Going Solo

A wish list emerges as a result of the past...

2009-12-09T10:41:00.009-06:00

Leave me out with the waste

This is not wat I do

It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you...

I always drive to work in the morning from the same narrow valley, in the direction towards my work place. In the afternoon, I decided to take the same route I usually take only in the morning. It felt so strange. I knew the road, but the direction was wrong. I didn't know where the road narrowed and I couldn't see the cars coming towards me the way I would when I'm driving on the other lane.

It made me think. How sometimes, when we look at life from a different angle, the perspective changes altogether.

These days have taken on a different toll. It makes me wonder how sometimes, things from the past still return to haunt, but the feeling is different. I have learnt so much during the past months, that no lesson or book could have ever taught me. Unfortunately, good lessons are learnt the hard way. But it's also like overcoming a great illness but the memories of the pain and the fear of it reappearing remains. The thoughts and emotional turmoil of an abusive past fear me again... I know that no matter where he is...no matter what he's doing...no matter what he's thinking ... he cannot hurt me any longer...I feel sorry for her because she reminded me of me, clinging onto his arm for dear life, while he blissfully ignored her.... he will always ignore her ... and she will only see the real him... when trouble knocks...

We all make choices in life and i've made mine... I chose to LIVE and so I left ....in search of better things and I have found. They say you need to taste the bitter to appreciate the sweet. I met someone. I met the opposite side of aggression and anger. I also met a different side of me, the side I thought i'd lost, just like a child looses his innocence, he no longer experiences things the same, vibrant and exciting way he used to.

I will continue to seek inner peace, balance and serenity. I know that I will find it in no place but within. In many ways I have moved forward but in others i realise that I could be stronger. I wish that no words would hurt me, that no memories would haunt me and that the future brings about only images of happiness.

I will grow. I will become the best person I could ever be. I will not hate. I will continue to search for the inner child and keep her close to heart. I will keep up that joie de vivre, which I so admire in myself. Life is beautiful and I can overcome all that I come across. I have myself as the strongest tool and I've my friends who are most treasured.

People always leave - maybe one day I will meet the person who will prove me wrong

Inner Peace

2008-05-31T13:38:00.002-05:00

Just when I feel that I am on my way up to a better, more peaceful life, something, or rather someone, a ghost from the past re-emerges to haunt me. It's a subtle presence, with lots of hidden messages. They leave me to wonder, to re-consider and to dream, but also to despise and to hate myself for having these feelings, which I so worked hard to eliminate from my system. I thought he moved on. I thought I did too, now im left wondering. I don't like being in this state of thought. I don't like breaking down all that I have built. The person I am today is a stronger one, but today I feel weak and unsure. I'm confused about what I am feeling, but most importantly why. Will I ever have a clear vision of what i'm supposed to do?

Everyone tells me to move forward, but i'm stuck here...

A Sampled Heartbeat and a Stolen Soul

2008-05-09T09:30:00.000-05:00

Life as I know it keeps twisting and changing. Evolving into something so new, so different to what I'm so used to. I have come to realise that there is nobody in this immense space, who could care for me, in the way that I could care for myself. Somehow, now, I'm feeling uncomfortable feeling comfortable, with my numbness; with my aloneness. I maybe fear falling into the sordid trap of shutting people and emotions out, to the point of feeling so much happier and protected than when out there. For, in my tiny shell, who could possibly hurt me? All I have is my music, my pen and my thoughts.Thoughts which are focused on a forgotten childhood, lost adoloscence and an uncertain future. But I am content. I am happy to see myself healing the way I am. I don't feel that physical pressing of the rib-cage, right into my heart. I don't feel that sort of pain anymore. What I do feel is my mind racing, constantly working, deep in thought. Will this ever cease, or pause a little, for a while? Will I ever let go and stop trying to make sense of a mirky past and unbearable memories? I have recently had positive days, where i felt freed from some memories, which have enslaved me into a life of insecurities and confusion. Yet still, there is something missing, something not quite fixed. Perhaps, there is still the need for more healing. More time to reconcile and reconnect with myself. To come to terms with who I really am and what I am capable of. For, I have a name, an age, a nationality but I feel no identity.