Your Sweet Disposition

Love Sucks

2012-07-13T15:26:00.000+08:00

#DearDiary

12:54AM

"I won't give up on us." I told myself as I hear Jason Mraz singing on my headphones.

Definitely my theme song for the year. Every time I hear this song, tears automatically falls on my cheeks. I glanced a quick flashback from the time I heard this song.

I didn't remember the exact time then, but I can see it clearly. I was singing and feel incredibly amazing because I dedicated this song for him. I would never give up on him. I can't even see myself with any other person ending up with rather than him.

I am so much in love with this person. I was so excited about this song that I immediately posted it on his Facebook wall with the lyrics. I knew he would like it. And he did.

Now, everything changed. Everything has to change. But one thing is for sure. We still love each other so much and that we need to let go. We had to give up simply because its the right thing to do. Yeah. Its the right thing but it didn't make us happy. (And I ended up worse.)

It's a win-win situation though. If I let him go, I win because that's the right thing to do. But if he stays, I still win because it will make me truly happy.

This whole thing, the process called "moving on," its making me crazy. I don't think I can do that. But I'm trying to as much as my heart can bear every single night, every single tear that fell, every single day that I had to survived. Its killing me but I need to be strong. You know that lines.

Sometimes it’s easier to say “I hate you” than “I miss you. I wish you would call me sometime.” Because sometimes it’s easier to think screw life, screw school, screw everything, than to admit that you’re overwhelmed and feel like you’re drowning. Because sometimes, it’s easier to admit the simple things than to say the hard things and realize how much you’ve been struggling and how much you feel as if life has gone out of your control.

Love sucks.

Always You

2012-07-12T21:02:00.000+08:00

Okay. Its been ages since I last posted. And I am glad that something has urge me to do it.

#DearDiary

Time check. 3:39AM.

What I was thinking? I've been awake reading stories from Wattpad.

I promise myself to restrain from watching movies and novels that are love story or whatever kind of romance it is. It reminds me of how miserable and such a mess I am right now.

I looked in the mirror. I'm kinda shocked of how I look. My gosh! I looked so old! Given the fact that I am only 18, I have grown too much pimples on my face. (I know I know, its normal but....whatever) My skin so oily and my hair that looks messy and tangled. I was so busy thinking that I forgot that I am so ugly already. That is how I look everyday and even at school. But I don't have time to care.

Too many nights. Too much thinking. Too much crying.

I don't know. I just can't sleep.

Anyway, I am here right now, alone in the room. Getting a little emotional as always.

I am wide awake...again and again. I checked the date today and remembered that it was exactly two months since I last saw him. Yep, two months.

As I was saying earlier, I promise myself not to, you know read love stories and all that kind of stuff. But I can't help myself. I'm such a hopeless romantic and found myself scanning through my phone for Wattpad's amazing stories. Almost of it are all about love. That's what its all about. Right?

I can't take my eyes off my phone. I am imagining myself now as a character of the story and I always do that. I think everyone does that. Those scenes are killing me and reminds me of my memories with him same as what I am reading. Can't help but burst into tears. I thought I was already okay but I was so wrong. Flashbacks came in and I'm so helpless.

I'm thinking of who should I talk to but I can't think of anyone rather than him. It was always him. He knows me so well and he's the only person that I could talk about almost everything. I am starting to miss him. *sniff*

I still can hear him in my mind saying those three words in front of me, holding my face with his soft hands looking straight into his eyes.. He never miss any single day telling me that.

I still remember how it feels to be touched by him. To be loved by him.

I still remember everything. I never forget anything that made us both happy together.

I know that its better that we... both love each other seperately but I need him just one more time.

One more time. I just need those warm hugs from him. I wanna be there forever in his arms. *sniff*

I sound so desperate but I don't really care at all.

I'm so scared. I'm scared that one day he will meet another girl and just fall in love with her.

I'm scared that she will make him smile more than me. I'm so scared that she doesn't need to do anything but in the end, she'll have him.

I'm so scared. Disappointed. I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. Everything that is happening is like tearing me into pieces.

I can see sun's ray from my window. I didn't noticed that its already 6:30AM in the morning. Still I am in my active mode. Wow. I beat my last record which is 5AM last year.

I feel so pathetic. Felt so sorry myself. I couldn't do anything. The best thing to do right now is to sleep.

Sleep and let it go.

Just sleep Cheng, you will be fine soon enough.

Just be manly enough

2012-01-24T01:38:00.000+08:00

Something I saw on Facebook early today. Yes, you have point. And IT'S TRUE.

Treat your girl right, bro. Plain and simple.

I know it can be hard to please her sometimes, but it’s worth it in the end. Remember that she’s your happiness, your world. She should be the first person you talk to in the morning, and the last person you whisper “Good night” to. Unlike some of your bros, she’s going to be there for you when you’re the happiest, but more importantly, when you’re at your lowest. She’ll cook for you and care for you, so treat her like a queen. Girls are delicate creatures. Think before you say. Think before you act. They take every little mistake you make and multiply it by a thousand. So try not to mess up, alright? When you’re fighting, sometimes it’s better to put your relationship before your own pride. You’re not helping yourself by making her upset, bro. And never, ever, under any condition, let her go to sleep crying. She’ll resent you for it for the rest of your days. Don’t forget to make her feel special everyday. Open doors, go shopping with her. Hell, make dinner for her! The more you show her you love her, the more she’ll give you in return. Remember that an “I love you” via text is never as special as one in person. And show her off to your bros, don’t be ashamed of her. She’s never been ashamed of your dorky ass. Look, she doesn't really need much in a relationship; she just wants to feel like she matters to you. That’s not asking for much, bro.

But if you haven’t learned a thing from reading this, remember this. Love her unconditionally, loyally, and keep her close. Love her with everything you've got: emotionally, mentally, and physically. Because I swear, if you won’t treat your girl right, someone else definitely will.

The one that got away

2012-01-24T01:28:00.002+08:00

#DearDiary

I just want another meaningful blog post. But it seems like my mind has turn off because of my school works. Not that busy but I just wanted to write. I just feel like I wanted to.

The only reason I found myself writing in here is because I wanted something in me to get out. It's not like I don't have someone to talk to, it's more of like....I was always misunderstood.

Misunderstood. Today wasn't really that good. Wait, no. Today is the combination of kinda good and worse day. Many people have misunderstood me as I started my day. I wanted to explain myself to them but I never have a chance. Sometimes I do but I'm too tired of explaining. Too tired of asking people what they think of me. Too tired. But I'm used to it though. I'll just be quiet and listen to them instead.

I want to voice out what I really feel. But when I try to, everything is just getting worse and I end up being the one misunderstood. I don't want to feel pathetic here. But I just want to let go of the things that make me sad.

What the fuck should I do?

Welcome 2012!

2012-01-03T23:38:00.000+08:00

#DearDiary

Since we don't celebrate Christmas, we celebrate our New Year together with my relatives and have exchange gifts. Every year my family goes to grandpa's house and celebrate there together. My lolo, uncle Don and his wife, tita Lilet and her family then us.

After the countdown and all the fireworks, we prayed all together led by my grandpa and have eaten our dinner. The food were all great. Next thing was the opening of gifts! Yey! Then giving of ampaos. And my most awaited routine of our New Year was the giving and showering away of coins and bills. But unfortunately, because of the big adults surrounding me, I got only three 20-peso bill plus the coins. So all in all I have a hundred peso in me and the ampaos and many gifts! Good enough to start the year. :)

- - -

That moment when you're having fun with your family, was the most amazing moment in your life. You feel very comfortable and you don't really have to good look all the time. Because no matter how you look - ugly or not, no matter what you do - good or bad, they will still care for you because simply they are you family. They will be there for you when you're sick, when you have no money left in your pocket, when your having a hard time at your homework, when you have nothing to eat, when you get high grades, when you graduate and whenever you're at your best and when you are at your worst.

I don't know if this will be my best year as my horoscope said that I will be lucky. Not to brag but I don't rely on those things. I'll just let the wind carries me. Let it flow. With everything that happened, I keep on praying that it will be fine. I will be fine. No matter how hard it feels as long I have my family, I know I will be fine. Not just my them but God will guide me too. I know it.

For as long as you believe in yourself that you will survive another day, after all those heartaches, after all the pains you've been through, even if you see yourself as a pathetic one crying in the middle of the night in the corner but when the sun shines....you'll see a brighter day. Brighter and better. Even if you're regretting almost everything that you did, there is still a future waiting for you. Waiting for you to make a right decision the next time you get in trouble. So soon, you will feel stronger. And happier.

Still. Thank you God. For 2011. And I'm still hoping for a better year to come.

Bahala na po kayo sa akin, Ama.

</3

Most memorable December 25 of my life.

2011-12-26T02:51:00.000+08:00

#DearDiary

My computer clock says 2:41am. I am fully awake and very eager to do a blog post. But before anything else, I captured photos of me earlier so you could see what I really look like while doing this special blog post. You'll see why it is SPECIAL and MEMORABLE.

Yesterday we went to my mom's family because it's "Christmas". Actually, my family don't celebrate Christmas because we're not Catholic - we are an INC member. The main reason is because there's no such thing written in the bible. There is no date given so why celebrate? We are Christians too. We don't celebrate Christmas but we simply BELIEVE in Him.

Back to my story, my other relatives lives in San Andres, Manila. It's a really long hours of travelling plus the heavy traffic that it took us almost 3-4 hours to get there. Unbelievable. By the way, they are Catholic so this is our chance to give them something and visit them at the same time.

They lived in a small place where houses are very close to each other. Their house is not that beautiful, they don't have much utensils, and all other things. They have this ladder, a very narrow stairs which one person can only fit. Their house is made up of wood and some pieces of galvanized iron sheet roof. There lived my grandpa, three uncles and my aunt. They all live together in this place. Tito Willie, the oldest is separated with her wife and has one child. Tito Bong, also separated has one child too so that makes us have only two cousins in my mom's family.

Mom cooked her special spag recipe which is really yummy and made an extra flavorful buko pandan at Papa Pidong's house (lolo). When we got there, my lolo was.......apparently drunk. Yes and my mom says when my lolo's drunk, he gets too emotional. All his drama, his loneliness, pain, sorrow, happiness and everything he kept inside of him will be like a bomb. He'll be talking to you about it while hugging you.

My lolo never really hug me that much. But on that day, he keeps on hugging me and my sister more than I know and I'm loving every second of it. He let me sits on his lap. And whenever he tells me that he's so proud of me and that I'm his favorite, tears falling from my eyes. I was emotional but I hide it from my mom. Lolo told me that I should not get married early and I promise him that "I won't lolo, I have too much dreams for everyone." He also told me that I must reach my dreams whatever happens and that I should not forget about him even if he's too old. He even asked what are my dreams and what I really wanted in life. *sniff* Soon I will be graduating and he said "Kaya proud na proud sayo si Lolo mo. 'Pag gumraduate ka na wag mong kakalimutan lolo mo ha." And I promised "Papupuntahin ko kayo sa graduation ko, Promise."

All the advises he said to me was the most memorable and very special to me. It is because I never really had a conversation like this to anyone except my mom. Well, mom's always advising me but not an emotional one. Even my father. They never really get me into conversation like this. Whenever they're telling me advises, it's either they're angry at me because I did something wrong or when we watched/heard someone else's story of failure in life.

For years, I've been looking for this kind of talking my whole life. This is what I've been wanting. That my parents will sit beside me and settles things. Talk about my dreams, what are my future plans, what I wanted to be. Not just give me money and just throw me out there. I need guidance and advises. Still.

Maybe that's a way of me being independent but what I need is to let you know what are my plans. To listen to me at one point in your life and give me the courage to do this things even much harder. Not you controlling me. :(

To my lolo, I love you and I will give you anything I can when I already prove myself to them. Right now I will be a very good girl and finish my study like you told me. I promise you that I will reach my dreams however hard it is, strike hard for it and I will never forget about you. Even if your're too old and weak, you will always be in my heart. Thank you for the hugs, it was the sincerest feeling I felt ever. *sniff* (I wish I also felt like this with my father) *sniff*

----------------------------------------------------------------------

It has been a really really long day. I've been so inspired today. :)

Oh and I still haven't sleep. It's 3:40am. Ugh. Why am I still active?

Anyway Goodnight! More Love! ♥

***Umitim ako dahil sa swimming namin. :(

Fully developed in body and mind.

2011-12-23T00:28:00.000+08:00

#DearDiary

12.10.11

Finally the day I've been waiting for has come!

My very special 18th birthday. :')

I've already blog about this last year about how I've been waiting for this day. I wanted it so much that if I have a travel machine, I would swiftly fly to this date. Or even better, by the time I already moved out of my parents'. This is very important to me. (like how important my phone is lol)

It just feels so overwhelming. It feels like a flower that slowly blossoms today and have fully complete its period of development. It feels like you're having a big step forward. It feels like you're not a baby anymore. It feels like you've cut the rope that has been stopping you to enter the reality. It feels like you're an ex-prisoner now but not totally. It feels like the time finally free you from your manacle. It feels like your facing the true scent of life. It feels very inspiring yet, very adventurous. It feels.......simply amazing.

This is just the beginning of my maturity. I have to leave the juvenile behavior in myself.

This is forward. Just forward and not looking back.

Forget the past.

You just have to let go.

2011-12-22T00:29:00.001+08:00

"When you're young, everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not. It's just the beginning. You might have to meet a few more jerks, but one day you're gonna meet a man who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Like the sun rises and sets with you."

Everyone's bunso -- 12102011

2011-12-13T01:15:00.001+08:00

#DearDiary

It was a very inspirational morning when I started my very special day at church. I slept for about 3 hours only. I don't know if I'm excited or just thinking too much. After many years, this is the day I get to celebrate a real birthday celebration since I will be legal now. *wink*

I want to make this a THANK YOU MESSAGE to everyone who's been a part of opening the next chapter of my book. I am very happy. :)

To my FAMILY:

I want to thank my brothers and sister, without them this would not be possible. Most important of all, my mother who's been working all day just to make sure everything's okay. I love you all! ♥

Everyone was really exhausted especially my mom and my sister. THANK YOU! *mwah*
Thank you for everything, for all the love and the care.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. :)

To my BBF family:

Thank you for eating all my handa. Just kidding! :)
Thank you for coming and celebrating all the way here in my home. And also how my mom loves Evson and Matt's voice, Melchor for capturing most of my moments, and everyone who has been a part of my celebration.
Thank you. :)

JAM.KEYC:

I know how much you love me guys. Thank you. :)

Thank you for standing by me when I was....in pain.

I love you all and thank for the personalized gift!

Love love love! ♥ ♥ ♥

To my BSA family:

Aaah. The most makulit and maingay of all..... XMARCH!

I had so much fun. Kahit gabi na kayo dumating and no matter how much sleepy and exhausted I am, I can say "BINUHAY NIYO DUGO KO!" Hahahaha.

You guys are really the best! You already :)

And of course, I will never forget my very last IMPORTANT guest, RUEBEN JAMES!

Even for a short time, I really had a blast! For the last hours, I had an amazing time.

Xtian, Anima, Rj, Hermie, and Shandy.

Thank you. :)

To my Best of Friends:

I am very sorry to my babe, Joshua. We didn't have much time, but still thank you for coming! :)

To my two bhe's, I love you so much both and for still keeping our friendship for many years now.

Thank you. :)

To God:

God,

Thank you so much for giving me another year to live, to love and to give. This opportunity you have given me was the best of all. I realized how many good friends I have and my family who's been there all along since I was I born. You have taken care of me and have surrounded by the amazing people on earth. They are not perfect but they are the best.

Thank you God for the past months, it wasn't that good but you made it okay.

Thank you God for the strengths you've given me. I may not be physically fit but I felt spiritually healthy.

Thank you God for the wisdom. You've given me enough knowledge to understand how life's supposed to be.

Thank you God for keeping me alive. Everyday is worth it.

Thank you God for taking care of my family. They are my strengths.

Thank you God for

There's so much to be thankful for.

I don't want anything God, just love. More love and not hatred. Unconditional love for everyone.

Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God. :)

I love you.

When you just want to be alone. (Date not to be mention)

2011-11-16T23:37:00.001+08:00

#DearDiary

My class is 10:30am this morning. Still regretting that I had to take up a P.E. class again. Yes, it's a backed subject and I hate repeating. That would be our first meeting. Me, Carissa and Maricar enrolled in the same subject description.

I arrived at exactly 10:31am. Friends weren't there and I don't know what to do. Went to gym, go back to open court, went to oval and went back to gym again. I don't know who to ask or what question will I be asking for. So, I sat down at the bench near the tennis court. Pulled out my diary/journal notebook and decided to write for a bit. Feeling the aura of the cool air in a Monday morning, I rushed to the library to find peace.

I am not really a good writer. I only write when I am in the mood to write or when I've been very depressed with my boring life or both. The diary/journal I've been carrying was my all-time-let-out-of-all-the-anger-feeling in the notebook. I write in my journal if I'm sad, frustrated, angry, disappointed, lonely and all other negative emotion a person could have. I never write my happy moments, mainly because these moments are kept in my heart and should stay there forever. While the sad moments should be out of my body, just to push away all those negativity I have by writing in this sacred notebook.

No one has ever been read this notebook except me (I hope so). I don't even let anyone know that I have one, just here in this blog that I've mentioned it. So now, everybody knows but I don't really care.

Back to my story, I was at the library for an hour and a half sitting there and scribble about what I exactly feel. It's like this:

Dear Notebook,

I hate being alone. I hate being alone. I hate being alone.

I just felt suddenly alone at the moment and I felt LOST. I don't know what to do, I don't know even know how to act that morning. I feel like everyone is looking at me and saying "what are you doing? you look so lost dear, where's your mother?" Oh no, not good.

I closed my notebook. Pulled out my lectures. Starts reading....first sentence....paragraph...turn to second page......and.....set aside the lecture....pulled out my journal...write....close....read..turn..etc.

I just don't know what to do.

But you know, there are good things when your alone. It's because you are at PEACE. I love being in peace. As my second name means a "goddess of peace/peace-lover."
Being in peace is where you are so relax and just think, think and think on what will be your next step. And that is what I did. I set my mind at peace and finally cleared all those negativity that I am alone because I'm not.

That silence is what I've been looking for. Peace of mind.

Thinking of what I should do next, I visualize the future. I've been a dreamer in my whole life and I always wander things. That is what I did for the next couple of minutes. Nothing really special. But at the end of it all, it's funny because I made a decision in a library that could changed my whole life forever.

Goodnight. ♥

2011-11-13T04:07:00.001+08:00

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you're a good person and a good friend. What's meant to be will end up good and what's not - wont. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you cant be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don't, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don't lose something real. Always fight, until you can't anymore, and then be fought for.

Novemver 3, 2011. Back to School.

2011-11-08T22:53:00.000+08:00

#DearDiary

After 3 weeks of boring-sembreak, finally I will be back to school tomorrow and I can't wait.

Three weeks was like bored-to-death scene everyday. Good thing I was in Tagaytay City for 2 days and a night. And it was one of the best day I've ever had.

It was my first time to be out-of-town with my friends, not with my family (except those educational trips back in primary and secondary levels) plus the sleepover (it's my second sleepover I've ever had) with "friends" was very memorable to me. Although it wasn't really fun the way I thought it would be but still, I was happy.

Waking up and seeing a different place wasn't bad after all. I am a sleepyhead. I can sleep anywhere I wanted. But seeing your friends in the morning first is like "Oh, I feel like a grown up now." ^_^

Anyway, school is fun. Since I'm a full-time student I am focus to what I should do -- STUDY.

Tagaytay Getaway!

2011-11-02T01:17:00.004+08:00

I'm happy to be a part of my classmate's debut in Tagaytay!
I had fun with my girlfriends and boyfriends for 2 days and a night.

Unfortunately, I have no cam to take ever second of it but I made something special.
HERE IT IS.

*** I made "Carissa@18" as the title of every photo I post processed.***

CARISSA@18

Now, here are my girls! ♥♥♥

These photos below are my favorite! (That's me and Carissa on the right! ☺)

*A Happy Trip: One of the best day and night of my life.

The reason why I started to love blogging.

2011-11-02T01:05:00.001+08:00

#DearDiary

I am a book-lover. I love reading books, especially those romantic novel books. Because of being so inspired plus the factor that I am envy (yes, I admit that) to those people who can actually WRITE novels and everything that are being published in the world --- I wanted to be a writer, seriously.

It was a very hilarious thing that suddenly comes in my mind. It's like this: "Hey! I wanted to be a writer someday!"

In just a snap, I've thought about it. There's a big BUT.

First, I don't have the guts to be a good writer.

Second, I don't have this mind... this... this wide imagination to come up with a good story.

Third, I just can't....write. PERIOD.

But in my second thought, that dream of mine can actually come true. Well, not really a TRUE author, but you know, just write your thoughts and expose it to the cyber world. I think in a little way, I have become a writer. *wink*

This blog has become a part of my life. This is where I share my stories to strangers and I'm loving every second of it.

What I thought, what I want. Not just an ordinary social networking site where you update every minute but it's something you give away, something a part of you or your experiences that your sharing to someone you don't even know.

I love Blogger. :)

Intimacy

2011-10-20T01:09:00.000+08:00

#RandomPost

In a relationship, married or not… You should read this.

Marriage.

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

An amazing story everybody should learn.

sorriso

2011-10-13T21:05:00.000+08:00

All the bad stuff you've went through, the people who've disappointed you and the things that didn't go your way. Suddenly you feel grateful for them, because those are the things that got you here. Those are the things that made you who you are. Those are the things that helped you learn who you can trust, who you can depend on and those are the things that showed you what it's like to struggle, but in the end turn out STRONGER. ♥

Emozione.

2011-10-09T03:33:00.000+08:00

#DearDiary

One of the things that I like about free-writing is that I write about my thoughts. It is the other way of saying what I really wanted to say. And this blog somewhat helped me a lot of how I can speak up and just let go of what I feel. I'm not a plain-spoken person. I can't speak straightforward to anyone about what I feel, about my emotions to them. I expressed it by writing. I send them text messages or simply a letter or even a blog posts to what I feel.

But at times, I don't understand myself. When I feel discomfort and somethings are bugging me, I like it to be discuss or sometimes I prefer being quite and think about it deeply. Maybe it depends on the situation. When it hurts, you really have to say it. Writing isn't enough to let go of the pain in your chest. It needs discussion and explaining.

What's worse is that you don't even understand yourself completely, what you want and what you need. You want this and the next day you want that. It's hard for you to understand and even harder to be understood by others.

Next thing you feel is loneliness. The worst feeling in the world. It's funny when someone says, "it's a small world" when you have no one to share. Thinking that this is literally a small world. Now that's stupid.

When no one--even yourself--understands you, the best thing you could do is to pray. You will feel Him literally and spiritually. I myself believe that whenever I pray, that chills on my body is God. He is right beside me hugging me so tight. Just don't forget that God is within us. We don't have to search for anyone or anywhere, God is the answer.

Goodnight God. I love you.

Being A Father.

2011-10-04T01:06:00.000+08:00

#DearDiary

In my almost 18 years of existence, I have come to realize how hard being a mother could be. It's like getting into this narrow hole and getting stuck in there for a lifetime. That is why I think most the personalities, most especially in Hollywood, get married late or have their child/children on their 40's.

My mother who had her first child at an early age is really difficult for a woman. Then after years, she had 3 more children. How miserable is that? I've seen her suffer, adding the fact she chose a man who couldn't take care of her forever. Yes, that's my dad.

I've been wondering everyday how a true father would be like. I envy those friends of mine that they can kid, tease or tell a story about anything to their father, just casual. The father that talks to you and asks about your day, who tells you things with no anger, who calmly advises you, who supports you, who gets angry at you but after awhile tells you that he loves you, who laughs with you, who taps your back when your down, who cares to listen your stories . . . . . .

I can't mention it all and it's very viscous and immature to publicize your personal life in cyber world. I respect my father despite everything. And it's very depressing that your wishing for a better father. Somehow he provide us shelter and food when we're still ignorant and unconscious. He gave us an education which is definitely a need of a child. I'm very thankful for that.

Just to make this a bit positive, let just put it this way. God gave us a father like him. And I think it's very wrong to question that. Everything has a reason. Maybe God wanted to give us the moral lesson of all of this.

Goodnight. ☮♥☺

Reason.

2011-09-16T01:16:00.003+08:00

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

God made everything. He planned everything.

He made me and I'm very thankful for that.

I know God has a plan for me.

And I'm waiting for the right time for that to come.

For He is better than me, I will trust Him.

He is the only person that knows me well inside and out.

What I'm thinking and what I'm doing.

He knows me more than anyone else.

He believes in me.

Of what I can do and I can't do.

So everything that I'm going through right now,

It is just a challenge.

Because he knew that I will get this through.

With all my faith and courage to Him.

I know I can . . .

What is love to you?

2011-09-15T01:37:00.000+08:00

This question comes into my mind. What is really love?

I searched in google just to find many opinions about love.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110524202516AAa8KOx

To me love is that feeling for someone that doesn't wipe away. It's prolonged infatuation and obsession turned into a soul filled connection that needs two parts to fill. Trust is interwoven into true and real love, without it there will always just be longing. I know more of longing than of love.-WHATEVER

love is something more than can be described over yahoo answers. honestly, i dont think it can ever be explained and understood because it means something different to everyone. It is a feeling and you cant describe feelings to people and have them comprehend. all i know is that when you know, you know. -Bob Jonesss(:

Love, in my opinion, is the force that holds and pulls everything together. Love is the biggest, most elastic existence on this Earth. So quick to resume it's original shape after being stretched and expanded, always to recover. Larger than all of the strife, struggle, anger, pain, and terror in this world. Without love, not just love for another human being, the love for something you're passionate about the love for humanity that causes some people to devote their lives to trying to heal the world the love for mother nature; the original artist, the love for so many countless things...there is nothing but emptiness. We'd all be lost forever if we never knew some form of love.

I feel that my definition of love is incomplete because I have never been in love or had children. -Miss Bliss

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails ... (NIV) PERFECT! And it happens to be true for everyone.-Jupiter

love is simple for me, when i think about a girl, come closer to girls, love is good, it takes away my life where one lives in fear, that life isn't for me, love makes miracles, i can be scared of love if i'm confused but to discover it is worth-while and amazingthe girl is the answer (in love) in my life, she can count on melove is kind and right and makes you feel cared and loved in each love as an individual, keeps you warmlove isn't as clear as i planned but i'm doing the best i can, i'm counting on always ascending to great heights to better my lovermy love and love is for my girl if that makes sense, i will make my girl find her true meaning of love and keep her happy"Yes it's true my heart, mind, body, and soul, is only for her and will be till the living end."i love the feelings in love, having crushes, love at first sight, (believing and having) something that can last forever-Chris Q.T.

*There are many opinions about love. There are many because that is what we felt.

Love can be for family, God, friends, loved ones, money etc. In short, everybody has it and everybody feel it. But you know, the most painful thing about love is taking them away from you.

But I think LOVE doesn't need to be defined because it is a verb. We must feel it. What is love to you?

PRAY.

2011-09-10T02:00:00.000+08:00

#DearDiary

I just want to write anything that comes in my mind.

Lately, I've been reading the bible -- specifically the new testament -- for three consecutive nights. I promise myself that I will finish our holy book hoping that it will change me as whole person and guide me to the path of righteousness. Though I believe I won't understand every details of it without my faith and guide from our ministers in church. The ones who truly understand the real meaning of the holy sacred book.

I'm wondering if I already know myself. My weaknesses, strengths, or how I show myself in public. I wonder if I am a good person. I wonder if I myself is enough for the people I love. Am I responsible enough? I can't even decide for myself without asking for others opinion. Yes, it's true. Even what I'm wearing, I'm asking it first to my mom if it's bagay or not. In school, if I'm the leader of the group, I don't decide in just a snap without asking for my members if this is okay and that. Whenever I go to the mall alone, I ended up buying the wrong ones and always have this regret that I should have brought the other stuff. Regrets . . .

Few years back, I remembered a teacher once told us, "Tumanda na kong dalaga kaya kilalang kilala ko na sarili ko." I'm thinking about it on how or since when she knew herself fully. I can see that she is old, not in the sense that she can't handle herself anymore, but I think she's on her mid 40's. She inspires me enough and talk about God and insights about life. The life we don't learn at school. The life that the best teacher is our experience.

As far as I can see, I realize so much in this life. My dreams which is too far from the reality but somehow I'm still hoping that it will come true someday. That hope I'm still holding on everyday that it will . . . come true.

I've been experiencing many failures that leave a scar in my heart. So painful that the only one that I can go or talk to is God. I know no one can help me. Just him beside me, listening to me. And that made calm and get that huge courage throughout this life.

Thank you God. I love you.

When somethings didn't work out.

2011-08-26T05:10:00.005+08:00

#DearDiary

I found myself reading the bible. Instead of reviewing my lessons for the midterm exam, I want to find an inspiration and determination for myself.

There's a lot of things going through my head. This week has been tough for me. Very tough.

I want to do my very best. And I've been trying so hard just to get this goal. I won't say it, it would just make me depress and realize that if I put some extra effort.....I can make it.(I know I can!!) If's has been on my mind lately. If only if................

They say when don't have a plan, it's just a wish.

Now I kept wondering if I really had a plan. Seriously.

College is now on it's serious level. I can feel it.

You know there are some instances when I feel like I have something missing. A little bit of hard work will do but I think it's the foundation of what you learned before. School is really very important. It has levels and you should do your best at every level of it. EVERY LEVEL. Everything you learned has a reason why.

I feel ashamed when I realized I could have been better. I could have been still in COA. I could have been an honor student. I could have been a better vocalists. I could have been daughter. I could have been . . . . . etc.

Yes, regrets are always in the end.

There is so much things that I know I could have been better. I could have accomplished this certain goal and maybe because I want to make my parents proud of me.

A woman full of regrets.

*I don't know why I felt so much pressure. I have many goals in my life and there is the possibility of my thinking that end of the world is so near that I want to fast-forward my life.

Deep shit.

2011-07-27T15:53:00.002+08:00

Boy: I broke up with her.

His Best Friend: What happened?

Boy: She’s just too much for me.

His Best Friend: What makes you say that? What did she do wrong?

Boy: Well, for one.. She only cared about her appearance. Always had to look good, always took forever to get dressed! So insecure..

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she wanted to keep your eyes locked on her? She wanted you to see that you have the prettiest girl under your sleeve and not think otherwise? I see..

Boy: Oh.. Well.. She’d often call me or text me asking where I am, who I’m with, telling me not to smoke, not to drink. She’s so clingy!

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she cares about your well being? Because she cares about you a lot? And her greatest fear is losing you. I see..

Boy: But.. Uhh.. Well, she’d always cry when I say something slightly mean. She can’t handle anything. She’s a crybaby!

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she has feelings? And because she just wanted to hear you say you love her? I see..

Boy: I.. Well! You know, she’d get jealous easily. I could barely talk to other girls! She’s so annoying! I had to hide it from her so she wouldn’t bitch about it.

His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she just wanted you to commit to her? She thought you were faithful, but you lied so she could find out later and hurt even more? She just wanted the guy she loves the most to love only her. I see..

Boy: Well, she..

His Best Friend: You broke up with her because she’s good for you? She just wanted the best for you? She’s broken now because you were selfish. Are you proud?

Boy: I broke her heart.. Because I couldn’t see what was happening.. What happened to me?

His Best Friend: You lost the girl that loved you like no one else could. You see? You didn’t want her when all she ever wanted was you. THAT’S what happened.

Inspired or Expired?

2011-07-21T01:11:00.003+08:00

#DearDiary

When you are in love with someone,

you have no need to say good-bye,

because you are always in each others heart,

there forever staying. -Unknown

There is nothing much happier than someone who is there by your side, who understands your mistakes and imperfections, who is willing to sacrifice even just a small things just to make you happy, who makes you laugh and smile whatever your mood is, who makes you feel special in any ways, who listens to your problems, who gives his shoulder to cry on, who makes you feel like a princess, etc. I could list a thousands of reason why but that is beyond my goal this evening.

It just feels right and happy when someone shows you his/her affection, caress and love to you. That's the world is all about. Peace, Love and Happiness. ☮♥☺

The Gray Beginnings

2011-07-10T23:18:00.002+08:00

#DearDiary

I was on my 2nd year in college, 2nd semester when it was the first time I heard her name. I was on my World Literature class and the only writings of her that we discussed is "The Gray Beginnings by Rachel Carson" which catches my attention. For an ordinary student like me, I didn't actually read the whole handout at first because I thought the whole thing is the same as the Theory of Evolution or The Big Bang Theory blah blah.

Enough of my "thingy". I want to introduced this writing of Rachel Carson who I believed is scientifically proven at some point (I think). Though I never really search of the whole thing, about the evidences they found, or how they come up with that story and all.

I believe I'm a religious person and reading this article made me think if it could be possible. Maybe that thinking made my professor share it to her students. And apparently, I'm convinced enough to make this one of my topics.

After I've read that, I imagined . . .

What if there's no God? What if these theories are TRUE? Is it really possible for this to happen? How come they end up with that theory? Is this findings enough for us to believe it? (Or I'm just brainwashed? lol)

Seriously, I know it didn't affect my faith to our God but no one saw the creation of the universe. And maybe it's just either of the two. ☮♥☺