Expletive Deleted

2014 Book List

2014-01-06T21:19:00.003-08:00

I don't know how many books I read last year, but I know it was a lot. This year, I'm going to make every attempt I can to track the total number of books I do read. As you will probably plainly see, most of them will be horror books... LOL.

1. Patient Zero - Jonathan Maberry
2. King Cave - - Scarlett Dawn
3. Feed - Mira Grant
4. Deadline - Mira Grant
5. Blackout - Mira Grant
6. The Rising - Brian Keene
7. The First Days - Rhiannon Frater

Why A Zombie Would Make A Good Pet

2012-12-12T17:15:00.000-08:00

Note: This is a repost from my HubPages account.

In a perfect world, we wouldn't need pets. They're mostly around to keep us from being bored and lonely, right?

Sometimes, especially if you're the discriminating type like me, dogs and cats just don't cut in in the pet department. Lizards are awesome, but so 1996. So what's a person to do?

I was thinking about that this evening and decided that I would like to have a zombie pet. Though obviously not a traditional choice, I can make a case for them being good companions.

Note: There are some obvious precautions you must take if you decide to take on the responsibility of a zombie pet:

Keep the little guy away from you at all costs. If you are awesome like Michonne, removing the arms and jaws of your pets will prevent some pesky gnawing issues in the future. (Remember, though, if you remove the jaw, it will not be able to eat at all, which means it will expire faster.)
Be aware of where your zombie pet is at all times. If you take it with you to show it off to your friends and neighbors, do not let it out of your sight. Involuntary manslaughter, anyone?
Keep a loaded pistol, a machete, or a crossbow (Daryl Dixon FTW!) handy at all times. It is a sad fact of life that our pets may occasionally have to be put down. No need to take it to a vet, that's just an added, unnecessary expense.

A Zombie Is A Good Pet

Here are the reasons why I think a zombie would make a good pet:

They don't need to go for walkies.
They don't need shots, spayed or neutered.
They won't dig holes in your yard.
They won't get fur all over your furniture.
They likely won't hump your guests or sniff their butts.
No barking!
They won't wake you up at 5AM to be let out.
They (probably) won't chase cars and trucks.
Food is free. Naughty neighbor? Lunch! Boss is a jerk? Supper! Mother in law? (Did I say that out loud?)
There is currently no registration program for zombie pets, so you won't have to shell out for tags.
Your neighbors will all be jealous. (Except the naughty ones.)
No dog dirt to step in in the back yard, and no litter box to funk up your bathroom. (You should, however, invest in Febreeze and those little tree air fresheners, especially in the summer. PEE YEW!)
Zombie groomers... well... let's just say they won't need your repeat business.
Nobody will care if your zombie isn't a pure breed.
They won't look (quite as) dumb in Santa hats and ugly sweaters at Christmastime as other, more traditional pets.
They're more durable that breathing animals. If a body part falls off - duct tape it back on. They probably don't need it anyway. try that with Fido! (Or don't.)

Truthfully, a zombie pet isn't made for the long haul. (Please don't flush them down the toilet when they cross over the Rainbow Bridge.) The good thing is that they're easily replaceable. Though it is highly unlikely that your new zombie pet will have a personality quite like your recently re-deceased one (or any personality at all, for that matter), each one is different.

Please be a responsible pet owner. Do not leave your pet zombie in a car on a hot day. Also, do not leave it unattended. They want to do bad things to you, and anybody else it can get its lips on.

Most of all, have fun with your pet. Especially if you knew it before it was turned. You'll thank me later.

Major Rock Band's Original Names

2012-11-16T11:24:00.000-08:00

This is a repost from my HubPages account. It can't be easy to name a rock band these days. I'd imagine that it would be just like trying to sign up for a new Yahoo e-mail account - all the good names are already taken.

Though some bands name themselves for shock value, many of them choose names that remind them of favorite people, song lyrics, poetry. Some are even named after books and movies, and some just stick with their own names. It is funny, though, to look back and see what some bands' original names were. Some of these might surprise you!

If you know of one that I've missed, please leave a comment and I'll be happy to add it to the list!

The Big List

ABBA - Festfolk - also - Björn, Benny, Agnetha & Anni-Frid
Alice Cooper - The Earwigs - also - The Spiders - also - The Nazz
Alice In Chains - (alternate spelling) Alice N Chainz - also - Diamond Lie
The Allman Brothers Band - The Allman Joys - also - The Hour Glass
Atreyu - Retribution
Audioslave - Civilian
Bachman-Turner Overdrive (BTO) - Bachman-Turner - also - Brave Belt
Badfinger - The Iveys
The Bangles - The Colours - also - The Supersonic Bangs - also - The Bangs
Barenaked Ladies - Free Beer
Bauhaus - Bauhaus 1919
The Beach Boys - Carl and the Pendletones - also - The Pendletones
The Beastie Boys - The Young Aborigines
The Beatles - The Quarrymen - also - Johnny and the Moondogs - also - Long John and the Beetles - also - The Silver Beetles - also - The Silver Beatles
The Bee Gees - The Rattlesnakes
The Black Crowes - Mr. Crowe's Garden
Black Sabbath - The Polka Tulk Blues Company - also - Polka Tulk - also - Earth
Blink 182 - Blink - also - Duck Tape
Blondie - Angel and the Snakes
Blue Oyster Cult - Soft White Underbelly
Blur - Seymour
Bowling for Soup - Rubberneck
The Byrds - The Beefeaters
Cage the Elephant - Perfect Confusion
Chicago - Chicago Transit Authority
The Clash - Weak Heartdrops - also - The Psychotic Negatives
Coldplay - Starfish - also - Pectoralz
Coheed and Cambria - Shabütie
The Cranberries - Cranberries Saw Us
Creed - Naked Toddler - also - Maddox Creed
Creedence Clearwater Revival - The Pollywogs
The Cult - The Southern Death Cult - also - Death Cult
Cypress Hill - DVX
Def Leppard - Deaf Leopard - also - Atomic Mass
Depeche Mode - Composition of Sound
Dire Straits - Cafe Rangers
The Doobie Brothers - Pud
The Doors - Psychedelic Rangers
The Eagles - Teen King and the Emergencies
Faith No More - Sharp Young Men - also - Faith No Man
Finger Eleven - Rainbow Butt Monkeys
Foo Fighters - Late!
Foster the People - Foster & the People
The Four Seasons - The Four Lovers
The Four Tops - The Four Aims
Fuel - Small the Joy
Golden Earring - Tornados
Goo Goo Dolls - The Sex Maggots
The Grateful Dead - Mother Mcree's Uptown Jug Champions - also - The Warlocks
Green Day - Sweet Children
GWAR - GWAARGGGH!!!
Helloween - Iron Fist - also - Gentry (thanks, FatFreddysCat!)
Huey Lewis and the News - Clover
The Human League - The Dead Daughters - also - The Future
Iced Earth - Purgatory
INXS - The Farriss Brothers
The Jimi Hendrix Experience - Jimmy James & The Blue Flames
Journey - The Golden Gate Rhythm Section
KISS - Wicked Lester
Lacuna Coil - Ethereal
Lamb of God - Burn the Priest
Led Zeppelin - The New Yardbirds
Linkin Park - Xero - also - The Hybrid Theory
Lynyrd Skynyrd - One Percent - also - Leonard Skinner - also - Leonard Skinnerd
The Marshall Tucker Band - The Toy Factory
Moody Blues - M & B5
Muse - Fixed Penalty - also - Rocket Baby Dolls
Nirvana - Pen Cap Chew - also - Skid Row
Oasis - The Rain
Pantera - Pantera's Metal Magic
Pearl Jam - Mookie Blaylock
Phish - Blackwood Convention
Pink Floyd - Sigma 6 - also - The Meggadeaths - also - The Abdabs - also - The Architectural Abdabs - also - The Screaming Abdabs - also - The Tea Set - also - The Pink Floyd Sound - also - The Pink Floyd
The Police - Strontium 90
Queen - Smile
Queensrÿche - Cross+Fire - also - The Mob
Radiohead - On A Friday
Ratt - Mickey Ratt
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Tony Flow and the Miraculous Masters of Mayhem
REM - Twisted Kites - also - Cans of P*ss - also - Negro Wives
The Scorpions - Nameless
Seether - Saron Gas
Sevendust - Tomorrow's Pain - also - Rumblefish - also - Crawlspace
Simple Minds - Johnny and the Self Abusers
Slade - The N' Betweens - also - Ambrose Slade
Slipknot - The Pyg System - also - Meld
Stone Temple Pilots - The Patrol - also - The Fireside Chaps -also - The Waterfront - also -The Stone Roses - also - Mighty Joe Young - also - Shirley Temple's P***y
Styx - The Tradewinds - also - TW4
Sublime - Fighting Blindly
Sugar Ray - The Shrinky Dinks
Sum 41 - Kaspir
System of a Down - Soil
The Temptations - The Primes - also - The Distants
10,000 Maniacs - Still Life - also - Burn Victims
Tesla - City Kidd
Testament - Legacy
U2 - Hype - also - Feedback
Van Halen - Mammoth - also - Genesis - also - Rat Salad
The Who - The Detours - also - The High Numbers
ZZ Top - The Moving Sidewalks

In God We... Waitaminute... Did I Say That?

2012-11-13T23:13:00.001-08:00

Ok.

Now.

There are a bunch of folks signing little petitions on whitehouse.gov where your (or someone else's) state wants to secede from the Union.

Yeah.

As usual, I have an issue. Actually - I have the whole damned subscription. As usual.

I'll split my issues into five "talking points."

Because I love buzz words.

Number one: Go on then. GTFO. Don't let the door hit you where some imaginary dude in the sky split you. Seeyalaterbye. But, before you go...

Number two: There goes your federal funding for... everything. Forget your disability payments. Forget the money you've already paid into Social Security. I hope your state has a huge amount of savings, or you will all be home schooling. Forget Pell Grants if you want to further your education, which will also no longer be subsidized to your state/country/dictatorship in any part by the US government. I hope your state/country/dictatorship has top-notch colleges and universities because, well, if you thought out of state tuition was high, imagine how bad it will be for a whole other country. Oh, and I hope you don't like roads. Because you won't have any.

Number three: Should you lose your job, you won't get any unemployment help from the US, nor will your state receive any federal funding for Medicare for your kids or food stamps for your table. I hope you're in the 1%, because you're going to need that silver spoon. You'll probably have to sell it to pay your power bill - which will no longer be regulated by the PUC, so they can jack their prices up as high as they want to once you're officially The People's Republic of InsertTheNameOfYourState/Country/DictatorshipHere.

Number four: You won't be protected by the federal... anything. So, if Oklahoma secedes and they want to invade Pennsylvania, who also secedes (after Oklahoma pays heavy tolls for border crossings to every state/country/dictatorship in between), don't come crying to what's left of the US for any military support. That also means no Homeland Security (YAY all you want, till some terrible shit goes down and you're suddenly overrun with screaming fanatics who will pummel you into the ground and move on, leaving your state as sloppy seconds for the next group of nuts - heh - who decide you have something they want), no FCC, no EPA, no PUC or any other abbreviations or acronyms I have already forgotten (including NFL, NBA, PGA, NASCAR, NHL and MLB). Sure, you may think that the US is already overly regulated but you have no idea what kind of Max Mad shit is going down when you no longer have a safety net. Mix Katrina with South Central in the 80's and add a liberal dose of all that fun and interesting shit that the Taliban likes to do and you have a small idea of what you can expect.

Number five: If you want your state/country/dictatorship to secede, then it forfeits any and all federal monies that it has received or is scheduled to receive from the US government for the fiscal year in which your state/country/dictatorship decides it wants to opt out of the Home of the Free. And, before you go, make sure to pony up your portion of the US federal debt. Cash or money order only because, well, that's how we roll (and you ain't cancelling your damned check - been there and done that).

I am an American, goddamnit. I was born an American and I will die an American. Yeah, I hate the situation our country is in right now. I hate it. I hate it.

But... seriously?

I'm not dumb. I know that this is people just venting. So you don't like the guy that's in the White House for four more years. Whatever. I went through eight years of Dubya and I'm still breathing. Don't forget, though - your dumb asses also elected these bottom feeders that are leaving pecker tracks all over the seats in the House of Representatives and the Senate. So you are just as responsible for the shit we're in as everybody else is. Quit throwing a temper tantrum because you didn't get what you wanted and put your big boy pants on and get over it.

If you're willing to run away when shit gets tough then to hell with you, we don't want you anyway. As every redneck in the bible belt (and how many of those bass akwards states want to quit the union?) likes to remind us, THESE COLORS DON'T RUN. Be a part of the solution, not the fucking problem.

Have a nice night.

Signed,

Your friendly neighborhood atheist.

E Pluribus Unum, bitches.

Ten Of The Best Songs You've Never Heard

2012-11-12T09:36:00.000-08:00

(This is a repost from my HubPages account.)

I love new music, even if it's just new to me.

Since the Hubs I've written about music and musicians are doing fairly well, I thought I'd throw out some of my favorite songs that you may not have heard. These are songs that I love that, for whatever reason, were never released as singles or were and just didn't find success (for the most part). I've never stuck to any one specific genre, so I like all kinds of stuff. Though I like a lot of mainstream music, I dig some pretty obscure stuff, too. If you've heard of these, you are awesome, just like me.

I may share more of these, so I guess this installment is all about chicks in rock. I hope you like them as much as I do!

10. Nocturne - Whore (The Big Fat Whore on Dope Remix)
I heard this song by accident one day, when Pandora played it for me on some random setting. I liked it, and played it again.

When I looked Nocturne up, I was surprised to find that the lead singer, Lacey Connor, was the crazy redheaded woman that liked to stir up trouble on the first season of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels! I think she did Charm School, too - extending her fifteen minutes.

This song is pretty much about refusing to sell your soul for money, and realizing that it really is all that most people want. 'No such thing as the underground / Just a bunch of little people / trying to make themselves big / No such thing as the underground / and it really doesn't matter how far you dig.'

This is the remix version from the Axis of Evil: Mixes of Mass Destruction record released in 2003. I don't care for the original. For the record, I really don't like Lacey's vocal style, either, I think she's too dang whiny. But it seriously works on this song.

9. Kidneythieves - Zerøspace
I got into Kidneythieves a few years ago when I was on my post-Nine Inch Nails girls in industrial rock bent. I love the sound of this song, and the half-sung, half-spoken lyrics.

Zerøspace is Kidneythieves single off the 2002 LP of the same name. They have released a total of three LPs and four EPs between 1999 and 2011. If you like 'industrial light,' looking them up might be a great idea!

I'll be brutally honest. I've read the lyrics to this song many times, and I still don't get what it's about. 'Space in your face, it's the way to get you closer / While you were sittin' on your ass / I drank the f*cking ocean.' Oooohkay.

Regardless, the song makes for great driving music!

8. Snake River Conspiracy - How Soon is Now?

Snake River Conspiracy never found much success. This song, a cover of The Smith's original, appeared on their only full length album, 2000's Sonic Jihad.

The song itself is about someone who cannot overcome shyness. 'I am the son, and the heir, of a shyness that is criminally vulgar / I am the son and heir, of nothing in particular.' It goes on to say 'I am human and I need to be loved / Just like everybody else does.'

One of my favorite trivia facts about this band is that the lead singer for this song, Tobey Torres, is a former stripper. She was eventually replaced by Martina Axén, one of the members of one of my all-time favorite girl metal bands, Drain STH.

Looking at Wikipedia for information about this band revealed that they may have had more employee turnover than our local McDonald's.

Also, from a trivial standpoint, there have been at least four other covers of The Smiths' original. The Russian Lolita-like duo Tatu has a great cover, but I don't think it's as good as Snake River Conspiracy's.

7. The Beth Hart Band - Immortal

Beth Hart has been around forever. She started out in 1993, but her biggest hit was LA Song (Out of this Town) in 2000. She is still making records and touring, but is mostly finding success in Europe these days. Most Americans have never even heard of her, with the exception of LA Song, which was featured on the soundtrack of the last season of the original Beverly Hills 90120.

When I first heard Immortal, sometime back in the late nineties, I honestly though I was hearing a previously unreleased Janis Joplin single. to me, Hart sounds just like her.

I think I heard Immortal on the radio, and went out and got the album. I was lucky to find it, because it never got very popular. She released the album Immortal as the Beth Hart Band on 1996. The whole CD is pretty much brilliant, in my opinion.

Immortal is about doing your best to become who you were meant to be, you already have what it takes. All you have to do is use it. 'Just let your life shine now's the time / what you've been given will / do just fine / just let your love come through / your song for the people.'

6. Halestorm - Bad Romance

I'm cheating a little bit here, because I can't imagine there are many of you who haven't heard the original. Unless you've been hiding under a rock for the last few years, you've probably heard of Lady Gaga. Bad Romance is one of her highest charting singles, and one of the songs that she made one of those super-weird videos for.

Halestorm is a relatively new band, who I happen to think are awesome. This cover of Bad Romance appeared on their ReAniMate: The Covers EP in 2011. It was actually the second of Halestorm's songs that I heard. I'd also heard Lady Gaga's original multiple times, and I love the way Halestorm puts a hard rock edge on the verses and the chorus. Lzzy Hale is an exceptional hard rock/heavy metal singer, and this song really shows what she can do.

5. Lacuna Coil - To Myself I Turned
Lacuna Coil, an Italian goth metal band, has made somewhat of a dent on the charts in the United States. Their highest charting single, Heaven's A Lie, is one of their best songs.

To Myself I Turned is a little different than most of Lacuna Coil's music. Usually, Cristina Scabbia shares lead vocals with Andrea Ferro, they sometimes trade lines of whole verses. This one, however, is all Cristina.

To me, To Myself I Turned is about someone who is learning how to be themselves, and longing for the person they used to be. It's a somber song, but still hauntingly beautiful.

'When did I hear this wind before / Change like this to a deeper roar / I'm starting to bleed another way / I just need some time to complete myself.'

The song, while sometimes seems to make no sense, appears to be a tale, rather than a lyric sheet. It's telling us a story, we just have to decide for ourselves what it really means, or what it means to us.

4. Within Temptation - Dark Wings
Within Temptation is better known in Europe than in the United States. Regarded as a 'symphonic metal' band, they hail from Holland, and have been making records since 1996.

The lead singer, Sharon den Adel, is massively talented and can hit operatic high notes as well as scream like nobody's business. Though they started out as more of a gothic metal band, the newer symphonic sound serves them well. Their breakthrough single was called Ice Queen, and was released in 2001.

Dark Wings, from the 2000 album Mother Earth was not released as a single. It's literal meaning is hard to gauge, but it seems to be about someone dying and their 'light' providing people with what they need to carry on. 'As they took your soul away / The night turned into the day / Blinded by your rays of life / Gave us the strength we needed.'

Like Lacuna Coil's To Myself I Turned, Dark Wings seems surreal, like we are visiting a fantasy land where nothing is as it seems. It is imaginative in a way that a lot of American music is not.

3. Nightwish - Wish I Had An Angel
Nightwish are another example of why I love European metal. Founded in 1996 in Finland, the band may be one of the most popular symphonic metal bands ever. Their sound is huge.

Wish I Had an Angel is from their fifth studio album Once. This was Nighwish's last studio album before singer Tarja Turunen was very publicly fired from the band. (I've listened to music with their new singer, Annette Olzon, and it just doesn't seem like the same band.)

Wish I Had an Angel was a departure for Nightwish. The music was heavier and bassist Marco Hietala also added harsh, screaming vocals. I just love the way the song sounds with the heavy music and Tarja's angelic vocals.

As with many bands who are making music in a language other than their primary one, the lyrics on this one can be confusing. I think the song is much about the loss of innocence and possibly trying to find oneself within the confines of religion and, being unable to do so, rejecting religion. 'I'm going down so frail and cruel / Drunken disguise changes all the rules / Old loves they die hard / Old lies they die harder.'

2. Joydrop - Beautiful
I think, if there's one song on this list that has the most chance of having been heard already, it's this one.

Joydrop was an alt/rock band from Canada that released a couple of records that didn't really chart in the US, 1999's Metasexual and 2001's Viberate. Beautiful is from Metasexual, and was released as a single in 1999. I didn't hear it until about five years later.

Beautiful is about a girl who is jealous of one who is more beautiful, and apparently has everything handed to her because of her beauty. 'If I was beautiful like you / I would never be at fault / I'd walk in the rain between the rain drops / Bringing traffic to a halt.' When the chorus hits, singer Tara Slone lyrically throws up a pair of lyrical middle fingers and the song gets crunchy. 'But I'm not beautiful like you / I'm beautiful like me.'

I never understood why this song didn't become an anthem for ugly girls like me everywhere. Or maybe it did, and I didn't notice.

1. Switchblade Symphony - Witches
Gothic music is one of my guilty pleasures. I won't pretend to understand why people who consider themselves goth do the things they do or like the things they like. If I had to fit into a box with a label on it, it would probably be aging redneck metalhead. Or something similar.

Switchblade Symphony embodied goth rock/metal. From their image to their creepy videos and sometimes confusing lyrics, they had it all and appealed to me because they were something I'd never heard before. They had an awesome metal/goth/classical hybrid that I've really never heard anywhere else.

Witches is from Switchblade Symphony's second album, Bread and Jam for Frances, which was released in 1997. It's a song about scary witches who are going to get you if you aren't careful! 'Your dreams are filled / With blood and gore / Now they're right outside your door / They're gonna get you!'

The song just has an ethereal feel to it, and it's different. Maybe that's why I like it so much.

Chris Cornell - Songbook: Album Review

2012-10-09T13:57:00.003-07:00

This is a review for the Chris Cornell album Songbook, released November 21, 2011, copyright Universal Music and the artist.

Chris Cornell is a name that nearly all rock fans are familiar with. From Soundgarden and Temple of the Dog in the 1990's to Audioslave in the 2000's, Cornell has been consistently on the charts. Though his solo career hasn't gained him as much success as it probably should have, the man rarely puts out an album that isn't worth a listen.

Songbook is Chris Cornell's most recent solo album. It is a record of live recordings from his 'Unplugged' style US/Canadian tour in the spring of 2011. The album contains some of his original material, as well as versions of some of the hit songs he made with his bands. There is even a cover of Led Zeppelin's Thank You and John Lennon's Imagine.

I normally do not like live albums, I just prefer the way studio songs sound. If I want live, I'll go to a concert. And then there's the fact that Cornell isn't exactly known for his live singing ability. But... he's Chris Cornell, and I will buy virtually anything this man releases.

With the first track, I was surprised. I didn't realized that the only performer on Songbook IS Chris Cornell. It's him on stage with an acoustic guitar, in a small club-style, intimate setting. Because I downloaded a digital copy of this record from Zune, the track listing was a little jumbled and the first song I heard was I Am the Highway, which was one of Cornell's hits with Audioslave, and is one of my favorite songs. I was floored.

Chris Cornell is not the most talented singer in the world, he isn't even the best guitarist, but what came out of my headphones as I listened to each of the tracks on this album was pure magic. His voice is perfect for this setting. He hits the right notes, goes off the rails a little to give his listeners a new take on some of these songs. I would give nearly everything I have to have been at one of these performances.

I will be honest, there is not a song on this album that I do not like. Black Hole Sun is exceptional, Thank You is amazing and Call Me a Dog reminds me of why I have so much love for Cornell in the first place. The simple setting, the soulful vocals - combined together they create something that I've never really heard on a live album before.

In today's economy, not many of us have spare money, but I believe that any rock fan worth their salt should dig up a few bucks for this album. You will not be disappointed.

What Would Elizabeth Taylor Do?

2012-09-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

A lot of things happened to me the year that I turned forty.I won't go into most of them here because they were pretty personal. One thing that I do want to share is my new-found love for Elizabeth Taylor.

I want to make this clear first. I have never seen any of her movies. The most I know about her I learned from the tabloids in the late 1980's when they kept calling her fat and made fun of her for marrying Larry Fortensky. I knew she was a friend of Michael Jackson and she did a lot of charity work for AIDS research. I knew she was a Hollywood icon and one of the last of a dying breed, but I've never been really interested in watching her films.

On March 21, 2011, Elizabeth Taylor passed away at the age of 79. Hollywood mourned. It didn't mean much to me other than the passing of another huge celebrity (I was more torn up when Peter Steele from Type O Negative died).

A few days later, I was bored and surfing through the channels on television and came across the Biography Channel's tribute to Elizabeth (she hated being called Liz). I normally wouldn't have watched a show like this, but there wasn't much else on so I decided to give it a try.

In two short hours, I decided who I wanted to be and why.

Elizabeth Taylor Lived Her Life On Her Terms

Studio Publicity Photo (Public Domain) via Wikimedia Commons

Elizabeth Taylor began her career as a kid, which may be why she did so well in Hollywood in her adult years. She made many movies, some were hits and some weren't. She played Cleopatra, she played innocents, she was a seductress - she was a versatile actor that could take on virtually any role. But it was her personal life that interested me.

She was married eight times to seven different men. She was always in the tabloids for dating this guy or having rumored affairs with the other one. She even caught heat from the Vatican for fooling around with Richard Burton when they were both married to other people. You really have to be somebody to draw the pope's attention!

The thing that got me was that she did the things she did in an age where women weren't supposed to be worldly. They were supposed to be good, loyal little housewives that catered to their husbands needs. To me, Elizabeth Taylor was one of the first women to say "The hell with that." It was something she would do over and over.

I'm not saying that I want to have seven more marriages. I'm not even sure I want to get married again, even if I found the perfect guy (unless Phil Anselmo is available). What I am saying is that, after I watched that documentary, I was left with the feeling that I could be who I've always wanted to be. I don't have to cater to what society thinks a 40-something female should be. I don't have kids, I'm not married and working a 9 to 5 career and putting my family on the back burner like so many career minded women are choosing to do. I don't spend my Sundays in a church that I feel obligated to attend.

In no way do I want to be Elizabeth Taylor, and I'm not kidding myself in believing that I could ever really be like her. What she gave me, though, was the courage and confidence to become who I really am. I'm still working on that. I still have doubts and questions. But, whenever I come across a particularly difficult decision, I ask myself "What Would Elizabeth Taylor Do?"

I have a feeling that she won't steer me wrong.

Dumb Amazon Recommendations

2012-06-21T00:07:00.000-07:00

Because I should be sleeping and I'm not. You get what you get when I get the way I get.

Because people who buy walkie talkies also need country music.

I'm guessing that people who eat Ramen also eat Apple Jacks?

This in itself wouldn't be dumb if it weren't in the beauty section.

So I can, uh, heat up my peel-off mask with my candle warmer.

I'm starting to wish I hadn't bought the candle warmer from Amazon.

Since I have walkie talkies, I must also have an iSomething?

A surge protector and a 20-Inch LCD Monitor go hand in hand. Wait. A 20 inch LCD monitor is only $103? Holy shit!

I am One Picky Bitch

2012-02-08T20:29:00.000-08:00

Life is all about choices, and sometimes I take that to the extreme.

I didn't realize how much of a picky eater I am until I moved in with the Fletchers. I guess I'm just used to the way I eat. Then I thought about it, and realized that my pickiness worms its way into other parts of my life, too.

Here's a rather detailed rundown of my food weirdness.

Food:
- I don't like cold food on a plate with hot food. Though I'm less picky about it now, if someone makes me a plate and there is cole slaw touching mashed potatoes, I wouldn't eat any of it. Ditto with salad, applesauce or pickled beets.
- I will go to extreme lengths not to eat dark meat poultry. I will eat dark meat chicken if it's fried well done. For me this is a consistency issue. I don't like the greasiness.
- To that end, I will not, EVER, eat the fat part of a piece of steak, pork, ham, etc. It will make me gag.
- Though I love raisins, and I love oatmeal cookies, I do not want raisins in my oatmeal cookies. In fact, I do not want raisins in anything.
- I hate, hate, HATE onions, and will not eat a raw one. I will eat them cooked if they're mushy. I will, however, eat onion rolls, onion bagels and Funyuns. I like the flavor, but biting into a raw onion will make me throw up.
- The only kind of berry I will eat is a cranberry, and I rarely want those. Strawberries, blueberries and any other kind of berry do not make me happy. I think it's because the seeds in them are really gritty.
- I already mentioned onions, but I won't eat most popular condiments, either. Mustard, mayo, pickles, relish... no, no and more no. I will eat a sandwich dry, but do like ranch or blue cheese dressing on them, too. On a cheeseburger, I want lettuce and tomato only. On a hot dog, I prefer chili, cheese and cole slaw - the only way I'll eat cole slaw when it's touching something warm.
- I won't eat avocados, or anything made with them. Guacamole looks like baby shit and you couldn't pay me to eat it.
- The only way I'll eat artichokes is in spinach dip.
- I love squash and zucchini, but I do not want them cooked. I prefer them raw or stir fried until they are just hot. I won't eat them if they're mushy.
- I prefer veggies either fresh or frozen, but I will eat them from a can if I have to. I also do not want any veggie overcooked, especially broccoli, cauliflower or brussels sprouts.
- I traditionally don't like vanilla flavored anything. I used to call vanilla ice cream 'plain.'

Egyptian Mad Libs

2012-01-19T02:30:00.001-08:00

How the Egyptians Made Mummies

Mummification was a disgusting process that took 70 days from start to finish. After a person died, he or she was carried by a frog across the Nile to a special hut where several men began preserving it. The first thing they did was to remove the body's frank organs to help prevent decay. The foot was pulled out through the nose while the stomach, intestines, liver, and lungs were taken out through a cut in the finger. The organs were dried in natron salt and stored in frothy containers called canopic jars. The rest of the body was washed with wine and vehicles and then covered in natron where it sat drying for 40 days. Once it was completely dried, the body was distant and leathery. The Egyptians rubbed it with sacred songs to help soften the skin. Then the body was adorned with beautiful detectives and wrapped with linen. Next, green amulets were inserted between the layers of linen as the mummy was wrapped. It was believed that they would dance the soul on its journey to Folsom Prison. The mummy was now ready to be placed in a television, where it would live for the rest of its afterlife!

Get your own here!

Why Yes, Yes My Ass Is Chapped

2012-01-11T16:11:00.000-08:00

Oh good lord. There seems to be so much to be mad at anymore. Where do I start? How about with fat?

Lately there has been a media uproar about Christina Aguilera being too fat. Too fat? Seriously? Now, there were some pics taken of her (I think it was at the Michael Jackson tribute concert) that were seriously unflattering. And then shit went off the hook about pictures of her in a Herve Ledger bandage dress. Because, apparently, she was too fat in that, too. For the record, here's the honest to gawd truth.

This is fat:

And, no, that isn't me, you douche nozzle.

This is NOT fat:

No matter which way you slice it, the media is causing women everywhere to think there is something wrong with them because they do not look like this scary skinny attention whore:

And don't you dare tell me that Leann Rimes is "naturally thin." Naturally thin, maybe, but naturally skeletal? I think not. This is what she used to look like when she, you know, ate and stuff:

Fuck you, Leann Rimes, for making people think that a size negative three is NORMAL. Eat a goddamned sandwich and STFU. (And somebody please explain to me how her body got smaller but her tits got bigger?)

What else has got my tits in a bunch? I'm so glad you asked.

If you know me, you know I have no love for ~~The Kardashians~~ Those Who Shall Not Be Named. For the most part, I think they are ALL money grubbing attention whores who are only famous because their dad helped OJ beat a murder rap and ~~Kim~~ Whore Number One has a giant ~~fake~~ ass and a sex tape. But I'm gonna stick my neck out here for a minute.

Khloe Kardashian is the tall one, the one that's funny and seems to actually have a personality. Obviously I don't know her personally, I'd have a drink with her, though, because she seems like she'd be awesome to hang out with.

Her stepmothers have gone to the tabloids with the "fact" that Robert Kardashian knew that Khloe was not his biological daughter, but he loved the girl enough not to ask for a paternity test. Hear that? He LOVED HER enough not to ask for a paternity test. The dude is dead, and can't corroborate these bitches' stories, and, IMO, they need to STFU. Mr. Kardashian obviously loved his daughter and his daughter obviously still loves her father. Like I said, I don't know her, but if anybody EVER had the nerve to tell me that my daddy wasn't my real daddy, I'd fuck them up so badly their own mothers wouldn't be able to identify them.

There has to be a line somewhere. This shit is getting out of hand.

Out With The Old

2011-12-31T13:27:00.000-08:00

A wise person (me) once said "If at first you don't succeed, kick somebody in the balls. It won't help them at all, but you'll be amused for at least ten minutes (that's approximately how long it takes someone to recover from being kicked in the balls... so you'll have a head start)."

So I didn't succeed a lot this year, not in ways that I wanted to anyway. What I ended up with was a slightly more acute vision of myself and the world around me. Since a lot of my friends and family are making "Year in Review" blog posts and such, I decided to be a lemming. Here's my take on what happened to me in 2011.

On June 3rd this year, I turned 40. Now I'm sure a lot of people are like me in that they could never imagine themselves at 40, and when it finally comes, we're left sitting staring off into space wondering "how the fuck did this happen?" Instead of letting it make me feel old, even though I joke about being old, I am very grateful to have made it this far. So many people will never see 40.
On January 13th this year, I got off of a Greyhound bus in Buffalo, NY after a long trip during which I was sick as a dog and after which the bus line managed to lose one of my two suitcases. Naturally it was the one with my bipolar medicine and my jewelry in it. Not that I had the Crown Jewels or anything, but some of those things meant something to me. I've since replaced the clothing that was lost and some of the jewelry.
On February 9th this year, I got my first "draw," as my daddy calls it, for Social Security Disability. After at least two years of not having a goddamned thing, at least I can pay bills now. No, I can't buy everything I want, and I don't expect the government to help me do so. I am considering myself lucky and grateful in this aspect, also. I didn't have to fight for my benefits, I got approved on the first try. Yes, bills do still stress me out, but you can't rob Peter to pay Paul if you have nothing to pay either with.
On March 23rd of this year, Elizabeth Taylor died. This is going to sound strange to you since I am including this event on my list, but I was never a fan of hers. Shortly after she died, however, I saw a two hour tribute to her on the Biography Channel. I found myself amazed at the way she lived her life... by her own rules. I obviously never knew her, but she struck me as someone who didn't give a rat's ass what people thought of her and I feel that she lived a happy life because of it. Yes, she had a lot of heartache, but she was unapologetic-ally Elizabeth Taylor. Now, I'm not saying I want to be her, but I aspire to be like her. Maybe the Biography Channel won't have a tribute special for me when I finally get my dirt nap, but then again maybe they will. I don't want to be like Mike, I want to be like Elizabeth. True to myself above all else. I also will often ask myself WWED? Did you know she hated being called Liz?
On September 9th of this year, my mother died. I haven't talked a lot about this online, because there really isn't much to say. What I will say is that I did not grieve specifically for her. I grieved for what should have been, and the children that my brothers and I were and still are. Although I know I did what I had to do for myself, I wonder if those decisions I made will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I became more aware of the world around me this year. I investigated and educated myself on world issues and for the first time I dug deeper into things like politics than I ever really have before. I learned that I do not fit into any of the following boxes: Democrat, Republican, conservative or liberal. I will take the label "freethinker" however. This year I also stopped considering myself agnostic, and instead became a card carrying atheist. I am also alright with the fact that some of my personal views could be considered conservative.
I lost weight this year. I do not know how much, but it's enough that my sweatpants nearly swallow me whole. I plan to work harder on this in 2012, but not as a New Year's Resolution. (I am no longer going to do those.)
Being so far away from my family for so long now (though not as long as some people) has made me realize now more than ever how important those people really are. I've also learned that family does not necessarily mean flesh and blood. Though I know I do not call as often as I should, or write (ever), and I suck at returning messages and e-mails, those people who I consider family are very important to me. It is what it is. My daddy, my brothers and their families, my cousin and my aunt and their families are all the blood I have left. 2012 is going to be my year to reconnect with them. I don't think a person's worth can necessarily always be assessed by their financial success, their possessions or their achievements as much as it can be by the quality of the people who love them. I know full well that I am more fortunate than most.
I think the most important thing I learned this year (and I learned a shit-ton, trust me) is that those little things that we're always told not to sweat are really not worth sweating. I'm working on not stressing over those things I have no control over. The ones I do have control over, if I do not change them, then it's my own damn fault. (I learned how to take the blame - when I deserve it - a couple of years ago.) But some of those little things can also be amazing. Sometimes a text, or a kiss from a baby, or a knock at your door bearing coffee are what make life a whole lot easier to live. Those things need to be appreciated with love and gratitude.

So 2012 is my year of no resolutions. If the Mayans did get it right and we're all going to perish in a fiery inferno next December, well, I'm ok with that. I've made mistakes, I've done some low-down and dirty shit, but those things no longer define me. I'm secure in the knowledge that I wasn't born great therefore I have to work at it. If I absolutely have to make something resembling a resolution, I'm going to go with two. I am going to take my daddy's advice and do what I can do, this year I'm not talking the talk, I'm going to walk the walk. I am also going to drive home the belief that my life is what I make of it.

Happy New Year!

Be safe. Always be safe.

If I Could Make A Soundtrack for The Walking Dead

2011-12-14T22:29:00.000-08:00

I gave this a lot of thought, and this is what I came up with as a (metal) soundtrack at least for season one. Thirteen is a good number, no?

1. Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train

2. Metallica - The Thing That Should Not Be

3. Korn - Bitch We Got A Problem

4. Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams

5. Pantera - Drag The Waters

6. Disturbed - Land of Confusion

7. Black Sabbath - Black Sabbath

8. Drowning Pool - Bodies

9. Slipknot - Everything Ends

10. Type O Negative - Everything Dies

11. Slayer - South of Heaven

12. Dope - Die Motherfucker Die

13. White Zombie - Children of the Grave

What would be on yours?

Miscellaneous But Amusing Shit

2011-12-11T17:09:00.000-08:00

Oh, I've been LOLing all afternoon.

There is a "Christian" website that I was trolling till I realized it's probably a satire site. At least I hope it's a satire site. What brought me to the page in the first place was an article titled Eminem: Portrait of a Christian Hero. I LOLed. Seriously. Then I hit on an article titled Is Skyrim Teaching Your Children How To Perform "Rim Jobs" and Other Homo Erotic Sex Maneuvers? Also available on Christwire.org is a series of 51 Christian-friendly words for different things, like butthole (the rude sneezer), homosexuals (my favorite: clam dabbler), and testicles (Florida hairy speed bags?). Yeah, much LOLing to do on that site.

The other funny haha is the Google search terms that are bringing people to this blog. My most recent favorites: "is excessive farting grounds for divorce," "top ten fat women rock singers," and "riding the cotton pony panties."

Yeah. Google does make the world go round.

Top Ten Female Rock Singers

2011-12-08T10:18:00.000-08:00

I was making a new station on Pandora One a little while ago, and I only wanted female rock singers. I came up with some of the usual suspects on my own, but I wanted a little variety so I googled "greatest female rock singers." I will readily admit I WTF a lot, but I actually said, out loud, WHAT THE FUCK when I read some of the lists the results pointed me to. I have questions.

How the HOLY HELL is Mariah Carey a rock singer? Did I fall off the planet and get sucked into an alternate reality where shrilly screaming pop princesses are considered rock stars? The only way I can even see her fitting into the category at all is if only her "crazy" were considered. Cause, yeah, some rock stars catch that pretty easily.
Alison Mosshart? Maja Ivarssen? Sharon Foo? What? Who the fuck are these people? I'm not saying they suck. What I am saying is how the fuck do they make the "top" lists when I, a certified pop culture whore, have never heard of them?
Pink is NUMBER 158? What? Are crack monkeys making these lists?
Ok, this is the last one, but it's the biggest. HOW CAN YOU HAVE A LIST OF THE BEST FEMALE ROCK STARS AND NOT PUT JOAN JETT ON IT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE?

Damn. I do get a little heated over little things, so I better get off of that subject before I have a stroke.

I'm making my own list for posterity's sake. And, since those evil ass monkeys can make their insipid little lists (with Whitney Houston on them), I get to put whoever the hell I want to on mine. Feel free to comment with your favorites, or bitch me out about my taste in women, er, music (if you dare). My list is in the order I think of them, not in any other particular order (because the hamsters in my head are a fickle bunch).

10. Janis Joplin. It's impossible to make this list without her and fuck you if you try. (Unless you're only making a contemporary list, then your choices will be very limited since rock is all but dead.) If you think Janis would have achieved fame in this day and age, you are sadly mistaken. In a world of processed pop stars with an emphasis on physical perfection before talent, Janis would have stood out like a (shining) sore thumb. She might have had a cult following, if she had even managed to get a recording contract. She wasn't beautiful by most people's standards, but I dare you to look at photos of her and see the happiness in her face and her eyes and tell me that she wasn't beautiful. Who gives a shit if it was the LSD talking or not. Gone too soon? Hell yes. But don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

9. Joan Jett. She's another woman that didn't fit "normal" society's idea of beautiful, but damn. She gave hope to a whole generation(s?) of women who didn't look like they stepped out of Seventeen Magazine and didn't think like they spent half their time at PTA meetings and the other half at church. It angers me that so much emphasis has been put on her sexual preference (is she? isn't she? who gives a shit?) because she is so much more than any label music critics (or fans) could slap on her. I sometimes wonder if she watches music videos in this age of auto tune and wonders what the hell happened to people with talent. Maybe she just needs to come back and kick everybody's ass. I have no doubt she could do it. With both hands tied behind her back and in leg irons.

8. Ann/Nancy Wilson. The band Heart has been around longer than me, and with good reason. Their album Dreamboat Annie pretty much started it all in 1976, with Magic Man and Crazy On You. Their success carried them through the eighties, and they even had a top ten record in 2010 (Red Velvet Car). The Wilson sisters had it all, talent, looks, talent and more talent. They wrote songs people could relate to and blew us out of the water when the played them. Plus, one of them plays the guitar. Rock on!

7. Beth Hart. You have probably never heard of her, but you should have. Solo and with her band, The Beth Hart Band, she's put out eight albums, and none have made much of an impact on the charts, though she does have a legion of loyal followers. Best described as what Janis Joplin might have been, Hart's vocals are true to life and her music can best be described as classic, edgy rock and roll. If you haven't heard any of her work, go to YouTube and search her song "Immortal."

6. Alanis Morissette. I, like most of the world, first heard of Alanis Morissette when You Oughtta Know hit the airwaves. My first thought was "damn, she's pissed." My second was "I need this album." Jagged Little Pill is a classic, and always will be. Honestly, I've never heard an Alanis song I didn't like. Add to the mix her portrayal of God in Dogma, and you have a recipe for Awesome to the Nth Degree.

5. Debbie Harry. Where would we be without Blondie? Seriously? Debbie Harry even beat Krayshawn (yikes) to white girl rap with Blondie's 1980 song Rapture. I've heard the band referred to as "non-corporate" rock, and they definitely deserved the adjective. Did you know they're still making music? They released an album in 2011. Rock on, Debbie Harry. Rock on.

4. Grace Slick. If we omit the catchy pop music that Jefferson Airplane/Starship put out in the 80's, Grace Slick belongs on this list. Songs like White Rabbit and Somebody to Love cemented her place in rock and roll history. Though she officially retired from the business in 1990 (saying "all rock and rollers over the age of fifty look stupid and should retire"), lurid tales of her rock and roll lifestyle live on. I love her as much for her sarcastic point of view as I do for her music. She's on my list of ten people I would love to meet.

3. Stevie Nicks. Some people do not like Stevie Nicks's singing voice. I am not one of them. She is one of those singers that you just know it's her when you hear the song. Distinctive. With or without Fleetwood Mac, her music is memorable. It's hard to pick one song of hers as my favorite, I'd have to rock, paper scissors between Rhiannon and the Edge of Seventeen.

2. Tina Turner. If it feels like Tina Turner has been around forever, it's because she has. There are very few people in the entertainment industry that can boast a FIVE DECADE career. After leaving the hell that was her marriage to Ike Turner, Tina turned (heh) the tables on everyone and emerged as THE rock chick of the eighties. I can still listen to her classics and remember hearing them for the first time.

1. Melissa Etheridge. With a somewhat country music slant, Melissa Etheridge has been all over the airwaves since 1988. Her slightly raspy voice and the subject matter of her songs place her firmly on this list with no apologies. She's been forced to live a lot of her private life in public and has been an inspiration to many people because of this. Though I don't do live shows, I've read so much about how fantastic she is on stage that I have put seeing her live on my bucket list.

Honorable mentions: Lita Ford, Amy Lee, Pat Benetar, Annie Lennox, Beverly McClellan, Lzzy Hale, Doro Pesch, Cristina Scabbia, Tarja Turunen, Sheryl Crow, Shirley Manson

Music Review: Halestorm ~ Halestorm & Reanimate

2011-11-12T20:12:00.000-08:00

This is another CD that is not new, yet new to me. I was actually looking through amazon.com's suggestions based on The Pretty Reckless (whose debut album I absolutely loved). Amazon gave me link for Halestorm, and I listened to some of the available samples and that was all she wrote.

Halestorm's debut CD, appropriately called Halestorm (the Hale siblings are responsible for the naming of this band), was released in 2009 and peaked on the US chart at number 40. They had two singles break into the US top 10. The second CD in this review is called Reanimate: The Covers EP. It was released in March of this year and is pretty much a six song cover EP.

The first song I listened to on Halestorm was It's Not You, and I was hooked on the rest of the album. The music, though not exactly intricate by any stretch of the imagination, is solid and inspired. Though some of the reviews I've seen of the CD say that the lyrics are cliche, I didn't get that. This is a rock and roll album of exceptional caliber. I Get Off, Bet U Wish U Had Me Back and Love/Hate Heartbreak make me long for the days when we weren't force fed over processed "rock" acts (Nickelback, anyone?) and overtly sexual pop music made by teenagers. At times Lzzy Hale (not a typo) sounds like Anne or Nancy Wilson, sometimes she channels Joan Jett. Either way, this chick rocks. Hard. With cleats.

I picked up Reanimate after listening to their version of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance. There is a cover of Guns N Roses' song Out Ta Get Me, and it rocks. They cover Skid Row's Slave to the Grind, Heart's All I Want To Do, Temple of the Dog's Hunger Strike and The Beatles' I Want You. All are killer tracks.

My only disappointment is that Halestorm will not be releasing new music until sometime next year. I'll just have to make due with what I have.

Halestorm: On a scale of zero to ten stars with zero being the worst, this album gets TEN STARS.
Reanimate: On a scale of zero to ten stars with zero being the worst, this album gets TEN STARS.

Buy Halestorm from amazon.com.
Buy Reanimate from amazon.com.

Music Review: Five Finger Death Punch ~ American Capitalist

2011-11-06T17:50:00.000-08:00

Five Finger Death Punch. I was a little excited about this CD and downloaded it on October 11th when it released. I am a relatively new 5FDP fan, having followed a YouTube link from my cousin's Face Book. I fell in love with them almost immediately and had to have both of their official albums, The Way of the Fist and War is the Answer. I loved them both in their entirety. I literally could not find a song on them that I didn't like. Which is why I was so excited over this new album.

And also why I was so disappointed.

Though American Capitalist is a good album, 5FDP set the bar pretty damned high with their first two albums. They created a standard by which all of their future releases will be judged.

From a metal standpoint, this record just does not "bring it," not for me anyway. IMO, it's too melodic. If I wanted to hear Linkin Park I'd ~~shoot myself~~ listen to Linkin Park. That's harsh, I know it.

There are a few songs on this CD that are mostly hard, namely Menace (excluding the chorus). My favorite song on the album is Coming Down. I did like the lead single, Under and Over It, which does pretty much set the tone for the rest of the album.

Again, I am not saying this is a bad record, it just isn't what I expected. Maybe I wanted too much, but I wanted the music that made me love this band. Not a commercial, radio friendly version of 5FDP. Regardless of what I've said here, this album is more than marginally better than anything labeled as rock or metal these days. I just hope this isn't a sign of what's to come with this band. I know the money and fame must be addictive, and I can't say what I'd do in this situation. I just feel a little let down.

On a scale of zero to ten stars, with zero being the worse, this album gets SEVEN STARS.

Buy American Capitalist by Five Finger Death Punch from Amazon.com

Five Reasons Why: You Should Watch AMC's The Walking Dead

2011-11-06T14:39:00.000-08:00

Though you probably don't need any extra reasons to watch The Walking Dead (AMC @ 9:00 PM EST Sunday nights), I thought I'd think up a handful of reasons why you should if you don't already.

ZOMBIES! Yeah. Everything is about zombies these days. Television, movies, books, graphic novels. Know what I have to say about that? 'BOUT DAMNED TIME. Though my first love will always be vampires, I've had enough of Count Sparkula and his roving gang of merry vegan vamps. Zombies only have one need: FOOD. They can't be reasoned with, they don't get tired or need to sleep, and they don't ever stop. This is why they're so damned terrifying.
Though zombies aren't an original idea, this series is. Adapted from a comic of the same name (available at an amazon.com link near you), the show follows a band of survivors as they try to live through the end of the world. Their stories are real, as are their fears, hopes and dreams.
Daryl Dixon. Norman Reedus. FINALLY! It's cool to be a redneck! Every rag tag group of zombie apocalypse survivors needs one bad ass to get them through the throngs of the undead. I was afraid when we met Daryl that he was going to be a stereotypical redneck, and he is, but he has a lot of depth. And an itchy ass. I sometimes have trouble with wanting to call him Dime Bag, though. ;)
The WTF moments. Also known as "they did NOT just do that!" The writers are doing a good job of giving us characters that we just love to hate. Though the characters are not stagnant or one-dimensional, the script often takes us to places that we didn't see coming. The last episode, well, I won't tell you who and I won't tell you how, but someone bought the big one in a way that has kept us talking all week.
Excellent television programming. Most of the network stations are mired in sitcoms, reality shows, singing competitions and cop dramas. AMC dares to be different. Much like FX with Sons of Anarchy, The Walking Dead is waking people up and tuning them in to this channel. I can honestly say that I sincerely hope the trend continues. Some of us are sick of the crap that network tv thinks we want to watch.

Don't forget, Sundays at 9 EST on AMC. If you want to catch up on season one, it is available on NetFlix or you can buy the DVD boxed set from amazon.com.

Blowing Mud

2011-11-02T12:08:00.000-07:00

A while ago, I wrote a post about euphemisms for getting your period. Today we're going in a different, but equally disgusting direction. How can you tactfully say "I've got to shit" without making people nauseous.

My personal favorites are "the green apple splatters" and "bubble guts." I found some others that made me laugh so hard I thought I was going to have to "commit myself to the dumpatorium." Of course, you can always "storm the castle."

Euphemisms for taking a shit:

Download some mudware.
Fill the peanut butter jar
Hit paydirt
Make a grunt scuplture
Paint the bowl
Punish the porcelain
Sink the Bismark
Barbarians at the gate
Bunghole train has left the station
Contaminating the dog dish
Drilling for mud bunnies
Helping the ground hog find his shadow
Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages
Polluting the pond
Singing with Michael Bolton (?)

Euphemisms for diarrhea:

Brownie batter
Liquid bummer
The Schlitz
Code brown emergency
The Tijuana two-step
Number three (two plus one!)
The chunky sputters

Euphemisms for farting:

Anal salute
Let each little bean be heard
Rebuilding the ozone layer
Trouser cough
Barking spiders (if you stomp your feet when you fart, you can announce you're "killing the barking spiders")

You MUST read the "fart etiquette" part of this page.

Book Review: World War Z:An Oral History of the Zombie War ~ Max Brooks

2011-10-31T21:08:00.000-07:00

Book Review: World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War ~ Max Brooks

From amazon.com: Brooks tells the story of the world's desperate battle against the zombie threat with a series of first-person accounts "as told to the author" by various characters around the world.

This is exactly what this book is. It's told in excerpts from interviews with people who lived through the zombie apocalypse from it's beginning to the end of the "war." There are many different "interviewees" and each tells his or her story from a unique perspective. There are civilian, military and political points of view, and each tells a different aspect of the fight against the undead.

The book itself is unique, and so is it's premise. We've been assailed with zombie tales in recent literature and, while I hope this is a trend that continues, it's going to be difficult for writers to come up with unique points of view. Mr. Brooks doesn't have that problem here.

Those interviewed range from a Chinese doctor who shares his experiences from the beginning of the war to a Russian soldier describing the horrors perpetrated on her army by it's superiors. My personal favorite is the story of the blind monk who managed to hold his own in the wilderness.

We are told about military operations that failed miserably, accounts of families heading northward to escape the zombie horde, and American politician's struggles with having to basically decide who gets to live. Reading the book, I honestly could envision people making those same decisions. To me, if zombies came calling tomorrow, I would expect the world to fall apart the way it did in this novel. I would also expect the indomitable human spirit to rise up against the undead army and take back the world from it.

What Mr. Brooks has done here, and has done well, is written an excellent piece of zombie apocalypse fiction. The interview style is a novel idea and it made the story fresh and interesting. The writer also showed a vast knowledge of different countries' military and cultural practices, especially evidenced by the interviews with the Chinese doctor.

My only real issue with the novel is that the different people telling their stories all seemed to be using the same voice. Though the names changed, as did the tales, the voices stayed the same. It became somewhat confusing when interviewees were revisited. I'll over look this issue, though, because this book was that damned good.

From beginning to end, I found the book to be interesting, riveting and highly recommendable.

On a scale of one to five stars with one being the worst, I'd give this book FIVE stars.

Side note: I've been reading about the film adaptation of this book (with Brad Pitt, no less) and they're apparently going to end up turning this into a regular old zombie movie. That would be a BAD move, as this is an exceptionally told story that deserves to be told the way it was written.

Buy World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks on Kindle from amazon.com.
Buy World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks in paperback from amazon.com.

SPAM!

2011-10-30T22:41:00.000-07:00

Spam. It comes in a can and loosely resembles meat. I've been trolling the internet for years but lately I've come across a myriad of ways in which spam is offered by the Hormel company. Here are a few of the most... er... succulent varieties.

Spam Meat Spread. It looks like a cross between potted meat (which I've always called potty meat for obvious reasons) and deviled ham. (link goes to walmart.com)

Spam Oven Roasted Turkey. Oven roasted turkey. If you believe that, I have some land in Florida I can sell you... cheap. (link goes to walmart.com)

Spam Lite. For the health conscious among you who do not care what you put in your mouth. (link goes to walmart.com)

Hickory Smoke Spam. For, uh, whoever wants their canned meat flavored with a little bit of liquid smoke. (link goes to walmart.com)

25% Less Sodium Spam. Heart healthier? (link goes to amazon.com)

Spam with Cheese. The reviewers seemed to like this one, except for Mr. Chunky Monkey who asked "where's the cheese?" (link goes to amazon.com)

Spam Hot & Spicy. For those of you that like a little muy calliente with your lips and assholes. (Sorry, that's hot dogs, isn't it?) (link goes to amazon.com)

Spam Classic Singles. For those of you who, you know, live alone and don't want to open a whole can of Spam because you don't think you'll eat it before it becomes penicillin in your fridge. (link goes to amazon.com)

Spam with BACON. The holy mother of all Spam products. As Paula Deen (might have) once said "there's nothing a little bacon can't fix." (link goes to amazon.com)

Wikipedia alludes to the flavors black pepper and garlic, but I couldn't find any representatives of those for sale on the web. There was even a limited edition "golden honey grail" in honor of Monty Python's Spamalot. (these two links go to wikipedia.)

for your viewing pleasure: green eggs and Spam!

Mackie's Haggis and Cracked Black Pepper Crisps

2011-10-30T19:42:00.000-07:00

Seriously? Haggis flavored potato chips? WTF is haggis, you ask? Well, wikipedia says it's "Haggis is a dish containing sheep's 'pluck' (heart, liver and lungs), minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, and salt, mixed with stock, and traditionally simmered in the animal's stomach for approximately three hours." Yeah. So it probably tastes like ass.

Now someone's gone and made potato chips (crisps, for you non-English people - meaning: me) flavored like this stuff. I haven't actually eaten haggis, but if it tastes as bad as Menudo smells, well, I'll take a pass.

Short Story Reviews: Zombie Weekend!

2011-10-30T16:49:00.000-07:00

I downloaded a few free short stories and thought I'd share the wealth. All links go to Amazon.

Goddamn Redneck Surfer Zombies by Michael Jasper
Every summer the dead rise to... ride the waves? On coffin lids, no less. "So we taught the zombies to surf... At least we didn't have to worry about anyone drowning."

Zombie Joe and the Pogo Stick Legs by Geltab
Zombie point of view. Joe wanders into a diner in search of waffles instead of the usual grey matter fare and hilarity ensues. "About mid life makes a nice, medium rare brain, very enjoyable, you can almost taste the dissatisfaction."

LZR-1143: Perspectives by Bryan James
This is a standalone collection of six short stories, each about different victims of a zombie apocalypse. Though at times confusing, this collection is long on horror. It's part of a series of novels of the same name (LZR-1143).

Music Review: Everlast ~ Songs of the Ungrateful Living

2011-10-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

Music Review: Everlast ~ Songs of the Ungrateful Living

I've loved Everlast for a long, long time starting with House of Pain. His voice is unique and the talent and perspective he brings to his music is undeniable.

I'm almost ashamed to admit this, but I didn't even know this album was coming, I found it by accident signing up for a Face Book music service. And I'm so glad I did.

Songs of the Ungrateful Living is his first album in three years and Everlast has come a long way since Jump Around. Virtually every song on this CD has a message that's relevant and sometimes poignant. His voice is his trademark, as are his honest and compelling lyrics. This album goes pretty much everywhere, some tracks sound like rockabilly, nearly even country. But it's all Everlast. The lead single, I Get By, is pure social commentary. "Every single day, I get a little more behind" and "I voted for some change and it's kind of strange, now that's all I got in my pocket." My two favorite songs here are Moneymaker and Long At All, though I liked every track on the album.

I know money's tight, but this CD is worth every penny.

On a scale of zero to ten stars with zero being the worst, this CD gets TEN STARS, and earns every one of them.

Buy Everlast ~ Songs of the Ungrateful Living on CD and mp3 at amazon.com.

(At Least) Ten Reasons Why A Vibrator Is Better Than A Real Man

2011-10-17T17:23:00.000-07:00

Because one of my besties is threatening to get her friends gift cards from an adult toy store for Christmas, I thought I'd make a related post. Sort of. (And because I'm a funny mother fucker, too. :P) So. Yeah.

I'm going to start with ten reasons why I think vibrators are better than real men. Now, if you're a dude, don't get all holier-than-thou. This is all in good fun. I'm in no way a man basher. I happen to love men. Especially if they bear strong resemblances to Eminem or Vin Diesel and aren't alcoholic, women beating cro magnons (or paxcil addicted momma's boys). Yeah. I put the fun in dysfunctional, folks.

Here we go.

(AT LEAST) TEN REASONS WHY A VIBRATOR IS BETTER THAN A REAL MAN

I don't have to talk to it.
I don't have to cuddle with it.
All it really wants from me is a bath and fresh batteries.
It doesn't get upset if I have a headache.
It NEVER finishes before I do.
It won't cheat on me.
I'm not going to catch anything from it (like an untreatable case of the babies).
It will not snore.
It will not hog the covers.
It will not subject me to endless hours of football.
It doesn't care if I'm wearing my good panties or not.
I'll never have to swallow.
It'll never get anything nasty on my face or in my hair.
It's never going to ask me to make it a sandwich.
It'll never need viagra.
It doesn't cause any drama when it's time to replace it.
It'll never ask me how big my last boyfriend was.
It'll never compare me to it's last girlfriend.
It'll never have a fit if I have other vibrators.
It'll never fart and then hold my head under the covers.
It'll never get busted watching porn.
It won't leave it's dirty underwear in the floor.
I don't have to worry about it getting along with my friends.
It doesn't care about my taste in music.
I call call out whatever name I want to. :)