Parenting For Singles

Struggling to Co-parent as a Team

2013-05-23T14:41:00.001-06:00

I’m sure there are divorced parents who figure out a way over time to make it work for the kids. No one would argue it’s best to find a good working balance with your ex for the benefit of the children. These situations do exist, however divorce doesn’t exactly promote popular renewed relationships- ones in which the parents start to work together and find harmony after the fact. Divorce takes time for emotions to heal, adjusting to new roles, and parents to get over themselves.

For the most common circumstances immediately after divorce, parents are just struggling to find themselves and learn new roles/responsibilities. For those who have been through divorce, either as an adult or child, it’s hard to imagine team parenting after the breakup. It's more beneficial for both parents to identify a reasonable and practical equilibrium where decisions are not made to impact or affect the other household. Legal and physical custody issues aside, lets admit it’s a challenge right out of the gate and few find or work towards compromises.

It’s fair to mention, unfortunately there’s more energy displaced from both parents positioning them selves in the newly formed and ever-changing relationship. Moving forward in life while coping and dealing with divorce affairs may bleed into issues around the children when we are just trying to console ourselves. How these types of concerns or issues play out can be influenced by how time with the children is split between the parents, in my opinion.

If parenting time is divided more evenly week to week, then parents share the same dynamics and therefore the responsibilities with the children and both parents are expected to play out similar roles- tasks may be more evenly expressed in terms of regimented and structured activity in the home, etc. In these cases, team playing between parents is more accessible. However, I can also see how different issues present new challenges in this scenario.

By virtue of a weekday/weekend-parenting dynamic, there are two different objectives at play here that don’t merge. It’s challenging to compare or expect one parent to empathize with the other in this scenario. Obviously it wouldn’t be wise for the "weekend" parent to spite the other parent by purposely unraveling the kid’s schedules, changing dietary habits (read junk food), or becoming the ubiquitous “Disney Parent” creating spoils that will be more contentious in the eyes of the "weekday" parent. Forming inconsistent habits has less benefit to the children and these types of actions create more harm in the long run if you think about it.

By the way, alternating weekends only causes more problems with zero benefits altogether and I would not recommend this parenting time dynamic mainly for the sake of the children- the parent subjected to twice a month visitation only then becomes just that, a visitor. That’s not going to help anyone involved and especially the children. Not only does this dynamic promote the concerns immediately above, it severs relationships.

Regardless of what parenting-time dynamics are in play, the ideal objective to reach for co-parents is forming respectful bonds in the eyes of the children. After all the kids most likely didn’t ask for the divorce. The closest you can get to this ideal the better for everyone. We don’t have to agree with one another, but we want our children to be happy and we should want them to be so, wherever they are, including the other parent’s home.

Post divorce parenting time dynamics aren’t complicated, but depending on which parenting time is agreed upon may make it challenging for the other. The weekday parent doesn't appreciate the "bad guy" label for keeping kids disciplined to structured tasks. On the other side of the coin, the weekend parent is paying for it in other ways. This parent has less time and misses their kids all week and then tries to make up for it on weekends. If spoils are incorporated and discipline is lacking or completely thrown out the window, then this will be counter-productive to the kid’s weekday schedule and may be viewed as spiteful no matter who is looking on.

Stay consistent on weekends in as many ways as possible, for example when it comes to dinner and bedtime, but this doesn’t mean there can’t be fun. It certainly doesn’t mean you can’t maximize your time with the children by travelling, exploring, developing rituals and bonding in ways that are meaningful. The weekday parent may have to be more creative for rituals and bonding, with less, based on daily requirements to keep the children on schedule. Optimizing vs. maximizing time is this parent’s key to developing what’s important with the children when it comes to enjoying and keeping quality time together.

For the weekday parent, resentment will undoubtedly creep in with how the weekend parent doesn’t manage more similar regimented activities. Creating vast differences in discipline, eating habits, and sleeping habits, for example, doesn’t support the children in either case. More consistency in these areas supports your child’s healthy and emotional development. More, neither parent would want to facilitate an atmosphere that allows the children to manipulate the system and pit one parent off the other. As the weekend parent, respect the importance of keeping the kids on track during school time, daycare, homework, bath time, etc. Children take time to adjust between varying environments and even households.

Yes the one with more custody usually gets, in addition to a fulltime job, all the extra work that comes with getting kids to school, pickups, homework, etc. No one really gets “stuck” with any role if you think about it. Sifting through the challenges and finding bright spots and opportunity, whether its with optimizing or maximizing time with children, may just take a little nerve and creativity in addition to consistency, but the long-term benefits support the overall co-parenting team dynamic. Both parties should at least agree here.

How do you approach co-parenting?

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a divorced single dad, rebuilding coach and Author of Parenting After Divorce: Rebuilding Your Life And Reaffirming the Relationships that Matter (2013), speaker, court appointed child advocate, mediator, and expert helping families professionally in parenting, family, relationship and life changes. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

Copyright © 2013 Bruce Buccio

Co-parenting with a Difficult Ex Effectively

2013-05-13T12:32:00.000-06:00

Children who must face ongoing fighting and conflict between their parents while they also endure the changes prompted by their parents’ separation or divorce would struggle more with anxiety and depression. Moreover, children who cope with an absent parent as a result of divorce have more behavioral issues. Its best to find a working balance with your ex—provided they are not a menacing or damaging aspect to your child’s life.

Here are ways to identify a difficult ex:

Opposes any decisions or suggestions you make

Actively diminish the influence you may have on parenting decisions by making important decisions without collaboration

Needs to constantly compete and win against you

Acts out defiantly against you by inappropriately using the children as a vice

Manipulates the children to love them more than you

Talks negatively about you in front of the children.

Seven significant ways to effectively co-parent with a difficult ex:

1. Know your boundaries. All communication with your ex should remain about your children. Set limits for how your ex responds to you during co-parenting, and how decisions are made for the children.

2. Enforce your boundaries. Stick to your comprehensive separation agreement, divorce decree, and parenting plan.

3. Defer to Mediation or law counselor for uncompromising or legal related issues.

4. Document and use legal documentation. Learn and understand what is admissible in court.

5. Move on. You cannot and do not want to control the other parent and what is going on in other household. On the other hand, inspire.

6. Inspire. Be a positive role model and influence for your children through your own example. This will benefit your children more than engaging in competition with your ex spouse. This mindset is healthier and more effective than trying to figure out and counterbalance the type of parent your ex is being.

7. Focus on the Children. Overall, you cannot bargain with someone who treats you like the enemy. When dealing with a difficult co-parent, the best interest of the children should stay the center of focus.

Four vital ways to manage emotions through a growing conflict:

1. Find empathy. Whether you turn to therapy, family, friends, spiritual leaders, a combination of these, or something entirely different that helps you find your way, it is critical that you reach out and allow yourself to be supported during this adjusting period.

2. Look for distress signs. If you begin to notice some differences in behavior or emotion in yourself or your children (including a lack of emotional expression or withdrawal), somatic complaints (e.g., headaches, stomachaches, sleep difficulties), or other changes, it would be wise to reexamine the level of tension and conflict. Rather than chalk it up to the divorce with hopes everyone will adjust and time will heal, re-engage your child—your spoken words are essential to keep your child caught up and involved. If it’s challenging to come up with the right questions and associated resolve, develop a new platform in your relationship. Find an outlook that will distract them- connecting in a new setting will help on their terms with hopes in time they will share their feelings openly on the matter.

3. Boost your esteem. By being sympathetic and non-judgmental to not only yourself and others, you are able to avoid both harsh self-criticism and a potentially fragile self-enhancement. Showing self-compassion will help the most—a sort of antitoxin to the soul. Think about positive aspects: Positive distractions support nice memories and Self-compassion fosters kindness without evaluating or judging.

4. Recognize unresolved feelings. If you are struggling or coping with any anxiety over the breakup or having new relationship issues, it is time to forge new strategies and concepts, where your children really become the primary focus. If you are focused instead on keeping score, denying your co-parent’s requests because you don’t want them to get their way, or caught up in regular arguments, go back to #1.

For readers interested in learning more about children’s needs during this period, I recommend Gary Neuman’s “Sandcastles” book. Another resource is “Mom’s House, Dad’s House” by Isolina Ricci. This book has a supportive approach on the grown-up stuff moving through separation, divorce and effective co-parenting. Naturally, I would recommend my own book, “Parenting After Divorce: Rebuilding Your Life and Reaffirming the Relationships that Matter.” I portray the strategies, philosophies and concepts that helped in my family’s success getting past the bumps and therefore the trials of divorce, while coping with an adversarial co-parent.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is Single Dad, Rebuilding Coach and Expert, Mediator, and Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

Copyright © 2013 Bruce Buccio

Coping with Visitation Through a Separation/ Divorce Agreement

2013-03-13T11:08:00.000-06:00

My adult children l-r: Cassie, Therese, Sammy, and Valerie

When divorce becomes reality, parents are faced with numerous unexpected challenges. Splitting apart a family into separate households tests our stamina--only to learn later the real ordeal begins.

One thing I hear more often with recently, adjusting, single dads is visitation rights every other weekend. As soon as I hear, "...visitation every two weeks…," I cringe. This will only create conflict in the hearts of men and their children.

My own observations, from experience and history, are parents cannot be a measurable difference in a child’s life when connecting only twice a month. In fact, you want shared custody as even and equal to your partner as possible. This will make a considerable difference in your lives together immediately. Having a father in the picture changes the outlook and life of a child. Children who have two participating parents and active father have fewer behavioral problems whether the parents are together or not.

Second, there is no room for flexibility. It sounds counter
productive though it's really the best practice in the long run. What I am referring to is with schedules after the agreement. Set the tone right away by executing parameters exactly as specified in the separation agreement, parenting-plan, or decree.

This period is already often very confusing for every one involved and, not surprisingly, it will be especially more difficult on children. Still, it’s always best to create structure in your home right away. Develop your schedule at home so that your time becomes a workable and predictable asset in your child's eyes.

Third, I would also suggest remaining within gender roles—we can never make up for the other parent, i.e. mothering the child if you are the dad. If our stance is weakened on gender roles, disciplining, being in charge, we further facilitate a disintegrating situation. Consider how this position would play out while still married- it doesn’t work.

Our children want to see us as the person they are familiar-- nothing less, nothing more. Help them feel safe by acting as natural as possible. Most importantly, be confident in everything you do with your little one. As expected, it can be tough adjusting to new co-parenting roles. Pull in your family and friends for additional, supporting, roles with your loved ones.

Fourth, I personally believe the more our children can see and feel consistency the better. Try and mitigate some of the more subtle issues up front by expressing and showing only the living arrangements change. Some things will be new. Work together as a team at home and beyond--provide opportunity for your children to shine through empowerment and age appropriate decision-making.

Fifth, plan time with your children in advance. Until your child becomes comfortable with new schedules and household status, share those plans in advance. During those times, steal the opportunity to understand your child’s world and what he/she is coping without asking. Work through your relationship with fun events that won’t require judgment or discipline—show them you are committed and vested in your new relationship by being a reliable and dependable resource in their lives.

Finally, learn to understand and become knowledgeable about Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). Also known as PA, most are quick to jump to conclusions about the other co-parents role on this matter. Don’t do this! There are in fact two sides to this coin and hence the “syndrome” aspect of what could become a debilitating condition.

One side may be your co-parent is flagrant about manipulating your child against you. However the other side of this delicate matter is your co-parent may not be aware your child is picking up on some very emotional feelings regarding the marital split—your child may be acting out mainly because of their conflicted feelings.

For me personally, my youngest was only two at the time when her mom and I separated. Accepting my child physically from her mother’s arms was hard. My ex wasn’t handling the transitions very well. Chances are my little girl was instinctively picking up on her mom’s feelings. As a result I worked hard to support and provide reassurance to my little girl while she was in my care.

The perplexing part of this syndrome is typically the lack of understanding from both parties. Survival skills are employed—new co-parents don’t like to be alone, become overprotective, start sleeping with the child, or begin behavior that cites nonverbal cues to the child such as, “I’m completely dependent on you and please don’t leave me!”

Mothers may find it hard to digest one day she will lose her only boy to the father. It’s only natural that eventually boys will want to migrate to their dads once they start asserting themselves near middle school or even earlier. In this case, help the mom feel confident in understanding no one is taking the children away and they need their mother—You’re in it together for the long haul.

The other side of PAS, unfortunately, is more deliberate in nature when your co-parent just wants you gone or out of the equation. Don’t worry; you can still develop a course of action for your relationship with your children.

For more severe PAS, the alienated parent may be inclined to throw in the white towel and the child may grow up never really understanding the depth of the issue. I suggest hanging in there, as I did, since those concerns may die down after both parties adjust.

For me, my hidden message was a consistent, “I’m not going anywhere.” I followed the divorce decree always maintaining my kids as a priority. I didn’t concern myself with words or actions from the other camp. Further, I portrayed my new role as someone who only wanted to be in my kids’ lives—to provide my children a father who loves them.

PAS is a delicate issue which may take several turns and potentially against you if you are not careful! If after moving your schedules more evenly and allowing for a period of adjustment, there are still concerns-- here are 5 legal points that should be a larger consideration:

1) Hire a forensic psychologist and mental health professional to be able to identify that PAS is occurring. Most forensic evaluators such as psychiatrists and clinical psychologists have studied the disorder and are able to recognize it when we may not.

2) Keep a diary or journal of key events describing what happened and when. Document the alienation with evidence that is admissible in court. For example, always call and show up for pickups, even if you know the children won't be there. Then document you tried for when the alienator alleges you have no interest in the child.

3) Never openly talk about the legal case. Always take the high road and never talk badly about the other parent. Never show court orders or other sensitive documents. Shield the children from inappropriate conversations on the telephone.

4) Don’t violate court orders. Pay child support on time and prove you live within the letter of the law. Be truly decent and principled in the eyes of the children.

5) Hire a skilled family lawyer with PAS.

No matter how challenging it may seem or how conflicted your child, I personally guarantee he/she will eventually appreciate your efforts to stay in their life. Share patience with a court system that may potentially be untrained to understand PAS. More help can be found in my book, Parenting After Divorce- Rebuilding Your Life and Reaffirming the Relationships that Matter—this recently published manuscript provides the concepts, strategies, and philosophies to help not only support coping and rebuilding through conflict, but while sustaining a path that wins over your children.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a divorced single dad, rebuilding coach and Author of Parenting After Divorce: Rebuilding Your Life And Reaffirming the Relationships that Matter (2013), speaker, court appointed child advocate, mediator, and expert in parenting, family, relations and life changes. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

Finding Inspiration, Growth, Love and You When Your Marriage Falls Apart

2013-02-13T13:53:00.001-07:00

I have a new eBook available now and developed from my own personal experiences on Parenting After Divorce. This series of steps provides successful concepts, strategies and philosophies that are also expressed in an optional supporting seminar program. The program walks you through four main phases of coping, rebounding and rebuilding from divorce with your children: Inception, Elaboration, Construction, and Transition.

Start here, if you are in a rut or have challenges and you are seeking wiser strategies/ resolution with regard to single or co-parenting. This in essence is your program with comprehensive steps to become more knowledgeable on creating a new niche in life with your children!

The following content reflects a compilation of what I learned and accomplished with my children. The overwhelming benefit is the growth in my relationships. Today, I share mutual understanding, trust, love, and respect with my children. It’s these points, which got us there. My hope and wish is you'll buy, read, and develop/ share the same attributes and mutual feeling with your children as I do with mine. Share your review!

Find my book here! Have a wonderful day and thank you for being a loyal fan!

Bruce
PS If you are happily married, I support you 100%, but please share with your friends/ family who may benefit from having a resource such as this! Thank You!

© 2013 Bruce Buccio

Stick With What Works

2013-01-23T14:59:00.000-07:00

This article is the twelfth and final segment to a 12 Step Awareness Program that helps move through divorce successfully with children. This currently published series and collateral seminar program is based on successful concepts, strategies and philosophies from my new book, Success With Your Children In Divorce (2013). The eleventh or last segment, “Staying Positive”, supported looking inward for insightful personal change and ownership, but while not judging yourself.

By this stage in your development process, you’ve grown through separation and divorce and created new stronger family dynamics with your children. Through this process, my hope is you’ve been taking notes, running closely with the highlighted points, and building from what feels comfortable for you and your children.

Identifying with all segments here help with understanding to trust your gifts and sustaining a path that wins over your children. Single and co-parenting can be a challenging effort initially when we depart from
our spouse. In fact it’s overwhelming! Keep it simple. Make it positive. Don’t lose track of what gains you’ve reached with your kids to date. Do your thing the way you are comfortable while finding your way and creating a new niche for you and your kids.

Working together with your co-parent and openly communicating is ideal naturally. Consistently striving to find a balance that works with your ex will serve dividends. If your relationship is adversarial, you could reach new heights from experiences discovered in this program. If your ex partner is absent in your kids lives, a whole set of different challenges are present. This series of steps within will help break new ground for you and your child.

Here’s a small slice of the program and what we’ve learned from current segments beginning to end:

1. Preparing for a life change may mean just becoming aware and accepting change is necessary. Nothing quite prepares us for separation and divorce, but it’s best to do with integrity and dignity. Having options in my life is what’s important now.

2. Congratulations, it’s your new beginning. Transitioning in divorce with children won't be easy. You may not realize or see it now but you will grow from this and you will be happier than ever. It will take time. I'm sorry, its over, start your new life now.

3. The kids are acclimating to their new living arrangements. You don’t know what tomorrow brings, but you managed to get through another day. Now what? You’re in a new place now with your new life and new heart- creating new habits, practices, and disciplines is your new norm.

4. Build deeper bonds merely from the additional individual closeness and time together. Don’t let your kids get lost in the shuffle. By integrating into your kid’s interests and therefore their lives, a hidden message is provided.

5. Greatest benefit for both you and your children is to mitigate a lot of the issues up front. Defuse immature tactics with your warm persona, hugs, kisses, and smile with your children. Healthier solutions exist when you are overwhelmed with the lack of understanding or care in the other home.

6. Keep your eyes on the horizon toward your new goals and destination. Re-prioritizing and organizing your life for your future is what’s important now. Play out your new life designed to benefit your children and you.

7. There are two significant areas we can help our children cope and mitigate stress after the divorce or separation—by building structure (a framework of consistency and predictability) into their lives and by minimizing change, we develop an understanding together.

8. Developing rituals allows us to build upon what we have with an improved way of life. These types of customs reinforce our family bonds with the message we are going to be ok. Rituals are healthy distractions that serve to promote family without the need to pass judgment or discipline.

9. Communicating effectively with your children is critical. Working through the new persistent challenges that divorce presents in our after-married-life may create displeasure, but identifying with our children’s issues is priority.

10. Opportunity doesn't stop because of divorce. It may bring fears and pains, though don’t let that project onto your kids. Your kids have so much more to learn from how you accept change and define your life as you move forward to a brighter, deeper, future together.

11. Staying positive through your transition means looking inward for insightful personal change and ownership. You will know when you are whole and complete again. It might not happen today or tomorrow, but you’ll feel it eventually if you employ the tricks and tips found within this program.

12. Learn to trust your gifts and sustain a path that wins over you and your children. Looking back now, you’ve learned these steps support your objectives to become a bigger healthier person. How do you sustain this path? Take what you offer most to your family and build on it with what you’ve cultured here.

By completing this program you will have accomplished a defining moment in your life as you seek success to a healthier new family. Utilizing the steps in this 12 Step Awareness Program will facilitate and lead to a better lifestyle for you while promoting a prosperous life for your child’s future.

If you feel success with your new family, then provide the same benefit to your kid's other parent by distributing this program information. Everyone involved, including grandparents and co-parents, can gain from this experience by being on the same page--the children benefit from all relationships in their life with the wealth of knowledge learned here.

It’s in my greatest confidence and pleasure to help you lift an enormous weight off your shoulders while achieving these steps.

Genuinely and Respectfully,

Bruce

P.S.

Available in eBook formats. Look for Dates/ Times for this 12 Step Awareness Program. Speaking Engagements and Webinars available upon request.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a Rebuilding Coach and Expert and published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

Staying Positive

2013-01-17T15:59:00.001-07:00

This article is the eleventh segment in a twelve part series I developed for maximizing success after divorce called, “My 12 Point Ladder To Successful Divorce Transition With Children.” The tenth or last segment published, “Teach Your Children Well” helped with showing your children opportunity doesn’t stop because of divorce.

This segment, “Staying Positive”, supports looking inward for insightful personal change and ownership, but while not judging yourself. What I might hear from clients today is how challenging it is to move forward, a la "…. Feet stuck in cement. No motivation. Don’t know what their future holds. No confidence. Just going through the motions."

Family and friends may reach out to support you through the initial tough times or immediately after the
separation. Eventually you’ll have to tough it out on your own. We can’t expect nor would we want sympathy and help from others forever. Here and there during the valleys, sure. People have lives and you want to grow from your experiences and challenges.

It sucks to be in this position, but the single best dynamic you can achieve and also benefit? Is to keep things moving! Time will test you, but listing and then executing a number of to-dos will provide the healthy distractions you need at this point in your life. Even if it means taking a walk, cleaning, organizing, chores, errands, to name a few quick and easy steps.

This is a pivotal time in your life. Times like these are defining moments for you. Staying positive after splitting up your marriage and family is a work in progress. It’s a big leap leaving a spouse, but even bigger with children. It may be the single most critical decision you will make in your lifetime, though one which may have the largest lasting positive impact depending on how you handle and adjust.

Even if it’s not immediately apparent, you are transforming, developing, building, growing into a bigger person-- staying strong knowing things will get better is your norm. Yet surprisingly, when you are ready you will forgive. Yes, a time will come when you know you will release the pains you harbor by forgiving. Its hard understanding that, but your heart will let you know when its ok. You’ll do it for you and it’ll be easier than you think.

As with the metamorphosis before the butterfly, you will seek change. You'll do it by finding and promoting new areas in your life. Seeking new scenery. Redefining and changing. It is up to you when that will happen. Shortly after my separation, I transferred to a new organization with my employer and eventually found a surprising niche. I needed a dramatic adjustment. I thought I was perfectly happy where I was--through change I found something better.

I shed the life that defined me previously. I reached out to others who were open to listening and who had good ideas and thoughts. I surrounded myself with positives. I avoided the inner voice, which spoke down to me. I kept focused on me opposed to others or things that wanted to keep me down.

Be easier on your self. Self-compassion is a sort of antitoxin to the soul. Don’t beat yourself up. Rather understand life can throw you tough lessons, but that you have limits, you are not perfect, and you are only human. There is Devine passage to the next chapter in your life if it’s in your spirit. God is looking after you.

Relax, breathe, close your eyes and just listen. You can find supporting environments easily—your own backyard, park, hiking trails, gardens or any place with complete solitude. I wasn’t a big fan of meditation previously, but I found when there was too much going on inside my head, sitting quietly with my eyes closed listening to my heart and my breath was an easy way to clear my mind.

A more profound idea while sitting quietly and generating a better attitude is by stimulating your mind with your senses—certain smells, touches against your skin, tastes, sights, sounds you enjoy, or anything that may excite your senses. It’s comforting allowing yourself to feel again through your environment.

Use positive affirmations. Start your day with a positive affirmation to get off to a good start in striving for your whole day to be a positive one. Affirmations are a powerful tool when used on a regular basis. It can be something as simple as "Today is the best day yet!" Some will post or write notes on their bathroom mirror so it’s the first affirmation received in the morning.

Create a positivity board—basically affirmations on a bulletin board in your home at a common area where you post pictures, funny jokes or comic strips that bring a smile to your face. An alternative online is, www.pinterest.com.

How about just surrendering! Be selective when choosing your battles. Understand stuff happens. This is one area many overlook. The universe isn't always going to be in tune with your mood. The proverb, “This too shall pass,” could be your mantra. You don’t have to fight for everything. You don't have to push back. Some things just aren’t worth your time. Your bad feelings won’t last forever so allow yourself to heal while understanding your emotions can be compromised.

Other very ample means to get you through the rough are seeking things to be grateful and savoring the things which make you happy—family, children, jogging, exercise, morning coffee and paper, friends, and simple thoughtful gestures and acts of kindness. Again, anything that makes you happy and elicits good feelings.

I am thankful. I can give back if I rest on an appreciation of what I have to offer: my health, my heart, my smile. These are things I own and no one can take away from me. Taking gratitude in the small things will invite positive feelings and may just inspire and elicit feelings in others--generating a cyclic and positive energy if you will.

Likewise, there are also things not to do. It’s not about immediately finding intimacy with others. Developing relationships and friendships through new areas in your life is encouraged. Allow time for your heart to heal and get your head on straight. Divorce is like taking it on the jaw and feeling a little dizzy for a while—as in months. New intimate relations won't heal you and may even set you back further.

Don’t fill voids with material things or tangible items, which only fill a need temporarily. Eat the ice cream, buy the consolation item, and get away for a while but don’t generate habits from them. Think about the materials that are practical and necessary for you and your kids. On the contrary, set fresh goals and targets in your lives, such as budgeting.

Keep bad influences or negatives away—certain people, substance abuse, credit cards and debt, material things to name a few. Clean up the influences that mar your ability to grow! Reprioritize and re-organize literally and figuratively. Think about what corporations do when they find themselves over extended, too thin to grow, and with too much debt— they downsize, remove impacts, rebuild, and come back stronger. Simplify!

Family and friends may be there for you. Though eventually you’ll have to tough it out on your own. Sympathy won’t be around forever and that’s ok. Keep your feet moving! You will know when you are whole and complete again. It might not happen today or tomorrow, but you’ll feel it eventually if you employ many of the tricks and tips within. Your children will follow your lead and together you reap the rewards. This is gold, your personal investment to your family's long term emotional health.

Next Up! The twelfth and final segment, “Sticking With What Works”, will help with learning to trust your gifts as a parent and sustaining a path that wins over you and your children.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a Rebuilding Coach and Expert and published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

Teach Your Children Well

2013-01-09T14:40:00.004-07:00

This article is the tenth segment in a twelve part series I developed for maximizing your opportunities for success after divorce called, “My 12 Point Ladder To Successful Divorce Transition With Children.” The ninth or last segment published, “Being A Reliable Resource” helped with identifying how to communicate your love and support effectively with your children during this critical time in your lives.

This segment, “Teach Your Children Well”, supports the individual times you have created with your children by showing opportunity doesn’t stop because of divorce. By this time in your transitional development, you are building structure and adding stability back into your kid’s lives, creating new rituals with your children with any number of family rituals I personally developed, and you
are becoming a consistent and reliable resource for your children.

You may think divorce is the end of the world. Depending on your circumstances, it’s certainly understandable as we’ve all been there initially. Divorce is no easy task regardless of your situation and it brings along with it fears and pains from the past and about the future. But, does this feeling project onto your kids?

You will grieve and you may feel reprieve as you release what could be insurmountable differences in your marriage. Other than the living arrangements, nothing else really needs to change. Depending on your perspective you may feel everything changes and it’s all about survival mode.

Well, you are a survivor! That doesn’t mean you have to approach life as a victim. Life does have setbacks but we find the will and move forward to bigger and better things. Things do improve. Our view of optimism helps!

Our kids can learn from our experiences by seeing how we approach adversity. There are positives in this cloud hanging over us—the ubiquitous silver lining. Accepting challenges and changes and creating opportunity from them will support growth. We show life can present hard lessons, but we pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and move on.

For me personally, I didn’t want my divorce to impact the way my kids viewed the world. This doesn’t mean I didn’t grieve. It certainly doesn’t mean they weren’t affected. I still wanted my kids to excel and face life as though nothing really changes (I learned to mitigate some of the dramatic elements) other than household status. After all they didn’t ask for this divorce.

Lets face it, life doesn’t really stop for anyone. How I handled my challenges could be projected inadvertently on my young. If I felt bad or was losing an appreciation for my new status I did it elsewhere. I worked for maintaining strength in the eyes of my little ones to accept setbacks, but to also challenge them.

I didn’t want them to become vulnerable like the many publically documented impacts that come with single parenting. I couldn’t be with them all the time, but I could do my part when they were with me. I could make a difference--I could do it with my involvement and how I participated in their lives. I could inspire through my love and dedication!

I could teach and mentor throughout this obscure area in our lives. I could talk to them and share good dialogue—impressing upon them they had a dad who cared more about their well being than in the obstacles that wanted to stand in our way.

I embraced their young hearts in lieu of their experience. I knew my actions counted for something. I viewed them as young, smart, fearless, resilient, children with innocent hearts. I could change the outcome over what fate wanted to label a child of divorce and all the stigma that came.

I wanted my children to have the same family benefits as their two-parent household peers. We could still approach our days with veracity, love, acceptance, and joy. I learned to ignore the chatter and the standard that wanted to define us. We did it by accepting our family status and advancing forward.

I encouraged them to ask good pertinent questions. You want this type of dialogue to start early while expressing yourself calmly in a language they understand. I opened our relationship to stand for more. I would feed their curiosity.

Every opportunity I had, I did my best to bring the outside world to my children through experiences. We planned, but we were also spontaneous and made time for getting out--in the process we learned a little about our selves and each other.

We approached change, challenge, and growth together and learned value and approval with each other. I showed them life could be your teacher and what is important is it's in how we respond to adversity that matters most.

Divorce isn’t the end of the world, obviously. It may bring fears and pains, though don’t let it project onto your kids. You are allowed to grieve as you accept the reality of your situation. However, your kids have so much more to learn from how you accept change and define your life as you move forward to a brighter, deeper, future together.

Next Up! The eleventh segment, “Staying Positive”, will help with looking inward for insightful personal change and ownership, but while not judging yourself.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a Rebuilding Coach and Expert and published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

Being A Reliable Resource Post-Divorce

2013-01-01T12:12:00.002-07:00

This article is the ninth segment in a twelve part series I developed for maximizing your opportunities for success after divorce called, “My 12 Point Ladder To Successful Divorce Transition With Children.” The eighth or last segment published, “Developing Rituals That Change Everything” showed how to reinforce family bonds and send the hidden message, “We are going to be ok. We can move on and leave the past behind.”

This segment, “Being A Reliable Resource…” helps with communicating effectively with your children during this significant time in your lives moving forward as though only your living arrangements have changed. By this time in your transitional development, you are finding more time with your children, identifying and adjusting in your
new role and personal life, and moving past the discomfort in your divorce relations.

You would think post-divorce status may start to get easier, but then realization sets in that new and different challenges persist. Room for dissatisfaction and restlessness may develop from your revelation. You may find it challenging to keep up with your own issues as you attempt to move forward.

What’s your child’s new status? You may not be the only one who's coping. Depending on their age they may have varying issues lingering from the separation, but won’t communicate. As with many in your position, you may observe behavior changes such as withdrawal and just chalk it up to the divorce with hopes everyone will adjust and time will heal.

It’s too easy for children to get lost in the shuffle as we try to mold into new roles and our personal life. This is in fact the time to re-engage your child—your spoken words are essential to keep your child caught up and involved. You may discover it’s challenging to come up with the right questions and associated resolve.

It’s best at this time to develop a new platform in your relationship. Find an outlook that will distract them from the obscure grief hanging over them. Connecting in a new setting will help on their terms with hopes they will share their feelings openly on the matter. After all, your family dynamic is not the same anymore.

We can’t expect our children to derive answers on their own. Here are ways we can effectively communicate our support and love in order to maintain our child’s direction:

1) Learn to understand your child’s world through listening to their ideas and thoughts. Steal the opportunity to show your children individually, “I’m vested in YOU, YOU are important, and I approve of YOU lovingly and with acceptance.”

2) Sustain structure and discipline. Loosening your discipline methods at this time when you already feel bad about the new circumstances or predicament would be unwise. Your child needs you more in this area than any other time. Decisions about discipline can be challenging, but we make choices because we love our children even if it’s not immediately apparent to our kids.

3) Make conscious decisions to ask good pertinent and intelligent questions. Their response may in effect raise more questions, but their answer isn’t as important as much as their own insight, awareness, and perspective on the issues. I personally relate with each of my children differently and with individuality because they are mutually exclusive in their own right.

4) Model your behavior. While proper discipline, education, family and value systems have combined benefit; it's our passive impact or how we value our self, our goals, and our relationships that attribute the most success to our young. It’s this influence on our children that generates the single most benefit.

5) Be there when they reach out. Keep an open rapport-- help them identify with your new position in their life. Single parenting or co-parenting presents unclear family dynamics initially. If my kids needed me, I wanted to be the one who raised my arms, palms wide open, to connect. Show you too can be there when needed.

6) Communicate frequently. I found that my children gained confidence in us if I communicated our plans and events to them directly. I tried to remain consistent and predictable in my approach. Be prompt--if I was travelling or wouldn’t be able to keep a planned date, I expressed that well in advance. If I was out of town, I called and spoke directly with my little one.

Incidentally, I learned early, messages got lost or translated incorrectly if I didn’t speak directly with my kids. I also learned if I tried to have a discussion on the phone with their mom while the kids were in her care was also a bad choice.

7) Explain that nothing else changes. Only your living arrangements change. You can still state you love their mom or dad but just not the same way anymore. That it’s a very tough decision and it’s sad, but this very delicate and sensitive issue is only a small snag in a much bigger picture—your role and responsibilities don’t change. Things will eventually improve.

Communicating effectively with your children during this significant time in your lives is critical. Working through the new persistent challenges that divorce presents in our after-married-life may create displeasure, but identifying with our children’s issues is priority. Behavior changes are a sure sign your attention is required. Developing a new platform and understanding in your relationship will help them succeed. Their future depends on you.

Next Up! The tenth segment, “Teach Your Children Well”, will support the individual times you have created with your children and show opportunity doesn’t stop because of divorce.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a Rebuilding Coach and Expert and published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

Developing Rituals That Change Everything

2012-12-17T11:44:00.000-07:00

This article is the eighth segment in a twelve part series I developed for maximizing your opportunities for success after divorce called, “My 12 Point Ladder To Successful Divorce Transition With Children.” The seventh or last segment published, “Building Structure-- In Your Child’s Security” shows how to create a compelling discovery for you and your children that will harmonize your household.

This segment, “Developing Rituals That Change Everything” is about bringing family together to strengthen relationships in time of need. By this time in your transitional development, you are succeeding on a good working balance with your ex, implementing designs on your new personal life, and generating a sustainable household.

Now is the time to build on your recent triumphs after divorce by improving on your way of life together with your children. By developing and bringing rituals into our home, we develop an accord—the love,
unity, agreement, accomplishment, and good emotional health that arrive from the connections that bind family together.

Rituals and traditions alike bring family together. Family rituals provide opportunity for re-affirming and developing family values, faith, and life experiences. These experiences are a hidden reinforcement that everything is going to be ok.

This comes at a time of significant need. Post separation, your children are left curious about their changes, family status, and the scope of their future. By creating and sharing new rituals you institute harmony and a network of support with added family.

What’s more remarkable about rituals is their origin. Starting from an idea, then growing by natural progression from popularity and shared enthusiasm. Your newly instituted customs may just blossom into something very special for a lifetime.

Rituals have the potential to become traditions, which may then get passed down into generations. It warms my heart thinking about sharing traditions into my prime with grandchildren. Organized family efforts bear the fruit of love and lasting memory. These events are a reflection that family is important.

Rituals with my children started on a lark. This would lead to a post divorce discovery that we could leave the past behind. We could move on together and share something bigger—that creating and sustaining rituals generate healthy distractions and deepen bonds in the process.

We would seek and investigate our surroundings with road trips through our beautiful state. We would make our rounds to our favorite local and national parks. We would camp, explore, rock climb and find beauty in everything we could see. We would tube down extraordinary as well as lazy rivers and we would horseback. Eventually we would strike out beyond our state borders and visit our shorelines--in a sense I would attempt to bring the world to them.

When my girls were young, I took pride in visiting their bedside every night to say I Love You and we would share highlights of the day. I would rotate weekly individual date nights to learn about their world through their eyes, thoughts and dreams over dinner and some activity afterwards.

I sought favorite past times from my youth. I taught them how to ski, sled, and skate as well as how to swim, climb a tree, and ride a bicycle. I looked at sports or any number of varied interests from my children. Now that my children are older, we still identify today with the favorite times we generated so many years ago.

The holidays present ways for creating new customs. I still hide ornaments in the Christmas tree attached with a special message. I taught them how to carve jack-o-lanterns. We build and launch July 4^th rockets as a tradition. When we can, I still enjoy the road to Aspen, Co every Labor Day weekend. This Christmas holiday we host and we will be skiing.

Don’t worry about family size. If it’s only you and your children, as with my early experiences, you provide the same message. As your kids grow older they’ll reflect on and share the good times as mine do often. This re-affirms that your efforts made a positive, lasting impression.

Developing rituals allows us to build upon what we have with an improved way of life. These types of customs reinforce our family bonds with the message we are going to be ok. It says we can move on and leave the past behind. Rituals are healthy distractions that serve to promote family without the need to pass judgment or discipline. That’s something we can all live with together many times over and for generations to come.

Next Up! The ninth segment, “Being A Reliable Resource Post Divorce,” will help with communicating effectively with your children as though nothing has changed except your living arrangements.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a Rebuilding Coach and Expert and published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

Building Structure—in your kid’s security

2012-12-10T12:01:00.001-07:00

This article is the seventh segment in a twelve part series I developed for maximizing your opportunities for success after divorce called, “My 12 Point Ladder To Successful Divorce Transition With Children.” The sixth or last segment published, “Moving Forward After Divorce” takes a look at designing a new path and setting targets for your new life ahead.

This segment, “Building Structure…”, is about developing a framework of consistency and predictability into your home life for your children. By this time in your transitional development, you and your kids are fitting into your new life together, but in the process of adjusting to new roles and new household status, things perhaps got a little confusing for everyone.

When we are in our youth we prefer sameness. We grow secure in knowing our surroundings are constant
and uniform. This allows us to focus and develop in other areas that are age appropriate such as: play, school, organized activity, friends, fantasy, creativity and imagination, etc. Stress and anxiety don’t mix well with children.

Too much anxiety from insecurities, emotions, fear, and even the unknown marks our childhood with instability and coping mechanisms. As children we don’t like the unknown. We don’t like coping. Too much and this may result in behavioral issues and closes us off. Loss of parents only compounds the problem.

During change or altered lifestyles, children look to us for comfort and security to protect their wellbeing. In a sense, they want to trust in our ability to handle variations for them. They want to see it in our eyes, hear it in our tone, and feel it in our embrace.

The results of change are amplified within children in comparison to adults. As we grow we become accustomed to change. We learn familiarity with new challenges and become more accepting of change. Children don’t have this luxury.

Children want to feel more secure in the events, which they have no control over. They want to model our behavior and adjust and move with change under our guidance. Giving the opportunity, children will prove resilient over time if we facilitate and support their actions.

There are two significant areas we can help our children cope with and mitigate stress after the divorce or separation—by building structure in their lives and minimizing change, we develop an understanding.

By securing a structured framework in the new household, we provide stability for our loved ones. This means creating “sameness” in their daily lives when it comes to breakfast, school, homework, dinner, playtime, bath time, bedtime, etc. By the same standard, we can model structure in our own life—the fewer surprises the better, at least until everyone adjusts.

On weekends, we can employ similar events. Meal times and bedtimes etc could be coordinated with weekday times. The more familiarity with a schedule, the better your child will adjust to a new household. Good quality time with the kids even if its running errands together is worthwhile. Further, integrating into your child's life can support the overall process. That's in supporting and encouraging their own interests and hobbies as well as introducing and sharing your own.

By comparison, minimizing change immediately after separation can help reduce anxiety. Less change, post divorce, supports your child in the long term. As a suggestion, if only the living arrangements changing between mom and dad are expressed, the impact of divorce hopefully may be lessened for your children.

Think of the stressors we manage as adults after separation: potential household move, new roles and status, divorce proceedings, personal loss and grieving, coordination and transfer of children between homes, changing financial responsibilities, and potential job or career change to name a few. Protecting or at least deflecting the kids from the adult stuff that comes with divorce will help support your children.

Consistency on your part does work miracles and predictability serves to support and mitigate your child’s fears and anxiety in the long run. By using this method, your young children will see they can rely on your judgment and feel safe.

Get moving! Start and make your kids schedules a priority. Look beyond adversity and create a compelling discovery for you and your children that will harmonize your household. Don’t let your kids get lost in the shuffle—your actions at this point will pre-empt and secure your future with your children.

Next Up! Developing Rituals That Change Everything!

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a Rebuilding Coach and Expert and soon to be published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

Moving Forward After Divorce

2012-11-28T15:05:00.000-07:00

This article is the sixth segment in a twelve part series I developed for maximizing your opportunities for success after divorce called, “My 12 Point Ladder To Successful Divorce Transition With Children.” The fifth or last segment published, “Working Past the Ex, Negativity and Games”, takes a look at new co-parenting roles in light of the divorce and new challenges which may result.

This segment, “Moving Forward”, is about designing your own new path. You may not have noticed, but you are a new person now. You may look the same in the mirror, but change is imminent.

By this time in your transitional development, you are adjusting to your new household, your kids are settling into their new family dynamic, and you are managing to find a good balance that works with your co-parent for the benefit of the kids.

You may still be grieving and attempting to leave the past behind in order to let go. This is perfectly normal. Today, at this point in your development, reprioritizing
and organizing your life for your future is what’s important now.

For some of us it’s easy to let the past go by the wayside and move on. We pick up where we left off, no big deal. You may hear the words in some form, “I have my health, my career, the break was mutual, and we’re still friends—I’m satisfied with my divorce settlement and my kids.“ Couldn’t they all be this way. It leaves most of us wondering why the marriage couldn’t work since everyone is so flexible.

For another group, it’s not so easy. It’s a bit more extreme. It’s hard to imagine the preceding scenario since one or both parties can’t seem to find common ground anywhere. There’s more energy displaced on positioning themselves in the newly formed and ever-changing relationship. It’s a challenge moving forward coping and dealing with divorce affairs, which may bleed into issues around the children.

Third and final, there’s the group in the middle. It’s not extreme but it’s not a walk in the park either. There’s no conflict but someone just took the hit rather dramatically and it’s hard to believe its over. We were either blind-sided or for whatever reason it's one sided and can’t let go of the family.

In any case, most can agree divorce usually happens long before we’re ready to admit. No one is just using the “D” word. With few exceptions, we may be kidding ourselves that the marriage is working. We stay for the kids, fear of change, denial, hope, or maybe fear of being alone itself.

Eventually what’s inescapable will conquer. The inevitable will happen. How we each survive divorce and breakups in general can take many forms. Coping includes moving forward in our personal life. For most of us, change isn’t a term we like to use unless we need. That may be at a greater cost if we’re caught not looking or unprepared. Regardless, change is smoother if we accept and embrace it.

After the initial year in the separation process and agreement, I started thinking about a new life for myself. I started to design my new life as if I had a second chance. All the interests I had that I couldn’t find time for were now all moving to the forefront.

There was no need to look back any more. I could envision a life with new meaning. This meant I could accept change and opportunity, new relationships, and now more importantly, a new outlook. All of this takes time of course and doesn’t happen overnight.

Where do I go from here? I had my kids and I had me. If I wanted my kids to have a decent shot in life, my career would need some priority. With pressure from colleagues and friends, I took a leap of faith and left my employer of nearly10 years. I had no idea at the time this would take me on a journey that would transform me.

I could have stayed and reaped the love I enjoyed for so many years from that employer. I had a cozy position and was compensated well. Eventually I determined staying would only be the safe route. I needed more at this time in my life. I wanted challenges from my career, for me. In a sense, I needed new.

What’s the plan? Did I have a plan? Not necessarily, but I knew I needed to keep moving and put new things in front of me. I knew enough at this point I didn’t want to repeat history or regress in my personal life. I started setting targets and goals for my life with my children.

Before long, many doors started to open. A change of pace and new scenery was what I needed even if I didn’t see it previously. This move would lead to a significant career change and then years later my own company startup—things were rolling.

I was motivated by seeing my children happy and wanted to keep it that way. I wanted them to have a life that wasn’t impacted by single parenthood. They deserved all the same benefits as a two-parent home—a safe, secure, warm, loving environment without judgment and opportunity to excel.

My kids were my inspiration- I didn’t want to let them down. I was already feeling extraordinary guilt for their unprecedented new household status. I worked hard and to some extent placed a lot of energy into my career—a sort of therapy for the soul.

More changes for me came when I began coaching--first at the request of my daughter’s soccer moms to coach volleyball and then my own solicitation in boys inline hockey for which my youngest daughter joined. I got the coaching bug.

All culminated into coaching my daughters in multiple sports, tournament teams, and eventually ice hockey. I learned I could be a factor in many kids’ lives. I kept moving, I transformed, I grew in the process and my children reaped the rewards.

Lets be honest, it’s upsetting for all involved to go through a divorce and then try to bounce back- not an easy task. It takes time to move through all phases of loss after divorce. It may have taken me personally 2-3 years to finally feel whole again. My personal slogan I relied on time and time again-- grieve, but keep moving.

Next Up! Building Structure- In Your Kids Security!

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a Rebuilding Coach and Expert and soon to be published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

Working Past The Ex, Negativity, and Games

2012-11-13T14:32:00.000-07:00

This article is the fifth segment in a twelve part series I developed for maximizing your opportunities for success after divorce called, “My 12 Point Ladder To Successful Divorce Transition With Children.” The fourth or last segment published, "Integrating into your kid’s lives" is about having new opportunity to build deeper bonds with your children, merely from the additional individual closeness and time together.

This segment, “Working Past The Ex...”, is about utilizing four very simple key points in order to mitigate the more contentious issues which may arise. By this time in your transitional development, you are starting to live your life with new single status and adjusting to the idea of what may lay ahead for you and your kids as your kids are curious about their new family dynamic.

The separation is finally behind and you are adjusting to your new life as single parent. You have started to create your own niche with your children while consoling their hearts and trying to focus on their needs as well as your own.

If it were only this easy, it could be manageable. Just you and the kids, on your time, trying to figure things out are workable. Having to cope with new co-parenting roles while you are just trying to get up on your own feet can get complicated and frustrating.

Mutually learning to work together, always thinking of the kids first, would be cause for having a parade in both your honor. The reality is you are divorced because you couldn’t agree, learn to compromise, or work together for the common good. If this weren’t the case, maybe you’d still be married.

Chances are high you are reading this blog because you are looking for inspiration to help with some of your co-parenting challenges. I’m sure its not news for you that its best for you to work well with your
ex spouse for the benefit of the kids.

Needless to say, people grow tired of each other and out of love and that’s not exactly a healthy platform to start working together in a new unfamiliar venue. Heeding this very important characteristic will help you in the long run--maturity and patience are your friends.

There will be plenty of unforeseeable issues (regardless of how much mediation you received, I promise) and both of you will have to find a good balance to work. Both camps are adjusting to new life in separate directions and it’s likely neither will be receiving any priority from the other.

My highest recommendation and therefore greatest benefit for both you and your children is to mitigate a lot of the issues up front. Think about the subtle issues that can be contentious after the separation.

Here is the best advisory to use at any point during the divorce phases—these very simple tasks will help work past the issues, negativity and games with leaps and bounds:

1) Have a parenting plan

2) Follow and stick to your decree

3) Understand your children love both of you

4) Trust your gifts as a parent

Parenting Plan

Seriously consider a parenting plan if one is not required by your state. You may find outlines or templates easily on the web. Having this document signed and amended to your decree will make it legally binding.

In addition to what’s commonly found on these types of plans, think about the safety and vulnerability of your children: what discipline methods and by whom, parent to parent etiquette-emergency protocols, contact with personal friends/ dating partners, child sitting/ daycare--rights of first refusal to watch children, and nutritional health requirements.

Follow Decree

There will be favor requests, schedule changes, and other last minute priorities will get in the way. Further, varying ideologies may be promoted for the children without warning.

If you sway too far from the decree you may find yourself in a bind. Misunderstandings grow and expectations rise—sticking to the decree is really best for everyone and will save unnecessary arguments and anxiety down the road.

Your Children Love Both of You

Regardless of the circumstances surrounding your divorce, try and understand the children have an entirely different perspective. They are employing their own tools to cope with the new family status. It’s best to respect their relationships with others including your ex.

Healthier solutions exist when you are overwhelmed with the lack of understanding or care in the other home. Don’t put the kids in the middle and don’t vent your feelings. More importantly, do not confide in your children—they just want to be kids.

Trust Your Gifts

Keep it simple. Make it positive. Do your thing the way you are comfortable. Think about the kids always. Finding your way and creating a niche for you and your kids is vital to the emotional health of your children.

Ignore activity in the other home. I learned if I allowed things I disagreed with to get to me, they would only upset me. And there were plenty. Neglect is one issue and bad parenting is another--learn to understand the difference.

You won’t be able to change habits in the other home, but you can inspire with your own choices in your home. Don’t react, but rather respond. No matter what you hear from the other household through small lips, defuse and deflect immature tactics with your warm persona, hugs, kisses, and smiles.

My mantra was always--No matter what others say or do, it doesn’t change the fact I’m a wonderful, caring, loving, and dedicated father. Always maintain your relationships with integrity and dignity. Model exceptional behavior in front of your kids no matter how upsetting the situation.

The first two to three years will be challenging as you both adjust to your new roles and responsibilities. It’s best to work toward a good balance with your ex utilizing the four acute pieces of advice above and mitigating the more contentious issues which may arise. Pride yourself with good, respectful communication. Always taking the high road will be win-win for everyone involved--if not seen initially, your consistency will prove worthy in the long run.

Next Up! Moving Forward After Dvorce!

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a Rebuilding Coach and Expert and soon to be published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

-photo credit: Passive Income Dream.com/ Flickr

Our Children After Divorce- Integrating into your child’s life

2012-11-08T14:48:00.000-07:00

More than any other time, your children will need your personal attention after divorce. A family split may be the biggest, most critical, emotional impact your child will accept in a lifetime. All children are obviously impacted by divorce-- one age group is more at risk and vulnerable.

Studies will show divorce will leave the longest impressions on the youngest children. Though the initial and immediate impacts, in my opinion, are felt extraordinarily hard and greatest toward the children in the middle age groups, 9-13.

A child this age is developing in to his/ her own. Emotional, social, intellectual and physical changes are converging at once, at their peak. During this period, many forms of challenges are already on your
child’s mind—peer pressure, new academic and school pressures, hormonal infused body changes, new gendered relationships and attraction, eating changes and habits, identity and image development, and self confidence and esteem to name a few.

Children who are striving to learn about themselves and initiate some autonomy in the process don’t foresee the influence of their parent’s modeling, guidance, boundaries, approval and acceptance. If they cannot find it within you, they’ll find it somewhere else.

At a time when these kids are just trying to find themselves, we ourselves are just as unprepared to institute a new household status. This comes at a critical time when we are struggling with the child within us who wants to exist and be consoled. As we attempt to catch up with our own personal issues, it’s easy for children to get lost in the shuffle.

It’s a tough balance between our children and looking beyond our self as we deal with denial, anger, and sadness—the gamut of initial grieving phases and consequences until we also discover acceptance and freedom. Allowing our focus to drift toward our kids may be the healthy distraction we need.

Appreciation of the kids current activities and interests allows us to forget, at least temporarily, about the stuff that draws us down. Sharing and helping develop our child’s interests is opportunity for us to develop what may be otherwise lost—their heart, spirit, and future.

Searching for a way to integrate into your child’s life has mutual benefits. By my own initial accounts, I started with my kid’s own motivation to learn to roller blade. I had an ice hockey background, though as daunting as it seemed, I went out and bought myself a pair of inline skates. Eventually, my children and I would be playing street hockey together as a ritual. Although not obvious to the casual observer, our emotional landscape was changing before us.

I soon learned that by integrating myself into their lives and sharing interests, at a time when hearts and emotions on both sides were left wide open and vulnerable, allowed us to mend, heal, and find our way together. It developed a positive focus in an otherwise initially challenging atmosphere.

I also learned children are resilient and smarter than we give them credit. Our kids are quick to develop tools to support their hardship. As parents, we can find solace in our guiding responsibility to support and help their growth with new challenges.

With time, other rituals began. I started coaching them in sports. I introduced some of my favorite past times. Our relationships developed a deeper more profound identity. I learned some things about myself as well as my children. I was always a good loving caring loyal dad—now our relationships had substance.

We were bonding in new forms that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. We explored together, learned together, and grew together. As my children grew older, they learned about me as the person in addition to the dad.

Many new connections developed with each child. This platform was based on more than just teaching how to ride a bike or learn to swim. Though still very important, these types of new rapport indulge in some unfamiliar though very positive results.

Regardless of how you define your relationships with your children prior to divorce, you have new opportunity to build deeper bonds merely from the additional individual closeness and time together.

Your consistency here helps develop a connection naturally over time and is irreversible. Eventually you will see how your relationships with your children deepen and you grow into a changed person with your new perspective.

By integrating into your kid’s interests and therefore their lives, a hidden message is provided. It says I’m here for you. I know what you are going through. I know its tough, but I'm with you every step of the way.

Next Up! Moving Past The Ex, Negativity, and Games!

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a Rebuilding Coach and Expert and soon to be published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

-photo credit: Passive Income Dream.com/ Flickr

Adjusting To Life After Divorce

2012-10-31T12:12:00.000-06:00

So, you've split. You have participated in one of life’s biggest changes. Divorce papers have been filed and preliminary hearings have likely started. You may have a separation agreement. You’ve created a new household status and you are settled in to a new home. The kids are acclimating to their new living arrangements. You don’t know what tomorrow brings, but you managed to get through another day. Now what?

The beginning of the next chapter in your life.

You know the tasks at hand and you work through the motions to make a new life, get comfortable, and then out of nowhere it hits you--life will be different. For me it was when I received delivery of my new bedroom furniture and I was figuring where to fit my clothes in the dresser drawers. Oddly, at this time, I was confronted with the revelation I was on my own.

In my own discovery, at that moment, I learned I had only been going through the motions since the separation. I didn’t give myself time to grieve or get upset. I was a young 34 with four little girls, relegated to weekends with my children, while the youngest still in diapers. My reactions through the process were to keep moving and do what I needed to do. It was now, at this time, I could slow down and steal a glimpse of my surroundings.

The five phases of grieving are accredited to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D. in 1969: Denial, Anger, Bargaining (Regret), Sadness, and Acceptance. These are the universally accepted phases primarily based on loss. Eventually this foundation would transform and set the path for grieving from divorce. Depending on which side of the receiving papers you were on and which gender, phases would differ.

I like Dr. Bruce Fisher’s, generic “Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends”. Dr. Fisher redistributes the five original phases over 20 chapters in order to target individual emotions during divorce. Depending on your situation and circumstances you may define your own combination of building blocks within. Once you’ve reached chapter 10, Letting Go, you’ll know you are near the peak of your climb. The remaining chapters set you on a path of transition and rebuilding, and therefore the ultimate prize, freedom.

I like how he doesn’t use the word “recovery”. His emphasis on “freedom” is freedom from yourself. Another book I recommend, incidentally, is Don Miguel Ruiz’s, “Mastery of Love”. It’s not what you think. If you find yourself spinning your wheels in development from your new transition, this would be a good time to encounter this book.

There may be many reasons for your breakup, but that doesn’t matter anymore. The pains are still there which may drag up fears about your future, but you’re in a new place now with your new life and new heart-- creating new habits, practices, and disciplines is your new norm.

How you implement your new life will be key. Focus on you and your children. Start to think about how you want your new beginnings to pan out. What do you envision for yourself moving forward? Nothing will happen overnight obviously, though making considerations about your personal future will help to start setting targets in place.

Nonetheless, I personally moved too fast into dating immediately after my separation. I jumped in headfirst. I treated my renewed freedom much like a caged animal set free into the wild. After I got over myself, I developed an understanding--I needed to work on me.

This was the beginning of a long journey to persevere and develop into a better person. I needed to confront my fears and see where my boundaries lay. The first objective I accepted was out of left field--to get over a fear of deep water I developed from a swimming accident when I was a child. I was looking for my edge to stand on in order to gauge my starting point. As a result, I enrolled in SCUBA.

I began to think about all the things I wanted to do but never had the time previously. Now I had the time. My inspiration to become a better more fulfilling man came from another book I recommend: David Deida’s, “The Way Of The Superior Man”. It’s a phenomenal and must read for men. He has a book which complements “… Superior Man” for women called, “Dear Lover”. Ideally, a woman would want her closest intimate affiliation to read this book aloud.

Looking back several years later, I’m a different man. I wouldn’t recognize myself, if years before I was to run into the person I am today. I’m happy. I love myself. I’ve transformed. I changed. I put stock in my children, my career, and in me in that order. The dividends are in my blessings--to my children, who gained during my own growth in the process, and for having the woman I love deeply in my life.

Next Up! Integrating Into My Kids Lives!

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a Rebuilding Coach and Expert and soon to be published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

-photo credit: Derrek Tiem/ Flickr

21 Not-So-Obvious Ways to Love and Support Your Children

2012-10-29T16:20:00.000-06:00

There are more creative ways to support and love your children than the obvious, so they are subsequently preparing even at a young age for life ahead.

1) Learn to understand your child’s world - During conversation over dinner I would learn and understand my daughter's world listening to her ideas, thoughts, and imagination without judgment. This was my opportunity to show my children individually I’m vested, they are important, and I approve of them lovingly and with acceptance.

2) Explore together, learn together, grow together - Every opportunity I had, I did my best to bring the outside world to my children through new experiences. Some would eventually become family rituals
and traditions. We were spontaneous and did road trips around our state finding and learning everything we could about our immediate surroundings. Once a year I attempted to be Colorado’s greatest outdoorsman and we camped far and wide. As they grew older we opened our boundaries and reached for every shoreline. During these excursions, we developed time for learning about our selves and each other.

3) Create rituals - Organized efforts can transform and bring love and lasting memory. Rituals would become traditions--the more we enjoyed the more we revisited to share time and time again. Rituals and traditions alike bring family together. Family rituals provide opportunity for re-affirming and developing family values, faith, and life experiences together.

4) Use my playground theory - When my kids were young we had a weekly ritual going to the local playground. My theory became, if I let my little ones run the gamut --always observing from afar, engaging when time warranted and letting them soar when they released me-- their confidence and happiness would shine. My confidence and beaming smile would be their inspiration. My outward and embracing arms would become a landing and launching pad for each. As they grew older, their surroundings and environment changed, though my endearing and inspiring confidence remained.

5) Encourage activity - From the household to the playground to more structured environments such as school, organized sports, or any other set of a number of intellectual and/or physical interactive interests, new stepping stones provided would inspire my children to take larger steps.

6) Coach them - As parent and coach, I supported and showed my kids and others how to manage emotional curves. Children can be hard on themselves or they may want to quit due to adverse situations. Helping them weigh situations objectively with facts while relaying the message--giving up on themselves or even quitting will only cheat them in the end. The hidden message is that by not giving up, your child will progress through good practical experience and lessons that will carry into their adult life. Moreover, you are teaching your child you believe in them when they don’t believe in themselves.

7) Teach them - Beyond my own self-discipline and desire to be a wonderful dad and model in my children’s lives, came preservation, courage, and self-effacing acts of kindness. I embrace their young hearts in lieu of their experience--I know I can make mistakes too.

8) Tough love - I love my kids even if it means being stern and stubborn for their own good. Every step I utilize has some benefit to my children even if they don’t see through it or understand it initially. I stand my ground knowing when they have their own kids, they will get it.

9) Put them in a position of success - The responsibility I accept with each of my children is in conscious decisions to ask good pertinent and intelligent questions. Their response may in effect raise more questions, but their answer isn’t as important as much as their own insight, awareness, and perspective on the issues.

10) Build structure - Consistent and predictable routines for your child helps them feel safe and secure. Further it allows them to focus on more important things such as: being a kid, making new friends, having fun, utilizing their imagination and creativity, being happy, school, and other kid stuff, etc…

11) Be there when it counts - My kids success today is a testament to the consistent and predictable love, support, guidance and being a dependable and reliable person in their lives. Protect them. Be a resolute force in their lives with everything they do.

12) Tuck them in at night - I would make the ritual of getting to their rooms just in time for an, “I love you”, share some of the highlights of the day, and maybe some thoughts and plans for the days ahead. I found during this time my kids could be engaging, would ask really important questions and they enjoyed being a part of making plans and having input. They closed their eyes on a happy note ready for a new day.

13) Raise a champion - Raising your children with the concept of the old wise saying, “…it takes a village …”, will support your child’s overall outlook. The more people involved in your child’s life the more likely he/she will benefit from the many views, outlooks, values, and understanding. More relationships and therefore opportunity equates to more success in my opinion. If you take the outlook your child is a champion from day one, they will absorb your passion.

14) Play chess - Any one-one games with a child will offer your time and bonding opportunity. The more time you spend, without room for judgment or discipline, is a good thing. As an added advantage, your child may learn strategy, anticipation, advance steps from your play--incidentally I never let my kids win--I taught them how to win by modeling. Eventually one day they would win, as planned, and it marked a significant time in their lives.

15) Don’t always run to the rescue - Perhaps the hardest part of being a parent is watching your child fail; the proverbial face plant in the midst of one of life’s critical moments. There is no guidebook on how a child should endure life’s little challenges. To leap or not to leap? Knowing when is the right time to jump in or to back away and look busy for your child’s sake is a delicate balance.

16) Take risks - Taking risks is ok, if your child understands and is ready to accept the consequences. Helping children feel comfortable with risk will serve worthy to further them self in life. Understanding consequences can be a remarkable tool for your teen. Sharing with him/ her and acknowledging potential risk allows your child to better plan and prepare for events. Risk can be a good word. Your child will think realistically about his/ her actions and consider what consequences lay ahead. Your child will feel empowered to make wise decisions.

17) Participate in sports - Even at the very lowest recreational level, sports can expose a child to social interaction influenced primarily by positive situations. Some not so positive issues in sports will confront your child, though if recognized and supported properly can help build character in your child. Exposure to sports at any level will open your child to problems, which may parallel life in general--these are the influences you want for your child to help prepare them for every day life.

18) Never reprimand - Being a parent provides us some inalienable rights, but when raising children to be adults, you may find it challenging to get the right balance that works with your teen. As adults, we don’t reprimand each other. What would happen if you were to start reasoning with your child with good rational thinking and understanding of the issues as if you were mentoring?

19) Make tough decisions - Decisions about discipline can be challenging, but we make choices because we love our children even if its not immediately apparent to our kids. It not only means we love our children, but that we love our self too. All together, you are raising your children to love and be loved. Giving love and accepting and being loved are equally important; loving your self supports the entire process. One day your child will reward you many times over for your undying love, recognizing not only the sacrifices, but also the tough love that can walk hand-in-hand too.

20) Be emotionally responsive - I choose conscious decisions and emotional responsiveness because I know my children are watching. I relate with each child differently and with individuality because they are unique and wonderful human beings, but also mutually exclusive in their own right–-I know these garner strength in my child’s own responsiveness to manage challenges from their perspective. I know in my heart how I relate to each will carry over in some form to their children.

21) Put stock in your outlook - It’s our passive impact on our children that generates the single most benefit. Our children are watching. While proper discipline, education, family and value systems have combined benefit, it's our impact or how we value our self, our goals, and our relationships that attribute the most success to our young.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a Rebuilding Coach and Expert and soon to be published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

-photo credit: bonavista8ker/ Flickr

New Household Status

2012-10-27T13:54:00.002-06:00

Congratulations, you are single again! Congratulations? Really!?! We both know it wasn’t exactly in your plans. You have kids and a whole host of new responsibilities including possibly working with an adversarial co-parent. Lucky you, right? You now have what’s universally called, baggage- more good news! It just keeps getting better.

With your new household status you most likely will move into something smaller than you are accustomed, lose married friends as the division of circles commences, go on a household shopping spree, cope with adjusting to co-parenting roles, and then dating and new relations! That’s just the surface, unfortunately.

With your new status brings new emotions and challenges that are unfamiliar to you. Transitioning from married life with children is not an easy task no matter how you look at it or how well you adjust or acclimate to change. It’s all in your perspective.

Your emotions will attempt to get the best of you. Moving is stressful let alone going through a separation and split with a long time partner. Newness is challenging. The more dramatic, the bigger your emotions if
you allow- dividing material wealth, bills, accounts, and potentially finding new insurance are all efforts that correlate with full emancipation.

Managing a new household with children full or part time is the new status. There’s nothing in your resume that quite prepares you. No more tag teams or alternating roles and responsibilities under the same roof. Management of your time and energy will be prudent. You are your own boss of your own domain!

Acclimating away from the learned behavior in your marriage will be difficult- it's time to release the inner voice held over from your ex. Initially, you will catch yourself making decisions based on how your ex preferred. Working hard to consciously design and create your new life the way you prefer across your household will be strange. Create and promote change.

You are now faced with new priorities. You are the all in one- you are the cook, maid, dishwasher, bellman, valet, mediator, chaperone, driver, sibling negotiator, and the list goes on. At your new home, one of the benefits to new single status is doing things your way with your kids. However, when it comes to sharing children's activities with your ex (such as pickups from school), keeping things consistent and predictable for the children is more important now than ever. Don’t sway with your own creativeness at least at this time.

New communication habits with your ex spouse will be generated. Email and texting are cheap ways to get quick information across, but not really to have a discussion. Lengthy texts will only leave more room for error or misunderstanding. When using mobile devices, it’s best to be concise and succinct. Quips are not cool- no dangling or open ended comments.

As a rule, try to handle all correspondence with integrity and dignity. Immediately after separation there is likely a language barrier. Don’t dip to new absurd levels no matter how upsetting your circumstances. If you are corresponding with your ex it’s most likely for the kids and that’s where your focus should remain.

Utilize the 24-hour rule. Since you cannot trust your emotions at a time like this heightened peak, take time to absorb the information. Rest on certain topics that upset you. I found that, personally roughly 50% of the time I waited, I changed my position on certain matters pertaining to the children. Keep the children as your focus over certain impulses you own.

So again, congratulations, it’s your new beginning. Transitioning in divorce with children won't be easy. Stay cool. Remain levelheaded. It’s all in your perspective, which should be looking and moving forward. You may not realize or see it now but you will grow from this, you will be a bigger better person, and you will be happier than ever. It will take time. I'm sorry, its over, start your new life now.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a Rebuilding Coach and Expert and soon to be published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

-photo credit: stevedepino.com/ Flickr

© 2012 Bruce Buccio

Preparing For Change In Your Life

2012-10-12T11:49:00.000-06:00

Many things may make you stare into open space wishing and hoping, maybe praying for renewed strength. You may feel stuck and can’t move, finding yourself immobile against this imaginary tide that strikes you. Have you ever stood in the ocean waiting for a large wave to breach only to have it hit you and push you over? Sometimes life feels this way. Change is inevitable.

Preparing for a life change may mean just becoming aware and accepting change is necessary. Have you or do you want to create changes? You may not even know what the change is or needs to be. You just know moving on would be easier if you could just release or sidestep the unavoidable fears and emotions.

Did you ever have that dream where you can’t move? You try to move your arm or leg and it wont go! As if someone or something is pinning you down. Then you wake up confused to the weird and
awkwardness as you display your moving part. I hated that dream. I used to have that dream but not anymore. I changed my life.

How do you prepare for something when you are not sure what needs to be changed? Maybe you already know and choose not to confront or acknowledge the issue. What got you to this realization is perhaps pending or post divorce stress, complacency in your marriage or relationships, lackluster career, or your determination to change your own personal image and outlook among other things. Maybe it’s all of the above. All in all, it’s your life and it’s holding you down. Time to turn a new leaf.

You may be just going through the motions in your life and it’s disheartening. You know this, but you still do it. Why? Maybe the change just means improving what you already have. You may want a new outlook on your existing surroundings. Change has many forms- its how you feel in the end is the desired outcome.

You wake up one day and determine you want to be happier. The pursuit of happiness is a well-documented quest of why, but how? We don’t need a Congressional document to understand it’s our God given right to be happy. He wants this for you and has his own document. Wouldn’t it be remarkable if you could feel and drive with purpose in your life?

It may look challenging on the surface, but with some soul searching and closer examination, I made change. Change is an acceptable occurrence. Once upon a time I was an engineer, then jumped to the business side of the house in providing business analysis until I gained the confidence to start my own company doing the same.

All the while during this process I: divorced, worked through the challenges of post divorce life, primarily raised four beautiful little girls, maintained my own personal life with three lengthy significant relationships (excluding another marriage and prompt annulment) until my recent engagement proposal to my beautiful fiancé.

Now, I’m sharing the wealth of knowledge I gained from all aspects of my life in a new book to be published 2013. I’ve changed again and I’m showing others how to rebuild…. And change. I’m not waiting for life to tell me when to change. I’m here to tell you the same.

Nothing quite prepares us for change, except change itself- it helps knowing taking the first step is the beginning of something bigger. Challenge plus change is growth in my opinion. I want to grow and be a better man always. Growth is good even when you can’t see it, but feel it.

The things, which will undoubtedly force most of us to change, are unfortunate- tragedy, divorce, loss, and unemployment are the common ones. Why can’t we instigate change in ourselves when we already know it’s necessary- before life dictates or hands us this lesson and we are unprepared.

We go though the motions knowing we are sinking, but until we dip below water level we won’t make a move to jump for air- to create change. Sometimes someone else makes the decision for us. Life can seem unjust- if only we could see through the murky waters and find our growth instantaneously. But then what would we have learned? In retrospect, you may not have realized you were suffocating before you went under. Breathe!

It’s when you are pushed against the wall and forced to make decisions that you will accept change as I did with my divorce. Why wait for that disaster? Why wait for when sink or swim are your only options? If you know you are running on a flat surface or you see the ground coming up on you, it’s time to take a renewed perspective on your situation.

Coasting can be fun when you want to sit back, get a good view and enjoy the scenery. You may also justify this type of complacency to absorb and reap the benefits of your hard work, accomplishments, and rewards. What happens when you have been viewing the same scenery for some time now?

If you let the road guide you or let the obstacles in your path steer you then life is dictating you instead of the other way around. Likewise, if you let the wind under your extended unflappable wings maintain your direction- you’ll inevitably have to come down soon, right?

I’m not opposed to letting Devine energy guide me. Sometimes I rely on letting things unfold in front of me when I don’t know the answer. If I don’t know the right direction at a crossroad, I’ll wait and feel a push and go with it. It's what is in between the crossroads that is my responsibility! I create these crossroads by moving, improving, creating, and changing. When coming to a juncture, I may let destiny show me its course.

Always having options in my life is what’s important. Change is inevitable. Preparing for change is accepting change is necessary and having courage to move forward. If you do the work, you’ll find your way. Opportunity will present itself- it does come knocking if you are listening. Don’t wait for change to come to you. Take the steps now, today, to improve your life and therefore those around you who matter most.

How do you prepare for something you are unsure? Take the first steps and let it unfold.

12 Tips To Help Build A Good Life After Divorce With Children

2012-09-26T13:06:00.000-06:00

One of the most difficult times you will ever endure in your life will be during this period. Going through my divorce with children tested every part of my being. While my divorce wasn't particularly nasty, it wasn't a walk in the park either. Unknown to me at the time was the real test hadn’t come yet. The larger ordeal would come after the divorce.

My priorities in my divorce were that personal time with my kids would not be jeopardized and that their needs would be met emotionally, financially, and physically. I received every weekend with my kids and a rotation of weekly individual date nights with my daughters. Soon, I added coaching and any other time I could find to be an integral part of their lives.

After a one-year separation, it took roughly an additional two years after divorcing to work through emotional healing, coping with challenges from their mom, and helping my children acclimate to
change. The following list reflects a compilation of what I learned and accomplished with my children over the first three years. Achieving this list wasn’t easy. It won’t be the end either- working through nonsense and staying your course is the important part, but the outcome is worth it.

One unforeseen benefit is the growth in your relationships with your children. It’s hard to see now, but the depth and awareness you find with your children will be profound. Years later when things got bad in their mothers household, I went to court and brought my children home fulltime. By this time, I shared mutual understanding, trust, love, and respect with my children. It was the points below, which got us there.

Here are the 12 points to success as you transition with your children.

1. Preparing for Change- life may look disheartening on the surface, but a little deeper, closer look and there’s more than meets the eye. Nothing quite prepares us for this period, but it’s best to do with integrity and dignity. It doesn’t matter how the ex responds to change. It’s now your life moving forward while you go solo.

2. New household status- means you’re the boss of your own domain now. If you haven’t realized this already, this is now the time to take notice. One of the benefits to new single status is doing things your way and for your kids- release the inner voice held over from your ex that says otherwise. Buying new furniture or moving furniture the way you like or buying food for your diet and your cooking preferences is the new you. Change it up!

3. Adjusting to new life- there may be many reasons for your breakup but that doesn’t matter anymore. The pains are still there which may drag up fears about your future, but you’re in a new place now with your new life and new heart- creating new habits, practices, and disciplines is your new norm. A good healthy distraction is your kids. Your children are your primary focus now along with you and career. They are depending on you now more than ever.

4. Integrating into your kid’s lives- regardless of your relationship prior to divorce, you have new opportunity to build deeper bonds merely from the additional individual closeness and time together- your consistency here will develop a connection naturally over time. This is irreversible. Eventually you will see how your relationships with your children deepen and you grow into a changed person with your new perspective.

5. Working past the ex, negativity, and games- this was your married life and maybe why you are now separated or divorced. No reason to amplify the negativity now. You went through the hassles of the divorce negotiations and that is now past, so don’t get entangled or prolong the anxiety. Don’t react, but rather respond. No matter what you hear through small lips, defuse immature tactics with your warm persona, hugs, kisses, and smile with your children. It’ll be hard to hear, among other things, but do this as a rule and show your loved one through example- no muss no fuss.

6. Moving forward- keep your eyes on the horizon toward your new goals and destination. If you put too much emphasis on the other camp or keep looking back, you’ll only distract yourself from what’s really important in front of you. Stay focused on your kids in your household. It doesn’t matter what the other party is doing or saying- play out your new life designed to benefit your children and you. Play by the rules and play nice with the ex- honor the decree and enforce when necessary. When it comes to holidays or that special parenting day comes around annually, be flexible.

7. Building structure- in the process of divorce things got a little confusing for everyone. Add stability back into your kid’s lives by developing and building a framework of consistency and predictability into your home life. Structure is vital to your child’s long-term emotional health. Allocate times for important milestones in your day- such as playtime, meals, homework, bath, bed, etc.

8. Developing rituals with your children- up for consideration is any set of a number of family rituals I developed here. As an example, Date nights, Sports, and Extracurricular or intellectual activities, are fantastic ways to build rapport with your children. You may consider coaching as I did.

9. Being a reliable resource – your kids will need you. Make your children a priority. Be there when they reach out. Share your intel: cell#, email, skype id, facetime id etc.. Communicate frequently and often with your children on your plans, travel, work, and schedule changes as though nothing has changed accept your living arrangements. Show through example, you will be there when needed. It may help to inform your work in advance you have a new household status and last minute notices may occur for daycare or school, etc as you adjust.

10. Teach your children well -- divorce isn’t the end of the world, obviously. It may bring fears and pains, though don’t let it project onto your kids. You are allowed to grieve as you accept the reality of your situation. However, your kids have so much more to learn from how you accept change and define your life as you move forward to a brighter, deeper, future together.

11. Staying positive – it will be difficult with hurt emotions while you grieve from loss or due to new transitions. Be selective when choosing your battles- look inward for insightful personal change and ownership. You will know when you are whole and complete again. It might not happen today or tomorrow, but you’ll feel it eventually if you employ many of the tricks and tips within.

12. Sticking with what works – trust your parenting. Identify with your personal and parental gifts. If you don’t know what those are, here are a few to consider- love, patience, hugs, smiles, positive notes, holding hands, cooking, learning together, growing together, taking ownership, leading by example, not playing the victim, humor, and thoughtful acts of kindness.

The other camp may not appreciate the bright spots you’ve developed with your children, but stay the course outlined above, disregard the nonsense, play nice, and everything will be ok.

My book, "Parenting After Divorce: Rebuilding Your Life and Reaffirming the Relationships that Matter", is based on these concepts and I developed an awareness program that supports the same strategies and philosophies to support and serve those in similar circumstances. You can learn more about this program here and provide input or feedback based on your very unique circumstances. Im available to visit your city with these program materials and a speaking engagement here.

Fearless in Love

2012-09-20T13:10:00.002-06:00

What is it about love that has us so? Love in our heart gives us this malleable nature within- an intrinsic ability to allow others to feel our imminence, sensitivity and kindness.

Its paradoxical how love heals, empowers, creates dreams, makes us do funny even downright goofy things, but when not handled properly can lead us astray and downright hurt.

Sharing our life and our heart brings its risks undoubtedly- we put our self out there with pure thoughts and expectations only to have our most treasured, protected and tendered area stepped on. You go the distance thinking your partner is there every step of the way and then boom; you get taken for a loop. No one likes to hit the recycle button.

It’s not easy moving forward in an environment unsympathetic to a yoyo stemmed life of drama, excitement, let downs, passion, setbacks, and bliss. The ups and downs or thrashing of emotions takes on symptoms of vertigo. But we do it.

It’s in our nature to accept challenges, learn from mistakes and misfortune, adapt, and forgive. We also learn from how we relate and the heart-filled joy we discover along the way. This is what keeps bringing us back. Love fills a void and expands the chest cavity. It feels good with its addictive spirit.

Love moves mountains- a cliché many of us have heard, some will inevitably experience. It’s that “Wow” factor. Love breaks down personal barriers, turns the stubborn into the tractable and the heartless into merciful. Just think what it could do for you. Love is a lot of things but most would place its meaning in commitment, intimacy, chemistry, attachment, caring, patience, kindness, affection, compassion, and selflessness.

Where is your love? Are you happy in love or part of the malcontent in perpetual groan? Perhaps you are in the middle somewhere investigating something new or maybe searching. That covers the broadband area in terms of relationships and love. Which one describes you?

I have a hypothesis. If you are the wonderful things you feel, and you are not getting the results you desire whether you are in a relationship or not, it may be time to start your life. You say you have a life, vehemently! I’m saying, move forward with you, your plans, and give yourself consent to allow things to happen and the result may just be everlasting.

These are the personal traits, which attract us initially at first glance: confidence, attitude, purpose or direction, and your beautiful smile. If you are doing the things you really enjoy, living a life filled with substance outside of work and family, your perception of self will change, and your attitude and outlook as perceived by others will follow.

Get out. Achieve the things you never had time. Make a list of at least 10 things you know you would enjoy- don’t think just write. Now review your list in no particular order. What are the two things that stand out the most? Do them. That’s your start.

Choose items you know you would enjoy now, today- perhaps things you procrastinated on, never had the money, miss as a favorite past-time, or maybe even dreamed about when you were younger.

Here’s a highlight of where I’m going:

1. If you are looking for love or wanting love in your current relationship, look inward. The evaluation there is what will get you where you want to go.

2. By finding and adding more substance in your life, you will achieve bigger personal growth. John Lennon had a saying, “ Life happens when you are making other plans.”

3. Stop doing the same things over again wishing for a hit.

4. Relationships that develop and grow organically are ideal.

5. Start your life and maybe life will start for you.

Outside of relationships, you may be happy alone raising your children. Who needs anyone else disturbing your utopia- you’ve got this just the way you want it, no need to have someone come in with their wrecking ball disguised as a wedding bell.

You can be content managing your priorities in your life and not bothering with the significance in relationships. I planned and executed a sabbatical free from intimate relationships once upon a time- there are many benefits to having this life. Eventually I found what I wanted, learned more about myself, and allowed myself to love again, personally.

If you are happy in love or going about it solo by choice, good for you! I’m happy for you and your bliss. If you are not content or satisfied with your love life, it may be for several reasons and I can help you prepare and achieve the next chapter in your life.

If you are investigating or in the discovery/ beginning stages of a relationship but have certain fears about how it is going, I can help with understanding fearless in love.

If you are searching endlessly for your match there’s hope. You may have tried everything- online, clubs, gyms, blind dates, friends, group meet-ups, and the Starbucks line, even the produce section in the local grocery. Personally, I don’t know what it is about the bread aisle.

My theory, in a nutshell, is if you work on you, your new priorities, your goals and your objectives and make those things your primary focus to achieve as part of your growth, things will happen for the better in many different capacities on many different platforms. Your growth leads to your potential. Control your destiny, be fearless in love ...and smile.

Where is your love?

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a Rebuilding Coach and Expert and soon to be published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

-photo credit: neloqua/ Flickr

Fearless in Divorce

2012-09-13T13:06:00.000-06:00

I read somewhere courage is fear with a lot of prayers. One thing I hear more, from others in the throes of marital transition, is fear of what the other will say in divorce proceedings and what will the judge think.

I say, give more credit to the judicial system. Staying focused on your gifts as a parent and sustaining a consistent, safe, loving and predictable environment for your child will win more hearts including the judge’s. This is the foundation on which to build your platform for a new and everlasting bond with your kids. Your kids will be depending on you.

I never went to court during my divorce since I negotiated out of court. In hindsight now that I’m older and wiser, that should have been a deeper consideration. If I felt comfortable with my relationship in my kids and my parenting skills, I should have let the judge review my situation in person.

Eventually, I went back and won custody and brought my kids home fulltime. I didn’t need a lawyer, but I had one anyway and I sought several opinions. Personally, I recommend seeking and talking to 5-6 lawyers quite honestly. That may just mean you’ll receive 5-6 different opinions and that’s why you seek so many. What’s important to you will surface.

Divorce can bring up all kinds of emotions regardless of whether you are the one filing. The very thought of being on your own without your kids, if even temporarily, can be upsetting. Thoughts of
whether it’s wise and just stay in the marriage may linger. Should I work it out? Should I leave my spouse? Thoughts and confusion will deepen your angst of whether you are doing the right thing.

Heartache is going to happen if you decide to separate. You may already be there. Weighing your life in the situation and how to move forward while impacting others around you, including your kids and partner, is the highest consideration on your mind right now.

If you are thinking about the kids already you are on the right mark. That’s where your focus should be in this precarious place. Before you pull the trigger on separation, whether it’s cordial or not with your spouse, get ready for the rollercoaster of a lifetime.

If you are communicating with your partner, then working an agreement or arrangement out in advance or even filing the papers together is wise and has long-term healthy emotional, and financial benefits. Bringing your file to a lawyer for review is prudent. If additional time with your kids is your priority, bring it to court.

If you and your spouse have agreed mutually on your split, moving forward and letting go of the past is the best advice anyone can give you. Finding harmony and balance is your new standard.

If your new household status is not mutual, or at least not amicable, for any reason, forget about your ex-partner’s actions or words. Separation hurts and it sucks for both of you, but your next steps could save you and your kids more heartache in the long run.

Fighting and arguing with your spouse is real money. Time costs money. Ego and scorned love is money. The best alternative- think of the kids and move on. Focus on the kids, your gifts as a parent, and your new household. Emotions are exhausting.

Accepting your new life’s twists and turns will prepare you for change and challenge, which by the way results in growth. Your growth translates harmoniously into your child’s outlook and therefore their lives. You may not be seeing it now, but your new life may just make you happy again.

Get as much time you can warrant in your kids lives. Children need both their parents more than ever right now. While it may be hard to understand initially, your kids love both of you regardless of how dire the circumstances or who screwed up.

When committed to divorce, here is your new strategy for you and your children:

First order of business, learn to ignore the chatter. What you hear through small lips is not important- it doesn’t change the fact you are a loving caring person who holds the best interests of your children and their hearts. Look beyond the adversity. What you hear through adult lips shouldn’t matter either. Additionally, a great division of friends will occur regardless of your feelings or outcome of the divorce. Let it go.

Second, take ownership of the issues you need to work on and do them privately. There’s no need to include the children. Allow the children to see you own your issue and that you will work through it- that you know they see your pain, but you can fix it. Moreover, your children can focus on being kids more without carrying the burden or anxiety they see in their mom or dad.

Third, understanding your roles/ responsibilities. They are the same as before – its only that the living arrangements have changed should be your child’s new perspective. The relationship as provider, caregiver, loving bond, and general support doesn’t change. Even more so, great consideration should be made for improvement to these areas now.

Fourth, keep moving is imperative. It won’t be easy and there will be days that you won’t want to leave your bedside. Start the healing process and grieve, but find ways to keep yourself up and about. Start organizing and re-prioritizing your life- cleanup the mess both literally and figuratively. Finding and maintaining healthy distractions is now your new norm. Placing energy in your child’s well-being while all parties adjust is a good form of healthy.

Fifth, staying positive. Easier said than done, but looking back will only make you dizzy. Keeping your mind and eyes peeled on the horizon is now your new motivation. Once you have started to balance well on your own feet, start setting targets for the new life that waits.

Sixth is self-compassion- a sort of “…antitoxin to the soul.” Be easier on your self. Don’t beat yourself up. Rather understand life can be your teacher and will throw you hard lessons, but understand you have limits, you are not perfect, you are only human, and there is Devine passage to the next chapter in your life. God is looking after you.

Courage is fear with a lot of prayers. Separation leading to divorce is an anxious and stressful time for not only you, but those around you. Emotions will be riding high- pace yourself, allow acceptance of self, and trust in your ability to be a remarkable parent. Your gifts as a parent are weighing most in the lives around you. Build your platform for an eternal bond with your kids. Your kids are depending on you.

Bruce Buccio resides in Colorado, USA, is a Rebuilding Coach and soon to be published Author. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

-photo credit: Jeremy1786/ Flickr

The Season For Love Is Changing

2012-09-07T11:44:00.000-06:00

In case you haven’t noticed, the holidays are approaching and you know what that means- the season for love is changing. With the entire summer season quickly becoming a distant memory, those flying solo know, consciously or otherwise, the parade of holidays is just over the horizon- the gamut of dates through winter which insight emotions about being alone or without love.

No one enjoys returning to family on festive holidays without someone in tow- a kind of shield if you will. Lets admit having someone on our arm helps deflect the questioning and certain glances we could do without. You know the ones that say, the poor so-and-so has no one in their life- as if we cant take care of our self or be alone and still be happy.

Notice I didn’t say lonely because there is a difference. Still, it can be a tough road into
Holiday Town without someone to share the festivities. The lull before the parade of dates gives us an opportunity to fill the void with a love-interest. Labor Day to Thanksgiving is almost a three-month head start.

Dating can be a scary thought- especially for the mildly active. If you’re not one for getting out by choice, getting back on or even staying on what appears to be this lumbering saddle can be intimidating. We can be happy right where we are and still have no desire or motivation to date. After all, there’s no need to date when its all wrong.

I myself planned a two-year sabbatical free from intimate relationships during a period in my life from 2007-2008. It was personal time for reflection. It helped. I describe in detail this period in my life in the post, 8 Keys to Finding Harmony and Balance. During this time I focused on my kids, my career and me- in that order.

In summary, I had reached the 10-year mark from my divorce and had just ended a significant relationship. I took a step back and reviewed the picture I created. In the end, I came away a new man. If there is one sole item I walked away with, it's relationships with people is all that we need no matter what level- that love isn’t as important if you love yourself.

For some of us intimacy is the icing we’d like to put aside because we know its not good for us right now. And that’s ok.

On the flip side, some of us parents date more often thinking we need to have another person in our lives for our children. I did that early on. For some reason I felt it was necessary for my children to see their dad in a loving relationship and with a woman who could act as a significant role model. After all a man cant perform both functions as parents- I’ll admit while in hindsight my kids and I did just fine, there are some attributes we can't fake.

One interesting element to dating as a parent is the children on either side of the partnership. I don’t believe its wise to bring children into the picture until you’ve reached a certain plateau with the other person in your life.

I learned from my own personal experiences that 3-6 months is a good gauge for introducing the children and only when exclusive with the other party. Meeting my children was a privilege I held close.

During the trials of dating I subjected myself from the moving-way-to-fast to the inexplicable and why-am-I-doing-this. Regardless, I always stayed true when it came to my children. My kids met three women, maybe four over the 10 years following my divorce. In the interims, I kept my personal life private and my kids were always my priority.

Relationships are vital to our well-being. It doesn’t matter what level we share with others. Relations with friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, even acquaintances help us learn about ourselves.

There’s so much to gain by reaching out through extended areas of our lives. When generating opportunity for being with others in School, Career, Hobbies, Sports, etc…. something deeper may just happen by natural progression. That’s significant and even ideal in my opinion.

From my own personal experiences dating post-divorce (even slipping in a marriage and then prompt annulment) over 13 years until I engaged with my own proposal to a beautiful and intelligent woman earlier this year, here are some thoughts to consider.

1. Meeting your children is a privilege

2. Use the 3- 6 mos rule to gauge when to enter the kids

3. Only engage the children after your relationship is exclusive

4. No ring engagements or proposals for at least one year

5. Wait two years before marriage

6. Three years and no proposal is a bust if its not mutual

7. You’ll know by two years

8. Dating after 40 has a whole set of new rules

9. Inappropriate age- quick and fast rule is half your age +7

10.Friendship is the foundation to all things good

Bruce is a Rebuilding Coach. Today, he writes primarily inspired by experiences raising his children, but also writes about inspiration, growth, and love.

Where's My Daddy?

2012-08-20T16:18:00.001-06:00

VaughanVisions / Flickr

Recently I was inspired by another blogger’s entry about a mom’s submission on her three year old daughter’s question. I’ve been seeing more on this topic raised around the blogosphere, support groups, and medical advice web pages. Mothers asking what do I do when my child asks this question. Unbeknown to the child, it flares up all kinds of emotions in the single mom.

In the cases I’ve read, the very young child usually about three or four witnesses other dads either with extended family or at daycare. Its here, that the child will hear
the name “daddy” and see this unusual transaction with another significant person, a man.

Trying to imagine what goes through the little mind and heart of a child at this juncture and at this age gets me, perhaps the little one surmising, ok when does my “daddy” come for me? Why don’t I have someone to call “daddy?” Finally submitting to mom, Where is my daddy?

Today overall, four out of every ten children are born to unwed moms across all age groups. Once upon a time teen moms held the highest percentage of newborns out of wedlock. Now, more than half of all children in this category are born to women in their twenties, according to a recent U.S. Consensus, and the numbers are rising. Its not just in the U.S. either, in some countries in Europe the statistics are even higher.

The mothers of these internet submissions knew the day would come when their child would be curious—just not this early and were blind sided. The question from small lips inevitably raises more hopeless questions, Where did I go wrong?, Did I do the right thing? In these cases, the father either wasn’t interested, wasn’t aware, or bailed before the child could know the difference.

Mothers are left asking should I have told the father or should I have done something differently. Shuffling moms are alone holding the burden of answering with accountability to a language-limited child--role reversal in its greatest form.

Why don't bio dads see or understand the complexity and repercussions their decisions have on others? Why is it ok to walk away? Why cant men hold themselves accountable? Stuff happens. Men receive challenges of all shapes and sizes all of the time. We normally and not surprisingly seize the moment and conquer.

In these cases, the males are involved in a transaction and now there is new life. Who is responsible for allowing their luxury to turn face? Its too easy, in my mind. Who is holding these males accountable? I like to imagine the same young child holding the unsuspecting guy with the bio credentials accountable after the about face-- small child to father:

What was more important that you walked away?
Why couldn’t we have grown together?
What did you substitute for my hugs and my love?
What did I do?
All I needed was your acceptance and approval.

I describe in my blog, “What it means to be a father”, how having a child will inevitably change a man. It’s about understanding someone is relying on you for his or her very existence. Having the backbone to stand up and doing the right thing will favor the father in more ways than he would ever know. In this post, I distinguish being a dad forever changes a man.

It begs the question, What are you afraid of? I wish I could gather all the young mothers and fathers and their parents. Yes, the grandparents. If I had a son who submitted to creating new life, I would prepare to support my son for what would be the best thing of his life— even if he couldn’t see or understand the difference. I’d be with him every step of the way.

For the group, I’d speak about the positive and purify the negative. I would mention to our parents-to-be that with change and challenge comes growth. This is one area you cannot sidestep. With all risk come consequences. I would help in understanding that with a child, a parent’s time and love is profound. Innocent lives are at stake. This isn’t a time and place to be ambivalent.

This problem is a two-headed monster. I read blog posts from women asking for advice on whether to tell the father about the pregnancy. I can see the women have a conscience and foresee the child’s curiosity, questioning and need. They want to act on what their conscience is telling them, yet I read advice from other women to not tell the father—that it will only add trouble and conflict.

When we submit this advice, whom are we really thinking about? Who is really gaining and whom are we cheating? Within reason, the question really should be how to negotiate the father into the picture for the child. Having a father in the picture changes the outlook and life of a child. Dads play a pivotal role in a child’s development. Fathers are important to a child’s well being. Children who have two participating parents and active father have fewer behavioral problems whether the parents are together or not. Fathers are equally important as the mother. Who is sharing this with the pregnant mom?

For the cases where the father’s presence would be menacing, where there are voids there is resolution. Men don’t necessarily need the bio credentials to be a good man or to be a dad in a child’s life. Other men can provide the same love and attention to acceptance and approval of a child. Engaging our children within good healthy and secure boundaries with other men (whether or not the mom is in a relationship) at a very early age will gain dividends for all involved.

A single mom’s heartbroken submission inspired me. Thinking about her three year old daughter’s inquiry clearly impacted me. Indeed, if I had witnessed the mother-daughter transaction first hand, my impulses would have instigated without preservation, “I’m your daddy.” Young men and women should be accountable for their actions and their elders should be providing guidance. Consider your father’s absence— completely remove him from the picture and tell me how would you foresee your life? Children deserve a daddy.

What Goes Into Raising A Champion?

2012-08-01T14:37:00.000-06:00

inspir8tion / Flickr

What does raising a champion mean? The same question may be asked-- who will have an impact on your child while he/she is growing up? What influences will you allow or require? You may have heard a popular adage stated over time, the omnipresent, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Consider these groups who may inspire your little champion:

· Parents

· Grandparents

· Extended Family

· Coaches

· Teachers

· Siblings

· Friends (parental or personal)

· Ministers, Pastors, People of faith

· God Parents

· Community leaders and volunteers

· A whole host of athletes, media and celebrity figures

· The many more who enter with a single thoughtful act

More influences mean more opportunity, in my opinion. Eventually its only natural we grab and hold onto dearly what matches our passion and therefore our appetite. I feel this
impacts us as adults too and we can also learn from this. It’s never too late to become a champion.

The bottom line is, kids need our guidance and support. More angles from different groups may equate to more chances for your little one to have a champion size outlook. The “Village” support system comes into play to raise the spirits of our young, but also when rejection or failure will inevitably happen. And it will.

When we have children were we really thinking about a plan in raising our little one? Did we foresee what our child would dream? I don’t recall thinking too far down the line. Life had its own challenges in my young twenties I hope we all can respect and understand—personally I was thinking more like don’t mess this up and just keeping the new one safe, healthy, and happy.

My only discussion and subsequent request with my kid’s mom, before my first-born arrived, was with disciplining methods. Other than that we just went with our gut. I think with our first we tended to be more rigid which may be a natural response since we were trying to figure out what it meant to be an exceptional parent.

What would life be without a child’s embrace or a shared moment in bliss with your little one? Through out our young lives we dream, grow, fall in love, get married, and witness arguably life’s greatest joy—the birth of a child. For some maybe not in that order, but we cannot deny our children are at the heart of all things good starting with their birthday.

Thinking back, how would I get past without all those tiny “deer kisses”, smiles and giggles. I reminisce about walking hand in hand, talking, their dependence on me for answers to life’s little questions, and playing together learning together-- today I still see the little girl in all of my grown daughters.

From breathing in our new child’s first breaths to raising our loved ones into adulthood, we run with our natural talent. We learned together with our first child providing a healthy, loving surrounding. With more children, we figured out what’s important with what works and what doesn’t mainly from what we learned with the first.

As my daughters were born into this world, to the tune of about one every two years on average over a six-year period, we tended to let go of some things as we became more comfortable with our selves as parents. Besides, who has the time to institute all forms of discipline with four little ones? As long as we were consistent was our priority.

My children are destined for something remarkable. They are all champions with a champion sized outlook in my very biased opinion, though to their credit mainly due to the number of accomplishments they have endured. Each will live out their destiny in their own special way.

I share, in part, my journey and discovery with an extract from a previous post, 5 Staples To Nurturing Your Child’s Independence, “I thought about a good balance of clearly stated, high demands with emotional responsiveness and respect for my child's autonomy. I would promote an atmosphere where I could teach values and good virtue. I would make my children a priority and I never waivered from this approach…”

Another post from my blog’s archive, Strengthening Your Child In the Eye Of Challenge, I share examples of their challenges and the importance we all play in their guidance and support and therefore in their success, “They are designing their own path in this world, chasing their own dreams, and following their own instincts.

The responsibility I accept with each of my children is in conscious decisions to ask good pertinent and intelligent questions. Their response may in effect raise more questions, but their answer isn’t as important as much as their own insight, awareness, and perspective on the issue. I think the best way to help your child is to love them, nurture them, and help channel their energies.

Other considerations, which may impact your child’s destiny or path, are negative consequences we have no control over. Divorce happens. Families split up. Blended families may come together, but these times are important to not overlook these effects on our children and to keep them moving toward their personal goals.

Depending on our outlook, those negatives may have positive results if handled properly. I tried not to let divorce affect my kids—allowing them to still see the beauty in the world even when things weren’t going so well under the surface.

In more recent times economic crisis may impact our children. Parents lose jobs. Families may have to move for financial security as a result. Cut backs on luxuries to our children may be imminent.

Accepting things happen for a reason and bigger things will follow if we stay positive will benefit, though I completely understand the test. Its hard. I express to my kids-- go after the dream or interest, and if its meant to be, things will fall into place to make it happen. But it all starts with each of them.

Raising a champion comes from several forms. More influences will filter into passions and the desire to chase dreams. Kids can’t do it alone – they need our guidance and support. Children will grasp onto what will inevitably make them a champion in their own right. Each child may have Olympic size results only just without the medal and publicity. And that’s ok with me.

Home Is Where The Heart Is

2012-07-19T12:32:00.001-06:00

Take me home / Per Foreby

It’s hard to believe this proverb stated originally so long ago could have so much significance today. Credited for this maxim is roman naval commander and naturalist, Pliny the Elder. Formerly Gaius Plinius Secundus, (23 AD – 79 AD), this elder is also credited for these sayings: “From the end spring new beginnings”, “The only certainty is that nothing is certain”, and my personal favorite, “Hope is the pillar that holds up the world. Hope is the dream of a waking man.”

It seems befitting to me that a naval officer would have a keen idea of where and what home means. Any persons who spend their livelihood leaving for extended periods of time and returning home time and again would perhaps be the most understanding on
this subject. Surely in his context, he yearned for a place he wanted to return.

Often translated “Family is where the heart is”, the original proverb identifies that with where there is love and acceptance, is also your home. Your home is wherever or whatever place you long to be- a place where there is no judgment, only solace. This really encompasses home as the place you love most whether it’s with ones embrace, in your current domain or in your collective memory.

Home is resonating within me. I moved my family recently. That’s where Ive been for the better part of last month. I sold the home I grew most fond of and marvel at raising my children. Parting ways with something that’s been a profound aspect of your life isn’t easy. Its done and gone, but not the images or the feelings.

This is the home where I put the most energy. I built the deck and regenerated the landscape. I painted the entire home myself to relive the time when my father did the same to our New Jersey home- back when I was a young impressionable teenager watching him on a tall ladder. On my home, I rediscovered and relived my past only in my father’s shoes. I walked away with more than I anticipated- a way of bringing him back in my life to be with him, if only temporarily.

We’ll always remember our childhood home and the vast memories of the times that shaped us. There, we were molded into who we are today. Our more recent decisions and defining moments are influenced by moments from our childhood. What ever it is, I return to where I grew up time and again, even if its in my reminiscence.

To some, home is wherever it is you are. No matter where you end up, this is home. Recently, many families endured loss in the Colorado fires that killed six and burned over 600 homes combined- nearly 350 homes lost in only three of the many fires that ravaged the state over the last month. Most of those fires are completely contained, but the many displaced families will need to reconstruct their lives by rebuilding, losing many of the priceless and invaluable possessions they cannot replace including life. God bless them.

An anonymous displaced person once said, “I’m with my family and therefore I am home-my home is where my family is.” While in this case the author may have been temporarily homeless, regardless of hardships we endure or challenges we take on, we can always return home to our family- it’s the one place no one would turn you back- the smiles and exchange which allow us to be us without judgment or discipline. I can pray and only imagine with grief what homes the Colorado families are clinging. Their lives forever changed. Where there is challenge, we will endure. It’s in our nature.

You can pick up and go and create your home anywhere and with whomever, though you remember your roots always. It stays with you. If we don’t know our origin how do we exist? Why are we where we are? If we don’t know where we came from how do we know where we are going? Every once in a while we need to look back and gauge our distance and right our path.

While migrating birds and fish return seasonally to their natural and original habitat, regardless of the infinite miles between, new life and new cycles will result. If only in our minds we creep back in time to our beginnings, we can still identify with our roots. The families that lost their homes in Colorado fires would be seemingly starting a new life and creating new cycles.

Going home may conjure up so much from our past, including fears and pains, but if we couldn’t handle them why would we be returning. Driving or flying home for the holidays may return the memories and create new ones. Our past is lodged securely in our minds. We smile, or maybe grimace, but it’s a part of us and we accept it. Sometimes, returning heals and allows us to let go. Either way growth is inevitable.

Although home could represent an exact place or time in our lives, past or present, you will always return home. For instance, I left the New Jersey home my father painted thinking I would never return. Eventually one day while travelling with my young children there I was pointing to the home where I spent my glorious teens. While your dreams and passions will lift you to new destinations, you will always come back to where you started. If you haven’t, think about and consider. If not for you, then for your children.

Musicians often relay a place and time that may have inspired a dream. In Michael Buble’s song, "Home"- his 2005 lyrics he mellows, “I know just why you could not come along with me 'cause this was not your dream, But you always believed in me”- he characterizes chasing what he believed in but conveys in his message he always recognized where he started and with who.

In Chris Daughtry’s Home – he brims in his 2007 lyrics, “…Im going to a place where love and feeling good don’t ever cost a thing... Im going home back to a place where I belong and where your love has always been enough for me…”- Chris characterizes in his song that even after succeeding in his dream (and getting more than he wished for), there is no place where he can substitute the love he identified with where you know people who will always believe in you.

In Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros Home and it’s subtitle, “… Home is wherever I'm with you”, their 2010 original shouts- “I was falling deep, deep in love with you, and I never told you till just now! Home, let me come home, home is wherever I'm with you.” Alex Ebert, the group’s creator characterizes home and therefore loves expression as being with another.

The redundant and viral sensation in, A father daughter duet , Jorge and Alexa Narvaez recreate Edward Sharpe’s Home. You cant help but smile through this pair's exchanges and sentiment.

The ancient author, Pliny the Elder, yearned for a place he wanted to return and came away with identifying home is where his heart was and longed to be. This strikes a chord and brings me back to a place in time, but lands me right where I am. I’ve spent a generation developing and building a home for my children. Where there is love is where we all long to be- time to come home.

Finally, I’ll leave you with the Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora 2005 song, “ Who Says You Can’t Go Home”, says it all with Jennifer Nettles of Sugarland fame. The lyrics, “It doesn't matter where you are, it doesn't matter where you go If it's a million miles away or just a mile up the road, Take it in, take it with you when you go, who says you can't go home”, characterize and identify community with going home to where it all started, never forgetting where and with who we dreamed.

Celebrating Fathers Day- What it means to be a Father

2012-06-11T11:57:00.003-06:00

Dads are King of the Mountain / Jennifer Cawley

Lets just move to the point. Being a dad is a blessing. For most fathers I don’t need to explain. Its difficult putting the right words together expressing to dads-to-be or childless men what it means to be a father. How do you explain to someone who has never had the connection or the feeling developed between a father and his child? There is no other encounter one can match to identify with this experience. It doesn’t exist.

When a child loves you unconditionally and depends on you for their very existence, it forever changes a man. By building a relationship with your child, you learn some very important attributes about being a gentle giant.

More than any sport, exercise or workout regimen, or career, a man will learn endurance, staying power, strength, resilience, determination, and fortitude. More than football, rugby, and ice hockey, or even a mountain climb, a child will test your very limits without trying or knowing. You can hang
up your cleats or skates and return to action another time, but not with your infant.

Having a child for the first time challenges a man’s stamina- his heart, backbone, and mindset. This conversion will turn the biggest and strongest of men into caring, gentle, and sensitive beings with their new bundle. The event separates the men from the boys.

Being a father isn’t innate, in my opinion, like a mother’s native instinct to her newborn- this is a very natural and wholesome bond. A new infant equals instant connection to her/his mother. There’s no middle step.

New dads have to work at it through trial and error and progression. Some dads are naturals and very fortunate – perhaps having good parents, family, and community to help mold him into the man he is today. Even this is no guarantee he’ll be a good dad.

Being a father isn’t just for anyone. Too often some just turn their backs. Where are they going? Perhaps by walking away some may speculate is better for the child in the long run. Negatives in a child’s life would be worse than nothing at all, in my opinion. It’s crucial for children to have fathers in their lives, though. Some never get it. They are too weak to comprehend the magnitude of their decision.

Some dads just accept they are in over their heads and never rebound. You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. Unfortunately, others give up before they even start. Imagine their growth and mutual benefit if they didn’t walk away. For all the ones who walk, I hope there is another who steps up.

You don’t have to help in a child’s conception to be a good dad. You can still show a child how awesome and approve of with loving acceptance without the bio credentials. Your support in raising a child could make all the difference in a child’s outlook and life.

Regardless of childhood or past experiences, you can tell a good dad right away just by his attempt. Being a good dad starts with self-discipline and desire to be the one who counts. Yes, lives are counting on you.

There may not be enough room here to express what it means to me about being my kids’ dad. I have grown to understand my children. They are a part of me. Our relationship started in the middle of the night next to their crib- holding, swaying, whispering, humming, etc.

Our connection grew through feedings, diaper changes, and early Saturday mornings so their mother could sleep in. Just for the record, I slept in on Sunday mornings. We worked like a wrestling tagging team- how else could you conquer four little ones?

Beyond self-discipline and desire came preservation, courage, and self-effacing acts of kindness. I embrace their young hearts in lieu of their experience- I know I can make mistakes too.

I love my kids even if it means being stern and stubborn for their own good. Every step I utilize has some benefit to my children even if they don’t see through it or understand it initially. I stand my ground knowing when they have their own kids, they will get it.

What I enjoy most about being a dad is developing their dependence into independence. I mentor, respond, show through example, provide through structure and consistent discipline. We explored together, learned together. I did my best to bring the outside world to them through new experiences and family rituals.

We touched on sports and academia, chased personal interests, and explored our geographical surroundings and beyond to four corners of the US. Regardless of the landscape, we worked together as a team and learned something about ourselves in the process. We are teachers and mentors.

Without children who would we be? What man would exist where we stand right now? Raising a child teaches us who we are and what defines us. It helps us move beyond our limits and stand at the edge. You can take all the personal achievements in the world strewn with awards, trophies, medals, career promotions, peer accolades, and financial reward- I can vouch, nothing bests the relationships and qualities you gain as a father.

For all the good ones, I raise my glass and I salute you. Happy Fathers Day!