Fanning the Flames of Faith

Peeking Out From A Hole

2018-09-02T21:49:00.001-04:00

I haven't blogged in almost 6 months. Truth be told, my laptop has been dead since March and I haven't even had the desire to turn it on. I've been down a hole for awhile now, and where normally blogging helps me through, I just didn't have any words.

I've been feeling useless, unappreciated, not respected or valued. I let people get in my head. I've toyed with leaving my church for various reasons. My job too. No reason that would make me feel any better though. It's probably just the hole talking. It's probably just realizing that I am almost fifty and some people still treat me as though I was a child. That my voice isn't heard. That people don't seem to realize that I'm a middle-aged woman with two grown children, who has lived on both coasts. That I have traveled to Europe, Asia, the Caribbean, and more. Some people just don't take me seriously and it started to weigh me down.

I know. I know. I'm not supposed to focus on them. I'm supposed to remember who God says I am. I'm supposed to realize that HE doesn't see me that way. But that's tough sometimes. Tough when you feel dismissed. Tough when you feel unseen and unheard. You begin to question your own worth. You begin to remember all the ways you messed up. You wonder if those people are justified in how they are. THEY ARE NOT!

Yes I've made mistakes, but I not solely those mistakes. If anything, today I am the culmination of all the good and bad choices that I've made these last fifty years. I am the sum total of my family, my friends, my work, my experiences and my choices and I realize that God has been in the middle of it all.

He knows who I am, what I've done and what I have yet to do. He knows when I've had a prayer in my heart but was unable to say the words. He knows when I have avoided studying or reading. He knows to the times I went to church out of habit but had a word for me anyway. He knows when I feel unworthy. He knows that I feel like I've run out of chances. Yet and still He loves me. He still has a plan, if I would just get on board and focus on the things that matter, Him.

I will remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That He has a purpose and a for my life. That I am His chosen one and that His mercies are new every day.

But most importantly, I will remember the Promise and Word He gave me:

Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth. And I will cause the captives of Judah and the captives of Israel to return, and will rebuild those places as at the first. I will cleanse them from all their iniquity by which they have sinned against Me, and I will pardon all their iniquities by which they have sinned and by which they have transgressed against Me. Then it shall be to Me a name of joy, a praise, and an honor before all nations of the earth, who shall hear all the good that I do to them; they shall fear and tremble for all the goodness and all the prosperity that I provide for it.’ Jeremiah 33:6-9

In love,
Mona

Have You Considered My Servant?

2018-03-08T10:07:00.000-05:00

One day the angels came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came with them. The Lord said to Satan, “Where have you come from?” Satan answered the Lord, “From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it.” Then the Lord said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.” “Does Job fear God for nothing?” Satan replied. “Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.” The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.” Then Satan went out from the presence of the Lord. Job 1:6-12

This classic passage of the Bible talks about how Satan had been wandering around looking for folks to bother. God, in His Supreme Boldness, offered Job for testing. Satan countered that God had a hedge of protection around him but God offered to remove the hedge and allow Satan to destroy everything but Job's life, resting assured that Job would not curse Him.

I'm at an interesting point in my life where it isn't Satan who has "destroyed" everything, but actually the result of my own choices. I won't blame Satan, who already gets too much credit for some of the mess in our lives, but it was me. And whether or not God has a hedge of protection around me or not doesn't matter.

No matter what happens, no matter how many of my chickens come home to roost, no matter how many things, people or opportunities I lose, I REFUSE TO CURSE MY GOD. '

I think God honors our confessions:
"Lord, I messed up and I am prepared to deal with the outcome."

"Father, if you can't stay away this bitter cup, please strengthen me to deal with it."

"God, you are my portion and I will wait on you."

I may have fallen 20 steps back, but God was waiting for me at the 20th step, to put me back on course and push me forward into my destiny - despite my mistakes.

"...if I make my bed in hell, you are there." Psalm 139:8

All I know to do is trust my God. All I can do is believe in Him and His purpose for my life (in spite of myself). All I must do is continue to praise and worship through the storms. I can never give up and I can never give in, no matter what it looks like or feels like. I will live and not die.

And soon it will be "now the Lord blessed the latter days of Mona more than her beginning..."

In love,
Mona

The Bucket List

2018-02-05T10:47:00.003-05:00

Two women I went to high school with have died within the last 6 months. We are all in our 50th year - either have turned or will turn 50 before the end of 2018. It's a perspective-shift for sure.

I've always said "life is short" and it's never more in my face than when someone my age dies. It causes me to reflect on the value of and the distinct shortness of time.

I am questioning whether my life has been of any value. What have I accomplished? What is there left for me to do, see and experience?

I know that I raised two amazing people in my son and daughter, who I am blessed to say are happy, healthy and thriving. They are everything I could wish for but mostly I LIKE them... a lot. They are funny and sarcastic and thoughtful and caring and they are absolutely the best of me. But I can't live on the laurels of raising them any longer. I can cross "Parenting" off my bucket list.

I never finished college. That's not anyone's fault. But I did opt to focus on trying to be a good military wife and mom. I don't regret anything because the results speak for themselves. I sustained a happy marriage for 21 years and still remains friends with my ex after the divorce. Cross "Wife and Mom" off my bucket list.

Not sure I've been the best daughter, sister, niece and friend that I could be. But hopefully there's still time to do better. I hope they know that I love them even when I wasn't what they needed me to be. "Good Daughter, Sister, Niece and Friend" stays on the list.

Good Christian? STAYS ON THE LIST!

My list also includes other greatest hits like "Figure Out Who I Want To Be When I Grow Up", "Fall In Love", "Travel the World", "Be the Best Improviser I Can be", "Make An Impact", "Mange My Finances Better (which will never get crossed off the list), "Believe God Will", and more.

But time is running short because tomorrow is not promised. And I'm going to be honest and transparent about the fact that I am freaking out about it. I'm scared that I'm going to die with this long list of unrealized dreams and that none of it mattered in the end. That I will have wasted an entire lifetime and accomplished nothing of note. But then again, lots of people do and what makes me so special?

Maybe it's a mid-life crisis taking hold. Maybe it's me realizing I'm at the top of the hill and the trip is always faster on the way down. I don't want "Regret" to be anywhere on my list.

My prayer is that we all examine our bucket lists and begin to actively do things to start crossing stuff off. But that we also add more items. Give ourselves more dreams to realize, more lives to impact, more places to go and things to do.

In love,
Mona

Shatter-Proof Glass

2018-01-21T21:28:00.001-05:00

Have you ever dropped a glass in the sink or on the floor and it didn't break? Or maybe you were holding a glass and it *just* bumped against something and it shattered right in your hand? I have been thinking lately about how something like glass can be both strong enough to withstand weather and heat but fragile enough to break if you just tap it.

It's because every piece of glass has a weak spot. The weakest areas are usually around the edges. Often weak spots are created by dirt or chemical changes or anomalies created during the glass making process. I remember seeing a demonstration at the Corning Museum of Glass where the exhibit encourages you to bang metal against glass to see if it would break. Of course the metal was hitting where the glass was the strongest so it wouldn't break.

Like glass, most of us are pretty strong. We are made of tough stuff and our relationship with Christ tends to illuminate that because we believe that our strength comes from Him. In Him we are strong. He is our source of strength, and this allows us to deal with all that life throws at us on a day to day basis.

But like glass we also have weak spots. Small areas of imperfection, that if hit just right, can break us. These areas are where we sit in self-condemnation, where we let the enemy remind of us our past, where we let other people define us, or areas of hurt and pain that never healed. It is these places that we need ask God to work on, to encircle us, heal us and protect us from outside influence.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.

Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ” 2 Corinthians 12:9.

"I called on the Lord in distress; The Lord answered me and set me in a broad place. The Lord is on my side. I will not fear. What can man do to me?" Psalm 118:5-6

"Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." Romans 8:26

Lord, show us our weak places so that we will know the areas in which we are vulnerable. Expose the places where we are hurt and broken and begin the process of healing us. Father, open our eyes to see, our ears to hear and our heart to receive the Holy Spirit in our journey of healing. Send your angels and lift a hedge of protection around our weaknesses that make us susceptible to attack, whether from ourselves, from the enemy or from people. We ask in your Holy name. Amen.

In love,

Mona

I Have Dreamed a Dream

2018-01-09T16:04:00.002-05:00

In Daniel 2 "And in the second year of the reign of Nebuchadnezzar Nebuchadnezzar dreamed dreams, wherewith his spirit was troubled, and his sleep brake from him.Then the king commanded to call the magicians, and the astrologers, and the sorcerers, and the Chaldeans, for to shew the king his dreams."

Nebuchadnezzar had a dream that kept him up at night. He was so disturbed by it that he called on the magicians and astrologers for its meaning. They said "tell us the dream and we'll tell you what it means. He told them no, he couldn't remember it. They had to both tell him the dream AND interpret it! And if they couldn't, he would destroy them all.

And important thing to note here is that people dream all the time and we mostly forget our dreams. But this dream mattered, and Nebuchadnezzar knew it mattered, that's why it bothered him so much that he couldn't remember it.

Kind of sounds like me. God gave me a dream and I didn't understand it (or didn't want to). It kept me up at night. I called on God to help me. I also told God "not only must you tell me the dream, but you have to interpret it for me. You have to also show me exactly how to make the dream come true; where must I go and what must I do. Take my hand and walk me step by step through bringing this dream to life! And if you don't, I'm going to leave it sitting right here."

How arrogant of me. First, to tell God what He's gonna do! But secondly, to assume that God wouldn't equip me for the dream in the first place.

The dreams God gives us matter. We know they matter and that's what terrifies us so much. We don't want to get it wrong, or disappoint God or, worse yet, fail. That's me. I don't want to fail. I don't want to step out on something that God gave me and then totally bungle it up.

But God is God. He doesn't make mistakes. He wouldn't ask me to do something that He hasn't equipped me for. But that means I must take advantage of the equipment (the Word, Study, Prayer, Worship, my faith, His strength, etc.) that He provides for me.

And then I just have to do it.

Trust the dream that God has given you. Trust that He has provided you all you need to accomplish it. Trust in him and then just do it. And watch God work.

In love,
Mona

Remembering What I Learned

2018-01-07T20:34:00.003-05:00

Today at church was the kind of day where I was reminded of who God says I am. I know that I've heard it many times before, but each time I somehow manage to talk myself out of it. I find a way to say that I am not good enough, not holy enough, not worthy enough to be that person. But somehow He taps me on the shoulder and says "REMEMBER".

During the long journey towards who God is making me to be, I have learned a few things.

I have learned that God does not lie. "God is not a man, that He should lie. Nor a son of man that He should repent. Has he said, and will he not do? Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?" Numbers 23:19. Everything He has told me is true, whether or not I accept it, walk it out or even believe it. It is still true.

I have learned that God is sovereign. "Whatever the Lord pleases he does, in Heaven and in Earth, in the seas and in all deep places." Psalms 135:6 God is going to do whatever He wants to do, whether or not I participate. So I might as well get on board.

I have learned that God has a plan for me. "For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 Purpose is the reason for which something is created or why it exists. Hope is a feeling of expectation and a desire for something to happen. God says there is a reason I exist and there is a desire for something to happen. Something that I make happen.

Basically, whatever God has spoken to you and about you is truth. It cannot be erased or denied because He cannot lie. He has every intention of seeing that thing come to pass because it is what He wants to happen. And He has purposed YOU for it. He will give you everything you need to get it done.

For me, I need to move out of my own way and let God do what He is going to do. I have to lean on Him, let His words flow and let the Holy Spirit guide.

I need to remember and never again forget.

In love,
Mona

A Black Brother (Guest Post by Patrice James)

2017-11-07T13:41:00.002-05:00

A black brother struggles on the corner
While the other is being pulled away by a coroner.
Looking for a job is what you might say,
Not quite, because he is there everyday.

Looking for a chance to survive
Is what everyone is trying to do.
But what can we say
When we bury a black brother every day?

Why must we kill to get our point across?
Every time we do, there is another loss.
Why must we use a gun to prove that we are bad?
The person that you may kill is all that someone else has ever had.

We must take a little time to come together.
Maybe if we do, we might just live forever.
For there is more than one way,
For a black brother to survive today.

If you have a problem what should you do?
Talk to an adult or someone that can help you.
For turning to drugs, crack and cocaine
Will do nothing but make you insane.

Give respect and you shall receive,
Don't leave your parents with sorrow and grieve.
So don't give up because there is more than one way
For a black brother to survive today.

#MeToo

2017-10-30T10:27:00.000-04:00

I’m about to share a story that I haven’t told many people. I don’t know why I still hold on to this secret. Maybe there is still shame and embarrassment involved. I’m not sure.

My first sexual experience was when I was 15 years old. It was date rape, although we didn’t have a term like date rape at the time. I didn’t realize it was that until many years later.

I had met a boy, a fine looking boy, that I liked and thought liked me too. I don’t know why he would have though. He was gorgeous and I was... well I was me. Awkward, thick, insecure and the list goes on. I don’t remember how we met (there are many things I’ve forgotten) but I do remember him inviting me over to his house after school. It was December 15, 1983 - that I will never forget.

I took the bus to his house after school. We were alone in his room and we started kissing. One thing led to another and I was on his bed. He said he wanted to “do it”. I said no and he said that I wasn’t going to come over there, tease him and not give him any. He was angry but not violent. He undressed me and had sex with me against my will. I didn't scream and I didn't fight. I was scared - too scared to do anything but lay there and take it. It was all a blur. When it was over I remember getting dressed, him kissing me on the forehead and walking me to the bus stop.

I never told a soul. I held that secret for more than 25 years. For a variety of reasons, self-shame, fear of being accused of being fast and loose, being slut-shamed before slut-shaming was even a thing, feeling like I brought on myself because I shouldn't have been there, and the list goes on and on.

I revealed that secret to total strangers on Twitter one day several years ago. I can't remember why. Probably because it was a safe space to tell the story.

That's all. Just wanted to share my story. And too many of us have a story to tell.

In love,
Mona

Begin to Believe

2017-07-22T16:11:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite movies of all time is The Matrix, the story of Neo, a man on a mission of discovery about himself and the world he inhabits. Neo is told by Morpheus that he is "The One", the person who was born to win a war against the machines and set humans free. Neo is naturally skeptical of this information and is taken to visit the all-knowing Oracle. The Oracle, aware of Neo's disbelief, tells him "you have the gift but it looks like you're waiting for something."

Later in the movie, Morpheus is captured and Neo works to set him free, but he himself is trapped in the Matrix. Confronted by the nemesis agent, Mr. Smith, Neo has two choices; run or face Mr. Smith. He opts to stay and fight. When Morpheus is asked what's he doing, Morpheus says "he's beginning to believe."

---

Hearing versus believing. Do we really need to line up at the altar Sunday after Sunday for the Man or Woman of God to tell us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made? Do we need to continuously, month after month, hear that God has a purpose and a plan for our lives? That the thoughts He has toward us are good and not evil? That before we were formed in our mother's wombs He knew us and set us apart? Year over year hearing the same thing over and over and over?

At some point, we have to move from hearing to believing. We have to simply know that it's true. We have to walk in this belief because otherwise we will forever "be waiting for something". Waiting for a different Prophet to speak a word over us; waiting for a different person to teach bible study; waiting for the perfect circumstance to arise so that we can finally begin to listen.

No. The time is now. The truth is the truth and no one needs to tell us anymore. We have to begin to believe that through Christ all things are possible; that God's grace is sufficient; that the joy of the Lord is our strength; that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of a sound mind.

---

When Neo confronts Mr. Smith, he puts up a good long fight. But he doesn't win. It is only after Neo dies that he comes into full knowledge of who he is and the power he possesses. We have to die to self and let the Spirit of the Lord take over. It is only then that we can fight the war to set the captives free; only then can we be atmosphere changers and life changers.

Just like Neo, we were born to be "The One" but there is a process. First we hear. Then we believe. And finally we die to self, reborn to walk in the Spirit, exercise the power of the Spirit; overcome by the Spirit and finally live in victory.

In love,
Mona

Fireworks and Forgiveness

2017-07-02T19:40:00.001-04:00

Today my Pastor, Viatta Carter, preached a message called "The Pain Produces The Promise" about how who we are is the product of everything that we've gone through in our lives; the good, the bad and the ugly. Ultimately it's about learning how to see our trials and tribulations from a different perspective, and to respond differently than we normally do. We need to see those things as a part of the process of God making us into who He wants us to be.

I started thinking about the things in my life that have cause me pain, the way I responded - usually negatively - and how God had, in the end, worked it out for my good.

For many years, the Fourth of July had been a very difficult day for me. It was on that day in 2009, under the backdrop of Independence Day fireworks that my marriage began to end and my life was forever changed.

I've written extensively about it so I won't rehash it again. When I think about what has surely been one of the most painful things that has ever happened to me, I often only think of the negative things; the breakup of a strong and happy marriage, the cracking of the family foundation, the effects on my finances and worse yet, the damage to my mental health. But I need to start thinking about the ways in which God has used that awful time to make me better.

The first positive thing was Fanning the Flames of Faith. I only started this blog as a way to deal with it all, first using coded language and stories, and then finally with full transparency. It began as a way to try to keep my sanity through the roller coaster ride that was my life and has now become an attempt to encourage others, and myself, through the Word of God; to remind people of what He says about them.

My personal relationship with God changed. I learned how to really pray, to seek His face and to trust when I couldn't see a way forward. That "process" was more difficult than what those few words show. It was one of the greatest struggles of my life, to give in completely, because I'm such a control freak.

I learned to ask for help. I spent many many years pretending that I was okay, until a severe depression took hold. I learned that Christians need to stop shying away from dealing with mental health, and to stop telling people to "pray it away". I couldn't pray. But medication and therapy helped to get me back to a place where I could. I needed faith and medicine.

But most importantly, I learned to forgive. Forgiveness wasn't for him, it was for me. For my spiritual health and wellness. It was the only way I was going to be able to try and claw my way forward.

"Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven." Matthew 18:21-22

How could I not forgive someone I loved in the same way that God has forgiven me? I decided that I wasn't going let this horrible event totally destroy me and make me bitter. I could have, easily, given in to hate and anger, but I want to be better than that. God wants me to be better than that. Did he deserve it? It doesn't matter. Neither did I when God forgave me.

Forgiving him released me to really look at people differently. To realize that everyone is going through something. Everyone is in some kind of pain. Everyone is deserving of compassion and grace, not just from God, but from me. Just as I am deserving of it from others. Things just don't bother me like they used to. People are people, they make mistakes, they are mean, they talk about folks, they feel superior, they look down on others, but so what? Pray for them and keep it moving. Because I don't know what they are dealing with. I am not aware of their particular type of pain, so because of that, I forgive and continue to love. Just like I hope they do for me. But what if they don't? Again, so what? God's got me.

That summer of 2009, God gave me scripture to rehearse. "Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth. And I will cause the captives of Judah and the captives of Israel to return, and will rebuild those places as at the first. I will cleanse them from all their iniquity by which they have sinned against Me, and I will pardon all their iniquities by which they have sinned and by which they have transgressed against Me." Jeremiah 33:6-8

After 8 years, my ex-husband and I have a strong and bonded relationship. We are family. There is no bitterness between us. We have moved beyond past mistakes and there is nothing we wouldn't do for one another. We are healthy and at peace.

We've gone from fireworks to forgiveness to friendship. The process was so so difficult, but the divorce was just a small part of the 37 years that we've known each other. The pain ended and God was fulfilling His promise the whole time. Even when I couldn't see it.

Everything In Its Proper Perspective

2017-05-28T23:52:00.000-04:00

My father used to say "everything in its proper perspective". And I have to admit that for many years, I had NO IDEA what this meant. It seemed like, no matter the circumstance, he found a way to use it.

When I was supposed to clean my room: Everything in its proper perspective.

When I questioned him about something: Everything in its proper perspective.

When I was concerned about school or my teenage angst: Ramona, everything in its proper perspective.

What he meant was everything had a right time and place. It was up to me to make sure that my life, my mind and my decisions were in proper perspective, in right shape and at the right moment.

Perspective is how you see things or a point of view. But it's also being able to tell what is and is not important.

Often times we get to stuck on where we are NOT that we lose perspective on where we are supposed to be going. We are so busy recounting all of things that we think are wrong our lives, that we cannot see what is totally right. We obsess on what is missing and lose sight of everything good around us.

Some days you have to stop and smell the roses. I mean literally take a look around you and see all the ways that God has blessed you. First and foremost, you're alive and breathing. That deserves a praise break in and of itself.

*happy feet*

You are healthy. You have a roof over your head. Your lights are on. Your belly is full. You have clothes and shoes in the closet. You might even have $25 in the bank. You have friends and family who love you. You have a job, a car, a significant other.

You may have less or you may have more. But you have something else that's more important.

You have a purpose. You have lives that you impact. You have a God-given destiny. You matter.

I know you might not think you do, but God knows. Because that purpose is His. That compassion you show? That's God. When you forgive the unforgivable? That's God. When you love the unlovable? That's God. When you sing the church house down? That's God. Because you are affecting lives; in ways that you cannot imagine.

Stop selling yourself short. Stop selling God short. Get, and keep, a proper perspective about yourself. You are God's chosen.

You. Make. A. Difference.

So tomorrow morning, stand in the mirror and remind yourself that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and then read Psalm 139 Link---> Psalm 139

That alone will help you keep everything in its proper perspective.

In love,
Mona

Guest Post: I Ain't Scared No More

2017-05-15T10:34:00.002-04:00

When I was a young girl maybe like 7 or 8 in age I loved to watch scary movies. Jason, It, Pet Cemetery, a long list and I was never afraid. Until the day I watched Nightmare on Elm Street. It terrified me! You remember, it was the one with the the guy (Freddy Kruger) who wore a glove with razors as finger and wore that super ugly sweater, yeah him. He was killing kids and had been arrested and released on a technicality and so a group of outrage parents cornered him and burned him alive in a huge furnace and somehow he becomes the nightmare demon-spirit. He came back to torture the kids of the parents who had killed him. He would kill them in their dreams and it would kill them in real life.

My poor dad would stay up all night counting sheep with me. Until one night I woke up, screaming and crying the "demon killed one of the sheep." On that night, probably out of frustration and lack of sleep, he asked "why does this one scare you so much and why do you keep sneaking and watching it?" My response at a young age was very prophetic and neither of us would know it until much later on in life, but I said "because daddy there really is a nightmare demon, one who will come and kill you in your dreams and Nancy has almost figured out how to beat him and I need to know how she does it."

He grabbed me close and laid me on his chest and said "No baby, Freddy isn't real." See Nancy was one of the teens who had watched many of her friends get killed but she had begun to figure out how to defeat Freddy. By studying some ancient cultures she figured out that she could bring things to the real world with her and that if she turned her back on him and feared him not, it would drain his power and he wouldn't be able to hurt her.

Fast forward to present day and I still wake up screaming and crying "the demon is killing the sheep!" Yup you heard me right. The Bible tells us in John 10:10 "The enemy comes to steal kill and destroy" (NIV). He comes and kills your dreams and you begin to parish in real life. I see it today as clear as I seen it then and I can no longer sit and watch my friends, family even strangers die.

My dad is still a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Shoot I'm sure if I called him he'd count sheep with me. But this time it is my Heavenly Father who comforts me, because the Bible also tell me in John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." See Nancy had to figure out how to defeat Freddy on her own but we, my brothers and sisters, don't. We know going in that our Father has already defeated our demons, yes all of them. What we can learn from Nancy is to study our Word; that turning our backs on the demons take away their power and to fear not. We have a gift that takes care everything else for us. "Thank You Jesus!"

Isaiah 41:10 reads "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

"GLORY"! See all you have to do when that demon-spirit of doubt, fear, rejection, guilt, condemnation, low self esteem, depression, alcoholism, gambling, who ever or whatever comes is to remember these things: We were told they would come! Turn your back on it! Fear not! Run with your mind on "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:8

You can't see me but I actually took a praise break and gave a little shout because you can snatch that dream right out that demons hand and bring it right back to real life with you because "no weapons formed against you shall prosper" Isaiah 54:17.

The demon that has come to torture the children of the Parent who has destroyed him has no power over us. Be of good courage and know that you are not alone. God is with you, He is your strength and your peace. Someone is always praying for you even when you don't know it.

Be Blessed,
Sis Denise Esters

Prayer for the Dying

2017-03-22T09:20:00.000-04:00

Today many people woke up to death. It may have been the death of a loved one or the death of a cherished dream. But worse, it might have been the death of hope and faith.

We are all dying. We began dying the moment we are born.

There is a poem The Dash by Linda Ellis that illustrates that your tombstone has two dates, the date you were born and the date you died. Grandma Jessie's is 1921-2002. But that life is lived in the 'dash'. What's important is what you do while you live.

"Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You. Thus I will bless You while I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name." Psalm 63:3-4

WHILE I LIVE, I am going to remember that God has a purpose and a plan for my life, no matter what it looks like right now.

WHILE I LIVE, I am going to discover and embrace who God says I am.

WHILE I LIVE, I am going to speak life to others and to myself.

WHILE I LIVE, I am going to develop and deepen my personal relationship with God.

WHILE I LIVE, I will speak what thus sayeth the Lord.

Life is challenging in so many different ways. God never said it would be easy, in fact He said "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

So for now, today, right this minute... YOU WILL LIVE AND NOT DIE! And while you live, you have work to do. You have people to forgive (yourself included), you have prayers to make and worship to give. You only have right now to do it. Because right now, you are in the dash.

"Praise the Lord, O my soul! While I live I will praise the Lord; I will sing praises to my God while I have my being." Psalm 14:1-2

In love,
Mona

Double Exposure

2017-03-14T20:00:00.002-04:00

Most of us are old enough to remember 35mm cameras and film. Long before cell phones cameras came along, we bought small canisters of film, inserted them into our cameras, took the exposed end and threaded it through the back of the camera. We then took all of the pictures on the roll of film and dropped it off to a place like Walgreens to be developed. Three days later, we went back and picked up a yellow envelop with a sticky flap and inside were the beautiful pictures of family and friends that we'd captured.

But what happened to the roll of film after we dropped it off? A technician somewhere opened the canister and took the film through a long and painful process. The film, which is light sensitive and prone to easy destruction if exposed, is carefully removed from the small canister and rinsed in water. It is then subject to numerous rinses in various harsh chemicals to remove its light sensitivity and help the images to develop. This process creates a 'negative' which, when you see it, is not quite the picture you took. Light is dark and dark is light. This 'negative' is then fed into a machine which, clearly using magic and technology, turns the negative image into a positive one. Then the images are printed and voila! A lovely color photo.

So much of our 'stuff' - our fears, anxieties, issues, problems, etc - are like that light sensitive film just coming out of the canister. We have to expose it, wash it and process it. We are at a very fragile state. We have to go through the harsh process of reliving that which threatens to eat us alive. We have to remember the abuse, remember the pain, remember the rejection. We have to LOOK at it squarely in the face and remind ourselves that it did not kill us.

And even after we've done that, often what results is negative. We have exposed self-doubt, hatred, denial and unforgiveness. But that's not the final picture. That's not the end result. If we CONTINUE with the process - if we move forward and make the choice to not let this hold us back, what results is positive. We must lay it down. We have to tell the story. We have to open our mouths and speak the truth of the tragedies that have befallen us. We have to shine a light on our demons and say "this is my stuff, here it is and I AM STILL HERE!" Then the grip of those demons are loosened.

Your restoration is close at hand. But there is a process. If you want healing and deliverance you're going to have to do the hard work of exposing, washing clean, and letting it develop into something beautiful - your deliverance.

Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth. And I will cause the captives of Judah and the captives of Israel to return, and will rebuild those places as at the first. Jeremiah 33:6-7

Thus says the Lord: ‘Again there shall be heard in this place—of which you say, “It is desolate, without man and without beast”—in the cities of Judah, in the streets of Jerusalem that are desolate, without man and without inhabitant and without beast, 11 the voice of joy and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the voice of those who will say “Praise the Lord of hosts, for the Lord is good, for His mercy endures forever” Jeremiah 33:10-11

God promises to heal you, return you to your rightful place and give you peace. And in return, all He asks for is your praise.

In love,
Mona

Secrets & Lies

2017-02-20T14:52:00.001-05:00

I started smoking when I was 15 years old. I quit on my 35th birthday after it dawned on me that I had been smoking for 20 years. Twenty years is a long time to do anything. I started again at the end of 2014 and quit again one week ago today. So yeah, I was smoking on the down low for just over 2 years. Some people knew, but not that many. I kept the secret from everyone who didn't have to know.

I am not really sure what made me start again after 11 years, boredom probably and on some level I don't think I ever stopped missing it. It was stupid and damaging and I was living a huge lie.

I work with our health ministry and I encourage living a healthy lifestyle while smoking every day. This is hard to admit and I know I am going to disappoint a lot of people whose opinion of me matters. But I also know that these people, while they will be upset and disappointed, will not stop loving me. They will correct me, and rightly so, and maybe even suggest that I stop working with the health ministry, as would be their right to do so. And if they did, I would accept it and ask no questions. Because carrying around that lie has done more to damage my right standing with God than anything else.

And I want to be right. I want to live the transparent life that I am always talking about. And one step in that direction is to let go of the secrets and lies that hold me back. And we all have them. We all have that thing, whether we did it to ourselves, or someone did it to us, that keeps us from actually being free.

And the time is now to start revealing these things. You don't have to have a blog to let the past go. You have to have a trusted pastor, mentor or friend. You have to have someone who hears with God's ear and sees with God's eyes. You have to have someone with the compassion and grace that comes from having a relationship with the Lord. Call that person, text that person, go to their house and unburden yourself.

Let God begin to do the work of healing you from your past and allow Him to find a way to use that past, that pain, that lie, that secret to push you forward into your destiny. Telling it won't kill you. Revealing it won't turn those who love you away. Opening up won't sink you lower, it will free you. Free you to turn the page on your past and reveal a fresh unwritten page of your future. Pastor Darryl's has been teaching about turning the page so I won't take credit for this amazing analogy.

As I finish this blog and prepare to post it, I am afraid of reactions. But I know that God still loves me. And I'm sure many of you do too, but in reality I'm beginning to see that I love me as well. I love myself enough to expose myself in order for my soul to be free and to show you that you can do it too.

This is from The Message Matthew 14:24-26 "Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?"

In love,
Mona

Scared Straight

2017-02-19T22:14:00.002-05:00

I've been running scared a long long time. Scared to fully commit myself to whatever God has in store for me. Scared to be used. Scared to write. Scared to speak. Scared to admit it out loud and terrified to type it in my blog.

God and I have had so many fits and starts during the last twenty or so years. I move forward one inch, see a glimpse of what God wants me to do and then I run back a mile.

I am a victim of my own flesh. Victim of worrying about what people might think about me. Victim of wondering if any of this is real. Am I really speaking in tongues when I worship? Am I really calling on heaven when I pray? Am I really effective when I speak? Could this all be in my own mind?

What will this person have to say? Or that person? If I told someone that I was going to be used by God, would they express disbelief that I was even a Christian? Would they remind me of the time I used those curse words or drank that wine? Would they question God's judgement to use me of all people?

I am so scared that I have immobilized myself by fear. What if I say something wrong? What if I fail? What if I cause harm? What if.... I can't even type all the what ifs I use as an excuse to do nothing.

But I'm tired of running. Tired of not truly being who I am supposed to be. Tired of how hard I work to avoid it. Tired of coming up with new and unique reasons not to just do the work.

I can't use my mom as an excuse. I can't use my family. I can't use work. I can't use lack of confidence and I can't use fear.

My best friend Lisa said that very early on when we first met that she saw me standing at a pulpit. God has not called to the pulpit in that way, but He did give me a voice to speak and I've been swallowing that voice for a long time.

Denise said I have to just jump out of the plane and not pull the ripcord. That requires trust and belief that the parachute will open when it's time. I have to trust that God knew what He was doing when He called me. I have to believe that He wouldn't put me out there to fail. I have to know that He will give me the words to speak and He will give the listeners the ears to hear.

I'm still scared but I said today that I was going to be all in. The best and worst part about that is that I don't even know what that means or what it's going to look like but here is where I say "so what?"

We'll just have to see what happens. But I do know that no matter what it is, God will get the glory from my life. And He will surround me with the people I need to push me and pull me into shape.

So I'm braced for whatever is next and you're coming with me. I can't do it alone.

In love,
Mona

Reasons and Seasons and Lifetimes

2017-02-18T23:55:00.000-05:00

There is a poem that begins "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person."

The poem says 'reason' people are are there to fulfill a need, to aid you in something immediate and once the need is met, they are gone.

'Season' people come to help you grow. The bring laughter, peace and teach you things you didn't know. They bring you joy.

'Lifetime' people teach you lifelong lessons; lessons that you learn and then pay forward to teach someone else. Lifetime folks help you build solid emotional foundations that you continue to build upon.

As I get older, I think a lot about the people in my life who I classified as reasons, seasons or lifetimes, only to find out over time that I was wrong. Those who I thought were only going to be there for an insignificant reason turned out to remain for long long seasons of my life. And the ones that I was confident were with me for life actually ended up being just a seasonal blip. Seasons don't have a defined time. A season can be decades.

One expects that familial relationships are for a lifetime. But families fall out, parents and children drift apart, sisters and brothers stop speaking to one another. Husbands and wives divorce. We begin, or are born into, these relationship that we are certain will last for life but sadly we are wrong. That's not to say that we didn't get a lifetime worth of love, laughter and learning. We most likely did and then some. But things end. People walk away, drift away or die.

Thinking about it started to make me sad, but then I was reminded that Jesus said "lo, I am with you always, even until the end of the age." Matthew 28:20

He is actually the only one guaranteed for a lifetime. He said He is with you - not was with, or gonna be with, but IS with, right now at this very moment. When everyone else is gone, Jesus is with you, right where you are. In the midst of your pain, hurt, sadness, joy, blessings, failures and successes. When you are up and when you are down. When relationships end and at the beginning of new ones. On the job and in the unemployment line. When the kids are acting up and when your parents pass away. When you remember the abuses you suffered and when you acted completely out of character and hurt the ones you love. He is still there. And He is always going to be there. Until the end of time.

He loves you. It doesn't matter what you've done, who you've hurt, who hurt you, who walked away from you or who you walked away from. He loves you still and always.

"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

I am grateful for the people who were in my life for a reason, and for those who were/are here for a season but my heart is full of joy for the One who is here for my lifetime. And nothing will separate us.

In love,
Mona

Companion Care

2017-02-12T22:09:00.001-05:00

I have blogged often about my loneliness. I used to think it was the absence of a companion, but lately I've realized that its more likely the absence of feeling necessary to someone. That might be the same thing, but I'm not sure.

I miss a lot of things about being married and having my family under one roof. I miss the sense of someone being there. I miss the laughter and the noise of togetherness. I miss the daily presence of folks who love you and need you around.

Now don't get me wrong, I know they still love me and, I'm sure on some level, they still need me. But not like they did when they were dependent on me for their very survival. The hardest part about being an empty-nester, is not only that they aren't physically around, but that you aren't necessary for the big things.

It doesn't need to be said that I am so very proud of my adults, who have taken in all of the lessons that we tried to teach them, and are applying them every single day. They are independent and resilient and living life as grandly as they can.

So where does that leave me? I previously thought this gaping hole could be filled by a relationship and it wasn't until recently that it has started to dawn on me that there is a reason that God hasn't sent anyone. He really truly wants me to see Him as my constant companion. And to be honest, I haven't take care of that companionship like I should have. Not to say that I haven't prayed and worshipped and gone to church. I was seeing God as many of His other manifestations. God the Provider (Jehovah Jireh), God the Healer (Jehovah Rapha), God of Peace (Jehovah Shalom) , etc. But not as God the Companion (Emmanuel - God with us).

As I struggle with my loneliness, I came across a well-known scripture "Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:14

I have to rehearse this thing. I have to paste this to mirror and read it every day. I have to take hold of God telling me not be afraid because I am not alone. He is with me. And when I get weak, when I worry that I am going to die alone, when I fret that my life has become mundane and useless, this will remind me otherwise.

If you are feeling like this with me, let's agree to hold each other up in our prayers, to stand in the gap for each other. I don't have to know your name, just know that I will seek God on behalf of everyone who might be is in this place.

In love,
Mona

Dancing at Christmas

2016-12-15T20:04:00.000-05:00

As the Christmas season approaches and soon the beginning of a brand new year, I am thinking often about what has happened throughout the year.

As the year began, my mom was dealing with severe and crippling back issues. As the months went on, her posture worsened until she was walking with a walker stooped over to almost a 45 degree angle. She was in agonizing pain all of the time, the kind of pain that would immobilize most people. And yet she kept going, kept working, kept moving and even slowly kept dancing at church.

Anyone who's ever seen Phyllis praising at church knows she loves to dance in the aisles as the Spirit leads. She's a praiser and dance is one of the ways she worships.

In May, she had back surgery which almost took her life. I talk a little bit about it here: My Final Influence. It was the most terrified I think I'd ever been. But imagine my tears during first PT session when I saw her standing upright. She was moving like a snail, one small shuffling step at a time, but she was going forward, head up and deep breathing.

Her entire recovery was painful, slow, and frustrating. She had several setbacks during the summer, but still it took a whole lot of us keep her sitting still to give her body the chance to heal.

But still in all, when in church, she tried to dance, even with her walker and eventually with her cane. Nothing was going to stop her praise.

She got increasingly better, month over month. By the end of the summer, she was back leading the Usher Board and singing in the women's choir.

I watched her this past Sunday, singing about how the Lord has healed her body. I marveled at how upright she was standing and how fast her feet where moving as she praised up and down the aisle. I marveled at the miracle that is Phyllis Jackson, the miracle that God performed for her and how faithful He is.

Because through all of it, she NEVER stopped giving God glory. NEVER stopped believing in her healing. NEVER gave up on God's promises. Even when literally standing at the threshold of death's door.

So to you, who may be going through your own painful season, whether it is physical, emotional, or spiritual pain, NEVER give up on God. He has your healing at hand. Your breakthrough is just around the corner but you must endure until it comes. You have to keep praising, keep praying, keep worshipping and most importantly keep believing.

I know it may seem like you've been going through for a long time, but trust God that He has something for you during this time. You are either maturing, growing your faith or stretching your arms towards Him. All things that move you towards His promise to you.

Keep the faith.

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:1-5

Keep dancing.

In love, Mona

Pass the Stain Remover

2016-12-11T21:41:00.002-05:00

If your house was like mine, you had a beautiful living room that you weren't allowed to step one foot in because it was for guests who never seem to come over even though they have a whole room assigned for their impending visit.

Being the oldest of four, the living room was the only room that I could sneak off to and have some peace and quite. One day while seeking some solace from my sister's music and my brothers horse playing, I went into my mothers living room with a cup of red kook-aid, laid on the carpet and read a book. I heard a loud thump from upstairs, which startled me, causing me to drop the cup of red juice right on my mother's carpet.

I hopped up and began to scrub the carpet with warm water and dish soap with no luck! I thought quickly, since I knew my mother would be home soon, and grabbed the large floor plant she had near by and moved it slightly over the spot covering it perfectly. Or so I thought.

A week later my mother noticed the stain on her carpet. She quickly and loudly shouted my name and inquired about the stain. After explaining what had occurred my mother walked me through the steps of properly cleaning a stain and told me that by not cleaning it properly and covering it to hide it, I made removing the stain harder and although it would come clean it would take deeper and harder work to restore the carpet to a clean state.

Reminiscing about that time in my childhood made me realize that many of us are like that with our Spiritual Father. We do things that cause a stain on our spiritual garment and we try to take care of it on our own, and when we see that we can't, we try to cover it up, not knowing all along that our father "God" is just waiting on us to come to Him and tell him what we've done so that He can tell us what to do to clean it and make it right.

The good news is it's not to late! You can still get it right and clean but it's just going to take some deeper and harder work to make it happen and if by chance you wait a little too long, replace the carpet and start over. No one knows but you and God.

Be Blessed,
Sis Denise

Flawed Logic

2016-10-19T10:56:00.000-04:00

I have spent so much time staring at myself in the mirror counting up all of my physical flaws. From the kinky coils of my head to the surgical scar on my foot and every inch and pound in between.

I have wondered if these lumps and bumps were the reason that I am still single. If the sagging and drooping of age had taken a final toll on the prospects of a love life. What do people see when they look at me? Certainly not what I see when I look at myself.

And then He reminded me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:14)

I remembered that this body brought forth two beautiful children. These arms consoled friends through the tragedy of losing ones they loved. These knees bent in prayer for the heartbroken and lost. This behind sat down and these ears listened to stories of betrayal, assault, molestation and abandonment and these lips spoke life.

This body, in part and as a whole, has been used as God's instrument for His divine purpose. Who am I to question His creation. He who knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb?

"Mona," He whispered, "You are altogether beautiful, my darling. There is no flaw in you." (Song of Solomon 4:7)

My dearest woman or man of God, there is no flaw in you. Use your temple to uplift God and mankind. Be His chosen and flawless vessel.

In love,
Mona

Removing the Bandaid

2016-10-04T19:56:00.000-04:00

I recently re-read my entire blog. It was born in 2009 as I was trying to cope with my failing marriage. I am truly in awe of God when I look back at what I have gone through, thrived in and survived for the past 7 years.

I once wrote a piece called "Looking Back" about how every now and again you need to look back to see how far you've come in your journey. It's so easy to ignore your growth and development in Christ - especially when you often feel like you're moving from crisis to crisis. But it is an important step to take so see that God has been bringing you along and moving your forward, even if you don't notice it.

My journey to healing took a long, long time as I moved from faith to faithless and back again; from heartbreak and heartache to being heartened. Like the Children of Israel, I probably took ten times longer to get here than needed because of my stubbornness and stiff-necked ways. I went left when I should have gone right and ran when I should have walked but God was faithful anyhow. And here I sit, fingers moving along this same old raggedy but steady Macbook Pro keyboard, blogging as I have for the last 7 years.

In the past years, I have suffered depression, near-ruin financially, an ill-planned move, my loss of faith. But as of now, I plan to look forward. I am removing the band-aid of my past blogs from my heart and mind because I have been healed.

I was reminded that, like Jeremiah, I have a purpose and a destiny. "Then the Lord put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me “Behold, I have put My words in your mouth. See, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out and to pull down, to destroy and to throw down, to build and to plant.” Jeremiah 1:9-10

I was reminded, like Timothy, that my lineage as rooted in the Gospel. "when I call to remembrance the genuine faith that is in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded is in you also. Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands." 2 Timothy 1:6-7

So stir up the gifts is what I am going to do. I don't consider myself a prophet or preacher by any stretch of the imagination. But I will speak what thus sayeth the Lord. Mostly he'll be talking to me about my own life and my own journey of faith and I'll just share with you what He says.

For those of us who are feeling unnecessary and unloved God says “But you, Israel, are My servant, Jacob whom I have chosen, The descendants of Abraham My friend. You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, And called from its farthest regions, And said to you, ‘You are My servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’” Isaiah 41:8-10

God has a purpose and a plan for your life. But you're not going to open your mailbox and find it there. You aren't going to find your soulmate in Wegmans - trust me I've looked - but you will find your purpose in the Bible. You will find it in your prayer time and in your meditation with the Holy Spirit. Seek and ye shall find. Ask God to show you WHO you are, WHOSE you are and WHY you are. He will reveal it.

So we all have some work to do. Here's to our journey forward.

In love,
Mona

My Final Influence

2016-05-20T15:01:00.000-04:00

When I think about the people who have had the most influence in my life, I think of my dad Charles Jackson, my grandmother Jessie Ray, my aunt Clorica Moore and of course my mom Phyllis Jackson. Each of them taught me critical things about life and love.

I'm a "daddy's girl" through and through. My relationship with my father was one of unconditional love and support. He taught me how to be me; how to love and respect myself and to know that I could do anything I set my mind to do. He taught me to speak my mind, believe in myself and trust my instincts. He embodied the creation of my self-esteem. He died on October 1, 1993 but not before shaping me permanently.

My grandmother was wisdom personified. Our relationship was unique in that as a child she was like my mother, but as an adult she was like my friend. We drank coffee and talked endlessly about love and life. She told me things about her life that she had never shared with any of her children. She could be free with me without constraints, and I with her. She embodied my nurturing side. She died on April 14, 2002.

My aunt Clo was all about family. She loved, valued and appreciated her parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. I don't know if it was because she never had any children of her own but family was everything. She would get together and barbecue on Flag Day if it was up to her. She united us. She would give her last to anyone in need. She was selfless to a fault. She was very much a second mom to me and our relationship was much more than aunt/niece. She embodied my love for family and my desire to give. She died on December 8, 2008.

And then there's mom. I don't even have the ability to talk about all that mom is to me. She embodies fully helping me to understand and develop my relationship with God, my faith and my strengths. I would do her a disservice trying to write down how I feel about her. I just couldn't do it justice.

I almost lost her recently. She had surgery and there were complications. Serious ones. I spent 45 minutes in the surgical waiting room thinking that she must have died because they were taking so long and not updating me. I stared down the hall waiting for the surgeon to walk out and tell me that she was gone. But she wasn't. But God.

Then I saw her in the ICU for several day on a breathing machine and I thought she wasn't going to make it through those nights. But she did. I saw her enduring pain that threatened to have her want to give up on life. But she didn't. God has other plans.

But I am so mindful that it was close. Too close for comfort for me. And I know in my logical mind that she's on the road to recovery but this has been more difficult to process than I have been willing to let on. I don't let on because at the end of the day this isn't about me and maybe I'm just being selfish because I want my mom to live forever.

But I am being selfish because I want my mom to live forever.

Because I don't know how to do this without her. I don't even know what "THIS" is but whatever it is, I want her here to give me guidance and advice. To remind me of God's purpose for me. To show me exactly what it means to praise your way through. To help me understand the power of faith, how to count it all joy and how to claim your healing despite the circumstances. To encourage me in my gifts and to let me know again that God has a plan. To preach the house down. To be the mother to the motherless and a friend to the lonely. To claim other women's daughters as her own spiritually and to nurture them through. To be here.

I am blessed that at nearly 48 I still have my mom, but she's the last one of Those Who Made Me and I'm not ready to let her go.

"Her children rise up and call her blessed. Her husband also, and he praises her. “Many daughters have done well, but you excel them all.” Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates." Proverbs 31:28-31

In love,
Mona

So What

2016-03-20T15:47:00.002-04:00

They say that transparency is painful. For me it's terrifying. It seems easy to sit at your computer and type out all of your thoughts and feelings. And it is. It's often quite healing. But it's another thing entirely to post those thoughts to the internet and to share them with the world. It's exposing yourself on a whole other level. Not knowing what anyone will think or say about your fears and anxieties. Especially not knowing what Christians will think when you talk about trust issues with God, or faith failing you in times of crisis. But then I remember that this isn't about them, or about me.

I've written about my loneliness before. But for the last several months this loneliness has taken on another layer. My dog Gizmo died in October. He was almost 15 and he lived a full and happy life. It was a truly hard thing to go through watching him literally lay down and die before my very eyes. Then 4 months later in February, I had to put my almost 13 year old dog Spike down. What an awful but necessary choice to have to make. Losing both of my beloved boys in 4 months left such a gaping hole in my life.

All these years, I've said that it's just been me and the boys. When I came home, the boys were here. They were aging and slept a lot, but they were here. And now they aren't. And the silence in the house is deafening. They never barked but their absence is thick in the air. And I truly have never been more alone than I am right now. Never more lonely.

When the kids were younger, I remember looking forward to the days when they would be grown and on their own, able to take care of themselves without me. It's what I spent their whole lifetimes preparing them for. But then it actually happened. They grew up and went out to forge their own futures. One is married and the other lives in a different city. They are happy and well-adjusted and healthy and making their own way in the world. It's everything I ever wanted. But I miss them.

Brian and I are divorced. We are dear friends nowadays and I'm grateful for that. We check in on each other to make sure everything is good and I know we are better off than many divorced couples out there. But he's not here.

I haven't been in a relationship in 16 months. So there's no boyfriend here either.

No one is.

Don't get me wrong. I have family and friends and a great church family. But they aren't here either. They are all living their lives, like they are supposed to. It's just me.

And lately I've been feeling the weight of that absence. I've been in church surrounded by families and music and The Word have felt the most alone ever. It's not good,

I cry about it sometimes. I yell at God about it sometimes, too but it doesn't change anything. Then Denise said "so what? God is good anyway."

"So what" is a place I'm working towards. I am praying for a "so what" spirit about my life, knowing that there is a purpose and a plan. And knowing that above all, it's God's timing.

So pray with me that God develops this "so what" in my heart and mind while I wait for whatever He has in store. Or WHOever He has in store.

In love,

Mona

Left at the Gate

2015-12-09T14:37:00.004-05:00

Recently my pastor spoke from Acts 3 about the lame man who was healed.

"Now Peter and John went up together to the temple at the hour of prayer, the ninth hour. And a certain man lame from his mother’s womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms from those who entered the temple; who, seeing Peter and John about to go into the temple, asked for alms. And fixing his eyes on him, with John, Peter said, “Look at us.” So he gave them his attention, expecting to receive something from them. Then Peter said, “Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk.” Acts 3:1-6

Pastor Darryl's focus was on what Peter and John gave the man when they spoke to him with the authority of Jesus Christ. But I got stuck on verse 2: and a certain man lame from his mother’s womb was carried, whom they laid daily at the gate of the temple which is called Beautiful, to ask alms from those who entered the temple;

There were people who carried this man every single day to the gate of the temple. We have to assume they were his friends because they took him every day. And even if we assume that the man had been doing it for, let's say, 10 years, they would have carried this man to the gate 3,650 times. I think you develop quite a relationship doing that.

But my question is how come these friends never took him inside the temple?

Okay, okay, apparently the lame weren't allowed inside the temple because of some Old Testament stuff (see 2 Samuel 5:8 although David used 'lame and blind to talk about the Jebusites and not actual people with disabilities...) HOWEVER...that's not my point.

Sometimes we have to see that we have friends who will take us to the gate but not all the way into the temple. It would seem that the lame man's friends probably really wanted to take him inside, so that he could give praises to God, but they couldn't. They weren't able to. And we probably have some friends like that too.

They want to take us further, push us further, support us further, but they can't for whatever reason. Maybe they haven't gone as far and don't know the way. Maybe they don't really want you to go as far as you can. Maybe their sole purpose in this life is to simply bring you to the gate and leave you there. They leave you there so you can meet your own Peter and John, saints of God who simply tell you with authority to get up and go inside on your own.

I've been thinking a lot about friendships, and relationships, lately, how strong they are, what they endure, and how long they last. And I'm starting to see those who could only bring me to the gate and those who were waiting for me when I got there. And truth be told I'm completely and utterly grateful for all of them. There hasn't been one relationship in my life that hasn't taught me a lifetime of lessons; some good and some bad. But I am wiser all the same.

My relationship with my ex-husband is one that I thought would end after the divorce, but it hasn't. We are truly friends and we really will last 'until death do us part', just not as man and wife. And that's okay.

I have see-you-every-now-and-again-friends, I-like-your-status-on-Facebook friends, hey-we met-on-Twitter-but-you-are-cool friends, see-you-at-church friends, ride-or-die friends, and I-would-give-you-my-last-dollar friends. I'm happy for each and every one. Not all can bring me to the gate. Some don't even know there is a gate! But each one is a part of my journey towards it and through it. And I consider myself truly blessed.

The poor man is hated even by his own neighbor, But the rich has many friends. Proverbs 14:20

Be blessed,
Mona