and spoiled me two days ago to make up for not being here on Valentine's Day.

Was I happy I got gifts? Absolutely! Who doesn't like gifts? But what I am saying...is why is there one day? Just one?

I'm not saying that everyday should be filled with gifts and flowers and the sort...just sayin' that everyday we should celebrate our love. And not just love for our partner...love of life, of friends, of family.

We should be thankful everyday for what we have, whether we are single or not...

My best friend Leanne said it best about her boyfriend, who she won't be able to see because they are both working...she said:

"I have a pretty special man in my life. The greatest gift Travis gives me are his words. They come straight from his heart. Especially when he says he loves me!!"

YES!!! Word to your mom! Thank you Leanne! Speak it!

I fully agree. I look at Leanne, who has been through some craptastic relationships...and she is now, full on, head over heels in love with a man who actually reciprocates her feelings! He adores her, deserves her...and it is fantastic! They barely get to see each other because of their work schedules and locations, but when they see each other they make the best of it! He supports her when she needs it, sets her in place when she needs it...he is to her what I am to her...only in male form!

(Haven't we all said that we want to date a man who is like our best girlfriend!?)

I think she found the me-him! HA!

They are best friends. And sadly, I haven't even met the guy! We all live in different provinces, I never travel anymore, and they spend whatever time they can have together...well, together. Or with family. And they both understand the importance of family. It's great. It's almost like every time they get to see each other is Valentine's Day all over again! They spend that time together, spoil each other with love and affection...

They can sit on her porch swing, just like in the picture below..that is one of her most favourite spots to be. I am so glad she gets to sit there, hand in hand with Travis...talking about love, life, their future...it's a perfect way for them to waste an afternoon...and I hope they do that often. I hope that if she ever leaves the house she is in, that she will take that porch swing and spend years in it with him...getting old, wrinkly and more in

love!

Beautiful Leanne, snuggling my little Ellis

Why aren't the other 364 days like that?

I am not a religious person...but I am spiritual..and I don't pray, but I am just starting to get in to the habit of waking up in the morning, after a long sleepless night of being awake with Jenner, and asking myself, "What am I thankful for?" (Thank you brother Robin for always asking that, it has stuck with me now!)

I am thankful for my husband, because with out him I would have Ellis and Jenner, with out him I wouldn't have know how big my heart was, I would have known how deeply I can love.

I am thankful for every past crappy relationship or experience because with out them I wouldn't be who I am today. I am thankful to have my family close to me, physically and emotionally. I am thankful to have married in to such an amazing family, and even though they live across the country from us, I am grateful that we get to see them when we do...and I am so thankful that my boys have fond memories of Thunder Bay.

I am so thankful for all that has been placed in my hands from a higher power, I couldn't begin to write everything in one day. That is why I ask myself everyday. So everyday I can think of something new!

So, from now on, I vow to speak from my heart, to love freely, and to AP-PRE-CI-ATE what I have...not wish for things I don't have.

So yes, Happy Valentine's Day all you lovers...enjoy your day, enjoy these moments, but please...don't forget the next day, the day after that and the day after that...don't let your love wear off...keep it real, the other 364 days of the year!

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

let's talk

2011-02-09T16:07:00.001-07:00

So, today, February 9, 2011 is the day of the Let's Talk campaign that Clara Hughes (Olympian) is the spokesperson for. You can read more of her battle with depression here: http://www.clara-hughes.com/journal/lets-talk

I kind of thought that this was a good way for me to talk about post pardum depression...and not in a sad way.

I would just like to bring light to it.

People who know me would most likely describe me as happy. And I am happy...but, the fact of the matter is, after having two children, close together and even with all of the support from my awesome family and friends, post pardum still crept up on me.

I think I tried to ignore it...I felt...embarrassed. I felt like a failure. I felt like an awful mom. When Jenner was five months old, I finally made an appointment with my doctor.
We talked about how I had been feeling...best way to describe how I felt was helpless, angry, sad, desperate to run away...

Yes, depression is dark. Its hard...but depression is not embarrassing. It is common, especially after having children. More common than not, actually!

How?? How could I have post pardum? That was the question going through my mind...but after really looking at things...my relationships, my moods...and there were MOODS. I finally just thought; THIS is NOT right. This is NOT how life with two kids should be.

And another way I look at it is, I should be proud. I should be proud to have acknowledge what so many are afraid to. I should be proud that I finally took this into my own hands and got control. I should be proud that I am now the mother I should be.

You know what was great about this whole experience!? Was being able to talk about it openly. To be able to bring light to a dark subject. My husband told me how proud he was when I went and got help. My mother said the same thing...I don't think she actually recognized the person I was. On the outside I looked the same. But on the inside, I was tormented, unhappy, vicious...and sadly, I was resentful towards my husband and my little boys.

How could I, in my right mind, be resentful towards the three loves of my life???

I could not. My right mind wouldn't allow that.

So there...I said it. I had post pardum depression. I went on medication for it. (And oh, did those words ever haunt me before.)

But you know what...I am so unbelievably happy that I did.

So enough..enough of keeping shhhhhh!! depression, a secret.

Please, I urge you, talk.

Talk about your feelings. Talk about everything. Don't let yourself go. Hold on to what is dear and near and be the wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend you should be!

Me, actually happy, the smile is all real, straight from the heart, happy.

a family comes together

2011-02-05T12:36:00.000-07:00

My family is very tightly knit...on both my mother's side and my father's side. If there is every a problem or emergency, we all do our best to help out where and when we can, from where ever we may be at that time.

With Ellis...Summer 2009

A couple weeks ago, my Grandpa, had a mini stroke at home. He has been in very good health over the years, and especially for his age. He will be 90 years old in April. He has been resting in the hospital for the last two weeks, with Grandma by his side, as she has been for over 67 years.

Grandma and Grandpa's wedding, England, Dec 5, 1944

The word to best describe that...

Devotion.

And through all those years, through WWII, through moving to Canada from England, to having to haul water to bathe and cook, to using an outhouse, to buying their first vehicle, getting a phone, having four children...and losing one tragically, to watching their children grow, struggle, learn, succeed...they have been by each other's side.

They are the greatest example of marriage.

A picture I took of Grandpa's old truck

And in this day and age, it is hard...its hard to have face time. And no, not "face time" from an iPhone...I mean FACE. TIME. Being in the presence of another. Talking face to face, holding hands, communicating, laughing, being.

It is rare that my dad's side of the family can all get together. Too rare.

We have far too much fun together to not BE TOGETHER.

But, with all of our busy schedules, lives away from Lloydminster, and just life, we do our best.

I am so grateful that we were all together last night. (As was everyone else) It was great. Grandpa, who had a pass from the hospital to come out for a few hours, was relishing in it. Looking around, he sat, with his walker and oxygen near by, and he was beaming. He looked happy.

I don't think anything makes him happier that that. Just seeing us all laugh, the family he created with Grandma...just being together.

We laughed, cried, laughed some more. Had birthday cupcakes for Uncle Den...and laughed while the little kids put icing on their noses. Children are amazing little creatures. They bring out the utmost joy in people. Their laughter rang throughout my brother's house, above all the noise of chatter from the adults...it was great. Perfect!

Cupcake time!

Grandma, taking it all in...very proud

My brother put us all on the spot, and asked us what we were thankful for. I loved hearing what everyone had to say. I suggest you do that at your next family gathering...you'll be surprised at the answers, you'll get to know one another, you'll start talking about the memories you have, it will be heart warming. You will hug, you laugh, and probably poke fun at one another...and that is the whole point.

We had a family friend come over and take pictures of us, just because we hadn't had a family photo in so long. So long.

We used to get pictures done in front of my parents fireplace on special occasions. We would all awkwardly group together, and someone would take a crooked, almost-in-focus picture of us, and never would we all be looking at the camera at the same time...but hey, we got a family picture! And it would make Grandma happy!

The best family portrait, in my opinion, is the one that Grandpa and Grandma still proudly display in their living room...I believe it was at Charles' Lamb Photography in Lloydminster. And there was a giant wicker chair that cradled Grandma, with her tightly permed hair. Grandpa with his thick-rimmed glasses, which are coming back in style. My sister and I with our feathered hair, my brothers in Bill Cosby style sweaters, my Aunt's with whole 80's look from head to toe, and my cousins Kelly and Tammy...just as awkward as the rest of us...but we didn't care, we were in style at the time! And we were together!

I need to get a copy of that picture. It's fabulous. And embarrassing.

There is no greater thing than family, because like Grandma Lil, family will be there, by your side, rooting you on, holding you up, sometimes knocking you down when you need it, and making you smile.

I would have to say, that I couldn't have been more pleased last night, to be holding my almost-ten-month old, and looking across the room to my almost-ninety-year-old Grandfather.

He's done good over the years, served in the war, married and raised a family, ran a farm, watched his grandchildren grow and have children of their own. He's a very special guy. He's so funny, charming, and strong. He's created a great life for all of us, filled with countless memories, from-the-belly laughs and a few challenging crib games!

He taught us well.

We love you Pops!

And can I just add, that Amazing Grace is my favourite song, because of him. I remember him playing it on his guitar when I was little and he would sing, I remember him yodeling too!

But the reason why it's most special, is that the moment you set a baby on his lap, he leans in close and starts humming it to them, and they seem to calm...

It's awesome to watch. And I feel lucky to have had him sing it to both my boys.

Ellis and Papa Harold, Winter 2009

Grandpa's 89th Birthday, April 2010

Some oldies...

one of those days

2011-02-02T17:48:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days where everything just

falls
into
place?

This was one of those days. The weather went from -40 with the windchill to -3 and sunny!
My boys went from down-each-other's-throats the day before to lovey, cuddly today.
Ellis kept exclaiming "Weeeee ah best priends!!!"

Having Pedialite together, as they are both getting over the wonderful stomach flu that has bee going around!

And he is right. We are best friends. And I hope they can continue to be best friends throughout their lifetime. It is so special for a mom to see her kids play, love, laugh, share and be together. I adore my boys when they are like this. I adore them all the time...but its hard to remember that when they are fighting with each other! Which is why these moments are so sweet and wonderful to me!

Another great thing about today was the single little load of laundry to do. Ah...that was nice. And we had cleaned the kitchen together the night before, Jesse and I, so there was no mess to wake up to. We kind of got into the habit of leaving dishes for morning lately. The evenings are so busy....bath one baby, dry him off, get him dressed, rock him to sleep. Bath the other baby, dry him off, get him dressed, play play play, then get him to bed...but not before reading book after book after book!

By the time we are done that...the supper dishes just sit there and stare at us. And we, sit there...and stare at them. Oh, one day I will have a dish washer and it will be fantastic!! I will be hovering over company, waiting for them to finish their coffee or tea, just WANTING to put that dirty mug in the dishwasher!

Soon, I tell myself. VERY soon!

One small little problem about best friends...is you end up sharing more than laughs and toys.

I was so proud two weeks ago, when I told my friends that my boys haven't been sick all winter. And then...we went to McDonald's. Twice. In one week. This never happens for us. But I think that all of the parents have been so sick of being stuck in their houses due to cold weather, that they just needed some escape. And what better place than the Grease Palace itself!? Why not let our sick, bug ridden children cough, hack and sneeze all over each other, the slides, the train, the french fries...

Ick.

And now...my once in-perfect-health-all-winter boys are hacking, coughing, sneezing, gagging and pooping.

Ick.

One morning...NINE diapers. Yup. Nine. Oh, did I mention BEFORE noon? I stopped counting after that. Hence the Pedialite.

Ick.

But back to my perfect, almost poopless day...I just love watching the boys grow together, play together, hug, kiss, and laugh uncontrollably together. Nothing makes a happier home.

So I have dedicated this blog to all the memories I have of my boys, together. And you can see them through pictures...

Ellis, Froggy and Puppy entertain Baby J

Jenner, always enthralled with his big bro

I cannot believe how much they have grown

One of the thousands of kisses for Jenner

Always so helpful with Jenner

I can still hear that little laugh

Snack time together

So many pictures...

Jenner's first Christmas 2010

So many fond memories already!

Jenner helps bath Ellis. And ya, that's a blue tub right there!

Mmm, pasta, eggs, blueberries and avocado...and a wave

The best part of the day was taking the boys outside after their naps...pulling them on the sleigh over big bumps, listening to them laugh as Ellis held Jenner...so cute. Such red little cheeks...and snotty noses.