My Personal Journey of Grief and Healing

Memorial Day Memories

2011-05-30T10:50:00.001-04:00

Today marks a day of remembrance in the States of all of those in the military who have sacrificed their lives for freedom. A tradition since the end of the Civil war.

In recent years their numbers grow daily.

When tragedy strikes and civilians lose their lives in any circumstance, it seems appropriate to remember them on this day as well.

Honoring the memory of each individual means living the most honorable, love-filled life one possibly can, expressing gratitude for each day as it unfolds . . . .

Time Allows Healing

2011-05-15T13:24:00.005-04:00

Twenty two months have passed since I last saw my mother and soon it will be two years.

One year ago today I was hiking the Seven Sisters in England and wrote about this experience on my return; however, I was unable to post in my blog on the ten month anniversary of her death.

This had been the first time I did not write here on the fifteenth of the month.

Each of those first twelve months it was important for me to do so, as that gesture enabled healing to occur.

In spite of moments of sadness, I now feel at peace.

In fact, I have a new mantra that assists my inner journey to that place where I am most comfortable . . . Peace, love, joy . . . the sea is calm.

Mothers

2011-05-05T16:06:00.002-04:00

Sunday is Mother's Day in this part of the world, at least it is one day set aside each year to celebrate one's mother.

For men, there is also Father's Day in June to return the favour!

There are probably as many different types of mothers as there are women on this planet.

Unfortunately, not all are the nurturers one hopes would conjure warm and fuzzy feelings at the mere thought of them.

All are human to be sure, with the frailties that state of being brings.

Some women have been fortunate to have had an excellent role model in their own childhood, and they become 'naturals' it seems in the realm of motherhood.

Others become parents accidentally and are ill-prepared for the lifelong task.

Most fall somewhere between the two extremes.

Those who embrace the role passionately, usually thirst for knowledge and spend countless hours learning all they can with respect to raising children.

When there are past unresolved childhood issues, these can surface, most at a subconscious level, as mothers guide or merely observe their boys and girls as they enter each stage of development.

Opportunities for personal growth are afforded when this happens, or conversely unconscious inner turmoil can create trauma influencing parenting decisions affecting their children.

Now that I am a mature woman with adult children of my own, I recognize that my mother was an individual who did her best with what she knew while raising me and my siblings.

In her elder years before her death, my mother's youthful personality came to light after years of being submerged while caring for others.

She was of a generation of women who believed caregiver was mostly synonymous with martyr.

Fortunately I learned the fallacy of this belief, although not before experiencing some of its negative consequences.

Self-caring is what enables one to be a healthy caregiver.

Whatever type of mother one has/had, the most important reason to celebrate Mother's Day is to express gratitude for the woman who brought a life into this world &/or the woman who parented that individual, you!

Devastation South of My Border

2011-04-28T11:15:00.001-04:00

With all of the grief that my American friends are experiencing in the states, I want to acknowledge these losses.

My heart goes out to you. My prayers are with all of you.

Many tragedies are occurring worldwide. All are important and deserve our reflection and assistance in whatever way we are able to do that.

Balancing all of this devastation is the excitement and happiness of The Royal Wedding about to take place Friday in London, England.

The global community needs to balance tears with laughter, just as each of us benefit from doing this individually.

When directly in the midst of horror it is impossible to find this balance ourselves, and it is the responsibility of each one of us to provide comfort and support to others even if only in the gesture of sending positive, healing thoughts . . . .

April Snow Showers as Easter Approaches

2011-04-20T18:13:00.001-04:00

Disheartening that it snowed here yesterday.

Of course, that is nothing compared to the devastating losses incurred from a bombardment of tornadoes in North Carolina and across several states recently.

Everything in this life is relative and fleeting.

Unpredictable to say the least!

In this part of the world, the rhyme 'April showers bring May flowers' is replaced with 'April snow showers bring . . . . '

Uncertainty or at least delayed growth.

Embracing each moment while treasuring one another seems the most uplifting course to take as Easter approaches.

The anticipation of resurrected life that this time of year signifies, be it through our Lord as a Christian or spring renewal as a naturalist, brings a hopeful attitude to all, which creates a certainty that life will unfold as it is intended and the cycle will continue . . . .

Spring Fever, Mud Hikes, Air Strikes

2011-03-20T18:28:00.002-04:00

First day of Spring according to the Vernal Equinox, although the temperature is off the mark.

Not long from now, the air, as it warms, will carry all of the sweet scents of this season.

Unlike yesterday, when my mud hike through the Rouge Valley, although sunny, was accompanied by a very cold wind chill.

My group encountered ice-covered trails mixed with mud-covered ice boulders, and bogs of thick muddy clay forests to negotiate.

As I navigated an outdoor obstacle course, our allied forces with UN sanction were conducting air strikes to implement a no-fly zone over Libya.

More lives will be lost in the quest to ultimately stop the genocide the Libyan dictator is perpetrating on his own people.

Quite the opposite from the peaceful revolution scenario that unfolded not too long ago in Egypt.

And then of course, there is the grave situation in Japan.

When I absorb the grief in this world, I become like a sponge, and I can no longer function normally. The heaviness of it all weighs me down.

Laughter does not come easily, nor does sleep.

My body, mind and emotions are exhausted. Restlessness stirs me to find healing.

It is time to seek the sea, sand and sun which will enable me to transition from winter to spring.

As smooth grains of sand caress my feet while soothing waves serenade my soul and warm sunlight bathes my being, I will listen to the inner voice that can only be heard in the stillness.

Sexual Assault Exemplifies Human Tragedy

2011-02-18T12:17:00.002-05:00

For a few days I have been digesting the frightening reality of the brutal sexual assault on Lara Logan that took place in Egypt recently.

As I listened to a local news anchor reporting this story, my first gut reaction was tears.

I cried for this young woman's pain and her traumatic journey to recovery that she must now endure.

I cried for all women everywhere. I cried for men. I cried for the human race.

I have watched this reporter on '60 minutes'. Her beautiful spirit shone through her professionalism.

She, along with too many women to count, is now scarred for the rest of her life. The scars may not be visible, but rather hidden, influencing her behaviour in perhaps subtle ways.

She is now a survivor of 'war'. Just as veterans suffer with post traumatic stress, she will be changed forever. Hopefully, she will learn to overcome the most debilitating of these after-effects.

Far too long in this world, women have been viewed as expendable objects.

Our struggle as women to become 'human beings' in the eyes of men, so that we could vote and have legal rights as they do, rather than be seen as their 'property', is well documented throughout history.

We have come far, especially in North America, yet have so much further to go.

Sometimes I fear we are our own worst enemies. Our competitiveness with one another at times overshadows our common human goal.

There are countless ways women undermine themselves by 'selling' themselves sexually in the media and in society.

"The oldest 'profession' in the world" is how prostitution is portrayed to attempt to justify its existence.

Women who 'buy' into this myth are perpetuating the very idea that female bodies are objects to be bought and sold, rather than celebrated and honoured.

Men who value women as the 'closest to God they will get here on earth', must be crying as well.

These men do not use or abuse, but rather respect and at times revere women. They embody the spirit of love.

The plight of women is highlighted when a high profile person is victimized.

I pray that with God's help Lara Logan will heal, enabling her to be a 'strong' voice in the future to affect positive change for us all.

The world will then be a little better place after this tragedy than before it.

Memories

2011-02-15T15:51:00.001-05:00

Not eighteen months, one month shy, no more in fact. Nineteen now.

It actually took me a while to recall the exact number of months since my mother's death.

Must be a sign of healing.

I will remember the significance of the fifteenth each month of every year.

The number 15 is imprinted on my soul and in my mind and heart.

That date will be the one I set aside each month to honour my mother's memory.

Not that I don't think of her at other times.

She is a part of me and my daughters, my siblings, my nephews and nieces, and my grandnephew.

In each of them I see a different aspect of her.

In myself I feel her heartbeat.

Her eyes peer back at me every time I see my reflection and when I look into my eldest daughter's face.

Last summer in Vancouver I saw her in my elderly aunts, two of her sisters.

I enjoyed laughing and sharing with them while they appreciated my visits.

We ventured to some of their favourite spots, and now they are in my treasured memories along with my Mom.

I am very glad I made that trip when I did.

'Timing is everything'.

The eldest sister is now suffering with the after-effects of a fall which broke her hip just before Christmas. She will not be able to go home, as she requires nursing care.

I must call to keep abreast of her progress. There is a dread to do so, as I am not ready for more grief to bear.

As February 15th approaches each year, the day before will conjure memories of love in my childhood home, when my Dad would bring the largest, 'mushiest' valentine he could find to my Mom, along with red roses and chocolates we all could share.

Words of endearment and nicknames graced their cards to each other.

My Dad was a passionate man who showed his love for my mother.

He never needed reminding of important 'couple' dates as many men do.

I have so very many memories of happy, loving times as both a child and an adult.

As I move forward in my own life, many more memories are yet to be made

Ten Thousand Strong in Toronto

2011-01-18T17:39:00.002-05:00

Watching a sombre solid sea of blue, led by red RCMP, all marching proudly in our city, gave me pause.

The finest from across North America gathered in solidarity to honour one of their own.

During the ten thousand strong procession down University Avenue, the only sounds I heard were footsteps and hoofs on pavement.

The above freezing temperature today allowed drizzle to fall from gray sky.

A metaphor to weeping souls holding heads high.

Ryan Russell, a Toronto police sergeant, fallen in the line of duty while protecting our citizens, provided the opportunity for multitudes to join together at his funeral to pay tribute.

It is as if all of his comrades from sea to sea and south of our border, have given us all permission to grieve our human tragedy.

Not only this particular horrible loss, but also all of past devastating events.

Humanity needs this chance to grieve and heal in unison.

Seasoned journalists have stated that they have never seen anything like this before.

With all of the violent disasters occurring in our world, from both natural and human means, our souls crave comfort in the company of fellow beings.

Thank you and God bless us all.

Roots Unfold

2011-01-15T13:14:00.002-05:00

Eighteen months Mom, and the first one of 2011 without you here.

Another Saturday blizzard outside my window.

I would rather be watching and writing than walking today.

Now that a new year has dawned, I am seriously searching for my earthly 'home'.

Recently, an acquaintance suggested the reason I enjoy being among trees is that I want 'roots'.

Not long ago, another individual queried of me if I live for my 'children'.

I know I would die for them.

I prefer to think I live for myself, not anyone else, although I would enjoy a partner to share this life.

Some of my most memorable and happy times occurred when I was part of a couple with children.

It is feasible that just as my ancestors are my genetic 'roots', my daughters are as well.

They do 'ground' me on this earthly planet.

It is a wonderful feeling to be appreciated by them. That I know.

Now that the astrological signs are in jeopardy of shifting along with the 'magnetic' pole, even my 'air' status might turn to 'earth' !!

Although many astronomers and astrologers seem to concur that the 'signs' will remain as they are. Their readings might be adjusted. That is all.

When I try to make things happen 'my' way, I seem to end where I began, and the dance starts all over again.

The dizziness of it throws me off balance.

Little wonder I feel the need for 'roots'.

With patience, as my life unfolds I will know where I belong.

World Grief

2011-01-10T18:35:00.001-05:00

Born on 9/11, nine year old Christina no longer graces this planet, along with several others who lost their lives to violence this past Saturday.

While I was viewing a blizzard of snow from my 'sunroom', the unspeakable horror of unstoppable gunfire, along with heroism, was unfolding in Arizona.

I am told that America is in mourning today. Anyone in the world who values the sanctity of life is grieving as well.

We are all connected in this universe. The actions of one or two influence the world in unseen ways.

Negative actions are publicized more than positive thoughts.

When inexplicable acts are perpetrated by 'seemingly normal-looking' people, we can only look inward to find the 'peace' that these individuals were obviously lacking.

It is inside our spiritual core that we will find the 'light' of love and the strength of hope and faith to carry on when 'worldly' craziness surrounds us .

Last Love

2010-12-30T01:22:00.003-05:00

As the old year draws to an end and the new one is about to begin, I am ready for a new beginning where an ending has occurred in my own life.

For the past few years, I have mistakenly believed that my 'last love' would be my 'soul mate'.

In this the autumn of my life, several months of it have included an attraction to someone who felt familiar, known and comfortable.

His soul was like a mirror to mine, reflecting back to me what needed healing in my own. I did not realize this truth at the time, which often happens without the benefit of 'hindsight'.

This individual guided me through my grief when my mother died, which deepened the bond I felt.

It was a shock; actually paradoxical to me, when I discovered that with all of the comfortable feelings I had for him, passion was not one of them.

In spite of that reality, had he allowed me to do so, I would have continued on that path hoping to fall 'in' love with him.

Knowing my struggle with this paradox of how I could feel such a comfortable connection to this man's soul but not passion for him, a friend of mine recently quoted to me another woman writer's thoughts regarding 'soul mates'.

What resonated with me was the idea that a 'soul mate' is actually someone whose soul mirrors one's own, to reveal what needs to be learned about oneself.

In my case, the familiar depth of pain I connected with in this man's soul, was telling me that mine needed healing. I know that now.

Being a caregiver throughout most of my life, I was not looking at myself, but rather was trying to share my own perspectives which I hoped might help him to heal his pain.

The truth is that only he can heal his soul in his own way and time, should he choose to do so.

My responsibility is to heal the pain in my own soul.

I had already begun this process several years ago through embodying my emotion in the poetry I composed.

Then I continued healing in nature through hiking.

I encompassed this as a 'task', wrongly thinking that the more disciplined my approach, the faster the healing would occur, which has had pros and cons.

The physical effects are tangible, yet the emotional relief is temporary.

In the beginning, I was 'running away' from the pain of my grief while hiking quickly on the earth that grounded me.

My approach has since changed to one of just 'being' in nature while walking.

My blog writing, which began as part of my grief healing process, has now become a passionate pursuit that brings great enjoyment to my life.

With the revealing insight I have recently acquired (thanks to my good friend) and shared here, I am now ready to sincerely thank each 'soul mate' who has entered and left my life for the incredible gifts that their souls have provided to my own.

Additionally, I have drawn closer to the 'spiritual light' that is the most powerful healing tool of all.

Above all else for me, this is my one true 'last lasting love'.

Christmas Blessings

2010-12-18T19:14:00.002-05:00

One week today is Christmas!

A few weeks ago I wrote on my website that I was ready to inwardly and outwardly prepare for His arrival.

In the interim, illness has prevented me from shopping, decorating, festive dinners and parties with friends; the outward trappings.

However, I am happy to report that this 'downtime' afforded me the opportunity to be still and listen, to travel inward more easily.

As life would have it, one of my siblings needed surgery during that time and is now recuperating.

My quietness allowed me to send constant healing prayers and positive wishes.

We might not all be able to celebrate together this year yet will be close in spirit.

Now that I am ready to play 'catch up' with some holiday traditions, I found the last Christmas card my mother gave me the year before she died.

Seeing the words of love and well wishes written in her own steady hand brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my lips.

I could hear her voice speaking to me as I read what she wrote.

Her card is on display with the others I have received.

Her favourite wreath now graces my door. Little reminders of her are all around me.

My Dad is always in my heart, especially during this season.

He was Santa for his family every year throughout his lifetime!

Feeling the 'pinch' with less than a week to go, I expressed my thoughts to my children and their outpouring of support brightened my day.

Messages of faith, hope, love and peace are Christmas blessings which are sent in a multitude of ways, just when needed the most.

Home for the Holidays

2010-12-07T19:17:00.006-05:00

Today Elizabeth Edwards died.

Yesterday Mark Dailey succumbed to cancer as well.

They were four years apart in age, both battling illness for several years.

Each was a high profile person in her/his own circle.

Mrs. Edwards was a mother, attorney, author, and the estranged wife of once presidential hopeful, John Edwards.

Mr. Dailey was a husband, father, more than a thirty year veteran of Citytv as the news 'voice' of Toronto, and a former police officer.

They were both American born.

There are many people in this world who die on the days leading into Christmas.

My father was one of those, albeit sixteen years ago on November 24th.

Christmas was his favourite time of year.

As difficult as it is for loved ones left behind at this time of year, eventually the treasured memories one has of celebrating festivities of this season in past years will overshadow the heart-wrenching grief and void felt without this important person's tangible presence on earth.

I recall thinking at the time my father died, and subsequently whenever I hear of others who die during this season, that they have gone 'home for the holidays' where I believe they are welcomed with more love, light, warmth and peace than we can imagine,

. . . . a reunion of souls fit for the 'stars' . . . .

Mixed Blessings

2010-11-21T16:15:00.000-05:00

This season holds mixed blessings.

My past is rich with memories warming my heart, delighting my soul.

My present includes gifts of sadness and joy, grief and hope, balancing my life.

My future unfolds mysteriously, one day at a time, embracing my dreams.

Security

2010-11-15T16:31:00.002-05:00

Well Mom, I tried to not write here today.

See where that got me!

Here again, sixteen months to the day you died.

Just am not ready to let go of this 'security blanket', as my grief healing journal still gives me comfort.

It is a sunny, almost mild day in the middle of November, and that makes it hard to 'fall' into winter, although our clocks fell back one hour a week ago.

Since I cannot stop the season, I had better prepare myself for the cold, dark months ahead.

I sincerely hope we have enough snow this year to brighten our lives in the northern hemisphere.

I will attempt to stick it out here this winter, without a southern escape, to take the time to plan my next move.

I am a few steps closer to that decision as I now know where I do not want to live.

Seems like it will be a process of elimination that will determine my choice, without any clear motivation at this moment in time.

However, life's journey has a way of changing when it's least expected, and armed with that knowledge, who knows where my steps will lead!

In the meantime, I will continue to wrap myself in the warmth of my written words whenever I want to feel secure . . . .

Reflectiveness

2010-11-11T16:59:00.000-05:00

Remembrance Day is a sad if reflective time.

My heart feels as though it will break.

Teardrops fall among sunny moments.

Music provides momentary relief, while solemn notes match my mood.

Grief surfaces as I recall and silently thank those veterans, past and present, who served us all.

These waves touch each and every one . . .

Remember

2010-11-11T10:17:00.002-05:00

Moments in Time

2010-10-30T12:20:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow signals the end of October.

Halloween was always a flurry of activity in my household, first as a child myself, and then later as a mother.

Homemade costumes were the order of the day in both scenarios; I being the recipient in the former and creator in the latter.

As a parent, I recall 'dressing up' while dishing out goodies as the greeter of 'trick or treaters'.

One year I might be 'fiercely frightening' and the next 'creatively colourful'.

Those were 'fun' and tender times.

My inner child easily surfaced with young children of my own to show me the way.

Now it takes a little more work to engineer the journey inward to find her.

Memories conjure moments lost, while feelings of anticipation linger . . .

Moving Forward

2010-10-15T23:59:00.001-04:00

Fifteen months ago on the 15th deserves a note, Mom.

Although I have been grieving, and more so lately, your death is feeling a little more distant.

I keep you in my heart and maybe that is the reason.

Lots of changes are happening.

I cannot go back; I must move forward.

No matter what my age I will continue to learn, grow and enjoy my life.

Travel has its place.

Now I embark on another journey to fulfil my destiny.

'Timing is everything', and this is the moment, my moment.

Time for Reflection

2010-10-07T19:59:00.001-04:00

Thanksgiving weekend is about to begin in Canada. It is time to harvest and share the bounty.

With a very long, hot, sunny summer behind us, and just the 'right' amount of rain, this year has seen a great growing season.

In fact, Ontario wines for 2010 are being touted, even before they ferment, as 'collector' vintage. We shall wait to 'nose', 'see', and 'taste'!

Every year, these upcoming few days are bittersweet for me.

In one of my posts last fall, I recall mentioning that fact.

As I am about to see another year since my birth go by, I remember my godson and nephew, who left us that same date fifteen years ago.

I give thanks for 'life', both mine and his.

None of us knows when it will end.

Each day is a gift, the present we share with others who cross our path.

It only takes a smile, a greeting, a laugh, or just a nod of the head, to lift the spirit of someone else.

A small but meaningful gesture goes a long way in life.

Fall Again

2010-09-29T14:06:00.002-04:00

As September fades and another month advances, I feel a little like 'fall' myself.

At the risk of 'feeling sorry for myself', I will anyway.

Each of us is entitled to curl up in the fetal position and hibernate once in a while.

Too many losses occurring simultaneously can cause that reaction in me, as the sadness of every loss I have ever experienced is easily triggered when I feel overwhelmed.

Today is one of those times.

I wish my Mom were here to listen to me, or just to hear her talk would be comforting.

My Dad's reassuring voice and sense of humour would lighten my load as well.

In reality, at this moment in time, there is no living person who can give me the unconditional emotional support I need. That is a lonely feeling.

Spiritually, I can get what I need. Physically and emotionally I cannot.

My friends and family are involved in their own 'situations' and are 'unavailable' to me. In fact some of them need me and my strength.

I know logically that 'this too will pass', yet right now it is a painful process.

I still have my appetite which is a good sign. And I can count my blessings.

Perspective is always comforting.

The weather is cooperating with no rain today. The sun will shine.

I just need to 'let go' and allow these waves to crash into me if need be, knowing I will not drown. I haven't yet!

I am a survivor and have much to offer others in this life.

My purpose for having this gift of life is unfolding as it is intended, I do believe, and will be revealed to me as time goes on.

To accept this gift is to live my life for me. That is after all, what a gift is; free, with no 'strings' attached.

As I enjoy my life, the light and love I feel freely flows to others, which is the by-product. Perhaps that is the purpose . . .

I just feel the need to ask for a little help from another human being to change my course again.

Someone who is non-judgemental, objective, and can feed back my thoughts to me will be my choice. A dash of sensitivity is also a prerequisite.

I have always told others that to seek help when one needs it is a real sign of strength, not weakness.

I will practise what I preach.

Loss is Constant

2010-09-27T12:23:00.002-04:00

The friend I have known the longest, and who probably knows me best, is moving thousands of miles away this week.

I have helped her with sorting/packing as much as I could, while maintaining a positive outlook.

It will be a good move for her, back to her home where family awaits.

And yet she leaves her 'family' of friends behind, whom she has accumulated over a multitude of decades.

Speaking for myself, I will be at a 'loss' without her nearby.

That is what I am feeling today. Grief for this loss, another change in my life.

Recently, I had to let go of the 'dream' of having a loving relationship with someone who had become a 'habit' in my life. Another loss.

As it turns out, many of my perceptions of this individual were inaccurate in reality.

It is easy to love the positive traits in another, and more difficult to embrace the 'whole' person.

I do have a way of accepting others 'unconditionally', which at times 'comes back to bite me', as some of these people are unable to return this kind of acceptance.

There are people in my life who repeat hurtful patterns of behaviour toward me.

Each time it has happened, I have forgiven them, with the hope that history would not repeat itself. Inevitably it does.

Some people do not change. I would ascertain that these individuals do not know themselves well enough to acknowledge or to assume responsibility for their hurtful behaviour.

One reason for this 'blind spot' is that they have an 'image' to uphold to themselves and to others in their world. To realize that they are doing something that disrespects another, would not 'fit' with their perception of themselves.

Another reason for this denial is that these persons view themselves as 'victims' when it involves being hurt, and they are unable in this particular stance to take ownership for their behaviour when it is hurtful to another.

Regardless of the reason(s) causing the behaviour, I have come to realize that I owe it to myself to no longer 'trust' someone who has repeatedly broken my trust and disrespected me.

Betrayal of my trust shows me that someone is untrustworthy.

Respect for myself necessitates that I distance myself from these persons, even when I love them.

Not only is change a constant in this life (even though some refuse to change their behaviour); losses in life are as well.

Sunshine

2010-09-15T15:02:00.001-04:00

Fourteen months have now passed with my Mom's own passing.

I have been travelling since my last post.

Wherever I went, although the forecast unpredictable and sometimes grim, sunshine welcomed me.

I recall that was the nickname given to my mother in her adolescent youth, "Sunshine", by the travellers and diners in restaurants where she waitressed.

Her smile obviously warmed the hearts of many who saw the sun shining in her face no matter what the weather.

I felt the warmth of her love along the way no matter how far I traversed.

My soul is at peace today with treasured memories easing the twinges of pain tugging at my heart.

A little rain in the form of teardrops will quickly dry in the warmth of my mother's "sunshine".

Renewal

2010-08-16T11:31:00.002-04:00

Yesterday marked the 13th month without my mother.

I decided to spend the day hiking in the woods, even though the humidex registered 100 degrees F, with possible thunderstorms in the forecast.

A small group of us made for an enjoyable outing in spite of mosquitoes and deerflies.

It was good for me to be with others on this day.

The 8 mile trek seemed like what would be 12 in cooler temperatures, and the thunder, though close, only sent a warm rain, not lightning, at the end of the trail.

Afterward, washing away what the heavens did not felt soothing.

There were no tears to mix with raindrops and showerspray this day as in past months.

The prior week had used all of my soul's anguish, and even now as I recall those feelings my eyes brim.

They do not overflow, which tells me healing is replacing grief one day at a time.

As if on cue, my Mom's Christmas cactus sitting on her desk is blooming, signalling renewal even as fall approaches.