Confessions of an Introvert Extremist

Today... I was born

2019-02-27T12:00:00.000+08:00

My Facebook timeline/messenger, LinkedIn messages and emails are flooded with greetings from friends old and new, highschool & college classmates, family & relatives, clients, business ventures and previous colleagues. I’m so overwhelmed with the messages that are coming in up until now. Maybe it’s the PMS that I’m getting so emotional...

Lately, I have been feeling lonely for some reasons. I always have this kind of feeling every February of the year. It’s been consistent for years. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy with my life but I felt something is lacking - so I resulted to collecting hobbies. From adult coloring book, health & fitness, gaming, arts & crafts to gardening, I have indulged myself into it thinking it will fill in. But I was wrong as what I discovered is that I have been missing the OLD me - who completely loves challenges at work. I maybe ranting all the time back then while I was in the process of moving up. And I’d like to believe it was part of the process I had to go thru to be the better version of ME. Lucky enough for those who have always been focused on what they wanted. But as for me, TIME and LIFE lessons have brought me to that realization that made me look at things maturely and positively later on. I really had to go through all that cycle over and over to make me who I am right now.

So TODAY, my birthday! I have received some really GREAT news, one of which is job offer related. And I felt complete satisfaction. Prior to that, I received several offers to work in an office, back to corporare world. But my husband and I were really not liking that idea. At first, I wasn’t really serious about getting a homebased job again. I’ve not been working for almost 2 yesrs. Well, I became busy with other online money making projects. The MomPreneur in me has risen. Yet like what I was saying - there’s something missing in my being. That’s when I found out it’s time for me roll with the punches and experience the hustle at work. Well, I have been working from home since 2009. And I have managed several teams remotely since then. Fast forward - I got this irrisistable offer that when I was asked when will I start - I immediately said tomorrow, which means it’s happening in about 12 hrs from now.

I learned to never burn bridges with your previous coworkers especially boss(es). I’m really delighted that my previous boss have given positive recommendations about me so I got the job offer! I’m always grateful for all the favors, be it small or big!

Okay, this is a long-boring post but heck - I’m really happy and complete. I may not have a perfect life right now with all the bumps and the blows here and there. But, I always bring back myself to my what makes me tick - my family! So, here... sharing with you the cake I got from my husband. My birthday celebration is really intimate with family - and that’s all I need.

When I died...

2019-02-26T13:17:00.000+08:00

Have you ever experienced a time when you don't know tears are already flowing down your cheeks, and suddenly you feel a shortage of breath? You sob. And that’s the only time it hit you. You're crying! You know exactly why, and you just can't stop!

FEBRUARY. My emotions are really erratic same month of every year since 2002. Though I know deep down in my heart - I have already moved on, but I still have what-ifs and hopes, that if I can ever travel back in time... I'd choose February 19, 2002 over and over again. Then skip - fast forward today. Who cares about messing up the timeline? Sounds selfish! I just wish... I could only wish... 'Cause I know... TIME doesn't work that way. And I realized that... I tried for so many years to accept that!

I just have to deal with this feeling until February ends...

Midnight Life Lesson Thoughts

2019-02-26T00:51:00.002+08:00

I've been kicked in the teeth by life and business for the last few years and felt like giving up a million times. Infact, at one point, I was so broke that I didn't know how I was going to get-through the following week.

It can be easy in life to find yourself going in the wrong direction and wondering how you got there... There's nothing fun about finding yourself stuck in a rut!

When you don't know where you're going in life, it really is daunting. I have been there... But there was always something inside of me though that knew, if I just got the right combination and put in the right action, success would be ahead.

Imagine living in this desert. No source of water, no people, no civilization at all for miles around. It would suck right? This is true scarcity. Many people alive today think in scarcity when it comes to achieving their goals.

Take me for instance... I used to think that only these gurus were able to make any serious bucks online and that it was not possible for the average Joe.

Not true. I soon realized that once I changed my mindset everything began to change for me. 80% mindset, 20% strategy = Success.

Life is much, much different now. As in everything... Few pit stops along the way, but with the right mindset and attitude - I believe, I got better how I perceive life really.

Hell yeah, I'm back!

2019-02-25T22:59:00.000+08:00

So yeah... I'm back! After hiatus for years... There's a lot of things that have happened in the last what... 5 or 6 years. But I'm ready to write again! I just enabled my blog to be visible in public again. This means I'm ready to defeat all the demons of my past, conquer my present fears and... face the unknown of the future...

Why Facebook is a Facade?!

2018-06-13T15:00:00.000+08:00

What we see everyday on people’s Facebook is a highlight. A highlight of someone’s life. The GOOD picture ONLY.

What others don’t see is who we really are outside of our ‘social media’ world. Our challenges. Our angsts. Our chaotic dramas. Behind those posts is the true persona. I’m not saying this goes for everyone. But if you are affected, then guess what? Truth hurts.

I’d still go for ACTIONS, not what I see on facebook. Anyone can post thousands of lies on social media. But what matters is who we really are outside this virtual world. So next time you want to tell your loved ones that you miss or love them - Make sure you spend time with them. Build memories NOT likes.

Bow!

I Chose You Partner!

2018-01-11T11:30:00.000+08:00

I’m so blessed having a best-friend, confidante, ally, and a husband rolled into one. You may not be perfect but I’m so blessed for having a husband who understands my dreams, my thoughts, my whims and what-nots.

Despite our disagreements sometimes, I’m forever thankful to PapaGod that He gave me you. You’re an answered prayer and my destination. You may seem to be like a person who don’t have respect to his partner. But I’m really lucky to have someone like you who truly respects who I am and who am not. We argue a lot, but never or not even a single instance you beat me. I may annoy you most of the times but you still manage to understand my moods wings.

Nothing fancy today! But as long as we have each other - nothing is impossible! Let’s always stay grounded! Forget the situations and circumstances that have hurt us, people who have wronged us - what’s important is we have each other and we are moving forward without stepping on anyone. Lessons learned. Be forgiving! Let’s always take the high road.

My wish for you is good health and more travel for us this year. I love you Niji! Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday! 😘

Real Men Don’t Beat Women

2017-10-04T12:05:00.000+08:00

I don’t usually post my thoughts on Facebook. But because I truly care, I would!!!

Girl, remember a real man can’t stand seeing his woman hurt. He’s careful with his decisions and actions, so he has never to be responsible for her pain. HE WOULD TREAT WOMEN THE SAME WAY HE WANTS HIS DAUGHTER TO BE TREATED.

FACT: Real men don’t beat women!

To all the ladies out there who are suffering - don’t let yourself be abused. You are beautiful! And you deserve respect and so much more. If your man truly loves you, he will NEVER EVER hurt you. Trust the actions NOT words. Once you allow it - he will do it over and over! Be smart! You deserve so much more than to be treated like a piece of shit.

What you do for a living

2017-07-12T00:23:00.000+08:00

If you love what you do for a living and it makes you happy then I applaud you. The truth is though that 95% of the world's population can't stand their job but go to work everyday because it pays the bills.

If that's you, we know exactly how you feel as I used to be one of them. It can be easy in life to find yourself going in the wrong direction and wondering how you got there... There's nothing fun about finding yourself stuck in a rut! I know because I was there. Thankfully, I met the right connections at the right time which helped me to get out of the dead end job I was in.

Things to Expect When Working From Home

2017-04-08T14:30:00.000+08:00

There are a lot of factors that come into play when working from home, but some of the things that happen, you may not initially expect. There are so many myths surrounding working from home that you may have fallen for the idea that it’s super easy to work from home. While there are many reason and benefits to working from home there are some things you need to know about in advance that you should expect.

✔ You’ll Learn Time Management – If you’re serious about making it as a work at home mom you’ll discover a new understanding of time, calendars, and schedules. It may seem unromantic but the more you schedule and calendar your days the more you’ll get done.

✔ You’ll Get Lonely – It may seem crazy since you never liked working with people anyway (maybe) but you’ll get lonely working from home. Luckily that’s easily remedied by joining groups on Facebook or LinkedIn of other women and moms who work from home.

✔ You’ll have Distractions You Never Considered – Pets, children, neighbours, TV and even Facebook can be distractions to your success at working from home. What’s more, you’ll have to be self-motivated to avoid these distractions when you need to earn money.

✔ Your Spouse & Friends Won’t Understand – Many people don’t understand working from home and think it has to be a scam, a hobby or worse a lie you tell yourself every day. But, remember that you know the truth and you can combat their doubts by earning enough money to make a difference in your life.

✔ You May Let Yourself Go – When you have to go to work each day you’re forced to fix your hair, put on some makeup, and get dressed. But, when you work for yourself from home you don’t have to do any of that and you may end up gaining some weight or looking rundown. You can, of course, combat that by at least putting on some leggings after a shower each morning.

✔ Funds Will Be Tight – When you first start your work at home business you may be working 40 hours a week without seeing any monetary results. In fact, you may be spending money instead of earning money at first. Before you quit your day job ensure that you can handle the expenses until you start earning a living.

✔ Sometimes You’ll Get Discouraged – It can be very hard to work from home when you’re not bringing in enough money at first. Even when you are, sometimes it’ll get discouraging and you’ll want to give up. But, if you create a plan and follow the plan after having done your due diligence you’ll be successful.

Finally, you’ll soon learn that you have to be completely self-motivated. Intrinsic motivation can be hard to come by for some people. Be honest with yourself and get a business coach if you need external stimulation and authority to get things done.

CHECK MY OTHER BLOG FOR MY WORK AT HOME JOURNEY.

From Your Annoying Half

2017-01-11T10:30:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday to the man of my life, the king of my dreams, and the mate of my soul!!!

Disagreements and arguments are inevitable. But with each year I will love you even more. Remember that your best years are still ahead of you and I will be there for every up and down and in between.

We love you so much! Happy Birthday Niji!

From your Annoying Wife. 🤣😂🤣

Start Changing Your Mindset and Start Making Money Online

2016-10-25T07:48:00.000+08:00

The biggest risk is not taking any risk... In a world that changing really quickly, the only strategy that is guaranteed to fail is not taking risks.

- Mark Zuckerberg

Lately, I have been getting many inquiries about how to make money online. Is it really legit? Is it worth it? How did you do it?

Well, I have been making money online since 2009 when I started to be a freelancer. I quit working as a Senior Operations Manager in a call center somewhere in Ortigas to go fulltime freelancer. YES! It was really a risk I had to take, and I never regret that decision I made years ago.

If I made it, you too CAN! It's all about your mindset! And how much efforts you put into it. It wasn't an easy ride. But I'm telling you it was worth all the challenges.

Aside from the fact that I have learned so many skills, I also came to a realization about many different ways on how to make money by just using your PC and of course, you must have a reliable internet connection.

SUCCESS doesn't happen overnight! You really have to work hard for it!

Over my next blog posts, I will share different tips on how to make money online. I hope this will help you to get started. Whether you have a full-time job, looking for an extra income or you want to venture into the freelance world - I hope my tips will help you.

P.S.

Don't forget to like us on Facebook. And share my posts to your friends. Thanks!

CHECK OUT MY OTHER BLOG about my journey working from home.

Letter to my Better Half

2015-01-11T06:30:00.000+08:00

To my ex bf, bestfriend and rockstar husband... Happy Happy Birthday!!!

There are tough times and there may be more ahead of us. But one thing is for sure, I'll stay with you thru the bad and the worst! I appreciate everything you do for our family. We may have disagreements at times but that really make us stronger everyday. Your transformation from being a hippie-laid-back-rockstar dude to being a responsible husband and father but still a rockstar, at least to me..is really a wonderful blessing.

I have million things to be grateful for... Thank you for carrying my things, being my commute buddy, spongebob, comedian and weirdo friend even way way back...

For being a critic whenever I sing out of tune...

For always cheering me up when I'm so stressed out with anything, most likely for dealing with my post partum blues...

For putting our family first before your passion to perform (I promise my full pledge support let's wait when the babies grow a little older)...

For all the sleepless and tiring nights from my cravings to changing nappies and feeding our babies...

For your undying support in almost everything including weight gain, hahaha, we'll be back in shape again so let's continue working on that...

For all our quality time dining out, movie time, road and sound tripping...

For your music, marvel, extra terrestrial, greek mythology influence...

For your patience and understanding all the time whenever my Bratty mode is on...

For all your gifts from small to expensive ones...

For being the best you can be to support our family...

For always making me feel I'm the BEST, the ONLY ONE, most beautiful, sexiest and smartest...

For having your heart, your mind, your soul, your music and your name...

For being my Shrek if I'm that Fiona...

I promise you too, we're going to share the rest of our lifetime and forever... Again, happy birthday! I love you so much niji!

Anybody's Heart

2012-09-06T19:17:00.002+08:00

It's a great big world to a scared little girl

If you'd smile just right no one knows you might have

A heart full of pain and a soul that can't reign

And a stomach full of butterflies

All that I wanted was just to feel safe

Safe in your arms

Say you didn't mean to

Say I wouldn't understand

But it's time you say something

God knows it's the one thing I need

And the heart you broke

No it wasn't just anybody's heart

So I bit my nails and I held my breath

And I said "I'm fine" yeah I did my best

But you can't tell me you never knew the truth

Of all the fear I felt, how I worried bout you

All that I wanted was just to feel safe

Safe in your arms

Say you didn't mean to

Say I wouldn't understand

But it's time you say something

God knows it's the one thing I need

And the heart you broke

No it wasn't just anybody's heart

I was yours, I was yours

And the heart that you broke

Was devoted and pure

And it wasn't just anybody's heart

la da do do do la da do do do

Surrender

2012-07-21T20:07:00.001+08:00

My post goes to the moon
When I know you’re here
My heart runs to another room
When I know you’re near
And they say that you don’t know, what you got till it’s gone
So I’m holding on to you

How many lives till I get this one right
Till I give up the fight and just
Surrender, surrender
How many days till I love me the way that you love me,
You love me

You say I’m beautiful, but I just don’t see
You say one day I’ll learn, when will that day be
And they say that you don’t know what you got till it’s gone
So I’m holding on to you

How many lives till I get this one right
Till I give up the fight and just
Surrender, surrender
How many days till I love me the way that you love me,
You love me

Thought this life that I see
That I layed out before me
But it seems incomplete
Will I ever see me
The way I see me oh to be in your eyes
Oh to be alright???

How many lives till I get this one right
Till I give up the fight and just
Surrender, surrender
How many lives till I get this one right
Till I give up the fight and just
Surrender, surrender
How many days till I love me the way that you love me,
You love me

Say Goodbye

2012-07-18T17:02:00.002+08:00

If I seem distant, baby I am

Words are like scissors, in your hands

And there's no script to follow, so I just close my eyes

That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye

I feel just like an actress, up on the stage

I can't believe, what I'm hearing myself say

And the porch light is my spotlight, so I play along with this lie

That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye

Did you ever love me? Does it even matter?

Did you even notice, the whole word shatter?

I just want to hold you, and tell you that I'm sorry

But I just keep it all inside

That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye

My heart feels like a circus

It's too much to take in

It's hard to lose a love

But you were my best friend

So walk this high wire, alone tonight

That way it won't hurt so much, when we say goodbye

100 Truths

2012-06-27T22:22:00.000+08:00

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage > Water
2. last phone call> Ella
3. last text message > Ryan
4. last song you listened to > I Choose You by Mario
5. last time you cried > Months ago

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice > Yes
7. been cheated on > Yes
8. kissed someone & regretted it > No
9. lost someone special > Yes. It's been a decade now.
10. been depressed > Yes, most of the times.
11. been drunk and threw up > Been drunk, yes! Threw up? Not these days...

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Pink
13. Powder blue
14. Light green

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2012)
15. Made a new friend > Yes
16. Fallen out of love > YES
17. Laughed until you cried > No.
18. Met someone who changed you > I think so...
19. Found out who your true friends were > Definitely.
20. Found out someone was talking about you > What's new? Haters are everywhere.
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list > Yes.
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life > Everyone
23. How many kids do you want to have > 1 boy and 1 girl
24. Do you have any pets > No, I'm not a pet lover.
25. Do you want to change your name > Yes, in my next life I want it to be...
26. What did you do for your last birthday > Cried.
27. What time did you wake up today > Past 1pm. Late for work.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night > On the phone and chatting with Niji from evening til morning. Ayieeeeee
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for > Liars to change. Haters to be good or nice to me.
30. Do you have plants > None
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? > To rewind, pause, fast forward.
32. What are you listening to right now? > I choose you by Mario
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? > No, I don't have a friend by that name as I can remember.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now? > Nothing. I let go of all the things that will make me mad. Laughter is the best medicine.
35. Most visited webpage > Facebook, Paypal, Company system tools
36. What's your real name> SECRET
37. Nicknames? > Kitty way back highschool. ICE in College.
38. Relationship Status > Happily committed
39. Zodiac sign > Pisces
40. Male or female > Female
41. Elementary > NCMLC
42. Middle School > N/A
43. High school > NCMLC
44. Hair colour? > Medium Copper brown cellophane
45. Long or short? > Long
46. Height? > 5'4
47. Do you have a crush on someone? > So highschool question.
48: What do you like about yourself? > I'm SIMPLY ME. I easily forgive. I easily forget esp if non-sense.
49. Piercing? > No plans.
50. Tattoos? > I'd love to
51. Righty or lefty? > Righty

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery > A decade ago CS section
53. First piercing > None
54. First best friend > Queenie
55. First sport you joined > No sports at all
56. First vacation > Can't remember. But if out of the country, it's in HK.
58. First pair of trainers > ???

RIGHT NOW
59. Eating > Just had dinner
60. Drinking > Not as of the moment
61. I'm about to > Issue bonus OT adjustments.
62. Listening to > Old Friend - Early Rise
63. Waiting on > To get sleepy

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids? > Of course
65. Get Married > It's complicated
66. Career? > Happy with my career so far.

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes > Both
68. Hugs or kisses > Both
69. Shorter or taller > Taller
70. Older or Younger > Same age
71. Romantic or spontaneous > Both
72. Nice butt or nice legs > Nice butt, hahaha
73. Sensitive or loud > Sensitive
74. Hook-up or relationship > Of course, relationship.
75. Trouble maker or hesitant > Hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger > Hell, no!!!
77. Drank hard liquor > Yes, way way back.
78. Lost glasses/contacts > Yes
79. Sex on first date > NO!!!
80. Broken someone's heart > YES!!!
81. Had your own heart broken > Yes.
82. Been arrested > No.
83. Turned someone down > Yes, many times.
84. Cried when someone died > Yes. :(
85. Fallen for a friend? > Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself > Of course, Yes!
87. Miracles > Maybe.
88. Love at first sight > It's crazy. This do not happen.

89. Heaven > Yes.
90. Santa Claus > No.
91. Kiss on the first date > Yes.
92. Angels > Yes.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time > Does fling count?
95. Did you sing today? > Yes.. I sing all the time.
96. Ever cheated on somebody? > oh-oh....huhuhu....
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? > 10 yrs.
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it > March.
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? > I believe I can handle.
100. Posting this as 100 truths? > Yes definitely!

Yesterday, I Cried

2012-06-15T04:04:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I cried.

I came home, went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed, kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra, and I had myself a good cry.

I'm telling you, I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I got on sale.

I cried until my ears were hot.

I cried until my head was hurting so bad that I could hardly see the pile of soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.

I want you to understand, I had myself a really good cry yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried, for all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too mad to cry.

I cried for all the days, all the ways, and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected, and disconnected myself from myself, only to have it reflected back to me in the ways others did to me the same things I had already done to myself.

I cried for all the things, I had given, only to have them stolen; for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up; for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away, to people in circumstances, which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there were really does come a time when the only thing left for you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried.

I cried because little boys get left by their daddies; and little girls get forgotten by their mommies; and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave; and mommies get left, si they get mad.

Yesterday, I cried.

I cried because I hurt. I cried because I was hurt.

I cried because hurt has no place to go except deeper into the pain that caused in the first place, and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was too late. I cried because it was time.

I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried soulful yesterday, and it felt so good.

It felt so very, very bad.

In the midst of my crying, I felt freedom coming,

Because

Yesterday, I cried with an agenda.

Don't You Wanna Stay

2012-06-14T03:39:00.000+08:00

I really hate to let this moment go
Touching your skin, and your hair falling slow
When a goodbye kiss, feels like this

Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
Don't you wanna hold each other tight?
Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?

Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
We can make forever feel this way
Don't you wanna stay?

Let's take it slow, I don't wanna move too fast
I don't wanna just make love, I wanna make love last
When you're on this high, it's a sad goodbye

Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
Don't you wanna hold each other tight?
Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?
Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
We can make forever feel this way
Don't you wanna stay?

Oh yeeah

Oh, you feel so perfect, baby
That it feels so perfect, baby

Don't you wanna stay here a little while?

Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
Don't you wanna hold each other tight?
Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?
Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
We can make forever feel this way
Don't you wanna stay?

Part of Me

2012-06-13T11:24:00.001+08:00

Days like this I want to drive away
Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade
You chewed me up and spit me out
Like I was poison in your mouth
You took my light, you drained me down
That was then and this is now
Now look at me

This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no
Throw your sticks and stones
Throw your bombs and your blows
But you're not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no

I just wanna throw my phone away
Find out who is really there for me
You ripped me off, your love was cheap
Was always tearing at the seams
I fell deep and you let me drown
But that was then and this is now

Now look at me
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no
Throw your sticks and stones

Throw your bombs and your blows
But you're not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no

Now look at me, I'm sparkling
A firework, a dancing flame
You won't ever put me out again
I'm glowing, oh woah oh
So you can keep the diamond ring
I never liked them anyway
In fact you can keep everything
Yeah, yeah
Except for me

This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no (away from me)
Throw your sticks and stones
Throw your bombs and your blows
But you're not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no

This is the part of me, no, (away from me)
This is the part of me, me, me, me, me, me, no
Throw your sticks and stones
Throw your bombs and your blows
But you're not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no

Love, Love, Love Hater!!!

2012-06-12T04:16:00.002+08:00

Dear Hater,

How is it that you constantly talk about my flaws non-stop? You try to judge every aspect about me. You monitor my bad habits, and take note of my irregular tendencies.. You blatantly discuss my attitude, scrupulously insult my intelligence and undeniably watch out my every move. You analyze my life - every aspect of it! Put meaning to every blog entry I post. Please... everything is not about "someone else". You know what you failed to realize? It's knowing that you're naive to the fact that You Wanna Be Exactly Like Me!

Okay, how about you just say you're envious.. Don't lie... Denial is a form of weakness. Infact I admire your diligence checking up on my posts daily where you obtain all the information about me - my thoughts perhaps. I am misunderstood from every perception. I don't debate on my past, or who I will be tomorrow, or play heads heads or tails. This is Who I Am, Who I've Been, and Who I Will Always Be. There's no front. I'm not perfect, Never Have Been, and Never Will Be. I fuck up and accept my imperfections and bounce back. So, while you pointlessly waste your insignificant time hating me.. At the same time you're doin' a great job motivating me.

Sincerely,
Me, Myself & I

P.S. Two Thumbs Up To All My Haters

After much pondering, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because haters secretly love me. There is NO OTHER possible explanation as to why they would hunt me down in such a way AND take the time to read my blog AND take the time to comment on it. So shocks, I’ll take it as a compliment. I'm so flattered!!!

Peace be with you all!!! Keep up the good work! Again, it motivates me.

An Open Prayer

2012-06-11T02:51:00.001+08:00

On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know ... that decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.

You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

With this, I'm saying a little prayer:

To My Family
For them to be able to walk through this journey with me with as little hardships as possible since it's not their fault this has all happened; they are the reason I want to better myself to provide better for them. PapaGod, please continue to guide me through this journey with total peace and understanding.

To My Haters
I began to pray for my enemy. Not for how my enemy had wronged me. But for my enemy's life. For my enemy's family. For the difficulties that my enemy is facing. I prayed long and I prayed hard. I prayed as lovingly as I could for my enemy, not because I am good. I am not. I am less than good. I prayed because PapaGod is good. PapaGod is holy. PapaGod is righteous. And I love Him.

Today, I still struggle with unrest. Today, I am reminded that my response will teach those around me what I believe and not what I may preach. Today, I still feel that "aloneness" in the pit of my stomach. Today, I still have much to learn and change, much that still needs the redemptive power of a Mighty God.

But today, I continue to submit to One who is safe. One who sees the outcome, no matter how difficult that may be for me, who I know to be trustworthy. Today, I continue to pray for my enemy, as lovingly as I know how. "But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you." - Matthew 5:44

To Me, Myself & I
Help me to trust You more, PapaGod. Allow me to trust myself trusting in You. Things didn't turn out the way I think they should. I seem to spend a lot of time accomplishing very little. I give up or give out so easily. Help me to persevere, to work on in hope in spite of past failures. Help me to trust myself trusting in You so I can work with Your energy in me and sustain doing my best for You.

Help me to stop doubting You and getting mad at You whenever I discover that I failed to discern and to do what was best for me. Help me to stop judging the rightness of Your righteousness in mylife. Help me to acknowledge that I don't really know what is best for me. You promised to make my crooked paths straight if I would, in all my ways, just trust myself in trusting in You. Help me to trust not just trust in Your promise, but also in the rightness of me acting to trust in You.

Help me to live out what You mean when You say that You desire mercy and not perfect sacrifices. Help me to place my hope in You by hoping in the rightness and goodness of whatever you direct me to do.

Help me to celebrate You, not just in the heavens, not just among the nations, but also in my life. Help me to simply trust myself in trusting You, so that I can let go of me, and walk by faith and not by sight.
Amen.

Maybe, it's about time to open up my doors... Time to trust and open up one's soul. Time to really move forward. Time to love and be loved again...

Living your Dream

2012-06-10T01:48:00.001+08:00

As a child, I've so many dreams... And as I grew up, my dreams never changed. Although, there came a point I almost lost track of what I wanted to become...

Things happened unexpectedly way back which made me decide to gave up that dream or should I say those dreams. Lately, during my me-time I realized that it's not too late to pursue 'em. It's never too late!

I always wanted to be a lawyer. I found it very admirable to litigate. No wonder, I enjoy debate and heated arguments a lot, but of course, just those decent and civil ones. Recently, an eye-opener lead me to rekindle that dream. I'm seriously considering of going back to school. This time, pursue law proper taking up the Executive classes. Since enrollment is already over, I'd try next semester if it will fit my schedule, and finances of course.

I always wanted to travel. But given the fact my family couldn't afford my whims, it took years before I could finally travel outside the country. Of course, that's the time when I have enough to spend. I definitely work and work to spend it for travel. Don't get me wrong, I really love shopping! it's a therapy for me. But, travelling - it's a different feeling of satisfaction. Unexplainable. It was an ode to myself to travel every year since 2010. This year, I'm chasing Asia again...

I really admire people who speak and write different languages. My goal before the end of this year is to learn French and Japanese, if not Korean. I always have passion to learn new and acquire new things. Thanks to Podcast, this dream of mine is no longer impossible as there are readily available audiobooks for these language courses.

I never had sports when I was still young. Maybe because I focused too much in my studies and extra curricular activities (public speaking per se). So, I never had the chance to play any sports. I'll be good at least one sport by the end of this year, either badminton or target shooting. I'll still decide.. Or maybe, swimming since up to this age, I don't know how to swim. Sounds crazy, but true!

I really love music. Infact, singing is part of my everyday routine (esp when I'm bored). But, I found it odd why I no longer strum guitars, nor play piano. I learned these before. But because I didn't practice well, I ended up forgetting how-to. So with that, I'd definitely buy a guitar. Learning how-to is no longer a problem. It's going to be an easy task, with the help of my music instructor. Yey! ☺☺☺

We may lost some of our dreams. But deep within our hearts, part of it still remains. Never stop chasing that dream! Let's enjoy life while we're young, while we're still breathing...

5 Stages of Grief

2012-06-07T14:28:00.001+08:00

The stages have evolved since their introduction and they have been very misunderstood over the past three decades. They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.

These stages are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief ’s terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss.

Denial
This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.

As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.

Anger
Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits.

It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died, but also to God. You may ask, “Where is God in this?

Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who didn’t attend the funeral, maybe a person who isn’t around, maybe a person who is different now that your loved one has died. Suddenly you have a structure – - your anger toward them. The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing.We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.

Bargaining
Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared. “Please God, ” you bargain, “I will never be angry at my wife again if you’ll just let her live.” After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others. Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?”

We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. The “if onlys” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain.

We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.

Depression
After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone? Why go on at all? Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you’re in is actually depressing. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that your loved one didn’t get better this time and is not coming back is understandably depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.

Acceptance
Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is missing. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before a loved one died. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must readjust. We must learn to reorganize roles, re-assign them to others or take them on ourselves.

Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.

Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love and/or happiness again. Helping others through something we have experienced is a wonderful way to facilitate our healing and bring good out of something tragic.

Call Me Maybe

2012-06-06T16:21:00.000+08:00

I threw a wish in the well

Don't ask me, I'll never tell

I looked to you as it fell

And now you're in my way

I trade my soul for a wish

Pennies and dimes for a kiss I wasn't looking for this

But now you're in my way

Your stare was holdin'

Ripped jeans, skin was showin'

Hot night, wind was blowin'

Where you think you're going, baby?

Hey, I just met you and this is crazy,

But here's my number so call me maybe

It's hard to look right at you baby,

But here's my number so call me maybe

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy,

But here's my number, so call me maybe

And all the other boys, try to chase me,

But here's my number so call me maybe

You took your time with the call

I took no time with the fall

You gave me nothing at all, but still you're in my way

I beg and borrow and steal

Have foresight and it's real

I didn't know I would feel it, but it's in my way

Your stare was holdin', Ripped jeans,

Skin was showin' Hot night, wind was blowin'

Where you think you're going, baby?

Hey I just met you

And this is crazy

But here's my number

So call me maybe

It's hard to look right, at you baby,

But here's my number so call me maybe

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy

But here's my number so call me maybe

And all the other boys, try to chase me,

But here's my number so call me maybe

Before you came into my life I missed you so bad

I missed you so bad I missed you so, so bad

Before you came into my life I missed you so bad

And you should know that I missed you so, so bad

It's hard to look right at you baby,

But here's my number so call me, maybe

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy,

But here's my number so call me maybe

And all the other boys try to chase me,

But here's my number so call me maybe

Before you came into my life I missed you so bad

I missed you so bad I missed you so so bad

Before you came into my life I missed you so bad

And you should know that

So call me maybe

Goodbye

2012-06-06T02:09:00.000+08:00

Didn't mean to hurt you badly
Don't think that I am fooling around with you
So sorry for the time you've wasted on me
So sorry for the things that you went through
But I know that the problem's within me
You're so nice but your love don't deserve me
Or maybe I'm just so scared to fall in love again

I can still remember the days
So many times I've been hurt
So much trust I put on a relationship
So much suffering I got and the pain still remain
You know I like you but I don't wanna take the risk
So confused and I don't know how to deal with it
Need some time for awhile before I give my heart away

Don't say goodbye
Don't say goodbye
I need some time for awhile before I give my heart away

Don't say goodbye
Don't say goodbye
I need some time for awhile before I give my heart away

Now I know I wasn't thinking before
That's why I'm always ending up with Mr. Wrong
Learning from the past, don't wanna make a mistake
You could be Mr. Right or could be a fake
You know I like you but I don't wanna take the risk
So confused and I don't know how to deal with it
Need some time for awhile before I give my heart away