PressingThoughts

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noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 10:03:00 +0000

These days I'm going through a lot.Any amount of shameless self pity isn't helping either.My self-esteem is at an all-time low and I'm finding it hard to cope with it.I guess every one goes through a phase like this in their lives.Some emerge stronger while others are reduced to a weaker version of their former selves.My state is best described by the Bryan Adams's song: "Right now I feel, like a leaf on a breeze.Who knows where it's going? I find somewhere I never thought I'd be.Going around in circles...".I'm lost.

Hello there

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 01:55:00 +0000

I'm finally back.Still not strong enough though.I have been struggling for the past many months and finally am in a postion to beign some sort of thought process.I don't have anything more to say for now and I'm hoping for a better tomorrow.I miss my life.

Anatomy of connections....

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 13:55:00 +0000

Life's full of contradictions and paradoxes.Connections being broken, hearts repaired, ties severed.....

My sister and myself never connected at all while growing up for no apparent reason.It was just that way.Today, she sought me.Being in what was a dark place, she desperately wanted someone.She chose me to be 'that' someone and I will remain thankful to her for doing that.I was there for her even while not being there(We are far away).We just talked unlike ever.We both felt better.She got some much needed relief and soul talk.I got to keep a sister.We just connected and discovered the bond which I never knew existed.She got to feel little better and less bitter.By listening to her, I have fewer demons to deal with.Well, I think that's karma paying back in fast-food style.I know this is really a big moment; not because I know that now, but will realize, years later, when I'm brave enough to look back, in search of something beautiful.It will be remembered.

Connections:Now Open

On the other hand,I literally couldn't connect to my sweetheart 5000 miles away even though we both were desperate to.That's techno-karma(bad internet) paying me back, again in fast food style, for all the buggy code I must have written(ssshhhhh)!
Too bad.!

It's amazing.

Tough times

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Mon, 23 May 2011 02:16:00 +0000

It's been a tough time as some(well few) of them who frequent me have noted.I can't remember having cribbed this much and this long in my entire life(yet).

So, the main problem is coming out of my perception of people's expectation towards me.While I know that the perception is playing more tricks on my mind than there is, I still know that there are some expectations which are valid.

What is not valid or acceptable to me is the way I'm dealing with it.I've dealt with it badly and failed to live up to the high standards I've set myself.This is frustrating.

I also came to know one thing yesterday.People are far weaker than I give them credit to and this is actually bad.Because sometimes I tend to stretch matters too far than the person can take it and I end up hurting them which is not productive for me.Eventually people will start hating me or develop a bad taste for me.Even though I'm not worried about what other people (wrongly) think of me, I certainly not am arrogant.Well, I'm arrogant enough, but I make it extra sure not to display it around.

Arrogance like ego is good when used in ways which are not self-destructive.It is my arrogance which has given me the courage to make tough choices in life and see it through.It is my arrogance of thinking that I'm different and better than most has made me that or at least taken me through an interesting journey which I'm proud of.Yet I never want to rub my arrogance off to others and want to take great care in that sense.

The problem as put across by my friend is, As we become more and more practical we become less and less human.I am very practical and refuse to live in a dream world.I'm very independent and less interdependent.While it is very good for personal development, I find it difficult for relationships.This has been the complaint of people around me.But I can't help.People get set in their ways and it is difficult to change.Change is possible, also inevitable.Yet it is painful.Change or it's possibility brings lots of insecurities to the surface.People still resist it.I consider myself pretty flexible and adapting, but sometimes and especially for some things, it becomes very personal and egoistical to accept.

Still fighting.......
Desp

This is sounding stupid..

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Fri, 06 May 2011 04:54:00 +0000

...but here it goes.
I'm finding lack of time (or lack of respect for time??) as the root of all my bane(s).
Well, I'm attracting negativity and boo-hoo's by saying it loud.Maybe that's what I really am: A lazy bum.

But, dwelling on that thought further, I feel that I'm not (completely) lazy.I seem to find(put) myself in situations where either I'm too bust or too empty(Nothing to do with bowel movements!).

This alternating bursts of nothingness and full-steam is causing too much agony.I hate it.
Life is happening and I'm not able to take it in completely.

Maybe it IS stupid.

Let the healing begin.....

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 10:07:00 +0000

Dear desperado,

You have known that this is going to happen all along.But still, when it actually happened, you look as surprised as a deer caught unawares by the headlight of an oncoming vehicle.
The deer didn't knew it was stepping into a freeway;you knew;you KNOW.

It was a difficult and important decision, which you took.I admire you for that.Not many have the courage to even take this step.You had to separate from everything and everyone who were close to you.You knew that.It was going to be painful.It is still painful.It's just that you are experiencing what you actually imagined.That's the difference between fantasy and reality.I would like to quote one of my favorites from TV in this difficult moment of yours(Michael Scofield): "Preparation can only take you so far.After that you need a few leaps of faith".

This is just the beginning.At the first signs of failure, you are terrified and want to run away somewhere safe.Well, it was your choice.It is your battle battle.Battle has began.It was your choice to fight this battle and now you can't give up even as it's just beginning.

I know that there will be failures,setbacks before some relief sets in.But you have to face it.You have to face it head-on and overcome it.Only then, you will earn respect from the most important person in your life: YOU. Unless you respect yourself, anything you achieve will be nothing because whatever you do, it won't be good enough, unless you can look straight into the person staring back at you from the other side of the mirror and say: I AM.

So, don't be afraid.Get ready to fight and emerge.Things get worse before they get better.
"Move along, move along just to make it through."--AAR

Love and always,
Desperado

down and out.

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 04:24:00 +0000

I've been following this pattern of blogging when I'm, well.... down and out.I have hardly blogged, visited my blog friends or even logged on.The same was the case last year too.Only difference is, last year I was super busy and this year I'm super free!
But still I've still turned my back to life.I simply don't find the energy in my self.I'm ashamed of myself.The worst thing is I'm not the kind of person who gives up.So I'm always trying to do things that enable me to get out of this state.I'm doing it as if my very life depends on it.(it does actually.)But something inside me is broken and refusing to budge.But I'm beginning to suspect that my fatigue is not physical by its an emotional one.

I left my job and took a break from the madness that was threatening to consume me.I married a wonderful girl who supports me in all my decisions.I packed up and left my everything behind: wife, my folks, job, friends to take some time off; to just blow off the steam.I'm well rested now and ready to get back into the rat race in a new country among new people.I miss my people.I miss my blogging days, my online friends.
I'm trying my best to cope with it.Best thing is to keep my self busy.

Is it me or has blogging become so 90's??
Twitter ahoy! Tweet...tweet.

Wassup.......

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 06:17:00 +0000

Ya wassup?

Well,
1.2010 passed by and I didn't even notice.
2.No "me" time.
3.Late nights @work,business trips,bad food,too much caffeine,reduced immunity,acidity,chronic fatigue........recipe for disaster
4.More work.
5.No time to blog or read a book.
6.More work.
7.Impending burnout.
8......

What else????
Oh yeah I managed to get married in between all these mess.

2011.......the fight goes on........

Saved....?

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 18:58:00 +0000

Recently I missed certain death by just an hour.
I don't know whether I should thank my angels or not.think I should thank.Live today.Die another day.
I value life a (little bit) more.

crawling...

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 20:13:00 +0000

Every breath is an effort .......an effort wasted in the hope that the next one is going to be better.
What do you do?
Become cynical?
Turn to spirituality?
Madness perhaps?
What do you do when all you have to do is to keep going on while you are barely able to stand.Crawl...??
What do you do when giving up isn't that scary.
What do you do?
It may be ok with everyone.No one expects you to take another step.You've already come miles.
What do you do?
Is it ok with you?
Will you be able to live with that?
Are you able to face yourself in front of a mirror?
Is the person in the mirror alive?

what to do when going gets hard?
What you do will define you forever as a person.

Lately, going's been tough and giving up and settling into the comforts of my shell appears attractive.

Let's see......who wins.
Round 1 ................goes on.......

Mortal love

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 11:35:00 +0000

"We have touched for the last time
You are long gone, in love with someone else
I now fear nothing but life itself
And I have learned that living is just a slow way to die
I do not believe in life or in love anymore.
The joy I feel are the joys of emptiness
I hate myself for loving you
The fear I feel night after night has developed into a disease
No-one can see the emptiness in my eyes.
To escape life itself now seems the only solution
With relief i look forward of letting go of the pain
Finally... there is peace in my soul
To lie dead without a concern , without a tear,
You own my heart and life without you is so immensly painful
Just to think of you, talk about you, dream of you makes tears stream down my face.
I cannot imagine happiness without your beautiful smile, your angelic face,
your wonderful body and your good heart.
You are everything , I am nothing.
I want to die
But really... I am already dead"

--Mortal love.

you know your life sucks......

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 08:11:00 +0000

.........when you have spent two days in vegas and haven't even hit the slot machines(forget the boobies) and ....you actually are blogging about it.

Shit happens.(But you got to make time to actually do it!)

It ain't over .........

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 19:11:00 +0000

....and I'm not done yet.

An interview with cruel virgin

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 03:14:00 +0000

Cruel Virgin was kind enough to answer some questions I had for her.

Why blog?

At first it was a way for me to work out ideas for my job. Then it became a way for me to work out my identity. Right now, I don't know if I much more to say.

What makes cruel virgin blog more: joy or sadness?

Sadness, but I am trying to resist that as it is too personal.

3 things you love about Cruel Virgin?

Well, I like that I can be a smart ass, I like that people take my ideas seriously even if they disagree, and I like the community that CV has formed.

3 things you hate about Cruel Virgin?

I often feel obligated to blog when I have nothing to say, I've gotten a lot of trolls and I ended up losing friendships--not because of my blog but because my blog put me in touch with people that caused me a lot of pain.

3 things about yourself that Cruel Virgin (blogging) helped you to discover?

I am spiritual but not religious, we really are all connected in a metaphysical way, and I need to resist the temptation to rant as some people get hurt which I never intend.

3 all-time favorite books

The Iliad, Lord of the Rings, The Brothers Karamazov

3 all-time favorite moives

The Godfather, The Seventh Seal, All About My Mother

3 people Cruel Virgin likes from blog world.

Walking Man, SJ, Ricardo

Most memorable comment cruel virgin has ever made/got.

One blogger who was a cowboy (for real) told me that he thought I was a lot like a steer he had to rope to get to the vet--he said: You would be hard to handle. I answered: Cowboy, you have no idea. His reply: Angel, I have somewhat of one. That exchange just blew me away!

Cruel virgin's best post (till date), according to you.
Toss up: My series on Bartending and my series on I See Dead People.

Finally, what do you value most:love or freedom?

I can't live in a world without love

Are you lucky enough?

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 18:53:00 +0000

I have been meaning to explore this thought of mine for quite sometime.Finally, my friend mentioned the same thing which I have been pondering for quite sometime and this made me post it.

I have been stuck on this problem(software bug) at work like forever(2 months).It's really painful to get stuck and not go anywhere.It was very critical that it was to be solved and there was tremondous pressure on me.Not wanting to give up, more out of ego and less to do with conviction, I pushed on, constantly trying out different methods to solve it.Things seemed to get better before getting worse and it was utterly disappointing.I was completely exhausted and fatigued and showing signs of PTSD(to some extent).I finally got a lucky break and fixed it(I wouldn't be here posting if I hadn't!!)

My friend said something, which I suspect, I had known for long: It's hard work that brings luck.Well in my case, I had to get hopeless and miserable before striking luck.

All along this has been my experience whenever I find myself in similar situations (work or otherwise).Never been lucky in the true sense.

I want to know if others had similar experiences?

Were you lucky enough to be lucky?

and it keeps happening...

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 18:12:00 +0000

I see her and it's that old feeling all over again.This time though I don't let myself go blind in love.I let the thought indulge me for some more time being careful not to indulge it.It's not the first time and I'm not a fool any more.Just can't afford to feel things.

I turn off the light and go to sleep hoping there will be less of heartache the next day.
We all dream of things,stuff in life.What do you do when reality hits you?What can you do?How do you deal with disappointment?

I'm wiser nowadays(at least I think so.).I'm not getting bothered by stuff that used to keep me off sleep before.

But I don't know what scares me more:my happiness or fear of realizing sometime in future that I wasn't really happy in the first place to begin with.

Fuck that.I'm fine now.

Aftermath.

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Sun, 24 May 2009 17:28:00 +0000

I would like to put down on black and white, how I feel so that I can come back and read it when I want to remember this moment.

Here I go:

1.Death of someone close for the first time in my adult life.Though I have memories of other similar incidents, this is the one which I will remember vividly for a long time to come.

2.I don't know whether I'm in pain or not.Maybe I'm shamelessly exploiting myself to get some blog mileage.

3.I fear that I may not feel anything anymore.

Though I was not that close with my granddad during the later years,I have fond childhood memories of him.I just drifted away once I started off with my own life(what a cliché).Still, whenever we met we had meaningful conversations.Somewhere deep down I know that I was his favorite, even though it was never explicitly mentioned.

I have been fighting battles of my own, during all these years and grew apart and away from all people around me;grandpa included.This makes the pain a tad bit more painful.I was told by my folks, just few days before his departure to pay him a visit since the end was expected.I was so consumed by my own problems that I preferred to lay in the comfort of my own misery.Later when it was over, I got the guts to see his face only the day after.I just wanted to run away from all of it.

Still,remembering him, I'm happy that he has left a lot for me learn and cherish from the way he lived his life.I don't want to go down the "my- grandpa-is-the-best" road.I only wish to say that he lived a simple life with simple needs and desires and a great attitude and positive outlook.Maybe we celebrate people better once they die.I don't know.

Though there is a guilt part in me, I very much want to be happy and look forward positively, more than ever;thanks to him.

I actually wanted to post a photo something similar to my last post,but I realize that being unhappy is just not worth it.

Don't waste your time.

Love and only love,
desp

The whole universe conspires....

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Wed, 13 May 2009 18:34:00 +0000

..to screw you.

Goodbye grandpa.You will always be in my heart.

I'm feeling guilty,sad and angry.

help wanted

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Sat, 09 May 2009 07:32:00 +0000

I have decided to change the name of my blog/profile name.
I request you all to suggest some good names based on the type of person you think I'am or on the type of stuff I write.
If I get interesting responses I will probably put up a poll among the best to decide which one.

love,
despo

Useful advice in unlikely places.

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 03:09:00 +0000

I'm reading a book called:
Code Complete: A Practical Handbook of Software Construction

It's a book on software construction.It's a sort of good bedtime read.I came across a chapter called "Personal character" .

Baffled, I returned to the front cover to make sure I'm reading code complete: a book on software construction.I was surprised to see a chapter dedicated to the human nature in a book on software.Curious,I continued to read on.

The author argues that it is not intelligence but personal character and values which makes one a good programmer or keeps him a good programmer.I discovered spiritual advice in the most unlikely place.I will try to capture the essence of that one chapter here which applies to everyone.

Excerpts:
Engineers in every discipline learn the limits of the tools and materials they work with.If you are an electrical engineer, you know the conductivity.......... ......If you are a software engineer, your basic building material is human intellect and your primary tool is you.

..................... ....The whole job of programming is building air castles-it;s one of the most purely mental activities you can do.Consequently, when software engineers study the essential properties of their tools and raw materials, they find that they're studying people-intellect,character, and other attributes that are less tangible than wood, concrete, and steel.

He goes on to answer the question he poses- Isn't personal character off topic? The intense inwardness of programming makes personal character especially important.You know how difficult it is to put in eight concentrated hours in one day....had the experience of being burned out one day from concentrating too hard the day before..........days on which you have worked well from 8am to 2 pm and then felt like quitting..you didn't quit though....you pushed on.......and then spent the rest of week fixing what you wrote from 2 to 5.

Your employer can't force you to be a good programmer.(God can't force you to be good.) A lot of times your employer isn't even in a position to judge.......If you want to be great,you're responsible for making yourself great.It's a matter of your personal character.

......You can't do anything about your intelligence, so the classical wisdom goes,but you can do something about your character.It turns out that character is more decisive factor in the makeup of a superior programmer.

"We become authorities and experts in the practical and scientific spheres by so many separate acts and hours of work.If a person keeps faithfully busy each hour of the working day,he can count on waking up some morning to find himself one of the competent ones of his generation"--William James.

Necessary qualities:
Intelligence and humility.
Curiosity.
Intellectual honesty.

-Refusing to pretend you're an expert when you're not.
-Readily admitting your mistakes.

Creativity and discipline.

Laziness:Laziness manifests itself in several ways:

--deferring an unpleasant task.
--Doing an unpleasant task quickly to get it out of the way.
--writing a tool to do the unpleasant task so that you never have to do the task again.

Good character is mainly a matter of having the right habits.To be a great programmer,develop the right habits,and the rest will come naturally.

"Any fool can defend his or her mistakes-and most fools do"--Dale Carnegie.

I always wondered why I asked the questions I used to ask.Reading this chapter of the book brought me little closer to the answer of this question.
Author goes on to mention that programming is one of the purest form of mental activity one can go through.(like other art forms,I guess.)To be able to do this day in and day out I need to have a clear and clean mind and this made me to start asking questions whose answers I need to make me happy.

The reverse is also true.I have come across bad programmers who are almost always bad people(i.e bad habits or bad ethics or just bad.)

love,
despo

PS:This is in no way intended to glorify the profession of software engineering or demean other profession.The word software engineer/programmer can be in most cases replaced with human being in this article.Hence I shared it.

In order to attain anything in this world, you first have to relinquish your attachment to it.

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 14:46:00 +0000

I came across a very good story of sorts recently and I wish to put it down here.

There was a group of monks returning to their abode inside the forest.The group comprised of a guru and his followers.It was a rainy season and they came across a river which was flowing very rapid.It was difficult and dangerous to cross.They saw a very pretty woman who was trying to cross but was unable to.Her clothes were wet and it was doing a poor job of concealing her beauty.

One of the disciples offered help and carried her across the river.Other disciples were shocked since it was forbidden to even think about women.Touching was almost criminal.These monks were supposed to be free from any worldly desires and kama.So they kept discussing about the fellow monk's action and when they reached their home, one of them asked the guru about this.

Guru had only one thing to say,"He carried her only across the river.But you are still carrying her."

Wow!!

Personal update:
I hate this since I don't want to bore people with my shit.But sometimes, it's just too much.
Working my ass off and hardly have time to spare.
Some things are not working out as expected.
Generally sad and hating every moment of it.

comment gone good

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 15:04:00 +0000

I just wrote a comment on a wonderful post:one dream from dcrelief.
Thought that this would qualify as a post in itself.

It's so amazing to see how words from total strangers have the power to heal and give courage.

There is no reason which I can think of as to why it is so.I just know that it's a wonderful feeling.

On second thought we all are not strangers after all.We just haven't 'met' each other the way world means it.

But then again who cares?Some of the best people I know are the ones who visit my blog and ones whose blogs I visit.

What you shouldn't do.

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 19:05:00 +0000

I'll tell you what you shouldn't do if you are remotely entertaining the possibility of getting married:
1. Watch revolutionary road.
2. Watch the last kiss the next day.

Make your kids watch it early in life (if u manage to have kids after these movies) if you don't want your DNA to be passed down and help with the population problem.

They portray depressing and bleak picture of the future everyone dreams of.

Emotion is a bitch

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 03:17:00 +0000

"I tried so hard and got so far,in the end it doesn't even matter.... "

I'm convinced that emotion if not a disease, at least is a metal disorder of some kind.Has nobody found a cure yet?At least recognise it as a disorder please.

I've been very busy lately and have very little 'me' time.It's been a crazy ride and doesn't look like it will end any time soon.

One more defeat and disappointment in my on-going attempt and I'm getting to a point of not feeling anything any more.

Apart from this one aspect of life,things have actually bettered and I have been less grateful to God for it.Maybe it's because I'm not getting what I want even though what I'm getting is not that bad.

I hate failures and set very high criteria for success.So whenever there is a set back,it always reminds me of my first 'real' failure.

It was a girl whom I loved and I lost her forever.Maybe someday I can find enough courage to blog about that.Whenever there is a failed attempt at something,it always reminds me of that one thing and keeps me sad for days.

photo.

Presently, I'm sure I wouldn't have loved her as much as I do now if she were with me and I'm starting to suspect it was just an attraction.First love still is special and the pain factor remains.

Problem is now I don't know why I have to be sad and I'm laughing at my stupidity.I'm beginning to believe that God has programmed us to be miserable.We always manage to find some reason to be unhappy.

photo

Emotion is a bitch.
--despo

"Power of friends. (part 2)"

noreply@blogger.com (DESPERADO) — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 17:59:00 +0000

have decided not to post the actual transcript of the conversation that went on between my friend and me.
Felt too personal.

Mood:not happy.