[+]

2012-03-24T17:03:00.001+08:00

[+] Akhir.

Cukup.

I can't do this anymore.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Fuck all of you. I'll see you all in hell.

2012-03-24T10:08:00.013+08:00

[+] Pencerahan, penafian.

Katanya, aku penakut. Pada masa depan. Pada semuanya.

Sebab tu aku tak ke mana.

"Tak payah la slacker sangat."

(Okay. Secara spesifik)

Dah beratus kali aku katakan padanya, aku mahu tamatkan kisah riwayat ini secepat mungkin. Aku sudah lelah dengan dunia ini. Jadi aku mengeluh, dan lebih mengeluh. Kadangkala menendang, menerajang: Jadi kisah separuh masak yang tak pernah sudah. Secara rahsianya, punya dua sisi dalam cerita ini: Separuhnya seperti cuba meraih sedih dan separuh lagi, menggugutnya dengan kebenaran realiti hidup di abad 21.

Fuck! Terlalu ramai orang depressif dan tak berperisa di abad ini.

Mungkin kerana penerapan kesedihan itu memang ada dalam budaya dan tamadun manusia buat semua jadi sama. Generic as fuck. Tambah pula dengan kurangnya pilihan-pilihan persekitaran sihat buat kita mengkonsumi setiap momen keberadaan ini dengan pelbagai kemungkinan, kesedihan dan kemurungan buatan kita sendiri.

Namun ianya tampak natural, seperti udara kotor yang setiap hari kita hela dan sedut, lalu mengelinap masuk ke dalam paru-paru. Merosak namun itu sahaja pilihan yang ada. Adiksi duniawi yang sentiasa dihalalkan masyarakat. Tampak lebih cool lagi bila si rockstar bermasalah menyanyikan versa-versanya bersulamkan kemurungan di lensa kamera. Atau, apa sahaja alasan-alasan yang kau pernah diciptakan dan diceritakan kisahnya seribu tahun dahulu.

Tapi seperti biasa, ia adalah punat "defense mechanism" paling logik untuk kutu-kutu seperti aku, automatik umpama melambung syiling untuk mengetahui nasib hidup, tapi masih kelat dan berjari tengah pada dunia.

Dan tiap kali aku ceritakan padanya, tentang nasib hidup, takdir dan masa depan: tetap saja dia ketawa mengejek.

"Belum lagi tiba masanya lah. Kau harus hidup. Harus."

..Aku tatap kulit-kulit mati yang membalut dan melekat di seluruh tubuhku, lalu mengopeknya sedikit demi sedikit. Hingga berdarah dan mencacatkan.

"Hiduplah. Dan ceritakan aku parut-parut lampaumu."

Kemudian aku menulis. Dan menulis. Dan menulis.

Walaupun tak bertujuan.

Atau berperasaan.

2012-03-23T14:34:00.004+08:00

[+] Sanity, sometimes.

2012-03-23T09:23:00.003+08:00

[+] Pangkah hati, pergi mati.

"Knock! Knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Knock!"

"Knock who?"

"Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door la, noks. Aww."

Okay. Tak funny.

*

Ah! Malas gua.

Dah la semak, menyesak pulak.

Gua ingat nak tulis benda simple-simple kelakar jelah.

You like that, dont'cha?

2012-03-22T11:32:00.003+08:00

[+] The Age of Reason.

"Sometimes I forget what I look like. Then I pass a mirror and I remember. I stare sometimes...at my face...and I can't recall who I was before."

Richard Harrow, Boardwalk Empire.

2012-03-22T00:58:00.015+08:00

[+] Peran.

Untuk hari ini. Sarungkan tabah, pakaikan cekal, tenanglah diri.

Waktu sepuluh matahari sedang marak membakar, menghentam semua harapan dan penyesalan-penyesalan semalam, sayap-sayapnya itu dingin mendakap perlahan tubuhku, hingga membiru. Tenang adalah ini, bila dia disisi dan nafas-nafas yang selalunya resah mendesah, seolah terhenti. Imitasi hidup yang selalunya, disalaherti dengan kontradiksi diri sendiri. Empati, untuk difahami dan dihargai. Bukan dikhianati melankoli.

Jadi bersimpuh sopannya dia, merenung dan merenung tanpa bicara, hilang liuk tona suara bergabung semua rasa. Hilang sumbang sifat dan silat bahasa jenaka. Kelat tubuh kini mula bercerita dengan sendirinya, berbicara dan berbicara tanpa selindung, jauh dari kompleksiti belati mata pena yang sebelum ini hanya mahu menghunus menghukum, membunuh halus ruang-ruang saniti dan keberadaan diri.

Jujur lah. Pada dunia, atau pada neraka yang seterusnya. Umpama gagak atau serigala, yang hanya akan meluntur warna-warna bahagia bila tiba waktunya. Bila selesai semuanya.

Namun, masih ada semangatnya.

Itu janji aku pada dia.

2012-03-21T19:29:00.013+08:00

[+] Gusar, dalam bentuk kata-kata.

Jangan datang malam ini, Aurora. Jangan cuba membisik dan mengingatkan aku pada versa-versa janji subuh itu. Kerana malam ini, aku sedang menghurung kecamuk, mengamuk, berperang dan menggali liang kuburku sendiri bersama malaikat-malaikat imajinasi diri. Yang akhir kisahnya, bersugul sepi. Menjadi sekam dan kerosene pada api.

Jadi jangan datang malam ini, kerana tangan-tangan kotor yang masih berbau tanah ini, hanya akan cuba merangkul susukmu, lalu mengheret dan menghumban dirimu sekali, jauh ke dalam relau neraka peribadi ini.

Lalu bisik dia, melalui syair suara Nick Cave, sambil menyeringai pada jiwa.

"Give God what belongs to God, and give the rest to me, tell Our Gracious Host to fuck himself, it's time for us to leave." (Little Empty Boat, The Boatman's Call.)

It's not funny, when the mundane is trying hard to stay sane.

Really.

2012-03-19T20:55:00.009+08:00

[+] When they say jump, you'll say how high.

What doesn't kill you defines you.

A person can't escape their nature. If someone has something on you, they are always going to have it. It's the regular doing the regular, again.

Oh well. Just another false alarm..

Tsk, tsk.

2012-03-19T17:53:00.004+08:00

[+] Serigala terakhir.

Semalam, katanya.

"Tsk, tsk. So pathetic. Look at yourself, man. What have you become. Docile in a lotta ways, loyal and blind at the same time. You even have to work on sunday. The man really know how to screw you eh?"

I paused, looked at her, and took it like an idiot.

I should've taken the blue pill instead.

2012-03-17T17:52:00.009+08:00

[+] Beri aku tenang, untuk hilang. Untuk pulang.

"Oi! Kejarlah sang cahaya itu.." Bisik dia yang bertenggek di kanan bahu aku, satu malam ketika semuanya terasa stagnant, banal dan fucking meaningless. Out of nowhere. "Tak ada gunanya mengejar, bertaruh untung nasib pada yang tak pernah pasti. Cahaya itu, adalah kebahagiaan eternal yang kau cari-cari selama ini." Bisik dia lagi.

"Mana kau tahu?" Soal aku.

"Aku sentiasa tahu, dumbass."

"Kalau aku sesat, macam mana?"

"Aku ada. Jangan risau."

Yeah, right.

Dia ingat senang macam menyanyi korus lagu Coldplay Fix You ke apa.

Yang the one that goes.

"Lights will guide you home.."

..and all that crap.

Mungkin betul kata si Murakami dalam Kafka on the shore, "Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing direction. You change direction, but the sandstorm chases you."

Lantas aku capai senapang imajinasiku, isi peluru-peluru saniti secukupnya dan mengamuk sepanjang malam pada dunia.

Di sebelah kiri bahu, dia sibuk mencatit. Sampai tak cukup buku.

..Sambil berdekah ketawa.

Kelakar sangat lah tu.

Cilaka.

2012-03-16T20:22:00.006+08:00

[+] Penyalaknya menghilai ramai, ikut piawai. Kampung tergadai.

Halau, kacau
Tanam, risau
hiris limau
Jiwa memulau
harimau mengiau
manusia berkilau berkicau
kekang hijau nasib berkocok daun pakau
menilau-nilau macam santau
merelau, melangkau
meninjau, mengimbau
Mengimbau.

2012-03-14T23:02:00.002+08:00

[+] The drive, the advise.

Joe: I'd better get back.

Bob Henry: Guess I'm not much to give advise.

Joe: No, I guess not.

Bob Henry: No I guess not? But i think of you and your brother a lot. What I'm saying is, is people who do good, Joey. They have a family, a job. I had a job. Swept floors, made a living, I had a pension coming.

Joe: I gotta go..

Bob Henry: What I'm saying is, there are good people, Joey. And then, there are people like me. Don't get caught in the wrong side of that equation. That advise, I can give.

Joe: I gotta go.

Bob Henry: Okay. *pause* See ya later.

*Bob Henry lights a cigarette*

Trailer, here:

(Just so you know, I can watch this again and again.)

2012-03-12T23:44:00.002+08:00

[+] Dunia milik mereka: Yang muda dan berbahaya, selamanya.

Jelas kata-kata mereka. Dunia ini milik anak muda. Atau sekurang kurangnya, pada mereka yang masih percaya. Milik mereka: yang bergeliga, yang gila, yang bertenaga, yang menyelam mencari, meneguk, merentap, menyedut dan mengetuk tanya. Yang tak pernah berhenti berusaha. Yang selalunya, masih punya kekosongan di dada. Melorek pandai, bersilat kata bersulam makna: Memajak semua bahasa dewasa.

Tapi aku percaya akan ada satu ketika, waktu lanjut semua usia mereka, untuk diduga dan terduga. Detik akan bersalin kulit, putih beruban rambut usia dan lupa semua makna yang di carinya, ditelan janji iblis-iblis bercelana manusia, tersenyum menyeringai umpama serigala dibalik bertopeng paranoia. Lantas melebur menghilang semua janji yang pernah ada, pada jiwa.

Pada dia.

Lalu seratus hari menjadi sedekad, kemudian seratus tahun, dalam metafora celaka. Dan ditelapak kakimu, mula terasa bahang apinya.

Ah. Biar berhabis semua dangkal, timbul tawakal bila terduga akal.

Mungkin.

2012-03-11T15:30:00.000+08:00

[+] Reclamation.

Boys never play fair.

Like dogs in heat, biting air rather than meat.

Yes. By choice: I am a failure, but not your failure (for that matter). I stand by all my rants. You're free to judge and respond. I don't fuckin' care. And you can’t kill me with memories.

Ever.

2012-03-10T21:25:00.005+08:00

[+] Daddy-o, O'Kerouac cat.

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.”

(If this does not do justice to the novel, I really hope its a fuckin' good try, at least.)

2012-03-09T22:46:00.000+08:00

[+] Of anonymity and kindness.

2012-03-08T12:37:00.008+08:00

[+] All jaded punks are still good-hearted fools, although sometimes: a little too bitter. (or at least, in some sort of that form.)

Yes, yes.

I know she reads a lot of stuff these days, mostly the things I don’t really want to get my hands soiled again, whereas discussing topics I seldom touch anymore. I’ve gone rusty on these sorts of topics. I waste too much time with my self musing these days, too lazy to work or think thoroughly. Its the the act of escapism all lazy fuck ups like me do. But the other day, we had a little sort of argument. It started as a joke, about how the hypermarket culture has taken over and shuts down small businesses completely. I laughed and told her its the way of the world these days. Nothing can escape the big corporate wolves. And just like that, she snapped and launched a series of punk rock preaching.

(In the older days, we call’em "the-politically-correct-ho-down", po-po style.)

Ehem.

Mostly, she rants about isms and skizms, the perfect utopian ideas and about how long the multinational companies, the capitalist system and the powers that be has been fucking with us for god knows how long, putting us down and taming us all. Yep, yep. Sheep like mentality, the only recipe for democracy. She was pissed about how the human equality campaign has being unjustly manipulated by them and now it has become one of the political tool for parties both ruling and opposing to fight over votes for the next coming election. Then she goes on and on about the anarchism, the recent oil hike, inflation, the declination of the social media rights and feminism, here and there, everywhere. She was on fire when she talk about philosophies too. Oh yeah, pretty heavy utopian stuff there, man.

I know, she cares too much.

She told me that I’m not living as a model citizen of the borderless country. I’ve become lazy, a conformist. A weakling. She said I’ve lost the battle, no longer I can take back the life as a punk rocker and a human being. Now I’m just another tool in the system. No punks should be lazy or too ignorant to sleep in this current situation of this rotting country we’re living in.

She then, provokes me, of course.

“Wheres your spirit? We’re been fucked for so many times and the time for revolution is fucking now, man! Take the fucking power back!” she said.

"Yeah, well. Whatever, man. I don't wanna care." says me, bitterly sounding.

Unlike her, the heart is no longer strong and time, is sure one jealous bitch.

"Sissy." She provokes, again.

So I told her, straight.

“Yeah well.. you know, you can take all your utopian ideas of being equal and free and go fuck yourself! I don’t fucking need it, at least no right now. Right now I just want some big fucking hot dogs, the raw and untamed emotions from Church of Misery on my stereo and hopefully, a fucking blowjob from Asa Akira. So, excuse me.”

She smiled. I was joking, of course.

Like that's going to happen.

"So what now? Dinner?" She asks.

"Yeah, It's on me this time. But promise, no more punk rock preaches on the table."

"Okay, okay. Sheesh. So sensitive."

I waited the minute to slide, and say.

"After dessert, okay."

She laughed.

P/S: Happy international woman's day, people. I'm gonna pay tribute and play Man Lifting Banner's Sister later on my acoustic guitar. Whoo hoo! Sister, our time will come!

2012-03-08T08:11:00.001+08:00

[+] Sayap-Sayap Hitamnya.

"Do you know what Hell really is, Thomas? It's not lakes of burning oil or chains of ice. It's being removed from God's sight, having His Word taken from you. It's hard to believe. So hard. I know that better than anyone." Lucifer, The Prophecy (1995)

2012-03-08T07:12:00.000+08:00

[+] Ode, Revisited.

Ini untuk perawi kitab
dan hadis sahih bawah tanah.
Yang masih percaya tentang
hukum hakam do-it-yourself
dan self empowerment

Bersatulah, berjuanglah.
Kerana jihad kecil
untuk memerangi
kejahilan-kejahilan
murakab dan kebodohan
tanpa sempadan
sedang berleluasa

Mungkin satu hari nanti
kau akan menjadi hilang
seperti kaum-kaum
yang pupus.

Namun ia bukanlah satu
perjuangan yang tersisa.

2012-03-07T10:00:00.000+08:00

[+] When in doubt, Play R.E.M's Out Of Time.

Funny, really.

Of the things you greedily want or soak, in this life or the next, of all the slippery winding roads you tend to force everyone to choose, of all the wrong decisions you purposely make just to make a point, of all the people's heart you carelessly break, of all the pretty little lies you tend to swirl, twirl and escape yourself into..

You don't even see.

The two little letters.

Which serves a bigger deal.

"Us" or "We".

Well, well.

Choose.

2012-03-04T09:29:00.001+08:00

[+] The life of others.

Kadang-kadang terfikir, terdetik dan terlintas:

Sekiranya aku tinggalkan dunia ini sebelum keluargaku, teman-teman dan saudaraku.

Dan apa persepsi mereka terhadapku.

Seperti, dia.

Jim. Jimmy. Jimbo. James.

2012-03-03T08:43:00.004+08:00

[+] Raw rhymes, for raw times.

Woman, If you're a force of nature, then I'm the live wire of Steven Tyler. The unstoppable fire of after forever.

Heh.

(P/S: Gotta love Ozzy, sweets.)

2012-03-02T21:14:00.004+08:00

[+] Jumaat, Foo Hoo Hoo.

Okay, SMS "Dave Grohl! Dave Grohl!" kat kutu.

Tekan send.

2 minit kemudian dapat SMS balas,

"Hang cari pasal! Hang cari pasal!"

Tak sampai seminit. Balas "Hehe." balik kat dia.

Dan seperti di jangka, balasannya ialah.

"Na'aram."

Kadang-kadang, ianya menghiburkan bila tak jadi kat diri sendiri.

Sesekali, dude.

Tak salah, kan?

Heh.

2012-03-02T08:06:00.000+08:00

[+] Two Fingers In The Air, Mothers.

Makin hampir, sungguh.

2012-03-01T09:56:00.003+08:00

[+] #22, versi Zombieland.

Ya. Undang-undang hidup harus digubal sekali sekala.

Dan rasanya, ini paling relevan.

"When in doubt, know your way out."

(Untuk undang-undang hati juga, barangkali)

Jadi, ya.

Note to self: You know the drill, dumbass. Jangan la bangun tidur, mamai dan jalan macam kau invisible. Kan dah terhantuk kepala kat pintu bilik air lagi. Sakit tau.