Pressing thoughts -- Main Blog

An interview with cruel virgin

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 03:14:00 +0000

Cruel Virgin was kind enough to answer some questions I had for her.

Why blog?

At first it was a way for me to work out ideas for my job. Then it became a way for me to work out my identity. Right now, I don't know if I much more to say.

What makes cruel virgin blog more: joy or sadness?

Sadness, but I am trying to resist that as it is too personal.

3 things you love about Cruel Virgin?

Well, I like that I can be a smart ass, I like that people take my ideas seriously even if they disagree, and I like the community that CV has formed.

3 things you hate about Cruel Virgin?

I often feel obligated to blog when I have nothing to say, I've gotten a lot of trolls and I ended up losing friendships--not because of my blog but because my blog put me in touch with people that caused me a lot of pain.

3 things about yourself that Cruel Virgin (blogging) helped you to discover?

I am spiritual but not religious, we really are all connected in a metaphysical way, and I need to resist the temptation to rant as some people get hurt which I never intend.

3 all-time favorite books

The Iliad, Lord of the Rings, The Brothers Karamazov

3 all-time favorite moives

The Godfather, The Seventh Seal, All About My Mother

3 people Cruel Virgin likes from blog world.

Walking Man, SJ, Ricardo

Most memorable comment cruel virgin has ever made/got.

One blogger who was a cowboy (for real) told me that he thought I was a lot like a steer he had to rope to get to the vet--he said: You would be hard to handle. I answered: Cowboy, you have no idea. His reply: Angel, I have somewhat of one. That exchange just blew me away!

Cruel virgin's best post (till date), according to you.
Toss up: My series on Bartending and my series on I See Dead People.

Finally, what do you value most:love or freedom?

I can't live in a world without love

Are you lucky enough?

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 18:53:00 +0000

I have been meaning to explore this thought of mine for quite sometime.Finally, my friend mentioned the same thing which I have been pondering for quite sometime and this made me post it.

I have been stuck on this problem(software bug) at work like forever(2 months).It's really painful to get stuck and not go anywhere.It was very critical that it was to be solved and there was tremondous pressure on me.Not wanting to give up, more out of ego and less to do with conviction, I pushed on, constantly trying out different methods to solve it.Things seemed to get better before getting worse and it was utterly disappointing.I was completely exhausted and fatigued and showing signs of PTSD(to some extent).I finally got a lucky break and fixed it(I wouldn't be here posting if I hadn't!!)

My friend said something, which I suspect, I had known for long: It's hard work that brings luck.Well in my case, I had to get hopeless and miserable before striking luck.

All along this has been my experience whenever I find myself in similar situations (work or otherwise).Never been lucky in the true sense.

I want to know if others had similar experiences?

Were you lucky enough to be lucky?

and it keeps happening...

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 18:12:00 +0000

I see her and it's that old feeling all over again.This time though I don't let myself go blind in love.I let the thought indulge me for some more time being careful not to indulge it.It's not the first time and I'm not a fool any more.Just can't afford to feel things.

I turn off the light and go to sleep hoping there will be less of heartache the next day.
We all dream of things,stuff in life.What do you do when reality hits you?What can you do?How do you deal with disappointment?

I'm wiser nowadays(at least I think so.).I'm not getting bothered by stuff that used to keep me off sleep before.

But I don't know what scares me more:my happiness or fear of realizing sometime in future that I wasn't really happy in the first place to begin with.

Fuck that.I'm fine now.

Aftermath.

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Sun, 24 May 2009 17:28:00 +0000

I would like to put down on black and white, how I feel so that I can come back and read it when I want to remember this moment.

Here I go:

1.Death of someone close for the first time in my adult life.Though I have memories of other similar incidents, this is the one which I will remember vividly for a long time to come.

2.I don't know whether I'm in pain or not.Maybe I'm shamelessly exploiting myself to get some blog mileage.

3.I fear that I may not feel anything anymore.

Though I was not that close with my granddad during the later years,I have fond childhood memories of him.I just drifted away once I started off with my own life(what a cliché).Still, whenever we met we had meaningful conversations.Somewhere deep down I know that I was his favorite, even though it was never explicitly mentioned.

I have been fighting battles of my own, during all these years and grew apart and away from all people around me;grandpa included.This makes the pain a tad bit more painful.I was told by my folks, just few days before his departure to pay him a visit since the end was expected.I was so consumed by my own problems that I preferred to lay in the comfort of my own misery.Later when it was over, I got the guts to see his face only the day after.I just wanted to run away from all of it.

Still,remembering him, I'm happy that he has left a lot for me learn and cherish from the way he lived his life.I don't want to go down the "my- grandpa-is-the-best" road.I only wish to say that he lived a simple life with simple needs and desires and a great attitude and positive outlook.Maybe we celebrate people better once they die.I don't know.

Though there is a guilt part in me, I very much want to be happy and look forward positively, more than ever;thanks to him.

I actually wanted to post a photo something similar to my last post,but I realize that being unhappy is just not worth it.

Don't waste your time.

Love and only love,
desp

The whole universe conspires....

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Wed, 13 May 2009 18:34:00 +0000

..to screw you.

Goodbye grandpa.You will always be in my heart.

I'm feeling guilty,sad and angry.

help wanted

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Sat, 09 May 2009 07:32:00 +0000

I have decided to change the name of my blog/profile name.
I request you all to suggest some good names based on the type of person you think I'am or on the type of stuff I write.
If I get interesting responses I will probably put up a poll among the best to decide which one.

love,
despo

Useful advice in unlikely places.

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 03:09:00 +0000

I'm reading a book called:
Code Complete: A Practical Handbook of Software Construction

It's a book on software construction.It's a sort of good bedtime read.I came across a chapter called "Personal character" .

Baffled, I returned to the front cover to make sure I'm reading code complete: a book on software construction.I was surprised to see a chapter dedicated to the human nature in a book on software.Curious,I continued to read on.

The author argues that it is not intelligence but personal character and values which makes one a good programmer or keeps him a good programmer.I discovered spiritual advice in the most unlikely place.I will try to capture the essence of that one chapter here which applies to everyone.

Excerpts:
Engineers in every discipline learn the limits of the tools and materials they work with.If you are an electrical engineer, you know the conductivity.......... ......If you are a software engineer, your basic building material is human intellect and your primary tool is you.

..................... ....The whole job of programming is building air castles-it;s one of the most purely mental activities you can do.Consequently, when software engineers study the essential properties of their tools and raw materials, they find that they're studying people-intellect,character, and other attributes that are less tangible than wood, concrete, and steel.

He goes on to answer the question he poses- Isn't personal character off topic? The intense inwardness of programming makes personal character especially important.You know how difficult it is to put in eight concentrated hours in one day....had the experience of being burned out one day from concentrating too hard the day before..........days on which you have worked well from 8am to 2 pm and then felt like quitting..you didn't quit though....you pushed on.......and then spent the rest of week fixing what you wrote from 2 to 5.

Your employer can't force you to be a good programmer.(God can't force you to be good.) A lot of times your employer isn't even in a position to judge.......If you want to be great,you're responsible for making yourself great.It's a matter of your personal character.

......You can't do anything about your intelligence, so the classical wisdom goes,but you can do something about your character.It turns out that character is more decisive factor in the makeup of a superior programmer.

"We become authorities and experts in the practical and scientific spheres by so many separate acts and hours of work.If a person keeps faithfully busy each hour of the working day,he can count on waking up some morning to find himself one of the competent ones of his generation"--William James.

Necessary qualities:
Intelligence and humility.
Curiosity.
Intellectual honesty.

-Refusing to pretend you're an expert when you're not.
-Readily admitting your mistakes.

Creativity and discipline.

Laziness:Laziness manifests itself in several ways:

--deferring an unpleasant task.
--Doing an unpleasant task quickly to get it out of the way.
--writing a tool to do the unpleasant task so that you never have to do the task again.

Good character is mainly a matter of having the right habits.To be a great programmer,develop the right habits,and the rest will come naturally.

"Any fool can defend his or her mistakes-and most fools do"--Dale Carnegie.

I always wondered why I asked the questions I used to ask.Reading this chapter of the book brought me little closer to the answer of this question.
Author goes on to mention that programming is one of the purest form of mental activity one can go through.(like other art forms,I guess.)To be able to do this day in and day out I need to have a clear and clean mind and this made me to start asking questions whose answers I need to make me happy.

The reverse is also true.I have come across bad programmers who are almost always bad people(i.e bad habits or bad ethics or just bad.)

love,
despo

PS:This is in no way intended to glorify the profession of software engineering or demean other profession.The word software engineer/programmer can be in most cases replaced with human being in this article.Hence I shared it.

In order to attain anything in this world, you first have to relinquish your attachment to it.

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 14:46:00 +0000

I came across a very good story of sorts recently and I wish to put it down here.

There was a group of monks returning to their abode inside the forest.The group comprised of a guru and his followers.It was a rainy season and they came across a river which was flowing very rapid.It was difficult and dangerous to cross.They saw a very pretty woman who was trying to cross but was unable to.Her clothes were wet and it was doing a poor job of concealing her beauty.

One of the disciples offered help and carried her across the river.Other disciples were shocked since it was forbidden to even think about women.Touching was almost criminal.These monks were supposed to be free from any worldly desires and kama.So they kept discussing about the fellow monk's action and when they reached their home, one of them asked the guru about this.

Guru had only one thing to say,"He carried her only across the river.But you are still carrying her."

Wow!!

Personal update:
I hate this since I don't want to bore people with my shit.But sometimes, it's just too much.
Working my ass off and hardly have time to spare.
Some things are not working out as expected.
Generally sad and hating every moment of it.

comment gone good

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 15:04:00 +0000

I just wrote a comment on a wonderful post:one dream from dcrelief.
Thought that this would qualify as a post in itself.

It's so amazing to see how words from total strangers have the power to heal and give courage.

There is no reason which I can think of as to why it is so.I just know that it's a wonderful feeling.

On second thought we all are not strangers after all.We just haven't 'met' each other the way world means it.

But then again who cares?Some of the best people I know are the ones who visit my blog and ones whose blogs I visit.

What you shouldn't do.

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 19:05:00 +0000

I'll tell you what you shouldn't do if you are remotely entertaining the possibility of getting married:
1. Watch revolutionary road.
2. Watch the last kiss the next day.

Make your kids watch it early in life (if u manage to have kids after these movies) if you don't want your DNA to be passed down and help with the population problem.

They portray depressing and bleak picture of the future everyone dreams of.

Emotion is a bitch

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 03:17:00 +0000

"I tried so hard and got so far,in the end it doesn't even matter.... "

I'm convinced that emotion if not a disease, at least is a metal disorder of some kind.Has nobody found a cure yet?At least recognise it as a disorder please.

I've been very busy lately and have very little 'me' time.It's been a crazy ride and doesn't look like it will end any time soon.

One more defeat and disappointment in my on-going attempt and I'm getting to a point of not feeling anything any more.

Apart from this one aspect of life,things have actually bettered and I have been less grateful to God for it.Maybe it's because I'm not getting what I want even though what I'm getting is not that bad.

I hate failures and set very high criteria for success.So whenever there is a set back,it always reminds me of my first 'real' failure.

It was a girl whom I loved and I lost her forever.Maybe someday I can find enough courage to blog about that.Whenever there is a failed attempt at something,it always reminds me of that one thing and keeps me sad for days.

photo.

Presently, I'm sure I wouldn't have loved her as much as I do now if she were with me and I'm starting to suspect it was just an attraction.First love still is special and the pain factor remains.

Problem is now I don't know why I have to be sad and I'm laughing at my stupidity.I'm beginning to believe that God has programmed us to be miserable.We always manage to find some reason to be unhappy.

photo

Emotion is a bitch.
--despo

"Power of friends. (part 2)"

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 17:59:00 +0000

have decided not to post the actual transcript of the conversation that went on between my friend and me.
Felt too personal.

Mood:not happy.

Power of friends. (part 1)

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 19:12:00 +0000

I have a friend who is very close to me.We have been friends for almost 11 years now and are practically brothers.I'm trying to set a context for what follows next.So bear with my nonsense.

In 2006,we took a trip to las vegas on the 4th of the July weekend.For some reason and personal egos, we fought like animals and the whole trip was one big mess.Fortunately, after returning we both had the sense to drop the matter and move on.We never discussed further on what went wrong and instead chose to just ignore it as if it never happened.

Now I don't want to analyze as to who was guilty since I now believe that the reason for fight was so trivial that there should not have been one in the first place.

Now, life has taken both of us to different places and we meet once in a year or two.We are still close through internet.One night it just stuck me that things shouldn't have turned out the way it is.I don't know how long or if ever we can steal time from this busy life to spend some time together.So I just mailed him the regret and pain I felt since I couldn't bring myself to call him and tell him.He was online and responded and we had a nice chat where we cleared out lot of things.I feel close to my friend again.

Here goes....

(this poem is dedicated to my friend)
Even though we were mad @ each other,my friend helped me that day by just being there and without he himself knowing.

Never forget that your mere presence can inspire someone.

It took me around two years to thank him for this.
I hope it's not too late in your case too.

The reason I post this is:

I want to remind myself the damages which ego can cause.

It's never late to accept mistakes.Though it might be too late to correct it,the mere act of accepting it (even if only to yourself) will make you a better person.

I just want to be a better person.

I hope somebody else will realize from my experience.

Next post:The actual mail and chat transcript that led to this post.All the dirty details.!!

disclosure policy

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 02:44:00 +0000

This policy is valid from 16 January 2009

This blog is a personal blog written and edited by me. This blog does not accept any form of advertising, sponsorship, or paid insertions. We write for our own purposes. However, we may be influenced by our background, occupation, religion, political affiliation or experience.

The compensation received will never influence the content, topics or posts made in this blog. All advertising is in the form of advertisements generated by a third party ad network. Those advertisements will be identified as paid advertisements.

The owner(s) of this blog is not compensated to provide opinion on products, services, websites and various other topics. The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog owners. If we claim or appear to be experts on a certain topic or product or service area, we will only endorse products or services that we believe, based on our expertise, are worthy of such endorsement. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider.

This blog does not contain any content which might present a conflict of interest.

To get your own policy, go to http://www.disclosurepolicy.org

Art in motion

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 15:44:00 +0000

Art is an unsolved aspect of human psyche.
It reveals itself in bits which only adds to it's mystery.
Nobody knows why it is.Artists are a peculiar group who seldom care about anything else more than their trade.
I envy them for that.They behave as if they have found all the answers and got nothing to ask from anyone when they are involved in their art.
I passionately envy those whose art arises out of misery and pain around them.
It helps them forget the world around while creating something beautiful.
Power to create something is the single most hateful thing I have against them.
Only god and nature apart from artists share this unique ability.
God himself must be one sick artist.Art arises out of a damaged brain or out of pain.Sane people are rarely gifted.I'm not using sanity in it's usual meaning but in a much wonderful and subtle way.In fact so wonderful that there must be something really wrong with it!
You see perfection is in fact a flaw.
Damaged goods is not an adjective that can be easily acquired.
Also I do believe that anything can be achieved if you really want it.
Still artists are a class apart and I think that god differentiates between men of art and rest of us by being favorable to the former.
I don't know how and I don't know why.

Below is an original and first attempt at poetry by yours truly:

Have promises to keep.
Only,then can I sleep.

Made are vows to myself
Never to see thy's weaker self.

Get long way to go.
Before I can slow.

Till then I find solace in pain
fighting for a chance to gain.

I keep going my way.
With nothing to say,
got no time to pray.

I struggle and wither,
to see myself in mirror,
as I used to before.

Parting words: If you can understand one person completely, you have known god then.

Let's agree on something.

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 20:07:00 +0000

Ever since I started to think about what this life is all about,it has been a very confused existence.

I wish I had blindly followed some mad man/men or their religion which wants me to just unconditionally believe in (it's) higher authority.I would have even settled for having the confidence with which this chick begs people that for god's sake don't be taken for a ride.

I have read and continue to read many books on spirituality,evolution,science etc in my quest.I'm proud to say that I have found an answer.And the answer is there is gonna be none anytime sooner or for that matter later.I'm relieved to arrive to this.I hope others realize this too.

I've read men of science passionately defending their beliefs(I specifically call them beliefs and not as theories.) with "facts" and find them wanting.You see, these facts are based on some assumptions which are generally "assumed" as "true".Somebody please try convincing Neo (guys I'm talking about Matrix) that the air he is breathing is just a sensory input to his brain.Huh.He just chose to believe or rather his curiosity led him to take the road less traveled and he was able to discover the "truth".Was it the truth or did he enter the actual matrix from the real world!! Every day something new is being discovered,some so-called radical,obnoxious idea is becoming less unbearable.Science is evolving.Our understanding of how universe functions is changing.Even to this day we know very little of human body.What should make us think that we will know it all.It's just a matter of time, kid.Well it's not.

More over, I'm reluctant to believe that life on this planet was an accident.That water occupies most of the earth's surface which made life possible is just an accident.Just see how a child grows up to be if you tell him that his conception was an accident in the back seat of a car.Somebody explain me the logic of sexual reproduction and how that it is a logical step in the evolution.Wasn't asexual multiplication good enough? The evolution story is just an attempt of the logical man to explain life as we see it.

Religion/God/Supernatural is another poor and earlier attempt by man to explain life as we see it.God is a wonderful and comforting concept which puts to rest many disturbing questions we have about ourselves.This holds good only if you believe blindly in supernatural as men of logic believe in science.I can't bring myself to completely embrace god because he represents the unknown,the big void I see when I look up into the sky.I have got many questions for him but he is nowhere to be found.I find some comfort in spirituality because it wants me to be a seeker and don't like religion since it asks me to be a believer.

When there is no challenging of existing beliefs, there is no seeking.Without that there is no scope to extend the reaches of our understanding.

I have read some science fellas trying to narrate the supernatural in the language of science(Heisenberg uncertainty principle,quantum physics,god particle etc).I'm happy that they have an open mind.I love spirituality since it begs of me to keep an open mind and keeps me happy.

In this context, death is very interesting phase of life, since it is promising to answer many questions.

Till then, I'm a man who proudly claims that the only thing which he's certain about is that he's not.
Agree that we're ignorant.It's a wonderful feeling.I promise.

I know.Still I don't

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 13:57:00 +0000

I'm fortunate enough to have been acquainted with this person who has been my guide,inspiration, my guru even though he doesn't know that.He is very successful or at least wildly successful in my view.
One conversation went like this:

Him:You know,nothing matters.This whole life is a bullshit.
Me(not aloud): Yeah.I know.Only I want to tell the same, but while standing from where you're standing.

Now, let me explain this.
This person is not someone who is resigned and dejected from life.On the contrary he's full of life,enjoying every moment, wildly successful as per my standards and yet humble.

Still, he says that life is bullshit.He meant that whatever you achieve(or not achieve) or accomplish in your life, in the end, in the bigger picture of things, nothing matters.Everybody dies.It doesn't matter you were sad or happy or miserable;everybody dies."Now" is the only thing which is real and just enjoy it.Experience it.Just be mindful."Now" is the only truth.

I totally agree with him and wish that I feet the same way wholly.I subscribe to his idea.But when I accomplish what I feel that I should,I must, only then can I tell it in the same way as he meant it.

Till then, I have my own version which says:
Life is bullshit.

With self awareness you clearly see who you are and who you want to be.The distance between the two becomes measurable and there lies the pain.I envy the ignorant.

--despo

Do it Now

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 02:39:00 +0000

The Value of Time.
Got this uncredited e-mail a while back.This one speaks about value of time:

• To realize the value of one year, ask a student who failed a grade.
• To realize the value of one month, ask a mother who gave birth to
a premature baby.
• To realize the value of one week, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
• To realize the value of one hour, ask the lovers who are waiting to
meet.
• To realize the value of one second, ask the person who just avoided
a traffic accident.
• To realize the value of one millisecond, ask the person who won an
Olympic medal.
Time has a value greater than any currency. We may leave our children
the money we don’t use in our own lifetimes, but we cannot
leave them one millisecond of time.

things to say...

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 05:01:00 +0000

I have been falling behind in writing stuff on my blog for last many months.I've been dormant both online and offline.Things to say,stuff to share are piling up and I'm finding myself bound by an invisible shackle which is holding me back every time I try to break out.Maybe this is a nice way to describe my laziness.

Anyway, here is a list of things I have been up to and which I want to write more on.
There is a struggle between my dying urge to write more frequently on some things I hold close to my heart and the invisible demon within me which is pushing me into inaction.
So I don't know who will win.

Here's the list:

1. Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.At 1000+ pages this really tested my reading endurance.Not that it bored me anytime, but I had to put it aside for few days in between and turn back to re-read, to think,while I digest the ideas.I would say that it is the ideas contained in there were most thought provoking and controversial.Certainly a life changing read.

2. Holy Blood, Holy Grail

3. Prison Break season 4

4. How I met your mother reruns.

5. There will be blood.

6. No country for old men.

7. Atonement - you gotta see this movie.

8. mementos

9. Love story 1970 the movie

10. Casablanca

11. The most lucid dream I've ever had.

I don't recommend others to see these movies or read the books.I don't know why I chose these.It was simply a selection of random things which I came across in a totally random un-intended involuntary manner.

I do intend to write on at least few of these things before I lose the urge and move on to another short lived obsession.

Personal Update:Moving on to a new job which is promising and better paying than the current one.

Last salute

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:45:00 +0000

Interrupting next post to pay homage to Randy Pausch.
He died on July 25th, 2008
I pay my respect to him.He has been a great inspiration to me.I wanted to meet him in person.
(I'm sad.)
We need more people like you.

Many of you must already know him.For the un-initiated, he's the guy who gave the "last lecture"; the wildly-popular and much viewed video on the net.

A book has been released on the same:

"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."
--Randy Pausch

A lot of professors give talks titled "The Last Lecture." Professors are asked to consider their demise and to ruminate on what matters most to them. And while they speak, audiences can't help but mull the same question: What wisdom would we impart to the world if we knew it was our last chance? If we had to vanish tomorrow, what would we want as our legacy?

When Randy Pausch, a computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon, was asked to give such a lecture, he didn't have to imagine it as his last, since he had recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. But the lecture he gave--"Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams"--wasn't about dying. It was about the importance of overcoming obstacles, of enabling the dreams of others, of seizing every moment (because "time is all you have...and you may find one day that you have less than you think"). It was a summation of everything Randy had come to believe. It was about living.

why do we do what we do?

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 18:25:00 +0000

For the past four years I have been pursuing a dream.A dream that is so close to my heart that I wish not to disclose it (even)here;even in the cover of anonymity.All I have to say is that it has nothing to do with the matters of heart.

I have been oscillating through a wide range of emotions during this pursuit of mine.It has brought me much pain,despair, made me lose faith, got me depressed.........
It has also helped me in discovering myself, given me energy,hope, faith etc.It has been of a dual nature bringing me sadness and happiness all at the same time.

I became a social recluse refusing to interact with the outside world except for when it was absolutely necessary. I have just retreated into a shell.To sum it up, it has cost me substantial amount of my time and energy.

Now even though I don't have the obsession that I had in the beginning, the fire is still there burning as before.I have kept trying hard to make my dream real.On the way, I have lost patience and gave up many times.I have writhed in pain and despair and given up one day, only to pick up where I left off the next day.Even in the face of utter despair I have refused to give up.Some times I feel like a crazy man who is trying to break a stone wall with bare hands.I have visuals of myself doing that.(that's not me in the pic)

Yet I continue.

This has made me think why I haven't give up (yet).What is that inside me that has made me behave in this way. I have thought about it a lot.I would love to say that it is in my nature to not give up.I'm someone who doesn't stop no matter what.

I would love to say all that.But I would be lying.Though ego hurts, I have given up numerous times.But this one is making me more miserable than anything else I have experienced and still I' refuse to let it go.At first it was an ego thing but now I'm beginning to doubt the extent of my ego.

"A man's desire should never become his weakness" --(a rare original from your's truly.)

I think I have finally found the reason for my stubbornness.It is something very silly.I don't give up because I don't have anything else to do.I can't sit idle.As long as I can I might as well do something.This might as well be it.I need something to push me so that I can (try) push it back.With every passing moment I feel I'm losing a part of myself in this pursuit and yet ,I push on.I have nothing other that to offer.I'm starting to feel more like a machine programmed to accomplish certain task which has no emotional attachment with or any incentive to take from the outcome of the task

It's like a terminator who has no use once his mission is over.Immaterial of the outcome of the mission, once it's over he has no reason to exist.

Only difference is I want to exist (I'm not suicidal!!) and I can't exist without a reason and I'm finding a reason.

It is my attempt at finding "method to madness".

Has anyone felt the same way?

NEXT POST: too(two) depressing(a.k.a ...) - ep1

L-word

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 18:33:00 +0000

[Jenny]"Why are you so good to me?"
[Forrest]"You are my girl."

Such a simple answer.Such a difficult answer.

This is one of those "aha" moments I had.This got me thinking about the l-word.The kind of love that we see in movies and books;pure,ideal,unconditional.This question keeps popping up in my mind again and again.Does this exist?The more I think the more I'm convinced that it doesn't.

Of course Tom Hanks gets it in the movie, but that's a movie.In real life jenny would have ODed and died from drugs or gone off and screwed some rich fat guy.Heck, in real life, there is no forrest gumps around.

I can't find them in movies too.The fat guy lands the fly girl, only after thinning down and breaking up her marriage with the anti-hero.There are girly versions of the same story around too.Why can't fat chick walk off with the stud.Ok ok atleast in fantasy(a.k.a movies).

I know why.It's because that would never be called fantasy.It will become a freak show.Fantasy itself is biased in order to be called a fantasy.
It's not about fat/thin pairing i'm talking here.It's about ideal love.It's just in movies.
These days talking about the l-word makes me feel like vomiting my guts out.Unfortunately, I'm being dragged into the discussion by people around me due to some reason or other.

Let's face it.There is nothing called love.It's pure biology with some chemistry thrown in.Nature's way of keeping species alive.Why are we attracted only to the beautiful ones?Well, baby that's natural selection;Darwin in action.

"Boo-hoo you are an ass", you may say."My parents love me."
Well, it's the closest you can get to defining love.But then again, I say it's not pure love altogether.It's a form of possessive love, which comes due to the fact that they see you as an extension of themselves.Darwin would have said, it's a trick, again played by nature to protect the fresh(as in young) genes.Hence parents have that urge to sacrifice for the welfare of their offspring.It's in the DNA silly.

"Naa na na Naa na. You're wrong again.God loves me", you say.Well, I'm not an atheist.I haven't completely bought out the big bang theory yet.Still I question his existence.At best I can say I'm in the process of finding HIM.And when I do, for all of our sakes, i will sure pop this question to him.

Call me a pessimist,I don't care.I say I'm an idealist.(Too much of Ayn Rand-ism in acti0n here.)
We are scared of asking tough questions.We are scared of truth.Truth is rotten and we are afraid of catching the smell if we ever discover it.

Till then we have all the peter parkers and MJ's keeping us company and keeping the stench out.
Why do you think all the great love stories are tragedies?Because if someone ever dared to live happily ever after, then there wouldn't be a happily ever-after.There would only be nasty divorces and what not.

L-word eludes me.

SMIS (Shit man it's sunday.)

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 17:10:00 +0000

This is my version of TGIF.

I am awake.It's still very early in the morning.I'm feeling very happy and relaxed.I just had a dream.It was one of those dreams which I can't quite recollect, but has left me with a sense of joy, and i can't quite put my finger down to point the exact reason of my joy.

I'm mildly irritated that my dream is cut short by a gentle caress on the back of my neck.I roll around to find the cause of it.I see the baby sleeping peacefully at the other end of the bed.I lay there admiring the sight that lay before me.It's so beautiful to see a baby and that too when it's asleep; it's almost a heavenly sight.The baby is far off,in fact dangerously close to the edge of the bed.It couldn't have been the baby which had brushed my neck.While still cursing the mother for letting the baby unattended, I wonder if it was her who had interrupted my dream.I can't find her anywhere.I sit up and stay there for few minutes.Still not completely lucid, I feel that some thing's not right.The feeling is not very strong and I'm not sure if I'm up or still inside a dream.

I turn on the light in order to check upon the baby.As i turn to reach out to it, I realize it all.There's no baby there.It's just a pile of clothes.Suddenly I feel a sense of reality.Now I'm completely awake.There's no baby because THERE IS NO BABY.I don't have one.Nor is there any mother of the baby.I'm still not married nor have any steady girl.Certainly not steady enough to have a baby together.I'm single for god sakes.

I'm still sitting up.Lights are on.I'm wondering what to do next.All the time still angry, don't know at whom for getting up from my sleep.The gentle brush on my neck feels real although I'm beginning to doubt my mind.I finally decide to get back to sleep still wondering about the whole ordeal.It's like one of the moments where the distinction between reality and the imaginary is blurred.I re-organize my pillows trying to find that elusive comfort position to settle into.As I'm at it, I discover to my horror the real culprit that got me awake.

It's a Rat!!! aaaw.Yuck.It's hiding in between the pillows.It must have been the one trying to bite my neck.Any last traces of sleep/drowsiness is finally gone.I give out a high-pitched squeal.It's enough to make the neighborer's baby cry but clearly not potent enough to wake up my folks who always complain that they hardly get sound sleep at nights.I scream again and again trying my best not to blow my throat out of the mouth.After the third attempt my dad wakes up and we both team up and wage a battle against the little fella.After five long long minutes and against a formidable enemy, against all odds, the enemy is overpowered,killed. We throw the poor (dead)soul out into the thrash.Dad goes back to sleep as if nothing's happened.I can't sleep anymore.Not on that bed at least.I change the sheets and pillow covers, not before vacuuming them all before putting the new ones.I take bath.How can I not?

I'm bored now.I flip through the TV channels to find anything interesting,still thinking about the poor guy whose life I have ended mercilessly.I see the time.It's 5.30 Sunday morning.And so begins my Sunday.AAaah Sundays used to be soooo relaxing.
(Relaxing my ass.SMIS)

--despo.

and so it begins.............(v.2008)

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 18:41:00 +0000

Actually it began about 6 weeks ago.
But for me it has taken this long to catch a breath and write my first post of the new year.
The 2 weeks before the new year and the new yr till now (8 weeks total) has been nothing short of roller coaster ride for me both emotionally and physically.
And now I'm completely drained and hence the urge to blog.

Events in my life till now(the last 8 weeks):
1.turned 25 last nov.
2.i'm feeling my age.
3.I was overlooked for promotion in my office.Pride hurts.The other losers got it.
4.In a fit of rage, I resigned and found a new job.They don't deserve me.
5.They tried to stop me after I quit.But damage had been done.Words were spoken.Decisions were made which certainly wasn't re-considered.I preferred to exit on my terms rather than being kicked out in future.
6.New year came.
7.I saw 2 crappy movies on new year's eve.Grrrr
8.Met with an accident on new year.No broken bones.Still a shitty beginning for the year.Of all the days should iit be Jan 1st.C'mmonnnn.Is someone even listening up there.
9.Connected with my parents on a deeper level.I never imagined this would be possible.
10.New job.Increased pay(==Increased work.)
11.I love my new job completely.
12.Only problem is i'm coming home once in 2 days.I'm working 24hrs straight with 8-10 hrs off in between for last 2 weeks.I'm not exaggerating.
13.Long hours and caffeine combined with my already sad existence is pushing me into emotional and physical exhaustion.Barely hanging in there.

The silver lining is that i will be getting a break of a week soon.
Heard that my previous employer hired three people to fill the void created by my exit.
Should I be happy??I don't know.
One thing's for sure.Life comes around full circle.
Only question is do you have enough patience and faith to hang in there till it does?
I used to have it in great supply b4.Now a days I feel like I'm running out of it.

--despo.
(and apologies for a long absence.)

Live in the moment.

lifelogging@gmail.com (DESPERADO) — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 18:00:00 +0000

Here is a saying which has been overdone these days: "Live your life in the moment".I came across a nice take on this saying,which gives it a different and beautiful dimension altogether.

People across the spectrum have had their share of people, familial or romantic ones,good and bad ones,bitter and worse ones, which have left us question the very basics of human bonding and relationships.Are they good or bad?Is they even worth the pain?DO I deserve it?
The problem can be that the person is bad.But most of the times we are reluctant to realize or to concede that some error is on our part also.By agreeing, it hurts us where it matters the most:pride;and we are too proud of ourselves.

Learning to "Live in the moment" will enable us to avoid the pain and suffering.
By that I mean, we have to learn to look at the person "in the moment".
When you look at someone in the moment,you are totally in the present.There is no past or future.There are no pains of the past, or expectations of future, from this person.Then we begin to appreciate the person for what he is and there is a "wow" every single time you see him.Every look brings in a "wow", a rush of joy,that beautiful feeling which we all long for, but which no longer exists.
That "wow" which we saw in him/her when we first laid eyes on that person;
that "wow" we felt at during the many,many first moments enjoyed in their company;
that "wow" which depressingly eludes us needs to be discovered which is possible only by learning to "Live in the moment".
Be "wow"ed every time you see the person.Be "wow"ed by seeing the GOD in them.Just be "wow"ed.
Disclaimer:"This holds true not only for romantic,but also for all kinds of relationships.Please don't try this on weirdos,serial killers,psychos.........(you know the drill)Your safety is in your hands and it matters."

There's another meaning to the "Live in the moment" mantra.
To live in the moment also means to see in the moment.
We, on the basis of our culture,background,education,etc etc, have developed a vision which is a biased interpretation of reality,of our pure sight.We continue to see the world around us through this narrow sight.Whatever we see,what all we see, is only through this narrow vision and seeing more will not help.It's the way we see,perceive stuff that should change; and not what we see.
There are two types of distorted vision here:the invisible vision and the logical vision.

Invisible vision(more suitably un-visible vision) means seeing that which is not there.It means we are in a reality, rather in an illusion built by us, and we presume it to be real.In essence we see that which is not there.It's a lie which we have built around us and we are not even aware of it and all our cognition is based on that lie.

Logical vision is the more dangerous of the two.I would like to call the educated vision.In this, we see things and analyze them logically, based on our "wisdom".Most of us ,the so called"educated" people are prone to this hazard.The problem with logic is logic.What is logic?Logic is a build up of arguments,principles,inferences starting with a idea/assumption.If the foundation is wrong, logic simply becomes an extension of our own ego/self.

If invisible vision is matrix,logical vision is a matrix inside the matrix inside the matrix.......

To live in the moment is not to live lives aimless, promiscuously, and careless.It is to live now.To be alive NOW.That's the real meaning.NOW,right now.

"Wisdom should not be confused with theoretical learning or correct beliefs, for ignorance is not intellectual error. It is spiritual blindness."
--this beautiful quote is shamelessly lifted from here