Dragon's Lair

Pain of growing up

2008-02-17T03:25:00.000-08:00

Heya,

Sorry its been so long since I have posted anything. To be honest I just haven't felt like writing. I have been coming to terms with my evolving roll as a parent, its been kind of hard and a very painful to work this out.

All of our kids have left home....well and come back again...and left again and...., The thing is we want to help our children as we always have but, now that there adults our normal ways of doing things no longer apply. Now that there all making there own decisions and living by there own set of rules and boundaries. Our imposed or seemingly imposed rules dont work anymore.
The problem has been, how do we help our kids but at the same time make them responsible for there own action and there own futures. Whats even worse is they come home looking for answers or advice, but chose not to follow the advice or accept the answers given.

My father once said to me, " The hardest thing I have ever had to do as your Dad is to stand back and let you make your own mistakes. I want more than anything to protect you from the mistakes that I made, but some of life's lesson you have to learn yourself. Even if that means standing back as you do something that I know is going to cause you pain".

I thought I knew what he meant, but I had no clue until I was in that position. I just wish he had lived long enough to share with me how he did it now that I'm in that same position.
Because what we have been doing is not working and because my wife and I have come to the conclusion that the best way to help our children at this point is to stop focusing on there well being and to focus on ours. We are making an appointment with a counselor to get some advice on this. I have gone to a counselor in the past and it helped allot. I'm hoping we can find someone that will help us through this.
You know learning to be a good parent has been one of the hardest things I have ever attempted. Now that my main roll in life has changed from being a full time parent to that of a Grandparent. Its both easier and harder at the same time. I like to look back at my younger self and laugh at how easy and black and white life was and would be. Used to be I couldn't wait to grow up. Now I know that we never ever fully grow up. Funny how that works, the more I learn the more I realise how little I know

Ill keep you posted, and Ill try to post more often.
Dan

Merry Chrismass

2007-12-08T12:41:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone has a great Christmas and a wonderful holiday.

I have been sitting here for almost an hour now typing a erasing. Been trying to say something meaningful but I just cant seem to get my thoughts focused on writing today. So Ill save the deep meaning thing for another day and just wish every one a happy Christmas and a wonderful holiday season.

Taken it easy on myself

2007-11-26T03:38:00.000-08:00

Heya, once again I really have no idea what I want to say. Been awhile since I sat down here and wrote and just feel the need, if ya know what I mean.

Thanksgiving was a good day. Probably one of the most relaxed I can remember. We did absolutely nothing. My daughter and youngest son where here to have dinner with us. It had been awhile since we had had them together for quit awhile.

I'm afraid this last week or so has been hell on my diet lol. I gave myself some time off so that I could enjoy the thanksgiving holiday with out feeling guilty about any weight I may put back on.
You see since I was disabled my life has been very sedentary. Now some of that is do to the disability's, but there is also the ..... well, I was going to say lazy but that is not entirely accurate and its really not being fair to myself. See walking causes me allot of pain. Some days are worse than others but its always there. So my tendency to put off excessive is in part due to the fact I know its going to hurt.
There is the lazy side as well in all honesty. On days where I know it would not hurt as much as others I have tended to still not do anything.
I have been working hard on breaking that habit, and so far since June I have lost 73 lbs. I am still watching what I eat but there have been some days I have been bad lol.
I have discovered just how few calories I really need to get through a day. The most important part has been to make sure the calories I'm taken in are full of the nutrition I need for a day. If I do that then I really don't feel hungry and I loose the weight. If I eat mostly junk calories it is VERY hard not to binge.

Its really amazing how a little exercise, and eating a healthy diet can make you feel. To top that off loosing the weight is really good for improving my self opinion. I walked by the mirror the other day and just happened to glance in it. Walked away chuckling to myself. The thought that went through my head was, "Hey! there you are, where have you been?" Felt good to see my minds eye self looking back at me instead of that other face that doesn't fit my mental image of myself at all.
Don't get me wrong I still have a long way to go to meet my goal but I'm getting there and its showing. :)

Well out of things to write about. Probably because its so late and I'm starting to feel sleepy. Type at you again soon.

Dont forget to say thanks

2007-11-14T17:54:00.000-08:00

Not sure what I want to talk about today so lets just see what happens.

First thing that comes to mind is Veterans day. My bother sent me a note of thanks for answering the call to server. I was amazed at just how much it touched me.

This was the first time that anyone had acknowledge my willingness to serve my county, and I found out just how much it really does mean to be acknowledge. I understand better why those who took on the commitment and the risks involved with service should be thanked. For me if it never happens again its just fine. The simple truth is I never expected it in the first place.

You see I was disabled while I was in the service and have been retired since 1987. I was only able to serve in the Navy for 7 years before I was given a medical retirement (honorable).
I had planed to make a career in the Navy and I guess I have always felt I didn't deserve any acknowledgement for my brief time of service. What I learned from this one acknowledgement was this.
Its not the length of service that mater but the commitment.

With that realization I started thinking about all the people out there that server there fellow man in all sorts of ways.
Fireman, Policeman, Nurses, Doctors, Volunteers, City workers, specially those that keep our water and sewers running.
What I'm trying to say is this. Vets do deserve a specially day. especially war Vets. but don't forget the Vets that didn't go to war. There are many of us out there that took the same commitment we where just lucky enough not to have to have gone into harms way.
On top of that there is the everyday jobs that we should all remember to acknowledge, and those who fill these job.

Take a minute out of your day if you see someone who provides a service for his community and thank him or her. I know from my experience this month it can really mean allot.
I'm just as guilty as the next person for taking these things for granted. Lets all make the commitment to remember them and each other. After all who couldn't use a pat on the back now and again.

Take a Pen for a spin...

2007-11-05T14:20:00.000-08:00

Where did the time go? Seems like it was just a couple of days ago since my last post.

I kind of retreated there for a bit after the 24th. Its still kind of a hard time for me but it is getting better.

I have spent the last week or so relishing being a grandfather. My grand daughter is just a few months past her second birthday. We have been playing and enjoying all the little things such as the mystery of a spoon and fork, learning colors and the names of things. I find it truly amazing looking at the world through her eyes. Everything is so new and so wondrous.

Yesterday for example I watched her make a whole world out of a Popsicle stick a blanket and a little stuffed animal. It was simply incredible to listen to her half formed words and the amount of emotion that went into her conversation with the Stick and the stuffed dog. When it came time for pampa to join in well lets just say I had a lot of fun talking to a stick and a stuffed dog.

Pampa is the name my daughter chose for her kids to call me. The story behind that is this. When I was very little I could not say grandpa, It came out as pampa. Shortly before Haylie was born my daughter came to me and asked if I minded if she taught her kids to call me pampa. When I asked her why, as this totally shocked me and I felt very honored by her request. She told me this. " If your dad had stayed in Arizona with the rest of his family, All of the grand kids would have called your gandpa pampa right?" I told her yes probably as I was there first grandchild. Her response was, well it a great tradition that she wanted to pass on because of the love behind it and she felt that it was a proper thing to do.

Still floors me that she did this and I am trying very hard to be worthy of the title.

I have been trying to bring some of that wonder back into my life. Some where along the path of growing up I lost so much wonder in the world and the the things around me. I know for me becoming bogged down with the day to day responsibilities of life has stripped me of the wonder in the little things, like the Popsicle stick. Think about it, there was a time in all of our lives when the simplest think could send us off to a world of the most wonderful things. I just thought of one of my favorite childhood toys. The rocket ship pen, I explored many a world with that thing, shot down many aliens and bad guys as well.

Funny how all those sayings you heard as a child or young adult start to make more and more sense. For example, "Stop and smell the roses", "This is going to hurt me more than it is you", "Don't be in such a hurry to grow up".

I guess with the Anniversary of my Fathers passing and the wonder of being a grandfather. I have been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster. The amazing thing is that I feel very good. The anniversary was very cleansing to my spirit and my grand daughter has filled my spirit with so much life. Cant wait for my grandson to reach and age where we can start playing together.

Be good to yourself, stop and smell those roses. the next time you find yourself holding a pen, take it for a spin. Who knows where it might take you.

Learning to live with a loss.

2007-10-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

Today Oct. 24th has normally been the hardest day of the year for me. You see Twenty one years ago today my father died of a massive heart attack. Let me back up a bit and explain what has happened to make this year different.

Last year the same thing happened that has been happening since my father died. Around October I started feeling down, frustrated, angry and over all just cranky. Those feelings lasted until Christmas time.

It was rather late at night and I really started to feel sad and missed my father so intensely that it was actually painful.

Instead of doing what I had normally done, which was to find something to distract me from those feeling or to squash them down so I wouldn't have to feel them. I went into the bathroom closed the door and just let my self cry.

Now I'm not talking that macho get a little teary, and "man" my way through it. This time I just let it go and really cryed. That, you just got left at daycare your all alone the world just ended soul wrenching little boy hurt kinda cry. After a good 3-4 hours I was finally drained.

I went to bed after that and slept very very soundly. The next morning when I awoke I felt rather good, I was happy and I guess the best word for it would be lighter. It felt as if a very heavy weight had been lifted from me.

I also discovered a truly amazing thing! I could think of my father and I wasn't crushed with loneliness and a longing to see him. Now don't get me wrong I still missed him, in fact just as much as I have since his passing. But the missing did not crush me into the ground anymore.

Over this last year have been able to truly celebrate my fathers life and the thing he gave to me. I have even forgiven him for dieing before I was ready for him to. I also have stopped feeling guilty over his death.

You see my father died just five months after I had been in a life altering accident. I used to blame myself and that accident for bringing on my fathers early passing. I know that he had been very worried and highly stressed over the accident I had been in. I had been ran over by a semi-truck trailer while riding a motor cycle, and spent three and a half months in the hospital.

What I came to realize over this last year is that I had never truly morned the passing of my father, my hero, and advisor. I would like to say I figured this all out on my own but, that would be a HUGE lie and it would also wrong someone who has come to mean as much to me as my father, My Brother.

Tom thank you for seeing me through the hurt and helping me find the courage to actually get pass the lose.

So today I say I love you Dad, and I miss you. Thank you for all the wonder things you taught me and the great memories we shared.
Dad I'm doing good, and I look forward to the time when we will see each other again. If you don't mind that's going to be sometime off. I have a brother and sister that I need to keep learning more about and to make memory's with.

Life coaching

2007-10-18T08:42:00.000-07:00

I have been seeing a Life coach for 2-3 months. I really have not kept track of how long its been.
Anyway, I have found it absolutely incredible. I started seeing my coach as more of a favor to him rather than any pressing need to fix me.
You see the coach I am seeing is a very dear friend of mine and he needed another client to help him get his certification.

Well since I started seeing him I have been slowly coming out of the shell I have built up around myself over the last 15 or so years. Its because of this coaching that I'm actively working to get painting back in my life again. Its also the reason I finally started this blog. Hopefully in a future post I will be able to share some of the reasons I put that shell on to begin with.

What prompted me to write this bit of information today was this. My coach gave me a link to another blog that he though I might find interesting, and Id like to share that with you. I will post the link here shortly. It will also be in my link list in case you need it again.

I'm sitting here trying to post more about the site but I keep finding my own emotions getting in the way. The message and honesty I read there has touched me deeply. So deeply that it is kind of scary. Its also very uplifting as well. In other words I have a feeling I have opened a door with in myself that I'm not going to be able to close again until I go through the junk in there and through out the garbage.
Enough preamble here is the link http://invisiblelives.com/.

Well sorry but I'm getting called away. Talk to you again soon

Found some help getting painting back into my life.

2007-10-16T09:08:00.001-07:00

After doing some more reading on blogging. I started going out and looking at other peoples blogs. I used the "Blogs if Note" feature on the Dashboard.
Felt really lucky as the first blog I went to was "The sixty minute artist". I started oil painting a few years ago and found I have a little bit of talent. I could not seem to put down my brush while I was taking classes. Since the classes have ended I have found it really hard to find the drive to sit down and paint.
Well I guess that's not totally accurate. I desire is there very strong, I just never seem to get started. On the site I mentioned there are a whole bunch of ideas on how to get started and to fit it back on to a daily or at least weekly routine.

If there are any other artists out there that are having a similar problem I highly recommend the site. You can find a link for it in my link section.

Also feel free to take the "my paintings" link and look what I have done.

Well heres a start

2007-10-15T11:21:00.000-07:00

Not really sure what I want to write this time. This is all very new to me. I have been very curious about blogging and thanks to my brother and law I now have a start.

I must say right off the bat here, Grammar Police go away or keep your comments to your self. Due to circumstance beyond my control I have lost some ability's in regard to grammar and such and more importantly I really don't care if my sentence structure is correct or not. I guess that may sound a bit hostile, Its kind of a touch subject for me.
It has been hard to admit to myself over the years that I really did lose some of my ability's after being involved in an accident.
K now that I have that bit of information out of the way, what should I talk about now?

I'm hoping as I learn more about the ins and outs of blogging that I can do something useful with this. Not sure what that would be but there it is lol.
I guess I'm going to have to think about this some more. Sitting here drawing a bit blank on what to say. I'll end this for now and give it some more thought.

Thanks for reading this, come on back. We can see what happens together.