Just Saying...

Random Updates October 2025

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Wed, 29 Oct 2025 04:34:00 +0000

I no longer work directly with the Screaming Banshee! Back in June we had a meeting and completed a manager's shuffle. The company does this from time to time to prevent the SM's from getting complacent with any one administrator.

This case, was specific for me. I bought the newly assigned Senior admin for the SB something shiny. All the card said was, "I'm sorry. Thank you. Good luck!"

So far so good. The SB cane out of her office about a month in, screaming for the new admin (who by the way has been with the company 24 years), and wanting to know why she changed something. They finally connect and SB is waving her arms huffing and puffing yelling "why did you change this, you didn't ask!?" Senior Admin leans back in her chair, give the SB a look that could freeze hell, and replied, "cos it was incorrect". That was it.

The SB knew not to fight with her. FYI, always be afraid of the quiet one. Always!

My positions however, has changed slightly. I'm down to one SM, and have been given many more side projects. I feel like it is a demotion, but I am told this is temporary and they have more things in the works for me.

Still feels like b.s.

To date, in the last 8 weeks, I have written 31 SOP manuals. Now that those are completed, I am fine tuning my ability of "looking busy" to an art. I have started applying to new jobs. Not that I am unhappy, but I hate not having a consistent work load. on average, I receive roughly 10 emails a week. I'm use to receiving over 60-100 emails daily.

First week of November 2025, I will be getting back another SM. This will increase my load. But still b.s. that the newbies have a heavier workload than I do.

I often think if they're just gonna eliminate me. So I look..

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My health. My health isn't out of wack too much. Menopausal stuff. End of November I'll be having a uterine polyp 16mm x 12mm from my uterus. This is just slightly over the allowance of no worries. So removal it is.

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Sinuses.

Two CT scan's by two different ENT's.

1) says no sinus disease, nothing I can do for you

2) the one who actually put a camera in my nose, has other plans. He wants to fix my deviated septum. But if we're going in, we're going in once. I speak to him about my ct scan on Halloween. :)

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I think we're caught up. I've started taking hip-hop classes. Just a different way to move my body. Super fun but the smell of synthetic costumes and makeup makes the place smell like dirty strippers. Did I mention there is a pole class right before us. They leave, we enter. No wiping of the floor or poles. Gross. We don't use the poles, but come on! someone just had their sweating hooha on it for an hour and you can't take the 10 mins to sanitize? Ew. Will fine another company/

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We've (my shrink and I have postponed the beginning of my EMDR therapy. Mostly due to the fact I've been hemorrhaging money. We'll chat in the meantime and start in the Spring.

Been coming to grips with some topics I thought were made up. Turns out I do have some PSTD from a S/A incident and a couple other things. I've spoken to some friends who remember the timeline, and have confirmed I did confide in them at the time. Seems I have completely blocked it out. A babysitter, a coworker, and a random highschool person are responsible for 3 incidences.

Babysitter:
I remember so specifically going to my babysitters 40th bday some years ago. (she is only a few years older). When we found her to give her her card, she made amends for things she had done to me, while in her care. I just laughed and shrugged it off. My friend gave me a look of WTF!? My friend asked me about it later, and I said I don't remember there ever being anything inappropriate. Sure, she let me try her cigarette, but I always remember the babysitter as fun. I mean, she lived 2- houses down from us, was always around.

Some years later, I had a nightmare. Some flashes of S/A that took place in the babysitters' care. I again, shrugged it off as a nightmare. A few weeks later, babysitter had messaged me on FB just to catch up. I asked her if I could run this nightmare by her etc. She became quiet, then said, "I'd hope you'd never remember that. You were so young." (under the age of 8), and I was so lost. In short, she confirmed my nightmare was indeed fact. Gawd.

I must say, I never felt unsafe in her care. Maybe I was too young to know this wasn't okay. This wasn't just two minors goofing around.

Coworker:
I was working in a pizza joint and a delivery guy would always shimmy past me toooooo close, and let his hand graze my bottom. I looked at it as flirting, the 80s were messed up. But at the same time, I was not attached to him, so it did make me feel uncomfortable. I did mention it to the kitchen staff after a few times. He was fired. I was 15 yrs old. He could have been 19, he could have been 30. I have no idea.

Highschool classmate:
This one I remember more clearly than the babysitter. I was drunk. Not sloppy drunk but drunk enough. I was walking home from the skating rink, parents out for the weekend, and walked passed a park on my street. Heard my name and out came JK from the dark. Handsome, popular, and we ran in circles that overlapped. We knew of each other etc. He was polite and asked if he could walk the home. .5 km remaining. Of course I said yes! I had a crush on him.

I remember the following in flashes. Thanking him for walking me home. Asked if he'd want to hang out sometime. Flash to being put to bed, and being thankful someone was there to ensure I wasn't going to get sick. Flash to be kissed. Flash to a body on top of me. Flash to hearing the downstairs kitchen door being closed (someone leaving), and realizing I was naked. I don't recall being hurt, no struggle etc. Just that something had happened I wasn't present for it. His school idea fell out onto my floor. I still have it to this day. 1) to remind me he was responsible for something 2) that I wouldn't ever allow him to befriend me.

It's now been decades. I have looked him up to see what life has become of him. He is in a patched motorcycle gang and working up the latter. Life does not look like it has been good to him. I'd like to think of it as karma, and then fantasize about contacting the contacts I have in this gang and letting them know. FYI, everyone in Canada knows someone in, or connected to this gang. What would I say? ABC happened 35+ years ago?They'd probably give him a new patch. Anyway, I know there are people out there from that night, who were in the park with him. (this park is more like a toddler playground - super small). I'd made a mental note of those people from that night, and told myself to stay clear of them and all acquainted with them. I have, and have never crossed paths with any of them.

This bring me to a very clear realization recently. I am have always been and consider myself, strong, outspoken, defiant, walls up, don't need a man etc., challenging authority, loud, defensive, aggressive and protective. I always thought these qualities came from being raised by many strong women in my family, and a father who insisted I never pull the helpless female card.

But how many of those qualities came from self protection? This is just some of the things we'll discuss in EDMR therapy.

Do I need to change? No. Should I change? I could stand to allow myself to be softer, let men in. I am still to this day defensive, loud, and aggressive when required. I've learned to pick my external battles carefully. Now, to learn how to deal with the internal battles I wasn't even aware I was having.

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I'll leave you here with that verbal vomit. More updates to come.

Menopausal Health

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Mon, 09 Jun 2025 04:43:00 +0000

Oh menopause, you finicky little bitch. For those that do not know, or have not had the pleasures of experiencing it - yet. Things to know.

No two women go through menopause the same way. I have been extremely fortunate that my symptoms on their own are okay. When they cluster together, holy mother of gawd.

Menopause rage is real. In the moment you think your behaviour is totally a reasonable way to react/behave. When it passes, you wonder how you have friends, a job and are not in jail.

I swear the military has it all wrong. Do not recruit young men. Recruit peri/menopausal women. We're angry all the time, waiting for someone to give a gawd damn reason, we can stay awake for weeks - cos we're not sleeping anyways, and we can carpool. We're ready to go! And the poor suckers at the receiving end of women at this stage, will tell the horror stories (should they survive us) to the young for generations to come.

Menopause fog is real. I think every woman in peri or post-menopause will be sitting with their doctor having serious concerns about their cognitive memory. It does get better.

Menopause weight gain is real. Gaining weight in your midsection is never fun. Being female we are subjected to heart disease and cancers as a result of this puberty in reverse.

The 5 F's: Female, fertile, fat, fair and over forty. This is a special formula just for women as we lose estrogen, our eggs, etc. this is just a formula to take us down.

Hot flashes, insomnia, loss/increase appetite, and our inability to filter and tolerate bullshit is all broken. I've had three hot flashes. 1 lasted 3 days. No you can not wave it off. It is like you are coming down with the flu. You know, that internal heat like you're gonna have a fever. It's like that, but it never really goes away. And you wonder why we are punchy.

Vaginal Atrophy - Dry Vagina is fucking real! Vaginal estrogen is a godsend.

Due to my family history with cancer and heart disease, I am not eligible to take hormone replacement. I have been fortunate. I do take vaginal estrogen which definitely helps in the bedroom.

Bacterial Vaginosis and UTI frequency is real. This has nothing to do with anything you are doing. This is simply your body's PH balance changing. The Change. Many women experience frequent UTI's and BV. I had 11 UTI's in one year. Enter rage.

Mammograms are a regular routine. For some it is early, for others every other year etc. Make the appointment, take care of your breast health. No one want the cancer. Regular checkups can detect early signs/symptoms. Get it taken care of.

Periods of any kind after not having a period for 12 months is NOT NORMAL. Even if you are spotting. You must have it checked out.

I have been having period pains for 3 months now. No bleeding. I have been post meno for 4 years. Went to the doctor, had an ultrasound and transvaginal ultrasound. I have a polyp that is 16mm x 10mm. This size it is recommended that it be removed. Anything over 16mm have a higher chance of being malignant. I have uterine fibroids. That is muscle in the uterine wall and may be (for some) on the outside of the uterus.

My polyp was not there when I had my last ultrasound. After discussion with family and our history, I am requesting to have it removed. Why take the chance?

You MUST advocate for your health. It is your body. If a doctor ever says, "oh, it's normal for a woman your age to go through this", throat punch that fucker immediately, and get a new doctor or request to only manage your menopause symptoms with a gynecologist.

Change your lifestyle, your eating habits, exercise more. Build the muscle, stay strong! We do not have to repeat the path our grandmothers, mothers, aunts, cousins, sisters went through.

Screaming Banshee & Anger Management Course

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Sat, 07 Jun 2025 04:43:00 +0000

For the last two weeks I have been attending an anger management course. This particular course is not for me, as I have many years of therapy under my belt. This instructor only has 3-years experience. Am I learning new tools? No. Am I being reminded of the tools I already have? Yes.

Screaming Banshee. I have had enough. She insulted my abilities again. I have filed a formal complaint explaining I can not longer be paired with her to work together. She is unprofessional at every level, and in all honesty, is a liability to the company. She creates a toxic, unsafe and unhealthy, and very loud environment. Not just towards myself, but everyone person in the office.

In my letter I was factual, too the point, and advised that if any of the many solutions/suggestions I have offered were not feasible, then I would have to do what is in my best interest for my mental health. There was no ultimatum. Just facts. I explained in the letter I was aware these things take time (it's been two years in the making), and they have to do their due diligence.

This is not my first letter to management about the Banshee. I however, have reached my limit.

I have drafted my resignation letter with great detail of the all the reasons I would be leaving. It is not the company, or the management, it is solely the Banshee. Hopefully I will not have to submit the letter.

Recap 2020 - 2025 & New Chapters to Follow 2025

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Thu, 29 May 2025 04:58:00 +0000

It's been a minute!

Hunker down, it is a long read. Guess we should recap what I have been up to 2020 - current.

Short version:
I have learned healthy boundaries, and how to set them, and follow through. Learned how to sit with my feelings (ongoing practice) and to be gentle with myself. How to show up for myself. I am unapologetically myself. I love my friends hard, and yes, I make it weird every chance I get.

Long version below:

2020

During covid I was working for, what I thought, was a great company. That is, until I broke my back July 2020. My return to work was less than pleasant. Mostly due to the HR knob (1 of 5) that actually insinuated that I deliberately hurt myself to inconvenience them! Could not roll my eyes any harder. During covid I was working from home March - June 2020 and fasted track the company goal of eliminating my own position. (yes, I knew this when they hired me). When it came time to renewing my contract, they decided not too, and determined I was not qualified for the new position. In the same breath, they asked me to create a training manual for my existing position. Soooooo, you want me to draft a manual for a position that no longer exists, and I am not qualified for the new position??? Pound sand. What are they going to do? Fire me? HA! I did write a manual and ensured there were errors throughout that would render the task(s) incapable of being completed. That's 72 pages of useless instructions. Petty. 😋

During this time, I closed my vehicle accident claim and bought myself a lovely truck.

Started recording video chats with a friend that lives just off the mainland. Who knew 5 years later this was a saving grace for us both. It started with a quick 2-3 minute recorded videos we'd sent each other. Then the topics became deeper. Now, the videos are 3-6 minutes long and several sent at a time, depending on the topic. Why not have a phone call? This works for us. We can record/send when we have the time, and watch the incoming videos on our own time. It works, and I think more people should try it.

August - the long term roommate moved out. Got his long time girlfriend (he had been cheating on for many years), pregnant, bought a house and got married. It was the best thing for him.

October - surprised my best friend with a trip to Tofino as a thank you for flying out and taking care of me for a week when I broke my back.

December 2020 I started a new job, 3 days after my previous job was eliminated. It's exactly what I was looking for. Not customer front facing!!!

2021
I decided I wanted a breast reduction. Where I live the government will pay for it, however, the downside is they have a say in your BMI. Maximum 30 BMI. As most of you know, bmi is horseshit in most cases. Sooooo, I have some weight to lose. It's not a bad thing, who couldn't stand to shed a few pounds.

At one point my practitioners and I decided that I should try to come off my anxiety medication. Dumb move. We've tried twice, and have come to the conclusion that this is a life time medicine for me. I am A-OKAY with that. So many positive things have occured since I started the anxiety medication back in July 2017, you can read about here, and 2017 here.

Went back to school and got a Level -1 certificate in Bylaw enforcement and animal control. Think getting a job with the city would be easier. It is not. The full-time, permanent positions rarely become available. I can not do auxiliary, or casual, part-time etc. When they do become available, they are usually given to retiring police and military personnel.

2022
Until recently (2 years 2020-2022) everything was blissful at the new job until they hired a Screaming Banshee. Not only is she ill-equipped, unpredictably unprofessional to handle a job, she is a menace to the office, and a serious liability to the company. She shoots her mouth off, a lot. Without using a single neuron; and the one she does use, is seriously fractured.

My oldest sister (68) passed away on her birthday, in her sleep. Middle sister (66) had a heat induced heart attack a week later, on HER birthday.

A week after that, enter Screaming Banshee, (she has think nak of blaming of everyone else for her error, and then says; "I didn't know that was the process".), came out of her office, stormed up to me, arms flailing, and swearing at me. I froze. I truly believe that every-single-tool-ever-learned was utilized in that moment not to backhand her into the following week.

I sat with it for a few weeks before going to management. It was taken very serious. It is an surreal experience to work for a company that is healthy, when you've had decades of toxic work environments. They brought in a Senior manager and someone else in, off their holidays to deal with it. It was not taken lightly. All this a week after my sister passed and another in the hospital for 2 weeks suffering a heart attack.

I decided I could be the bigger person and continue to work with her, (she is assigned to me, along with 3 others) and I found it to be an excellent opportunity to utilize my conflict resolution skills I haven't had much chance to use. That brings us into 2023.

2023

Things have been reasonably calm. My tribe of friends have been amazing. Lots of memories have been made. My moms best friend S. moved back into the city after 31 years of living in the North. It has been absolutely a treat to have her living 10-minutes away.

My tribe accepted her with open arms and a few have their own relationship with her, outside of me, which is fantastic. I've been a lot of things, being jealous is really not one of them. I am truly blessed.

2024

A few dozen recorded incidents with the Screaming Banshee. How is she still employed? Recording every outburst, rude email directly to myself, a vendor and others. Many meetings regarding this twit.

Made numerous fun memories, short trips, annual girls weekends etc.

March 2024 my middle sister moved in with me. She is unable to live alone, nor can she afford it. I just spent a few years downsizing, and minimizing the crap in my apartment. Sigh. Turns out she is a high functioning alcoholic, and a hoarder (just in her room).

Not soon after she has settled in, she has an episode and I had to call emergency services. I set some serious boundaries after this, advising if this kind of thing happened again, she would have to move out. I did not sign up for this. Things have been okay since. Her room is disgusting. I have had to come to the conclusion that she is not a mentally stable person, capable of seeing dirt, messes, etc. As long as she keeps the mess to her room, I can manage the rest of the house.

I advised her before she moved in, that when the times comes where she can no longer work, or take care of herself, we will start applying for subsidized retirement homes. I will not be her caretaker, physically or financially. Callus? No. She turns 68 this year and wants to retire in the next two. This time next year, we start shopping around for her new living arrangements.

2025
Screaming Banshee has done it. We are only in May, and she had finally been so unprofessional towards internal office staff, vendors etc., that I requested for a shuffle and could not see myself working with her further without verbal/physical consequences. I presented a few anger management course for myself. The tools/skills I have to manage this kind of behaviour no longer works, and am open to some professional development. I complete the an anger management course next weekend. Did I learn anything new? No. I was reminded of existing skills/tools I have in my box that I have not been utilizing. I have open that mental toolbox and am poking around at the tools.

However, the S.Banshee needs to be held accountable. I will not walk on eggshells to appease her fragile ego and unprofessionalism. She has created an unsafe, toxic environment. Not just for myself, but the teams around me. Everyone has been interviewed, lawyers have been consulted, and she finally has been presented with a disciplinary package, outlining the consequences should management continue to receive complaints from anyone. Apparently it takes a lot to get fired. Any retaliation behaviour, on any front, will no longer be tolerated. A lot of things the Screaming Banshee does will no longer be tolerated. 😀

May 2025 - I've has some internal womens health concerns being 4 years post menopause. Love my doctor. Does not dismiss anything I bring to the table. Turns out I was correct, there was something going on. Blood work followed, only to learn I am prediabetic, and have very high cholesterol. a heart healthy diet change, way of life has been activated. Exercise and eating cleaner have become the priority, effective immediately.

Thankfully, I have a great group of friends I have shared this with and are supporting the change. Cos, really, what kind of friends would they be if the didn't??

January 2026 - I am starting a type of therapy called EDMR. It is a structured form of psychotherapy used to help process and reduce the distress associated with traumatic memories and other distressing experiences. During talk therapy, I mentioned some anger and frustration I was experiencing with some things preventing me from having healthy relationships with men, (trust issues - nothing sexual) and the human race in general.

We came to the conclusion this was the right direction. I will be writing more about this experience leading up to, and during the process.

I have to make a list of things I'd like to resolve, and/or learn to deal with. Examples like: trusting a man's word at face value; (watching many men in life cheat on their spouses etc.); the severe bullying I experienced from ages 9 -12, and how it still affects me now, (being aggressive and loud in certain situations); not being heard as child, and acting out, getting into trouble to be seen and heard. I am a Gen X. We were brought up in a generation of kids are meant to be seen, not heard. Yes, we were feral, and still are a bit. I have no desire to make functioning relationships with my siblings. They're adults, if they wanted a relationship they could have reciprocated the effort I put in for many years as an adult. That ship has sailed, and I am okay with that outcome.

If you're still with me, awesome! Future posts will not be as long.

Weight loss & Obesity Clinic = Breast reduction= Happy goals

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Sun, 20 Jun 2021 19:54:00 +0000

I asked for a breast reduction this year. I'm 5'2, 220 lbs and a 38G. I want to be a 36B. I don't want to be tucking my boobs into my pants in 10 years. I've been wanting a reduction for years. A FB friend mentioned she was having one, and set me up on a support page on FB. Best thing ever! My doctor agreed and took all my information and set up a consultation with a plastic surgeon.

Between the surgeon and my doctor taking into consideration my age, and weight (I'm almost done menopause) that I would have struggles losing the weight on my own and referred me to a very reputable weight lose clinic that only specializes in weight loss. They have internal medicine, therapy, general medicine, surgeons etc. its one stop shop for all the tools to lose weight successfully.

Although I know why I'm overweight, I do carry it proportionally, that doesn't mean I shouldn't lose it. Being middle age, female and in menopause, I'm at increased risk for heart disease and other factors as a result of having weight around my middle section.

Got my email confirmation, now it takes off fast! blood work and questionnaires are done. In short, they teach you tools for a lifestyle change to obtain healthier habits that will serve you long term. My first appointment is in 3 weeks.

I'll be creating posts of my weight loss journey as it develops.

Stay healthy friends.

Random tidbits

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Sun, 20 Jun 2021 19:44:00 +0000

Lately I feel like I've been a bad friend, horrible, actually. Well silently in my mind that is.

I find lately when friends talk to me about ABC etc, I've been finding myself saying in my head, "I so don't care". Bad right? I have the greatest friends ever! Why am I being such a bitch?

Trying to find the underlining stressors that are triggering these shitty remarks I say in my head. Cos as I've learned what we're lashing out about, rarely has anything to do with what's triggering us. We tend to take out our stress/anger on those we love, and subconsciously know can handle it. Doesn't mean its fair or right.

I'm always stressed about money. But that is no one else's issue.

I'm lonely on a romantic/physical level during this pandemic.

In a way to release some of this stress, I've been leaving horrible company reviews for previous employers that did me wrong. More callously, I've been leaving the reviews as a current employee. :) petty, 100%. Does it feel good? 100%. Am I actually hurting anyone? No. Am slightly ruining their day? I hope so.

Been having random and extremely lucid dreams lately. About a month now. I've been trying to keep track of the dreams as I feel there is something to learn from them. Last nights was no different. I was part of a team of 3 ppl, Morgan Freeman, some other actor who's name escapes me, and myself. It was like a survivor type show, but my job was to cook with the scraps we had. We always had enough for well rounded meals, but they lacked taste. I was told by Mr. Freeman that I better buy the book "Learning to Mix Spices". These dreams are nothing horrific etc, just random dreams.

Got up and googled it. This book exists! Well website's and such do. So for fun, I'm going to study them. I'm a basic cook in general and know spices can make or break a dish. I have my few that I knock out of the park, but why not up my own game?

That's my Sunday.

New Journey - Coming off anti-anxiety medication - Part 4

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Sun, 23 May 2021 02:37:00 +0000

I'm a couple weeks into reducing my anxiety medication, and I stated in my previous post, it isn't going well.

Had a phone call with my GP and we decided not to come off it at the moment. Soooooo, I'm back at my 5mg daily. We'll touch base in a month and sort out a plan. It may be one of those things I may require forever, since I unravelled so quickly. That, and we think the plan we had was too fast too soon.

Between my shrink and GP we've all agreed that regardless of other (suspected hormonal) side effects, coming off anxiety medication during the pandemic probably wasn't my (our) smartest move.

The headaches are another story. Again, it suspected that it may be hormonal. The fact I begged my doctor for drugs to stop the pain, he knew I was serious. I'm hypertensive to narcotics in general, and don't care to take pills if unnecessary.

I've been prescribed Toradol. I haven't taken it yet. I will be soon. I've spoken with a few people and all have said the side effects are not desirable, however, it's better than feeling like your head might explode. We'll see.

Stay safe, stay healthy.

New Journey - Coming off anti-anxiety medication - Part 3

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Fri, 14 May 2021 01:36:00 +0000

I'm at the end of my 3rd week of weening off my anxiety medication. First week of taking my meds every 3rd day.

It's not going well. At all!

I'm crying at everything. Although I have lifted energy, my brain and thoughts are a whole other story. My thoughts are racing to the point I'm worried that I'm back at the very beginning of where I was when sought professional assistance to get a grip.

I had my talk therapy today, and it's not often anymore when I get to talk to my shrink while I'm having an attack.

We've agreed together I will speak with my GP and ask for a new plan/course of action. As I love the new energy level, I do not love the racing brain, crying, the blinding headaches (existed before, but are amped up now) or lacking any sort of composure.

Granted, today was my first day with my new job working from home; and things did not go well. Short of it is, I went into the office as I just couldn't deal with all the issues I was having trying to complete a simple task.

IT is on it tonight, as I have to be up and running on Monday to work from home every second day until the pandemic numbers drop enough. We're doing our part.

I informed those around me that may be affected in/directly by my mood swings. Nothing but support. There is something to be said for not making excuses as to why you're behaving/feeling ABC etc, being honest about it allows people to either decide to embrace or distance themselves to/from you. I've been lucky. So incredibly lucky. I wish everyone was met with the same support.

Gonna leave ya here. I'm off to cry in the shower, and have a drink with a gf in my bubble.

Stay weird peeps.

New Journey - Coming off anti-anxiety medication - Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Sun, 09 May 2021 00:21:00 +0000

I've finished my first two weeks of taking my meds only every second day.
What I've noticed so far:

* My speech has sped up. Like I have so much more to say, and cant get it out fast enough.

* I'm injecting into ALL conversations around me. Almost like i have some weird obligation to be part of everything.

* My appetite has increased!!!! I'm trying to be more mindful of the nurturance I'm putting into my body.

* I 'feel' like I'm getting a better sleep, that is when the animal Charlieturd allows me to sleep.

* I feel like I have a little more energy than I have. I'm more restless.

I keep using the phrase *I feel* cos I'm not sure that any of the above mentioned is actually happening, or if it's all in my psyche.

What I have noticed to be more true, are the animals around me are more drawn to me than what they have been lately. Dogs love me. I've had people at local parks who's dogs will run away from them to come get loves from me. My favourite was a dog at Rocky Point Pier; of course I asked permission if I could pet their dog as he seemed to really want my attention. He laid down, belly up, and gave him all the love in the world.

The kicker were the owners... the dad said this never happens. When his wife arrived on scene she looked astonished as she asked "what have you done to my dog?" apparently he's not the most loving with his generosity when it comes to getting puppy love from strangers, let alone to expose his belly. That story always grounds and reminds me that animals truly know a persons intentions. I might have been a dog in a pervious life.

I start taking my meds every 3rd day starting this Sunday. Will update again then.

New Journey - Coming off anti-anxiety medication

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Wed, 05 May 2021 01:58:00 +0000

Thought I'd document my journey of coming off anxiety medication. Any updated will be linked to this original post .

I've been on cipralex for a couple years now. If you read here, you'll see what started it. To this day it was the best decision for my mental health. The first 10 days were pure hell! I slept hard daily at lunch, was in a constant fog, and overall felt stoned.

I got to about the 7th day and decided I couldn't live like this. This drug was worse than the constant inconsolable crying and lack of composure. I read a few forums and they all said they same thing. "you're going to hit a wall a week in. Tough it out, after 10 days we promise it gets better!"

I figured it's only a couple more days, I've come this far. Anyone who knows me, knows I am hypersensitive to narcotics in general. If there is a side effect to be had, I'll experience it.

....And like magic, day 10 arrived and like the forums said, a light switch turned on, and I was now a new person! I was no longer speed talking, using alcohol to self medicate. At the time I wasn't even aware I was self medicating. Once the meds had taken hold, I could see straight, I was super rational, and things that made me shoot from the hip - no longer had a toll on me. I could react professionally and 99% less psychotic.

It also made a difference in my relationships romantic and platonic alike. With my journey of finding my tribe, I wasn't about to keep any of this hush-hush and allow some bullshit society stigma to dictate how I would tell people around me about being on medication.

I love my tribe! They embraced me with the amount of support people could only dream of. I was always honest if I wasn't feeling social and thought I'd be bad company etc, they always, ALWAYS insisted I was welcome.

I went from being a daily crier, to not crying again for a whole year! When I did finally cry, I was ridiculously happy. I was in my talk therapy session and remembering the look on my shrinks face trying not to giggle that I was so happy I could cry. I was afraid I was a little numb.

I could feel everything, it simply did not have a hold on me, and once those first tears made their way past the medication barrier, I knew the dosage was correct.

Fast forward a few years. I am now almost finished being in perimenopause and about to enter menopause. The chronic nausea, and headaches are now affecting my daily routine.

A quick phone appointment with the doctor, and he thinks it is my anxiety medication. He suggests we come off it, and see how I manage. Now, the fact I didn't gasp in terror at the thought of taking away my mental health safety net; meant I also felt it was an okay idea.

That brings us to today. I am starting my second week of taking the Cipralex every second day.

The schedule is as follows, providing I don't have any major setbacks.

Dosage 5 mg (child's dose, I couldn't function on the minimum adult dose of 10mg)
2 weeks = every 2nd day

2 weeks = every 3rd day

2 weeks = every 4th day

2 weeks = every 5th day

2 weeks = every 6th day

2 weeks = once a week

...and so on.

I am a week into it, and I already have increased headaches, not sleeping great, and my talking pattern has sped up. That may have more to do with the job I have at the moment, where running around with your head cut off is my slow day. I feel like I have much to say and have to get it all-out-of-my-mouth immediately!

I will leave you here and update weekly or every second week.

#mentalhealthjourney

Covid Blues

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Sun, 04 Apr 2021 20:12:00 +0000

Currently sitting on my patio in the sun this Easter Sunday 2021, trying to rid myself of some covid blues.

I've been avoiding addressing just how much covid is affecting me and my depression/anxiety. For a long, while now I've just been telling myself I'm bored. That is part of it for sure. Learning to live in isolation aside from going to work and the grocery store is getting old. In the beginning, my bubble and I would continue our Friday night dinners via Zoom. Then it started to fall away, the further into the year of Covid we got. September rolled around and my bubble had to become even more distant as a few have children starting elementary school, and were now in a bubble with 30 other families. I'm high risk due to asthma so we've all taken extra precautions.

We're now a full year into the restrictions and our group has dissolved a bit. Noone seems to be making any efforts to stay in touch, have car-patio visits etc., and some of my bubble has now broken covid rules by travelling to whistler, a current hotbed of covid exposure and cases.

In all honesty, I feel selfish just writing this. I have a roof over my head, I'm healthy, I'm employed. How dare I feel all woes-is-me when there are people and friends who have contracted covid and are still in recovery. How dare I?!

I am alone and lonely. Us huggers are not okay! Not trying to be cute. Seriously, those of us that thrive and live for physical touch and live alone are not okay. Selfish, yes. Necessity, yes. Of my immediate circle, I am one of 3 that are single. However, I am the only one who isn't co-parenting or dating. I have 1 person I can be physical with, and funny enough he's none covid believer. But we won't discuss that. We only get together on his terms. Which until now I've been completely okay with it. It's now that my mental health is suffering and I've reached out... crickets. I'm mad at him, I'm mad at myself for thinking he would be there in my time of need.

With all this going through my head, I'm exhausted. Finding it hard to do just my regular chores; shower, get out of bed. My mental health homework and lists are not working. I am thankful though for my anxiety medication. I could not imagine where I'd been now (3 years after starting the meds).

I feel like I'm the only one reaching out to friends, checking in on them. Noone is checking on me. Those who live far away are, however, it is different when your immediate circle isn't.

That's all I have for now. I'll continue later.

Stay Safe, Stay healthy. Be kind to others and yourself.

2020 What a year!

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Fri, 01 Jan 2021 07:46:00 +0000

Be sure to really look over the Terms and Conditions of 2021 before agreeing to ANYTHING!

2020 has been a year of growth for the whole planet. Pandemic and that orange monkey in the states can go step on lego!

First things first, with all the complaints of people around the world crying, "my rights" wah wah wah, just sit back and reflect about if you had to go through 2020 without the access we have to the technology we have today? That's what I thought. Still sucks donkey ass, it could be much, much worse.

Amazing how that job you have, you were told wasn't able to ever be remote, suddenly was, with little effort at that. Which I'm extremely fortunate for.

I am in shock and amazed at the number of people crying over their rights, and government control etc... seriously? Don't wear that seatbelt, or wear a helmet when you ride a bike, skateboard, or not take x.y.z on a place cos the Tsa said so. I believe people will eventually come around and start wearing their masks and practicing stricter protocols. Not only for their own safety but for their own loved ones and the community around them.

2020 Recap

Started doing a video sharing with a friend. Mental health homework really. We send each other short videos daily, talking about whatever; our day's concerns, laughs etc. it's been a great sounding board.

Went rollerskating this past July. Wore rentals instead of my own skates; hit a bump in the rink and everything in my brain said I had a back-stopper. I didn't. Stuck my foot out to stop, and went feet overhead and landed on my back, hitting my head, and knocking the wind out of myself. Thankfully I had a helmet on!

Long story, short, I broke my back! I thought I had broken ribs. (they were bruised) The T8 thoracic to be specific. Thankfully it was a clean break and would heal without surgery. Flew a girlfriend in from Calgary to stay with me the first week. Best decision ever!

Upon my return to work a couple weeks later, the tone and disdain I was being met with by management having to accommodate my return to work requirements (reduced hours, need to take standing breaks etc) were palpable.

Needless to say, after much effort to get better, follow doctors' orders etc, my contract wasn't renewed in November. Which was okay by me. I hadn't been happy there since my return.

Thankfully, I landed a position within a few days. :)

Covid has taught us to sit back and really take stock of the important things in life.

I love my tribe. I love them hard. And us huggers, we're not okay! This brings me back to my opening lines; imagine going through this pandemic without access to technology!!!

This past year we're all grown and quickly adapted in ways we never had to think about before. Being direct about the bubbles we share, being blunt and direct has now become an acceptable norm. True colours of people are being discovered all the time. Bittersweet it is.

Moving into 2021 will be delicate, stern, and much more candour. Another colourful year ahead.

Be true to yourself, your family, your tribe, and be unapologetic about it!

Day 21 of Covid-19 Isolation

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Mon, 13 Apr 2020 00:58:00 +0000

Day 19

My mental health is taking a beating today. Well, all week really.

I'm not eating properly, I occasionally forget to eat. Yes, you read that correctly.
I have my work routine down to an art. It's the rest of my lift.

I've managed to keep my apartment in top shape. Since I'm not doing anything. When I'm waiting for a project to post on the work computer, I tidy, empty the dishwasher, vacuum daily.

I find I'm itching to fight with people. Stupid people that is. Those who are not practicing social distancing. Just carrying on with their lives, and barking at the rest of us that we're overreacting and that this pandemic is just the flu.

Can't fix stupid, dumb dumb. I have a hard time not being baited into a fight that no one will win. I've decided to not reply now. It's hard. I want to tell them how stupid, and dangerously inconsiderate they're being. At last, it won't change their opinion. nothing will until it happens to them.

My throat has hurt all week. And I don't manage my emotions well when I'm not feeling well. that's really how I know I'm under the weather; when I'm quick to shoot from the hip, rather than think rationally before speaking. ... look how far I've come! :)

I am extremely fortunate to have a position that I can do from home. And grateful for it. I work for a company that is an essential service. we provide protective gear for many industries.

So getting back to my personal and mental health routine...
I'm not doing it. I do not work out. I do not do my bi-daily yoga. I just do not do it.
Not sure why. I make lists of things I need to do, and all but personal routine gets completed.

I'm open to suggestions!

My friends and I are using apps available to us to stay connected. I'm starving for human touch.
I avoid the news and watch a lot of happy videos, and participate in the 7pm salute from my patio every night.
There is only so much we can do.

I have enough supplies to not leave the house at all for a bit. I go out once a week to gather supplies so I never run low, or out of anything. Also, it's nice to have backup in case anyone I know becomes stuck, I can help out.

If I can just get my ass in gear and do the workouts, the yoga, I think I'd be in a better mental state.

That's all I have at the moment.

Please stay safe, do your part, and think of others when you do have to venture out. It's about all of us.

Coronavirus-19 Isolation Day 1 - and other stuff

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Tue, 24 Mar 2020 02:51:00 +0000

Today is my first night in self-isolation. While I've been practicing social distancing, I've made myself available to a few people who are unable to get out and about. I've run groceries, doctor appointments, etc. Although now that I'm home, I will save 2.5 hours a day between not having to get ready in the morning or commuting to/from work. I'll also save gas! Funny now that gas is at an all-time low in 20 years in Vancouver, we can finally afford to drive, and we are not allowed to go anywhere. Murphy's Law.

This morning I was in the midst of requesting to work from home, even though our company hadn't issued a phase 3 protocol as of yet. 2 hours later, we were in Phase 3. IT Dept working furiously to get us all connected on the networks to work from home.

I can not tell you how much my level of anxiety has lowered since we've been told to work from home. I will still work my regular hours, however, a little slower, since I will be 100% paperless. It can, and will be done.

Can not begin to tell you how ignorant some people in the lower mainland of Vancouver BC are. Not taking or practicing any precautions. At this point, if you're not doing your part, you're contributing to the death toll. Harsh, yes. True, extremely.

I ask you to educate yourself with the facts backed by science, and not by an orange monkey leading the states, or conspiracy articles. No scare tactics. This shit is real! Do your part! Be safe, and keep those around you safe!

Check on your neighbours. The elderly. Make sure they've got the basics, the medications. If not, offer to pick it up for them. Cook them some meals that can be frozen. In order to survive this pandemic, we have to take care of each other, as much as we do ourselves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Work has been great! My contract was extended until the end of summer. They're trying to work out either a hard end date or hiring me.

Our payroll gal is annoying as grrrrr. She's a walking condiction. I'm learning to challenge myself not to react or be affected by her. It's mental health homework the way I look at it.

My cat is going to be so confused over the next while when he discovers I'm home allllll the time.
Maybe he'll misbehave a lot less.

I've made a to-do list of minimizing the apartment. If you buy stuff, to store stuff, you have too much stuff. That is exactly how I feel these days. I have way too much stuff. I don't entertain at home anymore, why do I need 7 frying pans, 6 casserole dishes, 40 mugs etc. Same with my books, clothes etc. it will be a long process, however, it's going to be so mentally freeing to unclutter my life.

A few things I've noticed already before mandatory isolation becomes a very real thing for the lower mainland, how much white noise the planes cause. now the planes cause. More than a few times I've been caught by surprise that the birds are loud. You can hear them! It's nice. Living in the city and being able to hear more nature than traffic is lovely.

Gonna sign off here. Stay safe friends.

Trust in the Work Place - Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Tue, 10 Sep 2019 03:35:00 +0000

A few weeks ago I posted a small rant about our Payroll person sharing confidential information with me - maybe others.

That hasn't changed. I've started recording the day/time/what was said.
Not sure it will do any good. I'm picking this battle carefully. Especially after our more recent incident.

Our department was under investigation for a human rights complaint from a short term employee - 3 weeks to be exact. He had an attitude, was extremely rude, snarky, and inappropriate most of the time. Swore at me twice on his last day. To the point I had to change my voice tone to a more stern position, telling him to settle down. He waited till his last day to file the complaint. which I find suspicious, considering the day in question was a week before he quit.

We gave him the benefit of the doubt; we thought maybe (in his head) he was being funny. He wasn't.

Long story: We were all interviewed regarding a specific day with the HR department. Asked specific questions etc. Payroll person wasn't there the day in question. She went on and on how she wouldn't say anything even if she was there etc.

I threw him under the bus. Hard. There is no way I'm going to let someone kick us after he's gone.
I contacted an employment lawyer to inquire what our rights are, should this go south. His first question was - "why did he wait until after he left to file the complaint?"

Fast forward to this past week - we were finally addressed as a department with all the executives present. Had a short toolbox talk regarding what is/n't appropriate in the workplace.

Payroll person - for one that claims she wouldn't say anything - she threw all of us under the bus.
Certain topics can be a little off-kilter, but they're never loud or malicious. I could tell by the look on my teams face they were furious.

I took a deep breath and added to the list. Without naming her, I mentioned discussing bonuses, wages, etc were inappropriate. The team knew exactly what I was doing, said the look on her face dropped, originally being smug was now was white in shock or disbelief.

In short, we collectively agreed that we felt we'd been attacked without a chance to defend ourselves since they won't divulge what was said. Yet, we're reprimanded. The executives asked for transparency, we gave it to them.

Payroll person hasn't said anything to me regarding throwing her under the bus. She still discusses payroll topics with me. I'm slowly learning her tell. I will use that to my advantage in protecting myself. I don't discuss anything with her. Not my dating life, casual outings etc.

Needless to say, our morale is down a bit, everyone is afraid to talk about anything.

That's all for now.

Words as Weapons - Rant

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Thu, 15 Aug 2019 02:49:00 +0000

I've been raging and having major anxiety all this week.
I could have used my words as weapons, and been pleased with myself.

I had to have some serious quiet time and check-in with myself, find the source of this negative energy. Rather than feeding it with more rage cos I haven't felt I could put my finger on it.

In short, I've come to the conclusion that I am stressed.

*We have a serious investigation going on at work. One that affects my department directly. The claim behind the investigation is bogus. Although since a claim was filed, the proper protocols have to be taken. Understandably.
What gets me red mad, is once it's found to be an invalid/fraudulent claim, our department will still get a lashing. Just because a claim was filed. Regardless if it's found invalid.

*Another issue which I am unable to discuss at this time due to its legalities.

I'm breathing, but the rage is rooted deep.

*I'm picking fights with people I care about. Becoming less and less tolerable towards lack of common courtesy on many levels.

*I'm annoyed with my body. My intestinal health has been giving me some grief for the last 6 weeks. Finally received the results of the culture, all good! no parasites or other nasty little things. This means making some restrictions on my diet and sticking to them. Just shoot me.

*I have to have positive self talk with myself daily. Thanking my body for the hard work it does! Carries my fat ass everywhere. Strong and flexible to stay active and healthy. Thanking the universe and my body for being able to get up every morning without assistance. There may come a time in life that that isn't possible. So I'm thankful for it now.

In term, I'm sure I'll feel better for making changes. it's just gonna suck donkey ass!

School starts up again in a week. This time it's not self-paced, and I'll be accountable for my course load in a classroom. YAY! but ugh to the late nights I'll have.

There ya have it. No harsh words here... I'm saving them for a special occasion. ;)

Trust in the Workplace; Can it Exist? Part 1

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Mon, 05 Aug 2019 23:05:00 +0000

Over the years I've witnessed coworkers betray each other for promotions, throw one another under the bus for valid reasons due to work ethic, but mostly out of malice.

My whole employed life I've been wary of those who want to be fast friends, who are too eager to tell you about all the other employees. I've listened and made mental notes about the stories, and to never share anything at work.

I usually live by the rule: If you say it out loud, expect everyone to know about it, and twist it by the end of the day. If you want to keep it private, simply don't talk about it.

Executives talk to each other. They put on a professional front for their staff, but they talk just as much if not more than the staff themselves.

I've started a job which I really like. The executives are transparent, they joke around with the staff and keep the morale up. It's a nice change from what I've been subjected to for the last 6 years.

Recently we've hired a new payroll person. She's nice. From day one she's always comparing herself to others. Makes comments like: "why wouldn't those girls apply for that position, don't they want to move up in the company?","how does such a young exec afford to own Jimmy Choos?" Lots of comments. I tend to shrug my shoulders, saying "I don't know, I've never asked them, maybe you should ask them!?" She'll make a reason not too. It's clear to me she's a pot-stirrer.

The payroll person is nice, in small doses. She's recently been making comments to me about my future with the company. "why do you work here, do you like it?, Don't you have a degree in another field? you all roughly make the same amount." This isn't your get to know you type questions, it's the tone she uses.

She made a comment Wednesday about benefits etc and was surprised to learn I had benefits being on contract. Firstly, as payroll personnel, she shouldn't be saying things like that. Secondly, made a comment how that the company is unlikely to hire me permanently and will continue to renew my contract over and over, based on the fact that they know I have an interest in another career.

WTF? is she being friendly and giving me a heads up?
I informed her when the company hired me, they knew of my career path, and that it could take years.
My manager and I have an agreement, that when I'm ready to start looking in my field, I'd let them know. Of course, I will, but not until after I've secured a position. I'm not going to shoot myself in the foot. I like working here. It's a nice change to built up in aptitude vs being torn down daily.

Now my concern is, do I keep this information payroll shared with me, to myself, or share it with HR? I don't trust this person. I will keep all personal information and plans to myself as usual, but her ethic is pushing the line limits.

Even with my team, I don't discuss overly personal things or plans. Isn't this just common sense?

In my gut, I know what to keep to myself. I've learned a few ways of answering questions diplomatically without actually answering them, and making the ask-ee think they've received an answer.

It's been a year of growth!

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Mon, 15 Apr 2019 01:39:00 +0000

Since I was laid off Jan 2018, the past year has been an eye opening rediscovery about myself, and those that love me.

My tribe, gawd bless them, cos without them this past year, I wouldn't have had a social life. They simply did not care that I was broke. They always insisted I not miss out on anything. I contribute where I can obviously, but so grateful for them.

I have a new job now, and while I did not make the best of my year with my studies, I am refocused now. Have a goal written down, and a timeline. Fingers crossed.

I'm coming to grips of my reality with my siblings; that I am indeed really an only child. One that shares my last name with sibling strangers.

I have upcoming plans to go back east again to visit family that loves me. I miss them so much.

That's all for now. Just a short update. I have plenty more to talk about, just no energy at the moment.

Liberated - feels weird! Deleted FB

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Thu, 12 Jul 2018 04:10:00 +0000

I deleted my FB account tonight!

I found I wasn't using it wisely. I was scrolling thru just aimlessly. And if I was looking at the news feed, it was all negative. All day, all the time.

I follow a few news media pages, and can't escape the orange man-child cheeto! Even non-news sources were posting about the more recent stupidity exiting his uneducated, bias, racist little brain. If it wasn't about his latest antics, it was someone calling the police on someone else for the most ridiculous reasons. Or people randomly being attacked for the colour of their skin!
Can not escape.

I started noticing the rage that would stir. That's not good.
As a trial for a week, I've deleted it. I still have msgnr, and IG, cos at least there, I can control the happiness content.

I'm not avoiding reality, parse; I'm just taking control over what, and when I choose to watch the news (on TV now). I only need to read/listen to the news once a day. I do not need it shoved in my face all day long. And when media outlets do report on something else, say something positive; maybe albeit not breaking news, there is always some twit bitching about how there is more going on in the world than reporting on A>B>C random happy moments in the world. There is many levels of news.
Unfortunately so many thrive on the negative. They can't be pleased.

It's only been 2 hours, and I've already noticed that I robotically pick up my phone to scroll through FB. This is going to be a good habit to break.

If not only for my mental health, but to adopt healthier ways to occupy my time!!
Anxious? Do a few push ups.
Bored? Attack something off my to-do list.
Go for a walk.
Read any of the many books I haven't opened yet.

It's been 2 hours, and it already feels a little freeing. 😚

Depression has creeped back, and hard to shake this time.

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Tue, 10 Jul 2018 03:13:00 +0000

Just what the title says.

Depression. While you're in it, you're not really aware all the time just how run down you are.
A year ago tomorrow, I started taking anti-anxiety meds. What a game changer, I can't tell you the difference, and HUGE improvement it's made in my life!!

As you might be aware, I was laid of in January of this year. Been on more interviews than I can remember, no offers worth fighting for. I have the help of an agency, starting to use a second one soon. A few offers have been made. Although they haven't offered enough salary to accept it.
Some even after I've stated my salary expectations as per their request in the applications, a few have low balled me. Really? Instead of getting mad, I've been using those experiences to practice my negotiation skills. I know my worth. Please do not insult me.

I get enough on EI just to get by. Barely. It's a struggle to budget your social life even tighter.
My rent and bills get paid. All the luxuries have been downgraded or cancelled til further notice.

Which brings us to today. Here we are. I am.
Feeling blah. All-the-time. Until you've dealt with depression personally, or cared for someone who has it, you can't imagine the set back when you find yourself where I am right now, and can see how far back down the ladder I've gone.

It's twofold.
1- To know your down where you are, and can see how far forward you had gone.
2 - The ladder steps are rotten, and full of splinters. How am I going to get back up the ladder? HOW?

I have all these wonderful tools to cope, and none of them seem to be working.
Breathing exercises, headspace apps, yoga, exercises in general. And sleep. wonderful sleep.
The rule is you're supposed to do things even know you don't want to. Go out with friends, be social, go for that walk, attack that chore, or house hold project.

None of it's working at the moment. The thing is, I know how much harder it's going to be to get out of this funk if I don't make real efforts. I simply don't care, at this moment.

Update soon.

Disowned 1 Sibling - Renewed Happiness

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Sat, 21 Apr 2018 01:04:00 +0000

It's done. I'm down 1 sibling. My one particular sister has had a history of ruining my holidays.
If she isn't making it about her.. oh wait, it's never not about her.

We have two family pages on FB that are private to our families only. A cousin who isn't tech savvy, (neither am I) to upload an email update from another cousin regarding one of our Aunts. This I can do.

My sister made comments HOURS after the fact and having 'liked' the posts, about why SHE wasn't sent the email, and if they send it to her now, she'll post it. All this on the posting about the Aunt. She's read it, and commenting to resend it so she can post what she just wrote on.... I can't wrap my head around this logic.

She starts texting me about not being able to see any of the posts I made, and that she isn't a member of the family pages. Sigh. I informed her because she blocked me at Xmas, she wouldn't be able to see any posts I make on FB, regardless of where they are. I tell her she had to have unblocked me in order to see the post, to write on it etc., and that she is on both pages cos she's commented on BOTH. She argues and disagrees with me.

(insert hard eye roll)

She starts posting on our family pages about how I've blocked her, and a tonne of other nonsense. In short, she started airing the shit between us on the pages. I removed her and the posts. (I'm the admin) Texting her to not do that, grow up etc. blah blah blah..

Did I mention is she is 57?

Well this set her off. She unleashed 45 years of angst and animosity towards me. None of which were of any accuracy. And what she did get correct, I can't apologise for, nor should I. (me having a better, privileged, spoiled upbringing), and so on.

I reminded her of the age gap between us, and that I grew up as an only child, with siblings outside the household. I'm not going to apologise for this.

My whole life I've strived for acceptance from my much older siblings. As I get older, I learn and recognise what exhausts me, and what makes me strive, and happy. I'm over it.

So over it in fact, I didn't take the high road.
I dropped the gloves, gave her a slapshot between the eyes, and destroyed the low road she had taken. All of the things I had to say were factual, and overdue. She didn't like that. Nor I had a backbone and a limit. I normally just vent here and keep it to myself for the most part in life. Not today.

When all was said and done, I informed her she was no longer considered my sister. That relationship is 100% over. Unrepairable. I didn't make this decision in haste. While she was spewing her built up hate at me via text, I was weighing if any of this was worth it. It wasn't.

I am at a place in my life where the constant turmoil, and petty bullshit isn't worth entertaining further.

She is a petty, childish, narcissistic, toxic bitch. That's being polite.

It has taken me a long time to where I am 100% okay with my decision. Nothing good ever comes from talking to her. Ever.

I feel lighter. Freer. Like a constant dooming negative energy has been lifted. :D

Learned to say No

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Mon, 12 Feb 2018 00:19:00 +0000

It was a gradual process, didn't happen overnight. So gradual, that I didn't even really notice it happening. My shrink would say this is a success. That I've learned to set healthy boundaries, not only for myself, but with others.

My first memory of this was just over a year ago or so. At work, I found a balance of being nice/professional, and rejecting unrealistic requests. I will give credit to the master manipulator I worked with that unknowingly allowed me to practise this skill. Standing up for myself, and against those who thought they could push me around with ease.

This has since moved into my personal relationships. Setting boundaries, learning to say NO, and not feel bad about it. Nor, offering an explanation why. It's freeing.

Not having to defend why I've decided to, or not to do something.

This is a feeling, and a goal I've striven for longer than I care to admit.

In this, knowing my own limits, and myself more, has also let me recognize when others have less than good intentions. Or if relationships are more a one-way street than I knew before.

Not wasting energy, and emotions on those who don't provide a safe, honest, mutual supportive relationship. SUPER GOAL! I've always needed people to like me. Even if I wasn't fond of them. I needed it. That is no longer an issue, which allows me to love myself, and live a life to a fuller extent.

I no longer feel the need to defend my friendships, interests etc to others. That's okay if you don't like A.B.C person in my life, it's not yours. I may not like something about your life, or persons in it. Whilst this doesn't detract from that fact ppl care about me, and only want to see me happy. I allow them to voice their concerns, and I listen, but the end decision is mine. It's also okay if you don't like my hobbies, or interests. I may not like yours either. That doesn't deter that I still like you. We all have our own weirdos we do things with, and without.

Long story short; It's a extremely freeing feeling to be in control of your own feelings, wants, needs, and decisions.

2017 a Year in Review

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Mon, 05 Feb 2018 03:27:00 +0000

Where to begin!?

First I hope all of you are working towards your goals, whatever they may be.

I've had a year of new, old, used, people, growth, and challenges.

Nov 2017 I joined Meetup.com. as a way to meet new people with similar interests.
You quickly discover that the way the groups are ran, can be a hit and a miss. Same with the people you meet. Seem a little too good to be true? Listen to that, cos its accurate every time.

I joined an age appropriate women group. An abandoned exploring group. Yoga/paddle boarding, a beer group, and a new to being active group.

Some of the groups were rude right from the start. The abandoned group gave incorrect information which lead to 20 of us meeting in the states, at a specific time on the monday of a long weekend. The organizer showed up 4 hours later, trying to tell all of us were wrong etc. How can that be, when all 20 of us arrived roughly at the same time... .a handful of us left and went home as we'd been out and about for 6 hours already, and this was clearly listed as a day time event. it wasn't. Gave email feedback and was rudely told off. Wow. My first group meeting with them and this is it. wow.
I noticed that there is a sister group to this one. Which looks like its run a lot more smoothly. The first group still lists inconsistent information. like be at dinner at 6 and then at xyz spot at 605. can't be in two places at the same time. oh well.

The beer group was/is an amazing set of people. Professionally organized. People from all walks of life here, as long of course as you're over 19. My first meeting there was nice. Met a gf that turned into a friend outside of group meetings. But I was however harassed by one guy constantly to the point the organizers stepped in and told him to back off. I've only been out with this group a handful of times, as they go out a lot!!!

The beginner fitness group. Amazing group of ladies. However the activities lack, and are well above many of fitness levels.

The paddle/yoga group is inactive. Anyone in any group can organize an event. If i wanted to do that, I'd develop my own page. No thanks.

The age appropriate group of women was intense and full of drama.
I met a couple ppl right away that I bonded with. One is didn't work out when she discovered she couldn't push me around, and wasn't interested in the gossip and back stabbing. Another girl was nice but quickly turned into the victim in every aspect of her life. if you asked her more about it, she suddenly didn't want to talk about it anymore. She only came around when she wanted something. I dropped her quickly, and she made it all about her. See ya Felisha

In short, I discovered that this isn't the place to make friends. It's a place to find ppl interested in the same things, to do those things with at that time, and at that time only. Basically its a buddy system without making friends. I've deleted most of my groups, as some have penalties for not attending so many in a certain amount of time.
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Went surfing in February, in the snow! It was a paddle boarding, surfing, yoga retreat in Tofino. It snowed. It rained. It was sunny. It was awesome!

We had a lodge to ourselves, every room had a shower, no sharing! 3 instructors and 3 guests. Lots of one on one time. It was an experience. The other women there were very serious about chasing storms and trading surf camp stories from around the world. Here I was saying, "I'm just here to have fun." I may as well have had 3 heads. The instructors were great about making sure we all were interactive. Didn't have to be friends, but at least talk. It was good, and weird all at the same time,

For the amount I paid for the week (meals included) I'd go again with ppl I like, and only do the activities I like.
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In July I had a very severe anxiety attack. One which lead me to call the nurses line, as I was actually scared for my well-being as I couldn't calm down with the anxiety medication I had available to me at the time.

After a significant amount of time on the phone, and the nurse felt I was no longer a risk or danger to myself, we set a plan of actions. I executed them over the following days. Got into to see my doctor and my shrink asap. Ended up agreeing with my GP to go on anxiety medication.
The cipralex at a very low dosage, covers anxiety, ocd, panic, depression. The first 10 days were pure hell. On the 10th day, like a light-switch was turned on, everything was/is amazing!

I can still feel emotions, however I have FULL CONTROL over how I react. It has made life easier on so many levels! I use to be a daily crier. Over anything and everything. Now, I don't cry. I can feel everything, but its in my control. No more knee jerk reactions. Clearer thinking. Calmer in general which allows me to learn new things, meet new people and own my craziness.
Sidenote: taking this medication limits all alcohol intake. I can have a beer here or there, but not often as it makes me feel like I've had 10! No need to drink or have those cravings to drown emotions in alcohol. My wallet and belly are happier!
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Paddle boarding growth. This is my sport! Every time I get into the water I learn something. I've managed to introduce others to the sport, but find its something I'd like to do alone at times.

My last paddle was in August. I had anticipated going alone, and very glad I had not, cos not only did I fall in the water (no biggie) my board went one way, and the tide took me another, and jammed me into a log boom. Which I managed to grab a hold of a log to prevent the tide (although light) the tide was moving in and trying to take my legs and me under the boom. I was more concerned with being stung by a lions manes jellyfish, than worrying about the fact I was holding onto a seal habitat and the seals with their pups only 20 feet away, they were curious but not threatened by me. Phew thank gawd!

It wasn't til the next day I learnt I was indeed injured. After much physio and doctor appointments, it was discovered I had torn something in my elbow. Shockwave therapy ensued. Very painful, although very effective in recovering. Had my last sessions before Xmas.

The girls brought me my board, and we carried on. In that mishap, there were a lot of "what ifs" learned. What if I had been alone? There were no boats on the water that day. No one would have heard my emergency whistle. I would have had to hang out with the sea lions until the rental place noticed I was well passed my return time. Also learnt my PFD wasn't fitted or tighten properly. And exactly why paddling on a river/inlet you never wear a leash on your board. Had I been attached, and the tide took my board under the boom, I'd have to go with it, if unable to release it.

Contacted my sup instructor to take more water safety courses and level 2 sup lessons. She agreed.
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Back in February, I decided I wanted to go back east for Xmas to see my family. They agreed it would be awesome, however I wanted it to be a secret for the rest other than whom I was staying with.
Booked the time off, paid for the trip, and kept my mouth shut for a year.

Xmas comes and I arrive in Ontario. The Aunt and cousin I was staying with asked how the siblings would feel knowing I kept this a secret. I advised them all expect one, would be thrilled or could care less. I explained I was expecting the one sister to lose her shit. (click on the red if you want to read that trip)
Cos if she knew I was out there she would hop on a plane and make it all about her. It was absolutely the best vacation I've taken in a long time. I had signs made up for each family. A saying we grew up with, and a one sign that hung above the door threshold over my grandparents place. We all have specific memories of this.

The signs were a huge hit! Priceless and sentimental. Everyone was surprised, and ecstatic to see me arrive at Xmas dinner, just how we planned it. That night the pictures are now allowed to surface online.

Enter extreme hissy fit from my sister who ruined my last trip east 2 years ago.

Once back at the cousins, I informed them that she did indeed lose her mind. They wanted to know what she said. At first I refused. Cos they don't need to know the real her. The aunt had enough when my sister started texting other family members. She demanded to read the messages. Her face upon reading the ugliness of the messages made her so sad. She was surprised I called this and it happened. My sister made it all about her. Said some really disgusting things to me.

Upon arriving home after my vacation, I decided to sit down and read all her messages. Getting angrier by the minute and still not feeling well from fainting on the plane (didn't adjust to the altitude), I had had enough and fired off a very raw and factual email.
Without the details, I no longer have a relationship with this sister.

She is not to contact me ever again unless she apologies for her behaviour, apologies to the aunts, cousins etc all those she tried to sour my visit with. My cousins wouldn't have it. They simply kept saying how amazing it was that I was there etc. Not replying to her comments. But now, they've all been subjected to the real her. Not my problem.

I'll be high off this visit for a long time! I'm planning more visits outside of major holidays.
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Work. Oh work! A year ago we were told we'd be rolling out a new computer system that would simplify what/who does what. Of course I asked how this would effect me. I was told that I had nothing to worry about for at least 8 months after the roll out. Roll out starts January 24th, 2018. January 26th, 2018 I was laid off! With additional severance over what they legally owe me.
I wasn't impressed, and called them out on it that THE DAY BEFORE we met and was told I had nothing to worry about, for now. Not for a few months.

Well, I slipped out quietly, didn't say anything to anyone. They agreed to wait until I was gone before sending out the email. People are pissed. Considering they've pulled in a temp to do my job until further notice. hmph. No one is safe. I've had to call the office a couple time for employment forms etc, and was met with very curt and short answers. Wow, I was being polite and friendly.
Not impressed with their behaviour. I worked there 6 years.

I had been struggling with the loyalty balance one should have for their employer. Since if you were to die, they'd have you replaced within a week. So why should anyone, (not just me in this scenario) have any loyalty? It doesn't mean anything. If you were to get sick, they wouldn't take care of you, etc, but you're expected to constantly go over and above what is the norm on a regular basis, for their benefits.

I have no doubts that I've picked the right field to work in . Community safety and communications. you're dealing with the public and contribute how the community functions within society. Bigger picture goodness.

So here I sit. A week into my unemployment stint. Looking for work anywhere! I have an interview next week, which I'll accept if I'm offered the position. It wont be a long term thing, but its good money and helps build my experience within the community. Fingers crossed.

And now we're all caught up.

There are no men to speak of, and I'm okay with that. I know my worth, and don't have time to go about meeting men and wasting time the way I had before. When it feels right, I'll try it again later.

Mid life Crisis or Meltdown?

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Sun, 09 Jul 2017 04:13:00 +0000

UPDATE:
I called the nurses line shortly after writing this entry. I took an ativan and it wasn't kicking in. I called to see if I could take a second one safely. We ended up on the phone for an hour. Out a plan together. And when the nurse felt I was at a reasonable level of panic, she let me go.

I took a bath. Did my breathing practices and no longer felt the need to take the second ativan. I had calmed down enough For it to work.

Saw my family doctor that following Monday. Discussed what happened and my options. We decided to try some medication. Its only been 5 days and I feel the difference. I'm only on a child's dose til we see how it affects me. I'm also still in the side effects stage for another week.
Saw my shrink the Wednesday.
Long story short, I've taken the steps to get the help and have a support system in place. Those friends did reach out the next morning. Some got an ear full, others still have a place in my life.

There ya have it...

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I"m sitting calmly in my apartment, happy with some minor recent changes I've been making to the apartment, my life etc.
...then WHAM! I'm an inconsolable babbling puddle! wth just happened?
Excuse typing errors, as I write this with blurred eyes. Not that's an excuse,but ya know.

To the point:
*I'm losing control of everything! Maybe even reality a little!
*I'm officially broke. My savings have run out, while dealing with my accident claim.
*Roommate is talking about moving out again at the end of the year for school etc.
*Can't find a job in my field.
*My current job may be eliminated come January, and it took me a year to find that one!
*My credit is running out! I've always taken pride at being able to manage my finances, but now it's getting away from me.
*I apparently have allllll these great friends, but I'm always the one making the phone calls.
*I've been pretty good about who is who etc, even after I've narrowed down the dead weight, I thought the ones left over were the ones I could count on. Nope. I called and texted 5 ppl tonight.to ensure they could hear the desperation in my voice! Not 1 replied, although they've seen the messages. 1 replied with buy a dildo. wow. Just deleted them.

*And P. Gawd. I thought things were good between us. Trying to be friends. He cancelled our dinner plans for tonight, stating he just wasn't feeling it after a day of golf. No problem.
However, the problem is one of his friends tagged him in a picture 2 hours later at a restaurant/bar downtown having a good time. Seriously not cool. I had a hard enough time getting over the fact he's never going to love me the way I want him too, and was okay with building a rapport as friends. I thought. Now he can't even be honest with me.

I dont know how many times I've said this to ppl in my life in general conversations.
I rather you be honest and hurt my feelings. At least I can respect it. Lie, deceive me, it leaves me sour and not trusting you.

I'm not expecting any of you to be able to provide a solution, although they are welcome.
I'm losing my shit. I'm scared. Actually scared about everything. My future, in finance, love, mental health. At this point I'm not opposed to being medicated if it's going to help me stay sane, calm and have clarity.

Fuck it. Copy and pasted this to my shrink. I think it will be easier for her to read what a breakdown looks like while its happening.

Stupid Sister Convo's & Life Updates

noreply@blogger.com (Just Sayin...) — Mon, 22 May 2017 04:16:00 +0000

If you've been reading my blog for any length of time, or randomly read my family stuff, you'll know I don't get along with my sisters. One specifically. She says the dumbest things. Whether they racist, is one-upping you on any topic, or just random things to make herself look better, she says stupid things. With no regard to how it may be interpreted.

We use to do a sister lunch every month until I solely decided I wasn't participating anymore, cos it was too taxing to be down too, or the way she talked to our oldest sister, who has a development handicap. It's too much. Not to mention I'm still harbouring a huge grudge against her for ruining my trip back east a couple years ago.

Lunch today was no different. A little less vile than usual, but no different really.
Lunch discussion about my proprieties finding a new job in my field.

Sister: You should get a spouse so you'll have a second income.

Me: Well I don't have one, do that comment is irrelevant.

S: I'm just saying, it would help you financially to look for work or take the part-time until you can find f/t in your field.

Me: yes, but I don't have that option. So you mentioning it repeatedly doesn't change it. And even if I had a spouse to help me take those risks, I'd still have to make enough money to live my own life regardless.

Sister: But you have a roommate.

Me: That's not the point. That's not his responsibility, nor is his living with me ever guaranteed.
You're not listening.

Sister: but...

Brother-in-law: : sisters name, Stop talking. Just stop.

Other conversations were no different. She wants to be the first to know and inform everyone that she knew it first. The kicker was when the oldest sister corrected her about our other sister. She actually told her she was wrong. I had to pipe in, cos we were on a conference call together, and I backed her up. She was so mad she didn't know. Well, why would you? You don't talk to, or have a relationship with that sister.... just sayin.

In short, having the Brother-in-law there was a nice buffer. How he's put up with her for all these decades, I have no idea. He's a saint!

Life Updates:

I started a positive jar. Every time I do something new, or tried, etc, it goes on a post-it, and into the jar. At the end of the year, you take them out and read them. Trying to remember to write them down is the only obstacle. hahah

Every month, I'm pushing myself to do something I want to do. I joined Meetup.com. It's a group site that allows you to find people with similar interests. Not a dating site! I've joined as a recommendation from my shrink. 1) to find more female age-appropriate friends. Which is coming along. 2) activities I like or want to try.

Some of the groups are a hit and a miss. Although you can find your groove pretty quick. I still have anxiety when it comes to doing new things with people I don't know etc, however, the more honest I about it with the event host, the easier it is to be awkwardly charming. Slowly building confidence. I'm doing more things on my own. Taking lessons in activities I've wanted to try, outside of the meetup groups. Stepping stones, always.

Career:
Is proving to be harder than originally thought to find full-time permanent work locally.
Everything is casual or part-time. I might have to consider looking into part-time positions. As long as I can be guaranteed 20 hrs a week at a government salary, I can get by, until something full time comes up. But then finding it, and getting short-listed is hard too. The search continues. It's actually on a timeline, as my current company is about to roll out a new program in January 2018 that will eliminate a lot of what I do. As no one can tell me anything solidified regarding my position, I feel it's best to beat them to the punch. As we've been laying offing staff in other departments. It hasn't been exactly compassionate or tactful.

Empaths:
In one of the groups I joined, I met a woman who is into feeling energies etc. While I feel some people who talk about it too openly are full of it. Those who truly have the ability to feel other people's energies don't walk around bragging about it, cos in the reality of things, its not always a gift to be able to feel good and bad energies. Especially the bad. IN short, what I'm learning about myself, is not to be afraid of it.. that I can feel everything. All the fucking time. I'm learning how to protect my own personal energy from being affected by the negative. I don't openly talk about it. Only a few people really know, mostly cos they feel it too.

Side note: sort of related. I've learned that our souls travel in packs in each lifetime. So those people who you're drawn to without really knowing why, it's believed you knew each other in another time. Kind of a neat way to think about those who come and go.

Dating:
bahahahahahah big breath bahahahahaahahahaha

Actually, I've been learning to love myself more. Always an on-going thing. Something I haven't been able to say in a few years, I like myself. Almost love, but like myself, a lot.

Would I date me? A couple years ago, no. Now, yes!
I found a meme on FB that stuck with me.
A son asks his Dad, "When will I meet the right woman?" The Dad's reply, "To meet the right woman, you must become the right man." I suppose that works both ways.

And that is what I'm doing. I am lonely at times. To the point it's palpable. This is not to be confused or compared to being horny. I have my short term needs covered.

General things:
Learning to keep my mouth shut, is surprisingly becoming easier. I'm observing a lot more. Maybe this has more to do with learning to love me, that I don't feel the need to be the life of any party.
It's calm here. :)

okay, I think that is all I have right now. It's all over the place, but it's no longer taking up space in my brain.