The Old Tin Shed

It seems there are still a few issues to hard to tackel

2012-02-28T19:46:00.001+10:00

I think I have mentioned a couple of times in the past, that I am adopted. I was adopted as a baby, and my mum and dad as I know them were my adopted parents. My sister is also adopted, from a different mother.

4 Corners on the Australian ABC had a program recently on forced adoptions. I wanted to watch it, but found I couldnt. What little i do know of my birth mother is the fact I was taken without her consent.

Maybe we are not supposed to see some things, maybe its still a painful thing for me, but I look at how my sister and I turned out, and we have both had the a-typical adopted child life. We both suffer from low self-esteem, and use food to help us cope. We both try to avoid conflict rather than stand up for ourselves. And now even she is showing signs of mental illness.

Im not proud of my past and have stuck my hands up many times to admit fault and ultimately responsibility. But when I have doctors say to me "wow you lasted a long time before you came undone". I start to wonder how much of this is because I am adopted, the issues of being abandoned at birth never leaves, and my illness made me set people up so I could prove that everyone does eventually leave.

I know better today, some people I treated so horribly have made peace with me, forgiven often for things there should be no forgiveness for. By them doing that they have made people leaving my life and me a lot easier to deal with. Seems like Karma to me. I had to do that horrible stuff, to get help with a problem that no one wanted to admit to.

Anyway, now days we don't have forced adoptions, I think the world is a better place because of it. After all nothing should ever get between a mother and child

Weekend over

2012-02-27T00:23:00.000+10:00

Hey all.

Yep another weekend over. I had a rough one, stubbed my little toe on the corner of the day bed its all black blue yellow and purple. Then put a big cut and bruise in my shoulder caught it on the back door of my partners mums car that I am working on. Not ten minuets later trying to undo a sump plug I ended up belting my first knuckle on my left had with a hammer. Its not great either Then we were pulling a bed apart and the bed head whacked me fair across the old skull, made me see stars for a bit. Then later in the evening went round to turn the pool pump on and again stubbed my little toe this time into a concrete brick. To top that off, I ruined dinner.

Fantastic day lol. Seriously though I am ok, was just having one of those bad ones yesterday. The toe is a bit of a concern, after the swim in the pool the swelling had gone down heaps, but its still throbbing and causing some serious discomfort. No point on the doctors because they cant set it anyway, found that out years ago when I stubbed my big toe and broke it in a hotel room in LA. Should have sued for the lip in the floor, but hey.

Other than that we had friends over for Sunday BBQ, had steaks, lamb chops, pork chops, and beef sausages. We had roast potato and pumpkin and sweet potato, all finished off with lemon dumplings and sweet cream. I had a couple Canadian club and dry and yeah was a nice night.

The big surprise to everyone is I finally finished unpacking the office, man there is some room in here without the boxes lol.

On a more serious note have some financial decisions coming up, which are not going to be easy to make, and the uncertainty of our position isnt helping. With my partner being offered a more rewarding job, which pays less, but regular hours. We are hoping that he can still nurse as well, but that is yet to be seen. Its not the end of the earth but may put a major project of my own back several months. Only time will tell.

My Day

2012-02-24T20:53:00.000+10:00

Im the bald fat guy

I have been better this year than last. Still hurts I miss him lots. Still find I pick up the phone to call him from time to time. That usually ruins a good day. Mum spent the day at San Remo, a place we all used to spend our holidays as a family and a place in later years we would go for great fish and chips.

Mum is further away from his ashes than I am, we spread them over the Great Barrier Reef just off mission beach about an hours drive from here. His last wish was to spend eternity in paradise. In a real way he is, its an amazing place. There is so much conflict in the family about his decision, and as always I must play the middle ground.

Mum & Dad together enjoying Fish and Chips

I find it hard I dont have a single point to go talk to him, but I also understand his desire to have no marker for his passing, he was like his father he wanted no fuss. In fact we had to convince him to have a funeral. Somewhere his friends could say goodbye.

Me I cant do funerals, the last time I saw my father alive he was holding mum and waving good bye to me in the driveway. I knew I would never see him again, but I was at peace with that. We had become good friends again, knowing what lay ahead. In the days before he had asked me about faith, and belief of what I thought lay beyond this world. It was our last car trip together 2 hours each way.

I had sitting beside me a man who even in his last hours was struggling with the question had he been a good man, a good dad, a good husband and a good friend. He apologized for failing me. That I still cannot take today. None of it was ever his fault, but just the way it was. I hope in those last hours he realized that none of that mattered. He was an amazing person, a fantastic dad, and a rock of stability.

All through his illness we fought as a family unit. The times I would sit with him and convince him to have painful surgery so he could spend more time with us. Hoping that this time would be the last. In the end they couldn't cut any more away, and we all knew unspoken that time was now precious.

I then fell apart and had to move away from everyone to give me the space I needed to get better, it was hard knowing in the back of my head that my father was missing me. But I just couldnt deal with it any more. 4 times since I was 16 years old we were told it was the last time that he would not beat it. Now that we knew for sure he could not do it, I could not engage with him. Our relations were strained, i did a lot of damage in the process of my own implosion and I hurt him and mum badly.

Come to the last half of 09 and mum called me and told me I should make the effort to come down. I told her I couldn't do it if he was going to mentally lock me out and not want to talk to me about things, she assured me it would be ok, so I hired a car and drove the 3 days to see them.

Dad with his youngest Grandson Harry opening my present

I was shocked at how much he had changed, it was obvious the cancer was taking its toll on him. He was upbeat though and our whole family got together for the first time in 6 years. I got to meet my nephews for the first time it was a real treat. Dad and I we did what the males in this family have always done. We went for a drive and sorted out our differences. When we got out of the car he walked around and hugged me. The first time he had in a long time. I came home with the promise I would be back for Christmas.

We talked every day on the phone, it was like it was before I got sick, I miss those calls now, there is no one on the end of the line to take them now. By Christmas things were not good with him, he was in lots of pain, it was good Christmas we were all there again as a family, for what was now obviously the last time. My nephews adored him, it was so nice to see his face light up, when they wanted him. Unfortunately his mobility was now also an issue. In early January we went to see his specialists at the Peter Mac Callum Institute in Melbourne.

Dad asked his doctor, how long do I have 4 or 6 months? The doctor said "maybe 3 weeks". I said thats what I thought. Mum burst into tears and dad looked dumbfounded. It was not one of the nicest moments I have ever had, but the doctor confirmed exactly what I suspected anyway.

The last couple of days were hard, he was failing and on constant medications, we talked a lot over those days, I think both of us understanding that the end game was here. I packed the car and had to go, we stood facing each other in the driveway, he hugged me and neither of us wanted to let go. I looked him in the eyes told him I loved him, and that I would see him again.

I left and watched him and mum in the driveway. 2 weeks later he was in ICU bleeding from the liver, it was all down hill from there. I last spoke to him the day before he passed away. He told me he loved me and I would always be his little boy. He was lucid and during those last days that wasn't always the case.

Heavens Gates, the glory I want to see on day

He was getting up every morning and yelling at the nurses to take the leads out of him so he could go help his dad milk the cows. He had started to re live his memories , the level of pain killers was so high, and he was still asking god what he had done wrong. That he was a good boy so why did he have so much pain. These things hurt me more than his passing, the fact that until the last day they could not stop the body wide searing pains. That just makes me so angry not at the doctors or medicine but at the fact that this man did no one wrong, and he was being tortured by pain. Yet there are true scum true low life people who are nothing but oxygen thieves and they get to live.

Anyway he is at peace now, in paradise as he wished, I go up to mission beach a couple times a year and sit on the beach and talk to him, tell him what I have been doing. I know this gets easier with time but there are still things about his passing that tear my heart asunder, and pull me apart from the inside.

I miss him terribly especially on this day. Dear reader if you could find it in your heart could you say a prayer for David Livingstone on this day, because his family really miss him.

This was probably the hardest post I have ever written. I got really upset writing it but now that its done there is a sense of relief, lots of what is posted I have not spoken about with anyone else before.

Of course now I have done that, here is a song I know he liked and I am sure he would like to see posted today. Some Classic Pink Floyd.

Pink Floyd
Wish You Were Here

Just a small post

2012-02-24T01:33:00.000+10:00

My father passed away this day 2 years ago, the time just clicked over to when mum called to let me know.

Just wanted to say. I miss you dad. I hope your at peace.

Love

Stuart

Benzodiazepines

2012-02-23T19:47:00.001+10:00

Nothing cryptic about this posts heading. I take this type of medication from time to time, and have found it to be extremely useful. I have posted before about Xanax, which is the branded name of the medication. I call it my jagged little pill.

There is no doubt it helps me, it pulls me back from the frantic panic, and anxiety that, sometimes enters my life. It restores order and peace to my mind, I feel while under its grip that I can cope that I can deal with the things that led me to take them. Its a trick, a chemical trick that works well with me. I only use them sparingly as resistance to the medication comes around easily.

So why the Jagged pill. One of this medications side effects is memory loss. Its good in some ways bad in others. An example today would have been I swore my partner had been home, but that was not the case I simply did not remember the way things were laid out. The good side of the memory loss is that I don remember those things that upset me to begin with, the dreams etc have no lasting effect because withing hours they are no longer there.

I do however loose entire days of my life, in a lovely blue haze of safeness. Something I cannot describe to any one else. A silence and calm that I wouldn't have without taking this little pill. Of course there is the temptation to abuse the medication. I have never and would never do that, its not me to abuse drugs and I cannot see any time in my future that would be the case. I see my medications as tools, no different to using a computer as a tool to write this post.

Below is a description of the drug and how it works if your interested.

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/depression/medicines/xanax.html

So next time I mention my jagged pill you will know what I am talking about

Off to the Psychiatrist I go

2012-02-21T00:32:00.000+10:00

Yeah well this was my 6 week regular visit. I get along well with my Psychiatrist, we have an understanding about me and my illness. You see ever since I became sick, I have been willing to go through just about anything to get better.

That means a lot of med changes, lots of withdrawal periods where I felt like dog poo. He made an interesting comment today. He said "you have been through hell, but you have never lost sight of the single goal to get as well as you can." I appreciate that because it has allowed me to do my job."

In a nutshell, that's it isn't it. That its not just giving up expecting the medications to make you well, its about an attitude and how far are you prepared to go. The insight I have over my illness is borne of desperation, to be normal. Yuck there's that word. I'm not normal, but I fit the norm now.

We talked about my last post also. About gaining something from the stress I endured last week. The fact I didn't dive for the meds, but stuck it out. He said what I have gained may stay, it may go and come back, but it was definitely a good sign. Told me I should be proud of not getting overwhelmed, and dealing with the stress. But he warned that I should not rely on the fact that I can deal with stress, because every situation is different, and every situation requires different tools.

When I asked about the writing, he said it was possible it would return. He also admitted that anyone creative with BP finds the loss of the creative spark, is the most devastating trade off. He suggested I keep blogging flexing my mental powers. In doing so we may open the door that was closed to me, and I might begin to get the spark back.

In the end dear reader, I am still and always will be a broken individual, my life like others has been torn apart by mental illness, and even more so by my treatment from others. I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying to get better, better than I am today. Why ? Because I don't want an ordinary life, I want an extraordinary life. I wont settle for anything less. After all when I finally shrug off this mortal coil, I want to be considered and enlightened soul, and you cant do that expecting the world to come to you.

Its Started

2012-02-18T19:32:00.001+10:00

Whats started. Not something important to others but to me its a major step forward. It means mentally I have changed position yet again. That is really important in my longer term recovery and understanding of my own illness.

So whats started. I can listen to new music again. Doesn't sound like much but it is. Until recently new music made me tense and paranoid. Then after all the stress of the last week changed me. Now I crave new sounds new music. It also has another meaning one that is extremely important to me, it means that I can now enjoy my gaming without having to give it up after 40 minutes.

I am becoming the old me, the me that was ok that enjoyed to explore the world around him. If I gain one more thing back, I will have recovered the parts of me that I wanted back. That were taken away by the illness and medications. I just need to be able to write short stories again. I miss that creative outlet for my thoughts and dreams.

Please do not get me wrong reader, I enjoy my blogging but there is nothing like creating worlds and characters, to take a reader on a merry path. To leave them guessing or to make them smile. I like the role of an author, to deceive the reader to make them for a short time believe that what you are saying is real even if its not.

I will never be a great writer, I probably will never ever get published but that doesn't take away from the joy of the act its self. I hope its not much longer till the words begin to flow, to form in my head to become real.

Thanks for reading

Something Inspirational

2012-02-15T21:05:00.000+10:00

Last post for today I promise. Came across this on YouTube for a comment for Midnight Oils
Dream World. Thought it was very apt in the current climate of fear and oppression.

"It does not take a majority to prevail... but rather an irate, tireless minority, keen on setting brushfires of freedom in the minds of men"

Sam Adams

Today's Shopping

2012-02-15T20:52:00.000+10:00

Just a small trip to the Drug Store (Chemist), and people wonder why I worry about the number of meds I take. Thats not replenishing all of them by the way, there are several more.

In the living years

2012-02-15T20:29:00.002+10:00

Another one of my musical posts, that I promised you I would annoy you with. This is a bit of a classic, but I was unable to listen to it for many years. Amazing how when a song is close to your life it stirs up feelings you would rather not have.

My Dad is gone now, we lost him after a huge battle with cancer lasting most my adult life, his end was horrible, wasted by the cancer and in pain that they could not manage. I was not there for the end, I just could not do it. I had left him 2 weeks before, knowing it would be the last time. But somehow there was peace in his eyes he knew it to. I miss him terribly some days, I have his photo above my desk.

Anyway listen to the lyrics of this song and don't ever let a conflict get between you and the ones you love.

My world is upside down

2012-02-15T19:18:00.000+10:00

The last couple of weeks have been really difficult on this end. My partner works as a nurse at a nursing home, and has been qualified for over 2 years. I normally don't talk about my relationships, but this is getting hard.

There is nothing wrong between us, but there is some major conflict around his work. Twice in the past 2 weeks I have had a phone call with him crying and upset on the other end. His work has had a habit of taking advantage of his good nature and his deep care for the residence. This has meant that he does a lot of extra shifts over each pay period. Up till now this has not been an issue, as the pay has been welcome. However now they are taking away regular shifts for the extras he does often at a 1/2 hour notice, sometimes he has to to double shift which sees him at work for 16 hours straight.

On top of this they have been incorrectly paying him for over 2 years. Since he was qualified his pay rate was meant to increase. It hasn't and after providing graduation details 6 times its still not rectified. I have run the numbers and if I am right it is a lot of money he is owed.

So he feels very unappreciated, both of us are stressed, which means our normal relationship activities have ceased. Right now he is asleep, collapsed due to the stress of what happened today. This is indicative of what they ask of him. He went in for training this morning and was rostered for an 8 hour shift starting at 1.00pm. After the training he went out and killed 2 hours before returning to work. While waiting to start his shift he gets a call. They want him to do a 5 hour shift starting at 3.00pm. No warning, no please, just your now doing.

Now he didn't do the shift. He left and we met up away from his work to talk about it. We both went together to another nursing home where he knows the DON and filled in an application there, so he can have somewhere else to work.

Im so tense so worked up by the way he is getting treated. I find myself clenching my fist all the time, and I just want to go in there and tear them a new one. Im trying my best to stay professional and steer him through this so everyone ends up with what they want. But its taking every last bit of my strength not to snap and drive down there. I hate seeing the look of dejection on his face. He is a sensitive soul, makes him brilliant at his job, and I cannot stand to see him hurt like this.

I have called the relevant work authorities this afternoon, our next step is a legal firm to take it on for him, it is totally unprofessional for a large NGO to treat its staff this way. Ohh and we wont even go into the incorrect payments over Christmas new year that were smaller than a normal pay.

Anyway, think I might need to go take one of my jagged little pills, take the edge of my anger and paranoia. Any thoughts or prayers during this time would be appreciated by both of us.

Thanks for reading

Another Linux Post but it tastes like Mint

2012-02-13T22:40:00.000+10:00

Well that is the most cryptic heading so far. (quite proud of it acutally). As you all know from previous blog posts that I have been running Linux (ubuntu) for a couple months now. To be honest its probably good enough for most people but not for me.

It has some really annoying things. The Unity desktop is slow and painful when multitasking and the removal of the close minimize maximize buttons from right to left is just stupid. I mean most people have been using windows for years they all know where the x button is to close a screen. Unity is horrible they say its intuitive but its not, you are constantly having to think about how you get to the next thing you need to do. That and a propensity to deliver pages from email and web browsing that are blank is maddening as it needs a full reboot to fix.. remind anyone of windows.

Sound out of the box works fine just don't ask it to do anything complicated like auto switch between headset and desktop speakers when using Skype (not sure if its Skype of Ubuntu either way its a pain).

So after a bit more digging in the last 2 weeks I have downloaded and installed linuxmint, which uses the backend from ubuntu but makes the user experience far nicer. We have a menu which looks like a windows start menu, we have an intuative system which allows a quick switch between open applications. Like Ubuntu everything worked straight out of the box, no painful tuning.

Now I intend to use this for a little while so there will be an update post at some time, if you want to try it out, I suggest it looks pretty good so far.

http://www.linuxmint.com/ Go check it out.

If I died tomrrow

2012-02-09T01:50:00.000+10:00

Interesting statement don't you think. I have always realized that life was a set amount of time and then the end would come. IF I died tomorrow what would I leave behind ?

(1) A group of close friends who would be destroyed by grief
(2) A mother and a sister, both who are afraid of getting that call
(3) My Partner of 3 Years, he would be inconsolable and some how find away to blame himself.
(4) A lot of memories with people I have touched over the years.
(5) A car, a ton of top of the line computer equipment

If I died tomorrow what would I take with me ?

(1) My smile and piercing blue eyes
(2) My career experiences
(3) Everything I have learnt about staying alive with this illness
(4) Those moments those magical moments where I have seen things that no one else did
(5) A Kind heart one that is damaged by my past
(6) Responsibilities for what I did when I was unwell
(7) No Regrets my life is what it is.

Do not mourn me when I go, I wont he hear to hear you, I will be set free to be the spirit I was always supposed to be. I don't want a traditional funeral, what I want is a BBQ with 10 foot flames, I want beer and great food in the back yard of my home.

Speeches f course but in fond memory not in sadness.

Now no one worry I am not going to take my life, just making the comment to find out what was important to me.

Something Ironic

2012-02-07T21:26:00.000+10:00

Well you know we in the west like to think we have everything sorted out, our lives and retirement etc. Well today I came across the following on a forum I visit regularly thought some of my readers might enjoy it.

An American tourist was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The tourist complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."
The tourist then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"
The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs."
The tourist then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The tourist scoffed, " I can help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You could leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you could run your ever-expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
The tourist replied, "15 to 20 years."
"But what then?" asked the Mexican.
The tourist laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions?...Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

So you tell me who has it right. Maybe we are all slaves to credit and work our whole lives for retirement. Only to find that others have had it all along. There is something to having a sea change after all.

I admit defeat

2012-02-02T16:07:00.001+10:00

When we took on this place we knew there would be a swimming pool to maintain and run. Now to the best of my ability I have, but we have had an ongoing problem.

There is a waterfall coming out of the wall behind the pool and its a key feature. The issue I have is that I havent been able to get it to run for any decent time before the flow cuts out. I have cleaned the canister filter to a point where it is whiter than my teeth cleaned all the other filters as well and it doesnt seem to make any real difference.

So I thought one way to check its not me was to run it without the canister. Guess what, it doesnt work then also. So I am now admitting defeat its time to get a pool expert in. It looks like its sucking air somewhere before the pump as the clear filter directly before the pump is pushing air around and that cant be good for pressure.

So will call the real estate this afternoon see if they can send out the pool guy

The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive

2012-01-31T17:48:00.001+10:00

A little while back I made a post about Stephen Fry and his speech on New Years Eve.

He has a documentary on the subject and I strongly suggest that if you havent watched it you do. Its a wonderful piece that shows with great tenderness and open brutal honesty, what it is like to be Bipolar, It sets out to and achieves its aim on showing the viewer what it is really like to have the illness and the day to day struggles for those with it and those around them

Please take the time, I am more than sure you will enjoy this documentary

Secret Life of A Manic Depressive

Music again

2012-01-28T23:42:00.003+10:00

I have posted before about my musical tastes and how they range and vary greatly from most people. I promised that from time to time I would share some of my tastes with you the educated reader.

I fell in love with Gregorian Chant nearly a decade ago, and have several albums in my collection.

However there is one song, that I find beyond beautiful, and has some very personal meaning to me, if you have a minute take a look and listen to some very beautiful lyrics.

The youtube video above

Lyrics

Enjoy :)

Waltz with Bashir

2012-01-28T19:01:00.000+10:00

Now I was all set to do an in depth review of this film, but now after watching it for a second time I find I cant.

Its not the kind of film most people would watch, and it covers a topic that most anyone who knows anything about the West Bank and its history will cringe at.

It is a heartfelt film, at times painfully so as our main character starts to remember and everything that goes with that. In war everyone involved is changed some more than others.

If your up for something different something that will change the way you feel, please find a copy and watch it. It know its in Hebrew but there are subtitles available.

I put this film in the category of a film that matters, and certainly one of the 100 you should see before you die. A masterpiece for sure built around a terrible tragedy.

Hate being the Taxi

2012-01-25T23:34:00.000+10:00

Well as you read in the last post I shifted house all day today, now as its nearing midnight I have guests to take half way across the city because I am the only one who is sober.

We had a BBQ tonight, with gourmet sausages from our local butcher was brilliant and really nice to eat. Problem is they all want to kick on till after midnight when I want to go to sleep. The perils of being sober lol.

Was nice doing the BBQ cook up, this new place makes all of that so easy with the BBQ only feet from the back deck and pool.

Think there have only been one or two nights since we moved in that I haven't used the BBQ for either a roast or for some nice cooked steaks or similar. It dose a roast brilliantly, seems to sear the juices in, had pork beef lamb and chicken for Christmas day all done on the BBQ it was amazing.

Anyway off to take drunk people home.

How did that just happen ?

2012-01-25T18:57:00.000+10:00

Ok. now you all know how much I hate shifting house. More specifically how much I hate shifting furniture down and up stairs.

Well today we went to go help one of my partners friends. Due to the fact she is under 25 I rented the removal truck in my name with the intention of only driving it. Ha Ha Ha the laugh is on me.

We arrive at her place to find a Huge modular couch, An incredibly heavy front load washer fridge and solid timber bedroom suite, including tall boy. Now you could probably imagine how unhappy I was to see all this furniture. What made it worse is it was all on the second floor with stairs that make the Himalayan, mountains look like a bowling green. To top it off the monsoon is here, humidity is high and the Suns scorching.

So much for only 2 hours. We loaded the truck and took it to the place she was going to move in. She got there and proceeded to burst into tears, saying she didn't want to live there. She had originally organized to live with us. To cut a long story short it all ended at our place. Just as well to, because there was 4 flights of stairs to carry all this furniture up, something I wasn't in any mood to do by then.

So 7.5 hours later we are unpacked into our house with a fair amount of stuff in the shed. Remember the shed I wanted to work in... Seems I wont be doing that for a while, which is a massive shame but thats the way the cookie crumbles.

So I got roped in yet again, my left elbow joint has been giving me hell for over a week now not exactly sure what I did to injure it but I have thats for sure. Ah well if its still sore in a week suppose I go to the doctor.

One good thing though and totally unrelated, I finished the parcel shelf for Phill's car see photos below

Its 36mm thick two sheets of MDF glued and screwed, room was made for the 12" Pioneer Subwoofer, and 2 x 6x9 3 Ways speakers from Fusion. If you look closely in bottom photo you will see the raised lip the subwoofer sits on the bottom shelf the 6x9's on the second. Carpet is glued and stapled into place. All in all a nice solid deck for everything to run off. See im not just a computer nerd ;)

Pain

2012-01-21T16:02:00.001+10:00

Its something that we all experience, and there are multiple types of pain. For the purposes of this post we are talking about emotional pain.

Some years ago now I took a very serious step and tried to end my life. I drove my car at high speed into a fairly large tree. I wasnt successful obviously, but I was broken and damaged in ways people could never imagine.

We use the word pain a lot in mental health, its used to cover a wide variety of feelings. I can tell you from experience you never want to feel the pain I felt that night. Even the pain from the crash didnt come close to the pain and emptiness that had become me.

My carers often ask me would I do it again ? Would I try to harm myself ? I answer I don't know. Believe it or not its the truth. I cant say no I wont, because given that level of pain I might again decide no life is better than a life of never ending suffering. People find this so hard to deal with, primarily because they have never experienced what it is to wake up feeling that down that empty that worthless. How can ordinary people even contemplate what it feels like. The answer is of course they cant.

I have given up trying to explain to others the pain that drove me to hurt myself, that forced me over the edge. People cannot possibly fathom the depths of despair and pain I was suffering. So I just leave it be. Talk about something else.

One more thing. Just because I haven't got stitches, or a cast. Just because I don't need my wounds being tended to, just because I don't sound like I have a cold, doesn't mean that I am not unwell. You accept the others as a given yet you have issues trying to understand how I can be sick when I have no physical damage.

The truth be known my sickness can be life threatening, just because i look ok on the outside and act ok , doesn't mean that I am. But I need you, I need you to pick up on the signs I am unwell, I need you to show me that I can trust you, and ultimately I need you to help me stay safe.

What does it mean to trust you to keep you safe ? My illness leads to paranoia, I trust no one in fact I will set people up to prove how untrustworthy they are. You need to show me that you care for me. You keep me safe by doing what you have to to keep me away from that dark place. If that means ordering me to bed to go to sleep, or telling me to go meditate somewhere, then thats what you do. Your not always going to get it right but deep down I know that to. With me when in doubt ask, not just once but a couple of times if I am ok. Eventually you will get the right answer.

I'm glad I didn't die that day, though it took me a few years to realize that. Im glad I am here to write posts like this, to hopefully help someone else find their way out of the darkness.

The Last 10 Days and Moving

2012-01-17T19:15:00.000+10:00

Hi all, been a little while since I posted and for that I do apologize. However I have a great excuse.

You see I moved house. I wont say it was a pleasant experience, because it wasnt, it was down right horrible. The move day was set weeks in advance we organized a truck and started packing. There was a whole heap of drama around the house we were moving to but thats another post.

So the big day arrives, up early get the truck go to the new house do final condition report, get to the old house around 11.30am. It was HOT HOT HOT, the sun was fierce and it was humid as all hell. Turns out over 30 people presented at the hospital with heat stress. Was the hottest January day on record. So we decided to retreat into the house and the A/C and have a sleep till it cooled off a little.

Was a great plan, but it didn't cool down, around 4.30pm we started moving all the heavy stuff, the next 13 hours are a blur I made 2 trips in the truck to the new house, and we finished the last load in the tiny hours of the next day. It was still hot we had a downpour around midnight which of course didn't cool things down it just made it more uncomfortable and harder to work in.

The next couple of days were spent moving the smaller stuff, we hired a ute on Saturday and did 2 loads to the dump, and took a load of smaller stuff home. Sunday was spent cleaning and bringing home the last of the stuff, which was mainly cleaning materials.

All in all a really hot and uncomfortable couple of days, done in the hottest possible time of the year. I swear yet again I wont be moving in January ever again. Since we have been in the new house the weather has been mild and wet as the monsoon starts to make its presence felt. Once I have full broadband back I will post some pictures of this fantastic house we have moved into. Its amazing, and I must admit after I got sic I never ever thought I would see the inside of another nice home again.

Happy to be back blogging

Mums Gone Home

2012-01-06T19:21:00.002+10:00

Mum left to go home around 5.00am this morning, her flight was delayed but she still arrived at her destination on time.

So what was the outcome of the visit. It proved what I had feared all along that mum would be incapable of keeping her opinions and attitude to things on hold while she was here. We are both very strong willed people at times, and she has a habit of wanting to butt heads with me. I think three major flare ups over the 16 days was probably good for us, but she certainly knows how to press my buttons at will. Even after a doctors visit by me she was able to get me to fire up.

This is all well and good for a short visit but it worries me that she wants to move into the city in a year or two. I dont know if I could put up with her BS long enough without killing her. She has a habit of forcing me to do things that I am simply not interested in doing. Even after explaining to her there was no point in trying to change things, she did it anyway.

I think this shows the utmost lack of respect of me as a person, and of the journey that I have traveled since I became ill. As I said to her more than once, Im approaching 40 I dont need to have you to tell me how to live my life.

Anyway it fell on deaf ears, wasnt long and she was back to her old tricks.

Whats more important in my mind is where to from here. With her wanting to move here, do I make sure Im gone before she does, considering how much I love this town that pains me greatly. Or do I alternatively force her to live as far away from me as possible. I suppose its something I have some time to ponder on over the next year or so.

Anyway hope everyone had a good new years

Stephen Fry

2011-12-31T23:13:00.001+10:00

This is my new years post, dont like it to bad lol...

I just watched Stephen Fry live at the Sydney Opera house. He was candid funny and intelligent. But he was far more than that he was honest. He talked in depth about Bipolar and what it is to have it, in a candid way. It was confronting at times and deeply personal, bordering on uncomfortable for the audience.

He was able to describe in detail what it is like to be BP and how devastating it is for those who have it and for those around them. His honesty about mania, and the things that we think and do when we are unwell was refreshing. He described having BP as like the weather, you wake up and its raining. Thats what its like, you cant walk it off you cant think it away its just there.

He describes the actions of one man who was BP. He was hospitalized, and managed to get away he stepped in front of a truck, it shattered both of his legs. Steven went to see him a while later and he showed him his broken leggs that the doctors over time had made useable with multiple painful surgery. He said that the pain was nothing compared to what drove him to walk in front of the truck. And I think in a way that sums it up.

I will admit at times I was wiping tears from my eyes as I understood everything he was saying, and I also understood the gravity of his sharing all of these things.

Intelligent articulate and funny. As always it takes people to stand up and talk about these things for others to have any chance on what it feels like to live it. Thanks

Loss of Rights

2011-12-30T14:27:00.000+10:00

Have been contemplating a post about this for a little while. Today I was prompted to act from a post by American Mercenary The post is short story that quite abruptly shows how far things could come.

It is my personal belief, that many of the important rights that we had prior to 911 have been removed. Including the right that your government cannot spy on you without permission of the courts. Her in Australia it is my understanding that any electronic communications are at least scanned for key words by our government.

They tell us all its in the name of protecting us against terrorism. That may be true, or it may be that the government took advantage of the situation to get greater details of any individual they want. Ultimately it removes our right to privacy.

My issue here has two points. (1) I never voted on or agreed to any changes that have been applied to my rights, and (2) That the terrorists have won a victory, because they have altered the way in which we live forever.

The other issue that is scary is when labeling a group as terrorists. Case in point are the former Tamil Tigers. Yes they used suicide bombers, yes they attacked civilians. But so did the the government. The Government are under duress to hand people over for war crimes. So why wasn't the government labeled a terrorist organization? The situation has left many Tamils with no home and no hope of getting a new home because of the label of terrorist.

My fear is that we have taken a large step onto the slippery slope. Justifying changes to your rights in the name of terrorism is an extremely frightening precedent. Whats to stop further inroads to our rights. Another attack more rights removed ?

I just want to know what happened to Freedom & Justice, both seem to have been lost in this war, and I wonder will we ever see them back again.

It must be hard fighting for a country when the values you hold dear are being removed behind our backs.