HeartSpring

The Long Hug Goodbye

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Wed, 23 Sep 2026 19:56:25 +0000

I want to share my experience with my widowed mom whose MS is progressing because I think there are many parts of it that are universal pain that we all benefit from talking about.

Earlier this year, the day after my birthday, we moved my mom to a new assisted living that is in a residential home. It's a blessing. The caregivers are amazing. My mom has her physical, social, and emotional needs met for the first time in years - and it's finally not me, myself, and I trying to meet them.

Sunday my husband and I went to visit her. She was confused and couldn't track my story (which admittedly was very confusing). She didn't know my husband's profession of the past decade. She asked where we lived and didn't remember any of our houses that I described to her. I think anyone and everyone gets upset after visits where they realize more memories are gone.

BUT that wasn't the most distressing part to me. I got really sad when it was called to my attention that it is upsetting for someone with dementia to not be able to track the story. I am grieving that I have maybe never had a mom who I could just go visit and be myself around and tell a story and not have to pay attention to the kind of emotional response that elicited in her. Grieving that I have to temper myself to be with my own mother.

You see, in this photo from eight years ago, I was trying so hard to have a relationship with my mom that wasn't based solely on me doing things for her - her laundry, taking out her recycling...filing. I was trying to raise my own daughter while swimming in the sea of my mom's unmet needs. And let me tell you, it didn't work out. Of all the girls' nights I planned, of all the pizzas I picked up, of all the movies we watched, there wasn't one night that I got to be one of the girls, got to be my mom's daughter instead of her caregiver.

When I reached the end of this girls' night experiment, admitting defeat and that I was unable to extricate myself from a caregiver role with my mother, it was actually pretty devastating for me...and probably for our relationship. My mom admitted to me that she couldn't reciprocate in our relationship, that she had nothing to give me. She told me this verbatim over the phone. I was sitting in my car in the library parking lot. I sat with that for a while and then, realizing I needed a hug, a hug from a mother, I drove to my mom's condo, knocked on her door, and told her that I thought we both needed hugs, that when you're giving a hug, you're getting a hug and vice versa. She was not super receptive but gave into the idea. The first 10 seconds were rigid. Then she actually started melting, then giving me a hug. We stood there for a couple of minutes hugging each other. I'd like to say that hug was a hello hug or a make up hug, but it wasn't. It was probably a goodbye hug. A goodbye to the girl in me who was parenting her parent.

But you don't just immediately put an end to every behavior you've been engaging in for the past 25 years. It's a long goodbye. It's a long goodbye I have with my mom. I say a silent, subconscious prayer every day that when she draws her last breath, I will be at peace with her. That's not just a passive prayer. I put in the work every day to change my heart and my mind bit by bit. It's arduous. I am committed.

So, while it's been an absolute godsend to have these salt of the earth people taking care of my mom the past seven months, Sunday just proved the absence of the caregiving duties isn't in and of itself the resolution. I'm still reeling from the idea of feeling like I need to put my mom's needs before my own.

My aunt told me that when she visits my mom, my mom will tell her, "I don't know how I got so blessed to land in this place." My aunt has righteous indignation on my behalf and tells her, "Amy worked so hard to find this place and move you here." They are both right. I did work my tail off, and we are all blessed by the magic of this place coming into our lives.

My mom doesn't have the memory to hold a grudge anymore. Her needs are being met. When I hugged her goodbye on Sunday, I could feel my mother, my real true mother, the mother of my childhood before all of the expectations for me to care for her. We are getting closer.

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Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, mother and certified Frame of Mind Coach

Grief of a Thousand Cuts

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Wed, 08 Jul 2026 03:08:59 +0000

You might be familiar with the phrase death by a thousand cuts. It's a metaphor for how many tiny injuries are not fatal on their own but ultimately add up to demise. When a loved one is diagnosed with MS or dementia, no one tells you their condition won't kill them, but it will kill your relationship with them slowly one cut at a time over an undisclosed period.

When someone is dealing with a degenerative condition or even addiction, their body is still here and needs caring for, but the person you knew is absent. The version of the person you are deeply connected to is one that will no longer exist...and that version will disappear at some random time. You will have to repeatedly say goodbye to the versions you knew and come to know. You will have to grieve a thousand versions of your loved one, watching them be cut a thousand times.

There is the cut of sudden flashes of irritability or withdrawal. There is the cut of the light in their eyes going out. There is the cut of them being unable to listen or emotionally attune to you. There is the cut of having to take away their car. There is the cut of no longer being able to do activities you both once enjoyed together. There is the cut of unremembered conversations. There is the cut of the trips to rehab. There is the cut of the forgotten birthday. There is the cut of unpaid bills. There is the cut of each unanswered message. There is the cut of a ruined outing. There is the cut of being unable to do simple cognitive tasks. There is the cut of intolerable family dinners.

You knew there would be changes and trials, but you can't predict when they will come. You find yourself caught off guard. You didn't know that every cut your loved one experienced would also create a tear in your relationship, stretching the strength of your connection.

You had no idea how challenging it would be to try to stay engaged with someone who is absent, how you would struggle to stay close to someone who is actually so far. You never imagined you would be asked to say goodbye so many times before the end. You never knew you would be called to ascend to expert levels of acceptance as you acclimate to the new person your loved one is today, next week, and next month. You never realized you'd have to make peace with each of the thousand cuts just to then arrive at the death of their body.

And so it is with love. It is bitter, and it is sweet. There is gratitude, and there is loss. There is pain, and there is peace. There is denial, and there is acceptance. There is closeness, and there is distance. There is fear, and there is hope. There is life, and there is death. And we experience it all...thousands upon thousands of times.

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Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, mother and certified Frame of Mind Coach

Growth Isn't Only Growth

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Wed, 15 Jan 2025 02:51:00 +0000

I preface this post to say that I do not have a green thumb. I don't know what I'm doing as a plant mom. Still, I like to try to grow things and can do pretty well once I figure out the conditions a plant likes.

I have had a pothos plant for many years. This sweet plant has grown so much in the past several months. It's vines are getting so long, they might reach to the front door or the basement soon. I have reveled as I watched new leaves develop, drip with the juices of life, and unfurl. It is such a slow, delicate process full of wonder.

Some weeks I walk by my pothos and notice exciting new growth. Some weeks I see it from afar and perceive how much bigger it is. Some weeks I barely pay it any mind. Some weeks I even forget it's there. Regardless, it continues to grow.

Months ago, I was in awe of a new shoot that had appeared. I began to look at other parts of the plant. I was interested to discover that a couple of the leaves were yellow and a couple more had died and needed to be removed. I thought about how often we are focused on the newness that comes with growth and are completely blind to other activities happening at the same time.

As you are changing, growing, and learning new things, I invite you to also consider the parts of you that are involved in this process. We tend to easily give our attention to what is young and new. Let us also take time to look at the big picture of our selves.

Let us lovingly see and care for the developed parts of us that are putting energy into birthing new aspects of ourselves. That challenge you are rising to meet, that goal you are striving toward, that lesson you are learning, that hardship you are weathering is so precious. We have a hard time recognizing all the energy we are investing into these efforts. We don't easily perceive how important this work is until there is something new to show for it. Rest assured that in this very moment there is a part of you that is standing strong, holding fast, and willing you onward. While it may not garner our attention, it is the link between the past and the future. It is the here and now that is fundamental to our being. And it is worthy of our attentiveness.
Let us take time to honor the parts of us that came before, used to be, are no longer, and brought us to this point. There are vital aspects of you that were present when you were a child, a teen, a young adult...in a bad mood last week. Maybe they seem cringe-worthy now. Maybe you can't believe how you behaved or what you thought or what you didn't know. Maybe you feel awkward about the you of yesterday in the light of today. Maybe you can't wait to throw those memories of you in the trash like I did with the dead leaves of my pothos, never to be seen or thought of again. While that would be an easy thing to do, there is something sacred about recalling those evaporated parts of us. There is something powerful in recognizing that we could not be what we are right now without first being what we were.

You're a beauty, you know. You are a wonder. You always have been, and you always will be.

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Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, mother and certified Frame of Mind Coach

How to Live

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Sun, 14 Jan 2024 18:00:00 +0000

I have childhood trauma.

At this point of my adulthood, it effects me almost every day.

I also work through it every day. I work through the dreams and the emotions and the memories stored in my body. And I know that walking through all that - both the damage done and the healing work - makes me who I am.

I must say that the closer I have been to trauma, the more I'm stuck in a world of gritting my teeth and persevering. I know how to do this so well. I know how to be close to pain and mimic pain back to it.

I am starting to uncover and acknowledge this part of me who also can pull herself up and away from the deepest darkness with incredible ease. I mean, there is also panic, but I do know how to right myself.

One time as a child, I was taking swimming lessons at Eisenhower Park. We had learned how to doggy paddle in the shallow end. The teenage instructor decided it was time for us to try out our doggy paddles in the deep end by jumping in. I was chosen to go first. I jumped in and sank like a brick. Down. Down. Down I sank. It was a slow descent filled with panic. And then my flailing tiptoes finally felt the textured bottom of the pool. My toes connected with the deepest ground. I pushed myself off rock bottom and zoomed up to the surface. As I hugged the side of the pool, wide-eyed in terror and gasping for breath, the instructor announced to the class, "That was a demonstration of how to get yourself back to the top using the bottom of the pool."

The shortcomings of the instructor aside, this is how I envision myself in this stage of my trauma recovery - as an innocent, delicate mortal who daily encounters a new way to die yet also keeps discovering and choosing how to live.

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Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, mother and certified Frame of Mind Coach

My body hates me?

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Mon, 17 Jul 2023 02:07:00 +0000

Do you ever think about microcosms? I have been lately. I work part-time at an acupuncture clinic. The acupuncturist is a naturalist and student of ecology. The way she understands Traditional Chinese Medicine is that the body is a microcosm of nature - that the things happening in our body mimic other processes happening in the universe just on a smaller scale.

Even within the body, there exist microcosms. Take the gut for example. When I was diagnosed as being gluten intolerant, the doctor drew me a little diagram of how the digestive system works, starting with villi. There are millions of villi - tiny fingerlike projections - in your small intestine whose job it is to absorb nutrients. There are also trillions of bacteria in your gut at this very moment. They all have to work together to digest food. Our bodies contain so many parts and systems that work together at microscopic levels so that we can digest, breathe, and grow.

villi in the digestive system

The other day I noticed someone say, "My body hates me." I know I've thought that before when I haven't been feeling well in my body. If we can think that things smaller than us like the parts that make up our body hate us, do you think they can also be thinking the same thing about something bigger than them?

I don't really like change very much. When I change my diet (even to include something healthy) or when I take a new medication or supplement, I can imagine miniscule cells in my body grumpily responding, "Why are you doing that? We just figured out how to function with what you were giving us! Now how are we supposed to respond?" Maybe they don't like change either and communicate they are struggling to adapt through pain or discomfort.

This also makes me think about how my body is a microcosm in a larger world. There are times that I can think some larger entity hates me. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, and I'm pretty sure I have said out loud more than once, "Why does the weather hate me? Why is it doing this to me? Why is it still raining?" Of course, the weather patterns aren't out to get me, but I am impacted by them, and I certainly do struggle to adjust.

I wonder if there are larger entities surrounding my body that also think I hate them because my behavior has changed. I know I'm really anthropomorphizing here, but what if the air cries out, "Why are there so many of these foreign pollutants showing up? What am I supposed to do with them? Whoever put these here must hate me." And it's just really struggling with change and trying its best to adapt.

It's interesting to think about how sometimes as the larger body we're making changes that the smaller body might receive as hate. Sometimes we interpret the smaller body's response to that change as hate. Other times, as the smaller body, we assume the larger body's behavior or intention is hate. Really we're all just responding to constant changes in our respective worlds.

What if we intentionally decided to catch ourselves when we noticed we were thinking that other parts of our worlds - whether larger or smaller - hate us? And then we did a tiny trade-up based on curiosity and care by thinking "That part has a lot of change it's dealing with right now. I wonder what I could do to make its transition easier and its response gentler."? I think this could make a big difference on a micro and macro level.

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Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, mother and certified Frame of Mind Coach

This Season of Giving

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 18:11:00 +0000

We are in a different, larger season of life post-pandemic.

While this time of year is a time of giving, our giving will look different than it did before or during the pandemic.

This is a pivotal time to be intentional with how you live - to examine what you learned during the pandemic and make sure you are embodying what was revealed to be supremely important.

Still give. Still be generous. But take a moment to consider if you have misallocated.

Maybe you need to give less. Maybe you've been giving things you don't actually have, sending yourself into debt. Maybe you've been giving what is not your business to give. Maybe there is an area where you were giving your all and that needs to be dialed back or put on pause. Maybe you were investing in a relationship or job or goal that now doesn't need it or you see was unworthy or was actually distracting and harmful.

Now is the time to readjust your giving. We don't get wake up calls like the pandemic all the time (thank the Lord!). It would be a pity if we just fell right back to sleep.

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Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, journaler, mother and certified Frame of Mind Coach

Your Most Vulnerable

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Sun, 19 Jun 2022 17:17:00 +0000

The other day I was watching a video discussion that mentioned that when it comes to post-traumatic behaviors, the difference between someone who picks up a gun and someone who picks up a camera is who shows up in your life when you're the most broken. For some of us who were abused, neglected or abandoned, the person who showed up came with alcohol, drugs, sex...guns so that's what we turned to and embraced. I have been blessed to have different people show up for me - people who use art, humor, encouragement, care, faith and generosity to make it through this life.

I started thinking about who showed up for me when I was at my most vulnerable. This memory popped into my mind. I was in 10th grade and I had decided to join the track team at school because my grandpa Van was in track in high school. He was my only remaining living grandparent at the time.

It was the first meet of the season and my first competitive race. It was late afternoon on home field. No one was in the stands for me. My dad had passed away the year before. My mom was probably at work. I was running the 100 meter dash. I was in the middle of the line up. The gun went off and we started to run. The other girls were much faster than I anticipated. My brain was making my feet go faster than they ever had. I began to trip on my own feet. I couldn't sustain the speed. I fell forward, scraping my knee as I put my hands out to brace myself against the fall. I took out the girl next to me too. (She was pissed.) I was shocked. I just laid there. My knee was already bleeding. I had gravel embedded in the palms of my hands. I was hurt and embarrassed. My race was over. I ended it by hitting the ground.

Then I heard something from the stands. People were saying something loudly. There were probably other people standing with her, but all I knew was there was Mrs. Van Hoek, Dutch grandma from church yelling "Get up! Finish the race! You have to finish!" I had no idea. It hadn't occurred to me. I very slowly got up and limped the remaining 20 meters to the finish line.

I learned so many things that day. Mostly that when you think you're all alone and you try something new that you don't know how to do and you get ahead of yourself and you fall on your face, a voice will call out to you and tell you how to carry on. Many times we expect the voice to come from certain people or fixtures in our life like our parents or other family members or leaders in the community or a popular person. Many times those people aren't there for us and instead an adorable Dutch grandma who is actually in the stands for her grandchild shows up for you too.

Who has helped you along the way to finish your race? It is good for us to remember these people who showed up when we were the most vulnerable, who helped us make it to where we are today. For my 40th birthday, I wrote a letter to the 40 most influential people in my life. We don't have to wait for milestones to remember these people though. It can be on a random Tuesday or it can be on a day like today when you are realizing that someone you wanted to be there wasn't there for you...but a surprise someone else was.

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Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, journaler, mother and certified Frame of Mind Coach.

Card #1 for Your Grieving Friend

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Sat, 16 Apr 2022 02:33:00 +0000

This is my second post in the series "Supporting Your Grieving Friend" in which I am sharing messages and cards you can send to a friend who is grieving loss through death. The intention of this series is to equip you to be a steady and consistent support to your friend - to let them know they are not alone, that you are thinking of them and holding them.

The very first card to mail to your friend can be sent a day or two after the funeral so that the card will arrive around a week after the event. If there is a multiple day mourning period, send the card so that it will arrive after the people, loads of food and fresh flowers are at a minimum. The person who is experiencing loss is in an unnatural state of stimulation in order to handle the interactions and logistics that come with the mourning event. After the event, things calm down and eventually everyone leaves. There is no longer anything to preoccupy the griever. They are smacked in the face with the reality of their loss. In the deafening silence, they need a word. That's when you come in.

The most important part of the first card you will send to your friend is the words you will write in it. That means you can stick with a minimalist pre-printed message. Keeping in mind my first tip to steer clear of cards that contain the word 'sympathy', here are some pretty good options:

(Click on the card to see more. I receive no commission.)

To be completely transparent, even though I've written hundreds of cards I never know how to write a sympathy card. I spend a lot of time reading articles about what to write, what not write, how to start...how to close. My intention with this series isn't to give you a form letter. It's to provide you with the big picture messaging that is soothing to a grieving soul.

Since I don't want you to also spend hours sifting through Internet articles to figure out the structure of a sympathy card, here are a couple of articles I like on the topic:

https://www.myfarewelling.com/article/sympathy-messages-what-to-write-in-a-sympathy-card

https://www.shutterfly.com/ideas/what-to-write-sympathy-cards/

Basically, make sure to acknowledge the death, write in the first person, use the deceased's name, avoid clichés and generalizations, and express your care and love for your friend.

Beyond that, the bulk of this first card will be about the loved one who is now gone. The main thing to write is something positive about the deceased - your favorite memories of them, a story about them, how they made a difference in your life, the things they were good at...their character qualities. If you didn't really know the deceased very well, share about how you know they made your friend feel or the role they played in your friend's life or who your friend became through their relationship.

People who are grieving the loss of a loved one often collect pictures, videos, or mementos of the deceased - anything to keep their memory alive. Not only are you reaching out when the bottom is dropping out for your friend after the activity of the funeral, you are providing a real, tangible card that they can keep and re-read to conjure up the memory of their loved one whenever they need to do that. They need that more often than you might imagine. Sometimes it's in the middle of the night. Sometimes it's in the closet or the bathroom. Sometimes it's in the middle of an ordinary life moment. While you can't be there in all of those moments, your words can. That's what we want for your friend - to know you are always there for them.

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Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, journaler, mother and certified Frame of Mind Coach.

Supporting Your Grieving Friend

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Thu, 17 Mar 2022 17:20:00 +0000

It's only been a few years since I had the idea to create a kit of cards and messages to send to a friend who is grieving. I've gotta get on that...so here we go.

People who are grieving have special needs for support, care, attention and encouragement. The journey of grieving is eternal and while many parts of it require solitude, the griever needs an anchor to come back to so they are not swallowed up with grief. That's you. You get to be the steady constant who is always there and is not grief.

Of course the number one thing you can do for someone who is grieving is take action. You know, provide a meal, watch the kids... clean their house. These posts aren't about that. This is about showing up at key times in a consistent manner with your words. Depending on your resources, the messages you send may be done in conjunction with other love in action items.

The context of these messages is for someone who is grieving loss through death. However, messages can certainly be modified to support friends who are grieving the end of a relationship that doesn't involve death.

The first guideline I follow is to steer clear of cards that contain the word 'sympathy'. There are a couple of reasons for this:

Cards for grieving are called sympathy cards. Probably 90% of them literally say "with sympathy". Your friend is likely to hear or read the words "I'm sorry for your loss" so many times that the words will lose their meaning. This is not to say that you shouldn't say or write these words. At times, those will be the only words that make any sense at all. The point is that as a collective, people have sympathy covered. You, as a close support for your friend, can move on to other meaningful topics that may be lacking or lost in the sea of sympathy.
The predominant emotion expected and propagated during loss is sadness. We anticipate that someone who is grieving will feel sad. When we send messages of sympathy, we are saying we understand the griever's feeling of sorrow, and we feel sad for them. While it can be comforting to know that someone is feeling the same emotion as you, the truth is that you don't actually know what emotion your friend is feeling. There are so many other emotions besides sadness that come with grieving. Just because one is grieving doesn't mean other emotions of everyday living disappear. In order to be an anchor for someone who is grieving, we need to be able to be present for all these other emotions too. You are in the position to assure your friend that you are steady in your state. Any and all emotions they have are valid. You get to create a safe place for whatever arrives.

In future post(s), I will recommend certain cards and messages you can send to your friend who is grieving. A card a month for 13 months would be a mainstay of support. In some instances that's not enough. In others it might be too much. I encourage you not to be too rigid or exacting in your approach. The main point is to be steady and consistent in remembering to support your friend with your words. A timely handwritten card received in the mail can change the trajectory of someone's day.

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Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, journaler, mother and certified Frame of Mind Coach.

Nothing Is More Addictive Than the Past

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Mon, 16 Aug 2021 00:41:00 +0000

Did you have a couch in your basement when you were growing up. Our family did. Everyone in the family used the couch and its cushions in a different way to meet their own needs.

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Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, journaler, mother and certified Frame of Mind Coach.

Gratitude Creates Beauty

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Fri, 27 Nov 2020 18:57:00 +0000

Last week I asked my Facebook friends to give thanks. For each item of gratitude I would in turn give a donation to a food bank and use it to create a piece of art. The concept was to see the beauty created through giving thanks.

Here is the piece of art I made:

Each item of thanks is written inside one of the yellow folded papers along with the individual's name who offered the thanks.

Humans like you
My son's birth mother chose life and then chose us
I found my passion for painting to help calm my anxiety and depression
Books - long books, short books, books about books
Family
Friends
Health
Deep belly laughter
Love
The woods
Fresh flowers
Sunshine
Delicioso food
You
Worship music
The Bible
Jesus
Ability to run
Sunsets
Bubble baths
God
Pets
Sunshine
Nature
Breath
Sunrise every morning
Amazing church family
Hugs
Music
God loves me and there's nothing I can do about it
Still working and working from home
Daddy and daughter dancing around the house
LOML
A safe place to sleep at night

The folded thanks is laying on top of a bed of cootie catchers like an altar as these are offerings of thanks.

A cootie catcher is used in a playful game to tell a fortune. What if your fortune only had good in store? What if the foundation of your life was built of the things for which you are grateful? I believe both of these to be true.

A cootie catcher was also called a salt cellar. When turned upside down, you can see little pockets created by the paper folds where one might store salt or other small snacks. What if your food, your sustenance, the seasoning that adds flavor to your life was contained in pockets of your thanks? How much more thanks would you give?

These items of thanks generated over $37 donated to food banks around the country which was the equivalent of 130 meals.

"Taste and see that the LORD is good." -Psalm 34:8

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Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, journaler, mother and certified Frame of Mind Coach.

Just a Squirrel Trying to Get a Nut

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Sun, 01 Nov 2020 21:56:00 +0000

A squirrel has been regularly visiting me. He sits on my neighbor's roof and looks at me, then traverses the fence and hops on my roof. I enjoy these little visits and always wonder what my seeing the squirrel communicates in that moment. Among other things, squirrels symbolize playfulness and preparedness.

Today when I saw the squirrel, I was reminded that squirrels bury their nuts and come back to eat them later. Sometimes squirrels even find and eat nuts that other squirrels have buried. I started thinking about things I have personally stored away in the past that may be useful for me today or in the upcoming months. For me these are things like joy, patience, kindness, and love. These are things I can come back to because I have subtly and subconsciously been building up little stores of them through consistent action over the years. Also, there are some things I can unearth that my ancestors have left behind. Things like faith, determination and courage.

As we all navigate the effects of coronavirus, we have need for life giving sustenance in our lives. The you of years past may have set aside some of what you need right now. Here are some places to explore:

What clothes, shoes or jewelry are hidden away in your closet that you could dust off and pull out?
What books, devotionals, journals could you re-read?
What momentos, scrapbooks or photos might remind you of key times and people in your life?
What spaces in your home or yard haven't you used, looked at or tidied in a while that could be repurposed?
What classes, skills or jobs have you forgotten you were once a beginner at? Do you have any textbooks or notes? Do you have any materials for trades or hobbies you've tried?
What mentors or role models got you to where you are today? How can you reconnect with them to thank them?
Where are all the places you have stocked away money and into what or whom have you put your money?
What methods have you used for generating income?
What elements made up your life when you were feeling your all time healthiest?
What foods have you stopped or started eating and digesting?
What movements has your body enjoyed the most?
Who are the people that make your days most enjoyable?
Who tells it like it is?
Who are your greatest allies?
Who wants to see you at your best and still thinks highly of you when you're at your worst?
When you were falling in love before, what were some of the things you felt, thought, said, and did to create and enhance that experience?
What experiences stretched you the most?
Where have you felt the safest?
What rituals and rites of passage have been crucial to your development over the years?
What habits and practices have been the most helpful to set you up for success?
What cultural, social or religious events have you been the most eager to participate in? What are the crucial elements of those events?
What expressions, phrases, passages, poems, songs or other words have you memorized that have impacted you most?
What words have you said to self or others that brought you the most delight or satisfaction?
What disciplines have you engaged in (spiritual, physical or otherwise)?
What past times have been the most fulfilling to you?

As you dig into your past, I hope you find a wealth of nuggets to sustain you through whatever lies ahead.

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Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, journaler, mother and certified Frame of Mind Coach.

Tips from 20+ Years of Living with Depression

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Thu, 18 Jul 2019 17:10:00 +0000

Listen to upbeat music
Surround yourself with content people
Tell someone how you are feeling
Be willing to sit where you are emotionally for a while
Allow yourself to grieve and say goodbye to the past
Spice up some aspect of your life
Get out of your house
Give hugs (so that you can get hugs)
Honor the time you have to soul search and go inward
Ask for help to express the great unknown you are exploring
Interrupt repetitive thoughts
Leave when you know you need to
Move your body
Let tears unashamedly run down your cheeks
Pick something concrete, real, physical, with flesh on to focus on in your daily life
Know that this is not something to escape
Remember that you have made it through 100% of the days you have walked with depression

Here are some added bonus tips inspired by comments from other dope depression experts:

Use your voice
Spend time with an animal
Seek out laughter
Meet people
Help someone else
Express yourself creatively
Immerse yourself in nature
Feed your brain

Please add your tips below in the comments!

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Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, journaler, mother and certified Frame of Mind Coach.

Crying in the Desert

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Mon, 11 Feb 2019 00:36:00 +0000

Voices aren’t just sounds. Voices are also energy, inflection, emotion, intention, temperature, color, flavor, texture, scent. The voice can be used for creation, preservation or destruction at the same time.

People seem to want me to have a loud, bold, fiery voice, but that is not the voice given me. My real voice is a warm, passionate, caring, soft, serious, pleasant, simple, natural alto. It is always there, though it is not always audible. When you can’t hear it or see you can sense it or taste it or feel it … even smell it. It is a sweet aroma mixed with some bitterness.

While it can heal, it can also overwhelm. It requires a tremendous amount of restraint and spiritual wisdom to know when to share this voice with others. It is not a popularly accepted voice. It cannot be heard or received by every ear. It is not easily digested in its immediate presentation. The recipient has to do something with it to take it in. They must actively receive it. It likes to be mixed with water.

The voice will not drone on. When it wants to be noticed, it will appear. It understands that absence makes presence more powerful. It appreciates the mystery of being hidden and the dramatic effect of revelation.

It is inherently all things flashy and gorgeous, a fiery vivacious vixen, but it is tempered so that the experience of it is gentle, calming and grounding. It waits for the right time and it’s usually a beat behind the rhythm. It’s an echo, a reflection. It can be preserved and appreciated again and again and brought out when needed.

I Bet You Think Your Body's About You

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Mon, 07 Jan 2019 20:33:00 +0000

As part of creation, our bodies reveal God's eternal power and divine nature.

Thank you 2018, next

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Thu, 20 Dec 2018 17:34:00 +0000

"I've got so much love

Got so much patience

I've learned from the pain
I turned out amazing"

-Ariana Grande

"I've loved and I've lost

But that's not what I see
So, look what I got

Look what you taught me

Look what you taught me"

-Ariana Grande

Creation

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Mon, 12 Nov 2018 01:53:00 +0000

"Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

And God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness."

Core Values

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Mon, 12 Nov 2018 01:51:00 +0000

Heroes

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Fri, 20 Apr 2018 23:21:00 +0000

This is piece three of work inspired by my deceased father.

The Heroes of Dad's Shirts

My dad had a heart that held and stored so much. My dad's father died when he was a boy. He was mostly raised by his mother and aunt in an era wen women did not work outside the home.

My dad was also kind of a nerd. He had glasses that he would push up with his middle finger, and he wore a pocket protector in his dress shirt every day. If you've never heard of a pocket protector, it's a plastic insert you put in your shirt pocket to protect your shirt from ink stains that come from a leaky pen in your pocket. The pocket protector keeps all the mess inside of it while keeping your shirt clean.

At the end of many work days, my dad's pocket protector hadn't been necessary. When he got home and took off his work clothes, his pocket protector was usually relatively clean with maybe a few pen marks here and there from when he had inserted or removed his pen. People use pocket protectors not knowing when that time will come that their pen might unexpectedly explode ... but anticipating a potential need for protection.

This January I had the awesome opportunity of going to the paradise of Hawaii. It was gorgeous and refreshing and a once in a lifetime trip that I'd only dreamed of as a kid but we had been planning as a family for a few years. When I went back to work at the small, close-knit office of five individuals where I work part-time, it was like I had a fresh, clean pocket protector in my dress shirt.

Then the pen exploded. One of my coworker's suddenly, traumatically, shockingly died. He was there one day and not the next.

That was three months ago. My heart has been holding and storing so much. I have been pretty closed off, in protection mode. My husband, daughter and co-workers have been "raising" me during this time.

I am beginning to look at what's in the pocket protector of my heart. Honestly, it's a bit of a disaster zone. That thing took on a full blast of trauma. It really did protect me though. It kept all that mess inside where it changed me. It's kind of beautiful to look at - the spray, the splatter, the spread, the energy, the reach. Stains, scars ... blemishes - they are the marks of heroes.

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Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, journaler, mother, and certified Frame of Mind Coach

Boundaries

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Thu, 14 Sep 2017 15:53:00 +0000

Have you ever noticed that the most frequent crosser of your boundaries is none other than YOU? That's mostly because you are always in immediate proximity to your own boundary lines.

When other people get close to you, it's likely they will bump up against your boundaries.

When this happens, do you restate your boundary or do you abandon the boundary lines yourself?

someone else pushes your boundary

how you respond to a possible breach

crossing your own boundary

Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, journaler, mother, and certified Frame of Mind Coach

Invisible Signs

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Sat, 03 Jun 2017 20:23:00 +0000

It's like some of us have an invisible sign on our foreheads that says "tell me what you're going through."

Today we got the last of our new appliances and the installer told me all about his life - his fiance, the dream he had that she was pregnant which was true, the myriad of pregnancy tests they took to confirm the pregnancy, how for some reason he had been getting his life in order before he even knew about the baby, the wedding and honeymoon they were going to have ... the shotgun wedding they're actually going to have for their strict Catholic parents.

I knew this guy was a talker, but there came a point when I realized I needed to stop and really listen to him. That was my divine assignment for that period of the day.

When he left I thanked him for sharing his life with me. He said, "Oh, sure. I'm not sure why I felt relaxed enough to do that."

I know why. Guardian of stories and divine liaison are precious roles I get to play in this world. It's a mission I take pretty seriously.

We must be prepared to step into our unique callings and utilize our gifts in the particular situations in which we find ourselves. What does that invisible sign on your forehead say?

Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, journaler, mother, and certified Frame of Mind Coach

Forget About the Oxygen Mask

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Fri, 12 May 2017 20:47:00 +0000

An expression that has become very popular advice these days is “put your own oxygen mask on first.” The phrase comes from air travel. When giving the safety instructions before each flight, the flight attendant instructs passengers to put on their own oxygen mask before helping others in the event that the cabin loses pressure. Coaches, counselors and gurus have been advising parents, spouses and workers to apply this maxim to our everyday modern lives and relationships. And you know what? It bugs me.

Obviously, it is imperative that we have oxygen. Without oxygen an individual will lose the ability to speak or engage in self-preservation tactics. Without oxygen an individual will soon die.

The instruction to put on your oxygen mask first actually applies to a very rare emergency situation in which individuals have entered a space where there is not enough oxygen in the environment. In our normal lives down here walking on earth we have access to oxygen though. The advice has been taken out of context from an emergency situation and is being applied to everyday life.

Often when we think about taking the advice to put on our own oxygen mask first, we envision engaging in what we think are restorative and rejuvenating activities like reading a book, going for a walk, having a glass of wine, scheduling “me” time or going to the spa. We think of things that will get us back to a place where we can help others. While there is absolutely value in all of these activities, they aren’t activities that are vital to our survival or necessary for us to feed our children, serve our spouse or get our work done. They just aren’t in the same realm as the triage activity of putting on an oxygen mask.

Advice-givers place emphasis on you being the person who needs to put on the oxygen mask first. They make the statement about helping yourself before you can effectively help others. But the instructions are first and foremost about getting oxygen. The imperative aspect of the instruction is not about who gets help first. The imperative is to get oxygen. We all need the oxygen. There are enough oxygen masks for everyone. The assumption is that those who have oxygen will absolutely and undoubtedly help someone else who doesn’t have oxygen get it too.

If we are interested in who to help first in our everyday, non-emergency, practical living, let us look to the order of business that Scripture supports:

“A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.” – Proverbs 11:25

“Whoever is kind to the poor lends to the LORD, and he will reward them for what they have done.” – Proverbs 19:17

“Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” – Luke 6:38

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” – Galatians 6:7-10

If you’re in an emergency situation, by all means put your oxygen mask on first. But if you’re just exhausted from everyday living and need a girls’ night out, God bless you. You were probably busy giving generously of your gifts, unselfishly helping everybody else the way you were called to. Not to worry …

“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.” – Hebrews 6:10

Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, journaler, mother, and certified Frame of Mind Coach.

James Is Stupid, Right?

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Thu, 02 Feb 2017 18:04:00 +0000

My daughter's friend said, "Jayden smokes pot. He's stupid." Many parents would be glad that their child associates smoking pot with stupidity. I, on the other hand, was concerned about the story that was created and being passed on about another person.

We all tell stories. We tell stories about others. We tell stories about ourselves.

These stories ultimately impact the actions we take and the way we interact with one another. Not all of these stories are true. Not all of these stories lead to positive action or interaction.

I decided to do an activity with my daughter and her friend. I presented them with this photo of a boy they didn't know. I introduced him as James.

One child received this story:

This is James.

James is smart. He knows a lot of cool stuff. He is in the highest level of math and spelling. He is creative.

James is kind. He makes friends easily. Other kids want to play with him at recess.

James is respectful. He follows the rules. The teacher likes him.

For your next science project, your teacher is pairing boys and girls together. Your teacher has partnered you with James to complete your science project.

The other child received this story:

This is James.

James is stupid. He doesn’t do well in school. He is in the lowest level of math and spelling. He makes bad decisions.

James is mean. He doesn’t have many friends. Other kids don’t like to stand near him in line.

James acts up at school. He breaks the rules. The teacher doesn’t know what to do with him.

For your next science project, your teacher is pairing boys and girls together. Your teacher has partnered you with James to complete your science project.

I asked each child a few questions about that they thought it would be like to work with James, aside from the fact that he is a boy. I knew that neither 10-year-old girl would be terribly excited about working with a boy.

As you can imagine, the child who received the positive story about James thought James was a good match for a partner, imagined he would be easy to work with and predicted their project would turn out good.

The child who received the negative story about James was displeased about the match-up, thought it would be difficult to work with James and imagined that their project would turn out not so good. She said he would probably want to make a project with spit balls.

The stories they were told and believed to be true about James impacted how they would interact with him and even the expected final outcome of the project.

Many times the stories we tell act as prophecies that are fulfilled.

There is Gary who has been labeled a nose picker by a classmate. That classmate spread the story around the fourth grade. Even the teacher heard it. Everyone already thinks he's a nose picker, so he starts picking his nose in class. His nickname becomes Nose Picker. (true story!)

There is Jenny who tells herself she's not good at math. She doesn't practice math skills because it has been hard for her and seems to take a long time. When she does math it's only because she has to. She feels like she doesn't know what she's doing. She has no idea if she got the right answer, so she leaves paying the bills and balancing the checkbook to her roommate, making her really rusty at math.

There is Jayden who saw his brother smoking pot and thought it would make him look cool to tell all his friends at school that he smoked pot. Even a 10-year-old can see that continuing to tell this story makes Jayden much, much more likely to actually become a regular pot smoker.

It's our responsibility to tell stories that allow us to have positive interactions with each other and that guide us into accomplishing the desired outcome. What about the stories you tell about your romantic partner, your kids, your boss, your neighbor, that beggar on the street corner, that guy on the news, those in positions of authority? Are your stories leading you where you want to go?

Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, journaler, mother, and certified Frame of Mind Coach.

Hurt and Comfort

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Fri, 02 Dec 2016 19:33:00 +0000

Yesterday marked 23 years since my father’s death. Many times my mind forgets this anniversary. Other parts of me seem to remember it though. There is sadness over death. There is grief with loss. These are experiences that the body and soul are not so quick to heal.

People we love leave us. I don’t think they leave a void that is not filled, nor do I think their departure is intended to have a negative aftermath. I think there is purpose to both presence and absence. I think unexplainably lovely things patiently wait for their turn to be present in our lives, and they get that chance when something else leaves and creates the space of absence.

“Nevertheless I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you.” – Jesus

It is possible to experience loss and to also anticipate gain. It is possible to feel sorrow and to also know sovereignty. It is possible to experience pain and to also express praise. Job did this.

"While he was still speaking, another came and said, 'Your sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house, and suddenly a great wind came across the desert, struck the four corners of the house, and it fell on the young people, and they are dead; I alone have escaped to tell you.' Then Job arose, tore his robe, shaved his head, and fell on the ground and worshiped. He said, 'Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there; the LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.'" – Job 1:18-21

While part of me remembers the trauma of losing my father, another part of me continually appreciates the relationships, interactions, feelings and experiences I would not have had without him leaving when he did. I wouldn’t have the relationship I do with my mother or my sister if my dad didn’t leave when he did. I wouldn’t have experienced some of the physical blessings I did if my dad didn’t leave when he did. I wouldn’t have made the art that I have made over the years if my dad didn’t leave when he did. I wouldn’t have had some of the amazing spiritual connections I have had if my dad didn’t leave.

Yes, I lost my father; that still hurts. Yes, I found things I didn’t know existed; that still comforts.

vees – hearts – wings

noreply@blogger.com (Amy M) — Tue, 04 Oct 2016 02:05:00 +0000

This is piece two of work inspired by my deceased father.

John C. Voss always and only chewed Trident gum. He had a box of Trident in his sock drawer. He would empty a packet of Trident into an old, orange prescription bottle. He put the prescription bottle in the front pocket of his blue uniform pants, and that’s how he would carry around his gum with him every day.

The following are the words I have been chewing on as I folded dozens of Trident wrappers to make this piece. The process, the music, the words bring more healing than anything else I’ve ever found in a prescription pill bottle.

“You toyed with my affliction

Had to fill out my prescription
Found the remedy, I had to set you free
Away from me
To see clearly the way that love can be
When you are not with me
I had to leave, I have to live
I had to lead, I had to live
If I can't have you, let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around
Pretty wings, your pretty wings” –Maxwell

Amy McGrath is a writer, artist, journaler, mother, and certified Frame of Mind Coach. Find out more about Amy or email her.