The Old Tin Shed

Will his effect die with him?

2017-11-30T11:28:00.000+10:00

The last couple days I have been thinking of the legacy that was felt behind when Chester took his life.

The sheer volume of work they created I think will keep his memory alive, and now I am not upset I am loving it all over again. Chester is your watching us from above, please know your music will keep on saving lives, even though it could not save yours. RIP buddy and one day we will meet where the oceans bleed into the sky,

Horse

Cant win

2017-11-21T13:44:00.002+10:00

Off to the doctors again today and tomorrow, cant win

Horse

Thank you

2017-11-10T23:02:00.001+10:00

I have had a huge couple of weeks readers, doing the dreaded house shift. Per usual the agents are being dicks and causing me hassles but that's for another day after they get creamed in court.

As most of you know im not especially well a lot of the time and stress makes me even worse. So I wanted to thank my special family and a close friend for all their help during this time. And today especially to our close friend she stopped me from going into a full melt down. Tomorrow is an off day for everyone and back to the fight on Monday.

Hope we dont move again any time soon

Horse

If you knew

2017-11-09T17:23:00.001+10:00

Hi all I know a lot of my stuff has a dark edge but I think this one is a little different. I actually pondered this on the way back from the city this afternoon.

As far as I know we are all Mortal and do not know the time or date of our lives. So I pondered this question today. What if you somehow found out when you were going to die? What would you prioritize as the most important things to do?

This is not a simple question to be asking, I found the more I pondered the more and more my ideas narrowed, until it came down to just a couple of things. Now I am going no where near religion here I am talking about practical more than spiritual things.

So here is my short list.

(1) Tell my mother I love her despite her flaws, and make sure she understood what I wanted when I was gone.
(2) Tell my partner how much I love him and make love and sleep in each others arms
(3) Tell my closest two friends how much they have meant to me over the years
(4) Cry

Everything came down to those things, no money no religion no conflicts no revenge, just to let those know how much they mean to me.

Horse

Jealous

2017-08-12T11:30:00.000+10:00

To Chester

I know you did what you did because of the pain you were in. I'm sorry your gone, but insanely jealous that I right now cannot follow you and end my own torment. I hope your at peace your bright spark will live for ever.

I'm jealous I cannot follow you, I'm sick of the pain

Horse

Who am I

2017-08-12T11:06:00.000+10:00

This is one of the hardest of all questions that we as humans can ask of ourselves. Some people spend a life time in deep spiritual contemplation seeking the answer to this very question.

Now not to take from those people but inside us all is the answer to that question. Whether or not we like the answer is a different story. nearly 15 years ago now I looked to see who I was and what I saw scared me, I attempted to make changes to change that person. In hindsight it was a terrible time of my life to be doing it and it was a contributing factor to my breakdown.

More recently I have looked again and seen someone completely different, this person is broken yes and at times wants his life to end. But he is kinder, cares about others more than himself, and has finally found the thing he had hoped he would find. A person who cares about the truth above everything else. I don't suffer fools or liars well. I accept people for who they are but I dont have to accociate with those people who I find detestable and worst of all they remind me of the old me. That I cannot be,

So I ask you, do you really know who you are warts and all, or like most people to scared to really look.

But all this is a premise to something far darker. I want people to understand that the forces that took Chester Bennington from us, will probably take me. I was in so much pain last night unable to sleep and nothing I could do could take it away. Suicide was fast becoming my only option 5 calls to lifeline and I was still just holding on. I'm changing anti psychotics because I have to not because I want to and I made some dumb decisions that made it all the worse.

Now we are on this topic let me dispel a couple of bad assumptions.

Its not a cry for help
Its an easy way out
I am not weak, in fact I am showing an inner strength you don't have
It hurts everyone
You should be afraid of dying
Doesn't your will to live stop you.

The answer to all of the above is F***k no. Do you have any idea how hard it is to hurt yourself, to take your own life. I have tried many times and gotten very close a couple of times. It takes guts to take that final decision and I pray for you that you never have to take it. It changes who you are for ever. When your own life has no value neither does anything else.

Suicide is never far from my mind even on a good day. Does that mean I am going to kill myself every day? No it does not but I am in a constant cycle of wanting out of this life so I think about it a lot. Which will be the quickest, which will cause less pain, which will have a low shock factor to whoever finds me? Should I leave a note explaining my actions, should I do it at home or far away where no one knows me.

I know no normal human would think these things but I do, and when I lose my fight like right now, I wonder these things, I know its only temporary but I am unsure if I can continue along like this. You see its not just the illness but the daily reminder of it that in recent months has become wearing. Every day I take a hand full of pills never sure they will work, but dam sure that they will hurt no matter what, hurt my legs my feet my head and my belly. Its all fine for others to say take the pills they make him well but how could they possibly understand

We survivors are a special breed hurt in ways you could not possibly understand, an no I am not just going to get over it. I have this for life Yes that's right, there is no cure, just because I don't ware a cast for a broken limb or have stitches doesn't mean I am not unwell or broken. I wish you asses would wake up and and realize your actions push me closer to the edge closer to my last breath. Your inability to wake up and see the sickness for what it is, makes me angry so angry murdering you would be a relief. Was that a threat , you take it how you want, but next time a mentally ill person cracks and hurts someone remember this post and its prophetic warnings.

There are days when opening the bedroom door is to much for me. Have you ever experienced that in your supposed screwed up life you complaining piece of crap. Have you ever felt like everyone is looking at you when you go to the supermarket ? No then what the hell have you got to complain about. Enter your reasons for complaint here __________________________________ I ain't listening you have no reason none.

Am I being brutal yes I am. Its time I took the gloves off and had a bare knuckle brawl, I'm sick of hearing normal people complain (yes mum your in there) when you have not a thing to complain about you have no bloody idea what it is to suffer. I suffer every god dam day of my life its only the depth of suffering that changes. Grow up the lot of you.

One more topic, why must I be made to suffer because of who I love, my government is intent on tearing my country apart over the issue. Please think twice, I doubt I will last to the end, my ashes will be spilt onto the ocean and it will be over for me. My final night my final abyss where I meet all that I have lost and loved.

For now see you later I'm not going to be able to say anything more I can no longer see the keys from the falling tears.

Horse

Some Terrible News

2017-07-21T14:51:00.001+10:00

Firstly let me start this with a :(

A man who I loved to listen to, who suffered the same deamons lost his fight last night. He was found hung this morning and I am one who has shed many a tear an amazing guy, true perfomer.

So goodnight Chester and thank you for everything you left behind so we can remember what an amazing person. So glad I got to meet you.

So a good night ths is I am sure we will meet again, and again we will have that same feeling.

I will see you where the oceans bleed into the sky

Horse

Med Change ohh the Joy

2017-07-16T17:37:00.000+10:00

Hi all yes dont all die of shock, I have a second post in a row, yeah it has been a while and im not sure how long I will keep at it other to say that I am having fun.

Well today is first day of a new med change. Serequel a Drug that has served me well for a decade has come to the end of its usefullness for me. I have developed type 2 Diabetes around its use. It seems there is a corrolation to its use in high dose to this ailment. Today is the third try to migrate from it to a drug called abilifi, a well used and well tested anti-psychotic.

So last night I took my first pill and dropped the seroquel input by 300mg unfortunately it was not enough. I was awake a wired most the night. It did not help I have a server out of action the two stresses fed off each other. So I have just had about an hour and 45 minutes of sleep feel lots better.

So tonight I will drop 600mg of Seroquel and take the abilify I hope its enough and lets me sleep and its not to much and give me withdrawls. Its a hard thing migrating drugs of dependence. My body is addicted to the Seroquel, and relies on its actions to keep me as stable as possible. Just because I am migrating to another anti-pschotic does not mean it stop one start the other, thats dangerous to my brain stability and can cause lasting damage.

So is it worth it when another drug is on the horizon I think the health benefits are worthwhile, the reduction in blood sugars alone are a massive thing, less medications, less for my mind and body to deal with every day. As I said in the last post its getting harder and harder to continue to take the medications, and easier and easier to stop and let the illness rule my life and ultimately me take it.

So now going to try work out what I am having for dinner tonight, it wont be much but be enough I hope :)

Thanks for Reading

Horse

Ive been Away

2017-07-14T17:53:00.000+10:00

I have been away for quite a while now, I haven't forgotten this place, but I needed to find some things out on my own without the crutch of this site. I have made some very good posts here in the past and I am proud of the volume of work that I created.

But I look back, and realise how much I enjoyed the act of writing. Writing has been a great stabilising effect on me and my life ever since high school. I write short stories in my spare time, and they have enabled me to explore thoughts whims and serious topics that are close to my own heart.

Since we last spoke I have added some ink to my skin, despite what everyone who doesn't like tattoos I love what I have done. I have never been normal, I am not normal and this is just a way to make me not look like every other fat bald 40+ something year old. Plus I have always wanted ink just could never make up my mind what I wanted. I have 3 pieces I think each shows a side of my personality and im now planning my 4th piece. I will upload some photos of what I have and explain in another post.

On the mental health side I have not been well. I have been up to the hospital for help and I am currently leaning heavily on my health carers and lifeline to get me through. I have had nearly all my teeth taken but that is for another post. But needless to say the teeth set of PTSD and only now am I coming out the other side.

There are major changes ahead on my mental health front and I hope they make my life better because right now I cannot see me taking these meds for another 10 years its just to much to ask of me, im not stupid with my own insight and that point of taking the meds forever is breaking me down

Where to from here with my mental health is anyone's guess the reality is I will continue to suffer long term from a group of illnesses that I have no cure for and will be till I take my last breath. Im scared of driving people away, its hard to be around me at times.

I worry about my future when im unwell, and when the truth came out about Robbin Williams and why he took his own life, I feel two things. I cry because I lost my favourite clown, a brilliant actor, and from all accounts an amazing man. Im sad he is gone. Then there is a second darker feeling, I envy him. He left this world the way that he wanted, he wasn't going to suffer and pass away for everyone to poke at. Instead he took his life with dignity and grace no suffering.

The older I get the more I see the world for what it is, I see the stupidity of people and their imagined self worth. I see religion for what it is, and I think the more important thing is that I see me for what I am and now because of that things are going to change. Without change I am nothing, and I cannot expect to have a better life or to be extraordinary in everything I do.

More importantly right now there is a love in my life that I never want to leave, one day I will be allowed to put a ring on it till then he is my everything.

One day mate one day.

I feel the need to write

2016-04-22T17:59:00.001+10:00

Its been a long time since I last posted here my well of writing ran dry and although this may be a one off I need to write today.

I have always been honest about my illness and in doing so have helped many and myself.

I have an amazing life right now but my illness is getting worse and my need for further medications is hurting me.

I have no faith in my abilites and that means the end of work unless i can over come it.

Take care all of you life is never easy and all our futures are uncertain. For now its a see you soon

Life and death entangled for eternity

2015-08-09T01:24:00.000+10:00

Life and death are the beginning and the end its what we do in between that matters

Are we looking at this wrong ?

2015-08-04T19:46:00.000+10:00

This post could be either brilliant or just plain out there, as is normal with me so here goes.

To get my point across here we need to talk about a couple of theories on the Human mind and what makes as tick. I will try and make these points as short as possible.

Firstly is the idea of "I think therefore I am". So because we can think about ourselves, others and our surroundings then we have a conscious. I could write a essay on what it is to be human and how its more than just that statement, and that in our own arrogance we have assumed way to much. The crucial point for this post is the "I think therefore I am" taken as a literal.

Secondly the idea that "I remember so I can learn". Another fundamental thing that we have assumed makes human beings somehow different from everything else. Its in this statement that I think we as human being have made a horrible mistake in dealing with mental health.

We know we age because of corruption of the DNA strands on replication. This is a known fact not some scary thing calling him/herself god telling us. Its been observed and held to the highest of investigative and scientific standards.

So why mention the above how does that link the other concepts. This is where I think, there may be a clue to whats really going on inside the brain of someone like me. I have in the past spoken about tipping points and that fits neatly within this also.

So I ask the question "Is it possible that the replication of memories leads to mental illness? In that each time the memory is accessed it is corruptly stored, until a point where the data is so scrambled it causes a meltdown of some kind. PTSD, and those recovering from Torture certainly show that this is possible. There was an event then sometime after that event things stop working properly.

Not only trauma the great Bipolar debate about did the Bipolar cause the event or did the event cause the Bipolar, again a certain set of circumstances caused the brain to short circuit and then its never the same. Same would happen to a modern CPU in a computer if overheated it would never work properly again with no way of repairing itself. Hence this may be the cause of our own mental illnesses. Not just the fact that they occur and the possibility that occurring due to poor replication or interference. Our system has no way to repair itself. No self healing alternate circuits.

Im not trying to say all the billions we have spent of research is incorrect, in fact with out it I would no longer be alive. There have been times my will to die has far exceeded the voices of reason and of those who loved me. The meds helped me through those times, through the indescribable pain and suffering that comes with it. What I am trying to say is can we look outside the box, is it possible to create a self healing circuit one that sees the corruption and self heals. We do it with file operating systems such as ZFS, so why cant we replicate the same thinking in medicine.

I know this stuff takes time and I am aware there is a huge difference between an electronic circuit in a CPU and the stuff that goes on inside the most complicated computer in the world our brain. But we mapped the Human Genome and the advantages of that are still being felt. Human misery because of mental illness is only increasing as our lives get longer and more complicated. They say the suffering of one is nothing compared to the suffering of the many. But I argue that the suffering of one is one to many.

Horse

Betrayal

2015-08-04T13:49:00.000+10:00

You know there is a point in every relationship, friendship that lasts a long time, when he or she will commit the ultimate sin. For some people its when a friend talks out of school how big her friends butt was on Sat night in the new dress.

For me I wish it was that simple. I shrink away from having to many people in my life. Why? because they are all a waste of time and emotion in the end. They will give up and walk out after telling me 1000 times they wont.

Its never that simple either, betrayal goes both ways and betraying someone leaving them in the lurch is never a nice thing to do. Simply people around me betrayed me so I betrayed everyone to justify the hurt and the pain I was experiencing.

My biggest betrayal is still people telling others about my MI without asking me first. It makes it difficult from that point forward to trust that person till I have spoken with them, and around and around it goes.

Am I overly paranoid. Hell yeah, does this stuff screw your insides up so you cant even contemplating eating Hell Yeah. There are solutions. (1) Minimize risk by minimizing the number of new people i general I have in my life (2) Learn like being gay to wear the marks for my illness with pride and honor, not hide them away.

Finally I have to learn to like myself. Now most people think I am a nice enough guy, and I have learned that redemption is sometimes a road strewn with violence and acts of evil. Where my road ends I do not know and I try not to damage others who come along my path. But in doing so I leave myself alone. All the lights are on but im not here type of alone.

One final thought. Imagine you found out this massive secret a conspiracy that would be used to control those instincts we take for vantage, would you simply let it happen or die screaming freedom and liberty all the way to your executing sell

Lost in the meds.

2015-08-01T22:23:00.001+10:00

Hey all;

Just a warning this will be introspective and probably a bit boring but its how I feel right now. You see since I had the Lithium scare we have taken into account my PTSD what caused it well there are plenty of things that could have. Up until now myself and my Psych have decided that it was not causing any major issues and therefore the treatment for the Bipolar more than covered the PTSD.

Im not sure if I mentioned it or not but I ended up back in hospital after a friend called the police after I had threatened repeatedly to end my life. Police and EMS turned up and didn't give m e much of a choice to be honest. I did scare the cops when they said with us or them. I said or I could close the door chain it and slam the 200 pills OI have and by the time I get to hospital I will be dead. He reached for his tazar, private joke I found funny but he didn't.

Anyway the pysch I saw at the hospital had a long talk and read my treatment plans she suggested that the stay in hospital may have triggered a PTSD event and as such I should now b e treated for it.

Thats all well and good but its more meds, and to be truthful I take enough meds every night. Right now I feel lost, down and alone. My partner understands but I fear I will even push him away if there is no overall change soon . 8 weeks and counting and I am starting to wonder if I need to start stockpiling my meds again, sometimes the end or ending it is a better goal than dealing with all the changes and interactions of the meds. Im spiraling out of control to a point I no longer know which way is up. Im terribly homesick, I miss my beach and its freezing cold water, I miss the pounding of the surf and I miss a place I can no longer go back to its changed that much.

I want to go to Seaspray and go put my feet in the water of the 90 mile beach. Why because to me it reminds me of a time in my life although I was fucked up, I had something to look forward to, I just had no idea as to what that would be

Being mentally ill is hard. Some days even I the strong one breaks, I pray to my gods every night that tomorrow I can get a call and someone can tell me its all been a dream like a bad Star Trek episode. Mostly I long for the ordinary, thats not something I can ever have no matter what my dreams are. Tomorrow is just another Sunday as my life passes me by.

Take care all and pleas if your worried about someone ask them if they are ok, likelihood is they are not. You might just save them from an early end. Me I alone and lost in paradise.

Alone and Lost in Paradise

2015-07-29T00:16:00.000+10:00

Think this song covers how I feel right now. Im tired and down so this feeling should be expected thats for sure.

Please enjoy and check out their other music, in particular "hello", "lies","sober". all great songs

Hope you are all well or at least better than me

Horse

Eve of War ?

2015-06-16T23:48:00.000+10:00

Hi all;

Over the last couple of months a huge Geo political change has been underway, china is exerting its new found place in the world and the USA is moving to block it. How do we find ourselves at the eve of war and why do I think or believe that this may be the case.

First lets talk about the reef's in question, the are atop potentially huge reserves of oil coal and gas that all neighboring countries want a part of. China's claim to the south China sea is steeped in history, and the control of the waters has moved back and forwards between all of the countries bordering the region. This is one of those situations where in normal circumstances diplomats would go back and forward and an non violent solution would be found, and although no country would be entirely happy a conflict would be avoided.

But this is far from a normal circumstance. The USA is strong and experienced after a decade of conflict not just that, we have advanced our weaponry on a scale not seen since the second world war. We in the west have developed new weapons and tactics our potential enemy in china does not have. China sees this as its divine right. By building these islands it gets a further 20 miles of border a border the USA uses with Japan and its allies for movement of shipping aircraft and Naval equipment. The USA will not recognize the new borders and here in lies the road to war.

So why war. Both sides are spoiling for the fight. China wants to extend its power and influence and the USA wants to show the rest of the world its not afraid of its nuclear armed adversary. From a US prospective it could be said it would be in there interests to have this war, and I agree it could. The USA has a lot to lose having China pushing around its allies. It also would have its right to have free trade impeded and we know that the USA would never ever allow either of those things to happen even if it threw the USA and the world into a true Global war. Nato block countries would surely end up included as would most of the non western aligned countries on the side of a potential enemy.

In a conventional conflict the USA and NATO should prevail, but now we must talk about the thing that gets my skin crawling. All of those involved have access to or have their own nuclear arsenal, the question becomes who would use theirs, how much would they use and what would the response be from the other side. Remember that both Russia and the USA have the bulk of all of these weapons. China is testing a Mach5 delivery system and we know the USA is up to something with its current X space vehicle. At the least 2 weapons are used and two cites turn to dust, worst the USA launches an all out response halving the world populations in matter of minutes.

You ask why I say the USA, its because it has the most to lose here, and they are the only county in the world who has used them in anger. A war where the stakes are this high it would be forced into a situation where proportionate response would no longer be a road it could take. The scenarios from this point forward are frightening. An all out tactical nuclear deployment in Europe and between India and Pakistan would also be on the cards. Millions and millions of lives could just be snuffed out in an instant.

Its a set of dire situations that will bring the human race to the edge of existence. I hope that we can avoid this, I hope the reality of it all sinks home to our leaders. However I have little faith that they have the will or the ability to work this out. Then it becomes a situation of who is the strongest. I studied the politics leading up to the first and second world wars as part of my High School certificate, and things look awfully familiar and equally as scary. The arms race is on stockpiles are being built. We are on the road to war, unless someone says enough. Will that be you ?

Lost and slowly dying

2015-05-28T20:31:00.001+10:00

Hey all;

Another move completed, but im not well. I have not recovered from the hospital stay even though they think I have. I have been trying new med combo's but not to much luck with pTSD added to my list of illnesses things are slowly getting worse.

I'm on Valium nearly daily to deal with the anxiety and acrophobia I suffer. My psychiatrist thinks its related to the depressive side of the illness and we are now supplementing valdoxan with another antidepressant.

Secondly after nearly 4 years this site is dying, its either become irrelevant or to hard for people to deal with. I will make my mind up over the next couple of weeks as to if I will close it for good or will keep blogging with the hope it will get read.

I never did it for the numbers I did it to help, but with no one reading I am not helping anyone.

Horse

Lost a beautiful boy

2015-05-19T21:47:00.001+10:00

Lost my kitten today. We moved hnouse over the last week and had kept the kittens inside until yesterday. All went well they had a riot outside. Let them out as I was heading out for doctors and the mechanics today thought nothing of it.

4 hours later I arrive home and my neighbors on the driveway side of the house called me over and introduced themselves and then gave me some horrible news. That beautiful grey kitten in the picture below had been torn apart by the other neighbors ridge backs while I was away. They rushed him to the vets but it was to late.

Calling the council tomorrow but not hopeful much will be done. Im going to go see him tomorrow, say goodbye like I have for every other animal I have owned. He was a great cat loving and close. The neighbors responsible haven even bothered to contact us that just makes me angry.

So to my kitten GT I love you and miss you already. Im sorry I failed to protect you, and I hope you can forgive me.

Horse

Poet

2015-05-09T18:36:00.001+10:00

What I find amazing is that even today a true poet can make amazing music recently discovered poets of the fall.

Check out the Carnival of Rust single and War. Lyrics are something special

So lets talk shall we.

2015-04-09T19:44:00.000+10:00

My blog of late has not been a nice place. That goes with my life and everything in it. Since I was hospitalized for 4 days I have not been the same mentally nor have I had the ability to get back to that point either.

THey took away lithium because of the drug interations, now I have it back but it will be another week before I see it helping.

So I am a sad confused old man, driving in the wrong direction to get to a store only to be told so by the pleasant girl where had all the boxed chips gone. I know I was confused after that she helped me to the car. Then I got angry at myself and came home. Im angry about lots of things. I lost my cigar cutter cigar and lighter all seperatly this week. havent found the cutter yet.

I should be raving on about how annoyed I am with the world but right now the last thing I can do is concentrate on that. I just want to be left alone. I now offically have PTSD, well duhhh there is a surprise took 2 trips to the hospital by ambulance and a 4 day stay for them to work that out. FFS i know its not rocket science but I tick all the boxes.

Im angry tonight going to bed now. I want to just go stupid and fuck the consequences but I know that is the illness speaking rather loudly. Pray for me tonight I don't think I can do this on my own.

To much has happens to quickly. Someone will pay the assholes who nearly killed me will compensate me and apologies to me and the others they have maimed

The Anger Remains

2015-03-31T19:11:00.002+10:00

Im Still angry;

Im angry that someone one of my friends called the police, Im angry that I am out of control, all I wanted to do to the policeman that came here was to hurt him and his partner. The paramedics the works. LEAVE ME ALONE...

I know legally that they cant, but im so angry of being put through it all. For what to be sent home anyway. Why cant I end my life the way I want. Why must I live like this. Its all well and good till shit happens and my world falls apart and no one can say anything or do anything to make it better.

I warned the hospital I would pay for each day they had me there and now I am, so fuck me more reason to want to sue the whole fucken lot of them. No drug interaction warnings nothing yet its known to have killed 350 people. Fuck me is that not a reason to add 1 line to the warnings list.

Im angry and im over everyone. I go to sleep now need to be up in a couple hours and hope that we finish the work tonight. In all im pissed off dont want to be alive and suffering because of it. Welcome to my hell

Horse

THe night in the shadows.

2015-03-29T21:53:00.001+10:00

Well, the menatal health issues continue, I had the police do a wealfare check on me and ended up in the ER again. I want this life over no exceptions just done. Nothing works my world falls apaart and they worried about proceedure.

Yeah she was quick and efficient but dont really listen tried to make her side of the story the one to go on record and around and around we go.

They are rude obnxious and treat me like I am causing a big hassel. Next time I will OD and go sit on my rock, least I can die in peace.

Fuck this town, fuck the assholes in it and more importantly fuck those who think they know whats right for me even though I have 10 years direct experience.

Numb

2015-03-14T00:50:00.000+10:00

The last couple of days have been hard, my lithium levels are now at .2 and falling kidney function is back to normal. All good with one exception, I have blocked out what happened to me.

I should be angry, I should want to scream from the roof tops, I was 12 hours from dying, but I don't. I just feel numb. Please don't get me wrong there is a tension inside, a boiling uncontrolled feeling. It scares me, I need to bleed.

I don't mean to physically cut myself, but to unsettle myself, make myself upset, to release the tension. My psych is worried I may act out, I am strike out as a release. Me im worried I will fly into a rage and seriously hurt someone. Its possible with the past I carry with me. Its almost like my mind is scared to deal with what has happened.

I tried meditation but to no avail, but the tension is showing in my dreams, and ohh god they are shocking right now. So numb it is but soon real soon I need to bleed I need the release.

Horse

So as I write to you what is done and to do

2015-03-08T10:44:00.001+10:00

(so that you will understand and wont cry for this man cause low man is due, please forgive me)

Hi guys. Its been a little while since I last posted. Today I would like to say I am coming to you from a beach, at my desk or even from on holidays, but im not. I have spent the last 6 nights in hospital with Lithium Toxicity. They also have issues with my kidney function that they "found" and is now a reason they want me to stay for more time.

IF they don't allow me to go I will sign myself out. I have been crying non stop I cant cope with being in here and happy to see renal as outpatients but think I will meet resistance.

Please remember with health care you have a right to refuse. The only time they can force treatment is if your life is in immediate danger

Love u all

Horse

Ps post title is from song called low mans lyric

The people who choose not to listen.

2015-02-07T21:30:00.000+10:00

Hello all;

Its been a few days since my last post and time is marching on already into the new year. It will be easter before we know it. I noticed the supermarkets are selling eggs already.

But today's post is not to do with that its to deal with something that in the past week has caused me to get extremely pissed off with people close to me. When I go to the trouble to say something at least give me the respect to listen. 3 times in 3 days I have had to repeat myself and something I said because someone hasn't listen the first time and then they try to blame me for the predicament they find themselves in. I hate the inclination that I was somehow to blame because they did not listen to the advice I had given them. Its annoying beyond belief and made me quite angry.

I think I mentioned in a previous post that my Psychiatrist, is quite worried about the amount of anger I am carrying and the potential for someone to inadvertently push me into some kind of major event. Given my non fear of death or pain, and my violent past, he is worried I will lash out. I haven't done that yet, instead I beat myself up for most of the day, trying to understand what I had done wrong to get to this point. I came to the conclusion that I was not responsible, that the truth laid with those with whom I was angry. They had done the wrong thing by not listening to what I had to say and that the events that happened because of that belonged to them.

I cant and wont take on guilt for things others choose to do, or in this case refuse to do. They need to learn not to lean on me, I have enough of my own problems without trying to save people from themselves. I hate being the one everyone turns to, the one who will put himself out to help others and then have them run away.

In the middle of this I have taken on a project to be honest scares me shitless with am I able to do this, I know I have the technical ability but I wonder if I have the stamina left. So many people drawing from me and 10 days before I need to start to implement the new project. I need sleep right now and lots of it. I need everyone to leave me alone so I can get some rest or I run the risk of a major mental event, im not stupid in this respect I know what I have asked of myself, its risky but I am hoping the end results will be great.

So I sign off this post with well wishes for all during the coming weeks. I may be away for a few days but will be checking back and forward as things progress, I may even do a post or two let you know how I am going. May peace be with you all

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